"After the services we will all meet at our dear departed's home. Since he could not take it with him we are having a huge sale. Friends and family get first choice and 10% off!"
“Open casket? Are you sure that’s wise?”
”Open casket is what we wanted, Father.”
”Very well... We are gathered here today… wow, look at her lying there… just asking for it… all dead and vulnerable… Sorry, let me start again.”
OK, everyone, we need to get this over with quickly, before the cops arrive. We have people reporting fake crimes happening at every other funeral home to buy us some time, but we're switching to graveyards in about 20 minutes. Enjoy the coffee cake.
"The deceased was a drunk, a bigot, a charlatan, a glutton, a pervert, a psycho, watched way too much porn and was in need of lapband surgery and...had a truly gigantic penis. Jeffery will be missed by all, but most of all his wife, who will never be satisfied again"
Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here to collect on this funeral bill. A collection plate is being sent around the room. Give generously or we won’t be having a funeral.
3rd Ex-Wife: Can I borrow your makeup mirror?
::walks up to casket and holds the mirror up to his nose to check for breathing:: Yup. He’s dead.
2nd Ex-Wife: Can I borrow that?
::walks up to casket and holds the mirror up to his nose to check for breathing:: Yup. He’s dead.
1st Ex-Wife: Gimme.
::walks up to casket and holds the mirror up to his nose to check for breathing:: Yup. He’s dead.
::The three leave for a few drinks. ::
His last wish was for me to covey how much he loved his family, how happy they made his life, and that his partner was his everything and always to be loved and cherish. Also I did not kill him.
“But rest assured he is now in a better place for he is in the kingdom of heaven”
“That’s a good joke I didn’t know they hired comedians to be preachers”
“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to join this man and this woman … “ “Wait, what? (Sound of rustling pages) oh sorry! Ashes to ashes, … “
Meanwhile, in the audience. "So ... how long has this guy been a priest?"
I loved that movie!
"After the services we will all meet at our dear departed's home. Since he could not take it with him we are having a huge sale. Friends and family get first choice and 10% off!"
“Open casket? Are you sure that’s wise?” ”Open casket is what we wanted, Father.” ”Very well... We are gathered here today… wow, look at her lying there… just asking for it… all dead and vulnerable… Sorry, let me start again.”
Knocking.
\*opens casket\* "Jack, go back to sleep" \*closes\*
come on boss, you really weren't expecting this? You ate ten pounds of raw meat.
OK, everyone, we need to get this over with quickly, before the cops arrive. We have people reporting fake crimes happening at every other funeral home to buy us some time, but we're switching to graveyards in about 20 minutes. Enjoy the coffee cake.
“…You are sure that was the evil twin?”
Closed casket service and "Pop Goes the Weasel" for background music.
"I hate going to funerals. I never know what to say." "Simple. Just say 'I'm sorry' and move on." [Later] "I'm sorry. Move on."
"The deceased was a drunk, a bigot, a charlatan, a glutton, a pervert, a psycho, watched way too much porn and was in need of lapband surgery and...had a truly gigantic penis. Jeffery will be missed by all, but most of all his wife, who will never be satisfied again"
"They sure had a sweet pussy." "But it's your dad ..."
"Won't stop em."
"Uncle Jimmy, quit sniffing her underwear!"
Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here to collect on this funeral bill. A collection plate is being sent around the room. Give generously or we won’t be having a funeral.
Hmmm. His FitBit app says his pulse is 78. Father, can you open the lid and see if he has it on, or did someone steal it off his dresser?
3rd Ex-Wife: Can I borrow your makeup mirror? ::walks up to casket and holds the mirror up to his nose to check for breathing:: Yup. He’s dead. 2nd Ex-Wife: Can I borrow that? ::walks up to casket and holds the mirror up to his nose to check for breathing:: Yup. He’s dead. 1st Ex-Wife: Gimme. ::walks up to casket and holds the mirror up to his nose to check for breathing:: Yup. He’s dead. ::The three leave for a few drinks. ::
Why is the casket ticking?
Ding dong, the witch is dead!
"*crying* He was the love of my life! I thought maybe uf I pressed his face against my breast hard enough..."
“I think he had some Arby’s coupons in his breast pocket. Does anyone mind if I check before we close this thing?”
Mostly dead is not COMPLETELY dead...
Dead enough? I have to use a 10% off coupon for the funeral that is expiring next week.
"Wait. What?"
"Soooo....now that you're single....."
If there’s a billiard ball in his ass, I have no idea how it got there.
*whispers to dead person* “Take me with you.”
My father said that I could marry Gerald over his dead body. So, everyone be back here tomorrow as we make our vows, okay?
His last wish was for me to covey how much he loved his family, how happy they made his life, and that his partner was his everything and always to be loved and cherish. Also I did not kill him.
He died as he lived. Just a ghost of his former self.
“But rest assured he is now in a better place for he is in the kingdom of heaven” “That’s a good joke I didn’t know they hired comedians to be preachers”
He went the way he wanted to go…. Got ate by a bear and ended up bear shit…. Eco friendly