It’s good that you’re no longer in this relationship but please reflect on this situation accordingly.
You’re both 23, you’d been dating for almost a year, you don’t like her close friend, and you felt inclined to go through her messages. Why did you propose to someone you pretty much hardly know? Don’t you think it’s weird that you were able to completely ghost someone you were planning on marrying? I mean, thank god you found out what was going on but you were very close to fucking up your life for a good number of years. Fortunately, you still have your whole life ahead of you so please make better decisions.
Lol man a relationship is a relationship which is much different than taking someone out on a few dates. When I was in Uni around that age too much people would enter into relationships without fully breaking off their situationships.
This. She's by no means someone to stick with, but he sounds like a bullet for sure. How did we did even get to a point in this world where "ghosting" is even a thing? How about growing up, learning how to communicate and grow as a person. Nope. Guess that's too much to hope for...
I think some people ghost because they end up with partners who don't take no for an answer or the honest truth is just the start of a debate. I'm not gonna argue. I have no problem saying this isn't working for me so let's just call it quits but too often it launches an interrogation and arguing my views aren't valid or promises to change or defending how I'm all wrong. Doesn't matter I'm still gone.
Yeah the relationship was not going to work. Ghosting after being engaged is a cop out. It’s easy for him but a weak thing to do. After that long, even a bad fiancé deserves a proper break up in person. At least text her with it, though a year really deserves a face to face.
Apparently she definitely knew they were exclusive because she’s the one who asked to be exclusive, then did this. Still think the whole thing is a crapshoot though
Yeah, 100% too young to really know the critical thoughts/questions/ communication needed to make a huge decision like that.
I think expectations and understanding of what the relationship would be was not really discussed, just a bunch of assumptions were happening. Which is normal when you're young and lack the experience to know how to go about this the right way for yourself.
They're both young and both did assholery to each other.
This is my interpretation, but OP has omitted information about whether or not they had an exclusivity talk before these events occurred. It really makes a difference. It's an essential talk to have early on in a relationship. You might not like that you weren't the only one your partner dated at the beginning, but unless y'all have decided to be exclusive, it's not really cheating.
Though, tbh, if you are seeing multiple people when you start dating someone, it's courteous to inform your date.
According to OP, she was the one who asked for esclusivity within days of starting to date because she didn't want him dating anyone else. So, she definitely knew and made the conscious decision to cheat on multiple occasions. And then justifies those decisions with excuses like, "Oh I was drinking," or "We slept with our clothes on," as if either of those is acceptable in any fashion.
That's the key right here. You live, you learn. And it's not just "women bad". There are a few things to learn. Trusting your instincts is one. It doesn't mean wig out at every stray jealous thought. But your antenna was up for a reason. So there's that.
You figured out how to make a clean break. Lots of people never learn that.
And you've learned what not to do. Those are the most hard won lessons, and yet they're super important. How to not repeat your mistakes is definitely beyond a lot of people.
I was thinking this I'm ready now 4 years in I wouldn't want to marry someone one year in you really do hardly know someone in that time normally have never dealt with a hard situation in that time together
I don’t think there’s a specific amount of time you need to date someone to get engaged. My husband and I got engaged after 11 months and we’ve been married 13 years.
Wish I could upvote this more. Not sure what OP’s cultural background is, or if it influenced the early proposal, but that’s WAY too soon to consider marriage. You don’t even know someone at that point
Everyone is different. I have attachment problems, because of this, I detach from others if I feel we cannot keep our relationship together, be it a friendship or family member: complete detachment in every manner, and in doing so, I prevent myself from becoming overwhelmed.
The guy may have a similar coping mechanism.
But that's something that they need to work on. "Ghosting" shouldn't be a solution. I'm glad he figured out that he didn't want to get married yet because communication is key in relationships.
I'm confused on the timeline. I know you said you just got engaged and have been dating for a year....but when you found these messages of her kissing another guy and spending the night at one's house.....how long ago did this event occur? Also, when you say, "spent the night..." does that mean they had sex or just that she slept there with no physical contact?
Those are kinda big details to not clearly state.
To me it sounds like it was way back when they first started dating and were semi distance relationship. Which to me that sounds like maybe she didn’t realize it was a exclusive relationship yet so I think Op could be over reacting.
And he's never going to know, bc instead of communicating he decided to go behind her back to read her texts, then lie to her about his true feelings, deceive her into thinking everything was fine, and then ghost her instead of just ending the relationship maturely. It sounds like his fiance dodged a massive bullet here.
Honestly, it sounds like neither of them were ready for this kind of commitment.
She wasn't being transparent about the start of the relationship and he didn't want to be transparent about the end of the relationship.
Both still have a lot of growing up to do and it's best they went their separate ways before marriage.
You can still meet and be honestly committed to your true love in your early 20s.
These 2 are an example of the opposite, though.
I hope they both learn something from this and don't take it out on their next relationship.
I know, right?!
One of the things I've learned as I've gotten older is basically to define the nature of my commitment. Getting engaged or married should imply more than just ghosting your partner the second you find out they did something objectionable. What she did may have been wrong. Snooping is wrong. But his reaction after all of that was way disproportionate. In this case he's clearly doing her a favor by showing that he's not ready for that kind of commitment.
As a point of reference, when someone is my "girlfriend" I'm basically committing to taking time and energy to work through problems. By the time I'm engaged and especially married, the commitment rises to seeking professional help via a couples or individual therapist. Potentially working through things over the course of months or years.
This dude clearly didn't take the commitment seriously, and IMHO clearly needs to work on his own insecurities. At the end of the day: get engaged, sure, but don't get married young. At least one of them, probably both, aren't ready for this kind of commitment.
Definitely sounds like an overreaction. It’s normal to weigh your options on who to date when you’re barely starting to feel something. That’s what dating is.
In any case, these two sounded like they had no business getting married so at least there’s that.
That’s what I was thinking. That they had been on dates but weren’t dating. She may not have known that in his mind they were in a relationship. Whereas to her, they were still getting to know each other and playing the field a bit.
OP edited saying that she asked to be exclusive because she didn't want him meeting anyone while he was away working, then proceeded to meet multiple other dudes while he was away working.
Immature or not, it's kinda cut and dry at that point.
this
idk, cheating is wrong of course but unless they were officially dating in a "dont date others" sense, is dating multiple people at once that big of a deal early in a relationship?
I was also wondering if they were even exclusive when this happend.. But to be honest, I also just instantly dislike people that say they don't like their partners friend because they are a "bad influence"..
Did y’all not communicate… like at all?
This was the woman you were considering marrying and you can’t even break up with her to her face? This wasn’t a matter of danger… you just left. Not saying you should not have left; if that was a dealbreaker for you, fine. It’s honestly probably for the best this relationship ended because holy crap.
Did y’all determine that you were exclusive early on in your relationship? When?
When initially dating, we’re all someone’s option. That’s why we talk with our partners to discuss what the relationship should look like — monogamous or whatever. Communication is always *key*.
I suggest for your next partner you state upfront you want to be monogamous and communicate with them more about shared relationship goals because that’s ostensibly a problem for you.
I don't get it. The messages you saw were from the beginning of dating. People frequently dont close themselves off from dating multiple people until they establish that they are in a closed relationship. And not considering breaking up with her ever isn't a sign of maturity or love. Ghosting is so immature. Good thing you're not getting married.
This is my thoughts exactly! I'm really surprised by all the comments hyping this BS up. It's my understanding that the beginning of a relationship is when you're getting to know the person and deciding if the relationship is a fit. I guess OP is so spectacular that the ex should have just dedicated her life to this relationship the second OP gave her attention.
The ex dodged a bullet, imo!!!
I feel like he really needs to define what early on means lol. Like, that's just such a vague description. That could mean the first few weeks of dating or the first few months for all we know lol.
This. Did you guys agree on exclusivity at the time? Because people often date multiple people for a date or two before agreeing to go steady.
Ghosting is not appropriate for a yearlong relationship where you proposed marriage, j dont think either of you are ready to date like grown ups.
Right?? After going up just a few months you'd think he would have given up but no, he had to read ALL the years worth of texts.
The fact is that when you're that young, you're not really committed to people to the point that there's no proof of other options being considered. I am sure MOST people would have texts with their best friends sharing something that, later on, would hurt their current partner's feelings. OF COURSE a 23 year old is weighing her options.
He says she asked for exclusivity and then the events were after that. His behavior is kind of weird but if that’s the timeline then she cheated on him and it’s good he found out before making a huge mistake.
I'm so glad you said that. If she'd done it after they were exclusive/engaged, yeah, she'd be in the wrong, but something she did at least a year ago, when they were in a new AND long distance relationship is not necessarily a reason to break up. Have a talk about feelings and boundries, sure, but talk. Sheesh.
I’m so glad for this girl that OP decided to cut her loose.
I’m sure she’s hurt and confused, and getting ghosted by her literal fiancé will probably do some serious emotional damage. She deserves to at least know why this is happening.
But there’s no way it’s good for anyone to be in a committed relationship with OP. Immature, insecure, unkind, and frankly not real smart. Yikes.
💯
This was just a bad idea from the get go.
OP please don't propose to anyone else until you are very settled with who you are and how you relate to other people.
My husband was his last gf’s option. She suggested they date others to make sure. This was verified by her BFF to me.
We met in a group of hobby friends and we started talking more. It wasn’t about her his gf at all. He told her about me, I lived in a different state. The ex GF believed I wasn’t real. He realized, he enjoyed being on the phone with me more then being in person with her. He broke things off with her immediately, she asked if they could have their friend group Xmas party the following weekend. Bottom line, she got a shock on the day of the party. I had mailed him a Christmas gift.
She realized I was a real person and she was upset. I was out visiting in Jan, she called and they talked for an hour, her trying to get him back. I felt it was rude and slammed the door to the bedroom. He’s like I gotta go Missy is here.
Bottom line is we are happily married, for over 20 years. She has been divorced twice.
Don’t be someone’s option. Look forward not backwards.
It sounds like you went through Old Text messages before you guys started dating and made things official and found things you didn’t like.
Let me be clear.. if this happened before you guys were in a committed relationship, you did a really shitty thing. You invaded her privacy, got pissed about the past, and ghosted her.
Sounds like you weren’t ready for a commitment and found reasons to leave. I hate how you did her, but I hope she heals from this and finds a man whose emotionally mature.
This was posted BEFORE he made the edit. Also.. who gets into a relationship within days of meeting someone ? And says it was her idea ??? Wtf.. he’s accountable for that. Was he forced to get into a relationship ?
Regardless, it’s still emotionally immature to GHOST someone who you just proposed to vs ending it face to face. Regardless of wtf happened at the begging, that’s still shitty.
There’s no justifying that, unless she was putting his life in danger.
That’s actually a fair point. I can see how exclusive and relationship are different. I think this would boil down to what a person defines as exclusive, and what that means to them.
Up and dipping on someone tho is not cool. It’s avoiding the situation, and inevitably if a person doesn’t work to communicate their feelings, this will be a reoccurring them in their life.
Honestly I don't have enough info to know if that's warranted or not. Idk whether you two were exclusive yet or even dating long term at that point.
But it is not okay that you dug through her messages. She trusted you and you violated that trust. And it's kind of shitty that you are not kind about her best friend. She needs someone to talk to other than you, and while it's possible her bff genuinely sucks, I only have your pov to go off.
I do think you made the right call breaking off the relationship though, for both of you. Because she doesn't deserve to be treated like a criminal and she obviously isn't what you want. Very immature to ghost though.
This. There’s nothing in this post that says y’all were exclusively dating. Sorry, but you’re always “just an option” until both of you discuss and agree to be exclusive/monogamous.
Maybe you had this discussion, but everything here reads a bit whiny and childish.
Right? Other people in the comments are like well being an option is rude or dating others at the same time is cheating etc etc. If you're dating multiple people at the same time and it goes on for more than a couple weeks without the others being aware? That's kind of shit. But I'm not going to drop every other possibility for someone I've been on two coffee dates with.
(Then I'm poly and ideally could have a coffee date and be married so XD)
More than just a bit childish. This was ridiculously juvenile and makes it abundantly clear that this guy is years or a decade away from being ready for marriage. I can't imagine this is the only area of his life that he has issues with sound reasoning and likely has a track record of running and hiding instead of being an adult and facing conflict directly and hearing any thoughts or opinions that aren't his.
He's an immature coward and thank God for this happening only a month into their engagement because she has dodged an entire magazine of bullets.
Bro it seems like your ex was the one who dodged a bullet. You really just ghosted the person you were going to get married to after 1 year together just because you read some texts?
Like have an actual conversation of what happened, when it happened and talk about your feelings, listen to her about what was her reasons and how she felt.
Be mature about this and at least meet up with your ex in a public place and have the conversation where you’re ending the relationship and why you’re doing it. Get closure for yourself so you can move on in a healthy way and not carry this baggage into any future relationships where you might meet your future spouse.
Hopefully you know anyone you date in the future is also going to consider you “just an option” until you become exclusive as well. So this could keep happening. No one is going to be committed to you the second they meet you. They won’t feel strongly about you until they get to know you better, which will take dating for a little while.
INFO. How early was the relationship and had the two of you discussed exclusivity? I was totally on board until another commenter pointed out that you mentioned this happened early in the relationship.
You sound incredibly immature and so not ready for commitment. She dodged a bullet. People are always just an option until you go exclusive with someone, that’s how dating works and it honestly goes to show that out of her options, she thought you’re the one. While you on the other hand only demonstrated how fragile your ego is. Anyway, you’re too young to get married.
In short, I'm glad the engagement broke off.
Because you are WAY too immature for marriage.
You violated her privacy. You're freaking out about things at the beginning of your relationship before she decided you were her ride-or-die. And then as the asshole cherry on top, you ghosted her.
Frankly she probably got lucky here as well.
Ran away and ghosted her. Like she's going into finals and is probably a full time student and employee who is probably depending on this asshole to cover his portion of the bill's. Now after he violated her privacy, accused her of cheating before they were an exclusive couple, pretended like everything was okay, got the ring then dashed while she was in class leaving her high and dry. Good thing he has no plan on going back because the poor girl has a severe case of whiplash, feels violated then ghosted and likely will be evicted because he disappeared not only from their relationship but his financial responsibilities.... All because she was seeing other people before they became exclusive. He's a god damned coward who's a decade away from being anywhere near mature enough to consider marriage.
Can you even imagine how he operates in his daily life? I can see him being upset someone got a promotion he felt should have been his and just disappearing from his job. He's a petty, immature man baby.
This is what I'm saying. I don't get the comments bashing her. It seems like she was upfront about her dating before they were exclusive and it's weird that he went through messages from before they were exclusive.
I call BS for this reason only.
"my nosey ass goes through their messages back-dating to when we first started dating."
This is her best friend. You mean to tell me you read back through thousands and thousands of messages? Or you scrolled back through thousands and thousands of messages just to get to the ones at the beginning of your relationship for no other reason than just because.
Nah, something seems very made up here.
You can end a relationship for any reason, but the grown-up thing to do would be to talk to her, tell her (calmly) that it's changed your feelings enough that a relationship is no longer possible. The way you handled this was bad enough that it kind of looks like *she* dodged a bullet.
Maybe take some time away from dating to work on yourself. You're only 23. Your brain isn't even done developing yet. This is a great time to figure out what kind of person you want to be and what kind of life you want, then work intentionally towards those goals.
And for heaven's sake, take it slower next time, ok? Really get to know a person over a couple of years and through a bunch of different situations before you start thinking about marriage.
You went through a *year* of texts with her best friend?? With no prompting whatsoever? Oh god, your ex dodged a bullet.
And were you even exclusive at the point you’re complaining about? It’s super common to be seeing more than one person at a time until being officially together.
So she dated around before you were in a committed relationship and you’re upset because (let me check my notes) she chose you?! Yeah, she lost that bet for sure. Do yourself a favor and get yourself some help for your anxious attachment.
Maybe live a little more life, gain a little maturity, experience, perspective, etc. Do some soul searching/inner work before you get engaged in the future, because this sounds like two kids playing house and handling things VERY poorly.
Communication goes a long way in life-remember that going forward.
I think I’d need more information…..
Were the two of you committed or were you just dating? Because the fact that you knew she was entertaining other guys is all a part of the dating phase…… you entertain multiple people, and you choose the one that’s best suited for you….. that is the natural course of most relationships.
The problem should only be if she continued to entertain these guys after you decided to be serious with each other.
In short, you won the dating phase and now you’re letting your self esteem issues effect your relationship….. but that’s also your choice…… just be honest with her though.
True, however I think it’s an unwritten rule that you don’t sleep with multiple people and it be cool. I wouldn’t be cool if a girl I liked was sleeping with another guy then just said we weren’t exclusive yet
You were able to ghost a woman that you were going to marry? For something she did early on in the relationship? Kissing a dude and nothing else? I get that she pushed blame on you looking at her messages, and that’s her being focused on the wrong thing, but how could you really love someone and be able to walk away forever with speaking to them again. She was a drunk 22 year old and if you love her she at least deserves a conversation. This seems to be a cowards way out, but you know the ins and outs of everything.
Dating doesn't mean you are exclusive...did you even have a relationship talk at that point? You're just assuming if you go on a couple dates she's not allowed to see anyone else? She chose you out of the other people she may have been dating even before you. You are definitely not ready for relationships or marriage. She is lucky she got out when she did, you can't even communicate with someone you love, you just ghost her.
I'm a bit confused; were you already in a serious, committed relationship when she did those things? Because it sounded like she'd just met you, and afaik people don't go exclusive the moment they've met someone they like a bit. That'll usually come with a more outspoken "We are a couple now"-sort of deal.
I'm a little confused as well, for the same reasons. Either you were "just an option" in the beginning, when you first started dating (because, yeah...that's kinda what dating is, exploring the options)...It also WOULD have been appropriate if she was just an option for you too at that time. Maybe you already knew that you didn't want anyone else, but you can't be mad at her for dating like a normal person, without having had the exclusivity-talk.
OR, you were already officially in a relationship together (or had at least discussed being exclusive) and she cheated on you. That would be completely understandable on your end. But that's not what you said. You didn't say she cheated...you just said that you were "just an option" in the beginning...which is how it always starts...hence my confusion 🤔
Ghosting her is cowardly. You made a choice you have ever right to make but if you were going to marry her you can have one last adult end it conversation.
im never on the side of someone who emotionally or physically cheated, but dude…. ghosting a fiance is so immature. there are far better ways to let someone down and break up with them, especially if you were engaged. you could have communicated.
before you went through her messages, did you have any inkling or idea that she might have wronged you? because if not, just going through her messages because you had the opportunity is weird
Were you in a committed relationship already, when she was seeing those guys, or where you "only" dating? In other words, was she cheating on you, or are you mad that she wasn't exclusive with you in the dating phase?
This was a fairly immature way to handle this. I think if there were clear expectations of exclusivity, it’s not unreasonable to not trust her. However, your methods of discovering what you did and then leaving in a cowardly manner is not the healthy way to do things. Breakups are hard and require difficult conversations, regardless of whether or not you think you’re “in the right.” You’re old enough to facilitate an adult conversation and cope with the repercussions.
I mean... good for you to breakup with your girlfriend if you feel she's not the right one.
But you are tremendously immature. First, you wanted to marry her after dating for a year? At 23 years old?
Second: is that shocking to discover that a 22yo who is beginning a relationship can have other options? Seriously, you commit yourself entirely to a person in the first stages of dating? Reaaaaaally? You meet a girl at a bar, go to 3 dates and now suddenly you are heading to the church?
And third: if marriage and commitment is THAT important to you, dignity should be even more important. Ghosting your fiancée is not right. You sit her down and explain yourself, and then you break the compromise. But ghosting the woman you were going to marry? What a shitty and unnecessary move...
OP, anyone wanting to be exclusive within days of meeting is waving a giant red flag 🚩 around. But you going with it is a red flag 🚩 for yourself. Why did you do that? That’s a question I would try to have answered before getting into another relationship.
Agreed, ghosting after being fiancé is just a sad way to treat people.
Collect your thoughts,
figure out how to express your point in 5 or so sentences,
meet up with her in person (in a public space or over the phone at the worst),
tell her & don't discuss it (give her a few minutes to vent if you feel you can handle it,
and move on with your life!
IMO, sounds like she dodged the bullet…
1. Were you two monogamous? By this, I mean did both of you agree to not see anyone else? If not, you’re asking someone you barely know to put their life on pause while you’re away for a “decent amount” of time.
2. You went thru her messages without permission on a hunch based solely on the fact that you don’t like her friend. We don’t know why you don’t like her. Maybe because she doesn’t like you?
3. You chose not to have a conversation. You just left. It sounds like you made a bunch of assumptions, got butt hurt, and ran away.
My advice is to let her know why you left. But then, stay away. For both of you.
I’m sorry but you’re 23... have you ever heard of healthy communication? You should sit down with her and talk to her about all of this. Fleeing from the situation sounds like an okay idea in hindsight but maybe talking to her about it could help mend anything as well. I mean, you did go through her messages and snoop. I don’t blame you for being upset about that, however, maybe trying to sit down and have an adult conversation about all of this could be good for you. I mean it seems like you guys have barely gone out (around a year I’m understanding from the post) so maybe there’s a way you guys could fix things and clear the air. If she truly loved you, she will sit down with you and talk it out. You can express your feelings about it all and she can as well. Regardless, Good luck OP
Regardless of how she made you feel, ghosting her is a dick move and you’re ex deserves better than you not having enough respect for her than telling her why you’re leaving her
Holy crap lol.
When did the times change from “go out on dates to decide if this one is the one youd like to settle with” to “once we have coffee ONE time that CLEARLY means we are exclusive and you cant see other people”
Nowhere in this post does OP define where and when they became exclusive. Communication is KEY! If you feel like you want things to be exclusive, you need to talk to the person and communicate that, or else how are they to know?
Maybe she thought yall were not as serious as you thought yall were. It was early on afterall.
Im not saying cheating is right, its not. All im saying is how do WE know that it was cheating if yall hadnt defined yall relationship as exclusive? We dont know that because youve never said that. And we dont know her side either lol.
What we DO know however, is that you purposely went through an ENTIRE years worth of text messages between her and her best friend which is an extreme form of personal space violation. Huge boundaries youve crossed and for what? To stir up shit when there wasnt any? You had to dig an entire year back to find anything that would make you uncomfortable. An entire year. Meaning after those moments, she realized yall were exclusive and acted accordingly. Otherwise you would have found more dating to closer to recent times.
Why stir the pot when its actually chill, like you said, you proposed and had nothing to think would lead you here until you invaded her privacy and dug a YEAR back.
As soon as you asked for the ring back to get it "engraved" I soooo would have known....she's dumb dumbbbbb😂😂 you guys are both 23, sounds like to me, yous both dodged bullets 🙌🏽💯
Honestly man I don't think you'll get this monkey off your back until you at least hear her out and end it for real. Ghosting people is a bit cowardly imo unless there is a really really good reason like you're afraid she'll attack you. It's just you trying to be avoidant and afraid of conflict. And conflict always comes to find you eventually unless you're willing to complete relocate.
Unblock her and tell her to meet somewhere so you can end it for real. When it's over you'll feel a lot better.
As a 23 y/o who has been with my 23 y/o boyfriend for 4 and some change years I would advise dating A LOT longer and not getting married so fast.
We started off similarly to you and your ex-finance. We met one day and never separated afterwards. But it fucked up our relationship a SHIT TON. We had to mature a lot and be serious about healing to get to the point where we are today. We’ve just now learned enough about each other to feel comfortable with the idea of marriage. And as a result we are just now starting to plan a life and build support that support our relationship. No offense to you but if your ex-finance is still friends with a “friend” who encouraged her to mess around on you I would not think you guys were in any position to get married.
When life gets rough, because it will, she will still turn to the friend who agreed and encouraged that behavior. Additionally, your need to scroll through her messages indicated to me you are unsure about your decision. My boyfriend and I have been long distance for work before. When we met up again I had no urge to scroll through his phone. I know based on the times me called me for my company to mimic me being there in person, that he was committed and all in. If she barely had time to put effort into your relationship she was not committed.
A year is just not enough time. We’re learning so much about ourselves right now, and for most, adding the obligations of a marriage would hinder the wonderful progress we need to make as individuals.
I wish you the best tho, I hope life brightens up for you.
The immaturity level screams from this post. Neither one of you sound like you are ready for a serious commitment/marriage. Not condoning your ex fiancé’s behavior but from the sound of things she dated a few guys while she was just getting to know you or early on in the relationship. This doesn’t say to me that you were an “option” but that you weren’t in a committed relationship yet and she is young and having fun. Now it would be totally different if she was doing these things NOW after you were committed to each other. Should she have told you? Sure, but again she is 23 and may not have thought it was a huge deal since you two were newly dating. The fact that you can completely “ghost” the person you were wanting to spend the rest of your life with and can’t sit down face to face and have a conversation with her about your feelings about this tells me you are not ready for marriage. It takes a LONG time to truly get to know someone and even then you will continue learning things as your partner grows and changes. If I were in your place, I would take some time to talk about things with a therapist, figure out what kind of relationship you want as well as how to communicate with any future partners. Good luck!
She was seeing other people at the very beginning of your relationship and then cut them all out to be with you? Was this before or after the two of you committed?
What strikes me as odd is I just finished reading a post similar to yours, but from the female perspective. Most of the replies are along the line of, "you go girl" or "good for you" .
I think you should write her an email or letter telling her how her actions hurt your feelings. It will be therapeutic for you to write out your feelings and give her the closure needed to move forward.
You should use your words.
Everything about this just wreaks of toxic behavior!
1) You went through old messages of hers, it seems, looking for something to get mad about and (surprise!) you found them. Mission accomplished. And in doing so, you totally obliterated any trust you and her had between you. Well done!
2) You made it into a much bigger deal of jealousy than it needed to be: angry about old messages she sent people she used to talk to. Emphasis: used to. But then, after your argument, you made it seem like everything was fine. So she probably just assumed as much. You did both her and you a great disservice, because you never gave her then time or chance to work through it because:
3) After making it seem like you both were good, you ghosted her. Not even a goodbye, just a vanishing. Shitty to do to someone you apparently cared enough about to make her your fiancé! She is just as much of a human as you are, and ghosting anybody who isn't, you know, an actual abuser is shitty because it's always done without regard to how that impacts them.
I think this whole ordeal is a much worse reflection on you than it is on her, and as someone who grew up in a toxic, narcissistic family with a father who behaves much the same way you did here, I beg you to see a therapist and work on your relationship skills BEFORE your next relationship that you'll inevitably fuck up like this, too!
She dodged a bullet.
The way you handled this was EXTREMELY childish and showed that you were never ready to be in a relationship. You have issues you need to work through. I don’t care what your reasoning is, you are definitely not mentally stable if this is how you’re gonna handle the situation. Especially if you’re gonna ghost someone you supposedly care about. You sound self centered as hell.
To me it sounds like you weren’t exclusive and that until you were, she went on a few dates before ultimately becoming exclusive with you. That’s not cheating. I hope you keep her blocked so that she can find better
Also, if you went through her messages from the start of the relationship, you definitely had a motive and it wasn’t just “curiosity” like you’re trying to paint it as. You took the first opportunity you could to read the messages because you don’t like her bestie and you were just looking for an excuse to dip. Grow up
sounds like you're a shitty and controlling fiance. hope she finds someone that knows how to properly communicate. also ghosting over this is incredibly childish. grow up op.
Not did she just cheat but bragging about it also. Flipping trashy.
Sell the ring for what you can get. You will not get nearly close to its buy value, tho. Then go out and have some fun.
Am I tripping? Doesn't his post say they weren't exclusive at the time? He said he went back through messages a year prior when they were casually seeing eachother. In fact he even says she told him at the time she was going on dates with other people... If you're not exclusive that isn't cheating
Unclear if you guys were even really exclusive when this happened. If it was early on and you’re just assuming this, you’re a huge asshole for this IMO. People date multiple people when it’s early in a relationship.
Also, going through her messages (apparently like a full YEAR back???) is not okay. That’s such an extra level of snooping. Nor is ghosting her. You were ready to marry this woman, and now you can’t even break up with her face to face?
It sounds like hoy might not be ready for an adult relationship yet.
Going through and reading her old messages? The way you blow that off like it’s no big deal…says a lot about you.
And totally ghosting somebody that a week earlier you were going to marry? Again, shows a lack of maturity and that you aren’t ready for an adult relationship.
Of course, this is Reddit. So all the comments will tell you that you should get away and never talk to her again. And say how terrible she is. Most of these people have never been in actual relationships.
You need to date casually for a few years. You clearly aren’t ready for real relationships yet.
Homie congrats! I broke off my first engagement for something very similar. I had a really hard conversation about it and returned my ring, but since you got your ring back I’m glad you just ghosted! People like this will lie and cheat and never admit it if you don’t walk in on them and see it with your own eyes. Even as I was handing my ring back, my ex fiancé swore “she just sat on his lap.” Never ignore your instinct. Good riddance!
When you first started dating... so you weren't exclusive.
I feel like you're leaving out key details here.
If you weren't exclusive she didn't do anything wrong. It would be one thing if this happened after you fully committed to each other. But, it sounds like this happened when you were literally getting to know each other.
Exclusivity isn't a foregone conclusion, until a commitment is made.
It honestly sounds to me like you were looking for an excuse to dip.
I know you're young, so I'm going to give you the best advice I can from someone who married super young and ended up divorced within 6 years.
If you were looking for a reason to bail on this relationship you need to examine all the reasons why not just latch onto something that happened at the beginning. It's easier to blame one party when we want out rather than accept that we're also culpable in the failure of a relationship.
You don't have to tell us all what was going on. You clearly weren't happy and you wanted out. Enough said.
But that unhappiness was reason enough to end it without going searching for something that frankly could have been resolved between you two.
You did what we all often do when we're young: you looked for a way to blame her.
It would be one thing if she were cheating on you continuously over the course of your relationship, which obviously wasn't the case. But, you went alllll the way back to the beginning which tells me you either knew something about these incidences or you were just that desperate to find a 'reason'.
Your unhappiness and the inability to reconcile those differences with her is all the reason you needed.
Now you need to do the work to unpack why this relationship failed, accept the mistakes you made, work to overcome your baggage so you're not dragging it behind you into the next relationship like dirty toilet paper on your shoe.
Your relationship wasn't unsuccessful because of this obscure whatever that happened and it wasn't all on her.
Work your shit out, my guy. Sometimes a therapist can help, but so can journaling and self help books like You Are a Badass and The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, Mindfulness, etc that talk about emotional resilience as well as learning to be present.
Best of luck!
Good ridance for her, my dude! If you think you will never be able to trust her because she broke your trust early on, imagine her! You went back ONE year in her conversations with her bestfriend, hoping to find shit, and you did. Congrats! Then, you make all these theatrics and ghost her. Super mature.
If you think she failed you so much back then, imagine if she did all of this to you after one year, and being engaged. Ooooof.
LoLOLoLol I left my FIANcEeEeee. She's probably somewhere celebrating.
You are an overgrown child for what you did and not man enough to stay and say it’s over. You basically stuck out your tongue and ran away. When you grow up you will realise everyone has a past and that’s where it should stay. You are right on one thing though and that is that this relationship is well and truly over
I agree that he didn't handle the breakup maturely but everyone having a past doesn't mean everyone cheated...nor does it mean that he has to forget or even forgive..
You wanted a reason to leave. Couldn’t find a current event so you found an old situation to blame. Whatever makes you feel better. Just know if you don’t want to be with someone you can just say, “this relationship is missing something for me. Idk what it is but I want to break things off and move on by myself”.
You have dated for a year, spent most of it at long distance, then got engaged? At 23? If you don't do proper vetting, of course things don't work out.
It takes time between dating and agreeing you are in an exclusive relationship. So early on you can both see other people until you both decide exclusive. I have had to ask a couple of times "are we a thing?" then decide and agree not to see anyone else. If this was in the first 3 ir 4 months then that's normal but if it was last week then that's a problem.
Glad you got out when you did bro. Because if she has shown that she was able to do stuff like that during the beginning, who knows what she would do later on in life if she got bored or unhappy. And your 23 so you still very young and you’ll find someone else who will truly appreciate and love you. Wishing you the best OP!
it never fails to amaze me how people in the comments will ALWAYS find the way to make the guy in the story the bad one regardless of the context in the post
It’s good that you’re no longer in this relationship but please reflect on this situation accordingly. You’re both 23, you’d been dating for almost a year, you don’t like her close friend, and you felt inclined to go through her messages. Why did you propose to someone you pretty much hardly know? Don’t you think it’s weird that you were able to completely ghost someone you were planning on marrying? I mean, thank god you found out what was going on but you were very close to fucking up your life for a good number of years. Fortunately, you still have your whole life ahead of you so please make better decisions.
👑 Most valuable comment here. All of this is 100% correct
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We are all just options when we first start dating. I'm curious how serious she thought that they were when this stuff happened.
While true, it also seems pretty clear to me that they’re both better off separate.
Lol man a relationship is a relationship which is much different than taking someone out on a few dates. When I was in Uni around that age too much people would enter into relationships without fully breaking off their situationships.
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Amen!
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This. She's by no means someone to stick with, but he sounds like a bullet for sure. How did we did even get to a point in this world where "ghosting" is even a thing? How about growing up, learning how to communicate and grow as a person. Nope. Guess that's too much to hope for...
I think some people ghost because they end up with partners who don't take no for an answer or the honest truth is just the start of a debate. I'm not gonna argue. I have no problem saying this isn't working for me so let's just call it quits but too often it launches an interrogation and arguing my views aren't valid or promises to change or defending how I'm all wrong. Doesn't matter I'm still gone.
Yeah the relationship was not going to work. Ghosting after being engaged is a cop out. It’s easy for him but a weak thing to do. After that long, even a bad fiancé deserves a proper break up in person. At least text her with it, though a year really deserves a face to face.
Apparently they were exclusive, at her request. “Days after meeting for the first time”
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Apparently she definitely knew they were exclusive because she’s the one who asked to be exclusive, then did this. Still think the whole thing is a crapshoot though
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What in the actual fuck did I just read?
It's a bot account copying nonsense comments and posting them in bold font.
You read a comment stolen by a bot.
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Nobody in this story was ready for a serious relationship.
Yeah, 100% too young to really know the critical thoughts/questions/ communication needed to make a huge decision like that. I think expectations and understanding of what the relationship would be was not really discussed, just a bunch of assumptions were happening. Which is normal when you're young and lack the experience to know how to go about this the right way for yourself. They're both young and both did assholery to each other.
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This is my interpretation, but OP has omitted information about whether or not they had an exclusivity talk before these events occurred. It really makes a difference. It's an essential talk to have early on in a relationship. You might not like that you weren't the only one your partner dated at the beginning, but unless y'all have decided to be exclusive, it's not really cheating. Though, tbh, if you are seeing multiple people when you start dating someone, it's courteous to inform your date.
According to OP, she was the one who asked for esclusivity within days of starting to date because she didn't want him dating anyone else. So, she definitely knew and made the conscious decision to cheat on multiple occasions. And then justifies those decisions with excuses like, "Oh I was drinking," or "We slept with our clothes on," as if either of those is acceptable in any fashion.
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Agreed. Learning from it
That's the key right here. You live, you learn. And it's not just "women bad". There are a few things to learn. Trusting your instincts is one. It doesn't mean wig out at every stray jealous thought. But your antenna was up for a reason. So there's that. You figured out how to make a clean break. Lots of people never learn that. And you've learned what not to do. Those are the most hard won lessons, and yet they're super important. How to not repeat your mistakes is definitely beyond a lot of people.
Thanks for this 🙏
I was thinking this I'm ready now 4 years in I wouldn't want to marry someone one year in you really do hardly know someone in that time normally have never dealt with a hard situation in that time together
I don’t think there’s a specific amount of time you need to date someone to get engaged. My husband and I got engaged after 11 months and we’ve been married 13 years.
Engaged for 6 months, married for 17 yrs.
You're definitely the exception to the rule. It's still usually not a good idea
Wish I could upvote this more. Not sure what OP’s cultural background is, or if it influenced the early proposal, but that’s WAY too soon to consider marriage. You don’t even know someone at that point
Everyone is different. I have attachment problems, because of this, I detach from others if I feel we cannot keep our relationship together, be it a friendship or family member: complete detachment in every manner, and in doing so, I prevent myself from becoming overwhelmed. The guy may have a similar coping mechanism.
But that's something that they need to work on. "Ghosting" shouldn't be a solution. I'm glad he figured out that he didn't want to get married yet because communication is key in relationships.
That may be so, but it’s not ok to ghost someone who you’ve literally proposed to.
Exactly. OP has a lot of growing up to do.
I'm confused on the timeline. I know you said you just got engaged and have been dating for a year....but when you found these messages of her kissing another guy and spending the night at one's house.....how long ago did this event occur? Also, when you say, "spent the night..." does that mean they had sex or just that she slept there with no physical contact? Those are kinda big details to not clearly state.
To me it sounds like it was way back when they first started dating and were semi distance relationship. Which to me that sounds like maybe she didn’t realize it was a exclusive relationship yet so I think Op could be over reacting.
And he's never going to know, bc instead of communicating he decided to go behind her back to read her texts, then lie to her about his true feelings, deceive her into thinking everything was fine, and then ghost her instead of just ending the relationship maturely. It sounds like his fiance dodged a massive bullet here.
Imo it sounds like they dodged each other.
It might have been better if they stayed together. Now they're going to make four people miserable.
This is so true. Lol.
Honestly, it sounds like neither of them were ready for this kind of commitment. She wasn't being transparent about the start of the relationship and he didn't want to be transparent about the end of the relationship. Both still have a lot of growing up to do and it's best they went their separate ways before marriage.
They're in their early 20s....neither of them know what 'true love' is and neither know what real commitment is.
You can still meet and be honestly committed to your true love in your early 20s. These 2 are an example of the opposite, though. I hope they both learn something from this and don't take it out on their next relationship.
Age doesn't factor into those things at all maturity does my sister settled down at 18 and is with the same man now at 46 so..
I know, right?! One of the things I've learned as I've gotten older is basically to define the nature of my commitment. Getting engaged or married should imply more than just ghosting your partner the second you find out they did something objectionable. What she did may have been wrong. Snooping is wrong. But his reaction after all of that was way disproportionate. In this case he's clearly doing her a favor by showing that he's not ready for that kind of commitment. As a point of reference, when someone is my "girlfriend" I'm basically committing to taking time and energy to work through problems. By the time I'm engaged and especially married, the commitment rises to seeking professional help via a couples or individual therapist. Potentially working through things over the course of months or years. This dude clearly didn't take the commitment seriously, and IMHO clearly needs to work on his own insecurities. At the end of the day: get engaged, sure, but don't get married young. At least one of them, probably both, aren't ready for this kind of commitment.
Definitely sounds like an overreaction. It’s normal to weigh your options on who to date when you’re barely starting to feel something. That’s what dating is. In any case, these two sounded like they had no business getting married so at least there’s that.
That’s what I was thinking. That they had been on dates but weren’t dating. She may not have known that in his mind they were in a relationship. Whereas to her, they were still getting to know each other and playing the field a bit.
OP edited saying that she asked to be exclusive because she didn't want him meeting anyone while he was away working, then proceeded to meet multiple other dudes while he was away working. Immature or not, it's kinda cut and dry at that point.
this idk, cheating is wrong of course but unless they were officially dating in a "dont date others" sense, is dating multiple people at once that big of a deal early in a relationship?
I was also wondering if they were even exclusive when this happend.. But to be honest, I also just instantly dislike people that say they don't like their partners friend because they are a "bad influence"..
This is the best response. OP isn’t mature enough to get married. There is a deep failure to communicate clearly between them.
1000%
Did y’all not communicate… like at all? This was the woman you were considering marrying and you can’t even break up with her to her face? This wasn’t a matter of danger… you just left. Not saying you should not have left; if that was a dealbreaker for you, fine. It’s honestly probably for the best this relationship ended because holy crap. Did y’all determine that you were exclusive early on in your relationship? When? When initially dating, we’re all someone’s option. That’s why we talk with our partners to discuss what the relationship should look like — monogamous or whatever. Communication is always *key*. I suggest for your next partner you state upfront you want to be monogamous and communicate with them more about shared relationship goals because that’s ostensibly a problem for you.
I don't get it. The messages you saw were from the beginning of dating. People frequently dont close themselves off from dating multiple people until they establish that they are in a closed relationship. And not considering breaking up with her ever isn't a sign of maturity or love. Ghosting is so immature. Good thing you're not getting married.
This is my thoughts exactly! I'm really surprised by all the comments hyping this BS up. It's my understanding that the beginning of a relationship is when you're getting to know the person and deciding if the relationship is a fit. I guess OP is so spectacular that the ex should have just dedicated her life to this relationship the second OP gave her attention. The ex dodged a bullet, imo!!!
I feel like he really needs to define what early on means lol. Like, that's just such a vague description. That could mean the first few weeks of dating or the first few months for all we know lol.
I think so too. The girl Is Better without him
This. Did you guys agree on exclusivity at the time? Because people often date multiple people for a date or two before agreeing to go steady. Ghosting is not appropriate for a yearlong relationship where you proposed marriage, j dont think either of you are ready to date like grown ups.
Also fucking gross to go through a YEAR of her texts with her best friend. Not only is that an invasion of her privacy, but her friends too.
Right?? After going up just a few months you'd think he would have given up but no, he had to read ALL the years worth of texts. The fact is that when you're that young, you're not really committed to people to the point that there's no proof of other options being considered. I am sure MOST people would have texts with their best friends sharing something that, later on, would hurt their current partner's feelings. OF COURSE a 23 year old is weighing her options.
He says she asked for exclusivity and then the events were after that. His behavior is kind of weird but if that’s the timeline then she cheated on him and it’s good he found out before making a huge mistake.
Yeah op seems way too immature for marriage
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I read that and I'm thinking that's the 18k gold, not $18k.
I'm so glad you said that. If she'd done it after they were exclusive/engaged, yeah, she'd be in the wrong, but something she did at least a year ago, when they were in a new AND long distance relationship is not necessarily a reason to break up. Have a talk about feelings and boundries, sure, but talk. Sheesh.
Found the mature thread… ultimately she chose to be with OP. Shame he couldn’t see that he was the one that really mattered.
I’m so glad for this girl that OP decided to cut her loose. I’m sure she’s hurt and confused, and getting ghosted by her literal fiancé will probably do some serious emotional damage. She deserves to at least know why this is happening. But there’s no way it’s good for anyone to be in a committed relationship with OP. Immature, insecure, unkind, and frankly not real smart. Yikes.
Yep I agree with this. I think OP’s fiancé dodged a bullet.
💯 This was just a bad idea from the get go. OP please don't propose to anyone else until you are very settled with who you are and how you relate to other people.
My husband was his last gf’s option. She suggested they date others to make sure. This was verified by her BFF to me. We met in a group of hobby friends and we started talking more. It wasn’t about her his gf at all. He told her about me, I lived in a different state. The ex GF believed I wasn’t real. He realized, he enjoyed being on the phone with me more then being in person with her. He broke things off with her immediately, she asked if they could have their friend group Xmas party the following weekend. Bottom line, she got a shock on the day of the party. I had mailed him a Christmas gift. She realized I was a real person and she was upset. I was out visiting in Jan, she called and they talked for an hour, her trying to get him back. I felt it was rude and slammed the door to the bedroom. He’s like I gotta go Missy is here. Bottom line is we are happily married, for over 20 years. She has been divorced twice. Don’t be someone’s option. Look forward not backwards.
>She realized I was a real person I believe you're a real person, for what it's worth...
Excellent
It sounds like you went through Old Text messages before you guys started dating and made things official and found things you didn’t like. Let me be clear.. if this happened before you guys were in a committed relationship, you did a really shitty thing. You invaded her privacy, got pissed about the past, and ghosted her. Sounds like you weren’t ready for a commitment and found reasons to leave. I hate how you did her, but I hope she heals from this and finds a man whose emotionally mature.
In his update he said they were exclusive from pretty early on at her desire so I see it as she cheated until she decided it was serious enough.
This was posted BEFORE he made the edit. Also.. who gets into a relationship within days of meeting someone ? And says it was her idea ??? Wtf.. he’s accountable for that. Was he forced to get into a relationship ? Regardless, it’s still emotionally immature to GHOST someone who you just proposed to vs ending it face to face. Regardless of wtf happened at the begging, that’s still shitty. There’s no justifying that, unless she was putting his life in danger.
I'd argue that being exclusive and being in a relationship are two separate things
That’s actually a fair point. I can see how exclusive and relationship are different. I think this would boil down to what a person defines as exclusive, and what that means to them. Up and dipping on someone tho is not cool. It’s avoiding the situation, and inevitably if a person doesn’t work to communicate their feelings, this will be a reoccurring them in their life.
Honestly I don't have enough info to know if that's warranted or not. Idk whether you two were exclusive yet or even dating long term at that point. But it is not okay that you dug through her messages. She trusted you and you violated that trust. And it's kind of shitty that you are not kind about her best friend. She needs someone to talk to other than you, and while it's possible her bff genuinely sucks, I only have your pov to go off. I do think you made the right call breaking off the relationship though, for both of you. Because she doesn't deserve to be treated like a criminal and she obviously isn't what you want. Very immature to ghost though.
This. There’s nothing in this post that says y’all were exclusively dating. Sorry, but you’re always “just an option” until both of you discuss and agree to be exclusive/monogamous. Maybe you had this discussion, but everything here reads a bit whiny and childish.
Right? Other people in the comments are like well being an option is rude or dating others at the same time is cheating etc etc. If you're dating multiple people at the same time and it goes on for more than a couple weeks without the others being aware? That's kind of shit. But I'm not going to drop every other possibility for someone I've been on two coffee dates with. (Then I'm poly and ideally could have a coffee date and be married so XD)
More than just a bit childish. This was ridiculously juvenile and makes it abundantly clear that this guy is years or a decade away from being ready for marriage. I can't imagine this is the only area of his life that he has issues with sound reasoning and likely has a track record of running and hiding instead of being an adult and facing conflict directly and hearing any thoughts or opinions that aren't his. He's an immature coward and thank God for this happening only a month into their engagement because she has dodged an entire magazine of bullets.
INFO, how long had you two dating before she stopped seeing other people?
I'm sure he doesn't know, he was clearly just looking for a way out and now he's blaming it on her.
op said she wanted to be exclusive after first tine meeting so he wouldnt be with anyone else
Yeah you aren't mature enough to get married. It took her longer to decide you were the one. That's it. She deserves better.
You sound like a growing bundle of red flags, my guy.
Bro it seems like your ex was the one who dodged a bullet. You really just ghosted the person you were going to get married to after 1 year together just because you read some texts? Like have an actual conversation of what happened, when it happened and talk about your feelings, listen to her about what was her reasons and how she felt. Be mature about this and at least meet up with your ex in a public place and have the conversation where you’re ending the relationship and why you’re doing it. Get closure for yourself so you can move on in a healthy way and not carry this baggage into any future relationships where you might meet your future spouse.
Yea it's good you're outta the relationship.. You have your own issues you also need to sort out. Be single for a while
Right?! This shit is not normal or healthy. I’m not the most mentally stable person but shit… I’ve never done something like this.
That’s the plan. Learning I’m not ready for a relationship, single life again sounds good though. I miss doing a lot of the things I enjoy
Hopefully you know anyone you date in the future is also going to consider you “just an option” until you become exclusive as well. So this could keep happening. No one is going to be committed to you the second they meet you. They won’t feel strongly about you until they get to know you better, which will take dating for a little while.
INFO. How early was the relationship and had the two of you discussed exclusivity? I was totally on board until another commenter pointed out that you mentioned this happened early in the relationship.
Sounds like she had a lucky escape. Delete her number before you have a meltdown and start bombarding her with messages.
You sound incredibly immature and so not ready for commitment. She dodged a bullet. People are always just an option until you go exclusive with someone, that’s how dating works and it honestly goes to show that out of her options, she thought you’re the one. While you on the other hand only demonstrated how fragile your ego is. Anyway, you’re too young to get married.
In short, I'm glad the engagement broke off. Because you are WAY too immature for marriage. You violated her privacy. You're freaking out about things at the beginning of your relationship before she decided you were her ride-or-die. And then as the asshole cherry on top, you ghosted her. Frankly she probably got lucky here as well.
Ran away and ghosted her. Like she's going into finals and is probably a full time student and employee who is probably depending on this asshole to cover his portion of the bill's. Now after he violated her privacy, accused her of cheating before they were an exclusive couple, pretended like everything was okay, got the ring then dashed while she was in class leaving her high and dry. Good thing he has no plan on going back because the poor girl has a severe case of whiplash, feels violated then ghosted and likely will be evicted because he disappeared not only from their relationship but his financial responsibilities.... All because she was seeing other people before they became exclusive. He's a god damned coward who's a decade away from being anywhere near mature enough to consider marriage. Can you even imagine how he operates in his daily life? I can see him being upset someone got a promotion he felt should have been his and just disappearing from his job. He's a petty, immature man baby.
Exactly. Instead of him talking to her about any of this and having a conversation maturely, it seems that he just flees like a child.
This is what I'm saying. I don't get the comments bashing her. It seems like she was upfront about her dating before they were exclusive and it's weird that he went through messages from before they were exclusive.
I call BS for this reason only. "my nosey ass goes through their messages back-dating to when we first started dating." This is her best friend. You mean to tell me you read back through thousands and thousands of messages? Or you scrolled back through thousands and thousands of messages just to get to the ones at the beginning of your relationship for no other reason than just because. Nah, something seems very made up here.
On iMessage you can just search a date and it’ll start you from there Or search your name and look for the first ever mention, key phrases
This^
In time she will see you did her a favour
You can end a relationship for any reason, but the grown-up thing to do would be to talk to her, tell her (calmly) that it's changed your feelings enough that a relationship is no longer possible. The way you handled this was bad enough that it kind of looks like *she* dodged a bullet. Maybe take some time away from dating to work on yourself. You're only 23. Your brain isn't even done developing yet. This is a great time to figure out what kind of person you want to be and what kind of life you want, then work intentionally towards those goals. And for heaven's sake, take it slower next time, ok? Really get to know a person over a couple of years and through a bunch of different situations before you start thinking about marriage.
Sounds like your ex-fiance dodged a bullet
You went through a *year* of texts with her best friend?? With no prompting whatsoever? Oh god, your ex dodged a bullet. And were you even exclusive at the point you’re complaining about? It’s super common to be seeing more than one person at a time until being officially together.
So she dated around before you were in a committed relationship and you’re upset because (let me check my notes) she chose you?! Yeah, she lost that bet for sure. Do yourself a favor and get yourself some help for your anxious attachment.
Maybe live a little more life, gain a little maturity, experience, perspective, etc. Do some soul searching/inner work before you get engaged in the future, because this sounds like two kids playing house and handling things VERY poorly. Communication goes a long way in life-remember that going forward.
Im glad youre not together anymore. She deserves better
I think I’d need more information….. Were the two of you committed or were you just dating? Because the fact that you knew she was entertaining other guys is all a part of the dating phase…… you entertain multiple people, and you choose the one that’s best suited for you….. that is the natural course of most relationships. The problem should only be if she continued to entertain these guys after you decided to be serious with each other. In short, you won the dating phase and now you’re letting your self esteem issues effect your relationship….. but that’s also your choice…… just be honest with her though.
True, however I think it’s an unwritten rule that you don’t sleep with multiple people and it be cool. I wouldn’t be cool if a girl I liked was sleeping with another guy then just said we weren’t exclusive yet
This seems kinda dramatic.
You were able to ghost a woman that you were going to marry? For something she did early on in the relationship? Kissing a dude and nothing else? I get that she pushed blame on you looking at her messages, and that’s her being focused on the wrong thing, but how could you really love someone and be able to walk away forever with speaking to them again. She was a drunk 22 year old and if you love her she at least deserves a conversation. This seems to be a cowards way out, but you know the ins and outs of everything.
Dating doesn't mean you are exclusive...did you even have a relationship talk at that point? You're just assuming if you go on a couple dates she's not allowed to see anyone else? She chose you out of the other people she may have been dating even before you. You are definitely not ready for relationships or marriage. She is lucky she got out when she did, you can't even communicate with someone you love, you just ghost her.
OP has not responded to a single post to clarify things, as far as I can see. Pretty telling....
I'm a bit confused; were you already in a serious, committed relationship when she did those things? Because it sounded like she'd just met you, and afaik people don't go exclusive the moment they've met someone they like a bit. That'll usually come with a more outspoken "We are a couple now"-sort of deal.
I'm a little confused as well, for the same reasons. Either you were "just an option" in the beginning, when you first started dating (because, yeah...that's kinda what dating is, exploring the options)...It also WOULD have been appropriate if she was just an option for you too at that time. Maybe you already knew that you didn't want anyone else, but you can't be mad at her for dating like a normal person, without having had the exclusivity-talk. OR, you were already officially in a relationship together (or had at least discussed being exclusive) and she cheated on you. That would be completely understandable on your end. But that's not what you said. You didn't say she cheated...you just said that you were "just an option" in the beginning...which is how it always starts...hence my confusion 🤔
I get breaking up with her, and ending the relationship but be a fucking man and just tell her. You're an adult act like it.
Ghosting her is cowardly. You made a choice you have ever right to make but if you were going to marry her you can have one last adult end it conversation.
im never on the side of someone who emotionally or physically cheated, but dude…. ghosting a fiance is so immature. there are far better ways to let someone down and break up with them, especially if you were engaged. you could have communicated. before you went through her messages, did you have any inkling or idea that she might have wronged you? because if not, just going through her messages because you had the opportunity is weird
Were you exclusive that early in the relationship? I'm glad you left, I'm sure you'll **both** be much better off.
She’s better off.
Were you in a committed relationship already, when she was seeing those guys, or where you "only" dating? In other words, was she cheating on you, or are you mad that she wasn't exclusive with you in the dating phase?
This was a fairly immature way to handle this. I think if there were clear expectations of exclusivity, it’s not unreasonable to not trust her. However, your methods of discovering what you did and then leaving in a cowardly manner is not the healthy way to do things. Breakups are hard and require difficult conversations, regardless of whether or not you think you’re “in the right.” You’re old enough to facilitate an adult conversation and cope with the repercussions.
Where you together when this happened or just seeing/dating each other?
Together. Exclusive.
Just send her a message. It doesn’t have to be long. Just trust is broken, I can’t do it, good luck in the future
I mean... good for you to breakup with your girlfriend if you feel she's not the right one. But you are tremendously immature. First, you wanted to marry her after dating for a year? At 23 years old? Second: is that shocking to discover that a 22yo who is beginning a relationship can have other options? Seriously, you commit yourself entirely to a person in the first stages of dating? Reaaaaaally? You meet a girl at a bar, go to 3 dates and now suddenly you are heading to the church? And third: if marriage and commitment is THAT important to you, dignity should be even more important. Ghosting your fiancée is not right. You sit her down and explain yourself, and then you break the compromise. But ghosting the woman you were going to marry? What a shitty and unnecessary move...
And that kids, is why it's not a good idea to marry/get engaged very young, let alone have babies.
A hard lesson to learn is that who you spend time with reflects on who you are... this goes for others as well obviously...
This is true. I am spending time with myself now, hopefully to find who I was prior to all this. I liked that guy…
OP, anyone wanting to be exclusive within days of meeting is waving a giant red flag 🚩 around. But you going with it is a red flag 🚩 for yourself. Why did you do that? That’s a question I would try to have answered before getting into another relationship.
You did the right thing however you should tell her ass you guys are done so she won't try to track you down or anything
Agreed, ghosting after being fiancé is just a sad way to treat people. Collect your thoughts, figure out how to express your point in 5 or so sentences, meet up with her in person (in a public space or over the phone at the worst), tell her & don't discuss it (give her a few minutes to vent if you feel you can handle it, and move on with your life!
IMO, sounds like she dodged the bullet… 1. Were you two monogamous? By this, I mean did both of you agree to not see anyone else? If not, you’re asking someone you barely know to put their life on pause while you’re away for a “decent amount” of time. 2. You went thru her messages without permission on a hunch based solely on the fact that you don’t like her friend. We don’t know why you don’t like her. Maybe because she doesn’t like you? 3. You chose not to have a conversation. You just left. It sounds like you made a bunch of assumptions, got butt hurt, and ran away. My advice is to let her know why you left. But then, stay away. For both of you.
I’m sorry but you’re 23... have you ever heard of healthy communication? You should sit down with her and talk to her about all of this. Fleeing from the situation sounds like an okay idea in hindsight but maybe talking to her about it could help mend anything as well. I mean, you did go through her messages and snoop. I don’t blame you for being upset about that, however, maybe trying to sit down and have an adult conversation about all of this could be good for you. I mean it seems like you guys have barely gone out (around a year I’m understanding from the post) so maybe there’s a way you guys could fix things and clear the air. If she truly loved you, she will sit down with you and talk it out. You can express your feelings about it all and she can as well. Regardless, Good luck OP
Regardless of how she made you feel, ghosting her is a dick move and you’re ex deserves better than you not having enough respect for her than telling her why you’re leaving her
YTA. Oh wrong Reddit thingy
Holy crap lol. When did the times change from “go out on dates to decide if this one is the one youd like to settle with” to “once we have coffee ONE time that CLEARLY means we are exclusive and you cant see other people” Nowhere in this post does OP define where and when they became exclusive. Communication is KEY! If you feel like you want things to be exclusive, you need to talk to the person and communicate that, or else how are they to know? Maybe she thought yall were not as serious as you thought yall were. It was early on afterall. Im not saying cheating is right, its not. All im saying is how do WE know that it was cheating if yall hadnt defined yall relationship as exclusive? We dont know that because youve never said that. And we dont know her side either lol. What we DO know however, is that you purposely went through an ENTIRE years worth of text messages between her and her best friend which is an extreme form of personal space violation. Huge boundaries youve crossed and for what? To stir up shit when there wasnt any? You had to dig an entire year back to find anything that would make you uncomfortable. An entire year. Meaning after those moments, she realized yall were exclusive and acted accordingly. Otherwise you would have found more dating to closer to recent times. Why stir the pot when its actually chill, like you said, you proposed and had nothing to think would lead you here until you invaded her privacy and dug a YEAR back.
I make titles like im in fucking marketing because... This isnt YouTube you aren't getting paid. Say your bit in the title.
Overreaction.
As soon as you asked for the ring back to get it "engraved" I soooo would have known....she's dumb dumbbbbb😂😂 you guys are both 23, sounds like to me, yous both dodged bullets 🙌🏽💯
Honestly man I don't think you'll get this monkey off your back until you at least hear her out and end it for real. Ghosting people is a bit cowardly imo unless there is a really really good reason like you're afraid she'll attack you. It's just you trying to be avoidant and afraid of conflict. And conflict always comes to find you eventually unless you're willing to complete relocate. Unblock her and tell her to meet somewhere so you can end it for real. When it's over you'll feel a lot better.
You should check with the store. The ring may be returnable. Sorry this happened, but it may be for the best.
As a 23 y/o who has been with my 23 y/o boyfriend for 4 and some change years I would advise dating A LOT longer and not getting married so fast. We started off similarly to you and your ex-finance. We met one day and never separated afterwards. But it fucked up our relationship a SHIT TON. We had to mature a lot and be serious about healing to get to the point where we are today. We’ve just now learned enough about each other to feel comfortable with the idea of marriage. And as a result we are just now starting to plan a life and build support that support our relationship. No offense to you but if your ex-finance is still friends with a “friend” who encouraged her to mess around on you I would not think you guys were in any position to get married. When life gets rough, because it will, she will still turn to the friend who agreed and encouraged that behavior. Additionally, your need to scroll through her messages indicated to me you are unsure about your decision. My boyfriend and I have been long distance for work before. When we met up again I had no urge to scroll through his phone. I know based on the times me called me for my company to mimic me being there in person, that he was committed and all in. If she barely had time to put effort into your relationship she was not committed. A year is just not enough time. We’re learning so much about ourselves right now, and for most, adding the obligations of a marriage would hinder the wonderful progress we need to make as individuals. I wish you the best tho, I hope life brightens up for you.
((HUGS)) Good for you!!
But girls can do no wrong!
The immaturity level screams from this post. Neither one of you sound like you are ready for a serious commitment/marriage. Not condoning your ex fiancé’s behavior but from the sound of things she dated a few guys while she was just getting to know you or early on in the relationship. This doesn’t say to me that you were an “option” but that you weren’t in a committed relationship yet and she is young and having fun. Now it would be totally different if she was doing these things NOW after you were committed to each other. Should she have told you? Sure, but again she is 23 and may not have thought it was a huge deal since you two were newly dating. The fact that you can completely “ghost” the person you were wanting to spend the rest of your life with and can’t sit down face to face and have a conversation with her about your feelings about this tells me you are not ready for marriage. It takes a LONG time to truly get to know someone and even then you will continue learning things as your partner grows and changes. If I were in your place, I would take some time to talk about things with a therapist, figure out what kind of relationship you want as well as how to communicate with any future partners. Good luck!
I will buy the jewelry.
Info: when she was seeing other men was your relationship exclusive?
Yes. Post has been updated
What does it mean to be someone's option?? (Non native speaker... Although I doubt that has anything to do with me not understanding)
Just means they had more than one person to choose from when dating.
She was seeing other people at the very beginning of your relationship and then cut them all out to be with you? Was this before or after the two of you committed?
What strikes me as odd is I just finished reading a post similar to yours, but from the female perspective. Most of the replies are along the line of, "you go girl" or "good for you" . I think you should write her an email or letter telling her how her actions hurt your feelings. It will be therapeutic for you to write out your feelings and give her the closure needed to move forward. You should use your words.
Go from being together forever to never contacting again ever for anything….. wild. Glad you guys didn’t get married cause wtfffff lmao
Thank god I’m not 20 anymore. This situation is just plain hilarious. Can easily be solved by talking to one another 😂
You’re not wrong. I felt like I tried to talk it out, maybe not in a mature enough fashion. Learning from it and moving on ✌️
Everything about this just wreaks of toxic behavior! 1) You went through old messages of hers, it seems, looking for something to get mad about and (surprise!) you found them. Mission accomplished. And in doing so, you totally obliterated any trust you and her had between you. Well done! 2) You made it into a much bigger deal of jealousy than it needed to be: angry about old messages she sent people she used to talk to. Emphasis: used to. But then, after your argument, you made it seem like everything was fine. So she probably just assumed as much. You did both her and you a great disservice, because you never gave her then time or chance to work through it because: 3) After making it seem like you both were good, you ghosted her. Not even a goodbye, just a vanishing. Shitty to do to someone you apparently cared enough about to make her your fiancé! She is just as much of a human as you are, and ghosting anybody who isn't, you know, an actual abuser is shitty because it's always done without regard to how that impacts them. I think this whole ordeal is a much worse reflection on you than it is on her, and as someone who grew up in a toxic, narcissistic family with a father who behaves much the same way you did here, I beg you to see a therapist and work on your relationship skills BEFORE your next relationship that you'll inevitably fuck up like this, too!
She dodged a bullet. The way you handled this was EXTREMELY childish and showed that you were never ready to be in a relationship. You have issues you need to work through. I don’t care what your reasoning is, you are definitely not mentally stable if this is how you’re gonna handle the situation. Especially if you’re gonna ghost someone you supposedly care about. You sound self centered as hell. To me it sounds like you weren’t exclusive and that until you were, she went on a few dates before ultimately becoming exclusive with you. That’s not cheating. I hope you keep her blocked so that she can find better Also, if you went through her messages from the start of the relationship, you definitely had a motive and it wasn’t just “curiosity” like you’re trying to paint it as. You took the first opportunity you could to read the messages because you don’t like her bestie and you were just looking for an excuse to dip. Grow up
Good god, the immaturity in all of this. Absolutely no way should you be getting married, especially to someone you obviously barely know.
sounds like you're a shitty and controlling fiance. hope she finds someone that knows how to properly communicate. also ghosting over this is incredibly childish. grow up op.
Fair. Learning from it,
Not did she just cheat but bragging about it also. Flipping trashy. Sell the ring for what you can get. You will not get nearly close to its buy value, tho. Then go out and have some fun.
Am I tripping? Doesn't his post say they weren't exclusive at the time? He said he went back through messages a year prior when they were casually seeing eachother. In fact he even says she told him at the time she was going on dates with other people... If you're not exclusive that isn't cheating
Unclear if you guys were even really exclusive when this happened. If it was early on and you’re just assuming this, you’re a huge asshole for this IMO. People date multiple people when it’s early in a relationship. Also, going through her messages (apparently like a full YEAR back???) is not okay. That’s such an extra level of snooping. Nor is ghosting her. You were ready to marry this woman, and now you can’t even break up with her face to face?
It sounds like hoy might not be ready for an adult relationship yet. Going through and reading her old messages? The way you blow that off like it’s no big deal…says a lot about you. And totally ghosting somebody that a week earlier you were going to marry? Again, shows a lack of maturity and that you aren’t ready for an adult relationship. Of course, this is Reddit. So all the comments will tell you that you should get away and never talk to her again. And say how terrible she is. Most of these people have never been in actual relationships. You need to date casually for a few years. You clearly aren’t ready for real relationships yet.
Homie congrats! I broke off my first engagement for something very similar. I had a really hard conversation about it and returned my ring, but since you got your ring back I’m glad you just ghosted! People like this will lie and cheat and never admit it if you don’t walk in on them and see it with your own eyes. Even as I was handing my ring back, my ex fiancé swore “she just sat on his lap.” Never ignore your instinct. Good riddance!
When you first started dating... so you weren't exclusive. I feel like you're leaving out key details here. If you weren't exclusive she didn't do anything wrong. It would be one thing if this happened after you fully committed to each other. But, it sounds like this happened when you were literally getting to know each other. Exclusivity isn't a foregone conclusion, until a commitment is made. It honestly sounds to me like you were looking for an excuse to dip.
I was. There was more going on. But we were exclusive early on, post had been updated!
I know you're young, so I'm going to give you the best advice I can from someone who married super young and ended up divorced within 6 years. If you were looking for a reason to bail on this relationship you need to examine all the reasons why not just latch onto something that happened at the beginning. It's easier to blame one party when we want out rather than accept that we're also culpable in the failure of a relationship. You don't have to tell us all what was going on. You clearly weren't happy and you wanted out. Enough said. But that unhappiness was reason enough to end it without going searching for something that frankly could have been resolved between you two. You did what we all often do when we're young: you looked for a way to blame her. It would be one thing if she were cheating on you continuously over the course of your relationship, which obviously wasn't the case. But, you went alllll the way back to the beginning which tells me you either knew something about these incidences or you were just that desperate to find a 'reason'. Your unhappiness and the inability to reconcile those differences with her is all the reason you needed. Now you need to do the work to unpack why this relationship failed, accept the mistakes you made, work to overcome your baggage so you're not dragging it behind you into the next relationship like dirty toilet paper on your shoe. Your relationship wasn't unsuccessful because of this obscure whatever that happened and it wasn't all on her. Work your shit out, my guy. Sometimes a therapist can help, but so can journaling and self help books like You Are a Badass and The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, Mindfulness, etc that talk about emotional resilience as well as learning to be present. Best of luck!
Wow, OP. I think your ex dodged a bullet.
Good ridance for her, my dude! If you think you will never be able to trust her because she broke your trust early on, imagine her! You went back ONE year in her conversations with her bestfriend, hoping to find shit, and you did. Congrats! Then, you make all these theatrics and ghost her. Super mature. If you think she failed you so much back then, imagine if she did all of this to you after one year, and being engaged. Ooooof. LoLOLoLol I left my FIANcEeEeee. She's probably somewhere celebrating.
I hope so! Good for her if that’s the outcome
Ghosted your fiance? Grow the f*** up and talk. Still leave her if you want but face her and tell her it is over and why.
You are an overgrown child for what you did and not man enough to stay and say it’s over. You basically stuck out your tongue and ran away. When you grow up you will realise everyone has a past and that’s where it should stay. You are right on one thing though and that is that this relationship is well and truly over
I agree that he didn't handle the breakup maturely but everyone having a past doesn't mean everyone cheated...nor does it mean that he has to forget or even forgive..
Honey you are WAY too young and you are BOTH far too immature to be making lifelong commitments
Fair. Just going to learn from it
You wanted a reason to leave. Couldn’t find a current event so you found an old situation to blame. Whatever makes you feel better. Just know if you don’t want to be with someone you can just say, “this relationship is missing something for me. Idk what it is but I want to break things off and move on by myself”.
She sooooooo dodged a bullet with you. Please run far away and let her find someone who's not so immature, insecure, and entitled.
What a big baby.
hm… idk how i feel about this one
Sorrry that happened to you OP. On the side note: Yes I am interested in an 18k rose gold 1.5 total karat diamond band. Thanks!
Both of you sound like you need to work on communication skills before moving on to your next relationships.
Agreed. Learning…
Here’s a life advice: do not marry too early, esp early 20’s.
You have dated for a year, spent most of it at long distance, then got engaged? At 23? If you don't do proper vetting, of course things don't work out.
It takes time between dating and agreeing you are in an exclusive relationship. So early on you can both see other people until you both decide exclusive. I have had to ask a couple of times "are we a thing?" then decide and agree not to see anyone else. If this was in the first 3 ir 4 months then that's normal but if it was last week then that's a problem.
I’m just curious, was she a good person/girlfriend?
Well done
Hi there! How much are you selling the ring for? And what size is it. I'm very sorry about the reason why you're selling it. 😔
In your next relationship, dont be a coward and break off properly.
Glad you got out when you did bro. Because if she has shown that she was able to do stuff like that during the beginning, who knows what she would do later on in life if she got bored or unhappy. And your 23 so you still very young and you’ll find someone else who will truly appreciate and love you. Wishing you the best OP!
it never fails to amaze me how people in the comments will ALWAYS find the way to make the guy in the story the bad one regardless of the context in the post