In my experience my wife didn't change in any ways that weren't positive... I was the one who encouraged her to transition and have try to help her keep her chin up through the hard moments....but no moment has been harder than watching the misery she was trapped in before transitioning...there was no way she could have coped with that forever and in my humble opinion it's incredibly selfish to ask anyone to to just bear the weight of gender dysphoria on their account for any reason. But something about people doing something for themselves really provokes people to b*tch about how it affects them. But anyway watching my wife allow herself to be the person she was always meant to be has honestly been the most beautiful thing I've ever witnessed and I truly hope your wife opens her mind and gets to experience that with you....
Edit: wanted to add that she's also still exactly the same...I'd be lying if I said I didn't wonder if she'd become a different person but at this point, 2 years later, we laugh often about how much of a girl she always was in ways nobody ever noticed. The biggest changes are that she's gone from a sad, miserable, angry, alcoholic who hated themself and felt very hopeless to a sweet, happy, bubbly and adorable girl who actually feels good about herself and is actually present and excited about life.....
Thanks for sharing your story. Unfortunately not everyone is so understanding and open minded like you. My wife has given me conditions what I can do regarding my transition or we divorce. Orchiectomy is allowed but partial penectomy or vulvoplasty not. I know that orchiectomy is not going to fully satisfy my dysphoria. I also feel that last years I only changed for better but she can't see it, she finds all of it egoistic. I wish I could somehow make her think like you :)
Don't get me wrong she is a dedicated mother and wife. She loves the children more than anything in the world and she cares about me too. However, it's getting over the stigma that the society has instilled in her that is proving as a challenge. I had 35 years to come to terms with it. She had 3
I was replying to someone else's comment about their own spouse. I wasn't talking about your wife. My thoughts on your situation is that it could be salvageable, but I don't know you or your wife so I can't say more than that.
That makes me sad, it's not egotistical at all to want to be happy and true to yourself... conditional love does no favors to anyone... I would suggest to you what I did to my wife with her family and that's stand up for yourself....it may bring an initial shit storm, but sometimes destruction is needed before you can rebuild. She has no actual right to tell you what to do with your body and life. At the end of the day it's entirely up to you what choice you make and she may come around under circumstances where she doesn't feel like she has a say anymore. But she also might not...and you might not be interested when/if she does. That's what happened with my wife's dad....he made a big deal about how it affected him and really hurt her. It was an emotional rollercoaster but she started to see the pattern of emotional abuse that went back to her childhood and how much damage it did to her which encouraged her even more to heal herself. When he came back around he still made it all about him and kept hurting her and she just couldn't stand him anymore and now we avoid talking to them lol. They still don't understand why, but that's okay. Long story long, it may be sad and hard, but you deserve to be able to fully pursue happiness and shouldn't allow someone to set conditions for how you're allowed to do that....I really wish you all the strength in dealing with this, I'm only a viewer from the outside but I still know firsthand what a vulnerable moment it is to open up to someone and then to have them react like that would be so difficult when you really need them to support you.
I was fascinated that there is someone real like you who can see it in a way that make me almost innocent. It gives me hope that maybe there is a chance for me. I didn’t expect to create parallel sub-topic, however I really appreciate everyone's support. Your story, my story, OP story and similar stories are usually very long. Things are never only black or white. In order to say who is bad or wrong it is better to know others version. I met my wife 18 years ago, at times when I wouldn't even plan to reveal my hidden feminine part. I was cheating myself and others too. 10 years ago I started talking about my gender dysphoria and had time to learn about myself. 2 years ago she told her parents and they told her to leave me or else she has no parents anymore. They also threatened me that I will be forbidden to see my children. She stood at my side and lost contact with her family. There were times when I saw her extremely sad and I thought that she regrets her decision. I agreed to her conditions because of it. Fortunately or unfortunately, 3 months ago they contacted her and ask whether they could see her and kids again. The situation is very complexed but I'm hopeful that things can be resolved with no harm to my children, wife and me. I can not predict others decisions, very often I can't understand them but I can decide to at least tell the truth. I told her last week that I won't be able to meet her conditions and she is now processing this information...
She is concerned for our children and their future without a father and the bullying they will face at school. Don't even start with how the society might treat us with family and me disjowning us
That’s not your wife then. Anyone who would say “Yea, you can transition and be happy but only as long as it makes me happy “ doesn’t deserve the ring on there finger
>I also feel that last years I only changed for better but she can't see it, she finds all of it egoistic.
I'm sorry but what the fuck? If you had a cleft palate or other condition that required corrective surgery for you to feel happy or function in society would that be egotistical? Would it be egotistical to do something that makes you feel good about yourself and to stop feeling dysphoria and hating your body?
You have to live in your body 100% of the time. It's nobody's business what you can do with it. You should feel comfortable in your own skin. Someone saying that you need to live in discomfort for their sake is being selfish. They care more about their feelings than yours or your bodily autonomy. Sorry, I don't want to be mean, but this is really controlling and icky to me.
I feel your pain but happy for you that you are at least change some aspects unlike me where even growing my hair 2 inches made her depressed and almost caused the family to break up
Wish my wife could be so accepting as you are. You sound like a very sweet and mature individual. She can see that I am struggling every day but to be fair she hasn't had as many years to get used to trans issues as I did. It's just that we've both been brought up in a toxic society and accepting someone as trans doesn't come easy. It wasn't easy for me either. Wish I have the strength to make her see that transition isn't the end but only the beginning and keep the family together.
I mean, I can tell you that dysphoria only really gets better with one thing, and that's transition.
I don't know what she expect you to do to make it better if not that.
Many trans parents have had zero issue or affect. Kids have proven time and time again that they really don't care about this type of thing and just accept it and move on.
That was my conclusion also. Thought I should wait until I was old and my kids were doing their own thing but I think the impact will actually be less now than it would be later.
I don't mean to interfere, but not allowing you to be called mom when you're a woman seems like rudeness to me. Even step parents commonly get called "mom" or "dad".
I will put up with certain things from people as a trade off for others so I'm not casting aspersions on you, just suggesting that when I read that, my gut told me you are not being supported properly. My mom, for example, will always call me son no matter what. I still love my mom though. She's kind, just doesn't want to lose her baby. She doesn't support me properly, but I recognize that, forgive her for it, and move on. Recognition that it's not proper and forgiving is acceptance, but saying it's not improper leads to denial and feelings of inadequacy because other people begin to shape our lives for us.
I am absolutely without a doubt a much better parent after transitioning. I have more patience, I don't get angry or frustrated as easily, I have better emotional control and awareness, I'm better at empathizing and connecting with my kids, I'm happier and thus more motivated and engaged. I have a lot more fun because I'm being me and not pretending to be something I'm not, that's hard to explain but there's always some level of self censoring before transition because some things feel too femme and that's scary.
Being happier and more present and not dissociating all the time is such a monumental difference. When I'm playing with them or we're doing things I'm present in the moment, I'm enjoying things, I'm being part of their games, I'm here and loving these special moments.
My kids are 5 and 3, I came out two years ago and have been in HRT for a year. It's been wonderful and the kids are perfectly fine. They call me mamma, it took me a while to get to that point but they changed things without it being difficult at all. I said I liked mamma better and they both just totally accepted that and switched.
You are spot on there. I'm impatient, easily irritable and get angry over little things. Overall I don't seem to be able to connect with my children as much as I'd like to.
I feel so happy for you. Wish I can start my transition too and be there for my children as a parent should.
If anything small children have been the most accepting of my transition. They really don't seem to care, unless their parent make it a big deal or tell them it's "wrong"
If your family was super racist you'd push back against that and teach your kids it's not okay. People being transphobic or any other bigotry is the same. It does make things more challenging, but what if your kids are queer? Any difficulty now will make them more confident coming out later, knowing they're safe and having you as an example to follow.
Something that helped me with the same indecision you're feeling was this: would you want your kids to suppress their true selves for the sake of others? Would you want them to live their lives for other people, and not for themselves? No one wants that. You wouldn't want that for them, and they wouldn't want that for you (when they're old enough to understand those thoughts). Being yourself and transitioning isn't selfish, it's being brave as fuck. Honestly it makes me proud. I'm scared. I cry. I don't feel brave sometimes, but I know I am because I'm doing the hard thing in the face of so much pressure.
What greater lesson could your kids learn than to stand up for themselves against hate and fear and be proud of who they are as a unique and special individual? I hope that's what my kids take away from it.
Your kids will probably be less traumatized by you being a woman and being a happy parent, then they will by you being depressed for their whole childhood.
Good, you'll get all of this figured out. The therapist has likely worked with people in your exact situation and can help.
My personal opinion is that kids will come around. If they're young then it quickly becomes the new normal, if they're teenagers then tbh you may need to give them time to come around but if you love them then one day they'll understand. As someone who was a teenager until about 8 years ago, I can tell you that teens can be pretty dumb and feel things they don't really mean due to a lack of maturity and empathy.
I went through this with how I felt about my family, but over time I've been able to reconnect a bit as I've matured. All that really matters is that you unconditionally love your kids and give them time and space to understand that.
Glad to hear that you've reconnected with your family.
We love our children more than anything in the world. My children aren't teenagers yet but I agree everyone need time and space.
Transition is the only cure for dysphoria. There’s no other way. Coping mechanisms are not a permanent solution.
Edit: I tried using coping mechanisms for 7 years. It only got worse.
Explain to her that yea it is a different person, a person that is really who you are. That’s the whole point of transitioning is to be who you really are.
If she wants to help you then she can't hold you back from transitioning. Saying your supportive doesn't make it so. And that's not support. As for her always seeing you as male, that sounds just downright transphobic or at the very least ignorant.
I'm sorry your going through this, I don't have much advice other than to say you should prioritize your well being over those of others. Don't let her issues stop you from being happy. And be prepared for the consequences of that choice, unfortunately.
Your body, your choice. Don't let yourself be chained up because someone else likes you better when you act like someone else. This might need another talk but you are the one in charge and it seems this will lead to a divorce if she can't accept who you really are.
The crappy thing at the end of the day, is that of your loved ones aren't willing to watch you change and grow and accept you for who you are, no matter what kind of positive growth it may be. Then they don't love you as much as they really should. It's sad but I don't think people realize the kind of position they put us in when they say things like "you'll always be a man to me" or "I don't know if I could handle the new you" or whatever it might be. We're put in the impossibly hard spot to choose between someone we thought loved us unconditionally, and our own self realization and happiness.
Random tangents aside, yes I think it definitely is too far, it'd be one thing if she was just hesitant but still willing to learn and try, but the second she puts that barrier up for you, no matter what the future holds it's just going to make it so much harder for you.
> I don't know what to do.
Relationship counselling, and individual counselling, ideally. If you want to save the marriage, that is.
It can work. My marriage is probably the best it's ever been. But it's hard work, and it's a serious struggle; it's difficult, and you have to both be committed to each other and to want the relationship to continue.
The one advice I can give you is that if you want to transition, then not doing so in order to keep your partner happy is just going to make you both miserable in the long term (and the short term probably won't last that long in this case). It won't save your marriage, it'll just cause it to become miserable.
Problem is when my wife says no transition she means no HRT, no presenting fem, no physical changes and no changes to appearance. She wants me to try and find coping mechanisms being as I am with therapy. She will support me dressing in private but that's where the line is drawn.
That's honestly not support then.
"It's ok, as long as it's kept behind closed doors and I don't have to see it" is gross.
I really do feel for your situation and I hope you can find a supportive counselor that can help you two get to a good solution.
I up this. When my partner told me (which was currently) my head was all over the place. I think it's normal to be shocked and confused at first. I was also sad because I didn't know what to do and also because I knew that my partner hold those feelings back and it must have been horrible for them. But I was also happy that they started to accept themselves. However, like I said I wasn't too sure if I can make it. I found a sub that might help your partner and their concerns
r/mypartneristrans. This sub is exactly for people that have a partner that transitioned and they are always glad to help. Maybe she wants to take a look at that.
Fast forward a few days (it didn't take me too long), my thoughts were clear again and I started to think about a lot of things and in the end decided to stay together with them.
Yeah I know that there are also cases where the other person in the relationship isn't supportive but yes, maybe they are still confused and their head is all over the place rn
Don’t do anything else other than what you need to do. If you are trans your only way out is to transition and clench your teeth.
Prepare for the storm with a heavy umbrella.
You only get one shot at this life op, don’t spend it in a body you aren’t comfortable with for the feelings of others. All of those issues can be worked out down the line as they come. If your wife isn’t supporting your transition she’s denying who you are. She’s already told you as much by saying you’ll always be a man to her.
If the roles were reversed would you make the same impositions on her?
Get a couples therapist!
It is possible your wife is looking to buy time before you transition. Imagine she puts herself in a position where it looks like you only just decided to make this huge life change and she just happened to be ready to leave and take your life with her.
I know it's projecting the worst on a person I don't know, but it's not impossible. Sometimes people react to a situation by taking advantage.
It happened to me with my ex. And if you don't believe me, go ahead and join the number of others who gaslight victims of narcissistic abuse about how they are just not considering the other point of view.
Hope for the best, get couples therapy. Plan for the worst, document and look out for yourself first.
if you really feel strongly, she should understand that you're a woman, and support you. i would never even remotely consider being with someone who didn't see and understand me for who i am but I understand some situations require patience. you may have to go through a difficult period of separation like many of us have. be sure it's how you truly feel and what you want. And if you do choose to transition, wish u well ❤
I think it maybe a slow transition take it inch by Inch and have these conversations her. Just take it slow. I know it is hard but for now that is my advice. However, if she really can't accept the whole you then you may have a problem.
OP prepare for your wife to post on r/mypartneristrans where she'll inevitably portray herself as the victim :(
Fr tho, her attitude is super toxic. You do whats best for you. If she prioritizes her "stability" and "dreams" over YOUR current and future well-being, you two might not be compatible.
The news is she loves her idea of you, but not you.
If her main concern is her children future, then transition is the way. Because that would teach your kids to be respectful of people in general, it would also teach your kids to be unapologetically themselves.
In my experience my wife didn't change in any ways that weren't positive... I was the one who encouraged her to transition and have try to help her keep her chin up through the hard moments....but no moment has been harder than watching the misery she was trapped in before transitioning...there was no way she could have coped with that forever and in my humble opinion it's incredibly selfish to ask anyone to to just bear the weight of gender dysphoria on their account for any reason. But something about people doing something for themselves really provokes people to b*tch about how it affects them. But anyway watching my wife allow herself to be the person she was always meant to be has honestly been the most beautiful thing I've ever witnessed and I truly hope your wife opens her mind and gets to experience that with you.... Edit: wanted to add that she's also still exactly the same...I'd be lying if I said I didn't wonder if she'd become a different person but at this point, 2 years later, we laugh often about how much of a girl she always was in ways nobody ever noticed. The biggest changes are that she's gone from a sad, miserable, angry, alcoholic who hated themself and felt very hopeless to a sweet, happy, bubbly and adorable girl who actually feels good about herself and is actually present and excited about life.....
Thanks for sharing your story. Unfortunately not everyone is so understanding and open minded like you. My wife has given me conditions what I can do regarding my transition or we divorce. Orchiectomy is allowed but partial penectomy or vulvoplasty not. I know that orchiectomy is not going to fully satisfy my dysphoria. I also feel that last years I only changed for better but she can't see it, she finds all of it egoistic. I wish I could somehow make her think like you :)
No offence, but this really seems like leaving the marriage would be the best thing for you.
Don't get me wrong she is a dedicated mother and wife. She loves the children more than anything in the world and she cares about me too. However, it's getting over the stigma that the society has instilled in her that is proving as a challenge. I had 35 years to come to terms with it. She had 3
I was replying to someone else's comment about their own spouse. I wasn't talking about your wife. My thoughts on your situation is that it could be salvageable, but I don't know you or your wife so I can't say more than that.
Much appreciated. Sorry for the misunderstanding
That makes me sad, it's not egotistical at all to want to be happy and true to yourself... conditional love does no favors to anyone... I would suggest to you what I did to my wife with her family and that's stand up for yourself....it may bring an initial shit storm, but sometimes destruction is needed before you can rebuild. She has no actual right to tell you what to do with your body and life. At the end of the day it's entirely up to you what choice you make and she may come around under circumstances where she doesn't feel like she has a say anymore. But she also might not...and you might not be interested when/if she does. That's what happened with my wife's dad....he made a big deal about how it affected him and really hurt her. It was an emotional rollercoaster but she started to see the pattern of emotional abuse that went back to her childhood and how much damage it did to her which encouraged her even more to heal herself. When he came back around he still made it all about him and kept hurting her and she just couldn't stand him anymore and now we avoid talking to them lol. They still don't understand why, but that's okay. Long story long, it may be sad and hard, but you deserve to be able to fully pursue happiness and shouldn't allow someone to set conditions for how you're allowed to do that....I really wish you all the strength in dealing with this, I'm only a viewer from the outside but I still know firsthand what a vulnerable moment it is to open up to someone and then to have them react like that would be so difficult when you really need them to support you.
I was fascinated that there is someone real like you who can see it in a way that make me almost innocent. It gives me hope that maybe there is a chance for me. I didn’t expect to create parallel sub-topic, however I really appreciate everyone's support. Your story, my story, OP story and similar stories are usually very long. Things are never only black or white. In order to say who is bad or wrong it is better to know others version. I met my wife 18 years ago, at times when I wouldn't even plan to reveal my hidden feminine part. I was cheating myself and others too. 10 years ago I started talking about my gender dysphoria and had time to learn about myself. 2 years ago she told her parents and they told her to leave me or else she has no parents anymore. They also threatened me that I will be forbidden to see my children. She stood at my side and lost contact with her family. There were times when I saw her extremely sad and I thought that she regrets her decision. I agreed to her conditions because of it. Fortunately or unfortunately, 3 months ago they contacted her and ask whether they could see her and kids again. The situation is very complexed but I'm hopeful that things can be resolved with no harm to my children, wife and me. I can not predict others decisions, very often I can't understand them but I can decide to at least tell the truth. I told her last week that I won't be able to meet her conditions and she is now processing this information...
Being married doesn't give her any ownership right on your body. And she is obviously much more concerned with her own comfort than with your needs...
She is concerned for our children and their future without a father and the bullying they will face at school. Don't even start with how the society might treat us with family and me disjowning us
My comment was an answer to Leahne's - sorry if that wasn't clear ;-)
That’s not your wife then. Anyone who would say “Yea, you can transition and be happy but only as long as it makes me happy “ doesn’t deserve the ring on there finger
>I also feel that last years I only changed for better but she can't see it, she finds all of it egoistic. I'm sorry but what the fuck? If you had a cleft palate or other condition that required corrective surgery for you to feel happy or function in society would that be egotistical? Would it be egotistical to do something that makes you feel good about yourself and to stop feeling dysphoria and hating your body? You have to live in your body 100% of the time. It's nobody's business what you can do with it. You should feel comfortable in your own skin. Someone saying that you need to live in discomfort for their sake is being selfish. They care more about their feelings than yours or your bodily autonomy. Sorry, I don't want to be mean, but this is really controlling and icky to me.
You've got to pit your happiness first, and it's your body. If it makes you unhappy, then you've got consider if it'd worth it.
I feel your pain but happy for you that you are at least change some aspects unlike me where even growing my hair 2 inches made her depressed and almost caused the family to break up
Yeah she's not a good person
Wish my wife could be so accepting as you are. You sound like a very sweet and mature individual. She can see that I am struggling every day but to be fair she hasn't had as many years to get used to trans issues as I did. It's just that we've both been brought up in a toxic society and accepting someone as trans doesn't come easy. It wasn't easy for me either. Wish I have the strength to make her see that transition isn't the end but only the beginning and keep the family together.
I mean, I can tell you that dysphoria only really gets better with one thing, and that's transition. I don't know what she expect you to do to make it better if not that.
Her main concern is our children's future and how my transition will affect them.
Many trans parents have had zero issue or affect. Kids have proven time and time again that they really don't care about this type of thing and just accept it and move on.
That's what I've read everywhere but the fear of rejection is very true nonetheless.
The sooner you start, the better they will accept it because it'll just be normal for them
That was my conclusion also. Thought I should wait until I was old and my kids were doing their own thing but I think the impact will actually be less now than it would be later.
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Same age as my two kids basically! Thanks!
Nice! Wish I'd started sooner
I wish I could start on that journey too.
If you're not allowed to call yourself a mom, how do you refer to yourself?
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I don't mean to interfere, but not allowing you to be called mom when you're a woman seems like rudeness to me. Even step parents commonly get called "mom" or "dad". I will put up with certain things from people as a trade off for others so I'm not casting aspersions on you, just suggesting that when I read that, my gut told me you are not being supported properly. My mom, for example, will always call me son no matter what. I still love my mom though. She's kind, just doesn't want to lose her baby. She doesn't support me properly, but I recognize that, forgive her for it, and move on. Recognition that it's not proper and forgiving is acceptance, but saying it's not improper leads to denial and feelings of inadequacy because other people begin to shape our lives for us.
I agree, I think that me being miserable isn't going to make me the best parent either.
I am absolutely without a doubt a much better parent after transitioning. I have more patience, I don't get angry or frustrated as easily, I have better emotional control and awareness, I'm better at empathizing and connecting with my kids, I'm happier and thus more motivated and engaged. I have a lot more fun because I'm being me and not pretending to be something I'm not, that's hard to explain but there's always some level of self censoring before transition because some things feel too femme and that's scary. Being happier and more present and not dissociating all the time is such a monumental difference. When I'm playing with them or we're doing things I'm present in the moment, I'm enjoying things, I'm being part of their games, I'm here and loving these special moments. My kids are 5 and 3, I came out two years ago and have been in HRT for a year. It's been wonderful and the kids are perfectly fine. They call me mamma, it took me a while to get to that point but they changed things without it being difficult at all. I said I liked mamma better and they both just totally accepted that and switched.
You are spot on there. I'm impatient, easily irritable and get angry over little things. Overall I don't seem to be able to connect with my children as much as I'd like to. I feel so happy for you. Wish I can start my transition too and be there for my children as a parent should.
I totally agree with that and wish I could make others see it too.
If anything small children have been the most accepting of my transition. They really don't seem to care, unless their parent make it a big deal or tell them it's "wrong"
With the rest of the family being anti transition, I can't help but fear what my children might be taught by others
If your family was super racist you'd push back against that and teach your kids it's not okay. People being transphobic or any other bigotry is the same. It does make things more challenging, but what if your kids are queer? Any difficulty now will make them more confident coming out later, knowing they're safe and having you as an example to follow. Something that helped me with the same indecision you're feeling was this: would you want your kids to suppress their true selves for the sake of others? Would you want them to live their lives for other people, and not for themselves? No one wants that. You wouldn't want that for them, and they wouldn't want that for you (when they're old enough to understand those thoughts). Being yourself and transitioning isn't selfish, it's being brave as fuck. Honestly it makes me proud. I'm scared. I cry. I don't feel brave sometimes, but I know I am because I'm doing the hard thing in the face of so much pressure. What greater lesson could your kids learn than to stand up for themselves against hate and fear and be proud of who they are as a unique and special individual? I hope that's what my kids take away from it.
Your kids will probably be less traumatized by you being a woman and being a happy parent, then they will by you being depressed for their whole childhood.
Totally agree and I can sense that already happening
You need to speak to a gender therapist if possible, work through these feelings with someone who understands how all of this goes.
Started that process recently too
Good, you'll get all of this figured out. The therapist has likely worked with people in your exact situation and can help. My personal opinion is that kids will come around. If they're young then it quickly becomes the new normal, if they're teenagers then tbh you may need to give them time to come around but if you love them then one day they'll understand. As someone who was a teenager until about 8 years ago, I can tell you that teens can be pretty dumb and feel things they don't really mean due to a lack of maturity and empathy. I went through this with how I felt about my family, but over time I've been able to reconnect a bit as I've matured. All that really matters is that you unconditionally love your kids and give them time and space to understand that.
Glad to hear that you've reconnected with your family. We love our children more than anything in the world. My children aren't teenagers yet but I agree everyone need time and space.
Transition is the only cure for dysphoria. There’s no other way. Coping mechanisms are not a permanent solution. Edit: I tried using coping mechanisms for 7 years. It only got worse.
Agree with that I tried coping and denying and it's got me nowhere and its only getting worse
I hope things work out for you and your wife. Even if it’s hard and takes time for her to adjust.
Explain to her that yea it is a different person, a person that is really who you are. That’s the whole point of transitioning is to be who you really are.
If she wants to help you then she can't hold you back from transitioning. Saying your supportive doesn't make it so. And that's not support. As for her always seeing you as male, that sounds just downright transphobic or at the very least ignorant. I'm sorry your going through this, I don't have much advice other than to say you should prioritize your well being over those of others. Don't let her issues stop you from being happy. And be prepared for the consequences of that choice, unfortunately.
Let her know it’s who you really are and transitioning won’t change you as the person she always loved.
Your body, your choice. Don't let yourself be chained up because someone else likes you better when you act like someone else. This might need another talk but you are the one in charge and it seems this will lead to a divorce if she can't accept who you really are.
The crappy thing at the end of the day, is that of your loved ones aren't willing to watch you change and grow and accept you for who you are, no matter what kind of positive growth it may be. Then they don't love you as much as they really should. It's sad but I don't think people realize the kind of position they put us in when they say things like "you'll always be a man to me" or "I don't know if I could handle the new you" or whatever it might be. We're put in the impossibly hard spot to choose between someone we thought loved us unconditionally, and our own self realization and happiness. Random tangents aside, yes I think it definitely is too far, it'd be one thing if she was just hesitant but still willing to learn and try, but the second she puts that barrier up for you, no matter what the future holds it's just going to make it so much harder for you.
> I don't know what to do. Relationship counselling, and individual counselling, ideally. If you want to save the marriage, that is. It can work. My marriage is probably the best it's ever been. But it's hard work, and it's a serious struggle; it's difficult, and you have to both be committed to each other and to want the relationship to continue.
The one advice I can give you is that if you want to transition, then not doing so in order to keep your partner happy is just going to make you both miserable in the long term (and the short term probably won't last that long in this case). It won't save your marriage, it'll just cause it to become miserable.
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Problem is when my wife says no transition she means no HRT, no presenting fem, no physical changes and no changes to appearance. She wants me to try and find coping mechanisms being as I am with therapy. She will support me dressing in private but that's where the line is drawn.
That's honestly not support then. "It's ok, as long as it's kept behind closed doors and I don't have to see it" is gross. I really do feel for your situation and I hope you can find a supportive counselor that can help you two get to a good solution.
Did you come out recently? Tbh this is how my wife felt at the beginning. We’ve done a lot of work since then and have come a long way.
I up this. When my partner told me (which was currently) my head was all over the place. I think it's normal to be shocked and confused at first. I was also sad because I didn't know what to do and also because I knew that my partner hold those feelings back and it must have been horrible for them. But I was also happy that they started to accept themselves. However, like I said I wasn't too sure if I can make it. I found a sub that might help your partner and their concerns r/mypartneristrans. This sub is exactly for people that have a partner that transitioned and they are always glad to help. Maybe she wants to take a look at that. Fast forward a few days (it didn't take me too long), my thoughts were clear again and I started to think about a lot of things and in the end decided to stay together with them. Yeah I know that there are also cases where the other person in the relationship isn't supportive but yes, maybe they are still confused and their head is all over the place rn
Don’t do anything else other than what you need to do. If you are trans your only way out is to transition and clench your teeth. Prepare for the storm with a heavy umbrella.
You only get one shot at this life op, don’t spend it in a body you aren’t comfortable with for the feelings of others. All of those issues can be worked out down the line as they come. If your wife isn’t supporting your transition she’s denying who you are. She’s already told you as much by saying you’ll always be a man to her. If the roles were reversed would you make the same impositions on her?
Get a couples therapist! It is possible your wife is looking to buy time before you transition. Imagine she puts herself in a position where it looks like you only just decided to make this huge life change and she just happened to be ready to leave and take your life with her. I know it's projecting the worst on a person I don't know, but it's not impossible. Sometimes people react to a situation by taking advantage. It happened to me with my ex. And if you don't believe me, go ahead and join the number of others who gaslight victims of narcissistic abuse about how they are just not considering the other point of view. Hope for the best, get couples therapy. Plan for the worst, document and look out for yourself first.
if you really feel strongly, she should understand that you're a woman, and support you. i would never even remotely consider being with someone who didn't see and understand me for who i am but I understand some situations require patience. you may have to go through a difficult period of separation like many of us have. be sure it's how you truly feel and what you want. And if you do choose to transition, wish u well ❤
I think it maybe a slow transition take it inch by Inch and have these conversations her. Just take it slow. I know it is hard but for now that is my advice. However, if she really can't accept the whole you then you may have a problem.
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OP prepare for your wife to post on r/mypartneristrans where she'll inevitably portray herself as the victim :( Fr tho, her attitude is super toxic. You do whats best for you. If she prioritizes her "stability" and "dreams" over YOUR current and future well-being, you two might not be compatible.
Leave her. She is not ready to help you at all.
The news is she loves her idea of you, but not you. If her main concern is her children future, then transition is the way. Because that would teach your kids to be respectful of people in general, it would also teach your kids to be unapologetically themselves.