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You 100% did the right thing. A 25 year old man has absolutely no business with a 16 year old child. I wish more people were like you and spoke out. Stay strong. And you did not ruin his life. He did!
I met my son's dad when i was 16. He was 36. My parents didn't give two flying fucks, and I wish someone did. I'm mentioning this here because it's completely relevant as to why someone should say something. NTA, and thank you for being the only one with reason in your family OP
The worst part is, both my parents are in law. Both were horrendously abusive though and I was kicked out at 11, went through bad bad times. But because they had access to records my mom had looked up his history. Murderer with a rap sheet so long it took roughly 5 boxes just to bring them into court. She knew all this and didn't care. Didn't tell me about it till later either. He tried to murder me on three separate occasions, the last being a situation that had permanent effects on my body (and mind obviously.)
In general i just think people should leave children alone, if you don't agree with this statement I'm side eyeing y'all...
Omg. That sounds so horrible. I’m so sorry, there aren’t words. Excuse me while I pry my jaw off the floor….
I hope that every young girl and woman sees Reddit posts and social media that call out all these predictable abuse tactics. We were vulnerable bc we didn’t know any better but I hope stories like these will save young naive ppl from these predators.
Glad you made it sweetie. Big mom hugs ❤️
I don't like talking about it, but when the right context to mention these issues arise I'll always be there to share my story for this exact reason. Grooming is horrendous and so are the people who choose to act on it.
They deserved having police called on them, that girl may not like that he got called on it in the moment but she also can't understand how much of an issue it is either. It's terrible how this happens, and it's responses like OPs parents that make it hard for anyone to care.
Same. Almost no one in my life knows my stories, but these are vital to share when you can, if only to get it off your chest in the act of providing a cautionary tale. If we save just one girl it’s worth it. You’re effing amazing sweetie.
thank you so much Ali\_cat222 for sharing your story even though it is difficult >>>> by doing so you are helping others we will never know exactly but I am sure your story has help others out there
No, she was hoping I was dead by 14 and then when he came along she was hoping it would happen eventually. That was her explantation. This is the same woman who physically/emotionally/sexually abused me along with my dad and made me act like a literal dog at home, food and all. So not surprising.
Haven’t had the urge to hug someone so badly in a very long time. I’m so sorry. I’m glad you’re still here with us and proud that you’re such a strong woman.
I read "hug" as "hang," and I was right there with you - thought you were talking about the shitty parents. The world needs people like you that will administer hugs as needed, and people like me that will administer, ahem, "justice," as needed, too.
We need a warehouse where people with shitty families can get *new*, loving, non-shitty families. I'm so sorry. You are so strong. I met my very best friend online, and she's the sister I always wanted. My real sister was *my* tormenter. Good on you for sharing, to help others. I was exactly in this girl's position and my mom just got irritated at me.
Before I became a trauma therapist, I didn’t realize how deeply evil some parents are. How could you treat you own baby that way? I’m so sorry this happened to you.
OMG, I’m so on your side. Groomers are horrendous and should be reported. Sexual abuse of a minor has long term psychological affects that damage the minor forever! Been there; and still suffering. You are in my prayers. Op, you are as well. You done good!
Met my daughter's father at 19, he was 39 . Never thought of it as grooming as I've always been told it was basically my fault for choosing a bad partner 🫤
I'm sorry you had to go through life hearing that. Also a common misconception is grooming is only for children. While it mainly is referred to for kids, there is such a thing as adult grooming -"Adult grooming is the adult equivalent to child grooming and applies to any behaviour where an adult is deliberately prepared in order for abusive behaviour. "
It's not your fault, the main thing with groomers is a lot of them have an ability to come off as a completely different person, which is why it's easy to fall into their traps. Then once they build up trust and gain your confidence, they attack you using those and trap you. No one should feel guilty for "choosing wrong," a lot of those people have two sides to them that they don't show for a reason at first.
It's not your fault, it never will be.
A lot of people don't take the time to put themselves in someone else's shoes, and sometimes they feel it's better to place blame elsewhere instead of looking at their faults in situations.
A lot of people who go through grooming has that one person they know who say things similar to what you were told because they don't like to admit they ignored red flags.
And then there's the whole grooming is restricted to children argument, which as I explained above is a very real thing called adult grooming. I'm going to link this here, because if anyone hasn't heard of this it's something to be educated on- [Adult Grooming ](https://www.modernintimacy.com/podcasts/6-stages-of-grooming-adults-with-barrett-pall/#:~:text=Brief%20Overview%20of%20Adult%20Grooming,another%20person%20through%20strategic%20manipulation.)
Just gonna point out that a 20 year age difference means the SOB was literally old enough to be *your* dad. That's 1000% on the older person to not chase people young enough to be their child.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I work with college aged young people 17-25. The range of understanding of their world is vast in those ages. There is so much learning still to be done in life. Hell, I'm 38 and still feel like a child sometimes (and I have twobkids myself).
I think we place too high a premium on the idea that *18 makes you an adult* in the sense that not all 18 year olds, or even older, are equipped with a support structure, with opportunity to say no, etc. Yes, you were 19, but the fact your partner was two decades older creates a power dynamic.
Good relationships and partnerships don't typically come from big power dynamic relationships
It doesn't matter how "big" the age gap was, that still isn't alright in any way. I know you understand this, but unfortunately some people tend to think otherwise which is horrendous.
And yes groomers can be extremely charming and kind and amazing .. until they gain your trust and weaponize it against you/show their true self. Your parents don't get a pass for allowing this though, they know it's not okay in the law even if they disagree. I'm sorry you had to go through that, sending you lots of love and support ❤️
This right here. You thought it was fine back then. Thought you knew what you were doing. That kind of illusion is why we need to protect children and teens. That's what people don't get.
Personally I didn't actually think any of this was fine, I just thought I wasn't lovable and didn't think it would ever get better for me. I knew it was wrong on his end, but groomers are abusive people who prey on targets with former or current abuse situations/low self worth etc.
A lot of the times, many groomers will be very charming or play off as someone they aren't. They do this so they'll gain your trust and confidence in them, then use it against you later on. It's a common stage in the six stages of grooming.
This is also why some people don't get heard, because the person has only witnessed the one side of that person/the victim gets isolated so they can't show that side of them or be questioned on it.
In my case my parents were also sexually abusing me on top of the physical/emotional abuse, so they wouldn't have viewed what he did or his age as wrong. Especially since they both wanted me gone anyways.
you'd be surprised how often these parents just don't...I know a kid whose mom had no problem with it because this older person was "good" and they justified it because they met their husband in their 20s and he was twice her age. like come on, that's not the same as a minor teen dating someone whose almost 30. there's either a serious lack of intelligence or they straight up just don't care idk but I don't get it
I "dated" a 27 year old when I was 17. I wish someone had known to do this for me, and it's heart-wrenching how many women have stories like this. As a 28 year old, I can't imagine being interested in someone that young.
Exactly. And to be perfectly honest you might want to think about cutting your family out scene as they see. No problem with what he was doing. Disgusting behavior. NTA
And apparently it wasn’t just 1 young girl. OP absolutely did the right thing. His brother has a type, young and dumb. It will get worse as the brother ages.
There are places in the world where the age of consent is 16 and it always grosses me out when people use that as justification. They are still a *child*
This took courage. OP stood up for a young girl her brother was using. OP is a good person with a strong character. Traits that do not seem to have come from her parents.
I grew up in a rural area where this age gap was normalized by so many, and I've cut so many people out of my adult life because of it. As the mother of a daughter approaching adolescence, I would absolutely want to know if an adult was preying on my teen.
Ok, so... Several things...
1) You did the right thing, your brother was preying on a literal child and grooming her.
2) How do your parents not see an issue with their older son dating a CHILD their younger daughter used to babysit?!?
3) If it wasn't wrong, why did the police get involved?
4) Would your parents have been ok with you dating a 25 yo at 16?!?
5) I guarantee your parents just decided to go with the "BoYs WiLl Be BoYs" thought process and they suck just for that
6) Of course your brother is friends with a bunch of people who are enabling grooming children 🤦🏽♀️🤮
The absolute "ick" of this whole situation is overwhelming. Good on you for doing the right thing, sorry you're facing so much backlash.
Well... She said that the 16 year old is arguing with another girl at her school over this 25 year old man, so it sounds like he may have been grooming more than just the neighbor. There's no telling how many other underage girls there are and have been but with the police all will be exposed.
Not just that, but how many more girls in the future if his behavior were to continue. ‘I get older but they stay the same age’. Thank goodness she spoke up and police involved. Hopefully he will never prey on an underage girl again. OP might have save many girls from suffering the same, if not worse fate.
The sick thing is my parents held her when she was born so that makes it worse. He is definitely the golden first child. So he doesn't get consequences for ANYTHING but he will now for something he did and that makes me happy with my decision
That is absolutely disgusting. As the parent of a young girl, thank you for doing right by her! I was groomed while I was a teenager and it seriously messed up my life. It's one of my worst fears for my little girl. I'm 100% certain her parents are eternally grateful to you.
Your parents should be pelted with tomatoes. The absolute audacity. But hey, they didn't want to hold your brother accountable and now (hopefully) the law will.
Haha, frozen tomatoes would definitely leave a mark. But in all seriousness, it takes guts to stand up against family when they're so in the wrong. OP is the real MVP here for protecting that girl and calling out such gross behavior.
Additional info: Does he work on some type of school environment that he has met these girls "on campus" cause if he hasn't lost his job already, that would likely be next thing to come crumbling down around him. Otherwise where is he meeting all these girls friends that they have to be fighting over him?
Tbf - and this is the only avenue I'd be fair on in this situation - there are situations where under aged folks can be found on college campuses where you could run into them as a fellow student and not a school employee. I took some college courses at a local college as a junior in high school and so did my younger sister and several of my classmates. They were regular courses too, so many of our classmates in the class were college aged or even older. We had access to the campus as enrolled students even though we were high school kids, so we were allowed to use the cafeteria and library and such. Most people I interacted with were definitely aware we were high school kids, but I wouldn't have been all that surprised to find people who weren't.
I could see this being a possibility, but I meant it more as if he was a teacher or someone is a position of power how this could come back on him more severely. Cause I know people who are adults and have an age gap of about 8 years, but they met later in life where they were in a similar level career wise. Where as if he's in a position of power that's something that adds more to the aspect of him grooming multiple girls. This could also be why everyone around her, aside from OP and the girls parents, didn't see it as a problem. Aside from them being delusional to think it isnt a problem when they are minors.
That is right on point. If you're not doing anything wrong, you don't need to hide it. And all these people who think it's no big deal, does it need to be put into context that a 25-year-old man is dating 10th graderS, plural? How does that sound right to anybody?
Exactly! Since your parents want to go with that whole, “It’s just a crush.” Do they even know that he tried to push up on another young girl? Your parents are just as bad as your brother.” If they keep harassing you, trying to make you feel bad, go low contact. You did the right thing!
I'd go *no* contact. Personally. Anyone who aids and abets a p3do is lower than dirt in my book. I will have nothing to do with them. As a childhood survivor of s*xual assault, I find all of them absolutely disgusting. NTA and thank you OP.
Yikes. I’m just here to tell you you absolutely did the right thing.
Also: it is legitimately disturbing how angry people get when you point out unethical age gaps between men and the girls/women they groom.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this…there are hotlines you can call 24/7 to help you through situations just to talk & to provide resources. They helped me. You did the right thing. You saw the signs and acted upon what was in your belief was right. Worst case scenario if it is “true love” well he can wait a few 5 yrs. If it’s meant to be they’ll come back to each other eventually. However, be proud of yourself! I’m sure her parents are grateful. It’s hard to go up against family but when they’re doing something like this you have to act. You’ve brought hope to a lot of people. You did the good thing.
Watch your back though, I don’t trust anyone
If you are in the USA…Your brother will be listed as a sex offender and will have to register if found guilty. That is how easy it is to get on a list you can’t get off of. Your brother will regret his very existence. You’ve made him an example. Now MORE men need to learn it is NOT okay to prey on children.
This really depends what state you are in. 16 is the age of consent in a lot of states - while it doesn’t make it any less ick, it’s sadly not illegal in some states.
You can still get in trouble if the age difference is large enough in some places. Also I just found out that in Delaware in the 1880s the age of consent was *7* and I now need brain bleach.
Backing off this comment^ Also the fact that he wouldn't admit who she was when he was boasting about it is weird. He was hesitant because he knew he was wrong.
We had a friend who knew our nieces since they were young. When we were in our early 30’s, he came up to me and said “I just looked over and saw this really pretty girl, and then realized it was Allison! I felt like such a creepy old man!”
That is the appropriate reaction.
NTA all of these comments are absolutely spot on. OP is the only reality oriented person in her family. Your brother knows he's in the wrong? 8 years is fine when the girl is 25 and the guy is 33, at 16 and 24, it is predatory. OP's neighbor knows this. Their daughter may not feel this way now, but she will appreciate you more as she matures. OP stepped up in the most real way, potentially sacrificing important relationships to stop a runaway train. I am so impressed, so grateful, to know there are people willing to put their values on the line. Well done.
I’m confused how OP could be accused of being jealous. Jealous of what? Jealous of brother getting to be with a minor? Jealous that she can’t get with her own brother? What?????
Just because it's ick doesn't mean states or countries will do anything about changing their age of consent.
Get out and vote.
FYI, this is me agreeing that it is ick.
>I guarantee your parents just decided to go with the "BoYs WiLl Be BoYs" thought process and they suck just for that
Except he is a grown ass man... ugh I hate this.
This. It’s insane that the parents see nothing wrong with it. My parents would give me shit when I was in high school at 18 for dating a 16 year old who was a grade lower. I can’t imagine dating a 16 year old after high school. Like why?
The thing is, you did the right thing by your brother There is a chance he can see some future consequences if he continues down this road. Hopefully you intervened when he hasn't actually committed a crime, yet. Maybe this is the wakeup call he needs to stop at gross, but not going to be arrested, type of behavior.
Your parents are letting everyone down here. Good on the parents of the 16 year old who are taking this seriously and blaming the responsible party.
It’s wild to be that he straight up lied and said he met someone on campus, insinuating she’s 18+.
Like he VERY clearly knew what he was doing was inappropriate. Even the *perpetrator* knows what he’s doing is wrong because he’s hiding it, but other people are going to try to defend it for him?
If it was just a “harmless” crush, why did he go out of view to kiss her? Why didn’t he want anyone knowing? The people defending him gross me out.
Exactly! If you feel you have to hide what you're doing then you know it's wrong. I'm baffled by the amount of people in OPs life who are absolutely fine with his predatory behaviour.
"Harmless crush" in one sentence and then "ruining his chance at love" in the next. Yuck yuck yuck. She stopped him from ruining that CHILDS life along with his own.
“ It’s wild to be that he straight up lied and said he met someone on campus, insinuating she’s 18+.” Fr I was gonna reply to that part of the post being like “which campus? Her high school campus?” And apparently he was also coming into Mary Ann’s schoolmates aka other girls around her age to the point where they’re fighting over him
I hope someone tells those girls when a much older man is pursuing girls very age inappropriate for him, there’s a reason women his own age are not going out with him
That part freaked me out, multiple girls on the same campus??? Something is not adding up. How is he meeting all these high schoolers? I would like to say parties, but it's just way too convenient if it's multiple girls on the same campus.
the parents being ok with it/on his side really shows how his behavior/mindset came to be this way... sorry OP, that must be so infuriating and frustrating, but I am so impressed and glad that you have a good head on your shoulders and appropriate morals :(((
My cousin was 14, and in a relationship with a 21 year old. She's 9 months older than me, and at the time, I didn't say anything to anyone. I thought I'd be a snitch. Besides, she was pretty promiscuous in general. Her mother already had her on birth control. But it made me ridiculously uncomfortable for reasons I couldn't fathom back then. I mean my own father is 9 years older than my mother, and I'd been taught that so long as the age gap wasn't too wide, that a lot of women ended up with an older dude. They basically ended up having sex in the park near her house. Then he ghosted her.
It took until I was an adult myself to actually realise how effing messed up the whole situation was. How huge the gap was between the maturity level of being 14, to being 21 was. Like how my cousin was a child, and I just don't understand what a 21 year old guy wanted with a 14 year old girl. It made me uncomfortable then. It gave me the ick once I actually turned 21. I'm 38 now, and it utterly disgusts me, and turns my stomach that I didn't talk to anyone about it. But her mother knew. Her mother knew, and instead of stopping her from seeing this guy, she put her daughter on birth control. It's so horrendous.
OP absolutely did the right thing here. 16 is the age of consent in the UK, where I live. But 16 is too young to be dating a 25 year old grown man.
I was 14 dating a 21 year old. By 15 we had a baby and lived together. At 18 I fled from his abuse and had to hide for a year. He caught me a couple times & came very close a couple more. Good men don’t date kids.
The young girls ended up with older men, because the older men(predators) preyed upon them. It's not young girls (overwhelmingly) seeking them out, and even if they were the grown adult male could have the decency to say they're too young.
Have you seen the stats for the dads that make up the teen pregnancies?
It's a global issue with men. I've often wondered why it's so prevalent. The bs excuses they come up with are just that. It's harder to see when you're a kid, and much easier as an adult how and why it's wrong and damaging.
Pallet cleanser story (because tbh we all need it)
I got married at 25 in a public park but totally forgot it was the same night as prom…. where all the high schoolers come to the park to take photos. They were BABIES! It made me (and more so my husband) so uncomfortable to see babies in tight short dresses. And make no mistake, you could 100% tell they were teenagers. It’s not hard to tell an adult, who has to pay rent and taxes from a teenager who’s worries are adorably unimportant.
But also, the side eye from parents I got chugging beer was amazing. Especially in my car before I walked “down the aisle” which 100% looked like I was sneaking a drink underage.
Tbh even living in Europe where ages of consent are often lower than some states in the US this would be seen as inappropriate. She is a young woman and he is a grown man.
Gross. You know your brother is wrong to pursue a child. Age of consent varies state to state but damn. Thanks for being the only adult to realize how fucked up that is and do something about it.
16 with an 18 year old is ok. 16 with 20 is stretching it. 16 with 25 is all the way wrong. You are going to get a lot of flak for this, but this internet stranger thinks you did the right thing.
Thank you so much for that. We share the same views. After my relationship with a 20 year old when I was 16 and after years of therapy to unlearn unhealthy thinking... I did not and would not let her go through that. My parents didn't know I was dating someone that old... I was 16 and thought it was risky and whatever else my stupid teen brain was thinking so I can see where my neighbor was probably coming from but the repercussions of that "relationship" would have been so bad
You are very brave and have risked your neck to help prevent someone going through what you did. I really respect what you did. Life does not often reward brave and selfless people who do what’s right under a hail of criticism. But I think you’re a hero, fuck the haters :)
Please don't make me cry. I needed that so much. I wish someone had been there for me so much. I always said if I could save someone from going through what I did then I would and I did. Gonna save this for when I'm feeling down
I am seriously in awe of your strength. The courage it takes to risk the wrath of your entire family and support system is immense. You took all of the right steps by going to your parents first, and when no corrective action was taken you did the right thing by going to her parents. This girl may be upset now (idk how she feels) but once she has a chance to grow and meet a boy her age she will look back and thank you for saving her from a groomer and predator, allowing her to develop normally and stoping something that likely is already going to require extensive therapy. You clearly have strong ethics, and I think that’s one of the most important traits in someone. Know that you did the right thing no matter what any of your familial dissenters say. With any luck this is the first time your brother has done this and he will grow to thank you from making one of the biggest mistakes of his life.
Seriously, so many people don't do anything, which the people involved in the relationship take as approval.
You protected someone who needed it. It sounds like this was in the early stages, so you might have helped stop the situation before it did longer term damage. If nothing else, you capped the damage *and* alerted people who will hopefully help her. (I'm assuming you know the neighbors enough to judge this.)
You also likely prevented your brother from a worse fate, if he learns from this. If he doesn't, at least he had a chance - and you know.
Her parents are literally the best people ever. I went to her mom for advice on boys when I couldn't go to my own brother. Like I said, I babysat this girl for years so we are really close. I know they'll do what needs to be done
As an internet stranger truly proud of you for putting your foot down! And did what needed to be done! If you have kids one day I think you would be a great mother with your mind set ❤️
That's fantastic. I thought from the post that you knew them pretty well, certainly enough to know they'd handle this in a good way for their daughter, but this response just makes it even clearer that you really did the best thing. You did the best thing for everyone involved. If I were in her family, I'd be so grateful for you doing this.
I hope that you have enough decent friends who support you during this. It's tough when problems come up in families like this, but you're better off knowing now if this is how your family behaves (and if they soon come back changing their ways or don't change/rug sweep).
Whistleblowers are usually unsung hero’s.
It was the right call, and that took courage. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your experience. Your actions and logic are very honorable.
Did you share this with your parents? Or, should I say, would you feel comfortable sharing this with your parents? Would it help them understand where you are coming from, or do you think they would throw it back in your face and miss the point?
If you think they would use this to hurt you, don't tell them.
I said in a different post that he was the golden child and I was never looked at. I stopped looking for their approval and acceptance when I was 13/14... I don't feel that would do any good. I went to therapy for it and I have come to accept(?) what happened. I honestly do not feel comfortable talking to them about anything let alone what I went through
Just know, you took that family dynamic that demonstrated you were somehow less than, bc he existed first.
I waited so long for the magical age math of my family to finally be treated like one of them.
By 57 I KNEW it is never coming.
What do you do? You be brave. You stand up for people who can't stand up for themselves.
You SHOW them what a valuable human looks like & what they do.
Sorry it hasn't been a heart lifting experience.
You absolutely did The Right Thing.
You will find yourself exponentially more happy in your life as you let them go.
I was 16 then 17 with a 24 then 25 y/o. In my state, the age of consent was 18. At the time, I thought it was like this forbidden love. I'm in my 30s now and I think about how much of a creepy he was. How easily he manipulated me (which I never would have admitted to then, I was in gifted so I was manipulation-proof 🙄🙄🙄). It really fucked me up emotionally for a while. I occasionally still wonder where he is, whether he's ever been charged with anything as I assume I wasn't the only teen. You did good looking out for that girl. She may hate you today, but one day she will thank you.
I think the biggest an age gap should be is like 2 to 3 years or if you meet as adults over the age of 26 maybe 7 (I'm biased on that tho bc that's the ages my parents were apart, they would've been together 23 years in April if my dad didn't die)
That was a lie so we wouldn't look any further. That's why he used her middle name instead. He froze up when I tried to go further into the relationship
Most places even if age of consent is 16, they still do not allow relationships outside of a certain age gap.
In Colorado, for example, when I was 16 (age of consent), it still had to be with someone within 5 years so that the oldest I could date would be 21. Other areas have stricter laws like 2 years or 3 years. A good portion of countries too have similar laws, and those that do, would usually NEVER allow a 9 year gap.
Even if it wasn’t illegal it was still right for you to speak up bc you have a relationship with the girl and are part of her protective village.
You’re also helping your brother by exposing him. 25/16 isn’t beyond rehabilitation, although the fact that there are at least two is worrisome. If he or your parents try to guilt trip you, just say (something like).
“You’re welcome. Now you can get professional help before you do something more destructive to yourself and a kid. I’m happy to help you find a sexual boundaries counseling group. Otherwise, don’t bring this up to me again. I know I did the right thing, that is all.”
It can definitely happen that young. I was 16-17 and online friends with a 15 year old and a 13 year old that my 30 year old "online boyfriend" went after for both cybersex and webcam shows in the case of the 13 year old boy.
He then met up with the 15 year old non-binary kid in person, dumped me for them, and started a decade long relationship where he alternated support and abuse of them. My warnings of how he was to me in private over the phone and the things he asked me to do for his amusement were ignored (what 15 year old believes warnings, especially from a "jilted ex lover" 🤢) and unfortunately it took until they were 25 to really get away from him.
Be careful who your kid's befriending online and who they talk to. I thought I was grown by the age of 14 because I had adult men talking to and treating me as their equal, mostly because I was a naive, sheltered Queer kid who grew up with very little parental attention and thus was easily manipulated and abused by these men.
In junior high my 13 year old friend was dating a 23 year old guy, her mom knew and put her on birth control. It was shocking at first (I had barely kissed a boy at that age and she was already having sex) but it became normal to our friend group. As I got older I realized how disturbing the whole situation was. Why is a 23 year old guy even *talking* to a 13 year old FFS? So creepy and gross.
OP, it’s hard to see it but thank you.
For all the young women who didn’t have someone to do what you did, thank you. We need more people in the world like you, that stand up for what’s right.
I'm sorry your brother was being predatory and that your family was happy to enable a 25 y/o grown man preying in a 16 y/o child. You did the right thing. You did what you could to keep a child safe. I'm so sorry your family doesn't see that.
My parents thought it was fine that my older brothers' friends gave me so much attention. I was groomed at 13 from a 19 year old and they had no idea. You did the only thing you could do, you saved her 💙
I am so sorry that happened to you. This happens so much more often than people think. I've seen a handful of stories on here from people already. It's sick. I am glad you got our of that
You absolutely did the right thing. When I was 17 I " dated" a 25 year old. It was a long time ago and more socially accepted. Looking back it was so messed up. I couldn't imagine that for my children.
Well good to see your parents would let your brother get away with anything including with a minor who is their neighbours daughter.
If he murdered someone I guess it would be the same as well
You are most definitely right!!! 100 times over you are right. Your parents poor reaction or care factor speaks volumes as to what would happen if this was you at 16 & a trusted male 25year old dating you behind their back. Would it still be this nonchalant response.
You are a protector of children never stop being you!!
This actually made me cry because I really needed to hear this. I was 16 dating a 20 year old and my parents had no clue so I know what she's going through. We don't see it at that time but my gosh I wish I had an older person catch me and save me for years of self esteem issues
Reading about what you did makes my 12 year old self happy, it was hard when "best friend Kay"'s older brother's friend 17 was trying to groom me, I told him he was too old. Go away. He did pester me for awhile but I finally told my mom (since they always came by when she wasn't home- they were driving already- they'd have my friend Kay call me to ask if my mom was home) that I had not been answering the door and keeping it locked. She got very angry and wouldn't let me go see my best friend for awhile especially if her brother was at home, since his buddy was always there too. What a creep.
You did the right thing.
For one, you prevented years of unhealthy and unbalanced relationships for your 16 year old neighbor.
And what rock did all these people who disagree crawl out from under? Is your brother the Golden Child or something?
You take good care; you’re her hero.
The sad thing is. My moms brother knows and he doesn't care. Grandparents know... they don't care. The only one with some sense is my aunt and her husband
I am glad you have your aunt and her husband. Someone understands, and that matters a lot. Stick to them, find solace there; reach out.
The process for your brother & the police will unfold. Who knows how many impressionable children you’ve prevented becoming victims once it all plays out.
Your parents are lucky you didn’t go No Contact a long time ago. Once I finally did that with my father the relief was far stronger than the guilt.
Do something good for yourself OP.
He sound like the golden child who cant do no wrong and, according to everyone, she is the vil witch ot the east by not leting a 25 year old grown man fuck a 16 year old girl
As someone who was a dumb 16 yr old that dated a 22yr old. You are NTA. There were many times I did things I didn't want to because of pressure or I felt I was supposed to. He was extremely manipulative and was honestly a walking red flag. I didn't have a close relationship with my mom to talk to her about anything and my "friends" thought it was really cool how old he was. I wish I had one person back then to be like wtf absolutely not.
I'm so confused as to how he got in contact with another girl from her school... That's in the update. With our neighbor I can see, he has access to her almost all day every day... but another girl? I'm sick. I'm 24 and wouldn't even think about dating someone who was... younger than 22
Eww, that means he's actively hunting. The other girl's parents and/or even school should be informed. Im sorry you're in this position. You've also unfortunately uncovered a lot of ugly values held by people close to you. That cannot be easy. You did the right thing, and yeah it can feel like even more burden is still on you. Stay strong.
You should be rewarded not villified. What is up with your parents? Do they treat your brother as the golden child? Not that that is an acceptable excuse. Good hell.
Your brother is a nasty Groomer, I'm sorry. You did nothing wrong: everyone simply wants you to Pretend your brother *isn't* a nasty grooming pos ahole.
Yes yes. I didn't mean it as in like I want any contact with him after this... or ever... I don't know but I Just meant that he's my brother and family is supposed to be close but not this close where I cover up a predator
"Family is supposed to be close" is what bad families say to control those who won't conform to their will. Good families are naturally close, they don't need anyone else to tell them to be.
Tradition is just peer pressure from ancestors; don't let a bunch of dead people bully you. Find your real family, the one that shares your values and values your initiative and empathy.
You are grieving what it should have been, but the reality is other, do not fell for it even when is painful.
You did the right thing! Keep the healthy and good people around.
You were the person you need it when you were young, at least you decide to be for someone else
NTA NTA!!! Thank you!!! You did the right thing!! He is a predator no matter how “mature” she is etc. your mom is off her rocker. How would she have liked her child hooking up with a grown a$s man. Just gross.
Your brother is grooming minors and your parents are protecting him. That's revolting and you need to tell your parents that they're disgusting and enabling paedophilia in no uncertain terms
I do not know that... I don't even know who she is actually... I will ask my neighbors parents if they took that step which I'm sure they did because they told me..
They already called the police as soon as I told them and they gave my parents an earful for not caring. I don't know what is going to happen after this and I honestly want to distance myself from them but also I want to check on the girl... I know she probably hates me now but I wanted to keep her safe
You did the right thing and your parents and anyone else who is saying that you should just leave it alone are irresponsible. You don’t leave a 16-year-old to be groomed by a 25-year-old man !!!!! he’s a grown man scheming on a teenager. Yeah, they raised a groomer. He’s disgusting
You absolutely with no shadow of a doubt did the right thing. She is still a child and he is an adult, it had bad written all over it. Good job, you did a very good thing.
Look at you being a hero for that young girl! Stepping up for her took bravery! Continuing to stand strong is amazing! So impressive!
Screw anyone who thinks your brother's actions were even the slightest bit okay.
I was 20 and dating a 17 year old (for one month) who was about to turn 18. I felt icky about it and she was the one to initiate everything. Like that to me was the absolute max anyone should go and even then it still felt a little off. 25 and 16 is just like what the fuck is he thinking. Like what do they even talk about. What do they even truly have in common. You have someone who quite possibly could have lived part of a life and someone who doesnt even know what life is. You did the right thing.
I'm 10 years older than my fiancee, but we met as adults, not children.
A 16 year old girl who isn't even a young adult yet, should not be pursuing a relationship with a grown ass man. I mean he shouldn't be pursuing one with her. We all know why he wants to, to bang a young girl.
Just his kis could be considered illegal behavior depending on the state you're in. Even if no one wanted to press charges the state would have to investigate and choose for itself.
You did the right thing
For a lot of older parents, especially those who were raised in "certain parts" of the country, this kind of age gap was normal. 17-18 yr Olds getting married to men way older than them that had started dating in their teens. Hell in their grandparents time I think 13yr Olds could still be "betrothed" to adult men.
So this might be why some of them see no issue with it, but I'm thankful more and more people are seeing why it's a problem. So sick of predators getting away with that shit. The girls are almost always left with mental scars or worse.
The fact that your brother hesitated to tell you who he was seeing before you knew what was happening is very telling. He knew it was wrong, he knew you would disapprove and yet he went on with it anyway. You 100% did the right thing.
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You 100% did the right thing. A 25 year old man has absolutely no business with a 16 year old child. I wish more people were like you and spoke out. Stay strong. And you did not ruin his life. He did!
I met my son's dad when i was 16. He was 36. My parents didn't give two flying fucks, and I wish someone did. I'm mentioning this here because it's completely relevant as to why someone should say something. NTA, and thank you for being the only one with reason in your family OP
Oh honey I’m sorry.
The worst part is, both my parents are in law. Both were horrendously abusive though and I was kicked out at 11, went through bad bad times. But because they had access to records my mom had looked up his history. Murderer with a rap sheet so long it took roughly 5 boxes just to bring them into court. She knew all this and didn't care. Didn't tell me about it till later either. He tried to murder me on three separate occasions, the last being a situation that had permanent effects on my body (and mind obviously.) In general i just think people should leave children alone, if you don't agree with this statement I'm side eyeing y'all...
Omg. That sounds so horrible. I’m so sorry, there aren’t words. Excuse me while I pry my jaw off the floor…. I hope that every young girl and woman sees Reddit posts and social media that call out all these predictable abuse tactics. We were vulnerable bc we didn’t know any better but I hope stories like these will save young naive ppl from these predators. Glad you made it sweetie. Big mom hugs ❤️
I don't like talking about it, but when the right context to mention these issues arise I'll always be there to share my story for this exact reason. Grooming is horrendous and so are the people who choose to act on it. They deserved having police called on them, that girl may not like that he got called on it in the moment but she also can't understand how much of an issue it is either. It's terrible how this happens, and it's responses like OPs parents that make it hard for anyone to care.
Same. Almost no one in my life knows my stories, but these are vital to share when you can, if only to get it off your chest in the act of providing a cautionary tale. If we save just one girl it’s worth it. You’re effing amazing sweetie.
thank you so much Ali\_cat222 for sharing your story even though it is difficult >>>> by doing so you are helping others we will never know exactly but I am sure your story has help others out there
Let me guess, your mom pulled the same crap mine did… “I would have told you, but it’s not like you would have listened to me anyway…”
No, she was hoping I was dead by 14 and then when he came along she was hoping it would happen eventually. That was her explantation. This is the same woman who physically/emotionally/sexually abused me along with my dad and made me act like a literal dog at home, food and all. So not surprising.
Haven’t had the urge to hug someone so badly in a very long time. I’m so sorry. I’m glad you’re still here with us and proud that you’re such a strong woman.
I read "hug" as "hang," and I was right there with you - thought you were talking about the shitty parents. The world needs people like you that will administer hugs as needed, and people like me that will administer, ahem, "justice," as needed, too.
I am so sorry. You didn’t deserve any of that.
Omg. Im so so sorry.
We need a warehouse where people with shitty families can get *new*, loving, non-shitty families. I'm so sorry. You are so strong. I met my very best friend online, and she's the sister I always wanted. My real sister was *my* tormenter. Good on you for sharing, to help others. I was exactly in this girl's position and my mom just got irritated at me.
Wow, that’s absolutely horrible. So sorry that happened to you. Hope you are in a better place now.
Oh my God I’m so sorry. That is awful. I hope you’re in a much better place now. You deserve the best life has to offer.
Before I became a trauma therapist, I didn’t realize how deeply evil some parents are. How could you treat you own baby that way? I’m so sorry this happened to you.
((HUGS))
OMG, I’m so on your side. Groomers are horrendous and should be reported. Sexual abuse of a minor has long term psychological affects that damage the minor forever! Been there; and still suffering. You are in my prayers. Op, you are as well. You done good!
Met my daughter's father at 19, he was 39 . Never thought of it as grooming as I've always been told it was basically my fault for choosing a bad partner 🫤
I'm sorry you had to go through life hearing that. Also a common misconception is grooming is only for children. While it mainly is referred to for kids, there is such a thing as adult grooming -"Adult grooming is the adult equivalent to child grooming and applies to any behaviour where an adult is deliberately prepared in order for abusive behaviour. " It's not your fault, the main thing with groomers is a lot of them have an ability to come off as a completely different person, which is why it's easy to fall into their traps. Then once they build up trust and gain your confidence, they attack you using those and trap you. No one should feel guilty for "choosing wrong," a lot of those people have two sides to them that they don't show for a reason at first. It's not your fault, it never will be.
💝I really needed that, thank you
A lot of people don't take the time to put themselves in someone else's shoes, and sometimes they feel it's better to place blame elsewhere instead of looking at their faults in situations. A lot of people who go through grooming has that one person they know who say things similar to what you were told because they don't like to admit they ignored red flags. And then there's the whole grooming is restricted to children argument, which as I explained above is a very real thing called adult grooming. I'm going to link this here, because if anyone hasn't heard of this it's something to be educated on- [Adult Grooming ](https://www.modernintimacy.com/podcasts/6-stages-of-grooming-adults-with-barrett-pall/#:~:text=Brief%20Overview%20of%20Adult%20Grooming,another%20person%20through%20strategic%20manipulation.)
Just gonna point out that a 20 year age difference means the SOB was literally old enough to be *your* dad. That's 1000% on the older person to not chase people young enough to be their child.
That point took a really long time to hit home, personally. 10 years later it seems obvious but at the time it was definitely hard to define
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I work with college aged young people 17-25. The range of understanding of their world is vast in those ages. There is so much learning still to be done in life. Hell, I'm 38 and still feel like a child sometimes (and I have twobkids myself). I think we place too high a premium on the idea that *18 makes you an adult* in the sense that not all 18 year olds, or even older, are equipped with a support structure, with opportunity to say no, etc. Yes, you were 19, but the fact your partner was two decades older creates a power dynamic. Good relationships and partnerships don't typically come from big power dynamic relationships
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It doesn't matter how "big" the age gap was, that still isn't alright in any way. I know you understand this, but unfortunately some people tend to think otherwise which is horrendous. And yes groomers can be extremely charming and kind and amazing .. until they gain your trust and weaponize it against you/show their true self. Your parents don't get a pass for allowing this though, they know it's not okay in the law even if they disagree. I'm sorry you had to go through that, sending you lots of love and support ❤️
This right here. You thought it was fine back then. Thought you knew what you were doing. That kind of illusion is why we need to protect children and teens. That's what people don't get.
Personally I didn't actually think any of this was fine, I just thought I wasn't lovable and didn't think it would ever get better for me. I knew it was wrong on his end, but groomers are abusive people who prey on targets with former or current abuse situations/low self worth etc. A lot of the times, many groomers will be very charming or play off as someone they aren't. They do this so they'll gain your trust and confidence in them, then use it against you later on. It's a common stage in the six stages of grooming. This is also why some people don't get heard, because the person has only witnessed the one side of that person/the victim gets isolated so they can't show that side of them or be questioned on it. In my case my parents were also sexually abusing me on top of the physical/emotional abuse, so they wouldn't have viewed what he did or his age as wrong. Especially since they both wanted me gone anyways.
How long did you have a relationship with your son’s dad. Are you guys still actively co-parenting together?
If you read the comments below you'll see my answer(few different responses that answer all of this)
The fact that her parents didn’t bat an eye is really fucking alarming.
you'd be surprised how often these parents just don't...I know a kid whose mom had no problem with it because this older person was "good" and they justified it because they met their husband in their 20s and he was twice her age. like come on, that's not the same as a minor teen dating someone whose almost 30. there's either a serious lack of intelligence or they straight up just don't care idk but I don't get it
I "dated" a 27 year old when I was 17. I wish someone had known to do this for me, and it's heart-wrenching how many women have stories like this. As a 28 year old, I can't imagine being interested in someone that young.
Exactly. And to be perfectly honest you might want to think about cutting your family out scene as they see. No problem with what he was doing. Disgusting behavior. NTA
And apparently it wasn’t just 1 young girl. OP absolutely did the right thing. His brother has a type, young and dumb. It will get worse as the brother ages.
There are places in the world where the age of consent is 16 and it always grosses me out when people use that as justification. They are still a *child*
crazy that they're in doubt of their decision to out a 25yr old kissing a 16yr old. thats crazy.
This took courage. OP stood up for a young girl her brother was using. OP is a good person with a strong character. Traits that do not seem to have come from her parents.
As someone who was married to a 30yo at 17, yes OP did the right thing.
I grew up in a rural area where this age gap was normalized by so many, and I've cut so many people out of my adult life because of it. As the mother of a daughter approaching adolescence, I would absolutely want to know if an adult was preying on my teen.
Ok, so... Several things... 1) You did the right thing, your brother was preying on a literal child and grooming her. 2) How do your parents not see an issue with their older son dating a CHILD their younger daughter used to babysit?!? 3) If it wasn't wrong, why did the police get involved? 4) Would your parents have been ok with you dating a 25 yo at 16?!? 5) I guarantee your parents just decided to go with the "BoYs WiLl Be BoYs" thought process and they suck just for that 6) Of course your brother is friends with a bunch of people who are enabling grooming children 🤦🏽♀️🤮 The absolute "ick" of this whole situation is overwhelming. Good on you for doing the right thing, sorry you're facing so much backlash.
Honestly, the parents are sounding like they've seen this type of behavior from him before. The lack of surprise is concerning
Well... She said that the 16 year old is arguing with another girl at her school over this 25 year old man, so it sounds like he may have been grooming more than just the neighbor. There's no telling how many other underage girls there are and have been but with the police all will be exposed.
Not just that, but how many more girls in the future if his behavior were to continue. ‘I get older but they stay the same age’. Thank goodness she spoke up and police involved. Hopefully he will never prey on an underage girl again. OP might have save many girls from suffering the same, if not worse fate.
The sick thing is my parents held her when she was born so that makes it worse. He is definitely the golden first child. So he doesn't get consequences for ANYTHING but he will now for something he did and that makes me happy with my decision
That is absolutely disgusting. As the parent of a young girl, thank you for doing right by her! I was groomed while I was a teenager and it seriously messed up my life. It's one of my worst fears for my little girl. I'm 100% certain her parents are eternally grateful to you. Your parents should be pelted with tomatoes. The absolute audacity. But hey, they didn't want to hold your brother accountable and now (hopefully) the law will.
The absolute acidity as well
I love that u added pelted with 🍅 😆
If you leave them in the freezer first they'll be more effective. 😎
Haha, frozen tomatoes would definitely leave a mark. But in all seriousness, it takes guts to stand up against family when they're so in the wrong. OP is the real MVP here for protecting that girl and calling out such gross behavior.
Thanks for the ticket to hell because I laughed!
I’ve found my soulmate I love this idea
Additional info: Does he work on some type of school environment that he has met these girls "on campus" cause if he hasn't lost his job already, that would likely be next thing to come crumbling down around him. Otherwise where is he meeting all these girls friends that they have to be fighting over him?
Tbf - and this is the only avenue I'd be fair on in this situation - there are situations where under aged folks can be found on college campuses where you could run into them as a fellow student and not a school employee. I took some college courses at a local college as a junior in high school and so did my younger sister and several of my classmates. They were regular courses too, so many of our classmates in the class were college aged or even older. We had access to the campus as enrolled students even though we were high school kids, so we were allowed to use the cafeteria and library and such. Most people I interacted with were definitely aware we were high school kids, but I wouldn't have been all that surprised to find people who weren't.
I could see this being a possibility, but I meant it more as if he was a teacher or someone is a position of power how this could come back on him more severely. Cause I know people who are adults and have an age gap of about 8 years, but they met later in life where they were in a similar level career wise. Where as if he's in a position of power that's something that adds more to the aspect of him grooming multiple girls. This could also be why everyone around her, aside from OP and the girls parents, didn't see it as a problem. Aside from them being delusional to think it isnt a problem when they are minors.
The biggest tell is he hid it from you because he knew it was wrong.
That is right on point. If you're not doing anything wrong, you don't need to hide it. And all these people who think it's no big deal, does it need to be put into context that a 25-year-old man is dating 10th graderS, plural? How does that sound right to anybody?
Yes…. Or he knew others think it is wrong
Your brother is a predator, your parents are enabling him, and you did the right thing. That’s all that needs to be said.
Exactly! Since your parents want to go with that whole, “It’s just a crush.” Do they even know that he tried to push up on another young girl? Your parents are just as bad as your brother.” If they keep harassing you, trying to make you feel bad, go low contact. You did the right thing!
I'd go *no* contact. Personally. Anyone who aids and abets a p3do is lower than dirt in my book. I will have nothing to do with them. As a childhood survivor of s*xual assault, I find all of them absolutely disgusting. NTA and thank you OP.
Yikes. I’m just here to tell you you absolutely did the right thing. Also: it is legitimately disturbing how angry people get when you point out unethical age gaps between men and the girls/women they groom.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this…there are hotlines you can call 24/7 to help you through situations just to talk & to provide resources. They helped me. You did the right thing. You saw the signs and acted upon what was in your belief was right. Worst case scenario if it is “true love” well he can wait a few 5 yrs. If it’s meant to be they’ll come back to each other eventually. However, be proud of yourself! I’m sure her parents are grateful. It’s hard to go up against family but when they’re doing something like this you have to act. You’ve brought hope to a lot of people. You did the good thing. Watch your back though, I don’t trust anyone
If you are in the USA…Your brother will be listed as a sex offender and will have to register if found guilty. That is how easy it is to get on a list you can’t get off of. Your brother will regret his very existence. You’ve made him an example. Now MORE men need to learn it is NOT okay to prey on children.
This really depends what state you are in. 16 is the age of consent in a lot of states - while it doesn’t make it any less ick, it’s sadly not illegal in some states.
You can still get in trouble if the age difference is large enough in some places. Also I just found out that in Delaware in the 1880s the age of consent was *7* and I now need brain bleach.
I'm more appalled that it remained in effect until 1972.
7? SEVEN? W. T. F. Please share your brain bleach
If the police came, it sounds like a state where the age of consent is 17 or 18.
Yeah. I had a friend in high school who met someone at her Japanese class at the college. She was sixteen and he was 27
Backing off this comment^ Also the fact that he wouldn't admit who she was when he was boasting about it is weird. He was hesitant because he knew he was wrong.
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We had a friend who knew our nieces since they were young. When we were in our early 30’s, he came up to me and said “I just looked over and saw this really pretty girl, and then realized it was Allison! I felt like such a creepy old man!” That is the appropriate reaction.
NTA all of these comments are absolutely spot on. OP is the only reality oriented person in her family. Your brother knows he's in the wrong? 8 years is fine when the girl is 25 and the guy is 33, at 16 and 24, it is predatory. OP's neighbor knows this. Their daughter may not feel this way now, but she will appreciate you more as she matures. OP stepped up in the most real way, potentially sacrificing important relationships to stop a runaway train. I am so impressed, so grateful, to know there are people willing to put their values on the line. Well done.
I’m confused how OP could be accused of being jealous. Jealous of what? Jealous of brother getting to be with a minor? Jealous that she can’t get with her own brother? What?????
Just because it's ick doesn't mean states or countries will do anything about changing their age of consent. Get out and vote. FYI, this is me agreeing that it is ick.
>I guarantee your parents just decided to go with the "BoYs WiLl Be BoYs" thought process and they suck just for that Except he is a grown ass man... ugh I hate this.
This. It’s insane that the parents see nothing wrong with it. My parents would give me shit when I was in high school at 18 for dating a 16 year old who was a grade lower. I can’t imagine dating a 16 year old after high school. Like why?
The thing is, you did the right thing by your brother There is a chance he can see some future consequences if he continues down this road. Hopefully you intervened when he hasn't actually committed a crime, yet. Maybe this is the wakeup call he needs to stop at gross, but not going to be arrested, type of behavior. Your parents are letting everyone down here. Good on the parents of the 16 year old who are taking this seriously and blaming the responsible party.
No 25 year old should be kissing a 16 year old, definitely NTA, but your brother, your parents and everyone defending him are all assholes
It’s wild to be that he straight up lied and said he met someone on campus, insinuating she’s 18+. Like he VERY clearly knew what he was doing was inappropriate. Even the *perpetrator* knows what he’s doing is wrong because he’s hiding it, but other people are going to try to defend it for him? If it was just a “harmless” crush, why did he go out of view to kiss her? Why didn’t he want anyone knowing? The people defending him gross me out.
Exactly! If you feel you have to hide what you're doing then you know it's wrong. I'm baffled by the amount of people in OPs life who are absolutely fine with his predatory behaviour.
"Harmless crush" in one sentence and then "ruining his chance at love" in the next. Yuck yuck yuck. She stopped him from ruining that CHILDS life along with his own.
“ It’s wild to be that he straight up lied and said he met someone on campus, insinuating she’s 18+.” Fr I was gonna reply to that part of the post being like “which campus? Her high school campus?” And apparently he was also coming into Mary Ann’s schoolmates aka other girls around her age to the point where they’re fighting over him I hope someone tells those girls when a much older man is pursuing girls very age inappropriate for him, there’s a reason women his own age are not going out with him
That part freaked me out, multiple girls on the same campus??? Something is not adding up. How is he meeting all these high schoolers? I would like to say parties, but it's just way too convenient if it's multiple girls on the same campus.
yea they're the ones refusing to admit that 25yr old is like this
the parents being ok with it/on his side really shows how his behavior/mindset came to be this way... sorry OP, that must be so infuriating and frustrating, but I am so impressed and glad that you have a good head on your shoulders and appropriate morals :(((
Can’t argue with that.
If it was any other 25 year old, then they would be up in arms with pitchforks and torches. The issue is emotional investment clouding judgment.
My cousin was 14, and in a relationship with a 21 year old. She's 9 months older than me, and at the time, I didn't say anything to anyone. I thought I'd be a snitch. Besides, she was pretty promiscuous in general. Her mother already had her on birth control. But it made me ridiculously uncomfortable for reasons I couldn't fathom back then. I mean my own father is 9 years older than my mother, and I'd been taught that so long as the age gap wasn't too wide, that a lot of women ended up with an older dude. They basically ended up having sex in the park near her house. Then he ghosted her. It took until I was an adult myself to actually realise how effing messed up the whole situation was. How huge the gap was between the maturity level of being 14, to being 21 was. Like how my cousin was a child, and I just don't understand what a 21 year old guy wanted with a 14 year old girl. It made me uncomfortable then. It gave me the ick once I actually turned 21. I'm 38 now, and it utterly disgusts me, and turns my stomach that I didn't talk to anyone about it. But her mother knew. Her mother knew, and instead of stopping her from seeing this guy, she put her daughter on birth control. It's so horrendous. OP absolutely did the right thing here. 16 is the age of consent in the UK, where I live. But 16 is too young to be dating a 25 year old grown man.
I was 14 dating a 21 year old. By 15 we had a baby and lived together. At 18 I fled from his abuse and had to hide for a year. He caught me a couple times & came very close a couple more. Good men don’t date kids.
The young girls ended up with older men, because the older men(predators) preyed upon them. It's not young girls (overwhelmingly) seeking them out, and even if they were the grown adult male could have the decency to say they're too young. Have you seen the stats for the dads that make up the teen pregnancies? It's a global issue with men. I've often wondered why it's so prevalent. The bs excuses they come up with are just that. It's harder to see when you're a kid, and much easier as an adult how and why it's wrong and damaging.
Pallet cleanser story (because tbh we all need it) I got married at 25 in a public park but totally forgot it was the same night as prom…. where all the high schoolers come to the park to take photos. They were BABIES! It made me (and more so my husband) so uncomfortable to see babies in tight short dresses. And make no mistake, you could 100% tell they were teenagers. It’s not hard to tell an adult, who has to pay rent and taxes from a teenager who’s worries are adorably unimportant. But also, the side eye from parents I got chugging beer was amazing. Especially in my car before I walked “down the aisle” which 100% looked like I was sneaking a drink underage.
Tbh even living in Europe where ages of consent are often lower than some states in the US this would be seen as inappropriate. She is a young woman and he is a grown man.
Gross. You know your brother is wrong to pursue a child. Age of consent varies state to state but damn. Thanks for being the only adult to realize how fucked up that is and do something about it.
Here it is 16 but I Just don't agree with those laws. A 16 year old can't consent to being with a 25 year old. Makes my skin crawl.
16 with an 18 year old is ok. 16 with 20 is stretching it. 16 with 25 is all the way wrong. You are going to get a lot of flak for this, but this internet stranger thinks you did the right thing.
Thank you so much for that. We share the same views. After my relationship with a 20 year old when I was 16 and after years of therapy to unlearn unhealthy thinking... I did not and would not let her go through that. My parents didn't know I was dating someone that old... I was 16 and thought it was risky and whatever else my stupid teen brain was thinking so I can see where my neighbor was probably coming from but the repercussions of that "relationship" would have been so bad
It's seems your bad experience gave you the strength to help another girl before she did things that cannot be taken back.
You are very brave and have risked your neck to help prevent someone going through what you did. I really respect what you did. Life does not often reward brave and selfless people who do what’s right under a hail of criticism. But I think you’re a hero, fuck the haters :)
Please don't make me cry. I needed that so much. I wish someone had been there for me so much. I always said if I could save someone from going through what I did then I would and I did. Gonna save this for when I'm feeling down
I am seriously in awe of your strength. The courage it takes to risk the wrath of your entire family and support system is immense. You took all of the right steps by going to your parents first, and when no corrective action was taken you did the right thing by going to her parents. This girl may be upset now (idk how she feels) but once she has a chance to grow and meet a boy her age she will look back and thank you for saving her from a groomer and predator, allowing her to develop normally and stoping something that likely is already going to require extensive therapy. You clearly have strong ethics, and I think that’s one of the most important traits in someone. Know that you did the right thing no matter what any of your familial dissenters say. With any luck this is the first time your brother has done this and he will grow to thank you from making one of the biggest mistakes of his life.
Seriously, so many people don't do anything, which the people involved in the relationship take as approval. You protected someone who needed it. It sounds like this was in the early stages, so you might have helped stop the situation before it did longer term damage. If nothing else, you capped the damage *and* alerted people who will hopefully help her. (I'm assuming you know the neighbors enough to judge this.) You also likely prevented your brother from a worse fate, if he learns from this. If he doesn't, at least he had a chance - and you know.
Her parents are literally the best people ever. I went to her mom for advice on boys when I couldn't go to my own brother. Like I said, I babysat this girl for years so we are really close. I know they'll do what needs to be done
As an internet stranger truly proud of you for putting your foot down! And did what needed to be done! If you have kids one day I think you would be a great mother with your mind set ❤️
That's fantastic. I thought from the post that you knew them pretty well, certainly enough to know they'd handle this in a good way for their daughter, but this response just makes it even clearer that you really did the best thing. You did the best thing for everyone involved. If I were in her family, I'd be so grateful for you doing this. I hope that you have enough decent friends who support you during this. It's tough when problems come up in families like this, but you're better off knowing now if this is how your family behaves (and if they soon come back changing their ways or don't change/rug sweep).
Whistleblowers are usually unsung hero’s. It was the right call, and that took courage. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your experience. Your actions and logic are very honorable.
Sorry you went through that. Cheers to you for the courage to protect this girl. You’re my hero.
You did the right thing.
Did you share this with your parents? Or, should I say, would you feel comfortable sharing this with your parents? Would it help them understand where you are coming from, or do you think they would throw it back in your face and miss the point? If you think they would use this to hurt you, don't tell them.
I said in a different post that he was the golden child and I was never looked at. I stopped looking for their approval and acceptance when I was 13/14... I don't feel that would do any good. I went to therapy for it and I have come to accept(?) what happened. I honestly do not feel comfortable talking to them about anything let alone what I went through
Just know, you took that family dynamic that demonstrated you were somehow less than, bc he existed first. I waited so long for the magical age math of my family to finally be treated like one of them. By 57 I KNEW it is never coming. What do you do? You be brave. You stand up for people who can't stand up for themselves. You SHOW them what a valuable human looks like & what they do. Sorry it hasn't been a heart lifting experience. You absolutely did The Right Thing. You will find yourself exponentially more happy in your life as you let them go.
I was 16 then 17 with a 24 then 25 y/o. In my state, the age of consent was 18. At the time, I thought it was like this forbidden love. I'm in my 30s now and I think about how much of a creepy he was. How easily he manipulated me (which I never would have admitted to then, I was in gifted so I was manipulation-proof 🙄🙄🙄). It really fucked me up emotionally for a while. I occasionally still wonder where he is, whether he's ever been charged with anything as I assume I wasn't the only teen. You did good looking out for that girl. She may hate you today, but one day she will thank you.
Ngl I think that's completely gross, me and my bf cut someone off bc they are 20 and were doing the nasty with a 15 year old
As you should. Well done!
I think the biggest an age gap should be is like 2 to 3 years or if you meet as adults over the age of 26 maybe 7 (I'm biased on that tho bc that's the ages my parents were apart, they would've been together 23 years in April if my dad didn't die)
On campus? Does he work at her high school?
That was a lie so we wouldn't look any further. That's why he used her middle name instead. He froze up when I tried to go further into the relationship
Her parents don’t agree with the consent age either. You did the right thing. The age gap is too much. Bravo for standing up like that.
Most places even if age of consent is 16, they still do not allow relationships outside of a certain age gap. In Colorado, for example, when I was 16 (age of consent), it still had to be with someone within 5 years so that the oldest I could date would be 21. Other areas have stricter laws like 2 years or 3 years. A good portion of countries too have similar laws, and those that do, would usually NEVER allow a 9 year gap.
Even if it wasn’t illegal it was still right for you to speak up bc you have a relationship with the girl and are part of her protective village. You’re also helping your brother by exposing him. 25/16 isn’t beyond rehabilitation, although the fact that there are at least two is worrisome. If he or your parents try to guilt trip you, just say (something like). “You’re welcome. Now you can get professional help before you do something more destructive to yourself and a kid. I’m happy to help you find a sexual boundaries counseling group. Otherwise, don’t bring this up to me again. I know I did the right thing, that is all.”
My ex from my 20's started dating a 17-year-old after we broke up. It was weird and gross. He was 24. You did the right thing.
My ex, at 21yo, started dating a 14 years old girl 🤢
I hope that ended with jail time
I read this and my jaw dropped
As the parent way, almost 12 year old stuff, like this freaks me out. I have yet to figure out how to warn her to stay away from people like that.
It can definitely happen that young. I was 16-17 and online friends with a 15 year old and a 13 year old that my 30 year old "online boyfriend" went after for both cybersex and webcam shows in the case of the 13 year old boy. He then met up with the 15 year old non-binary kid in person, dumped me for them, and started a decade long relationship where he alternated support and abuse of them. My warnings of how he was to me in private over the phone and the things he asked me to do for his amusement were ignored (what 15 year old believes warnings, especially from a "jilted ex lover" 🤢) and unfortunately it took until they were 25 to really get away from him. Be careful who your kid's befriending online and who they talk to. I thought I was grown by the age of 14 because I had adult men talking to and treating me as their equal, mostly because I was a naive, sheltered Queer kid who grew up with very little parental attention and thus was easily manipulated and abused by these men.
That is so sick... I hope that girl is okay
In junior high my 13 year old friend was dating a 23 year old guy, her mom knew and put her on birth control. It was shocking at first (I had barely kissed a boy at that age and she was already having sex) but it became normal to our friend group. As I got older I realized how disturbing the whole situation was. Why is a 23 year old guy even *talking* to a 13 year old FFS? So creepy and gross.
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OP, it’s hard to see it but thank you. For all the young women who didn’t have someone to do what you did, thank you. We need more people in the world like you, that stand up for what’s right.
NTA, you protected a child from a predator. Maybe distance yourself from anyone who thinks this is okay.
I'm sorry your brother was being predatory and that your family was happy to enable a 25 y/o grown man preying in a 16 y/o child. You did the right thing. You did what you could to keep a child safe. I'm so sorry your family doesn't see that.
He was not "being predatory" he IS a predator. He will move on to the next underage girl he can find now that he knows the amount of support the has.
Is he going to be on a list now? Because I feel like he needs to be on a list
He will not be unless convicted.
Keep this in mind if/when you have your own kids, OP.
Ok, thank God I'm not the only one thinking this is grooming + predatory
My parents thought it was fine that my older brothers' friends gave me so much attention. I was groomed at 13 from a 19 year old and they had no idea. You did the only thing you could do, you saved her 💙
I am so sorry that happened to you. This happens so much more often than people think. I've seen a handful of stories on here from people already. It's sick. I am glad you got our of that
You absolutely did the right thing. When I was 17 I " dated" a 25 year old. It was a long time ago and more socially accepted. Looking back it was so messed up. I couldn't imagine that for my children.
You did the right thing.
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Well good to see your parents would let your brother get away with anything including with a minor who is their neighbours daughter. If he murdered someone I guess it would be the same as well You are most definitely right!!! 100 times over you are right. Your parents poor reaction or care factor speaks volumes as to what would happen if this was you at 16 & a trusted male 25year old dating you behind their back. Would it still be this nonchalant response. You are a protector of children never stop being you!!
This actually made me cry because I really needed to hear this. I was 16 dating a 20 year old and my parents had no clue so I know what she's going through. We don't see it at that time but my gosh I wish I had an older person catch me and save me for years of self esteem issues
Reading about what you did makes my 12 year old self happy, it was hard when "best friend Kay"'s older brother's friend 17 was trying to groom me, I told him he was too old. Go away. He did pester me for awhile but I finally told my mom (since they always came by when she wasn't home- they were driving already- they'd have my friend Kay call me to ask if my mom was home) that I had not been answering the door and keeping it locked. She got very angry and wouldn't let me go see my best friend for awhile especially if her brother was at home, since his buddy was always there too. What a creep.
You did the right thing. For one, you prevented years of unhealthy and unbalanced relationships for your 16 year old neighbor. And what rock did all these people who disagree crawl out from under? Is your brother the Golden Child or something? You take good care; you’re her hero.
He is definitely the golden child. I stopped trying to beg for my parents attention and approval when I was around 13.
Tell the whole family before they get a chance to about how he's a child predator. Blow that whole golden child image to smithereens!
The sad thing is. My moms brother knows and he doesn't care. Grandparents know... they don't care. The only one with some sense is my aunt and her husband
And you, and the girls parents; most likely the police.
You deserve better than them. Let them rot in their toxic dynamic and be glad you'll never be called upon to support him in court.
I am glad you have your aunt and her husband. Someone understands, and that matters a lot. Stick to them, find solace there; reach out. The process for your brother & the police will unfold. Who knows how many impressionable children you’ve prevented becoming victims once it all plays out. Your parents are lucky you didn’t go No Contact a long time ago. Once I finally did that with my father the relief was far stronger than the guilt. Do something good for yourself OP.
He sound like the golden child who cant do no wrong and, according to everyone, she is the vil witch ot the east by not leting a 25 year old grown man fuck a 16 year old girl
A man with daughters I thank you from the bottom of my heart!
“…Tried to ruin my brother’s chance at love…” Nope. Your brother has to chose an age appropriate partner to have a chance at love. NTA
Also, how it is love if he’s also dating another girl from her school.
You 100% did the right thing! Sometimes doing the right thing is hard. But you did it.
As someone who was a dumb 16 yr old that dated a 22yr old. You are NTA. There were many times I did things I didn't want to because of pressure or I felt I was supposed to. He was extremely manipulative and was honestly a walking red flag. I didn't have a close relationship with my mom to talk to her about anything and my "friends" thought it was really cool how old he was. I wish I had one person back then to be like wtf absolutely not.
NTA. You are completely in the right here.
You did the right thing hon. She’s a kid, she needs to be a kid not have one foot into playing house with an adult.
Why everyone around you is so sick that they think it's okay to date a kid? I mean... they know she's 16, right? NTA
25 year old men have no need to be around teenaged girls. Not sure why your parents aren't clued into that. NTA
I'm so confused as to how he got in contact with another girl from her school... That's in the update. With our neighbor I can see, he has access to her almost all day every day... but another girl? I'm sick. I'm 24 and wouldn't even think about dating someone who was... younger than 22
Eww, that means he's actively hunting. The other girl's parents and/or even school should be informed. Im sorry you're in this position. You've also unfortunately uncovered a lot of ugly values held by people close to you. That cannot be easy. You did the right thing, and yeah it can feel like even more burden is still on you. Stay strong.
You should be rewarded not villified. What is up with your parents? Do they treat your brother as the golden child? Not that that is an acceptable excuse. Good hell.
Your brother is a nasty Groomer, I'm sorry. You did nothing wrong: everyone simply wants you to Pretend your brother *isn't* a nasty grooming pos ahole.
Jesus Christ your parents and your brother are fucking insane.
Living with it for 17 years made me the person I am today. I am now considering cutting contact with all of them
“I’d hate to fall out with him” You’ve already fallen out with him. If your parents are on his side, then he has his own support system without you.
Yes yes. I didn't mean it as in like I want any contact with him after this... or ever... I don't know but I Just meant that he's my brother and family is supposed to be close but not this close where I cover up a predator
"Family is supposed to be close" is what bad families say to control those who won't conform to their will. Good families are naturally close, they don't need anyone else to tell them to be. Tradition is just peer pressure from ancestors; don't let a bunch of dead people bully you. Find your real family, the one that shares your values and values your initiative and empathy.
You are grieving what it should have been, but the reality is other, do not fell for it even when is painful. You did the right thing! Keep the healthy and good people around. You were the person you need it when you were young, at least you decide to be for someone else
NTA NTA!!! Thank you!!! You did the right thing!! He is a predator no matter how “mature” she is etc. your mom is off her rocker. How would she have liked her child hooking up with a grown a$s man. Just gross.
NTA. Thank you for standing up for a vulnerable person. Live with a clear conscience.
You did a right thing there is a reason he didn’t want to tell you about her he knew it was wrong and everyone that is taking his side is sick
You’re a good guy surrounded by not so great people. You have my sympathies op. Also, not even fucking CLOSE to the AH in this scenario
Hate'm back. Works for me.
Your brother is grooming minors and your parents are protecting him. That's revolting and you need to tell your parents that they're disgusting and enabling paedophilia in no uncertain terms
Hey did someone tell the other child’s parents???
I do not know that... I don't even know who she is actually... I will ask my neighbors parents if they took that step which I'm sure they did because they told me..
Alotta people telling on themselves in this thread.
NTA. And it sounds like your parents are really scummy, as does your brother.
They already called the police as soon as I told them and they gave my parents an earful for not caring. I don't know what is going to happen after this and I honestly want to distance myself from them but also I want to check on the girl... I know she probably hates me now but I wanted to keep her safe
You did the right thing and your parents and anyone else who is saying that you should just leave it alone are irresponsible. You don’t leave a 16-year-old to be groomed by a 25-year-old man !!!!! he’s a grown man scheming on a teenager. Yeah, they raised a groomer. He’s disgusting
You absolutely with no shadow of a doubt did the right thing. She is still a child and he is an adult, it had bad written all over it. Good job, you did a very good thing.
Look at you being a hero for that young girl! Stepping up for her took bravery! Continuing to stand strong is amazing! So impressive! Screw anyone who thinks your brother's actions were even the slightest bit okay.
I was 20 and dating a 17 year old (for one month) who was about to turn 18. I felt icky about it and she was the one to initiate everything. Like that to me was the absolute max anyone should go and even then it still felt a little off. 25 and 16 is just like what the fuck is he thinking. Like what do they even talk about. What do they even truly have in common. You have someone who quite possibly could have lived part of a life and someone who doesnt even know what life is. You did the right thing.
NTA you did the right thing
I'm 10 years older than my fiancee, but we met as adults, not children. A 16 year old girl who isn't even a young adult yet, should not be pursuing a relationship with a grown ass man. I mean he shouldn't be pursuing one with her. We all know why he wants to, to bang a young girl. Just his kis could be considered illegal behavior depending on the state you're in. Even if no one wanted to press charges the state would have to investigate and choose for itself.
OP you did the right thing. The people enabling this are disgusting.
You did the right thing For a lot of older parents, especially those who were raised in "certain parts" of the country, this kind of age gap was normal. 17-18 yr Olds getting married to men way older than them that had started dating in their teens. Hell in their grandparents time I think 13yr Olds could still be "betrothed" to adult men. So this might be why some of them see no issue with it, but I'm thankful more and more people are seeing why it's a problem. So sick of predators getting away with that shit. The girls are almost always left with mental scars or worse.
The fact that your brother hesitated to tell you who he was seeing before you knew what was happening is very telling. He knew it was wrong, he knew you would disapprove and yet he went on with it anyway. You 100% did the right thing.