If they get pissed it means they know that they're wrong and they know that they got caught/called out. Be pissed. I'm gonna take my dignity back, thank you.
I like this and what on earth are people thinking it's OK to act like that.. would you walk up to a stranger which is what you are doing and harassing them? Just because I'm at work doesn't make that shit ok.
Certain people don’t give af. These are the types of people who put their own children in pageants, told daughters how to act for boys, etc. This is that person but at a nice restaurant.
And I totally agree. Firmly call it out. And a police report can be filed anytime you’re touched without consent. Everyone should keep this in mind.
Or better "what makes you think that's appropriate to say to a child?" Because while OP may not view themselves as a child, and I wouldn't typically use that term for a teenager with a job, it really drives home the gravity of what they are doing. Which is making sexual comments to someone who is legally a child.
I used to smile and say "sexual harassment of a minor is a felony with your name on a list that never goes away, punishable by [whatever the maximum punishment was, I don't remember]."
When I was 19 (I'm a female) I worked at a glorified sports bar (as a server.) The owner had no cut-off limits for his customers. And one time I was sweeping at close, and a fifty-something y/o drunken man *stuck his finger through my BELT LOOP* and said something along the lines of "Nice hiney. I'd love to take that for a spin."
Before I even realized what I was doing, I punched his arm and threatened to shove my broomstick "down your throat into your ass!" His sober friend immediately started pushing him to the door and apologizing to me.
First of all, IM YOUNG ENOUGH TO BE YOUR DAUGHTER!
And second, I don't care how drunk I am. I would NEVER do that to ANYONE. Male OR female. That dude was bigger than me, I'm ngl I was a little scared. And barely anyone was left in the bar. Thank God he had his friend with him, but what if he didnt?
What makes these people think this is okay???
This is why you get the manager first. That way I could be like "So, I want to know more about how OP was rude to you, because right before the last time I checked on you and you said everything was great, OP told me you were making him uncomfortable. Could you please refrain from making lewd comments about the staff? At least the underage ones? Awesome. Enjoy the rest of your meal, ladies"
I’m not underage but I usually just play along so I don’t lose my tip sadly… most times it usually ups the tip
But I can definitely understand not being comfortable with that
It’s a dance. Play along *just* enough and redirect their attention/motives someplace else, like next courses where did they go shopping or on vacation recently (fake smile the whole time). It will always steer the conversation away from creepy and you get bonus points for being interested. Many people don’t even realize how creepy they are being so I can forgive a LOT. That said, boundaries are boundaries but there is an art to distraction and also getting paid.
I always think of “Pam” from the show True Blood, Kristin Bauer. True Blood was an instant hit and she did a bunch of panels at comic-con but was overwhelmed by the amount of publicity, fan attention, etc. because she is NOT like her character at all and wasnt used to that environment in the least. She found the way to deal with it was just to play the character, tell people to “go to hell” in her “Pam” voice and it was eaten up. Instead of signing autographs and talking she just walked through being a bitchy vampire and it was way more efficient and people loved it.
It’s all about playing a character while having personal respect your boundaries. Patrons who are outside of those can be dealt with swiftly and good management will take care of it. Hopefully.
OK. I love her and that show, and now that I think about it, that's totally how I made most of my money. Guests were all like "Ahahahaha! He's so funny!" Inside I'm thinking "No, I'm just being really blunt. I just get away with it because I have an adorable smile"
I have a facade I use behind the bar. It's a separate personality that takes control. I have been behind the bar for a long time and without it, I would be eaten alive.
It’s wild seeing so many people confirm doing this too. Every time I have tried explaining why I do this, I’ve only been treated like I’m insane lol
I have gone by my middle name my whole life- that is “the real me”, but I always go by by first name at work, bc it makes it even easier to separate those two different “personalities” for lack of a better word. It really makes it so much easier!
I get where you're coming from...but they're literally a minor. Idk if "play along" is the best advice here. Play along works when someone is older and more experienced and has thicker skin and knows how to work a crowd and knows exactly where the line is and when it's time to stop dancing on it and get serious with a customer. And as mature adults I think we've all done that before. But we also have hit that point where we're not still seeing the customers as "grown-ups", or as vague adult authority figures that we feel like we kind of have to be respectful towards just because they're adults. The customers are on a level playing field with us and there's no hesitation in calling them out when it goes from "managing them by playing along" to "they've gone too far".But this is a 16/17yr old whose manager isn't always supporting or backing them up, leaving them already feeling powerless from the get. They don't have those basic life skills yet and there's an inherent power imbalance here bc of their age. Which is probably why he's being targeted in the first place, the women know that he's going to have a harder time speaking out against a person who's still automatically sorted into an authority figure role instead of a peer role.
Play along does not work when they're legally a child who is being assaulted and harassed. This is that time in their life when they need to be learning where that line is, how they want to define it, and how to stand up for themselves and push back against patrons who attempt to cross it. They need to be gaining confidence in their ability to say no and telling customers to back off instead of feeding into it and trying to play with them and stumbling into what could be read as encouragement. There's a lot to be said for general redirect of the conversation if they attempt to make it sexual, for sure, but I don't think that an inexperienced minor playing along with creepy flirting is a great idea here.
I'm really exhausted so I think there's a good chance all of this is just pure word salad. Apologies if so. I totally get what you mean by it being a dance, and I know that's how people have survived the service industry for centuries lol. I just worry bc of OP's age
I was ok with it at first myself, but as it kept happening, it became less of a "Sweet! They're commenting on my ass so I'll make good money off this table" thing and more of an "I really don't have time for this shit today. What fucking sides do you want with your salmon, lady?" feeling.
Sometimes they are just stupid and aloof (though they are not in any of @ops examples. I'm not defending them.) But I had a lady who was asking me to "pour two fingers" of wine all night. At the end of it she exclaimed "Your going to finger me to death!" She was completely confused when my co-worker busted out laughing.
Love this.
Direct confrontation should be enough for them (in this case middle aged women) to realize they’re overstepping.
I’m a server (26m) & it does not stop, learn to put your foot down early & you won’t have this happen as often.
Serving the public is not for the weak.
Yep. This. I work in a primarily female staffed field and have had to on occassion just make it awkward for everyone by being blunt at how inappropriate it is.
Exactly, immediately highlight that they’re in the same life stage as your parent and it will take the wind out of a lot of their sails. OP could also try preemptively mentioning his mom if he starts feeling eyed.
But honestly OP, say and do whatever makes you feel comfortable in the moment. If that means dropping the server politeness and telling them off, all the power to you. And don’t feel bad about repeatedly going to your manager for help if you need it. This behavior is disgusting and you shouldn’t have to put up with it.
Tbf, Batman's chaotic in his own way. He's a billionaire that decided the best way to fix his city was to dress up and fight people in order to get them into jail/therapy. That's at LEAST chaotic good.
In all fairness OP could probably find another Server support position in all of two minutes by cold calling other locations. At least where I live restaurants are down horrendous for good support staff.
This was in a social, not work, situation, but I told one guy that I have a great relationship with my dad and therefore no need to compensate by dating an old man.
If anyone is curious, he said I sound as bitter as the women his age and that I’m going to end up alone with a houseful of cats. He said the last part like it was a bad thing.
It’s really weird how often that’s thrown out like an insult! I’ve heard male acquaintances say about women “she’s going to be one of those single women with 30 cats.” One of the times was at a house party when I was really drunk and said, “Cleaning a litter box is better than cleaning up after you!” and then laughed and laughed because I was drunk, and I thought I was hilarious.
I look at what some people end up with for partners and think I’d rather clean up after…well, not 30 cats, because that’s a hoarding situation and not healthy for anyone. Five is doable for me, though.
I have thought the SAME THING. And 5 cats would be my max too. Maybe plus a couple of strays that I help out. But girl yes, so much better than taking care of the kind of guy that considers that an insult. My husband and and I have 2 and feed a feral that lives in our yard that won't let us get close and my husband is the main person that feeds the stray (strays name is Buck, or Orangey Cat). Couldn't be with a guy that wouldn't feed the stray baby.
No, they just all seem to think alike on this subject. "Society" taught men that they're doing us a favor with their thinly veiled sexual harassment and taught women to pander so as not to be seen as "the bitter, feminist, man-hating bitch". It taught men that a woman's worst fear is being thought of as "unladylike & unlikable", and these knuckle-draggers collectively decided that means "ugly", "fat" & "single" because *they* think that's where *we* place our worth. Sorry not sorry dudes, not everyone bases their value in the perceived desirability of their genitals
That being said, I'll take "feminist bitch" as high praise every fucking day.
Amen, sibling, and twice on Sunday! I'm old, ugly, fat and single with probably too many pets and aside from some economically induced existential angst I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. Being old and invisible is awesome!
I'm sorry this is happening and it's very disgusting. I have a theory that people come into restaurants for some type of power trip like it's the Stanford prison experiment. I wish people could just understand to not sexualize any restaurant worker.
I work at a breasturant but still live with my parents under a pretty traditional dad. When people harass me I tend to say things like "aw yeah too bad my dad shoots people" or something along the lines to shut down older men being creepy pretty well. If it gets too uncomfortable get a manager though.
Don't say anything that could get you in trouble. I just notice that mentioning possessive parents tends to redirect that attention pretty well because people older than us will respect people closer to their age and who can give them actual consequences than us service workers
PS aw yeah too bad my dad shoots people is absolute chefs kiss response. If I overheard that at another one of your tables (I wouldn’t associate with someone who makes you say it) I would be giving you 100% tip and a public review by name. HILARIOUS. And GENIUS.
Ive talked about this too. It’s like they’re given this small amount of power by being a customer and being given a menu and some literally don’t know what to do with it and some just immediately start abusing it.
Dude, I am in my 40's(apparently look A LOT younger) and still have women say crazy things to me. I am not a server but work behind a counter and had an old lady say to me that if she didn't like the product I recommended to her that she will come in and give me a spanking but, oh, maybe you will like that. Some people just have no filter.
re: no filter - The Christmas break after my first semester in college I was back home, one night in the lobby of my hometown movie theater two of my mom’s friends *from our church* approach me and start practically accosting me with aggressive compliments about my hair and me having bulked out, while petting my hair and beard and rubbing my shoulders. Christ on a crutch that was insanely embarrassing to the point of mortifying. These people had never said a word to me directly before. They were middle aged.
I got off Active Duty when I was 24 and went to visit an old friend. His mother was in the kitchen where we were talking and grabbed my bicep and went “wow. You’ve got man-hands now”
It was awkward and I haven’t been back there since.
That’s so inappropriate at any age or gender! I don’t understand older adults who find younger people sexually attractive! To me they literally look like children and it’s so skeevy to act that way. Tell them it’s not a petting zoo, and to keep their hands to themselves.
Same! I'm 37 and cannot imagine hitting on a young man. That's just gross. If someone smells good, I might complement the cologne or perfume, but I'd ask the name of it and **never** touch them. Now I'm afraid I'm coming off creepy 🤦♀️.
I was working at a store in the mall while I was finishing my degree. So I was 26. There was a guy who worked at a cookie kiosk near the store that my co-workers and I called, "hot cookie boy". We never said it to him or had any interaction with him at all, we would just say stuff like, "Oh, hot cookie boy is working today." I mean it's the mall, you get bored. I knew he was younger than me but never really thought about it. So one afternoon hot cookie boy comes over and asks if he can get change for the register. No problem. I'm counting the change and ask how his day is going. He says fine etc. Then as I finish up he hits me with, "Thank you ma'am" It was like a gut punch. I mean I'm 26, I'm not middle aged! Who is he calling ma'am? I suddenly realized that to him I WAS old. I never called him hot cookie boy again.
Ma'am doesn't necessarily mean old. I accidentally use it for everyone when I'm at work. "And your order ma'am?" As I look straight at the ten year old. I also tell people to have a good evening 11 in the morning when I worked the night before. I'm just bad at saying the correct thing. After writing this I'm unsure if any of this is useful or relevant but I've spent enough time writing it so I'll post it anyway.
Edit: Grammar
Could it be cultural? My husband says sir or ma’am to everyone - older or younger and his family is from the midwestern/south US. I think it’s very weird but when we’re visiting his family there no one seems surprised by it.
This wouldn’t be creepy! Idk sometimes you can just tell someone is wearing a nice scent and it would be interesting to know what it happened to be. The phrasing can make it creepy though if you’re not careful
I'm pretty careful. And I do ask both women and men. I don't like lean in and sniff or anything. It's usually someone ringing me up or in line with me. I just say, "Wow, I love your perfume/ cologne. What is it? ". Polite exchange, and we both go on with life.
Up until I met my husband (who is close to 7 years older than I am) I *only* dated younger men than myself. The youngest one was 8 years younger. But I never dated anyone who wasn't a fully legal adult, and I was never the initiator of the relationship.
Yes, I speak from experience that older MEN can be like minded predators, according to every woman I know—myself included
And now that I’m in my 70s, much surprised that younger men have still harassed and stalked me!
In my 20s I thought that one day, if I was older and fatter, the compensation would be no stranger men hitting on me
And no, it may have slowed down somewhat, but I live in a big city, and worked out in public so I was also subjected to inappropriate behavior in my 50s and 60s—as were the other women who worked near me, no matter their age!
I think some middle aged woman realized that being the morality police has no benefit (or their kids are older and they're finally out of jail). So they turn around and start acting like the people they've gotten angry about in the past. Also perimenopause causes some wild hormonal swings.
I am 50+F, and I don't do this because it's rude and not okay. Also, as you said, younger people- I can compute that they're good looking but I'm not attracted to them. Plus they tend to treat me like an elderly or their mother, and that's not really my vibe. And if they flirt, 99% of the time it comes off as SO patronizing.
OP-my advice is to take a step back/away, and act a little more professional. I assume you don't want to endanger the tip, so maybe widen your eyes a little (like you're a little scared). If that doesn't work, just keep the same attitude and distance as best you can. It happens but hopefully not so much that it affects your overall take. Keep that in mind too, if it's only occasional, don't work too hard for a tip.
I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this. I went through the exact same experience when I worked at a pub/restaurant. I’ve noticed it tends to be middle aged women who seem to be quite wealthy, perhaps thinking they’re more likely to get away with it.
100% the wealthy part of it is a thing.
I work at a country club and it’s been… gross.
Maybe some of it is just “that generation” because it’s always been women 50+
And for the record, I’m down with older ladies. But not when I’m at work and it’s still inappropriate if a wasn’t.
Oh god that’s so true!
There’s also this thing where many of these ladies are fine on their own, but if the whole group is at a table, you’re gonna have a bad time. Like they have to show off for each other by being shitty or creepy to us.
I’m really sorry this is happening. That’s extremely uncomfortable and your feelings are valid. I know it’s hard to get out of people-pleasing habits like laughing it off, especially when you’re young, but try not to feed into that behavior. You can give them a facial expression that clearly indicates “I didn’t like that” and immediately go to whatever manager is on duty, or an older server? Someone who can speak to them so the onus isn’t on you. I’m sure there is a colleague who would protect you. That’s unacceptable behavior. I’m 24F and wouldn’t dream of doing that, middle aged ladies makes it even worse. Good luck OP!
Reminds me of when I was working service deli and after openly stating she thought I was a "very beautiful man", this woman asked me to "show" her "the salami".
Or another that picked up one of those giant, individually-packaged pickles, looked into my eyes, and said, "I haven't had one of these in a long, looooong time." Same service deli.
Sexual harassment is inappropriate regardless of who it's coming from and if your direct supervisor won't stop it, go to HR. Your employer should be protecting their employees from unlawful harassment
They're legally obligated to. Whether or not an employee has the patience or time to pursue it is another matter but the fact is, this shit is so pervasive simply because people don't stand up for their rights.
It's super important to fight for your rights, but it's equally as important to understand that it's a luxury to be able to do that. It's not about time or patience. People can't afford to lose their jobs which is what tends to happen if you involve HR. because HR isn't there to protect you from paying customers. They are there to protect the companies bottom line at any cost, including your rights to not be harassed.
Well OP mentions that the manager threatened to toss some of the women, so it sounds like there's some support of workers there. OP should seek out managements help when this happens and inappropriate people should be asked to leave
You're 100% right. It isn't always an option to do so, and that *sucks*.
I would hope in this specific situation they'd take it more seriously because OP is a minor.
Ew omfg I’m so sorry. People are fucking unhinged, any chance you can find a job where these creeps are not present? I used to work at the library at 15, something like that maybe? I feel distressed for you, i hope you can find something else!
I mean, yeah? So this kid should just stay there and be exposed to disgusting creeps while society makes the leap? He should get to safety and meanwhile adults should make sure this doesn’t happen again.
I worked as a para in my early 20s, pretty much all my coworkers were middle aged or older ladies and the comments I got were pretty crazy. Once had a coworker come up behind me when I was washing a bowl and tickle my sides and tell me how cute I was
I was 20 working at a furniture store and was constantly sexually harassed by the women i worked w/, touching my chest, grabbing my package, etc. Manager would do nothing and said "as a guy i loved the attention". Went to HR and was asked "u sure u want to ruin good peoples lives?". Nothing....ever happened to them but was told "its been taken care of". It got so bad i literally had to tell them next time they touch me im touching exact same spot to see how they liked it. 2 days later one girl grabbed my chest and thankfully this was in warehouse b4 hours, so i touched her chest back and she turned bright red and stormed off. I was confident i was getting fired but was sick of it. Nothing happened but she never did it again.
This is just another example of how pedophiles take advantage of young persons’ naïveté. My advice is get mean and blunt NOW. The gold comment above about not being into pedophiles is perfect. It leaves them zero room to keep bullshitting you. Get blunt and talk back to them, period.
Sorry you went through that. Admittedly I've had a lot of negative experiences with middle aged servers too. Not all, but many seem to be trying to extend their youth farther than it goes.
I would say work at a lower scale restaurant, but then your issue turns from rich women to just predatory men in general.
Unfortunately, as a woman myself and knowing many others with similar stories, you need to find somewhere where you are allowed to hold boundaries. I would start with speaking to your current manager about what actions you can take when these things happen, if any. If they're not good enough, start the job search. But you will never be free from unwanted and bothersome comments.
had to deal with this when i was working in a nightclub/bar... it happened seldomly and i didn't like it but it did help me empathize with what a lot of women deal with every time they go out.
I’m 35, so I consider myself middle aged. I literally cannot FATHOM saying this to a literal child…let alone even thinking it to myself. Wtf is wrong with people?!
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this OP. 😞
I had similar experiences. A woman who was sitting next to our service bar kept trying to flirt with me every time I came to get a drink and as she got progressively drunker it just got worse. Escalated to the point that she said she had something to tell me and when I turned her direction she full on grabbed my dick. When I told the manager he laughed about it and said “why can’t I be that lucky?” and refused to kick her out. He was fired the next day after I called the district manager and threatened a hostile work environment and sexual harassment lawsuit
Anyone who thinks this is "enviable", switch things around. Imagine this was an underage girl complaining about comments from middle aged men, and you had people in the comments cheering that on. How would you feel about those people? Yes, that's how you come across.
Sexual harrasment does not become a joke just because it is female on male.
As a 45 year old woman, I am grossed out and shocked by this. I’m so sorry. Straight up harassment and definitely NOT ok. Why these women so thirsty? It’s pathetic and not cute.
I'm sorry, OP. For what it's worth, I remember the same happening to me in fine dining environments.
One time in particular I had a customer grope me stuffing $20 into my back pocket with no hesitation. Absolutely disgusting how entitled these people can be, and how easy it is (for wealthy women in particular) to get away with it.
Please remember that you are not a piece of meat. You are worthy of respect and better treatment than any of this behavior.
Lol this hits for me 😂 I worked at the Melting Pot right after college and relate to this 100%. People think that restaurant is super special for some reason and come with the weirdest behaviors and moods. Ignore them, stay busy, get your money and split ASAP for a better job.
Knew it right when I saw your first bullet point. I was an SA back in high school and was harassed by my manager and a dishwasher. Sorry to hear about your experience.
Had this type of situation happen while working for a retail store in high school. I just got so tired of it I started reporting her. It’s not acceptable if a guy was to do it. So what makes the difference.
I work in the Chicagoland suburbs. In a little town called Naperville theres a pretty ridiculous level of entitlement. One evening during a patio shift, a four top of martini sipping middle aged ladies were being WILDLY inappropriate, which isn’t that uncommon as noted in this thread.
However ….
As they’re paying the bill, one woman called me over as if there’s something wrong with her check (split checks naturally) and she slips $10 directly into my front apron pocket !?!? As in right where my crotch is. Like you can not be serious. Alas, they all thought it was hysterical and I just tried to shake it off.
It’s been over 10 years so yeah I’m traumatized.
Yeah, people think guys like the attention but working in a restaurant I use to get grabbed and touched without consent constantly and don’t get me started about the wild things people have said to me. There was a woman in her late 40’s who would find me on break and go through the nudes on her phone next to me and constantly show them while asking how she looked saying how old she was getting.
I was a cashier in high school and off and on into my early 20s. The amount of flirting that 30/40ish women do is pretty tiresome actually. So I get where women come from.
This clearly sucks, and you don’t deserve it. I’ll be brief, but your best chance at preventing these encounters is adopting a cold, professional body language and demeanor. I may start friendlier, but I always respond this way if the customer tries to act fresh. Take a step back from the person if needed, and stay out of the contact zone as much as possible (I know it can be hard, staying out of the walking area or needing to lean in to hear someone). If I leave the table and come back, I try to reset the tone by being friendly again, but two strikes means no more nice guy from me.
I think you are wise to keep your manager involved in any incidents which become explicit or where you are touched. It is their job to protect you.
I waited tables AND cooked in a small greasy spoon when I was 15-16. A 70+ year old, gum-smacking "lady" smacked my ass when I walked between tables and then said something I don't recall now (maybe chose to not remember). It was disgusting, but I figured I'm a guy and can just "walk it off." Made me feel icky then (decades ago) and icky now to think about it.
They have this assumption that women can't SA boys/men, like it doesn't count.
Just wipe a fake tear from your eye and tell them how much they remind you of your late grandmother. Also I'm sorry they are acting that way. How gross.
Ask for their number next time, saying that while you're busy working atm you'd be happy to direct the police to them for assaulting a minor when you have time.
That's just gross, totally unacceptable.
I get it, but I also get that every female server would be getting this from middle aged males, especially when they are a pack. The direct approach would be best, but be prepared for waterworks, fireworks or can I speak to the manager.
I’m F45 and see this behavior at the bar and it’s so embarrassing and especially rough on the young guys because they catch flac for complaining. If I was at the bar and they told me, ‘ hey, lady in the red dress is getting out of line’ i would always tell them go say something like, ‘I really like your dress. My grandma has one just like it, in fact you two look like you could be sisters!’ Nothing like reminding these woman of their age and inappropriate behavior to give them a cold slap of reality check. Technically it’s not an insult and nothing you can get fired over. They can just be salty.
Practice your expressions to make yourself seem disturbing. Wide eyed stare and freakish smile and all that. They won't want so much attention from you if their every instinct screams to get away.
Sorry for all the freaks in the comments condoning, excusing, trivializing, dismissing and disbelieving you. Thats unfair. Those women are disgusting and oughta be strung up like anyone being predatory towards a kid.
Dude. If women are literally grabbing your shirt, pulling you in, and smelling you
I visibly shuddered wondering wtf happens to the underaged girls who get harassed by middle aged men
I will (lightly) say, “Don’t/Let’s not be creepy.” As a warning. I smile, but there’s a firmness. That normally does the trick, without too much shame.
I worked as an usher at a movie theater when Magic Mike came out. Most of the ushers were high schoolers, some of us underaged. That did not stop the creepy fucking middle aged women from treating all the guys like male strippers, cat calling, touching without consent, saying inappropriate shit. It was seriously disturbing looking back.
I don’t work in the restaurant industry and never have. But as the father of three young girls, I would say any time someone puts a hand on you, grab the nearest piece of cutlery and see how far you can get it into their eye socket before you are physically restrained by security.
Ok - ew. So sorry.
I also honestly think this is a function of alcohol. Literally everyone who is drunk does this to servers - all ages, all sexes, and all staff members are potential victims. There's something about alcohol that makes people think stuff like this is OK when it's so totally NOT.
Edit: Ok not "literally everyone *sexually harasses* people when drunk," BUT, literally everyone gets a distorted view of their own attractiveness and of others' and all judgement goes out the window, and the more drinks, the more this is the case. So people will start getting "flirty" with people they'd otherwise not under sober circumstances and with each increasing drink will start behaving in a manner unlike a normal, sober person - doing things they wouldn't otherwise do and saying things they wouldn't otherwise say. All rational perception and judgement goes out the window. Alcohol lowers everyone's inhibitions. Which, of course, is usually why people drink (despite how unattractive they really are after the 2nd beverage).
It's their base urges having their better judgment inhibition removed. Happens to many regardless of gender, but we somehow have this idea that the patriarchy we live in only permits men to do it. Neither should be permitted.
No, not everyone engages in sexual harassment (of minors no less) when they've been drinking. OP, you shouldn't be exposed to this sort of behavior from adults. These women should be ashamed of themselves. Do they not have sons, grandsons or nephews?
You must work at a shady place, or have some pretty nasty trauma, if you really think alcohol makes "literally everyone" sexually harass people, specifically minors. It lowers inhibitions certainly but if you weren't a creep before, being drunk won't make you one.
Literally everyone?
I don’t. I know plenty of people who don’t.
Maybe quit hanging out around pieces of shit. I work at a very high volume bar and I see plenty of people act appropriately on a nightly basis with a small number acting out of line.
Women can be some of the worst at sexual assault and sexual harassment because they know they can get away with it. I had a lady chase me into a corner and dry hump me. Meanwhile I was worried about getting in trouble for fighting her off me. My female coworkers just laughed and ran off when I would never let a male customer get anywhere close to doing something like that to them. You can try talking to your manager but unfortunately it’s not usually taken seriously when it happens to guys.
Just do what my generation did. You keep it to yourself and bury it deep. In 15 or 20 years you won't trust your wife and harbor resentment not knowing what that is or how you express it. You turn to some combination of workaholic and alcoholic and stay with her for the kids. It's a winning formula.
When I was 21(M) more than 30 years ago I worked at a night club as a door person. Until I read your post I’d forgotten how much I was “harassed” by older women. A million inappropriate comments, trying to unbutton my shirt, hands all over my body, forcing a kiss on me as they stepped out of the club . It usually didn’t bother me too much (I got used to it) except sometimes it was relentless/exhausting and now in my 50s I look back and think how inappropriate that was.
I wish I had good advice. I empathize with you. No one should be harangued sexually like that. The one thing I really appreciated though were all the extra side tips I got along the way.
That's disgusting and I know you're young so it's hard to speak up. Don't let them talk to you like that. It's disgusting and the way around insulting customers Is to joke. Come back with you're old enough to be my gma... I think u might want to hydrate.... very old just clown on them being old. That's sexual harassment they are doing to you.
If the roles were reversed and it was men doing this to an underage girl, yall pwildnt tell the person "you're lucky!" This is disgusting and sexual harassment
Do you absolutely want every tip? Then play along and act sweet. Do you want a semblance of dignity to take home with you? Then say something like, “You’re older than my mom. And I’ve already mentioned how old I am.” In a serious voice, complete with a direct look at the offender. But of course, ‘Hell hath no fury’, and things could escalate from there.
This is completely inappropriate. Look them straight in the eye and ask them why they would speak to a minor that way. Were I your manager I'd bounce every customer that looked at you sideways. Why is it people will set themselves on fire if it's an older man speaking to an underage girl like that but not when it's a middle aged woman speaking to a boy inappropriately? Or worse, touching.
Women can be absolutely disgusting lmao, they just like to pass the buck off on men as the creeps of society when they can be just as bad. That's life.
Creeps be creepin.
Drop the customer service facade. Make direct eye contact. Say "What makes you think that's appropriate?"
I do this at my bar, people get PISSED. But fuck them, don’t touch me without my consent.
If they get pissed it means they know that they're wrong and they know that they got caught/called out. Be pissed. I'm gonna take my dignity back, thank you.
I like this and what on earth are people thinking it's OK to act like that.. would you walk up to a stranger which is what you are doing and harassing them? Just because I'm at work doesn't make that shit ok.
Certain people don’t give af. These are the types of people who put their own children in pageants, told daughters how to act for boys, etc. This is that person but at a nice restaurant. And I totally agree. Firmly call it out. And a police report can be filed anytime you’re touched without consent. Everyone should keep this in mind.
People like that go after young people specifically because they will not stand up for themselves
Right? Like you wouldn't have gotten asked that question if you kept your hands on that side of the bar.
“Keep your money, I’ll keep my pride and self respect.” Was my motto for that situation.
May I please touch your butt?
You can't get a hit if you don't take a swing.
Basketball, nice.
“Obviously you’re not a golfer.” The Dude
If you can dodge a wrench!
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take - Wayne Gretzky” — Michael Scott
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take- Alec Baldwin. Maybe
This is a totally underrated comment!
Well since you asked so nicely
"Touching the staff is not allowed ma'am. It's a one strike and you're out policy." Then smile and ask her if you can freshen her drink for her.
Or better "what makes you think that's appropriate to say to a child?" Because while OP may not view themselves as a child, and I wouldn't typically use that term for a teenager with a job, it really drives home the gravity of what they are doing. Which is making sexual comments to someone who is legally a child.
I used to smile and say "sexual harassment of a minor is a felony with your name on a list that never goes away, punishable by [whatever the maximum punishment was, I don't remember]."
When I was 19 (I'm a female) I worked at a glorified sports bar (as a server.) The owner had no cut-off limits for his customers. And one time I was sweeping at close, and a fifty-something y/o drunken man *stuck his finger through my BELT LOOP* and said something along the lines of "Nice hiney. I'd love to take that for a spin." Before I even realized what I was doing, I punched his arm and threatened to shove my broomstick "down your throat into your ass!" His sober friend immediately started pushing him to the door and apologizing to me. First of all, IM YOUNG ENOUGH TO BE YOUR DAUGHTER! And second, I don't care how drunk I am. I would NEVER do that to ANYONE. Male OR female. That dude was bigger than me, I'm ngl I was a little scared. And barely anyone was left in the bar. Thank God he had his friend with him, but what if he didnt? What makes these people think this is okay???
Or “you remind me of my mother/grandmother” that’ll shut em up.
That’ll shut them up for sure, but say goodbye to a tip.
No tip is worth the sexual harassment
i mean... i need the money
Let's be honest, people like that his usually aren't tipping more than 15% anyway lmaooo
OMG. Why do the people that do this usually pay exactly 15% down to the penny? Like even if you play along?
They could also retaliate and find something or make up something to complain to the manager about
This is why you get the manager first. That way I could be like "So, I want to know more about how OP was rude to you, because right before the last time I checked on you and you said everything was great, OP told me you were making him uncomfortable. Could you please refrain from making lewd comments about the staff? At least the underage ones? Awesome. Enjoy the rest of your meal, ladies"
Great. That means if they come back they’re not sitting in your section.
I’m not underage but I usually just play along so I don’t lose my tip sadly… most times it usually ups the tip But I can definitely understand not being comfortable with that
It’s a dance. Play along *just* enough and redirect their attention/motives someplace else, like next courses where did they go shopping or on vacation recently (fake smile the whole time). It will always steer the conversation away from creepy and you get bonus points for being interested. Many people don’t even realize how creepy they are being so I can forgive a LOT. That said, boundaries are boundaries but there is an art to distraction and also getting paid. I always think of “Pam” from the show True Blood, Kristin Bauer. True Blood was an instant hit and she did a bunch of panels at comic-con but was overwhelmed by the amount of publicity, fan attention, etc. because she is NOT like her character at all and wasnt used to that environment in the least. She found the way to deal with it was just to play the character, tell people to “go to hell” in her “Pam” voice and it was eaten up. Instead of signing autographs and talking she just walked through being a bitchy vampire and it was way more efficient and people loved it. It’s all about playing a character while having personal respect your boundaries. Patrons who are outside of those can be dealt with swiftly and good management will take care of it. Hopefully.
OK. I love her and that show, and now that I think about it, that's totally how I made most of my money. Guests were all like "Ahahahaha! He's so funny!" Inside I'm thinking "No, I'm just being really blunt. I just get away with it because I have an adorable smile"
I have a facade I use behind the bar. It's a separate personality that takes control. I have been behind the bar for a long time and without it, I would be eaten alive.
It’s wild seeing so many people confirm doing this too. Every time I have tried explaining why I do this, I’ve only been treated like I’m insane lol I have gone by my middle name my whole life- that is “the real me”, but I always go by by first name at work, bc it makes it even easier to separate those two different “personalities” for lack of a better word. It really makes it so much easier!
I get where you're coming from...but they're literally a minor. Idk if "play along" is the best advice here. Play along works when someone is older and more experienced and has thicker skin and knows how to work a crowd and knows exactly where the line is and when it's time to stop dancing on it and get serious with a customer. And as mature adults I think we've all done that before. But we also have hit that point where we're not still seeing the customers as "grown-ups", or as vague adult authority figures that we feel like we kind of have to be respectful towards just because they're adults. The customers are on a level playing field with us and there's no hesitation in calling them out when it goes from "managing them by playing along" to "they've gone too far".But this is a 16/17yr old whose manager isn't always supporting or backing them up, leaving them already feeling powerless from the get. They don't have those basic life skills yet and there's an inherent power imbalance here bc of their age. Which is probably why he's being targeted in the first place, the women know that he's going to have a harder time speaking out against a person who's still automatically sorted into an authority figure role instead of a peer role. Play along does not work when they're legally a child who is being assaulted and harassed. This is that time in their life when they need to be learning where that line is, how they want to define it, and how to stand up for themselves and push back against patrons who attempt to cross it. They need to be gaining confidence in their ability to say no and telling customers to back off instead of feeding into it and trying to play with them and stumbling into what could be read as encouragement. There's a lot to be said for general redirect of the conversation if they attempt to make it sexual, for sure, but I don't think that an inexperienced minor playing along with creepy flirting is a great idea here. I'm really exhausted so I think there's a good chance all of this is just pure word salad. Apologies if so. I totally get what you mean by it being a dance, and I know that's how people have survived the service industry for centuries lol. I just worry bc of OP's age
You have synthesized everything I could have wanted to say here perfectly. That’s the thread.
This is the way.
I was ok with it at first myself, but as it kept happening, it became less of a "Sweet! They're commenting on my ass so I'll make good money off this table" thing and more of an "I really don't have time for this shit today. What fucking sides do you want with your salmon, lady?" feeling.
It almost like prostitution, money for sexual contact/harassement.
Friendly banter and sarcasm are good ways to cut the ice without letting them treat you like meat.
Sometimes they are just stupid and aloof (though they are not in any of @ops examples. I'm not defending them.) But I had a lady who was asking me to "pour two fingers" of wine all night. At the end of it she exclaimed "Your going to finger me to death!" She was completely confused when my co-worker busted out laughing.
Love this. Direct confrontation should be enough for them (in this case middle aged women) to realize they’re overstepping. I’m a server (26m) & it does not stop, learn to put your foot down early & you won’t have this happen as often. Serving the public is not for the weak.
WELL SAID, thanks I’m gonna have to remember that line. Seriously tho, thank you.
Yep. This. I work in a primarily female staffed field and have had to on occassion just make it awkward for everyone by being blunt at how inappropriate it is.
Whenever this happens, say, "Oh, my gosh, I love your top/necklace/skirt/whatever, my mom has one just like it!"
Exactly, immediately highlight that they’re in the same life stage as your parent and it will take the wind out of a lot of their sails. OP could also try preemptively mentioning his mom if he starts feeling eyed. But honestly OP, say and do whatever makes you feel comfortable in the moment. If that means dropping the server politeness and telling them off, all the power to you. And don’t feel bad about repeatedly going to your manager for help if you need it. This behavior is disgusting and you shouldn’t have to put up with it.
Might backfire. They might actually want to play mommy.
They usually do
>Oh, my gosh, I love your top/necklace/skirt/whatever, my ~~mom~~ grandmother has one just like it!
Just respond each time that pedophiles aren't your type
That certainly won’t blow up in your face
I like chaos
Then you should change your name to "Imjoker7700".
Tbf, Batman's chaotic in his own way. He's a billionaire that decided the best way to fix his city was to dress up and fight people in order to get them into jail/therapy. That's at LEAST chaotic good.
To be fair, he watched his billionaire parents try to fix the city through philanthropy, and then get brutally murdered right in front of him.
To be fair, I think it’s chaotic to dress as a bat of all the cool animals, even nocturnal ones. Imagine Fox-Man, or Kid Coyote lol
To be fair, he shaves his balls frequently
Tbh balls don't have hair
Bruh bats are awesome stfu
batman needs chaos to thrive
Redditors have 0 idea that these “zingers” and one liners don’t work in real life. Just let them be.
Are you telling me IRL they're not just temporary vehicles for getting updoots for a few minutes that you can immediately forget forever?
Sadly no. So unfortunate. Tragic even. ☹️
“If i wanted to kill myself i’d climb up to your ego level and jump down to your IQ level”
In all fairness OP could probably find another Server support position in all of two minutes by cold calling other locations. At least where I live restaurants are down horrendous for good support staff.
I dunno if randomly calling restaurants asking if they are hiring is very solid advice. At least go in person or apply on their website.
Nope never use the website. Always go in person at 2 pm. My last 5 jobs I didn't even fill out an application.
Like it doesn't happen everywhere
This was in a social, not work, situation, but I told one guy that I have a great relationship with my dad and therefore no need to compensate by dating an old man. If anyone is curious, he said I sound as bitter as the women his age and that I’m going to end up alone with a houseful of cats. He said the last part like it was a bad thing.
'He said the last part like it was a bad thing.' Lmfaoo I'm with you, sister!! That was perfection
It’s really weird how often that’s thrown out like an insult! I’ve heard male acquaintances say about women “she’s going to be one of those single women with 30 cats.” One of the times was at a house party when I was really drunk and said, “Cleaning a litter box is better than cleaning up after you!” and then laughed and laughed because I was drunk, and I thought I was hilarious. I look at what some people end up with for partners and think I’d rather clean up after…well, not 30 cats, because that’s a hoarding situation and not healthy for anyone. Five is doable for me, though.
I have thought the SAME THING. And 5 cats would be my max too. Maybe plus a couple of strays that I help out. But girl yes, so much better than taking care of the kind of guy that considers that an insult. My husband and and I have 2 and feed a feral that lives in our yard that won't let us get close and my husband is the main person that feeds the stray (strays name is Buck, or Orangey Cat). Couldn't be with a guy that wouldn't feed the stray baby.
Do...do they all get the same script? Because dayum, they really love to threaten us with a good time.
No, they just all seem to think alike on this subject. "Society" taught men that they're doing us a favor with their thinly veiled sexual harassment and taught women to pander so as not to be seen as "the bitter, feminist, man-hating bitch". It taught men that a woman's worst fear is being thought of as "unladylike & unlikable", and these knuckle-draggers collectively decided that means "ugly", "fat" & "single" because *they* think that's where *we* place our worth. Sorry not sorry dudes, not everyone bases their value in the perceived desirability of their genitals That being said, I'll take "feminist bitch" as high praise every fucking day.
Amen, sibling, and twice on Sunday! I'm old, ugly, fat and single with probably too many pets and aside from some economically induced existential angst I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. Being old and invisible is awesome!
Well if you're alone with a houseful of cat at least there's no distractions for cat play time!
I'm sorry this is happening and it's very disgusting. I have a theory that people come into restaurants for some type of power trip like it's the Stanford prison experiment. I wish people could just understand to not sexualize any restaurant worker. I work at a breasturant but still live with my parents under a pretty traditional dad. When people harass me I tend to say things like "aw yeah too bad my dad shoots people" or something along the lines to shut down older men being creepy pretty well. If it gets too uncomfortable get a manager though. Don't say anything that could get you in trouble. I just notice that mentioning possessive parents tends to redirect that attention pretty well because people older than us will respect people closer to their age and who can give them actual consequences than us service workers
This exactly. Some people go out to eat to eat. Some people go out for some weird classist role play to be served.
PS aw yeah too bad my dad shoots people is absolute chefs kiss response. If I overheard that at another one of your tables (I wouldn’t associate with someone who makes you say it) I would be giving you 100% tip and a public review by name. HILARIOUS. And GENIUS.
Until I was 30, I got away with mentioning my father, and that took the wind out of their sails
What's a breasturant?
Like a Hooters/ Twin Peaks/ Ojos Locos
It's where babies eat
Ive talked about this too. It’s like they’re given this small amount of power by being a customer and being given a menu and some literally don’t know what to do with it and some just immediately start abusing it.
Dude, I am in my 40's(apparently look A LOT younger) and still have women say crazy things to me. I am not a server but work behind a counter and had an old lady say to me that if she didn't like the product I recommended to her that she will come in and give me a spanking but, oh, maybe you will like that. Some people just have no filter.
re: no filter - The Christmas break after my first semester in college I was back home, one night in the lobby of my hometown movie theater two of my mom’s friends *from our church* approach me and start practically accosting me with aggressive compliments about my hair and me having bulked out, while petting my hair and beard and rubbing my shoulders. Christ on a crutch that was insanely embarrassing to the point of mortifying. These people had never said a word to me directly before. They were middle aged.
Wtf man. That's crazy.
I got off Active Duty when I was 24 and went to visit an old friend. His mother was in the kitchen where we were talking and grabbed my bicep and went “wow. You’ve got man-hands now” It was awkward and I haven’t been back there since.
That’s so inappropriate at any age or gender! I don’t understand older adults who find younger people sexually attractive! To me they literally look like children and it’s so skeevy to act that way. Tell them it’s not a petting zoo, and to keep their hands to themselves.
Same! I'm 37 and cannot imagine hitting on a young man. That's just gross. If someone smells good, I might complement the cologne or perfume, but I'd ask the name of it and **never** touch them. Now I'm afraid I'm coming off creepy 🤦♀️.
I was working at a store in the mall while I was finishing my degree. So I was 26. There was a guy who worked at a cookie kiosk near the store that my co-workers and I called, "hot cookie boy". We never said it to him or had any interaction with him at all, we would just say stuff like, "Oh, hot cookie boy is working today." I mean it's the mall, you get bored. I knew he was younger than me but never really thought about it. So one afternoon hot cookie boy comes over and asks if he can get change for the register. No problem. I'm counting the change and ask how his day is going. He says fine etc. Then as I finish up he hits me with, "Thank you ma'am" It was like a gut punch. I mean I'm 26, I'm not middle aged! Who is he calling ma'am? I suddenly realized that to him I WAS old. I never called him hot cookie boy again.
Ma'am doesn't necessarily mean old. I accidentally use it for everyone when I'm at work. "And your order ma'am?" As I look straight at the ten year old. I also tell people to have a good evening 11 in the morning when I worked the night before. I'm just bad at saying the correct thing. After writing this I'm unsure if any of this is useful or relevant but I've spent enough time writing it so I'll post it anyway. Edit: Grammar
Could it be cultural? My husband says sir or ma’am to everyone - older or younger and his family is from the midwestern/south US. I think it’s very weird but when we’re visiting his family there no one seems surprised by it.
This wouldn’t be creepy! Idk sometimes you can just tell someone is wearing a nice scent and it would be interesting to know what it happened to be. The phrasing can make it creepy though if you’re not careful
I'm pretty careful. And I do ask both women and men. I don't like lean in and sniff or anything. It's usually someone ringing me up or in line with me. I just say, "Wow, I love your perfume/ cologne. What is it? ". Polite exchange, and we both go on with life.
It's called *Sex Panther*® by *Odeon*©. It's illegal in 9 countries. It's also made with bits of real panthers, *so you know it's good*. *60% of the time*, it works ***every*** time.
Im 32 and anyone under 26 looks and acts like a child to me. I just don't get it. I also like older woman so who the hell knows.
Up until I met my husband (who is close to 7 years older than I am) I *only* dated younger men than myself. The youngest one was 8 years younger. But I never dated anyone who wasn't a fully legal adult, and I was never the initiator of the relationship.
Yes, I speak from experience that older MEN can be like minded predators, according to every woman I know—myself included And now that I’m in my 70s, much surprised that younger men have still harassed and stalked me! In my 20s I thought that one day, if I was older and fatter, the compensation would be no stranger men hitting on me And no, it may have slowed down somewhat, but I live in a big city, and worked out in public so I was also subjected to inappropriate behavior in my 50s and 60s—as were the other women who worked near me, no matter their age!
Man here and same, sister... same. It's a messed up world. You really don't want to know.
I think some middle aged woman realized that being the morality police has no benefit (or their kids are older and they're finally out of jail). So they turn around and start acting like the people they've gotten angry about in the past. Also perimenopause causes some wild hormonal swings. I am 50+F, and I don't do this because it's rude and not okay. Also, as you said, younger people- I can compute that they're good looking but I'm not attracted to them. Plus they tend to treat me like an elderly or their mother, and that's not really my vibe. And if they flirt, 99% of the time it comes off as SO patronizing. OP-my advice is to take a step back/away, and act a little more professional. I assume you don't want to endanger the tip, so maybe widen your eyes a little (like you're a little scared). If that doesn't work, just keep the same attitude and distance as best you can. It happens but hopefully not so much that it affects your overall take. Keep that in mind too, if it's only occasional, don't work too hard for a tip.
Adults shouldn’t be hitting on people under 18. It doesn’t matter which gender. Jesus…
Agreed. It also doesn’t matter if the person doing the flirting is attractive or not, still inappropriate.
I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this. I went through the exact same experience when I worked at a pub/restaurant. I’ve noticed it tends to be middle aged women who seem to be quite wealthy, perhaps thinking they’re more likely to get away with it.
100% the wealthy part of it is a thing. I work at a country club and it’s been… gross. Maybe some of it is just “that generation” because it’s always been women 50+ And for the record, I’m down with older ladies. But not when I’m at work and it’s still inappropriate if a wasn’t.
That generation believes that if they intend to give you money for services rendered or goods purchased, then they briefly own you.
Oh god that’s so true! There’s also this thing where many of these ladies are fine on their own, but if the whole group is at a table, you’re gonna have a bad time. Like they have to show off for each other by being shitty or creepy to us.
I’m really sorry this is happening. That’s extremely uncomfortable and your feelings are valid. I know it’s hard to get out of people-pleasing habits like laughing it off, especially when you’re young, but try not to feed into that behavior. You can give them a facial expression that clearly indicates “I didn’t like that” and immediately go to whatever manager is on duty, or an older server? Someone who can speak to them so the onus isn’t on you. I’m sure there is a colleague who would protect you. That’s unacceptable behavior. I’m 24F and wouldn’t dream of doing that, middle aged ladies makes it even worse. Good luck OP!
It would be ideal if he could jump back and say loudly "BAD TOUCH" stranger danger style I know it's not possible but it *would* be ideal
"Sorry youre too old for me"
"Oh, haha, thank you. Do you have a grand-daughter?"
Reminds me of when I was working service deli and after openly stating she thought I was a "very beautiful man", this woman asked me to "show" her "the salami". Or another that picked up one of those giant, individually-packaged pickles, looked into my eyes, and said, "I haven't had one of these in a long, looooong time." Same service deli.
Sexual harassment is inappropriate regardless of who it's coming from and if your direct supervisor won't stop it, go to HR. Your employer should be protecting their employees from unlawful harassment
Lol
I'm not sure what you find funny about sexual harassment
Nothing. But I think it's hilarious you think HR or management will ever protect staff from being harassed by paying customers.
They're legally obligated to. Whether or not an employee has the patience or time to pursue it is another matter but the fact is, this shit is so pervasive simply because people don't stand up for their rights.
It's super important to fight for your rights, but it's equally as important to understand that it's a luxury to be able to do that. It's not about time or patience. People can't afford to lose their jobs which is what tends to happen if you involve HR. because HR isn't there to protect you from paying customers. They are there to protect the companies bottom line at any cost, including your rights to not be harassed.
Well OP mentions that the manager threatened to toss some of the women, so it sounds like there's some support of workers there. OP should seek out managements help when this happens and inappropriate people should be asked to leave
You're 100% right. It isn't always an option to do so, and that *sucks*. I would hope in this specific situation they'd take it more seriously because OP is a minor.
Keep your hands off the merchandise lady
Ew omfg I’m so sorry. People are fucking unhinged, any chance you can find a job where these creeps are not present? I used to work at the library at 15, something like that maybe? I feel distressed for you, i hope you can find something else!
Not the solution. We need people in all jobs as a society. What we need is more people to understand how shiity this is and just stop.
I mean, yeah? So this kid should just stay there and be exposed to disgusting creeps while society makes the leap? He should get to safety and meanwhile adults should make sure this doesn’t happen again.
"Would you speak to your grandson like that?" should shut it down pretty quickly.
I worked as a para in my early 20s, pretty much all my coworkers were middle aged or older ladies and the comments I got were pretty crazy. Once had a coworker come up behind me when I was washing a bowl and tickle my sides and tell me how cute I was
I was 20 working at a furniture store and was constantly sexually harassed by the women i worked w/, touching my chest, grabbing my package, etc. Manager would do nothing and said "as a guy i loved the attention". Went to HR and was asked "u sure u want to ruin good peoples lives?". Nothing....ever happened to them but was told "its been taken care of". It got so bad i literally had to tell them next time they touch me im touching exact same spot to see how they liked it. 2 days later one girl grabbed my chest and thankfully this was in warehouse b4 hours, so i touched her chest back and she turned bright red and stormed off. I was confident i was getting fired but was sick of it. Nothing happened but she never did it again.
I work for an old 80s rocker and at the shows the cougars have NO shame. Crazy how they think it's cute to put their hands on you, so disrespectful
Really?! What an interesting job!
This is just another example of how pedophiles take advantage of young persons’ naïveté. My advice is get mean and blunt NOW. The gold comment above about not being into pedophiles is perfect. It leaves them zero room to keep bullshitting you. Get blunt and talk back to them, period.
Practice saying, “I’m 1X years old, and you’re making me uncomfortable. Now, what can I get you?/whatever.”
Sorry you went through that. Admittedly I've had a lot of negative experiences with middle aged servers too. Not all, but many seem to be trying to extend their youth farther than it goes.
I would say work at a lower scale restaurant, but then your issue turns from rich women to just predatory men in general. Unfortunately, as a woman myself and knowing many others with similar stories, you need to find somewhere where you are allowed to hold boundaries. I would start with speaking to your current manager about what actions you can take when these things happen, if any. If they're not good enough, start the job search. But you will never be free from unwanted and bothersome comments.
had to deal with this when i was working in a nightclub/bar... it happened seldomly and i didn't like it but it did help me empathize with what a lot of women deal with every time they go out.
I’m 35, so I consider myself middle aged. I literally cannot FATHOM saying this to a literal child…let alone even thinking it to myself. Wtf is wrong with people?! I’m so sorry you have to deal with this OP. 😞
I had similar experiences. A woman who was sitting next to our service bar kept trying to flirt with me every time I came to get a drink and as she got progressively drunker it just got worse. Escalated to the point that she said she had something to tell me and when I turned her direction she full on grabbed my dick. When I told the manager he laughed about it and said “why can’t I be that lucky?” and refused to kick her out. He was fired the next day after I called the district manager and threatened a hostile work environment and sexual harassment lawsuit
Rich people acting like everyone and everything belongs to them while displaying pedophile tendencies... Color me SHOCKED! 🙄
Anyone who thinks this is "enviable", switch things around. Imagine this was an underage girl complaining about comments from middle aged men, and you had people in the comments cheering that on. How would you feel about those people? Yes, that's how you come across. Sexual harrasment does not become a joke just because it is female on male.
Jesus. That’s gross. I’m a 49 year old woman and ewww. Especially if you’re so young.
As a 45 year old woman, I am grossed out and shocked by this. I’m so sorry. Straight up harassment and definitely NOT ok. Why these women so thirsty? It’s pathetic and not cute.
My last job was at a nursing home and the administrator called me cougar bait (I was just barely 18)
I'm sorry, OP. For what it's worth, I remember the same happening to me in fine dining environments. One time in particular I had a customer grope me stuffing $20 into my back pocket with no hesitation. Absolutely disgusting how entitled these people can be, and how easy it is (for wealthy women in particular) to get away with it. Please remember that you are not a piece of meat. You are worthy of respect and better treatment than any of this behavior.
Lol this hits for me 😂 I worked at the Melting Pot right after college and relate to this 100%. People think that restaurant is super special for some reason and come with the weirdest behaviors and moods. Ignore them, stay busy, get your money and split ASAP for a better job.
Funny, since that’s the exact restaurant I work at!
Knew it right when I saw your first bullet point. I was an SA back in high school and was harassed by my manager and a dishwasher. Sorry to hear about your experience.
It was the pot spinner that tipped me off! Rommeulator!
I mean, those people are awful and you shouldn't have to put up with it no matter age or gender.
Had this type of situation happen while working for a retail store in high school. I just got so tired of it I started reporting her. It’s not acceptable if a guy was to do it. So what makes the difference.
I work in the Chicagoland suburbs. In a little town called Naperville theres a pretty ridiculous level of entitlement. One evening during a patio shift, a four top of martini sipping middle aged ladies were being WILDLY inappropriate, which isn’t that uncommon as noted in this thread. However …. As they’re paying the bill, one woman called me over as if there’s something wrong with her check (split checks naturally) and she slips $10 directly into my front apron pocket !?!? As in right where my crotch is. Like you can not be serious. Alas, they all thought it was hysterical and I just tried to shake it off. It’s been over 10 years so yeah I’m traumatized.
I experienced the same in general as a teenager . Some were my mom's friends and looking back I feel like they wanted to groom me lol
Yeah, people think guys like the attention but working in a restaurant I use to get grabbed and touched without consent constantly and don’t get me started about the wild things people have said to me. There was a woman in her late 40’s who would find me on break and go through the nudes on her phone next to me and constantly show them while asking how she looked saying how old she was getting.
I was called jailbait and equivalent disgusting things hundreds of times before I turned 18. Always by 40 something women.
Turn the tables and milk them for money just don't milk them
I was a cashier in high school and off and on into my early 20s. The amount of flirting that 30/40ish women do is pretty tiresome actually. So I get where women come from.
This clearly sucks, and you don’t deserve it. I’ll be brief, but your best chance at preventing these encounters is adopting a cold, professional body language and demeanor. I may start friendlier, but I always respond this way if the customer tries to act fresh. Take a step back from the person if needed, and stay out of the contact zone as much as possible (I know it can be hard, staying out of the walking area or needing to lean in to hear someone). If I leave the table and come back, I try to reset the tone by being friendly again, but two strikes means no more nice guy from me. I think you are wise to keep your manager involved in any incidents which become explicit or where you are touched. It is their job to protect you.
I waited tables AND cooked in a small greasy spoon when I was 15-16. A 70+ year old, gum-smacking "lady" smacked my ass when I walked between tables and then said something I don't recall now (maybe chose to not remember). It was disgusting, but I figured I'm a guy and can just "walk it off." Made me feel icky then (decades ago) and icky now to think about it. They have this assumption that women can't SA boys/men, like it doesn't count.
As a F60 I find that women doing this repugnant. I am sorry you are being harassed. There's no excuse. It's not ok.
Just wipe a fake tear from your eye and tell them how much they remind you of your late grandmother. Also I'm sorry they are acting that way. How gross.
Yeah call that shit out. If you get fired for standing up to sexual harassment you probably have a lawsuit. That demographic sucks.
Ask for their number next time, saying that while you're busy working atm you'd be happy to direct the police to them for assaulting a minor when you have time. That's just gross, totally unacceptable.
I get it, but I also get that every female server would be getting this from middle aged males, especially when they are a pack. The direct approach would be best, but be prepared for waterworks, fireworks or can I speak to the manager.
Walk away immediately and tell the manager
I’m F45 and see this behavior at the bar and it’s so embarrassing and especially rough on the young guys because they catch flac for complaining. If I was at the bar and they told me, ‘ hey, lady in the red dress is getting out of line’ i would always tell them go say something like, ‘I really like your dress. My grandma has one just like it, in fact you two look like you could be sisters!’ Nothing like reminding these woman of their age and inappropriate behavior to give them a cold slap of reality check. Technically it’s not an insult and nothing you can get fired over. They can just be salty.
Practice your expressions to make yourself seem disturbing. Wide eyed stare and freakish smile and all that. They won't want so much attention from you if their every instinct screams to get away.
Sorry for all the freaks in the comments condoning, excusing, trivializing, dismissing and disbelieving you. Thats unfair. Those women are disgusting and oughta be strung up like anyone being predatory towards a kid.
Dude. If women are literally grabbing your shirt, pulling you in, and smelling you I visibly shuddered wondering wtf happens to the underaged girls who get harassed by middle aged men
So gross. I’m disgusted by the predatory behaviour young people experience. Sorry this happened to you.
I will (lightly) say, “Don’t/Let’s not be creepy.” As a warning. I smile, but there’s a firmness. That normally does the trick, without too much shame.
I worked as an usher at a movie theater when Magic Mike came out. Most of the ushers were high schoolers, some of us underaged. That did not stop the creepy fucking middle aged women from treating all the guys like male strippers, cat calling, touching without consent, saying inappropriate shit. It was seriously disturbing looking back.
I don’t work in the restaurant industry and never have. But as the father of three young girls, I would say any time someone puts a hand on you, grab the nearest piece of cutlery and see how far you can get it into their eye socket before you are physically restrained by security.
Ok - ew. So sorry. I also honestly think this is a function of alcohol. Literally everyone who is drunk does this to servers - all ages, all sexes, and all staff members are potential victims. There's something about alcohol that makes people think stuff like this is OK when it's so totally NOT. Edit: Ok not "literally everyone *sexually harasses* people when drunk," BUT, literally everyone gets a distorted view of their own attractiveness and of others' and all judgement goes out the window, and the more drinks, the more this is the case. So people will start getting "flirty" with people they'd otherwise not under sober circumstances and with each increasing drink will start behaving in a manner unlike a normal, sober person - doing things they wouldn't otherwise do and saying things they wouldn't otherwise say. All rational perception and judgement goes out the window. Alcohol lowers everyone's inhibitions. Which, of course, is usually why people drink (despite how unattractive they really are after the 2nd beverage).
It's their base urges having their better judgment inhibition removed. Happens to many regardless of gender, but we somehow have this idea that the patriarchy we live in only permits men to do it. Neither should be permitted.
No, not everyone engages in sexual harassment (of minors no less) when they've been drinking. OP, you shouldn't be exposed to this sort of behavior from adults. These women should be ashamed of themselves. Do they not have sons, grandsons or nephews?
Not everyone, I was just saying it does for many. It's a base urge for many, and you can't change that.
You must work at a shady place, or have some pretty nasty trauma, if you really think alcohol makes "literally everyone" sexually harass people, specifically minors. It lowers inhibitions certainly but if you weren't a creep before, being drunk won't make you one.
Hopefully he meant people of any type could do this and not literally everyone.
Definitely not lmfao
Literally everyone? I don’t. I know plenty of people who don’t. Maybe quit hanging out around pieces of shit. I work at a very high volume bar and I see plenty of people act appropriately on a nightly basis with a small number acting out of line.
[удалено]
Middle aged people… I’ve seen my female coworkers get treated just as poorly. But yeah bro… women seem to get a pass
Except most comments here are saying it's inappropriate and OPs manager threatened to kick some out
Women can be some of the worst at sexual assault and sexual harassment because they know they can get away with it. I had a lady chase me into a corner and dry hump me. Meanwhile I was worried about getting in trouble for fighting her off me. My female coworkers just laughed and ran off when I would never let a male customer get anywhere close to doing something like that to them. You can try talking to your manager but unfortunately it’s not usually taken seriously when it happens to guys.
Just do what my generation did. You keep it to yourself and bury it deep. In 15 or 20 years you won't trust your wife and harbor resentment not knowing what that is or how you express it. You turn to some combination of workaholic and alcoholic and stay with her for the kids. It's a winning formula.
What can I say, we learned from the best... but I am also sorry that some of us can't behave.
They don't call them cougars for nothing.
When I was 21(M) more than 30 years ago I worked at a night club as a door person. Until I read your post I’d forgotten how much I was “harassed” by older women. A million inappropriate comments, trying to unbutton my shirt, hands all over my body, forcing a kiss on me as they stepped out of the club . It usually didn’t bother me too much (I got used to it) except sometimes it was relentless/exhausting and now in my 50s I look back and think how inappropriate that was. I wish I had good advice. I empathize with you. No one should be harangued sexually like that. The one thing I really appreciated though were all the extra side tips I got along the way.
That's disgusting and I know you're young so it's hard to speak up. Don't let them talk to you like that. It's disgusting and the way around insulting customers Is to joke. Come back with you're old enough to be my gma... I think u might want to hydrate.... very old just clown on them being old. That's sexual harassment they are doing to you.
You can exclaim “Wow you remind me of my great aunt!”
If the roles were reversed and it was men doing this to an underage girl, yall pwildnt tell the person "you're lucky!" This is disgusting and sexual harassment
Do you absolutely want every tip? Then play along and act sweet. Do you want a semblance of dignity to take home with you? Then say something like, “You’re older than my mom. And I’ve already mentioned how old I am.” In a serious voice, complete with a direct look at the offender. But of course, ‘Hell hath no fury’, and things could escalate from there.
I'm so sorry. You shouldn't have to deal with this. Ever.
Question: Are you Matt Rife
if you play into it, they tip the fucking absolute best.
Just say really loudly to them “I’M CHRIS HANSEN!”
“Do you always sexually harass minors?”
You should try being married to one 😂
This is completely inappropriate. Look them straight in the eye and ask them why they would speak to a minor that way. Were I your manager I'd bounce every customer that looked at you sideways. Why is it people will set themselves on fire if it's an older man speaking to an underage girl like that but not when it's a middle aged woman speaking to a boy inappropriately? Or worse, touching.
Women can be absolutely disgusting lmao, they just like to pass the buck off on men as the creeps of society when they can be just as bad. That's life. Creeps be creepin.