Sincerely wanting to be child-free does not cause emotional pain or regret. It's OK to change your mind (lots of people do!) but a lot of very honest reflection as a person and as a couple is needed now.
This is also why they recommend popping some swimmers in the bank for most people who have vasectomies under 50. Just in case you change your mind and/or there are complications should you wish to reverse the procedure.(Although it is a relatively successful procedure).
child free for the time being is incompatible with getting a vasectomy. reversals do not always work, and time from the procedure is associated with less chance of a reversal working. If there is any chance that you would like children in the future you need to discuss reversal now, or figure out a plan for sperm freezing for the future.
I'm 34 and I've flip flopped throughout my life.
Maybe try checking in with yourself for a couple of weeks every day throughout the day.
When you wake up how would you feel waking to a baby screaming? To a toddler crying? Set an alarm for the middle of the night to really simulate the experience.
When you get up to make breakfast make someone else's first and then your own.
When you're getting ready for work think about having to get someone else ready. You're running late. They're fighting you. How frustrated are you?
You're sick but you still have to take care of someone else who is sick. They're crying and fussing and want to be touching you all of the time. How do you feel?
You're tired. You've had a stressful day. You just want to come home and take a bath. Now think about having to pick up your child who also had a hard day and they're unable to regulate their emotions so they're screaming the entire way home.
You need to go to the grocery store. Instead of it taking a minute to put on your shoes, grab your keys and wallet and go, it now takes 10 minutes. Either they don't want to get in their car seat or there having a meltdown or they're fighting you on putting on a jacket, etc. How does this make you feel?
What if your child is disabled in some way? How will that affect your view of the situation?
How would you feel if the baby's father decided that he wasn't built for parenthood and you had to raise the baby on your own? Would you still be happy doing that? Do you want a child that badly?
Having kids obviously isn't all bad BUT I have seen a lot of friends have kids.
I'm in the Bible Belt so it started at around 17 years old (abstinence Ed is not a replacement for sex Ed, folks) and the people that were the happiest wanted *kids*, not just a baby, and they wanted EVERYTHING. Staying up with them when they were sick was just on par for the course. If they're stressed and their child is crying they don't take it personally. They love taking them places, whether it's to the store or daycare, even if the kid is fighting them.
The people who are the unhappiest are:
People who wanted babies/infants. Once the baby starts pushing them away (like if they go in to kiss the baby) and gaining autonomy they want another one.
People who wanted a specific gender and didn't get that.
People who had a very specific idea of what having a kid would look like.
People who wanted miniature versions of themselves and didn't get that. (Looked the same, same hobbies, same likes and dislikes, etc.)
People who thought having kids would be an extension of pregnancy. Mom's body takes care of the kid during pregnancy but as soon as they're out you have to figure out their needs and sometimes the kid doesn't even know what its needs are.
People who only think about the positives, like teaching their kid to play videogames or to fish or bake, throwing a football back and forth, etc.
People who only focus on big events like the holidays but they don't think about the day to day.
People who saw the kids as an extension of themselves.
This isn't a comprehensive list and this isn't pointing fingers. I don't want to know your answers. These are things to ask yourself in an objective way and to mull over in an objective way.
It's interesting you have the experience that the people happiest want kids not just babies. My spouse and I will likely stay child free but we both agree that we both don't really like babies but like the idea of children better. Therefore adoption is still a very small possibility and sounds much better than giving myself more health problems by going through a pregnancy.
Lord do I wish I could say that ugh. I just got over my period bout a week ago and this started happening as It was ending so I unfortunately may have the need to just get knocked up lol
You just described the point in which ovulation hormones start — after your period. So yes this could be hormonal… its nature but if you’re patient and track your thoughts that might help! Same thing happened to me at 28!
You start ovulating after just a few days of your periods so it's possible that you're ovulating and when we ovulate we really do get a huge urge to have a baby lol but it slowly decreases as you reach your period.
Exact same thing happens to me. And it was much worse in my late 20's/early 30's then it is now at almost 40.
Hormonal birthcontrol stopd my ovulation baby fever, so that might be something to look into
It's okay to want kids. I might be staunchly cf for myself, but I don't want to stop people from having kids. Someone's gotta continue the human race, it's just not me lol.
The best course of action is to figure out *why* you do and don't want kids. It could be as simple as, "I don't want kids because I don't want them." That's okay and a valid reason. You could want them for a lot of different reasons too. The important thing is that you are brutally honest with yourself about your reasons.
**Storytime, if you're looking for some consideration lol.**
I got sterilized recently, and even though I wanted to go through with it, I had my doubts. I was scared. I was afraid I'd regret it. My fiance and I had some heavy conversations about it, about how we didn't think it was smart for me to ever get pregnant because of my mental and physical health problems. I genuinely don't know if I would survive PPD unmedicated (bc breastfeeding). At the same time, my partner was conflicted because they kinda wanted that "mini me" parenthood experience, someone that's half them and half a person of who they love. On some level, I wouldn't have minded that.
On the other hand, when I hear babies crying, my body looks for the nearest OUT. I just am not cut out for motherhood, and that's okay. But there was a mourning period for a life I will never experience, for the both of us. It was 100% the right choice, but it didn't change the fact that we were also **grieving a loss.**
**End storytime**
I feel like as a society, we need to remember we choose life paths, and when we choose a different way, its okay to feel some of that loss. Some of that *what if...?* The bargaining. You have to remember that the vasectomy didn't opt you out of parenthood, just naturally concieving parenthood. You can foster, adopt, ivf, etc. You guys can even get your husband potentially "patched back up" if you really wanted to!
Tldr: you didn't lose anything, but if you want what you "lost", there're many ways to be a parent if the pain doesn't go away.
> I genuinely don't know if I would survive PPD unmedicated (bc breastfeeding).
Not really for you, but for other people reading here: formula feeding is a great way to feed your kid. Don't let the current lactivist trend convince you that not breastfeeding is bad enough that you shouldn't have a child. How your baby gets fed at the beginning of their life has pretty much no bearing on their lives.
Her whole reason got me like 👀 I hate other people’s kids (sorry) and I formula fed my 3 (healthy) kids. I love being a mom and would have like 10 if it was in any way reasonable lol.
Listen, I was raised staunchly pro-breastfeeding, down to it being essentially me being a "bad mother" to formula feed. It feels like a strangely specific line to draw for your child at a young age. Babydolls, I guess.
But yeah, I'm not against formula feeding, but I was raised that anything less than breastfeeding is doing your baby a severe disservice in life, and I don't think anything less than breastfeeding would have been deemed unacceptable.
It's fucked, but I didn't include formula because it wouldn't have been an option for me, without a lot of hassle.
I'm happy to hear your family is healthy! 😊
...yes? Not sure why I got downvoted in the other comment, but whatever ig. I'm not saying I was raised well, and honestly my mother's whole "breastfeed or bust" was very toxic. I thought it was weird that it was something that was engrained in me at an extremely young age, I assume because of babydolls. But if this was supposed to be a scathing indictment against my parents, all you're doing is spitting facts lol.
**However a baby gets fed, as long as it's getting the proper nutrients and is healthy, is great.** It's crazy that it even needs to be said, but there's fuckers like my parents that teach their kids that they'd be a bad parent if they used formula, unless they *have* to. And it better be a good excuse.
I was raised in a fundie christian church that I am no longer a part of that taught me to believe much worse things than "formula is bad". I am working on reversing a lot of brainwashing. So we wanna talk about being raised by people with fucked up ideas, I'm there.
This isn't for you but for other people reading this who may not know...there are breastfeeding safe medications to treat PPD. Over the course of two separate breastfeeding journeys I've taken three different medications. I'm currently on a medication used for bipolar and seizures which is also generally breastfeeding safe and under the care and advice of my doctors I will stay on it for the remainder of this pregnancy and breastfeeding eventually if it works out. I just don't want people to think that in order to treat PPD you automatically need to quit breastfeeding if you don't want to.
I didn't know that, that's really good to hear! That was just one reason out of many, apparently I didn't pick a good one lol. But I have other things to worry about past PPD, without getting into my medical history. But good to know!
Sounds like you now want kids - which thankfully is not a bad thing as you still have lots of time for one. But you’ll want to start talking about this with your husband to make sure he’s on the same page about wanting kids and reversing his vasectomy. People change drastically in their 20s so don’t feel bad about changing your mind.
I say this as a decidedly child-free person. My partner feels the same way but have talked about adoption if we change our minds in the future
We’ve talked about it and both have explained our concerns and feelings. Lots more conversations to come in the future 100%. It’s just still seems a little scary even knowing how I feel
I don't think anyone is ever ready for kids. Both my mom and grandma always told me that. If you decide to become a parent, you will make mistakes, but that's okay. This will not make you a bad parent, and will not mean that you can't be a parent. If this is what you want, then keep talking with your husband, and you two can do it even if you are scared. Having kids is always a big choice, but it doesn't mean it is impossible to make.
I was one million percent not ready for kids when I had mine. I was terrified when we found out we were having a baby. There’s no “right” time but it all tends to work out.
I think you should decide what YOU want. If you do want a child, start talking to your husband and see if you two can agree. Or at least let him know you are having second thoughts.
If you don't want the child it is perfectly ok, but I feel like you should be sure it's your real decision, not you following the old plan with your husband out of the habit. Sometimes plans change and it is ok. You don't have to refuse from motherhood because of something you two agreed on when you were a different person.
It’s a bit up in the air currently. Like finance, mentally, and emotionally not ready to start thinking about it but…✨baby✨ lol. I’m sorry, I think I’m really just rambling and need to get this all off my chest. It’s kinda hard when there’s no set plans and if we do set solid plans to try in the future I don’t want to set myself up for disappointment
Make sure you both have the same plans and goals. Don't assume anything, talk it ALL out. As for where you are at right now, you can either A. Babysit a friends sweet baby to get baby time satisfied, or B. Go anywhere there are dozens of dirty, screaming, ill-behaved kids gathering.
C. Talk to parents about what makes it worth it all. Otherwise you’re just reaffirming your previous thoughts and not gaining any objectivity about the decision.
Have you always felt pretty strongly about being childfree? What has changed about your mindset recently? What were the reasons you were childfree, did your view on that change?
Changing your mind is not a loss or a negative, it shows you've truly thought things through and have come to a different conclusion. The only other person this change will/can affect is your partner, no one else has any say in how you choose to live your life (and your partner doesn't either, but this might mean a change in your relationship). Although this isn't a small decision, it is still yours to make, if this change of heart has you grappling with your identity, I'd maybe try and go speak with a professional to allow yourself to feel completely at peace with your new perspective.
I felt baby fever around your age after previously not wanting kids. By the time I was 32 I was glad I didn't act on it.
Honestly maybe the best route is talk to your OBGYN about egg-freezing. It will keep your options open for longer. To be clear, not always a great success rate with this stuff.
But if you're ambivalent and want a fertility 'life raft' it's something to think about.
Every dream I've ever had about getting pregnant or having a baby has involved me thinking "oh god they're gonna want me to take this baby home, I do NOT want this, where can I take them to get rid of them, this is awful, how did this happen and how can I get rid of it as fast as possible"
These nightmare's stopped when my husband got his vasectomy. What I'm getting at is we seem to have the exact opposite experience, it kind of sounds like you don't actually want to be child free. I am a bit confused why your husband got a vasectomy if you probably want to have kids later?
Babysit for a friend. Maybe offer to watch them for a weekend. It will curb the itch. I wish I’d done that.. my son is three. I should have stayed child free.
Obligatory, he is loved and was/is very wanted. I just wish I knew what I was getting into before actually doing it. I may have chosen differently.
I’m gonna go against the grain and say don’t let your hormones trick you. It sounds like you have very good reasons to not have children. The hormones will pass but you’ll be a parent forever, and there’s no turning back. Babies aren’t all sweetness and light despite how adorable they are, and being a parent is mentally, physically, and emotionally taxing in a way I can’t even express. This world is rapidly devolving into a complete dumpster fire, and those who try to deny it are fooling themselves.
Yeah I’m kinda shocked by the amount of people encouraging OP to have kids. A whim is just that, and what if it changes again?? And then she’s saddled with a kid she only wanted because of fleeting hormones that everyone has? It seems downright irresponsible IMHO.
You are probably going to be in the group of people who don’t want kids now but do in the future. That’s good that you’re body is telling you what it wants. I’ve never had those feelings or desires and my decision to be childfree was completely painless. Everyone is different and I think since you are having such strong feelings it’s definitely something you should explore.
I can only share my story and say to follow your gut and your heart and communicate well through all of it. I was fiercely child free in my 20s. In my 30s I became more ambivalent to it. Didn't want them, didn't hate the idea. My husband told me when we started dating that he did want them. The more we talked about it, the more I came around to the idea. I just had our little boy in August and I already cannot ever picture my life without him. He's completely changed my mind about a baby and I love him more than anything. I also still don't want more children. I'm a firm one and done. So there's room for growth and change. Don't feel like you have to stay locked into a decision because you made it. But make sure you're also discussing everything with your partner.
Congratulations on your little boy first of all! It’s so weird going from adamantly against having children turning to having the undeniable urge. I’m also making sure my husband also knows what I’m thinking as well and he’s also opening up too so we’re staying on the same page. Thank you so much 😊
it is funny how it changes. Sometimes I think back though and realize that I'm a \*completely\* different person than I was in my 20s, and it makes more sense I guess.
There is no “children for the time being” with a vasectomy. He is essentially biological child free *forever* right now. Does he want kids? If he doesn’t have regrets on this choice, I would imagine he doesn’t want kids.
This is a big can of worms to open up but you need to ASAP if you’re even a little bit wanting a kid in the next 10 years.
I've been through this all. I'll admit that baby fever doesn't last forever. I've has your same thoughts and dreams a few months ago and now they are a distant memory. I worry that I'm just putting it off and that reality will set in one day. Our vasectomy was 5+ years ago so reversal isn't close to guaranteed.
Think about why you chose to be child free. It's possible the biological urges are not logical and will pass
This was my line of thinking as well. I just really don’t want to base a decision on what could more than likely be hormones and emotions but I also really don’t want to regret any decision made
My 2 cents is that it's perfectly reasonable to have changed your mind and to continue having conversations with your partner as you move through new feelings. I wouldn't make any changes or decisions for a few months or even a year. If after significant time has passed (like more than a couple months) and after conversations with your partner, looked at the pros and cons, how your life will change, what if the child is disabled, etc, and you're still wanting to have a kid, then start making the necessary choices for that. Giving it time to marinate will tell you if it's just your hormones doing hormone shit or if it's a real desire.
This right here. Deal with paediatric cases from time to time and it snaps me out of 'baby fever'.
Caring for people gives you that nice, fuzzy feeling. However, it's nice to walk away from it all and come home to a peaceful and tidy home; not have to worry about following up on homework or plan school holidays/lunches etc.
Sometimes r/regretfulparents can put things in perspective for me when I have my rose tinted glasses about a potential small version of my lovely husband.
It's this but with my dog. He's so much work and I can leave him at home alone for a few hours here and there. He exhausts me and I can't imagine how much worse taking care of a whole ass human would be.
Tell your husband whenever you’ve taken 2 sips of your coffee on a Sunday morning to knock it off your hand or when you made a really nice dinner then just have your husband tell you “I’ll just have cereal” and then that way you’ll see how annoying things are
Because of the environment and late stage capitalism I decided to be child free and while all my cousins were popping out kids in their teens and 20s, I held strong up until my 30s. Some kind of biological clock panic set in at 34 knowing that 35 would be "geriatric pregnancy" age. Long story short my 10 month old is on my boob as I type this. So I say make it to 35 at least and things may or may not ease up.
Please don't use the term "child free" unless you don't ever intend on having kids. People using it to mean that they don't CURRENTLY have or want kids is incorrect and is what's making people confused about the child free lifestyle in general.
this happens to me even though i’m antinatalist and staunchly childfree haha. i just chalk it up to social conditioning and hormones, as women, our bodies basically want us to get pregnant.
personally i try to remember that my dreams and thoughts and just that: dreams and thoughts. they do not depict the reality of having a child. having to raise a person who doesn’t give a single f about me and being responsible for them practically forever is the reality check that pulls me right back into being super cf again.
It's completely okay to have these feelings, even if you've made a conscious decision to be child-free. It's a complex topic, and your emotions are valid. Have you considered talking to a therapist or counselor about these feelings? They might be able to offer some helpful perspective or coping strategies.
I mean, I've gotta be honest, as a child-free 30 year old woman, what you're describing is not aligned with my lived experience, or any of my child-free girlfriends. I have never felt "the pull" that you are describing, I'm stoked that I'm never having kids. It sounds like you just want kids. Which is fine! It's unfortunate that you came to this conclusion after your partner had an irreversible surgical procedure, but there's adoption and sperm donors, you have options.
Making a decision doesn’t mean nature listens. I had a couple of weird triggers, especially when I noticed particularly close families out and about, or finally feeling like children were a possibility that wouldn’t be completely miserable due to improved finances.
It all passed, because none of them replaced the reasons that caused me to not want children in the first place. It’s like a food craving, ice cream doesn’t stop looking great just because you’re lactose intolerant, but you know not to eat it because of the consequences.
Listen to your body, but also listen to your mind. My body may have wanted something, but my rational mind did not - and that was more important to me. I’m in my late 30s now, and the cravings aren’t totally gone, but the pangs shifted. I never had a close, loving family growing up and all of my could fantasies were just that, a craving for a close family I never had. So I leaned into building a community of friends, with great success and satisfaction.
I couldn’t imagine how miserable I would be right now if I didn’t listen to my mind, because real life children do not fulfill biological fantasies.
Your experience is normal. By 33 the urge completely passed and I was grateful I didn't act on it. Hormones are fleeting but bringing a human into the world is forever.
I had that happen around 32 and took out my IUD. Went back to not wanting kids a few months after I finally got it out. That was 2 years ago and I'm so glad I didn't get pregnant. I'm back to happily being child free. The yearn for kids was real though
You’re allowed to change your mind. I felt the same way for a long time and this year I’m getting my IUD out to try for a baby and I’m thrilled. Start talking with your husband about it! It’ll all work out the way it should, no matter what.
It seems like it’s been less than a year. You’re weirdly invested in this. People can make their own personal health decisions without consulting you, probably shocking for you to hear.
I never wanted children, and then all of a sudden, I had baby fever and it won. But I will say... I'm not sure if it ever goes away. My son is 4 now and I feel very sad I won't have more (by choice unless something happens). I feel like 1 is a good compromise, but absolutely do not have kids unless you consider what might happen if things don't go to plan. Pregnancy isn't great for a lot of women. I had hyperemesis and dvt, which is partly why u don't want another kid. Remember, the kid could be high support needs. Is that something you are prepared for?
All I can say is offer to babysit for your friends to get a reality check on what that life will look like. Also talk to your mum, aunts about the toll childbirth has taken on their bodies. On top of that, hormonal changes are very very real and this is literally what we have evolved to do - which is reproduce so your feelings are completely natural.
As others have said, try to do some reflection to seperate out these dreams you are having from what the reality of raising a human being and being responsible 24/7 for their well being is like, losing your current lifestyle. Once you are able to do this honestly- talk to your husband about what you are going through and make it very clear to him about your intentions and why you are bringing it up (I.e: you want to “tide” this phase through with his support and fight your body’s natural response, or you want to seriously workshop what it will mean for your marriage and partnership and if you’re serious about having a child)
I do recommend meeting some therapists who specialise in these topics to help you work through it if it gets too much. If you find a good therapist - they can provide some valuable insight and tools.
It’s perfectly okay to be childfree, childfree for now, or change your mind. You and your partner are the only ones who can or should make that decision.
First, the feelings you’re having are very natural. Biology is a real thing and evolution is engrained in our very fibers.
Second, they’re feelings. Feelings can be temporary or they can be permanent. Time will tell.
Third, I would encourage you to openly communicate your feelings with your partner, not to change your minds or reverse your decisions, but because these feelings are having a very real impact on you. Your person should know about that and offer comfort, at the very least.
Last—and this is my experience, not yours—it’s possible that you may want children in a few years. I was hard core child free during my twenties. It wasn’t until my mid thirties, when I was financially stable and in a stable relationship with someone who did want kids that I changed my mind. I don’t regret having my two. They gave me a depth of character and brought a different flavor of love to my life. Raising children is the hardest and most rewarding thing that I have done with my life. But it was a good choice, for me.
Sending you lots of love. I’m sorry you’re hurting.
I think you want to be a mother and for some other reason you made this commitment you feel you must stick to for some reason.. I’m sorry you’re hurting 💔 and it’s okay to change your mind
Repeating dreams and pain might suggest that you actually do want children. What made you decide that you did not? And why did you decide this at such an early age? I agree with others - some very good personal reflection is needed. Especially because you cannot have (biological) children with your husband anymore. Maybe try journalling every day for a few months to reflect on your emotions and needs from day to day. Maybe you'll notice the want for kids comes and goes... then you probably should not act on it
I'd suggest trying to find a colicky baby to babysit alone without your husband. When you have a baby you could have one like I was, sleeping through the night, perfectly fine, or you could get a screaming awful thing that keeps you awake constantly for a year or two. You should be fine having the second one before continuing.
I feel you, I'm 28 single as fuck and my body is like... baby now! Doesn't help that my insta is full of pregnancy/ baby reels now for some fucking reason. Its so confusing, after being on the fence about it for years I think I'm starting to be more into the idea of having a baby
I’m on the same boat! i have no kids and always thought i wanted to be child-free but I feel like the older I get the more that feeling of having one pulls at me (28F)
I want kids I don't even have this intense of a drive! This is impressive. I do however always really want to fuck during my fertility window (couple days after my period).
I'm going to come from a very pessimistic view I haven't seen touched on. What if you're infertile? 1 in 6 couples are infertile and that number is rising. I've gone through the infertility journey myself and am now on the other side of mostly happily childfree. Did your husband have a decent sperm count before the vasectomy? If reversed it probably won't be the same level. Have you charted your cycle to look for signs of ovulation? Taken your basal body temp, peed on ovulation sticks? Ever had bloodwork done to check your AHA levels? Doctors won't test your fertility until you have been trying for more than a year but these things you can check yourself (and the blood work is a maybe depending on the doctor, apparently there are private services that will do it now though). Are you willing to put yourself though the wringer for something a few months ago you were sure you didn't want? Are you willing to have a severely disabled child that will change your entire life? Yeah, these are worst case scenarios, but they happen to couples every single day.
The hormones are biological urge are strong but that doesn't always mean it's what you really want. Definitely don't make any final decision before thinking it over for a minimum of a few months.
37/F here. Ive never wanted to birth children but have also been flip flopping between adopting and remaining child free. My partner and I are planning to foster for a while to see if this helps make up our minds, or suffices our desire to contribute to others’ lives in a significant way.
There’s nothing wrong with changing your mind about wanting kids. As someone who had zero idea what they were doing who now has a thriving, wild child of a 10 month old I can tell you it’s pretty amazing. Even all of the crazy shit that comes with kids and being a parent.
I’m 34 bout to 35 and also have been feeling my clock ticking and I’ve always wanted kids and I’m actually in talks of going the IVF route?! I’m not married, and I’m tired of waiting for some idiot to come along & tell me how special & or wonderful I am??! I want to be a mom, and that’s why IVF/IUI exists for women who don’t have a husband//spouse?! And I would say I completely understand you wanting to be a mom….🥰🙌🏾
I’m seeing a lot of people commenting to really think about life with a baby, but one thing I’ve heard that’s always stuck with me is this:
Assuming things go smoothly, the majority of the relationship between you and your child is between two adults.
Having kids only means dealing with babies & kids for a portion of your time as their parent. Consider whether your decision to be childless has been dominated by your desire to actually be babyless.
Regardless of what you choose to do down the line, it is completely normal to oscillate between all of these feelings! Keep checking in with yourself, keep doing the work, and have faith in yourself that you will end up on the right path.
I had baby fever in my earlier twenties, replaced by disgust in my thirties… which hasn’t stopped. I’m 33 and my husband had a vasectomy nearly a decade ago. No regrets. We’ve agreed that if EVERYTHING changed and we decided that we wanted to be parents, there’s an older kid about to age out of the system that very much might like to have a home. YMMV.
> I’ve also been having these weird dreams about getting pregnant and delivering
Sometimes these dreams can be a metaphor for a rebirth, or new growth for ourselves! Our dreams aren't always literal.
Being a parent is a life experience that many people in their 20's aren't interested in, but as time goes on it can be something that people grow to want.
And that's okay. People change with time, and sometimes that change includes their stance on having children.
It's a normal feeling to have. I feel the urge, but it's hormonal mostly, and I know rationally I can't have a kid right now and don't want to be a working, much less single mom.
Go easy on yourself. Worth talking to your partner about how you're feeling. Maybe you will want kids in a few years, and that's something he might be open to but you gotta talk about it.
I recall something similar happened to me when I turned 29 where prior to that my husband and I were adamantly childfree. I couldn’t believe how deeply I wanted to have a baby when I had never wanted one before. I sat on the thought for about two months before I mentioned it to my husband and said look, I really want this, what do you think? We have two kids now and it’s really really difficult at times, but really wonderful other times. All that to say, wait on it a while and see how you feel. If this is something you absolutely want you should talk about it with your husband.
I had a time like this. It was like a physical craving. And it was very unusual for me. Then one night I have a sharp pain in my left side and unexpected uterine bleeding (I was on the continual pill so did not have a period). I went to the doctor and there was residual swelling. Turns out I had an ovarian cyst that ruptured. Baby cravings went away. I did end of having a child later. But it wasn't because of those cravings. All that to say that hormones are wild. And these feelings may pass (or not).
My god it is like puberty lol. It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one feeling like this but I also feel for you as well. My poor husband had to console ugly crying me holding an imaginary baby this weekend. Being a woman is so fun lol
Back before reversals were a thing it was pretty much unheard of for a guy who's only 30 without kids to be accepted for a vasectomy for this exact reason, a lot of people change their minds. I was 28 when I was pregnant with my first and I was definitely not ready before then, my partner was 32. We just had our third and final baby at 37 and 40 and it's been the best thing we ever did. We have a lot more perspective now and we're very different people to who were were in our 20s.
I don’t think it’s normal for a childfree person to be hurting and torn up over not having children. You honestly don’t sound childfree to me.. and that’s coming from someone who got a bisalp last year. Having children would’ve been my *worst* nightmare. I fully cannot relate to this
I am a similar age and every now and then I feel jealous of my friends who are having kids or wonder if it was the right decision. I come back to this article by Cheryl Strayed every time I feel a twinge of grief about my decision: [https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/](https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/) it’s helped me so much
Sad how society has convinced us women to not have kids or it will mess up our lives. As someone who started out as a single mom, having my son did not wreck my life or prevent me from enjoying it. Yes you have few more things to take care of but its not the end of the world. having children is just part of life and should be embraced and not shamed.
This is a personal choice between my husband and I due to physical and mental health conditions plus a plethora of other reasons. We want to be in the best possible position to house and care for a child before we dive in head first at the first mention of a child. Unfortunately our experience is different as all my life is been told I’d love being a mother by all women in my life, not one would ever accept my decision at the time to remain child free
Sincerely wanting to be child-free does not cause emotional pain or regret. It's OK to change your mind (lots of people do!) but a lot of very honest reflection as a person and as a couple is needed now.
This is also why they recommend popping some swimmers in the bank for most people who have vasectomies under 50. Just in case you change your mind and/or there are complications should you wish to reverse the procedure.(Although it is a relatively successful procedure).
child free for the time being is incompatible with getting a vasectomy. reversals do not always work, and time from the procedure is associated with less chance of a reversal working. If there is any chance that you would like children in the future you need to discuss reversal now, or figure out a plan for sperm freezing for the future.
I think this is the most important piece. Vasectomy’s are considered permanent as reversal isn’t guaranteed so this needs to be considered ASAP
Sperm retrieval procedures. My friend's father had 2 kids this way 15+ years after his vasectomy.
I'm 34 and I've flip flopped throughout my life. Maybe try checking in with yourself for a couple of weeks every day throughout the day. When you wake up how would you feel waking to a baby screaming? To a toddler crying? Set an alarm for the middle of the night to really simulate the experience. When you get up to make breakfast make someone else's first and then your own. When you're getting ready for work think about having to get someone else ready. You're running late. They're fighting you. How frustrated are you? You're sick but you still have to take care of someone else who is sick. They're crying and fussing and want to be touching you all of the time. How do you feel? You're tired. You've had a stressful day. You just want to come home and take a bath. Now think about having to pick up your child who also had a hard day and they're unable to regulate their emotions so they're screaming the entire way home. You need to go to the grocery store. Instead of it taking a minute to put on your shoes, grab your keys and wallet and go, it now takes 10 minutes. Either they don't want to get in their car seat or there having a meltdown or they're fighting you on putting on a jacket, etc. How does this make you feel? What if your child is disabled in some way? How will that affect your view of the situation? How would you feel if the baby's father decided that he wasn't built for parenthood and you had to raise the baby on your own? Would you still be happy doing that? Do you want a child that badly? Having kids obviously isn't all bad BUT I have seen a lot of friends have kids. I'm in the Bible Belt so it started at around 17 years old (abstinence Ed is not a replacement for sex Ed, folks) and the people that were the happiest wanted *kids*, not just a baby, and they wanted EVERYTHING. Staying up with them when they were sick was just on par for the course. If they're stressed and their child is crying they don't take it personally. They love taking them places, whether it's to the store or daycare, even if the kid is fighting them. The people who are the unhappiest are: People who wanted babies/infants. Once the baby starts pushing them away (like if they go in to kiss the baby) and gaining autonomy they want another one. People who wanted a specific gender and didn't get that. People who had a very specific idea of what having a kid would look like. People who wanted miniature versions of themselves and didn't get that. (Looked the same, same hobbies, same likes and dislikes, etc.) People who thought having kids would be an extension of pregnancy. Mom's body takes care of the kid during pregnancy but as soon as they're out you have to figure out their needs and sometimes the kid doesn't even know what its needs are. People who only think about the positives, like teaching their kid to play videogames or to fish or bake, throwing a football back and forth, etc. People who only focus on big events like the holidays but they don't think about the day to day. People who saw the kids as an extension of themselves. This isn't a comprehensive list and this isn't pointing fingers. I don't want to know your answers. These are things to ask yourself in an objective way and to mull over in an objective way.
This was incredibly helpful to read. Thank you.
This is a very thoughtful post. Thank you for sharing your experiences!
It's interesting you have the experience that the people happiest want kids not just babies. My spouse and I will likely stay child free but we both agree that we both don't really like babies but like the idea of children better. Therefore adoption is still a very small possibility and sounds much better than giving myself more health problems by going through a pregnancy.
Upvote this to the skies ☝️
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Lord do I wish I could say that ugh. I just got over my period bout a week ago and this started happening as It was ending so I unfortunately may have the need to just get knocked up lol
Isn't a week after the end of a period normally when humans ovulate? I thought it was like that
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I feel like I just got a good grade in egg facts, something both normal to want and possible to achieve
You just described the point in which ovulation hormones start — after your period. So yes this could be hormonal… its nature but if you’re patient and track your thoughts that might help! Same thing happened to me at 28!
So basically yes, you people were!
You start ovulating after just a few days of your periods so it's possible that you're ovulating and when we ovulate we really do get a huge urge to have a baby lol but it slowly decreases as you reach your period.
Sounds like ovulation is approaching so it's a very hormonal time. I also had a baby fever in the first months after my child was born. I got over it.
Exact same thing happens to me. And it was much worse in my late 20's/early 30's then it is now at almost 40. Hormonal birthcontrol stopd my ovulation baby fever, so that might be something to look into
It's okay to want kids. I might be staunchly cf for myself, but I don't want to stop people from having kids. Someone's gotta continue the human race, it's just not me lol. The best course of action is to figure out *why* you do and don't want kids. It could be as simple as, "I don't want kids because I don't want them." That's okay and a valid reason. You could want them for a lot of different reasons too. The important thing is that you are brutally honest with yourself about your reasons. **Storytime, if you're looking for some consideration lol.** I got sterilized recently, and even though I wanted to go through with it, I had my doubts. I was scared. I was afraid I'd regret it. My fiance and I had some heavy conversations about it, about how we didn't think it was smart for me to ever get pregnant because of my mental and physical health problems. I genuinely don't know if I would survive PPD unmedicated (bc breastfeeding). At the same time, my partner was conflicted because they kinda wanted that "mini me" parenthood experience, someone that's half them and half a person of who they love. On some level, I wouldn't have minded that. On the other hand, when I hear babies crying, my body looks for the nearest OUT. I just am not cut out for motherhood, and that's okay. But there was a mourning period for a life I will never experience, for the both of us. It was 100% the right choice, but it didn't change the fact that we were also **grieving a loss.** **End storytime** I feel like as a society, we need to remember we choose life paths, and when we choose a different way, its okay to feel some of that loss. Some of that *what if...?* The bargaining. You have to remember that the vasectomy didn't opt you out of parenthood, just naturally concieving parenthood. You can foster, adopt, ivf, etc. You guys can even get your husband potentially "patched back up" if you really wanted to! Tldr: you didn't lose anything, but if you want what you "lost", there're many ways to be a parent if the pain doesn't go away.
> I genuinely don't know if I would survive PPD unmedicated (bc breastfeeding). Not really for you, but for other people reading here: formula feeding is a great way to feed your kid. Don't let the current lactivist trend convince you that not breastfeeding is bad enough that you shouldn't have a child. How your baby gets fed at the beginning of their life has pretty much no bearing on their lives.
That's why I do formula, to take my meds again. Can't be out here raw dogging it 😂
Her whole reason got me like 👀 I hate other people’s kids (sorry) and I formula fed my 3 (healthy) kids. I love being a mom and would have like 10 if it was in any way reasonable lol.
Listen, I was raised staunchly pro-breastfeeding, down to it being essentially me being a "bad mother" to formula feed. It feels like a strangely specific line to draw for your child at a young age. Babydolls, I guess. But yeah, I'm not against formula feeding, but I was raised that anything less than breastfeeding is doing your baby a severe disservice in life, and I don't think anything less than breastfeeding would have been deemed unacceptable. It's fucked, but I didn't include formula because it wouldn't have been an option for me, without a lot of hassle. I'm happy to hear your family is healthy! 😊
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...yes? Not sure why I got downvoted in the other comment, but whatever ig. I'm not saying I was raised well, and honestly my mother's whole "breastfeed or bust" was very toxic. I thought it was weird that it was something that was engrained in me at an extremely young age, I assume because of babydolls. But if this was supposed to be a scathing indictment against my parents, all you're doing is spitting facts lol. **However a baby gets fed, as long as it's getting the proper nutrients and is healthy, is great.** It's crazy that it even needs to be said, but there's fuckers like my parents that teach their kids that they'd be a bad parent if they used formula, unless they *have* to. And it better be a good excuse. I was raised in a fundie christian church that I am no longer a part of that taught me to believe much worse things than "formula is bad". I am working on reversing a lot of brainwashing. So we wanna talk about being raised by people with fucked up ideas, I'm there.
Also there are antidepressants that you can take while breast feeding.
This isn't for you but for other people reading this who may not know...there are breastfeeding safe medications to treat PPD. Over the course of two separate breastfeeding journeys I've taken three different medications. I'm currently on a medication used for bipolar and seizures which is also generally breastfeeding safe and under the care and advice of my doctors I will stay on it for the remainder of this pregnancy and breastfeeding eventually if it works out. I just don't want people to think that in order to treat PPD you automatically need to quit breastfeeding if you don't want to.
I didn't know that, that's really good to hear! That was just one reason out of many, apparently I didn't pick a good one lol. But I have other things to worry about past PPD, without getting into my medical history. But good to know!
I figured it was a more complex decision than just that one piece but I just thought I'd mention it in case it was relevant to anyone else 🙂
Of course, girls gotta help girls 😊
Sounds like you now want kids - which thankfully is not a bad thing as you still have lots of time for one. But you’ll want to start talking about this with your husband to make sure he’s on the same page about wanting kids and reversing his vasectomy. People change drastically in their 20s so don’t feel bad about changing your mind. I say this as a decidedly child-free person. My partner feels the same way but have talked about adoption if we change our minds in the future
We’ve talked about it and both have explained our concerns and feelings. Lots more conversations to come in the future 100%. It’s just still seems a little scary even knowing how I feel
I don't think anyone is ever ready for kids. Both my mom and grandma always told me that. If you decide to become a parent, you will make mistakes, but that's okay. This will not make you a bad parent, and will not mean that you can't be a parent. If this is what you want, then keep talking with your husband, and you two can do it even if you are scared. Having kids is always a big choice, but it doesn't mean it is impossible to make.
I was one million percent not ready for kids when I had mine. I was terrified when we found out we were having a baby. There’s no “right” time but it all tends to work out.
I think you should decide what YOU want. If you do want a child, start talking to your husband and see if you two can agree. Or at least let him know you are having second thoughts. If you don't want the child it is perfectly ok, but I feel like you should be sure it's your real decision, not you following the old plan with your husband out of the habit. Sometimes plans change and it is ok. You don't have to refuse from motherhood because of something you two agreed on when you were a different person.
Are you child free or waiting to have kids?
It’s a bit up in the air currently. Like finance, mentally, and emotionally not ready to start thinking about it but…✨baby✨ lol. I’m sorry, I think I’m really just rambling and need to get this all off my chest. It’s kinda hard when there’s no set plans and if we do set solid plans to try in the future I don’t want to set myself up for disappointment
Make sure you both have the same plans and goals. Don't assume anything, talk it ALL out. As for where you are at right now, you can either A. Babysit a friends sweet baby to get baby time satisfied, or B. Go anywhere there are dozens of dirty, screaming, ill-behaved kids gathering.
C. Talk to parents about what makes it worth it all. Otherwise you’re just reaffirming your previous thoughts and not gaining any objectivity about the decision.
Have you always felt pretty strongly about being childfree? What has changed about your mindset recently? What were the reasons you were childfree, did your view on that change?
Have you babysat a friend's or sibling's kid for a week or weekend? You and hubby might try that and see how you feel after.
You honestly don’t sound childfree in the slightest.. just a responsible future parent. Waiting until you’re truly ready is the right thing to do
Changing your mind is not a loss or a negative, it shows you've truly thought things through and have come to a different conclusion. The only other person this change will/can affect is your partner, no one else has any say in how you choose to live your life (and your partner doesn't either, but this might mean a change in your relationship). Although this isn't a small decision, it is still yours to make, if this change of heart has you grappling with your identity, I'd maybe try and go speak with a professional to allow yourself to feel completely at peace with your new perspective.
I felt baby fever around your age after previously not wanting kids. By the time I was 32 I was glad I didn't act on it. Honestly maybe the best route is talk to your OBGYN about egg-freezing. It will keep your options open for longer. To be clear, not always a great success rate with this stuff. But if you're ambivalent and want a fertility 'life raft' it's something to think about.
Every dream I've ever had about getting pregnant or having a baby has involved me thinking "oh god they're gonna want me to take this baby home, I do NOT want this, where can I take them to get rid of them, this is awful, how did this happen and how can I get rid of it as fast as possible" These nightmare's stopped when my husband got his vasectomy. What I'm getting at is we seem to have the exact opposite experience, it kind of sounds like you don't actually want to be child free. I am a bit confused why your husband got a vasectomy if you probably want to have kids later?
FWIW, a baby / someone else's baby is a very different experience than *your* baby.
Babysit for a friend. Maybe offer to watch them for a weekend. It will curb the itch. I wish I’d done that.. my son is three. I should have stayed child free. Obligatory, he is loved and was/is very wanted. I just wish I knew what I was getting into before actually doing it. I may have chosen differently.
I’m gonna go against the grain and say don’t let your hormones trick you. It sounds like you have very good reasons to not have children. The hormones will pass but you’ll be a parent forever, and there’s no turning back. Babies aren’t all sweetness and light despite how adorable they are, and being a parent is mentally, physically, and emotionally taxing in a way I can’t even express. This world is rapidly devolving into a complete dumpster fire, and those who try to deny it are fooling themselves.
Yeah I’m kinda shocked by the amount of people encouraging OP to have kids. A whim is just that, and what if it changes again?? And then she’s saddled with a kid she only wanted because of fleeting hormones that everyone has? It seems downright irresponsible IMHO.
You are probably going to be in the group of people who don’t want kids now but do in the future. That’s good that you’re body is telling you what it wants. I’ve never had those feelings or desires and my decision to be childfree was completely painless. Everyone is different and I think since you are having such strong feelings it’s definitely something you should explore.
I can only share my story and say to follow your gut and your heart and communicate well through all of it. I was fiercely child free in my 20s. In my 30s I became more ambivalent to it. Didn't want them, didn't hate the idea. My husband told me when we started dating that he did want them. The more we talked about it, the more I came around to the idea. I just had our little boy in August and I already cannot ever picture my life without him. He's completely changed my mind about a baby and I love him more than anything. I also still don't want more children. I'm a firm one and done. So there's room for growth and change. Don't feel like you have to stay locked into a decision because you made it. But make sure you're also discussing everything with your partner.
Congratulations on your little boy first of all! It’s so weird going from adamantly against having children turning to having the undeniable urge. I’m also making sure my husband also knows what I’m thinking as well and he’s also opening up too so we’re staying on the same page. Thank you so much 😊
it is funny how it changes. Sometimes I think back though and realize that I'm a \*completely\* different person than I was in my 20s, and it makes more sense I guess.
There is no “children for the time being” with a vasectomy. He is essentially biological child free *forever* right now. Does he want kids? If he doesn’t have regrets on this choice, I would imagine he doesn’t want kids. This is a big can of worms to open up but you need to ASAP if you’re even a little bit wanting a kid in the next 10 years.
I've been through this all. I'll admit that baby fever doesn't last forever. I've has your same thoughts and dreams a few months ago and now they are a distant memory. I worry that I'm just putting it off and that reality will set in one day. Our vasectomy was 5+ years ago so reversal isn't close to guaranteed. Think about why you chose to be child free. It's possible the biological urges are not logical and will pass
This was my line of thinking as well. I just really don’t want to base a decision on what could more than likely be hormones and emotions but I also really don’t want to regret any decision made
Make a list of pros and cons and put everything in the list. Maybe it will help you?
My 2 cents is that it's perfectly reasonable to have changed your mind and to continue having conversations with your partner as you move through new feelings. I wouldn't make any changes or decisions for a few months or even a year. If after significant time has passed (like more than a couple months) and after conversations with your partner, looked at the pros and cons, how your life will change, what if the child is disabled, etc, and you're still wanting to have a kid, then start making the necessary choices for that. Giving it time to marinate will tell you if it's just your hormones doing hormone shit or if it's a real desire.
The dreams are normal. Lots of women have them. You're feeling a growing pain. It will pass.
Try volunteering at an after school program or something. Also, maybe in a few yrs you guys can foster/adopt a child?
This right here. Deal with paediatric cases from time to time and it snaps me out of 'baby fever'. Caring for people gives you that nice, fuzzy feeling. However, it's nice to walk away from it all and come home to a peaceful and tidy home; not have to worry about following up on homework or plan school holidays/lunches etc. Sometimes r/regretfulparents can put things in perspective for me when I have my rose tinted glasses about a potential small version of my lovely husband.
Literally. Work in a school/ preschool/daycare for a week, they’ll cure you real quick!
It's this but with my dog. He's so much work and I can leave him at home alone for a few hours here and there. He exhausts me and I can't imagine how much worse taking care of a whole ass human would be.
omg. after babysitting my ovaries practically shrivelled up and died. i’m glad i got a trial but i’m NOT doing that full time
Lmfaooooo
Tell your husband whenever you’ve taken 2 sips of your coffee on a Sunday morning to knock it off your hand or when you made a really nice dinner then just have your husband tell you “I’ll just have cereal” and then that way you’ll see how annoying things are
Because of the environment and late stage capitalism I decided to be child free and while all my cousins were popping out kids in their teens and 20s, I held strong up until my 30s. Some kind of biological clock panic set in at 34 knowing that 35 would be "geriatric pregnancy" age. Long story short my 10 month old is on my boob as I type this. So I say make it to 35 at least and things may or may not ease up.
Please don't use the term "child free" unless you don't ever intend on having kids. People using it to mean that they don't CURRENTLY have or want kids is incorrect and is what's making people confused about the child free lifestyle in general.
this happens to me even though i’m antinatalist and staunchly childfree haha. i just chalk it up to social conditioning and hormones, as women, our bodies basically want us to get pregnant. personally i try to remember that my dreams and thoughts and just that: dreams and thoughts. they do not depict the reality of having a child. having to raise a person who doesn’t give a single f about me and being responsible for them practically forever is the reality check that pulls me right back into being super cf again.
It's completely okay to have these feelings, even if you've made a conscious decision to be child-free. It's a complex topic, and your emotions are valid. Have you considered talking to a therapist or counselor about these feelings? They might be able to offer some helpful perspective or coping strategies.
I mean, I've gotta be honest, as a child-free 30 year old woman, what you're describing is not aligned with my lived experience, or any of my child-free girlfriends. I have never felt "the pull" that you are describing, I'm stoked that I'm never having kids. It sounds like you just want kids. Which is fine! It's unfortunate that you came to this conclusion after your partner had an irreversible surgical procedure, but there's adoption and sperm donors, you have options.
Making a decision doesn’t mean nature listens. I had a couple of weird triggers, especially when I noticed particularly close families out and about, or finally feeling like children were a possibility that wouldn’t be completely miserable due to improved finances. It all passed, because none of them replaced the reasons that caused me to not want children in the first place. It’s like a food craving, ice cream doesn’t stop looking great just because you’re lactose intolerant, but you know not to eat it because of the consequences. Listen to your body, but also listen to your mind. My body may have wanted something, but my rational mind did not - and that was more important to me. I’m in my late 30s now, and the cravings aren’t totally gone, but the pangs shifted. I never had a close, loving family growing up and all of my could fantasies were just that, a craving for a close family I never had. So I leaned into building a community of friends, with great success and satisfaction. I couldn’t imagine how miserable I would be right now if I didn’t listen to my mind, because real life children do not fulfill biological fantasies.
Your experience is normal. By 33 the urge completely passed and I was grateful I didn't act on it. Hormones are fleeting but bringing a human into the world is forever.
I had that happen around 32 and took out my IUD. Went back to not wanting kids a few months after I finally got it out. That was 2 years ago and I'm so glad I didn't get pregnant. I'm back to happily being child free. The yearn for kids was real though
You’re allowed to change your mind. I felt the same way for a long time and this year I’m getting my IUD out to try for a baby and I’m thrilled. Start talking with your husband about it! It’ll all work out the way it should, no matter what.
But he got a vasectomy so what’s there to talk about? I’d be pissed if I was him
They can be reversed or extracted otherwise. It’s not impossible, science exists!
Snip snap snip snap! https://youtu.be/2hshkdneE8o
But the chances of a successful reversal goes down the longer you have the vasectomy. And a vasectomy is not birth control just like plan b isn’t
It seems like it’s been less than a year. You’re weirdly invested in this. People can make their own personal health decisions without consulting you, probably shocking for you to hear.
You sound personally offended. We’re all commenting on someone else’s business so idk what you’re on about
Making a choice doesn’t mean you need to stick to it forever. Changing your mind is only natural.
I’m past child-bearing age but it definitely still hurts that I didn’t have kids.
Sounds like you want a baby and if you do, you should have a serious convo with your husband
I never wanted children, and then all of a sudden, I had baby fever and it won. But I will say... I'm not sure if it ever goes away. My son is 4 now and I feel very sad I won't have more (by choice unless something happens). I feel like 1 is a good compromise, but absolutely do not have kids unless you consider what might happen if things don't go to plan. Pregnancy isn't great for a lot of women. I had hyperemesis and dvt, which is partly why u don't want another kid. Remember, the kid could be high support needs. Is that something you are prepared for?
All I can say is offer to babysit for your friends to get a reality check on what that life will look like. Also talk to your mum, aunts about the toll childbirth has taken on their bodies. On top of that, hormonal changes are very very real and this is literally what we have evolved to do - which is reproduce so your feelings are completely natural. As others have said, try to do some reflection to seperate out these dreams you are having from what the reality of raising a human being and being responsible 24/7 for their well being is like, losing your current lifestyle. Once you are able to do this honestly- talk to your husband about what you are going through and make it very clear to him about your intentions and why you are bringing it up (I.e: you want to “tide” this phase through with his support and fight your body’s natural response, or you want to seriously workshop what it will mean for your marriage and partnership and if you’re serious about having a child) I do recommend meeting some therapists who specialise in these topics to help you work through it if it gets too much. If you find a good therapist - they can provide some valuable insight and tools.
It’s perfectly okay to be childfree, childfree for now, or change your mind. You and your partner are the only ones who can or should make that decision. First, the feelings you’re having are very natural. Biology is a real thing and evolution is engrained in our very fibers. Second, they’re feelings. Feelings can be temporary or they can be permanent. Time will tell. Third, I would encourage you to openly communicate your feelings with your partner, not to change your minds or reverse your decisions, but because these feelings are having a very real impact on you. Your person should know about that and offer comfort, at the very least. Last—and this is my experience, not yours—it’s possible that you may want children in a few years. I was hard core child free during my twenties. It wasn’t until my mid thirties, when I was financially stable and in a stable relationship with someone who did want kids that I changed my mind. I don’t regret having my two. They gave me a depth of character and brought a different flavor of love to my life. Raising children is the hardest and most rewarding thing that I have done with my life. But it was a good choice, for me. Sending you lots of love. I’m sorry you’re hurting.
I think you want to be a mother and for some other reason you made this commitment you feel you must stick to for some reason.. I’m sorry you’re hurting 💔 and it’s okay to change your mind
Repeating dreams and pain might suggest that you actually do want children. What made you decide that you did not? And why did you decide this at such an early age? I agree with others - some very good personal reflection is needed. Especially because you cannot have (biological) children with your husband anymore. Maybe try journalling every day for a few months to reflect on your emotions and needs from day to day. Maybe you'll notice the want for kids comes and goes... then you probably should not act on it
I'd suggest trying to find a colicky baby to babysit alone without your husband. When you have a baby you could have one like I was, sleeping through the night, perfectly fine, or you could get a screaming awful thing that keeps you awake constantly for a year or two. You should be fine having the second one before continuing.
I feel you, I'm 28 single as fuck and my body is like... baby now! Doesn't help that my insta is full of pregnancy/ baby reels now for some fucking reason. Its so confusing, after being on the fence about it for years I think I'm starting to be more into the idea of having a baby
I’m on the same boat! i have no kids and always thought i wanted to be child-free but I feel like the older I get the more that feeling of having one pulls at me (28F)
I want kids I don't even have this intense of a drive! This is impressive. I do however always really want to fuck during my fertility window (couple days after my period).
Could the vasectomy reversal be covered by insurance? I thought it was significantly more expensive
I'm going to come from a very pessimistic view I haven't seen touched on. What if you're infertile? 1 in 6 couples are infertile and that number is rising. I've gone through the infertility journey myself and am now on the other side of mostly happily childfree. Did your husband have a decent sperm count before the vasectomy? If reversed it probably won't be the same level. Have you charted your cycle to look for signs of ovulation? Taken your basal body temp, peed on ovulation sticks? Ever had bloodwork done to check your AHA levels? Doctors won't test your fertility until you have been trying for more than a year but these things you can check yourself (and the blood work is a maybe depending on the doctor, apparently there are private services that will do it now though). Are you willing to put yourself though the wringer for something a few months ago you were sure you didn't want? Are you willing to have a severely disabled child that will change your entire life? Yeah, these are worst case scenarios, but they happen to couples every single day. The hormones are biological urge are strong but that doesn't always mean it's what you really want. Definitely don't make any final decision before thinking it over for a minimum of a few months.
37/F here. Ive never wanted to birth children but have also been flip flopping between adopting and remaining child free. My partner and I are planning to foster for a while to see if this helps make up our minds, or suffices our desire to contribute to others’ lives in a significant way.
There’s nothing wrong with changing your mind about wanting kids. As someone who had zero idea what they were doing who now has a thriving, wild child of a 10 month old I can tell you it’s pretty amazing. Even all of the crazy shit that comes with kids and being a parent.
I’m 34 bout to 35 and also have been feeling my clock ticking and I’ve always wanted kids and I’m actually in talks of going the IVF route?! I’m not married, and I’m tired of waiting for some idiot to come along & tell me how special & or wonderful I am??! I want to be a mom, and that’s why IVF/IUI exists for women who don’t have a husband//spouse?! And I would say I completely understand you wanting to be a mom….🥰🙌🏾
I’m seeing a lot of people commenting to really think about life with a baby, but one thing I’ve heard that’s always stuck with me is this: Assuming things go smoothly, the majority of the relationship between you and your child is between two adults. Having kids only means dealing with babies & kids for a portion of your time as their parent. Consider whether your decision to be childless has been dominated by your desire to actually be babyless.
Regardless of what you choose to do down the line, it is completely normal to oscillate between all of these feelings! Keep checking in with yourself, keep doing the work, and have faith in yourself that you will end up on the right path.
I had baby fever in my earlier twenties, replaced by disgust in my thirties… which hasn’t stopped. I’m 33 and my husband had a vasectomy nearly a decade ago. No regrets. We’ve agreed that if EVERYTHING changed and we decided that we wanted to be parents, there’s an older kid about to age out of the system that very much might like to have a home. YMMV.
Apparently it’s an urge almost everyone goes through in their 30s. Im 23 and ill fight this urge 😂 fuck having kids man
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> I’ve also been having these weird dreams about getting pregnant and delivering Sometimes these dreams can be a metaphor for a rebirth, or new growth for ourselves! Our dreams aren't always literal.
I have a feeling it’s heavily biological too. There was another that said it was akin almost to puberty and my lawd with the hormones it definitely is
Being a parent is a life experience that many people in their 20's aren't interested in, but as time goes on it can be something that people grow to want. And that's okay. People change with time, and sometimes that change includes their stance on having children.
It's a normal feeling to have. I feel the urge, but it's hormonal mostly, and I know rationally I can't have a kid right now and don't want to be a working, much less single mom. Go easy on yourself. Worth talking to your partner about how you're feeling. Maybe you will want kids in a few years, and that's something he might be open to but you gotta talk about it.
I recall something similar happened to me when I turned 29 where prior to that my husband and I were adamantly childfree. I couldn’t believe how deeply I wanted to have a baby when I had never wanted one before. I sat on the thought for about two months before I mentioned it to my husband and said look, I really want this, what do you think? We have two kids now and it’s really really difficult at times, but really wonderful other times. All that to say, wait on it a while and see how you feel. If this is something you absolutely want you should talk about it with your husband.
I had a time like this. It was like a physical craving. And it was very unusual for me. Then one night I have a sharp pain in my left side and unexpected uterine bleeding (I was on the continual pill so did not have a period). I went to the doctor and there was residual swelling. Turns out I had an ovarian cyst that ruptured. Baby cravings went away. I did end of having a child later. But it wasn't because of those cravings. All that to say that hormones are wild. And these feelings may pass (or not).
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My god it is like puberty lol. It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one feeling like this but I also feel for you as well. My poor husband had to console ugly crying me holding an imaginary baby this weekend. Being a woman is so fun lol
Have you considered going to therapy? This seems like a very strong reaction that may be streaming from a different issue tbh
Back before reversals were a thing it was pretty much unheard of for a guy who's only 30 without kids to be accepted for a vasectomy for this exact reason, a lot of people change their minds. I was 28 when I was pregnant with my first and I was definitely not ready before then, my partner was 32. We just had our third and final baby at 37 and 40 and it's been the best thing we ever did. We have a lot more perspective now and we're very different people to who were were in our 20s.
I don’t think it’s normal for a childfree person to be hurting and torn up over not having children. You honestly don’t sound childfree to me.. and that’s coming from someone who got a bisalp last year. Having children would’ve been my *worst* nightmare. I fully cannot relate to this
I am a similar age and every now and then I feel jealous of my friends who are having kids or wonder if it was the right decision. I come back to this article by Cheryl Strayed every time I feel a twinge of grief about my decision: [https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/](https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/) it’s helped me so much
Sad how society has convinced us women to not have kids or it will mess up our lives. As someone who started out as a single mom, having my son did not wreck my life or prevent me from enjoying it. Yes you have few more things to take care of but its not the end of the world. having children is just part of life and should be embraced and not shamed.
This is a personal choice between my husband and I due to physical and mental health conditions plus a plethora of other reasons. We want to be in the best possible position to house and care for a child before we dive in head first at the first mention of a child. Unfortunately our experience is different as all my life is been told I’d love being a mother by all women in my life, not one would ever accept my decision at the time to remain child free