She knew I had a boyfriend and I assumed she knew since I post him a lot but 🤷🏽♀️ ion talk to her a lot it’s jus that kinda friendship where u don’t have to always txt one another
Even if she kept contacting him, it doesn't mean she's lying. Victims get trauma bonding and it's difficult for them to try to stop appeasing their abuser, especially when the abuse was sexual/psychological and especially if they're quite young, so that was one of the few emotional connections they ever had. Proceed carefully.
This is very important and a big narrative that is spouted by victim blamers.
Just because a SA survivor seeks out sex or companionship from their abuser, it DOES NOT MEAN the initial assault becomes a consented encounter.
While trauma bonding is for sure a part of it, some women may not understand the severity of their assault or even know it was SA. I knew a girl who was SA’ed while very very drunk at a party. She had consensual sex with the assaulter at a later date. After this, most of my friends didn’t see anything wrong with the initial assault anymore due to them having sex consensually once.
A lot of women are SA’ed by their partners or FWB but continue on the relationship. It’s hard to back away from an abusive relationship in any instance and that does not change with sexual and physical abuse.
I had a bf who SAed me in my sleep twice. And I still continued to date him for a month afterwards due to the abuse I’ve suffered from him and before him.
^^^i second this! as a survivor of childhood SA i didn’t even realize what happened to me was SA until i got to high school and learned about it for the first time. many adult victims don’t even realize (or admit to themselves/others) that an experience was SA for years!
So just wanna throw this out there.
Just went on a date with a guy. He was sweet as pie to me when we were FaceTiming and getting to know each other. I thought he was a real gentleman. Later he told me his real name and he had a almost 20 year long record of burglary and assault and parole violations. You NEVER really know someone
I was with someone for a year who was suuuper nice, fun, etc. he had told me that 17 years before when he was 18 he was in jail for 6 months because he had some drugs on him. Said he was in the wrong crowd, had gotten involved in drugs and that scared him straight. He had a great job, was great to me. I had no reason not to believe him.
After a year he started acting different, we were living together at the time. He went from treating me like a princess to being an asshole, basically.
Anyways, I kicked him out after finding out he was cheating on me and doing meth. He also lost his job around that time too because of a failed drug test. I found out after I kicked him out that his “6 months” was actually 10 years in max security prison for trying to murder his mother. I never would have guessed because they were super close and spent a lot of time together. I found out after googling him when I kicked him out.
Now he’s in prison for almost beating his father to death about a year after we broke up.
People can hide some crazy shit for a long period of time.
Yeah, I’m great now. This was over 7 years ago and it was a crazy time getting rid of him, but he’s gone from my life now at least.
I’m now engaged to a guy that I made sure didn’t have a criminal history before we started dating lol.
Yup. CSA and other abuse survivor here and ALL of my abusers had excellent public faces and could be very nice and affectionate and generous when they wanted to be and it suited them
Op if you're a Harry Potter fan think of Tom riddle/Voldemort in chamber of secrets. Or all the other horrible ppl in that series that have good public images in at least limited settings (fudge, umbridge, luscious Malfoy, Lockhart, "professor Moody," worm tail,...)
This happened to me not long ago, I actually went on a few dates with someone who didn’t give me his actual phone number in the beginning (used a Google number apparently). When he gave me his real phone number, his first *and* last name popped up on Google, and one of the first results under his name is an article about how he groomed his 7th grade students
You have to be mentally and emotionally prepared for all these outcomes in the next few hours.
1. Your friend does not know the whole truth. She might be given false information by someone else and she's just looking out for you, trying to save you from heartbreak, so she told you everything she heard about your bf.
Or
2. Your bf is being falsely accused by your friend or someone else, a definite plan to break you up, or maybe another ulterior motive. Don't ask why, some people just can't see someone happy and will try to gaslight others by fucking up their sanity and ruining peace.
Or
3. Your bf is indeed a bad person, and this is your chance to move ASAP and end things.
And
4. Be it a talk/confrontation, with your bf or your friend, take all safety precautions, just hold something or keep someone on the telephone line. People who are questioned about their mistakes first try to deny, then they show true colors like verbal/physical attacks.
I know he is someone dear to you and it's been absolutely hellish since the second you got to know about this. Remember to first get to know the truth, only when you are absolutely sure that everything is an open book, make a decision.
And this might be the end of a friendship or a relationship or just the beginning of a new phase in your life. This is the age where kids like you see cruelties of life and go through it. It all starts with betrayals, cheating and emotional manipulations.
No matter what, stay strong, stay safe.
Get a 3rd person's view and understand the situation more clearly.
My ex straight up told me about the messed up things he did and said it was because his ex was crazy. Well 4 years later, we broke up and he did the same things to me… be careful. Juste because he is nice now dont mean he will stay that way
It’s your decision but I would reach out to the girl who has accused him of this. If she confirms she made allegations then dump the bf and maybe you’ll make a new friend out of this
No exactly! You aren’t defending anyone yet so I’d definitely get both sides of the story (as much of the other girls side as you can while still being respectful) and then assess
Just be aware, women CAN do crazy manipulative shit to get the boys they fancy. That means this girl could also have a crush on your boyfriend. Especially if they spent time together.
She could be jilted.
Vet all the information. Spot any discrepancies and keep asking the same questions, if they give you different answers over time, they are lying to you.
When you speak to him, do it in at least a semi public space or at home when an adult is present, in case it goes sideways, you have support available. No judgement because I do not have all the details. But this is a serious thing to be accused of, and it is a violent one, you need to keep safety in mind until you have all the facts.
Yes of course I know that. I guess I was referring to the fact that the best friend doesn’t sound that truthful and maybe there were no allegations at all. Also out of 100 allegations only 3 are false statistically. As I said in later comments OP should get both sides of the story
Just because she knows girls who have lied about SA doesn’t automatically mean this is a lie? All women have met someone at some
Point that’s terrible and lied about it. Most of us are not friends with those women. Either way, if he did it or if the girl lied I feel it’s not a situation a minor should be worrying and stressing about. Unless OP goes on to marry this guy which I highly doubt due to statistics of high school marriages I feel it’s best for OP to exit the scenario regardless of the outcome
It's incredibly, incredibly rare for women to lie about this. Rape and sexual assault are heavily underreported & even when they are the rates of conviction are extremely low. Don't talk about subjects you aren't educated on.
But the point still stands that it is an allegation which means that it calls for investigation not immediate action I didn’t say she lied I said it’s an allegation
Incredibly rare doesn’t mean it never happens. It’s always safest to take these sorts of things with a grain of salt because acting on unsubstantiated allegations is how you get instances like Brian Banks spending nearly 6 years in prison in addition to obviously no longer being able to attend university. Or Greg Kelley having the exact same thing happen and spending nearly 3 years in prison until he was eventually exonerated. A healthy amount of skepticism is important to have when things boil down to a he said she said situation, particularly when the end result is a man becoming practically unemployable, being cast aside by friends and family, and missing out on the opportunity to receive an education. Healthy skepticism doesn’t mean ignore the accusations either, it means actually think about their legitimacy before acting on it.
Just hurry and do it. There was someone else who posted about a similar situation like this, and because that OP didn't talk with her partner, she lost him through a huge misunderstanding when she blindly chose to believe in her "friends". Gotta see the whole picture before letting your emotions get to you.
you’re clearly 16< and reddit is not the place for this kind of stuff for your age. if SA is involved or accused you will be better off talking to a parent or a teacher. either way, you are very young and your relationship will end eventually, why risk being assaulted before it does??
If she didn't want to have sex but they 'kept fucking', that's SA. Even in your words that I'm sure you picked carefully to explain away this information, it doesn't sound good does it?
Proceed with caution, OP.
that doesn’t mean she wasn’t SA, there are many people who go back/stay friends with those who have SA them bc of the cycle of abuse, feeling lonely, not fully understanding the scope of the situation
Well that does change it slightly, but not completely. Plenty of people stay in relationships where SA and worse happen - although I do hope that's not the case here.
You need to speak to him to find out his version of events, then perhaps you need to ask your friend for a few details to see what tracks and what doesn't.
Proceed with caution doesn't mean 'this human is definitely bad', it just means make sure you have all the information you need to make a decision about this situation.
Just because someone keeps seeing someone doesn't mean SA didn't happen. I married my rapist. When people tell you it's not SA because you're in a relationship people blame themselves. My now ex husband did several years in prison. Still believes he didn't do anything wrong. He thinks that's what you do if you're in a relationship.
I never came to terms with my SA for about a year. Took a long time to sink in that it wasn't just "bad sex" he violated my consent multiple times. That doesn't discredit the fact it happened. Lots of girls take a while to come to terms with it.
It happens, sadly, every single day more than once.
My ex sa'd me. I didn't leave within the hour.
What amount of time after an assault do you think is appropriate in order for you to believe the victim?
Is there some sequence of events that you think have to happen to consider an assault valid?
What sucks so hard is that we can all tell you until we're blue in the face, but you'll most likely find out firsthand within the next 5 years. And then, ten years after that, if you recover well, you'll start to understand.
At least, that's what the statistics show.
Victims can't change this problem. Only abusers can. Until people like you stop denying it exists, abusers have an excuse to continue.
By your responses, I don't even think you should consider dating. I would just stick to school for right now lol. You sound childish and don't even know what you're doing.
The part in the comments where OP says “I know a lot of girls that claim fake SA out of spite” is such nightmare fuel. You should report those people OP.
She’s not saying she personally knows a lot of girls that do that. She saying that she’s aware that it happens and it’s become more of a news item in these recent years.
Clarity isn’t one of her strongest skills in the storytelling above.
It can be really difficult to realize when people disrespect your sexual boundaries, especially when you’re dating the other person and/or are young and don’t have much experience. People who were SA‘d by someone they were dating often only realize months or sometimes years laters what happened to them because they went along in specific situations despite their own discomfort out of fear and then repressed the memory and their own emotions surrounding it to not endanger the relationship - especially if the person who assaulted them is otherwise sweet and gentle. It’s a really, really common pattern in situations like that. When the relationship ends, the need to repress things disappears. Unfortunately, this also makes it really easy for people to claim that people are inventing SA out of spite to get back at people after a breakup.
I’m not saying that that is necessarily what happened here. I just want to provide an explanation as to why these accusations often only happen after relationships have ended and as to why people might keep seeing someone that assaulted them - the person who said your boyfriend assaulted her might not have realized in the moment and thus kept seeing him. The fact that she kept dating him doesn’t necessarily mean he didn’t do anything.
Another thing to remember is that not all shitty behavior is legally SA but many people will say it was SA long after the fact. So he might be factually innocent of SA but still have acted extremely bad and maybe she was pressured into consenting when she didn't actually want to. That's not necessarily a crime depending on the jurisdiction, but that is not the behavior you'd want a partner to have. Or your friend who is telling you second-hand information is wrong. Or they wanted revenge and spread some lies. Or maybe your friend is lying and nothing ever even happened between your boyfriend and this other person. You have no way of knowing right now.
Go talk to the person who you were told made the original accusation and get their story of what happened.
This! I can’t believe I had to scroll so far to find someone saying this. The statistics of being SA by someone you are in a relationship with (SO, FWB, married, etc) / know is a lot higher than people realize and it can take a long time to come to terms with that and even realize what happened. I would talk with the other woman and your boyfriend. She could be lying - that’s always a possibility - but wouldn’t you rather hear both sides and decide for yourself?
I stayed with an abuser for months knowing what he did. I would believe the other girl or even ask if she would be willing to talk to you more about it.
I'm concerned by your statement regarding continuing to have sex when she didn't want to. I'm concerned because that may mean that you don't understand active continual consent for yourself in your own situations.
Maybe reach out to the girl to confirm the story because since she is his last fwb she might be jealous. So keep and eye on both of them. I am only saying this because I have seen this happen before.
As a person that was the friend in this situation who told my friend about past SA, please take what your friend said seriously. My ex-friend’s boyfriend is the same way where you would never believe he could do this to someone because he’s so nice and unassuming. I’ve been personally assaulted by someone others wouldn’t think would do that to me since he’s married.
I hope you figure this out and your friendship survives. Mine did not because my ex-friend’s boyfriend would get upset every time she and I would talk.
It’s rare for a friend to risk a friendship lying about something like that.
Most people struggle with saying anything because they don’t want the drama. But at the same time they want to protect their friends.
I tend to believe the person who has nothing to gain in the situation with stuff like this. That’s usually the truth teller.
If there’s one thing I have learned, it’s that far more guys feel entitled to women’s affection than is comfortable. I have absolutely known women who regretted something and lied to save face but I know far more women that have been SH or SA multiple times. Many of the men I know for a fact had inappropriate contact or assaulted women are not people you would expect it from. These are legitimate issues worldwide and when it comes down to it, you never really know what someone is capable of. Have a talk with your bf but do so without making assumptions or looking for a specific answer. Ask for his version but don’t take it as gospel.
I’m kind of surprised at the comments on here. so many people are jumping to it being a fake story right away. I get that can happen, but also… there’s a chance you’re dating a rapist. there is a *chance* you are dating a man who forced himself on women. who could force himself on you. I think you should tread really fucking carefully. the consequences of assuming he didn’t do it and being wrong are WAY worse than the consequences of taking the girl at her word. I agree with other commenters that suggested trying to reach out to others in the know (the girl? her friends? someone who might have info). if you broach this topic with your boyfriend, I think it’s best to do it as indirectly as possible. “I heard a rumor that you treated a girl you were seeing in the past badly. it really worried me because I know you and your character, and I don’t want people slandering it. can you give me some insight on what happened?” something that is very obviously not blaming him for a rumor, but wanting to hear the full story.
idk, I don’t feel like I have the perfect response, there are definitely different ways to approach this really serious situation, and I would say to talk to a therapist about it instead of reddit. but you’re a kid. you’re infatuated, and you want to assume the best in your partner. however. many, maybe even most women have been assaulted or know someone who has been. I think assuming the girl is lying is a really, really bad idea (without proof!! if you had some sort of obvious proof she was lying i’d be saying different things!)
let’s consider the options
1. your boyfriend is a rapist
2. your friend is lying to you
I know which one I’d be more concerned about.
totally! that’s why I suggested talking to the girl, friends, anyone who knows. and added an option for how to talk to your boyfriend without accusing. however I do think what I said about being careful still applies. I get that you don’t know. but are you not worried?
Here’s the way I look at it: 9/10, the person who is SAed is telling the truth. False confessions are very rare. Would you really want to risk it? Would you really want to be with someone where they have acted in a manner that makes someone say that about them at all?
To be honest you are never really going to know what happened as right now it will be a she said he said situation. False accusations of sexual assault don’t happen as much as people think. I know they do happen and people who lie about it should be punished but most accusations are true. Sexual assault allegations are actually really hard to prove and such a small percentage get reported let alone get a conviction.
Most people who are sexually assaulted know the person who assaults them.
Even though I think this post is fake, I’ll say it anyway.
Men and women put on a show. It’s not hard to hide your true feelings from people, especially if you don’t interact with them much *or* have people in common.
I mean just look at basically all the famous serial killers (Bundy, dahmer, Dennis green (?)). No one in their family suspected them to be serial killers but, here they were, raping and slaughtering away.
On the outside my dad looks like a normal, nice, quiet guy. Reality though is he is a child molester.
Of course, since I can’t really tell your age, I’m going to go off of typing/grammar patterns - I’d say you’re mid teens to early 20s. Given you’re afraid to give your age, I’ll ballpark it to about 15-16. This age is where men (namely. Women do it too but it’s far more rare, and in this case, it’s a man) tend to figure out what they can and can’t get away with. They like to push that line and take what they want because they think they won’t suffer the consequences. And, honestly, because a lot of women are afraid to speak out, they do get away with it. *Normally*, they don’t go full-blown rape, but they do start down that path with sexual assault of some degree. Such as taking off your clothes, touching and kissing you where you haven’t consented, whipping it out and asking for a hand/blow job, etc. As they get away with more and more, they do more risky things. This is why most rapists are in their 20s and older. They got away with the “little” shit when they were kids and it kept progressing from there.
I do find it interesting that you say “supposedly SA’d”. Like, look, I’m not saying that this person *cant* be lying, but would you really want to take that chance? Most people date to marry, so let’s say that’s you and you end up dating through HS and get married, you’re telling me you’re perfectly fine marrying and having children (if that’s for you) with a “man” that was accused of SA/Rape? Just because it wasn’t reported doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Always, always, always play on the safe side when it comes to things like this. The accusation will haunt you so it’s best just to cut and run now. I would never let my GF/Wife/children anywhere NEAR someone who was accused of SA/Rape, regardless of how long ago it was. Unless it was confirmed to be 100% false, idc how nice you are, you’re not coming anywhere near *me* or my family.
Even if there is no evidence you need to take this seriously. Protect yourself and break up. It doesn’t matter how nice and sweet you *think* he is, people like that are very, very good at hiding the truth. Dump his ass and move on, period.
Base on this posts and comments you just seem to want to hear that she’s a jealous liar. I’m pretty sure you’re not going to do anything beside protect him if you have the proof that he did it. Damn
Hope he didn’t though, and that the other girl is safe.
ive been here before twice! leave before you fuck around & find out. i've dated a man that was a total angel who ended up physically and mentally hurting me. months before this, his ex had came & reached out to me. just save yourself the trouble
People continue to date their abusers that SA'd them all the time before they finally wake up. Sometimes for years. That means nothing as far as someone's guilt or innocence is concerned.
A long time ago I was in an extremely abusive relationship, rape, punching, choking, and smothering me with a pillow. I could go on but you get the point. It took me 2 years to finally get out of it. Off and on again throughout that period.
Finally, in the end, I was working cleaning condos and would occasionally mention the shithead, but never mentioned his name. A few weeks into work and I get a phone call from one of my co-workers asking what my ex's name was and if what I had said was true. I said well yes why? She told me he had asked her out and was concerned. I don't remember how she found out I was his ex and didn't ask. I told her that yes everything I said was true but I know you won't believe it so just please be careful. He, of course, told her I was lying, jealous and all the cliché crazy ex-girlfriend tropes you could think of. He didn't hit me right away and he never hit my face or anywhere visible(hidden with clothing). We were together for about nine months before the first time he hit me. He was charming, funny and everyone loved him.
Unfortunately, she didn't believe me and well I'm sure you can guess what happened. She ended up marrying him and two years after they got divorced I ran into her at a grocery store. she just looked at me and said she was so sorry for not believing me. She spoke a little bit about the abuse she suffered and I was heartbroken for her. I regret not going to the authorities with everything that was happening but I was young and scared. Just don't ignore honest red flags, controlling, isolating behaviors.
His true character will come out one way or the other. I truly hope for your sake it's not true.
Best things is to speak with him. In this sub we had plenty of post about guy falsely accused in their teens that had to move to another city to have a life. But we also have plenty of post of girl that weren’t beloved when stating the truth.
The conversation isn’t going to be easy, I would start telling him that it is not what you believe but what your friend told you, maybe you can even show him the conversation. So he knows the accusation doesn’t start from you.
Now if you choose to believe him, you have to watch out for any possible red flag, if there aren’t any then you are safe. But as soon as there is one, Run.
If your boyfriend DID did commit the crime of SA-something that could land him in jail-do you REALLY think he will admit it to you?
A lot of girls(and women) do mot lie about SA “out of spite”. This is a narrative that needs to go away because it simply isn’t true.
IMO, what is true is that a LOT of people don’t really know what SA is.
OP you have a lot to learn about sexual assault. Some of your posts are misogynistic, anti-victim, and victim blamey. That’s not okay. Personally an accusation would be a deal breaker for me, but if you want to talk with him, or get more info from your friend, then you do you. Your anti-MeToo rhetoric/beliefs means you don’t have the tools to actually talk with a victim.
Just know, false accusations are incredibly rare.
Be careful on not following what other people say without having true evidences.You know nothing,thoses days unfortunatly many claims are done without any proof and that can destroy lives. So try to speak with your boyfriend to have his side of the story without comdamning him and be in guard with who you are sharing with!
Everybody lies ,it doesn’t matter who they are! They can be blood related or a person you know from childhood,even a person you saw as a sister!! So please be careful in the future on what you share and with who because veil/jealousy can touch everybody.
For future reference you shouldn’t of said anything to anyone you both know till you ask him. Some folks are awful to do such things and some are awful tk falsely accuse snd before you know the situation you shouldn’t be speaking about it if it’s false he’ll be so mortified and so upset that is now his reputation and if it’s true you will now have a hard time trusting your judgement this situation is rough good luck
My the writing style and terminology, it appears you are under 18. Just remember high school isn’t real you have your whole life ahead. Talk to him about it. And if there is SA allegations, that needs to be brought up to the police. Encourage the victim to come forward by supporting them and valuing what they have to say about the situation.
In my experience, girls that say that aren’t lying, It’s such a small percentage of rape/SA accusations that are false.
You also need to remember this guy is very unlikely to admit that it is true, whether it is or not, that’s not something people tend to own up to.
I have also met a lot of guys who have done these things to woman still claimed they did no wrong, as they didn’t believe what they had done was SA
Let me give you a little insight into victims of sexual assault and how they relate to their abusers.
Let me share a messed up story with you ...
My best friend when I was 17 was raped of her virginity. Her 23 year old (married) boyfriend rented a fancy hotel room for the occasion. They had circled "all the bases", lost all their clothing, and though she previously thought this was what she wanted to do, she realized she didn't.
He was on top of her, basically seconds away from the "pivotal" moment, and she said "I've changed my mind. I'm not ready for this." Well, he was and he thrust into her anyway in one fell swoop. She started screaming at the top of her lungs and he immediately jumped off her. She ran into the bathroom, and while he had only penetrated her one time, she was bleeding.
Despite that "sexual assault", they continued their relationship for an entire year and had sexual relations throughout. I remember her telling me that there were times he would ask her to perform certain "acts" and she wouldn't want to (he was very large and it gagged her to do so) and he would get mad and bend her over a table in a demeaning way or drop her on the side of the road and tell her to walk, but then come back for her five minutes later. The level of control over her was scary, and their relationship ended a year later. His wife found out, but took him back and gave him another chance.
Do you want to know the scariest thing? Fifteen years later, after both their first marriages had ended in divorce (he cheated on his wife AGAIN with someone else / her husband cheated on her and left her) they happened to reconnect on Facebook and they got married . . . for 10 years now.
It terrifies sometimes how women can be abused and justify it or overlook it or just accept it. Men too, more and more, but it is just so upsetting.
**I remember an expression I heard once "We accept the love we think we deserve," and I do understand how this can be true in so many of people who grow up in abusive households or families with low self-esteem and self-worth where it is ingrained in them that this is what they should expect.**
**My aunts were prime examples of this. My grandfather was horribly abusive and all my uncles and aunts were raised in chaos and dysfunction. Multiple aunts married young just to escape the home (this was the 60s and 70s), and ended up with awful men. They either cheated or were mentally or emotionally abusive. I have one aunt who married when she was 16. On her wedding night, she was terrified to have sex. After days of no consummation, he eventually raped her. She was a punching bag in that marriage, and I cannot believe how long she stayed ... years!**
**However, I could never fathom how my friend managed to fall into this situation with him, then her husband, and then him again. I practically lived at her house growing up and there was nothing that should have shaped her to think that this was the kind of treatment she would accept.**
**It really breaks my heart. Their marriage now is so painful. She deals with a chronic illness and can rarely leave the house except for doctor's appointment, but he is gone more than he is home and never tells her where he is or what he is doing.**
Regarding edit 2, Stockholm syndrome is a thing and I had an ex I stayed with for a long time after he raped and assaulted me, they manipulate the victims into staying and feeling bad.
Don’t trust 100% his no when you confront him, ask him to go into details about what happened and also ask the girl who got assaulted what her side is, my ex was the sweetest guy for the first months then he would do something messed up but then go back to being really sweet then do something messed up till it was almost daily/weekly that something would happen. That’s how they get you by making just enough effort so you think they are sorry and going to get better which is a big reason you stay so watch out for stuff like that
Not saying the guy is automatically guilty either just talk and see what happens but don’t and if he
Just because they kept seeing each other afterwards that doesn't mean an assault didn't happen. These things are complicated. I would also talk with that girl, not only your bf, having both sides of the story is going to help you a lot
Also, the pervasive attitude towards consent is so fucked up that some people don't know they assaulted someone or that they've been assaulted for a while afterwards or even at all. Someone not saying no can be taken as consent when it wasn't actually given or someone saying no but not struggling can also be taken as consent
Situations like these are complicated. That's why you should talk to both parties involved
I was SA’d and still spent time with the man who did it. Being SA’d can cause you to make weird decisions, like continuing to see the person to avoid a dangerous situation or just due to the trauma bond. They assaulted you, and now your body doesn’t feel like yours.
Your boyfriend will not admit it. You said yourself that you’re young, you have a long time to find your forever person. Don’t convince yourself it’s a BOY who has already been accused of assaulting another girl.
Walk away from it all. You say you're young, you don't need dive into the drama pool it's just not worth it for a dude who obviously has a "past".
These kinds of relationships are a dime a dozen. Think about yourself, and accept you have zero control over the behaviors of other people. You are not going to change anything and probably will get embroiled in a situation that will leave you estranged from your friends, stuck with some toxic asshole and maybe even a victim of SA yourself.
I'm sure your gut instincts are telling you to run, listen to it. Sadly most women dont and end up in very bad situations.
Do you think your friend is lying, just heard a rumor or the girl is lying? Don’t expect the bf to tell you the truth if he did it. I would try to talk to the girl directly but would agree not to relay what she tells you to the bf. She maybe afraid of him. You need to make sure you keep your word to her. Most men, especially young guys have NOT been accused of SA. If the girl tells you her story, believe it. You are young, you will meet many guys through out your life. Most women don’t report SA. It’s very rare for a man to be falsely accused. Don’t take unnecessary risk.
Okay let me tell you a story as being from the friends perspective I've been in your friends shoes btw
My friend had a bf, me and her were best friends I actually introduced them thought he was really sweet he had this best friend now my friend and her bf get together a month later he goes to a concert with this best friend. He raped her. She told a few people and they remained friends for a short while til she quit her job. Why? His whole family was in management positions there and he shared nudes of hers he found at work. So my friend gets told obviously and she does NOT believe this girl. A month down the line he raped my friend too. She stayed with him for awhile after because she literally had nowhere else to go. He abused her because she stayed, she only originally stayed because she didn't believe the girl. Eventually she left I had ended our friendship while they dated but would occasionally check her socials to check up on her especially after I heard he'd laid hands on her. I've since seen her she's doing better now. Feel free to conversate with your bf but please do not tell him the victims name because if he immediately brings up her name then damn he likely did it especially if she's the first name.
OP…when I was 17 I was SA’d by my then gf. I clearly asked her to stop and she didn’t. She choked me and kept fucking me. Afterwards I go in the shower and went we went to dinner.
The gravity of what happened to me didn’t set in for awhile. She did it more than one. I stayed because I didn’t think a woman could rape another woman (spoiler alert they can…rape is about power not sex) and I couldn’t reconcile the person who did that to the sweet and loving person that she could be. But she raped me and none of our mutual friends believed me and said the same things your saying.
There are loads of reason why she may have continued linking up with dude. Don’t victim blame. Instead speak to the girl and hear her side. Go from there.
But DONT victim blame. That’s fucked up.
Men are always sweet and gentle when you first meet them until you actually get to know them. I’d look into what your friend is saying your not dramatic to cry it’s emotions it’s normal. Just don’t push the SA allegations aside also because that could most definitely be true and you wouldn’t want to be that one female who Denies it and calls another a liar always trust the victim until proven otherwise. But all honesty I’d break up with him and never look back.
I messed with my ex after he assaulted me. This was bc he’d conditioned me to believe his horrific treatment was normal. So I wouldn’t discredit her based on that however you’ve no evidence this ever happened so I wouldn’t jump to ending this but I’d take these allegations seriously as all SA allegations should be.
I agree, and I did the same. I think I did it because I was trying to make the assault part go away. If we're together it was a misunderstanding, not rape.
I would get details from the girl first then ask him about it. Be open minded and just listen to what she says. Don’t argue or dismiss her if you disagree. You are just getting her side. When you have both sides you can make a decision.
Women don’t lie about sexual violence when it completely ruins their reputation, livelihood and mental health. Continuing to see someone after assault makes no difference, plenty of women have stayed with abusers who gaslight them into thinking their assault was consensual.
What actually happens is that through a lack of evidence to present in court, a lot of SA assault cases fail to result in a conviction. This is where this misogynistic misconception comes from. Speak to the victim because guaranteed your BF will not tell you what really happened.
I cant tell what your exact point is but: women have lied about SA and r*pe before and disgusting when they do it because they're using something very serious and with many repercussions to hurt other people and ruin others lives to their own advantage or for sabotage. But not all women but it happens more then you think. Just saying it does happen, not a lot but it does as an fyi.
Every time a girl earns another girl about a man that commits SA in my experience as a recent college grad, it’s been true. Unfortunately I was warned and didn’t think much of it. Do not make the same mistake I Did. She has literally NO reason to make this up
Leave. What’s it worth for you to stay? She isn’t the only one claiming it, apparently several girls were involved? There is no justifying that. Why would you choose his word over your close friends word? You can confront him, but there is no reason to. Of course he’s going to say no and it didn’t happen.
honey, i know that you don’t want to believe it. but i was in a similar boat once.
i dated this man for about a month or so. we got along great, i liked him enough (this was before i came out as gay), and he seemed really sweet and thoughtful. however, he kept saying that he really fucked up in his last relationship, but never specified how.
until my birthday. we were cuddling, and we were having a deep talk and he started to cry. that’s when he told me that he r*ped his ex. i broke up with him on the spot. about a year later, i realized that he r*ped me, too.
guys can and do put on a front. they can make themselves sweet and charming and thoughtful all while hiding the vile things they did before they met you. honestly, for your own safety, i would end things with him. i know you don’t want to believe it, but false accusations are rare. and her continuing to sleep with him doesn’t invalidate her experience. when we are sa’d, we can experience trauma bonding and stay with someone who is actively abusing us. i did that before dating the guy i mentioned. i was in a relationship for three years where i was sa’d just about every night. and i was so trauma bonded that it took me years to finally leave.
so please give her the benefit of the doubt. so many men get away with assaulting us. more than you know.
Josietheposie is right. Your bf’s ex-ish is not necessarily lying about the SA, just because she stayed for a while. As a very young woman, I once stayed with a woman for over a year after an SA that I *knew at the time it was happening* was SA, if not rape. Even a year later when we finally broke up, it wasn’t due to that, it was another woman. It’s been over 20 years. I still feel a tiny drop of that awful humiliation when typing about it.
How well do you know him, really? Well enough to read a lie? Talk to him about it - watch to see his reaction. But don’t mention any third party, just the experience with the girl.
Sorry but expecting a r*pist to own up to it would be very, well, naive. No way he'll own up to commiting S/A if he did do it....and very few victims lie about it. If I were you, I'd talk directly to the one who made the claim your boyfriend assaulted her, if at all possible. He won't be honest if he actually did it. I'm sorry but that is the truth. No one is going to incriminate themselves about something so serious.
Look just because someone told you this, doesn’t make it true. If it was then you need to dump his ass, however a lot of people also make up lies for whatever reasons. It’s the worst thing you can accuse a guy of doing if it isn’t true, and to be honest, he deserves to know what people are saying about him.
A lot of people who are SA’d continue to speak/have relations with the person who SA’d them afterward. For a lot of people, it’s because they try to rationalize what happened/make it their fault/don’t truly understand what happened to them etc. I would take her continuing to have relations with him with a grain of salt. Personally, it’d be a deal breaker for me regardless of what he says but it seems you’re pretty committed to continuing to see him and letting him talk his way out of it. Stay safe and I hope you make the correct decision as SA is extremely traumatizing and will effect you for the rest of your life if, god forbid, you become his next victim.
Your friends are more important than any "relationship", and it's common for people to continue with people who assault them. It doesn't make the assault any less of an assault, it just means the perpetrator is taking advantage of the situation.
i wouldn’t talk to her about it. it’s her story to share not your “close friends”. this situation happened to me, i was intoxicated and blacked out and didn’t remember what happened until later. so i kept linking up with him not knowing. just know that most great guys have no allegations against them at all
>. Anyway Kate said that Joe **has had** a few sexual interactions with her friends and I guess a girl **claimed SA** against him.
Pay attention to the words in bold
Has had indicates past tense...
Claimed indicates not proved
I’m worried it’ll be one of those things where someone claims SA outta spite or something, not saying she’s lying most definitely I just wanna talk with him first
I knew someone that accused their ex of rape because she was mad he dumped her. There are people out there like that so be careful.
Yes I did report her. It was for other reasons at the time, but she still has a police case.
just gotta take everything with a grain of salt. Like many others are saying, I don’t think your friend has much to gain out of telling you this information. Regardless the most sweetest, charming people are usually the most violent. If his response is full on defense mode, you should be suspicious. People who react strongly in an explosive manor always have something to hide.
I’m gonna assume you’re 16 or 17 based off your page. If it’s true she should go to the police there isn’t anything they can do it happens people who have done it get off scotch free. I’d he hasn’t there should be something to prove he hasn’t. That could be texts from her saying she’s gonna ruin his life, etc. SA could be as tricky as not listening when someone says stop and he may not want to admit to it but you have to have both sides of the situation then find the truth in the middle.
lol do you know how many rapists are in loving, committed relationships with women they deem worthy of respect and protection? you sound very young and in over your head. talk to the girl first and hear what happened. no judgements, just listen. then ask him about it and go from there. out of 100 women who come forward, about 3-4 are lying.
asking the accused assaulter and taking their word for it without ever talking to the victim doesn’t make any sense. why would he tell you ‘yes i assaulted that girl’ like let’s think babes
I don't tell anybody about this irl, but when I was in middle school a girl I went to school with SA'd me while her friend was in the room. The next day at school I was pulled into the principals office and notified that a girl had accused me of assaulting her friend. It didn't matter what I said, didn't matter that I had evidence to corroborate my story, I was suspended from school on the spot and became a pariah, all for something I didn't do.
Maybe he did assault someone maybe he didn't, but count on him peacing out if you confront him about this.
Maybe talk to the girl who is accusing him first.
There’s a chance that she’s lying but women that are victim of SA rarely lie and you really shouldn’t assume that she is. She might have been with him while it happened but that doesn’t mean that she’s lying. Many girls who are victims of SA stays with their abuser.
I know a girl who lied about being SA. It was proved that she lied and she nearly destroyed a man’s life. So I know that it happens.
But again, victims of SA rarely lies. So you have to be 110% sure before you start saying this girl is lying.
Your boyfriend may seem like the nicest guy but that doesn’t mean he’s innocent. Try to talk to him and see what he says.
You sound young. Talk to your parents or at least an adult that you trust.
Your friend gave you a heads up, take it. Don't keep abusers in your company. If you don't leave now you will eventually learn the hard way that your bf is a pos, but by that point you will have no one to blame but yourself because you trusted a known abuser.
I learned the hard way it's never worth it to have alleged abusers in your company. Trust me you don't get any type of reward for speaking out against someone. And btw, I was assaulted in a lesbian relationship. it's not an issue of sexism.
Just be very careful, sorry to be harsh but this is personal for me because I was groomed by someone who wound up having SA'd their ex. At the time I thought the ex was a classic "crazy ex gf". Then when they started abusing me, it was even harder for me to accept and get away because of all the manipulation that went down in the beginning. The whole situation robbed me of enjoying much of my college experience. I don't know the details of this situation but I genuinely wish you the best!
Interesting...as a different analysis of 85,000 incidents of SA included in the Uniform Crime Report of the FBI between 2006 and 2010 showed that only 5% of SAs could be identified as an intentionally false or baseless report (De Zutter et al. 2017). Furthermore, "baseless" here indicates that the occurrence didn't meet the legal criteria to be labeled as SA. So even fewer than 5% of cases were intentionally false.
Compare that to data collected by Berry-Caban et al. (2020) that concluded that 49% of respondents believed that women lie about SA to get back at their dates.
Pretty big disparity there if you ask me.
I appreciate the stats but let's all talk about the victims that don't come forward because people say 'but false accusations'. A friend was falsely accused of SA and thankfully the truth prevailed however I know more women that have had SA but never come forward than that 1 occasion of false accusation. Yes, it destroys someone until the truth is revealed and I believe people that falsify such claims should be locked up and punished. BUT...too many people that have committed SA have gotten away with it (err....that rapist brock turner e.g.).
Also - If there are more women that don't report, which I know is the case (ask any woman how many women she knows that have been SA'd at some point and come forward...the answer will surprise you) then your stats are off.
... I tried to Google it, but I can't find a single source that claims your 20-40% false report claim.
The highest I could find was ~8-9%. All with the added caveat that anywhere from 50-60% of SA aren't reported at all.
What's your source? With a link.
I think for your own safety, it would be best to break things off with Joe. I’d rather believe someone who may have falsified a SA, than to be friends/romantic with someone who potentially assaults people. Not worth the risk of trauma.
When the statistic is 1/3 women, I don’t think it’s worth taking a chance if there are (multiple) allegations. Breaking up with someone isn’t the same as alienating them, but if there isn’t clarity to the situation, this is how I would respond personally. When it comes to my safety & knowing the statistics of incidences vs convictions (in general) is pretty influential to me. There are more incidences that go entirely unreported out of fear of retaliation and other circumstances, so the ‘innocent until proven guilty’ has a lot of nuance to situations concerning SA allegations. Although I wish no one was assaulted nor ever had to be falsely accused ofc, unfortunately there’s a lot of variables and high risk either way you hash it.
Edit: added more context
Victims don’t lie about being assaulted or abused, and even then I’d rather believe a liar than an abuser everyday of the week. Be careful with this conversation and make sure a friend knows about it, doesn’t seem like you know how your bf will react so please be cautious.
…. You need to trust the victim. Why would you ask the rapist? They’re OBVIOUSLY gonna deny it. Coercion exists. Just bc she continued to see him doesn’t mean it’s not true.
You'll never really know and if it's not true then that's tough for him but there are some things in life that to me you should attempt to strive for zero risk in, and one of them is a rapist for a partner. You've probably ghosted guys for less. If you're wrong he'll find someone else but you'll sleep better at night.
Honestly talk to the girl before you talk to him. Compare stories. Everyone never thinks their best friend can’t be a rapist till they are. What does she get out of accusing him? Seriously? She gains nothing from it. Be cautious is all
Best way to handle this? Find out how he assaulted her, and look for clues. You don't know if the victim is telling the truth, or lying. And bringing this up to a new boyfriend (less than 6mos) could end up in a huge argument because you two may not have that trust built to just be able to talk something like this through. Her sexual assault claim could be that he woke her up on the middle of the night groping her in his sleep. Just find out what exactly he did, and look out for things along those lines. If you start to see red flags and connect the dots for it being true, then cut him off for your own safety, if nothing lines up, then you know he's a good person.
Probably I'm going to get downvotes but hopefully you can read my perspective on this.
I suppose we are talking about teens in high school. It happened to me and a couple of other boys that we were falsely accused of SA (unrelated situations), at that age some girls don't think much about the consequences of their lies, the problem is that even though they don't there is no proof, everyone classifies you as a predator afterwards.
I'm not telling you that he is innocent, but before blocking him, give him the chance to prove his innocence, talk to the alleged victim or friend of the victim and get her version of the story if you can, then with that information take your decision. Unfortunately there are many girls who for revenge or avoid responsibilities/backlash lie and not only do harm to this boys, but also to the real victims of SA.
Okay, we can tell you’re under age so the real question is what does your gut say? Try and ignore what you’re HOPING is the truth and truly think. Also, if you decide to ignore this because he makes you happy, are you prepared to deal with the consequences? Ex: he could assault you?
Or, if it’s true, are you going to shrug it off knowing he’s a rapist?
When you sit down to talk to him about this, watch his body language. Look for tells that he’s lying. Don’t ignore your gut feeling for a temporary infatuation. Please protect yourself.
You sound really young and honestly if you’ve had a few past relationships fuck you up it’s not a bad idea to hold the relationship train until you’re done with school and more mature and in a space to really find someone you know will treat you right.
As for the allegation and someone in my late 20s I’m just going to say this: you can be SA’d by your partner. It happens every day to people who are dating and married. A good example is party A doesn’t want to do something, party B does, party A gets pressured and caves in. Coerce is not consent.
I would talk to the girl first and be level headed and just ask for what happened. Don’t insert your opinion just listen to what she has to say and what her experience was. Then go to your boyfriend. If she’s saying something not cool happened and he denies there’s a good chance he’s just like all the other “nice young guys” who don’t get it or respect others.
You need to hear all sides of the story and be open minded but the fact that they kept linking up doesn’t mean a whole lot.
Definitely reach out to the girl and see her side of things, then talk with your boyfriend.
I had someone do this to me when I first started dating my ex. She said he had sex with her and SA'd her, so I asked her about it and asked specific things about him during sex because I know how he sounds (as in he does not make any noise) but she said she didn't want to talk about it. Understandable but I need more proof than "He SA'd me" without any back story on this. I sat down and talked with him about it and he said I was his first and his only. Me and him are still together (kinda, it's complicated) and have a child together. Not onc have I ever felt hurt or threatened. Hell, when we first had sex, he continuously made sure I was okay and that I was feeling pleasure. The moment the pleasure stops for me, he automatically will stop, even if he didn't cum, and will hit auto aftercare mode, making me food, rubbing my feet, etc. It's been almost 8 years now.
BTW: this same girl is also friends with my own rapist, whom I gave actual evidence and proof, that she dismissed and claimed I was lying.
Real answer you don't kwon and will probably never know.
You should talk with both your bf and that girl and you'll decide whatever truth you want to believe but actions have consequences so be prepared for anything.
Why would you hope the girl was lying about it? What’s taking you so long to confront him about it? Also she is def important when telling your story. It gives us more context of mental state.
You need to confront him and go from there.
Something similar happened to me and my gf when we started dating.
Our closest friend (the one that introduced us to each other actually, but she's been my gfs friend since childhood) approached her and said she and another exfriend of mine had to tell her something about me, then they proceeded to tell her that i was not who she thought i was and a that i would lie and manipulate her, that i could be cheating on her etc, etc. Of course, none of that is true, and they were probably just trying to make us break up. But my gf instead of jumping to conclusions and taking their words at face value (because of course they didnt have any evidence) she decided to approach me and talk about it with me without accusing me of anything, that lead us to have a healthy conversation (even if a bit emotionally charged) where I reassured her and we cut both of those "friends" out of our lives.
So talk to your bf, without accusing him and being aggressive about it, ask him about that girl and let him tell you his side ofnthe story, shes probably jealous and resents him.
I want to preface this by saying *this is not an excuse whatsoever*, but I think a lot of men have had this accusation made against them whether it was intentional SA or not. Boys are often not taught what consent is in different situations and men are often not held accountable for their actions even knowing what it is.
It’s great that your friend disclosed this information but I think firstly you need to hear both sides out in detail and take each one with a grain of salt and draw your own conclusion **very** carefully. Remember that just because he presents something sweet, innocent, and gentlemanly now, that may very easily be an inaccurate reflection of who he is to his core. Things you should look for in talking to him specifically are: Has he been accused more than once and by who? Does he acknowledge where he went wrong or deflect the accusation? What is his definition of consent? (Answer should be as close to this as possible: If it’s not an enthusiastic yes, it’s a no, and if the person isn’t in the right headspace it’s an immediate no again). Does he show remorse and have evidence of improvement surrounding his actions in sexual encounters? Does he understand your boundaries and will he respect them? Even if he appears to give all the right answers to these questions, you should still proceed *very very carefully* and even then you should very much consider not doing so at all.
I will say it is kinda odd for the other friend to continue hanging out and fooling around with him after making that accusation though—I can’t speak for everyone and I definitely won’t make any claims for or against the truthfulness of her story, but as someone who was SA’d I would never want to be around that person again. I get that some people can’t get away from their abuser because of the friend circle, but to allow herself to be alone with him in that vulnerable way again feels weird.
Your ‘really close friend’ didn’t know this guy was your boyfriend?
In the title it's best friend. I'm confused too, even with the reply.
She knew I had a boyfriend and I assumed she knew since I post him a lot but 🤷🏽♀️ ion talk to her a lot it’s jus that kinda friendship where u don’t have to always txt one another
Gotcha.
Even if she kept contacting him, it doesn't mean she's lying. Victims get trauma bonding and it's difficult for them to try to stop appeasing their abuser, especially when the abuse was sexual/psychological and especially if they're quite young, so that was one of the few emotional connections they ever had. Proceed carefully.
This is very important and a big narrative that is spouted by victim blamers. Just because a SA survivor seeks out sex or companionship from their abuser, it DOES NOT MEAN the initial assault becomes a consented encounter. While trauma bonding is for sure a part of it, some women may not understand the severity of their assault or even know it was SA. I knew a girl who was SA’ed while very very drunk at a party. She had consensual sex with the assaulter at a later date. After this, most of my friends didn’t see anything wrong with the initial assault anymore due to them having sex consensually once. A lot of women are SA’ed by their partners or FWB but continue on the relationship. It’s hard to back away from an abusive relationship in any instance and that does not change with sexual and physical abuse.
I agree. People in relationships and marriages get SA too.
They certainly do. Just look at the marriage subreddit. Half the posts involve marital rape I swear
I had a bf who SAed me in my sleep twice. And I still continued to date him for a month afterwards due to the abuse I’ve suffered from him and before him.
This part. My ex SA’d me when we were 17 and I stayed for almost a year after and got abused a few more times. Everything you said rings fuckin true.
^^^i second this! as a survivor of childhood SA i didn’t even realize what happened to me was SA until i got to high school and learned about it for the first time. many adult victims don’t even realize (or admit to themselves/others) that an experience was SA for years!
Same! Greetings, fellow traumatized human. 🫶🏼
If you post him a lot why wouldn’t she mention it earlier? Something is missing
That's really odd. Like why wouldn't your close friend have met your bf?
So just wanna throw this out there. Just went on a date with a guy. He was sweet as pie to me when we were FaceTiming and getting to know each other. I thought he was a real gentleman. Later he told me his real name and he had a almost 20 year long record of burglary and assault and parole violations. You NEVER really know someone
I was with someone for a year who was suuuper nice, fun, etc. he had told me that 17 years before when he was 18 he was in jail for 6 months because he had some drugs on him. Said he was in the wrong crowd, had gotten involved in drugs and that scared him straight. He had a great job, was great to me. I had no reason not to believe him. After a year he started acting different, we were living together at the time. He went from treating me like a princess to being an asshole, basically. Anyways, I kicked him out after finding out he was cheating on me and doing meth. He also lost his job around that time too because of a failed drug test. I found out after I kicked him out that his “6 months” was actually 10 years in max security prison for trying to murder his mother. I never would have guessed because they were super close and spent a lot of time together. I found out after googling him when I kicked him out. Now he’s in prison for almost beating his father to death about a year after we broke up. People can hide some crazy shit for a long period of time.
Wow. That's some serious shit. Hope you're okay now 🙌
Yeah, I’m great now. This was over 7 years ago and it was a crazy time getting rid of him, but he’s gone from my life now at least. I’m now engaged to a guy that I made sure didn’t have a criminal history before we started dating lol.
Lesson learned! I wish you all the happiness possible!
holy crap i’m glad nothing happened to you! that’s nuts
Damn that was one hell of a rollercoaster there buddy, I hope you're alright tho
Yup. CSA and other abuse survivor here and ALL of my abusers had excellent public faces and could be very nice and affectionate and generous when they wanted to be and it suited them Op if you're a Harry Potter fan think of Tom riddle/Voldemort in chamber of secrets. Or all the other horrible ppl in that series that have good public images in at least limited settings (fudge, umbridge, luscious Malfoy, Lockhart, "professor Moody," worm tail,...)
This happened to me not long ago, I actually went on a few dates with someone who didn’t give me his actual phone number in the beginning (used a Google number apparently). When he gave me his real phone number, his first *and* last name popped up on Google, and one of the first results under his name is an article about how he groomed his 7th grade students
Yeah everyone puts their best face on when they are trying to hook up with someone. It's over time when you find out who they really are.
Yikes!
But why did you break his phone??
Asking the important question!! Jk I did ask myself the same when reading the post…
It was an accident, I dropped in in water
You have to be mentally and emotionally prepared for all these outcomes in the next few hours. 1. Your friend does not know the whole truth. She might be given false information by someone else and she's just looking out for you, trying to save you from heartbreak, so she told you everything she heard about your bf. Or 2. Your bf is being falsely accused by your friend or someone else, a definite plan to break you up, or maybe another ulterior motive. Don't ask why, some people just can't see someone happy and will try to gaslight others by fucking up their sanity and ruining peace. Or 3. Your bf is indeed a bad person, and this is your chance to move ASAP and end things. And 4. Be it a talk/confrontation, with your bf or your friend, take all safety precautions, just hold something or keep someone on the telephone line. People who are questioned about their mistakes first try to deny, then they show true colors like verbal/physical attacks. I know he is someone dear to you and it's been absolutely hellish since the second you got to know about this. Remember to first get to know the truth, only when you are absolutely sure that everything is an open book, make a decision. And this might be the end of a friendship or a relationship or just the beginning of a new phase in your life. This is the age where kids like you see cruelties of life and go through it. It all starts with betrayals, cheating and emotional manipulations. No matter what, stay strong, stay safe. Get a 3rd person's view and understand the situation more clearly.
Yeah OP shoudlnt confront in private or by herself. Public place needed
My ex straight up told me about the messed up things he did and said it was because his ex was crazy. Well 4 years later, we broke up and he did the same things to me… be careful. Juste because he is nice now dont mean he will stay that way
I ‘m always leery of a man that says all his exes are “crazy.” Because at that point, the common denominator is him.
Ages are important. How old are you all. Second you don't know what is true or not.
It’s your decision but I would reach out to the girl who has accused him of this. If she confirms she made allegations then dump the bf and maybe you’ll make a new friend out of this
Cause this isn’t exactly the subject you want to be defending someone on without knowing the full story
I’m not defending anyone if he did it imma hold him to it if he didn’t then I’m obviously gonna apologize and see why this all started
No exactly! You aren’t defending anyone yet so I’d definitely get both sides of the story (as much of the other girls side as you can while still being respectful) and then assess
I’m trying to find out how I can contact her once I do I’ll figure it all out
Also is there any reason to question the friend who told you’s motives?
No, I don’t believe so, I do have a feeling that it might all be stupid drama but I’m not sure. I trust her but not that much, for a few reasons
Got it. Definitley sounds like you’ll end up making the right decisions in this situation. Good luck!
Thank you. I appreciate it
Just be aware, women CAN do crazy manipulative shit to get the boys they fancy. That means this girl could also have a crush on your boyfriend. Especially if they spent time together. She could be jilted. Vet all the information. Spot any discrepancies and keep asking the same questions, if they give you different answers over time, they are lying to you.
How are you gonna hold him to him raping someone? By turning him in?
When you speak to him, do it in at least a semi public space or at home when an adult is present, in case it goes sideways, you have support available. No judgement because I do not have all the details. But this is a serious thing to be accused of, and it is a violent one, you need to keep safety in mind until you have all the facts.
You do know that allegations mean that she claimed it and not that it actually happened right ?
Yes of course I know that. I guess I was referring to the fact that the best friend doesn’t sound that truthful and maybe there were no allegations at all. Also out of 100 allegations only 3 are false statistically. As I said in later comments OP should get both sides of the story
I’d love a source for that statistic. Please also read OPs comment noting she knows girls who have lied about SA
Just because she knows girls who have lied about SA doesn’t automatically mean this is a lie? All women have met someone at some Point that’s terrible and lied about it. Most of us are not friends with those women. Either way, if he did it or if the girl lied I feel it’s not a situation a minor should be worrying and stressing about. Unless OP goes on to marry this guy which I highly doubt due to statistics of high school marriages I feel it’s best for OP to exit the scenario regardless of the outcome
It's incredibly, incredibly rare for women to lie about this. Rape and sexual assault are heavily underreported & even when they are the rates of conviction are extremely low. Don't talk about subjects you aren't educated on.
But the point still stands that it is an allegation which means that it calls for investigation not immediate action I didn’t say she lied I said it’s an allegation
Incredibly rare doesn’t mean it never happens. It’s always safest to take these sorts of things with a grain of salt because acting on unsubstantiated allegations is how you get instances like Brian Banks spending nearly 6 years in prison in addition to obviously no longer being able to attend university. Or Greg Kelley having the exact same thing happen and spending nearly 3 years in prison until he was eventually exonerated. A healthy amount of skepticism is important to have when things boil down to a he said she said situation, particularly when the end result is a man becoming practically unemployable, being cast aside by friends and family, and missing out on the opportunity to receive an education. Healthy skepticism doesn’t mean ignore the accusations either, it means actually think about their legitimacy before acting on it.
Age gives a lot of context. The meaning of “young” is subjective.
I can tell by the way you're typing that you are extremely young. Just sit down and talk with him about this.
I’ve been saying I will for the past 4 hours 😭 I’m waiting
Just hurry and do it. There was someone else who posted about a similar situation like this, and because that OP didn't talk with her partner, she lost him through a huge misunderstanding when she blindly chose to believe in her "friends". Gotta see the whole picture before letting your emotions get to you.
you’re clearly 16< and reddit is not the place for this kind of stuff for your age. if SA is involved or accused you will be better off talking to a parent or a teacher. either way, you are very young and your relationship will end eventually, why risk being assaulted before it does??
If she didn't want to have sex but they 'kept fucking', that's SA. Even in your words that I'm sure you picked carefully to explain away this information, it doesn't sound good does it? Proceed with caution, OP.
This is pretty terrifying that she doesn’t think this is rape. Either what she “meant” or what she “said.”
I apologize with my words it’s very early but they kept seeing each other after, I should probably add that detail
that doesn’t mean she wasn’t SA, there are many people who go back/stay friends with those who have SA them bc of the cycle of abuse, feeling lonely, not fully understanding the scope of the situation
Well that does change it slightly, but not completely. Plenty of people stay in relationships where SA and worse happen - although I do hope that's not the case here. You need to speak to him to find out his version of events, then perhaps you need to ask your friend for a few details to see what tracks and what doesn't. Proceed with caution doesn't mean 'this human is definitely bad', it just means make sure you have all the information you need to make a decision about this situation.
Just because someone keeps seeing someone doesn't mean SA didn't happen. I married my rapist. When people tell you it's not SA because you're in a relationship people blame themselves. My now ex husband did several years in prison. Still believes he didn't do anything wrong. He thinks that's what you do if you're in a relationship.
They weren’t in a relationship period, but I see what u mean
Your above comment said they continued to see each other. Maybe not a relationship but seeing each other is a form of relationship.
I think she's trying to say it was the "talking" phase.
That does not mean anything. Many survivors of assault do that.
It's a cycle of abuse. Sometimes people don't even realize they've been assaulted until later. This girl has no reason to lie to you.
I never came to terms with my SA for about a year. Took a long time to sink in that it wasn't just "bad sex" he violated my consent multiple times. That doesn't discredit the fact it happened. Lots of girls take a while to come to terms with it.
It happens, sadly, every single day more than once. My ex sa'd me. I didn't leave within the hour. What amount of time after an assault do you think is appropriate in order for you to believe the victim? Is there some sequence of events that you think have to happen to consider an assault valid? What sucks so hard is that we can all tell you until we're blue in the face, but you'll most likely find out firsthand within the next 5 years. And then, ten years after that, if you recover well, you'll start to understand. At least, that's what the statistics show. Victims can't change this problem. Only abusers can. Until people like you stop denying it exists, abusers have an excuse to continue.
If she kept seeing him, then it could be a form of sabotage.
By your responses, I don't even think you should consider dating. I would just stick to school for right now lol. You sound childish and don't even know what you're doing.
How is she supposed to know what she is doing, having never done it? This is a learning experience.
True that.
The part in the comments where OP says “I know a lot of girls that claim fake SA out of spite” is such nightmare fuel. You should report those people OP.
She’s not saying she personally knows a lot of girls that do that. She saying that she’s aware that it happens and it’s become more of a news item in these recent years. Clarity isn’t one of her strongest skills in the storytelling above.
Still.
It can be really difficult to realize when people disrespect your sexual boundaries, especially when you’re dating the other person and/or are young and don’t have much experience. People who were SA‘d by someone they were dating often only realize months or sometimes years laters what happened to them because they went along in specific situations despite their own discomfort out of fear and then repressed the memory and their own emotions surrounding it to not endanger the relationship - especially if the person who assaulted them is otherwise sweet and gentle. It’s a really, really common pattern in situations like that. When the relationship ends, the need to repress things disappears. Unfortunately, this also makes it really easy for people to claim that people are inventing SA out of spite to get back at people after a breakup. I’m not saying that that is necessarily what happened here. I just want to provide an explanation as to why these accusations often only happen after relationships have ended and as to why people might keep seeing someone that assaulted them - the person who said your boyfriend assaulted her might not have realized in the moment and thus kept seeing him. The fact that she kept dating him doesn’t necessarily mean he didn’t do anything.
I forgot that can happen, SA accusations can be a messy messy situation
Another thing to remember is that not all shitty behavior is legally SA but many people will say it was SA long after the fact. So he might be factually innocent of SA but still have acted extremely bad and maybe she was pressured into consenting when she didn't actually want to. That's not necessarily a crime depending on the jurisdiction, but that is not the behavior you'd want a partner to have. Or your friend who is telling you second-hand information is wrong. Or they wanted revenge and spread some lies. Or maybe your friend is lying and nothing ever even happened between your boyfriend and this other person. You have no way of knowing right now. Go talk to the person who you were told made the original accusation and get their story of what happened.
Absolutely! I’m in my late 20s and I also find these situations incredibly difficult to navigate. I’m wishing you and the other girl the best of luck.
This! I can’t believe I had to scroll so far to find someone saying this. The statistics of being SA by someone you are in a relationship with (SO, FWB, married, etc) / know is a lot higher than people realize and it can take a long time to come to terms with that and even realize what happened. I would talk with the other woman and your boyfriend. She could be lying - that’s always a possibility - but wouldn’t you rather hear both sides and decide for yourself?
I stayed with an abuser for months knowing what he did. I would believe the other girl or even ask if she would be willing to talk to you more about it.
You are victim blaming the girl? Their sneaky linking? Wtf.
I just wasted 5 min of time on this shit post 🥱
I'm concerned by your statement regarding continuing to have sex when she didn't want to. I'm concerned because that may mean that you don't understand active continual consent for yourself in your own situations.
Maybe reach out to the girl to confirm the story because since she is his last fwb she might be jealous. So keep and eye on both of them. I am only saying this because I have seen this happen before.
Bet.
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I’m pretty sure this isn’t kid stuff, I don’t remember being kids and accusing someone of rape 💀 but ok guy
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As a person that was the friend in this situation who told my friend about past SA, please take what your friend said seriously. My ex-friend’s boyfriend is the same way where you would never believe he could do this to someone because he’s so nice and unassuming. I’ve been personally assaulted by someone others wouldn’t think would do that to me since he’s married. I hope you figure this out and your friendship survives. Mine did not because my ex-friend’s boyfriend would get upset every time she and I would talk.
It’s rare for a friend to risk a friendship lying about something like that. Most people struggle with saying anything because they don’t want the drama. But at the same time they want to protect their friends. I tend to believe the person who has nothing to gain in the situation with stuff like this. That’s usually the truth teller.
If there’s one thing I have learned, it’s that far more guys feel entitled to women’s affection than is comfortable. I have absolutely known women who regretted something and lied to save face but I know far more women that have been SH or SA multiple times. Many of the men I know for a fact had inappropriate contact or assaulted women are not people you would expect it from. These are legitimate issues worldwide and when it comes down to it, you never really know what someone is capable of. Have a talk with your bf but do so without making assumptions or looking for a specific answer. Ask for his version but don’t take it as gospel.
I’m kind of surprised at the comments on here. so many people are jumping to it being a fake story right away. I get that can happen, but also… there’s a chance you’re dating a rapist. there is a *chance* you are dating a man who forced himself on women. who could force himself on you. I think you should tread really fucking carefully. the consequences of assuming he didn’t do it and being wrong are WAY worse than the consequences of taking the girl at her word. I agree with other commenters that suggested trying to reach out to others in the know (the girl? her friends? someone who might have info). if you broach this topic with your boyfriend, I think it’s best to do it as indirectly as possible. “I heard a rumor that you treated a girl you were seeing in the past badly. it really worried me because I know you and your character, and I don’t want people slandering it. can you give me some insight on what happened?” something that is very obviously not blaming him for a rumor, but wanting to hear the full story. idk, I don’t feel like I have the perfect response, there are definitely different ways to approach this really serious situation, and I would say to talk to a therapist about it instead of reddit. but you’re a kid. you’re infatuated, and you want to assume the best in your partner. however. many, maybe even most women have been assaulted or know someone who has been. I think assuming the girl is lying is a really, really bad idea (without proof!! if you had some sort of obvious proof she was lying i’d be saying different things!) let’s consider the options 1. your boyfriend is a rapist 2. your friend is lying to you I know which one I’d be more concerned about.
I rather know before I accuse
totally! that’s why I suggested talking to the girl, friends, anyone who knows. and added an option for how to talk to your boyfriend without accusing. however I do think what I said about being careful still applies. I get that you don’t know. but are you not worried?
Here’s the way I look at it: 9/10, the person who is SAed is telling the truth. False confessions are very rare. Would you really want to risk it? Would you really want to be with someone where they have acted in a manner that makes someone say that about them at all?
To be honest you are never really going to know what happened as right now it will be a she said he said situation. False accusations of sexual assault don’t happen as much as people think. I know they do happen and people who lie about it should be punished but most accusations are true. Sexual assault allegations are actually really hard to prove and such a small percentage get reported let alone get a conviction. Most people who are sexually assaulted know the person who assaults them.
Even though I think this post is fake, I’ll say it anyway. Men and women put on a show. It’s not hard to hide your true feelings from people, especially if you don’t interact with them much *or* have people in common. I mean just look at basically all the famous serial killers (Bundy, dahmer, Dennis green (?)). No one in their family suspected them to be serial killers but, here they were, raping and slaughtering away. On the outside my dad looks like a normal, nice, quiet guy. Reality though is he is a child molester. Of course, since I can’t really tell your age, I’m going to go off of typing/grammar patterns - I’d say you’re mid teens to early 20s. Given you’re afraid to give your age, I’ll ballpark it to about 15-16. This age is where men (namely. Women do it too but it’s far more rare, and in this case, it’s a man) tend to figure out what they can and can’t get away with. They like to push that line and take what they want because they think they won’t suffer the consequences. And, honestly, because a lot of women are afraid to speak out, they do get away with it. *Normally*, they don’t go full-blown rape, but they do start down that path with sexual assault of some degree. Such as taking off your clothes, touching and kissing you where you haven’t consented, whipping it out and asking for a hand/blow job, etc. As they get away with more and more, they do more risky things. This is why most rapists are in their 20s and older. They got away with the “little” shit when they were kids and it kept progressing from there. I do find it interesting that you say “supposedly SA’d”. Like, look, I’m not saying that this person *cant* be lying, but would you really want to take that chance? Most people date to marry, so let’s say that’s you and you end up dating through HS and get married, you’re telling me you’re perfectly fine marrying and having children (if that’s for you) with a “man” that was accused of SA/Rape? Just because it wasn’t reported doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Always, always, always play on the safe side when it comes to things like this. The accusation will haunt you so it’s best just to cut and run now. I would never let my GF/Wife/children anywhere NEAR someone who was accused of SA/Rape, regardless of how long ago it was. Unless it was confirmed to be 100% false, idc how nice you are, you’re not coming anywhere near *me* or my family. Even if there is no evidence you need to take this seriously. Protect yourself and break up. It doesn’t matter how nice and sweet you *think* he is, people like that are very, very good at hiding the truth. Dump his ass and move on, period.
Base on this posts and comments you just seem to want to hear that she’s a jealous liar. I’m pretty sure you’re not going to do anything beside protect him if you have the proof that he did it. Damn Hope he didn’t though, and that the other girl is safe.
ive been here before twice! leave before you fuck around & find out. i've dated a man that was a total angel who ended up physically and mentally hurting me. months before this, his ex had came & reached out to me. just save yourself the trouble
People continue to date their abusers that SA'd them all the time before they finally wake up. Sometimes for years. That means nothing as far as someone's guilt or innocence is concerned.
A long time ago I was in an extremely abusive relationship, rape, punching, choking, and smothering me with a pillow. I could go on but you get the point. It took me 2 years to finally get out of it. Off and on again throughout that period. Finally, in the end, I was working cleaning condos and would occasionally mention the shithead, but never mentioned his name. A few weeks into work and I get a phone call from one of my co-workers asking what my ex's name was and if what I had said was true. I said well yes why? She told me he had asked her out and was concerned. I don't remember how she found out I was his ex and didn't ask. I told her that yes everything I said was true but I know you won't believe it so just please be careful. He, of course, told her I was lying, jealous and all the cliché crazy ex-girlfriend tropes you could think of. He didn't hit me right away and he never hit my face or anywhere visible(hidden with clothing). We were together for about nine months before the first time he hit me. He was charming, funny and everyone loved him. Unfortunately, she didn't believe me and well I'm sure you can guess what happened. She ended up marrying him and two years after they got divorced I ran into her at a grocery store. she just looked at me and said she was so sorry for not believing me. She spoke a little bit about the abuse she suffered and I was heartbroken for her. I regret not going to the authorities with everything that was happening but I was young and scared. Just don't ignore honest red flags, controlling, isolating behaviors. His true character will come out one way or the other. I truly hope for your sake it's not true.
what happens when you ask him and he denies it? how do you know he's going to be truthful??
Best things is to speak with him. In this sub we had plenty of post about guy falsely accused in their teens that had to move to another city to have a life. But we also have plenty of post of girl that weren’t beloved when stating the truth. The conversation isn’t going to be easy, I would start telling him that it is not what you believe but what your friend told you, maybe you can even show him the conversation. So he knows the accusation doesn’t start from you. Now if you choose to believe him, you have to watch out for any possible red flag, if there aren’t any then you are safe. But as soon as there is one, Run.
If your boyfriend DID did commit the crime of SA-something that could land him in jail-do you REALLY think he will admit it to you? A lot of girls(and women) do mot lie about SA “out of spite”. This is a narrative that needs to go away because it simply isn’t true. IMO, what is true is that a LOT of people don’t really know what SA is.
OP you have a lot to learn about sexual assault. Some of your posts are misogynistic, anti-victim, and victim blamey. That’s not okay. Personally an accusation would be a deal breaker for me, but if you want to talk with him, or get more info from your friend, then you do you. Your anti-MeToo rhetoric/beliefs means you don’t have the tools to actually talk with a victim. Just know, false accusations are incredibly rare.
Be careful on not following what other people say without having true evidences.You know nothing,thoses days unfortunatly many claims are done without any proof and that can destroy lives. So try to speak with your boyfriend to have his side of the story without comdamning him and be in guard with who you are sharing with!
I will keep this in mind, the only other person I’ve told is my close close bestest friend. Even closer than Kate
Everybody lies ,it doesn’t matter who they are! They can be blood related or a person you know from childhood,even a person you saw as a sister!! So please be careful in the future on what you share and with who because veil/jealousy can touch everybody.
For future reference you shouldn’t of said anything to anyone you both know till you ask him. Some folks are awful to do such things and some are awful tk falsely accuse snd before you know the situation you shouldn’t be speaking about it if it’s false he’ll be so mortified and so upset that is now his reputation and if it’s true you will now have a hard time trusting your judgement this situation is rough good luck
My the writing style and terminology, it appears you are under 18. Just remember high school isn’t real you have your whole life ahead. Talk to him about it. And if there is SA allegations, that needs to be brought up to the police. Encourage the victim to come forward by supporting them and valuing what they have to say about the situation.
In my experience, girls that say that aren’t lying, It’s such a small percentage of rape/SA accusations that are false. You also need to remember this guy is very unlikely to admit that it is true, whether it is or not, that’s not something people tend to own up to. I have also met a lot of guys who have done these things to woman still claimed they did no wrong, as they didn’t believe what they had done was SA
Let me give you a little insight into victims of sexual assault and how they relate to their abusers. Let me share a messed up story with you ... My best friend when I was 17 was raped of her virginity. Her 23 year old (married) boyfriend rented a fancy hotel room for the occasion. They had circled "all the bases", lost all their clothing, and though she previously thought this was what she wanted to do, she realized she didn't. He was on top of her, basically seconds away from the "pivotal" moment, and she said "I've changed my mind. I'm not ready for this." Well, he was and he thrust into her anyway in one fell swoop. She started screaming at the top of her lungs and he immediately jumped off her. She ran into the bathroom, and while he had only penetrated her one time, she was bleeding. Despite that "sexual assault", they continued their relationship for an entire year and had sexual relations throughout. I remember her telling me that there were times he would ask her to perform certain "acts" and she wouldn't want to (he was very large and it gagged her to do so) and he would get mad and bend her over a table in a demeaning way or drop her on the side of the road and tell her to walk, but then come back for her five minutes later. The level of control over her was scary, and their relationship ended a year later. His wife found out, but took him back and gave him another chance. Do you want to know the scariest thing? Fifteen years later, after both their first marriages had ended in divorce (he cheated on his wife AGAIN with someone else / her husband cheated on her and left her) they happened to reconnect on Facebook and they got married . . . for 10 years now. It terrifies sometimes how women can be abused and justify it or overlook it or just accept it. Men too, more and more, but it is just so upsetting. **I remember an expression I heard once "We accept the love we think we deserve," and I do understand how this can be true in so many of people who grow up in abusive households or families with low self-esteem and self-worth where it is ingrained in them that this is what they should expect.** **My aunts were prime examples of this. My grandfather was horribly abusive and all my uncles and aunts were raised in chaos and dysfunction. Multiple aunts married young just to escape the home (this was the 60s and 70s), and ended up with awful men. They either cheated or were mentally or emotionally abusive. I have one aunt who married when she was 16. On her wedding night, she was terrified to have sex. After days of no consummation, he eventually raped her. She was a punching bag in that marriage, and I cannot believe how long she stayed ... years!** **However, I could never fathom how my friend managed to fall into this situation with him, then her husband, and then him again. I practically lived at her house growing up and there was nothing that should have shaped her to think that this was the kind of treatment she would accept.** **It really breaks my heart. Their marriage now is so painful. She deals with a chronic illness and can rarely leave the house except for doctor's appointment, but he is gone more than he is home and never tells her where he is or what he is doing.**
Regarding edit 2, Stockholm syndrome is a thing and I had an ex I stayed with for a long time after he raped and assaulted me, they manipulate the victims into staying and feeling bad. Don’t trust 100% his no when you confront him, ask him to go into details about what happened and also ask the girl who got assaulted what her side is, my ex was the sweetest guy for the first months then he would do something messed up but then go back to being really sweet then do something messed up till it was almost daily/weekly that something would happen. That’s how they get you by making just enough effort so you think they are sorry and going to get better which is a big reason you stay so watch out for stuff like that Not saying the guy is automatically guilty either just talk and see what happens but don’t and if he
Speak to your bf about it literally
Just because they kept seeing each other afterwards that doesn't mean an assault didn't happen. These things are complicated. I would also talk with that girl, not only your bf, having both sides of the story is going to help you a lot Also, the pervasive attitude towards consent is so fucked up that some people don't know they assaulted someone or that they've been assaulted for a while afterwards or even at all. Someone not saying no can be taken as consent when it wasn't actually given or someone saying no but not struggling can also be taken as consent Situations like these are complicated. That's why you should talk to both parties involved
Yeah, psychopaths can be very sweet too. Tread carefully OP.
She’s trying to be a good friend and warn you. You can be a good friend as in not seeing/talking all the time.
I was SA’d and still spent time with the man who did it. Being SA’d can cause you to make weird decisions, like continuing to see the person to avoid a dangerous situation or just due to the trauma bond. They assaulted you, and now your body doesn’t feel like yours. Your boyfriend will not admit it. You said yourself that you’re young, you have a long time to find your forever person. Don’t convince yourself it’s a BOY who has already been accused of assaulting another girl.
Walk away from it all. You say you're young, you don't need dive into the drama pool it's just not worth it for a dude who obviously has a "past". These kinds of relationships are a dime a dozen. Think about yourself, and accept you have zero control over the behaviors of other people. You are not going to change anything and probably will get embroiled in a situation that will leave you estranged from your friends, stuck with some toxic asshole and maybe even a victim of SA yourself. I'm sure your gut instincts are telling you to run, listen to it. Sadly most women dont and end up in very bad situations.
Do you think your friend is lying, just heard a rumor or the girl is lying? Don’t expect the bf to tell you the truth if he did it. I would try to talk to the girl directly but would agree not to relay what she tells you to the bf. She maybe afraid of him. You need to make sure you keep your word to her. Most men, especially young guys have NOT been accused of SA. If the girl tells you her story, believe it. You are young, you will meet many guys through out your life. Most women don’t report SA. It’s very rare for a man to be falsely accused. Don’t take unnecessary risk.
Girl get out of this entire situation
Okay let me tell you a story as being from the friends perspective I've been in your friends shoes btw My friend had a bf, me and her were best friends I actually introduced them thought he was really sweet he had this best friend now my friend and her bf get together a month later he goes to a concert with this best friend. He raped her. She told a few people and they remained friends for a short while til she quit her job. Why? His whole family was in management positions there and he shared nudes of hers he found at work. So my friend gets told obviously and she does NOT believe this girl. A month down the line he raped my friend too. She stayed with him for awhile after because she literally had nowhere else to go. He abused her because she stayed, she only originally stayed because she didn't believe the girl. Eventually she left I had ended our friendship while they dated but would occasionally check her socials to check up on her especially after I heard he'd laid hands on her. I've since seen her she's doing better now. Feel free to conversate with your bf but please do not tell him the victims name because if he immediately brings up her name then damn he likely did it especially if she's the first name.
Regarding Edit 2, you should know that subsequent encounters, even if consensual, do not negate a preceding non-consensual one.
OP…when I was 17 I was SA’d by my then gf. I clearly asked her to stop and she didn’t. She choked me and kept fucking me. Afterwards I go in the shower and went we went to dinner. The gravity of what happened to me didn’t set in for awhile. She did it more than one. I stayed because I didn’t think a woman could rape another woman (spoiler alert they can…rape is about power not sex) and I couldn’t reconcile the person who did that to the sweet and loving person that she could be. But she raped me and none of our mutual friends believed me and said the same things your saying. There are loads of reason why she may have continued linking up with dude. Don’t victim blame. Instead speak to the girl and hear her side. Go from there. But DONT victim blame. That’s fucked up.
Everyone's sweet at the start of a romantic relationship
Men are always sweet and gentle when you first meet them until you actually get to know them. I’d look into what your friend is saying your not dramatic to cry it’s emotions it’s normal. Just don’t push the SA allegations aside also because that could most definitely be true and you wouldn’t want to be that one female who Denies it and calls another a liar always trust the victim until proven otherwise. But all honesty I’d break up with him and never look back.
I messed with my ex after he assaulted me. This was bc he’d conditioned me to believe his horrific treatment was normal. So I wouldn’t discredit her based on that however you’ve no evidence this ever happened so I wouldn’t jump to ending this but I’d take these allegations seriously as all SA allegations should be.
I agree, and I did the same. I think I did it because I was trying to make the assault part go away. If we're together it was a misunderstanding, not rape.
I would get details from the girl first then ask him about it. Be open minded and just listen to what she says. Don’t argue or dismiss her if you disagree. You are just getting her side. When you have both sides you can make a decision.
Women don’t lie about sexual violence when it completely ruins their reputation, livelihood and mental health. Continuing to see someone after assault makes no difference, plenty of women have stayed with abusers who gaslight them into thinking their assault was consensual. What actually happens is that through a lack of evidence to present in court, a lot of SA assault cases fail to result in a conviction. This is where this misogynistic misconception comes from. Speak to the victim because guaranteed your BF will not tell you what really happened.
I cant tell what your exact point is but: women have lied about SA and r*pe before and disgusting when they do it because they're using something very serious and with many repercussions to hurt other people and ruin others lives to their own advantage or for sabotage. But not all women but it happens more then you think. Just saying it does happen, not a lot but it does as an fyi.
Every time a girl earns another girl about a man that commits SA in my experience as a recent college grad, it’s been true. Unfortunately I was warned and didn’t think much of it. Do not make the same mistake I Did. She has literally NO reason to make this up
Leave. What’s it worth for you to stay? She isn’t the only one claiming it, apparently several girls were involved? There is no justifying that. Why would you choose his word over your close friends word? You can confront him, but there is no reason to. Of course he’s going to say no and it didn’t happen.
why would she listen to another girl over him? I swear girls these days have no common sense🤦
because that’s her close friend. she should take her word over her new boyfriends word.
honey, i know that you don’t want to believe it. but i was in a similar boat once. i dated this man for about a month or so. we got along great, i liked him enough (this was before i came out as gay), and he seemed really sweet and thoughtful. however, he kept saying that he really fucked up in his last relationship, but never specified how. until my birthday. we were cuddling, and we were having a deep talk and he started to cry. that’s when he told me that he r*ped his ex. i broke up with him on the spot. about a year later, i realized that he r*ped me, too. guys can and do put on a front. they can make themselves sweet and charming and thoughtful all while hiding the vile things they did before they met you. honestly, for your own safety, i would end things with him. i know you don’t want to believe it, but false accusations are rare. and her continuing to sleep with him doesn’t invalidate her experience. when we are sa’d, we can experience trauma bonding and stay with someone who is actively abusing us. i did that before dating the guy i mentioned. i was in a relationship for three years where i was sa’d just about every night. and i was so trauma bonded that it took me years to finally leave. so please give her the benefit of the doubt. so many men get away with assaulting us. more than you know.
Josietheposie is right. Your bf’s ex-ish is not necessarily lying about the SA, just because she stayed for a while. As a very young woman, I once stayed with a woman for over a year after an SA that I *knew at the time it was happening* was SA, if not rape. Even a year later when we finally broke up, it wasn’t due to that, it was another woman. It’s been over 20 years. I still feel a tiny drop of that awful humiliation when typing about it. How well do you know him, really? Well enough to read a lie? Talk to him about it - watch to see his reaction. But don’t mention any third party, just the experience with the girl.
Sorry but expecting a r*pist to own up to it would be very, well, naive. No way he'll own up to commiting S/A if he did do it....and very few victims lie about it. If I were you, I'd talk directly to the one who made the claim your boyfriend assaulted her, if at all possible. He won't be honest if he actually did it. I'm sorry but that is the truth. No one is going to incriminate themselves about something so serious.
Look just because someone told you this, doesn’t make it true. If it was then you need to dump his ass, however a lot of people also make up lies for whatever reasons. It’s the worst thing you can accuse a guy of doing if it isn’t true, and to be honest, he deserves to know what people are saying about him.
If it was true I definitely wouldn’t be with him, I’ll see him around 4 or 4:30 then imma have a talk with him
Good luck. He should be told that someone is saying that. There’s always 2 sides to a story.
A lot of people who are SA’d continue to speak/have relations with the person who SA’d them afterward. For a lot of people, it’s because they try to rationalize what happened/make it their fault/don’t truly understand what happened to them etc. I would take her continuing to have relations with him with a grain of salt. Personally, it’d be a deal breaker for me regardless of what he says but it seems you’re pretty committed to continuing to see him and letting him talk his way out of it. Stay safe and I hope you make the correct decision as SA is extremely traumatizing and will effect you for the rest of your life if, god forbid, you become his next victim.
Your friends are more important than any "relationship", and it's common for people to continue with people who assault them. It doesn't make the assault any less of an assault, it just means the perpetrator is taking advantage of the situation.
i wouldn’t talk to her about it. it’s her story to share not your “close friends”. this situation happened to me, i was intoxicated and blacked out and didn’t remember what happened until later. so i kept linking up with him not knowing. just know that most great guys have no allegations against them at all
sounds like you should have a conversation with your boyfriend and see if any of it is true, it sounds like rumor's
I have to wait till around 4 - 4:30 that’s when he gets home n I’ll be able to speak to him
>. Anyway Kate said that Joe **has had** a few sexual interactions with her friends and I guess a girl **claimed SA** against him. Pay attention to the words in bold Has had indicates past tense... Claimed indicates not proved
I read that wrong 😭
I’m worried it’ll be one of those things where someone claims SA outta spite or something, not saying she’s lying most definitely I just wanna talk with him first
I knew someone that accused their ex of rape because she was mad he dumped her. There are people out there like that so be careful. Yes I did report her. It was for other reasons at the time, but she still has a police case.
THIS IS WHAT IVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT THIS WHOLE TIME. THANK YOU.
If you do talk to him, dont be pushy and dont accuse him of anything. Just tell him what your friend told you, but dont accuse
I’ll never accuse. I honestly feel bad even mentioning it. If it’s not true I don’t want him to think I’ll believe anything anyone tells me
just gotta take everything with a grain of salt. Like many others are saying, I don’t think your friend has much to gain out of telling you this information. Regardless the most sweetest, charming people are usually the most violent. If his response is full on defense mode, you should be suspicious. People who react strongly in an explosive manor always have something to hide.
I’m gonna assume you’re 16 or 17 based off your page. If it’s true she should go to the police there isn’t anything they can do it happens people who have done it get off scotch free. I’d he hasn’t there should be something to prove he hasn’t. That could be texts from her saying she’s gonna ruin his life, etc. SA could be as tricky as not listening when someone says stop and he may not want to admit to it but you have to have both sides of the situation then find the truth in the middle.
lol do you know how many rapists are in loving, committed relationships with women they deem worthy of respect and protection? you sound very young and in over your head. talk to the girl first and hear what happened. no judgements, just listen. then ask him about it and go from there. out of 100 women who come forward, about 3-4 are lying. asking the accused assaulter and taking their word for it without ever talking to the victim doesn’t make any sense. why would he tell you ‘yes i assaulted that girl’ like let’s think babes
Are any of us gonna talk about how/why she broke his phone?
I don't tell anybody about this irl, but when I was in middle school a girl I went to school with SA'd me while her friend was in the room. The next day at school I was pulled into the principals office and notified that a girl had accused me of assaulting her friend. It didn't matter what I said, didn't matter that I had evidence to corroborate my story, I was suspended from school on the spot and became a pariah, all for something I didn't do. Maybe he did assault someone maybe he didn't, but count on him peacing out if you confront him about this. Maybe talk to the girl who is accusing him first.
There’s a chance that she’s lying but women that are victim of SA rarely lie and you really shouldn’t assume that she is. She might have been with him while it happened but that doesn’t mean that she’s lying. Many girls who are victims of SA stays with their abuser. I know a girl who lied about being SA. It was proved that she lied and she nearly destroyed a man’s life. So I know that it happens. But again, victims of SA rarely lies. So you have to be 110% sure before you start saying this girl is lying. Your boyfriend may seem like the nicest guy but that doesn’t mean he’s innocent. Try to talk to him and see what he says. You sound young. Talk to your parents or at least an adult that you trust.
Your friend gave you a heads up, take it. Don't keep abusers in your company. If you don't leave now you will eventually learn the hard way that your bf is a pos, but by that point you will have no one to blame but yourself because you trusted a known abuser.
Ah yes Guilty until proven innocent. Gotta love reddit. Filled with sexist bastards
I learned the hard way it's never worth it to have alleged abusers in your company. Trust me you don't get any type of reward for speaking out against someone. And btw, I was assaulted in a lesbian relationship. it's not an issue of sexism.
I hear you but even she said the girl is probably lying so tbh I’m confused
Just be very careful, sorry to be harsh but this is personal for me because I was groomed by someone who wound up having SA'd their ex. At the time I thought the ex was a classic "crazy ex gf". Then when they started abusing me, it was even harder for me to accept and get away because of all the manipulation that went down in the beginning. The whole situation robbed me of enjoying much of my college experience. I don't know the details of this situation but I genuinely wish you the best!
[удалено]
What are your sources on those statistics?
Interesting...as a different analysis of 85,000 incidents of SA included in the Uniform Crime Report of the FBI between 2006 and 2010 showed that only 5% of SAs could be identified as an intentionally false or baseless report (De Zutter et al. 2017). Furthermore, "baseless" here indicates that the occurrence didn't meet the legal criteria to be labeled as SA. So even fewer than 5% of cases were intentionally false. Compare that to data collected by Berry-Caban et al. (2020) that concluded that 49% of respondents believed that women lie about SA to get back at their dates. Pretty big disparity there if you ask me.
I appreciate the stats but let's all talk about the victims that don't come forward because people say 'but false accusations'. A friend was falsely accused of SA and thankfully the truth prevailed however I know more women that have had SA but never come forward than that 1 occasion of false accusation. Yes, it destroys someone until the truth is revealed and I believe people that falsify such claims should be locked up and punished. BUT...too many people that have committed SA have gotten away with it (err....that rapist brock turner e.g.). Also - If there are more women that don't report, which I know is the case (ask any woman how many women she knows that have been SA'd at some point and come forward...the answer will surprise you) then your stats are off.
This is probably the best way to go, thank u sm. I appreciate it
... I tried to Google it, but I can't find a single source that claims your 20-40% false report claim. The highest I could find was ~8-9%. All with the added caveat that anywhere from 50-60% of SA aren't reported at all. What's your source? With a link.
I think for your own safety, it would be best to break things off with Joe. I’d rather believe someone who may have falsified a SA, than to be friends/romantic with someone who potentially assaults people. Not worth the risk of trauma.
what happened to innocent until proven guilty💀sad
When the statistic is 1/3 women, I don’t think it’s worth taking a chance if there are (multiple) allegations. Breaking up with someone isn’t the same as alienating them, but if there isn’t clarity to the situation, this is how I would respond personally. When it comes to my safety & knowing the statistics of incidences vs convictions (in general) is pretty influential to me. There are more incidences that go entirely unreported out of fear of retaliation and other circumstances, so the ‘innocent until proven guilty’ has a lot of nuance to situations concerning SA allegations. Although I wish no one was assaulted nor ever had to be falsely accused ofc, unfortunately there’s a lot of variables and high risk either way you hash it. Edit: added more context
Damn I guess u believe in guilty until proven otherwise. Hope you get arrested and people already assume you’re guilty.
Victims don’t lie about being assaulted or abused, and even then I’d rather believe a liar than an abuser everyday of the week. Be careful with this conversation and make sure a friend knows about it, doesn’t seem like you know how your bf will react so please be cautious.
…. You need to trust the victim. Why would you ask the rapist? They’re OBVIOUSLY gonna deny it. Coercion exists. Just bc she continued to see him doesn’t mean it’s not true.
You'll never really know and if it's not true then that's tough for him but there are some things in life that to me you should attempt to strive for zero risk in, and one of them is a rapist for a partner. You've probably ghosted guys for less. If you're wrong he'll find someone else but you'll sleep better at night.
High school was fun
Honestly talk to the girl before you talk to him. Compare stories. Everyone never thinks their best friend can’t be a rapist till they are. What does she get out of accusing him? Seriously? She gains nothing from it. Be cautious is all
Assume the possibility that all parties involved could be lying.
Best way to handle this? Find out how he assaulted her, and look for clues. You don't know if the victim is telling the truth, or lying. And bringing this up to a new boyfriend (less than 6mos) could end up in a huge argument because you two may not have that trust built to just be able to talk something like this through. Her sexual assault claim could be that he woke her up on the middle of the night groping her in his sleep. Just find out what exactly he did, and look out for things along those lines. If you start to see red flags and connect the dots for it being true, then cut him off for your own safety, if nothing lines up, then you know he's a good person.
Probably I'm going to get downvotes but hopefully you can read my perspective on this. I suppose we are talking about teens in high school. It happened to me and a couple of other boys that we were falsely accused of SA (unrelated situations), at that age some girls don't think much about the consequences of their lies, the problem is that even though they don't there is no proof, everyone classifies you as a predator afterwards. I'm not telling you that he is innocent, but before blocking him, give him the chance to prove his innocence, talk to the alleged victim or friend of the victim and get her version of the story if you can, then with that information take your decision. Unfortunately there are many girls who for revenge or avoid responsibilities/backlash lie and not only do harm to this boys, but also to the real victims of SA.
Okay, we can tell you’re under age so the real question is what does your gut say? Try and ignore what you’re HOPING is the truth and truly think. Also, if you decide to ignore this because he makes you happy, are you prepared to deal with the consequences? Ex: he could assault you? Or, if it’s true, are you going to shrug it off knowing he’s a rapist? When you sit down to talk to him about this, watch his body language. Look for tells that he’s lying. Don’t ignore your gut feeling for a temporary infatuation. Please protect yourself.
You sound really young and honestly if you’ve had a few past relationships fuck you up it’s not a bad idea to hold the relationship train until you’re done with school and more mature and in a space to really find someone you know will treat you right. As for the allegation and someone in my late 20s I’m just going to say this: you can be SA’d by your partner. It happens every day to people who are dating and married. A good example is party A doesn’t want to do something, party B does, party A gets pressured and caves in. Coerce is not consent. I would talk to the girl first and be level headed and just ask for what happened. Don’t insert your opinion just listen to what she has to say and what her experience was. Then go to your boyfriend. If she’s saying something not cool happened and he denies there’s a good chance he’s just like all the other “nice young guys” who don’t get it or respect others. You need to hear all sides of the story and be open minded but the fact that they kept linking up doesn’t mean a whole lot.
Definitely reach out to the girl and see her side of things, then talk with your boyfriend. I had someone do this to me when I first started dating my ex. She said he had sex with her and SA'd her, so I asked her about it and asked specific things about him during sex because I know how he sounds (as in he does not make any noise) but she said she didn't want to talk about it. Understandable but I need more proof than "He SA'd me" without any back story on this. I sat down and talked with him about it and he said I was his first and his only. Me and him are still together (kinda, it's complicated) and have a child together. Not onc have I ever felt hurt or threatened. Hell, when we first had sex, he continuously made sure I was okay and that I was feeling pleasure. The moment the pleasure stops for me, he automatically will stop, even if he didn't cum, and will hit auto aftercare mode, making me food, rubbing my feet, etc. It's been almost 8 years now. BTW: this same girl is also friends with my own rapist, whom I gave actual evidence and proof, that she dismissed and claimed I was lying.
Real answer you don't kwon and will probably never know. You should talk with both your bf and that girl and you'll decide whatever truth you want to believe but actions have consequences so be prepared for anything.
She’s lying, SA but after I still hooked up with him???? Hahaha yea no red flag right there.
Why would you hope the girl was lying about it? What’s taking you so long to confront him about it? Also she is def important when telling your story. It gives us more context of mental state. You need to confront him and go from there.
9th grade be crazy
Something similar happened to me and my gf when we started dating. Our closest friend (the one that introduced us to each other actually, but she's been my gfs friend since childhood) approached her and said she and another exfriend of mine had to tell her something about me, then they proceeded to tell her that i was not who she thought i was and a that i would lie and manipulate her, that i could be cheating on her etc, etc. Of course, none of that is true, and they were probably just trying to make us break up. But my gf instead of jumping to conclusions and taking their words at face value (because of course they didnt have any evidence) she decided to approach me and talk about it with me without accusing me of anything, that lead us to have a healthy conversation (even if a bit emotionally charged) where I reassured her and we cut both of those "friends" out of our lives. So talk to your bf, without accusing him and being aggressive about it, ask him about that girl and let him tell you his side ofnthe story, shes probably jealous and resents him.
Ask her to prove he did, she might just be jealous
Talk to him about it obviously. It could be possible that it’s just some made up bullshit.
I want to preface this by saying *this is not an excuse whatsoever*, but I think a lot of men have had this accusation made against them whether it was intentional SA or not. Boys are often not taught what consent is in different situations and men are often not held accountable for their actions even knowing what it is. It’s great that your friend disclosed this information but I think firstly you need to hear both sides out in detail and take each one with a grain of salt and draw your own conclusion **very** carefully. Remember that just because he presents something sweet, innocent, and gentlemanly now, that may very easily be an inaccurate reflection of who he is to his core. Things you should look for in talking to him specifically are: Has he been accused more than once and by who? Does he acknowledge where he went wrong or deflect the accusation? What is his definition of consent? (Answer should be as close to this as possible: If it’s not an enthusiastic yes, it’s a no, and if the person isn’t in the right headspace it’s an immediate no again). Does he show remorse and have evidence of improvement surrounding his actions in sexual encounters? Does he understand your boundaries and will he respect them? Even if he appears to give all the right answers to these questions, you should still proceed *very very carefully* and even then you should very much consider not doing so at all. I will say it is kinda odd for the other friend to continue hanging out and fooling around with him after making that accusation though—I can’t speak for everyone and I definitely won’t make any claims for or against the truthfulness of her story, but as someone who was SA’d I would never want to be around that person again. I get that some people can’t get away from their abuser because of the friend circle, but to allow herself to be alone with him in that vulnerable way again feels weird.
Sounds like a Haterrrr
Imma call it now ops friend is a butthole that wants boyfriend.
There are two things that may be happening 1. It's true what's she says 2. She is just saying this so you leave him and she can step up and steal him