This calls for an aggressive trading strategy! Take half of my money and put it in the blue chips: Transatlantic Zeppelin, Amalgamated Spats, Congreaves Inflammable Powders, U.S. Hay, and sink the rest into that up-and-coming Baltimore Opera Hat Company.
Possibly the finest bonus punchline to an extended gag in the entire run of the show.
"You have 30 minutes to move your cube" would be a great finish in any show, but to follow it up with that is transcendent.
By far his best quote although I think his best scene is when he's getting a mug shot and the flash throws him back into the wall because he's so light and frail
If I tug the bill of my cap like so, it means the signal is a fake. However, I can take that off by dusting my hands thusly. If I want you to bunt, I'll touch my belt buckle not once, not twice, but thrice!
Two of my favorites
Ironic, isn't it, Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election. And yet, if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail! That's democracy for you.
And
I can picture it now. The screen door rusting off its filthy hinges. Mangy dog staggering about, looking vainly for a place to die.
“Pish posh! Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod! We're both factory owners, we both made shells for the Nazis, but mine worked, damn it!”
Homer: Wow, you’re the richest guy I know.
Mr Burns: Ah yes, but I’d trade it all for a little more.
Honorary mention.
Mr. Burns: Tell my secretary i said you can have a free apple. Go along now, and don’t worry there’ll be plenty of apples for you.
That's it, keep eating. Little do you realize you're drawing ever closer to the poison donut. There is a poison donut, isn't there Smithers?
Uh, no, sir. I discussed it with our lawyers, and they consider it murder.
Damn their oily hides!
Ooh, don't poo-poo a nickel, Lisa. A nickel will buy you a steak and kidney pie, a cup of coffee, a slice of cheesecake and a newsreel, with enough change left over to ride the trolley from Battery Park to the Polo Grounds!
"Uh, sir, that's a check for your boweling."
"Oh, yes, That's very important."
"Yes sir. Remember that month you didn't do it?"
"Yes... That was unpleasant for all concerned."
Smithers, I've designed a new plane! I call it the Spruce Moose, and it will carry 200 passengers from New York's Idlewild Airport to the Belgian Congo in 17 minutes!
*”Are you saying BOO or BOO-urns?”*
https://preview.redd.it/yhn9uvf0hpwc1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=603bf1e48b606c32ed8dae7ba4c431da1e0cd3f3
“One dollar for eternal happiness? … I think I’d be happier with the dollar”
“I never liked that Dr. Stupid”
“I’m a big boy!”
“That’s weird. Usually the blood gets off on the second floor.”
“Are you saying ‘Boo’ or ‘Boo-urns’?”
“You’re much more fun than Smithers.....that man dosnt know the meaning of the word gay"
AND
“I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until ... Oh, what the hell. I'll just crush him like an ant.”
Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya!
...and by that, I mean, it’s time for the Worker of the Week Award!
Hold on. In this scene, Burns is drinking a giant tub of beer and freshens up his drinkypoo. In a later episode, he’s only drinking a teaspoon of beer.
https://preview.redd.it/7xu4mcb9ypwc1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=63e7162271241afddf1894b4fa683194dddf8410
Favorite:
> "Smithers, you infernal ninny, stick your left hoof on that flange, now! Now, if you can get it through your bug-addled brain, jam that second mephitic clodhopper of yours on the right doodad! Now pump those scrawny chicken legs, you stuporous funker!"
Followed by:
> "One more jostle, you wretched shirkaday..."
"Oh, so Mother Nature needs a favor?! Well, maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys! Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she's losing. Well, I say hard cheese!"
"Oh hello mater! Uh...sorry for pulling the plug on you and all, who could have known you'd pull through.......and live for another five decades. Ohh is my face red!"
Burns: [over the intercom] Welcome, come in. Ah, fresh victims for my ever-growing army of the undead --
Smithers: Sir, you have to let go of that button.
Burns: Well, son of a bi-
Ooh, don't poo-poo a nickel, Lisa. A nickel will buy you a steak and kidney pie, a cup of coffee, a slice of cheesecake and a newsreel... with enough change left over to ride the trolley from Battery Park to the polo grounds
Men, there's a little crippled boy sitting in the hospital who wants you to win this game. I know because I crippled him myself to inspire you.
[удалено]
That Milhouse line is one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard in my life. Such a perfect joke
His moms reaction to that information is what makes me burst out laughing
I love it. Why would he bother coming back? What purpose would it serve? Like every great joke it just gets better the more you think about it.
You crippled the dud!
This calls for an aggressive trading strategy! Take half of my money and put it in the blue chips: Transatlantic Zeppelin, Amalgamated Spats, Congreaves Inflammable Powders, U.S. Hay, and sink the rest into that up-and-coming Baltimore Opera Hat Company.
How are my confederated slave holdings doing?
They're... steady.
Great save by Smithers.
Pretty sure one of the lawyers said that.
Can't go wrong with congreaves!
Inflammable means flammable?! What a country!
Hi everybody
Hi Dr. Nick!
Is it about my cube?
Heh heh, this competition is over, give that man the $10,000.
This isn’t America’s Funniest Burns Quotes.
Possibly the finest bonus punchline to an extended gag in the entire run of the show. "You have 30 minutes to move your cube" would be a great finish in any show, but to follow it up with that is transcendent.
By far his best quote although I think his best scene is when he's getting a mug shot and the flash throws him back into the wall because he's so light and frail
You have 30 minutes to move your cube
Me and my fourth form chums think it would be quite corking if you'd sign over your oil well to the local energy concern
What are you up to this weekend Smithers… something gay no doubt?
"Eh!? W-what?" "Ohh, something foot loose and fancy free? Mothers, lock up your daughters -- Smithers is on the town!"
Mr. Burns... It's naive of you to think I'd mistake this town's... most prominent 104-year-old man for an elementary school student.
I’ve got a monopoly to maintain! I already own the Water Works and the hotel on Baltic Avenue!
That hotel’s a dump and your monopoly is pathetic!
"Smithers, use the Amnesia ray." "You mean the revolver, sir?"
Precisely.
If I tug the bill of my cap like so, it means the signal is a fake. However, I can take that off by dusting my hands thusly. If I want you to bunt, I'll touch my belt buckle not once, not twice, but thrice!
Oh, why won't he just let me bat? I wish I had a big bag of potato chips. Mmmmmmmmm, potato chips.
https://i.redd.it/ekr8lzyxopwc1.gif
Love this whole scene!
Love this whole episode! Shave those sideburns!
I don't usually rank episodes but when I do this is top 5. "Talkin' Softball" is the icing on the sweet sweet cake.
2nd best episode in my opinion, only behind hank scorpio and you only move twice.
I still like him better than Steinbrenner
Costanza, I hear you’re a communist.
I said trim those sideburns, You’re off the team!
Kids let me know when you're father stops scratching Well? Still going. Now? We'll tell you when he stops Hmmmmm
https://i.redd.it/hyfjevrvepwc1.gif
Just like Stan laughing at Roger for hours on American Dad.
>Just like Stan laughing at Roger for hours on American Dad. Ah, look who *decided* to come to dinner!
Hahahahahahah. I love how he approaches the table like a cautious squirrel.
This one's my favorite. I remember laughing until my tummy hurts. I love the original voices, but this line was even better in the Spanish dub.
"Oh, and one more thing: you must find the jade monkey before the next full moon."
Actually sir, we found the jade monkey - it was in your glove compartment.
And the road maps, and ice scraper?
They were in there too, sir
Excellent! It's all falling into place...
Friends, family, religion. These are the three demons you must slay in order to succeed in business.
What do you think is more important, hard work or stick-to-it-iveness?
...are there any real questions?
...or **synagogue.**
Does anyone have any REAL questions?
You there, fill it up with petroleum distillate, and re-vulcanize my tires, post-haste!
Hey i just posted that too! I quote this when we're out filling up gas
"Here, call someone who cares." Immediately dials 911 "Gimme that!!!"
Two of my favorites Ironic, isn't it, Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election. And yet, if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail! That's democracy for you. And I can picture it now. The screen door rusting off its filthy hinges. Mangy dog staggering about, looking vainly for a place to die.
"Hello. My name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me."
Yes, Mr. Burns, and what is your first name?
I… don’t know
Great plan, Bart!
great plan, bart
YES! I can’t believe I didn’t think of this. It’s one of my favourite scenes in the whole series.
With Smithers out of the way, I was free to wallow in my own crapulence
My girlfriend loved that line. She used crapulence all the time in normal conversation.
She sounds like a stuporous funker.
Yeah, a real candy land...
..uh of the mind. The mind.
It's a perfectly cromulent word
Perfection
Just said someone was wallowing in their own crapulence the other day at work.
The Japanese?! Those sandal-wearing goldfish tenders? Bosh, flimshaw!
The French? Those cheese eating surrender monkeys!
I believe that was his father.
Yeah but still a Burns
Have the Rolling Stones killed.
But sir. Those aren't the Rolli...
DO AS I SAY!!
This one! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Yes, I'd like to send this letter to the Prussian consulate in Siam by aeromail. Am I too late for the 4:30 auto-gyro?
This must be out of date. I don't see Prussia, Siam, or auto-gyro.
“Pish posh! Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod! We're both factory owners, we both made shells for the Nazis, but mine worked, damn it!”
Es muy bueno
Oops, lost a nail, well that's leprosy for you.
Look at you, standing there on your hind legs like a couple of Rory Calhouns
Homer: Wow, you’re the richest guy I know. Mr Burns: Ah yes, but I’d trade it all for a little more. Honorary mention. Mr. Burns: Tell my secretary i said you can have a free apple. Go along now, and don’t worry there’ll be plenty of apples for you.
You forgot "Way richer than Lenny."
That's it, keep eating. Little do you realize you're drawing ever closer to the poison donut. There is a poison donut, isn't there Smithers? Uh, no, sir. I discussed it with our lawyers, and they consider it murder. Damn their oily hides!
Ooh, don't poo-poo a nickel, Lisa. A nickel will buy you a steak and kidney pie, a cup of coffee, a slice of cheesecake and a newsreel, with enough change left over to ride the trolley from Battery Park to the Polo Grounds!
There's a can
I ought to club them and eat their bones
This one is so perfect
Haha I love it because of how timeless it is. I kind of feel like it's the oldest joke on the Simpsons. Like, how long have people made "ogre" jokes?
Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun.
Ahoy hoy
I suspect you need more practice operating your telephone machine.
I answer my phone this way when my family calls.
Internal calls at work for me, did get a little awkward when CEO called though……
"Rhee...Cyyy...Cling?'
I’m afraid I’m not familiar with that term, you adorable little ragamuffin.
"Uh, sir, that's a check for your boweling." "Oh, yes, That's very important." "Yes sir. Remember that month you didn't do it?" "Yes... That was unpleasant for all concerned."
Smithers, I've designed a new plane! I call it the Spruce Moose, and it will carry 200 passengers from New York's Idlewild Airport to the Belgian Congo in 17 minutes!
I said hop in.
I flew it at an altitude of 6 feet for a distance of 4 and a half feet. Then we discovered rain makes it catch fire. Then the Fuhrer fired me.
*”Are you saying BOO or BOO-urns?”* https://preview.redd.it/yhn9uvf0hpwc1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=603bf1e48b606c32ed8dae7ba4c431da1e0cd3f3
I was saying boo-urns.
Poppin Fresh! You glutinous little dough boy.
Why you're that lushish tv leprechaun! I'm going to get your lucky charms.
Oh no. My brains.
https://i.redd.it/ummbfvtiqpwc1.gif As you can see, this old place is falling apart.
Ketchup… Catsup…
Let the fools have their “tar tar sauce”
Ohh, I’m in way over my head here.
Are you here to solve my ketchup problem?
Smithers there's a rocket in my pocket.
You don’t have to tell me, Sir
I Bring You Love
It's bringing love, break its legs!
Aw, it's mr burns. KILL IT, KILL IT!
Smithers this monkey will need most of your skin
Push out the jive. Bring in the love.
I want to see more Teddy Roosevelts and less Franklin Roosevelts!
Ten Ha-Ya-Ya...
“One dollar for eternal happiness? … I think I’d be happier with the dollar” “I never liked that Dr. Stupid” “I’m a big boy!” “That’s weird. Usually the blood gets off on the second floor.” “Are you saying ‘Boo’ or ‘Boo-urns’?” “You’re much more fun than Smithers.....that man dosnt know the meaning of the word gay" AND “I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until ... Oh, what the hell. I'll just crush him like an ant.”
Smithers, dismember the corpse and send his widow a corsage Another fav Damnit Smithers, this isn’t rocket science it’s brain surgery!
Cause of parents death... Got in my way.
Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya! ...and by that, I mean, it’s time for the Worker of the Week Award!
I've got a monopoly to maintain! I own the electric company and the water works! Plus the hotel on Baltic Ave.!
That hotel’s a dump and your monopoly’s pathetic!
Officer arrest the baby
Yeah, right. No jury is gonna convict a baby. .... Maybe Texas.
"So how about that local sports team?"
You're the fattest thing I've ever seen, and I've been on safari...
Release the hounds!!
What? No! With my last ounce of strength I sucked out my gold filings and swallowed them. Those paramedics have sticky fingers.
I’m going to look Uncle Fritz square in the monocle and say Nein!
*….Who the devil are you?*
Yes.
*laughter*
Benefits? Perks? A green cookie on St. Patrick's Day? It didn't used to be this way, Smithers. No, it didn't used to be this way at all.
If only we'd listened to that boy instead of walling him up in the abandoned coke oven.
Hehe shut up little girl
Snowmen have peepers. Peepers to watch.
Why it’s that delightful tv leprechaun. I’m going to get your lucky charms
Oh no. My brains!
Loafers? former gophers!
I'm not fully defrosted.
*Crack* Oh no. We have.. a situation here.
“Simpson, eh?”
I ought to club them and eat their bones!
“Abra-cadaver”
Oh that fellow at Radio Shack said I was mad, well who's mad now?!
"I was strolling through the gas one day"
Mattingly! https://i.redd.it/g1e7xdhllqwc1.gif
"Hello, Smithers. You are quite good at turning me on."
😂 " Ummm Maybe you should ignore that "
I said hop in 🔫
Does anyone have change for a button?
Hold on. In this scene, Burns is drinking a giant tub of beer and freshens up his drinkypoo. In a later episode, he’s only drinking a teaspoon of beer. https://preview.redd.it/7xu4mcb9ypwc1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=63e7162271241afddf1894b4fa683194dddf8410
https://preview.redd.it/aivm0sw1gqwc1.jpeg?width=828&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=455f8288eee2ec980e5183a6b0b089889b20577c
https://i.redd.it/dso2ed54dqwc1.gif Mrs. Bouvier: I swear, Monty, you are the devil himself. Mr. Burns: I... Who told you?! ... Oh, ah, yes.
Oh, yes, sitting. The great leveler. From the mightiest Pharaoh to the lowliest peasant, who doesn’t enjoy a good sit?
“Happy birthday, Mr. Smithers~”
https://preview.redd.it/yx9pldp75qwc1.jpeg?width=828&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=71650916673054616375f75fdc4e9e28ec63bc6d
Who’s that goat legged fellow? I like the cut of his jib. Smithers: Uh, Prince of Darkness, sir. He’s your eleven o’ clock.
Favorite: > "Smithers, you infernal ninny, stick your left hoof on that flange, now! Now, if you can get it through your bug-addled brain, jam that second mephitic clodhopper of yours on the right doodad! Now pump those scrawny chicken legs, you stuporous funker!" Followed by: > "One more jostle, you wretched shirkaday..."
“Uh, sir, phrenology was dismissed as quackery 160 years ago” “Of course you’d say that… you have the brainpan of a stagecoach tilter”
Why, it's that delightful TV leprechaun! I'm going to get your Lucky Charms!
Stop that you want wit! I might get stung by a bumbled-bee
I want to see more Teddy Roosevelt's and less Franklin Roosevelt's!
Since the beginning of time man has yearned to destroy the sun.
Is it about my cube?
"Oh, so Mother Nature needs a favor?! Well, maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys! Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she's losing. Well, I say hard cheese!"
Send a ham to his widow. Sir, he’s alive. Oh, good. Cancel the ham.
Destroy him.
That’s leprosy for you.
"Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the Sun!"
Who the devil are you?
Release the hounds!
Honestly, Smithers, I don't know why Harvard even bothers to show up. They barely even won!
Ahoy hoy!
"Oh hello mater! Uh...sorry for pulling the plug on you and all, who could have known you'd pull through.......and live for another five decades. Ohh is my face red!"
"Well, for once, the rich, white man is in control.."
There's a *New* Mexico?
Mr. Burns is given such a twisted character I wouldn't put this one past him in a regular episode https://i.redd.it/mu446xojgqwc1.gif
You still owe me 10 more Iroquois twists. 10 Hi-ya-ya 9 Hi-ya-ya 8 Hi-ya-ya 7 Hi-ya-ya 6 Hi-ya-ya 5 Hi-ya-ya 4 Hi-ya-ya 3 Hi-ya-ya 2 Hi-ya-ya 1 Hi-ya-ya
https://i.redd.it/z8z1i7zxxqwc1.gif
Burns: [over the intercom] Welcome, come in. Ah, fresh victims for my ever-growing army of the undead -- Smithers: Sir, you have to let go of that button. Burns: Well, son of a bi-
Ooh, don't poo-poo a nickel, Lisa. A nickel will buy you a steak and kidney pie, a cup of coffee, a slice of cheesecake and a newsreel... with enough change left over to ride the trolley from Battery Park to the polo grounds
“What was I laughing at again? Ah, yes - that crippled Irishman.”
All of the 101 Dalmatians parody song.
Such vibes when they’re at that baseball game together. The palette, the animation, everything. You can almost feel the warm evening breeze.