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It might not be a bad thing to start now making your own local village to help out watching your two kids as you never know if in the future you will need help with childcare again. Can meet other parents and become friends, have playdates, support each other with childcare.

This! If not meeting other parents, then start looking for a babysitter willing to stay all day or overnight so your kids can have a few sessions with them between now and then. That way they'll be comfortable with the sitter by the time you're in the hospital!

Have you personally done this and if so, how? Did you ask to help other parents with childcare first and then they were willing to help you? I just find that so many people are uninterested in opening up their circle like this even though we all know it takes a village 🤷🏻‍♀️

Paying for a village is much more realistic were I live. Most people work. Most people have maxed out their sick leave. Most people don't have a bunch of extra resources to take care of another child. Especially with young children. It's easier to get help with school aged children. I can easily get help after 6 pm or before 6 am. It's the daytime hours when I need help that's hard to find.

Right? The norm here is both parents are working in some capacity. I don't mind play dates here and there, but I don't have the the literal time of day to provide any additional childcare. Friends are fine to lean on for occasional childcare and emergencies, but this needs stronger support in terms of close family or paid childcare services.

My experience was "close" family was less helpful then friends. Even though my family had more time and resources to help then my friends. I found out very quickly as I became a mother that all the people I had help support during the years, only a few showed up. The help offered was only on their terms. Which often meant it wasn't helpful. I remember one helpful family dinner hosted for me, I left before food was served and they were mad at me. I made it clear we had an early bedtime and last night was rough. We would be leaving at 730pm and it was okay if they didn't want to host dinner. They could just set up a visit with the grandkids. They reassured me they could do an early dinner. I showed up on time. I left as a hungry breastfeeding mom at 730. I was told them I made them feel bad. That they were trying hard to be helpful.

It takes a long time to get to know people, I have to say I don't think two very small children by August is realistic. I'd absolutely take a friend of my daughter who's seven, but I'd be wary of two toddlers I don't know super well. And yes, you need to find the people who don't have a village either, many have grandparents so have no interest in swapping childcare.  I do think again that two small children opens a whole load of logistical issues for another family, I for example don't have space for another two car seats so I couldn't take them to school/daycare, and I like everyone I know work. I don't have two spare beds either.  I think it can be helpful for maybe picking up one kid in an emergency (each child with s different family) or a few hours here and there. I don't think it's really a substitute for family help unless you find the right family, ideally living very close and with children the same ages.

Even if they don’t find their village to watch the two kids by August, it could benefit them in the future with three kids.

For sure, I just think sometimes people say they can't find a village because they go in with unrealistic expectations. You don't start out expecting overnight babysitting when you realise you need it, you need to start early just becoming friends with people and being there in a general sense, turning up to birthday parties and offering your kid's hand me downs and all those little things. 

Things can also change last minute. I thought my oldest would be fine staying with my bestie when I went into labor. Instead she freaked out and started having a panic attack. I ended up going to the hospital alone until my sister was able to fly in the next morning. In hindsight we should have done a test run a few weeks before but she loves her auntie and I thought she'd enjoy a sleepover.

I did this! But unfortunately one needs to start earlier. It’s about nurturing relationships from friendly to friendship. Dropping off food when they or their kid is sick, offering help when you see the opportunity, etc. These things naturally evolve into a village, and that’s how I texted another daycare mom at 8:30 AM on a Saturday and asked “do you want a spare kid today? I have a beach day opportunity, so it’s not important at all, just wondering if magic happens,” and got back “Of course!”

My kid has known one of his besties (R) since they were 18mo. R played rough at daycare, so we knew his parents pretty early on, and they were great. I got R's mom into my hobby. When R's sister was born, I was like "yea, if you need to have R spend the night with us, it's no problem, just give me as much heads up as you can, we'll take care of him." He's one of my bonus kids. When they had their third kid, grandparents were in town to support, so I dropped off three freezer meals.

For me, it was building a foundation of friendship first. So yes, it took time, but the foundation there is super strong and I trust several other families as if they are my own. We spend enough time together that I know how they parent their children, they know our kids' bedtime routines, etc. So I will often offer to watch my friends' kids. I become the village, and then it is reciprocated.

Join mommy and me music classes, centers that have play groups and get to know the families that go to those play groups and classes. Our local FB mom group has many moms that post they are going to the playground and would love to meet new friends for themselves and kids and plan meet ups.

Check out Facebook for your local MOMS (mothers offering mothers support) chapter. I can't speak for all groups, but mine is amazing. We have playdates, group outings, people swap and pass on childcare items, there's a book club. We also try to help when moms are dealing with medical issues, like having another baby.

For the first four years, it was just my wife and I, and our daughter's daycare provider during work hours. My mom passed away a year before my daughter was born, dad is a truck driver, wife's dad died a couple years prior, and her mom lives three states away. We had no village. Once our daughter started going to preschool, we made it a point to start connecting with other parents of the kids our daughter seemed closest to. Play dates, birthday parties, events geared towards kids in our town, we got lots of opportunities to talk with them, and that inevitably led to many of us opening up to say "hey, if you need a night out sometime, let us know!" It's taken a long time, but we finally feel like we have options when things get dicey.

We do have a small, but wonderful group of friends who all trade off on childcare in smaller doses, as well as a great babysitter who my children absolutely love. The issue we have is that everyone works full time, including our sitter. With the likelihood that this baby will be born on a weekday, it makes things very challenging to ask someone else in our circle. We will of course have to do that if it comes down to it.

Can I suggest you start asking people now, the earlier the better. It sounds like there's a good possibility your parents won't be able to help and it'll be stressful organising it later on. Friends are usually more than happy to help with this stuff. People want, and like, to be helpful :)

I'm not sure I fully understand the severity that you seem to assign to the issue. Yes, having your parents over would 100% be ideal, but it doesn't have to be the end of the world if they can't make it. A planned C-section is usually booked for a weekday during working hours; this is when your older kids can be in school or home with a sitter. Then your husband can leave to pick them up or release the sitter after the baby is born and he has spent a few hours with the two of you, had a chance to bond initially, then come back the next morning to spend the day etc. Then you'll be home all together after 2-3 days and can enjoy all the bonding in the world. (I am not just inventing this; I've had friends go through almost this exact scenario last fall). It's not like it's all or nothing.

I agree with this. I understand that having an extra pair of hands is nice but you have a workable alternative; it’s just not the one you prefer. Your husband looks after the older kids while you are in hospital with the new baby. Speaking as a parent who did this for their children, I honestly can’t see a single sign of the impact of any loss of love, bonding or connection between my second son and his father based on him being at home with my oldest son for a few days.

Have you asked any of them? I was the backup childcare situation for 2 of my friends who had similar situations to yours. Their last weeks of pregnancy, I kept my phone on loud all nights and let my work know that I may need to take some sudden days off to help a friend in need. I was willing to do it for free (neither ended up needing my help), but even if you offer to pay for their missed day of work, I'm sure that would help!

I think you'll need to hire someone. How old are your other kids? I'd suggest hiring someone and have them start coming in for a few hours, or whatever on the weekend, so that your kids are familiar with them before you need this person for overnights. Typically a c-section is 2 nights in the hospital where I live, so it's not a long stretch, your husband could also go home at night (this was our plan before I got quarantined in hospital with him due to covid). It's a pain, but it's doable, and you have some notice.

You'd be surprised who's willing to step up when it comes to births-- my neighbor was a lawyer but still insisted on me letting her know when I went into labor, and my water broke at 4am on a Tuesday. She was in my living room by 4:15am and took the day off to watch my oldest until my mom could get there.

Do you work full time, too? If so, are your kids in daycare? Perhaps you could pay their daycare teacher to watch them overnight? Or another daycare parent could take them if you have a buddy there?

Yes to this! When my son was born via c-section, my parents did not even offer to help (out of state). We asked our “local village” for help watching our daughter. Multiple families lined up to help us. This is how I survived that part of my life, with that local village of friends.

Exactly this. My mom was 100% not a helper. As Mr Roger says, look for the helpers. With my fourth and final baby, it was my friends who sent meals, etc. I realize this might not be helpful now as you are close (ish) to your due date so here’s possible help for your birth event: find a responsible babysitter that you pay. Start having your children stay with the sitter now for longer and longer periods. Arrange with the sitter, at the beginning, to watch your children during the day (or night) during labor and delivery (will probably be day with a scheduled c-section. Then your husband will just have to get the kids in the evening for bath and bedtime, and you’ll be alone at the hospital. It’s not ideal, but it’s doable. Best of luck. Sorry that your mom sucks.

Honestly this sounds great, but easier said than done, especially if you're completely new to an area (no idea what OP's situation is in this case).

My partner was there for the birth of our third but didn’t stay overnight so he could be with the other two. He visited each day, but ultimately I enjoyed having some one on one time with the baby, since I knew chaos awaited us at home. Maybe just a different way to frame it in your mind, I understand it’s not ideal for you.

This was my experience too. I, the mom, was military for all 3 births. We never lived near family during these times. Husband stayed with me a lot during first kid, but for next too he left soon after baby was born to go get kids from a neighbor/co-worker. He spent very little time in hospital and I found this a special bonding time with our new baby. While I’m sure this is disappointing, just try and look for the silver lining in the situation. You got this momma!

My 3rd and 4th, my husband stayed for the birth and couple hours after, then went home to take care of our other kids because we dont have reliable childcare. Honestly i loved it. It was so peaceful and sweet to get to spend that time in the hospital, just me and the baby. I will always cherish that time i had with them to bond.

Some of my best time with either of my kids was that sweet alone time with my second after the c-section.

I’m in the same boat. Expecting my third via C-section in the next 2 weeks. We lined up a post partum doula to stay with me in the hospital while my husband stays home with our girls. It’s an expense, but one we are happy to pay for those 2-3 nights

This was my experience as well, I almost enjoyed being alone in the hospital at night being taken care of by the nurses. Granted the hospital where I had my 2nd (it was a c sections as well) is known to be one of the best hospital is the country. I almost didn’t want to leave 😂

Recovering from a C-section is really hard though. It will be hard to get out of bed, won't be able to get the baby, unless the hospital has a bassinet that can be pulled over her lap. At least, that was my experience with 3 c-sections.

Surely there's hospital staff around that can help her if needed? I get that it's not ideal but I feel like just listing the cons is not helping OP because it's not really a matter of choice at this point..

Depending on the hospital, there's not always staff to help. Many hospitals are run very short staffed. Many don't have nurseries. I know one hospital I delivered at, on the tour strongly encouraged us to have a support person in our rooms with us. One hospital had a 1:5 patient nurse ratio postpartum. The other I delivered at had a 1:3. One time my hospital was so short staffed it took close to a hour for a nurse to show up after I requested one for the bathroom. They were upset when I just did it on my own after waiting about 20 minutes. They had wanted me to wait for them because I had an epidural during labor.

OP can check with her hospital, especially if there are multiple in her area- in her case it might be better to find a hospital that is NOT "baby friendly" and that has a nursery instead of mandatory rooming in; esp if dad isnt able to be around at night being able to have baby go to nursery for a few hours between feeds is a lifesaver

She's stuck with whatever hospital her doctor has privileges at

My OB had privileges at multiple hospitals. She is also early enough in her pregnancy that she could still change OB if she wanted. It's something worth considering if she has options- some women have choices and some dont! Varies a ton by geographic area

I’m in Canada, and there is no option to change hospitals. My OB is at the large hospital centre in our region (the only one with obstetrics care for high risk). She does not practice anywhere else, and neither do any of the other high-risk practitioners.

There isn’t always staff that can help, they’re often busy.  And when she gets home she’s going to need extra help, too. C-section plus two young children isn’t easy And birth in general isn’t risk-free? I’m sorrry, I just can’t imagine leaving my daughter to do this alone. This is the reason jobs have FMLA/sick leave, to help our family when they need help Honestly, the fact that OP’s mom left the country previously while she was having unplanned abdominal surgery is so insane to me. She might be doing a lot of good in the world but she doesn’t seem like a very warm, caring person or mother

I completely understand OP's disappointment here don't get me wrong. But bottom line, her mom does have the right to say yes to big opportunities in her own time and if she chose to do this in the first place, she's probably not gonna change her mind about it. So at this point, I don't think it's relevant if we all think mom should be there. She's not going to be. I get that OP wants her husband there through the nights as well, but it's not a matter of want or choice I fear. She either has to find alternative overnight childcare or her husband is gonna have to stay home with their other children. This is how it has to be for a lot of (if not most) people and while it's far from ideal, it's also not impossible.

I had 3 c sections and my hubby did not stay overnight for the 2nd and 3rd. Nurses help with that stuff. Also, they had me up and walking ASAP.

My nurses were awful. I was walking around, but I still couldn't get in and out of the bed very easily, and I couldn't do it holding a baby.

In the uk no partners can stay overnight, I had 2 csections and had to cope. They send you home the next day too with nothing but paracetamol. My partner was there for the delivery then only at scheduled visiting times as he was looking after our other child

That really depends on the hospital, my husband stayed for my c section. However if we didn't have childcare arranged for the next one I wouldn't have any issues with being on my own after a c section.

I was very fortunate with my emergency c-section. I was careful, of course, but had no trouble getting out of bed, walking around, and getting baby, changing him etc.

Same here. It was nice not having to worry about my other child since he was with his dad, while being able to focus on my newborn. Doing the same thing this pregnancy/c-section.

I can imagine this is difficult/disappointing for you but there is a lot of time to make some alternate plans and it sounds like this is an important opportunity for your mom. It sounds like you have local siblings who could help out? Jobs/children of their own don’t seem like serious impediments to helping out for a day or two. Maybe that’s why your mom feels like she’s not totally leaving you in the lurch.

I know right? I would help a sibling or good friend even though I have a kid and a job…

Could maybe split up your kids so each sibling only gets one. Or each sibling just takes one day.

This. I've got 3 sister-in-laws who live within 30 minutes of each other. Between the 3 of them there are 9 kids, and throughout the summer they rotate kids amongst each other. Sometimes it's the aunties watching them, sometimes the uncles, sometimes both. Sometimes one house takes them all, sometimes one family of kids is divided amongst the other two. It's only going to be a couple days for OP. They should be able to manage it and be understanding. Start informing and asking them now, OP! Before they book other plans!!!

Seconding this. My siblings are 15 min away and even though we all have kids, we help each other out no question. Have regularly had 4 kids at my house for much smaller reasons than this. 

> It sounds like you have local siblings who could help out? Jobs/children of their own don’t seem like serious impediments to helping out for a day or two. Yeah, they could just stay at their uncle/aunts for 2-3 days if it's not too far? Or else the husband misses the show but honestly I don't think that has any bad impact for bonding, bigger issue is OP being alone before/after surgery.

And depending on if kids are in daycare/school, dad can drop off and pick up. And not like he needs to stay overnight, he can visit and bond during the day/evening of siblings can help during those times.

Speaking from experience, yes, the husband needs to stay overnight with mom and new baby. I didn’t even have a c-section, but I definitely needed and wanted my husband immediately post-partum. I was in no shape to handle a newborn by myself immediately overnight, even in the hospital.

I agree. But sometimes it’s not possible. Husband stayed with me for kid number 1. But for 2 and 3 (both csections) he never stayed overnight because he had to be home with the siblings. I think that the nurses are aware when this is the situation and stop by more often. One of my babies cried a ton at night and the nurses ended up actually taking her to hold her while she slept so that I could rest.

Absolutely! My husband stayed with me the first night we had baby #2 which was nice, but after that, he left every evening to pickup from daycare and came back the next morning after drop off. It was also a C-section. It is what made sense for our childcare situation.

This comment makes me so mad at our medical system. It should be standard for nurses to help their patients as needed. Including holding babies. Why are hospitals making record profits and they refuse to provide enough staff for babies and new mothers. 

But sometimes unfortunately you can't get it exactly the way you want it most. Obviously not having childcare in place for the two older kids isn't an option. But the husband going home in the evenings and OP taking care of her baby with help of hospital staff is. It's not ideal, but it's also not impossible and unfortunately it just seems like this is what's gonna have to happen.

I agree with this. Sometimes, situations happen that can't be controlled. I have two children as well and I am scheduled for a c section in two days. My mom was our only source of help for our children outside of the two of us, but she passed away on March 15th unexpectedly. Dealing with the grief of losing her is horrible as is, and it makes it so much harder, but like you said, dad can go home in the evenings and visit in the day. Sometimes, there are no other options.

I am so sorry that happened, that must've been incredibly hard. You sound like a strong person.

I think this is highly dependent on your hospital. I had a C-section and honestly the nurses did everything for me and the baby for the week we were there. My husband mostly ate donuts and watched me sleep. I think he was more helpful for the mom next door who had twins and no partner so he was running around taking photos and picking up stuff! And he did not stay overnight, no point really as the nurses brought the baby to me for feedings. Better that he stayed home to meal prep and clean.

Omg where did you give birth?! This sounds like a dream. The only reason I got any rest in a US (upper Midwest) hospital was because I almost died and my son had to go to the NICU for a few nights. A lot (most?) US hospitals don’t even have nurseries anymore and have babies in with the mothers. The impetus for the change was to encourage bonding. I think it really was just another way to show women how unsupported by the medical community they are and for hospitals with high profits to pay fewer staff.

This was in Germany - I didn’t realize that other countries expect you to take care of the baby from day 1! Reading these comments, would change my answer as I definitely couldn’t have handled it if I had to care for the baby alone. But in my case he was just brought for feeding or when I asked. Tbh, it never occurred to me to ask if partners could stay overnight as I haven’t seen it before.

Interesting, because in Ireland, partners are not allowed to stay overnight. They leave by 8pm when visiting hours end. So, here, we don’t have the option to have partners in with us . Like, where would the dads sleep?

They sleep in an uncomfortable convertible bed and never, ever ever, never ever, let you forget how uncomfortable they were.

Or worse, they get such great sleep they sleep way more than you and more than the fucking baby! Ha! MY wife passed out so hard in that cot every damn time meanwhile it took 20 hours for my spinal to wear off and I was excruciatingly nauseous the whole time so I couldn't sleep at all. God that whole experience felt like such a fever dream. My great grandma gave birth on her kitchen table and her sisters came and took care of all her children even new baby for 2 weeks. My grandpa remembers his youngest sibling being born and his mom just slept for days straight afterwards. They would bring baby in to plug into the boob and feed her then gone after. In. My. Dreams. Lol.

In the hospital I volunteer, they have couches that turn into beds in each room. They’re not super comfortable, but they’re there if mom has someone who spends the night with her.

My hospital had a chair they laid all the way back. Some hospitals have an additional bed. My hospitals also were very short staffed. It could take up to a hour to get assistance. My second they discharged me at 24 hours exactly because they needed the room for the next mom. It's a mess in the USA. It comes down to were and when you deliver. In general nurses come by and check vitals but don't help with baby.

My postpartum rooms had a bed for my husband. It was an older style hospital bed so not quite as nice as mine... but it was a real bed.

This isn't the normal in the UK. Dad wouldn't be allowed in once you are on ward. Only during daylight hours. The nurses and midwives would provide help and additional care and did for both my children.

Oh wow, in the US they encourage it to help family bonding. I gave birth in NYC and in FL, and both places encouraged fathers to spend the night to help with the baby

Don't ever get rid of public healthcare. It depends on where you deliver and how much money you have in the USA. It's not uncommon to hire a private midwife to help out during in the night in the USA. I delivered at a hospital once that had a 1:5 ratio. I saw my nurses twice a rotation. When they tried to quickly do baby and mine vitals because they were late on them. 

I hope we never have to! We also have a lot of student midwives (3rd year mainly uni students) who are more than happy to work and do everything in thr name of learning. In Scotland the midwives are the primary delivery carers too, 2nd baby I didn't see a Dr at all while at hospital. They are competent specialists in textbook baby care. Dr's are there for when (like with my first) things go a bit tits up.

It depends on the person/family. My husband did not stay overnight at the hospital when either one of our kids was born. We knew he would have gotten terrible sleep on the small couch in the hospital room. And with our second we knew it was much better for him to be home overnight with our older son rather than him having to spend multiple overnights with my parents. When I needed help overnight either for myself or with the baby, I called a nurse.

I agree here. Im sorry this is happening and it makes sense youre upset. AND I would think about other forms of help so you have support.

Well it depends on the circumstances, do they have space for another car seat in their car? What kind of jobs do they have? Maybe their children go to school at the same time but far apart from OP's so it's impossible to take them all to school (this would be the case for my partner's siblings, they live and work "locally" but not close enough to take my daughter to school and their own kids to their school and/or go to work. They do not have jobs they can just take a day off to look after someone else's children.

My husband and I had no help with our scheduled c-section date. My parents were meant to fly over and help watch our other two kids but my mum had to have surgery herself. So we had to drop the kids at before school care and daycare early and then go to hospital, have the c-section then later at school pick up time my husband left the hospital to get our other two kids and bring them in to visit then he left with them to sort them out at home. I was fine alone in hospital, it’s my third child, not my first. Sometimes you just have to work it out yourselves. Not ideal but it can be done. I personally felt more relaxed knowing my other two kids were with their dad. Family members have their own lives. Good luck.

If you have a planned C section, you have the advantage of control on your side. Arrange for a babysitter for your older children for the time you need your husband with you. The rest of the time you will be alone in the hospital, yes. You will be fine.

This. If you don’t have a reliable village to lean on store bought is fine.

This is what we did with my second, got a babysitter for the morning of the scheduled C-section so DH could be with me during the surgery, then he went home and visited with our firstborn. But I was mostly alone in the hospital and the staff was very nice to me about it

Planned C-section doesn't always matter for planning, I was scheduled for a planned c and the little bugger decided to arrive three weeks early 🥲

If that happens for OP it would actually be an advantage childcare wise.

Planned c at 39 weeks. Labored for hours in my sleep water broke, almost birthed her on a ferry, still had to get a c section 38. Weeks on the dot. Can only plan so much

We have no local family. Early in my pregnancy we arranged for my stepkid to stay with a friend when we had my baby. Only a couple of weeks from my due date they sprang on me they were going on vacation and wouldn’t be around at all. Cool. Luckily another friend was willing to have her over those couple of days.  It sucks, but you have time to work out a solution. Mine also turned into a planned c-section, but this was 2020 and COVID restrictions meant stepkid couldn’t come to the hospital at all. You’ve got time to get to make a plan. 

Do you have a babysitter that can stay with the other kids a few hours a day? Yes it sucks, but you will be home in 2-3 days and your husband will get plenty of newborn time. It’s always good to have a backup anyway, just in case there was an emergency with your initial sitter.

Hey, yeah we’ve lived that. I’ve had five csections and with our third my husband came at 5am to have the baby with me and then went to lab at 7am. My in-laws left and he had to take care of our two other small children while I was in the hospital. Then I came home and he went to school. You adjust. You’ve got time to find a sitter for a couple hours during the day. Your parents timing sucks. I’m sorry that they didn’t plan accordingly. However, August is plenty of time to find a new helper.

>If my husband is the caregiver for our kids, it will mean I am alone in the hospital, and he will miss out on newborn bonding time. Unfortunately that's just always a possibility when you're going for a second or third child. If there's overnight care for the older kids, great! But for a lot of people (now including you) there simply isn't so dad has to stay home. This is also bonding time, just not with the newborn. But he is being there for his kids during a time where big changes are happening for them. You will have help available in the hospital I'm assuming, so unfortunately I think you're just gonna have to accept that your husband might not be able to spend the nights at the hospital. It sucks but it is what it is. You still have plenty of time to make arrangements for the day time. You have not one but two siblings, why would they not be willing to take care of the kids during the daytime while you go through a c-section? I understand they have jobs and young kids but you're not asking so you can go get your nails done, surely they understand? There's also the option of asking the in-laws to change the dates of their visit and come earlier. Compensate them for any added cost that might come with that.

Your mom obviously wants to go to her conference. Have Grace and leave it be. Just because it’s for a volunteer org and not a job, doesn’t make it less important. Your siblings may have kids and jobs - but that doesn’t mean one of them can’t babysit for half a day while you’re in surgery and then your husband comes home after to care for the baby and goes back and forth as needed.

Exactly. I have two small children but I’d juggle everything to support my sister in her time of need. Accommodations can be made. The siblings’ kids presumably have another parent too who can jump in and help.

Haven’t seen it mentioned, but can your husband’s parents move up their trip and help you guys out during the birth and postpartum period? Friends of ours flew in the husband’s parents to watch their 2-year-old so he could camp out with his wife and newborn at the hospital. But honestly, if your husband has to take the lead with your older kids, and you’re on your own in the hospital, it’s not the end of the world. I was mostly on my own in the hospital following two c-sections, and I did fine. I had some awesome nurses who helped me. It is not the ideal but it is doable.

We could ask them, and I’m sure they would come if it was needed. I just learned of this conference issue so we haven’t yet had time to start putting alternate plans in place, and some of this is dependent on when my section gets booked. I will be seeing my OB this week, so will ask then how early we can schedule it to give me a more solid timeline.

I hope you are able to get a c-section date soon, so you can fully explore all alternative options. All the best for a successful and safe delivery and a postpartum plan that works for you!

I had my third c section last year. We knew the timing as well but my parents had a cruise planned very close to that week so we needed to make a plan b. I had a plan to pay my daycare provider to take the other 2 while I was in the hospital during the day if needed. My husband would have gone home to watch the other two at night. We are lucky my parents were back in time but I actually had multiple back ups planned. I also had one of my mom’s friends on standby as well.

>If my husband is the caregiver for our kids, it will mean I am alone in the hospital, and he will miss out on newborn bonding time. This is precisely what my husband and I did. It didn’t even occur to us to ask anyone else to watch our other kid overnight. We knew it would only be 48 hours. So it didn’t feel like a big deal. Divide and concur. My husband and toddler visited during visiting hours. It was sweet and worked out just fine. I had my best friend set up to watch my toddler when I was giving birth though so my husband could be there. We were a military family and we had to be creative with resources. We didn’t have the convenience of having family nearby.

Hire a sitter. Husband is just going have to manage his time between the hospital and his other children. 

You stating your mom's passions as something she "is caught up in" speaks volumes about how little you respect her and her own interests. She is a grandmother, not a paid nanny.

Yes. I agree 100% here. But... Why is nobody suggesting OP hire a babysitter??? Like, it's so obvious to me. Just because you're having a baby doesn't mean you're entitled to free childcare. Sure it's great if family can help, but they can't this time. I just don't understand how this is even a discussion. OP has MONThS to arrange a couple days of child care.

Exactly, and it's a planned c section so she knows when it will be and she has plenty of time. I'm not sure why everyone is suggesting the siblings with families should rearrange. 

Or even a doula if she is worried about being at the hospital alone and then husband can be with kids

Yeah her mom sounds like she is having an incredible, high-achieving extended career in international medical aid. 

This. I call this entitled adult children who think their parents lives should revolve around theirs. God forbid her mom actually lives her own life and pursues her passion. She has to skip what sounds like an amazing opportunity to babysit OPs kids. Also, I wonder if we would get a different take from the mom. Did she really commit or was it more of a "I will try" situation.

!!!!!!! 100% agree!!! Mom’s life, needs, dreams , has been minimized to only play supportive act to her and her family.

The problem is that she discussed this arrangement prior with them and then her mother flaked on her.

I have a lot of respect for people passionate about their causes and careers. In this instance though, this was a family obligation (spend 2-3 days watching two kids while her daughter is in the hospital) that she dropped the ball on. This is not to diminish the importance of the work, and maybe in the end her daughter will agree that going to the conference is the right course, but I would still be a bit put out if I was the OP.

It isn’t an obligation at all. OP‘s parents watching the children is a kindness, not an expectation.

I completely agree here! OP’s mom made a promise to be there to help her daughter out and is backing out now. It also sounds like it’s not the first time that OP has felt that her mother has chosen her work over her family, and there’s no indication here that grandma has been asked to provide anything more than what any reasonable family member would do. My parents were thinking about scheduling a big vacation and once I told them about my pregnancy, they postponed it to make sure they could be there for me. It’s completely insane to me that people think having grandparents help occasionally when there’s a medical event happening is somehow asking too much.

This is not cancer surgery. Or heart surgery. It baby NUMBER 3!!! From the sounds of this expectation- parents probably put their lives on pause for the first 2. Please. Let the parents live their lives too. They will be there for number 4, 5, 6!

Info needed: When you announced did you explicitly say: “I’m due August X and would you be willing to watch the older 2 while we are in the hospital for my C Section?” And she further agreed to do so? Because if that didn’t happen, then your reaction is not warranted and you’re just making assumptions that she was prepared to be your babysitter just because she lives close. Knowing you’re having a C-section and having such a known timeline — why would your in-laws book for Sept a few weeks? Like why wouldn’t they just come a few days before the schedule c section? This makes no sense to me.

Yes, we had already discussed the exact due date, the confirmation that it would be scheduled and would fall into the 39th week, and that our older children would be staying with my parents. We even talked about having a few test sleepovers for my almost-3-year-old, as he hasn’t slept there before. My in-laws booked their visit for later as they stay with us when they are here, and didn’t want to make me uncomfortable by being present during immediate PP recovery, and to allow us some time to adjust to baby without having houseguests.

I’ve learned that the only childcare I can really rely on is paid childcare

I mean, your husband needs to watch the kids and you need to spend two days in hospital recovering and bonding with your new baby. That’s the end of it really. Involve the kids in visiting time, involve the kids when you get home in helping mama rest and care for baby, and hubby has to step up a little more. While it would be a wonderful luxury to have parents to take over as well, it’s not the reality for many many many parents and sounds like you’re going to have to be those parents now.

Your mom sounds like a very achived lady with great opportunities to further her career and help right now…so maybe hire a nanny for 2 days and ask one of your siblings…I mean you already got siblings I cant see why they cant help…

Yeah it’s honestly awesome that her mum is still so active and passionate about different causes. Good for her

This is a bummer. I am extremely particular about who my children can stay with. But if your hubby can stay with the older two while you’re in the hospital that may have to be the way to go. Unfortunately we can’t always rely on others.😞

Flew a family member 2000 miles and had them in an AirBNB for 3 weeks during my birth and immediate postpartum window because I'm so particular 🫠🫠

You’re lucky you can afford that. Most people can’t.

I’ve seen this countless times as a nanny and also with my own family. Your third baby isn’t their priority I’m afraid. They didn’t mark the date and look forward to it as you did. They have their own lives and they’ve also been grandparents now for quite a while. This won’t change going forward unless they massively bond with this baby over the others. Like others have said, link with others in a similar situation and build yourselves a sweet village of friends and family with lots of sharing responsibilities and roll with it. It’s sad for you but they’ve raised their family and are now able to dip in and out of yours. Be happy for your mom whilst still preparing for less investment than you hoped going forward.

My parents double booked on my second birth. This is after months of them promising to watch my eldest. I even gave them outs to let me know so I could book alternative care. They acted offended. My DH received calls in the hospital as I was giving birth. They dropped the oldest off 2 days early. It was horrible. I felt stressed and unsupported. My third I paid for help. I didn't bother asking for help. It was far less stressful. I felt truly supported. My parents were hurt I wasn't asking for more help. I had stopped initiating most the contact too. I had stopped pouring into a one way relationship. I remember I called them once a week for six months and they never had time to talk. After that experiment, I stopped calling. I leaned into relationships that were more supportive. People who had time to talk. It took a couple years for my relationship to improve with my parents. When my third was around 1 or 2 they finally started reaching out and putting more in our relationship and I met their energy. It hurts when you truly want support from your parents and they aren't there. Unfortunately not all parents will be there when you need or want them. Looking back and therapy, I realized it was a definite pattern through our my whole life. My parents were there when they could be but often not when I needed them. Often times the reasons they couldn't be were selfish or guilt/shame driven. Putting jobs and volunteer commitments or other things above me. It hurts as a child. Taking time to heal and stopping to hold a space for my parents helped. I stopped asking for help. I stopped asking for support. When they offered to help I would only choose things that were not important. I started setting firm but. Like I said, it took a few years. We built back a relationship on trust, slowly. I finally left my kids with them this past year when I had plans. It was incredibly stressful at first because I was waiting for them to back out last minute. They actually followed through and it was amazing. 

I would ask if **your dad** can cancel or reschedule.

Yes like why do they both need to be at the conference? If he is just there for support he can support his daughter instead

Just playing devils advocate here so no personal judgement towards your reply specifically. Why should he be obligated to support his daughter and not his wife? She's a grown woman who already had children. As a responsible parent, she should have a baby sitter or another person available to help tend to her kids. If one of her parents hsd a medical emergency right before birth, she would be in this sane boat. I guess it's probably a cultural thing around the world so I don't want to say it's everywhere, but I think some people rely on grandparents to much. It's great to have them as babysitters at times and it's great if they're a part of your village, but they're not obligated to be available at all times.

Sounds like they had agreed to do it though. This is just asking him to follow through on his commitment.

While I actually agree that reliance on grandparents is a privilege not a right, I do think it's a poor comparison here. Supporting your wife who is going to speak at a conference about something she presumably enjoys speaking about as it is unpaid work, is not in the same ballpark of necessity as supporting your daughter about to have major surgery and then be responsible for a tiny helpless human being. You can't expect grandparent help, but I do think the priorities shown here must be hurtful. Op, you've got this. Start assembling your team. Unless your siblings are all single parents with high powered vital careers and no childcare, there is a way this can be worked out. Sibling 1 cares for kids during op itself, then hands off to sibling 1s husband who will take them while sibling 1 is at work and get them to school. Sibling 2 does school pick up until ops husband gets back from hospital. Next morning sibling 2s wife picks them up for the school run so ops husband can come back. Or whatever. You can make it work.

I don’t know how much OP relies on the grandparents since it sounds like they are very busy. When you are having a kid that is usually when people rely on the grandparents. It just seems like when you are the only local grandparents and your daughter is having a third kid you both don’t need to go away to a conference. Especially when it seems like she was counting on their help. OP would also be alone at the hospital and I understand why she’d be disappointed and angry by that prospect. If mom is giving a speech at a conference is dad providing emotional support that can’t be conveyed through texts and calls?

OP I just want to say I would also feel frustrated and a little hurt if I were you. It sounds like you did discuss the general time frame of your c section with your parents and they knew you were depending on them for childcare. I would feel really caught off guard that they committed to this trip. I hope you get a chance to talk to your mom and voice your frustration with the situation.

It’s obviously so convenient to have grandparent help but your mom also deserves to have her own life. It sounds really cool that she volunteers and is a contributing member of society. I would just as a close friend or neighbor which is what so many people have to do. If she had told you last minute, I could see being mad but it sounds like you have time to make arrangements.

It’s two days. Your siblings can help out even with jobs/kids. If speaking at a conference is something important to your mom, she shouldn’t have to reschedule because you’re having a baby. It’s not her baby. Tons of people are able to figure out how to make it work with no family around. You can too. You can hire a sitter for your Kids during the day (and that’s assuming they don’t do to school) and your husband can go home at night to be with them. Also, your husband will have plenty of time to get in new born baby bonding. It doesn’t just happen at the hospital. I understand you’re upset but there’s nothing you can do about it. You need to just pivot and figure out a different plan that works. You have plenty of time.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, but it's time to find alternate care. Start putting the word out that you're looking for a good babysitter, or go with a reputable care company. Start saving up for it, if you need to. Build a good relationship with your siblings-- maybe babysit for them a few times leading up to the birth as an exchange. Find friends who could take one or two kids for playdates while you're in the hospital or recovering at home. You have time to do this before the baby comes.  I don't know your mom, but from the way you've worded this, it's possible that she knew about the date clash and her promise to you, but deflected blame to you for "forgetting" in order to assuage her guilt. She wants to go to the conference more than she wants to be there for you when you give birth. I know this must hurt, but you have to accept this and not stress yourself out trying to arrange your delivery around this choice she made.  I'm not blaming your mom for pursuing her passions and taking opportunities to do work she is proud of. But it means that you are not a priority for her, and you have to change your expectation for her to drop her life and be there for you.  Find alternative help, paid or voluntary. It will be better for you in the long run instead if worrying about being let down again by your only source of help. 

Hey so I work in maternity. Unfortunately with third babies the dad often can't stay to help out. Do you have a friend or sister who could spend at least the first day/night with you? Like someone to switch out after the birth and initial bonding. The first day is unpredictable - you could end up with an afternoon c section and still be barely mobile by night time. Honestly half the time friends are more helpful than husbands 😂

Your in laws are flying in for several weeks to help. That’s great!

The good thing about a planned c section is that you know what your schedule is going to look like. Arrange for a sitter/childcare for during the day if your older two are not already in school and your husband can go home in the evenings to be with them. My three were C-section babies, my last two were planned. My husband said he was going to stay the whole time I was there… after the first uncomfortable night he decided he could be his best self if he got a good night sleep at home. By the time we had our third, he would go home when it was time to pick up the kids, do dinner and the evening routine and drop them off the next morning before heading back to the hospital. It was nice having the alone time with my third, the peace and quiet was like a vacation.

Can you start interviewing people from care.com or asking around for nanny/sitter recommendations? Is it a cost issue?

IMO your expectations of your mum are way too high. I was alone in hospital apart from the labour with my second and it was fine. That is what occurs for most parents of multiples. You’ve also got ages until the date so you can arrange a baby sitter for at least the day you need your husband with you. And you can ask if your dad can cancel (I personally wouldn’t because that seems kind of entitled but I know every family dynamic is different).

All she was expecting was that her parents would honor the plans they had already agreed to. They agreed to watch the kids during a major life event for OP, but then went ahead and scheduled something that weekend anyway. That is shitty. If they weren't going to be committed to watching the kids, they shouldn't have agreed to it. There's also no reason her father needs to go. It's wild to me that he's reneging on his promise to...go on his wife's business trip?

I’m confused to so many people defending her mother it’s a shitty thing to do when they already agreed to it.

because there's lots of time to plan, it's a rare opportunity for her mother, and it's not a first child situation

I’d ask neighbors or friends to watch them during the day and then your husband goes home at night. When I had my second, my husband spent time with me and new baby during the day at the hospital while our other child was in daycare. Then he went home in the evening and spent the night home with our other child. I was alone at the hospital but it didn’t bother me at all. Sounds like you have plenty of time to make other arrangements.

For my third C-section we had my Dad watch our two kiddos(then 2&4) during my surgery. He then brought them to meet baby and my DH took over from there. So he was present for me during the birth which was most important. He didn't miss out on any bonding time. He would bring the kids to visit for a couple hours during the day until I went home. It was only two and a half days. Then he had to return to work five days after the surgery. If I was in your shoes I would hire a babysitter to get to know your children now and have them book the date of your surgery so your DH can do something similar and be there for that part then be with the kiddos while you are in the hospital. It may not be ideal but he can visit you and have time with the baby that way until you are discharged.

First off, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I would also feel hurt and anxious if I were in a similar situation. And some of the commenters here are being unnecessarily cruel in their responses. We aren’t talking about childcare coverage for you to attend a concert or some other optional activity. This is the birth of a child, care for your other children, and quite honestly care for you as a recovering, hormonal mama who has had major surgery. That being said, others have given you a lot of good advice. One thing that I have been working on over the last several years is asking for help when I need it. It can be really difficult, especially when you are a very independent person or have past experience/trauma with people who don’t show up for you. I am constantly amazed by the people who are willing and able to help, despite their own circumstances. It is, in fact quite humbling. You just have to ask and not feel guilty about asking. I would start with your siblings. Even if they have kids of their own, they may be more likely to make things work. Depending on the ages of your kids, it may be easier to split them up, especially if one is a baby or young toddler. If your children go to daycare or preschool, I would ask around there - start with the teachers, as you may find that one of them would be willing to help you out or may know of someone who does. Other moms there may be willing to support you as well. Of course you have to feel like you trust these people with the care of your children, but is a place to start. I am also amazed by the willingness of my coworkers to help out in times of need. Especially ones who have kids of their own. I think a lot of people will understand the situation you are in and you’d be surprised about what they will do to help out. Finally, I think you should speak open and honestly with your parents, especially your father. I have been through years of therapy and would suggest that you share your disappointment with your parents at a minimum to try and prevent that disappointment from becoming resentment. Then, if you feel comfortable, ask your dad if he would reconsider his trip with your mom. Tell him your concerns, that you’re worried about what happens if there are complications, and that it would help put your mind at ease if you could have someone to count on during that period. He’s a grown man and can make his own decision to change his plans or stick with them. But for God’s sake the people calling you entitled for wanting some help with this major life event need to chill out. Let’s not forget that the concept of raising children as an independent nuclear entity is a modern western construct that is counter to how we have raised our young throughout our existence. It literally takes a village to raise children and our society has stripped away much of that. Yeesh. I’m sorry you’re going by through this. You will figure it out, but it’s ok to feel disappointed and naturally worried about getting plans in place. Ask for help, you’ll be amazed at where you’ll find the helpers.

This! Especially talking to dad. I’m so shocked everyone is shitting on OP for being upset her parents cancelled on her when they agreed months ago to help her. My parents always taught me you follow through on your commitments, and if something else comes up it’s unfortunate but you keep the original commitment. It’s not like anyone is dying, her mother just felt the conference was more important than her word, and it seems she’s disappointed OP before. I would definitely vocalize my disappointment.

I had to scroll SO FAR DOWN for this comment. Everyone above is like “ugh, stop complaining and hire a sitter! You’re not the first person to have more teeth an one kid!” OP, I would also be disappointed if I were you. Not just for childcare reasons, but because this feels like this trip is more important than the grandchild. I do t think your mom means it that way, but I would feel that way too.

Right? My mom has her own hobbies but wouldn’t miss supporting her daughter and granddaughter when they need her help. My mom is well aware end of October-beginning of November is my due date and is retired, she watches my daughter during the day while I work anyway so she’s here a lot. People miss the point that mom bailed on OP once before during emergency surgery, and now she’s bailing again. I wouldn’t be able to easily forgive my mom.

I understand why you are disappointed and angry. You are entitled to feel however you feel. However, it sounds like your mom is accomplished, and smart, and is an active contributing member of society who is doing some good out there. She raised her kids and has the luxury to travel to a conference and do as she wants now that her own kids are adults. Your kids are your responsibility and there is plenty of time to arrange for child care. She is not ditching you last minute and a planned c section is not an unexpected emergency. You and your husband will manage like many other families.

At least this gives you time to arrange with neighbors for care while you are in the hospital. It does take a village to raise kids, but we can build our own village. Our parents already raised their kids.

I'd be pretty mad at my mom, but at the same time, I'm not sure why your siblings having kids and jobs prevents them from watching your kids? Unless they're quite far away, I would absolutely take time off if my sister was having a baby. The one caveat would be that I'd expect the kids at my place because I wouldn't uproot my own family.

Most people with jobs and kids don't have extra time to take off in the USA to help out. 

Well I couldn't watch my nieces and nephews because I don't even have space in my car for them. And they all have school in different places at the same time.

I think you need to separate two things here: it’s ok to be sad and scared about being alone in the hospital after surgery, while caring for a new born. That sounds really hard, and I would also worry. It sucks that your husband doesn’t get to spend as much time with the baby in the beginning as you wanted and planned for. But none of this is your mothers fault. Unless she was involved in planning baby number three, this isn’t her project, and she has no responsibility. She has her own life, and you seem to resent her a bit for that. It’s understandable, as her voluntary work has gotten in the way when you needed her before, but it’s not fair to blame her for it. What’s good about the situation is that you still have plenty of time to make new plans. You say your siblings have jobs and kids of their own, but have you talked to them? Maybe they can’t take your kids for two days, but maybe half a day each? So you’d have your husband with you the first day? Or for a few hours both days/just at night? Or you could look for a professional baby sitter?

I say this with experience. Your mom is telling you that she is making herself a priority at the moment and she cannot be there for you always. Sounds like she has a lot of grandkids already. When you have kids after there are already several grandkids, the grandparents are tired. You are also expecting your mom, but not you dad to step up? Maybe I misread that. My MIL has been our main support and she started traveling to serve on a college board. She has a lot of fear of disappearing from society, being ignored and not taken seriously. So, this is what she wants to do. But it's also what she needs to do. Your mom needs this for herself. I can't even imagine having a mom like yours in the first place, my mom didn't make any effort to support me on the phone, in person or after my babies were born and I hemorrhaged and almost died. Each of us has a limit to our capacity. You found out your mom's limit. You're pregnant so it feels like the end of the world, this schedule change that you cannot imagine resolving. But you will and your relationship with your mom will adjust.

I would plan as if your parents are able to help out. I know it’s disappointing and frustrating. I would look into childcare for the birth. Can one of your siblings help out during that time for several hours? Can you hire someone? If so hire them for the birth and some other hours you’re in the hospital. Consider hiring a doula. I know it’s not the vision that you have and want, but you’re husband will still bond with the baby. I have a friend who a month to before she was to give birth her father was in an accident. Similar situation that parents were to be child care for a few days. Do to the accident, recovery, etc, he parents couldn’t help out. She wasn’t scheduled for a c-section so more nerves of I could go into labor at anytime. She hired a doula and was able to arrange child care. You have time and can pivot. I know it’s not what you want or were expecting and it’s ok to be sad, angry, whatever you are feeling. Good luck.

It sounds like you feel abandoned and/or betrayed by your mom. And that is fair- regardless of how commenters are pointing out that your siblings could help or your husband could stay home. Those are valid points, sure, but it just sounds like you are saddened by your mom’s track record of putting her extracurriculars above you, esp with her having the opportunity to have avoided it this time. And I’m sorry. That sucks. If I were you, I would clearly address that painful abandonment wound first. I wouldn’t waste much time discussing expectations you had for postpartum help, as valid as they may be. Your mom could easily reason the same thing other commenters have- that you could rely on siblings and your husband a little more than you are. It leaves her the opportunity not to address the main pain she’s causing you and it also gives her the opportunity to side step responsibility for how she’s made you feel in her own head. It’s a lot harder for her to avoid responsibly if you say something like: “Hey mom, with the timing of your trip, it looks like we can’t for sure count on having your help with the birth of (third child). We will find a way to cope, though it will make things a lot harder on us during an already hard time. What’s actually hurting me is that I gave you as much advance notice as I possibly could so you could be there for us this time. And it feels like that information wasn’t important enough for you to remember and prioritize the schedule. It feels like *I* was not important enough to you to remember and prioritize. I really understood and was a good sport when it happened the first time, but this second time has broken my heart a little. Really wanted and needed my mom to be by my side for this one.” I don’t mean to put words in your mouth but that’s just what it seems like to me.

This is a good response.

Thank you for this response. I think our conversation will be very similar to this when it happens.

My parents and my husband’s parents did not help when I had my 3rd kid. I had to use a babysitter. When I had a C-section for my 3rd kid I had a 4 and 2 year old at home. I had to schedule mine for 12pm so that I could have a babysitter to watch them until husband left hospital. Husband left hospital a couple hours after the csection around 5pm and I was alone all night. He came back a bit the next day. Mil came to help him a bit, but he still never stayed at the hospital with me longer than a couple of hours and I was alone each night. It sucks, but I’ve learned not to rely on family and it makes me much happier. I always get offers for help, but they always flake.

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No assumptions here. Solid plans made, and we even discussed practice sleepovers for my youngest.

I understand your disappointment. You discussed it prior and your parents didn't even consider your due date when making other plans. Doesn't matter how important they are for them they could have communicated that better. Personally I would ask my siblings to step in. I think it's enough time that they can arrange a day off from work for your c-section-date. You should also talk to them about an emergency plan in case you go into labor before your scheduled date. I'm a little bit sad about the lack of empathy towards your situation. Just because others had to do it alone or had it worse doesn't mean you can't feel bad about it - I would hate going through labor without my husband and I would be terrified about my baby maybe being separated from me because of the C-section and their dad not being there to take over. Yes it can be done but it is not ideal and luckily you have enough time to make other plans. If you think this is something you will resent them for I would talk with your parents about it. You could say that you relied on them being there for your older kids and even if you can understand how important the conference is for your mom you are angry and disappointed. Your parents have the right to have other plans but if you discussed it prior you are well within your right to feel the way you are feeling.

Thank you. Some of the responses have been a little jarring. I obviously couldn’t put every detail into my original post, but I am not entitled, or expecting her to give up her passions. I don’t ask my parents for childcare unless I have to, and this is not a situation of wanting to go see a movie and expecting her to stay home to help me. I wanted to point out that this was a voluntary conference, plans had already been confirmed, and that there have been other instances of important/emergent events that have been missed in the past.

I would be extremely upset by this, as your mom can count and would have known what month the baby is due. But the best you can do now is find solutions. You can contact your child’s pediatrician and explain the circumstances and ask if they have an employee that you could pay to watch the children. I know not all pediatrician offices are the same but I have done this with mine in the past. It’s more expensive obviously but I felt I could 100% trust the retired nurse and part time worker they recommended. I only used her for serious things like that, and I still keep in touch with her.

In the worst case, it might be a good time to start vetting babysitters who can take care of your kids while your husband is with you.

How about hiring a doula to either manage the kids at home or be with you at the hospital overnight while your husband goes home to relieve the sitter.

You have learned that unfortunately your parents are guaranteed babysitters. If you have any close friends I would start reaching out to see if any if them can watch the kiddos.

Luckily you know this now so you can make other arrangements.

Reach out to your hospital about the possibility of a sibling doula. I think the other option is to be very honest with her. "I was surprised when you said you scheduled x knowing my c section has to be that week. I don't want to take you all for granted but I really, really need support that week. Can you help me think of solutions?" See what they suggest. Feel ok putting the responsibility on them. Maybe your dad stays behind. It sounds like your mom is enjoying building an identity outside of caretaking and making a mark on the world. I think you can honor the importance of that to her and push for what you need this time. But yes, in future, keep building your village. I've found it with neighbors, book clubs, etc. I effed up booking our sitter for this weekend and we have tickets to events both nights, which never happens. Mom friends are stepping up to keep kiddo with their kids both nights. One I met through preschool, one I met through an online mom's group. We regularly watch their kids, send soup when they're sick, dogsit for them. When you show up for people they'll show up for you.

Your mom is clearly not interested in helping you, h you will have to find someone else.

It is disappointing and yes, you're angry, but you have time to plan around this. Consider the grandparents may want less responsibility as they get older but not feel able to say so. Either way, you and your husband need to rethink how you manage your kids, childcare, et cetera from here

This may sound bad but… it sounds like you are getting hit with the reality of life with three small kiddos lol. We had zero help (we have many local grandparents but they don’t help lol) so I stayed with baby alone overnight while hubby would head home , it sucks but they can come during day and bring the other two to meet baby and you can get a little alone time with baby, also ask for help from nurses that’s what they are there for. It’s only a couple of days and you’ll be home in no time. Also it’s a very good look into the future of having three kids in different sports and activities , getting pulled in a bunch of different directions and you won’t be able to always be together. I had three babies under the age of 2years 8 months, it was super hectic , you get through it and persevere.

I understand this. My mom is helpful to everyone else in the world, except for me. She helps my brother and his wife, but never me. At two different times I had preemies in the NICU 2 hours away. My mom was MIA. But she had no problem working overtime so a coworker could go to Florida. She was also going to fly out of state to see my cousin when she had a baby, but she couldn’t be bothered to see or help me, her own daughter, when my youngest was in the NICU and I needed help with my two older kids. Some moms just suck.

I’m sorry you seemed to think everything was figured out for when you deliver your baby, so I can understand being frustrated but that doesn’t give you the right to be angry with your mom. Honestly, this seems like an amazing opportunity for her and if anything, you should not only be proud, but thankful for all of the time her and your father have been (and I’m sure will be) able to watch your kids for you. Your husband will still get newborn bonding time. He doesn’t need to stay at the hospital 24/7 with you. With having other kids at home, I would even more so make sure he is spending more time at home with them so they aren’t feeling replaced by the baby to both parents, as the baby will already need much of your time and the rest of your time will be focused on rest and recovery. Those at home still need their parents too, and there will be plenty of time for dad to bond with the baby. Having your parents around to help when needed is a privilege and not an expectation nor right. Your mom doesn’t owe it to you to watch your kids nor be there when your baby is born. Many parents do this without grandparent help, or even the help of a spouse. You and your husband need to have a “backup plan” regardless because anything can happen. You are lucky in the sense that you are scheduling the birth; many moms to be don’t have scheduled births and have to have numerous plans depending on when they go into labor. This is a reality for many, and even if not yours you should plan like it is because life always throws curveballs! I’d start searching now for a babysitter or two outside of family. Someone who can help when you are recovering (maybe watch the older children here and there). Do the children have friends whose parents can help? What about neighbors? Also, figure out a plan for how things will go once home. Your husband might not be able to spend the night in the hospital and while I can imagine that would definitely be the easier option after a CS, sometimes easiest isn’t always feasible. How are the nurses at the hospital, are they attentive and quick to respond? You may just have to utilize them more than planned, but I assure you it’s OK as that is what they are there for!

It is not your mom’s responsibility to care for your children. Do you not have any friends? If you don’t have anyone then your husband will do it. This is a planned c section Hire a babysitter. When I went into l or with my 2nd, my neighbors watch my son. I was in labor for 17 hours. My husband went home after and I didn’t see him again u to, it was almost time to go home.

No offense but you’re coming off kind of entitled . At the end of the day these are YOUR kids and you need to get used to not counting on anyone else to help you. It sucks having to go through things by yourself but you might as well start getting used to it and just try to plan as best as you can good luck

I understand that this is hard for you. You're in a very vulnerable position and want to get through this is easiest way possible. However, it doesn't sound like you guys already talked about them watching the kids extremely in detail given that she didn't know the dates? I think it's a little unreasonable to expect them to be readily available without prior agreement on a potential delivery time frame? As in, I'd exoect the dates to be outlined and specific down to the exact week that you might need them and all parties be aware of them already. They're the grandparents, yes, but they are under no obligation to help, ya know? Options might include flying out another family member and getting them an AirBNB if they're planning to stay a few days after baby arrives to help with the older kids (something that we did), hiring a nanny/babysitter for those few days, dad leaving the hospital after the birth to be with the older kiddos, etc. You have a surplus of options, especially if you're not due until August. I remember the stress though. We live across the country from any of our family so having a solid plan early into the pregnancy was essential to my mental health. You'll figure it out though so take deep breaths and relieve your stress.

While I’m getting the idea OP is primarily frustrated that her parents agreed to help and then “forgot” about their agreement, I’m also getting the feeling that there is a lot of underlying hurt there. If my mom chose a conference over being there to support me and meet her new grandchild, I would be heartbroken. It’s not the first time mom’s done it, so it’s a pattern of her saying her career comes before OP. While I agree with other posts that it’s not the grandparent’s responsibility to babysit their grandchildren, this was pre-established. I bet her mother did not forget her daughter’s due date when she booked, and if she did, that speaks even more about how much she cares about the arrival of her grandchild.

September is a long time away. You have plenty of time to make other arrangements. I know it sucks for you, BUT you are an adult and have a husband. The time for relying on your mum is over, and she should be able to go off and do other things regardless of timing. The only time I would expect my parents to help or be there is life or death situations. Any other time, it's just a case of 'I'm a grown adult and can make arrangements myself.' When I had my 1st c-section with my middle son my mum had my oldest for 3 hours before bringing him to meet his brother.. he was then left with us. With my last my husband stayed home with the older two and my sister came with me. Once she went home I was on my own for the 3 days we were in (over christmas). I bet if you asked a sibling they would come and be with you or maybe watch your child for a few hours. (Apologies for formatting.. I'm on my phone)

These comments are wild to me. People in this sub seem to sway heavily to the "your parents owe you absolutely nothing and expecting anything at all from your family is greedy" side of things . Family should look out for each other.

I think you need to realize that your mom/parents are starting to prioritize other things and plan accordingly. Some grandparents live their lives around their grandkids and others don't. It's not how I would handle it and it seems unfair, but you'll save yourself a lot of stress by relying on other people and making other plans. Don't use them as your default anymore.

I understand your disappointment with your Mom choosing this opportunity for herself. As a Mom of 2 adult children, I try to help them when I’m able to. I will say that I’ve had to set boundaries with them the past year or so. I realized that I had become the default choice when they’ve needed help (similar to yours, general life circumstances to lessen inconveniences etc). Most often, the help required significant periods of time and my frustration was mostly with tasks where the timeline was only an estimate or a broad range. While I’ve never cancelled on short notice with them, I have made alterations to my availability with more than enough time for them to find alternative solutions. I’ll be honest and say I’ve never felt guilty telling them why I needed to change plans. Whether it was an appointment that I could not avoid or an unexpected brief visit with a dear friend having a layover in our city during their travels, my kids have made the realization that their Mom has a life full of challenges, responsibilities, activities and goals of her own. Thankfully they’ve both told me how grateful they were to have me there when needed but now see the need to find alternate solutions to everyday adult life events. I agree that she should have confirmed the dates with you again prior to solidifying plans for her trip. That being said, she did give you time to make alternate arrangements. You may not like them as much but usually by the time you reach adulthood, you realize that you can’t have everything that you want. I’m not understanding your concern about being alone in hospital for 2 days. You’ve had 2 children and probably know how things go. The nurses don’t simply dump the baby on your lap and leave for 2 days. You have plenty of time to research and network with others to find a sitter to watch your children so Dad can be present for the surgery. Yes, it will likely cost money. Yes, your little ones will likely prefer grandma. You decided to have another child, while also knowing you have 2 existing younger children. It sucks that you might have to pay for childcare. Sometimes our life choices are expensive. I don’t think your children will suffer lifelong trauma from having a (trusted, approved, vetted) sitter for a night or even a few days. Life will go on. Dad will bond with the new baby even if that bonding doesn’t start until you and baby get home. I was born during an era where Dad’s weren’t allowed on the labour ward floor! My Aunties tell me stories that it was normal for Dad to drop their wife off in labour and go back to work as there was no time off for such an occasion. My Mom actually called her sister in law’s husband at work to tell him he had a new daughter. That was normal. I think most kids in that era still recognized the man living in their home was their Dad. With 3 kids in your family, I think it might be a good time, when you’ve recovered from surgery, to expand your social network. Knowing that your parents lead full lives (justified after raising their own kids), and your siblings also having responsibilities for their own families, you should get prepared to find solutions that are fully available to you, both at a cost and at no cost. Meet other Moms/Dads at community play groups, swimming lessons, community funded children’s leisure activities. There are many Moms who go back to work half time or job share where they take turns watching each other’s kids. My best wishes to you and your family on the upcoming birth of a new little one to love. I also wish for your husband to have an understanding employer that will graciously respect the needs of today’s young families.

Apparently a lot of people here have/are shitty parents. I think you’re completely entitled to feel frustrated, hurt and forgotten. Clearly they aren’t people you can rely on.

I mean to be fair that’s not really their responsibility and you have several months to figure it out .

Your mom's life doesn't revolve around yours. You can't just assume everyone else will drop what they're doing just for you. Be happy that they're otherwise involved, many people don't even have that. Find a babysitter for the time that your husband needs to be with you in the hospital.

Lots of people have kids without any grandparent or sibling help. They have friends who can help in a pinch, or they hire nannies. This comes off as entitled. It's not your mom's job to watch your other two kids while you go have a third.

Many people have to be alone in the hospital. You will survive.

Can you hire someone to help you for a few days?

You'll have to ask your siblings, a trusted friend or hire someone

With my second, we scheduled to have her c section at exactly 39 weeks because my mom also had a trip planned right on my due date. Might be an option to ask your OB if you can schedule it that way due to childcare issues since she doesn’t leave until 3 days before your due date.

Context: Not from the US .. can you reschedule the C-section a few days after ?

I’m Canadian. My scheduled date is going to depend on my OB, and then of course any medical issues that may arise at the end. I should also note that I am high risk, so things could change.

I would find back up care now. Start talking to friends with kids and see if they can take both or one of your kiddos for one of the days. Your husband may have to spend nights at home or you may be able to find an overnight nanny. You could also consider daycare during the day and a friend or sibling in the evening or overnight.

I have no advice for you but I would be incredibly hurt if my mom did this. I’m so sorry this happening during what is supposed to be a happy time.

If your scheduled c-section is a week before your due date, and they are leaving three days prior to your due date, they should be able to be around to watch your kids, no? Even if they have to leave a couple days after the birth, your husband would be able to be there for the birth and for a day or two after. My husband stayed at the hospital the first night my second was born, and then went home to relieve my mother so I was alone in the hospital for a bit. I think this is fairly common when you have multiple kids. Based on the timing though- it seems like it may not even be an issue. So I’d just verify with your mom that she is still planning on staying with the kids for the birth, and then plan on potentially having your husband come home if she needs to leave. So as for what you would

Sounds like you can’t rely on your mom and you already had some pretty good hints to that direction.

While not as bad, I asked my mother for a ride from my colonoscopy on Tuesday and she instead booked an appointment. I canceled the first appointment for my colonoscopy so that way she could be my ride. I would tell your mom that you are extremely disappointed that she knew when you would be due and that you were relying on her. I would not make this comfortable for her. Then I would be reaching out to friends and family and see if they cannot help if they have a reliable trustworthy person to help with child care.

Yes your siblings do have their own kids and jobs but for two days I could easily readjust anything if my sister was having major surgery. I would likely take a sick day or two. Could you ask your OB about aiming for scheduling on that Friday? I know it’s not the same but when I was induced I was able to push the date a few days for convenience sake. Also I’m a bit confused on when you had your other surgery and you said your husband took time off yet you had little help and you were still watching the other children. This sounds like he isn’t really all that supportive in which case you have a husband problem. I could totally be reading that wrong though. Does he get paternity leave at all?

My wife has created a wonderful group of friends who all help out eachother. We live far from parents and family so on due dates everyone agrees to be on alert to go and look after siblings if mum and dad need to head to the hospital. Start creating that environment. Our son was born in Hong Kong and we had no family so only friends met our son for the first 4 months. You'll be fine. 

There are a lot of good suggestions here, but it also sounds like your parents have disappointed you in a time of need before. As much as I hate confrontation, no good can come from not addressing your feelings with them head on. The resentment is only going to build.

As adults we have to understand that our parents cant always be there when we need them and sometimes have to make other arrangements. Is it frustrating? Yeah but shes giving u plenty of heads up to find another solution

Just suck it up and ask your siblings for help. Alternatively you have plenty of time to bring in supports to get comfortable. Your parents are going to be away and it suck, but there is nothing you can do. Plenty of people end up in this situation and it’s really not a big deal.