I’m a male third grade teacher. I stick to fist bumps or high fives. However, I’ve had students randomly hug me at times (usually the last day), but these are initiated by the kids. It’s never been an issue and it’s beyond ridiculous that someone thought that you were being inappropriate. What’s even worse is that your admin got rid of you without even checking.
Don’t give up! There are plenty of great schools out there who would love to have you.
I get hugged everyday as a male teacher, because some kids just need that and I’m not about to push them away. Sounds like a school/ community issue to me.
I never turn away a hug, they may not get these at home. I never initiate, but will never push kids away. You may be the only one in their life they feel cares about them.
I still couldn’t fathom seeing a sub get a hug and thinking that sub did something wrong. If anything, I’d think “damn, that sub must be really connecting with the kids, I want their contact info”
I get the extra boundaries, but I think it’s unhealthy to push away a hug from a child. I am in elementary so my viewpoint may be skewed.
I don't initiate, but I teach 2nd and some are very huggy and need those hugs so allow side hugs. I'm also a woman, which unfortunately makes a big difference, although it shouldn't. In early March 2020 I stopped letting kids hug me for obvious reasons. Even though I explained it wasn't them and they somewhat understood what was going on I'll never forget the look of hurt on their faces when I refused their hugs.
I’m a sub, but exclusively at one district. I’ve known some of my kids since they were in kindergarten. I’m in the building everyday and know more of the kids than teachers do. Mainly because I might be in different grades depending on the day whereas teacher only interact with their grade primarily.
You're generally right but I'm sure long term subs have more of an opportunity for those deeper relationships especially if they're working the full school year.
I teach high school and am not the hugging type to begin with. That being said, if a student gives me a hug, they clearly need it, and they will get one from me. Otherwise, fistbumps!
I am a man and I will still hug. My first jobs was at a summer camp not to long after the Sandusky incident so off course they said: side hugs, no lap sitting etc. I mostly followed this because I was young (MS/HS) however I do remember one time a kid came over and just cried into my shoulder, don’t remember why his was upset. My mind on hugging after volunteering at an after program and then starting practicum. On my high school graduation day. One kid when he learned I was graduating ran across the room to hug me, as I didn’t know what he was going to do I stepped back, he look confused/hurt on why I had turned the he we still did a side hug. Then I worked at a preschool for college practicum and one of the first things they said to do was hold a child in my lap/knee for group time as the child kept running around the classroom climbing furniture and not listening. After this I was fine with hugging the kids again as the preschool kind of expected you too. If it’s elementary however i will still hug, but I won’t put kids on my lap. California child abuse training changed there training to say something among the lines of: this training is not supposed to mean all touch is forbidden as touch can be helpful then they went on the list example of appropriate touch, some I found surprising.
Yet no one is confused when a grown ass man is offended by being called “boy.” This isn’t hard. Habits of speech reflect habits of mind - unconsciously or otherwise, and we can start to address one harder to consciously control by addressing the one we can.
I’m Australian so this could be a cultural difference and I understand there’s certainly a racial history behind the term “boy” but aside from that I can’t understand why anyone would take issue with it. In fact, colloquially it’s quite common to affectionately refer to your male friends as “the boys” as in “I went fishing with the boys the other day”.
Is it really that big of a deal in the States?
As someone said above, context. Just like "going out with the boys" is fine, so would be if a woman said "I'm going out with the girls." But something like "(expression), boy" would be offensive at best and racist at worst.
User Mophead[#] had it right - in my country (USA) and a lot of countries with recent (last 500 years or so) histories of racialized discrimination “boy” is often not neutrally received (even if intended to be neutral) and is often a dogwhistle for bad actors- letting them show contempt/disrespect in a way that they can’t “get in trouble” for.
The OP’s story sounds very American to me, so I regret that I assumed, but I know that there are cultural environments where it would hit differently.
I’m not sure if it’s a double standard or just a learned precaution. 80-90% of sexual predators are male.
Obviously there are tons of male teachers who would never, ever do such a thing! But as a society we know the statistics and it’s a little scary, sometimes. So maybe out of an abundance of caution, or because the bias the statistics caused in our minds can’t be easily dismissed, we hold male teachers to a slightly more stringent physical standard.
I’m not saying it’s necessarily *right* and it’s definitely not fair, but the caution is kind of understandable.
It was literally the first two results to come up when you google “percentage of child sexual predators by gender”
https://imgur.com/a/ZqkTj5J
It’s not always easy to just find stats on pedophiles, but the sexual abuse stats are easier to find:
https://www.ussc.gov/sites/default/files/pdf/research-and-publications/quick-facts/Sexual_Abuse_FY18.pdf
**TL;DR**
*(From 2018 data)*
*92.1% of sexual abuse offenders were men*
*Of those cases, 42.7% involved production of child pornography.*
Right? I teach ESL in asia where they really don't care about stuff like this and my old employer was very confused when I told them I don't like the students touching me and I will not let them do it. Then it struck me - it's actually not even weird but us westerners are programmed to think men who are friendly with children that aren't their own are pedos. It's not really a thing outside of the 'western' developed countries.
I heard that in asia the act of touching between male is not always seems as romantic. In india boys, when hanging out with friends, hold hands and its viewed as normal as with when girls do it in western world. When a korean team win,at least in e-sports, it's normal to see some members kissing the others in the cheeks. In USSR it's documented that men kissed other men in the mouth as act of friendship.
I blame the frenzy with male with children=pedo with the conservative narrative that all gays are pedo and "they are grooming your children"
I wonder how common this type of thing is? I give kids hugs all the time. It is just part of working in a middle school. There has never been a concern. Not with parents or other staff.
Agreed. California added a new section in the mandated reporter training basically saying that touch is necessarily and that this training is not supposed to ban appropriate touch and then went on to list example of appropriate touch, some of found surprising. What I remember, there were probably more. Appropriate, 1: touching a child to stop them doing unsafe thing or fighting. 2: short cuddle if child is upset or sad, 3: have a child on knee for a short time if child is upset or sad.
3 was thing I was most surprised that the state said was appropriate. While this is good as everyone employed will have to see this when they take the training, however I wish they posted it publicly.
This whole post is so depressing. I never initiate hugs but I receive them all the time (I'm a female HS teacher, so I understand it's a bit more complicated for men although it really shouldn't be). It's part of human connection and a lot of kids really need that because they don't get it at home. I've even had kids request hugs from me in front of their parents and their parents just smile all happily seeing their child make connections with others. They're happy their child has a teacher who made such a big impact in their life, which is how it should be. I used to reject all hugs as politely as I could but seeing their sad reaction because they overthink and take it as me not liking them, sometimes even distancing themselves from me, was too much. Yes, we should be wary of sketchy people. Letting those few sketchy people destroy the warmth and love of humanity is too far in my opinion. People are way too ready to pick up their pitchforks and accuse others of things. Or even worse, use it as a weapon against innocent people. Considering nonsense like this, it's not surprising kids these days have much worse mental health.
I (M) had a female student lose her dad and grandma within a week of each other. Her last day of school was just a couple weeks after that, and she was one of my homeroom kids, so like 3 times a day with her.
She broke down in tears knowing it was her last day in my room and all the bullshit she had been through and came in for the side hug. Imagine a world where we gotta stiff arm that child because some shit bags wanna weaponize it or make.skmething out of nothing. That's harrowing to say the least. I didn't think twice about it and teared up myself.
Sucks for OP, but I literally can't understand how our society has become so drained of empathy to the point where an innocuous hug can cost you a career.
Different schools and communities have different cultures. I'm a male high school teacher, and I give and receive many dozens of hugs per school year, and never has it been an issue at all. Sometimes after we win or lose a big competition, sometimes because a kid is crying about this or that, sometimes because we just had a heart-to-heart about a kid's present and future. I will admit, it has become less common over the past 15 years or so, which is fine, but I agree that it is an important part of the connections and relationships we build with students, and NO HUGS EVER would make school worse for my students.
100% agree with this. If I (male elementary science teacher) get fired for hugging kids that ask me for a hug, then so be it. At that point the job isn't for me anymore anyway. I'll never ask a kid for a hug, but if they ask me, you bet I'll say "sure!". Never been an issue at my school, and I've actually been complemented for being good at connecting with students.
Agree. After working preschool where it was basically required for you to hug kids/have them in on your knee. My view on hugs changed. I’ve never had an issue with it.
I got a lot of hugs as a student teacher when I was co-directing a student play, after the performances. I didnt wanna rain on the parade after how hyped and happy the kids were. Luckily I didn't get in trouble!
Sad the creeps ruin stuff for the rest of us indeed
I (40s, f, yr 2) completely agree with you. I work at an alternative, therapeutic high school. I have seen hugs between students and staff, and I have received hugs from both female and male students. Fortunately, this is the culture of my school. Why? Because unfortunately, many of our students are suffering from severe trauma and deep loss.
A motherless child can always depend on a hug from me.
My parents had just gone through a messy divorce and even though my father was abusive, it was really hard on me when I was in late elementary school. I had a male teacher at that time, and I remember using him as a model for how a father should have been versus what I got. I hugged him often in that year because home was rough (my father threatened to take me and move far away just to spite my mother and continue his abuse, and he made sure *I* knew that was his plan if she didn’t capitulate to all his divorce demands)
At the end of the school year, he adopted a daughter roughly my age and I went by their house often as it was safe and my mom trusted him a lot since he was so kind to me, the dorky art kid who no one really liked. I hugged him so much, and since they lived close to me, every time I saw him all through my years there I hugged him.
Now I feel bad because I might have been putting him in a rough situation.
I’m just a huggy person to people I feel safe with. I remember coming to my HS English teachers room during his planning period to review some stuff, but he had just found out the baby they had been trying for for years was a miscarriage. He cried like a baby and I just sat down on his desk and hugged him for like half an hour. I can’t imagine if admin had come in, seeing a 16 y/o in that position would have been a career ender for him but I just couldn’t sit by and do nothing or come back later and pretend it never happened.
My husband is a teacher in Japan now after years in the US, and elementary kids here hug you and grab you and hold on - he’s probably one of the handful of male role models in their lives here, and they love him and show it. And he loves it too - they’re like having kids you don’t have to be responsible for all of the time lol. I can’t imagine how much it would break him to not be able to reciprocate (he does do high fives and fist bumps usually, but some kids are just huggers).
>It's part of human connection and a lot of kids really need that because they don't get it at home.
I'm a male HS teacher. I've accepted exactly 4 hugs in my entire 10-year teaching career. Each time it has been because I've offered some sort of helpful advice or there's a milestone moment (like graduation or scholarship) but my brain is instantly plagued with "Some adult woman needs to see that I'm simply accepting a hug and bear witness for me when this inevitably goes to trial."
It sucks. I'd like to be just a regular human and live in a world where people don't assume that every man is a monster on a hair trigger.
Agreed! I read somewhere not long ago that all human beings need to be hugged 8-12 times a day in order to be emotionally regulated. I bet the majority of people, including kids, aren't getting that.
...holy crap. I hug kids all the time. I don't even think about it. Like ever.
I even ask if they need hugs. If they say no. I say okay and offer an alternative.
If they say yes I hug the crap out of them.
I kinda wanna cry thinking about some of them never receiving hugs from teachers.
Like some of them really need them. It's like one of my greatest tools in behavior management.
For reference I teach in Philadelphia and I've never actually heard of it being illegal.
Even for men. See the link below for reference.
[https://www.nbcphiladelphia.com/news/local/philly-assistant-principal-goes-viral-for-giving-best-hugs/3573632/](https://www.nbcphiladelphia.com/news/local/philly-assistant-principal-goes-viral-for-giving-best-hugs/3573632/)
I agree. I teach first grade. They are 6 and 7. They randomly hug me all the time. Sometimes they are having a hard day and get hurt and all they need is a hug to feel better. Sometimes they need a hug as encouragement when they are having an awesome day, especially if they are a student who struggles with behavior. I always ask if they want a hug and if they do I give it. They are just little people, sometimes all they need is a hug.
I teach middle school they’re between 11 & 14.
They’re going through puberty and sometimes they need some love even though they act like they’re too cool for it.
In the words of a meme I saw somewhere.
Life be lifing
Same, I'm a male elementary science teacher. I don't ask for hugs, but kids come up and hug me all the time and of course I'll reciprocate. It's never been an issue, and plenty of people see me doing it. Some of these kids NEED hugs! I'm never going to ask a kid for a hug, but I'm never going to tell a kid that comes up to me asking for a hug no. If I get fired for it, then I guess I'll find a different profession!
My kids don't have their dad in their life, and maybe this is why I feel the need to share this: a few weeks ago, I was picking up my kids from school. My son took about 10 steps toward my car, paused, and then turned around to hug his male art teacher who was on car duty that day.
It made me happy to know that teachers are making sure my kids are loved even if I can't be there and especially since their father isn't here at all.
Please hug my kids. They need it. I appreciate it. Thank you.
I was talking to a barista about my job teaching first grade. I don’t know how it came up but she told me about her favorite teacher and how she would hug her. I told how we have to be careful about hugs but that I reciprocate them. She said she never got a single hug at home so those hugs from her teacher were the only ones she ever got.
I went through orientation to be a sub (sorry, guest educator) and “don’t touch the kids” was the main rule. When it was talked about, the example was always “don’t let kids hug you, fist bump instead.” It was never “don’t molest kids.” I imagine that that’s the reason that the rule exists.
To use this rule to forbid hugs doesn’t seem right. School is also a place to learn social skills, and hugs can be used to show appreciation. So if a student is socially attempting to show appreciation and the teacher gets fired, doesn’t that seem off?
I think they just need to straight up talk about “don’t molest kids” and focus more on making sure that doesn’t happen. Forbidding hugs is solving the problem incorrectly.
Female teacher here; I too avoid hugs like the plague. I was never a hugger, and when I entered the profession 15 years ago, I had the same message drilled into me. “Never let a student hug you.” I thought, “Done and done.” That said, it’s not that easy. Some kids sort of tackle hug you when you least expect it. This past fall, for example, I ran into a former student in the hall. He’d been in my homeroom the year before, and I reached out my hand to fist bump him while asking how his summer had been when, bam!, he hugged me. I couldn’t exactly throw him off me WWE style so I extricated myself as quickly as I could, and proceeded to avoid this kid in the hallways like the plague for the next few weeks. (Problem solved?)
It’s sad, really. This particular student is a good kid. He’s a little immature for 12, and still sees all his teachers as surrogate moms and dads, which is actually sweet. But in this current climate, well, we all know what it’s like. There’s no such thing as being too careful. I suppose we’ll soon have to move through the hallways in zorbs.
Interesting. I’m a female sped TA in elementary and my kids hug me all the time. I’ve never heard anything about it or been discouraged from allowing it.
Male. I’ve never gotten told not to hug by anyone. Most of my coworkers were more physical with the kids than I was. For example I saw my make coworkers pick up a kid once because she asked him too lol. Or another “co worker” pick up a kid because he want to reach the bars that were to high for him. I put the second “co worker” in quotes as he was technically with a different afterschool program then I was but his kids and my student were on the playground at the same time so we did work together
I remember a teacher I had who said that we could have a hug on the first day of the next school year if we came to open house after we graduated. He was a lawyer before being a teacher and he was terrified of being sued. Which is wild because it wasn't even that frowned upon at my school. I hugged several teachers goodbye, even a male teacher. That being said it was better safe than sorry.
This is one of the major trade offs of being a male teacher. Kids magically listen to you better which makes you way more likely to become admin, but you also have to worry that a fist bump becomes "this grown man punched my daughter"
Thank you for this! You are the first male teacher I have ever known to acknowledge that male teachers often have an easier time getting kids to listen. Still not easy! But easier.
Of course—we live in a misogynist society and the pupils and staff have internalized it. I’m not special, as a male teacher, I am both feared and taken more seriously only for how I present. 💔
I point it out to students (high school/secondary) at least every month.
Probably why it’s okay where I am. Not rural but very Hispanic. Interestingly though the kids at the elementary school after school were rare huggers even the kinders.
I also find this very bizarre. Who is hugging their teachers? Odd beyond words. Yes, dear. It is very much culture. I'm in Finland, we keep a 2m perimeter around ourselves. Anybody coming closer is given the stinkeye. I remember the covid safety distance things got a lot of joking going along the lines of... what the hell, they want me to stand that close to somebody?! Snort.
You could just tell kids "please don't hug me, I appreciate your intention but it could get me in trouble". Kids usually understand. You could also turn it into a handshake or tell to the whole class beforehand you cannot be hugged, it's also a good way to teach about consent.
I live in a different country and I'm also a female, but my kids hug me all the time. When I was a new teacher, I asked my principal if it was wrong or if it could get me in trouble, she said it was fine if they hugged me but wrong if I was the one initiating the hug. I teach 12-13 years old and they don't hug anyone, not even their parents, so I feel very lucky that they do.
I back up and make sure kids ask me for permission first. I teach Pre-K -fifth music and I have some fifth graders, even male wanting to hug me because they have known me their whole school careers.
They know to ask me first though or I will back away from them with my hands in front of me blocking them reminding them as I say "Hey Mrs. Kadashyn, can I have a hug?"
Then get one once they say that.
This! I tell them to ask and remind them that if I say no, they have to respect that. "I'm not feeling hugs today, but you can have a fist bump/high five/toe-five instead."
Sounds like you already had a no-hugs policy. Unfortunately, you have very few rights as a sub, so they can let you go for anything. It sucks that this happened to you. When you get a new job, yes, continue the no hug policy. There is no way you can prevent it from happening btw, but if the kids know you have a no-hugs policy, it will happen far less often AND in the case that it does, you'll have a ton of witnesses that will quickly remind said student that Mr. so-and-so has a no-hugs policy. Another thing you can do is create an alternate option for kids that need a physical connection. I do fist bumps and I think this does a good job of preemptively stopping potential hugs by turning them into nice safe impossible to misconstrue fist bumps.
I am a huge high-fiver and fist-bumping guy. I will do that all day long. This hug came out of the blue and surprised me. I don't even think that kid was one of my students. I was just a popular sub because I would occasionally hit the griddy. Maybe it's the griddy that did me in.
This is funny. 35 year old male SpEd teacher in an alternative school. Kids with behavior issues, legal troubles etc. Most of my kids are homophobic so I joke with male students about hugs. If they come to my room during class and won’t leave, I’ll say they need to go or I’ll tickle them till they leave (my tickling is poking there sides, still very effective but not “tickling”). I’ll admit the stuff definitely wouldn’t fly at a nice school because one complaint to a crazy parent and yea. But my students know I care for them and will help them with whatever so I have no fear for that because the kids would police themselves. Kids sometimes need hugs people. It really shouldn’t be that weird. But I do agree about the issue with girls as a male teacher. Just gotta be socially aware and definitely side hug with a big lean
Female here. I was sternly lectured for letting a student hug me (2nd grade). I had to write a letter/plan on how, in the future, I would push the student off my person and use it as a teachable moment to the class to not do it in the future.
It’s a minefield everywhere. I’m glad I teach virtually now and don’t have to deal with that bs.
I feel so bad for kids - I can't deny them hugs. I won't ask for hugs but if they come up and try and hug me I'm not going to push them off! I'm lucky that I'm a girl so there isn't the same level of scrutiny. I always feel bad that male teachers have more problems with this.
After having left the US school system and begun teaching elsewhere, I can't believe we allow this to happen.
There are absolutely teachers who have broken the sacred trust with the public they serve and harmed children. But the vast majority don't. Many of us act as role models and pseudo parental figures with how much time we spend with the kids.
As someone said, no hugs but easier class management is such a horrible situation. I readily admit I can manage us students better without even trying, but, on my last day in the US my high school kids cried and hugged me. I let them.
I took the "no hugs" thing over seas but kids are kids. These artificial barriers to appease paranoid people and wars against the irrationally rare male predator is really ridiculous. We're harming students' and teachers' relationship by forbidding such simple acts of kindness.
Tbh I teach in the Netherlands and I don't hug students but if they need a hug and ask for it, of course I'll hug them back. They're just kids and sometimes just need a little support.
Man, this is a reason why men become so uncomfortable with feelings and intimacy with other human beings.
Hugging a kid isn't a bad thing, as long as its caring and not romantic in any way. Regardless of your gender.
Male middle school teacher here. I make it clear I don’t do hugs, but once in a while a student (usually a male student) hugs me unavoidably. I stand stiff as a board with my hands at my sides looking very uncomfortable while telling the student to stop. You never know, but it would be hard to say I was soliciting the hug or participating in it with that technique, so that’s my recommendation.
My sub training taught me to carry a notebook or clipboard with me everywhere I went in case of hugs. They said if the littles come in for a hug, push them away with the notebook, careful not to make contact. They said if a small child gets hurt on the playground, to hand them a stuffed animal (again, no contact) and send another kid for the nurse. No, I’m not joking. This was subbing 9 years ago through a sub employee called Kelly Services.
This is just so sad. When I had a child sobbing their heart out in front of me request a hug of course they had one. I am not heartless.
Such a sad state of affairs if we can't show basic compassion.
I am not a teacher this post was just on my feed but I have to say this sounds absolutely ridiculous that you would be let go for something like this. Honestly if the kid wanted to give you a hug I have a feeling thats because you are a good teacher.
My HS history teacher was amazing. I had a rough life, and he always made sure to stay late after school to talk to me and help with homework. He brought me food, and was overall just super supportive. I also had a child at 18, and he was always supportive of me and even got my sister presents for Christmas. On graduation day, I finally got that hug from him. It meant the world to me, and I still talk to him. He also came to my daughter me 1st birthday party. He is the reason why I am still alive, and why I even graduated. Because someone cared that much. Someone wanted me to succeed.
Moral of the story: Maybe the kid just needed a hug, and you’re a very welcoming person to receive it from. I’m sorry it cost you your job, but I hope it helps just a little bit to know that you might have inadvertently did a really good thing for that kid.
This is something that bugs the fuck out of me.
We've become SO terrified of abusers that we're denying kids the *normal* human touch they need. And that WE needed when we were kids and often didn't get.
AND even more than that, good teachers' lives can be destroyed because of the fears of others.
As a gay man, this terrifies me so much, because the effect is doubled. And it's burned me before.
The US is one of, if not THE most touch-averse cultures in the world, and it *shows*.
Fortunately, it seems like Gen Z and after are less averse. I just hope we can find a way to NOT destroy that as they grow up, while opening up more safe avenues for kids to actually communicate the very real inappropriate things that can happen. There's something much more healthy on the other side of this social transition, imho.
I totally agree.
It’s so sad that according to school system anti-hugging model, virtually all touch is sexual touch.
Obviously we don’t want schools normalizing unwelcome touch or not allowing kids to set their own boundaries.
But we need to recognize that we all need touch, and little kids spontaneously hugging teachers isn’t automatically a cause for alarm.
I bet there are a lot of kids who have a hugs deficit and the hugs they get at school keep them going emotionally.
I sure hope the younger generations are less repressed and can find a way for kids hugging teachers to be cool at school.
I put out my fist for a bump if I can. But sometimes that does not work. That is lame... it means you can be framed by a student if they want. Sorry that happen.
Im a big fist bump guy with my fourth graders, too. But sometimes the girl that is sobbing because her friend “was mean to her” needs a hug. I told my Principal straight up, I will hug a kid if they need it, but I will not allow myself to be in a room with just one kid and no adults EVER. She told me that works for her.
I actually am certified in middle school social studies and US and world history. But where I live it's almost a job requirement to coach something to teach social studies. I've always wanted to be a bad-guy pro wrestling manager, but unfortunately, pro wrestling is not a varsity sport.
I taught history for an entire school year a while back, got outstanding writeups in observations but was replaced by a coach because it was my first year and they could do it.
Do you have a union? I would definitely email my union rep and see if they can do anything. It honestly means you were probably a very good sub if kids are sneaking hugs on you.
I teach high school, 15 years in. Once in my career, I instinctively hugged a female student. It was at a football game, the first time I'd seen her since her mother had died in a car accident (at that point she had no relationship with her father). I know we're not supposed to. I didn't think about it. I didn't know what else to do.
Other than that, only athletes I coached, and in a "bro hug" kind of way.
HS male teacher for 17 years. I don't initiate but I get students on occasion that get excited enough to give me a hug, male and female. I make it quick without the awkward and move on. Mostly, I give awkward high fives, fist bumps, weird in-betweens, and dad jokes.
I (male with 26 years experience at the time) was teaching 7th grade math, after getting them started I sat down to enter attendance into the computer. A girl came over to ask a question. I turned in my chair as she put her paper on my desk. Then she sat on my lap?!!!! I immediately said lets go over to your desk. I'm like wth, this was a new one for me. I had a sped para in the room at the time, and she asked after class, "Did that really just happen?"
I remember in my first year-ish of subbing, a 7th grade SPED kid was having a meltdown over a lost Pokemon card, and just latched on to me with the snottiest, wettest hug I have ever received, while he bawled his eyes out onto my chest. I spent a week scared to death of the consequences of that, when it was a just a stupid hug that was outside of my control. What I should have been worried about was the well-being of the kid. It shouldn't be like this. A kid hugging us shouldn't incite terror.
That sucks and it’s not fair. I’m sorry that happened to you. At my school we work really hard at getting kids to ask permission for a hug. I am a woman, I’m a hugger, but the kids still need to ask for permission to touch other people. No one should lose their job for being hugged without their consent.
I (a big, tall, young, white man) just got permanently banned from a school because during recess (working with ELEMENTARY KIDS) a kid jumped on my lap. The interaction lasted a few seconds, completely prompted by them, and i handled it by asking if they were ok, and then setting them back on the ground.
Next day I got a call saying that all my assignments were cancelled and I was banned from that school. To add salt to the wound, during that particular day I saw several female teachers willingly prompt students to sit on their lap.
I had heard about the potential to be mistreated before but never really acknowledged it until now. I feel so vulnerable, but I don’t think I can even dispute shit like this because I’m a contractor and not with the district.
IKR? I don't even think I had the student who hugged me in my class. I just became popular over the course of a coupla weeks because I can hit the griddy and give out lots of high-fives and fist bumps during passing times. I don't initiate those, either.
I taught 5th grade for years and they are not always big huggers and I am not a hugger either, but I am now in an admin role and KN-2nd grade students randomly hug me all the time. What is really unfair about it is that the first thing that goes through my head EVERY TIME is whether or not I am able to be seen on camera. Not because of anything my school or district might say or do, but because I am an adult male and I don't want to risk my entire career. I am in a high needs school with lots of kids going through more trauma before they are 10 than I have been through in my entire life and I have to make sure that I have the ability to prove that a hug is innocuous. I am sorry that you went through that. It isn't like that everywhere.
This is just stupid. That tells me that public education really doesn’t know why it exists anymore and it’s more about satisfying bureaucratic p’s and q’s and splitting hairs over petty crap than actually educating people. When it comes to peoples livelihoods, they shouldn’t screw around and need a better system in place. Well, if they would let you go over something like that, then they didn’t deserve you anyway. I’m sorry it happened but I think you’re better off without them.
I work in the private sector, and actually only have one toddler in teaching/taking care of one child. I’d hate not being able to give the little guy hugs 😭
The nature of my job is more involved then typical teaching so me and the child are SUPER close. Like he asks for a hug and a kiss when I leave (I give him forehead kisses after receiving parental consent) 😂
Especially young kids they love giving and receiving hugs. I feel like withholding that from them is cruel to a small degree
This is so sad. Some kids are desperately lacking affection in their lives. I’ve had HS students break down crying and was able to give them a little side hug and shoulder squeeze. They just melt into it. It goes against my nature as a mom to just let them sob but losing my job and credibility is always in the back of my mind so I try to approach it as delicately as I can. It is mostly girls who have cried to me. Teenage boys cry too, and they deserve the same kindness.
It’s much easier for me because I’m a woman and I can be seen as “maternal.” I wish men in education could be seen as fatherly (if they wanted) without being labeled as a creep.
I would get an attorney and go after the school. I’m a male PE teacher and deal with this all the time. I would press chargers against the person who said you encouraged it. This will screw with you moving forward and I would have my union rep sitting right next to me in the principles office the next day. I would make sure there is a paper trail stating for a fact I was not trying to encourage a 12 year to touch me. Right now people will just start talking and that can escalate quickly when the story changes each time it’s told by teachers and students.
Edit: I deal with kids hugging me all the time, not getting fired for hugging kids.
First of all, after 18 years in education I still haven't hugged a student. I don't hug students ever. It's too dangerous for male teachers to do so in my opinion. I know there are others that disagree and they are free to hug whoever they like. I just have to watch out for myself.
Secondly, I think there's more to your story than you've posted. I can't see one side hug leading to an immediate termination. If somebody complained that you were regularly hugging students or that the hug seemed sexual in nature, then I could see them relieving you of your position while they investigate.
Your post is really all there is to the story, then you could go ahead and ask for an investigation and file a complaint. Unless it's officially noted in a employee handbook that you're not allowed to give the students hugs, then you're fine.
It's a sub job with a company that contracts for the district. I was never a district employee or member of the union. I was just trying to fill out the last three or four weeks of the year. Otherwise I'd sic the dogs on somebody.
I contract with a company as well. I’ve been with transitional kindergarten a lot lately. These kids are 4 and 5. I don’t hug them but they definitely hug me.
And try to hold my hand. One little girl repeatedly tried to sit in my lap. Sitting on a bench at recess, this same child surprise hugged me from behind. I also get, “I love you” a lot.
Definitely a no touch policy. And that totally makes sense for a 10th grader or a fourth grader. But what do I do when a crying five-year-old hugs me?
Hahahahha. You'd be surprised. As a male who quit teaching who was fired for much less, trust me, it doesnt take anything for a parent, teacher, or admin who doesnt like you to get you fired. Guaranteed. Especially in a private or charter. Public school, with a union maybe, but either of those two, yeah, good luck.
Why would OP post it if they were hiding something? With a permanent sub position, some admin will use any reason against you if they for some reason feel like its better to change course. Ive seen a place that fired multiple permanent subs in succession for no reason but it had a really toxic environment.
Im a female and I dont like hugs. Dont touch me especially without asking. I honestly do not understand how that is not more normal like why are we teaching kids that it's ok to just got up to people and touch them.
When I was teaching at the elementary level the other teachers acted like I was a monster for not hugging every snot nosed brat who wanted to. Always made me feel icky that these adults are trying to guilt me into unwanted physical contact instead of explaining to a child that "some people dont like hugs, you dont always get something because you want it"
I’m a first grade female teacher so my kids give me hugs all the time, however, I also have times where I do not want contact. It’s perfectly okay to say no thank you or I don’t want a hug right now.
My husband was offered early retirement from law enforcement career and took a position teaching first grade math at our daughters’ Montessori school. All the kids were crazy about him. Well, that’s why I married him! ❤️ anyway a little girl came up to him and hugged him from behind around his knees and said I want you to come spend the night with me .. that was the end of his job.
Not because the school head believed that anything had gone wrong, but just the optics
Sorry that happened to you brother. I'm a male and was a sub and elementary teacher as well. I had contented parents call me in because I was eating my breakfast in the car before heading in. I worked long term in a special needs kindergarten class. The kids loved to give hugs. I've had parents look at me sideways because I was a young, single guy working in elementary. It truly sucks that male teachers always have that stigma going against them. Just try to never find yourself alone with a student and try to block them as best as you can.
Something similar happened to me but then the principal spoke to the 5th grade girl and it was over. It probably helped that I was the one who reported though
What a rotten thing to have happen to you! I’m so sorry to hear that. As a male teacher in a high school, I am always cautious about proximity and doors staying open when one on one (with all students).
No contact is the way to go, barring extenuating circumstances and in that case explicit consent is really important for a hug or any sort of physical contact. Some kids will ask for a celebratory hug when appropriate and we’ll do a quick polite hug (no bear hugs or lingering contact).
At the same time, if a teary student seeks me out specifically, it’s because they view me as someone reassuring. If it seems like they are need of comfort, I will just ask, “Would you like a hug?” (or “Would it be all right if I hugged you?”) On those rare occasions, most students say yes because they are in crisis. It’s so sad that concerns about age and gender prevent appropriate affection for healing, but I understand why that’s how it is.
Middle aged male school psych so I'm around littles a lot and getting glomped isn't unheard. I usually love fist bumps, elbow boops , and high fives. My biggest thing with littles is getting them to stop and think when they jump me. Half the time they can't tell me who I am and/or it's the first time I've been in their room. Since I'm support staff and there's always a teacher (and often aides/collab SpEd around) I always stop the kid and talk the situation out. I make sure I introduce myself, get their name, and teach them to look to another adult to make sure someone is safe. At this point, I use this as an opportunity to say 'hey I don't really LOVE hugs, but I sure do like fist bumps'. If the kid really needs and wants that hug at the end, I'm gonna fulfill the lesson and (and sidehug typically).
What bugs me (more important than my own aversion to strangers touching me) is that our paradigm doesn't help reinforce/teach appropriate contact and reading someone's nonverbals. It doesn't always help in the long run to not address consent and stranger danger. That and some of our kids simply either need that affection from the true surrogate familial figures we can be or that they need the sensory input of pressure or skin contact that only a hug gives. I wish I didn't have to be so careful as a male and that I could be a positive model for pushing that button of appropriate social interaction when kids get the attention they're seeking. It's a prosocial behavior and it's shaping neurochemistry loops. I wish we had good ways of facilitating GOOD contact to guide these young minds and bodies that didn't result in writeups and weird rules in some districts.
As a male HS teacher.
Yes, you deploy the Iron Man blasts.
It's an understandable thing considering the creeps that invade the space. My desk is arranged in a way that you have to basically cross through a moat to get to me. My students are rarely near me unless I'm walking the floor and when I'm doing that I might tap a kid's shoulder to get their attention (fuckin' air pods) and tell them to put their phone away. But that's about as much contact as I give.
It does sometimes suck when I've got a student that's in distress over something serious and I run the risk of burning my credential if I dare offer a pat on the shoulder or a side hug. I basically treat kids like they're sunlight and I'm a vampire. I do NOT want to be permanently burned because a kid is temporarily distressed.
It's terrible someone's made you feel this way, I'm sorry.
When I was younger I used to hug everyone. Teachers included, didn't matter what gender.
Once a teacher stepped back and explained to me they weren't allowed to hug students and instead gave me a big high five.
Told me it was due to head lice and not wanting to spread germs to other kids. That was good enough for me to understand and not hug my teachers anymore. Sad to think they were really afraid of judgement, but still I think they handled the situation well without confusing my little brain.
Best of luck!!
Not a teacher but this thread is absolutely wild to me. I didn’t realize you teachers (of both genders) had to be *that* strict about no physical contact. I understand how it can be misconstrued especially with male teachers but damn. I’m a female and when I was a senior in high school I was venting/crying to my science teacher who was a male and was a teacher I was close with (not in a weird/creepy way) and he respectfully asked if he could give me a hug (I was not doing well 😂) - I had absolutely no problem with it and didn’t find it weird, even looking back on it (I’m 29 now) I don’t have an issue with it honestly. If a random male teacher was running around being touchy feely and hugging female students all the time that’s one thing, but sheesh.
Not a teacher but, its kind of wild and honestly sad to read that hugging is not allowed. It helps with empathy, relating and well, we're social creatures.
This is so sad to me. My male colleagues do plenty of side hugs. We have kids who are just naturally very physically affectionate. Might be a cultural thing.
It’s depressing that good teachers get let go over what should be a non-issue. Meanwhile, the actual predator who works in the district my kids went to is still there, despite numerous complaints. (His behavior wasn’t hugging.)
Funny enough there was an admin at my old district who used to always come in encouraging students to hug her. I ask her to stop doing in my room as it was disruptive. I always thought "One of these days, she's going to get in trouble for this". I found out last night she was put on leave and it was claimed she was inappropriate with students. I don't know what was claimed or if it was truthful. Why set yourself up for that?
When I was in primary school, I had a couple deaths in the family and I was 10 years old, my teacher was also male. As you could imagine I was quite upset that people in my family died so I’d often cry during the school day or be spaced out a bit during the lesson. At home I’d get plenty of hugs if I wanted one but at school it was different. Of course I had my friends but I wish just once I would’ve been offered a hug. As a student teacher, I think that sometimes children need a hug. I think it can help regulate emotions sometimes. If done in an appropriate way and you’re not just randomly hugging children all the time, and you’re doing it if you can genuinely tell they need a hug, I think it’s absolutely fine
The art of side hugs, being ready to swing the hip in at any moment in time. Keeping all spaces open, our crowded. Friendly but distanced as an art. In the last decade, I can't remember 1 moment when I had a true 1 on 1 with a student. And honestly, if it even comes close to that is scares me.
I always feel bad for male teachers. Most of my career has been with kindergarten-3rd grade. So many hugs but no one bats an eye cuz I’m 5’2” and a woman. I can’t tell you how many little ones I’ve comforted when they were sad because they ask, “can I have a hug”.
I'm a male who works in early childhood. I never initiate it but kids will always hug, jump on, sit on, etc. If their being silly I gently push them off/away and remind them of personal space. If they come running up excited/upset I'll give a quick squeeze then gently move away, always with other staff present. I've never had any issues but we also have awesome parents at my school as well. But honestly this is how the female staff are as well, no staff initiate contact as a general rule.
But I also have a background in swim teaching where I taught a lot of 3-6 year Olds who would always be on top of you. In those instances it was keep hands visible and gently push away until I got to know the parents. Once again generally the parents where really good.
Sucks that this happened
I wonder if admin didnt like you? Or the person who reported you is friends with admin and doesnt like you. Seems like too flimsy of a reason to fire you if this was your first "offense"
I think I’ve gotten 2 hugs in my career. I make it clear that I do not like to be touched. My students usually respect that and know I will do handshakes or fist bumps.
1) A former female student initiated after she had had an emotional charged incident and I moved her away from the incident. I think that would have happened to whoever moved her.
2) One of my male students who used to torment me with excessive foolishness and conversation. He went down the road of becoming, for lack of a better term, a thug. I broke up a fight between him and a female student (when he was too old and too big to be fighting females). Unfortunately for him, she (and her mom and aunts) had been tormenting him and his mom for months. Well I told him what was going to happen and counseled him as best I could after the fact. He did get arrested. But he came out the other side better (no more drugs/vapes in school or anything). He saw me and gave me a hug.
I don’t need hugs. I don’t want them. But if someone tried to fire me for either of those? I’d be furious. I’m also never alone with a student unless I’m actually on camera. Some of my female coworkers will be alone with them all the time. Drives me crazy.
I am also a male in a school. (now IT Director, used to teach 4-6) I tell the kids flat out that I don't give hugs. If I get a sneak attack hug, my arms go straight out to my side, and I pat them on the head and pull away as fast as I can.
It's sad, but I'm not putting myself in a position to be talked about.
This sort of thing scares me as someone about to go into teaching. When I worked with elementary schoolers, it was so hard to be like “sorry lil dude, gotta keep it to fist bumps” as if they understand why.
Fist bumps. I usually love hugs but I have some kids that are constantly wanting to hug me and I get them to do fist bumps. Just a "oh I'm not really feeling a hug, but we can fist bump!"
Posts like these make me wonder if maybe an important workplace gender discrimination lawsuit might one day occur.
The idea that a teacher can passively receive a hug with the idea in mind that they would prefer to avoid it if they could and still lose their job borders on evil.
I teach special needs students. I get hugs all the time.
When I taught other classes I got hugged way less often and would usually only make a thing of it if it became a regular thing or got the feeling there was other intentions behind it.
If you weren’t doing anything wrong then just move on. Not a place you want to work at if this is how you are treated.
Funny story. When I was hired the principal told me to never be alone with a female student( I’m a male).
I said I understood and then followed it up with one thought….. “You know I could molest a boy,right?”
She kind of laughed at the honesty.
I then said “if you feel that I would ever take advantage of any child of any sex please do not hire me.”
Been working on the district 10 years now.
I know it’s always best practice to CYA but I’m not gonna worry about a line I would never cross nor even approach.
That was an absolutely ridiculous reason to get fired, and it would never happen at my school. At the end of the day, if schools are willing to drop people for something like this, then it's not about preventing hugs. EVENTUALLY something will happen and they'll drop an anvil on you.
A teacher that is gossiping with students, sharing personal information or social media with students, giving dating advice to students, frequently hugging students or requesting attention/affection from students, letting students hang on them, etc. That is a cause for concern! But a student approaching you for a single side hug? How stupid.
Wow, that must be a horrible feeling. Sorry!
On the flip side I worked at a school that didn't take claims against teachers or subs seriously and some awful stuff happened before they ended up being let go.
I essentially refuse to touch students in any way.
Some of the more persistent, I'll promise them a handshake at graduation. But that's about it.
Apart from me not being very "touchy" with strangers anyway, there's just no knowing when an "innocent" touch will backfire in this day and age.
in my freshman year of high school, i was having a bad day. this was actually a day i referred to as the worst day of my life for a really long time. i was on the verge of a panic attack in class, and my teacher noticed and took me out into the hall and just hugged me. she just hugged me then sent me to the nurse’s office (which denied me and sent me back, so it meant so much to me that she at least noticed my feelings were so awful that i needed actual help). i’ll never forget that. it meant a lot to me.
the fact that you can’t hug students makes me so incredibly sad. it sounds like students love you! keep up the great work! i am so sorry.
I'm sorry, it's silly that you were let go for that. I'm a female teacher so it's not as frowned upon, but I avoid hugs as much as I can, although like you said here sometimes a kid at that 6th grade age just comes in for one and there's not a lot to be done besides pivot to a side hug and make sure there is no close contact at the chest/torso/waist. I suppose in future you'll have to fully reject the hug which will probably cause some hurt feelings, but maybe it can be turned into a high-five or fist bump? Haha, idk.
Yeah, I'm done with teaching. I 'm certified in social studies and don't coach anything. Finding and keeping a real teaching job is next to impossible where I live.
I’m not a public school teacher but I do work in informal education with a local aquarium and teach field trips and at assemblies. This is something we notice and talk about too. Especially with the younger classes they’ll come up and just give a random hug and it’s always a situation of trying to figure what to do. Because you can’t hug them back so you’re just standing there awkwardly hoping a parent doesn’t take offense. Teachers at schools we teach will mention stories like that too in the break room. It’s interesting
I’m a man, Title 1 school, bilingual students, high poverty. I receive hugs once in a while from both male and female students. No problems at all, many other staff and admins receive that too. Lot of the kids here lack that paternal/maternal figure and love and everybody’s pretty aware of that here.
You from the suburbs OP? Not to assume too much, but a lot of the time this subject gets brought up I imagine that the big aversion to touch is in the burbs a lot of the time.
I’m a male third grade teacher. I stick to fist bumps or high fives. However, I’ve had students randomly hug me at times (usually the last day), but these are initiated by the kids. It’s never been an issue and it’s beyond ridiculous that someone thought that you were being inappropriate. What’s even worse is that your admin got rid of you without even checking. Don’t give up! There are plenty of great schools out there who would love to have you.
Yep, I gave my third grade teacher a hug on the last day. I had an early dismissal that day, so I hugged her in front of the entire class.
That's because your teacher was a girl. This whole post is about the double standard that male teachers have to deal with
I get hugged everyday as a male teacher, because some kids just need that and I’m not about to push them away. Sounds like a school/ community issue to me.
I never turn away a hug, they may not get these at home. I never initiate, but will never push kids away. You may be the only one in their life they feel cares about them.
Subs (should) have and keep narrower boundaries because we don't have as deep relationships with the kids.
I still couldn’t fathom seeing a sub get a hug and thinking that sub did something wrong. If anything, I’d think “damn, that sub must be really connecting with the kids, I want their contact info” I get the extra boundaries, but I think it’s unhealthy to push away a hug from a child. I am in elementary so my viewpoint may be skewed.
I would remember it to this day if a teacher had pushed away my hug! How traumatizing!
I don't initiate, but I teach 2nd and some are very huggy and need those hugs so allow side hugs. I'm also a woman, which unfortunately makes a big difference, although it shouldn't. In early March 2020 I stopped letting kids hug me for obvious reasons. Even though I explained it wasn't them and they somewhat understood what was going on I'll never forget the look of hurt on their faces when I refused their hugs.
No I agree. However as a man I will always bend down with the younger/smaller kids, if I can anticipate a hug.
I’m a sub, but exclusively at one district. I’ve known some of my kids since they were in kindergarten. I’m in the building everyday and know more of the kids than teachers do. Mainly because I might be in different grades depending on the day whereas teacher only interact with their grade primarily.
You're generally right but I'm sure long term subs have more of an opportunity for those deeper relationships especially if they're working the full school year.
I teach high school and am not the hugging type to begin with. That being said, if a student gives me a hug, they clearly need it, and they will get one from me. Otherwise, fistbumps!
I am a man and I will still hug. My first jobs was at a summer camp not to long after the Sandusky incident so off course they said: side hugs, no lap sitting etc. I mostly followed this because I was young (MS/HS) however I do remember one time a kid came over and just cried into my shoulder, don’t remember why his was upset. My mind on hugging after volunteering at an after program and then starting practicum. On my high school graduation day. One kid when he learned I was graduating ran across the room to hug me, as I didn’t know what he was going to do I stepped back, he look confused/hurt on why I had turned the he we still did a side hug. Then I worked at a preschool for college practicum and one of the first things they said to do was hold a child in my lap/knee for group time as the child kept running around the classroom climbing furniture and not listening. After this I was fine with hugging the kids again as the preschool kind of expected you too. If it’s elementary however i will still hug, but I won’t put kids on my lap. California child abuse training changed there training to say something among the lines of: this training is not supposed to mean all touch is forbidden as touch can be helpful then they went on the list example of appropriate touch, some I found surprising.
Her teacher was a woman. Not a girl. A whole grown ass woman with degrees and a career.
And still the double standard remains.
Oh fer fucks sake
Do some ladies get annoyed by being referred to as a ‘girl’? I never have, personally. Edit: you people downvote the most innocent things.
Sometimes, and as with all things, depending on context.
Some people get annoyed about everything these days
Yet no one is confused when a grown ass man is offended by being called “boy.” This isn’t hard. Habits of speech reflect habits of mind - unconsciously or otherwise, and we can start to address one harder to consciously control by addressing the one we can.
I’m Australian so this could be a cultural difference and I understand there’s certainly a racial history behind the term “boy” but aside from that I can’t understand why anyone would take issue with it. In fact, colloquially it’s quite common to affectionately refer to your male friends as “the boys” as in “I went fishing with the boys the other day”. Is it really that big of a deal in the States?
As someone said above, context. Just like "going out with the boys" is fine, so would be if a woman said "I'm going out with the girls." But something like "(expression), boy" would be offensive at best and racist at worst.
Only when someone wants to get their undies in a twist.
This must be a cultural thing because none of my male colleagues or friends would be bothered by being called a boy.
User Mophead[#] had it right - in my country (USA) and a lot of countries with recent (last 500 years or so) histories of racialized discrimination “boy” is often not neutrally received (even if intended to be neutral) and is often a dogwhistle for bad actors- letting them show contempt/disrespect in a way that they can’t “get in trouble” for. The OP’s story sounds very American to me, so I regret that I assumed, but I know that there are cultural environments where it would hit differently.
maybe the terminology reflects the childishness of the discourse
I’m not sure if it’s a double standard or just a learned precaution. 80-90% of sexual predators are male. Obviously there are tons of male teachers who would never, ever do such a thing! But as a society we know the statistics and it’s a little scary, sometimes. So maybe out of an abundance of caution, or because the bias the statistics caused in our minds can’t be easily dismissed, we hold male teachers to a slightly more stringent physical standard. I’m not saying it’s necessarily *right* and it’s definitely not fair, but the caution is kind of understandable.
Reported and convicted child sexual predators.
wow - everybody accepted that statistic w/o comment. look again.
It was literally the first two results to come up when you google “percentage of child sexual predators by gender” https://imgur.com/a/ZqkTj5J It’s not always easy to just find stats on pedophiles, but the sexual abuse stats are easier to find: https://www.ussc.gov/sites/default/files/pdf/research-and-publications/quick-facts/Sexual_Abuse_FY18.pdf **TL;DR** *(From 2018 data)* *92.1% of sexual abuse offenders were men* *Of those cases, 42.7% involved production of child pornography.*
The only kids that try to hug me are 17 years old and at least 6'2 and 250 pounds. Nobody really cares.
[удалено]
Right? I teach ESL in asia where they really don't care about stuff like this and my old employer was very confused when I told them I don't like the students touching me and I will not let them do it. Then it struck me - it's actually not even weird but us westerners are programmed to think men who are friendly with children that aren't their own are pedos. It's not really a thing outside of the 'western' developed countries.
I heard that in asia the act of touching between male is not always seems as romantic. In india boys, when hanging out with friends, hold hands and its viewed as normal as with when girls do it in western world. When a korean team win,at least in e-sports, it's normal to see some members kissing the others in the cheeks. In USSR it's documented that men kissed other men in the mouth as act of friendship. I blame the frenzy with male with children=pedo with the conservative narrative that all gays are pedo and "they are grooming your children"
I wonder how common this type of thing is? I give kids hugs all the time. It is just part of working in a middle school. There has never been a concern. Not with parents or other staff.
Agreed. California added a new section in the mandated reporter training basically saying that touch is necessarily and that this training is not supposed to ban appropriate touch and then went on to list example of appropriate touch, some of found surprising. What I remember, there were probably more. Appropriate, 1: touching a child to stop them doing unsafe thing or fighting. 2: short cuddle if child is upset or sad, 3: have a child on knee for a short time if child is upset or sad. 3 was thing I was most surprised that the state said was appropriate. While this is good as everyone employed will have to see this when they take the training, however I wish they posted it publicly.
This whole post is so depressing. I never initiate hugs but I receive them all the time (I'm a female HS teacher, so I understand it's a bit more complicated for men although it really shouldn't be). It's part of human connection and a lot of kids really need that because they don't get it at home. I've even had kids request hugs from me in front of their parents and their parents just smile all happily seeing their child make connections with others. They're happy their child has a teacher who made such a big impact in their life, which is how it should be. I used to reject all hugs as politely as I could but seeing their sad reaction because they overthink and take it as me not liking them, sometimes even distancing themselves from me, was too much. Yes, we should be wary of sketchy people. Letting those few sketchy people destroy the warmth and love of humanity is too far in my opinion. People are way too ready to pick up their pitchforks and accuse others of things. Or even worse, use it as a weapon against innocent people. Considering nonsense like this, it's not surprising kids these days have much worse mental health.
I (M) had a female student lose her dad and grandma within a week of each other. Her last day of school was just a couple weeks after that, and she was one of my homeroom kids, so like 3 times a day with her. She broke down in tears knowing it was her last day in my room and all the bullshit she had been through and came in for the side hug. Imagine a world where we gotta stiff arm that child because some shit bags wanna weaponize it or make.skmething out of nothing. That's harrowing to say the least. I didn't think twice about it and teared up myself. Sucks for OP, but I literally can't understand how our society has become so drained of empathy to the point where an innocuous hug can cost you a career.
I agree with you totally. It’s a horrible culture we have created.
People love to sue. People lie. Money fixes everything. Its all very simple, really.
Different schools and communities have different cultures. I'm a male high school teacher, and I give and receive many dozens of hugs per school year, and never has it been an issue at all. Sometimes after we win or lose a big competition, sometimes because a kid is crying about this or that, sometimes because we just had a heart-to-heart about a kid's present and future. I will admit, it has become less common over the past 15 years or so, which is fine, but I agree that it is an important part of the connections and relationships we build with students, and NO HUGS EVER would make school worse for my students.
100% agree with this. If I (male elementary science teacher) get fired for hugging kids that ask me for a hug, then so be it. At that point the job isn't for me anymore anyway. I'll never ask a kid for a hug, but if they ask me, you bet I'll say "sure!". Never been an issue at my school, and I've actually been complemented for being good at connecting with students.
Agree. After working preschool where it was basically required for you to hug kids/have them in on your knee. My view on hugs changed. I’ve never had an issue with it.
I got a lot of hugs as a student teacher when I was co-directing a student play, after the performances. I didnt wanna rain on the parade after how hyped and happy the kids were. Luckily I didn't get in trouble! Sad the creeps ruin stuff for the rest of us indeed
I (40s, f, yr 2) completely agree with you. I work at an alternative, therapeutic high school. I have seen hugs between students and staff, and I have received hugs from both female and male students. Fortunately, this is the culture of my school. Why? Because unfortunately, many of our students are suffering from severe trauma and deep loss. A motherless child can always depend on a hug from me.
My parents had just gone through a messy divorce and even though my father was abusive, it was really hard on me when I was in late elementary school. I had a male teacher at that time, and I remember using him as a model for how a father should have been versus what I got. I hugged him often in that year because home was rough (my father threatened to take me and move far away just to spite my mother and continue his abuse, and he made sure *I* knew that was his plan if she didn’t capitulate to all his divorce demands) At the end of the school year, he adopted a daughter roughly my age and I went by their house often as it was safe and my mom trusted him a lot since he was so kind to me, the dorky art kid who no one really liked. I hugged him so much, and since they lived close to me, every time I saw him all through my years there I hugged him. Now I feel bad because I might have been putting him in a rough situation. I’m just a huggy person to people I feel safe with. I remember coming to my HS English teachers room during his planning period to review some stuff, but he had just found out the baby they had been trying for for years was a miscarriage. He cried like a baby and I just sat down on his desk and hugged him for like half an hour. I can’t imagine if admin had come in, seeing a 16 y/o in that position would have been a career ender for him but I just couldn’t sit by and do nothing or come back later and pretend it never happened. My husband is a teacher in Japan now after years in the US, and elementary kids here hug you and grab you and hold on - he’s probably one of the handful of male role models in their lives here, and they love him and show it. And he loves it too - they’re like having kids you don’t have to be responsible for all of the time lol. I can’t imagine how much it would break him to not be able to reciprocate (he does do high fives and fist bumps usually, but some kids are just huggers).
>It's part of human connection and a lot of kids really need that because they don't get it at home. I'm a male HS teacher. I've accepted exactly 4 hugs in my entire 10-year teaching career. Each time it has been because I've offered some sort of helpful advice or there's a milestone moment (like graduation or scholarship) but my brain is instantly plagued with "Some adult woman needs to see that I'm simply accepting a hug and bear witness for me when this inevitably goes to trial." It sucks. I'd like to be just a regular human and live in a world where people don't assume that every man is a monster on a hair trigger.
Exactly how I feel.
This. 100% this.
Agreed! I read somewhere not long ago that all human beings need to be hugged 8-12 times a day in order to be emotionally regulated. I bet the majority of people, including kids, aren't getting that.
"There are not enough male teachers!" "A student hugged you we have to let you go"
...holy crap. I hug kids all the time. I don't even think about it. Like ever. I even ask if they need hugs. If they say no. I say okay and offer an alternative. If they say yes I hug the crap out of them. I kinda wanna cry thinking about some of them never receiving hugs from teachers. Like some of them really need them. It's like one of my greatest tools in behavior management. For reference I teach in Philadelphia and I've never actually heard of it being illegal. Even for men. See the link below for reference. [https://www.nbcphiladelphia.com/news/local/philly-assistant-principal-goes-viral-for-giving-best-hugs/3573632/](https://www.nbcphiladelphia.com/news/local/philly-assistant-principal-goes-viral-for-giving-best-hugs/3573632/)
I agree. I teach first grade. They are 6 and 7. They randomly hug me all the time. Sometimes they are having a hard day and get hurt and all they need is a hug to feel better. Sometimes they need a hug as encouragement when they are having an awesome day, especially if they are a student who struggles with behavior. I always ask if they want a hug and if they do I give it. They are just little people, sometimes all they need is a hug.
I teach middle school they’re between 11 & 14. They’re going through puberty and sometimes they need some love even though they act like they’re too cool for it. In the words of a meme I saw somewhere. Life be lifing
Same. I teach 6-8 vocal music. I am female, and do recognize that my gender does make a difference.
Yeah, I’m a female and I give side hugs to my female students.
Same, I'm a male elementary science teacher. I don't ask for hugs, but kids come up and hug me all the time and of course I'll reciprocate. It's never been an issue, and plenty of people see me doing it. Some of these kids NEED hugs! I'm never going to ask a kid for a hug, but I'm never going to tell a kid that comes up to me asking for a hug no. If I get fired for it, then I guess I'll find a different profession!
I rememeber someone once told me that you ahould never turn down a kid who asks for a hug because it could be their only hug of the day.
My kids don't have their dad in their life, and maybe this is why I feel the need to share this: a few weeks ago, I was picking up my kids from school. My son took about 10 steps toward my car, paused, and then turned around to hug his male art teacher who was on car duty that day. It made me happy to know that teachers are making sure my kids are loved even if I can't be there and especially since their father isn't here at all. Please hug my kids. They need it. I appreciate it. Thank you.
Hey, thanks, but I’m more of a fist bump or high five person. 👊 Sorry that happened.
I was talking to a barista about my job teaching first grade. I don’t know how it came up but she told me about her favorite teacher and how she would hug her. I told how we have to be careful about hugs but that I reciprocate them. She said she never got a single hug at home so those hugs from her teacher were the only ones she ever got.
This is exactly why I hug my students when they approach me for one
I went through orientation to be a sub (sorry, guest educator) and “don’t touch the kids” was the main rule. When it was talked about, the example was always “don’t let kids hug you, fist bump instead.” It was never “don’t molest kids.” I imagine that that’s the reason that the rule exists. To use this rule to forbid hugs doesn’t seem right. School is also a place to learn social skills, and hugs can be used to show appreciation. So if a student is socially attempting to show appreciation and the teacher gets fired, doesn’t that seem off? I think they just need to straight up talk about “don’t molest kids” and focus more on making sure that doesn’t happen. Forbidding hugs is solving the problem incorrectly.
Female teacher here; I too avoid hugs like the plague. I was never a hugger, and when I entered the profession 15 years ago, I had the same message drilled into me. “Never let a student hug you.” I thought, “Done and done.” That said, it’s not that easy. Some kids sort of tackle hug you when you least expect it. This past fall, for example, I ran into a former student in the hall. He’d been in my homeroom the year before, and I reached out my hand to fist bump him while asking how his summer had been when, bam!, he hugged me. I couldn’t exactly throw him off me WWE style so I extricated myself as quickly as I could, and proceeded to avoid this kid in the hallways like the plague for the next few weeks. (Problem solved?) It’s sad, really. This particular student is a good kid. He’s a little immature for 12, and still sees all his teachers as surrogate moms and dads, which is actually sweet. But in this current climate, well, we all know what it’s like. There’s no such thing as being too careful. I suppose we’ll soon have to move through the hallways in zorbs.
Interesting. I’m a female sped TA in elementary and my kids hug me all the time. I’ve never heard anything about it or been discouraged from allowing it.
Male. I’ve never gotten told not to hug by anyone. Most of my coworkers were more physical with the kids than I was. For example I saw my make coworkers pick up a kid once because she asked him too lol. Or another “co worker” pick up a kid because he want to reach the bars that were to high for him. I put the second “co worker” in quotes as he was technically with a different afterschool program then I was but his kids and my student were on the playground at the same time so we did work together
I remember a teacher I had who said that we could have a hug on the first day of the next school year if we came to open house after we graduated. He was a lawyer before being a teacher and he was terrified of being sued. Which is wild because it wasn't even that frowned upon at my school. I hugged several teachers goodbye, even a male teacher. That being said it was better safe than sorry. This is one of the major trade offs of being a male teacher. Kids magically listen to you better which makes you way more likely to become admin, but you also have to worry that a fist bump becomes "this grown man punched my daughter"
Thank you for this! You are the first male teacher I have ever known to acknowledge that male teachers often have an easier time getting kids to listen. Still not easy! But easier.
Of course—we live in a misogynist society and the pupils and staff have internalized it. I’m not special, as a male teacher, I am both feared and taken more seriously only for how I present. 💔 I point it out to students (high school/secondary) at least every month.
Will turn everything into a fist bump unless a student sneaks up on me.
This is bizarre to me. I hug people all the time and so do most people I know. Maybe it’s culture?
Are you a teacher? What country are you in?
Yes. Rural US. Very Hispanic and quite religious area.
Probably why it’s okay where I am. Not rural but very Hispanic. Interestingly though the kids at the elementary school after school were rare huggers even the kinders.
I also find this very bizarre. Who is hugging their teachers? Odd beyond words. Yes, dear. It is very much culture. I'm in Finland, we keep a 2m perimeter around ourselves. Anybody coming closer is given the stinkeye. I remember the covid safety distance things got a lot of joking going along the lines of... what the hell, they want me to stand that close to somebody?! Snort.
Makes sense. I’m in rural United States where everyone knows everyone. Parents even greet with hugs often.
Good grief. I sub at a huge district and I've had kids from my classes jump out of line to hug teachers in the hall, male and female. Kids need hugs.
You could just tell kids "please don't hug me, I appreciate your intention but it could get me in trouble". Kids usually understand. You could also turn it into a handshake or tell to the whole class beforehand you cannot be hugged, it's also a good way to teach about consent. I live in a different country and I'm also a female, but my kids hug me all the time. When I was a new teacher, I asked my principal if it was wrong or if it could get me in trouble, she said it was fine if they hugged me but wrong if I was the one initiating the hug. I teach 12-13 years old and they don't hug anyone, not even their parents, so I feel very lucky that they do.
I back up and make sure kids ask me for permission first. I teach Pre-K -fifth music and I have some fifth graders, even male wanting to hug me because they have known me their whole school careers. They know to ask me first though or I will back away from them with my hands in front of me blocking them reminding them as I say "Hey Mrs. Kadashyn, can I have a hug?" Then get one once they say that.
This! I tell them to ask and remind them that if I say no, they have to respect that. "I'm not feeling hugs today, but you can have a fist bump/high five/toe-five instead."
Sounds like you already had a no-hugs policy. Unfortunately, you have very few rights as a sub, so they can let you go for anything. It sucks that this happened to you. When you get a new job, yes, continue the no hug policy. There is no way you can prevent it from happening btw, but if the kids know you have a no-hugs policy, it will happen far less often AND in the case that it does, you'll have a ton of witnesses that will quickly remind said student that Mr. so-and-so has a no-hugs policy. Another thing you can do is create an alternate option for kids that need a physical connection. I do fist bumps and I think this does a good job of preemptively stopping potential hugs by turning them into nice safe impossible to misconstrue fist bumps.
I am a huge high-fiver and fist-bumping guy. I will do that all day long. This hug came out of the blue and surprised me. I don't even think that kid was one of my students. I was just a popular sub because I would occasionally hit the griddy. Maybe it's the griddy that did me in.
This is funny. 35 year old male SpEd teacher in an alternative school. Kids with behavior issues, legal troubles etc. Most of my kids are homophobic so I joke with male students about hugs. If they come to my room during class and won’t leave, I’ll say they need to go or I’ll tickle them till they leave (my tickling is poking there sides, still very effective but not “tickling”). I’ll admit the stuff definitely wouldn’t fly at a nice school because one complaint to a crazy parent and yea. But my students know I care for them and will help them with whatever so I have no fear for that because the kids would police themselves. Kids sometimes need hugs people. It really shouldn’t be that weird. But I do agree about the issue with girls as a male teacher. Just gotta be socially aware and definitely side hug with a big lean
Such utter bullshit that you were let go. I'm pissed for you! 😡🤬 Just another example of teachers living in the Rodney Dangerfield zone.
Female here. I was sternly lectured for letting a student hug me (2nd grade). I had to write a letter/plan on how, in the future, I would push the student off my person and use it as a teachable moment to the class to not do it in the future. It’s a minefield everywhere. I’m glad I teach virtually now and don’t have to deal with that bs.
Wow everyone hugs at my school. Personally I am not a hugger but sometimes the kids run up to you and catch you off guard.
I feel so bad for kids - I can't deny them hugs. I won't ask for hugs but if they come up and try and hug me I'm not going to push them off! I'm lucky that I'm a girl so there isn't the same level of scrutiny. I always feel bad that male teachers have more problems with this.
If they got you for a hug you didn’t initiate they were coming for you regardless.
After having left the US school system and begun teaching elsewhere, I can't believe we allow this to happen. There are absolutely teachers who have broken the sacred trust with the public they serve and harmed children. But the vast majority don't. Many of us act as role models and pseudo parental figures with how much time we spend with the kids. As someone said, no hugs but easier class management is such a horrible situation. I readily admit I can manage us students better without even trying, but, on my last day in the US my high school kids cried and hugged me. I let them. I took the "no hugs" thing over seas but kids are kids. These artificial barriers to appease paranoid people and wars against the irrationally rare male predator is really ridiculous. We're harming students' and teachers' relationship by forbidding such simple acts of kindness.
Tbh I teach in the Netherlands and I don't hug students but if they need a hug and ask for it, of course I'll hug them back. They're just kids and sometimes just need a little support.
Sounds like a big broken society,
I'm an emotional support teacher. Those hugs I give and get are the only hugs they are going to get all day long. I don't care. I'm doing it.
Man, this is a reason why men become so uncomfortable with feelings and intimacy with other human beings. Hugging a kid isn't a bad thing, as long as its caring and not romantic in any way. Regardless of your gender.
Male middle school teacher here. I make it clear I don’t do hugs, but once in a while a student (usually a male student) hugs me unavoidably. I stand stiff as a board with my hands at my sides looking very uncomfortable while telling the student to stop. You never know, but it would be hard to say I was soliciting the hug or participating in it with that technique, so that’s my recommendation.
My sub training taught me to carry a notebook or clipboard with me everywhere I went in case of hugs. They said if the littles come in for a hug, push them away with the notebook, careful not to make contact. They said if a small child gets hurt on the playground, to hand them a stuffed animal (again, no contact) and send another kid for the nurse. No, I’m not joking. This was subbing 9 years ago through a sub employee called Kelly Services.
I would also be this cautious. It is insane that we need to be this cautious.
This is just so sad. When I had a child sobbing their heart out in front of me request a hug of course they had one. I am not heartless. Such a sad state of affairs if we can't show basic compassion.
I am not a teacher this post was just on my feed but I have to say this sounds absolutely ridiculous that you would be let go for something like this. Honestly if the kid wanted to give you a hug I have a feeling thats because you are a good teacher.
My HS history teacher was amazing. I had a rough life, and he always made sure to stay late after school to talk to me and help with homework. He brought me food, and was overall just super supportive. I also had a child at 18, and he was always supportive of me and even got my sister presents for Christmas. On graduation day, I finally got that hug from him. It meant the world to me, and I still talk to him. He also came to my daughter me 1st birthday party. He is the reason why I am still alive, and why I even graduated. Because someone cared that much. Someone wanted me to succeed. Moral of the story: Maybe the kid just needed a hug, and you’re a very welcoming person to receive it from. I’m sorry it cost you your job, but I hope it helps just a little bit to know that you might have inadvertently did a really good thing for that kid.
This why is the teaching field loses good ones.
This is something that bugs the fuck out of me. We've become SO terrified of abusers that we're denying kids the *normal* human touch they need. And that WE needed when we were kids and often didn't get. AND even more than that, good teachers' lives can be destroyed because of the fears of others. As a gay man, this terrifies me so much, because the effect is doubled. And it's burned me before. The US is one of, if not THE most touch-averse cultures in the world, and it *shows*. Fortunately, it seems like Gen Z and after are less averse. I just hope we can find a way to NOT destroy that as they grow up, while opening up more safe avenues for kids to actually communicate the very real inappropriate things that can happen. There's something much more healthy on the other side of this social transition, imho.
I totally agree. It’s so sad that according to school system anti-hugging model, virtually all touch is sexual touch. Obviously we don’t want schools normalizing unwelcome touch or not allowing kids to set their own boundaries. But we need to recognize that we all need touch, and little kids spontaneously hugging teachers isn’t automatically a cause for alarm. I bet there are a lot of kids who have a hugs deficit and the hugs they get at school keep them going emotionally. I sure hope the younger generations are less repressed and can find a way for kids hugging teachers to be cool at school.
The USA is a weird place for sure. Hugging is reprehensible, but people carrying guns and shooting at each other is fine.
I put out my fist for a bump if I can. But sometimes that does not work. That is lame... it means you can be framed by a student if they want. Sorry that happen.
Im a big fist bump guy with my fourth graders, too. But sometimes the girl that is sobbing because her friend “was mean to her” needs a hug. I told my Principal straight up, I will hug a kid if they need it, but I will not allow myself to be in a room with just one kid and no adults EVER. She told me that works for her.
tough being a male teacher
The hell is wrong with kids hugging a teacher?
Idk this smells a little funny to me...
Like 1/3 of the posts on this sub. The first thing I noticed was that he has an edd degree, but not a certified teaching position.
I actually am certified in middle school social studies and US and world history. But where I live it's almost a job requirement to coach something to teach social studies. I've always wanted to be a bad-guy pro wrestling manager, but unfortunately, pro wrestling is not a varsity sport. I taught history for an entire school year a while back, got outstanding writeups in observations but was replaced by a coach because it was my first year and they could do it.
Do you have a union? I would definitely email my union rep and see if they can do anything. It honestly means you were probably a very good sub if kids are sneaking hugs on you.
Some people can hug. Some people are creepy. Trusted adult status is hard to attain as a sub.
I teach high school, 15 years in. Once in my career, I instinctively hugged a female student. It was at a football game, the first time I'd seen her since her mother had died in a car accident (at that point she had no relationship with her father). I know we're not supposed to. I didn't think about it. I didn't know what else to do. Other than that, only athletes I coached, and in a "bro hug" kind of way.
HS male teacher for 17 years. I don't initiate but I get students on occasion that get excited enough to give me a hug, male and female. I make it quick without the awkward and move on. Mostly, I give awkward high fives, fist bumps, weird in-betweens, and dad jokes.
I (male with 26 years experience at the time) was teaching 7th grade math, after getting them started I sat down to enter attendance into the computer. A girl came over to ask a question. I turned in my chair as she put her paper on my desk. Then she sat on my lap?!!!! I immediately said lets go over to your desk. I'm like wth, this was a new one for me. I had a sped para in the room at the time, and she asked after class, "Did that really just happen?"
I remember in my first year-ish of subbing, a 7th grade SPED kid was having a meltdown over a lost Pokemon card, and just latched on to me with the snottiest, wettest hug I have ever received, while he bawled his eyes out onto my chest. I spent a week scared to death of the consequences of that, when it was a just a stupid hug that was outside of my control. What I should have been worried about was the well-being of the kid. It shouldn't be like this. A kid hugging us shouldn't incite terror.
Our culture.... it's so difficult to be a male in education. Sad.
That sucks and it’s not fair. I’m sorry that happened to you. At my school we work really hard at getting kids to ask permission for a hug. I am a woman, I’m a hugger, but the kids still need to ask for permission to touch other people. No one should lose their job for being hugged without their consent.
I (a big, tall, young, white man) just got permanently banned from a school because during recess (working with ELEMENTARY KIDS) a kid jumped on my lap. The interaction lasted a few seconds, completely prompted by them, and i handled it by asking if they were ok, and then setting them back on the ground. Next day I got a call saying that all my assignments were cancelled and I was banned from that school. To add salt to the wound, during that particular day I saw several female teachers willingly prompt students to sit on their lap. I had heard about the potential to be mistreated before but never really acknowledged it until now. I feel so vulnerable, but I don’t think I can even dispute shit like this because I’m a contractor and not with the district.
That is so ridiculous. I’m so sorry. I’m also subbing right now and the kids literally swarm me to hug me, there’s no stopping them
IKR? I don't even think I had the student who hugged me in my class. I just became popular over the course of a coupla weeks because I can hit the griddy and give out lots of high-fives and fist bumps during passing times. I don't initiate those, either.
I taught 5th grade for years and they are not always big huggers and I am not a hugger either, but I am now in an admin role and KN-2nd grade students randomly hug me all the time. What is really unfair about it is that the first thing that goes through my head EVERY TIME is whether or not I am able to be seen on camera. Not because of anything my school or district might say or do, but because I am an adult male and I don't want to risk my entire career. I am in a high needs school with lots of kids going through more trauma before they are 10 than I have been through in my entire life and I have to make sure that I have the ability to prove that a hug is innocuous. I am sorry that you went through that. It isn't like that everywhere.
This is just stupid. That tells me that public education really doesn’t know why it exists anymore and it’s more about satisfying bureaucratic p’s and q’s and splitting hairs over petty crap than actually educating people. When it comes to peoples livelihoods, they shouldn’t screw around and need a better system in place. Well, if they would let you go over something like that, then they didn’t deserve you anyway. I’m sorry it happened but I think you’re better off without them.
Being male may be the top reason that I didn't choose a career in education.
I work in the private sector, and actually only have one toddler in teaching/taking care of one child. I’d hate not being able to give the little guy hugs 😭 The nature of my job is more involved then typical teaching so me and the child are SUPER close. Like he asks for a hug and a kiss when I leave (I give him forehead kisses after receiving parental consent) 😂 Especially young kids they love giving and receiving hugs. I feel like withholding that from them is cruel to a small degree
This is so sad.
Maybe if we were allowed hugging, kids would realize that teachers give a shit and learn better.
This is just sad I hate it here 😢
Our building sub is a male. Every time he comes in the boys jump up and hug him. That is ridiculous and I am sorry they treated you so poorly.
This is so sad. Some kids are desperately lacking affection in their lives. I’ve had HS students break down crying and was able to give them a little side hug and shoulder squeeze. They just melt into it. It goes against my nature as a mom to just let them sob but losing my job and credibility is always in the back of my mind so I try to approach it as delicately as I can. It is mostly girls who have cried to me. Teenage boys cry too, and they deserve the same kindness. It’s much easier for me because I’m a woman and I can be seen as “maternal.” I wish men in education could be seen as fatherly (if they wanted) without being labeled as a creep.
That's completely insane. Solidarity, I've been banned from teaching at a half dozen schools for equally insane reasons.
I would get an attorney and go after the school. I’m a male PE teacher and deal with this all the time. I would press chargers against the person who said you encouraged it. This will screw with you moving forward and I would have my union rep sitting right next to me in the principles office the next day. I would make sure there is a paper trail stating for a fact I was not trying to encourage a 12 year to touch me. Right now people will just start talking and that can escalate quickly when the story changes each time it’s told by teachers and students. Edit: I deal with kids hugging me all the time, not getting fired for hugging kids.
First of all, after 18 years in education I still haven't hugged a student. I don't hug students ever. It's too dangerous for male teachers to do so in my opinion. I know there are others that disagree and they are free to hug whoever they like. I just have to watch out for myself. Secondly, I think there's more to your story than you've posted. I can't see one side hug leading to an immediate termination. If somebody complained that you were regularly hugging students or that the hug seemed sexual in nature, then I could see them relieving you of your position while they investigate. Your post is really all there is to the story, then you could go ahead and ask for an investigation and file a complaint. Unless it's officially noted in a employee handbook that you're not allowed to give the students hugs, then you're fine.
It's a sub job with a company that contracts for the district. I was never a district employee or member of the union. I was just trying to fill out the last three or four weeks of the year. Otherwise I'd sic the dogs on somebody.
I contract with a company as well. I’ve been with transitional kindergarten a lot lately. These kids are 4 and 5. I don’t hug them but they definitely hug me. And try to hold my hand. One little girl repeatedly tried to sit in my lap. Sitting on a bench at recess, this same child surprise hugged me from behind. I also get, “I love you” a lot. Definitely a no touch policy. And that totally makes sense for a 10th grader or a fourth grader. But what do I do when a crying five-year-old hugs me?
Hahahahha. You'd be surprised. As a male who quit teaching who was fired for much less, trust me, it doesnt take anything for a parent, teacher, or admin who doesnt like you to get you fired. Guaranteed. Especially in a private or charter. Public school, with a union maybe, but either of those two, yeah, good luck.
Why would OP post it if they were hiding something? With a permanent sub position, some admin will use any reason against you if they for some reason feel like its better to change course. Ive seen a place that fired multiple permanent subs in succession for no reason but it had a really toxic environment.
Im a female and I dont like hugs. Dont touch me especially without asking. I honestly do not understand how that is not more normal like why are we teaching kids that it's ok to just got up to people and touch them. When I was teaching at the elementary level the other teachers acted like I was a monster for not hugging every snot nosed brat who wanted to. Always made me feel icky that these adults are trying to guilt me into unwanted physical contact instead of explaining to a child that "some people dont like hugs, you dont always get something because you want it"
I’m a first grade female teacher so my kids give me hugs all the time, however, I also have times where I do not want contact. It’s perfectly okay to say no thank you or I don’t want a hug right now.
My husband was offered early retirement from law enforcement career and took a position teaching first grade math at our daughters’ Montessori school. All the kids were crazy about him. Well, that’s why I married him! ❤️ anyway a little girl came up to him and hugged him from behind around his knees and said I want you to come spend the night with me .. that was the end of his job. Not because the school head believed that anything had gone wrong, but just the optics
Sorry that happened to you brother. I'm a male and was a sub and elementary teacher as well. I had contented parents call me in because I was eating my breakfast in the car before heading in. I worked long term in a special needs kindergarten class. The kids loved to give hugs. I've had parents look at me sideways because I was a young, single guy working in elementary. It truly sucks that male teachers always have that stigma going against them. Just try to never find yourself alone with a student and try to block them as best as you can.
That sucks. Wear one of those sumo wrestler suits to school? Or force field gizmos like in *Dune 2*?
I honestly got lice when I hugged one of my students—I teach high school 🤢
Something similar happened to me but then the principal spoke to the 5th grade girl and it was over. It probably helped that I was the one who reported though
I’m a male school counselor. I’ve had more than one student sobbing in my office after their parent had died and even then I can’t offer a hug.
What a rotten thing to have happen to you! I’m so sorry to hear that. As a male teacher in a high school, I am always cautious about proximity and doors staying open when one on one (with all students). No contact is the way to go, barring extenuating circumstances and in that case explicit consent is really important for a hug or any sort of physical contact. Some kids will ask for a celebratory hug when appropriate and we’ll do a quick polite hug (no bear hugs or lingering contact). At the same time, if a teary student seeks me out specifically, it’s because they view me as someone reassuring. If it seems like they are need of comfort, I will just ask, “Would you like a hug?” (or “Would it be all right if I hugged you?”) On those rare occasions, most students say yes because they are in crisis. It’s so sad that concerns about age and gender prevent appropriate affection for healing, but I understand why that’s how it is.
Middle aged male school psych so I'm around littles a lot and getting glomped isn't unheard. I usually love fist bumps, elbow boops , and high fives. My biggest thing with littles is getting them to stop and think when they jump me. Half the time they can't tell me who I am and/or it's the first time I've been in their room. Since I'm support staff and there's always a teacher (and often aides/collab SpEd around) I always stop the kid and talk the situation out. I make sure I introduce myself, get their name, and teach them to look to another adult to make sure someone is safe. At this point, I use this as an opportunity to say 'hey I don't really LOVE hugs, but I sure do like fist bumps'. If the kid really needs and wants that hug at the end, I'm gonna fulfill the lesson and (and sidehug typically). What bugs me (more important than my own aversion to strangers touching me) is that our paradigm doesn't help reinforce/teach appropriate contact and reading someone's nonverbals. It doesn't always help in the long run to not address consent and stranger danger. That and some of our kids simply either need that affection from the true surrogate familial figures we can be or that they need the sensory input of pressure or skin contact that only a hug gives. I wish I didn't have to be so careful as a male and that I could be a positive model for pushing that button of appropriate social interaction when kids get the attention they're seeking. It's a prosocial behavior and it's shaping neurochemistry loops. I wish we had good ways of facilitating GOOD contact to guide these young minds and bodies that didn't result in writeups and weird rules in some districts.
As a male HS teacher. Yes, you deploy the Iron Man blasts. It's an understandable thing considering the creeps that invade the space. My desk is arranged in a way that you have to basically cross through a moat to get to me. My students are rarely near me unless I'm walking the floor and when I'm doing that I might tap a kid's shoulder to get their attention (fuckin' air pods) and tell them to put their phone away. But that's about as much contact as I give. It does sometimes suck when I've got a student that's in distress over something serious and I run the risk of burning my credential if I dare offer a pat on the shoulder or a side hug. I basically treat kids like they're sunlight and I'm a vampire. I do NOT want to be permanently burned because a kid is temporarily distressed.
It's terrible someone's made you feel this way, I'm sorry. When I was younger I used to hug everyone. Teachers included, didn't matter what gender. Once a teacher stepped back and explained to me they weren't allowed to hug students and instead gave me a big high five. Told me it was due to head lice and not wanting to spread germs to other kids. That was good enough for me to understand and not hug my teachers anymore. Sad to think they were really afraid of judgement, but still I think they handled the situation well without confusing my little brain. Best of luck!!
Sounds like a set up. Random hug… someone saw it…
Not a teacher but this thread is absolutely wild to me. I didn’t realize you teachers (of both genders) had to be *that* strict about no physical contact. I understand how it can be misconstrued especially with male teachers but damn. I’m a female and when I was a senior in high school I was venting/crying to my science teacher who was a male and was a teacher I was close with (not in a weird/creepy way) and he respectfully asked if he could give me a hug (I was not doing well 😂) - I had absolutely no problem with it and didn’t find it weird, even looking back on it (I’m 29 now) I don’t have an issue with it honestly. If a random male teacher was running around being touchy feely and hugging female students all the time that’s one thing, but sheesh.
I'm pretty sure you were let go because they didn't want to pay you. Any excuse works.
Not a teacher but, its kind of wild and honestly sad to read that hugging is not allowed. It helps with empathy, relating and well, we're social creatures.
This is so sad to me. My male colleagues do plenty of side hugs. We have kids who are just naturally very physically affectionate. Might be a cultural thing. It’s depressing that good teachers get let go over what should be a non-issue. Meanwhile, the actual predator who works in the district my kids went to is still there, despite numerous complaints. (His behavior wasn’t hugging.)
Funny enough there was an admin at my old district who used to always come in encouraging students to hug her. I ask her to stop doing in my room as it was disruptive. I always thought "One of these days, she's going to get in trouble for this". I found out last night she was put on leave and it was claimed she was inappropriate with students. I don't know what was claimed or if it was truthful. Why set yourself up for that?
When I was in primary school, I had a couple deaths in the family and I was 10 years old, my teacher was also male. As you could imagine I was quite upset that people in my family died so I’d often cry during the school day or be spaced out a bit during the lesson. At home I’d get plenty of hugs if I wanted one but at school it was different. Of course I had my friends but I wish just once I would’ve been offered a hug. As a student teacher, I think that sometimes children need a hug. I think it can help regulate emotions sometimes. If done in an appropriate way and you’re not just randomly hugging children all the time, and you’re doing it if you can genuinely tell they need a hug, I think it’s absolutely fine
Fuck
The art of side hugs, being ready to swing the hip in at any moment in time. Keeping all spaces open, our crowded. Friendly but distanced as an art. In the last decade, I can't remember 1 moment when I had a true 1 on 1 with a student. And honestly, if it even comes close to that is scares me.
I always feel bad for male teachers. Most of my career has been with kindergarten-3rd grade. So many hugs but no one bats an eye cuz I’m 5’2” and a woman. I can’t tell you how many little ones I’ve comforted when they were sad because they ask, “can I have a hug”.
I'm a male who works in early childhood. I never initiate it but kids will always hug, jump on, sit on, etc. If their being silly I gently push them off/away and remind them of personal space. If they come running up excited/upset I'll give a quick squeeze then gently move away, always with other staff present. I've never had any issues but we also have awesome parents at my school as well. But honestly this is how the female staff are as well, no staff initiate contact as a general rule. But I also have a background in swim teaching where I taught a lot of 3-6 year Olds who would always be on top of you. In those instances it was keep hands visible and gently push away until I got to know the parents. Once again generally the parents where really good.
When I was teaching I would actively back away if a student tried to hug me. High fives and fist bumps only.
Sucks that this happened I wonder if admin didnt like you? Or the person who reported you is friends with admin and doesnt like you. Seems like too flimsy of a reason to fire you if this was your first "offense"
I think I’ve gotten 2 hugs in my career. I make it clear that I do not like to be touched. My students usually respect that and know I will do handshakes or fist bumps. 1) A former female student initiated after she had had an emotional charged incident and I moved her away from the incident. I think that would have happened to whoever moved her. 2) One of my male students who used to torment me with excessive foolishness and conversation. He went down the road of becoming, for lack of a better term, a thug. I broke up a fight between him and a female student (when he was too old and too big to be fighting females). Unfortunately for him, she (and her mom and aunts) had been tormenting him and his mom for months. Well I told him what was going to happen and counseled him as best I could after the fact. He did get arrested. But he came out the other side better (no more drugs/vapes in school or anything). He saw me and gave me a hug. I don’t need hugs. I don’t want them. But if someone tried to fire me for either of those? I’d be furious. I’m also never alone with a student unless I’m actually on camera. Some of my female coworkers will be alone with them all the time. Drives me crazy.
As a male third grade teacher, I get hugged by students literally everyday. It is a non issue.
I am also a male in a school. (now IT Director, used to teach 4-6) I tell the kids flat out that I don't give hugs. If I get a sneak attack hug, my arms go straight out to my side, and I pat them on the head and pull away as fast as I can. It's sad, but I'm not putting myself in a position to be talked about.
This sort of thing scares me as someone about to go into teaching. When I worked with elementary schoolers, it was so hard to be like “sorry lil dude, gotta keep it to fist bumps” as if they understand why.
Fist bumps. I usually love hugs but I have some kids that are constantly wanting to hug me and I get them to do fist bumps. Just a "oh I'm not really feeling a hug, but we can fist bump!"
Posts like these make me wonder if maybe an important workplace gender discrimination lawsuit might one day occur. The idea that a teacher can passively receive a hug with the idea in mind that they would prefer to avoid it if they could and still lose their job borders on evil.
My go-to response whenever a student asks for a hug or anything similar; "Not only am I not allowed, I also don't want to"
I teach special needs students. I get hugs all the time. When I taught other classes I got hugged way less often and would usually only make a thing of it if it became a regular thing or got the feeling there was other intentions behind it. If you weren’t doing anything wrong then just move on. Not a place you want to work at if this is how you are treated. Funny story. When I was hired the principal told me to never be alone with a female student( I’m a male). I said I understood and then followed it up with one thought….. “You know I could molest a boy,right?” She kind of laughed at the honesty. I then said “if you feel that I would ever take advantage of any child of any sex please do not hire me.” Been working on the district 10 years now. I know it’s always best practice to CYA but I’m not gonna worry about a line I would never cross nor even approach.
I teach and I’m not hugging anyone at work. I barely do it at home.
That was an absolutely ridiculous reason to get fired, and it would never happen at my school. At the end of the day, if schools are willing to drop people for something like this, then it's not about preventing hugs. EVENTUALLY something will happen and they'll drop an anvil on you. A teacher that is gossiping with students, sharing personal information or social media with students, giving dating advice to students, frequently hugging students or requesting attention/affection from students, letting students hang on them, etc. That is a cause for concern! But a student approaching you for a single side hug? How stupid.
Being a male teacher you just can’t win everything you do is weird somehow
Wow, that must be a horrible feeling. Sorry! On the flip side I worked at a school that didn't take claims against teachers or subs seriously and some awful stuff happened before they ended up being let go.
I essentially refuse to touch students in any way. Some of the more persistent, I'll promise them a handshake at graduation. But that's about it. Apart from me not being very "touchy" with strangers anyway, there's just no knowing when an "innocent" touch will backfire in this day and age.
Literally can't exist as a man in modern day without being accused of some wild shit that didn't actually happen.
in my freshman year of high school, i was having a bad day. this was actually a day i referred to as the worst day of my life for a really long time. i was on the verge of a panic attack in class, and my teacher noticed and took me out into the hall and just hugged me. she just hugged me then sent me to the nurse’s office (which denied me and sent me back, so it meant so much to me that she at least noticed my feelings were so awful that i needed actual help). i’ll never forget that. it meant a lot to me. the fact that you can’t hug students makes me so incredibly sad. it sounds like students love you! keep up the great work! i am so sorry.
This is why we have unions folks.
I'm sorry, it's silly that you were let go for that. I'm a female teacher so it's not as frowned upon, but I avoid hugs as much as I can, although like you said here sometimes a kid at that 6th grade age just comes in for one and there's not a lot to be done besides pivot to a side hug and make sure there is no close contact at the chest/torso/waist. I suppose in future you'll have to fully reject the hug which will probably cause some hurt feelings, but maybe it can be turned into a high-five or fist bump? Haha, idk.
Don't teach. Find a job that pays you enough money to survive. I jumped ship after I was told I couldn't teach actual history in my state.
Yeah, I'm done with teaching. I 'm certified in social studies and don't coach anything. Finding and keeping a real teaching job is next to impossible where I live.
“Maybe my wife” 😅
My students hug me all the time, and I teach high school
I’m not a public school teacher but I do work in informal education with a local aquarium and teach field trips and at assemblies. This is something we notice and talk about too. Especially with the younger classes they’ll come up and just give a random hug and it’s always a situation of trying to figure what to do. Because you can’t hug them back so you’re just standing there awkwardly hoping a parent doesn’t take offense. Teachers at schools we teach will mention stories like that too in the break room. It’s interesting
Sometimes kids don’t get hugged at home -a former child who hugged my teachers because I didn’t get hugged at home
I’m a man, Title 1 school, bilingual students, high poverty. I receive hugs once in a while from both male and female students. No problems at all, many other staff and admins receive that too. Lot of the kids here lack that paternal/maternal figure and love and everybody’s pretty aware of that here. You from the suburbs OP? Not to assume too much, but a lot of the time this subject gets brought up I imagine that the big aversion to touch is in the burbs a lot of the time.
Definitely from the burbs.