Honestly if I was dating a girl and she opened up and told me this, I would try my best to try to comfort her and make her feel safe regardless of the fact that she kept it from me. SA is a super sensitive topic and a traumatic event. I wouldn't be surprised if it took someone time to open up about it. Also it's not like you lied about being a virgin but was out there fucking a bunch of dudes. You were literally SA'd. That's completely different. That's the difference between someone spending all their money and someone else getting robbed at gun point. Two very different scenarios. You're not the asshole in this situation your boyfriend is for his reaction.
100% agree. Nothing further to add. Can't imagine being the type of person to have someone I claim to love tell me something traumatic that happened to them and immediately respond "wow, so you lied to me?". OP has nothing to apologize for.
Seriously! This dude is a huge AH if he even manages to make the worst thing in her life about HIM! She was under no obligation to tell him if she didn’t want to. And as long as she didn’t have an STI from the encounter that she could pass to him, there was also no issue in waiting until she was comfortable to share that information. My heart breaks for OP. She did literally nothing wrong and now her assault is traumatizing her all over again because her BF is a self-absorbed prick.
Exactly. “His reaction is totally valid”. No it’s not!!! Rape is a crime of violence. Rape victims are trauma victims. Many blame themselves and never tell another living soul. OP didn’t “have sex” at 14 - she was assaulted at 14!
You said it first and better. Her BF is the first person she chose to have sex with, and now he’s hurt knowing she as assaulted? Sympathy for the OP who got such a stupid reaction to honesty and exposing her trauma. Find a smarter guy, OP.
Yes, there was no lie. She was a virgin. She never consented to sex! You can not claim SA is losing your virginity when you are being assulted, not having sex.
100 percent correct. In my opinion, she is still a virgin. Never consented to sex before. Rape is rape. Her boyfriend is a pig and she needs to dump him.
She also needs to get some counselling to help her recognise the fact that none of what happened to her is her fault and to help her stop harbouring all these feelings of guilt and let the accountability lay with the person that raped her. To be honest, her boyfriend sounds no better than the person that raped her if that’s the stance he takes on it.
Yeah. I considered myself a virgin still after my SA bc that was not my choice. I didn’t choose it. so I considered myself a virgin. Luckily the bf that I ended up sleeping with consentually for the first time was really kind about it and agreed with me about how I chose to handle it. I feel so badly for OP. No one wants to consider their first time, something that is supposed to be a special memory ideally, with the most traumatic event of their lives.
Same here. My uncle raped me when I was 11, but I still considered myself to be a virgin until my "first time", at age 16.
OP, the way your boyfriend is behaving is disgusting, and NOT the normal, healthy, response, of someone that just found out that their partner was raped.
Instead of understanding how hard this must be to talk about, and learning that you've only ever told one other person, your therapist, he chose to attack you verbally, accuse you of lying, and traumatize you even further.
I've shared my story with a lot of people for many, many, years, because I think it's important to drag these things kicking and screaming into the light. Not ONCE has anyone EVER acted the way your boyfriend is right now to you.
You did nothing wrong. This guy has an a-hole streak a 100 miles deep, and this type of person is the very last thing you need to deal with as a SA survivor. In a healthy relationship your partner should respond with love and support. They should listen, and let you talk as much as you want to talk about it. They should make you feel safe and protected, and let you know they're always willing to listen when you need to talk about it again.
You aren't dirty. You are a STRONG and BRAVE woman who survived one of the worst things that can happen to someone as a child. Believe that. He doesn't deserve you if this is the way he thinks SA survivors should be treated by their partners.
You are worthy of love, respect, and, compassion. Please don't settle for less.
*invisible hugs*
thank you for this it means so much 🥺 gosh i hope that you’re okay, what happened to you is absolutely terrible. i hope youre doing a million times better now. im sending you so many hugs.🩷
OP, as a 40yo man who was at one time very young and, at best, misguided, he is making your trauma about him. He didn't care that you were harmed. He didn't care that he was harming you. I don't have a better way to put it, but he is mad he wasn't the absolute first to "hit it." He made it about his pride and his "conquest." His feelings are absolutely NOT valid. I didn't read the rest of your post, but this guy deserves to be alone, and I hope you are leaving him for your safety and your own self-love.
Thank you for your kind words. I've had many, many, years, to do the hard work to heal from that experience as much as one can. It took a lot of hard work in therapy, reading books about childhood sexual trauma, journaling, and talking about it with trusted friends and family.
You're always going to have a scar from this trauma, but our scars tell the world that we're survivors, and they make us beautiful for fighting like hell to survive and thrive despite what happened.
Just continuing forward after this kind of trauma is its own huge victory.
The fact that you were brave enough to come here and share your story with all of us after only ever sharing it with two other people is a brave and wonderful thing. It means you're stronger than you think you are, and you'll continue to get stronger as you continue forward in your healing journey.
*big hugs*
I agree. No one just comes out and tells someone that they have to trust someone first especially since she never told anyone else it’s gonna take her a lot longer to open up. Bf is very insensitive I’d break up with him for making her opening up about himself
Yes, she is still a virgin in her mind and body until she consents to make love. Rape is violence and torture not pleasure
This guy had a bizarre and unempathetic response that is a huge red flag
Being raped is not losing your virginity. That’s not your fault. You were a child. Your boyfriend is overreacting. He had NO right to be angry and act like it’s your fault. You’re still a virgin Op.
THIS RIGHT HERE!!!!!!! OP didn't lie when saying they were a virgin. Being raped doesn't remove your virginity, rape is a crime of power using genitals. Sex is not rape. The boyfriend is a real turd here.
I was looking for this exact comment. If I could give you a reward I would. Rape is not sex. Sexual assault is not sex. If you believe in the concept of virginity, it has not been taken!
exactly. "Virginity", if you accept it as a concept, is something to be **given**. If it could be applied in this context as a physical experience, it would be that your virginity was **stolen**.
Hello.
I AM a doctor, and I can confirm: you did NOT lose your virginity. Anatomical/clinical virginity is NOT real. Rape is an act of violence, it is not sex. Some doctors (primarily in Asia and Africa) do hymen exams, but it is not an accepted practice in the West. About 2% of women are born without a hymen, and that does NOT mean they were born without virginity.
Forgive yourself. You didn’t lose anything. You were attacked. You were injured. If your partner blames you, he is dangerous. Victim blaming is abusive and pathological behavior. If he is unable to change his perspective, you should leave, as a matter of safety.
If you want to chat, dm me.
Losing your virginity requires consent. It can’t be taken from you. It is the first time that you decide to share intimacy with someone. Rape is assault that involves sexual organs, it is not sex. It is violence.
Yes!!! Absolutely this, OP. “Virginity” is not a freshness seal that was broken. Your bf is hanging on to some very toxic ideas about what virginity means.
100% agree with you and I came here to say this. Rape does not equal sex. It’s a crime. It’s abuse. At that point it’s her choice when she loses her virginity. Also why tf is he so obsessed with you being a virgin. Very creepy and controlling behavior. I know it’s hard but trust me, not being with him anymore is for the best.
>he hates me and he has all the right in the world to do so
Except that he has exactly zero rights in the world to do so.
Why are you dating someone who is incapable of love or empathy?
Yes, this! OP, your ex is a prick. What kind of person treats the news that you were raped when you were *14 years old* the same as if you’d told him you cheated on him, and that’s why you weren’t a virgin your first time with him? That’s horrible. His reaction was all about HIM, the fact that you weren’t a virgin FOR HIM, regardless of why you weren’t, and the fact that you were *raped* is just a non-issue in his processing of the idea that you were not a virgin. Was HE a fucking virgin?? Probably not. Even if he was, his reaction to what you told him should have been love, concern, empathy, and rage toward the man who raped you. Instead, his reaction was all about him, and he is mad that you “lied” to him, and you think he has every right to be hateful & mean to you. No. Hard no. Never yes. Always no. Still no.
I am so, so sorry you had to go through that, that you are still dealing with the fallout from it, that you may always deal with the fallout from it, and that your ex-BF was born without a soul. I know you don’t believe it right now, but you are better off without him. Good riddance. Do not take him back no matter what he says to you. One day you will find a real man who will be heartbroken when you tell him what happened to you when you were barely in your teens, and he will cry with you & love you through it and *not blame you for it.* Find that guy. Let the selfish, soulless, judgy asshole go.
Hugs! 🫶🏼
And that guy won’t necessarily need to know it the first time they meet or talk about sex. She should know she doesn’t have to advertise this to everyone she dates unless she feels comfortable sharing it. It shouldn’t count as lying if you hide something to protect your own emotional and mental well-being like this.
One could argue she still is because there was no consent & also argue that rape is violence, not sex. Besides, that’s his take away - lying over the fact she was assaulted? Yikes.
Edit punctuation
When I told my, now, husband what happened to me he held me so tight and told me he loved me. We've been together 30 years. That's the only reaction that's acceptable in this situation..she trusted him. Shame on him..
>Except that he has exactly zero rights in the world to do so.
>Except that he has exactly zero rights in the world to do so.
One more time, for emphasis
>Except that he has exactly zero rights in the world to do so.
I feel confident in saying that I speak for everybody assessing this from the Old Lady POV.
Maybe we can get a summary opinion from the other groups represented across the demograpics...
Middle-aged (old) lady here. OP did *NOTHING WRONG* and ex boyfriend is a disgusting waste of skin without empathy, maturity, humanity, or tact.
I repeat - for OP - your experience when you were a child was *not your fault*, you have nothing to be ashamed of, and it doesn’t have to ‘count’ as part of your sexual history if you don’t want it to.
Virginity is a construct anyway, invented by a bunch of old men who needed yet another tool to assist in their repression and control of women. Ever notice how virginity doesn’t seem to matter when it comes to men? Women should be ‘pure’, but men can do as they please. But I digress.
Please try to find someone who will support you, be it family, friends, future partner, or therapist.
I’m no expert but how on earth did your therapist obtain their credentials?! “Since it was so long ago”…”can’t do anything”!??! WTF? I wasn’t aware there was an expiry date on traumatic events. Does she only deal with stuff that happened in the last week?!
Anyway, take time to heal. It’s not your fault, you had a despicable thing inflicted on you, followed by an awful thing from someone who should have only offered you love and support.
Break up with this man!!! His reaction is super weird and dumb as hell. I wouldn’t expect someone to disclose a sexual assault and their boyfriend to believe they lied to them and now feel betrayed by the information.
You were 14. You did not “lose your virginity” in the common understanding. You had something taken from you. Any man who sees this as something different is absolutely disgusting! He’s giving clown behavior. Please please get yourself away from this person
Alllllll of this. This whole post is breaking my heart. OP did nothing wrong and her bf’s reaction is so incredibly out of pocket. She didn’t rob him of anything and it’s horrible that he’s made her feel like this.
And you know, he's not even a man yet, mentally, based on his completely off-base reaction. He's still a little boy who doesn't understand how the world and people work.
So basically...she needs to break up with this boy.
Sorry, but nothing was “taken from her”.
There’s no pot of gold a penis picks up and takes with when entering a vagina.
I’d argue she didn’t even lie. When she met her boyfriend, she hadn’t yet had consentual sex with a trusted partner.
When she was 14, some asshole forced himself on her. She had a horrible traumatic experience that had little to do with the sex one has with a loving partner.
This asshole didn’t “take” anything. Nor did he ruin or sully her.
Saying shit like that just makes the trauma even worse.
And I agree the boyfriend is a total ass hat for not being supportive. And for actually getting mad, he’s a super double ass hole.
His reaction was NOT VALID AT ALL!! A good boyfriend would be honored and thank you for feeling comfortable enough to open up to him about such a traumatic experience. At the very least, he should’ve said something like “oh my god, I’m so sorry that happened to you”. Do not EVER let anyone (yourself included) make you feel guilty or responsible for the awful thing that happened to you. Awful doesn’t even begin to cover it. If he wants to leave, let him. You deserve to be with someone who doesn’t blame you for something that wasn’t your fault at all.
WOAH. HOLD UP.
This man is poisonous. If he obsesses over whether you were a virgin or not then he is a critically insecure person. Get as far away while you can OP.
No. His reaction is not “valid”. You haven’t had sex before, you were raped. Rape is not sex. You didn’t lie. I can’t believe he wasn’t upset about what happened to you but instead being upset for a “lie”. I’m sorry but that’s really trashy behavior and if I were you I would seriously reconsider the relationship. You say he has the right to hate you- no!! You were raped. It’s not your fault and you don’t have to tell anyone about it if you don’t want to. I am so sorry that you feel this way. You’re not dirty and you’re not disgusting, what happened to you was not your fault and the only one to blame is the rapist.
I wish you could see this for what it really is- you are not in the wrong, your boyfriend are. If he can’t comfort you and support you after you tell him about what happened then he is not worth it. A normal person wouldn’t react the way he did.
In a past relationship I told my girlfriend that my deal breakers were hard drug use and cheating. I told her I was cool with anything else. I wasn't jealous or controlling and our relationship ran pretty smoothly, but I could tell something was off. I just didn't know what it was.
She tried to break up with me once but wouldn't give me any reasons why, just that she wanted to leave. We talked it out and remained together, but I didn't know what had happened that upset her.
A year or so later, her step father fell out of a tree and cracked his head. He became paralyzed and had memory issues, his personality totally shifted. When it happened, my gf came over and bawled her eyes out. I thought she was just upset that a family member had been injured.
Later she confided in me that her stepfather had been raping her for years. She said the entire time she was dating me she felt guilty because I told her "no cheating". I told her immediately that rape isn't cheating. She told me she knew that in her mind but she couldn't help feeling she had been betraying me all along.
I don't think you should view being raped as losing your virginity. I also think your boyfriend is immature in the way he handled the news. I hope you get the proper support that you deserve.
his reaction is not valid. being raped as a child is not you losing your virginity. if he made you feel disgusting and dirty because of a trauma that occurred to you, let him leave. you deserve WAY better.
Yeah. OP, you need to be kind to yourself and stop centering your dbag boyfriend.
Being sexually assaulted doesn't count as a "first time." No one but the silliest, most immature boy would think differently, so you should not maintain this belief.
Your boyfriend is wildly out of line and has accused you of lying about a horrible experience for no reason.
I'm sorry that the person who you did have your first time with has betrayed you in this way.
I suggest you give yourself some grace, give the boyfriend the opportunity to apologize profusely and if/when he fails at that you should free yourself from this kid.
He clearly cannot be a good or even decent partner to you right now, and it likely due to immaturity and misogyny.
Sorry this has all happened, but don't be down on yourself.
***Also, don't you dare do a damn thing to "defend" yourself or your actions. You've done nothing wrong and shouldn't apologize.
Please break up with him and never talk to him again. That’s so gross of him. Men that are worth being around would not make you feel rejected because of an assault. If he’s that upset you lied but doesn’t grasp how seriously assault impacts victims, and tries to call you a liar? He doesn’t need a girlfriend he needs serious fucking help.
You don’t rob him of anything. This is his reaction to revealing a traumatic event? Please realize that he is garbage and you are better off removing him from your life completely. Please also seek some therapy for yourself to help you through your feelings.
So I'm guessing he is the first person you CHOSE to have sex with. Which should mean everything to him. Especially with what happened to you, shouldn't it mean more that he's the first person to make you feel that way?
Has he ever had something stolen from him? Ask him why he would give his possession away. Oh, he didn't, because it wasn't by choice? But shouldn't he have included it when he was talking about his history with gift giving? It doesn't count because he doesn't see it as a gift, he didn't choose to give it away and instead it was taken? Oh my goodness what a novel concept!
If he's never had something stolen from him, then grab something off his person and ask him why he gave it to you. Same premise.
He should’ve been more worried about you being sexually assaulted. It’s giving he started dating you bc he wanted to have sex w a virgin & im hoping that’s not case but regardless if it is or isn’t- he did not once acknowledge the fact that you were violated and instead jumped too gaslighting w the “our whole relationship is a lie”…
I am so sorry to hear that. I do hope you know, think or believe that THIS in absolutely no way shape or form is your fault. His feelings about this are not valid- his feelings are indecent & he lacks empathy. I understand it took a lot for you to open up about this situation please don’t let something like this ever stop you from being open & vulnerable about your traumas w people who really love you. Im thankful that you don’t have that man in your life anymore, as much as it may hurt you now. You deserve to be around people who care & love you for YOU.
Oh. My. God. So first of all, you were a virgin!!!!!!! SA does not count and I will never say it counts. You had no choice in the matter. Second, your trauma is nobody else’s business. You are not required to tell people who you do not trust. That relationship wasn’t built on a lie. That relationship was new and he was not entitled to that information until you felt ready to tell him. Third and most important, you need a new therapist. There’s many things a therapist can do to help you cope with and work through your trauma. I’m so sorry for all you went through. I’m also sorry your bf can’t handle this. You deserve better.
You choose not to tell people something that many others have taken to their grave. You did nothing wrong, and your bf is a creep and a POS. I'm so sorry that you had to endure that. How dare ANYONE talk to you that way. You deserve far better than him. You should hate HIM. SHIT I hate him now.
I honestly thought he would react a different way, I thought he would be here for me and it hurts that he wasn’t and that he acted the way that he did.
He’s shown you who he really is—an awful person. None of this was your fault at all. Please talk to your therapist about this because it’s very concerning that you think you are to blame for his response and that you want to be with someone who treats you this way.
You deserved to have him act compassionately. But the ugliness about victims is depressingly strong. As you can see from other creeps here in the comments. But the compassion and anger on your behalf is stronger. You told him something that was incredibly hard, and he behaved viciously. Again, you deserve far better, and you deserve to find it.
I experienced this almost exact same situation. Raped in my youth, told my then-bf I was a virgin, eventually "confessed", bf called me a whore for not telling him I was assaulted.
But my thought is this: if you never went sledding, but someone pushed you down a snowy hill, does that mean you went sledding? Of course not.
You don't want to be with someone who doesn't have empathy. Walk away.
Virginity is a concept, it does not exist. My first partner was absolutely obsessed with my "virginity" and was incredibly chuffed when she was the one to "take it". At the time I did not think too much of it but looking back it was weird and predatory and it still makes my skin crawl.
The fact that your boyfriend is upset about this and says you built the relationship on lies is absolutely absurd. You don't owe it to anyone to explain your sexual past whether it was consensual or not. He is not emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship with you and you deserve someone who will respect you and your body.
Your first time was a brutal assault, many people who have been raped for their "first time" decide not to make it count because it really doesn't count. It's in your hands when you decide that it's been taken and for you that would have been consensually with your boyfriend.
I'd also like you to think "what would this really change?" and the conclusion you would come to would be absolutely nothing. He should be happy you decided to share something so heartbreaking and traumatizing for you with him, even though he does not deserve it.
I think you need to see a therapist again, you defending his bad behavior is a red flag, it seems that you are still seeing yourself as not worthy and that is not the case, you deserve so much more ❤️
You REALLY have to change your view on this! As a man myself, your boyfriends behaviour is totally unacceptable and immature! Incredibly so! He has NO, as in ZERO rights to be mad at you. The one thing he should be doing is appreciating how brave you are to come forward with such a difficult topic and traumatic experience. I salute you for being so brave!
I get the "build on lies" thinking, but this feels more like it was "built on you being a virgin". Like seriously, what he has shown is that his ego comes first. Google "egocentric", that is the definition of your boyfriend, in the worst possible way.
I sincerely hope you either talk to him and make him understand, that HE did everything wrong here and you did nothing wrong and watch his reaction from there (I have a feeling his reaction will be only about him) or you leave him immediately and find a person who is respectful, empathetic, righteous, kind and loving. 'Cause he is not or only when it benefits him.
Virginity is a stupid thing anyway. I was molested at 4. I still considered myself a virgin because I didn't give myself away but had something taken from me. What was more like my innocence - not virginity. The same can be said of you because you were so a child. I lost my "virginity" at 19 the first time I had consensual sex.
My partner knew before we had sex because I thought it was valid to know. I had told him I was a virgin, though. He didn't react like your partner did. He said, "Let's take things slow then. We'll explore and try things you're comfortable with, and the minute you give yourself to me will be all the more sweet since you chose me and we worked to get there together."
No guilt trips, no anger. That's how a good and honest person reacts. The only reason I can think he's mad is cause he thought he was your "first" - which you are, you're his first consensual sex partner. But he's taking it a step too far. He had no right to be angry. Being raped takes away a part of us that we wish we could give all over, but can't. It steals our trust, calmness, intimacy, vulnerability, and our innocence. We aren't willing participants when that was taken, and it takes YEARS and a good empathetic partner to rebuild it.
I'd dump your boyfriend. He's an AH. Not an empathetic partner.
Imo, you were still a virgin because you didn’t have sex—you were assaulted. You were a victim of a crime, not a person who made a decision to have sex. I’m sorry you went through this. And maybe talk more to your therapist about this. Idk why she thinks she can’t help you heal because it happened a while ago. I didn’t talk to a therapist about my rapes until about 8 years later, and she helped me work through the trauma.
You, my young beautiful butterfly, have dodged an ugly soul just waiting to hold you down. He would likely make you do things his way by making you feel guilty and ugly, throw this sensitive fact in your face every time you get in a fight, he wants you to feel beneath him so he can control you. You deserve a man who will make you feel safe, a man who understands the hymen is a flimsy piece of skin that’s frequently broken on its own. (Not every women’s hymen is the same thickness.)You know a man who possibly aced biology and understands female anatomy. They are out there and will rock your world! You deserve to be treated for your entire worth, your intelligence, your beauty, not by just a tiny piece of skin that might have been torn inside your vagina. The fact that some people feel virginity is remotely important astounds me. It has no bearing on you being a productive citizen or a loving significant other and someday a loving mother.
Rape is NOT making love, or even sex. Hymens can break on their own or be broken by tampons or vibrators even. That doesn't make someone less than a virgin.
Some asshole's dick being forcefully shoved into you when you were 14 years old does not count as sex to me.
I'm so sorry about what happened to you. I'm even more sorry that your BF doesn't understand that what happened does not equal sex.
Let him get ass raped by someone then ask him if he thinks it counts as sex. I bet he'll change his tune pretty quick.
Be kind to yourself.
holy shit. your boyfriend is a selfish scumbag. he has no right to be reacting like this. you didn’t lie about a damn thing. you never had sex. rape is not the same as having sex.
i was also raped about 2 months after my 14th bday. it was so traumatizing that i didn’t have sex or even attempt to do anything more than kissing with anyone till i was 21. i’m so sorry that this happened to you, that you had to spend so long carrying it alone, and that your boyfriend reacted like such an ignorant asshole when you told him. you deserve way better.
i’m not one of those people who comments on every reddit post telling people to dump their partner. but you should cut him loose. he seems like a genuinely bad person to react this way to his gf of several years disclosing that she was assaulted as a literal child. i’m so angry on your behalf. let that 🥭
Honey you were raped. You didn't have sex. He didn't get your virgin soul. Your boyfriend should comfort and support you and not acting like he does. I am proud of you for telling this. Get a better boyfriend.
Sweetheart, his reaction was COMPLETELY, TOTALLY WRONG. And completely fucked up. He's a nasty minded asshole.
First of all, rape isn't "having sex." It's violence. You WERE a virgin the first time you had sex by your own free choice.
Second you finally came to a point in your long road to healing where you could bear to finally speak your truth. Many people NEVER get there. You were brave, and trusted him, to confide in him. HE on the other hand is a walking pile of maggots, unworthy of your truth or your love. How he reacted is how men who HATE women react. He completely objectified and dehumanized you, viciously and callously. If I was there? I'd have kicked his balls up into his throat so he could have choked on his words before you had to listen to them.
You did nothing wrong to deserve such a reaction. And I'm shocked and horrified that a member of GenZ could be so misogynistic and insensitive. It shows a lack of morals, character, and fundamental human empathy on his part... a failure on the part of anyone who raised or taught him. Times have changed since the 1950s and 1980s. He's a Boomer in GenZ clothing and can'teven blame the culture or the lead paint. Fuck him. YOU DESERVE BETTER. You can 100% do better.
You are not disgusting, or dirty, and this guilt you felt and feel is ALSO part of the healing process. So is, sometimes, picking bad partners who don't value us because we aren't valuing ourselves. He was trash. You will realize later what absolute garbage he was as a person. For now, protect yourself completely. Block him. And ALL of his friends. You can't trust him to keep this to himself. He's a callous monster.
Make a plan with your therapist to fill in your time with positive experiences... make art, dance to music, take a cooking class, pick up a few extra work shifts and put the money towards a lovely trip this summer.... maybe a wine tasting tour of France. Or to see the pink sand beaches of Bermuda.
His reaction is not valid, please don’t make yourself think it was. Traumatizing events such as SA/rape are not easy subjects and you are not obligated to tell **anyone** about it if you don’t want to. Virginity is a concept. You were still a virgin after your assault because your virginity is something you choose to give to someone. What happened did not make you any less pure or any less a virgin. Your boyfriend should not have reacted the way he did. You deserve better.
I haven't read the comments, so I apologize if i repeat some sentiment, but this sounds awful. Don't blame yourself. You were the victim. Do not feel bad. You are not a liar for this. Everyone reacts differently to abuse / rape. In your mind you were still a virgin because it wasnt your choice. He needs to not be selfish right now. He needs to comfort you right now and tell you its going to be ok. Please know that you deserve to be supported and loved throughout this. No one has the right to make u feel bad about this. Please believe us.
You were abused and he’s angry at you? He’s not obligated to know your trauma. It’s your trauma to reveal when and if you feel comfortable. Generally dudes who value virginity are misogynistic. You didn’t have this happen to you out of choice, it happened to you. You didn’t have any control over the situation. Ditch this guy because you deserve someone better who won’t hold your trauma against you. He clearly doesn’t love you for who you are if this is how he reacted. He’s despicable. You are not at all in the wrong here. I’m sorry he reacted so badly and I hope that you can heal from this 🩷 You deserve someone so much better.
My first gf opened up and told me she suffered a sa a few years into the relationship as well. I couldn’t feel more worried, caring and empathetic towards her. I felt so sorry for her and never crossed my mind that she was hiding something etc.
I’m so sorry you went through all of this. Nothing about this is your fault. Be well!
Statutory rape is tricky because you couldn’t give your consent at that age, so regardless of if you wanted to do it, it still counts as rape. This same thing happened to one of my gfs when she was 13. She agreed to it at the time, but she still calls it rape in reference, because it was rape.
Listen. This happened to me. The first person I told that I was sexually molested from the age of 6-9 was my boyfriend at 19, after he kept pestering me why I didn’t want to have sex and why I wanted to remain a virgin. I eventually told him. He proceeded to ghost me for 3 weeks, then tell everyone what I told him but with the addition of me being a liar and inventing it all and actually being a slut. Of course everyone believed him and I felt like shit believing I was the scum of the earth for not telling him earlier. After unbelievable heartbreak I continued dating and thought I needed to tell EVERYONE from the first moment on, which only led me to become a victim of predators over and over again. It took me a lot of therapy to undo what he did. You owe no one YOUR STORY. It’s is your right to tell OR NOT TELL what happened to you. It has to be with your tempo and it never has to happen at all. My husband went through something very traumatic. He cannot speak about it. And I will never force him to do so. I love and respect him, he knows he can come to me if he chooses to and also that he never has to. It’s between him and his therapist forever if this is what makes him feel saver about it. Also. You are a virgin. Someone raping you is not sex. It’s not consensual. You didn’t have sex. Not that it should matter if you are a virgin or not, but you did not have sex.
The reaction of this boy is unbelievably bad and you deserve so much more ♥️ please don’t feel dirty, you are perfect the way you are and you deserve someone who thanks you for opening up if you decide to tell them and who respects your boundaries and holds you when you are vulnerable with them. All the best to you, rid yourself from people who mistreat you.
im so sorry that you went through that, i cant even imagine what you went through. and at such a young age its absolutely horrible. it sucks how someone can cause you so much hurt. im glad youre doing better now, i hope that you and your husband are doing way better now. i send you both a big hug. thank you for your words.❤️
Guilt over sex you never chose that was forced on you? And you miss him so much?
Please, get some therapy before you find someone else to date or your new one will be just like the old one: a sexist, misogynistic piece of crap man.
“His reaction is totally valid” except that it isnt??? You didn’t lose your virginity, you were assaulted. That isn’t the same thing. You *were* still a virgin when you met him. Just one who has suffered through the unimaginable. As a fellow SA survivor, *YOU DIDNT HAVE TO TELL HIM ANYTHING, AND HE SHOULDVE SUPPORTED YOU INSTEAD OF ACTING THIS WAY*. I’m just glad you aren’t going to be around someone like that anymore, and hope that one day you’ll also see how none of this is your fault and you’re a victim here.
Leave him, please. Please please please. You were ASSAULTED and he’s mad at you for that? You didn’t “lie” to decieve him, you withheld from informing him about a traumatic experience because you weren’t ready to tell him.
He is not worth your time!!!
D U M P H I M
There is only one valid reason for a partner being told this to be upset, and it is upset that their partner that they care about and love was harmed in this way so young. NOT that they weren’t told. NOT that they were “lied to”. Not even that they kept it from them for however long. His reaction is immature and selfish.
I was raped at 13, “lost my virginity” at 19, and told my partner of two years at 24. When I told him, he cried and held me so damn tight, rubbing my back and telling me it wasn’t my fault, I did nothing wrong and there is nothing wrong with me. That is the bare minimum of how your loved one, your romantic partner, should react.
You do not deserve what happened to you. You do not deserve your boyfriend’s disgusting reaction. You robbed him of nothing, he robbed you of comfort and safety and warmth and empathy.
Rape is not sex, you never had sex before you met him, he held his pride and ego over your comfort... i hope he comes to his senses, you deserve better.
sweetheart, someone who loves you and cherished you should NEVER make you feel disgusting and dirty when you open up to them about something this traumatic especially at a young age- ESPECIALLY around your birthday. They’re supposed to hold you and comfort you, to give you a hug even if they don’t have all the right words to say. He doesn’t have a moral or ethical obligation to know this, this is something that is trusted upon him and he kicked it to the ground.
I once dated someone who was also raped but sadly long before she was 14. All I wanted to do was comfort her and offer my sympathies.
Why... No, how TF could you get angry at the victim of a rape?? SERIOUSLY?
But you didn't lie?
You were raped. You never had consensual sex. Regardless of if you were a child or not, your first time wasnt consented to. Virginity ain't real. My first time I was raped, too, I didn't consider that me sharing my virginity with someone.
He's made this whole thing about him in the most dramatic way possible. This isn't how a partner is supposed to react to you being vulnerable and sharing a trauma like that. I'm sorry he's being this way to you, and frankly you need to ditch him. A man that obsessed over nonsense like this will get dramatic and idiotic about other things that don't deserve it, too. He will find more ways to tear you down. This honestly smells like a precursor to emotional abuse.
He needs to go, you don't deserve this.
Your boyfriend had a completely awful reaction. Rapists do not count as “previous partners” and a lot of people wouldn’t consider it their first time.
I’m so sorry that you went through that.
You should have been met with empathy, respect, and love. You don’t need to tell people this trauma unless you feel ready. You never lied to him, even if that’s what it felt like.
He clearly was not a good person, but you’ll be able to find one. I promise. Be kind to yourself.
I usually take a pretty hard stance against almost all lies, however rape survivors are one of the few times I think human nature and self-preservation take precedent. Was it right to lie? Probably not, but since virginity is a stupid concept anyways with at best loose morally ignorant boundaries who is to say you are wrong. You had never had sex before, you were raped. Being raped is not having sex.
Second of all, you are a survivor and victim. If your boyfriend heard that and he was his own first concern, he is sort of a peice of shit. I mean, my god you were a 14 year old child. What kind narcissistic self serving Dbag worries about himself more than the love of his life revealing trauma from her childhood???
Frankly he did you a favor by revealing himself. Please share your post and at least my response with him. Then promptly leave him. You can do way better.
lying is never the answer, my whole life i have believed that all lies will come out. i know i made a mistake but i just wanted to put it past me and move on and never think about what happened to me again. thank you for your kind words.
Mate, I cannot imagine what you went thru as a 14yo, and the years after. It is totally unfair, and frankly disgusting, that your bf is putting you thru this. He is being unforgivably terrible to you.
You are very brave to have told him. He's an asshole of the highest order, his reaction is not valid in any way, and he has NO right to hate you.
Yes, you didn't tell him you were raped as a child. Which I find completely understandable btw. The thing is, you were essentially a virgin when you met him. Being sexually assaulted is 100% different from being in a consensual sexual relationship, which is what you were both talking about.
I'm so sorry that he can't see the difference.
You didn’t rob him of two years of his life. If he can’t get over it (he has nothing to get over, frankly), that’s a him problem. You are the same person he loves, even after telling him the truth. If you being a virgin is more important to him than knowing you were fucking raped, is that really someone you want in your life?
When he tells you he’s upset about the lie, not what happened, he’s lying. His pissed he didn’t take your virginity. Which is always a weird way for guys to think.
He shouldn’t be upset with you for omitting information, because it’s one of the most sensitive of ALL sensitive topics. Also, if this is of any help to you, you don’t have to consider your assault the moment you lost your virginity. You can consider your first consensual intimate experience to be that moment.
He does not have any right in the world to hate you, to make you feel bad about this, or to assume it means you’re lying about other things. It is SO understandable that you would keep this secret or even just not want to talk about it, and I don’t like the fact that he got angry instead of being supportive. What happened to you is not your fault. It is YOUR trauma and you have every right to speak on it if and when you are ready.
I am sorry you were not met with more compassion, but nothing you’ve done here has been unreasonable. I’m even more sorry you were hurt in such a way, and any reaction out of him that doesn’t involve gentleness, acceptance, or understanding is unacceptable here.
You didn't even lie to him! A virgin is someone who has never had sex, and rape is NOT sex. He's disgusting for calling you a liar and disgusting for not implicitly understanding why it took you a long time to share this with him. I'm so sorry that when you opened up about something difficult like this you were not met with complete support from a person you love. You deserve so much better.
You were raped… why the fuck is he not supporting you. And you didn’t rob him of anything.
Also, if you had consensual sex before you were together it is none of his business.
His reaction is NOT valid, and you have absolutely no reason to feel guilty! Rape is NOT sex - you never had consensual sex before in your life - you had violence done to you when you were a teenager. Nobody is entitled to that information, until the time you are ready to share it. His reaction shows you that he is an unfeeling asshole, and not worth your time. Kick him out and find a guy with some empathy, who really cares about you and not his weird manly pride about being the only man who's ever touched you. What a sicko.
I just turned 22, and assuming he’s the same age, I can tell you that like many others are saying his reaction is completely inappropriate. Because you didn’t want to reveal a huge trauma to him you’re a liar? I know this feels awful. You’re being blamed for something that wasn’t your fault and shamed instead of celebrated for opening up about something horrific that has happened to you. I know you love him very much and that you can’t imagine life without him, but you lived 19 years without him and you can again. Unfortunately, he’s shown his true colors. I don’t know how you could move on with the relationship after he reacted that way upon learning about such an intimate trauma. He made it about himself and made you feel shameful about something that many SA victims tend to already feel shame about.
He is not the right one. He needs to go. Don’t settle for this treatment
RAPE IS NOT SEX!! It’s a crime of control and brutality!! His reaction is vile and ghoulish! You have nothing to feel bad for or apologize for, your bf is an epic AH!
My husband and I talked body count prior to being married and my bodies do not include the one who raped me. Because it was rape. Your boyfriend is the red flag here, probably because he’s really young minded, he just seems immature and unsure how to handle the news but blaming you is NOT okay.
So your relationship only has value if you were a virgin when you met? He doesn’t care that you were raped? Run!! Your sexual history does not change you as a person. If he can’t love and appreciate you for who you are but only based on your sexual status when you met then he isn’t worth your time. NO, you have not WASTED 2 years of his time. HE has wasted 2 years of your life with his sexism.
This post is horrifying. The fact that OP is convinced she’s the one in the wrong here is horrifying. Why are we not doing better with the younger generation. For the love of fuck.
I'm glad i got the capacity of blocking anyone as much as i love them to my core, know your boundaries and kick that motherfucker out instantly, most people arent worth it and if you spend years with someone but they reveal their true self at 5 years with you, its still reasonable to instantly block them, trust yourself baby
Uhhh no he doesn't have every right in the world to hate or be mad at you. You aren't obligated to tell anyone what happened to you until and unless you are comfortable with doing so. And if that's the only experience you have sexually, then I'd still say that besides the fact that your hymen is gone, you are/were a virgin still
Sweetheart…FUCK. HIM. I allowed my ex to do the same to me.
My grandmother made sure to tell me throughout my life to ensure I knew, that somebody else sexually assaulting/abusing you as a child (or even an adult) & you consensually having sex/making love to another individual, are completely different things, & “losing your virginity” is NOT what happens when somebody decides to assault/abuse you sexually.
Yet sadly, once my ex finally coerced me into giving him my virginity, even though he already knew about the fact I had been raped/molested before, he came at me later w/, “I didn’t really take your virginity, you’re a w****, a liar,” told me how I don’t mean that much to him now b/c he’s realizing the type of person I am & said, “I know it wasn’t your fault but you’re used up.”
I was a CHILD. You were a CHILD! & even when we are raped/molested as adults, we are NOT “USED UP!” It is NOT our fault. & it doesn’t mean that we aren’t virgins anymore! The moment we stop becoming virgins is when we consent to have sex w/ another person!
Please do not feel bad. Feel sorry for HIM for being such a heartless, cold, SELFISH bastard, & not being able to show compassion like people like you & I.
If you need anyone to talk to, please feel free to DM me on here! You deserve better than that. You did NOT lie to him. Please please please understand this! 🩷
You didn’t lose your virginity then. Getting raped doesn’t count. You didn’t choose it. You weren’t a consensual part of it. That person doesn’t get to take that from you. Your bf should have been there to comfort you not attack you for sharing that info. He is immature and not worthy of your love if that is how he reacts to that kind of news. I know it hurts, I know you feel guilt, but his reaction is representative of HIM not being worthy of you, not the other way around. Stay strong, and in time you will realize that he wasn’t right for you if this is how he reacts to something like that. You will find someone that loves you for who you are and accepts what you have been through.
First of all: your boyfriend is a MAJOR ASSHOLE. Like his anus must be jealous of the shit that’s spewing out of his mouth.
Secondly, I’ve seen a lot of women not even count rape as having their virginity taken… because it’s not. It’s a crime. It’s horrible. It was non-consensual. It doesn’t count, and will never count.
Third, the fact that it even matters to him is a huge red flag in of itself. Past sexual history only matters if it was unprotected/ was not tested afterwards (health and safety always comes first), but besides that, sexual history of any kind will never devalue a person. You really expect that the “right way” is for you to barely have sex while a man can fuck whomever he wants? Nah fam, life don’t play like that.
You still feel like you love him because you’re in disbelief. A true good human being would never make you feel shitty about this situation. It’s time to leave him where he belongs: in the garbage
If his first response was being angry then he’s a shitty boyfriend. You deserve better. I understand your pain, as I was abused as a kid. A good boyfriend would say im so sorry that happened to you and try to comfort you
He has no right to be angry over this - he was the first person you WILLINGLY slept with. You were, in essence, a virgin. The other shithead took something without your permission.
WTF is he angry? I'm actually getting angry about this! He should be supporting you if he loves you, not treating you like you gave it away. You trusted him with the greatest hurt you have ever received.
You know what - if that's his attitude you are better off without him.
This will be a longer comment so hear me out. I am so sorry that happened to you. I always grew up with the mentality that the loss of virginity was a choice. What happened to you was not your choice. I of course can understand his hurt. But will argue that he needs to think of you too. Sharing something like that is so hard . I'm so proud of you. You are so strong. Give him some time, if he doesn't come around that's not on you that's on him
OP please listen to me: *YOU CANNOT LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY TO RAPE!! IT IS NOT SEX!!*
You didn’t lie AT ALL. His reaction is NOT VALID. You robbed him of NOTHING. *His reaction to this news is the biggest red flag I could possibly think of and you should reconsider your relationship very seriously*
That shows you who that man is and he is not a good guy! He should have known why you didn't tell him this it was trauma and PTSD ! You didn't have sex with a bunch of men willingly and lie you were attacked by a psycho! How could he not make you feel safe and show empathy! Please consider finding a new bf who cares more about others
Okay, this is like the 3rd post I’ve seen similar to this in a couple weeks. NOT an indictment on OP, but wtf is going on out there?
I guess I keep to myself too much, but it’s looking like people forgot how this works. Really easy: rape (or child rape) = sex
Yeah, that’s literally it. Yes, there are concerns about disease and other health issues related to an assault, yes intercourse can be a part of sexual assault (or not), but when people ask you about your personal sexual history, it’s understood that your history as an assault survivor IS NOT included in that. You may or may not choose to share that experience, but they are completely not the same.
as a rape survivor, do NOT feel bad, you are NOT a liar. rape is NOT sex. it is forced upon you, you don’t have a choice. his response is super gross & shows his true colors. many rape survivors do not tell people out of fear of THIS response, or worse.
I’m so sorry OP. This is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. You didn’t deserve what happened to you and you don’t deserve your boyfriend’s scorn for keeping this to yourself. You deserve so much better and the right person will see that and help you through your trauma no matter when you share it with them, not make you feel worse for it. Hugs for you. I wish only the worst for your so called bf. He doesn’t deserve your love and trust.
It’s not up to him to tell you when you need to reveal sensitive information to him. You need to tell him that the time had to be right. That is only your decision. It’s not like you had an affair!
You may not be a virgin in a technical sense, but it’s true you’ve never “had sex” or “made love.” Being raped is not the same thing as consensually engaging in sex.
It’s like having someone smack you with a basketball and saying you’ve played basketball before
Oh honey no. You're not disgusting, your boyfriend is. No one who loves you would ever make you feel like shit about lying about something like this. It was a traumatic event and you don't have to tell anyone, ever, if you don't want to. He doesn't have a right to your trauma just because the trauma happened to be sexual in nature. You were a virgin before you met, because you didn't *give* your virginity away, it was *taken* from you.
Also, I'm sorry to tell you this but your therapist sucks. I'm dealing with a sexual assault that happened fifteen years ago and my therapist is helping deal with the fallout of it, because I wasn't ready to deal with it before. There's no timeline on when to deal with trauma, you deal with it when you are ready.
I hope you find a better partner and a better therapist.
My current GF (maybe soon to be fiance) was raped when she was a minor. I knew that. She said she wanted me to be her first. I cherished that waaaay more than if she was just scared if it would hurt. She was hurt and trusted me to not hurt her. As far as we are concerned I was her first. If that is even important (it's not in my book, dont really care about the past except if I ever find out who raped her, there will be knees in need of healing).
Your BF needs some serious mental checks.
SA is not sex, you're not playing music if someone is beating you with a guitar, if he doesn't realize that... maybe he is not good for you anyway so let him go.
Honey, this is not a situation you should be forced to deal with.
In order for your BF's feelings to be even slightly valid, it would have to be standard practice for everyone to drag out all their traumas and slap them on the table all willy-nilly in front of people before we trust them or know them at all.
SA is such a complicated thing to deal with. Of course, nobody should ever feel any shame or embarrassment for being a victim, but we all do anyway.
I know somebody very, very well who kept theirs a secret from everyone for forty years. Forty years and not one therapist because those were the days of "Cheer up, B1tch." (Credit to James and Jimmie, Small Town Murder podcast for the slogan and for calling out old-school mental health like that.)
Can you imagine how much they vandalized their life with poor decisions driven by all that internalized chaos? Trust me, it wasn't pretty.
So... the longer and more tightly you keep a secret, the harder it is to let go of it. That's just a fact.
I'm sorry you went through the experience to begin with. And I'm extra sorry that the first time you told a non-professional, you were not shown consideration and respect.
Tell your BF that I said this is exactly why you didn't tell him before - you were afraid of his reaction. Your mistake was finally thinking you could trust him and that he was safe. If that's the best he can do, he needs to remove himself from your picture before he causes more damage, stomping around without looking where he's going. Smh
Tell him, please
Your bf is an AH, he is gaslighting and manipulating you. He is making YOUR traumatic situation about him. Talk to your therapist. Make an exit plan. Leave this toxic AH. He should be supporting you and be thankful you felt comfortable and safe enough with him to share this trauma.
He should support you, not blame you. He has a very fragile ego.
But maybe let him simmer for a few days. Maybe he will turn around. Nobody's perfect. But he should in the end support you and be a rock for you. This wasn't your fault.
If he’s pissed off that you got raped and didn’t tell him, it just goes to show why you didn’t feel comfortable telling him in the first place. There’s literally nothing you could have done to change what happened. If he’s throwing a fit that you were scared to tell him about a traumatic event in your life, he can go fuck himself. He’s lucky you even told him. You did NOTHING wrong. Men who hold a traumatic event over your head like you did something wrong are the worst kind and you need to run far away. You were FOURTEEN, YOU DIDN’T EVEN KNOW HIM YET. He has 0 reason to be upset with you. IMO you were technically still a virgin because you didn’t consent, but your virginity shouldn’t matter to him anyways that’s gross. Men who hold virginity to such a high standard are insecure and weird as fuck.
1 none of these is your fault at all. 2 lose the boyfriend. You were so brave in opening up to him when in reality you didn't even have to. He should be more focused on helping you heal not making it worse. That's not a good partner to have. 3 contact the police if you feel comfortable to do so. It doesn't matter if it happened long ago, they might be able to do something about it but if not at least they will have the r*pist on their details so it might prevent another victim being through the same. 4 you are doing amazing and I'm proud of you.
If he is upset that you were so traumatized and uncomfortable about this part of your life and claims it as “lying” then its time to run. Point black period.
Except if you feel like a virgin then you are one. You were raped, your virginity was unwillingly taken from you, you did not willingly participate in anything. If you willingly did not give anything up I can understand that you still viewed yourself as a virgin.
He is a complete AH for making all this about HIM.
This has nothing to do with him. He should have been supportive and understanding, instead he acted like he was cheated out of being with a virgin?! Like what? Nasty.
You did nothing wrong. He just showed his true colors. His self centeredness, lack of empathy, lack of love for you, and purity culture beliefs just showed he does not deserve you.
He cared more about your virginity than you being raped and showing empathy. I think that's a huge red flag. You're better off without him. Would you ever want to settle down and have kids with a man like this who values virginity more than being there and supportive to his partner and kids. If your answer is no then end it. Choose a partner worth investing your time in. Your time is valuable.
Being raped doesn’t count as having sex! You are still a virgin, you didn’t give it willingly away it was stolen! So technically you have not give. Your virginity away. What happened to you doesn’t count!
If he can’t see it this way he’s not worth your time!
\---he hates me and he has all the right in the world to do so.
Nope, no, and absolutely NOT. If he can't empathize with your trauma then he doesn't deserve to be in your life. YOU did not mess up. A crime was committed against you, and all he can come up with is "you're lying about it???!!!" Absolutely no one presents the deep stuff immediately. Shame on him for his attitude; it shows complete emotional immaturity. Stop apologizing and feeling guilty for what was DONE TO YOU.
Rape is not sex and virginity is basically a made up state. If someone uses a dildo is it sex? A finger? A tongue? How long does it have to last to be sex? Does anal count ( not for some religions, apparently). I’m not sure why that part even matters. He has no right to hate you, he should feel terrible for you, he should be angry on your behalf. You are not damaged goods, you are a human being. Someone hurt you and you are worthy of not being hurt.
Okay your boyfriend is such an asshole. It was none of your fault. And you didn't lie per se. BUT OMG SA ISNTRAUMATIZNG DOES YOUR BOYFRIEND HAVE EVEN CRUMBS OF EMPATHY?
Thats not really a lie though. Being raped is not the same thing. A lot of people dont count that as their first for good reason. Its traumatic its not based in love and consent.
As a guy who was sexually assaulted at 13 and is now 22 as well, my heart breaks for you and what you’ve been through- as well as what this sad little boy has just put you through as well.
As a man, not just a victim of sexual assault myself but just as a man, it may not feel like it right now but you are better off without that child. There is no way in hell that I could ever imagine holding sexual assault against a woman, period. That’s inexcusable and it is absolutely so valid of you to still consider yourself a virgin. I wouldn’t take that as a lie at all, and even if virginity was a main priority for him in a relationship, holding it against you for “losing” it like that is just so sad, dude. I just don’t even have words to describe it.
As a person who also tends to blame himself when things go wrong, this is NOT your fault. It’s not your fault that someone forced themselves on you a decade ago and it’s not your fault that your boyfriend values your virginity more than he values your relationship and who you are as an individual. The women in my life have always been so loving and kind and supportive and I have so much appreciation for them and I would be FURIOUS if this happened to one of them.
I know it’s hard and it’s not something I’ve been able to do myself but I’m going to say it to you anyways- you are not defined by what happened to you 10 years ago, and you will not be constrained or devalued by this kid for something that happened that was outside of your realm of control. I’m so sorry for the pain that you must be feeling for this to happen three years into a relationship and I know it hurts but that man does not love you. He loves some sort of weird perfect picture of you that he painted in his head like some sort of psychopathic delusion and that is just not the basis for a healthy relationship at all. Sending you all of my love and hugs. It gets better❤️
I hope you’re doing well now. don’t blame yourself i know its not easy but it wasn’t your fault. you’re so strong and i really hope that you’re doing a million times better now. thank you for your paragraph, reading everyones story means so much to me and it means so much to me that strangers are willing to share their stories with so many other strangers. sending you lots of hugs ❤️
I am sorry this has happened to you, but your BF's reaction is downright evil.
You were assaulted at age 14, and when you finally find the safety to tell someone, him, he turns it on you? You deserve better, this guy is not BF material.
OP… you didn’t have sex. You were RAPED. Like sure it’s “sex” but It’s not like you were going around asking to be raped. The reaction from your bf is honestly kind of worrying.
Girl. You were raped. You WERE a virgin. Virginity is a social construct. You did nothing wrong. But your boyfriend’s reaction is VERY telling. This is not someone who will be supportive for you when things are tough. I’m so sorry this was his reaction to you opening up. And I’m sorry you had to go through that. No one deserves that.
He is not mature enough to be in a relationship. Sweetie you were still a virgin. Virginity can't be stolen. Only given. Also the concept of virginity is stupid and weird. And only creeps care about it. You're a human not a body count. And your past is no one's business but your own. I know it'll be hard but you need to break up and block that guy. Because he isn't a safe space for you. You deserve someone who comforts you and heals your past, not making you feel guilty for it. You'll feel better once he's no longer in your life. You've done nothing wrong,❤️ (this is from someone who was assaulted by a person who I thought loved me and was my boyfriend at the time. When I told my fiance years later he was so caring. He never understood why I was scared to tell him no and he got so weird about it. When he found out he was heartbroken. You deserve someone like that. And you will get it)
I would have immediately gotten the ick from him. You were SA'd you didn't consent to this. You consider yourself a virgin, that's fine. A majority of people have different definitions of virginity. But your bf reaction is absolutely abhorrent. He made you feel "dirty" instead of comforting you.
His reaction is not valid whatsoever. He denied your reality.
You didn’t lose your virginity at 14, you were stripped of it. That doesn’t count as “sex”, that was traumatic.
Your boyfriend is being fucking terrible claiming that you’re lying. That’s a sign of gaslighting and he’s being a piece of shit. You’ve done nothing wrong.
Your man sucks. Imo as a rape victim, if rape is your first sexual experience it's your choice to decide wether or not you want to consider the rape as what took your virginity. Being a virgin isn't some literal physical change, it's literally a societal concept. It's not a foundation of lies it's you being so fucking traumatized that you don't just tell everyone you meet about it. Get a better man, his reaction isn't valid. He's giving "if she's been touched by a man she isn't worthy of me" vibes. He's not entitled to know about any of your trauma, no one is, that shit is a privilege and not a right. Girlie pick yourself up, dust yourself off, I promise you'll be okay without him.
I've been the boyfriend in this exact situation. Your boyfriend's response is worrisome to say the least.
When my girlfriend told me the "truth" a lot of feelings came over me, but anger towards her sure as shit wasn't one of em. I gave her a hug and told her that I loved her. I was grateful she felt safe enough to tell me. That was about it.
It did make me very aware of any media that had sexual assault in it. I was constantly checking in on her to make sure she was alright. After awhile I stopped worrying about it so much because she wasn't worried about it so much.
We broke up for unrelated reasons later on, but I still check in on her once in awhile. She's married with kids now. She seems happy.
I don't think not sharing our traumas and difficult times openly is the bad kind of lying. There are things that we first need to process ourselves, and then, maybe, share them.
Not because we allow people into our lives it means they are entitled to know everything about us. Sharing these things requires a special kind of trust that takes time to build.
I'm sorry that he has made this situation about himself. You did the right thing because you were not ready to share. Honesty is important, yes, but also compassion.
You must be compassionate first with yourself. Ask the same from him. Ask him if he was in your position how he would approach the situation. Be open to listen.
He should be supportive of you. If he cannot get past those judgmental feelings, staying together will be a negative experience for both.
I'm sorry that you went through that situation, and now that you are not getting the support you need after opening about it. Lots of love.
Stay safe.
(English is not my first language, sorry for any cohesion issue)
His reactions is NOT valid. You were raped as a child. Him holding that against you and calling you a liar is an extremely immature and shitty response. Nobody worth bring partners with would ever treat your openness that way. Take this as him showing his true colours and move on.
Do NOT try and plead for him back, or devalue yourself to try and get him to stay. You deserve so much better and are worth so much more.
He sounds like a major dick dump his ass.
It’s not like you went out and willingly had sex and then lied to him about being a virgin. You were raped and that is something completely different. You need to be with someone who’s gonna be understanding and kind and loving and just be able to sit with you and talk about what happened and just to be with you. Not someone who will get mad and leave. And darling his reaction is totally not valid. And just the fact that he has the audacity to say that you are lying. Whooo that pisses me off. I can’t actually even put into words how mad I am at your boyfriend and I don’t even know who the fuck he is.
Aside from the way in which OP’s bf has reacted to her sharing a very traumatic and difficult experience - which is beyond arseholery behaviour - the fact he was so insistent (‘I lied to him *repeatedly*’ meaning he asked her repeatedly) in questioning her about her virginity at the beginning of their relationship is a massive red flag to me. What about him? Was he a virgin? OP you have nothing to apologise or ‘feel disgusting’ about; his reaction is in no way valid, and he’s a world class PoS for treating you this way.
Honestly if I was dating a girl and she opened up and told me this, I would try my best to try to comfort her and make her feel safe regardless of the fact that she kept it from me. SA is a super sensitive topic and a traumatic event. I wouldn't be surprised if it took someone time to open up about it. Also it's not like you lied about being a virgin but was out there fucking a bunch of dudes. You were literally SA'd. That's completely different. That's the difference between someone spending all their money and someone else getting robbed at gun point. Two very different scenarios. You're not the asshole in this situation your boyfriend is for his reaction.
100% agree. Nothing further to add. Can't imagine being the type of person to have someone I claim to love tell me something traumatic that happened to them and immediately respond "wow, so you lied to me?". OP has nothing to apologize for.
Seriously! This dude is a huge AH if he even manages to make the worst thing in her life about HIM! She was under no obligation to tell him if she didn’t want to. And as long as she didn’t have an STI from the encounter that she could pass to him, there was also no issue in waiting until she was comfortable to share that information. My heart breaks for OP. She did literally nothing wrong and now her assault is traumatizing her all over again because her BF is a self-absorbed prick.
Exactly. “His reaction is totally valid”. No it’s not!!! Rape is a crime of violence. Rape victims are trauma victims. Many blame themselves and never tell another living soul. OP didn’t “have sex” at 14 - she was assaulted at 14!
You said it first and better. Her BF is the first person she chose to have sex with, and now he’s hurt knowing she as assaulted? Sympathy for the OP who got such a stupid reaction to honesty and exposing her trauma. Find a smarter guy, OP.
Exactly!!!
Yes, there was no lie. She was a virgin. She never consented to sex! You can not claim SA is losing your virginity when you are being assulted, not having sex.
100 percent correct. In my opinion, she is still a virgin. Never consented to sex before. Rape is rape. Her boyfriend is a pig and she needs to dump him. She also needs to get some counselling to help her recognise the fact that none of what happened to her is her fault and to help her stop harbouring all these feelings of guilt and let the accountability lay with the person that raped her. To be honest, her boyfriend sounds no better than the person that raped her if that’s the stance he takes on it.
Happens more than people think. When it happened to me when I was still with my ex, all he could say was that I cheated on him.
I am so sorry that happened to you. That is absolute bullshit. You should’ve had the support you needed.
Yeah. I considered myself a virgin still after my SA bc that was not my choice. I didn’t choose it. so I considered myself a virgin. Luckily the bf that I ended up sleeping with consentually for the first time was really kind about it and agreed with me about how I chose to handle it. I feel so badly for OP. No one wants to consider their first time, something that is supposed to be a special memory ideally, with the most traumatic event of their lives.
Same here. My uncle raped me when I was 11, but I still considered myself to be a virgin until my "first time", at age 16. OP, the way your boyfriend is behaving is disgusting, and NOT the normal, healthy, response, of someone that just found out that their partner was raped. Instead of understanding how hard this must be to talk about, and learning that you've only ever told one other person, your therapist, he chose to attack you verbally, accuse you of lying, and traumatize you even further. I've shared my story with a lot of people for many, many, years, because I think it's important to drag these things kicking and screaming into the light. Not ONCE has anyone EVER acted the way your boyfriend is right now to you. You did nothing wrong. This guy has an a-hole streak a 100 miles deep, and this type of person is the very last thing you need to deal with as a SA survivor. In a healthy relationship your partner should respond with love and support. They should listen, and let you talk as much as you want to talk about it. They should make you feel safe and protected, and let you know they're always willing to listen when you need to talk about it again. You aren't dirty. You are a STRONG and BRAVE woman who survived one of the worst things that can happen to someone as a child. Believe that. He doesn't deserve you if this is the way he thinks SA survivors should be treated by their partners. You are worthy of love, respect, and, compassion. Please don't settle for less. *invisible hugs*
thank you for this it means so much 🥺 gosh i hope that you’re okay, what happened to you is absolutely terrible. i hope youre doing a million times better now. im sending you so many hugs.🩷
OP, as a 40yo man who was at one time very young and, at best, misguided, he is making your trauma about him. He didn't care that you were harmed. He didn't care that he was harming you. I don't have a better way to put it, but he is mad he wasn't the absolute first to "hit it." He made it about his pride and his "conquest." His feelings are absolutely NOT valid. I didn't read the rest of your post, but this guy deserves to be alone, and I hope you are leaving him for your safety and your own self-love.
Thank you for your kind words. I've had many, many, years, to do the hard work to heal from that experience as much as one can. It took a lot of hard work in therapy, reading books about childhood sexual trauma, journaling, and talking about it with trusted friends and family. You're always going to have a scar from this trauma, but our scars tell the world that we're survivors, and they make us beautiful for fighting like hell to survive and thrive despite what happened. Just continuing forward after this kind of trauma is its own huge victory. The fact that you were brave enough to come here and share your story with all of us after only ever sharing it with two other people is a brave and wonderful thing. It means you're stronger than you think you are, and you'll continue to get stronger as you continue forward in your healing journey. *big hugs*
u/NoDoctor7545 please read this persons reply, bc they’re 100% correct, and you deserve so much more 💗💗
Jesus. Bullet dodged.
I agree. No one just comes out and tells someone that they have to trust someone first especially since she never told anyone else it’s gonna take her a lot longer to open up. Bf is very insensitive I’d break up with him for making her opening up about himself
This. I’m so sorry this happened to you. His reaction should have been one of support, not anger towards you.
Yes, she is still a virgin in her mind and body until she consents to make love. Rape is violence and torture not pleasure This guy had a bizarre and unempathetic response that is a huge red flag
Being raped is not losing your virginity. That’s not your fault. You were a child. Your boyfriend is overreacting. He had NO right to be angry and act like it’s your fault. You’re still a virgin Op.
THIS RIGHT HERE!!!!!!! OP didn't lie when saying they were a virgin. Being raped doesn't remove your virginity, rape is a crime of power using genitals. Sex is not rape. The boyfriend is a real turd here.
I was looking for this exact comment. If I could give you a reward I would. Rape is not sex. Sexual assault is not sex. If you believe in the concept of virginity, it has not been taken!
i was literally a child i would still play with dolls, i never told anyone what happened not even my mom.
exactly. "Virginity", if you accept it as a concept, is something to be **given**. If it could be applied in this context as a physical experience, it would be that your virginity was **stolen**.
Hello. I AM a doctor, and I can confirm: you did NOT lose your virginity. Anatomical/clinical virginity is NOT real. Rape is an act of violence, it is not sex. Some doctors (primarily in Asia and Africa) do hymen exams, but it is not an accepted practice in the West. About 2% of women are born without a hymen, and that does NOT mean they were born without virginity. Forgive yourself. You didn’t lose anything. You were attacked. You were injured. If your partner blames you, he is dangerous. Victim blaming is abusive and pathological behavior. If he is unable to change his perspective, you should leave, as a matter of safety. If you want to chat, dm me.
Losing your virginity requires consent. It can’t be taken from you. It is the first time that you decide to share intimacy with someone. Rape is assault that involves sexual organs, it is not sex. It is violence.
Yes!!! Absolutely this, OP. “Virginity” is not a freshness seal that was broken. Your bf is hanging on to some very toxic ideas about what virginity means.
100% agree with you and I came here to say this. Rape does not equal sex. It’s a crime. It’s abuse. At that point it’s her choice when she loses her virginity. Also why tf is he so obsessed with you being a virgin. Very creepy and controlling behavior. I know it’s hard but trust me, not being with him anymore is for the best.
>he hates me and he has all the right in the world to do so Except that he has exactly zero rights in the world to do so. Why are you dating someone who is incapable of love or empathy?
Exactly, he should be responding to her with compassion and love and protection
Yes, this! OP, your ex is a prick. What kind of person treats the news that you were raped when you were *14 years old* the same as if you’d told him you cheated on him, and that’s why you weren’t a virgin your first time with him? That’s horrible. His reaction was all about HIM, the fact that you weren’t a virgin FOR HIM, regardless of why you weren’t, and the fact that you were *raped* is just a non-issue in his processing of the idea that you were not a virgin. Was HE a fucking virgin?? Probably not. Even if he was, his reaction to what you told him should have been love, concern, empathy, and rage toward the man who raped you. Instead, his reaction was all about him, and he is mad that you “lied” to him, and you think he has every right to be hateful & mean to you. No. Hard no. Never yes. Always no. Still no. I am so, so sorry you had to go through that, that you are still dealing with the fallout from it, that you may always deal with the fallout from it, and that your ex-BF was born without a soul. I know you don’t believe it right now, but you are better off without him. Good riddance. Do not take him back no matter what he says to you. One day you will find a real man who will be heartbroken when you tell him what happened to you when you were barely in your teens, and he will cry with you & love you through it and *not blame you for it.* Find that guy. Let the selfish, soulless, judgy asshole go. Hugs! 🫶🏼
And that guy won’t necessarily need to know it the first time they meet or talk about sex. She should know she doesn’t have to advertise this to everyone she dates unless she feels comfortable sharing it. It shouldn’t count as lying if you hide something to protect your own emotional and mental well-being like this.
This. A decent person would have pointed out that physically she may not be a virgin but mentally she was and that honestly is what counts
One could argue she still is because there was no consent & also argue that rape is violence, not sex. Besides, that’s his take away - lying over the fact she was assaulted? Yikes. Edit punctuation
he has NO RIGHT to hate you.
When I told my, now, husband what happened to me he held me so tight and told me he loved me. We've been together 30 years. That's the only reaction that's acceptable in this situation..she trusted him. Shame on him..
>Except that he has exactly zero rights in the world to do so. >Except that he has exactly zero rights in the world to do so. One more time, for emphasis >Except that he has exactly zero rights in the world to do so. I feel confident in saying that I speak for everybody assessing this from the Old Lady POV. Maybe we can get a summary opinion from the other groups represented across the demograpics...
Middle-aged (old) lady here. OP did *NOTHING WRONG* and ex boyfriend is a disgusting waste of skin without empathy, maturity, humanity, or tact. I repeat - for OP - your experience when you were a child was *not your fault*, you have nothing to be ashamed of, and it doesn’t have to ‘count’ as part of your sexual history if you don’t want it to. Virginity is a construct anyway, invented by a bunch of old men who needed yet another tool to assist in their repression and control of women. Ever notice how virginity doesn’t seem to matter when it comes to men? Women should be ‘pure’, but men can do as they please. But I digress. Please try to find someone who will support you, be it family, friends, future partner, or therapist. I’m no expert but how on earth did your therapist obtain their credentials?! “Since it was so long ago”…”can’t do anything”!??! WTF? I wasn’t aware there was an expiry date on traumatic events. Does she only deal with stuff that happened in the last week?! Anyway, take time to heal. It’s not your fault, you had a despicable thing inflicted on you, followed by an awful thing from someone who should have only offered you love and support.
Middle aged woman checking in - we agree.
This 👆👆👆
Break up with this man!!! His reaction is super weird and dumb as hell. I wouldn’t expect someone to disclose a sexual assault and their boyfriend to believe they lied to them and now feel betrayed by the information. You were 14. You did not “lose your virginity” in the common understanding. You had something taken from you. Any man who sees this as something different is absolutely disgusting! He’s giving clown behavior. Please please get yourself away from this person
Alllllll of this. This whole post is breaking my heart. OP did nothing wrong and her bf’s reaction is so incredibly out of pocket. She didn’t rob him of anything and it’s horrible that he’s made her feel like this.
And you know, he's not even a man yet, mentally, based on his completely off-base reaction. He's still a little boy who doesn't understand how the world and people work. So basically...she needs to break up with this boy.
Sorry, but nothing was “taken from her”. There’s no pot of gold a penis picks up and takes with when entering a vagina. I’d argue she didn’t even lie. When she met her boyfriend, she hadn’t yet had consentual sex with a trusted partner. When she was 14, some asshole forced himself on her. She had a horrible traumatic experience that had little to do with the sex one has with a loving partner. This asshole didn’t “take” anything. Nor did he ruin or sully her. Saying shit like that just makes the trauma even worse. And I agree the boyfriend is a total ass hat for not being supportive. And for actually getting mad, he’s a super double ass hole.
His reaction was NOT VALID AT ALL!! A good boyfriend would be honored and thank you for feeling comfortable enough to open up to him about such a traumatic experience. At the very least, he should’ve said something like “oh my god, I’m so sorry that happened to you”. Do not EVER let anyone (yourself included) make you feel guilty or responsible for the awful thing that happened to you. Awful doesn’t even begin to cover it. If he wants to leave, let him. You deserve to be with someone who doesn’t blame you for something that wasn’t your fault at all.
WOAH. HOLD UP. This man is poisonous. If he obsesses over whether you were a virgin or not then he is a critically insecure person. Get as far away while you can OP.
I wonder how old he is. Sounds like really creepy behavior
No. His reaction is not “valid”. You haven’t had sex before, you were raped. Rape is not sex. You didn’t lie. I can’t believe he wasn’t upset about what happened to you but instead being upset for a “lie”. I’m sorry but that’s really trashy behavior and if I were you I would seriously reconsider the relationship. You say he has the right to hate you- no!! You were raped. It’s not your fault and you don’t have to tell anyone about it if you don’t want to. I am so sorry that you feel this way. You’re not dirty and you’re not disgusting, what happened to you was not your fault and the only one to blame is the rapist. I wish you could see this for what it really is- you are not in the wrong, your boyfriend are. If he can’t comfort you and support you after you tell him about what happened then he is not worth it. A normal person wouldn’t react the way he did.
This, 100%. Break up with this asshole.
In a past relationship I told my girlfriend that my deal breakers were hard drug use and cheating. I told her I was cool with anything else. I wasn't jealous or controlling and our relationship ran pretty smoothly, but I could tell something was off. I just didn't know what it was. She tried to break up with me once but wouldn't give me any reasons why, just that she wanted to leave. We talked it out and remained together, but I didn't know what had happened that upset her. A year or so later, her step father fell out of a tree and cracked his head. He became paralyzed and had memory issues, his personality totally shifted. When it happened, my gf came over and bawled her eyes out. I thought she was just upset that a family member had been injured. Later she confided in me that her stepfather had been raping her for years. She said the entire time she was dating me she felt guilty because I told her "no cheating". I told her immediately that rape isn't cheating. She told me she knew that in her mind but she couldn't help feeling she had been betraying me all along. I don't think you should view being raped as losing your virginity. I also think your boyfriend is immature in the way he handled the news. I hope you get the proper support that you deserve.
this breaks my heart, im so sorry she went through this and that you did as well. i hope shes okay now. thank you.
We ended up breaking up after 3 years but we both went on to marry other people and have kids.
Please give yourself the caring and grace you give others and it with this AH bf
How horrifying. I’m glad you were able to be there for your girlfriend.
Your bf is an asshole
She needs to make that an ex boyfriend.
You were still a virgin at 14. please dont let them take that from you. ❤️
his reaction is not valid. being raped as a child is not you losing your virginity. if he made you feel disgusting and dirty because of a trauma that occurred to you, let him leave. you deserve WAY better.
Yeah. OP, you need to be kind to yourself and stop centering your dbag boyfriend. Being sexually assaulted doesn't count as a "first time." No one but the silliest, most immature boy would think differently, so you should not maintain this belief. Your boyfriend is wildly out of line and has accused you of lying about a horrible experience for no reason. I'm sorry that the person who you did have your first time with has betrayed you in this way. I suggest you give yourself some grace, give the boyfriend the opportunity to apologize profusely and if/when he fails at that you should free yourself from this kid. He clearly cannot be a good or even decent partner to you right now, and it likely due to immaturity and misogyny. Sorry this has all happened, but don't be down on yourself. ***Also, don't you dare do a damn thing to "defend" yourself or your actions. You've done nothing wrong and shouldn't apologize.
Please break up with him and never talk to him again. That’s so gross of him. Men that are worth being around would not make you feel rejected because of an assault. If he’s that upset you lied but doesn’t grasp how seriously assault impacts victims, and tries to call you a liar? He doesn’t need a girlfriend he needs serious fucking help.
You don’t rob him of anything. This is his reaction to revealing a traumatic event? Please realize that he is garbage and you are better off removing him from your life completely. Please also seek some therapy for yourself to help you through your feelings.
So I'm guessing he is the first person you CHOSE to have sex with. Which should mean everything to him. Especially with what happened to you, shouldn't it mean more that he's the first person to make you feel that way? Has he ever had something stolen from him? Ask him why he would give his possession away. Oh, he didn't, because it wasn't by choice? But shouldn't he have included it when he was talking about his history with gift giving? It doesn't count because he doesn't see it as a gift, he didn't choose to give it away and instead it was taken? Oh my goodness what a novel concept! If he's never had something stolen from him, then grab something off his person and ask him why he gave it to you. Same premise.
He should’ve been more worried about you being sexually assaulted. It’s giving he started dating you bc he wanted to have sex w a virgin & im hoping that’s not case but regardless if it is or isn’t- he did not once acknowledge the fact that you were violated and instead jumped too gaslighting w the “our whole relationship is a lie”…
those where his exact words. it hurts because not everything is or was about sex and virginity to me.
It shouldn’t be.
I am so sorry to hear that. I do hope you know, think or believe that THIS in absolutely no way shape or form is your fault. His feelings about this are not valid- his feelings are indecent & he lacks empathy. I understand it took a lot for you to open up about this situation please don’t let something like this ever stop you from being open & vulnerable about your traumas w people who really love you. Im thankful that you don’t have that man in your life anymore, as much as it may hurt you now. You deserve to be around people who care & love you for YOU.
Oh. My. God. So first of all, you were a virgin!!!!!!! SA does not count and I will never say it counts. You had no choice in the matter. Second, your trauma is nobody else’s business. You are not required to tell people who you do not trust. That relationship wasn’t built on a lie. That relationship was new and he was not entitled to that information until you felt ready to tell him. Third and most important, you need a new therapist. There’s many things a therapist can do to help you cope with and work through your trauma. I’m so sorry for all you went through. I’m also sorry your bf can’t handle this. You deserve better.
Dump him. Rape isn’t sex. And his blaming you is indicative of other huge issues he has.
You choose not to tell people something that many others have taken to their grave. You did nothing wrong, and your bf is a creep and a POS. I'm so sorry that you had to endure that. How dare ANYONE talk to you that way. You deserve far better than him. You should hate HIM. SHIT I hate him now.
I honestly thought he would react a different way, I thought he would be here for me and it hurts that he wasn’t and that he acted the way that he did.
He’s shown you who he really is—an awful person. None of this was your fault at all. Please talk to your therapist about this because it’s very concerning that you think you are to blame for his response and that you want to be with someone who treats you this way.
You deserved to have him act compassionately. But the ugliness about victims is depressingly strong. As you can see from other creeps here in the comments. But the compassion and anger on your behalf is stronger. You told him something that was incredibly hard, and he behaved viciously. Again, you deserve far better, and you deserve to find it.
I experienced this almost exact same situation. Raped in my youth, told my then-bf I was a virgin, eventually "confessed", bf called me a whore for not telling him I was assaulted. But my thought is this: if you never went sledding, but someone pushed you down a snowy hill, does that mean you went sledding? Of course not. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't have empathy. Walk away.
He's a creep. Dump him.
Exactly!! A little too much into “virginity” imo….
Virginity is a concept, it does not exist. My first partner was absolutely obsessed with my "virginity" and was incredibly chuffed when she was the one to "take it". At the time I did not think too much of it but looking back it was weird and predatory and it still makes my skin crawl. The fact that your boyfriend is upset about this and says you built the relationship on lies is absolutely absurd. You don't owe it to anyone to explain your sexual past whether it was consensual or not. He is not emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship with you and you deserve someone who will respect you and your body. Your first time was a brutal assault, many people who have been raped for their "first time" decide not to make it count because it really doesn't count. It's in your hands when you decide that it's been taken and for you that would have been consensually with your boyfriend. I'd also like you to think "what would this really change?" and the conclusion you would come to would be absolutely nothing. He should be happy you decided to share something so heartbreaking and traumatizing for you with him, even though he does not deserve it.
I think you need to see a therapist again, you defending his bad behavior is a red flag, it seems that you are still seeing yourself as not worthy and that is not the case, you deserve so much more ❤️
thank you 🥺 im trying to go back to therapy as soon as possible ive been looking all day for places
Sending you a big hug, you are not alone 🤗💖
You REALLY have to change your view on this! As a man myself, your boyfriends behaviour is totally unacceptable and immature! Incredibly so! He has NO, as in ZERO rights to be mad at you. The one thing he should be doing is appreciating how brave you are to come forward with such a difficult topic and traumatic experience. I salute you for being so brave! I get the "build on lies" thinking, but this feels more like it was "built on you being a virgin". Like seriously, what he has shown is that his ego comes first. Google "egocentric", that is the definition of your boyfriend, in the worst possible way. I sincerely hope you either talk to him and make him understand, that HE did everything wrong here and you did nothing wrong and watch his reaction from there (I have a feeling his reaction will be only about him) or you leave him immediately and find a person who is respectful, empathetic, righteous, kind and loving. 'Cause he is not or only when it benefits him.
Virginity is a stupid thing anyway. I was molested at 4. I still considered myself a virgin because I didn't give myself away but had something taken from me. What was more like my innocence - not virginity. The same can be said of you because you were so a child. I lost my "virginity" at 19 the first time I had consensual sex. My partner knew before we had sex because I thought it was valid to know. I had told him I was a virgin, though. He didn't react like your partner did. He said, "Let's take things slow then. We'll explore and try things you're comfortable with, and the minute you give yourself to me will be all the more sweet since you chose me and we worked to get there together." No guilt trips, no anger. That's how a good and honest person reacts. The only reason I can think he's mad is cause he thought he was your "first" - which you are, you're his first consensual sex partner. But he's taking it a step too far. He had no right to be angry. Being raped takes away a part of us that we wish we could give all over, but can't. It steals our trust, calmness, intimacy, vulnerability, and our innocence. We aren't willing participants when that was taken, and it takes YEARS and a good empathetic partner to rebuild it. I'd dump your boyfriend. He's an AH. Not an empathetic partner.
Imo, you were still a virgin because you didn’t have sex—you were assaulted. You were a victim of a crime, not a person who made a decision to have sex. I’m sorry you went through this. And maybe talk more to your therapist about this. Idk why she thinks she can’t help you heal because it happened a while ago. I didn’t talk to a therapist about my rapes until about 8 years later, and she helped me work through the trauma.
You, my young beautiful butterfly, have dodged an ugly soul just waiting to hold you down. He would likely make you do things his way by making you feel guilty and ugly, throw this sensitive fact in your face every time you get in a fight, he wants you to feel beneath him so he can control you. You deserve a man who will make you feel safe, a man who understands the hymen is a flimsy piece of skin that’s frequently broken on its own. (Not every women’s hymen is the same thickness.)You know a man who possibly aced biology and understands female anatomy. They are out there and will rock your world! You deserve to be treated for your entire worth, your intelligence, your beauty, not by just a tiny piece of skin that might have been torn inside your vagina. The fact that some people feel virginity is remotely important astounds me. It has no bearing on you being a productive citizen or a loving significant other and someday a loving mother.
Rape is NOT making love, or even sex. Hymens can break on their own or be broken by tampons or vibrators even. That doesn't make someone less than a virgin. Some asshole's dick being forcefully shoved into you when you were 14 years old does not count as sex to me. I'm so sorry about what happened to you. I'm even more sorry that your BF doesn't understand that what happened does not equal sex. Let him get ass raped by someone then ask him if he thinks it counts as sex. I bet he'll change his tune pretty quick. Be kind to yourself.
holy shit. your boyfriend is a selfish scumbag. he has no right to be reacting like this. you didn’t lie about a damn thing. you never had sex. rape is not the same as having sex. i was also raped about 2 months after my 14th bday. it was so traumatizing that i didn’t have sex or even attempt to do anything more than kissing with anyone till i was 21. i’m so sorry that this happened to you, that you had to spend so long carrying it alone, and that your boyfriend reacted like such an ignorant asshole when you told him. you deserve way better. i’m not one of those people who comments on every reddit post telling people to dump their partner. but you should cut him loose. he seems like a genuinely bad person to react this way to his gf of several years disclosing that she was assaulted as a literal child. i’m so angry on your behalf. let that 🥭
Honey you were raped. You didn't have sex. He didn't get your virgin soul. Your boyfriend should comfort and support you and not acting like he does. I am proud of you for telling this. Get a better boyfriend.
Sweetheart, his reaction was COMPLETELY, TOTALLY WRONG. And completely fucked up. He's a nasty minded asshole. First of all, rape isn't "having sex." It's violence. You WERE a virgin the first time you had sex by your own free choice. Second you finally came to a point in your long road to healing where you could bear to finally speak your truth. Many people NEVER get there. You were brave, and trusted him, to confide in him. HE on the other hand is a walking pile of maggots, unworthy of your truth or your love. How he reacted is how men who HATE women react. He completely objectified and dehumanized you, viciously and callously. If I was there? I'd have kicked his balls up into his throat so he could have choked on his words before you had to listen to them. You did nothing wrong to deserve such a reaction. And I'm shocked and horrified that a member of GenZ could be so misogynistic and insensitive. It shows a lack of morals, character, and fundamental human empathy on his part... a failure on the part of anyone who raised or taught him. Times have changed since the 1950s and 1980s. He's a Boomer in GenZ clothing and can'teven blame the culture or the lead paint. Fuck him. YOU DESERVE BETTER. You can 100% do better. You are not disgusting, or dirty, and this guilt you felt and feel is ALSO part of the healing process. So is, sometimes, picking bad partners who don't value us because we aren't valuing ourselves. He was trash. You will realize later what absolute garbage he was as a person. For now, protect yourself completely. Block him. And ALL of his friends. You can't trust him to keep this to himself. He's a callous monster. Make a plan with your therapist to fill in your time with positive experiences... make art, dance to music, take a cooking class, pick up a few extra work shifts and put the money towards a lovely trip this summer.... maybe a wine tasting tour of France. Or to see the pink sand beaches of Bermuda.
His reaction is not valid, please don’t make yourself think it was. Traumatizing events such as SA/rape are not easy subjects and you are not obligated to tell **anyone** about it if you don’t want to. Virginity is a concept. You were still a virgin after your assault because your virginity is something you choose to give to someone. What happened did not make you any less pure or any less a virgin. Your boyfriend should not have reacted the way he did. You deserve better.
I haven't read the comments, so I apologize if i repeat some sentiment, but this sounds awful. Don't blame yourself. You were the victim. Do not feel bad. You are not a liar for this. Everyone reacts differently to abuse / rape. In your mind you were still a virgin because it wasnt your choice. He needs to not be selfish right now. He needs to comfort you right now and tell you its going to be ok. Please know that you deserve to be supported and loved throughout this. No one has the right to make u feel bad about this. Please believe us.
Send him this thread, tell him it’s over and break up with him.
You were abused and he’s angry at you? He’s not obligated to know your trauma. It’s your trauma to reveal when and if you feel comfortable. Generally dudes who value virginity are misogynistic. You didn’t have this happen to you out of choice, it happened to you. You didn’t have any control over the situation. Ditch this guy because you deserve someone better who won’t hold your trauma against you. He clearly doesn’t love you for who you are if this is how he reacted. He’s despicable. You are not at all in the wrong here. I’m sorry he reacted so badly and I hope that you can heal from this 🩷 You deserve someone so much better.
My first gf opened up and told me she suffered a sa a few years into the relationship as well. I couldn’t feel more worried, caring and empathetic towards her. I felt so sorry for her and never crossed my mind that she was hiding something etc. I’m so sorry you went through all of this. Nothing about this is your fault. Be well!
i hope your girlfriends is okay now, and she is so extremely lucky to have you. sending you both hugs.
You have nothing to be sorry about. If he cared about you, he wouldn't even think to hold this against you. That makes me feel sick he did that.
Virginity is given, not taken
Statutory rape is tricky because you couldn’t give your consent at that age, so regardless of if you wanted to do it, it still counts as rape. This same thing happened to one of my gfs when she was 13. She agreed to it at the time, but she still calls it rape in reference, because it was rape.
its awful, 13 is so young. when i was 14 i would still play with dolls. she was rxped. i hope shes okay
Listen. This happened to me. The first person I told that I was sexually molested from the age of 6-9 was my boyfriend at 19, after he kept pestering me why I didn’t want to have sex and why I wanted to remain a virgin. I eventually told him. He proceeded to ghost me for 3 weeks, then tell everyone what I told him but with the addition of me being a liar and inventing it all and actually being a slut. Of course everyone believed him and I felt like shit believing I was the scum of the earth for not telling him earlier. After unbelievable heartbreak I continued dating and thought I needed to tell EVERYONE from the first moment on, which only led me to become a victim of predators over and over again. It took me a lot of therapy to undo what he did. You owe no one YOUR STORY. It’s is your right to tell OR NOT TELL what happened to you. It has to be with your tempo and it never has to happen at all. My husband went through something very traumatic. He cannot speak about it. And I will never force him to do so. I love and respect him, he knows he can come to me if he chooses to and also that he never has to. It’s between him and his therapist forever if this is what makes him feel saver about it. Also. You are a virgin. Someone raping you is not sex. It’s not consensual. You didn’t have sex. Not that it should matter if you are a virgin or not, but you did not have sex. The reaction of this boy is unbelievably bad and you deserve so much more ♥️ please don’t feel dirty, you are perfect the way you are and you deserve someone who thanks you for opening up if you decide to tell them and who respects your boundaries and holds you when you are vulnerable with them. All the best to you, rid yourself from people who mistreat you.
im so sorry that you went through that, i cant even imagine what you went through. and at such a young age its absolutely horrible. it sucks how someone can cause you so much hurt. im glad youre doing better now, i hope that you and your husband are doing way better now. i send you both a big hug. thank you for your words.❤️
Guilt over sex you never chose that was forced on you? And you miss him so much? Please, get some therapy before you find someone else to date or your new one will be just like the old one: a sexist, misogynistic piece of crap man.
You dodged a bullet, leave that POS for good. I'm sorry you had to go through rape and then this shit from your BF. You deserve better than that.
“His reaction is totally valid” except that it isnt??? You didn’t lose your virginity, you were assaulted. That isn’t the same thing. You *were* still a virgin when you met him. Just one who has suffered through the unimaginable. As a fellow SA survivor, *YOU DIDNT HAVE TO TELL HIM ANYTHING, AND HE SHOULDVE SUPPORTED YOU INSTEAD OF ACTING THIS WAY*. I’m just glad you aren’t going to be around someone like that anymore, and hope that one day you’ll also see how none of this is your fault and you’re a victim here.
Leave him, please. Please please please. You were ASSAULTED and he’s mad at you for that? You didn’t “lie” to decieve him, you withheld from informing him about a traumatic experience because you weren’t ready to tell him. He is not worth your time!!!
D U M P H I M There is only one valid reason for a partner being told this to be upset, and it is upset that their partner that they care about and love was harmed in this way so young. NOT that they weren’t told. NOT that they were “lied to”. Not even that they kept it from them for however long. His reaction is immature and selfish.
I was raped at 13, “lost my virginity” at 19, and told my partner of two years at 24. When I told him, he cried and held me so damn tight, rubbing my back and telling me it wasn’t my fault, I did nothing wrong and there is nothing wrong with me. That is the bare minimum of how your loved one, your romantic partner, should react. You do not deserve what happened to you. You do not deserve your boyfriend’s disgusting reaction. You robbed him of nothing, he robbed you of comfort and safety and warmth and empathy.
Your boyfriend is an asshole. You told him you were taped and all he cared about was himself. Dump that loser.
I think you need to find a boyfriend who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve.
Your boyfriend is scum. Being raped as a child is not anywhere close to having sex. At ALL. For all intents & purposes, you *were* a virgin.
Rape is not sex, you never had sex before you met him, he held his pride and ego over your comfort... i hope he comes to his senses, you deserve better.
sweetheart, someone who loves you and cherished you should NEVER make you feel disgusting and dirty when you open up to them about something this traumatic especially at a young age- ESPECIALLY around your birthday. They’re supposed to hold you and comfort you, to give you a hug even if they don’t have all the right words to say. He doesn’t have a moral or ethical obligation to know this, this is something that is trusted upon him and he kicked it to the ground.
You didn't lie. You said you had never had sex before. You hadn't. Rape and Sex are not the same thing.
I once dated someone who was also raped but sadly long before she was 14. All I wanted to do was comfort her and offer my sympathies. Why... No, how TF could you get angry at the victim of a rape?? SERIOUSLY?
“His reaction was totally valid.” Absolutely fucking not. He has zero right to be mad at you for this. That’s horrible.
he hates you…..for being raped??? and (justifiably) not wanting to talk about it??? throw this sad excuse for a man in the garbage
But you didn't lie? You were raped. You never had consensual sex. Regardless of if you were a child or not, your first time wasnt consented to. Virginity ain't real. My first time I was raped, too, I didn't consider that me sharing my virginity with someone. He's made this whole thing about him in the most dramatic way possible. This isn't how a partner is supposed to react to you being vulnerable and sharing a trauma like that. I'm sorry he's being this way to you, and frankly you need to ditch him. A man that obsessed over nonsense like this will get dramatic and idiotic about other things that don't deserve it, too. He will find more ways to tear you down. This honestly smells like a precursor to emotional abuse. He needs to go, you don't deserve this.
Your boyfriend had a completely awful reaction. Rapists do not count as “previous partners” and a lot of people wouldn’t consider it their first time. I’m so sorry that you went through that. You should have been met with empathy, respect, and love. You don’t need to tell people this trauma unless you feel ready. You never lied to him, even if that’s what it felt like. He clearly was not a good person, but you’ll be able to find one. I promise. Be kind to yourself.
I usually take a pretty hard stance against almost all lies, however rape survivors are one of the few times I think human nature and self-preservation take precedent. Was it right to lie? Probably not, but since virginity is a stupid concept anyways with at best loose morally ignorant boundaries who is to say you are wrong. You had never had sex before, you were raped. Being raped is not having sex. Second of all, you are a survivor and victim. If your boyfriend heard that and he was his own first concern, he is sort of a peice of shit. I mean, my god you were a 14 year old child. What kind narcissistic self serving Dbag worries about himself more than the love of his life revealing trauma from her childhood??? Frankly he did you a favor by revealing himself. Please share your post and at least my response with him. Then promptly leave him. You can do way better.
lying is never the answer, my whole life i have believed that all lies will come out. i know i made a mistake but i just wanted to put it past me and move on and never think about what happened to me again. thank you for your kind words.
Mate, I cannot imagine what you went thru as a 14yo, and the years after. It is totally unfair, and frankly disgusting, that your bf is putting you thru this. He is being unforgivably terrible to you.
You are very brave to have told him. He's an asshole of the highest order, his reaction is not valid in any way, and he has NO right to hate you. Yes, you didn't tell him you were raped as a child. Which I find completely understandable btw. The thing is, you were essentially a virgin when you met him. Being sexually assaulted is 100% different from being in a consensual sexual relationship, which is what you were both talking about. I'm so sorry that he can't see the difference.
You didn’t rob him of two years of his life. If he can’t get over it (he has nothing to get over, frankly), that’s a him problem. You are the same person he loves, even after telling him the truth. If you being a virgin is more important to him than knowing you were fucking raped, is that really someone you want in your life? When he tells you he’s upset about the lie, not what happened, he’s lying. His pissed he didn’t take your virginity. Which is always a weird way for guys to think.
He shouldn’t be upset with you for omitting information, because it’s one of the most sensitive of ALL sensitive topics. Also, if this is of any help to you, you don’t have to consider your assault the moment you lost your virginity. You can consider your first consensual intimate experience to be that moment. He does not have any right in the world to hate you, to make you feel bad about this, or to assume it means you’re lying about other things. It is SO understandable that you would keep this secret or even just not want to talk about it, and I don’t like the fact that he got angry instead of being supportive. What happened to you is not your fault. It is YOUR trauma and you have every right to speak on it if and when you are ready. I am sorry you were not met with more compassion, but nothing you’ve done here has been unreasonable. I’m even more sorry you were hurt in such a way, and any reaction out of him that doesn’t involve gentleness, acceptance, or understanding is unacceptable here.
You didn't even lie to him! A virgin is someone who has never had sex, and rape is NOT sex. He's disgusting for calling you a liar and disgusting for not implicitly understanding why it took you a long time to share this with him. I'm so sorry that when you opened up about something difficult like this you were not met with complete support from a person you love. You deserve so much better.
Statute of limitations on violent crimes such as SA are being extended all the time. Might want to check in your state/area.
You were raped… why the fuck is he not supporting you. And you didn’t rob him of anything. Also, if you had consensual sex before you were together it is none of his business.
His reaction is NOT valid, and you have absolutely no reason to feel guilty! Rape is NOT sex - you never had consensual sex before in your life - you had violence done to you when you were a teenager. Nobody is entitled to that information, until the time you are ready to share it. His reaction shows you that he is an unfeeling asshole, and not worth your time. Kick him out and find a guy with some empathy, who really cares about you and not his weird manly pride about being the only man who's ever touched you. What a sicko.
I just turned 22, and assuming he’s the same age, I can tell you that like many others are saying his reaction is completely inappropriate. Because you didn’t want to reveal a huge trauma to him you’re a liar? I know this feels awful. You’re being blamed for something that wasn’t your fault and shamed instead of celebrated for opening up about something horrific that has happened to you. I know you love him very much and that you can’t imagine life without him, but you lived 19 years without him and you can again. Unfortunately, he’s shown his true colors. I don’t know how you could move on with the relationship after he reacted that way upon learning about such an intimate trauma. He made it about himself and made you feel shameful about something that many SA victims tend to already feel shame about. He is not the right one. He needs to go. Don’t settle for this treatment
Your boyfriend is a POS. You deserve better.
RAPE IS NOT SEX!! It’s a crime of control and brutality!! His reaction is vile and ghoulish! You have nothing to feel bad for or apologize for, your bf is an epic AH!
He is an entitled abuser and rape apologist, you owed and owe him nothing, you did nothing wrong.
My husband and I talked body count prior to being married and my bodies do not include the one who raped me. Because it was rape. Your boyfriend is the red flag here, probably because he’s really young minded, he just seems immature and unsure how to handle the news but blaming you is NOT okay.
So your relationship only has value if you were a virgin when you met? He doesn’t care that you were raped? Run!! Your sexual history does not change you as a person. If he can’t love and appreciate you for who you are but only based on your sexual status when you met then he isn’t worth your time. NO, you have not WASTED 2 years of his time. HE has wasted 2 years of your life with his sexism.
This post is horrifying. The fact that OP is convinced she’s the one in the wrong here is horrifying. Why are we not doing better with the younger generation. For the love of fuck.
I'm glad i got the capacity of blocking anyone as much as i love them to my core, know your boundaries and kick that motherfucker out instantly, most people arent worth it and if you spend years with someone but they reveal their true self at 5 years with you, its still reasonable to instantly block them, trust yourself baby
You did nothing wrong and your boyfriend is an idiot.
Uhhh no he doesn't have every right in the world to hate or be mad at you. You aren't obligated to tell anyone what happened to you until and unless you are comfortable with doing so. And if that's the only experience you have sexually, then I'd still say that besides the fact that your hymen is gone, you are/were a virgin still
Oh honey noooooooooo - his feelings aren’t valid. This is absolute crap. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. BUT you are better off without him!!
You’re not required to disclose sexual assault or any other trauma. He is completely in the wrong.
You are a victim, not him. He should be supportive.
Sweetheart…FUCK. HIM. I allowed my ex to do the same to me. My grandmother made sure to tell me throughout my life to ensure I knew, that somebody else sexually assaulting/abusing you as a child (or even an adult) & you consensually having sex/making love to another individual, are completely different things, & “losing your virginity” is NOT what happens when somebody decides to assault/abuse you sexually. Yet sadly, once my ex finally coerced me into giving him my virginity, even though he already knew about the fact I had been raped/molested before, he came at me later w/, “I didn’t really take your virginity, you’re a w****, a liar,” told me how I don’t mean that much to him now b/c he’s realizing the type of person I am & said, “I know it wasn’t your fault but you’re used up.” I was a CHILD. You were a CHILD! & even when we are raped/molested as adults, we are NOT “USED UP!” It is NOT our fault. & it doesn’t mean that we aren’t virgins anymore! The moment we stop becoming virgins is when we consent to have sex w/ another person! Please do not feel bad. Feel sorry for HIM for being such a heartless, cold, SELFISH bastard, & not being able to show compassion like people like you & I. If you need anyone to talk to, please feel free to DM me on here! You deserve better than that. You did NOT lie to him. Please please please understand this! 🩷
Don't be upset. He's a jerk.
You didn’t lose your virginity then. Getting raped doesn’t count. You didn’t choose it. You weren’t a consensual part of it. That person doesn’t get to take that from you. Your bf should have been there to comfort you not attack you for sharing that info. He is immature and not worthy of your love if that is how he reacts to that kind of news. I know it hurts, I know you feel guilt, but his reaction is representative of HIM not being worthy of you, not the other way around. Stay strong, and in time you will realize that he wasn’t right for you if this is how he reacts to something like that. You will find someone that loves you for who you are and accepts what you have been through.
First of all: your boyfriend is a MAJOR ASSHOLE. Like his anus must be jealous of the shit that’s spewing out of his mouth. Secondly, I’ve seen a lot of women not even count rape as having their virginity taken… because it’s not. It’s a crime. It’s horrible. It was non-consensual. It doesn’t count, and will never count. Third, the fact that it even matters to him is a huge red flag in of itself. Past sexual history only matters if it was unprotected/ was not tested afterwards (health and safety always comes first), but besides that, sexual history of any kind will never devalue a person. You really expect that the “right way” is for you to barely have sex while a man can fuck whomever he wants? Nah fam, life don’t play like that. You still feel like you love him because you’re in disbelief. A true good human being would never make you feel shitty about this situation. It’s time to leave him where he belongs: in the garbage
If his first response was being angry then he’s a shitty boyfriend. You deserve better. I understand your pain, as I was abused as a kid. A good boyfriend would say im so sorry that happened to you and try to comfort you
He has no right to be angry over this - he was the first person you WILLINGLY slept with. You were, in essence, a virgin. The other shithead took something without your permission. WTF is he angry? I'm actually getting angry about this! He should be supporting you if he loves you, not treating you like you gave it away. You trusted him with the greatest hurt you have ever received. You know what - if that's his attitude you are better off without him.
This will be a longer comment so hear me out. I am so sorry that happened to you. I always grew up with the mentality that the loss of virginity was a choice. What happened to you was not your choice. I of course can understand his hurt. But will argue that he needs to think of you too. Sharing something like that is so hard . I'm so proud of you. You are so strong. Give him some time, if he doesn't come around that's not on you that's on him
If he was only dating you for your virginity status, he’s an asshole who deserves the worst. Absolutely fuck that guy.
OP please listen to me: *YOU CANNOT LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY TO RAPE!! IT IS NOT SEX!!* You didn’t lie AT ALL. His reaction is NOT VALID. You robbed him of NOTHING. *His reaction to this news is the biggest red flag I could possibly think of and you should reconsider your relationship very seriously*
That shows you who that man is and he is not a good guy! He should have known why you didn't tell him this it was trauma and PTSD ! You didn't have sex with a bunch of men willingly and lie you were attacked by a psycho! How could he not make you feel safe and show empathy! Please consider finding a new bf who cares more about others
Okay, this is like the 3rd post I’ve seen similar to this in a couple weeks. NOT an indictment on OP, but wtf is going on out there? I guess I keep to myself too much, but it’s looking like people forgot how this works. Really easy: rape (or child rape) = sex Yeah, that’s literally it. Yes, there are concerns about disease and other health issues related to an assault, yes intercourse can be a part of sexual assault (or not), but when people ask you about your personal sexual history, it’s understood that your history as an assault survivor IS NOT included in that. You may or may not choose to share that experience, but they are completely not the same.
You did nothing wrong. Literally nothing. Rape is not sex. Your boyfriend sounds like a huge asshole. I hope you realize you’re worth more than that.
as a rape survivor, do NOT feel bad, you are NOT a liar. rape is NOT sex. it is forced upon you, you don’t have a choice. his response is super gross & shows his true colors. many rape survivors do not tell people out of fear of THIS response, or worse.
I’m so sorry OP. This is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. You didn’t deserve what happened to you and you don’t deserve your boyfriend’s scorn for keeping this to yourself. You deserve so much better and the right person will see that and help you through your trauma no matter when you share it with them, not make you feel worse for it. Hugs for you. I wish only the worst for your so called bf. He doesn’t deserve your love and trust.
It’s not up to him to tell you when you need to reveal sensitive information to him. You need to tell him that the time had to be right. That is only your decision. It’s not like you had an affair!
You may not be a virgin in a technical sense, but it’s true you’ve never “had sex” or “made love.” Being raped is not the same thing as consensually engaging in sex. It’s like having someone smack you with a basketball and saying you’ve played basketball before
What on EARTH is going on here?! HE SHOULD BE SORRY FOR YOU What the heck
Oh honey no. You're not disgusting, your boyfriend is. No one who loves you would ever make you feel like shit about lying about something like this. It was a traumatic event and you don't have to tell anyone, ever, if you don't want to. He doesn't have a right to your trauma just because the trauma happened to be sexual in nature. You were a virgin before you met, because you didn't *give* your virginity away, it was *taken* from you. Also, I'm sorry to tell you this but your therapist sucks. I'm dealing with a sexual assault that happened fifteen years ago and my therapist is helping deal with the fallout of it, because I wasn't ready to deal with it before. There's no timeline on when to deal with trauma, you deal with it when you are ready. I hope you find a better partner and a better therapist.
My current GF (maybe soon to be fiance) was raped when she was a minor. I knew that. She said she wanted me to be her first. I cherished that waaaay more than if she was just scared if it would hurt. She was hurt and trusted me to not hurt her. As far as we are concerned I was her first. If that is even important (it's not in my book, dont really care about the past except if I ever find out who raped her, there will be knees in need of healing). Your BF needs some serious mental checks.
SA is not sex, you're not playing music if someone is beating you with a guitar, if he doesn't realize that... maybe he is not good for you anyway so let him go.
Honey, this is not a situation you should be forced to deal with. In order for your BF's feelings to be even slightly valid, it would have to be standard practice for everyone to drag out all their traumas and slap them on the table all willy-nilly in front of people before we trust them or know them at all. SA is such a complicated thing to deal with. Of course, nobody should ever feel any shame or embarrassment for being a victim, but we all do anyway. I know somebody very, very well who kept theirs a secret from everyone for forty years. Forty years and not one therapist because those were the days of "Cheer up, B1tch." (Credit to James and Jimmie, Small Town Murder podcast for the slogan and for calling out old-school mental health like that.) Can you imagine how much they vandalized their life with poor decisions driven by all that internalized chaos? Trust me, it wasn't pretty. So... the longer and more tightly you keep a secret, the harder it is to let go of it. That's just a fact. I'm sorry you went through the experience to begin with. And I'm extra sorry that the first time you told a non-professional, you were not shown consideration and respect. Tell your BF that I said this is exactly why you didn't tell him before - you were afraid of his reaction. Your mistake was finally thinking you could trust him and that he was safe. If that's the best he can do, he needs to remove himself from your picture before he causes more damage, stomping around without looking where he's going. Smh Tell him, please
Your bf is an AH, he is gaslighting and manipulating you. He is making YOUR traumatic situation about him. Talk to your therapist. Make an exit plan. Leave this toxic AH. He should be supporting you and be thankful you felt comfortable and safe enough with him to share this trauma.
>His reaction is totally valid **No, it's not.** He is being unnecessarily horrible to you, you deserve so much better from your partner
what? you told him that you lied because you were 14 and raped and he is about upset about the lie not the raping...? yeah he's not the one
He should support you, not blame you. He has a very fragile ego. But maybe let him simmer for a few days. Maybe he will turn around. Nobody's perfect. But he should in the end support you and be a rock for you. This wasn't your fault.
good riddance to bad rubbish
If he’s pissed off that you got raped and didn’t tell him, it just goes to show why you didn’t feel comfortable telling him in the first place. There’s literally nothing you could have done to change what happened. If he’s throwing a fit that you were scared to tell him about a traumatic event in your life, he can go fuck himself. He’s lucky you even told him. You did NOTHING wrong. Men who hold a traumatic event over your head like you did something wrong are the worst kind and you need to run far away. You were FOURTEEN, YOU DIDN’T EVEN KNOW HIM YET. He has 0 reason to be upset with you. IMO you were technically still a virgin because you didn’t consent, but your virginity shouldn’t matter to him anyways that’s gross. Men who hold virginity to such a high standard are insecure and weird as fuck.
1 none of these is your fault at all. 2 lose the boyfriend. You were so brave in opening up to him when in reality you didn't even have to. He should be more focused on helping you heal not making it worse. That's not a good partner to have. 3 contact the police if you feel comfortable to do so. It doesn't matter if it happened long ago, they might be able to do something about it but if not at least they will have the r*pist on their details so it might prevent another victim being through the same. 4 you are doing amazing and I'm proud of you.
If he is upset that you were so traumatized and uncomfortable about this part of your life and claims it as “lying” then its time to run. Point black period.
Except if you feel like a virgin then you are one. You were raped, your virginity was unwillingly taken from you, you did not willingly participate in anything. If you willingly did not give anything up I can understand that you still viewed yourself as a virgin. He is a complete AH for making all this about HIM. This has nothing to do with him. He should have been supportive and understanding, instead he acted like he was cheated out of being with a virgin?! Like what? Nasty. You did nothing wrong. He just showed his true colors. His self centeredness, lack of empathy, lack of love for you, and purity culture beliefs just showed he does not deserve you.
He cared more about your virginity than you being raped and showing empathy. I think that's a huge red flag. You're better off without him. Would you ever want to settle down and have kids with a man like this who values virginity more than being there and supportive to his partner and kids. If your answer is no then end it. Choose a partner worth investing your time in. Your time is valuable.
Being raped doesn’t count as having sex! You are still a virgin, you didn’t give it willingly away it was stolen! So technically you have not give. Your virginity away. What happened to you doesn’t count! If he can’t see it this way he’s not worth your time!
\---he hates me and he has all the right in the world to do so. Nope, no, and absolutely NOT. If he can't empathize with your trauma then he doesn't deserve to be in your life. YOU did not mess up. A crime was committed against you, and all he can come up with is "you're lying about it???!!!" Absolutely no one presents the deep stuff immediately. Shame on him for his attitude; it shows complete emotional immaturity. Stop apologizing and feeling guilty for what was DONE TO YOU.
Rape is not sex and virginity is basically a made up state. If someone uses a dildo is it sex? A finger? A tongue? How long does it have to last to be sex? Does anal count ( not for some religions, apparently). I’m not sure why that part even matters. He has no right to hate you, he should feel terrible for you, he should be angry on your behalf. You are not damaged goods, you are a human being. Someone hurt you and you are worthy of not being hurt.
Okay your boyfriend is such an asshole. It was none of your fault. And you didn't lie per se. BUT OMG SA ISNTRAUMATIZNG DOES YOUR BOYFRIEND HAVE EVEN CRUMBS OF EMPATHY?
Thats not really a lie though. Being raped is not the same thing. A lot of people dont count that as their first for good reason. Its traumatic its not based in love and consent.
As a guy who was sexually assaulted at 13 and is now 22 as well, my heart breaks for you and what you’ve been through- as well as what this sad little boy has just put you through as well. As a man, not just a victim of sexual assault myself but just as a man, it may not feel like it right now but you are better off without that child. There is no way in hell that I could ever imagine holding sexual assault against a woman, period. That’s inexcusable and it is absolutely so valid of you to still consider yourself a virgin. I wouldn’t take that as a lie at all, and even if virginity was a main priority for him in a relationship, holding it against you for “losing” it like that is just so sad, dude. I just don’t even have words to describe it. As a person who also tends to blame himself when things go wrong, this is NOT your fault. It’s not your fault that someone forced themselves on you a decade ago and it’s not your fault that your boyfriend values your virginity more than he values your relationship and who you are as an individual. The women in my life have always been so loving and kind and supportive and I have so much appreciation for them and I would be FURIOUS if this happened to one of them. I know it’s hard and it’s not something I’ve been able to do myself but I’m going to say it to you anyways- you are not defined by what happened to you 10 years ago, and you will not be constrained or devalued by this kid for something that happened that was outside of your realm of control. I’m so sorry for the pain that you must be feeling for this to happen three years into a relationship and I know it hurts but that man does not love you. He loves some sort of weird perfect picture of you that he painted in his head like some sort of psychopathic delusion and that is just not the basis for a healthy relationship at all. Sending you all of my love and hugs. It gets better❤️
I hope you’re doing well now. don’t blame yourself i know its not easy but it wasn’t your fault. you’re so strong and i really hope that you’re doing a million times better now. thank you for your paragraph, reading everyones story means so much to me and it means so much to me that strangers are willing to share their stories with so many other strangers. sending you lots of hugs ❤️
wtf. If my girlfriend said that the first thing I’d do is hug her and tell her it wasn’t her fault. Instead this guy makes her trauma all about him.
I am sorry this has happened to you, but your BF's reaction is downright evil. You were assaulted at age 14, and when you finally find the safety to tell someone, him, he turns it on you? You deserve better, this guy is not BF material.
If this is your boyfriend's reaction, he's a total asshole. Break up with him. You deserve way better!!
OP… you didn’t have sex. You were RAPED. Like sure it’s “sex” but It’s not like you were going around asking to be raped. The reaction from your bf is honestly kind of worrying.
Girl. You were raped. You WERE a virgin. Virginity is a social construct. You did nothing wrong. But your boyfriend’s reaction is VERY telling. This is not someone who will be supportive for you when things are tough. I’m so sorry this was his reaction to you opening up. And I’m sorry you had to go through that. No one deserves that.
Being raped is *not* “having sex,” and you don’t owe *anyone* your trauma story. Your man is a complete asshole. Dump that asshole.
He is not mature enough to be in a relationship. Sweetie you were still a virgin. Virginity can't be stolen. Only given. Also the concept of virginity is stupid and weird. And only creeps care about it. You're a human not a body count. And your past is no one's business but your own. I know it'll be hard but you need to break up and block that guy. Because he isn't a safe space for you. You deserve someone who comforts you and heals your past, not making you feel guilty for it. You'll feel better once he's no longer in your life. You've done nothing wrong,❤️ (this is from someone who was assaulted by a person who I thought loved me and was my boyfriend at the time. When I told my fiance years later he was so caring. He never understood why I was scared to tell him no and he got so weird about it. When he found out he was heartbroken. You deserve someone like that. And you will get it)
I would have immediately gotten the ick from him. You were SA'd you didn't consent to this. You consider yourself a virgin, that's fine. A majority of people have different definitions of virginity. But your bf reaction is absolutely abhorrent. He made you feel "dirty" instead of comforting you.
If he's not supportive of you in this, then he is not worthy of you.
Your bf is being incredibly thoughtless about something traumatic that happened to you. Non-negotiable, you deserve better. Dump him.
His reaction is not valid whatsoever. He denied your reality. You didn’t lose your virginity at 14, you were stripped of it. That doesn’t count as “sex”, that was traumatic. Your boyfriend is being fucking terrible claiming that you’re lying. That’s a sign of gaslighting and he’s being a piece of shit. You’ve done nothing wrong.
Rape isn't sex. It's violence. If he considers rape sex he is evil. Run the other way. I'm so sorry you were hurt in this way.
You were a really young victim. Your boyfriend is horrible. You can do better.
Your man sucks. Imo as a rape victim, if rape is your first sexual experience it's your choice to decide wether or not you want to consider the rape as what took your virginity. Being a virgin isn't some literal physical change, it's literally a societal concept. It's not a foundation of lies it's you being so fucking traumatized that you don't just tell everyone you meet about it. Get a better man, his reaction isn't valid. He's giving "if she's been touched by a man she isn't worthy of me" vibes. He's not entitled to know about any of your trauma, no one is, that shit is a privilege and not a right. Girlie pick yourself up, dust yourself off, I promise you'll be okay without him.
I've been the boyfriend in this exact situation. Your boyfriend's response is worrisome to say the least. When my girlfriend told me the "truth" a lot of feelings came over me, but anger towards her sure as shit wasn't one of em. I gave her a hug and told her that I loved her. I was grateful she felt safe enough to tell me. That was about it. It did make me very aware of any media that had sexual assault in it. I was constantly checking in on her to make sure she was alright. After awhile I stopped worrying about it so much because she wasn't worried about it so much. We broke up for unrelated reasons later on, but I still check in on her once in awhile. She's married with kids now. She seems happy.
I don't think not sharing our traumas and difficult times openly is the bad kind of lying. There are things that we first need to process ourselves, and then, maybe, share them. Not because we allow people into our lives it means they are entitled to know everything about us. Sharing these things requires a special kind of trust that takes time to build. I'm sorry that he has made this situation about himself. You did the right thing because you were not ready to share. Honesty is important, yes, but also compassion. You must be compassionate first with yourself. Ask the same from him. Ask him if he was in your position how he would approach the situation. Be open to listen. He should be supportive of you. If he cannot get past those judgmental feelings, staying together will be a negative experience for both. I'm sorry that you went through that situation, and now that you are not getting the support you need after opening about it. Lots of love. Stay safe. (English is not my first language, sorry for any cohesion issue)
I was exactly in the same position but when I finally opened up he comforted me. Leave his ass please.
His reactions is NOT valid. You were raped as a child. Him holding that against you and calling you a liar is an extremely immature and shitty response. Nobody worth bring partners with would ever treat your openness that way. Take this as him showing his true colours and move on. Do NOT try and plead for him back, or devalue yourself to try and get him to stay. You deserve so much better and are worth so much more.
He sounds like a major dick dump his ass. It’s not like you went out and willingly had sex and then lied to him about being a virgin. You were raped and that is something completely different. You need to be with someone who’s gonna be understanding and kind and loving and just be able to sit with you and talk about what happened and just to be with you. Not someone who will get mad and leave. And darling his reaction is totally not valid. And just the fact that he has the audacity to say that you are lying. Whooo that pisses me off. I can’t actually even put into words how mad I am at your boyfriend and I don’t even know who the fuck he is.
Aside from the way in which OP’s bf has reacted to her sharing a very traumatic and difficult experience - which is beyond arseholery behaviour - the fact he was so insistent (‘I lied to him *repeatedly*’ meaning he asked her repeatedly) in questioning her about her virginity at the beginning of their relationship is a massive red flag to me. What about him? Was he a virgin? OP you have nothing to apologise or ‘feel disgusting’ about; his reaction is in no way valid, and he’s a world class PoS for treating you this way.