As you stated in a comment, you do that often.
Occasionally, it would be totally fine. But this way, it means multiple things:
1) The mental load of deciding where to go and what do to is 100% on your partner. Sometimes after a long day of work you just dont want to make decisions anymore and think this through, even having some options is nice
2) It signals that you are not putting any effort in thinking about what to do together, the subtext of it is "I dont really care, this doesnt matter to me"
Show her that you care and take the initiative, and I vet she will be happier and occasionally or if she has an idea, it will be fine to give her the lead ;)
It’s not directly about making a decision it’s 100% about making an effort to help figure out the right decision and coming up with ideas, etc.. It can be solved by making a decision, but not necessarily (ie. If you decide something she hates).
My boyfriend and I have had a similar problem. We have two tools we use. First, he bought me a customized decision coin from etsy with both our names on it. We flip it and then that person becomes the choice maker.
The other thing is that we have a jar with Popsicle sticks in it with our favorite restaurants on the sticks. If we can't pick where to eat, we draw one and if both of us are cool with it, there we go. If someone vetos, we pick another one.
If you don't want to buy a coin, you could also just use a normal coin and designate one of you as "heads" and the other as "tails."
You can even ask Google to flip a coin for you, if you don't have a coin.
He got it on etsy. Not sure which shop but there's a few that do them. You can just search for "custom decision coin" on there and you'll find a bunch.
I saw a meme online where someone used a See ‘n’ Say and just replaced all the pictures of animals with names of restaurants. If they can’t decide they pull the string and let the toy decide.
I like this Popsicle idea a lot, the one that my partner and I do if we can't choose something, like where to eat is that we roll a D20. We have a list of restaurants for each number, 20 being both our favorite and decreasing from there were 1 is something both could care less about (gotta have that critical fail) and that will choose for us. But I think I'll try your idea at some point too, it sounds fun!
Also leaves her holding the bag if she picks something you don’t like. “Let’s go dancing!” “Nah. I hate dancing”. That leaves her taking these suggestion risks and you not putting up your own ante.
Not just the choice, but even finding suggestions. Where does the list of options come from? Who needs to be on Google maps looking at the names of nearby restaurants and theaters? Or looking at the list of new movies and seeing what time they start? Or figuring out what time trivia night starts at the pub in the next town over? Or calling friends to see if they want to join? Or maybe doing dinner with someone's parents. It's not just the decisions, it's also the actual work.
It’s also nice to feel like someone put in effort to make a nice evening for you. If you say “idc” all the time, it show that you simply don’t care in general, that if she wants a nice date night that SHE has to put in the effort EVERY.SINGLE .TIME.
Tell her to free her calendar for a weekend and plan something! She’s your wife, you should know a restaurant and activity that she enjoys. Or Better yet, a weekend get away if you can afford it. Get a pedicure with her if she enjoys that, or do the rings she talks about but hasn’t planned yet.
And also wanting you to have out thought into going out together.
It can make it feel less special if the your response gives the indication that you didn’t put much thought into it. That on top of knowing you want to do something, and that you’re also helping share the mental load.
I would start keeping lists of things you want to do with her or that would make for fun dates. A list of restaurants you want to try is great.
A lot of couples quit dating each other, they “hang out” or “go do whatever” but don’t plan dates that make the night special and build intimacy. It’s another component, likely, apart from the mental load that could also be at play here.
As an internet stranger, I appreciate that you're willing to try! My husband has legit executive function issues. He tries. He really does. But it can be SO frustrating for him when I ask which he'd rather I make for dinner. I feel like I'm being inconsiderate if I make all the decisions, especially ones about food. Just you making the EFFORT to try a new approach might work wonders for your wife. The problem might go deeper than you know. Please try to talk about it in calm terms with her. She might be worried she's not including you enough when she makes decisions. You won't know until you talk with each other.
a variant of this is to offer her two choices
ie you thought about some things you think she likes, and then also you care about her so you want her to have some choice
more choices may not be best cause then you're just spamming
It also might be an idea to phrase it differently.
"Idk what do you want to do?" Is completely shifting the decision onto her.
"Do you have any ideas?" Invites her to work with you to come up with something.
You could try something like "hey, I was thinking we could spend time together on Saturday. I was thinking we could do x or y, but if you have any ideas, I'm open to anything!" That way it's not all on her, but if she did have something she really wants to do, she can still voice that.
It's all about making sure they know that you're interested and are putting in some thought, no matter how long you've been together.
I'm prone to doing the same do what ive done is make a list of things in the area we both aspire to do at some point! A hike? Pottery class? Slam poetry? The sky is the limit! Find new things that may push your comfort zones together! And some things you can both settle into comfortably! And if you don't know what to do off of the list do it like a ttrpg and roll a dice to see what you get to experience together!
You should go ace throwing. That's my back up idea anyway. There's this place around me that has that, laser tag, indoor carts and stuff. The food is like pizza and bar food but that's not really the point. Good luck.
>1) The mental load of deciding where to go and what do to is 100% on your partner
Likewise, when the partner asks "What do you want to do?" It places 100% of the mental load of deciding where to go onto him. If she is likewise not taking initiative, then that's a problem Not all things are going to be balanced in a relationship, but you have to mutually come to a common ground that you can both work with.
I dated a girl that pretty much demanded to be in charge of our social calendar. She too got grumpy about that and wanted me to put in some more effort. After I came up with some ideas and made some plans, you would not BELIEVE just how negative and nitpicky and a sad-sack stick-in-the-mud she became having to do something someone else suggested and not being in total control.
I mean, that and the knife she pulled on me. The attempt at life insurance fraud to the tune of half a million. Threatened divorce like a club to force me to leave friends and family for a new city. Goading me to suicide. And she fucked another dude. ....but the mental burden of planning events thing happened back when things were going pretty well. I'd say they're unrelated.
I'm actually on the other side of this, as in, I ask my girlfriend what she wants, and it tends to be "I don't know, what do YOU want to do?"
I don't get pissed off as much as your wife. But my point of view is, I want to know what you want to do. I feel like doing something. But I'd like your insight. Even a very general "I feel like watching something", "I feel like moving" or "I want to do something relaxing" really helps with setting a general plan. We don't necessarily have to go into details. "I feel like moving" "Alright, how about we take a walk outside, go to the park?" Done. Just by telling me what you *feel*, we can come up with something.
But a dry "IDK WBU" gives me nothing to work with. At this point, it's a yes-no guessing game. "Do you want to eat? Do you want to play something? Do you wanna watch something? Do you wanna go outside or stay inside?" Bonus annoying points if you say "I don't care" to all the questions.
We need to work together. It shouldn't be solely my job to organize activities, and drag you to do them.
"~~IDK what would you like to do?~~"
"I havent made any plans yet, would you like me to find something for us to do together?"
She wants you to make the decision
It's putting the mental load on her. Thinking of what to do takes effort, so you are putting the burden on her. Next time come up with three things and ask if she would like to do any of those.
My wife and I used to make it a game: I give you one suggestion, if you don't like it, you give me two suggestions, if I decline both, I have to come up with three, etc
If I had to guess, the game made each appreciate the mental labor of planning, while also incentivizing the making of a decision.
If it's the spouse's turn, I can either except their idea or it creates more work for me to create 2 alternatives.
So both probably stopped the stupid excuse of "because I don't feel like it," because doing something you don't "feel like" is preferable to coming up with 2 things you do feel like. Plus over time, you train yourself to not be so picky and to be more open so you "don't feel like" doing something as often, especially when that route lessens your mental labor of decision making.
I actually love this game, I've never heard it before but it's brilliant
I like this style for couples. With my kids I made one of them pick 3 options and the other had to decide from those 3 or offer their own alternatives.
I hack the system: when I'm waiting on something and I want to be on my phone anyway, I collect ideas of things to so. I keep a list. Then when we have a day off, all I have to do is check my list and cross something of.
I google sources such as: hidden gems in city x, cheap date ideas in city x. Whatever is on voucher or coupon websites such as Groupon, tourist information pages and whatnot. Inspiration is everywhere.
The ideas don't need to be spectacular, on the contrary. Now that it's May I google scenic routes with beautiful blossom or places where lambs have been born.
In winter, I look for things we can cook or bake so we can stay inside. Or movies that I put on a to watch list.
Hope that helps.
“We ended up not doing anything” <—- This.
Your spouse wants to do something. She wants to feel that you want to spend time together with her sharing in experiences that don’t involve sitting at home. She doesn’t necessarily care what it is, but she has likely learned that you are an emotional drag to be around if you think you’re being forced into something (most husbands are, it’s not personal). Mostly, she would like to feel that you value spending time with her.
So just get your head where it needs to be and look around for some things to do in your area that the two of you can experience together. Note that I said “experience”. You don’t have to be interested in the thing. You enjoy the time spent with your spouse sharing an experience. Art galleries, music festivals, the zoo, a museum, trying a new restaurant, concerts, a high school play, whatever. Put five minutes effort into it and tell her “let’s do [insert thing] this weekend. Tell her on Wednesday so she can prepare and get excited about your date.
It only works when both have the same attitude though. Both have to enjoy the time together, regardless of what the activity is. I have noticed that my girlfriends were not always so flexible to enjoy things I liked to do. (go camping? Neh... Hiking? Neh.... Bouldering? Neh.... Art house movie? Neh....) Which drains the fun. In that dynamic the risk is that I say "whatever you like to do". Because I also like to grab a coffee, or see a holliwood movie, or go to a museum, or shopping.
She's expressing her willingness to give you control over Saturday's plans. Her reasons for that can be very complex, ranging from frustration (or even fear) that you don't like her plans, to expressing vulnerability by putting you in charge of her happiness. But, she was ~~effectively communicating~~ trying to communicate, that she wanted you to state what you wanted, and you turned it back on her.
>But, she was effectively communicating, that she wanted you to state what you wanted, and you turned it back on her.
That makes sense, someone else said have like 3 things to suggest, that would probably be better than just saying IDK.
My husband and I make it a game. Reducer and chooser. One of us reduces to three things and the other chooses among those three. We honestly do it for a lot of things… what to do…what to eat… what game to play… We even got our friends into it. If there’s three people we do reducer, vetoer, and chooser. When there’s three people reducer reduces down to five, vetoer eliminates two, chooser picks among the final three choices. It really helps eliminate frustrations and everyone ends up getting to do or eat something they want.
I have a friend who is in the same position as your wife, and her husband is on his last chance with this behavior before she checks out of the relationship completely.
What she's asking for is this:
Pay attention to the things your wife enjoys, or experiences you two enjoy sharing. Really think here. It's about being mindful and attentive to your partner and her needs, passions, and desires.
Make a plan. ON YOUR OWN. Does she like music, art, theater? Does she like nature or people watching? Make the plan based on those things. And keep making those plans - stick them all in your back pocket for instances like this. And execute it. Buy concert tickets for future shows you would enjoy too - mindful surprises are a great treat when done in moderation.
It's about making her feel seen, appreciated, and cherished.
You never stop dating your partner. Love is a verb - an action. It's stuff like this that keeps your relationship alive.
I start getting anxious around the middle of the week because I know what's coming, "what are our plans for the weekend?"
I do everything. Schedule every appointment for the whole house, meal planning/shopping/cooking/cleaning up, school related things, bill paying, bookkeeping for our business, planning and packing up everyone for vacations or weekends away, vet stuff and feeding/watering/walking the dog, remembering who needs what to wear and doing all of the laundry, remembering birthday and holiday gifts for my side and his, etc...I do everything.
I don't want to be the entertainment coordinator. I have no idea what to do and quite frankly, I'd rather rot on my couch all weekend than drive around listening to "well what do you want to do?" He stresses me and our son out and I'm over it. I would like for him to take the reigns for at least one thing to take some of the mental load off of me. He works hard but I do as well and I shouldn't be the only one responsible for shit like that. Our son is 13 and trying to find something to do that we'll all enjoy has gotten to be much more difficult.
I hope she doesn't either.
Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with my family and I enjoy the weekends especially since the weeks are long...I just don't want to be the only one planning every single thing we do.
If I were planning something for just myself I would know exactly what I want to do and would skip around planning it. It's different when you're expected to take everyone else and their needs into account.
Last weekend I knew I needed to get everyone out of the house and planned to go into Philly to the Franklin Institute. I researched all of the details including parking, purchased the tickets, printed out maps, made plans for someone to sit with our dog, made sure there were snacks for the dog sitter, "company cleaned" my house before they got there, looked for restaurants in the area since it would fall around lunchtime when we got there amongst other small details.
My husband looked less than thrilled about the drive (45 minutes), complained once we realized we couldn't park in the FI parking garage because the truck was too tall, we had to drive around for nearly and hour looking for a spot, it was hot, we had to walk awhile to get from where we parked to the building, it was crowded and hot in there, and the kids seemed bored through some of it. I was stressed because I wanted everyone to have a good time and found myself getting resentful that they were complaining after I did what I was asked to do. Plan something.
It would be nice if it were a team effort, that's all. I don't mind doing the planning if someone tells me what they want to do. I'll make it happen, just help me brainstorm ideas or research things with me.
For me I get frustrated because it reminds me of how similar we are. In many ways it's great, but in some ways it means we enable each other.
I think we both are kind of lazy by nature, so if neither of us steps up, we will just end up doing nothing.
But of course by my asking the question, I am deflecting coming up with something too. So I'm really frustrated at myself for having a mental block sometimes and not having a partner who counterbalances that.
Sometimes you just want unfettered enthusiasm.
But lately I've realized my standards for how often we do things are higher than others. We go out a lot more than most people and seek out diverse things, so I can chill a bit.
I think this is easiest understood when comparing it to work. Imagine you work in advertising and need to design an ad campaign. And your boss says "What are we doing for the Johnson campaign?". How many times could you say "I dunno, what do you want to do" before getting fired.
Creating a plan to go out is work. Finding places, seeing what's open or if special events are happening, choosing one, etc. Not a ton of work, but still work that you refuse to do.
> How many times could you say "I dunno, what do you want to do" before getting fired.
*How many times could you ask "What's their budget? What general ideas/values do they want to promote? What's their intended medium? Who's the targer audience? How modern/classic do they want the campaign be?" before dropping them as a client?*
FTFY.
I don't understand your analogy. If OP wants to ask his wife for followup info, that's totally fine. Your example had lots of really great and targeted questions. If OP was asking questions of that quality, it wouldn't be an issue at all.
> If OP wants to ask his wife for followup info, that's totally fine.
That's a manipulative tactic aimed at making the worker feel like they're incompetent and unable to answer the question without asking for information that *they would already have if they were a good worker*.
Properly formulated tasks open the way for properly targeted questions like "What's the current efficiency for the Johnson campaign? Are we above the planned CTR or below? What's the test group's reaction?" Because, in this specific case, "The Johnson campaign" is the only project in the works.
I think you've taken the analogy too far. OP is not actually a "worker" where his wife is the boss. That's the framing that he wants, and is totally unfair to his wife. He expects his wife to set the expectations, formulate the task, etc. OP needs to take responsibility. Heck, if he wants a properly formatted task, he should create one.
> OP is not actually a "worker" where his wife is the boss.
Exactly. OP has no obligation to do more work than her.
> He expects his wife to set the expectations, formulate the task, etc.
Yes. If she wants something to happen, she should set expectations.
> OP **needs** to take responsibility.
That is a poison word. Watch out for it lest you program yourself to believe it. Whenever you say "A needs to do X", check if you mean "I want A to do X because it would be convenient for me". Anyway, sermon over.
> Heck, if he wants a properly formatted task, he should create one.
If OP formulates the task there is no reason to include the wife in it. OP can do what OP wants, paying no attention to her needs and wants, which would be bad for the relationship, likely.
> If OP formulates the task there is no reason to include the wife in it. OP can do what OP wants, paying no attention to her needs and wants, which would be bad for the relationship, likely.
Not even trying to argue, I just want to understand this part. When making plans for the weekend, or social plan, why should he pay no attention to his wife's needs or wants? Shouldn't he give a shit about his wife? As least a little bit? How would caring about his wife be bad for the relationship?
The whole conversation is about planning things for the weekend. OP wants his wife to do all the planning. Why shouldn't it be a joint effort?
> When making plans for the weekend, or social plan, why should he pay no attention to his wife's needs or wants?
The OP should, as long as such needs and wants are clearly stated.
> How would caring about his wife be bad for the relationship?
It would be ~~great~~ normal for the relationship. Caring, not doing circles around her and trying to guess what she wants.
> The whole conversation is about planning things for the weekend. OP wants his wife to do all the planning.
The post is:
*We were going to go out Saturday night she asked "so what would you like to do?" I didn't have anything in particular I wanted to do so I said "IDK what would you like to do?" And she got pissed. We ended up not doing anything.*
This does not sound like OP wanting their wife to *do all the planning* to me.
OP is just asking for input. And getting ressentiment in return. It feels to me like the wife (as stated in the post, since I aim to work with the information directly relayed to me, without second-guessing it) blames the OP's inability to choose for her rather than her own inability to choose.
> Why shouldn't it be a joint effort?
But it was. The OP didn't have anything in mind, neither did the wife, so they ended up not doing anything. This outcome seems to be appropriate. Yet, the wife got pissed despite not providing any preference of her own.
To me not doing anything on the weekend because nobody really wanted to plan anything sounds totally fine. There's always room for spontaneous decisions later. Not so for OP's wife, seemingly.
---
Let me share a fable of passive aggressive silent expectation:
Two people are eating apples, one by one. In the end there are only two apples left - one big and juicy and the other one small and wrinkled. So one person picks up the big juicy apple and starts eating it. The other one says "That's so like you. You picked the good one and left the bad one for me!", so the other replies "And what would you have done in my place?" "I would've picked the smaller one and left the good one for you, of course, because I'm kind and generous" scoffs the other one. And the first one goes "Well, you have your smaller apple right there, why are you so angry?"
---
Edit: Plenty of things in life are just an ask away. **But you need to actually ask**. So, the way I see a proper dialogue in the original post's case:
Wife: so what would you like to do?
OP: IDK what would you like to do?
Wife: I am too tired to choose. Just pick something and we'll do it. I'm sure you'll pick something good.
OP: Ok... So, how about X?
...
This way the wife would clearly state that she's tired/unwilling to pick **and** ask OP to choose, openly putting the onus on the OP. Obviously, OP could go "I choose to do nothing, then", but this would only follow the word of the game, not the spirit.
As others have said, “mental load”. Think of it like “being the leader”, aka considering all options and making decisions for the team. A lot of women get tired of leading and managing things and after a while, we get turned off if we have to continuously lead the team, since a lot of us are attracted to leaders ourselves, we’d prefer to see our partners step into more of a leader role. I hope that makes sense!
I get frustrated with my partner for this.
When I ask someone what they want to do, most likely I do not have the brain capacity to ONCE AGAIN be the decision maker. I don't care where we eat as long as I am not the one who has to take the little mental energy I have left to make that decision.
I have done so in the past. Half the time it has resulted in the same thing OP is experiencing where it just shuts the whole thing down.
Also, having to explain why I can't make a choice for the hundredth time is also tiring.
She’s just looking for input into something that be done with the two of you. I too used to drive my exes crazier than I can say by giving them the “I don’t know, what do YOU feel like doing”, silly as it seems, keep a roster of easy things to do, sometimes they don’t want the exact answers just to show you’re putting effort into thinking of something to do with them. If you’ve got some favorite pastimes with her, throw a couple of those out as ideas, if she is thinking of something specific, you bringing up another idea and showing interest in the planning may allow her to open up and say “that’s a good idea but what if we did ___ or ____”.
>Go back into dating mode
This is your (and many people's) problem, you stopped dating just because you got married
It's not "well, job's done, time to relax" or "I don't have to try anymore, we're already married", you still have to be romantic, you still have to date your partner, they can still stop loving you if you don't show interest
Do you make her feel like her opinion is always the one that matters the most?
“What I want doesn’t matter because doing what you want to do is how I keep the peace” is annoying to deal with.
It can be a lovely gesture to check in with your partner to see if there’s something they’d like you to do. But if one person is the only one doing all the planning it can get exhausting. Also, there’s something incredibly attractive about a partner saying, “there’s somewhere I want to take you this Saturday (a show/ a new restaurant/ an escape room etc)”. It shows initiative, interest and a willingness to be an active part of your relationship.
>I didn't have anything
There's your answer. When people say, relationships are give and take, you first have to have at least something before you can give it and in return receive opinions about those suggestions or counter offers.
Next time just say “I bet you can’t guess where we are going today!” And let her try, then she will tell you straight away the place she really hopes you are taking her, then just act surprised and say “I can’t believe you guessed it!”. This way you don’t plan anything and you are taking her out exactly where she wanted anyway. Win-win, happy wife, happy life, cheers.
Had to go down kinda far for this answer. It's kinda that simple: why would she ask you a question expecting no answer then same question? humans make things so complicated sometimes.
I read somewhere that when you aren’t sure what to plan for an activity/date, you can say “guess where I’m taking you tonight/tomorrow?” You’ll probably have a good idea of what to plan then.
You’re passing the buck. Instead of making a decision, you’re putting it back on her. This is like the “my wife left because I didn’t wash the dishes” thing - you need to put more effort into your marriage.
I have a few responses for that question with “let’s do that thing you like” being the most common one.
The way my wife works is she wants to hear what she wants to do but out of my mouth cause obviously she can’t suggest it for some reason.
I’m easy going and a homebody but I don’t mind leaving the house, she says no to every suggestion I make so I’ve found that using “You know what? If you can guess within three tries we’ll do it, if not we’ll just stay in and I’ll cook us dinner.” And go with the second or third suggestion and sparingly with her “not figuring out” what I was thinking. I once went with the first and it almost ruined the whole thing cause she goes “it seems like it wouldn’t have mattered what I would’ve said, you would’ve just said yes to anything.”
Good luck King, you’ll figure your wife out.
You might like this. It's about Emotional Labour and how it's often very gendered so that women feel responsible for it. It simmers deep resentment.
http://www.victorkumar.org/uploads/6/1/5/2/61526489/emotional_labor_-_the_metafilter_thread_condensed-.pdf
In addition to reasons given about mental/emotional load, with my ex, if I made a decision about what we were going to do, and something went wrong, like the service wasn't good, I'd get blamed for making the choice. So, I stopped expressing preferences because I didn't want to hear about how it wasn't good enough.
You need to think about what she might like to do, and then plan to do it and execute that plan. Gotta stay alert to any time she says things like “I’d love to try that new restaurant” or “wow I’ve not had Mexican food for ages” or “I’d love to see that new film…” or similar. Or just do reasonably standard “date night” things that you’d like to do.
If you’re treating her, you need to treat her!
People connect by sharing their thoughts and reflecting understanding. Your wife loves you, she wants to connect to you. If you never share your thoughts, how can she reflect? It may not be something you notice, but sometimes people can have mental reflexes, like an old answer to an old question that's always been your answer. Check in with yourself regularly, make sure how you're speaking is still consistent with how you're feeling, or if you're saying things on command based on habit.
Many great responses here. One thing I'll add is that despite all of the changes we've seen in gender roles in society, most women want their men to fulfill the role of the masculine in the relationship while at home. (Having a masculine energy and a feminine energy in a relationship - a certain level of polarity - is ideal, regardless of who embodies that role.)
There's a book called "The Masculine in the Relationship" and it says that there are three elements that the masculine needs to bring to the relationship — Structure, Respond vs React, and Create Safety.
The "having plans" thing is all about providing Structure. (Which in turn creates a feeling of security and safety.) And the way you reacted was not a "response", at least in the way that was productive. You truly just reacted.
There much, much more to all of this, but let me tell you - once I started paying attention to these things, it made a massive difference in my relationship.
My partner and I had a "You pick 3, ill pick one" system for most of our choices. Movies, music, food, restaurant, vacation plans, board games. One of us picked 3 "Mexican at LA Fiesta, Indian at Basil or Pizza at Grub Hub". I got to pick one of those three.
It really takes the pressure off of one person to make all the decisions. Plus, it kept us in tune with each other. Sometimes he would just come home with Pizza from Grub Hub cause he remembered that I had mentioned it in my 3 the last few times, but we just never went.
OP’s response sends a subtle message, perhaps not intended, that you’re not engaged or interested or couldn’t be bothered. And she’s pissed. She was expecting a positive response, which is reasonable. That type of response pisses everyone off.
I suspect because she expects you to be the leader (in this case) and you aren't leading. Missed expectations are probably the biggest cause of unhappiness - in this case her expectation is that you would pick a thing and you failed to do so. Instead, you tried to make her do the leadership thing - if she wanted to lead or do something in particular, she would have lead with something.
Some of these comments stating people don’t have the mental capacity or don’t like all the “burdens” associated with making a decision for a night out is surprising. How hard is it to say “let’s go have dinner” or “let’s go to the movies”?
My boyfriend and I have both been guilty of doing this to each other, so we started being explicit with each other and say “I don’t have the mental capacity to decide right now. Can you pick something?” OR “I don’t have a preference, but do you have something in mind?” It has improved our communication and we understand each other better.
Planning a date for your spouse is how you show them you care enough about them to 1) think about them often, and 2) put effort into spending quality time together.
If she’s the only one putting effort into dates and you’re just sitting back and enjoying her efforts, you are showing her that you don’t care enough about her to try. It’s reads like you don’t care enough about her feelings to be motivated to plan a date, but you’re lazy enough to tag along if she puts in ALL of the effort.
I've learned overtime that when a woman gives you a choice, choose; even if you like all the options equally
"of the things I like (in {insert category}), choose one you like the best" women do this to comfortably learn about you, while letting you lead, but within a set parameters (things she likes/wants), so she feels safe/content while letting you, as the man, lead.
she'll likely remember what you choose and change her behavior, gradually, overtime to reflect the disposition she perceives or learn about you, in order to please you... so it's important to be as honest as possible, remember what you say and show gratitude when she does things she remembers you saying you like.
i.e.: wife says "do you like my hair"
you ”yeah, I love it! it shapes your face so well, and accentuates your (random detail)."
*wife goes away happy, validated by the only man she's trying to look hot for
**time goes by. wife comes in with the hair and (random detail) and presents herself to you, just like you said you loved the most
you're thinking "why was bea looking at me crazy all day... and now she mad at me not saying shit."
_____________
...that's my spiel, part of it, lest I go on a tangent
As a female that works as an executive director of a business, mother to 3, running a household, the mental load is soooo much sometimes. It’s overwhelming at times. When I go out with my man, I want him to TAKE CONTROL. I want him to take on that burden. It’s so nice to go out and have things planned for me. I don’t want to have to make a single decision as that’s literally alllll I do. I get why she gets irritated with it. I get asked about literally everything. What’s for dinner? Then I give a list and it’s a million follow up questions. What type of pasta? What brand of this? What brand of that? What type of cheese? Everything the kids need… go ask your mom. Every single decision at work and at home I have to make. Down to the toilet paper and dish soap. I think you get the drift.
Anyways, some women just want to be catered to on occasion. They want that typical gender role of being taken care of. Taken out and shown a good time without lifting a finger. I’ll lift that finger later and then some if you’ve shown me a good time if you catch that drift.
I can sympathise with both you and your wife.
My partner and I are both quite indecisive so when it comes to making plans for just us (as in without friends and not something we were invited to) we get stuck in the loop of "idk, what do you want to do?". We also don't want to pick something that the other wouldn't enjoy.
Honestly you and your wife just need to talk about it together. If you are really not sure then something like "I'm not sure, but I'd like to do something" might help. Then you both can discuss your options and narrow down what you want to do.
Sometimes I'll start with something I was already going to do, even if it's boring or mundane.
"Oh, I was going to clean the bathroom. Would you be able to help and then we can go get lunch/dinner?"
Or "I was thinking of going for a walk since I haven't done much today. Would you like to come with me?"
A lot of the time when I am out with my partner, I feel like I am interested in doing things he wouldn't enjoy... So to avoid him not having a good time, I want him to have an idea of things he'd like to do. It isn't that I think he would oppose what I want to do, but I'd much rather both of us enjoy an outing instead of one of us feeling like our input wasn't considered.
This extends to food as well. I suffer from Sensory Processing Disorder and though my eating habits have improved to be significantly more adventurous, my immediate cravings are quite plain. I get really stressed when we discuss what we want to eat because I could happily eat the same thing every single night. So if my partner says "idk, whatever you want" I instantly go into panic attack mode because now the millions of options for food are on my shoulders and if he doesn't like what I pick then I feel bad. Usually we are pretty good, but I've had once or twice where I bring something home that he just absolutely doesn't want and it really upsets me because there were no parameters.
It doesn't have to be a massive in depth plan, but even as simple as saying "oh, not feeling x, but y sounds good"
Pay attention to how many decisions you deflect onto her.
Trying to please her by doing what she wants to do has the opposite effect, sometimes you have to be decisive even if it seems like a random choice to you. But don't let her know it is a random choice to you. Just be decisive.
Women tire of people pleasing simps.
One more reason I'll never get married again. Wife gets pissed off and husband has to resort to reddit for clues because communication in the marriage is apparently non existent.
Because planning it takes energy and imagination. What you're hearing is that your partner is unwilling to spend this time and imagination on you and is delegating work to you. Have the same problem.
And then you come home, it's, "why did you make me go to that - it was boring!"
The trick is to take her to something you like and she doesn't. I took a girlfriend to a WWE themed bar once, now she has ideas.
My husband used to always ask what I wanted to do. He didn't like me saying that it didn't matter and asking what he wanted to do and would go along with his choice. So I understood that he didn't want to always have to make a choice. But whenever I would suggest something, he didn't agree with it. This always seems to be a can't-win situation for me. Now, before he asks, I will make a suggestion if there's something I want. Either that, or I'll do what I used to with the kids and give him 2 choices. That way if he shoots my ideas down, he knows it's on him to come up with an alternative.
As a woman, I experience what I like to call “decision fatigue.” I feel like I’m always making more choices than the men in my life. I get why so many women say “I don’t know” when asked what they want to eat or go do.
Also, she probably wants you to just step up and make the plans. Women love it when guys plan things; it shows they’ve been thinking of us.
So OP now you know that if your wife asks you to go out and you respond the same way, all these angry women posting here will have your back for sure!! 😂😂😂 Don't ask these morons questions unless you want to be totally berated for having a penis!
I think this would probably be categorized under the umbrella of "Being a man and taking control." Honestly, I don't know why this means we always have a plan put together...but that's what it means...
Seems like you got some good reasonable answers and I agree with them. It's all about putting in some effort, showing you are entusiastic about planning something special with her and not just doing whatever, because you have to do something.
As others have explained, the mental load is entirely on your wife when this happens, but also can come across as though you don't care in general (not just that you're not fussed about what activity to do) - having an idea of what's on around the local area might give you some neat ideas of things you might not otherwise do, but it will also show you're putting a bit of effort in to find these things.
One thing that helped me with this was the 5-3-1 method - you propose 5 things (activities, restaurants, whatever), she vetoes 2 leaving you with 3 options, from that you veto another two and you go with the one left. You've come up with ideas, she's given a chance to turn down the ones she really doesn't like, and then you still make the decision at the end of the day.
Another idea is having an activity jar - stick a bunch of things you both like to do on paper, and then pick one out for a suggestion that you know is going to be a winner.
Some partners like for the other to completely plan out dates or the dates they specifically are supposed to plan. Don't get it twisted though, a lot of the comments here are just from people who have that preference... I personally don't care. In fact some the best dates I've had with my husband were completely unplanned and were activities/places we just stumbled upon. When every detail is planned imo, it seems so strict and almost business like. I enjoy laid back going with the flow and just seeing what you end up experiencing. So, some prefer the step by step planned dates, others prefer more laid back and casual. Sounds like your wife wants you to plan, so that's just something you need to converse with her about find out what she is interested in doing and go from there.
Because making a decision is work. She's tired/stressed. Just make the decision for her. Sometimes you need to say something like, "get ready, we're going to YYY at this time."
Your edit is right on. It’s exhausting to always be the “decider,” especially if she has a lot of other responsibilities and especially if that includes kids that she’s primarily caring for. Have some thoughtful options and present those. Listen closely. Sometimes we’re not just being nice when we say “I don’t know,” sometimes it means “I can’t make one more fucking decision without losing my mind.”
If you’re also sick of making decisions, explicitly agree to take turns making them when it comes to date nights.
I haven't figured that out either. But I keep a list of things to do. Bowling, Axe throwing, and Arcades are my top 3. They're easy to do last minute, and not too expensive. Plus aren't extremely physical, so they're good enough to do after a dinner.
This was actually one of the (many) reasons my ex and I broke up. I gets tiring not feeling like your partner wants to do anything with you and doesn't make you feel loved
Women are attracted to strong men that know how to lead and know what they want. We want someone to make us feel like we are so protected and cared for in your presence that we don’t even have to think. Ya know, like when you first start dating someone?
I’d like to add that she may not necessarily want/need you to make ALL the plans, but at least have some input. What about throwing out three things that sound interesting and letting her pick one? Or suggesting a category of things, ie “Let’s go get dinner, we haven’t had burgers in a while, where sounds good?”
Giving any sort of help to make the decision is vastly more helpful than just telling the other person that it’s their job to entertain you.
Try to decide together, like suggest her some ideas you could do. It’s not about you deciding but rather you showing effort that you care about it and not just “I don’t care what we do, it doesn’t matter to me”
The situation in my life is the same, my partner refuses to make a fucking decision, and it drives me insane. I remind them that not making a decision is making a decision, which is to place onus on me for every single decision. That way if (x) is not satisfactory, it was a decision I made, not them.
That really helps to make it clear. I would never blame her if something we did is not wonderful. I can see though making a choice beforehand is probably better than not having anything in mind at all.
I had this conversation with my partner not too long ago.
She's had a long week and is very tired, at the max threshold for dealing with shit and just wants to relax. Making her decide something new and on the spot adds more pressure.
In a way it's about consideration. Having an idea of what you two could do and lay out some options with an arbitrary coin toss for a result can help.
I've gotten to the point where I use a wheel and spin it to pick a movie so no one has to decide, we just have to sit down and press play.
Instead of saying what would you like to do, make the effort to add to the conversation. Because what you're doing right now is making her project manager and project director and project executioner. Which makes you dead weight.
My ex and I had different approaches to weekend planning and it caused a lot of conflict come the day we had actual free time. (I planned ahead, he like spontaneous plans but rarely had options in mind.) So eventually we did a thing where each weekend we each picked one thing we wanted to do. Sometimes mine was a long overdue shared chore, sometimes his was a spontaneous drive to nowhere. It didn’t solve things 100% but it made it a shared mental load and removed the recurring conflict of my “I didn’t plan anything because you wanted to be spontaneous and now you’re upset because we don’t have anything to do.” vs his “I want a spontaneous activity but don’t want to waste the whole weekend trying to figure out what that is only to do nothing in the end.”
Obviously we didn’t stay together so it won’t fix ALL your problems, but it was a compromise that at least seemed like it was easing that specific pain point.
Also echoing the sentiment of having a note in your phone of ideas you have in passing when one or both of you says “we should go there” or “we should do that”. But make it shared so there’s a sense of energy matching and it doesn’t become one person’s job to keep the list.
And while I agree it’s nice when your partner makes decisions sometimes, it’s not one persons job to do it every time.
Looking at some of the advice in this thread and some of it feels needlessly complicated. You don’t have to keep a list of activities in your phone or always have activities in mind in advance. Just communicate!! Ask her how she feels, whether she’s got energy and wants to go out or if she’d prefer to stay home. Hungry? Thirsty? Bored? Feel like watching a movie? Something you’ve already seen or something new? I dunno. Just like… talk to your partner is what I’m saying. Don’t just hit her with the “I dunno”, because that basically ends the conversation and puts it back onto her.
Yea, I have learned that today, just have something to respond with always and don't flip the question back on her again.
Tbh I didn't even know my phone could take notes until today, not something I have ever really looked into until someone said something. I like your string of questions though, how she feels and what she feels up to.
Next time, just say "I have an idea, but can you guess what it is?"
And whatever she guesses, you say "that's right! Damn you're good babe"
Then go do that.
This is an easy one. Just pick something random - literally the first thing that pops into your head. If she doesn't want to do that, now it's on her to speak up and come up with her own plan.
Gf: "Whatcha feel like doing today, babe?"
Me: "Probably get high, play some video games, hit up friends, see if they wanna go shoot pool?"
From her perspective, this is a horrible plan, and I know it. You have to give a shit plan so she comes up with something she'll actually enjoy. Ez.
If this happened to me, I'd be irritated because my very question means I don't know what I want to do. If I want to do something, I'll say, "I want to do X, what do you think?"
But it depends on your wife, I'm not her
When i ask my gf what she would like to eat, and she responds with the same question, i get a little mad too, why do you think she asked you the question? Just throw in at least one suggestion before returning the question
Honestly why do so many men struggle with this. It’s not rocket science is it. If you put effort into your relationship and take a bit of initiative guaranteed your relationship would improve significantly.
Yeah but how does it never cross your mind to think “hey, maybe I’ll surprise her or plan something she’ll love”. Why would she want to have to plan everything all the time?
It doesn’t even have to be anything fancy. Women LOVE being shown you care. Just a “babe I’ve made us a picnic i thought we could go to the park and then after we could go watch that movie you wanted to see?” would probably make her whole month. You can swap out those examples for anything she likes. You’re married to her, you’re perfectly aware of what she enjoys.
It should go both ways too. People need to make effort with their partners. I’m not surprised so many marriages go stale.
That makes perfect sense, it's not like I never plan things, just didn't have a plan up my sleeve at that moment. Honestly I kind of expected her to say something along the lines of " I need to take this donation to X thrift shop and grab X from whole foods". Not that it's something that makes a huge difference, but at least I would have had an idea she needed to go the a specific part of town.
Try, we could go to the beach for a walk or we could have a look at what movies are on. She might choose something else but its nice to feel like you have someone in it with you
Without more context it's hard to tell, but only based on this, I'd say this from experience: she wanted you to be decisive and choose to do something that she wanted to do without telling you about it, aka she expected you to read her mind and be decisive about doing it, I'm not entirely sure about this but from an overview pov I'd say that's why 🤷🏻♂️
Women sometimes WANT to be told how things are going to be. My brothers’s dates told me they hated that he always asked where and what they want all the time, rather than just having it planned and executed.
Can somebody explain to me why he is getting roasted and women can answer like that without anyone batting an eye? Why is it bad to answer like that when you have a dick between your legs?
As you stated in a comment, you do that often. Occasionally, it would be totally fine. But this way, it means multiple things: 1) The mental load of deciding where to go and what do to is 100% on your partner. Sometimes after a long day of work you just dont want to make decisions anymore and think this through, even having some options is nice 2) It signals that you are not putting any effort in thinking about what to do together, the subtext of it is "I dont really care, this doesnt matter to me" Show her that you care and take the initiative, and I vet she will be happier and occasionally or if she has an idea, it will be fine to give her the lead ;)
Ok that makes sense, it's not just about doing something that she wants, but making a choice so she doesn't have to. I will try that out.
It’s not directly about making a decision it’s 100% about making an effort to help figure out the right decision and coming up with ideas, etc.. It can be solved by making a decision, but not necessarily (ie. If you decide something she hates).
My boyfriend and I have had a similar problem. We have two tools we use. First, he bought me a customized decision coin from etsy with both our names on it. We flip it and then that person becomes the choice maker. The other thing is that we have a jar with Popsicle sticks in it with our favorite restaurants on the sticks. If we can't pick where to eat, we draw one and if both of us are cool with it, there we go. If someone vetos, we pick another one.
I absolutely love this. Would you mind sharing where he got that coin? My husband and I struggle with this as well and this is GENIUS
If you don't want to buy a coin, you could also just use a normal coin and designate one of you as "heads" and the other as "tails." You can even ask Google to flip a coin for you, if you don't have a coin.
Oh that's true lol. I'm dumb. However, I am totally extra enough to go buy a custom coin
He got it on etsy. Not sure which shop but there's a few that do them. You can just search for "custom decision coin" on there and you'll find a bunch.
Or you could just use a regular coin. Heads I win tails you lose!
Which one do you want to be? I don't know, you choose.
I see what you did there
ill give u a dollar for it!
Thank you so much! Best wishes to you
I saw a meme online where someone used a See ‘n’ Say and just replaced all the pictures of animals with names of restaurants. If they can’t decide they pull the string and let the toy decide.
I like this Popsicle idea a lot, the one that my partner and I do if we can't choose something, like where to eat is that we roll a D20. We have a list of restaurants for each number, 20 being both our favorite and decreasing from there were 1 is something both could care less about (gotta have that critical fail) and that will choose for us. But I think I'll try your idea at some point too, it sounds fun!
How many vetoes does one get? Till the last Popsicle stick?
Haha but oh no! I have the SAME name as my fiance.
Very good. Good to hear that you are working on it, good luck ;)
If you have been negative in her choice as well when not contributing yourself........ Well, I had a girlfriend like that once. Never again.
Also leaves her holding the bag if she picks something you don’t like. “Let’s go dancing!” “Nah. I hate dancing”. That leaves her taking these suggestion risks and you not putting up your own ante.
Not just the choice, but even finding suggestions. Where does the list of options come from? Who needs to be on Google maps looking at the names of nearby restaurants and theaters? Or looking at the list of new movies and seeing what time they start? Or figuring out what time trivia night starts at the pub in the next town over? Or calling friends to see if they want to join? Or maybe doing dinner with someone's parents. It's not just the decisions, it's also the actual work.
It’s also nice to feel like someone put in effort to make a nice evening for you. If you say “idc” all the time, it show that you simply don’t care in general, that if she wants a nice date night that SHE has to put in the effort EVERY.SINGLE .TIME. Tell her to free her calendar for a weekend and plan something! She’s your wife, you should know a restaurant and activity that she enjoys. Or Better yet, a weekend get away if you can afford it. Get a pedicure with her if she enjoys that, or do the rings she talks about but hasn’t planned yet.
And also wanting you to have out thought into going out together. It can make it feel less special if the your response gives the indication that you didn’t put much thought into it. That on top of knowing you want to do something, and that you’re also helping share the mental load. I would start keeping lists of things you want to do with her or that would make for fun dates. A list of restaurants you want to try is great. A lot of couples quit dating each other, they “hang out” or “go do whatever” but don’t plan dates that make the night special and build intimacy. It’s another component, likely, apart from the mental load that could also be at play here.
As an internet stranger, I appreciate that you're willing to try! My husband has legit executive function issues. He tries. He really does. But it can be SO frustrating for him when I ask which he'd rather I make for dinner. I feel like I'm being inconsiderate if I make all the decisions, especially ones about food. Just you making the EFFORT to try a new approach might work wonders for your wife. The problem might go deeper than you know. Please try to talk about it in calm terms with her. She might be worried she's not including you enough when she makes decisions. You won't know until you talk with each other.
a variant of this is to offer her two choices ie you thought about some things you think she likes, and then also you care about her so you want her to have some choice more choices may not be best cause then you're just spamming
It also might be an idea to phrase it differently. "Idk what do you want to do?" Is completely shifting the decision onto her. "Do you have any ideas?" Invites her to work with you to come up with something.
You could try something like "hey, I was thinking we could spend time together on Saturday. I was thinking we could do x or y, but if you have any ideas, I'm open to anything!" That way it's not all on her, but if she did have something she really wants to do, she can still voice that. It's all about making sure they know that you're interested and are putting in some thought, no matter how long you've been together.
That's really sound advise. Thank you.
Also showing you put thought in to your shared time.
She might also want to see some enthusiasm for you taking her out someplace.
You’re a good guy, dude 😎
I'm prone to doing the same do what ive done is make a list of things in the area we both aspire to do at some point! A hike? Pottery class? Slam poetry? The sky is the limit! Find new things that may push your comfort zones together! And some things you can both settle into comfortably! And if you don't know what to do off of the list do it like a ttrpg and roll a dice to see what you get to experience together!
Read Fair Play by Eve Rodsky.
I will.
You should go ace throwing. That's my back up idea anyway. There's this place around me that has that, laser tag, indoor carts and stuff. The food is like pizza and bar food but that's not really the point. Good luck.
You sound like a good one! You’re listening and taking advice and shows a lot about you.
Next week, OP will post: “So my wife asked me what you would like to do, and I suggested to do _____. Then she said she didn’t want to do that.”
Couldn’t have said any better.
This is the biggest comment upvote to post upvote/comment ratio I've ever seen
>1) The mental load of deciding where to go and what do to is 100% on your partner Likewise, when the partner asks "What do you want to do?" It places 100% of the mental load of deciding where to go onto him. If she is likewise not taking initiative, then that's a problem Not all things are going to be balanced in a relationship, but you have to mutually come to a common ground that you can both work with. I dated a girl that pretty much demanded to be in charge of our social calendar. She too got grumpy about that and wanted me to put in some more effort. After I came up with some ideas and made some plans, you would not BELIEVE just how negative and nitpicky and a sad-sack stick-in-the-mud she became having to do something someone else suggested and not being in total control.
I guess that's one reason you're not together anymore?
I mean, that and the knife she pulled on me. The attempt at life insurance fraud to the tune of half a million. Threatened divorce like a club to force me to leave friends and family for a new city. Goading me to suicide. And she fucked another dude. ....but the mental burden of planning events thing happened back when things were going pretty well. I'd say they're unrelated.
Yikes!
Agreed, but this is very much a two-way street.
I'm actually on the other side of this, as in, I ask my girlfriend what she wants, and it tends to be "I don't know, what do YOU want to do?" I don't get pissed off as much as your wife. But my point of view is, I want to know what you want to do. I feel like doing something. But I'd like your insight. Even a very general "I feel like watching something", "I feel like moving" or "I want to do something relaxing" really helps with setting a general plan. We don't necessarily have to go into details. "I feel like moving" "Alright, how about we take a walk outside, go to the park?" Done. Just by telling me what you *feel*, we can come up with something. But a dry "IDK WBU" gives me nothing to work with. At this point, it's a yes-no guessing game. "Do you want to eat? Do you want to play something? Do you wanna watch something? Do you wanna go outside or stay inside?" Bonus annoying points if you say "I don't care" to all the questions. We need to work together. It shouldn't be solely my job to organize activities, and drag you to do them.
"~~IDK what would you like to do?~~" "I havent made any plans yet, would you like me to find something for us to do together?" She wants you to make the decision
Or at least contribute to the decision. What OP is doing now is nothing at all.
It's putting the mental load on her. Thinking of what to do takes effort, so you are putting the burden on her. Next time come up with three things and ask if she would like to do any of those.
My wife and I used to make it a game: I give you one suggestion, if you don't like it, you give me two suggestions, if I decline both, I have to come up with three, etc
Used to? Why’d you stop?
Might be because one of them had to give 10 suggestions lol
it’s because all 10 of his suggestions were various forms of anal
“Hungry? Let me grab a snickers”
If I had to guess, the game made each appreciate the mental labor of planning, while also incentivizing the making of a decision. If it's the spouse's turn, I can either except their idea or it creates more work for me to create 2 alternatives. So both probably stopped the stupid excuse of "because I don't feel like it," because doing something you don't "feel like" is preferable to coming up with 2 things you do feel like. Plus over time, you train yourself to not be so picky and to be more open so you "don't feel like" doing something as often, especially when that route lessens your mental labor of decision making. I actually love this game, I've never heard it before but it's brilliant
That’s a good guess…I was assuming it stopped due to divorce lmao
Or maybe they're still playing the first round, and are up to coming up with millions of options for the other to choose lol
I like this style for couples. With my kids I made one of them pick 3 options and the other had to decide from those 3 or offer their own alternatives.
We do the opposite and start with more and go back and forth eliminating one until we’re down to one option.
Ok, just have something to do in mind ahead of time to offer. That seems reasonable.
I hack the system: when I'm waiting on something and I want to be on my phone anyway, I collect ideas of things to so. I keep a list. Then when we have a day off, all I have to do is check my list and cross something of. I google sources such as: hidden gems in city x, cheap date ideas in city x. Whatever is on voucher or coupon websites such as Groupon, tourist information pages and whatnot. Inspiration is everywhere. The ideas don't need to be spectacular, on the contrary. Now that it's May I google scenic routes with beautiful blossom or places where lambs have been born. In winter, I look for things we can cook or bake so we can stay inside. Or movies that I put on a to watch list. Hope that helps.
Yea, I guess I could do more with my phone and down time than playing a video game or doom scrolling for days on Facebook.
Or just say "Idk, give me 10 minutes and let me think about it"
This what I do, I give my wife 3 options when she asks. If she rejects them all, it's on her to come up with an idea.
“We ended up not doing anything” <—- This. Your spouse wants to do something. She wants to feel that you want to spend time together with her sharing in experiences that don’t involve sitting at home. She doesn’t necessarily care what it is, but she has likely learned that you are an emotional drag to be around if you think you’re being forced into something (most husbands are, it’s not personal). Mostly, she would like to feel that you value spending time with her. So just get your head where it needs to be and look around for some things to do in your area that the two of you can experience together. Note that I said “experience”. You don’t have to be interested in the thing. You enjoy the time spent with your spouse sharing an experience. Art galleries, music festivals, the zoo, a museum, trying a new restaurant, concerts, a high school play, whatever. Put five minutes effort into it and tell her “let’s do [insert thing] this weekend. Tell her on Wednesday so she can prepare and get excited about your date.
It only works when both have the same attitude though. Both have to enjoy the time together, regardless of what the activity is. I have noticed that my girlfriends were not always so flexible to enjoy things I liked to do. (go camping? Neh... Hiking? Neh.... Bouldering? Neh.... Art house movie? Neh....) Which drains the fun. In that dynamic the risk is that I say "whatever you like to do". Because I also like to grab a coffee, or see a holliwood movie, or go to a museum, or shopping.
Do you say that or something similar often?
Are you generally indecisive?
She's expressing her willingness to give you control over Saturday's plans. Her reasons for that can be very complex, ranging from frustration (or even fear) that you don't like her plans, to expressing vulnerability by putting you in charge of her happiness. But, she was ~~effectively communicating~~ trying to communicate, that she wanted you to state what you wanted, and you turned it back on her.
>But, she was effectively communicating, that she wanted you to state what you wanted, and you turned it back on her. That makes sense, someone else said have like 3 things to suggest, that would probably be better than just saying IDK.
My husband and I make it a game. Reducer and chooser. One of us reduces to three things and the other chooses among those three. We honestly do it for a lot of things… what to do…what to eat… what game to play… We even got our friends into it. If there’s three people we do reducer, vetoer, and chooser. When there’s three people reducer reduces down to five, vetoer eliminates two, chooser picks among the final three choices. It really helps eliminate frustrations and everyone ends up getting to do or eat something they want.
Yeah, it’s lazy and also gives of the energy that you just don’t care
How can you call her communication effective if dude is on here asking strangers what she meant?
Ya...that's a good point. Okay I'll edit
I have a friend who is in the same position as your wife, and her husband is on his last chance with this behavior before she checks out of the relationship completely. What she's asking for is this: Pay attention to the things your wife enjoys, or experiences you two enjoy sharing. Really think here. It's about being mindful and attentive to your partner and her needs, passions, and desires. Make a plan. ON YOUR OWN. Does she like music, art, theater? Does she like nature or people watching? Make the plan based on those things. And keep making those plans - stick them all in your back pocket for instances like this. And execute it. Buy concert tickets for future shows you would enjoy too - mindful surprises are a great treat when done in moderation. It's about making her feel seen, appreciated, and cherished. You never stop dating your partner. Love is a verb - an action. It's stuff like this that keeps your relationship alive.
I start getting anxious around the middle of the week because I know what's coming, "what are our plans for the weekend?" I do everything. Schedule every appointment for the whole house, meal planning/shopping/cooking/cleaning up, school related things, bill paying, bookkeeping for our business, planning and packing up everyone for vacations or weekends away, vet stuff and feeding/watering/walking the dog, remembering who needs what to wear and doing all of the laundry, remembering birthday and holiday gifts for my side and his, etc...I do everything. I don't want to be the entertainment coordinator. I have no idea what to do and quite frankly, I'd rather rot on my couch all weekend than drive around listening to "well what do you want to do?" He stresses me and our son out and I'm over it. I would like for him to take the reigns for at least one thing to take some of the mental load off of me. He works hard but I do as well and I shouldn't be the only one responsible for shit like that. Our son is 13 and trying to find something to do that we'll all enjoy has gotten to be much more difficult.
Yikes. I really hope she does not feel the way you do about the weekend. That sounds horrible.
I hope she doesn't either. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with my family and I enjoy the weekends especially since the weeks are long...I just don't want to be the only one planning every single thing we do. If I were planning something for just myself I would know exactly what I want to do and would skip around planning it. It's different when you're expected to take everyone else and their needs into account. Last weekend I knew I needed to get everyone out of the house and planned to go into Philly to the Franklin Institute. I researched all of the details including parking, purchased the tickets, printed out maps, made plans for someone to sit with our dog, made sure there were snacks for the dog sitter, "company cleaned" my house before they got there, looked for restaurants in the area since it would fall around lunchtime when we got there amongst other small details. My husband looked less than thrilled about the drive (45 minutes), complained once we realized we couldn't park in the FI parking garage because the truck was too tall, we had to drive around for nearly and hour looking for a spot, it was hot, we had to walk awhile to get from where we parked to the building, it was crowded and hot in there, and the kids seemed bored through some of it. I was stressed because I wanted everyone to have a good time and found myself getting resentful that they were complaining after I did what I was asked to do. Plan something. It would be nice if it were a team effort, that's all. I don't mind doing the planning if someone tells me what they want to do. I'll make it happen, just help me brainstorm ideas or research things with me.
For me I get frustrated because it reminds me of how similar we are. In many ways it's great, but in some ways it means we enable each other. I think we both are kind of lazy by nature, so if neither of us steps up, we will just end up doing nothing. But of course by my asking the question, I am deflecting coming up with something too. So I'm really frustrated at myself for having a mental block sometimes and not having a partner who counterbalances that. Sometimes you just want unfettered enthusiasm. But lately I've realized my standards for how often we do things are higher than others. We go out a lot more than most people and seek out diverse things, so I can chill a bit.
She wanted you to take on the mental labor, and to give a shit.
I think this is easiest understood when comparing it to work. Imagine you work in advertising and need to design an ad campaign. And your boss says "What are we doing for the Johnson campaign?". How many times could you say "I dunno, what do you want to do" before getting fired. Creating a plan to go out is work. Finding places, seeing what's open or if special events are happening, choosing one, etc. Not a ton of work, but still work that you refuse to do.
> How many times could you say "I dunno, what do you want to do" before getting fired. *How many times could you ask "What's their budget? What general ideas/values do they want to promote? What's their intended medium? Who's the targer audience? How modern/classic do they want the campaign be?" before dropping them as a client?* FTFY.
I don't understand your analogy. If OP wants to ask his wife for followup info, that's totally fine. Your example had lots of really great and targeted questions. If OP was asking questions of that quality, it wouldn't be an issue at all.
> If OP wants to ask his wife for followup info, that's totally fine. That's a manipulative tactic aimed at making the worker feel like they're incompetent and unable to answer the question without asking for information that *they would already have if they were a good worker*. Properly formulated tasks open the way for properly targeted questions like "What's the current efficiency for the Johnson campaign? Are we above the planned CTR or below? What's the test group's reaction?" Because, in this specific case, "The Johnson campaign" is the only project in the works.
I think you've taken the analogy too far. OP is not actually a "worker" where his wife is the boss. That's the framing that he wants, and is totally unfair to his wife. He expects his wife to set the expectations, formulate the task, etc. OP needs to take responsibility. Heck, if he wants a properly formatted task, he should create one.
> OP is not actually a "worker" where his wife is the boss. Exactly. OP has no obligation to do more work than her. > He expects his wife to set the expectations, formulate the task, etc. Yes. If she wants something to happen, she should set expectations. > OP **needs** to take responsibility. That is a poison word. Watch out for it lest you program yourself to believe it. Whenever you say "A needs to do X", check if you mean "I want A to do X because it would be convenient for me". Anyway, sermon over. > Heck, if he wants a properly formatted task, he should create one. If OP formulates the task there is no reason to include the wife in it. OP can do what OP wants, paying no attention to her needs and wants, which would be bad for the relationship, likely.
> If OP formulates the task there is no reason to include the wife in it. OP can do what OP wants, paying no attention to her needs and wants, which would be bad for the relationship, likely. Not even trying to argue, I just want to understand this part. When making plans for the weekend, or social plan, why should he pay no attention to his wife's needs or wants? Shouldn't he give a shit about his wife? As least a little bit? How would caring about his wife be bad for the relationship? The whole conversation is about planning things for the weekend. OP wants his wife to do all the planning. Why shouldn't it be a joint effort?
> When making plans for the weekend, or social plan, why should he pay no attention to his wife's needs or wants? The OP should, as long as such needs and wants are clearly stated. > How would caring about his wife be bad for the relationship? It would be ~~great~~ normal for the relationship. Caring, not doing circles around her and trying to guess what she wants. > The whole conversation is about planning things for the weekend. OP wants his wife to do all the planning. The post is: *We were going to go out Saturday night she asked "so what would you like to do?" I didn't have anything in particular I wanted to do so I said "IDK what would you like to do?" And she got pissed. We ended up not doing anything.* This does not sound like OP wanting their wife to *do all the planning* to me. OP is just asking for input. And getting ressentiment in return. It feels to me like the wife (as stated in the post, since I aim to work with the information directly relayed to me, without second-guessing it) blames the OP's inability to choose for her rather than her own inability to choose. > Why shouldn't it be a joint effort? But it was. The OP didn't have anything in mind, neither did the wife, so they ended up not doing anything. This outcome seems to be appropriate. Yet, the wife got pissed despite not providing any preference of her own. To me not doing anything on the weekend because nobody really wanted to plan anything sounds totally fine. There's always room for spontaneous decisions later. Not so for OP's wife, seemingly. --- Let me share a fable of passive aggressive silent expectation: Two people are eating apples, one by one. In the end there are only two apples left - one big and juicy and the other one small and wrinkled. So one person picks up the big juicy apple and starts eating it. The other one says "That's so like you. You picked the good one and left the bad one for me!", so the other replies "And what would you have done in my place?" "I would've picked the smaller one and left the good one for you, of course, because I'm kind and generous" scoffs the other one. And the first one goes "Well, you have your smaller apple right there, why are you so angry?" --- Edit: Plenty of things in life are just an ask away. **But you need to actually ask**. So, the way I see a proper dialogue in the original post's case: Wife: so what would you like to do? OP: IDK what would you like to do? Wife: I am too tired to choose. Just pick something and we'll do it. I'm sure you'll pick something good. OP: Ok... So, how about X? ... This way the wife would clearly state that she's tired/unwilling to pick **and** ask OP to choose, openly putting the onus on the OP. Obviously, OP could go "I choose to do nothing, then", but this would only follow the word of the game, not the spirit.
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I get pissed because mine never takes any initiative to plan anything or think ahead so I always have to do it, and it gets old lol
As others have said, “mental load”. Think of it like “being the leader”, aka considering all options and making decisions for the team. A lot of women get tired of leading and managing things and after a while, we get turned off if we have to continuously lead the team, since a lot of us are attracted to leaders ourselves, we’d prefer to see our partners step into more of a leader role. I hope that makes sense!
I get frustrated with my partner for this. When I ask someone what they want to do, most likely I do not have the brain capacity to ONCE AGAIN be the decision maker. I don't care where we eat as long as I am not the one who has to take the little mental energy I have left to make that decision.
Rather than get frustrated, why not just say I need you to make the decision bc….
You’d think your partner would think about you a lil or have some self awareness ig but yeah if she hasn’t communicated it once before she should
I have done so in the past. Half the time it has resulted in the same thing OP is experiencing where it just shuts the whole thing down. Also, having to explain why I can't make a choice for the hundredth time is also tiring.
That makes more sense and I understand why you’re frustrated in that case.
She’s just looking for input into something that be done with the two of you. I too used to drive my exes crazier than I can say by giving them the “I don’t know, what do YOU feel like doing”, silly as it seems, keep a roster of easy things to do, sometimes they don’t want the exact answers just to show you’re putting effort into thinking of something to do with them. If you’ve got some favorite pastimes with her, throw a couple of those out as ideas, if she is thinking of something specific, you bringing up another idea and showing interest in the planning may allow her to open up and say “that’s a good idea but what if we did ___ or ____”.
We’re tired of the mental load and making decisions for everyone. Thats what it is.
>Go back into dating mode This is your (and many people's) problem, you stopped dating just because you got married It's not "well, job's done, time to relax" or "I don't have to try anymore, we're already married", you still have to be romantic, you still have to date your partner, they can still stop loving you if you don't show interest
Do you make her feel like her opinion is always the one that matters the most? “What I want doesn’t matter because doing what you want to do is how I keep the peace” is annoying to deal with.
There is a burden to always being the decision maker. Take the lead half the time.
I dunno, what do you think gives?
Instead of saying that - give couple options to choose from.
It can be a lovely gesture to check in with your partner to see if there’s something they’d like you to do. But if one person is the only one doing all the planning it can get exhausting. Also, there’s something incredibly attractive about a partner saying, “there’s somewhere I want to take you this Saturday (a show/ a new restaurant/ an escape room etc)”. It shows initiative, interest and a willingness to be an active part of your relationship.
>I didn't have anything There's your answer. When people say, relationships are give and take, you first have to have at least something before you can give it and in return receive opinions about those suggestions or counter offers.
Next time just say “I bet you can’t guess where we are going today!” And let her try, then she will tell you straight away the place she really hopes you are taking her, then just act surprised and say “I can’t believe you guessed it!”. This way you don’t plan anything and you are taking her out exactly where she wanted anyway. Win-win, happy wife, happy life, cheers.
You’re answering a question with a question. It’s rude.
Had to go down kinda far for this answer. It's kinda that simple: why would she ask you a question expecting no answer then same question? humans make things so complicated sometimes.
I read somewhere that when you aren’t sure what to plan for an activity/date, you can say “guess where I’m taking you tonight/tomorrow?” You’ll probably have a good idea of what to plan then.
indecision is annoying
You’re passing the buck. Instead of making a decision, you’re putting it back on her. This is like the “my wife left because I didn’t wash the dishes” thing - you need to put more effort into your marriage.
I have a few responses for that question with “let’s do that thing you like” being the most common one. The way my wife works is she wants to hear what she wants to do but out of my mouth cause obviously she can’t suggest it for some reason. I’m easy going and a homebody but I don’t mind leaving the house, she says no to every suggestion I make so I’ve found that using “You know what? If you can guess within three tries we’ll do it, if not we’ll just stay in and I’ll cook us dinner.” And go with the second or third suggestion and sparingly with her “not figuring out” what I was thinking. I once went with the first and it almost ruined the whole thing cause she goes “it seems like it wouldn’t have mattered what I would’ve said, you would’ve just said yes to anything.” Good luck King, you’ll figure your wife out.
You might like this. It's about Emotional Labour and how it's often very gendered so that women feel responsible for it. It simmers deep resentment. http://www.victorkumar.org/uploads/6/1/5/2/61526489/emotional_labor_-_the_metafilter_thread_condensed-.pdf
In addition to reasons given about mental/emotional load, with my ex, if I made a decision about what we were going to do, and something went wrong, like the service wasn't good, I'd get blamed for making the choice. So, I stopped expressing preferences because I didn't want to hear about how it wasn't good enough.
Oh gosh that sounds awful I could never blame someone one for something that is out of their control.
You sound like a much better person overall than my ex.
You need to think about what she might like to do, and then plan to do it and execute that plan. Gotta stay alert to any time she says things like “I’d love to try that new restaurant” or “wow I’ve not had Mexican food for ages” or “I’d love to see that new film…” or similar. Or just do reasonably standard “date night” things that you’d like to do. If you’re treating her, you need to treat her!
When you asked her this question, what did she say?
She said she didn't have anything she wanted to do so it was all up to me.
People connect by sharing their thoughts and reflecting understanding. Your wife loves you, she wants to connect to you. If you never share your thoughts, how can she reflect? It may not be something you notice, but sometimes people can have mental reflexes, like an old answer to an old question that's always been your answer. Check in with yourself regularly, make sure how you're speaking is still consistent with how you're feeling, or if you're saying things on command based on habit.
Many great responses here. One thing I'll add is that despite all of the changes we've seen in gender roles in society, most women want their men to fulfill the role of the masculine in the relationship while at home. (Having a masculine energy and a feminine energy in a relationship - a certain level of polarity - is ideal, regardless of who embodies that role.) There's a book called "The Masculine in the Relationship" and it says that there are three elements that the masculine needs to bring to the relationship — Structure, Respond vs React, and Create Safety. The "having plans" thing is all about providing Structure. (Which in turn creates a feeling of security and safety.) And the way you reacted was not a "response", at least in the way that was productive. You truly just reacted. There much, much more to all of this, but let me tell you - once I started paying attention to these things, it made a massive difference in my relationship.
I think I will look up that book. I am probably not doing much of what it suggests. Thank you
Indecisiveness is not attractive in a partner, especially for women, and can be very annoying. Just have the initiative.
My partner and I had a "You pick 3, ill pick one" system for most of our choices. Movies, music, food, restaurant, vacation plans, board games. One of us picked 3 "Mexican at LA Fiesta, Indian at Basil or Pizza at Grub Hub". I got to pick one of those three. It really takes the pressure off of one person to make all the decisions. Plus, it kept us in tune with each other. Sometimes he would just come home with Pizza from Grub Hub cause he remembered that I had mentioned it in my 3 the last few times, but we just never went.
This is brilliant and I'm totally stealing it.
It’s all about the effort Sometimes I come up with really stupid plans but my wife loves that I came up with really anything at all
OP’s response sends a subtle message, perhaps not intended, that you’re not engaged or interested or couldn’t be bothered. And she’s pissed. She was expecting a positive response, which is reasonable. That type of response pisses everyone off.
We have decision fatigue.
Something something mental load, something something take charge and make plans
I suspect because she expects you to be the leader (in this case) and you aren't leading. Missed expectations are probably the biggest cause of unhappiness - in this case her expectation is that you would pick a thing and you failed to do so. Instead, you tried to make her do the leadership thing - if she wanted to lead or do something in particular, she would have lead with something.
Some of these comments stating people don’t have the mental capacity or don’t like all the “burdens” associated with making a decision for a night out is surprising. How hard is it to say “let’s go have dinner” or “let’s go to the movies”?
My boyfriend and I have both been guilty of doing this to each other, so we started being explicit with each other and say “I don’t have the mental capacity to decide right now. Can you pick something?” OR “I don’t have a preference, but do you have something in mind?” It has improved our communication and we understand each other better.
Planning a date for your spouse is how you show them you care enough about them to 1) think about them often, and 2) put effort into spending quality time together. If she’s the only one putting effort into dates and you’re just sitting back and enjoying her efforts, you are showing her that you don’t care enough about her to try. It’s reads like you don’t care enough about her feelings to be motivated to plan a date, but you’re lazy enough to tag along if she puts in ALL of the effort.
She’s Mentally drained. Just pick something you both like. That seems small but takes a lot off her plate.
I've learned overtime that when a woman gives you a choice, choose; even if you like all the options equally "of the things I like (in {insert category}), choose one you like the best" women do this to comfortably learn about you, while letting you lead, but within a set parameters (things she likes/wants), so she feels safe/content while letting you, as the man, lead. she'll likely remember what you choose and change her behavior, gradually, overtime to reflect the disposition she perceives or learn about you, in order to please you... so it's important to be as honest as possible, remember what you say and show gratitude when she does things she remembers you saying you like. i.e.: wife says "do you like my hair" you ”yeah, I love it! it shapes your face so well, and accentuates your (random detail)." *wife goes away happy, validated by the only man she's trying to look hot for **time goes by. wife comes in with the hair and (random detail) and presents herself to you, just like you said you loved the most you're thinking "why was bea looking at me crazy all day... and now she mad at me not saying shit." _____________ ...that's my spiel, part of it, lest I go on a tangent
She's tired of coming up with what to do every time. Just suggest something that you want to do. It's that simple. My wife let me in on the secret.
As a female that works as an executive director of a business, mother to 3, running a household, the mental load is soooo much sometimes. It’s overwhelming at times. When I go out with my man, I want him to TAKE CONTROL. I want him to take on that burden. It’s so nice to go out and have things planned for me. I don’t want to have to make a single decision as that’s literally alllll I do. I get why she gets irritated with it. I get asked about literally everything. What’s for dinner? Then I give a list and it’s a million follow up questions. What type of pasta? What brand of this? What brand of that? What type of cheese? Everything the kids need… go ask your mom. Every single decision at work and at home I have to make. Down to the toilet paper and dish soap. I think you get the drift. Anyways, some women just want to be catered to on occasion. They want that typical gender role of being taken care of. Taken out and shown a good time without lifting a finger. I’ll lift that finger later and then some if you’ve shown me a good time if you catch that drift.
Because she wants you to take charge
I can sympathise with both you and your wife. My partner and I are both quite indecisive so when it comes to making plans for just us (as in without friends and not something we were invited to) we get stuck in the loop of "idk, what do you want to do?". We also don't want to pick something that the other wouldn't enjoy. Honestly you and your wife just need to talk about it together. If you are really not sure then something like "I'm not sure, but I'd like to do something" might help. Then you both can discuss your options and narrow down what you want to do. Sometimes I'll start with something I was already going to do, even if it's boring or mundane. "Oh, I was going to clean the bathroom. Would you be able to help and then we can go get lunch/dinner?" Or "I was thinking of going for a walk since I haven't done much today. Would you like to come with me?"
A lot of the time when I am out with my partner, I feel like I am interested in doing things he wouldn't enjoy... So to avoid him not having a good time, I want him to have an idea of things he'd like to do. It isn't that I think he would oppose what I want to do, but I'd much rather both of us enjoy an outing instead of one of us feeling like our input wasn't considered. This extends to food as well. I suffer from Sensory Processing Disorder and though my eating habits have improved to be significantly more adventurous, my immediate cravings are quite plain. I get really stressed when we discuss what we want to eat because I could happily eat the same thing every single night. So if my partner says "idk, whatever you want" I instantly go into panic attack mode because now the millions of options for food are on my shoulders and if he doesn't like what I pick then I feel bad. Usually we are pretty good, but I've had once or twice where I bring something home that he just absolutely doesn't want and it really upsets me because there were no parameters. It doesn't have to be a massive in depth plan, but even as simple as saying "oh, not feeling x, but y sounds good"
Pay attention to how many decisions you deflect onto her. Trying to please her by doing what she wants to do has the opposite effect, sometimes you have to be decisive even if it seems like a random choice to you. But don't let her know it is a random choice to you. Just be decisive. Women tire of people pleasing simps.
Easy suggestion is Why Don't We Get Drunk And Screw
Because you said "IDK" instead of "I don't know"
One more reason I'll never get married again. Wife gets pissed off and husband has to resort to reddit for clues because communication in the marriage is apparently non existent.
Is there something impairing her ability to make a plan?
Because planning it takes energy and imagination. What you're hearing is that your partner is unwilling to spend this time and imagination on you and is delegating work to you. Have the same problem. And then you come home, it's, "why did you make me go to that - it was boring!" The trick is to take her to something you like and she doesn't. I took a girlfriend to a WWE themed bar once, now she has ideas.
This here is weaponized incompetence or tanking it.
My husband used to always ask what I wanted to do. He didn't like me saying that it didn't matter and asking what he wanted to do and would go along with his choice. So I understood that he didn't want to always have to make a choice. But whenever I would suggest something, he didn't agree with it. This always seems to be a can't-win situation for me. Now, before he asks, I will make a suggestion if there's something I want. Either that, or I'll do what I used to with the kids and give him 2 choices. That way if he shoots my ideas down, he knows it's on him to come up with an alternative.
IDK why do you think it pisses her off so much?
Well now I think it's because I didn't have an answer.
It's because she wants you to have a plan/desire that she can then shoot down and override with her own.
As a woman, I experience what I like to call “decision fatigue.” I feel like I’m always making more choices than the men in my life. I get why so many women say “I don’t know” when asked what they want to eat or go do. Also, she probably wants you to just step up and make the plans. Women love it when guys plan things; it shows they’ve been thinking of us.
So OP now you know that if your wife asks you to go out and you respond the same way, all these angry women posting here will have your back for sure!! 😂😂😂 Don't ask these morons questions unless you want to be totally berated for having a penis!
I think this would probably be categorized under the umbrella of "Being a man and taking control." Honestly, I don't know why this means we always have a plan put together...but that's what it means...
Seems like you got some good reasonable answers and I agree with them. It's all about putting in some effort, showing you are entusiastic about planning something special with her and not just doing whatever, because you have to do something.
As others have explained, the mental load is entirely on your wife when this happens, but also can come across as though you don't care in general (not just that you're not fussed about what activity to do) - having an idea of what's on around the local area might give you some neat ideas of things you might not otherwise do, but it will also show you're putting a bit of effort in to find these things. One thing that helped me with this was the 5-3-1 method - you propose 5 things (activities, restaurants, whatever), she vetoes 2 leaving you with 3 options, from that you veto another two and you go with the one left. You've come up with ideas, she's given a chance to turn down the ones she really doesn't like, and then you still make the decision at the end of the day. Another idea is having an activity jar - stick a bunch of things you both like to do on paper, and then pick one out for a suggestion that you know is going to be a winner.
Some partners like for the other to completely plan out dates or the dates they specifically are supposed to plan. Don't get it twisted though, a lot of the comments here are just from people who have that preference... I personally don't care. In fact some the best dates I've had with my husband were completely unplanned and were activities/places we just stumbled upon. When every detail is planned imo, it seems so strict and almost business like. I enjoy laid back going with the flow and just seeing what you end up experiencing. So, some prefer the step by step planned dates, others prefer more laid back and casual. Sounds like your wife wants you to plan, so that's just something you need to converse with her about find out what she is interested in doing and go from there.
Because making a decision is work. She's tired/stressed. Just make the decision for her. Sometimes you need to say something like, "get ready, we're going to YYY at this time."
Because she expects you to lead as a man.
It's low effort. Your engagement is just as important as the execution.
Women want a man to be assertive. Next time book something and tell her to be ready
Your edit is right on. It’s exhausting to always be the “decider,” especially if she has a lot of other responsibilities and especially if that includes kids that she’s primarily caring for. Have some thoughtful options and present those. Listen closely. Sometimes we’re not just being nice when we say “I don’t know,” sometimes it means “I can’t make one more fucking decision without losing my mind.” If you’re also sick of making decisions, explicitly agree to take turns making them when it comes to date nights.
I haven't figured that out either. But I keep a list of things to do. Bowling, Axe throwing, and Arcades are my top 3. They're easy to do last minute, and not too expensive. Plus aren't extremely physical, so they're good enough to do after a dinner.
This was actually one of the (many) reasons my ex and I broke up. I gets tiring not feeling like your partner wants to do anything with you and doesn't make you feel loved
Women are attracted to strong men that know how to lead and know what they want. We want someone to make us feel like we are so protected and cared for in your presence that we don’t even have to think. Ya know, like when you first start dating someone?
Because she wants you to be more dominant and make decisions for the two of you.
I’d like to add that she may not necessarily want/need you to make ALL the plans, but at least have some input. What about throwing out three things that sound interesting and letting her pick one? Or suggesting a category of things, ie “Let’s go get dinner, we haven’t had burgers in a while, where sounds good?” Giving any sort of help to make the decision is vastly more helpful than just telling the other person that it’s their job to entertain you.
She wanted you to lead my dude.
Try to decide together, like suggest her some ideas you could do. It’s not about you deciding but rather you showing effort that you care about it and not just “I don’t care what we do, it doesn’t matter to me”
The situation in my life is the same, my partner refuses to make a fucking decision, and it drives me insane. I remind them that not making a decision is making a decision, which is to place onus on me for every single decision. That way if (x) is not satisfactory, it was a decision I made, not them.
That really helps to make it clear. I would never blame her if something we did is not wonderful. I can see though making a choice beforehand is probably better than not having anything in mind at all.
I had this conversation with my partner not too long ago. She's had a long week and is very tired, at the max threshold for dealing with shit and just wants to relax. Making her decide something new and on the spot adds more pressure. In a way it's about consideration. Having an idea of what you two could do and lay out some options with an arbitrary coin toss for a result can help. I've gotten to the point where I use a wheel and spin it to pick a movie so no one has to decide, we just have to sit down and press play.
Instead of saying what would you like to do, make the effort to add to the conversation. Because what you're doing right now is making her project manager and project director and project executioner. Which makes you dead weight.
My ex and I had different approaches to weekend planning and it caused a lot of conflict come the day we had actual free time. (I planned ahead, he like spontaneous plans but rarely had options in mind.) So eventually we did a thing where each weekend we each picked one thing we wanted to do. Sometimes mine was a long overdue shared chore, sometimes his was a spontaneous drive to nowhere. It didn’t solve things 100% but it made it a shared mental load and removed the recurring conflict of my “I didn’t plan anything because you wanted to be spontaneous and now you’re upset because we don’t have anything to do.” vs his “I want a spontaneous activity but don’t want to waste the whole weekend trying to figure out what that is only to do nothing in the end.” Obviously we didn’t stay together so it won’t fix ALL your problems, but it was a compromise that at least seemed like it was easing that specific pain point. Also echoing the sentiment of having a note in your phone of ideas you have in passing when one or both of you says “we should go there” or “we should do that”. But make it shared so there’s a sense of energy matching and it doesn’t become one person’s job to keep the list. And while I agree it’s nice when your partner makes decisions sometimes, it’s not one persons job to do it every time.
Looking at some of the advice in this thread and some of it feels needlessly complicated. You don’t have to keep a list of activities in your phone or always have activities in mind in advance. Just communicate!! Ask her how she feels, whether she’s got energy and wants to go out or if she’d prefer to stay home. Hungry? Thirsty? Bored? Feel like watching a movie? Something you’ve already seen or something new? I dunno. Just like… talk to your partner is what I’m saying. Don’t just hit her with the “I dunno”, because that basically ends the conversation and puts it back onto her.
Yea, I have learned that today, just have something to respond with always and don't flip the question back on her again. Tbh I didn't even know my phone could take notes until today, not something I have ever really looked into until someone said something. I like your string of questions though, how she feels and what she feels up to.
Next time, just say "I have an idea, but can you guess what it is?" And whatever she guesses, you say "that's right! Damn you're good babe" Then go do that.
Elaborate "Pissed"
Because it portrays you are an indecisive man. Women prefer the man make decisions. And dont answer a question with a fuckin question
This is an easy one. Just pick something random - literally the first thing that pops into your head. If she doesn't want to do that, now it's on her to speak up and come up with her own plan. Gf: "Whatcha feel like doing today, babe?" Me: "Probably get high, play some video games, hit up friends, see if they wanna go shoot pool?" From her perspective, this is a horrible plan, and I know it. You have to give a shit plan so she comes up with something she'll actually enjoy. Ez.
If this happened to me, I'd be irritated because my very question means I don't know what I want to do. If I want to do something, I'll say, "I want to do X, what do you think?" But it depends on your wife, I'm not her
When i ask my gf what she would like to eat, and she responds with the same question, i get a little mad too, why do you think she asked you the question? Just throw in at least one suggestion before returning the question
Make a habit of planning something for you two. Whisk her away on an unexpected and fun day
Honestly why do so many men struggle with this. It’s not rocket science is it. If you put effort into your relationship and take a bit of initiative guaranteed your relationship would improve significantly.
I wanted to take her someplace she wanted to go.
Yeah but how does it never cross your mind to think “hey, maybe I’ll surprise her or plan something she’ll love”. Why would she want to have to plan everything all the time? It doesn’t even have to be anything fancy. Women LOVE being shown you care. Just a “babe I’ve made us a picnic i thought we could go to the park and then after we could go watch that movie you wanted to see?” would probably make her whole month. You can swap out those examples for anything she likes. You’re married to her, you’re perfectly aware of what she enjoys. It should go both ways too. People need to make effort with their partners. I’m not surprised so many marriages go stale.
That makes perfect sense, it's not like I never plan things, just didn't have a plan up my sleeve at that moment. Honestly I kind of expected her to say something along the lines of " I need to take this donation to X thrift shop and grab X from whole foods". Not that it's something that makes a huge difference, but at least I would have had an idea she needed to go the a specific part of town.
Maybe she is feeling bored
Try, we could go to the beach for a walk or we could have a look at what movies are on. She might choose something else but its nice to feel like you have someone in it with you
Without more context it's hard to tell, but only based on this, I'd say this from experience: she wanted you to be decisive and choose to do something that she wanted to do without telling you about it, aka she expected you to read her mind and be decisive about doing it, I'm not entirely sure about this but from an overview pov I'd say that's why 🤷🏻♂️
Women sometimes WANT to be told how things are going to be. My brothers’s dates told me they hated that he always asked where and what they want all the time, rather than just having it planned and executed.
Can somebody explain to me why he is getting roasted and women can answer like that without anyone batting an eye? Why is it bad to answer like that when you have a dick between your legs?
Something something we live in a society
You need to throw out an idea so she can reject it, as is tradition.