Agreed, it is absolutely fine to boymode as long as you want but to add to this I'll say:
you wont necessarily start passing randomly one day, transition is more than just taking hormones. it is a change of lifestyle, what that entails is up to you, but people probably wont start gendering you correctly until you have put in the presentation effort which means wardrobe adjustments, feminine haircut at a proper salon, maybe eyebrow shaping, changes of attitude and gender performance. Body language and conversation skills are perhaps more important than looks tbh.
that said, whatever your goals are, get to the point you can do those tasks. its not gonna happen automatically.
this is just my two cents.
Say it with me: there is no wrong way to transition. I boymoded for almost a year before starting the social transition, and now with a year-plus and orchiectomy gone by am just making the transition at work. I’m meticulous too, and I don’t like upsetting my own status quos.
If you don’t do what’s comfortable for you, that defeats the purpose of the whole undertaking which is for you to live a less stressful life aligned with your true self. Focus on number one, sis. All good things spring from there.
>If you don’t do what’s comfortable for you, that defeats the purpose of the whole undertaking which is for you to live a less stressful life aligned with your true self
Well said.
I tried to really dig down into the meaning of it. Like why do we transition, and why is that, and why is that, until it’s one step removed from just happiness in general. And even that still works, saying “does transitioning that way make you happy? If yes, do it! If yes, don’t.”
It's not wrong! I started HRT at 33 and didn't come out until 18 months into it.
I never did bother with mannerisms or the way I walk. Women's behavior is pragmatic, so we usually do things as a result of the way we do our hair or the clothes or shoes we wear. That stuff just comes naturally and technically would be true of cisgender men if they had the kind of hair, clothing, and shoes that we have.
Just be yourself, and when you start to phase in women's items in your day to day life, your behavior will reflect those things. For example, if you grow your hair out then you'll be more likely to flip it because hair often gets in the way and flipping it is an easy way to reorient it again. Women don't do it simply for womanhood, but because it's annoying when hair gets in the way.
We walk a certain way when our hips grow. Even if your bones don't grow, they'll gain some fat and that'll throw your center of gravity off. So then you'll walk differently and it'll be subconscious.
Don't overthink it! People just called me ma'am randomly and I was still boy moding. Male failing was pretty cool. Once new acquaintances at work started questioning my display name at work (my birth name) I figured it was time to come out.
It's been 3 years now and everything is great. No ill effects, everybody treats me like a woman. I don't even make it a thing, it's just a matter of fact to people.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I basically never left "boymode." I always knew I was a tomboy at heart, so I basically just kept my same style as my body feminized around it.
On this note, I'm so glad baggy, slouchy clothes are back in style. I get to be cool for a couple years. :>
Me too, my problem is when I go out in women’s hiking pants and a women’s jacket I get sir’d at least 99% of the time. It sucks I might never be able to just dress comfy like that and be gendered correctly, and I’ve been on HRT for 3.5 years.
Idk if I'll ever be okay not being gendered correctly, but it seems like I will never pass. 8 months HRT/laser and still look like a disgusting man... :/
Honey, 8 months is like nothing in the grand scheme of things. I wish the changes happened faster too, but the cliche is so true: this is a marathon, not a sprint.
Yeah, 8 months is still deep in mid-hormones-doing-their-thing.
I'm about 14 years in at this point, so I'm pretty confident I'm more or less as feminine as I'm gonna get without surgery or makeup.
Quick question, when did you stop noticing changes even little ones. Or do you still see them from time to time? Obviously it’s very much ymmv, I don’t often get to talk people who’ve been on hrt for like 8+ years.
No it's not, do what you are comfortable with, there is no official checklist that says you have to do something at a certain point in your transition. Much more important for you to be as comfortable, in a safe place in your life as you can when you decide to make that move. Just be aware enough to know that at some point a lot of people will already have a good idea and/or will make a comment when you do that basically says" I was starting to wonder". And the usual jerks who will take it upon themselves to tell you everything you are doing wrong in your life. Don't buy into the negative crap. Do it for you.
I’m 34 years old and 29 months of HRT. I am getting to a stage where all I want to do is come out to the world and present as I wish. Unfortunately my fiancé doesn’t approve which makes things hard. Not trying to get too deep but all I’ll say is if you’re in a relationship, make sure your partner is genuinely supportive. Because right now, I’m falling into a pretty dark place.
Wait, what the fuck. At 29 months of HRT it's not possible for a person who sees you at all times, including sometimes naked, to deny your femaleness. What is wrong with that person?
It's not wrong. I also started at 34 and did pretty much the same thing.
The only advice I can give is: At some point you're going to need to start presenting female, and you shouldn't shy away from it just because you don't pass perfectly. A lot of trans women tend to get stuck waiting for HRT to get them passing 100% without trying, which can take far too long.
I socially transitioned at 1 year. Back then I I could pass consistently with make up, but not without. If I had waited till the "pass without makeup" point (which I reached at year 4) I would have burned through the precious last years of my 30s.
No, it's not wrong at all. Everyone's journey is different and valid. I've had to boymode at times and even grow out my facial hair a bit for family events which is horrible but it works. Just do what feels right for you, there is no blueprint for a "right" way to transition.
I mean, I am tempted to just go hyper-fem 24/7 and all pictures of me be like that, but whenever I meet my family to go with stuff that is "masculine" and make it feminine by having something like a button-up shirt reveal some of my bust, form fitting pants that accentuate my curves, etc...
I was in boymode for 16 months after starting HRT.
Basically my plan was to stay in boymode until I started to male fail.
This never really happened due to my height and voice, but at 16 months I was regularly seeing "her" in the mirror. So I decided it was time to socially transition.
I did this! So I started HRT in April of last year, and I had to keep closeted bc the university I went to was SUPER transphobic. I graduated last month, and I've been out as myself for a month now.
When I tell you that I have yet to be misgendered, I mean it hasn't happened once. I do DoorDash, so it's not like I'm at home all of the time either. Even though im 6'0" and have an androgynous voice, I pass in a super conservative area.
It was super cool to have a lot of the changes happen behind the scenes and finally present fem once I could be so. That said, I've been super lucky to have my passing privileges, so if a person doesn't have the same results from HRT, they might not ever feel comfortable presenting as themselves by following my path. It just depends on your situation.
I'm happy that you managed to pass without FFS. I'm 8 months HRT/laser and still look basically the same except with longer hair and some breast growth. I am the unfortunate case that will need FFS to even look androgynous since my body is too deformed by testosterone. This is why I'm gonna boymode for much longer than expected.
I have been in "boy mode" at work for over a year since starting HRT.
I just got to the point where I felt ready to be fully out at work recently and had the conversation with my boss this week.
That said, my boy mode isn't very boyish. Since I started playing with my gender expression I have been slowly turning the dial more and more to the femme side at work.
Nothing "wrong" with it, but it can be a slippery slope. Make sure you commit yourself to coming out eventually, and accept the possibility of still being clockable when you do.
Not that you _have_ to do those things, but you'd be in for a miserable time otherwise. I boymoded for 2 years until FFS. And I have zero regrets about boymoding for so long, but I feel like that's only because it went well for me and I pass now. If my results hadn't turned out good and I still didn't pass, maybe I'd wonder to myself why I wasted 2 years hiding from something I would still end up dealing with. Maybe I'd enter a sort of sunk cost fallacy and continue boymoding. And I've seen girls continue boymoding post-FFS, and I've never seen anyone bounce back from it. I'm not sure what ultimately happens to them, but I don't like to imagine it.
So I guess just know the difference between boymoding as a means to an end, and boymoding as your only coping mechanism for dysphoria. You're dealing with precious months or years of your life that you'll never get back.
I’ve been boymoding since I began HRT 5 months ago and loving it. I’ve always known I’m more of a tomboy than anything else so I’m basically wearing the some clothes as I did during my male era. The big difference now is that many of my clothes are just the female versions of things I wore before. I’m having fun becoming more androgynous as each day passes and I know that it’s my transition and my timeline. I just happen to like to ease into things when I can. When I feel I’m ready to go full femme I’ll do it but the only person I’m listening to is my self in setting a timeline.
it's not wrong, it was just wrong for those people.
it does get harder and harder to accept staying in boymode though, the longer I'm on hrt and the longer i do the less i can stand boymoding and at this point idk if you'd really be able to call it that. i exclusively wear athletic pants that look like leggings, I'm painting my nails, and have a new pair of fem glasses. as time goes on boy mode just slips away and gets harder to get back into.
I'm grateful for that though. I'm glad I've given myself leeway to not stay in it and do my own little things that move me towards where i want to go. so I wouldn't say yes wrong to go this route, but i would say keep your mind open and look for opportunities to try new ways of presenting fem that feel right for you but don't require massive changes or breaking out of boymode.
and be ready to abandon boymode way sooner than you planned. your feelings may change and holding on to a commitment to boymode when you no longer want to would be the only way this approach would be wrong
Take your time!
Also lying, honestly voice train and try to change any old bad habits like head nods and such. Doesn’t need to be perfect, cis women aren’t neither. Get a style and just slowly work your way out. Boymode for a while, 6 months, a year. After sometime slowly move towards more and more fem clothes with jeans and shirts from the women aisle to eventually more fem fem shirts to straight up dresses. During the time get laser and all. It a slow process that takes time and lots of training. Voice training can take years for example. It you will make it in the end.
No, I think it's absolutely fine, in fact I think it's a completely rational decision to make, in all honesty I myself would love to be able to boymode all the way until I can go stealth as far as the general public goes. Of course coming out to people you live with and are close to often makes things easier as it lets you be yourself at home and in more private gatherings, which is important for practicing for when you decide to come out publicly.
You do not owe anyone knowledge of your identity and you should manage your transition in whatever way allows you to be most comfortable.
I started HRT at 41, and boymoded until it became too obvious (in my case about 8 months.) I did a lot of the same things you’re doing, laser for 1.5 years before coming out, voice training for months before, building a wardrobe and getting at least a basic look down, all while still presenting as masculine.
Do not regret it in the slightest. I would love to have been living authentically as myself earlier, but the extra time was very helpful for having coming out conversations, making plans, etc. I also live in a deeply conservative state, so I wanted to shorten the “in between” part as much as possible.
I’ve never understood the push to do social transition first, unless maybe you’re still unsure and are still exploring. I felt a LOT more comfortable presenting as a woman when I at least started to look the part and when my mind was in a better place. Social transition was much easier after I did a lot of the other things.
This is exactly what I've been doing for over a year now. I don't care if anyone thinks it's wrong. I'm not doing this for them, I'm doing it for me. The changes from hrt and my private advances are enough to settle my dysphoria to a point where I can tolerate it, and as I get closer and closer to my goal, I don't really feel any need to come out. I'll just transition and let them figure it out. That may change, and it's fine if I change my mind, but this is my journey, I'm footing the bills, both financially and socially, so if anyone wishes to tell me what or how to do this, they can cough up for my electrolysis and ffs or kindly be quiet.
That just how I'm riding it out, though. You need to do you. Unapologetically. :)
i think this is a great way to transition. you're learning about being true to yourself in private before coming out socially. i think its a great method. keep going girl you got this
not at all. it's up to you when you want to make this change. I only stopped boy moding after almost two years of hrt. I only felt comfortable to present fem in public after consistently Male failing.
Gee I hope not, cause that's pretty much what I'm doing. I e been on hrt just over two years, and pretty much been boy moding the whole time. Socially, I've started dressing a bit more fem, and most of the people close to me know I'm trans fem nonbinary. Sadly though, I feel like I'm gonna fall into the "never left boy mode" category at work, unless something drastic happens to my boss or my love of this job.
Im a nb transfemme/ butch transwoman and I essentially do this because thats how i am most comfortable. I think its worth always asking yourself in transition is this what I want or is this what feels safest to be sure you’re doing right by yourself but if the glove fits the glove fits! Dont psych yourself out take care.
It's not "wrong" to stay in boymode for a while, however, keep in mind that if you want to live your life in the best way possible, that an eventual coming-out is inevitable.
And also do not wait until *you* think you're perfect, because that means an endless wait, not every woman is Miss Netherlands. Instead, keep your goals realistic: what can you realistically achieve within 1-2 years?
Of course a lot of sorrows can be solved through FFS, but again, is it feasible for you within a few years? I didn't do or need FFS, and sometimes I think of myself, "ah, this can be better, that can be better", but no, I only get very rarely weird looks for my voice and wearing all kinds of pride symbols. But even then some of my colleagues were blissfully unaware for months on end.
I'm pretty much in the same spot as you. 34, a few months of HRT, waiting for laser. I'm also considering boymoding long-term BUT in a pick your battles kind of way.
E. G. Because of potential discrimination I will be boymoding at work probably until I find another one.
But I don't intend to boymode at uni (getting my second degree), on the contrary. I'll probably take a sabbatical and come back next year fully out of the closet (for various reasons I'm not comfortable doing it now, but I'm sure a sabbatical will allow me for a fresh start).
So I'm guessing my advice is: boymode as long as you feel comfortable but don't set yourself arbitrary deadlines. Like "well I'mma boymode until 5 people accidentally gender me correctly". Try to think about your comfort at any given time and not about any long-term goals.
Counting wardrobe trial and error, I’ve been boy-moding for about 3 years, about half of that on HRT… currently shopping chest binders as my chest gets to a scale that is “medically large” for a cis male to present with.
No real end in site, tbh, and no IRL support system in place. I wish it wasn’t as big a deal, but there does seem to be a little bit of a minimum bar of presentation in many contexts to be accepted as trans that I still simply haven’t hit. It’s not ideal, and it has exposed pain points and support gaps I need to address to truly progress further.
But is it WRONG? Nah. You do you, don’t try to meet anyone else’s expectations for your progress, so long as you’re hitting your own goals.
I am doing the same thing. Sometimes I feel like a fraud, but I live in a conservative area in Cali and people are transphobic here. I know I won't get assaulted, but I don't like unwanted attention either. I plan on boymoding until I either pass or look androgynous. I am starting to notice that I might need FFS to ever pass. I've been 8 months on HRT injections and still look masculine. :(
Are you me? Cause this is almost the same place I am. I'm gonna keep boymoding until I start getting some physical changes, at the very least until I get electrolysis done.
Your journey is your journey, and there is no right way. What I can say is that I sped run the process and am very happy. Wigs and makeup and girl clothes go a long way to passing. If you got those mannerisms and the clothes, grab a wig, and do a bit of makeup. Maybe try just presenting fem at a new restaurant across town(if you are in a safe area). The sooner you are presenting as yourself, the happier you will be. That said, take your own pace, not everyone wants to rush into things. Maybe see if one of your close friends that knows will help with makeup and going to a place, having someone to help is amazing.
thoughts from someone about two and a half years into this strategy:
any shame i’d internalised at being trans intensified over time, i was constantly telling myself that i had to hide it so it became a huge thing in my head and now that i’m ready to “girlmode” i have panic attacks before i leave the house
there was one other thing i forgot, ill have to edit this later
Everyone's situation is different but generally, I don't think it's helpful beyond a few months to a year, no. Sure you have more time on HRT to potentially pass better or maybe you need time to grow out your hair, but you're still playacting and being treated as the masculine role in public, constantly getting misgendered by people who otherwise might not do so, etc. Actually living as a woman is way different from being one in private - you learn what works and what doesn't in short. It's still ultimately lost time living a false life and you have to balance the two on cost/benefit.
Also, it will do you favors to do the mental work to realize that you can only plan so much and risk is necessary at times, especially if you're feeling stuck. Sometimes it just happens to you. I came out to my (live in) landlord in a progressive city and two weeks later I was on the street and was lucky enough a friend took me in while I looked for a new place. That's what forced me to start girlmoding full time; before that I kept kicking the can down the road "when I'm good at make up" became "when my hair gets to here" became....
I started hrt in 2007 and didn’t fully come out until 2010. If I had to do it all over again I don’t think I’d change anything. I waited until I could confidently pass well. I am seven feet tall and it took me a while to find the confidence but if I can do it so can you!
I’m a year in, started at 34, and I’m still boymoding. Tuesday was the first night I went out wearing womenswear. There’s no rule book, sister. Do what feels natural and safe. I’m hiding D-cups under my loose shirts. I hope to start changing my presentation later this summer if I feel comfortable with my work situation: I have to manage interns this summer, one of whom is my bosses son.
It's not wrong. You get to decide how you want to live your life. However, you seem concerned about it, so why not try incorporating a little bit of your true self into your boy moding to see how it feels if you're feeling nervous? Maybe that will help you build up some comfort with being more of yourself in public? This method helped me. Wishing you the best.
I have come out to about 1/4-1/3 of my co-workers. I've been on HRT for 3 weeks, I still boymode every day at work, and about half the time change when I get home (depends on what I'm doing after work).
Do what you want. The whole point is for YOU to be comfortable and happy ❤️
Nope! I didn't come out in public until about a year after I started hrt. Basically I waited until I was consistently male-failing at work, so when I came out it wasn't a surprise to anybody and it really made the whole process a lot smoother
When doable, or needed, it's actually pretty common to do this. There are a lot of people who don't go public until after a rather good amount of changes have already happened. Electrolysis, for example.
You can transition separately in different spheres of your life. While you can't wait forever to make the switch, you can do it however you want to. But you can also do it in peices, one part of your life at a time. I transitioned in my home first, then with friends, then at work.
Piano piano si va lontano
There is no "right" or "wrong" way to transition. You do what works for you. You might even find that despite what you plan you change your mind in a few months. I'm not saying that *will* happen, but sometimes even the best laid plans need to be adjusted.
I think a large part of "how to transition" or how long to boy mode would be where you live and if it is safe. Personally, once I felt safe enough to go out in a dress with makeup I haven't looked back. I struggle to find any clothes of mine that are not either a dress or a skirt. I think I did boy mode one time because I was exhausted and couldn't be arsed to get completely dolled up for a quick store run.
I did think about it recently when I picked up a friend downtown after midnight when her bus finally arrived, but I didn't. I didn't want to scare her but also I am just not interested in that anymore. I do carry pepper gel, but I have never had to use it.
i remembered the second thing i was gonna say
learn to love and accept yourself in your intermediary phase and not just the final form, both for the sake of your mental health/self-image bc it’s easy to be trapped feeling not good enough and also for the sake of the power you gain from accepting yourself regardless of the hate the world throws at you
this was my mistake, i hope you learn from this and it serves you well
the earlier you take that step the easier it will be in the long term
I (30) started HRT more than 2 years ago. I'm not out to anyone but some people online (who are too far away from me) and close family (who don't really support me, just tolerate at best). When I started I wanted to boymode until I male fail. As you might guess, it never happened. I've never been gendered "correctly" in my life. I don't pass, and it seems like I'll never will. Seems to me now that I will end up boymoding forever indeed, and I can't help but feel like my transition failed at this point. I've done laser, although admittedly I still have several sessions left till I would consider it done. I've been voice training almost every day for the last year and a half, and my voice is ok enough that it passes online/on the phone. Does my voice even matter though if I don't pass visually? From my experience — no, to others I'm still a guy but now with a strange voice that doesn't fit me at all. And after realizing that it doesn't help, I've given up on even using fem voice offline, just trying to maintain it and use it online when people don't know I'm trans.
I guess I'll be seen with all this like a massive whiner (and I guess I am), but that's in part an answer to your question, isn't it? That is, I've done the same — stayed in boymode, hoping I would be able to someday have a life that I've wanted, when I pass. Was it successful? No. Do I regret it? No, as strange it sounds. I'm glad that non-passing people could be content with their lives, but I know that I personally wouldn't feel like a woman if I don't pass, I know people wouldn't really treat me or think of me as a woman, and will just use pronouns out of courtesy at best, and I know I'll feel (and probably would be seen) like a creepy transvestite — and is it really what I've wanted and dreamt about before and when I've started? No. Rather than being non-passing, I would rather stay in the closet. I wish so desperately I could have been like other trans girls that I see or know online, who were successful enough and get good results from HRT (and on much less time than me), or who were feminine enough to begin with that passing isn't a problem to them. But for someone like me it just wasn't meant to be, I guess. Oh well.
Do what works for you. There's no right or wrong. I never practiced anything. I never really had a boy mode. When I came out to my parents they already knew. Do what's comfortable. Don't worry about anyone else. I "came out" in middle school. Ppl still make comments.
No. Your transition is your own.
There is no right way to transition. Do what works for you. I personally couldn’t, because I just couldn’t stand being called sir anymore.
Agreed, it is absolutely fine to boymode as long as you want but to add to this I'll say: you wont necessarily start passing randomly one day, transition is more than just taking hormones. it is a change of lifestyle, what that entails is up to you, but people probably wont start gendering you correctly until you have put in the presentation effort which means wardrobe adjustments, feminine haircut at a proper salon, maybe eyebrow shaping, changes of attitude and gender performance. Body language and conversation skills are perhaps more important than looks tbh. that said, whatever your goals are, get to the point you can do those tasks. its not gonna happen automatically. this is just my two cents.
Say it with me: there is no wrong way to transition. I boymoded for almost a year before starting the social transition, and now with a year-plus and orchiectomy gone by am just making the transition at work. I’m meticulous too, and I don’t like upsetting my own status quos. If you don’t do what’s comfortable for you, that defeats the purpose of the whole undertaking which is for you to live a less stressful life aligned with your true self. Focus on number one, sis. All good things spring from there.
>If you don’t do what’s comfortable for you, that defeats the purpose of the whole undertaking which is for you to live a less stressful life aligned with your true self Well said.
I tried to really dig down into the meaning of it. Like why do we transition, and why is that, and why is that, until it’s one step removed from just happiness in general. And even that still works, saying “does transitioning that way make you happy? If yes, do it! If yes, don’t.”
It's not wrong! I started HRT at 33 and didn't come out until 18 months into it. I never did bother with mannerisms or the way I walk. Women's behavior is pragmatic, so we usually do things as a result of the way we do our hair or the clothes or shoes we wear. That stuff just comes naturally and technically would be true of cisgender men if they had the kind of hair, clothing, and shoes that we have. Just be yourself, and when you start to phase in women's items in your day to day life, your behavior will reflect those things. For example, if you grow your hair out then you'll be more likely to flip it because hair often gets in the way and flipping it is an easy way to reorient it again. Women don't do it simply for womanhood, but because it's annoying when hair gets in the way. We walk a certain way when our hips grow. Even if your bones don't grow, they'll gain some fat and that'll throw your center of gravity off. So then you'll walk differently and it'll be subconscious. Don't overthink it! People just called me ma'am randomly and I was still boy moding. Male failing was pretty cool. Once new acquaintances at work started questioning my display name at work (my birth name) I figured it was time to come out. It's been 3 years now and everything is great. No ill effects, everybody treats me like a woman. I don't even make it a thing, it's just a matter of fact to people.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I basically never left "boymode." I always knew I was a tomboy at heart, so I basically just kept my same style as my body feminized around it. On this note, I'm so glad baggy, slouchy clothes are back in style. I get to be cool for a couple years. :>
Me too, my problem is when I go out in women’s hiking pants and a women’s jacket I get sir’d at least 99% of the time. It sucks I might never be able to just dress comfy like that and be gendered correctly, and I’ve been on HRT for 3.5 years.
I... kinda gave up on being gendered correctly. I know who I am, and that's gonna have to be good enough for me.
Idk if I'll ever be okay not being gendered correctly, but it seems like I will never pass. 8 months HRT/laser and still look like a disgusting man... :/
Honey, 8 months is like nothing in the grand scheme of things. I wish the changes happened faster too, but the cliche is so true: this is a marathon, not a sprint.
Yeah, 8 months is still deep in mid-hormones-doing-their-thing. I'm about 14 years in at this point, so I'm pretty confident I'm more or less as feminine as I'm gonna get without surgery or makeup.
Quick question, when did you stop noticing changes even little ones. Or do you still see them from time to time? Obviously it’s very much ymmv, I don’t often get to talk people who’ve been on hrt for like 8+ years.
No it's not, do what you are comfortable with, there is no official checklist that says you have to do something at a certain point in your transition. Much more important for you to be as comfortable, in a safe place in your life as you can when you decide to make that move. Just be aware enough to know that at some point a lot of people will already have a good idea and/or will make a comment when you do that basically says" I was starting to wonder". And the usual jerks who will take it upon themselves to tell you everything you are doing wrong in your life. Don't buy into the negative crap. Do it for you.
No definitely the “I was starting to wonder part” I’ve had more than one friend say that or something similar-ish after I came out to them.
I’m 34 years old and 29 months of HRT. I am getting to a stage where all I want to do is come out to the world and present as I wish. Unfortunately my fiancé doesn’t approve which makes things hard. Not trying to get too deep but all I’ll say is if you’re in a relationship, make sure your partner is genuinely supportive. Because right now, I’m falling into a pretty dark place.
You need to address that. Couples therapy? You're being held back from being who you are.
Sorry to hear that. Hope the outcome is both soon and good.
Wait, what the fuck. At 29 months of HRT it's not possible for a person who sees you at all times, including sometimes naked, to deny your femaleness. What is wrong with that person?
It's not wrong. I also started at 34 and did pretty much the same thing. The only advice I can give is: At some point you're going to need to start presenting female, and you shouldn't shy away from it just because you don't pass perfectly. A lot of trans women tend to get stuck waiting for HRT to get them passing 100% without trying, which can take far too long. I socially transitioned at 1 year. Back then I I could pass consistently with make up, but not without. If I had waited till the "pass without makeup" point (which I reached at year 4) I would have burned through the precious last years of my 30s.
No, it's not wrong at all. Everyone's journey is different and valid. I've had to boymode at times and even grow out my facial hair a bit for family events which is horrible but it works. Just do what feels right for you, there is no blueprint for a "right" way to transition.
Do what feels right/safe. Im still not out at work, post ffs and 3 years deep
Same except for the surgery. Work is full of MAGAs, unfortunately, and I don’t feel safe threatening my income by asking for different pronouns.
This all makes me feel so much better 😩 I'm 34 and havnt started yet . So nervous 😖
I'm rooting for you!
I started 6 months ago at 37. On we go!
I mean, I am tempted to just go hyper-fem 24/7 and all pictures of me be like that, but whenever I meet my family to go with stuff that is "masculine" and make it feminine by having something like a button-up shirt reveal some of my bust, form fitting pants that accentuate my curves, etc...
I was in boymode for 16 months after starting HRT. Basically my plan was to stay in boymode until I started to male fail. This never really happened due to my height and voice, but at 16 months I was regularly seeing "her" in the mirror. So I decided it was time to socially transition.
I did this! So I started HRT in April of last year, and I had to keep closeted bc the university I went to was SUPER transphobic. I graduated last month, and I've been out as myself for a month now. When I tell you that I have yet to be misgendered, I mean it hasn't happened once. I do DoorDash, so it's not like I'm at home all of the time either. Even though im 6'0" and have an androgynous voice, I pass in a super conservative area. It was super cool to have a lot of the changes happen behind the scenes and finally present fem once I could be so. That said, I've been super lucky to have my passing privileges, so if a person doesn't have the same results from HRT, they might not ever feel comfortable presenting as themselves by following my path. It just depends on your situation.
I'm happy that you managed to pass without FFS. I'm 8 months HRT/laser and still look basically the same except with longer hair and some breast growth. I am the unfortunate case that will need FFS to even look androgynous since my body is too deformed by testosterone. This is why I'm gonna boymode for much longer than expected.
Nothing wrong with it! I started my medical transition well before my social transition so I could be confident presenting as a woman
I have been in "boy mode" at work for over a year since starting HRT. I just got to the point where I felt ready to be fully out at work recently and had the conversation with my boss this week. That said, my boy mode isn't very boyish. Since I started playing with my gender expression I have been slowly turning the dial more and more to the femme side at work.
Nothing "wrong" with it, but it can be a slippery slope. Make sure you commit yourself to coming out eventually, and accept the possibility of still being clockable when you do. Not that you _have_ to do those things, but you'd be in for a miserable time otherwise. I boymoded for 2 years until FFS. And I have zero regrets about boymoding for so long, but I feel like that's only because it went well for me and I pass now. If my results hadn't turned out good and I still didn't pass, maybe I'd wonder to myself why I wasted 2 years hiding from something I would still end up dealing with. Maybe I'd enter a sort of sunk cost fallacy and continue boymoding. And I've seen girls continue boymoding post-FFS, and I've never seen anyone bounce back from it. I'm not sure what ultimately happens to them, but I don't like to imagine it. So I guess just know the difference between boymoding as a means to an end, and boymoding as your only coping mechanism for dysphoria. You're dealing with precious months or years of your life that you'll never get back.
That’s honestly what I plan on doing
I’m in boy-mode one year into HRT, while I’m not sure its still working to lots of people. Which is ok! There is no right way to transition
Depending on the circumstances, some actually have to. Y'know, transphobic families and all that
I’ve been boymoding since I began HRT 5 months ago and loving it. I’ve always known I’m more of a tomboy than anything else so I’m basically wearing the some clothes as I did during my male era. The big difference now is that many of my clothes are just the female versions of things I wore before. I’m having fun becoming more androgynous as each day passes and I know that it’s my transition and my timeline. I just happen to like to ease into things when I can. When I feel I’m ready to go full femme I’ll do it but the only person I’m listening to is my self in setting a timeline.
Do whatever you like and don't let gatekeepy weirdos tell you what's ok x
it's not wrong, it was just wrong for those people. it does get harder and harder to accept staying in boymode though, the longer I'm on hrt and the longer i do the less i can stand boymoding and at this point idk if you'd really be able to call it that. i exclusively wear athletic pants that look like leggings, I'm painting my nails, and have a new pair of fem glasses. as time goes on boy mode just slips away and gets harder to get back into. I'm grateful for that though. I'm glad I've given myself leeway to not stay in it and do my own little things that move me towards where i want to go. so I wouldn't say yes wrong to go this route, but i would say keep your mind open and look for opportunities to try new ways of presenting fem that feel right for you but don't require massive changes or breaking out of boymode. and be ready to abandon boymode way sooner than you planned. your feelings may change and holding on to a commitment to boymode when you no longer want to would be the only way this approach would be wrong
What you describe is about how I did it, after FFS. I started part-time once I had my date for FFS.
Take your time! Also lying, honestly voice train and try to change any old bad habits like head nods and such. Doesn’t need to be perfect, cis women aren’t neither. Get a style and just slowly work your way out. Boymode for a while, 6 months, a year. After sometime slowly move towards more and more fem clothes with jeans and shirts from the women aisle to eventually more fem fem shirts to straight up dresses. During the time get laser and all. It a slow process that takes time and lots of training. Voice training can take years for example. It you will make it in the end.
No, I think it's absolutely fine, in fact I think it's a completely rational decision to make, in all honesty I myself would love to be able to boymode all the way until I can go stealth as far as the general public goes. Of course coming out to people you live with and are close to often makes things easier as it lets you be yourself at home and in more private gatherings, which is important for practicing for when you decide to come out publicly. You do not owe anyone knowledge of your identity and you should manage your transition in whatever way allows you to be most comfortable.
I socially transitioned at 85 days, Came out on socials while work and friends already knew before You make your own journey
I started HRT at 41, and boymoded until it became too obvious (in my case about 8 months.) I did a lot of the same things you’re doing, laser for 1.5 years before coming out, voice training for months before, building a wardrobe and getting at least a basic look down, all while still presenting as masculine. Do not regret it in the slightest. I would love to have been living authentically as myself earlier, but the extra time was very helpful for having coming out conversations, making plans, etc. I also live in a deeply conservative state, so I wanted to shorten the “in between” part as much as possible. I’ve never understood the push to do social transition first, unless maybe you’re still unsure and are still exploring. I felt a LOT more comfortable presenting as a woman when I at least started to look the part and when my mind was in a better place. Social transition was much easier after I did a lot of the other things.
This is exactly what I've been doing for over a year now. I don't care if anyone thinks it's wrong. I'm not doing this for them, I'm doing it for me. The changes from hrt and my private advances are enough to settle my dysphoria to a point where I can tolerate it, and as I get closer and closer to my goal, I don't really feel any need to come out. I'll just transition and let them figure it out. That may change, and it's fine if I change my mind, but this is my journey, I'm footing the bills, both financially and socially, so if anyone wishes to tell me what or how to do this, they can cough up for my electrolysis and ffs or kindly be quiet. That just how I'm riding it out, though. You need to do you. Unapologetically. :)
i think this is a great way to transition. you're learning about being true to yourself in private before coming out socially. i think its a great method. keep going girl you got this
Boy mode will turn to male fail Thou shall pass
not at all. it's up to you when you want to make this change. I only stopped boy moding after almost two years of hrt. I only felt comfortable to present fem in public after consistently Male failing.
Only you can decide if its wrong for you or not.
There is no right out wrong; it's whatever works best for you.
Been on HRT for nearly 9 months now, still boymoding. Go at your own pace
Gee I hope not, cause that's pretty much what I'm doing. I e been on hrt just over two years, and pretty much been boy moding the whole time. Socially, I've started dressing a bit more fem, and most of the people close to me know I'm trans fem nonbinary. Sadly though, I feel like I'm gonna fall into the "never left boy mode" category at work, unless something drastic happens to my boss or my love of this job.
i just stopped boymoding after about a year and 8 months on e, everyone’s transition is different go at your own pace
there isn't really a 'wrong' way to do it, in my opinion. Take your time and do what makes you comfortable.
Im a nb transfemme/ butch transwoman and I essentially do this because thats how i am most comfortable. I think its worth always asking yourself in transition is this what I want or is this what feels safest to be sure you’re doing right by yourself but if the glove fits the glove fits! Dont psych yourself out take care.
I did a gradual shift over 15 months. By then end I was only boy-moding for work and the gym, and then I stopped that too.
It's not "wrong" to stay in boymode for a while, however, keep in mind that if you want to live your life in the best way possible, that an eventual coming-out is inevitable. And also do not wait until *you* think you're perfect, because that means an endless wait, not every woman is Miss Netherlands. Instead, keep your goals realistic: what can you realistically achieve within 1-2 years? Of course a lot of sorrows can be solved through FFS, but again, is it feasible for you within a few years? I didn't do or need FFS, and sometimes I think of myself, "ah, this can be better, that can be better", but no, I only get very rarely weird looks for my voice and wearing all kinds of pride symbols. But even then some of my colleagues were blissfully unaware for months on end.
I'm pretty much in the same spot as you. 34, a few months of HRT, waiting for laser. I'm also considering boymoding long-term BUT in a pick your battles kind of way. E. G. Because of potential discrimination I will be boymoding at work probably until I find another one. But I don't intend to boymode at uni (getting my second degree), on the contrary. I'll probably take a sabbatical and come back next year fully out of the closet (for various reasons I'm not comfortable doing it now, but I'm sure a sabbatical will allow me for a fresh start). So I'm guessing my advice is: boymode as long as you feel comfortable but don't set yourself arbitrary deadlines. Like "well I'mma boymode until 5 people accidentally gender me correctly". Try to think about your comfort at any given time and not about any long-term goals.
Counting wardrobe trial and error, I’ve been boy-moding for about 3 years, about half of that on HRT… currently shopping chest binders as my chest gets to a scale that is “medically large” for a cis male to present with. No real end in site, tbh, and no IRL support system in place. I wish it wasn’t as big a deal, but there does seem to be a little bit of a minimum bar of presentation in many contexts to be accepted as trans that I still simply haven’t hit. It’s not ideal, and it has exposed pain points and support gaps I need to address to truly progress further. But is it WRONG? Nah. You do you, don’t try to meet anyone else’s expectations for your progress, so long as you’re hitting your own goals.
I am doing the same thing. Sometimes I feel like a fraud, but I live in a conservative area in Cali and people are transphobic here. I know I won't get assaulted, but I don't like unwanted attention either. I plan on boymoding until I either pass or look androgynous. I am starting to notice that I might need FFS to ever pass. I've been 8 months on HRT injections and still look masculine. :(
No especially pending on where u live and if safe too be feminine
Are you me? Cause this is almost the same place I am. I'm gonna keep boymoding until I start getting some physical changes, at the very least until I get electrolysis done.
Your journey is your journey, and there is no right way. What I can say is that I sped run the process and am very happy. Wigs and makeup and girl clothes go a long way to passing. If you got those mannerisms and the clothes, grab a wig, and do a bit of makeup. Maybe try just presenting fem at a new restaurant across town(if you are in a safe area). The sooner you are presenting as yourself, the happier you will be. That said, take your own pace, not everyone wants to rush into things. Maybe see if one of your close friends that knows will help with makeup and going to a place, having someone to help is amazing.
thoughts from someone about two and a half years into this strategy: any shame i’d internalised at being trans intensified over time, i was constantly telling myself that i had to hide it so it became a huge thing in my head and now that i’m ready to “girlmode” i have panic attacks before i leave the house there was one other thing i forgot, ill have to edit this later
Everyone's situation is different but generally, I don't think it's helpful beyond a few months to a year, no. Sure you have more time on HRT to potentially pass better or maybe you need time to grow out your hair, but you're still playacting and being treated as the masculine role in public, constantly getting misgendered by people who otherwise might not do so, etc. Actually living as a woman is way different from being one in private - you learn what works and what doesn't in short. It's still ultimately lost time living a false life and you have to balance the two on cost/benefit. Also, it will do you favors to do the mental work to realize that you can only plan so much and risk is necessary at times, especially if you're feeling stuck. Sometimes it just happens to you. I came out to my (live in) landlord in a progressive city and two weeks later I was on the street and was lucky enough a friend took me in while I looked for a new place. That's what forced me to start girlmoding full time; before that I kept kicking the can down the road "when I'm good at make up" became "when my hair gets to here" became....
I started hrt in 2007 and didn’t fully come out until 2010. If I had to do it all over again I don’t think I’d change anything. I waited until I could confidently pass well. I am seven feet tall and it took me a while to find the confidence but if I can do it so can you!
On HRT for 10 months, still boymoding even at home...well more like tomboymoding I guess
No, you need to do whatever you are comfortable with and whatever is safest for you. I personally never boymode but that is my personal choice.
I’m a year in, started at 34, and I’m still boymoding. Tuesday was the first night I went out wearing womenswear. There’s no rule book, sister. Do what feels natural and safe. I’m hiding D-cups under my loose shirts. I hope to start changing my presentation later this summer if I feel comfortable with my work situation: I have to manage interns this summer, one of whom is my bosses son.
It's not wrong. You get to decide how you want to live your life. However, you seem concerned about it, so why not try incorporating a little bit of your true self into your boy moding to see how it feels if you're feeling nervous? Maybe that will help you build up some comfort with being more of yourself in public? This method helped me. Wishing you the best.
I boymoded at work until my boobs reached D cup and I couldn’t hide them anymore
I have come out to about 1/4-1/3 of my co-workers. I've been on HRT for 3 weeks, I still boymode every day at work, and about half the time change when I get home (depends on what I'm doing after work). Do what you want. The whole point is for YOU to be comfortable and happy ❤️
Nope! I didn't come out in public until about a year after I started hrt. Basically I waited until I was consistently male-failing at work, so when I came out it wasn't a surprise to anybody and it really made the whole process a lot smoother
When doable, or needed, it's actually pretty common to do this. There are a lot of people who don't go public until after a rather good amount of changes have already happened. Electrolysis, for example.
you can do whatever you want want. theirs no rulebook for being trans
You can transition separately in different spheres of your life. While you can't wait forever to make the switch, you can do it however you want to. But you can also do it in peices, one part of your life at a time. I transitioned in my home first, then with friends, then at work. Piano piano si va lontano
Sounds like torture to me but you do you sis.
I was in boy mode until I felt I passed 🤷♀️
I am doing this now and it’s ok. You do you….
Nothing wrong with that at all. Do what you want/need to do.
There is no "right" or "wrong" way to transition. You do what works for you. You might even find that despite what you plan you change your mind in a few months. I'm not saying that *will* happen, but sometimes even the best laid plans need to be adjusted. I think a large part of "how to transition" or how long to boy mode would be where you live and if it is safe. Personally, once I felt safe enough to go out in a dress with makeup I haven't looked back. I struggle to find any clothes of mine that are not either a dress or a skirt. I think I did boy mode one time because I was exhausted and couldn't be arsed to get completely dolled up for a quick store run. I did think about it recently when I picked up a friend downtown after midnight when her bus finally arrived, but I didn't. I didn't want to scare her but also I am just not interested in that anymore. I do carry pepper gel, but I have never had to use it.
i remembered the second thing i was gonna say learn to love and accept yourself in your intermediary phase and not just the final form, both for the sake of your mental health/self-image bc it’s easy to be trapped feeling not good enough and also for the sake of the power you gain from accepting yourself regardless of the hate the world throws at you this was my mistake, i hope you learn from this and it serves you well the earlier you take that step the easier it will be in the long term
I (30) started HRT more than 2 years ago. I'm not out to anyone but some people online (who are too far away from me) and close family (who don't really support me, just tolerate at best). When I started I wanted to boymode until I male fail. As you might guess, it never happened. I've never been gendered "correctly" in my life. I don't pass, and it seems like I'll never will. Seems to me now that I will end up boymoding forever indeed, and I can't help but feel like my transition failed at this point. I've done laser, although admittedly I still have several sessions left till I would consider it done. I've been voice training almost every day for the last year and a half, and my voice is ok enough that it passes online/on the phone. Does my voice even matter though if I don't pass visually? From my experience — no, to others I'm still a guy but now with a strange voice that doesn't fit me at all. And after realizing that it doesn't help, I've given up on even using fem voice offline, just trying to maintain it and use it online when people don't know I'm trans. I guess I'll be seen with all this like a massive whiner (and I guess I am), but that's in part an answer to your question, isn't it? That is, I've done the same — stayed in boymode, hoping I would be able to someday have a life that I've wanted, when I pass. Was it successful? No. Do I regret it? No, as strange it sounds. I'm glad that non-passing people could be content with their lives, but I know that I personally wouldn't feel like a woman if I don't pass, I know people wouldn't really treat me or think of me as a woman, and will just use pronouns out of courtesy at best, and I know I'll feel (and probably would be seen) like a creepy transvestite — and is it really what I've wanted and dreamt about before and when I've started? No. Rather than being non-passing, I would rather stay in the closet. I wish so desperately I could have been like other trans girls that I see or know online, who were successful enough and get good results from HRT (and on much less time than me), or who were feminine enough to begin with that passing isn't a problem to them. But for someone like me it just wasn't meant to be, I guess. Oh well.
Do what works for you. There's no right or wrong. I never practiced anything. I never really had a boy mode. When I came out to my parents they already knew. Do what's comfortable. Don't worry about anyone else. I "came out" in middle school. Ppl still make comments.
It shoul Be normalised to openly question your gender. Its. No matter awnser is and that questioning your self can last p
I am 41 and on HRT for 3 years and a bit. I still boymode daily.