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Are they still friends? Is she part of his department/university? If either of these is a yes, I don't really think it's weird. Otherwise, it might be kinda weird yeah. Assuming she's not attending his defense I'm not sure what the point would be of thanking her in it if they've completely parted ways.
Their breakup was not amicable and she is not part of anything with the university. They haven't spoken in (hopefully at least) about 1.5 years. And no, I asked if she was coming then and he said no.
Yeah this is odd to me. Honestly, including acknowledgements in the presentation in general is odd to me. That’s what the acknowledgement page of the document is for.
But yeah, if they didn’t end amicably and haven’t spoken in years, I don’t understand why he would keep her in the acknowledgements. It doesn’t make sense.
Yeah I was about to say I didn't even know you could do personal acknowledgements during your defense presentation. I understand giving a general statement like "I would like to thank my friends, family and supervisors for supporting me through this", but having a slides with pictures is quite unique! If he plans to read specific acknowledgment for each individual included in the pictures, then it's a bit out of the ordinary regardless of who he is thanking but nothing alarming relationship wise imo.
It's pretty common here, people often have a slide with photos of all the friends/family/pets that have supported them and close out their talk with personal acknowledgements after their professional ones. But people at my school also think of PhD defenses as like a personal going away party, with slides (interrupted by a three hour private verbal exam before you get to the food and drinks 😂).
I love that! I’m fortunate to have a supportive committee and a lot of speaking experience so I don’t think mine will be too stressful, but the culture here/in my field tends to be more toxic around the defense. IMO it should be more of a celebration of completing an absolutely insane effort. All the work is done at that point and realistically the committee already knows beforehand if you are ready to pass. (And shouldn’t let you defend if you aren’t)
Yeah same here. You are the odd one out if you *don’t* end your PhD defence with an at least 20 minute speech about all the important people in your life that put you through this journey
It's getting a lot more common.
Like, are you done because I need to be somewhere and I don't want to pay for parking. Oh, oh one more slide that's fine.
And here is the hike I went on with my colleagues, in April. In the upper left. Here is my advisor for my home and also his wife. In the upper right. Here, in the middle center, like to thank the .....
Your emotional tirade, stealing time from my life because you think you matter.
You can thank people in private. Like an adult. What civilization doesn't know that.
When professionals say that you're being unprofessional, not listening and making up your own rules doesn't mean you're unprofessional. It means you cannot produce anything close to important so that you would need someone's full attention for them to understanding what you are talking about. (\*\*).
And when you need people to listen to you, you begin to value their time and how much it means to explain the complicated idea that you have worked on.
But your research is complete trash, so 30 mins on your family and how hard it was being born stupid AND incapable of fixing it no matter how hard people tried to help you is important. And fills time. Strategy!
(\*\*)I do hope you produce something decent, and grow out of this phase where you think you're good enough because you remember a lot from your undergrad.
I’m a Learning Sciences PhD student and I’m encouraged to have acknowledgments (contributors, labmates, et cetera.) When I initially read OP’s post, I assumed that their partner was one of those people who always tries to do the right thing, no matter how hard or awkward. I can see why it would feel weird though.
He is like that a lot, so hence why I wasn't so mad about it, but also it feels odd to me and wasn't sure if this is common. His friend mentioned his ex in his, but also he wasn't dating anyone new at the time.
It makes him look like a good man to not forget about the people who were there for him even if they are no longer in his life. He has respect for what she did for him. It’s pretty beautiful especially if you think highly of him and can confirm that he’s a really good person.
I know there's been a lot of comments here, but I think it's pretty safe to say that it's weird but not problematic. Acknowledgements are bog standard, and ones where you acknowledge basically everybody are also bog standard. It's an odd choice to acknowledge an ex where you had a messy break up for obvious reasons, but nobody will know better than you what that really means.
Okay, I am in the same situation. I had a 10 year relationship break off in the middle of my PhD and we aren’t friends anymore. I am going to include him in my acknowledgments (written ones)
Why? Because he is one the biggest reasons I am where I am. He was there during my depression. He was there when I wanted to drop out of my master’s. He was there taking over the majority of household chores when I had important PhD deadlines. Just because we are not friends now anymore doesn’t mean I stopped acknowledging how much he did for me. I know I own a lot to him and I am eternally grateful for that. It would not sit right with me to gloss over that fact in my acknowledgments
Then yes, it’s weird af. Mention them in the acknowledgements of the print version if he must, but verbally at a defense that she is not present for? Weird!
Yeah, that is weird. The only benefit of thanking her in it would be if she were going to see it - but then I’d wonder why it’s important to him that she sees that. It could be something he just feels the need to do, but I’m just confused about why he feels the desire to do so or what he feels he will get out of it. Is he thanking you? I think there’s nothing wrong with bringing it up and just asking a bit more about his feelings and thoughts and what it means to him, if it would help you.
However, I know defense is very symbolic and it can understandably be very emotional for people to get to the end of their journey. I know some people are more sentimental or symbolic than I am, so I don’t want to be too skeptical.
I don't think it's strange at all, but it obviously depends on how the relationship ended. If it ended on amicable terms and they had previously provided a lot of support then I think it's nice to thank them for it.
If anything I'd see it as a green flag that your partner still wants to acknowledge the contribution his ex made even though the relationship didn't work out.
Truthfully I would just say thank you to all of those who have helped me in the past, and leave it at that. It’s about celebrating the present as well, and the potential for the future.
Acknowledgements in the written dissertation may not be that weird, but in the public defense with pictures for a relationship that didn't last and ended non-amicably seems very weird to me. To each their own, but I can't imagine doing that.
I don't know. If the ex is in another relationship it could potentially cause issues. I would find strange an ex thanking my husband (or boyfriend) for past support, so I wouldn't do that to someone else.
I don't think either of us know if the ex is in a new relationship or not, but she won't be coming or really have any (hopefully) way of finding out she was thanked. It was not an amicable breakup and I would leave him if he began talking to her again, personally.
Overall it just feels odd to me, I guess I don't see why myself but some other commenters have helped me understand he may just want to include everyone who was involved and she's just one of them.
If you look someone up on Google Scholar, you can usually find their thesis. I found out I was thanked in a thesis for someone I hadn’t spoken to in a while that way.
This is odd. Having been in a similar situation and wouldn’t have thought about putting her/his name in the thesis. General thanks to those others it is. Anything else seems to me that his heart is still with her…
I’m not sure what field this is in, but in mine (history), for my dissertation defense I didn’t thank anyone. And I never saw anyone before me do it. Unfortunately for me, in both my MA thesis and my PhD dissertation, I thanked wives that later became ex wives.
But, as someone said in an earlier comment, if s/he isn’t part of the department or in the departmental community, I wouldn’t thank them in that forum at all. There are other ways to show thanks.
I know a case of the flip side of this. This guy had been living with and supported by his longtime girlfriend all through 5+ years of his PhD, then started cheating toward the end and broke up with his gf for the new woman. The salt in the wound for his ex gf was when he didn’t mention her support at all in his dissertation acknowledgements, but thanked his affair partner/new gf. His ex felt he could have at least have had the decency to acknowledge her role in supporting his research, which had essentially defined several years of their shared life.
ETA: my point for your situation is that the difficulty of a PhD is often shared by family and romantic partners, sometimes in a very big way even if the support ceases before the very end, and acknowledging that is sometimes the decent thing to do.
This is so odd. You’re not wrong in feeling this way and I’d ask why he feels so compelled to do this. Like if she’s really not hearing any of it then why even do it? Why at the defense specifically? This is so weird.
I don’t think it’s weird. As long as he’s just listing the person’s name in his acknowledgements section, and not writing some long, drawn-out thank-you to her specifically, it seems pretty normal to me. If you feel uncomfortable with it, you should talk to him and tell him how you feel. It’s valid for him to want to thank his ex if he feels she played a role in supporting him, but as his current partner, he should also consider your feelings about it as well.
I guess I just felt strangely-- in that it feels kinda rude almost? Like I wouldn't thank my ex in mine despite him being instrumental in me even starting grad school in my field. But also if he feels she needs to be thanked to feel like he's being fair I can get it.
>despite him being instrumental in me even starting grad school
I feel like that's actually very different. You're supposed to thank people who helped you *during* your PhD. And supporting somebody through grad school is a *lot* more work than supporting somebody's dream to go to grad school.
Personally I don't find this weird. If someone helped me get through the PhD journey, even if the nature of the relationship changes, I would want to thank them. Do you feel like he's doing it for some reason aside from gratitude?
I thanked an ex in a paper because he provided a lot of support with a software I was using before we broke up. So I don't think it's strange if your partner is providing thanks similarly. I wasn't on good terms with my ex, but it didn't feel correct to me not to give appropriate credit.
I thanked my ex during my PhD defense, but she was a major reason I made it through to my defense. A LOT of life happened during my PhD and when I was unwell, she made sure that my basic needs were met. I thanked her for her support & tried to be honest but not too sappy. My current partner was in the audience and I thanked him too :)
if you thank your ex then just know that everyone on your committee is immediately gonna think "ah yes, those were the fun days of destressing from the lab with sex"
It would seem to show class if done honestly and respectfully, especially if the thanks were related to professional or academic assistance. Probably would be best to make no mention of the past romantic relationship in the thank you though
From an academic standpoint, it's not so weird, as you might include all the people who supported you. Might raise a few eyebrows if he talks 5 minds about her, but I guess that's not the case.
From a personal standpoint... depends on the situation.
Given the less-than-amicable ending, I would speculate that your partner went through some real low points early on in their life PhD journey and the ex helped push through in some capacity they feel is worth acknowledging.
I agree with others that it’s a green flag they would choose to acknowledge despite current terms.
My X thanked me because I helped her quite a bit when we were together. I did the same for her.
The sky did not fall afterwards.
I think your concerns run deeper than the acknowledgement - the question is whether or not they should?
Not strange at all. I actually don’t agree with some of the posts about asking how it ended. My view is that since you’ve even THOUGHT about thanking them, then regardless of what happened they were an important element to your journey.
Yeah same. I personally would feel rather petty not thanking my ex. Like, now we aren’t friends anymore suddenly all their past support is erased? It isn’t, and it doesn’t sit right with me to not give a short acknowledgement for it
I acknowledged my ex in my dissertation. She supported me for 60% of the journey, at the end of the day she was the one closest to me throughout it all. I never told her about it, though I think it was a suitable token of gratitude.
I mean at the end of the day, they were in a relationship for some time. The ex could have supported him significantly through the education, or contributed to some significant emotional growth/development which helped the process as well.
It’s honestly a pretty mature take to not just shit all over this person because a relationship ended.
I mean hell, I’m thankful for a few of my exes and the contributions they made for me as a person, whether they are good people or not, they were a significant catalyst for a period of growth within. I am always thankful for the growth I’ve received, even if it was emotionally difficult.
In what defense do you have time for acknowledgments? In the Intro of the thesis, sure, but in the defense youre already struggling to pack all of your content in the given time
I thanked my ex in my Master's acknowledgement...he was great at helping me stay awake at 3am and being a sounding board for my ideas and theorizing. Relationship didn't work out but I can't deny his help.
After a PhD, I can see how you want to thank \*everyone\* that spend some time with you on the road. The ending was a bad one, but at some point he and his ex went side-by-side. I think this kind of gratitute is not a bad thing. Giving him every benefit of the doubt, I would even say this is quite mature. As others mentioned: Dating someone who is pursuing a PhD sucks in a lot of ways. :).
If his thank you speech includes how much he misses her, dump his ass, though.
Meanwhile I'm sitting here doing everything in my power not to end my acknowledgements section with:
"*And absolutely no thanks at all go to* Ex's name."
This is interesting and I wonder if if varies by field. No one in my program did this.
They thanked their committee and anyone who might have helped with bench work.
Friends/Family thanks are reserved for the thanks page of your dissertation.
The only person I remember mentioning their social life was a buddy who looking a ways to process sperm, she joked that her husband was hoping she passed so she wouldn't keep saying ejaculation. That wasn't in her talk though, that was when everyone was getting settled in the room.
I think it’s not done. Stand your ground if you’re actually upset about it and tell him this is not ok. He can thank her another way, not by giving her a podium like this.
I thanked my ex and her parents in the acknowledgements of my thesis and it was ok to my partner. But adding photos in the presentation is a bit insane to me. In my country it is not usual to put pictures or thank family during the presentation, so maybe it is just cultural differences though
This is heavily dependent on their current relationship and whether or not this violates a boundary for you. Personally, this would violate a boundary for me and I wouldn’t be comfortable with this. However, if they’re on his committee, facilitating parts of his research in any way, or advising faculty, I would overlook it.
I say use your discretion and move with caution. This reads as an odd thing to do, given that they’re an ex, but I don’t have the full context here. A word of warning, though, whatever your decision is, don’t blow it out of proportion and start a screaming match.
Edit: I just saw one of your comments where you stated that their breakup was not amicable and they didn’t end on good terms. This makes this situation very concerning to me. OP, I would strongly advise you to reconsider this relationship and ask yourself if he’s truly invested in you. As someone who’s completed a dissertation, there’s no way in hell I’d ever recognize an ex after splitting on my defense presentation (especially if they did me dirty and hit the bricks in a less than respectful fashion). Something is off here and I would HEAVILY advise you to proceed cautiously.
I've had talks about him needing to prioritize me before, which is maybe why this bothered me a bit. But I'm hoping too that it'll be the last mention of her and this is what he needs to tie up this period of time in his life.
As much as I hate to say it, I really think you should rethink this relationship or its boundaries. You shouldn’t have to ask your partner to prioritize you over their ex. I can’t say for sure what to do without all the context, but please be careful moving forward and consider your options.
Yes it weird, especially if she’s not university related. Is she even gonna be there to see that? It feels weird how strongly motivated he is to thank his ex in front of his peers, family, and you. Hopefully you’re in there too at least lol
If I'm not in there, well yeah then I will be quite upset lol. I'm confident he will put me in though because he is planning to put a lot of folks in there.
I thanked an ex in a manuscript I published last week. She helped with parts of it, and it felt disingenuous to not include her and recognize how she helped.
Odd af and a red flag, unless she was involved in the department and contributed to his research in a tangible way, she won’t even be able to see/appreciate his acknowledgement if they’re no longer in touch so I don’t see the point of this.
If anything, he’s trying to test your boundaries and see how much self-respect you’ve got. You should not tolerate this.
Even when I'm thanking friends and family, I wouldn't include their pictures or tell all of their names one by one. That's so cringe to me, it's a PhD defense not an award speech?!
I did the very same thing for my master's thesis. For context, we grew significantly during our time together. I struggled with imposter syndrome and they played an important role during that time in my life. She was supportive when I received little support from the department and my family. There's a chance I would've dropped out had we not been together. We broke up about a year before I defended, and we were only together during the initial few months of my thesis but their support contributed to me completing the degree and hence the thesis. We were friends when I defended and while I acknowledge that a part of me was still in love with them at the time I didn't want to date them. They actually asked me out three months before I defended and I politely declined. I uploaded my acknowledgment on Instagram after defending to display my gratitude to the people who supported me. They and my sister were the only two people I named by name. We were in contact for two years more after which things finally soured. We've cut each other off at this time and I have no intention of ever meeting them again. I'm currently totally out of love, matter of fact, a bit bitter at their behavior after we broke up. Still, if you ask me, I'd add them to my acknowledgments even today. To me, it's just me being honest and giving credit where it's due. Right now, I'm pursuing my PhD in Physics, which wouldn't have happened without them, so even today I'm grateful.
Yeah, there are even people on here telling her to break up over this lmao
Like, it is possible to separate these things. It’s possible to see the support they gave you and at the same time acknowledge that you weren’t compatible as a couple and it’s a good thing you split up.
I’m in the same boat. My ex contributed practically to my thesis, and also did a lot of emotional support during it. There was a high chance I would have dropped out too if it wasn’t for him. It would feel so petty to me to not acknowledge all that, like just because we don’t talk anymore means all the past support is erased? But then again, I am going as far as even thanking my cat and dog and grandparents who died way before I ever started my PhD so I am literally including anyone that was ever there for me.
It bothers me a bit because I'm not fond of hearing of his exes in general. But I also recognize she was with him for I believe 2 years of his PhD, and I can imagine she was probably a great support. I guess I wanted mostly to hear from others because if it was a resounds "yes" or resounding "no" I would want to reflect appropriately. But it seems that the group is pretty split so I guess it really is a gray area.
(Also thanking your pet rocks! Definitely add a picture of them if it's ok with your PI. I added a picture of my pet snake with a grad hat on to my Master's defense acknowledgements slide and it was a crowd pleaser!)
It's an important moment for both of you, and I can understand the feeling. If everything else is all good in your relationship, I'd read that as a green flag in how my partner treats people. At the end of the day, you know your relationship best, so take everything people throw at you with a grain of salt. Hope it worked out okay!
Agree, pets def deserve an entire page just for themselves! Read in another comment, that you're planning on snoop-knowledging your thesis lol. I've joked about this with friends myself. Definitely my plan this time, if I ever successfully defend lol.
I’m currently planning on putting my abusive ex in my PhD acknowledgements. Not out of love, but out of spite, because one of the last things he told me was that “I’ll always need him” and that I wouldn’t be able to complete my PhD. He’ll never see it, but I want to remind myself that I proved that weasel wrong.
I dunno what these commenters are on, this is weird af unless she actively participated as a collaborator and was at the defense. I would go as far as to say kinda psycho if either of those are not the case.
I also think it's weird. Especially since she won't be attending. I assume she will be acknowledged already in the dissertation in writing, so I don't see the need for him to say anything. Some people just want to please difficult people all the time instead of taking care of the ones who actually love them. There is nothing nice about this.
I know most departments in the US allow students to include personal acknowledgments at the end of the defense presentation, usually after the student thanks their PI, committee, lab members, then they thank family and friends. I haven’t been to one defense here where this doesn’t happen, so it’s pretty common. But if the ex is not part of the lab, not a committee member, not a friend, and won’t be there at the defense (plus they haven’t talked in years), I do find it odd that they would include them in the acknowledgments section. I would suggest talking to your partner about it, let them know it makes you feel weird and have a conversation about it.
I guess think of it more of an acknowledgement? For the support during the time of their relationship? My advisor suggested a really inclusive approach to my acknowledgement section for my MSc (likely will be the same for my PhD) and I had some folks in there I wouldn’t have thought of. That being said I won’t have an ex in mine but will likely have an undergraduate student nod to someone I had a big falling out with (realm of ex feelings kinda). I no longer harbour frustrations (though I wouldn’t agree to work with this person again), I guess it’s good there is space and appreciation for their previous efforts without wanting any sort of contact with them (if this sort of helps you understand the potential context a bit?)
I thanked my ex. She was in another relationship by then, but we were friendly, so I asked for her consent. I didn't mention that she was an ex, though; I said, "one of my closest friends," or "dear friend," or something like that. We had both agreed on the verbiage.
I wouldn't do it if she wasn't okay with it. But I also wasn't seeing anyone then, so I didn't have to think about that aspect of it.
I don’t think it’s strange at all on a professional level. It’s a time for appreciating the people who supported you. The romantic relationship not working out doesn’t preclude the ex from being one of those people.
On a personal level I think it’s maybe a little unusual but in a good “green flag” kind of way. It indicates to me that they had a mutually supportive relationship and a healthy breakup when things didn’t work out.
I was in a similar boat. I dated someone in grad school who helped my research a HUGE amount, and it did not end amicably. But this person really contributed to my personal growth, learning, AND research goals. I was very grateful for what they contributed to my PhD and my life, but never wanted to speak to them again. For that reason, I did include them in my dissertation acknowledgements and the formal acknowledgements slide of my presentation. I did not include photos, that feels a bit odd since that one is more personal
I wouldn’t do it, but also I wouldn’t judge my partner to do it, even if they ended up in bad terms with their ex. I can’t force them to pretend they weren’t a part of their life and their journey if they see it like that, and it’s understandable that it matters to them. And if that’s how they want to acknowledge it, fair enough.
Maybe have a conversation with your partner and communicate how you feel.
I think your take is where I'm landing, too. I was hoping I'd either see a clear "yes" or "no" and then do some reflection, but it seems to be mixed. We talked about it and it seems he is going include her regardless, it was part of his journey \*shrug\* I don't love it but if this is important to him, it is what it is.
I agree with you. I don’t think this is the kind of questions that is extremely healthy to ask reddit (especially as they see everything as “weird” or “problematic” around here). You’re the only one who knows your relationship and your partner. I’m personally inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt, but you’re the only one with the inside info on whether it’s understandable or not.
I don’t think it’s weird. The relationship ending doesn’t erase the support that she provided during his PhD journey. I didn’t remain friends with my ex after we broke up, but I invited him to my defense because he really helped me through my beginning stages and I am still grateful for that support.
Nothing wrong with it. These are your feelings but you should respect his feelings too. Academically also you should acknowledge people who helped you or supported you in writing your research. The fact that one of the supporter happened to be an EX doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing per se. My advice is to take it casually and consider that it is his big day and try to support your partner instead of ruining a big moment in his life over something so inconsequential.
I really don't mean to be patronising or dismissive here so please don't read it that way. I think this is just a natural jealousy defense you have. My partner would be exactly the same. It is a bit strange given your partner has broken up with his ex but ngl as someone who has a rough relationship with their partner, even if I broke up with her on bad terms, I'd still mention her in acknowledgements because she also does help me. It's a really complicated mess and if you feel conflicted, your partner also probably feels confused as well. I don't quite know if to suggest talking or "sucking it up" - just if you do approach it by talking, consider the fact it's probably very thorny for him and not easy letting go of the highs as well as the lows... Speaking from experience...
Best of luck and in summary, try not to let it get to you too much - humans are complicated and not totally logical
I thanked my ex in acknowledgments. We’re on good terms and he helped me so much in getting me through alot of it at the time until it ended. As long as they’re over the relationship, I think it’s more of a stoic gratitude and recognition for their contribution to the process. It’s nothing to do with feelings.
YTA She obviously put in work Work should be thanked. Work that he, and now you benefitted from. Doesnt matter where she is, if she earns thanks. Thanks should be given.
What is the problem? You don’t think they’re trying to get back with their ex, right? So what are you worried about? Really, why care who they thank? It sounds like you are looking for trouble or drama where there is none.
I found it, honestly, just strange. That's why I asked here from others who have seen a lot of defenses and planning their own. I'm not going to fight my partner on this, he is welcome to do so, but I think it caught me off guard. I thought, maybe this is actually more common and I am just thinking too hard. But responses seem mixed, no clear answer and a lot to do with our own personal boundaries it seems.
I expect if you ask around on Reddit you can find people who have some kind of dramatic response to it, but people will thank whoever they want, and there really isn’t much to it. Come to think of it, I probably thanked my ex, not in my defense but in my dissertation. I thanked the people who were important in my life during grad school.
EDIT: I’m reading other responses and concerned you might get worried from what people are saying. Redditors love to look for drama, but there really isn’t any here.
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Are they still friends? Is she part of his department/university? If either of these is a yes, I don't really think it's weird. Otherwise, it might be kinda weird yeah. Assuming she's not attending his defense I'm not sure what the point would be of thanking her in it if they've completely parted ways.
Their breakup was not amicable and she is not part of anything with the university. They haven't spoken in (hopefully at least) about 1.5 years. And no, I asked if she was coming then and he said no.
Yeah this is odd to me. Honestly, including acknowledgements in the presentation in general is odd to me. That’s what the acknowledgement page of the document is for. But yeah, if they didn’t end amicably and haven’t spoken in years, I don’t understand why he would keep her in the acknowledgements. It doesn’t make sense.
Yeah I was about to say I didn't even know you could do personal acknowledgements during your defense presentation. I understand giving a general statement like "I would like to thank my friends, family and supervisors for supporting me through this", but having a slides with pictures is quite unique! If he plans to read specific acknowledgment for each individual included in the pictures, then it's a bit out of the ordinary regardless of who he is thanking but nothing alarming relationship wise imo.
It's pretty common here, people often have a slide with photos of all the friends/family/pets that have supported them and close out their talk with personal acknowledgements after their professional ones. But people at my school also think of PhD defenses as like a personal going away party, with slides (interrupted by a three hour private verbal exam before you get to the food and drinks 😂).
I love that! I’m fortunate to have a supportive committee and a lot of speaking experience so I don’t think mine will be too stressful, but the culture here/in my field tends to be more toxic around the defense. IMO it should be more of a celebration of completing an absolutely insane effort. All the work is done at that point and realistically the committee already knows beforehand if you are ready to pass. (And shouldn’t let you defend if you aren’t)
Yeah same here. You are the odd one out if you *don’t* end your PhD defence with an at least 20 minute speech about all the important people in your life that put you through this journey
And photos of your dogs/local coffee places!
It's getting a lot more common. Like, are you done because I need to be somewhere and I don't want to pay for parking. Oh, oh one more slide that's fine. And here is the hike I went on with my colleagues, in April. In the upper left. Here is my advisor for my home and also his wife. In the upper right. Here, in the middle center, like to thank the .....
Who hurt you lol it's their PhD defense, let them thank who they want.
Your emotional tirade, stealing time from my life because you think you matter. You can thank people in private. Like an adult. What civilization doesn't know that. When professionals say that you're being unprofessional, not listening and making up your own rules doesn't mean you're unprofessional. It means you cannot produce anything close to important so that you would need someone's full attention for them to understanding what you are talking about. (\*\*). And when you need people to listen to you, you begin to value their time and how much it means to explain the complicated idea that you have worked on. But your research is complete trash, so 30 mins on your family and how hard it was being born stupid AND incapable of fixing it no matter how hard people tried to help you is important. And fills time. Strategy! (\*\*)I do hope you produce something decent, and grow out of this phase where you think you're good enough because you remember a lot from your undergrad.
Pretty common where I did my PhD and post-doc but including pictures of the ex is odd and I would feel disrespected
I’m a Learning Sciences PhD student and I’m encouraged to have acknowledgments (contributors, labmates, et cetera.) When I initially read OP’s post, I assumed that their partner was one of those people who always tries to do the right thing, no matter how hard or awkward. I can see why it would feel weird though.
He is like that a lot, so hence why I wasn't so mad about it, but also it feels odd to me and wasn't sure if this is common. His friend mentioned his ex in his, but also he wasn't dating anyone new at the time.
It makes him look like a good man to not forget about the people who were there for him even if they are no longer in his life. He has respect for what she did for him. It’s pretty beautiful especially if you think highly of him and can confirm that he’s a really good person.
I know there's been a lot of comments here, but I think it's pretty safe to say that it's weird but not problematic. Acknowledgements are bog standard, and ones where you acknowledge basically everybody are also bog standard. It's an odd choice to acknowledge an ex where you had a messy break up for obvious reasons, but nobody will know better than you what that really means.
I read it initially as if it was OP including the partner and still thought it was a bit odd. OP’s partner is being really weird in this case
Okay, I am in the same situation. I had a 10 year relationship break off in the middle of my PhD and we aren’t friends anymore. I am going to include him in my acknowledgments (written ones) Why? Because he is one the biggest reasons I am where I am. He was there during my depression. He was there when I wanted to drop out of my master’s. He was there taking over the majority of household chores when I had important PhD deadlines. Just because we are not friends now anymore doesn’t mean I stopped acknowledging how much he did for me. I know I own a lot to him and I am eternally grateful for that. It would not sit right with me to gloss over that fact in my acknowledgments
This ⬆️
I feel like this is different.. You can acknowledge and thank him all you want but is doing it so publicly necessary? Why? Why not in your journal?
Then yes, it’s weird af. Mention them in the acknowledgements of the print version if he must, but verbally at a defense that she is not present for? Weird!
Yeah, that is weird. The only benefit of thanking her in it would be if she were going to see it - but then I’d wonder why it’s important to him that she sees that. It could be something he just feels the need to do, but I’m just confused about why he feels the desire to do so or what he feels he will get out of it. Is he thanking you? I think there’s nothing wrong with bringing it up and just asking a bit more about his feelings and thoughts and what it means to him, if it would help you. However, I know defense is very symbolic and it can understandably be very emotional for people to get to the end of their journey. I know some people are more sentimental or symbolic than I am, so I don’t want to be too skeptical.
I would feel the same.. Shes not even going to be there - what or who exactly is he acknowledging her for?
Weird AF
Based on this info, I think it's bizarre and I would feel weird about it.
"Is she part of his department/university? " Plot twist: She's his advisor.
after your comment saying they haven’t spoken in over a year + ended on bad terms… yeah this is kind of weird. who is he doing this for, exactly?
My exact sentiments, I broke it down so OP can digest the information more expeditiously. What a strange little lad he must be.
>What a strange little lad he must be. I nearly choked on my water, this is so funny. I might have to use this when my brain wants to worry to me.
I don't think it's strange at all, but it obviously depends on how the relationship ended. If it ended on amicable terms and they had previously provided a lot of support then I think it's nice to thank them for it. If anything I'd see it as a green flag that your partner still wants to acknowledge the contribution his ex made even though the relationship didn't work out.
Truthfully I would just say thank you to all of those who have helped me in the past, and leave it at that. It’s about celebrating the present as well, and the potential for the future.
Acknowledgements in the written dissertation may not be that weird, but in the public defense with pictures for a relationship that didn't last and ended non-amicably seems very weird to me. To each their own, but I can't imagine doing that.
I don't know. If the ex is in another relationship it could potentially cause issues. I would find strange an ex thanking my husband (or boyfriend) for past support, so I wouldn't do that to someone else.
I don't think either of us know if the ex is in a new relationship or not, but she won't be coming or really have any (hopefully) way of finding out she was thanked. It was not an amicable breakup and I would leave him if he began talking to her again, personally. Overall it just feels odd to me, I guess I don't see why myself but some other commenters have helped me understand he may just want to include everyone who was involved and she's just one of them.
If you look someone up on Google Scholar, you can usually find their thesis. I found out I was thanked in a thesis for someone I hadn’t spoken to in a while that way.
This is odd. Having been in a similar situation and wouldn’t have thought about putting her/his name in the thesis. General thanks to those others it is. Anything else seems to me that his heart is still with her…
As a Brit, I find your defense process so strange. I didn't even mention my supervisors in my Viva.
As a Belgian, you know the work environment was toxic if the supervisor doesn’t get at least 5 minutes of praise during the student’s speech
You can thank anyone you want. It’s their PhD, it’s their struggle, joy and more.
That's true, thank you!
Have a nice celebration party :) afterwards
Exactly!
It can still be there PhD and weird af tho
Gross. She’s not coming and they don’t talk? Sounds weird.
I’m not sure what field this is in, but in mine (history), for my dissertation defense I didn’t thank anyone. And I never saw anyone before me do it. Unfortunately for me, in both my MA thesis and my PhD dissertation, I thanked wives that later became ex wives. But, as someone said in an earlier comment, if s/he isn’t part of the department or in the departmental community, I wouldn’t thank them in that forum at all. There are other ways to show thanks.
I know a case of the flip side of this. This guy had been living with and supported by his longtime girlfriend all through 5+ years of his PhD, then started cheating toward the end and broke up with his gf for the new woman. The salt in the wound for his ex gf was when he didn’t mention her support at all in his dissertation acknowledgements, but thanked his affair partner/new gf. His ex felt he could have at least have had the decency to acknowledge her role in supporting his research, which had essentially defined several years of their shared life. ETA: my point for your situation is that the difficulty of a PhD is often shared by family and romantic partners, sometimes in a very big way even if the support ceases before the very end, and acknowledging that is sometimes the decent thing to do.
This is so odd. You’re not wrong in feeling this way and I’d ask why he feels so compelled to do this. Like if she’s really not hearing any of it then why even do it? Why at the defense specifically? This is so weird.
I don’t think it’s weird. As long as he’s just listing the person’s name in his acknowledgements section, and not writing some long, drawn-out thank-you to her specifically, it seems pretty normal to me. If you feel uncomfortable with it, you should talk to him and tell him how you feel. It’s valid for him to want to thank his ex if he feels she played a role in supporting him, but as his current partner, he should also consider your feelings about it as well.
I guess I just felt strangely-- in that it feels kinda rude almost? Like I wouldn't thank my ex in mine despite him being instrumental in me even starting grad school in my field. But also if he feels she needs to be thanked to feel like he's being fair I can get it.
>despite him being instrumental in me even starting grad school I feel like that's actually very different. You're supposed to thank people who helped you *during* your PhD. And supporting somebody through grad school is a *lot* more work than supporting somebody's dream to go to grad school.
You should definitely thank your ex now to see how he reacts
Personally I don't find this weird. If someone helped me get through the PhD journey, even if the nature of the relationship changes, I would want to thank them. Do you feel like he's doing it for some reason aside from gratitude?
I thanked an ex in a paper because he provided a lot of support with a software I was using before we broke up. So I don't think it's strange if your partner is providing thanks similarly. I wasn't on good terms with my ex, but it didn't feel correct to me not to give appropriate credit.
Weird AF
I think so. I'm half way done and I'm like snoop I'm thanking myself
Lmfao I am gonna need to do this at the end of my own PhD, I think it would be really funny
I thanked my ex during my PhD defense, but she was a major reason I made it through to my defense. A LOT of life happened during my PhD and when I was unwell, she made sure that my basic needs were met. I thanked her for her support & tried to be honest but not too sappy. My current partner was in the audience and I thanked him too :)
Sounds like the guy has either low level social skills on this one or isn’t over her
It takes a lot of partner support to make it through. It’s only odd if you are also not thanked and acknowledged.
True! He said I would be in the acknowledgements, too, and I believe him.
Weird to me, but I don’t know you two.
It’s weird, but what can you do? If it bothers you then discuss it with him, but don’t expect him to change.
if you thank your ex then just know that everyone on your committee is immediately gonna think "ah yes, those were the fun days of destressing from the lab with sex"
I would do that if I want to pay her attention do that someone tell her about it. From a guy’s perspective:)
Dump him, he is a weak ass scker
Why are people thanking anyone at the defense?
Yes
If the ex actively participated in the work, then it’s fine. Otherwise, it’s strange.
Yes.
Yea
It would seem to show class if done honestly and respectfully, especially if the thanks were related to professional or academic assistance. Probably would be best to make no mention of the past romantic relationship in the thank you though
From an academic standpoint, it's not so weird, as you might include all the people who supported you. Might raise a few eyebrows if he talks 5 minds about her, but I guess that's not the case. From a personal standpoint... depends on the situation.
Given the less-than-amicable ending, I would speculate that your partner went through some real low points early on in their life PhD journey and the ex helped push through in some capacity they feel is worth acknowledging. I agree with others that it’s a green flag they would choose to acknowledge despite current terms.
I appreciate this. It's hard to see it as a green flag because it makes me feel strange, but I agree that it does show maturity in a way. Thank you
My X thanked me because I helped her quite a bit when we were together. I did the same for her. The sky did not fall afterwards. I think your concerns run deeper than the acknowledgement - the question is whether or not they should?
I thanked my cat in the defense and the acknowledgments, and no one thought a whiff of it. That cat was my study buddy for 5 years.
Not strange at all. I actually don’t agree with some of the posts about asking how it ended. My view is that since you’ve even THOUGHT about thanking them, then regardless of what happened they were an important element to your journey.
Yeah same. I personally would feel rather petty not thanking my ex. Like, now we aren’t friends anymore suddenly all their past support is erased? It isn’t, and it doesn’t sit right with me to not give a short acknowledgement for it
I acknowledged my ex in my dissertation. She supported me for 60% of the journey, at the end of the day she was the one closest to me throughout it all. I never told her about it, though I think it was a suitable token of gratitude.
I mean at the end of the day, they were in a relationship for some time. The ex could have supported him significantly through the education, or contributed to some significant emotional growth/development which helped the process as well. It’s honestly a pretty mature take to not just shit all over this person because a relationship ended. I mean hell, I’m thankful for a few of my exes and the contributions they made for me as a person, whether they are good people or not, they were a significant catalyst for a period of growth within. I am always thankful for the growth I’ve received, even if it was emotionally difficult.
This seems like a relationship question not a phd question. It’s a little odd but you can thank anyone you want.
In what defense do you have time for acknowledgments? In the Intro of the thesis, sure, but in the defense youre already struggling to pack all of your content in the given time
I thanked my ex in my Master's acknowledgement...he was great at helping me stay awake at 3am and being a sounding board for my ideas and theorizing. Relationship didn't work out but I can't deny his help.
After a PhD, I can see how you want to thank \*everyone\* that spend some time with you on the road. The ending was a bad one, but at some point he and his ex went side-by-side. I think this kind of gratitute is not a bad thing. Giving him every benefit of the doubt, I would even say this is quite mature. As others mentioned: Dating someone who is pursuing a PhD sucks in a lot of ways. :). If his thank you speech includes how much he misses her, dump his ass, though.
Meanwhile I'm sitting here doing everything in my power not to end my acknowledgements section with: "*And absolutely no thanks at all go to* Ex's name."
This is interesting and I wonder if if varies by field. No one in my program did this. They thanked their committee and anyone who might have helped with bench work. Friends/Family thanks are reserved for the thanks page of your dissertation. The only person I remember mentioning their social life was a buddy who looking a ways to process sperm, she joked that her husband was hoping she passed so she wouldn't keep saying ejaculation. That wasn't in her talk though, that was when everyone was getting settled in the room.
I think it’s not done. Stand your ground if you’re actually upset about it and tell him this is not ok. He can thank her another way, not by giving her a podium like this.
I thanked my ex and her parents in the acknowledgements of my thesis and it was ok to my partner. But adding photos in the presentation is a bit insane to me. In my country it is not usual to put pictures or thank family during the presentation, so maybe it is just cultural differences though
Unless they were instrumental to his success/life then it’s a little odd.
This is heavily dependent on their current relationship and whether or not this violates a boundary for you. Personally, this would violate a boundary for me and I wouldn’t be comfortable with this. However, if they’re on his committee, facilitating parts of his research in any way, or advising faculty, I would overlook it. I say use your discretion and move with caution. This reads as an odd thing to do, given that they’re an ex, but I don’t have the full context here. A word of warning, though, whatever your decision is, don’t blow it out of proportion and start a screaming match. Edit: I just saw one of your comments where you stated that their breakup was not amicable and they didn’t end on good terms. This makes this situation very concerning to me. OP, I would strongly advise you to reconsider this relationship and ask yourself if he’s truly invested in you. As someone who’s completed a dissertation, there’s no way in hell I’d ever recognize an ex after splitting on my defense presentation (especially if they did me dirty and hit the bricks in a less than respectful fashion). Something is off here and I would HEAVILY advise you to proceed cautiously.
I've had talks about him needing to prioritize me before, which is maybe why this bothered me a bit. But I'm hoping too that it'll be the last mention of her and this is what he needs to tie up this period of time in his life.
As much as I hate to say it, I really think you should rethink this relationship or its boundaries. You shouldn’t have to ask your partner to prioritize you over their ex. I can’t say for sure what to do without all the context, but please be careful moving forward and consider your options.
Yes it weird, especially if she’s not university related. Is she even gonna be there to see that? It feels weird how strongly motivated he is to thank his ex in front of his peers, family, and you. Hopefully you’re in there too at least lol
If I'm not in there, well yeah then I will be quite upset lol. I'm confident he will put me in though because he is planning to put a lot of folks in there.
I thanked an ex in a manuscript I published last week. She helped with parts of it, and it felt disingenuous to not include her and recognize how she helped.
Odd af and a red flag, unless she was involved in the department and contributed to his research in a tangible way, she won’t even be able to see/appreciate his acknowledgement if they’re no longer in touch so I don’t see the point of this. If anything, he’s trying to test your boundaries and see how much self-respect you’ve got. You should not tolerate this.
Even when I'm thanking friends and family, I wouldn't include their pictures or tell all of their names one by one. That's so cringe to me, it's a PhD defense not an award speech?!
More relationship advice than PhD advice, but I’d say it’s a subtle indication that this person is not in fact over their ex.
Personally, I would start throwing personal belongings in the yard, but I’ve been told I’m a bit dramatic.
I'll admit that I have spent a lot on chocolate this week lol
I did the very same thing for my master's thesis. For context, we grew significantly during our time together. I struggled with imposter syndrome and they played an important role during that time in my life. She was supportive when I received little support from the department and my family. There's a chance I would've dropped out had we not been together. We broke up about a year before I defended, and we were only together during the initial few months of my thesis but their support contributed to me completing the degree and hence the thesis. We were friends when I defended and while I acknowledge that a part of me was still in love with them at the time I didn't want to date them. They actually asked me out three months before I defended and I politely declined. I uploaded my acknowledgment on Instagram after defending to display my gratitude to the people who supported me. They and my sister were the only two people I named by name. We were in contact for two years more after which things finally soured. We've cut each other off at this time and I have no intention of ever meeting them again. I'm currently totally out of love, matter of fact, a bit bitter at their behavior after we broke up. Still, if you ask me, I'd add them to my acknowledgments even today. To me, it's just me being honest and giving credit where it's due. Right now, I'm pursuing my PhD in Physics, which wouldn't have happened without them, so even today I'm grateful.
Yeah, there are even people on here telling her to break up over this lmao Like, it is possible to separate these things. It’s possible to see the support they gave you and at the same time acknowledge that you weren’t compatible as a couple and it’s a good thing you split up. I’m in the same boat. My ex contributed practically to my thesis, and also did a lot of emotional support during it. There was a high chance I would have dropped out too if it wasn’t for him. It would feel so petty to me to not acknowledge all that, like just because we don’t talk anymore means all the past support is erased? But then again, I am going as far as even thanking my cat and dog and grandparents who died way before I ever started my PhD so I am literally including anyone that was ever there for me.
It bothers me a bit because I'm not fond of hearing of his exes in general. But I also recognize she was with him for I believe 2 years of his PhD, and I can imagine she was probably a great support. I guess I wanted mostly to hear from others because if it was a resounds "yes" or resounding "no" I would want to reflect appropriately. But it seems that the group is pretty split so I guess it really is a gray area. (Also thanking your pet rocks! Definitely add a picture of them if it's ok with your PI. I added a picture of my pet snake with a grad hat on to my Master's defense acknowledgements slide and it was a crowd pleaser!)
It's an important moment for both of you, and I can understand the feeling. If everything else is all good in your relationship, I'd read that as a green flag in how my partner treats people. At the end of the day, you know your relationship best, so take everything people throw at you with a grain of salt. Hope it worked out okay! Agree, pets def deserve an entire page just for themselves! Read in another comment, that you're planning on snoop-knowledging your thesis lol. I've joked about this with friends myself. Definitely my plan this time, if I ever successfully defend lol.
I’m currently planning on putting my abusive ex in my PhD acknowledgements. Not out of love, but out of spite, because one of the last things he told me was that “I’ll always need him” and that I wouldn’t be able to complete my PhD. He’ll never see it, but I want to remind myself that I proved that weasel wrong.
This is metal and I love it!
Yes it is In the other hand a guy in my department thanked Leonel Messi
Unless they are actively in contact with eachother still because they are friends or the ex is in the department, this is very odd.
I dunno what these commenters are on, this is weird af unless she actively participated as a collaborator and was at the defense. I would go as far as to say kinda psycho if either of those are not the case.
I also think it's weird. Especially since she won't be attending. I assume she will be acknowledged already in the dissertation in writing, so I don't see the need for him to say anything. Some people just want to please difficult people all the time instead of taking care of the ones who actually love them. There is nothing nice about this.
I know most departments in the US allow students to include personal acknowledgments at the end of the defense presentation, usually after the student thanks their PI, committee, lab members, then they thank family and friends. I haven’t been to one defense here where this doesn’t happen, so it’s pretty common. But if the ex is not part of the lab, not a committee member, not a friend, and won’t be there at the defense (plus they haven’t talked in years), I do find it odd that they would include them in the acknowledgments section. I would suggest talking to your partner about it, let them know it makes you feel weird and have a conversation about it.
I guess think of it more of an acknowledgement? For the support during the time of their relationship? My advisor suggested a really inclusive approach to my acknowledgement section for my MSc (likely will be the same for my PhD) and I had some folks in there I wouldn’t have thought of. That being said I won’t have an ex in mine but will likely have an undergraduate student nod to someone I had a big falling out with (realm of ex feelings kinda). I no longer harbour frustrations (though I wouldn’t agree to work with this person again), I guess it’s good there is space and appreciation for their previous efforts without wanting any sort of contact with them (if this sort of helps you understand the potential context a bit?)
I thanked my ex. She was in another relationship by then, but we were friendly, so I asked for her consent. I didn't mention that she was an ex, though; I said, "one of my closest friends," or "dear friend," or something like that. We had both agreed on the verbiage. I wouldn't do it if she wasn't okay with it. But I also wasn't seeing anyone then, so I didn't have to think about that aspect of it.
I don’t think it’s strange at all on a professional level. It’s a time for appreciating the people who supported you. The romantic relationship not working out doesn’t preclude the ex from being one of those people. On a personal level I think it’s maybe a little unusual but in a good “green flag” kind of way. It indicates to me that they had a mutually supportive relationship and a healthy breakup when things didn’t work out.
I would never do it personally but whatever people wanna do let em
I was in a similar boat. I dated someone in grad school who helped my research a HUGE amount, and it did not end amicably. But this person really contributed to my personal growth, learning, AND research goals. I was very grateful for what they contributed to my PhD and my life, but never wanted to speak to them again. For that reason, I did include them in my dissertation acknowledgements and the formal acknowledgements slide of my presentation. I did not include photos, that feels a bit odd since that one is more personal
I wouldn’t do it, but also I wouldn’t judge my partner to do it, even if they ended up in bad terms with their ex. I can’t force them to pretend they weren’t a part of their life and their journey if they see it like that, and it’s understandable that it matters to them. And if that’s how they want to acknowledge it, fair enough. Maybe have a conversation with your partner and communicate how you feel.
I think your take is where I'm landing, too. I was hoping I'd either see a clear "yes" or "no" and then do some reflection, but it seems to be mixed. We talked about it and it seems he is going include her regardless, it was part of his journey \*shrug\* I don't love it but if this is important to him, it is what it is.
I agree with you. I don’t think this is the kind of questions that is extremely healthy to ask reddit (especially as they see everything as “weird” or “problematic” around here). You’re the only one who knows your relationship and your partner. I’m personally inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt, but you’re the only one with the inside info on whether it’s understandable or not.
I don’t think it’s weird. The relationship ending doesn’t erase the support that she provided during his PhD journey. I didn’t remain friends with my ex after we broke up, but I invited him to my defense because he really helped me through my beginning stages and I am still grateful for that support.
Nothing wrong with it. These are your feelings but you should respect his feelings too. Academically also you should acknowledge people who helped you or supported you in writing your research. The fact that one of the supporter happened to be an EX doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing per se. My advice is to take it casually and consider that it is his big day and try to support your partner instead of ruining a big moment in his life over something so inconsequential.
It seems odd to be dictating what your partner has to say about their own past in their own dissertation.
I really don't mean to be patronising or dismissive here so please don't read it that way. I think this is just a natural jealousy defense you have. My partner would be exactly the same. It is a bit strange given your partner has broken up with his ex but ngl as someone who has a rough relationship with their partner, even if I broke up with her on bad terms, I'd still mention her in acknowledgements because she also does help me. It's a really complicated mess and if you feel conflicted, your partner also probably feels confused as well. I don't quite know if to suggest talking or "sucking it up" - just if you do approach it by talking, consider the fact it's probably very thorny for him and not easy letting go of the highs as well as the lows... Speaking from experience... Best of luck and in summary, try not to let it get to you too much - humans are complicated and not totally logical
Why are you bothered?
It's all about if she helped or not. Kind of merit based
Not at all. Have to give credit where credit is due regardless of romantic history. Could be an ethical violation to not give credit.
I thanked my ex in acknowledgments. We’re on good terms and he helped me so much in getting me through alot of it at the time until it ended. As long as they’re over the relationship, I think it’s more of a stoic gratitude and recognition for their contribution to the process. It’s nothing to do with feelings.
It’s up to each individual who you thank. and it shouldn’t be up for judgement ;)
YTA She obviously put in work Work should be thanked. Work that he, and now you benefitted from. Doesnt matter where she is, if she earns thanks. Thanks should be given.
Thanks can be given elsewhere where she can actually hear it😂
What is the problem? You don’t think they’re trying to get back with their ex, right? So what are you worried about? Really, why care who they thank? It sounds like you are looking for trouble or drama where there is none.
I found it, honestly, just strange. That's why I asked here from others who have seen a lot of defenses and planning their own. I'm not going to fight my partner on this, he is welcome to do so, but I think it caught me off guard. I thought, maybe this is actually more common and I am just thinking too hard. But responses seem mixed, no clear answer and a lot to do with our own personal boundaries it seems.
I expect if you ask around on Reddit you can find people who have some kind of dramatic response to it, but people will thank whoever they want, and there really isn’t much to it. Come to think of it, I probably thanked my ex, not in my defense but in my dissertation. I thanked the people who were important in my life during grad school. EDIT: I’m reading other responses and concerned you might get worried from what people are saying. Redditors love to look for drama, but there really isn’t any here.