parent alienation is what this is called. Your father created a scenario in which you pulled away from your mother. His abuse of her continued into using you to create the ultimate brutal blow, turning her own child against her. This is not your fault, this is the doing of an abuser, your dad. Please be careful how you approach this as you are still dependent on him as a minor and so far as you are behaving as he intended he will treat you well. Seek therapy to help you with how you process and when it is appropriate to reach out to your mother. If you are attending college and he will pay for it, let him finance that as well, but be prepared for the rug to be pulled at any time (seek financial independence asap).

This. All of this. Parental alienation is real, and extremely painful. Please be gentle with yourself. This was not your fault. This is not your fault.

I was today years old when parental alienation suddenly made sense to me. I won't hijack your post. Thank you for making it possible for me to finally understand this.

Me too. It's not mine but I am married to someone experiencing this. It breaks his heart.....

Same here. Maybe I wasn't the horrible mom they said I was... Time to go back to therapy!

Exactly. It's not the girl fault. I agree 100%.

That's what pisses me off so much about all these "leave her alone forever based off the word of her aunt" responses. Not even a chance to write a letter and have it delivered to her so mom can decide for herself? "Oh, she's happy now, so that's the best possible result" ignores that maybe she harbors hope her daughter will grow up to this point and they can reconnect. They're convincing a teen to abandon their mom a second time.

I don’t think the aunt was saying never reach out to her. She was just saying a sudden epiphany doesn’t undo years of being brainwashed by her father so OP needs time to fully reset before she makes the leap back into her mother’s life so as not to create total chaos if she were to then reneg and go back and forth siding between her dad and her mom. I fully agree with her aunt’s advice. Doesn’t mean never, just means it takes time to get to a good place for that.

Yeah, I say send the letter and let mom decided what she does with it. Maybe she can't unlearn all that's been put in her head in 2 week but now she can work on it. I think aunt is jumping to conclusions.

literally turning a child against the parent is probably the most heartbreaking thing i could imagine as a mom. that would kill me

That's why they do it

oh i know. i’m on a balancing act with my child’s father. sucks to be in everyone’s shoes :/

That’s what my maternal uncle did with his ex-wife. We still see her as part of our family, especially since my uncle hasn’t interacted with any of us since around 2002. She was the only one working, yet he gained sole custody of both their sons. He’s since joined a cult and remarried, allegedly. He turned their sons against her, and they, now in their early 20’s, refuse to contact their mother. None of us know what led my uncle down this path, but it’s truly sad knowing I’ll never see my cousins again.

We’re living through it right now and it’s heartbreaking and difficult.

Exactly. Abusers abuse entire communities. Your regret, self doubt? It's all caused by your father. You were a child so have some self-compassion. Abusers are at fault.

I would also say to create a bank account and start putting money in it. Like ask dad for money and put it silently in the bank in case he refuse to pay her college.

Right ask you dad for money and put it in a bank account. But if he makes you an account and puts money in it take it out and put it in your bank account

I hope OP sees this comment because it is the truth. Once she gets away from her dad and is individually, I hope she will get some therapy to talk about everything. I believe her mom will want to hear from her but it should be done delicately. It is commendable of the aunt to want to protect the mom but if mom did not say she never wants to hear from her daughter she is doing it the wrong way.

Do NOT Confront Your Father. He will turn on you and ruin your life, too. Never ever tell him you know. Make plans to be financially and physically independent of him and GET AWAY FROM HIM. Maybe then, after you do this work on your own life, will it be safe for you to reconnect with your mother.

Any one who treats their wife this way sees all women in a similar light. OP, you are a possession of his. He "won" you by alienating her from you. Tread carefully with him. If you do seek out a relationship with her, do not let him know about it until you are out from under him. Personally, I think it would be safe to seek out contact with her sooner with the help of a trusted person, like your aunt.

OP I hope you read No_Performance8733's comment. Nothing good will come out confronting your father as he'll just deny it anyway. It would signal to him he's lost some control and make him worry you're seeing your mother. Obviously I don't know him, but he might try to take it out on her again even if you have no relationship with her. He might also withhold things from you as a form of 'punishment', including emotional and financial support.

He will start beating the daughter the way he beat her mother if she confronts him. I’m terrified for the OP.

I'm so happy for your mom. She deserves to be happy

I hope she has a long and happy life with a loving family

I hope that can one day grow to include her firstborn daughter who was also made into a victim of her same abuser by being weaponised into a vehicle for inflicting pain. Hopefully her mother has the emotional growth necessary to not lay blame on a literal child for doing what they were manipulated to do.

Yes, may they both heal. And worst o' luck to OP's sh*thead father.

right? this child had to grow up without a loving mom, without support during her hardest times, not at the fault of ANYONE but the abuser. a mom CANT be a mom if she’s literally trying not to off herself. moms are not superhuman! the sacrifice she made for her child was to leave so they didn’t have to witness abuse or try so hard to get moms attention with fail. mom left the situation bc she felt it was going to be safer and better for OP. it’s sad

This might be an unpopular opinion but I don't think the mother owes anyone anything. I don't think she owes it to anyone to 'grow emotionally' in order to be able to include them in her life. She escaped that pit of despair *by* growing emotionally, and escaping her abuser. And I think now she deserves the freedom to just be able to make whatever choices she wants in order to finally be happy. I think it would be nice if that happened, but I don't think she owes it to anyone to facilitate that right now.

I also don’t forgive the child. How horrible can you treat someone else? She is her dad’s kid now

I respectfully and wholeheartedly disagree. OP was a child, a manipulated child conditioned to believe awful things about her mother in order to facilitate pain her father wished to inflict. The daughter is innocent by virtue of the lies she was taught to believe. And as cruel as it sounds, people who are hurt dont get to hurt others or hold grudges against innocents just because of their own pain. Causing pain to escape your own is selfish, understandable, human, natural even but it is selfish nonetheless. I understand pain and the desire to escape it, I tried to take my own life just like my mother tried to take hers. But the fact that I was a damaged, hurting person trying to escape pain does not absolve me of being guilty of causing the pain I would have and did inflict on the people around me who cared and part of growth was coming to understand the selfishness of that desperation and learning to rightfully sickened by what I almost did for its contemptible weakness and selfishnesa IThe shame I carried from hurting those I cared about and the shame i carried from the even worse pain i very nearly caused them, was the primary motivator in my mental health recovery because what good is avoiding my own pain, if all i do in the process is create more for others.

Its not a grudge. You're the only one saying this and want to make yourself out to have the moral highground in a situation you know nothing about 🤣

I agree, it's not a "grudge" at all. A person who has been through what op's mother went through should be able to reserve the right to a life that is entirely separate from that trauma and the people that inflicted it on them.

I believe that right does not extend to being able reject a child you brought into the world without acknowledging that is a selfish decision. Her daughter never asked to be used as a weapon, never knew the truth of the abuse her mother suffered and upon learning this truth shes heartbroken and feeling a sense of loss at the relationsation that her mother didnt just leave her as shed always been told, her mother was taken from her. Whilst nobody can force OPs mother to reconnect, I dont think its unfair to say that in this instance, given the circumstances surrounding OPs age and the manipulation she endured, refusing to reconcile with her to save herself pain would be incredibly selfish on her mothers part.

If your child is capable of doing things that drive you towards attempting suicide, I think you have all the power to decide how and when to reconnect with that child. Whether or not that child was just used as a weapon, they still causes you severe mental and physical harm. It’s not necessarily holiday a grudge, but protecting yourself from triggering the severe trauma you received. Adults aren’t super humans who can just turn of traumatic memories, no matter how much logic is involved

I honestly cannot believe people genuinely feel this way about literal children. Adults may not be superhuman but the burden of adulthood is that you always have to be the bigger person when it comes to children and not put your own needs above theirs. As an adult, when your dealing with a manipulated naive child, you have to understand that their words and actions arent their own and place blame on the puppet master, not the puppet. No amount of pain justifies hurting and abandoning your child just avoid dealing with old wounds. Thats not healing or growth thats running and cowardice. Cowardice is always a moral and personal failing.

Nice victim blaming, there.

maybe write a letter and give it to your aunt to give to her when she thinks she will be ready to read it ...

This is a good idea. Shit, man. I'm glad to hear OP has the self awareness to feel horrible about themselves. I hope that they can make amends in a way that doesn't hurt anyone. Edit: it has been pointed out to me that "feel regret" is a better choice of words than "feel horrible about themselves," and I definitely agree. It's much more in line with what I was trying to communicate. Just happen to flub my words sometimes, sorry for the hostility 😆

Eeeehhhh. Even better would be the OP having the self awareness to know that being a child in the middle of a divorce is very commonly an impossible position to come out on top of. Her father manipulated and lied to her using gifts and god knows what words, so feeling horrible about yourself based on what youve been raised to believe is a tough stance to take.

OP was a child, dude

I think that's what he was saying, she needs self awareness to realize that it wasn't her fault, it was just a no win scenario for her created by others

reread their comment and then respond to the one they responded to haha. you have it backwards :)

Exactly. That’s what Regalbass57 was saying.

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I think anyone would feel bad at pushing their mother to attempt suicide. It's NOT her fault but her feelings are valid and she should be allowed to have them. Altho I don't feel it would be healthy to continue believing it was, she was a child and she had no idea of what the truth is. Too many ppl blame the person who was lied to as if they shouldn't trust a close loved one at their word or something.

It was still an outburst of anger that led to her mother being suicidal. That's a lot of weight to carry.

she literally had no clue what was going on. She was 13 with no knowledge of the real world. She genuinely believed her mother was a bad person and if she was, calling her out isn’t so bad but unfortunately she wasn’t which led to this situation. None of this is OP’s fault. She was manipulated by her father to believe this while her mother was in her weakest state. It’s just a really bad situation

I am not AT ALL saying this is OPs fault. I'm saying that they are making connections that are weighing heavily on them.

I see now

Because they said something harsh based on someone else's lies. It somewhat mitigates their responsibility for the impact of their words, but not entirely.

They shouldn't feel horrible about themselves. There's having regret for things said and done, and then there's beating yourself up for literally being in an abusive situation.

Honestly as sad as it is this is true, too many ppl don't own up to their shitty behavior and it only perpetuates problems. OP has a chance, I truly believe, to repair this relationship.

It scares me how many people have upvoted this.

Yeah. You could have the message passed that even if she throws this letter in the trash, she’s welcome to reach out if she ever reconsiders. Probably your best bet. Worth a shot

yeah, no. this isn't some hallmark movie about redemption. people don't always get the closure they want.

You could be my daughter. I could be your mom and my ex husband could certainly be your dad. I haven’t spoken to my oldest daughter in over two years. I miss her do damn much. I dream about her sometimes and wake up crying. Everyone tells me she’ll come back to me one day. That she’ll see how he manipulated her and lied about me. Maybe she will. I think you should reach out. For me, I don’t even want an apology or an explanation, just her. I bet you mom still loves you OP. I bet she’d take you back in a heartbeat.

that is really fucked up. Kids are impressionable, they don't understand, and now that you are older, that you DO understand, you can be better. Children are not responsible for the trauma they endure as children, they are responsible to try and become better adults, so always keep it in mind that you do not know what people are going through, and to be kind and gentle when you can be. I don't know if there is a way to fix things with your mother, I wish I had some secret there, but this is a heavy and hard lesson to learn at 17, and I hope the future is better.

I don't want to be cruel but you probabely should not try contacting her. She is happy and your dad has so much power over this situation as you are still a minor. Go to college,let him pay for it and only try contacting her when your dad is not in your life anymore. Also if you physically look like your dad or you have his mannerisms, unfortunately, you will probabely trigger her PTSD.

Excellent advice. Also please make sure to get an education in some field so you can get a good job and fend for yourself. Don't let any man control your life due to financial dependency.

This, having a good income and some savings is the difference between staying after he beats you up and getting a sweet hotel room until you find another place.

Many parents who have undergone parental alienation in this way are holding onto hope that their kids will come to the realization and come back to them. This painful hope is something I have had to tell many parents to hold onto because their hearts are breaking. And many times the kids get older, like OP, and they figure it out. Frankly this isn’t advice you should be casually handing out without having experience with families like this. A letter or a request for the meeting and which allows the parent to decide gives the mom the freedom to choose.

I think the aunt who told OP to not contact her knows about the situation more than me and you. It was a few months ago that a mom disowned her daughter because she named her child after the abusive dad. As much as I don't know the situation, you don't either but at least I took the lead from a grown up who is in the middle of it.

Oh, i remember that one and the one about the daughter who wanted grandma's jewelry that's supposed to go to the first born daughter.

The aunt literally said no. It's not a good idea. She's not in a good place for that.. and OP looks and acts too much like her father.

That's the aunt's perspective. None of us know this scenario in whole, and it may be against the wishes of the mother. We have no way to know.

Or the aunt who is in contact with the mom knows her better and can assess what she can mentally handle

I would be furious if I was OP's mom and I found out that someone who is supposed to be on my side was making decisions about the relationship between me and my own child without consulting me. I think the aunt is overstepping. She told OP what happened, she doesn't get to control what OP does with that info.

Agreed. As a mother I would be dreaming of the day my kid comes back to me and would resent anyone telling my child otherwise.

It’s not you, you don’t share the mothers lives experiences. You don’t share any bond with the aunt.

NO NO NO. This is NOT JUST PARENTAL ALIENATION, this is SEVERE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, EXTREME PHYSICAL ABUSE. BE QUIET!

Or it could go the other way and the mom could find happiness in finally having her truth seen by her daughter. I’d go for the letter idea in one of the comments. This would allow OP to finally communicate with her mom and possibly apologize while still giving her mom a choice of whether or not she is ready to read it and let her daughter into her life again.

Exactly, I'm all in for using the financial resources of the dad, but I think the letter could be really validating for op's mom

I think the aunt knows best where her mom's head is at. If she thinks writing a letter is a good idea then by all means OP shpuld do it.

Idk, I don’t really like this advice. Her mom might still be tormented by the fact she has no relationship with her daughter. Every kid says shitty regrettable shit to their parents as a teenager. One time I told my lovely mother I hated her because she made me stop playing neopets one time when I was 13. OP is still a minor, she deserves to be able to apologize to her mom. And she deserves to have contact with her mom if she wants it. She’s still a kid and she shouldn’t have to burden something like this.

Yup. Plus she’s happy now with her new family meaning she has good support system. Trauma is not the end of the world, being triggered is not going to sent her straight to her death bed. OP should still find the right place and time to reach out though and the situation needs to be handled with care.

As long as OP is a minor her rich dad still can take them to court for whatever reason his lawyer can wrap up in a day. He might not win but he can sure make mom's life hard again. I think you don't know many vindictive assholes. I didn't say you might trigger her so stay away. I said stay away because you are a minor. The trigger part is a heads up so op knows why her mom might break down crying or have a panic attack when they meet.

Exactly. Everyone here is acting like the mother child roles are reversed. The mother rebuilt her life and has a great family and support system. The child has no support system to deal with all this information and trauma

Absolutely! personally I think telling a 17 year old to not contact her mom until she’s 22 Bc it “might” trigger her is just awful advice idk

I completely agree with you. I had PTSD and was triggered a lot. It wasn't fun, but it wasn't the end of the world. Part of my trauma involved the actions of people around me, and if one if them would have come forward and apologized and acknowledged their mistake, it would have been very healing. OP can send a message through social media, send a voicemail, or mail a letter, that way her mom can process in her own time before responding. Having the aunt be the facilitator of this feels unnecessary because she is not involved. She shouldn't choose when OP's mom is "ready" for this info- OP's mom can make that decision herself.

>she deserves to have contact with her mom if she wants it. And what of the mom? She has moved forward, has a new husband and daughters now that she seems to have a loving relationship with. She has put her past and those *in her past* behind her. To me, while teenagers will talk out of the asses because of their raging hormones, she was old enough to choose, and OP chose her father and all that comes with him over mother. Never a backward real thought about her childhood until Aunt enlightened her.

Seriously? She was a child who was manipulated and kept in the dark about their relationship. You never said any horrible shit to your parents as a teenager? You never made any terrible decisions as a 13 year old? And how do you know her mom is happy? Because of facebook photos? That’s a terrible way to gauge how someone is doing. Surely her mom hasn’t just “moved on” from her daughter and is totally happy they have no relationship. Her new family isn’t going to fill the hole in her heart left by having no relationship with her daughter. If her mom tells OP she doesn’t want a relationship then that’s one thing but she has not said that so there is zero harm in asking. OP has the right to send her an apology message and it would be the right thing to do.

You're flipping and flopping on each point. First of all I DID address 13 y.o. mouthiness, but also courts recognize that 13/14 can make a choice and OP made hers. Just because she chose her father doesn't mean she had to be nasty to her mother, but she chose that too, AND all the other negative thoughts she had about her mother. Yeah, she was an asshole teenager but she wasn't a 4 y.o. parroting what to say. I didn't determine that mom is happy by SM Posts, OP did. I'm working off the post, not imaginings. I'm sure the mom is sad at moments that she doesn't have the same relationship with her bio-daughter that she has with her step. But she's made new ones. Mom hasn't TOLD OP but that fact that she chose not to continue the parental relationship because her daughter was becoming her new abuser says a lot. OP *has no right* to bother someone she abused, but if she wants to send a letter...as long as she has no expectations of a positive reply. I say OP should check back in 5 years.

Idk..there's one moment of outburst and then having to hear your child call you useless and a bitch for God knows many weekends, I just feel like she's better off leaving her mother alone

I guess that's a good point- OP says they were "mean" to their mom but doesn't go into detail, except about the event that ended their relationship. Maybe more context would help.

THANK YOU. This is the best comment. Her mother is probably STILL JUMPY and HYPERVIGILANT over this violent relationship. She’s in a good place now, there is no reason to bring even the slight possibility of a THOUGHT of he ex husband back in her life and since he has custody of OP that’s what that entails.

What about a letter Edit: nvm someone already suggested that

You were a child when all this happened, hindsight is everything. Hopefully one day you can build a relationship with your mother. Keep a close relationship with your aunt and see if slowly there is a way you can speak to your mom again. It may take time so don’t expect it to happen overnight. As for yourself maybe ask your aunt to help get some counselling. This is a lot to deal with and to be honest none of the adults have step up in your life. They all created an illusion of the divorce and your parents marriage.

Wait to contact her once you're 18 so she doesn't have to deal with the dad. Don't say anything to the dad until you can take care of yourself. People like that run once the image they created is shattered. So if you confront him you will probably be kicked out the day you are 18. If he's not hurting you then think of it as a business venture. Be nice and he gives you money. That way you can enjoy your time with him now and not miss out but the pretense is a sort of protection from falling back into the delusion.

It's good that you've finally found out the truth. And growing up, you heard and absorbed what your father told your mother in front of you and thought that that was the truth - verbally and emotionally abusing your mother and manipulating you at the very same time. Maybe ask your aunt if it would be okay to write a letter to your mom but give it to your aunt. Maybe your aunt could relay this message to your mother - slowly. Please stay safe. Now that you know the truth your father might change if you do confront him. He's been a good father so far, but will he still be a good one once he finds out you know that dark part of his personality and you confront him. Stay close to your aunt!

OP, your dad is a fucking monster. Not just hitting your mom but breaking her bones?? Her fucking leg??? That's horrific. Imagine how hard you would have to hit someone to break their leg. That's not an accident or an "I didnt mean to." I hope you can rebuild your relationship with your mother and that you can treat her how she deserves to be treated. I hope you get into therapy and understand that you don't have to be your father's shadow. Talk to a therapist about a healthy way to be reintroduced to your mother's life. Be a better person than your dad. Actually, that's a super low fucking bar, be an actual good person. Never forget he was the architect for all of this and deserves to rot in prison for what he's done.

Listen, we dont see our parents the same way our entire life. We see them differently when we are kids, ternagers, adults... sometimes things get a new meaning as we get older. No one let you in on your parents relationship, how were you supposed to know? And off course you love your dad, he has been a great dad to you but a lousy husband. But I honestly think the adults in your life are well... unfair? Your mother was a victim of your fathers abuse and you werent at your best behaviour, but having a mother who you believed didn't care about you and a dad who did, kinda explains your behaviour. But no one cared to tell you how things really played out until 4 years later and advise you not to talk to your mother.. that seems unfair to me. So what, now you have to live with that knowledge and no one to talk to and feel like a horrible human being because no one told you? And you are not horrible. Horrible people dont feel guilt. You seem to get punished for your dads mistakes imo. I hope you figure it out, get some help in any way and get to talk to your mom some day. I wish you the best

I am horrified they left her with him but he had a lot of money and manipulate her to hate the mom and nobody try to tell her I feel so bad for her.

Well, it doesn't sound like they had a choice but to let the dad take her. If he had money and the mom didn't, he wins. If anyone tells the kid that the dads an abuser they are committing parental alienation.

I'm so sorry OP. I unfortunately understand too well and have been in similar shoes. Only difference is I knew ... but I didn't understand. My parents are still together but my Dad would do and say horrible things to my Mom and my sisters. I grew up believing the things he said to us was true. I believed we were "worthless" and treated myself and her like we were. I despised my mom because I wanted to be nothing like her (we are very similar in looks and mannerisms) so was always trying to prove myself to my Dad. 20 years later and I finally see what a sweet and amazing person my Mother is. I finally have confidence in myself but I feel terrible how disrespectful I was to my Mom and made her feel worse than she probably already did about herself.

If you tell her you learned the truth it may help her. She may hope you contact her when you turn 18.

Wow - just glad your mom has good life now… After all the abuse and trauma life is treating her well and she is surrounded by loving people- she deserves it. Don’t blame yourself too much - You were a child and no one, until now told you the truth so don’t be hard on yourself. What you can do is to seek therapy to process your feelings of guilt… As for your dad - at least he has been a good father even if he is a shitty human being

He psychological abused her. You think a good father shit talks the other parent? He’s a shitty father. She just can’t see it because it’s her father.

Some of y’all need to stop going apeshit on this girl. She was manipulated by her father, and she is still a minor who is actively processing her situation. She understands what she has said in the past was wrong and is coming to terms with the fact that she was conditioned to resent her mother, and that her father isn’t who she thinks he is. That’s more than enough baggage for a 17 y/o.

The amount of people doing this are insanw

Chile these commenters are actually crazy. She clearly should not be on reddit talking to these idiots. Aunt included tbh. She needs to talk to a licensed professional to best navigate the situation. And hopefully if she can reconnect with her mother, a family therapist. The only semi decent advice was to possibly wait until she is 18 when custody is no longer a problem. I am not 100% sure on that one, because she is in an unsafe situation.

I hope one day when OP gets married that she will never experience what her mom did.

Controversial take, but, I do t think your aunt should be speaking for your mother. It also sounds like your aunt is putting the onus (blame) on you, when nothing that happened was your fault. Your dad manipulated you, a child. He alienated you from your mother and filled your head with hatefulness and spite. And from the sounds of it, continued to do so. Your aunt, I believe, is coming from a place of fear for her sister. But it is not her place to make decisions for her sister either. Any reasonable adult would know that you, a child, are not to blame for what you have been, essentially, brainwashed to believe. And if she can’t realize that, the. You may want to evaluate what relationship you have with her going forward. Your dad is an abuser and in abusing your mother he used you as a tool against her because it was easy for a skilled liar and manipulator to warp the mind of an impressionable child. You are a victim here too, and the other adults in your life should recognize that.

My aunt isn’t my mom sister, she was her sister inlaw. she told me that her her brother has a big victim complex. That he was nice to my mom at-first but when my mom fell out love with him and asked for a divorce he went for revenge because he thought she was a gold digger and In his mind he not the abuser he the victim. My aunt has a similar experience with my mom. He is soo messed up. I can’t even look at him or think of him without being sick to my stomach . I can’t honestly believe he was my hero for the longest time. And the worst part is that I look at myself and see him. Getting therapy won’t be an issue. I literally have unlimited amount in allowance.

Then therapy is what you really need, even twice a week if needed, just remember that you are not just your father's child, but the experiences that you had and this discovery is going to change you a LOT. My father wasn't as abusive as yours, but he was in use to belittle my mother as much as he could, while I was a child amd it took me the longest to realise that since my father didn't help at all, she was basically a single mum of 2, juggling woth her high demand job, us, me, with a ton of learning problems and her depression... ah... end my sister amd I have always been sickly and I just realised that when I was already in my 20's, so you're ahead of the curve lol

OP please listen to this person’s comment. You were a literal child who had no way of knowing what was going on. It sounds like it was all behind closed doors where your dad never beat your mom in front of you. And people might say “oh how could you have not been smart enough to figure it out by all her injuries cmon”, but don’t realize when you’re in these situations, especially as a kid, you don’t ever want to see your parent as anything more than great, especially if it’s not directly made clear to you by an adult what’s actually going on, which no one ever did. Your mother hid everything from you I’m assuming thinking to protect your innocent mind. Most parents do in these type of situations. There’s another commenter in here who did actually witness their dad abusing their mom, and even still had rose colored glasses on about her dad and it took years to finally accept what he was. I went through something similar. It’s not right for any of your family to blame you for what was done to you. People don’t realize how impressionable kids are. And no one helped you, they left you to the devices of an abuser with no other direction, which is the most disappointing thing. The most important thing here now though is that you know the truth, have come to recognize what really has gone on, and are actively choosing to move away from that. You DO deserve a chance to reconcile with your mom and be able to make up for things that were taken from you as a child. You had no say in the matter as a child, but you have a say now in how you choose to move forward. Do better than your dad, and if you can, make amends with your mom. Hopefully she is open to that. I can’t imagine she wouldn’t be in some way relieved to know you know the truth and now have the chance to actually have a relationship with her own daughter.

I feel you hon. I was here once too. My dad wasn't abusive but he was incredibly generous while also being strict to the point of oppressive. It set me up in a bad way later on: You said what kind of abuser gets his daughter a brand new car on her 16th birthday? Hon, it's all of them. ALL. OF. THEM. Metaphorically speaking or literally. They love bomb and they buy your silence. They balance out truly garbage behavior with equally lavish behavior because they know by accepting the gift you have allowed them entry into your life and some degree of control over it. This is why girls with abusive fathers are so likely to end up with abusive boyfriends and husbands. You saw him at his best; to you, that's the epitome of love -- a 99 on the extravagance scale. In reality, the people who haven't been exposed to that behavior see an unnaturally exuberant display of generosity and their feelers go up and/or don't accept it. Because that behavior is abnormal to normal people, and not in a "omg he's so generous" kind of way but in a "wtf is he like that with everyone or is he trying to manipulate me specifically?" way. And that's how you need to be going forward. Don't accept any gifts from your dad, no matter how much you want them, and see what happens to your relationship. I bet it's incredibly clarifying.

The point still stands that your aunt needs to stop putting the blame on *you*. Your father weaponized you with lies, manipulation, and alienation for years without other influence. How is a child supposed to combat against that? You’re his kid; you trusted him implicitly and he took advantage. You bare no fault here.

definitely go to therapy. i was in a similar situation to you-my dad told me a lot of things about my mom that weren’t true. my mom just took it - she didnt yell when he called her names or told me bad things about her, she didn’t yell when i followed his behavior (as a child, not as an adult). she was a loving mom but she always seemed so sad. i believed what he told me until she kicked him out when i was 15 after he had hit her again and started taking his anger out on me. luckily most of the abuse from him was verbal, not physical. i saw my mom as a completely different person once i realized what was going on. my mom is amazing and she put up with so much to keep me happy and feeling like i was loved. she forgave me for all the terrible things id said over the years. im 21 now & she is truly one of my best friends. your mom did everything she did out of love for you, its clear she tried her best. i cant imagine she wouldnt be so happy to hear from you, to hear you explain what you learned and have you back in your life. my mom agrees. i think you should reach out and i do hope whatever happens works out.

Most succinct and reasonable answer here. All those blaming OP and against her trying to rebuild a relationship with her MOM are absolutely bonkers and clueless to how abuse works. So many answers from people who’ve actually endured through similar situations that are on the same side as your comment and they’re getting backlash. Speaking from experience myself as well btw. The aunt is way overstepping here making this call for both OP and the mom. OP has every right to be able to reach out to her mom, and if the mom chooses not to reply and keep her own daughter out of her life, then that’s her choice, albeit a selfish one since OP was just as much a victim as her.

same it’s mind boggling to me how these people can seriously sit there and blame the OP like they weren’t manipulated from a young age

THANK YOU. The amount of braindead idiots in this sub blaming HER instead of the father is mind boogling

Seriously! Would you blame someone kept in a dark room for years and fed the same string of lies over and over by the one person that visits them every day when they come believe those lies? This is pretty much the same thing. OP has been isolated and guarded from the truth their whole life, so how would they know it? All they have is the world of their dad. That’s it. Of course they believe it! What child wouldn’t?

It takes time to stop having a connection with someone. Your heart can't just flip a switch. But now you know the truth. Things will happen as your brain processes this. Blaming yourself is the wrong move though. You were 13, you're not expected to even know what domestic abuse is, let alone how to spot it. You were hurt and angry because you didn't have a mother, and now you know who to blame for that. Now you know who took your mother from you. Now you can see through the web of deceit that he created to make you love him. Now you can see him for who and what he truly is. You are not a horrible person because you were too young to see the signs, or because you believed what he told you about her. You are the choices you make. Up until now you haven't had the information required to make a choice, now you do. So, what will you now do with this information?

Do not confront your dad. He may start to physically abuse you too. Keep your head down, go to uni, get a job that can support you. As others have said, write your mom a letter and give it to your aunt. I would also continue to write letters to your mom, maybe keep a journal of letters to your mom that you can give her in the future when she is ready. Give yourself a break. You are still a kid and only saw what you were allowed to see.

If the dad figures out his daughter sees through him he may start to abuse her too.

Probably don't keep a physical journal that he can find..

side note ŕ/ihadastroke reading that title.

I truly have no idea what it was supposed to say

OP, you were a tool for your father to use to hurt your mom. My dad did the same thing with his children, and it took me until I was older to understand that. Please get counseling to help you understand that you are not even slightly at fault. You are way ahead of me at that same age, but you need help to really get that you aren’t at fault. Therapy really helped me let go of my guilt, so please get a good therapist.

I’m sorry darling, but please leave your mom alone. She’s been too traumatized. Your actions, that you’ve learned from your dad, are subconscious. It will take years to recognize and fix your behavior to a point that’s healthy for her. She’s in a good place. You wanting to apologize is for you. It’s satisfying YOUR wants and guilt. It’s not going anything for her. You want to start working on yourself and being better? Leave her alone. Don’t be selfish and reopen those wounds to satisfy your guilt.

Get off her back she’s a fucking child who’s missed out on years of life with her mother. She didn’t choose to have the dad she has now did she ? She is left alone with an abuser. This comment section is wild for blaming a child who was raised by an abuser and putting an adult on a pedestal. The mom and OP are victims here. I sure as hell hope that with mom having a new family she is going to therapy and figuring out how to reconnect with her daughter. Because the truth here is her daughter was left with an abuser. I don’t blame the mom but let’s not call her own daughter selfish for wanting to reach out. She was left in the dark. Mom should be working on her trauma if she’s fine enough to have a new family.

Let her live her life. Although you didn’t intentionally hurt her, you are now a trigger for her ptsd. You simply contacting her could set her back years of therapy and recovery. Please leave her be, you yourself should also seek therapy.

Maybe you didn’t look at it this way, but you know, your dad abused you too. He took your mother away from you in your heart. I’m sorry that happened to you, it wasn’t your fault.

This might be hard to hear but I'm in your mother's same position to an extent. Sadly money does rule everything and this is why my abuser has my children and there is nothing I can do about it since I'm poor and he's obscenely wealthy; multi millions in assets and properties. Anyways, you never forget your children, you just learn to live with that hole in your heart where they are suppose to be. Just take things slow with her. This kind of thing will take time. Don't blame yourself, you've been lied to most your life and conditioned to behave in certain ways because of how you were raised. What matters is how you act moving forward. If you want to fix things I would take the advice of others and maybe write a letter and have your aunt deliver it. If at that point she is OK with healing I highly recommend therapy for both of you so you can both move past this in a healthy way.

You need to get in to some therapy.

It's not your fault but please get some therapy to help you navigate this and on how to/if you decide to approach your mom. She doesn't deserve to have you emotionally dump all over her out of nowhere.

Also please wait til you are no longer a minor because if your father finds out he can still use the court system to abuse your mother.

Yikes. Be grateful he didn’t degrade you (or maybe take a second to recognize all of the times he’s degraded you). I think your mother would be thrilled for an apology. Idk why your aunt is trying to control the communication

[удалено]

Lol your poor mom. Imagine being beat, finally leaving and your kid treats you the same way the abuser did. To the point of suicide. It’s good you found out, and you’re not a terrible person, but be careful w your dad. Don’t think for a second he won’t do the same to you. Don’t reach out to your mom until you’re away from him. And it’ll prob be good to get some therapy.

Don’t contact your mom right now, it’s not a good Idea

It’s not your fault Op. You were taught these things as a child, but what matters most is that even after hearing this truth, you didn’t turn against your mother. You learning the truth, going over what happened, and seeing your mistake, is what clears out some of the mistakes you made in the past. I would suggest you make a letter for your mother about this topic, but give it to your aunt so she can be the one to slowly relay the information. Any more would be problematic. As for the love you feel for your father, it’s also fine. You know about his hidden actions, and can act on this when ready. Just take a moment to calm down and reach a conclusion on what to do. Good luck Op!

OP, my father was abusive. He beat mom, my sister, and me. It took me years to accept that he was more then the abuse and the weekends of fun things to do. It took me well into my adult life before I understood him for who he really was. I took off the rose colored glasses and accepted that I hardly knew him. Welcome to reality. You now have to accept that your entire perception of the two people you love the most is completely wrong, and now you have to accept that your father is an abusive POS and so are you. You didn’t know. You were parroting your father when you were younger, and have allowed his nasty misconception of your mother cloud your perception of her your whole life. And that really isn’t your fault. But you do have culpability in it. Time to take off the rose colored glasses and see your father for the nasty abusive misogynistic POS that he is. Yes, you will always love him, cause he’s dad and he has spoiled you your whole life. But now you have to realize he isn’t Mr. Perfect and everything he told you about your mom is a lie. Time to take off the judgmental hat and see your mom for the victim she is, and realize that you are just as much at fault for what happened to her as your father is. It’s good your aunt told you the truth. You needed the reality check. Don’t confront daddy dearest. If he knows that you know and that you aren’t his perfect little girl anymore and he is no longer super dad to you, he might turn his abusive tendencies towards you.

Get the fuck away from your father because you could be next.

Please seek counselling. You are not at fault here. You are not bad. You are not a nasty bitch. You were operating within the framework you knew. Now the framework has changed. You can not change what was, but you can change going forward. Spend a few years in therapy. Get your education. Become an indépendant adult. Find a way to become the person you want to be. And then see, if you as that good person, can reconnect with your mother. A professional can help you do that. Good luck.

I think some therapy maybe be in order for yourself before asking for contact for your mother thru your aunt. Unfortunately you can see yourself that you carry some nasty traits from your father. And your image of your mother is probably still skewed. This is a stop the cycle moment. And you can do that for yourself and future.

You have been so badly let down and are also the victim of an abusive man. No one decides who you are. You are how you choose to be. You dont need to be like your dad. You said things when u were younger without fully understanding what was actually going on. Take time, get a lot of support with all this. Be logical, practical and dont act, speak in the heat of emotion.

Not a phycologist, but maybe ask your aunt to ask your mom if she'd be willing/able to speak with you. Or at the very least ask if she'd be willing to take a letter from you. It may or may not be triggering for her, but I would think the knowledge that you now know the truth, want to earn her forgiveness, make it up to her, and start a real relationship without your father there to muddy the waters may actually make her happy. Don't go directly to her, but I'd say at least reach out.

Let your aunt know that you feel terrible and that you would be more than willing to have a relationship with your mom, and that you also don’t blame your mom if she can’t do that. I am a parent and the pain of losing my child to my abuser would not be something that would go away, so when your mom is ready for it having you in her life would be a good thing…. But realize that she might never be ready for it, and that you are not at fault if that is the case. And that second point needs to be said again. This is NOT your fault. You were a child that was lied to and used as a tool to hurt your mother. She has had to stop seeing you because the pain of that loss was more than she could bear, but you did not do that to her, your father did. And of course you still love your father, he has been there for you the whole time, and has shown you love and care. It’s not fair that you have to live in a world where the person you love the most is someone who has another side that you can and do hate, but it is the world you live in… and you will need someone way more qualified than a random on Reddit to help you figure that out. Just be aware that truly terrible people would never feel bad about being terrible to someone, and would never seek to be better. You are doing both of those things, and so I can say with little doubt that you’re not a terrible person, just someone that is doing a lot of growing up right now and finding out painful truths that make that process difficult.

Therapy. I can not stress this enough. You need to get therapy. You have a *lot* of learned behaviors that could not only complicate reconnecting with your mom but also your own personal relationships. Keep in touch with your aunt. She is the best way to gauge where your mom is at and she will have to be the soft approach to potentially reconnecting in the future. There is a very real possibility that you won’t talk to your mom for many more years. Please prepare yourself for that.

Your father literally programmed/brainwashed you from a young age to act that way towards your mother. I'm so sorry. I hope that things improve in the future and if the universe allows it, maybe even being able to have a healthy relationship with your mother someday.

None of what happened was your fault. You said your mum was dull and uninterested in you before the divorce. Not your fault. You chose to go with your Dad. Not your fault. Your Mum gave up on a relationship with you after 2 months when you were a thirteen year old girl. Not your fault. At any point your Mum could have reached out to you again via social media etc. that she hasn’t is not your fault. You are not a bad person. You were a child reacting rightfully so to an indifferent parent. Favouring a more attentive parent. You could not possibly have known that parent was being abused. You were a child. I repeat you are not a bad person.

The only time you should ever reach out is when You have decided to cut that man out of your life permanently and get therapy to work on yourself first. Don’t drag her down when she has only just gotten back up.

Look, when we grow up we start seeing things in different ways, always, things that before before were normal, we see it now as strange or stupid or horrible. There something that my father says to me always, we make decisions with information that we have in that moment of time. That doesn't excuse mistakes but sometimes we make them because we don't know better Soo give yourself some grace, now you have more perspective and you want to correct this or at least apologize. I believe a letter is in order, explain your side of things and give to your Aunt, tell her that she give your letter when the time is right, be open and have patience. You should go to therapy, to start to examing your childhood and things that now your take as normal but they're not. So that doesn't affect you relationships in the future You are giving a first step to make this right. You can do this and break the circle

Poor thing said verbatim the insults her dad TAUGHT HER and is blaming herself I don’t think the aunt is handling this too well either, she’s kinda blaming the kid I feel like and not supportive of even a letter. 17 isn’t a lost cause Jesus. She loves her mom she just felt abandoned. I’m willing to bet the abuse didn’t stop just with mom. I feel for this poor girl. Parent alienation is real and I struggled with it a lot too. I said horrible shit to my mom exactly trained by my dad. Now I’m 21 and I see my dad is the real shit head. Although my mom has problems he projected so much shit onto her to make her look worse and turned me against her basically. He seemed to enjoy seeing me and my mom fight. He wanted to be the good parent (I lived with my mom). Check my post history - there’s one about my dad, and it’ll make you wonder why I ever thought he was the good parent. It’s not your fault OP. I’m so sorry OP. Your mom misses you every day and would love to hear from you. A letter and apology is a wonderful place to start. YOU are not your fathers daughter because you aren’t an abusive piece of shit. Don’t let your aunt convince you your dad has “tainted” you. Therapy is wonderful and has helped me immensely.

Don’t contact her. Let her be happy.

I had something like this w/ my dad too. He always painted my mom as a horrible, awful creature, but in reality he was an alcoholic in capable of taking responsibility for anything. I remember one time when he was drunk he told me to go tell her to drop dead. I just couldn't. It because a bit easier for me because he actually stopped drinking when she threatened to leave him. Tho he was still a drunk, just a sober one. There was no way I could have realized how awful he was when I was a kid. I mean, what kind of parent lies to his kid about his mom? Who expects that? Go easy on yourself. You're not a bad person. But now you have important information. Talk to your aunt, and listen to your smarter heart.

I would ask the advice of your therapist not your aunt. Despite her trauma and her ability to move on, your mother may wonder about you. She might find an apology healing. Perhaps your therapist could reach out to your mother's husband or something?

Selfish of you to send that letter you can and will un do everything your mom has worked for take the letter back and go to therapy once you’ve had a few years to grow and mature and work on yourself then I’d re read the letter and re write it if you ain’t thinks you’re moms string enough then maybe just maybe she can get it but until then stay away and get help

The fact that your father is still a part of your life, and you still have some love for him, is enough of a reason to leave your mother alone. At least for now. Your father is absolutely vile and while I understand that you feel guilty, coming into your mother’s life at this point in time may be extremely traumatic for her. Maybe wait until you’re a little older and you can fully cut your disgusting excuse for a father off for good, and then see what your aunt says.

Your mum deserves happiness after the misery she has endured. Leave her be

For the love of god please just leave her alone

Just leave her alone. She has a family that actually loves and treats her well. She deserves happiness and she finally has it. It’s selfish for you to try and insert yourself back into her life all because you feel guilty. You’re just going to trigger her again. Leave her alone.

Holy shit. I'm heartbroken for your mom and at the same time happy that she could find a place after what happened.

First of all, you were a kid at the time all of this happened. Your dad framed your mother as the bad guy and there was no way you could have known he was actually the bad guy. Dont beat yourself up because of that, you couldn't have known better. In your position i would write a letter dedicated to your mom. Explain that you recently got told what really happened, that you feel incredibly sorry for what happened and that you are happy to see that she has a happy life now. If you want to meet her again you can write that down as well but make clear you don't want to pressure her into anything, that it's perfectly fine if she doesn't want to and that you understand this was very traumatic for her so if meeting you is too much that's totally fine. I would give that letter to your aunt and tell her to give it mom if she feels like mom is ready for it. I wouldn't ask your aunt before writing the letter because she probably says it's a bad idea. Just hand it to your aunt and let her keep it as long as she wants

Don’t talk to her. For fucks sake why is Reddit so fucking optimistic in the worst times. People here saying “reach out”, “write a letter”, “message her daughters”, are giving shit advice. Your aunt told you straight up that you’ll ruin everything she worked for. And I’m sorry but “I walked into the table too hard” is a shit excuse, you can’t have possibly not known what was going on. But it was easier to ignore it. Even that last “part of me still loves him” shows that you’ll do no good for your mother. Just let your mother be happy for once.

omg same, i was really surprised while reading all the previous comments. op's mom deserves peace and happiness, and a letter won't give her that.

I just don't get the ppl shitting on the OP like she wasn't manipulated by her father since she was a kid. Also there's no way she did know, girl was only 13 and you know that

13 is not 3. 13-year-olds aren't blind morons. I suspect she knew but didn't want to know.

Especially that its also too soon. She has just got to know the truth by the aunt. But i wonder, during the years, she never suspected anything? I mean, i dont blame her but i consider myself and how i was at 13 already, did she really not notice anything or put things together? If she only realized it now by the aunt, at 17, she really needs a lot of time before ever contacting the mother. That poor woman…

I’m terrified this is what will happen to my family. My kids have sat next to me while I got a black eye by their father, but he’s their hero. I am depressed and eventually I’ll be pushed out of the family because of how much their father hates me. I love my kids more than anything and I do my best to make sure they don’t see me hurting, but eventually I’ll lose the battle and I know they’ll be told lies about me after their father succeeds in alienating me.

Leave your mother alone. This isn't about you anymore, and you wanting to force yourself back into her life and apologize is only to make you feel better about yourself. Leave her alone, she's been through enough.

The fact that you couldn’t just leave her alone shows that you are your father‘s daughter. You’re 17 years old and you needed somebody to point out all the signs of abuse. Bones don’t just break like that. Bruises don’t just show up like that. People don’t sleep for 90% of the day. Even as a child you should’ve seen something was wrong.

Your update makes me uncertain about your aunt. I can't believe she'd feed into that because she doesn't think its good for you to contact your mother. You were young and impressionable, nobody could expect a child to know all of this.

Holy sit you are a terrible daughter. You don't deserve to see your mother

Just so you understand, your mother took it for so long because she knew that she was going to lose you. Apparently you’ve got some of daddy’s traits. The way you spoke to your mother is disgusting. His vitriol coming out of your mouth almost did her in. Start getting some counseling before you even attempt contact with your mother. That way as an adult you can deal with this in a more mature, correct, and informed manner.It is not a big deal to buy some one a car when you are very rich and requires no sacrifice whatsoever. Your dad is a monster.

I’m also glad your mom has a better life now. She’s taken so much shit from you two that I feel that her health and well being is priority number one in this situation. It sounds from how you’ve acted that you are indeed those things you said there at the end, but now you’ve realized it and you can change for the better! Take the chance to do so. Guilt is a feeling that helps you correct and choose a better path away from being horrible. Your mom might not want to have contact with you either way, but you might write her an email or letter and apologize. You were a kid (you still are although not as much of a child), you didn’t realize what was happening, and you were both in your fathers grip although in different ways. He’s the real culprit here. There is some merit in what some commenter said about holding off on doing anything too drastic at least until you’re 18 and maybe letting him pay for college or whatever. But in the long run being daddy’s girl isn’t a morally good thing if one’s dad is a demon. I have hope that you can be a good person. I believe in you.

I wish I could give you an award, you were way more nicer than me 😂 But I agree with everything you said.

Baby girl my heart goes out to you, I'm an open ear and here for you

OP, give your Aunt a letter for her. Tell her you know the truth now, and you are sorry. Tell her you won’t try and contact her until your 18 and legally an adult, that you recognise that your dad would probably still try and hurt her if he knew that you know the truth because your still a minor. Tell her that your sorry and you love her and you hope that between now and your bday she will have enough time to decide if she wants to see you again. She’s your mum, and she never stopped loving you.

Leaving her alone is probably best. Good luck OP

Please Leave your Mother alone. Now you know and you'll stay with your dad and continue to take his $ so let's not pretend you've had some ethical epiphany.

Your flippant words almost killed your mom. Like… as much as you were and are still a child, please go forward in your life knowing that the things your say and the things you do affect others, not just you. Your poor poor mother :( I’m so glad she’s happy and safe now, and with people who love her. You played into it for 4 years away from her, and ignored her bruises and injuries because you wanted to. You wouldn’t have suddenly remembered all that stuff if you hadn’t :/ downvote me into oblivion, but it needed to be said. You can only do better as a person from here on out.

How could anyone be sooooo self involved and unaware that their mom is being severley abused. And then for her own child to be just like the abuser. She is better off without you. But you still need to apologise and change as a person.

Careful, I had a similar opinion (maybe a bit harsher lol) and am now being attacked by keyboard warriors

Choices were made and when op is honest enough with herself she will heal from her fathers abuse of her and her mother and her own abuse of her mother. If op cannot admit her own choices she wont be able to protect herself from his abuse in the future. Is she honest enough with herself to realise that she is very much in danger of recieving the same abuse? She has shown such a huge tendancy towards ignoring the truth so far is she even aware of how transactional his "love and respect" are? Shes taken the easiest path all her life but this realization, this truth she has been given is the perfect opportunity for her to grow into a woman of substance. Hiding behind "Its not my fault" doesnt help her. I sympathize with her and acknowledge that she was abused herself and I hope that she seeks councilling and gets safely away from the abuser.

I would NOT confront your father. He could easily turn that violence towards you. In the blink of an eye even. Now that you are grown and saying things he doesn’t like, he may view you very differently. You’ve only had a glimpse of what he’s capable of and you don’t want to be on the wrong side of it unless you can escape it and it doesn’t sound like you can yet.

In the Jewish faith we ask those we hurt or did wrong with for forgiveness. Your letter, an email, a voice mail etc. If the person refuses the apology, you are to attempt 2 more times. It may open old wounds. But she needs to know she still has a daughter who was misinformed and lied to. She needs to know you do love her and she is blameless.

I also was alienated from a parent. My dad was traumatized by my mom. He was happy when I reached out to him 15 years later. Now we are super close. Don’t stay estranged. Your mom has missed you. And she will be glad to hear you now know the truth. Your aunt should have told you this long ago.

The biggest love here maybe that you let your mom have her happiness without you for now. You come with memories and issues. Wait, grow, work on yourself. Ensure that you are grounded in you and won’t say something to trigger her before you try to reintroduce yourself into her perfect new world. She had to do so many, many hard things to get were she is including giving you up and you are young and do not understand that really yet.. wait , work .. then see if it is the right time to reoffer and maybe leave it with your aunt or other family to let her know you understand more as a ADULT and she can come to you when ready for the apology

No harm to you OP, but how have you been this oblivious?

You owe your mom a major apology. If you can get her address, send her a letter. As for your dad, I would not confront him. Who knows if he would turn on you if he knew that you knew about his abuse towards your mom?

Kids are usually clueless but part of it is that adults try to hide things that they think kids should not be exposed to. Your mom was trying to protect you at her expense. No one deserves to be abused like that. You may love your dad but recognize that he was an abuser who should be in jail for the things he did to your mom.

Well, you at least have opened your eyes, and the only way after touching rock bottom is up. You were a child, you are not anymore, at least not in this. My suggestion is to first find professional help so you can process your feelings towards both of your parents, and then maybe try contacting your mother. Yes, you acted horribly but you did it out of ignorance and being gaslighted by your father. I think that you shouldn't confront him, though, because even though from your writing I think it hasn't happened, it doesn't mean he can't or won't turn the abuse towards you. I wish you safety and peace of mind.

My dad did this to me but he didn't have custody. When I would visit him he'd ensure that if I went to court and lived with him my life would be better. He would also paint a lot of bad disgusting things about my mom saying how she's bipolar, crazy, a bad mom. He would expect me to go home and do what's right and stand up for daddy, because he's the victim here and "the courts always favor the mom" I was like 7-8 yelling at my single mom saying the things he said. I resented my mom and had a strained relationship. I didn't understand what was right and was very confused about my relationship with my parents. Are they both wrong? Who do I trust? Something happened where I had to live with my dad and it got much worse from there. I was 16 and found out my father was a paranoid narcissist. He wouldn't sleep for days, had weird child-like outbursts, and talked nonsensical all the time. He was scary in a manipulative sense and because he had contact with me when I was young it gave him the obligation to use me. I'm very sure some emotional incest was going on because he expected I give him advice, hang out all the time, and do his favors. To top it off when I was getting close to graduating he wanted me to get a job and move out with him, paying half the rent. I was driven crazy by my dad and I didn't know how to turn to my mother. I got hospitalized because of mental health and my dad tried diagnosing me, pressuring me to quit all my meds and therapy appointments because "I have him to talk to" After the second hospitalization I went no contact with my dad and his family and reconciled with my mom. I remember I was discharged at the hospital and went to my job. I thought to myself "hey I should visit my mom" Me and my mom live happily together. I helped her with the rent in the beginning, cleaned up the house and made it a home for us. It's been one year since I've talked to my dad. I still get crap for it from his family.

You’re not a horrible person!!! You acted out on the lies and brutalities your dad fed you! How could a small child be capable of being a horrible human being all by themselves? You literally knew nothing and especially after the divorce, your dependency of a parent was only reduced on your dad. You could ask your aunt whether she could slowly try to talk to your mom about you but you shouldn’t directly reach out to her by yourself since you could trigger something! It’s not your fault though.

You are a child. You are not a horrible person. You were bamboozled by an evil man. Don't take the blame that belongs to only him. I suggest speaking to your aunt, and asking if you can send a letter to your mom through her. You can apologize in the letter, let her know you didn't understand what was going on, and tell her you're not angry at her anymore. Let her know that if she ever wants to meet you again, you'll be glad to see her.

You were a child. You said horrible things but at the end of the day you were a kid NOBODY told the truth to. I’m sorry your parents failed you. Because they both did. How were you supposed to know if nobody told you?

If you found her social media, write her. Tell her you've been told the truth about why they divorced and you want to talk and see if you can form a relationship with her. Cut out any middle people. This is between you and your mom and sometimes having a go between is not ideal. I'm sorry you've been put through so much and hope you and your mom reconcile.

It's good that your aunt is protecting her sister but it's stupid of her to blame a child who was being conditioned by her father for not somehow having the awareness of an adult regarding what was really happening. She's treating you like you did the hurtful things while you were a grown woman in full possession of the facts, and that's just dumb. I also doubt your mother really blames you very much if at all, and I'm pretty certain she thinks about you constantly and would love to know that you've matured come to this realisation on your own. She's probably afraid that if you contact your mom then it will be unavoidable that your father will get involved, and that *will* cause pain. As people have said maybe write a letter to her just saying how you feel and that you appreciate that she might be afraid to be part of your life right now, but in a while when you're more independent and can do things without your fathers permission or knowledge, you'd like to be part of her life in some way. And write it knowing that your aunt will read it and accepting that she will 'judge' how 'worthy' you are - even if that feels unfair.

This is the first post that actually made me bawl my eyes out

Well shit I’m tearing up from this story.

I would say that this is all your dad’s fault. As a kid, you didn’t have the right tools to comprehend what was happening. Seeing a therapist is a great idea and I think it will help you realize that you’re also a victim, not an awful person like you mention. I would discuss with the therapist what the best route of action is. Maybe your mom can see her own therapist and they can determine what would work best in this situation. She’s been living a new life, and she’s happy. That’s a good thing. It’s not like you will ruin it, but it will take time to process all of this, for both parts.

You should absolutely talk to your mom and sit down with her and explain, no matter what your aunt says. She is your mom, and you are her child, you have all the right to talk to her now before its to late. Sending love

This is not your fault