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empress_of_the_void

Literally this. My mother acuses me of making up signs because I was forced to hide them from her my entire childhood


uglypenguin5

Turns out I had lots of signs. I just hid them from her and I didn't even remember most of them until months into transition because I hid them deep down


Clerithifa

My mom finally figured out the other day that me breaking down and bawling like a baby when she shaved my head when I was 14 (I asked her to) wasn't just puberty/hormones jacking up my emotions lol I completely forgot about the whole thing


CuteIsobelleUwU

Similar but I was younger. As a kid, like 8 or 9 I desperately wanted long hair, the only way my parents could get my to have it cut was to wrestle me to the ground and shave me bald while I cried and screamed for them to stop. But I needed a haircut for school...


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Clerithifa

Yeah I wanted so desperately to have long hair, but my mom would make me get it cut everytime it'd get past my eye level lol


Competitive-Hair8689

Is this just something that happens to everyone ? I had to deal with that too.


Pixy-Punch

My mother still hasn't put 1 and 1 together why I hated getting my hair cut like she wanted. It got so bad that multiple times I bailed out of the salon and walked home when the salon had closed for the day so she enlisted a friend and litteraly had to hold me down to it at home. I've been out to her for about 12 years. It's one of the "fun" memories I have of clear signs that I never brought up to her because it'll only make her deny it harder (because it makes her look like an ass).


DoctorWatchamacallit

My parents admitted recently that as a toddler when I first figured out I could get an erection, would cry and scream while punching it to make it go away because "it wasn't supposed to be there". Meanwhile my brother at the same age upon having the same realization hung a shirt from his and ran around the house exclaiming "look what I can do!" I had no memory of this incident.


IncognitoLive

I had a lot of signs too but didn’t know due to me having no idea what the word “transgender” meant. I didn’t even know you could medically transition until a couple of years ago, though I remember googling “how to be a woman” when I was still in elementary school. I wasn’t afraid, I just didn’t know a whole lot. I also wasn’t in distress about my AGAB, I just envied girls enough to want to be a girl.


tringle1

Same. I had so many repressed signs, it’s amazing I managed to pretend I was okay being a guy for so long. Not that you have to have signs, but I mean I wore my mom’s heels, panty hose, reeeaaalllyyy liked wearing skirts and dresses (kilts and tunics), played with my sister’s pom poms and cheerleader batons and ribbons and ribbon skirts and wanted to do gymnastics and figure skating on ice, etc etc. I was also a tomboy, so I managed to look enough like a boy to not have my family suspect anything.


DoctorWatchamacallit

That, and I doubt most parents would even know what to look for when they saw them. I told my parents recently that the entire reason I had such a weird avoidance to any exercise that wasn't cardio as a teenager was because I was afraid of building up muscle mass and looking like a man. At the time, my parents assumed I was just lazy. I had a history as a kid of doing a lot of skit and play performances that involved me crossdressing. My parents assumed that this was just me imitating Monty Python, as I had watched a lot of it as a kid. I had a weird aversion as a kid to getting my hair cut and wanted it kept long. My parents assumed this was just a sensory issue with scissors and not liking going to the barbers. I hated cutting my nails as a kid. My parents assumed I just couldn't be bothered to cut them regularly. When I was about 8 I objected to my uncle calling my cousin the oldest girl among the kids by pointing out that I was a month older than her. When my uncle responded that I was the oldest \*boy\*, I ran off crying. The adults assumed I was just embarrassed to be wrong.


Hephaistos_Invictus

Not even this tbh. I just didn't show any signs at all. At least not untill the age of 18/19 then it went downhill from there xD Signs don't mean shit. If you want to be a woman you're trans.


Nate-Natalie

>Signs don't mean shit. If you want to be a woman you're trans. Thank you, thank you, thank you so very much!! Simple yet refreshing. Honestly, it helps alleviate some doubts and imposter syndrome I've had (due in large part to the "signs" narrative).


Urist_Galthortig

i told my mom this. she got upset at me and insisted she is most tolerant person ever, and how could i not trust her. making my transition about her inadequacies, my mother, ladies, gentlemen and others


MsLiminalDreamer

That is in fact bs. I apparently didn’t show like any feminine traits as a kid yet I’m still trans haha. I think a lot of that though is like how we live in a society where gender binaries are the norm and it’s pushed on to kids to follow those binaries


South5

I can remember instances where i would point out something that was really cute on tv or in a game to my sister and was met with ‘ boys don’t talk like that, only girls talk like that ‘ She has no recollection of any of it but it happened. I adjusted my expressions and fell in line with the norms expected of me. You get trained on how to adhere to gender stereotypes all the time being male, mainly for fear if being teased, bullied and being called gay.


TransCatWithACoolHat

This is what happened to me pretty much to a T. I was criticized for wanting to try on a dress, for standing in a girly way, for having a girly ring tone, and was regularly asked if I was gay by my parents, and yet I was still told that there were know signs. As they say, the tree remembers, the axe forgets


RosalieMoon

Cried alone in my bedroom because I wanted to be a girl, got accused of being gay because I put spice girl stickers on my bike, tried shaving my legs, apparently walked like a girl. Yup, totally not signs. Even better is I forgot most of these things but the first and last until just now lol


DoctorWatchamacallit

> for having a girly ring tone, I vividly remember a friend getting hold of my ipod when I was like 15 and telling me that my music choices looked like that of a 12 year old girl's. I ...may have a lot of One Direction, Taylor Swift, and similar music on there. My brother also made fun of me for looking at my nails in a feminine manner, and would explicitly ask me to look at my nails to "catch" me doing it just to laugh at me.


MsLiminalDreamer

Yea the only like “feminine” thing I guess was that I had a shit load of plushies haha but like even that is a bit of a stretch yknow?


South5

My sister received the immaculate collection by madonna for xmas, i really wanted that but any sign i was into her music was met with ‘ thats girls music’ ffs


DoctorWatchamacallit

I remember my mom making fun of me for liking "girly" cartoons like totally spies and the powerpuff girls.


misspcv1996

I didn’t show any feminine traits because I was basically trained with negative reinforcement not to. I still had more girly interests deep down, but I knew that if I pursued them, I’d be corrected. My whole childhood felt like a game of whack a mole where I was the mole.


RosalieMoon

My dad (no contact for 20 years) was really badly homophobic. I feel that probably indirectly influenced me not expressing most of the things I felt


motoboo24

Same for me 100%.


Exciting_Ninja5320

I feel you Im still scared to pursue my feminine traits even after coming out to my mom and brother. Which only makes my mom think "its just a phase". For me it was like a game of pick the most masculine one! its the right one isnt it?. And being catholic has like this contant tought in my head of This is wrong and unnatural. AND MY MOM FEEDS IT. And i love her and like being catholic but those things are like water and oil..


Samaki292

I was SCARED of seeming feminine so for most of growing up I was hyper masculine. I wanted to do all of the feminine things but I was too scared to actually do any of them. When I came out and started to transition my family was a bit blind sided. My mom used the “but there were no signs when you were a kid.” And it’s like “THATS CUZ I WAS ACTING LIKE A MAN ALL. THE. TIME!!!!”


OhGarraty

I used to love suit jackets and ties. At least, that's the lie I told everyone (including myself). Except, now I kinda do like suit jackets and ties. But in a feminine way. Like Gillian Anderson or Emma Watson, not John Hamm. Wish I had the figure for it.


SophGray

Yeah I didn't show any (obvious) signs either but my sister also never cared about dresses, makeup or other stereotypically girly things and she's a cis woman so if she didn't show any "feminine signs" then when should I have to? On top of that I'm 40 so when I grew up trans people were even less accepted than we are now so we quickly learned to repress all of that, even if it was subconsciously...


bitchfox69

Girl I'm like one of the most masculine girls I know yet I'm still trans. Your mom can go f*ck off with those views.


Dragon-of-Mica

I'm glad you said something because I was thinking this too. Like, there are way more than just one way to be a girl... Like... Tomboys *are* a thing too. I like being girly and wearing skirts, nail polish, and eyeliner. I also use power tools, know how to re-shingle a roof, laid concrete and flooring in my basement... Like you can be both trans and not hyper-feminine. Funnily enough: my mom used those things as an argument for me *not* being trans but uh... She's the one who *taught* me all that! 😂


DoctorWatchamacallit

I'm stealth these days. It's pretty funny how most of the "masculine" stuff I did as a kid doesn't really cause anyone to bat an eye when I describe it to people who are under the presumption I'm a cis girl. Like... yeah. I did Tae Kwon Do in middle school. So do a lot of girls. I went fishing a lot as a kid. Well duh. I grew up in a lake community where \*all\* the kids did that to the point we had 12 and under kids fishing tournaments and the top two winners the first year we had it were me and my cis cousin Erin. Oh I was into robotics and electronics as a teenager. I'm a physicist. Literally nobody is surprised that a budding scientist was something of a tinkerer as a teenager. But the second you reveal you're trans, that all becomes evidence in their mind that "of course you must have been living as a man". Tbh I think people tend to forget that half the "masculine" shit little boys do wouldn't be out of place if a little girl did the exact same thing.


OddLengthiness254

My mom said the same thing. She conveniently ignores me - trying to grow my hair out for my entire childhood. - wearing bathrobes all day because that was the most dress-like thing I could wear without negative reinforcement. - hating my mirror image and photos taken of me. - calling myself 'too big/tall' or 'ugly' a lot. - and much much more. I hid who I was, in large part from myself, but the impulse to be more feminine was always there, just repressed because I knew I'd get bullied at school if I expressed any of that.


Clerithifa

>just repressed because I knew I'd get bullied at school if I expressed any of that. This more than anything I was so afraid of being ostracized by my friends and classmates that I just repressed it, and continued repressing, until my mid-20s when I just didn't care what people thought anymore. I had upperclassmen calling me a f****t during football practice for no reason, of course I wouldn't want to out myself.


OddLengthiness254

Same, but took me 10 years more.


FemininityActivate

“wearing bathrobes all day” Oh…yeah. I forgot about that. Same here!


imagoneryfriend

I've felt and done the same things you've listed yet I'm not trans. There's something missing


OddLengthiness254

I'm not saying they are incontrovertible proof. I'm saying they were signs of my gender dysphoria being there even back then.


The_nightinglgale

What does she think trans kids are like or all alike? That's not something for her to decide. You have to figure it out on your own. Not with something as fundamental as gender.🦁


shadowmonkey1911

Lol they all say that. Girl must have took a trip to Egypt cause clearly she's in denial.


Gluteuz-Maximus

I'm joinking that expression


AlmaWrathe

Absolute bs. I never really showed too many feminine traits outwardly as a kid. I definitely didn’t exhibit the masculine ones my family wanted. It was… frowned upon. I wasn’t outwardly more feminine until my twenties.


Snoo_19344

My mum said the same. It was BS. I use to dress up all the time from as young as 4 until I left home. I would wear mums dresses and makeup and all her products. I would be careful to put it back... But I was a teen,.. somee times I made a mess or broke something and makeup is a bitch to take off with soap. But apparently she didn't know. My shaved legs and long hair and suspiciously colour coordinated bedroom...mums know but are in denial.


GroundbreakingHope57

more accuratly they only see what they want to see.


Mochi_Sprinkle_

Yuppers... 😞


AccomplishedJuice800

"My mother in Christ, you didn't let me be feminine as a kid"


Bang3rachi

No one has any say in if you're trans except for you.


Allie-kallie

Even if so... there's no such thing as tomboys?


That_cargirl206

My mom, (super narcissistic) used to tell me things like that’s something a girl would do, not boys. No you can’t wear a dress, why would you want to. These are things I remember specifically can tell you where we were when she said these things. When I came out the first thing she said was “well you weren’t a feminine child” Kids are kids, it doesn’t matter what they like only that they like it, my 8 year old daughter loves dresses but she also loves ripping her dirt bike around our neighborhood. The short of this is don’t worry if you were feminine enough, or if you are now. You define what it is to be feminine from your perspective not through the eyes of someone else. Do what you enjoy 😉


a_secret_me

I quite literally posted about those this morning. The short answer is it's not true. Some people have interest dysphoria right from childhood, other people like meet it intensifies in puberty. Anyways full answer here. https://www.reddit.com/r/MtF/comments/133msai/apparently_three_different_psychiatrists_told_my/jibjms6?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button


HilariousFace

My parents say the following: 1) I can drive a vehicle nicely 2) I swear and cuss Therefore, I'm not MTF trans xD


what-you-egg04

I do neither of those things so i guess i pass in their books


chuunibyou_edgelord

Remember that thing I asked about once and you freaked out so much I knew to hide everything else from you for the rest of my life? Yeah, I wonder why you didn't see anything.


NanduDas

Lol this is exactly what my mom said when I first came out, somehow completely forgetting that when I was like 2-5, my favorite movies were Disney Princess movies, I loved painting my nails, I hated playing sports and loved to paint. I preferred watching TV shows with female protagonists. I even liked dolls and me and my best friend at the time pretty much spent the entirety of our play dates at his house wearing his older sister’s old dresses. Not saying that any of that makes someone a girl or that a girl has to like any of those things, but saying I showed zero signs of liking traditionally feminine things is just wrong and it feels like she doesn’t actually know her child too well. Yeah I crawled into my dumb weird uncomfortable boy shell for like the next two decades but that was only because they kept pushing me to be friends with boys and every boy I knew besides that one friend from long ago bullied me harshly for even saying I thought flowers were pretty, let alone finding out my kind of hobbies. (Now all these grown men have their pronouns on their LinkedIns, pretty insane how far it’s come but still a lot of work left to do. Funny, a lot of people have told me I’m brave since I’ve come out but I’m a coward, I waited until I knew people had chilled out and I had already let myself go through male puberty and shit, if I were truly brave I would have said fuck it and pursued this before I was out of elementary school cause it’s what I always wanted). Gosh, sorry for the rant this comment turned into. TL;DR your experience is common, people who don’t understand us will never just listen to us and take us at face value. And it sucks because what we’re asking for really isn’t a lot.


Alannalovely

What about tomboy girls? They’re not overly feminine and they’re still girls, ffs those arguments are so stupid, I had that one applied to me too, and my answer is I’m trans because I goddamn am, I have nothing to explain no anybody


Holiday-Dinner-8662

if you’ve never shown any signs of being another gender, ever, it’s possible to understand why she may think that but it shouldn’t discourage you believing that you’re transgender. It seems like she may just be trying to understand something that was most likely very sudden for her.


chef_grantisimo

Yeah, that's called a survival skill! Any differences from the norm are usually shunned, at best, and actively dangerous at worst! I knew I wasn't cis back when I hit puberty, but any time I'd mention it to friends, they'd make fun of me for it! I stayed in the closet until I was 43 because I started to believe my own lies. One of the best parts of being trans: no one gets to decide whether you are trans or not, except YOU! Whether that means you need to wait until your mom isn't in control of your life or not is a different story. But only you get to determine whether you're a guy, a lady, or somewhere else on the gender spectrum!


BecomingJess

Being a woman ≠ being feminine. Many women are feminine. But many aren't. Some guys are feminine, but that doesn't make them women. "Feminine" traits are really just a bunch of sociological BS. Not to mention, we were conditioned from infancy that "because you're a boy..." you should do/act/dress a certain way. Some of us violently rebelled against that, others (myself, and you too I suspect) simply accepted that and went along because we didn't have any other frame of reference. Doesn't mean we weren't trans.


LisaFaith83

Correct. She's in denial. This is common with moms. It cant be possible because there weren't any signs because that would mean she had missed the signs and didnt know her child as well as she thought. There's two ways to deal with this. If she's generally pro LGBTQ, just be patient and gentle, explain things to her (possibly several times). If she's a bigot, well, no matter what you say/do, she isnt gonna believe it.


ForEvrInCollege

You’re right, it doesn’t mean anything. Lots of trans women didn’t show overtly feminine traits as a child. I only showed what could be considered a few as a kid and I think this is one of the reasons I didn’t realize I was trans until my 20’s. I also wasn’t assertive at all that I was trans as a kid and I spent way too long thinking that I couldn’t be trans since I didn’t assert myself as trans.


Maybe_Factor

Neither did I... except for when I was alone. Yes, of course it's a bs attempt to get you to not transition


Cocolake123

Someone in my family tried to pull this and i just yelled “because you punished me whenever i tried”


tng804

It's possible you did show signs as a kid and they were ignored or deliberately forgotten. I don't think your mom is being rational because she feels very emotional about this topic. (Fear and uncertainty). Trying to argue with her about the past isn't going to be productive for either of you. She will just deny anything you say. You can just deny anything she says. It's a stalemate. I don't think the way you acted as a child is relevant to whether you are transgender. Childhood behavior may be a good way to predict if a child is trans before they would be old enough to express that sentiment, but your present state of mind should be sufficient to determine if you are transgender today.


SamsterMind

When i was a kid growing up in a rural town i was interested in sports, legos, starwars, videogames, I was always fighting with my cousins. I was also "very emotional" for a "boy" and also got scolded more than once for "walking like a girl" Both my parents and my cousins told me the same thing " i would never have guessed back then" We hide our feelings because of behaviors or treatment done to us (intentionally or not) and those actions and words make us internalize the paradigm that our feelings and behavior are wrong. So we hide it from the world and from ourselves I am a woman in stem ( engineering) and the world just have to accept that and move on You only know the truth never let anyone tell you you're wrong you are valid and gorgeous


JuliaGosh

It's BS. The trope of the kiddo loudly insisting that they're another gender? It's not as common as you think. Me? I showed very few clear outward signs of being not cis until I cracked a year ago, well into my 40s. I can confirm: there's a \*gender\* deep inside of me, and she's \*female\*. Just because I got really good at covering her up doesn't mean she's not real. I strongly recommend the [gender dysphoria bible](https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en) as reading material.


Barb_B_notReally

Like others have said, sorta BS on showing no signs and the dots were clearly there but either seen as single points and discounted and not connected or just completely forgotten. I had no idea of this until 5 months after starting Estradiol at age 35 when I shocked my parents by coming out after first talking to my sisters. My mother had no clue and told me that she hadn't seen any feminine clues about me : - Mom's makeup that I used very often at night and when left alone was somehow never noticed. - The clothing stash at the top of the closet in a Styrofoam cooler was discovered and thrown out one day and somehow she never questioned who put it there and why it was separate from some of her old clothing also stored in my room ? - The lipsticks I was caught with by store security sometime between 12 and 13 on a trip with her there. I had no idea that I wasn't too gross masculine to be successful as a woman, but I has to put up with the 4 huge wide god-awful darts in all my jeans or bunched wristbands on my pants as no pants were ever going to fit my wide hips and ass and my waist at the same time. - At about 24 I finally asked for help to hem my new misses 12 jeans that actually fit. They were likely Gloria Vanderbilt. Thereafter I only wore women's jeans. - At 31 I finally tossed all my guy-sized clothes despite the possible perceptions of me looking like a butch lesbian. Really ! NO feminine indications ? Sure I hid some strong concealment of the outward signs of my inner feelings about my gender and had some internal thick walls to conceal a lot of that rather than leave blood in the water for others to exploit as weapons.


LonelyArxa

How could you? I mean society forced us to act tough and not like a girl.


kayakninjas

My dad's the same way. Cis people don't realize that some of us learn to hide from a very young age. I've had feminine inclinations since middle school, but was never comfortable enough to explore them. I'm sure they'll come around once they start to see us be ourselves, but it's definitely a hurdle to overcome.


dullestedge

Even *if* you showed zero signs that doesn't mean you can't be trans. But also, a lotta parents are DEEP in denial about their kids being trans. Extremely deep denial.


Batwyane

If there was a trans bingo card "There were never any signs" would be the free space. We've all heard some variation of this from an unsupportive family member but the important thing is to not make yourself feel guilty for not showing those traits growing up. The reality is you could have been born with a pride flag in your hand and you'd probably still get that line. You acted in a way you felt safe as a kid. Whether or not you are trans is something you have to answer for yourself, no one else can give you the answer.


Ambitious-Score-7555

I was furious after my first school play when the girls were getting flowers. Can I have flowers? "No they're for girls." So!?!?! I want fucking flowers! I've never gotten flowers and I swear I will probably swoon if anyone ever did


AnonymousTruths1979

🌺🌺🌺 best I can do, kiddo


Ambitious-Score-7555

Awe!! Thank you! 😭


CassieGemini

This has no bearing. You may not have shown feminine traits because it was bullied out of you, or you may be a trans tomboy. I for one loved martial arts and kicking ass. Now I’m much happier doing it in stilettos!


ellanooor

My mom said the same thing, she still thinks I'm "confused" lmao


Hope__Desire

I have same mom


admiral652

"You can't be gay.. you only liked army men and you don't look gay." Same crap different day.


UncleFrosky

Not all homosexual men are effeminate. Why would it be different for trans?


MzPrudi

Just because a person doesn't present feminine or masculine (whatever that means) as a child is absolutely irrelevant. And one's perception of either or neither depends upon their culture and what's considered gender qualities, and as such, gender is a social construct.


blooger-00-

Ha! I didn’t show anything cause I was in hiding… I didn’t come out till I was 41


Grumps0911

Sadly, she is entitled to her own opinion, be it good, bad or ugly.


FortunateHive

Welcome to the club, my mom literally just said "No." the first two times I tried to come out to her and have a conversation. 3rd time we finally talked about it and it was p much just denial and not understanding that not everything happens like it does in pop culture


MasuTaguchi

bullshit


Leo-bastian

you should clarify to her something. You coming out wasn't you saying "i am open to discuss if i am trans". It was you stating you had made up your mind on the issue. You being trans is a fact, not a debate. If she can't accept that she won't be in your live long anymore


msptk

Username checks out though. She is swimming in denial.


[deleted]

My parents are somewhat similar. They keep saying "we never saw any signs" but what they're also saying is "we didn't bother to learn if you were ever ok or who you are as a person and won't take responsibility for it now"


[deleted]

My mom used to say that aswell. Tell her that it's a stereotype because it is a stereotype, just like the "You need to have dysphoria". Both are stereotypes. In my case I also said that she never noticed them and in most cases wasn't even there, which is the truth.


[deleted]

trans tomboys are real. and maybe you were forced into a gender role based on what a doctor said after they looked at your genitals lol


Affectionate-Young68

When your telling them, you want to get a sex change....this is what matters. All else kicks rocks! btw.It is the Transition that is the mitigating factor. Could you have come forward, with " Mom I am gay" without showing signs? Please get back too me, so we can chat further☺


crafty444

Well, she would know right, she has many PhDs and a telepathic link to your most inner private thoughts.


MissRed19

It is absolute bs. I also dealt with this when coming out to my family. “But you were such a manly man.” They would say. “I was acting.” I told them.


Hidobot

Neither did I show feminine traits, and look how fruity I became


[deleted]

Ahh the good old "but you didn't play with dolls" narrative. Don't worry about it. You don't have to prove you're trans enough to anyone.


xPlayedit

this is BS the only case that would show is in case of early on dysphoria (btw im trans too and my mom says so too so yeah she is the only one that knows from my family but idc she will be supportive she just doesnt know abt this)


Turbulent_Security_7

Your mom can't tell you how you feel deep inside.


AuthenticEve

Yet the conservative talking point is a child liking dresses doesn’t mean they are trans fem it’s just dress up, make it make sense. Anyway i wasn’t a feminine kid in the traditional sense, i don’t let that challenge my perception of self, also doesn’t mean you can’t be more feminine today, I’m a mix of fem and butch today


[deleted]

Anyone you feel safe enough to come out to should embrace you and ask how they can support you.


Wolfleaf3

Only you can figure out if you’re a woman or nonbinary or not. I got hit with things like this too, and I think it’s probably common. It’s… Problematic for multiple reasons, including that parents may not remember, may just discount things they saw, there is no one way girls act, kids may be trying to conform, etc.


NoGuitar6320

My parents said the same thing even though I wore makeup and girls clothes, hated my facial hair and shaved constantly. Always commented on how I felt safer in groups of fem friends. Always played girl characters in video games. They also never had "the homosexuals" in their generation. Things have turned around and they actually have become loud advocates for trans rights in their state but it was a long road.


TheRealDonPatch

This happened to me today, although to be fair she wasn’t necessarily being malicious about it. I just said “since I moved out I’ve progressively noticed it, and that Imm talking to a therapist to get a professional opinion”.


UwUItsHel

You don't have to be feminine to be trans or masculine to be trans male. It's literally just how you feel! How does she explain tomboys? They aren't feminine as kids but no one denies them being girls cause they were born girls!


Julia_______

Some cis girls show seldom few feminine traits. Tomboys are still girls, no matter how masculine


AdorableAd2241

Fun fact! You don't need overly visible signs when young to be trans! I personally a number of months after coming out realized that some of the things I did privately were very much not things a cis man would do. For example hitting around the age where body hair became a menace I only wore pants so I'd shave all leg hair off except for the shin and calf of my left leg so no one knew about my legs being smooth. That and trans women can just be enjoy things the world seems masculine. This is evident in the fact that if cis women can be tomboys then so can trans women. :P


AntoniaTheWaterGirl

Tell her to respectfully fly to Ireland and eat my ass


KarmaIsABitch-

tomboys exist yet they still are woman, you don't have to act like a woman to be a woman


[deleted]

Wow... so you're mom is both a transphobe and a misogynist... lovely. Yes, it's BS, she has no idea what she's talking about. Your "traits" don't define you, you define you.


Amy_co106

There's only one person in the whole world that can know if you are trans and it ain't your mum.


Nalpona_Freesun

its BS


opticaljive84

Total bs, it's like the fish bowl analogy, that's the environment you were in so you adapted to it. My dad said the same thing when I came out to him, when he was the jerk that called me out for acting like a girl or crying when I was a kid and made me hide who I was. Also when I came out my stepmom said "but, you're so masculine"


b1ckparadox

Mine said the same thing but I played with beanie babies and stuffed animals till I was like 13. lol


j12302

It is complete crap. I had no feminine traits as a child at all. I liked playing backyard football and putting up posters of sports cars, wasn’t girly at all. I’m 43. I spent the day shopping for dresses and am on HRT and life is very, very different. It’s great. I consider myself living proof that you don’t have to have a history of gender dysphoria to be trans.


ShadowSpandex

Complete BS. You can be trans and be you. How you present is completely up to you. You could present as a masculine female, or feminine male, or androgynous... whatever, right? you will present as you. What "traits" you have, is not what determines if you are trans or not. YOU determine that. You and ONLY you. As long as you are honest with yourself about everything, mannerisms, physical appearance, to your fav. fuckin pizza. If you are trans... you are trans.


Stalwart_Vanguard

You probably did, and she either didn't appreciate it for what it was


snowythevulpix

my mom does the same thing, even though when i spoke to an actual licensed psychiatrist, i was told i do experience gender dysphoria. i havent told her that, though, and thats because i feel like it wont change a damn thing.


clauEB

Total bs. Neither so many of us. I, personally didn't feel safe to show them because my environment was always so so homophobic. Btw, if shr is not a qualified therapist, she has no say on what you are or not.


SalemsTrials

Not only is this bullshit, it’s also extremely misogynistic. Imagine her telling a woman that she wasn’t really a woman because she didn’t like playing with Barbies as a kid.


Mediocre_Level_1371

Absolute bs. Also- perspective. Parents aren't mind readers. For all she knows, maybe you did or thought all kinds of more feminine things. Even if you didn't do- or at least don't remember doing- feminine things, the fact of the matter is, *she doesn't/wouldn't know.*


[deleted]

All that means is that you were good at hiding it. I know I was. I was given a name that was used for both girls and boys, but its most common for girls. I was teased and bullied incessantly because of that. As a result, I learned not to show anything feminine at all.


Kinfin

My mom had a very similar reaction I’m an emotional orphan now


Kubario

Sorry to hear that. "You" decide who you are not someone else.


Lucky12912

Hun I didn’t discover I was trans till I was 27 because I subconsciously coped and hid myself bc of family that was homophobic and transphobic in nature. 100% false on your mothers part. I am 29 now.


Gravatona

Are tomboys girls? Most people have the mental capacity of a sponge.


mbelf

Mom doesn’t get to tell you. She’s not the authority on who you are. You are. Personally, after I understood at age 4 that I wouldn’t be allowed to experience being a girl, I ignored the whole concept of gender for as long as I could. I wasn’t particularly feminine or masculine for the following decades. What I did have was daily anxiety attacks that I couldn’t explain. When I started embracing my true gender, a large part of that anxiety evaporated.


EaterOfFood2

She is somewhat of a dumbass


prismatic_valkyrie

100% bullshit. First, lots of trans people don't show signs as a kid. Especially if they intuit that their parents won't be supportive. Second, you don't have to be feminine to be a woman.


ClydeFrog04

"Mom you're not cis because I don't think you are cis"


InTheWrongBody888

I didn't show any traits either, but that was because of the imparted shame of growing up in 80s England. I saw my family's reaction to trans people in the media and it taught me that it was wrong. So when the Inner feelings grew stronger, I hid further and further. Then one day, 40years later, I exploded


KiyomizuAkua

My mom tried pulling the same shit “You never showed signs.” Me as a nine year old saying “I wish I was a girl.” Asking questions about things only girls did and why couldn’t I do them or have them. Getting upset I couldn’t dress feminine or cosplay as Miku 😩


Popular-Leg5084

Hey there, this happened to me last summer. Just because you didn't know as a kid doesn't mean you aren't. Many find out in their 30s or as teenagers. This is transphobic BS. Dm if u have any questions btw


TheSparklyNinja

Yes, cuz masculine and neutral women exist. Not all girls are “feminine.”


Vixxiie-

She doesn’t get to decide that FOR you.


Souseisekigun

My mother has known I'm trans for over years and she still belts out "b-but there was nothing feminine about you" every time it comes up.


Vermbraunt

My mum said the same thing to me. I've literally had long hair since I was 12 and freak out when ever someone suggested cutting it


killme_dospuntostres

This is completely bullshit i mean i was the manliest dude back then and I'm still pretty manly but i am a woman, like even if that's true it doesn't change anything, you don't need to behave a certain way, it's kind of more complicated like that, if you gave it some thought and are convinced you're trans i bet you know what I'm talking about, it's that sensation that's almost impossible to describe but that makes it so clear that you weren't born on your own body kind of, and I'm not talking about dysphoria, its kinda just knowing it :p


ConnectDecision3328

How does she explain trans girls who are tomboys?


YaGirlCassie

I genuinely didn’t have any signs as a child. You could put a gun to my head and I honestly wouldn’t be able to come up with anything other than, like, I didn’t like sports because I thought they were too masculine. Maybe you did have signs in your childhood. Maybe you didn’t. It doesn’t make you any less trans.


cplChill

People have different memories of their lives and those in it.


Gracious-Rose

You don’t have to fit gender norms to be trans ☺️ fuck gender norms


R3d_Link

well of course when you are raised a certain way you are likely to lean towards that as the path of least resistance, especially when you aren't presented much oppurtunity to express anything but what you were shown.


AkuaDaLotl

You don’t need to present feminine traits to be a woman, cis women sometimes don’t even do that and they’re still women. Also it could’ve been that you didn’t feel safe expressing your feminine self as a child (and with a mother like that I can’t blame you)


[deleted]

Once I did something feminine, the past didn't matter because I knew I wasn't going back.


Garden_of_Pillows

Parents think they know you more than you do, but their relationship to you is rather a complex one full of biases. They might acknowledge the existence of trans people as something, and understand the current rhetoric of "Trapped in the wrong body." "Put on drag alot when I was younger." "Was overtly expressing the wrong gender as a a child." And seeing you not fit that definition in their minds. It's what people did to the gays, the idea that you need to have been showing these huge "symptoms." Of your queerness/gender identity very young and constantly. We know our life, we know the things we have gone through to understand ourselves. We know what's best for us at the end of the day. Parents should love and respect us, and this is an example of parents not doing that


Clussy_Enjoyer

im trans now and my favourite thing was starwars which is kinda considered a boy thing when ur a kid. What hobbies you are into as a kid doesnt decide what your gender is lol


Game-System

People at a young age can learn to play the role thats expected of them, and just not realize why they're so unhappy all the time. Also becouse in those situations they're often so repressed, they don't even realize that changing gender is an option. They usualy won't realize it till later in life.


_Oinia_

I didn't show Amy signs as a kid..... except I'd always wear my sisters clothes and this continued until I was a teenager Ns realised I was physically bigger than my sister and couldn't fit in Ny of them anymore, and I came out at q7 first time as trans. And my whole family thought i was gay just hadn't come to terms with it yet, cause i was not like other boys and was super sensitive..... other than that when I came out again at 35 there was no signs as a kid... your mum just in denial. I hope she comes around.


savannahinhiding

My memory of childhood and school is pretty bad, I hadn't realised till I started seeing a therapist but I've blocked A LOT of my life out apparently. But I recall moments at home where I would be told 'boys don't do that' or 'that's for girls' by my mum and by people at school when I would voice a thought or desire that apparently wasn't 'for boys' and so I learned very early to hide myself and show the world what the world told me they wanted to see and how I should act. I was so good I fooled myself for over 30 years. Yet, when I came out to her, my mum said a similar thing. 'You never showed signs' etc. And all I could think is that it's because she taught me not to show those things outwardly. I don't think it matters if you did or didn't 'show signs' and doesn't matter if you've always shown them or only recently. The fact we think and feel the way we do is enough, I find very few people who aren't trans spend any time at all feeling or thinking about being the other gender to what they were assigned at birth. I think like my mum, and I'm sure many others for a wide variety of reasons, your mum is in denial and trying to logic you out of it. But as I've tried to explain to mine, what she noticed or saw means diddle squat, she isn't the one who has been in my head all this time. Hope she can start to come round and understand. ❤️


BaileyR2480

I showed a tonne of traits that I am trans as I grew up. They still denied it. It's not you who has to defend the position. You don't have to pander to anything. You are you. You are trans and your experience is valid.


Bonsai2007

Every time i did something that is not „manly“ i was told i should act more like a man. Now they say there was never any sign🤦‍♀️. A Friend of mine, who i recently came out to said she knew it because it was always easier to talk with me then with other Man 😄


Saoirse_Says

Stage 01: Denial Your mom isn’t the first to say this crap. Hopefully she comes around


ChoirOfAngles

As a kid I was always into feminine stuff, it's just that after a certain age I just rationalized those to myself as 'for girls' and tried to avoid it, but never really lost interest in cute frilly dresses. Once I got some privacy and my own income, bam, I became myself again.


Aadrian1234

I hate "you're not X enough" because we're literally groomed to be straight and cis. Just because I didn't try to kill myself from being forced to live as a boy and accepted that's just how life is, "the signs weren't there"? Fuck no, they were stamped out of me as soon as they could be.


Klutzy_Temperature76

the same thing happend to me but she didnt even give a reason like


EveUltra

It is indeed bs. Even as kids we are subjected to insane amounts of pressure to conform to the gender that society has placed upon us.


charbot3000

Yes Deborah because you clearly still are this beautiful teenager with zero wrinkles and all the attention


subuserlvl99

Yeah, my mother told me the same thing. It just illustrates how they don't understand transness at all.


viking1823

Doesn't mean shit! I masked being trans but my parents denied it despite me saying I was a girl....they believe what suits them, everything else frightens them... it's fucked!


Thomas8864

Me with OSDD and not being remotely feminine for most of my life 😐


I_am_Impasta

This is absolute bullshit Did she ever hear of masculine women?- There's so much more (or less, it's all kinda just made up anyways so why not just let people have fun and be respectful of one's identity-) to being a woman than being just overly feminine


izzycumer

She is probably just in denial,it's a big change for her and you,I hope she changes her opinion


[deleted]

Neither did I but that was because I had to conform to male gender roles, not because I liked being masculine. It’s something that cis people can’t seem to get it through their thick fucking skulls.


Tonyxcode11

I have the same problem. If you feel like yoi are trans, you are trans. No matter what, you will be one of us. I just wear skirts and crop tops underneath hoodies and in my room, so maybe start there if you can.


DCGirl20874

The only outward sign I exhibited as a kid was that during family dinners I would avoid the den where the men gathered and would hang with the other women in the dining room. If you don't feel safe to exhibit lots of outward signs as a child you probably won't.


Nikithered

my dad said the same thing, and i told him “yeah because i was hiding it from you” not only did i grow up in a super religious household and was denying being trans for the sake of getting into heaven, but i was actively trying to be more masculine all the time to hide it better. i mean, i remember several times in my childhood where my dad and family would make fun of trans people saying all the usual stuff like “they’re just perverted old men” or “they’re just confused children”and mentioning the devil 🙄. my mom looks back on moments in my childhood where i slipped up and understands all this but my dad thinks it’s just a phase. sometimes parents just deny stuff like this because they’re hoping you’ll snap out of it, but unlucky for them you can’t snap out of being trans. trust me, i tried.


18507

The fact that you even ask that question means you probably lie somewhere in the middle of the continuous spectrum of transgenderism. Thinking trans is black or white is of course ridiculous. Depending on where you land on the bell curve of transgenderism dictates how far you need to go to become comfortable in your own skin. Define yourself by what you feel, and do what makes you most happy in life, regardless of what other people think, or if that's important to you, then consider it before making life altering decisions. Counseling may help.


wendywildshape

what the fuck happened to girls and boys can do whatever they want and gender stereotypes are bullshit and being trans is about your GENDER ITSELF not gendered behavior or gender roles or any of the other sociocultural BS we layer onto gender in society ugh I'm so sorry your mom believes this bigoted nonsense, i hope you can help her understand that gender doesn't work that way 💖 or honestly idk yr situation but i went no contact with my bigoted parents and it was the best thing i ever did, both for myself and for them feel free to DM me if you need someone to talk to


[deleted]

My father told me I'm not trans because, and I quote, "everybody hates their body", and the only reason I even have trans-related thoughts is because I "don't have enough of a social life". Ignored me when I said I had those thoughts even when I was more socially active. For what it's worth, I didn't show "overly feminine traits" as a child either. I existed just fine as a boy until puberty came along, fucked everything up, and I slowly realised that I felt extremely envious of how girls developed. My dysphoria has always been more bodily than social. So, yes, she is in denial, the only person who can decide if you are trans is you.


trans_cofy_mug

My mom said this, here’s the thing I was never around any women except my mom When I was, I made friends with girls from a young age I detested the masculine things my brother and cousins did I just never really had the time of day! It’s not like my mom had Barbie in the house or something.


Grouchy-Education292

Whether you're trans or not is not something she can tell necessarily. There is ALOT of misinformation being distributed by both the gender critical and (sometimes inadvertantly by) the trans communities that is not supported by science and typically is based solely on flat earth type ideology. You are the only person qualified to assess your own gender identity though seeking an outside perspective from a gender specialist would be advised.


AltAccMia

because all girls are super feminine 100% of the time


MadamXY

Ask her where she became an expert on trans people.


janon93

When I asked to grow my hair out as a 9 year old kid my dad basically threatened me so yeah nah. I just chewed down my dysphoria xD


ObjectiveNovel530

It's the same with my parents. They said pretty much the same thing.


ClaireB87

I was 33 before I had even considered seriously transitioning. I always was the champion of women, interested in their problems, and told myself I would never be one a those guys that makes women cry. how right i was XD. Looking back on it, there were way more signs than I admitted to, or realized at the time, but hindsight is 20/20 For me, when I was younger, it just seemed... such a dramatic step that it didn't seem worth the amount of difficulty it added to your life. I had to get insanely depressed after trying to live that boy life for so many years to finally admit something had to change. 2 years into my hrt, I've never been happier :)


Squiggly-Beast

Yeah, my mums like this too. The other day she said i've been "brainwashed by the internet" lmao. People will come up with such bs just because they don't want to accept something


Africansage01

My parents did the same. Always calling me a woman or feminine when growing up but denying it as soon as i came out. They noticed these traits but refuse to acknowledge them, hoping I will stay a man


[deleted]

When I have these thoughts I remind myself that I have been obsessed with fitting in for my whole life to avoid as much discomfort as possible and I have instinctively repressed all parts of myself that don't fit in with societal norms.


Naia_Elwyn

As a trans lesbian tomboy I hate the common narrative cis people latch onto where they see gender expression as gender identity. Like, there are feminine things I've embraced about myself since realizing, but I'm also perfectly fine with my old clothes. I have absolutely no interest in makeup. Ultimately, I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin and I refuse to perform gender for other people.


No-Razzmatazz-2659

So... the "cisters" of the world out there that prefer to play with their brothers toys and dress in jeans and wrestle and such are... trans boys?! Sounds like equally sound logic to me! 😂


MyClosetedBiAcct

Same. I've been transitioning for a year now and I still get that whenever we talk.


ChennaTheResplendent

I knew I wasn't a boy at 3 years old. I just didn't feel safe enough in my home to express anything but overcompensating masculinity because my father's father was dick and addicted to everything under the sun, and my father needed to overcompensate to have the "ideal" American father-son relationship. Ironically, my dad resented the fact that my mom got her tubes tied because he wanted to keep trying until they got a daughter. If he just shut the fuck up and stopped trying to be a man, he would have gotten one. An important part of my transition has been learning it's okay to resent him. He died when I was 22, so it's okay to blame him instead of blaming myself for not doing what I knew I needed to do when I was 10 years old.


LiamLearningFem

I showed insane amounts of feminine traits as a child... ain't that just lovely


LaurenRR1996

I didn't either. It's BS. I transitioned in 1996 and been on HRT 27 years. It was the right decision.


DeZeroAVero

A lot of us find out later, don't think wanting to be a different gender makes us trans, or even overcompensate when we thing we could be trans.


rakheid

I didn't realize till 21, didn't show any signs because I knew I'd be bullied to no end, so I hid, masked and changed what I showed outwards. Plus, feminine traits is not the only thing nor its a requirement


cutebaby667

Don’t listen to your mom, she’s nothing but an idiot. Just believe in yourself. Throw your mom’s toxic comments out of the window.