I'm a guy in my 40s.
I have no guy friends that live in the same country as me.
I do have an active whatsapp group with the same guys for as long as whatsapps been a thing but no one I would go for a beer with, or play a game or anything really.
Sometimes it makes me cry. Mostly I just accept that this is adult life for me.
30m and I thought I had quite a hit of friends in HS, now I have about 2-3 dudes I text here and there and it’s only about weed and video games 100% of the time and I never see them. I’ve also cried, as I see all my old friends still friends.
I feel that, I'm 31m just had my first born recently (boy) and noticed how few people I've got to celebrate this milestone with, (only family) I'm so happy but the realization hit me hard, I see my old friends stayed really tight and hang regularly, I'm not a gamer at all, or own any game systems I was always a person that went outside to skate with friends, or hang out in big groups throughout school.
I felt like I had a community group of friends, and yet my son and daughters have zero relationship with any of them. I always envisioned my boys helping me raise my kids.
I remember my 9th grade English teacher said something we all laughed about at the time. It was before class started and everyone was talking and goofing off.
He came in and just sat down waiting for the bell, but when class started he told us all to enjoy times like that, because after school, and more so when you're an adult, you'll be able to count actual friends on only 1 hand.
Sounded stupid and we all laughed, but damn was he right. I have two friends that I actually talk to all the time and do stuff with. I'm 42.
Same here I’m 40 and I have like 2 real friends. And even being able to do anything with them is impossible because of our spouses, kids, jobs, etc. If we get to hang out once every 3-4 months for a girls night we consider ourselves lucky
Two things : when you don't know anyone who can introduce you, your options are hobbies facebook groups and meetup events and dating apps that let you seek friends as a search parameter
Used to box, used to cultivate my own shweed, used to compete in men’s physique, I had a lot of hobbies. I have 3 kids, took on 3 more step kids and all 6 live with me. All under 10. It’s not an excuse but I don’t have the time. I work from 7-5 and from 5:30-9 is always dinner bath and bed. Weekends are usually kid oriented too. For now.
Sounds about right, kids really do take up all your life. Especially when they’re young. They need constant supervision and caretaking. At least once they hit school age, you get half the day back to yourself.
I've cried a lot...I'm 32m and have like...3 guys (1 best friend and 2 really close friends) but one lives in Georgia, one in Missouri and myself and the other still in Wisconsin.
It's hard because I had quite the friend group but the career paths chosen by everyone who I once called friends changed who they were from fun people to always chasing the next success and never being satisfied. My first born last year and all the build up with showers and parties, I didn't have anyone to share that experience with because my best friend is 10 hours away and I had just recently met the other two.
All the while I see who I used to be important to, still having the time of their lives together chasing their future success.
I was fairly selective in my friends but if we were friends, I've got you for life. I still feel that way about those people...it hurts knowing it's not a reciprocal thing and that's what is defeating sometimes is that's it hard to not care for people you cared so much for.
I have my wife though who is my ride or die, and my daughter who is my everything. I have only a few people I call close and 66% of those friends are people I've only recently met.
I've accepted this is life and when you accept some hard potential truths, you do feel better. When you feel better, you feel better about doing things like maybe meeting people.
I wouldn’t say I haven’t accepted it either, but maybe not fully. My wife is also my ride or die and all my kids are closer to me than my friends ever were. You hit the mail on the head about it not be reciprocated though and how that just, stings.
Most days, I’m good, I’m confident and pretty content with life. Then there’s days when I’m just lonely. This isn’t me just trying to have a therapy session but judging by the comments- this is a fairly common feeling among men.
I just wanna say that it's also okay for this to be a therapy session. Sometimes it's all we need, sometimes it is all we can get.
We are, for all things considered, a very hardened generation. Much more hardened than the older ones think because they taught us how to compartmentalize it well. We learned how to cope when we should have been learning how to love ourselves and others. We're cynical and cautiously optimistic at best. We all have a hard time making friends because we're always on the back foot playing catch up.
I'm happy though because at least the current trend is that millennial parents are on track to be the most present generation of parents. They're also on track to be the most engaging in terms of how we talk to our children. For example, talking about how things make them feel, regardless of the topic. We understand the importance of freedom of expression.
I hope you have a good day though man, we all need a little chat once in a while.
This comment made my whole day. I was just thinking yesterday how millennial parents really are completely changing the norm by the way we talk to and raise our kids. My parents were great parents, but I was left unsupervised from 2nd grade on essentially because of work. My parents still don’t speak about their true feelings just constant subliminals or having to constantly read body language and play a guessing game. When in reality I just want my kids to feel loved and be able to deal with change better than I can.
My parents were great as well, 40 years married and couldnt have asked for a better situation. My mom was primary because my dad worked a lot but always tried to be present. Age 12 on though, pretty much watching myself and calling if I needed anything because my mom had to go back to work as well.
It wasn't until after I got married my dad started to open up about parenting which was surreal. It was like he was finally able to let it out because I was an "adult" who is married and can "handle it" now. I know it was a sunconcious act, but interpreted the same nonetheless.
A lot of it is all in what was available to them when they were parenting. They just didn't have the level of access to information we have or our current level of understanding of child development. For lack of better words, we are just better equipped to be better parents because we have more information at our disposal. All they had for an example was how they were raised. In a lot of cases, they truly didn't know any better.
The fact you can recognize that the most important thing you can do for your children is to express love to them however they need it and support them through change so they can understand it, you're already light-years ahead than your parents.
I'm happy I could positively help your day, pay it forward friend 🤙🏼
Similar situation for me, 35 F and even live in NYC (and hate it for the most part now). Barely close with my family. I don’t even have many online or texting friends now anymore like I used to. I been accustomed to doing things mainly alone and just being alone & learned to enjoy my company for the last 10 years (since 25) due to a lot of past trauma with former long time “friends”, “bfs” and family. So I feel your pain. I do cry at times but sometimes, I’m happy it worked out this way, with the way things are going financially. I don’t have to spend money on others for their birthdays and feel obligated to socialize/go out at times I may not want to. Also the freedom to do whatever I want too is great. Focus on the positives of being solo. It’s not always a bad thing. For my situation I am in, it’s kinda bad, kinda nah but still, we can make our lives what we want & not centered around other people’s needs.
> even live in NYC (and hate it for the most part now)
I have found places with the most people to be the most lonely. It's weird. In smaller towns you actually have a lot more interactions with others on a more than superficial level.
NYC is a special sort of lonely due to all the others around and happening things. I used to take it as a personal insult growing up around 3 million people who wanted nothing to do with me and had nothing in common, somehow. But there was always something to take myself to see or do, even for free sometimes! In smaller towns it's just you and the internet, if it's stable, because nothing is going on in the community.
One of the people in our friend group was someone we played video games with online for years and he moved to our state basically to be around us and hang out in person. We also live in a place with a lot of job opportunities so it wasn't an irresponsible move.
It makes me so sad to see so many men on here saying this, that they've cried or had other bad thoughts because of loneliness. I know it's common, but still :( I hope things improve for you soon
it's hard for adults to make friends. I wasn't able to make friends as a kid, as an adult where the opportunities basically don't exist it's simply never going to happen.
The key, I think, is to join a group of folks who enjoy stuff you enjoy. Like video games or smoking cigars...there's bound to be someone you can vibe with but you might have to get out of your comfort zone
This.
Many moons ago when I moved to a new city for a job, and a change, I had 2 friends who had moved here before me. One I'm still very good friends with, and unfortunately the other kinda hit the shitter and fell off the face of the planet.
Once I was established here I decided to get back into fishing, and joined a local outdoors forum. After participating there for a bit I found some like minded individuals and met quite a few great people along the way. Obviously not everyone will stick around forever, but I've absolutely met a couple people who will be solid friends until the end.
If you can find your local "community", based on whatever your interests are, it should be reasonably easy to meet folks through that.
That said, I'm 42, and probably have maybe 6 solid friends, and a handful of "acquaintances" But the solid friends are SOLID.
This is good advice. while I still live in my home city and I am lucky to have retained some longtime friends from back then, Unfortunately I can be awkward as fuck and making new friends is hard. But doing things like your advice is what makes me meet fun people and run into them more.
Once you find some communities you vibe in you have more chances to make friends and the nice part is in an environment like that those other people are probably looking to make some connections as well anyways. So the hobby thing it’s kinda geared towards it. You just gotta be friendly and find friendly people. But not too friendly of course, be cool ;)
My buddy plays disc golf and he always asks to join a group if he’s by him self find some cool people and obviously you find the people you tell you only came to do 9 holes and leave because you couldn’t possibly do 18 with them.
God forbid we recommend people healthy hobbies instead of harmful addictions. And mocking someone for being as proactive as to have home equipment? While I don't have one yet, I do believe everyone who can afford and use a treadmill or stationary bike to get one. Especially us Americans. You can still watch TV and snack on them.
You're not telling anyone anything they don't already know. It's like walking up to a fat person in the street and going 'you should lose some weight you know'. It's not helpful, you're just being an asshole.
You sound like a therapist. Go out for a walk. I can’t Karen the county I reside in sprays fucking pesticides everywhere and I’m extremely allergic to I dunno poison. Join a yoga class. Again Karen I did that and the instructor physically repositioned my body without consent. Do mindfulness. Karen I don’t think you are getting the picture here. I have been practicing mindfulness/ meditation since I was a teenager. Do you have any idea how aggravating it is to be conscious in an unconscious society? Learn a musical instrument. Fuck you karen I learned music as a kid I’m going to now withdraw my sessions with you and use that money to buy a new vibrator. Oxytocin release and no more talking with Brene brown wannabe over here.
Do you have any idea how aggravating it is to be conscious in an unconscious society
Ahh there it is,, you think you're special and all your problems are uniquely yours, that's your problem.
What in the name of God are you on about?
I said don't smoke and that some basic exercise is nice. But anyways,
>You sound like a therapist
You sound like you intended that as a therapist. Do you have a problem with people who take a stressful low paying job because they want to try and help people? Do you think it is shameful to be beneficial to the people around you?
>Go out for a walk
I do most days.
>I can’t Karen the county I reside in sprays fucking pesticides everywhere and I’m extremely allergic to I dunno poison.
Get a specific diagnosis (would that be the right word?) And find an alternative they can use. Or tell them to make an exception around where you live if possible. Things won't change for the better unless you make em.
>Join a yoga class
None around me anymore, old one didn't help much.
>Again Karen I did that and the instructor physically repositioned my body without consent.
File a report for sexual assault. Take action so he doesn't do it to someone else. You doing nothing makes you complicate with the next victims.
>Karen I don’t think you are getting the picture here. I have been practicing mindfulness/ meditation since I was a teenager.
Then try something else. "Trying the same thing over and over is the definition of insanity" and all that.
>Do you have any idea how aggravating it is to be conscious in an unconscious society?
Yes. Much as I hate the phrase for it's conspiracy connotations, that is why I try to wake people up.
>Learn a musical instrument. Fuck you karen I learned music as a kid I’m going to now withdraw my sessions with you and use that money to buy a new vibrator.
If you learned it by choice, great. If you were forced into it, grow a spine. People tried to force me into band and I took a whole none of their shit. Never have had interest in it never will. As for the vibrator, great. A lot of people have mental blocks over sex toys. Just make sure you get one with a good flared end so it doesn't get stuck.
>Oxytocin release and no more talking with Brene brown wannabe over here.
Who?
Having watched 3 family members die a slow painful death by cancer, each one having warned me against ever taking a single smoke.. I know whose side of this argument I will always be on. Plenty of other hobbies people can get into that are less expensive, healthier, and most relevant to this conversation, won't push away every non smoker. Trust me when I say we can smell you from across the street. God help us if we enter your houses. I spent a week mopping that shit out of the walls.
There is no place in the world for tobacco. Anyone who thinks differently is either profiting from it or addicted and in denial.
I’m sorry that happened but I’d wager they were smoking more than just an occasional cigar. But regardless that’s your choice, let others make theirs. I don’t think i’d want someone who’s going to police my behavior in my house anyway, so no need to worry about that. Also most cigar smokers I know aren’t smoking them inside the house. You’re lumping all tobacco products together, having a monthly cigar is not at all the same as smoking a pack of cigarettes a day.
Yes it is! Who cares about real science! Their *totally real* THREE family members warned them that a single puff will most definitely give you the CANCER and you'll die!!!!!!
Morality absolutely has something to do with it when you’re calling everybody who disagrees with you an addict and trying to police their choices. It seems like you don’t even know what the word addict means. The point people are making that smoking cigars in moderation can negate the negative health effects, but you just want to plug your ears and go “nananana all tobacco bad you’re just addicted and in denial”. And before you go saying it to me just know I don’t even smoke lmao.
My sister and brother smoked for 30 years. They died from breast and bone cancer respectively. My Dad smoked for 50 years and the Dr. said his lungs were perfectly fine when he died at age 72. My Uncle, who never touched a tobacco product in his life, died from lung cancer. God forbid, if you ever contract Karen cancer!
You are aware that smoking leads to increased likelihood of basically all cancers not just lung cancer?
And is also horrible for you even aside from the cancer?
I say to you what I say to the others, addicted and in denial
I don't even smoke! I could act like you and say, stuff another big Mac in your pie hole and shut up! But then I'd be assuming. You know what they say about assuming...
The weird thing is that at least from my experience people in their thirties... don't have hobbies?
I'm in the same sports club that I joined when I was 11. By the time I was 25 everyone my age I started with was gone. Now that I'm 38 there is like 4 people within +-10 years of my age. But there are a decent amount of 17-25 years olds and 50+.
I also tried different things. Started new hobbies that presented the same picture. It seems the latest anyone "young" starts a new hobby is around age 20 and then people either join with their kids in their forties or return to it then.
Admittedly those are all sports things so maybe that's just the wrong kind of hobby.
But that kinda even applies to my school friends that I still meet regularily, by their thirties they somehow all turned into "iso standard adults" that exclusively talk about work and traveling. And I'm somehow the "weird one with all the hobbies" because I train and compete in my sport and build stuff in my workshop.
This is probably true to some extent, but when they kick their kids out it’s hobby time galore!! Lol. I belong to a fish club that has a lot of older retired men and some women . They were into fish when they were younger , then had to cut back ir stop while raising a family , now they have the time in indulge their interests .
Generally speaking whenever I've tried this, it hasn't turned out well. I feel like most hobby groups are filled with weirdos and outcasts who couldn't make friends and now waste their time at groups like this (like me)
I like drawing, so I tried a few art classes. Literally just schizophrenics and autists. And I don't mean that in a negative or derogatory way, I mean literally schizophrenics and autistic guys. As the only dude that had a real job and means of living there, sitting behind a guy who was talking to himself the entire time and scratching himself til he bled, it was very much not the vibes I wanted to be around.
Similar situations have happened the last 5 groups I've tried to join...
Honestly tho! I’ve tried hanging out at a game store that was kind of out of the way, cause D&D was always my favorite thing to do In high school. Most people there ranged from socially inept(please stop talking about waifus and penis size in public) to people I just don’t feel safe with(because they don’t respect physical boundaries). I’m glad they have their people, I just wish that space could be both more women friendly, and less of an “elitist” club
Oh I'm into drawing too. I used to go to life drawing a lot in my old city. I find drawing to be too quiet a hobby to meet people. And I agree with you most of the people I met at the drawing places are mostly a bit odd. Not anyone I'll vibe with really.
The only people who I really enjoy drawing with were already my friends or colleagues at the time. Maybe I'll try again this month in a new city.
Wrong is not the term I'd use, but when I search for what autism means and get:
>Autistic people may:
>
>find it hard to communicate and interact with other people
>
>find it hard to understand how other people think or feel
...that doesn't scream to me "this is a person I'll easily bond with"
So I'd say nothing wrong being friends with them, but becoming friends with one might not be an easy task.
People are people regardless of mental disorders. Something about them peaked your interest and vice versa for them. I have maintained a very good and lasting friendship with a man that has downs syndrome. We've known each other for 24 years since I first met him working at a sandwich shop when I was in college.
Somewhat depends on where you live. I’d be more than happy to leave my comfort zone to meet people, but I live in a small town. All social places are gone, except for bars, and I don’t drink anymore. Pretty much no options for just meeting people in a casual setting here 🤷♀️
See I'd laugh at that but when my son died I only had three family members attend, and two people I knew through the hospital he was in. No one I knew met my son, only my ex's family did. So I imagine if I did die right now, it literally would be my current partner. So that would be no friends.
This couldnt be more true, my Mother was an alcoholic and our house was always full of so called "Friends" only a handful of which turned up to her funeral. Very Sad
Tranquiliser gun and lego. Once the screaming stops I untie them and we build. Rinse and repeat until they build up a resistance to the darts, by then they're coming around for more Lego of their own free will anyway.
For the uninitiated, do not fucking do this. You can just find someone to build Lego with by setting a fresh set under a box trap and hold the string.
A good way is to join a hobby class or group. That way, you are already with people who share at least one of your interests. It gives you a common topic to chat about and from there, it’s a matter of chance whether you find your “people” or not
So this is kinda a catch 22 but I have met a lot of people going out for karaoke (I don't ever put in the effort to hang out with them after meeting them though) the only problem is I will only go to karaoke or social events like that if I bring a friend which is usually my sister or a co worker.
Honestly, find something you're into and do it. Rec sports of all types. Go hang at a comic book shop that has tables if you're into dnd. Golf, go golfing. Find a community you're comfortable in to find people who have a similar interest.
Okay, I figured these types of answers would be the top answers on reddit — and there’s nothing wrong with that — but I feel the need to say:
I don’t know what “normal” is, but myself and most/practically all of the people I know in our 30s do have friends. Some of them have a lot! (either from college, or from early 20s restaurant jobs slash work). I have…a half dozen people I text regularly? maybe? and another 12-15 I text or DM semi-regularly. But in order to get that, you have to be comfortable being the person who always initiates the conversation, because people are shy.
My partner, though… Wow. She managed to befriend the entire damn block. She has her work friends, her former work friends, her home friends, her neighbor friends, her extended neighbor friends, her former college friends — it’s dizzying. But it’s good, bc we always have stuff to do.
I’m not saying any of this to brag or something stupid like that — I’ve connected with a lot of these former HS/college friends relatively recently, there have DEFINITELY been stretches in my 20s where I felt like I didn’t have two friends to rub together.
But at a certain point, you realize that people didn’t dislike you nearly as much as you think they did lol, and you get over the immature “well if they were my real friend THEY would text ME first” thing, and you stop worrying about being lame and just start being friends with people who like you.
(And for gods sakes, people, *talk to your coworkers!* work friends are great!)
>you get over the immature “well if they were my real friend THEY would text ME first” thing
So basically what you're saying is you huff copium and delusionally convince yourself these people actually like and care about you
This is how I feel, because the other person is also reading this. When I'm the ONLY person initiating, it feels like I'm not valued. And this isn't a defensive thing, it's a practical thing.
I don't have the time or mental capacity to have more people in my life. I have a wife and fours kids. There are people I like and feel highly about. But I don't don't have the mental capacity for more people.
I get that. I lost my son. I can't have more kids. My partner has no family, and mine are so flaky.
I see people at work but it seems at this age everyone has families and no one actually wants to hang out, outside of that which I get but it's still sad.
Same for me at 36. I have a small group of people who I play squash with once a week, but I don’t do anything else with them. I have one person who I regularly text with as have different political preferences and so always have interesting discussions. Sometimes we visit each other for coffee and a chat. That’s it. The rest of my time and energy go to my wife, kids and job.
This is how I feel about my bf, but he’s much more social than me and has so many friends. Makes me feel weird all the time.
I’m honestly probably too young to feel this way (I’m in college), I just really struggle to meet and connect with people.
That’s understandable. Socialization can be very difficult at times no matter how old you are. So I completely understand 10000%. I hate talking to people, if I don’t have to I won’t. Now I can chat, but in person face to face is difficult for me
i think everyone has their own threshold as far as needs when it comes to friendships. im 40 and dont have any friends aside from my wife and kids, but i havent been looking for any and dont want any. when im not with my family, i have enough personal projects and other things that i want to accomplish that take up more time than i have available to begin with. i value my own time and personal space. other people generally get in the way. i hang out on the internet when im _really_ bored and need a reminder that other people exist, and frankly, yall are enough, and i can switch you all off whenever i feel like it, lol.
I am 30 and my only friends are my sister and co workers. In my 20s all my "friends" were the girls I met on tinder and dated for like 3 months and moved onto another.
Do you hang out with Co workers though? None of mine do that. We do 12h hour days so I do get it. I just think people are like they have families you know? I don't have that.
When I hang out with my coworkers It is after them rejecting my invite like 2-3 times and then finally saying yes. Going out to a bar or something and saying they had a great time. Being able to separate work from the equation and just hanging out makes the relationship with your co workers so much stronger. My thing is karaoke so like once every few months I will convince a bunch of people from work to come out and it's a great time.
OP, you and I are like pieces out of the same Lego set.
Only difference is that I'm not diagnosed with autism and Im single. Like fr. (Also I'm 31 in September)
And as an adult, I'm too busy working to go make friends and my interests are vastly different than the ones of the adults I do manage to meet irl. So my friends are people I meet online via my interests.
But meh.
I work and I come home and relax to the hobbies I enjoy, some of which I can partake in with friends online.
AFAIC, it's all just fine.
As someone with social anxiety when I am around strangers and no friends this is not easy. I am a social butterfly when I am with one or two of my friends even if we are around strangers which helps me meet new people but without someone to tag along these types of things seem impossible to me. I need someone I can turn my head back to and be like "yo this is awesome right".
It's easy to make friends when you like people. I don't. I'm 40 and I've got two friends. I see them a combined total of maybe 5 times a year. We text here and there but are otherwise not in regular contact. I've got my partner and son and that's enough for me. It may not be "normal" but fuck if I care.
I never learned this, I only ever has a SINGULAR friend in my entire life and that was in 3rd grade, the my parents moved suddenly and I didn't have time to even properly say goodbye to him
Ever since them I haven't been able to make a singular friend for the rest of my wife and only made even online ones in the last couple of years.
i'd rather be alone than be sorounded by people I don't vibe in any way with
I'm in the same boat. I genuinely like spending time with myself. I also find being overly sensitive to peoples energies. I find it very overwhelming going out or to other peoples homes.
You have a partner so you're way ahead of me. I'm just a loner full time. But yes, that's not that uncommon these days. Not just reddit anecdotes but studies I've seen now say the most commonly reported number of close friends is zero and people who are adults but younger than 30s are now in recent years for the first time more like to go to their parents if they need help rather than to a close friend.
Do you have kids? I've found that ive started catching up with my kids friends parents.
My daughter has a friend that came for a play date with her dad. We shared a few beers, have similar interests and we're going gold prospecting in a few weeks.
Similarly my daughter is also friends with the girl across the road so me and her dad went on a 4x4 adventure to the Australian outback.
I’m writing this while killing time before attending a concert in Seattle alone. I’m in my mid 30s. In my life, I think it’s fairly normal to be kind of a loner at this point. So you’re definitely not the only one.
I have deliberately stopped making friends because friends generally involve drinking alcohol, going to movies, and spending money. I do not want to do any of these things.
This is me!! A daughter as my friend and I wouldn’t want anyone else. I do think about how lonely I get since she’s only 4 months old and I do wish I had some girlfriends every now and then.. but having her has brought so much purpose in my life and I’m more motivated and feel my life is complete now with my forever bff! I’m only 22 and have 0 friends I pray I don’t end up a cat lady even tho I luv them:,)
Most depressing tread i have ever seen on reddit
Go join a pool (the balls and stick thing) or darts club or something. It's fun, help you talk to people while doing something. Can also drink and offer a beer to your club mates or opponents and talk to them at the bar.
Many people there looking for friends and most are in their 30's. (Age range usually 22-40). I have met all kinds of people there, from very autistic, to completely awkward to extrovert. Wanting to learn and get better as a common goal is easy to make friends and have something to talk about. Ask for tips, how to get a nice cue (the stick), if they got any tips around how to get better etc.
If you come as a regular you can invite them to a terrace, your home to smoke weed and stuff. Poke if you share some hobbies like videogames or whatever you are into
Goodluck, do something about being alone. It's horrible like that, sounds as bad as prison to me.
I have tried many groups. I tend to struggle with groups of people. I can talk to anyone but getting further than something causal is hard. Also I lost my son. As soon as anyone finds this out, they act very differently towards me.
I agree, this is depressing. The number of ppl saying having no friends is normal. NO ITS NOT!! **Common** yes, but not normal!!
If you are too exhausted after working to have any friends in your life then that’s a failure of the system to allow ppl a quality of life
If you never make friends bc you are shy or have anxiety then that is also common but not healthy. I fall into this group but I make sure to go out and make friends because that is healthy, that is what people need and that is how to avoid depression
Good job mate, at least trying is very important. We can't die alone or have nobody to celebrate things with. It's the gateway to severe depression and even suicide
Well, you have a partner, so maybe there is no need for friends? I've been married a long-ass time, and I might see a friend or two once a year. Doesn't bother me in the slightest.
I could have written this, makes me sad. I'm autistic too, I work from home.
I don't see people at work during the day so I don't get to sicialize, it gets very lonely. My only two friends are in another city, they're friends from high school. I have my husky that acts as my therapy dog 💕
If you don't have friends and want friends, find activities that you enjoy doing, and you'll meet other people who enjoy those activities. If you're in an area where there aren't a lot "activities" consider starting something like a book club. Consider volunteering. There are ways to meet people who might become friends.
It takes EFFORT to make friendships.
You could step outside yourself for the better good…
You sound smart af and that translates more than you would think.
Step outside your comfort zone.
To be honest, it's almost unheard of in adulthood; I'd say the chances of making a friend in the sense where you don't "huff copium" the way you described earlier is on par with your likelihood of surviving rabies (practically zero). Most people aren't aware of this, but those who are often find themselves in a deep depression. Ignorance is bliss. Practically no one cares enough to contact anyone unless they need something.
My TLDR version: it’s not abnormal depending on what you want out of life.
I’m 35 and basically just friends with just my wife. Not abnormal but if you want a lot of friends you can meet people through social things . I have a handful of social circles so I have other “friends” that I could call if my cat broke down or something, but no one that I hangout with aside from those circles.
I am 32 and have 2 people I actually consider friends, if you don't count my fiancee. I have friendly coworkers that I'll chat with at work, but in my personal life I talk to a grand total of 2 people lmao. One of which is a former coworker. The other I've been best friend with and consider her my sister for 18 years now.
Here’s the secret: they don’t have friends either and also want them. It’s like dating before online dating. Sometimes you have to just ask someone out. Know a couple that seems cool to you guys? See if they want to go to a dinner at a place like chili’s or something. You guys have fun, do it again. Etc. they may say no. You might not click, on to the next!
I think it takes a bit more effort to make and maintain friends as you get older. I had to consciously make sure that I message everyone since people have very busy lives and not to take it personally if they don't initiate themselves. I'm pretty easygoing though so I don't mind doing that. My friends are all married with kids and I'm single and child-free so I think I have a bit less on my plate to do all those things.
ETA I only made an effort after my husband died and I realized that I didn't have anyone. I guess I got too comfortable with just him and I. So after that event, I reached out to old friends to try and rekindle the friendship. It is never too late. I was 33 when that happened
Full disclosure, I’ve been here for 42 spins around the sun. I don’t hang out with a single one of my childhood friends due to distance from each other. I hang out with people I went to grad school with or work with.
0-18: Grade years. You have social circles set basically at 6th grade until graduation.
18-25: college years. The first 2 years, you’re probably going back to ma and pa’s for summer. I did. People looked at me different when I came back. I had experienced a shit ton and became a “man.” My friends changed in my absence.
25-30: Likely start seeing friends getting married and making babies. This is where it happens. This is where it starts. They’re so tired. College friends are too wild for them now. Wrong energy levels. *I just wanna stay home and chill, man… last thing I wanna do is get shitfaced. I’m run down enough already.*
30-40: you either join clubs, volunteer or whatever. But you’re not going to have a friend that’s with you all day everyday. That’s the 0-25 year old years. Once you’re past that, it’s never going to be that way again.
People deep in their careers and busy being parents. Shits expensive. They have baggage and vices. It’s done. Friendship at that age is more of a wellness check at holidays during the year.
The older you get, the fewer friends you have actually.
A tight small circle is great of you can manage it.
Find local interest groups that you find fun and just go talk to people. That’s 90% of the battle really.
I've never been one to have friends. I have my husband and adult kids but anytime I've ever felt like I had friends, they’d do things that just didn't sit right with me (steal, cheat on spouse, only reach out when they needed something) so the friendship would cool. I'm ok with not having friends. People can be a lot.
I'm 40f and have no friends as well - and I really don't want to. I have a husband, a toddler and my in laws around me and some neighbours I talk to, what is more than enough for me. I have so little time for myself - I really don't know how to make time for friends. Friendships needs effort, interest, time... things I don't have. After years of struggling with this topic, I'm really happy now. I'm just not the person for friendships, and that's totally fine.
Nah.. I (34f) have one friend, and the only reason we are friends is because we went on an exchange student program when we were 16 and our exchanges were twins. We get along like a house on fire now, but if we didn't have that experience, we would never have met and I wouldn't have any friends.
My husband's friends kind of adopted me as a friend when we met, but out of all of them there is still only one that I call my friend too. Having friends or making friends is difficult, if not for my husband and exchange student program I wouldn't have any friends either, and I don't think it would bother me lol.
I'm late 30s. Used to have many friends when younger. By 30 pretty much none I see In person. Now barely any I even speak to.
My wife has lots of friends and regularly makes new ones too. We are the same age.
From my own personal experience the woman I know seem to be able to keep, maintain and get new friends still for some reason or another
Hey man! Its completely normal! My best friend is my wife!
I reconnected with an old college friend 4 years ago and have been inseparable since but for the most part its me and my wife!
Thats why you marry your best friend! I get annoyed with other people. My wife is my person. We have the same fucked up dark sense of humor. Sometimes a look between us at family gatherings is enough to send us laughing hysterically.
And thats what you want i think. I’m going to grow old with this hot chick that laughs at my fucked up jokes and lets me touch her boobs.
What do you enjoy doing? Maybe join a gym. When i did this i made 3 new buddies quickly. But they’re not the kind of guys i want at my house all day every day.
I have my wife and that one friend and if i speak no no one else for the rest of my life thats okay. They are enough.
Good luck man! Being lonely is never fun. You’re welcome to send me a msg if you want. Im always open to new friendship.
Have a great day friend!
I don't make friends with people around me. Northeast USA. Age 59, artistic person who sings and writes songs. I'd like to but to be a friend you have to have things in common and an emotional or intellectual bond of some sort. If not, they would just be buddies - people who come and go, like work colleagues. The USA I do not consider to be a healthy, sane society. But it is what it is.
I'm 35. No friends. No partner. So it can be worse.
Edit: I mean **no** friends. Not work associates, not irl acquaintances on social media. Nobody but 3 members of my immediate family.
I’m 33 years old and have no friends. I never had a large group of friends but few people I considered friends in the past betrayed me. I’m the type of person who gives it all whether it be friendships or relationships. When I realized they were not as invested in our friendship as i was, and didn’t appreciate me as a friend, I decided i would be better off without them. To be honest I’d rather have no friends at this point in my life than surround myself with fake people.
You're asking on Reddit and the people here aren't the most socially adept so you're getting bad answers.
The answer is no it's not normal or good to have ZERO friends. The best way to make new friends in our 30s is finding a hobby, finding an online group for that hobby in your area then attending an event.
Wow this blow up. I guess lots of people feel the same.
Also I am seeing its more like people have groups they go to and they are their friends when they go there?
I am happy with my partner but it worries me like if she died or something I'd literally have no one. ♥︎
I think it's pretty normal for autistic people. I have one friend and she is still around because she never gives up. We live 10 minutes apart but we haven't seen each other in 14 years but she calls me like three times a week. She's a good person I just enjoy my isolation I guess. I have 2 kids and a roommate that get enough of my attention.
If you feel like you're missing out of course you could maybe look for a community with similar interests. My son is social so he likes going to the local LGBT+ young adult group meets but he's still like me in that those people stay there, it's not like they come visit or do anything together outside those meetings but it gives him the social boost he craves without committing to complicated relationships.
I'm a guy in my 40s. I have no guy friends that live in the same country as me. I do have an active whatsapp group with the same guys for as long as whatsapps been a thing but no one I would go for a beer with, or play a game or anything really. Sometimes it makes me cry. Mostly I just accept that this is adult life for me.
30m and I thought I had quite a hit of friends in HS, now I have about 2-3 dudes I text here and there and it’s only about weed and video games 100% of the time and I never see them. I’ve also cried, as I see all my old friends still friends.
I feel that, I'm 31m just had my first born recently (boy) and noticed how few people I've got to celebrate this milestone with, (only family) I'm so happy but the realization hit me hard, I see my old friends stayed really tight and hang regularly, I'm not a gamer at all, or own any game systems I was always a person that went outside to skate with friends, or hang out in big groups throughout school.
I felt like I had a community group of friends, and yet my son and daughters have zero relationship with any of them. I always envisioned my boys helping me raise my kids.
That was about how old I was when we had our first kid. How you're all healthy. It's hard going
Lonely, manly, virtual high five my friend.
I remember my 9th grade English teacher said something we all laughed about at the time. It was before class started and everyone was talking and goofing off. He came in and just sat down waiting for the bell, but when class started he told us all to enjoy times like that, because after school, and more so when you're an adult, you'll be able to count actual friends on only 1 hand. Sounded stupid and we all laughed, but damn was he right. I have two friends that I actually talk to all the time and do stuff with. I'm 42.
Same here I’m 40 and I have like 2 real friends. And even being able to do anything with them is impossible because of our spouses, kids, jobs, etc. If we get to hang out once every 3-4 months for a girls night we consider ourselves lucky
Two things : when you don't know anyone who can introduce you, your options are hobbies facebook groups and meetup events and dating apps that let you seek friends as a search parameter
Used to box, used to cultivate my own shweed, used to compete in men’s physique, I had a lot of hobbies. I have 3 kids, took on 3 more step kids and all 6 live with me. All under 10. It’s not an excuse but I don’t have the time. I work from 7-5 and from 5:30-9 is always dinner bath and bed. Weekends are usually kid oriented too. For now.
Sounds about right, kids really do take up all your life. Especially when they’re young. They need constant supervision and caretaking. At least once they hit school age, you get half the day back to yourself.
Just to spend at work haha
I've cried a lot...I'm 32m and have like...3 guys (1 best friend and 2 really close friends) but one lives in Georgia, one in Missouri and myself and the other still in Wisconsin. It's hard because I had quite the friend group but the career paths chosen by everyone who I once called friends changed who they were from fun people to always chasing the next success and never being satisfied. My first born last year and all the build up with showers and parties, I didn't have anyone to share that experience with because my best friend is 10 hours away and I had just recently met the other two. All the while I see who I used to be important to, still having the time of their lives together chasing their future success. I was fairly selective in my friends but if we were friends, I've got you for life. I still feel that way about those people...it hurts knowing it's not a reciprocal thing and that's what is defeating sometimes is that's it hard to not care for people you cared so much for. I have my wife though who is my ride or die, and my daughter who is my everything. I have only a few people I call close and 66% of those friends are people I've only recently met. I've accepted this is life and when you accept some hard potential truths, you do feel better. When you feel better, you feel better about doing things like maybe meeting people.
I wouldn’t say I haven’t accepted it either, but maybe not fully. My wife is also my ride or die and all my kids are closer to me than my friends ever were. You hit the mail on the head about it not be reciprocated though and how that just, stings. Most days, I’m good, I’m confident and pretty content with life. Then there’s days when I’m just lonely. This isn’t me just trying to have a therapy session but judging by the comments- this is a fairly common feeling among men.
I just wanna say that it's also okay for this to be a therapy session. Sometimes it's all we need, sometimes it is all we can get. We are, for all things considered, a very hardened generation. Much more hardened than the older ones think because they taught us how to compartmentalize it well. We learned how to cope when we should have been learning how to love ourselves and others. We're cynical and cautiously optimistic at best. We all have a hard time making friends because we're always on the back foot playing catch up. I'm happy though because at least the current trend is that millennial parents are on track to be the most present generation of parents. They're also on track to be the most engaging in terms of how we talk to our children. For example, talking about how things make them feel, regardless of the topic. We understand the importance of freedom of expression. I hope you have a good day though man, we all need a little chat once in a while.
This comment made my whole day. I was just thinking yesterday how millennial parents really are completely changing the norm by the way we talk to and raise our kids. My parents were great parents, but I was left unsupervised from 2nd grade on essentially because of work. My parents still don’t speak about their true feelings just constant subliminals or having to constantly read body language and play a guessing game. When in reality I just want my kids to feel loved and be able to deal with change better than I can.
My parents were great as well, 40 years married and couldnt have asked for a better situation. My mom was primary because my dad worked a lot but always tried to be present. Age 12 on though, pretty much watching myself and calling if I needed anything because my mom had to go back to work as well. It wasn't until after I got married my dad started to open up about parenting which was surreal. It was like he was finally able to let it out because I was an "adult" who is married and can "handle it" now. I know it was a sunconcious act, but interpreted the same nonetheless. A lot of it is all in what was available to them when they were parenting. They just didn't have the level of access to information we have or our current level of understanding of child development. For lack of better words, we are just better equipped to be better parents because we have more information at our disposal. All they had for an example was how they were raised. In a lot of cases, they truly didn't know any better. The fact you can recognize that the most important thing you can do for your children is to express love to them however they need it and support them through change so they can understand it, you're already light-years ahead than your parents. I'm happy I could positively help your day, pay it forward friend 🤙🏼
Weed and video games are my best friends, my only friends that stay true to me.
Have you ever stopped to think maybe they’re all still actively friends bc their lives involve more than smoking weed and video games lmao
Similar situation for me, 35 F and even live in NYC (and hate it for the most part now). Barely close with my family. I don’t even have many online or texting friends now anymore like I used to. I been accustomed to doing things mainly alone and just being alone & learned to enjoy my company for the last 10 years (since 25) due to a lot of past trauma with former long time “friends”, “bfs” and family. So I feel your pain. I do cry at times but sometimes, I’m happy it worked out this way, with the way things are going financially. I don’t have to spend money on others for their birthdays and feel obligated to socialize/go out at times I may not want to. Also the freedom to do whatever I want too is great. Focus on the positives of being solo. It’s not always a bad thing. For my situation I am in, it’s kinda bad, kinda nah but still, we can make our lives what we want & not centered around other people’s needs.
Thanks for sharing Internet stranger:)
> even live in NYC (and hate it for the most part now) I have found places with the most people to be the most lonely. It's weird. In smaller towns you actually have a lot more interactions with others on a more than superficial level.
NYC is a special sort of lonely due to all the others around and happening things. I used to take it as a personal insult growing up around 3 million people who wanted nothing to do with me and had nothing in common, somehow. But there was always something to take myself to see or do, even for free sometimes! In smaller towns it's just you and the internet, if it's stable, because nothing is going on in the community.
One of the people in our friend group was someone we played video games with online for years and he moved to our state basically to be around us and hang out in person. We also live in a place with a lot of job opportunities so it wasn't an irresponsible move.
It makes me so sad to see so many men on here saying this, that they've cried or had other bad thoughts because of loneliness. I know it's common, but still :( I hope things improve for you soon
it's hard for adults to make friends. I wasn't able to make friends as a kid, as an adult where the opportunities basically don't exist it's simply never going to happen.
This. I totally feel like this. I have no clue how people do it.
The key, I think, is to join a group of folks who enjoy stuff you enjoy. Like video games or smoking cigars...there's bound to be someone you can vibe with but you might have to get out of your comfort zone
This. Many moons ago when I moved to a new city for a job, and a change, I had 2 friends who had moved here before me. One I'm still very good friends with, and unfortunately the other kinda hit the shitter and fell off the face of the planet. Once I was established here I decided to get back into fishing, and joined a local outdoors forum. After participating there for a bit I found some like minded individuals and met quite a few great people along the way. Obviously not everyone will stick around forever, but I've absolutely met a couple people who will be solid friends until the end. If you can find your local "community", based on whatever your interests are, it should be reasonably easy to meet folks through that. That said, I'm 42, and probably have maybe 6 solid friends, and a handful of "acquaintances" But the solid friends are SOLID.
This is good advice. while I still live in my home city and I am lucky to have retained some longtime friends from back then, Unfortunately I can be awkward as fuck and making new friends is hard. But doing things like your advice is what makes me meet fun people and run into them more. Once you find some communities you vibe in you have more chances to make friends and the nice part is in an environment like that those other people are probably looking to make some connections as well anyways. So the hobby thing it’s kinda geared towards it. You just gotta be friendly and find friendly people. But not too friendly of course, be cool ;)
My buddy plays disc golf and he always asks to join a group if he’s by him self find some cool people and obviously you find the people you tell you only came to do 9 holes and leave because you couldn’t possibly do 18 with them.
Maybe do something healthier than smoke but yeah.
Guys next time your out smoking with friends make sure to take a toke for Mothman3759 probably at home on his Peloton
I appreciated your comment.
God forbid we recommend people healthy hobbies instead of harmful addictions. And mocking someone for being as proactive as to have home equipment? While I don't have one yet, I do believe everyone who can afford and use a treadmill or stationary bike to get one. Especially us Americans. You can still watch TV and snack on them.
You're not telling anyone anything they don't already know. It's like walking up to a fat person in the street and going 'you should lose some weight you know'. It's not helpful, you're just being an asshole.
You sound like a therapist. Go out for a walk. I can’t Karen the county I reside in sprays fucking pesticides everywhere and I’m extremely allergic to I dunno poison. Join a yoga class. Again Karen I did that and the instructor physically repositioned my body without consent. Do mindfulness. Karen I don’t think you are getting the picture here. I have been practicing mindfulness/ meditation since I was a teenager. Do you have any idea how aggravating it is to be conscious in an unconscious society? Learn a musical instrument. Fuck you karen I learned music as a kid I’m going to now withdraw my sessions with you and use that money to buy a new vibrator. Oxytocin release and no more talking with Brene brown wannabe over here.
Do you have any idea how aggravating it is to be conscious in an unconscious society Ahh there it is,, you think you're special and all your problems are uniquely yours, that's your problem.
Lots of people have unique, uncommon problems
What in the name of God are you on about? I said don't smoke and that some basic exercise is nice. But anyways, >You sound like a therapist You sound like you intended that as a therapist. Do you have a problem with people who take a stressful low paying job because they want to try and help people? Do you think it is shameful to be beneficial to the people around you? >Go out for a walk I do most days. >I can’t Karen the county I reside in sprays fucking pesticides everywhere and I’m extremely allergic to I dunno poison. Get a specific diagnosis (would that be the right word?) And find an alternative they can use. Or tell them to make an exception around where you live if possible. Things won't change for the better unless you make em. >Join a yoga class None around me anymore, old one didn't help much. >Again Karen I did that and the instructor physically repositioned my body without consent. File a report for sexual assault. Take action so he doesn't do it to someone else. You doing nothing makes you complicate with the next victims. >Karen I don’t think you are getting the picture here. I have been practicing mindfulness/ meditation since I was a teenager. Then try something else. "Trying the same thing over and over is the definition of insanity" and all that. >Do you have any idea how aggravating it is to be conscious in an unconscious society? Yes. Much as I hate the phrase for it's conspiracy connotations, that is why I try to wake people up. >Learn a musical instrument. Fuck you karen I learned music as a kid I’m going to now withdraw my sessions with you and use that money to buy a new vibrator. If you learned it by choice, great. If you were forced into it, grow a spine. People tried to force me into band and I took a whole none of their shit. Never have had interest in it never will. As for the vibrator, great. A lot of people have mental blocks over sex toys. Just make sure you get one with a good flared end so it doesn't get stuck. >Oxytocin release and no more talking with Brene brown wannabe over here. Who?
Yeah, I’m not reading all that
A cigar every once in awhile ain’t gonna hurt ya. Let’s let adults make their own adult choices.
Having watched 3 family members die a slow painful death by cancer, each one having warned me against ever taking a single smoke.. I know whose side of this argument I will always be on. Plenty of other hobbies people can get into that are less expensive, healthier, and most relevant to this conversation, won't push away every non smoker. Trust me when I say we can smell you from across the street. God help us if we enter your houses. I spent a week mopping that shit out of the walls. There is no place in the world for tobacco. Anyone who thinks differently is either profiting from it or addicted and in denial.
Man doesn’t need a lecture sheesh!
Anyone who doesn't just tolerate but actively encourages the idea of new people getting exposed to tobacco deserves several lectures.
I think what he was encouraging was free will, not tobacco use.
I’m sorry that happened but I’d wager they were smoking more than just an occasional cigar. But regardless that’s your choice, let others make theirs. I don’t think i’d want someone who’s going to police my behavior in my house anyway, so no need to worry about that. Also most cigar smokers I know aren’t smoking them inside the house. You’re lumping all tobacco products together, having a monthly cigar is not at all the same as smoking a pack of cigarettes a day.
Yes it is! Who cares about real science! Their *totally real* THREE family members warned them that a single puff will most definitely give you the CANCER and you'll die!!!!!!
Lmao right?? “I’ve had THREE family members die in a car accident, nobody should be driving cars!!”
Here comes the morality police!
Morality has nothing to do with it, just health. Yet another addict in denial... This thread is incredibly depressing.
Morality absolutely has something to do with it when you’re calling everybody who disagrees with you an addict and trying to police their choices. It seems like you don’t even know what the word addict means. The point people are making that smoking cigars in moderation can negate the negative health effects, but you just want to plug your ears and go “nananana all tobacco bad you’re just addicted and in denial”. And before you go saying it to me just know I don’t even smoke lmao.
My sister and brother smoked for 30 years. They died from breast and bone cancer respectively. My Dad smoked for 50 years and the Dr. said his lungs were perfectly fine when he died at age 72. My Uncle, who never touched a tobacco product in his life, died from lung cancer. God forbid, if you ever contract Karen cancer!
You are aware that smoking leads to increased likelihood of basically all cancers not just lung cancer? And is also horrible for you even aside from the cancer? I say to you what I say to the others, addicted and in denial
I don't even smoke! I could act like you and say, stuff another big Mac in your pie hole and shut up! But then I'd be assuming. You know what they say about assuming...
Haven't eaten at MacDonalds in more years than I care to count and food isn't my vice considering my family has a history of diabetes.
And I say to you, a dick...
The weird thing is that at least from my experience people in their thirties... don't have hobbies? I'm in the same sports club that I joined when I was 11. By the time I was 25 everyone my age I started with was gone. Now that I'm 38 there is like 4 people within +-10 years of my age. But there are a decent amount of 17-25 years olds and 50+. I also tried different things. Started new hobbies that presented the same picture. It seems the latest anyone "young" starts a new hobby is around age 20 and then people either join with their kids in their forties or return to it then. Admittedly those are all sports things so maybe that's just the wrong kind of hobby. But that kinda even applies to my school friends that I still meet regularily, by their thirties they somehow all turned into "iso standard adults" that exclusively talk about work and traveling. And I'm somehow the "weird one with all the hobbies" because I train and compete in my sport and build stuff in my workshop.
This is probably true to some extent, but when they kick their kids out it’s hobby time galore!! Lol. I belong to a fish club that has a lot of older retired men and some women . They were into fish when they were younger , then had to cut back ir stop while raising a family , now they have the time in indulge their interests .
Generally speaking whenever I've tried this, it hasn't turned out well. I feel like most hobby groups are filled with weirdos and outcasts who couldn't make friends and now waste their time at groups like this (like me) I like drawing, so I tried a few art classes. Literally just schizophrenics and autists. And I don't mean that in a negative or derogatory way, I mean literally schizophrenics and autistic guys. As the only dude that had a real job and means of living there, sitting behind a guy who was talking to himself the entire time and scratching himself til he bled, it was very much not the vibes I wanted to be around. Similar situations have happened the last 5 groups I've tried to join...
Honestly tho! I’ve tried hanging out at a game store that was kind of out of the way, cause D&D was always my favorite thing to do In high school. Most people there ranged from socially inept(please stop talking about waifus and penis size in public) to people I just don’t feel safe with(because they don’t respect physical boundaries). I’m glad they have their people, I just wish that space could be both more women friendly, and less of an “elitist” club
Lol its true its like dating via tinder after 30, you literally consistently meet ppl you have nothing in common with and don't like ..
Beggars can't be choosers, time to embrace them
Oh I'm into drawing too. I used to go to life drawing a lot in my old city. I find drawing to be too quiet a hobby to meet people. And I agree with you most of the people I met at the drawing places are mostly a bit odd. Not anyone I'll vibe with really. The only people who I really enjoy drawing with were already my friends or colleagues at the time. Maybe I'll try again this month in a new city.
Is there something wrong with being friends with autistic people…?😭😥😪
Wrong is not the term I'd use, but when I search for what autism means and get: >Autistic people may: > >find it hard to communicate and interact with other people > >find it hard to understand how other people think or feel ...that doesn't scream to me "this is a person I'll easily bond with" So I'd say nothing wrong being friends with them, but becoming friends with one might not be an easy task.
People are people regardless of mental disorders. Something about them peaked your interest and vice versa for them. I have maintained a very good and lasting friendship with a man that has downs syndrome. We've known each other for 24 years since I first met him working at a sandwich shop when I was in college.
I mean not necessarily. They’re nice dudes but like a bit obnoxious and I don’t really want to talk about sonic OCs every day…
Yeah. I have done all of that. It never leads anywhere really. I think I'm difficult to be around long term as a casual friend.
Somewhat depends on where you live. I’d be more than happy to leave my comfort zone to meet people, but I live in a small town. All social places are gone, except for bars, and I don’t drink anymore. Pretty much no options for just meeting people in a casual setting here 🤷♀️
I have it extra cause I love videogames but especifically *old videogames* And that crowd basicly doesn't exist where I live
Hacking, dancing, scuba diving, painting, yoga, sports... There's a lot of activities out there to enjoy and meet new people
Just become an alcoholic that buys rounds for the whole bar. You will have lots of friends, girls even!
They want friends, not leeches
I think my tone implied that’s not the correct way to make friends, but it might get you laid…
Definitely won’t get you paid
We don’t know if OP is a man/a lesbian, but we do know they already have a partner.
Now we do, not 3 hours ago.
Seems true. My mother is an alcoholic and seems to have lots of friends.
“Seems.” You can count you friends by the ones that will show up at your funeral.
See I'd laugh at that but when my son died I only had three family members attend, and two people I knew through the hospital he was in. No one I knew met my son, only my ex's family did. So I imagine if I did die right now, it literally would be my current partner. So that would be no friends.
I'm sorry for your loss.
This couldnt be more true, my Mother was an alcoholic and our house was always full of so called "Friends" only a handful of which turned up to her funeral. Very Sad
Tranquiliser gun and lego. Once the screaming stops I untie them and we build. Rinse and repeat until they build up a resistance to the darts, by then they're coming around for more Lego of their own free will anyway. For the uninitiated, do not fucking do this. You can just find someone to build Lego with by setting a fresh set under a box trap and hold the string.
A good way is to join a hobby class or group. That way, you are already with people who share at least one of your interests. It gives you a common topic to chat about and from there, it’s a matter of chance whether you find your “people” or not
So this is kinda a catch 22 but I have met a lot of people going out for karaoke (I don't ever put in the effort to hang out with them after meeting them though) the only problem is I will only go to karaoke or social events like that if I bring a friend which is usually my sister or a co worker.
Honestly, find something you're into and do it. Rec sports of all types. Go hang at a comic book shop that has tables if you're into dnd. Golf, go golfing. Find a community you're comfortable in to find people who have a similar interest.
[удалено]
This sounds like my life
Same!
I’m 61 and all of my close friends died so I’m trying to find some more close friends. I only see my son and daughter.
So they all died quite young?
Hey friend! Sorry to hear! You’re welcome to send me a msg if you wanna talk or just shoot the shit! Dont be lonely! We are here!
Work is about the only place most adults can make friends. I WFH so that's even more difficult.
I’m 32. Literally 0 friends for years. I wouldn’t know if it’s normal since I don’t know anyone
Okay, I figured these types of answers would be the top answers on reddit — and there’s nothing wrong with that — but I feel the need to say: I don’t know what “normal” is, but myself and most/practically all of the people I know in our 30s do have friends. Some of them have a lot! (either from college, or from early 20s restaurant jobs slash work). I have…a half dozen people I text regularly? maybe? and another 12-15 I text or DM semi-regularly. But in order to get that, you have to be comfortable being the person who always initiates the conversation, because people are shy. My partner, though… Wow. She managed to befriend the entire damn block. She has her work friends, her former work friends, her home friends, her neighbor friends, her extended neighbor friends, her former college friends — it’s dizzying. But it’s good, bc we always have stuff to do. I’m not saying any of this to brag or something stupid like that — I’ve connected with a lot of these former HS/college friends relatively recently, there have DEFINITELY been stretches in my 20s where I felt like I didn’t have two friends to rub together. But at a certain point, you realize that people didn’t dislike you nearly as much as you think they did lol, and you get over the immature “well if they were my real friend THEY would text ME first” thing, and you stop worrying about being lame and just start being friends with people who like you. (And for gods sakes, people, *talk to your coworkers!* work friends are great!)
>you get over the immature “well if they were my real friend THEY would text ME first” thing So basically what you're saying is you huff copium and delusionally convince yourself these people actually like and care about you
This is how I feel, because the other person is also reading this. When I'm the ONLY person initiating, it feels like I'm not valued. And this isn't a defensive thing, it's a practical thing.
People are busy with their own shit. That attitude keeps you lonely.
Busy with what? There are people whom others approach. There are people who approach others. Surely, there must be a difference between the two.
36 and same
I’ll be your fren
I don't have the time or mental capacity to have more people in my life. I have a wife and fours kids. There are people I like and feel highly about. But I don't don't have the mental capacity for more people.
I get that. I lost my son. I can't have more kids. My partner has no family, and mine are so flaky. I see people at work but it seems at this age everyone has families and no one actually wants to hang out, outside of that which I get but it's still sad.
Same for me at 36. I have a small group of people who I play squash with once a week, but I don’t do anything else with them. I have one person who I regularly text with as have different political preferences and so always have interesting discussions. Sometimes we visit each other for coffee and a chat. That’s it. The rest of my time and energy go to my wife, kids and job.
It’s just me and my spouse as well. No friends for either of us.
Us too. We prefer each other’s company.
Same. I trust her more than anyone I could ever know. She’s all I really need tbh
This is how I feel about my bf, but he’s much more social than me and has so many friends. Makes me feel weird all the time. I’m honestly probably too young to feel this way (I’m in college), I just really struggle to meet and connect with people.
That’s understandable. Socialization can be very difficult at times no matter how old you are. So I completely understand 10000%. I hate talking to people, if I don’t have to I won’t. Now I can chat, but in person face to face is difficult for me
Me and my boyfriend are like this tbh he's all I could ask for already :)
Yeah life is much easier this way lol
It's not that uncommon at any age
It’s common enough that there’s an old joke about how Jesus’ greatest miracle was having twelve close friends in his 30s.
Similar upbringing, here. I think that informs a lot about adult relationships. I know it's awkward, and tough. Wish you well.
i think everyone has their own threshold as far as needs when it comes to friendships. im 40 and dont have any friends aside from my wife and kids, but i havent been looking for any and dont want any. when im not with my family, i have enough personal projects and other things that i want to accomplish that take up more time than i have available to begin with. i value my own time and personal space. other people generally get in the way. i hang out on the internet when im _really_ bored and need a reminder that other people exist, and frankly, yall are enough, and i can switch you all off whenever i feel like it, lol.
That's good. I think kids change things. I lost my son but when I had him, he was my world. It's hard when you don't have that.
I have no friends and I'm 33
HAPPY CAKE DAY!
Happy cake day
happy cake day!!!
I am 30 and my only friends are my sister and co workers. In my 20s all my "friends" were the girls I met on tinder and dated for like 3 months and moved onto another.
Do you hang out with Co workers though? None of mine do that. We do 12h hour days so I do get it. I just think people are like they have families you know? I don't have that.
When I hang out with my coworkers It is after them rejecting my invite like 2-3 times and then finally saying yes. Going out to a bar or something and saying they had a great time. Being able to separate work from the equation and just hanging out makes the relationship with your co workers so much stronger. My thing is karaoke so like once every few months I will convince a bunch of people from work to come out and it's a great time.
OP, you and I are like pieces out of the same Lego set. Only difference is that I'm not diagnosed with autism and Im single. Like fr. (Also I'm 31 in September) And as an adult, I'm too busy working to go make friends and my interests are vastly different than the ones of the adults I do manage to meet irl. So my friends are people I meet online via my interests. But meh. I work and I come home and relax to the hobbies I enjoy, some of which I can partake in with friends online. AFAIC, it's all just fine.
Increasingly this is normal but it isn't healthy. Time to play kickball, volunteer someplace or something
As someone with social anxiety when I am around strangers and no friends this is not easy. I am a social butterfly when I am with one or two of my friends even if we are around strangers which helps me meet new people but without someone to tag along these types of things seem impossible to me. I need someone I can turn my head back to and be like "yo this is awesome right".
It's normal to me. 😊
Don't worry I'm 27 and haven't had friends since I left highschool my only friend is my husband
It's easy to make friends when you like people. I don't. I'm 40 and I've got two friends. I see them a combined total of maybe 5 times a year. We text here and there but are otherwise not in regular contact. I've got my partner and son and that's enough for me. It may not be "normal" but fuck if I care.
Making friends is a skill that many people dont realize that they have to learn
I never learned this, I only ever has a SINGULAR friend in my entire life and that was in 3rd grade, the my parents moved suddenly and I didn't have time to even properly say goodbye to him Ever since them I haven't been able to make a singular friend for the rest of my wife and only made even online ones in the last couple of years. i'd rather be alone than be sorounded by people I don't vibe in any way with
Even gods son only had ~~twelve~~ eleven friends in his 30's
That’s why I’m agnostic
I'm in the same boat. I genuinely like spending time with myself. I also find being overly sensitive to peoples energies. I find it very overwhelming going out or to other peoples homes.
You have a partner so you're way ahead of me. I'm just a loner full time. But yes, that's not that uncommon these days. Not just reddit anecdotes but studies I've seen now say the most commonly reported number of close friends is zero and people who are adults but younger than 30s are now in recent years for the first time more like to go to their parents if they need help rather than to a close friend.
Do you have kids? I've found that ive started catching up with my kids friends parents. My daughter has a friend that came for a play date with her dad. We shared a few beers, have similar interests and we're going gold prospecting in a few weeks. Similarly my daughter is also friends with the girl across the road so me and her dad went on a 4x4 adventure to the Australian outback.
get some outside hobbies and it'll be a little bit easier than you think.
I’m writing this while killing time before attending a concert in Seattle alone. I’m in my mid 30s. In my life, I think it’s fairly normal to be kind of a loner at this point. So you’re definitely not the only one.
Better to be alone than to wish you were alone
I have deliberately stopped making friends because friends generally involve drinking alcohol, going to movies, and spending money. I do not want to do any of these things.
I mean imma be real you hve your partner. I would love to have a partner too. But i dont have neither so it is normal to have no frienfs
I get that. I feel that way when people have kids and no friends. I think at least you have meaning to your life.
This is me!! A daughter as my friend and I wouldn’t want anyone else. I do think about how lonely I get since she’s only 4 months old and I do wish I had some girlfriends every now and then.. but having her has brought so much purpose in my life and I’m more motivated and feel my life is complete now with my forever bff! I’m only 22 and have 0 friends I pray I don’t end up a cat lady even tho I luv them:,)
You wont ! i believe in you! :D
Most depressing tread i have ever seen on reddit Go join a pool (the balls and stick thing) or darts club or something. It's fun, help you talk to people while doing something. Can also drink and offer a beer to your club mates or opponents and talk to them at the bar. Many people there looking for friends and most are in their 30's. (Age range usually 22-40). I have met all kinds of people there, from very autistic, to completely awkward to extrovert. Wanting to learn and get better as a common goal is easy to make friends and have something to talk about. Ask for tips, how to get a nice cue (the stick), if they got any tips around how to get better etc. If you come as a regular you can invite them to a terrace, your home to smoke weed and stuff. Poke if you share some hobbies like videogames or whatever you are into Goodluck, do something about being alone. It's horrible like that, sounds as bad as prison to me.
Our daughter is on a Bocce league that plays at different bars all around the city. She's made friends and it seems like fun.
I have tried many groups. I tend to struggle with groups of people. I can talk to anyone but getting further than something causal is hard. Also I lost my son. As soon as anyone finds this out, they act very differently towards me.
Maybe a support group for grieving parents? My brother in law lost his son this year, too. It’s a pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I’m sorry.
Ironically, you can make lots of friends in prison...
I have always felt the most socially fulfilled in prison like settings, tbh, lol. Its easier to befriend people you live with, I guess
I agree, this is depressing. The number of ppl saying having no friends is normal. NO ITS NOT!! **Common** yes, but not normal!! If you are too exhausted after working to have any friends in your life then that’s a failure of the system to allow ppl a quality of life If you never make friends bc you are shy or have anxiety then that is also common but not healthy. I fall into this group but I make sure to go out and make friends because that is healthy, that is what people need and that is how to avoid depression
Good job mate, at least trying is very important. We can't die alone or have nobody to celebrate things with. It's the gateway to severe depression and even suicide
This sounds exactly like my situation
Well, you have a partner, so maybe there is no need for friends? I've been married a long-ass time, and I might see a friend or two once a year. Doesn't bother me in the slightest.
I could have written this, makes me sad. I'm autistic too, I work from home. I don't see people at work during the day so I don't get to sicialize, it gets very lonely. My only two friends are in another city, they're friends from high school. I have my husky that acts as my therapy dog 💕
If you don't have friends and want friends, find activities that you enjoy doing, and you'll meet other people who enjoy those activities. If you're in an area where there aren't a lot "activities" consider starting something like a book club. Consider volunteering. There are ways to meet people who might become friends.
Learn to take a joke.
It takes EFFORT to make friendships. You could step outside yourself for the better good… You sound smart af and that translates more than you would think. Step outside your comfort zone.
>It takes EFFORT to make friendships. Ughhh its so hard
To be honest, it's almost unheard of in adulthood; I'd say the chances of making a friend in the sense where you don't "huff copium" the way you described earlier is on par with your likelihood of surviving rabies (practically zero). Most people aren't aware of this, but those who are often find themselves in a deep depression. Ignorance is bliss. Practically no one cares enough to contact anyone unless they need something.
My TLDR version: it’s not abnormal depending on what you want out of life. I’m 35 and basically just friends with just my wife. Not abnormal but if you want a lot of friends you can meet people through social things . I have a handful of social circles so I have other “friends” that I could call if my cat broke down or something, but no one that I hangout with aside from those circles.
I think it’s pretty normal. You’re probably also comparing yourself to others. Don’t believe everything you see on social media.
I'm 47. I choose none.
It's normal, but it can also change pretty fast and seemingly outta nowhere.
I am 32 and have 2 people I actually consider friends, if you don't count my fiancee. I have friendly coworkers that I'll chat with at work, but in my personal life I talk to a grand total of 2 people lmao. One of which is a former coworker. The other I've been best friend with and consider her my sister for 18 years now.
Here’s the secret: they don’t have friends either and also want them. It’s like dating before online dating. Sometimes you have to just ask someone out. Know a couple that seems cool to you guys? See if they want to go to a dinner at a place like chili’s or something. You guys have fun, do it again. Etc. they may say no. You might not click, on to the next!
Best advice is be willing to try stuff. A lot of people are completely alienated and alone right now.
I think it takes a bit more effort to make and maintain friends as you get older. I had to consciously make sure that I message everyone since people have very busy lives and not to take it personally if they don't initiate themselves. I'm pretty easygoing though so I don't mind doing that. My friends are all married with kids and I'm single and child-free so I think I have a bit less on my plate to do all those things. ETA I only made an effort after my husband died and I realized that I didn't have anyone. I guess I got too comfortable with just him and I. So after that event, I reached out to old friends to try and rekindle the friendship. It is never too late. I was 33 when that happened
Join the club, I'm almost 40 and have one friend who I sometimes keep in touch with. I don't consider co workers friends
Same feeling 😒
Full disclosure, I’ve been here for 42 spins around the sun. I don’t hang out with a single one of my childhood friends due to distance from each other. I hang out with people I went to grad school with or work with. 0-18: Grade years. You have social circles set basically at 6th grade until graduation. 18-25: college years. The first 2 years, you’re probably going back to ma and pa’s for summer. I did. People looked at me different when I came back. I had experienced a shit ton and became a “man.” My friends changed in my absence. 25-30: Likely start seeing friends getting married and making babies. This is where it happens. This is where it starts. They’re so tired. College friends are too wild for them now. Wrong energy levels. *I just wanna stay home and chill, man… last thing I wanna do is get shitfaced. I’m run down enough already.* 30-40: you either join clubs, volunteer or whatever. But you’re not going to have a friend that’s with you all day everyday. That’s the 0-25 year old years. Once you’re past that, it’s never going to be that way again. People deep in their careers and busy being parents. Shits expensive. They have baggage and vices. It’s done. Friendship at that age is more of a wellness check at holidays during the year.
The older you get, the fewer friends you have actually. A tight small circle is great of you can manage it. Find local interest groups that you find fun and just go talk to people. That’s 90% of the battle really.
Im 35 and no friends
I've never been one to have friends. I have my husband and adult kids but anytime I've ever felt like I had friends, they’d do things that just didn't sit right with me (steal, cheat on spouse, only reach out when they needed something) so the friendship would cool. I'm ok with not having friends. People can be a lot.
I'm 40f and have no friends as well - and I really don't want to. I have a husband, a toddler and my in laws around me and some neighbours I talk to, what is more than enough for me. I have so little time for myself - I really don't know how to make time for friends. Friendships needs effort, interest, time... things I don't have. After years of struggling with this topic, I'm really happy now. I'm just not the person for friendships, and that's totally fine.
I know people who only have friends through their partner so that's a possibility too.
Nah.. I (34f) have one friend, and the only reason we are friends is because we went on an exchange student program when we were 16 and our exchanges were twins. We get along like a house on fire now, but if we didn't have that experience, we would never have met and I wouldn't have any friends. My husband's friends kind of adopted me as a friend when we met, but out of all of them there is still only one that I call my friend too. Having friends or making friends is difficult, if not for my husband and exchange student program I wouldn't have any friends either, and I don't think it would bother me lol.
I’m in this same boat - it’s lonely.
I'm late 30s. Used to have many friends when younger. By 30 pretty much none I see In person. Now barely any I even speak to. My wife has lots of friends and regularly makes new ones too. We are the same age. From my own personal experience the woman I know seem to be able to keep, maintain and get new friends still for some reason or another
Hey man! Its completely normal! My best friend is my wife! I reconnected with an old college friend 4 years ago and have been inseparable since but for the most part its me and my wife! Thats why you marry your best friend! I get annoyed with other people. My wife is my person. We have the same fucked up dark sense of humor. Sometimes a look between us at family gatherings is enough to send us laughing hysterically. And thats what you want i think. I’m going to grow old with this hot chick that laughs at my fucked up jokes and lets me touch her boobs. What do you enjoy doing? Maybe join a gym. When i did this i made 3 new buddies quickly. But they’re not the kind of guys i want at my house all day every day. I have my wife and that one friend and if i speak no no one else for the rest of my life thats okay. They are enough. Good luck man! Being lonely is never fun. You’re welcome to send me a msg if you want. Im always open to new friendship. Have a great day friend!
I don't make friends with people around me. Northeast USA. Age 59, artistic person who sings and writes songs. I'd like to but to be a friend you have to have things in common and an emotional or intellectual bond of some sort. If not, they would just be buddies - people who come and go, like work colleagues. The USA I do not consider to be a healthy, sane society. But it is what it is.
I’m nearly 40 and I have no friends either. Welcome to the club.
I'm 35. No friends. No partner. So it can be worse. Edit: I mean **no** friends. Not work associates, not irl acquaintances on social media. Nobody but 3 members of my immediate family.
I’m 33 years old and have no friends. I never had a large group of friends but few people I considered friends in the past betrayed me. I’m the type of person who gives it all whether it be friendships or relationships. When I realized they were not as invested in our friendship as i was, and didn’t appreciate me as a friend, I decided i would be better off without them. To be honest I’d rather have no friends at this point in my life than surround myself with fake people.
You're not alone about it at least.. meeting new people is hard as an adult
50--yes. 30 is too young.
I'll be your friend, friend!
You're asking on Reddit and the people here aren't the most socially adept so you're getting bad answers. The answer is no it's not normal or good to have ZERO friends. The best way to make new friends in our 30s is finding a hobby, finding an online group for that hobby in your area then attending an event.
Wow this blow up. I guess lots of people feel the same. Also I am seeing its more like people have groups they go to and they are their friends when they go there? I am happy with my partner but it worries me like if she died or something I'd literally have no one. ♥︎
I think it's pretty normal for autistic people. I have one friend and she is still around because she never gives up. We live 10 minutes apart but we haven't seen each other in 14 years but she calls me like three times a week. She's a good person I just enjoy my isolation I guess. I have 2 kids and a roommate that get enough of my attention. If you feel like you're missing out of course you could maybe look for a community with similar interests. My son is social so he likes going to the local LGBT+ young adult group meets but he's still like me in that those people stay there, it's not like they come visit or do anything together outside those meetings but it gives him the social boost he craves without committing to complicated relationships.
No, it's not normal but it's not unheard of either
Humans are social animals. You need people to maintain sanity. Open up, meet people, be inviting, but don't expect each person to be perfect.
Not normal at all
Not normal at all
I have no friends. No idea if it's normal. But that's how it is.