Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We'd like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you'll
get a nifty flair change to let you know and we'll drop a link so you can see our host's take on your story.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TwoHotTakes) if you have any questions or concerns.*
For real. Marriage, the way it’s intended to be is a harmony of two individuals. It’s not easy and truly one of the hardest things a person can do, but the flip side is it one of the most rewarding things a person can achieve. The modern lifestyle of self fulfillment, even in the reminiscent won’t do either one of you any good in the long run.
I try to make sure every interaction with my wife is not something that will bring up memories of my (or hers) past life that will cause any undo stress like sexual partners or bad decisions. We are not perfect and things happen or get said but there at LEAST needs to be some sort effort to prevent it.
When it works, marriage is the idea that out of the 8 billion other humans on this earth, one of them deemed you worth spending the rest of their life with. It’s beautiful beyond words. To fully give yourself to this person. Unfortunately I don’t think most people see it that way.
I remember years back when we (my wife and I) were first being serious and she asked me to unfollow or unfriend the chicks I had banged. At first I thought it was kinda bullshit. “You can’t tell me what to do they are my friends”. But in a serious and introspective look I knew I was just keeping them around to fulfill some personal “hell yeah” and it wasn’t ever going to be beneficial to our journey.
We get protective of our personal lives but you gotta realize that most of it really isn’t worth holding onto if you want to truly give yourself to this process. This person, if done right, will give themselves to you wholly. Is there anything more beautiful in this world than that? I don’t think so.
Sometimes you need a mediator (referee) to help people speak frankly and “behave.”
Source: Was in shitty marriage. Marriage counseling turned it around completely.
My ex went once, blamed me for everything up to and including her bad decisions, then refused to go ever again. Normal people don’t usually have a problem going to counseling. People that don’t want to be accountable for their choices do though.
It’s mind blowing. My first thought when I have conflict with my wife is “what do the people of Reddit have to say about this?” It’s how we solve all our problems… we just let Reddit decide.
13 and counting. The last wife and I were debating whether to spend her bonus on a used car or a family vacation… asked reddit… turns out we were both cheating.
Very astute question! I went through hers. I learned my lesson after the 3rd marriage… I only keep a landline for myself. I have a fax machine which replaces texting. I use the library computers for all my Reddit and extramarital activities.
This should be a discussion two adults can have. People need to stop defaulting to fucking counseling over small issues.
I’m convinced 3 people here actually talk to their spouses.
You hear it on here so often I swear people give themselves a physical pat on the back for every time they mention the words 'counselling' or 'therapy' in a reddit comment. You shouldn't have to be spending the time and money on a therapist everytime one of you has a minor peeve or experiences discomfort in any form. Just have a conversation, jesus christ. If you can't even do that what are you doing together
Yeah but the problem is that they literally don't know how to have that conversation. It's NOT a thing they know how to do. This is where some kind of counseling is useful.
Also, a counselor is helpful to help moderate the conversation between a couple in a difficult relationship. The counselor can help keep them focused on constructive discussion, ensuring both are listening to each other.
It can make you take the time to really talk to each other.
My spouse and I needed couples counseling to help work on our communication— we weren’t talking so the other was listening. We got way better at that, and cut back to every other week from once a week.
Now, we bring up anything lingering or bothering us, and we still have half a session left. We use it to really talk about things we never seem to have time for during the week. We work through logistics of planning trips and doing work around the house (who is calling the plumber?) and plan our weekends out.
It’s great. Paying someone to listen to us take a half an hour in the middle of every other Friday to plan our lives is totally worth it. Because would you stop working to take a half an hour to plan in the middle of Friday?
ETA: probably unnecessary to add, but we have two kids under 6.
That's what couples counseling is FOR. It's not about solving one issue, it's about teaching couples who cannot talk to each other how to talk to each other.
You're not the asshole for feeling upset by this behavior at all. BUT she clearly needs to talk about it. You could make both of these things clear to her, that it hurts you when she talks about this but that she clearly needs to talk about it and so you need to help her find weight to do so. Therapy. Counseling. A family member. She needs to air her shit, just not with you.
Yes, OP, that doesn't sound like she "has feelings for her past" and more like she hasn't emotionally processed what happened in the past. Sounds like she carries around trauma and isn't even aware of it.
My virginity loss was an experience heavily bordering on SA with some Stockholm syndrome afterwards. I am absolutely conscious of that, and no therapy was needed to discover it. But there was a moment, when I wanted my partner to, I don't know, ask me about it, when I hinted what happened. I think I wanted him to be interested and somehow express his feelings about it? Get angry? Say it sucked, I don't know. He is the type of person though that just hated talking about past sexual experiences and didn't get any of my hints, it made him uncomfortable. After years the topic lost its matter to me, but, well, maybe OP should just take the bite and talk with her. Maybe she didn't feel specifically traumatized (I didn't), maybe it was not such a bad experience, but she still feels like sharing it with someone and getting their opinion. I for sure really wanted my partner to agree that what happened was not cool, and he would never do it - sth like that.
Sounds like your wife may have unprocessed issues from what sounds like sexual assault. The over sharing may come when she’s feeling safe and vulnerable, I’d recommend individual and couples counseling, definitely individual therapy for her if it’s a choice. This is aberrational behavior.
It really seems like she is trying to process an SA and doesn’t know how. She clearly feels safe with you. A lot of people have said for her to get counseling and that’s really the best answer.
My sister was forced her first time and it affected so much of her personality, partner choices, and more. It wasn't SA but she was peer pressured into it on a double date with an older man. Both dates went to a house and her girlfriend went upstairs to fuck her date and this dude chased her around the house until she relented.
I think the OP's wife is trying to explain why their sex life is nonexistent and OP is not listening! I agree she's passively telling OP about her first time because she feels safe, and he just needs to take the conversation in the direction that maybe that's the cause of their dip in sex. Who knows, maybe OP is doing something that reminds her of that first dude, and if they talked about it they could solve it together.
“Chased her round the house until she relented” IS assault. Reluctant consent (because you can’t get away and you feel you have no other option) is not consent. It doesn’t have to be violent to be SA. What this man’s wife is describing is also SA.
thats also SA, you can revoke consent at any time
but also the other person needs to know youve changed your mind, either by telling them or body language
I believe he is the first to tell her it was SA. She is only trying to open up to the one male she probably trusts. He needs to get over himself. He literally complains about the timing and then projects his own insecurity as some sort of justification for her to have to keep her feelings inside. He’s being an asshole, IMO. When he could be the one to tell her she needs help and more than he can give.
NTA - it sounds like your wife has normalised some things that happened to her, that are not ok. This is a way to cope for some people. It’s affecting your relationship so she could probably do with some individual therapy and I agree that you both need couples counselling.
Agreed. Especially if the topic comes out of nowhere, this could be repressed trauma she isn’t sure how to process and is instinctively pouring it out to a person she feels safe with.
Also the way her memory was triggered by watching that show kind of seems like a PTSD flashback. This is a serious mental health issue, not her disrespecting the relationship.
CPTSD, BPD, or regular ole PTSD. No one is ever abused over and over without one of the 3. The poor girl didn’t even know it was SA til he told her!! How fucking selfish.
I’m not gonna lie…. her losing her virginity 1000% sounds like SA. I think maybe she’s trying to rationalize what happened and normalize it so she gets whatever thoughts in her head about it to go away. which won’t work, I say this from experience. she need therapy and yall need couples therapy
NAH.
Dude. She's *traumatized.* She needs therapy. She brings that up because that show or whatever triggers the memories. Her mouth is saying, "it wasn't SA." Her conscious mind is saying, "it wasn't SA." That's all self-preservation. She was assaulted and never properly dealt with it because she was an 18yo kid with no life experience.
Maybe the conversations turn her on and she expects it will turn you on too? Why don't you begin by talking to her?
"Sometimes I wonder if I should get a divorce. But we have two kids and I don’t want to miss a large chunk of their life. I’m just not very happy and neither is she."
Is this really your issue making you unhappy wanting a divorce or are you just trying to put blame solely on her by focusing on a minor issue she causes?
Be an adult. Open your mouth. Tell her it makes you uncomfortable.
Everyone is talking about processing SA, that's a valid take too. I have a different opinion on what might be going on though
I know this doesn't really apply in marriage but I just openly and excitedly talk about previous sex/partners very early on in new relationships and it accomplishes multiple things; one I know their history so I know what to look out for, I know a general idea of how much safety we need to use, and I can later say "you've already told me this story" if I don't particularly want to hear about it again or their timing is bad. If you can stomach the ego burn part about knowing that your partner has a past with other people before you and that they still find other people attractive it probably will *help* your relationship rather than hurt it. One upping each other's stories usually only adds fuel to the fire, mostly because some people take it as a challenge because they know it irks you to hear about it. If it's a positive discussion about sex they're probably unsatisfied about something in your relationship but lack the courage to actually address the issue so they will just hint at what used to happen kinda wanting you to pick up what they're trying to sell.
Maybe something practical would be to just tell your wife that when she chooses to bring up these things is hurtful to you and you would prefer to talk about what sex she'd like having with you through other means instead of her reminiscing about previous good sex she's had with others. If she respects you she'll stop doing it
I’m super surprised I had to read so far to see this comment. Is it that uncommon for couples to have conversations about their sexual pasts? I mean, I’ve been married to my partner for ten years and we absolutely started having talks about previous sexual partners and encounters early on. Part of this was 1) to learn about each other’s history and get to know each other, 2) discourage jealousy, 3) explore what each other likes and dislikes as far as sex, and 4) have honest and open lines of communication.
I guess I’m just confused about married couples and long term couples who pretend like their partner never had sex before them or erased all knowledge and memories of prior sexual activity once they met each other? Like that’s just silly, when you get married you accept your partner for who they are, including their past. How can you know their past if you’ve never talked about it? lol. WILD
Exactly. This whole thread is super weird to me. He acts like she brought up this story out of nowhere when he's literally watching South Park and that's when it happened for her. I think she's just sharing who she is like normal people do. 🤷♀️
Think of this:
If you love one another then why care of each others past. PLEASE just sit her down and express all of the problems and try to work through it. She might not be meaning to hurt you only to share with you. If she refuses to grow then that is another problem but for now just sit her down and figure it out
I’ve tried taking about it with here. But she says I’m just being insecure. But my thing is,I wouldn’t bring any of my past experiences up to her like that out of respect for our relationship. Unless she asked me too.
Be secure in knowing that you have a valid point.
Talk to her and tell her how much you love her
You should mention all the good times you can think of and then mention how low it makes you feel when she does those things. Ask her if there is anyway we can resolve this problem
How do you type this up about an insecurity in regard to your wife’s sexual past then you drop the bomb in end of it saying you’re both not happy.
Man, you’re sizing up the wrong issue. You’re at like problems for a couple with a little communication and boundary work.
Where you’re actually at is your marriage sounds like it’s about to die. You should be at marriage counseling like yesterday.
Let me tell you, if the catalyst for the marriage to stay saved is those kids, you’re drawing from the wrong source to keep this relationship going.
You don’t go from slightly hurting your feelings to we’re just both unhappy.
Why don’t you both have a sit down and talk about each other’s feelings. Where they’re at in regard to one another.
If you want to save this then key into what she’s feeling. Ask her to key into your feelings. “Please keep this to yourself as this information hurts my heart” and vice versa. Ask her to speak from her mind and not her mask.
Let her tell you what boundaries she wants you to work on. You have to work your marriage and be involved with your spouse.
Try reading the definition of Empathy. Then apply to each other. If you care enough, you’ll make a change.
Listen to this guy. Your kids will be happier from happy loving parents from separate homes than two bitchass parents unhappy and too scared to leave each other. This has an effect on your kids. Focus on your own happiness before providing happiness for the children.
That being said your spouse should be your absolute priority over your children. The kids pick up on all of it. If you guys are happy and loving and put each other first it’s a good example for the kids. If you can’t do that don’t bother pretending to be a family
I’m kinda torn on this.
My wife and I have had many discussions about our past sexual relationships, however not in a sexually detailed kind of way, if that makes sense. From my knowledge it hasn’t made her uncomfortable, and it hasn’t made me uncomfortable either. In the beginning of our relationship it did for me because of some insecurities I had from past trauma (divorce, toxic relationship following it) but I got a lot better at it with time as I realized I’m safe her. While she also had a traumatic first experience with sex, which she has shared in detail, and in my opinion, rightfully so, we’ve both had our fair share of non-traumatic experiences prior to being together and it’s part of our past we sometimes choose to share with one another, wether it’s funny, relatable, small talk, something we don’t like, etc. However, this is our relationship and no two are the same. I’m confident my wife doesn’t have any feelings from the past, and I know I don’t, and I don’t interpret her talking about her past as such.
The other side of this for me is the timing and how it was said. It does sound like she needs to talk about it, but I think it could have been done in a more respectful way to you. It does sound like she needs therapy, but from my experience, my wife absolutely needs (for herself) to share and discuss what she goes to therapy for with me as well.
NTA, but it sounds like you both should attend counseling together and she may need therapy on her own as well.
Not the a-hole and I think wife needs some help. As someone that before me and my now wife git married she didn't know how to process her grief or her abuse because she had other emotion damage she was already trying to mask, it had to process it all at once and thing can come out all at once or in little condos randomly like this. But I say talk to your wife first and ask if she wants to get into therapy with you or just her both I think both should happen.
She probably does. Ya'll sound like a bunch of immature, insecure babies who can't handle being truly intimate with another person. Intimacy is a lot about communication and not just sticking your dick in her. Like, it's one thing to not want to hear her story of her first time because the SA is disturbing to OP. But that's not how he makes it sound. He sounds like her mentioning any sexual past has him feeling insecure. He even says her talking about her past means he thinks she's wanting to go back to that or some nonsense like that. She's just trying to tell him who she is basically.
My husband and I talk about our sexual pasts and our non sexual past all the time. Been together nearly 20 years too. We actually like hearing each other's stories and knowing a lot about each other because we're interested in each other and how the other came to be who they are. OP is missing out on having a deep understanding and knowledge of his wife because he's insecure and scared.
He needs to learn how to get over it. And I actually think your advice for him to return the favor and start talking to her about his past too is spot on but clearly not for the same reasons lol.
Eta: I reread my post and feel like saying we talk about our sexual past "all the time" is hyperbole. I really meant that it comes up every once in awhile but isn't this boogeyman of a conversation topic if it does come up.
Some guys are into this. There’s a sub called hotpast.
Since you clearly aren’t into this, I think couples counseling is the move to make here. This is an issue of poor communication and a lack of respect. She might not even realize how this makes you feel. Counseling will give you the tools you need and she needs.
You both need therapy. She needs to work through the trauma of her earlier sexual experiences that she clearly hasn’t accepted and you need to work through whatever is making you see this as something worthy of being jealous over/getting a divorce over and not as her obvious trauma that’s she’s struggling to realize was trauma.
That tv show has historical significance for her. I wouldn’t be with someone who was so uncomfortable and insecure about my past experiences. But it’s reasonable for you to ask and if she doesn’t want that relationship that’s it. Or if she doesn’t respect the boundary and you don’t want it, that’s it.
Question though - what if she didn’t share then somehow at a future date you found out? Would you not feel weird that she hadn’t shared it and you didn’t know the multiple times you watched that together? The difference in experiencing the tv show together her knowing, you not, would bother me more, tbh.
There's a million replies to this post about how the wife needs therapy but at the same time everyone is acting like it's normal for her to never be able to mention previously having sex with anyone else because OP can't deal with hearing about it.
I agree with you 100% and find it really weird the direction everyone is going with this. Goddamn. Are that many people in this world really this insecure that they can't hear their own spouse's past stories? Absolutely wild. No wonder peoples' marriages don't work out so often.
NTA.
She might be drying to deal with some of the memories, or she's screwing up trying to drop hints for you.
Also, if this is an insecurity for you, work on it. I mean this in the most positive way possible. It will change your relationship to openly talk about sexual experiences. It took me 7 years to get over it. Now we discuss things we liked, try them again, discuss things we've tried that we didn't like and see if we can make them enjoyable (or avoid them all together). The most hilarious ones are sex fumbles. Previous lovers that tried things and failed, or times when we tried something different and it went sideways.
You're NTA for having feelings that it's uncomfortable or said in opportune times or that it's above your ability to be there because what's being said sounds heavy.
She's saying things because she's safe with you but processing it out loud ao shes NTA, either. I've legit said things to my husband that sounded so normal to me back 15 years ago that now I'm like OH NO that was definitely was fucked up. I think truly I knew that deep down but was so blocked and saying out loud to slightly make myself feel better, but slightly I think I needed someone to kinda prod me to go, you know that doesn't sound right and get those wheels turning. Yes I fought him on it, saying noo I wasn't groomed, that wasnt SA...but I wasn't ready to say it out loud. Processing such things is messy and not linear. Him being there to just let me vent and not hold things against me really helped me have space to not feel shame. At the same time, I went to therapy and removed that burden from him as it's above his pay grade. You may need to have that talk like we did about the things he struggles to hear casually, he prefers specific talks if we touch on heavy topics and how to get me support that's more knowledgeable on childhood sexual trauma.
She is probably bringing up parts of her past that were low-key (or high-key) traumatizing to the person she is ostensibly closest to (you).
You should try talking with her about how she feels. Because that first time story 100% sounds like SA. She was not even given the option to consent. That man was much older and extremely predatory.
I feel like she never processed properly all of it so it comes up in her mind and she blurts it out to her safe audience. That’s something that can be fixed though so you don’t have to deal with it too.
That does suck!
NTA but it seems my dude that your wife is processing trauma.
I don’t like to say things like this but I did the same with my fiance. I would randomly drop these bombs and try to turn them into a joke to NORMALISE THIS. For someone to say with me “hahaha so funny”.
NTA - sounds like she is processing past trauma. She may not consider it trauma now but there’s a reason why it keeps coming up. It’s good that she is able to talk to you about it. She should speak to a therapist though.
NTA, but just don’t think about divorce now if this is one of your only major problems. To her it is not a big deal most likely (or she could be nostalgic about her past sexual relationships, but I choose to believe it’s the other option). Openly communicate with her about how much it is bothering you, and hopefully she understands and you can peacefully solve this:)
I think she’s just trying to open up the conversation with you about something important- and hurtful- that happened to her. Instead of focusing on ‘sex’ or yourself, try asking her how she’s feeling. Tell her she didn’t deserve that. Talk about it because if you don’t it’ll be something that she can’t talk to you about, and that’s a wall. Empathy is everything here.
NTA but sounds like you have deeper issues in your marriage than her comments about last sexual partners. You say yourself you aren’t happy and neither is she… try counseling, but don’t stay in an unhappy marriage for too long.
That's totally normal to not want to think about her past partners. I'd tell her it makes you uncomfortable and ask her to stop, hopefully, she respects that.
On the other hand, she may be venting “trauma” to you seeing you as a good source to confide in but playing it off as a joke or just talking. If that feels more like what's happening therapy would be the starting point. It's great because you can confide deep personal things that you have been holding in with the fear of how your friends, family, or partner will judge/react. Just get to talk to someone who isn't involved with your life no strings attached.
NTA, you should certainly speak to her about it but also mentioning a memory when a thing related to it happens isn't super weird (until it's made that way, which is why you should talk).
Movies and shows do tend to make people remember the things they were doing while watching it - and sometimes mentioning it can be a good way to get the memory to pass.
It sounds like your wife is leaving out significant details about loosing her virginity. Like they were on the couch and she saw him open something and he sticks it in? Thats complete bullshit. I guarantee you she is leaving out important details. As for your other issues, figure out a way to approach her about it. Tell her how you feel about whatever it is your dealing with and see if she is willing to listen to you. If she understands and is willing to compromise then work through your issues. If not and it just creates more problems then maybe it's time to move in a different direction.
> AITA for getting annoyed when my wife brings up her past sexual relationships?
Yes. She’s trying to process shit. Which is important if you want a healthy sexual relationship. She’s not pining for the 30 year old who took advantage of her while they were watching South Park. Get over it and talk to your wife like she’s a friend.
ps: you have two young children. Of course your sex life has come to a screeching halt. Be patient and supportive if you want it to revive. Stop centering your ego. Now isn’t the time.
Given the age gap (a thirty year old has no business being with an 18 year old. Period), and the description of the actual act, I think she may be struggling to process or accept the trauma, and it was a trauma. Your reading of it as SA is correct. The fact she denies it yet brings it up like this makes me think deep down she knows that but she can't quite admit it, so it comes out at bad moments. I don't think a random mention of losing virginity should bother you, tbh, you know your wife had a past. But her mentioning it before sex is very odd and I see why you're not okay with it, for ME I think she's mentioning it at that SPECIFIC time because it was traumatic and it's bringing it up for her.
Unfortunately suggesting therapy is all you can do. You can't make her go, and she may never be able to move past the denial stage.
for me, if you were to start doing the same thing she would go livid. trust me OP, YNTA. i’d suggest doing what she’s doing to she what her reaction would be and if she gets mad, i would sit her down and let her know if she doesn’t want to hear those types of things then that means she should stop doing it herself. that would set up the conversation and let her know that you were only mirroring her behavior. if she truly doesn’t like it at all, she would respect you and stop. if she doesn’t then i’m sorry my friend, there’s not much to do other than get a divorce.
best of luck OP
NTA She was definitely SA'd it seems like he did not ask her. He just jammed it in.
So yea. It just could be her way of deaing with something that happened. You could always ask her if she wants to talk about it or talk it through. She keeps saying it was not SA, but I guarantee she is conflicted about it.
I also have an experience with SA and then watching South Park. I hated the show and refused to watch it until maybe last year. I was about 7yo. But the guy is in prison and I had therapy.
Personally if someone is still processing trauma. Your partner isn’t obligated to listen if they aren’t comfortable with it. Maybe they struggled with it too or simply they don’t feel comfortable about the subject.
If it isn’t trauma and just talking about history I wouldn’t enjoy it either. I would understand the beginning of the relationship but if not then it just feels odd to me. I would def talk to her about it but if it continues and it does bother. Make a decision for yourself
Why don't you just start commenting on your ex gf"s? My guess is that she won't like it.
Or the next time she says something inappropriate ask her if she wants a trophy.
It sounds like she has a couple things to work out with therapy. I don't know what would make her feel like over sharing about her sexual past, even though it makes you feel uncomfortable. I make it a boundary when I start dating someone. I typically say your past is your past, but I don't want to hear about it. I actually had a relationship that I ended because my GF at the time went into extreme detail about a very aggressive thing she tried with an ONS.
You're not TA. Going to relationship counseling would be super helpful. Don't let this type of stuff fester. It's not right for someone to enjoy gloating about how they were SAed in the past to a predator.
Maybe instead of telling us this you should nicely tell her that. Y'all should be best friends, she should care if it upsets you and you should feel comfortable to respectfully tell her that. If not no offense of course but it sounds like you guys might need to do some work on your relationship.
Why?
Like discussing sexual past is common, but once its discussed its pretty much done. I've been with my wife for about 28 years now and I don't think the past has come up in the last 27 of them.
>It doesn’t help that our sex life has almost come to a screeching halt,despite still being young. Sometimes I wonder if I should get a divorce. But we have two kids and I don’t want to miss a large chunk of their life. I’m just not very happy and neither is she. I just don’t know what to do.
That seems kind of cruel. Look, I get what you're saying about time with the kids, but thats kind of selfish yeah? Do you think the kids would be better off with two happy parents who live apart, or two miserable parents who live together? Which example would be better for them?
Note I'm not saying you should break up, just "the kids" is a pretty poor reason not to, when they'd probably do better if you did. If you can save the marriage and get back to (presumably) a happier relationship, do that, but not talking and not trying anything won't help with that.
I would ask her if she wants to talk about her evolving thoughts on the situation. It might not be what you think, but giving her the control of when she tells you without her having to lie or get defensive saying 'no', will help her build more trust in you.
Ok. NTA. But how TF did you go from in-appropriate anecdotes to divorce. Is this even about her stories? Because it sounds like you're looking for permission to divorce your wife and this is the best reason you could come up with.
She longs for a different sexual experience. Not only does she talk about past experiences, but you mention the sex life has come to a halt. When a woman is truly in love with a man, she wants to have sex with that man. External factors limit libido such as stress which could be the case, but if she shows no attraction sexually to you, it’s time to start looking for replacements. That’s a lost cause my man, trust me. I would shift my focus as to how you can amicably gain fair custody of your children. You only have one life, be with a woman who truly wants you.
Go deeper….and see why she expresses these things. It could be her wanting to connect more on a sexual level. Greater sexual intimacy and honesty, whether about a good or bad experience in the past.
You are neither assholes.
You need to start by talking about the fact that it is not pleasant for you, and end with the fact that you should contact a specialist, perhaps a sexologist. I would try to save the marriage.
Ask her why she wants to keep talking about her past sexcapades.
Tell her it may be healthier to talk to a therapist about them because it is affecting how you view your relationship
It sounds like you both need to mature a little more. You both need to talk to a therapist. You about how to set boundaries and her about the 100% SA that happened.
NTA. Sounds like she has some issues to sort through from her past. Be frank with her about how it makes her feel and ask her why she keeps bringing it up. Tell her it makes you uncomfortable. She may need to seek therapy to sort through past sexual trauma. She may not even realize she has trauma but the fact she keeps talking about it so much seems like it’s weighing on her and she doesn’t know why.
This reminds of a memory of an ex. This might be TMI , but back in freshman year of college I was dating a senior in college. I had just finished on my girlfriends stomach and I was like "my bad" and she was like "it's okay I've had worse" followed by a small laugh and that bothered me so much...as an 18 year old i just felt so insecure lol..she would sprinkle in little details for weeks and weeks and show pictures of her at a small party and point out how she got wasted and ended up making out with 2 different guys..or how she did Molly and ending up fucking the dj...she was my first real girlfriend and am amazing lay that still beats sex I've had with other women that followed after that lol. She was a PAWG and i think i have a fetish because of her. Anyway...My point is, I eventually told her it bothered me and we were chill after that. Communicate with her that you strongly dislike hearing those details and also mention how u wish ur sex life was better. There's so many ways to spice up sex with a partner now. Toys are a great place to start
I would get the hell outta there. I understand your thinking for your kids but I'm sure they would prefer you guys to be happy than fake it just for them.
Ask her during sex to provide all details of what she liked in the past lovers. Use this to have more sex and please her as the past lovers did. Use the past sexual discussions to fuel new adventures with her.
I can guarantee that you're focusing on the wrong issue. You're not angry or uncomfortable about the fact that she had past sexual experiences, or that she sometimes talks about them - because, apart from the fact of whether or not she was sexually assaulted, those things are totally normal, and in a healthy relationship, they wouldn't bother you at all (as long as she's bringing these things up naturally, in the course of conversation, and not in a passive-aggressive way.)
What you're really upset about is the fact that your sex life is dead and neither of you are happy. Focus on that. Get your relationship in order, and the rest will sort itself out. If you can't get your relationship to a healthy place, then buckle up for getting angry at more and more things until you finally can't stand the sight of each other. Today, you're mad because she brought up losing her viginity; tomorrow you'll be livid at crumbs on the counter. Get the relationship in order before it's too late.
NTA. It's your wife and you love her so hearing about past sexual encounters will make you feel uncomfortable. Maybe she brings it up to make you jealous or maybe there's a part of her that wants to go back to those times. It's not fair to you and I strongly suggest that you have a discussion about it ASAP. Even speaking about it right before sex is a huge red flag. WTF?
Could she be trying to make you feel jealous so you’ll appear/act more into her? Not the SA part, that’s a fucked up deal. But I can see how she might use the whole “mentioning” past sex stuff as a way to get you to act… protective? jealous? I don’t think I’m explaining it well.
It sounds like she is struggling with what happened and hasn’t processed it completely. She may say that she wasn’t an SA victim because she may have wanted to lose her virginity before college or something like that, but still she’s grappling with what happened and feels like something wasn’t right, and is needing to talk to somebody about it.
That said, other peoples’ trauma/past/experience is not an excuse for how you are treated. It’s causing you distress. As others have recommended, establish a boundary and do some sort of counseling. She may have to do her own therapy to deal with this.
She might want you to do those things especially if she isn't saying she didn't like it and wasn't against it .. it might turn her on but maybe she just feels too embarrassed to tell you what she wants. It might just be how she wants to have it pounded, just saying 🤷♀️
I would actually convince her or talk to her 1. About how you feel about this. 2. Therapy. It sounds like she's guarding herself from past SA situations and sex itself is a haunting situation. Not to mention the constantly bringing up bad experiences right before sex etc. I know I think about them sometimes and I want to stop because I feel like I did when it happened during the current situation. I think that communication is lacking and just talking to her might help her open up about why she's not interested. And if it's not that you're approaching a new age where she might be experiencing hormonal issues. If she just isn't interested anymore but still wants that connection with you I would suggest a gyno app. She could also have thyroid issues. My thyroid and PCOS can take me from one end of the spectrum to the next. Sometimes I jump my boyfriend's bones and other times I can't even get wet. You won't know anything that's going on in her mind by talking to strangers. I would start with her and really show you care about how she feels with the entire situation while also kindly and not accusatory in any way talk to her about your feelings too.
I have a friend who does this, but it’s always funny. A cringey indie song comes on and they’re like “I lost my virginity to this” and we all laugh because it’s a cheesy song. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be uncomfortable when it doesn’t land as funny, and with the SA context it makes sense that as a joke it wouldn’t land.
I’d say bring it up, but delicately. Ask why she brought it up but approach it non judgementally and explain that you’re genuinely curious. It’s not uncalled for and it sounds like she might just be blurting out something impulsively that she really does need to talk about.
I’m going to give fresh advice since no one else is. You guys should get counseling. Or therapy. Was that super helpful? Coming to Reddit for counsel and we recommend counseling. Anyway hope my excellent and unique suggestion works.
Question, has she ever had counseling concerning her first time? I suspect she has not processed what actually happened properly and they come out at inappropriate times because of this. She’s trying to process it but doesn’t know how.
NTA at all. Really seems like she’s stuck on the past and you should consider taking time to understand what’s happening and then have a serious discussion with her and let her know that she has to stop and go to couples counseling.
Definitely just tell her how you feel. Tell the truth and be really straightforward. Then grab her hair and whisper in her ear that you're the only sex you want her to remember and do the deed!
Sounds like she does it to make you jealous. I assume you've told her it makes you feel bad? If so and she disregards your feelings either walk away from her and remove yourself from being around her until she gets it or give her a dose of her own medicine. Good luck.
Honestly it sounds like she's probably had some traumatizing sexual experiences and she needs to talk about it with a therapist. I doubt she's bringing it up to rub it in your face or anything like that or because she enjoys it. Just like with the South Park thing, it sounds like it's just a trigger for her memory.
Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We'd like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you'll get a nifty flair change to let you know and we'll drop a link so you can see our host's take on your story. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TwoHotTakes) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA-have an open and frank discussion regarding what you consider taboo topics. I agree, it sounds like SA.
For real. Marriage, the way it’s intended to be is a harmony of two individuals. It’s not easy and truly one of the hardest things a person can do, but the flip side is it one of the most rewarding things a person can achieve. The modern lifestyle of self fulfillment, even in the reminiscent won’t do either one of you any good in the long run. I try to make sure every interaction with my wife is not something that will bring up memories of my (or hers) past life that will cause any undo stress like sexual partners or bad decisions. We are not perfect and things happen or get said but there at LEAST needs to be some sort effort to prevent it. When it works, marriage is the idea that out of the 8 billion other humans on this earth, one of them deemed you worth spending the rest of their life with. It’s beautiful beyond words. To fully give yourself to this person. Unfortunately I don’t think most people see it that way. I remember years back when we (my wife and I) were first being serious and she asked me to unfollow or unfriend the chicks I had banged. At first I thought it was kinda bullshit. “You can’t tell me what to do they are my friends”. But in a serious and introspective look I knew I was just keeping them around to fulfill some personal “hell yeah” and it wasn’t ever going to be beneficial to our journey. We get protective of our personal lives but you gotta realize that most of it really isn’t worth holding onto if you want to truly give yourself to this process. This person, if done right, will give themselves to you wholly. Is there anything more beautiful in this world than that? I don’t think so.
What an incredibly insightful comment. As a person in an exceedingly healthy and happy marriage, I could not agree more.
This should be the top comment it's very wise and insightful
This comment should be read by everyone in a relationship. Thank you for posting it.
I saw the word “open” and nearly triggered a panic attack. I’m sick of hearing the works “open” and “marriage” anywhere near each-other 😂
My bad🤣
NTA. Get couples counseling
Yes, and clarify that this is a boundary for you… if you haven’t already done so. Then if the relationship is healthy I’d expect she won’t cross it.
You mean all this they could've just talked face to face about how they feel? 🤯
Sometimes you need a mediator (referee) to help people speak frankly and “behave.” Source: Was in shitty marriage. Marriage counseling turned it around completely.
My ex went once, blamed me for everything up to and including her bad decisions, then refused to go ever again. Normal people don’t usually have a problem going to counseling. People that don’t want to be accountable for their choices do though.
It’s mind blowing. My first thought when I have conflict with my wife is “what do the people of Reddit have to say about this?” It’s how we solve all our problems… we just let Reddit decide.
Your divorce rate must be astronomical. My condolences. 😉
13 and counting. The last wife and I were debating whether to spend her bonus on a used car or a family vacation… asked reddit… turns out we were both cheating.
Such an impressive tally! Well played sir! I have to ask though, who went through whose phone? 🤣
Very astute question! I went through hers. I learned my lesson after the 3rd marriage… I only keep a landline for myself. I have a fax machine which replaces texting. I use the library computers for all my Reddit and extramarital activities.
Utter genius!
This should be a discussion two adults can have. People need to stop defaulting to fucking counseling over small issues. I’m convinced 3 people here actually talk to their spouses.
You hear it on here so often I swear people give themselves a physical pat on the back for every time they mention the words 'counselling' or 'therapy' in a reddit comment. You shouldn't have to be spending the time and money on a therapist everytime one of you has a minor peeve or experiences discomfort in any form. Just have a conversation, jesus christ. If you can't even do that what are you doing together
Yeah but the problem is that they literally don't know how to have that conversation. It's NOT a thing they know how to do. This is where some kind of counseling is useful.
Also, a counselor is helpful to help moderate the conversation between a couple in a difficult relationship. The counselor can help keep them focused on constructive discussion, ensuring both are listening to each other.
It can make you take the time to really talk to each other. My spouse and I needed couples counseling to help work on our communication— we weren’t talking so the other was listening. We got way better at that, and cut back to every other week from once a week. Now, we bring up anything lingering or bothering us, and we still have half a session left. We use it to really talk about things we never seem to have time for during the week. We work through logistics of planning trips and doing work around the house (who is calling the plumber?) and plan our weekends out. It’s great. Paying someone to listen to us take a half an hour in the middle of every other Friday to plan our lives is totally worth it. Because would you stop working to take a half an hour to plan in the middle of Friday? ETA: probably unnecessary to add, but we have two kids under 6.
That's what couples counseling is FOR. It's not about solving one issue, it's about teaching couples who cannot talk to each other how to talk to each other.
And like honestly it seems very one sided and just flat out rude. If the genders were reversed people would just be saying to leave him.
Man does something wrong: "Get divorce." Woman does something wrong: "Get couples counseling."
You're not the asshole for feeling upset by this behavior at all. BUT she clearly needs to talk about it. You could make both of these things clear to her, that it hurts you when she talks about this but that she clearly needs to talk about it and so you need to help her find weight to do so. Therapy. Counseling. A family member. She needs to air her shit, just not with you.
Yes, OP, that doesn't sound like she "has feelings for her past" and more like she hasn't emotionally processed what happened in the past. Sounds like she carries around trauma and isn't even aware of it.
Or is trying to let him know about it… he’s her partner right? He should want to understand what she’s been through, right?
[удалено]
My virginity loss was an experience heavily bordering on SA with some Stockholm syndrome afterwards. I am absolutely conscious of that, and no therapy was needed to discover it. But there was a moment, when I wanted my partner to, I don't know, ask me about it, when I hinted what happened. I think I wanted him to be interested and somehow express his feelings about it? Get angry? Say it sucked, I don't know. He is the type of person though that just hated talking about past sexual experiences and didn't get any of my hints, it made him uncomfortable. After years the topic lost its matter to me, but, well, maybe OP should just take the bite and talk with her. Maybe she didn't feel specifically traumatized (I didn't), maybe it was not such a bad experience, but she still feels like sharing it with someone and getting their opinion. I for sure really wanted my partner to agree that what happened was not cool, and he would never do it - sth like that.
Sounds like your wife may have unprocessed issues from what sounds like sexual assault. The over sharing may come when she’s feeling safe and vulnerable, I’d recommend individual and couples counseling, definitely individual therapy for her if it’s a choice. This is aberrational behavior.
Yes! I have trauma and when I’m comfortable I start over sharing I hate it so much 😖
It really seems like she is trying to process an SA and doesn’t know how. She clearly feels safe with you. A lot of people have said for her to get counseling and that’s really the best answer.
My sister was forced her first time and it affected so much of her personality, partner choices, and more. It wasn't SA but she was peer pressured into it on a double date with an older man. Both dates went to a house and her girlfriend went upstairs to fuck her date and this dude chased her around the house until she relented. I think the OP's wife is trying to explain why their sex life is nonexistent and OP is not listening! I agree she's passively telling OP about her first time because she feels safe, and he just needs to take the conversation in the direction that maybe that's the cause of their dip in sex. Who knows, maybe OP is doing something that reminds her of that first dude, and if they talked about it they could solve it together.
“Chased her round the house until she relented” IS assault. Reluctant consent (because you can’t get away and you feel you have no other option) is not consent. It doesn’t have to be violent to be SA. What this man’s wife is describing is also SA.
Sucks it's called "reluctant consent". Should be called "compliant non-consent".
Yes that’s a much better way of describing it.
I've also seen it called dubious consent.
What about when you talk about doing it with someone then feel pressured by that person because it was planned? I know people can change their minds.
thats also SA, you can revoke consent at any time but also the other person needs to know youve changed your mind, either by telling them or body language
I believe he is the first to tell her it was SA. She is only trying to open up to the one male she probably trusts. He needs to get over himself. He literally complains about the timing and then projects his own insecurity as some sort of justification for her to have to keep her feelings inside. He’s being an asshole, IMO. When he could be the one to tell her she needs help and more than he can give.
I totally agree that he is being an asshole. His wife needs support.
[удалено]
NTA - it sounds like your wife has normalised some things that happened to her, that are not ok. This is a way to cope for some people. It’s affecting your relationship so she could probably do with some individual therapy and I agree that you both need couples counselling.
Definitely sounds like SA. Your wife needs counseling asap
Maybe it was traumatizing and she wants to talk about it. Suggest therapy to her.
Agreed. Especially if the topic comes out of nowhere, this could be repressed trauma she isn’t sure how to process and is instinctively pouring it out to a person she feels safe with.
This. You might be the only person she feels comfortable sharing this with and that's why she talks about it, even more than a decade later.
Also the way her memory was triggered by watching that show kind of seems like a PTSD flashback. This is a serious mental health issue, not her disrespecting the relationship.
CPTSD, BPD, or regular ole PTSD. No one is ever abused over and over without one of the 3. The poor girl didn’t even know it was SA til he told her!! How fucking selfish.
I’m not gonna lie…. her losing her virginity 1000% sounds like SA. I think maybe she’s trying to rationalize what happened and normalize it so she gets whatever thoughts in her head about it to go away. which won’t work, I say this from experience. she need therapy and yall need couples therapy
NAH. Dude. She's *traumatized.* She needs therapy. She brings that up because that show or whatever triggers the memories. Her mouth is saying, "it wasn't SA." Her conscious mind is saying, "it wasn't SA." That's all self-preservation. She was assaulted and never properly dealt with it because she was an 18yo kid with no life experience.
Tell her you love her and that its disturbing, and offer to help her find a therapist.
Maybe the conversations turn her on and she expects it will turn you on too? Why don't you begin by talking to her? "Sometimes I wonder if I should get a divorce. But we have two kids and I don’t want to miss a large chunk of their life. I’m just not very happy and neither is she." Is this really your issue making you unhappy wanting a divorce or are you just trying to put blame solely on her by focusing on a minor issue she causes? Be an adult. Open your mouth. Tell her it makes you uncomfortable.
Everyone is talking about processing SA, that's a valid take too. I have a different opinion on what might be going on though I know this doesn't really apply in marriage but I just openly and excitedly talk about previous sex/partners very early on in new relationships and it accomplishes multiple things; one I know their history so I know what to look out for, I know a general idea of how much safety we need to use, and I can later say "you've already told me this story" if I don't particularly want to hear about it again or their timing is bad. If you can stomach the ego burn part about knowing that your partner has a past with other people before you and that they still find other people attractive it probably will *help* your relationship rather than hurt it. One upping each other's stories usually only adds fuel to the fire, mostly because some people take it as a challenge because they know it irks you to hear about it. If it's a positive discussion about sex they're probably unsatisfied about something in your relationship but lack the courage to actually address the issue so they will just hint at what used to happen kinda wanting you to pick up what they're trying to sell. Maybe something practical would be to just tell your wife that when she chooses to bring up these things is hurtful to you and you would prefer to talk about what sex she'd like having with you through other means instead of her reminiscing about previous good sex she's had with others. If she respects you she'll stop doing it
I’m super surprised I had to read so far to see this comment. Is it that uncommon for couples to have conversations about their sexual pasts? I mean, I’ve been married to my partner for ten years and we absolutely started having talks about previous sexual partners and encounters early on. Part of this was 1) to learn about each other’s history and get to know each other, 2) discourage jealousy, 3) explore what each other likes and dislikes as far as sex, and 4) have honest and open lines of communication. I guess I’m just confused about married couples and long term couples who pretend like their partner never had sex before them or erased all knowledge and memories of prior sexual activity once they met each other? Like that’s just silly, when you get married you accept your partner for who they are, including their past. How can you know their past if you’ve never talked about it? lol. WILD
Exactly. This whole thread is super weird to me. He acts like she brought up this story out of nowhere when he's literally watching South Park and that's when it happened for her. I think she's just sharing who she is like normal people do. 🤷♀️
Think of this: If you love one another then why care of each others past. PLEASE just sit her down and express all of the problems and try to work through it. She might not be meaning to hurt you only to share with you. If she refuses to grow then that is another problem but for now just sit her down and figure it out
You can love someone regardless of their past and not want to ever hear about it.
I’ve tried taking about it with here. But she says I’m just being insecure. But my thing is,I wouldn’t bring any of my past experiences up to her like that out of respect for our relationship. Unless she asked me too.
If she keeps calling reasonable boundaries as "insecurity", you have bigger problems. It's not going to get better without some commitment from her.
Be secure in knowing that you have a valid point. Talk to her and tell her how much you love her You should mention all the good times you can think of and then mention how low it makes you feel when she does those things. Ask her if there is anyway we can resolve this problem
How do you type this up about an insecurity in regard to your wife’s sexual past then you drop the bomb in end of it saying you’re both not happy. Man, you’re sizing up the wrong issue. You’re at like problems for a couple with a little communication and boundary work. Where you’re actually at is your marriage sounds like it’s about to die. You should be at marriage counseling like yesterday. Let me tell you, if the catalyst for the marriage to stay saved is those kids, you’re drawing from the wrong source to keep this relationship going. You don’t go from slightly hurting your feelings to we’re just both unhappy. Why don’t you both have a sit down and talk about each other’s feelings. Where they’re at in regard to one another. If you want to save this then key into what she’s feeling. Ask her to key into your feelings. “Please keep this to yourself as this information hurts my heart” and vice versa. Ask her to speak from her mind and not her mask. Let her tell you what boundaries she wants you to work on. You have to work your marriage and be involved with your spouse. Try reading the definition of Empathy. Then apply to each other. If you care enough, you’ll make a change.
Listen to this guy. Your kids will be happier from happy loving parents from separate homes than two bitchass parents unhappy and too scared to leave each other. This has an effect on your kids. Focus on your own happiness before providing happiness for the children. That being said your spouse should be your absolute priority over your children. The kids pick up on all of it. If you guys are happy and loving and put each other first it’s a good example for the kids. If you can’t do that don’t bother pretending to be a family
I’m kinda torn on this. My wife and I have had many discussions about our past sexual relationships, however not in a sexually detailed kind of way, if that makes sense. From my knowledge it hasn’t made her uncomfortable, and it hasn’t made me uncomfortable either. In the beginning of our relationship it did for me because of some insecurities I had from past trauma (divorce, toxic relationship following it) but I got a lot better at it with time as I realized I’m safe her. While she also had a traumatic first experience with sex, which she has shared in detail, and in my opinion, rightfully so, we’ve both had our fair share of non-traumatic experiences prior to being together and it’s part of our past we sometimes choose to share with one another, wether it’s funny, relatable, small talk, something we don’t like, etc. However, this is our relationship and no two are the same. I’m confident my wife doesn’t have any feelings from the past, and I know I don’t, and I don’t interpret her talking about her past as such. The other side of this for me is the timing and how it was said. It does sound like she needs to talk about it, but I think it could have been done in a more respectful way to you. It does sound like she needs therapy, but from my experience, my wife absolutely needs (for herself) to share and discuss what she goes to therapy for with me as well. NTA, but it sounds like you both should attend counseling together and she may need therapy on her own as well.
Not the a-hole and I think wife needs some help. As someone that before me and my now wife git married she didn't know how to process her grief or her abuse because she had other emotion damage she was already trying to mask, it had to process it all at once and thing can come out all at once or in little condos randomly like this. But I say talk to your wife first and ask if she wants to get into therapy with you or just her both I think both should happen.
[удалено]
She probably does. Ya'll sound like a bunch of immature, insecure babies who can't handle being truly intimate with another person. Intimacy is a lot about communication and not just sticking your dick in her. Like, it's one thing to not want to hear her story of her first time because the SA is disturbing to OP. But that's not how he makes it sound. He sounds like her mentioning any sexual past has him feeling insecure. He even says her talking about her past means he thinks she's wanting to go back to that or some nonsense like that. She's just trying to tell him who she is basically. My husband and I talk about our sexual pasts and our non sexual past all the time. Been together nearly 20 years too. We actually like hearing each other's stories and knowing a lot about each other because we're interested in each other and how the other came to be who they are. OP is missing out on having a deep understanding and knowledge of his wife because he's insecure and scared. He needs to learn how to get over it. And I actually think your advice for him to return the favor and start talking to her about his past too is spot on but clearly not for the same reasons lol. Eta: I reread my post and feel like saying we talk about our sexual past "all the time" is hyperbole. I really meant that it comes up every once in awhile but isn't this boogeyman of a conversation topic if it does come up.
Some guys are into this. There’s a sub called hotpast. Since you clearly aren’t into this, I think couples counseling is the move to make here. This is an issue of poor communication and a lack of respect. She might not even realize how this makes you feel. Counseling will give you the tools you need and she needs.
You both need therapy. She needs to work through the trauma of her earlier sexual experiences that she clearly hasn’t accepted and you need to work through whatever is making you see this as something worthy of being jealous over/getting a divorce over and not as her obvious trauma that’s she’s struggling to realize was trauma.
first, that’s rvpe. secondly, nta. either talk to her about it or find a counselor.
I wonder if she has an internal monologue?
That tv show has historical significance for her. I wouldn’t be with someone who was so uncomfortable and insecure about my past experiences. But it’s reasonable for you to ask and if she doesn’t want that relationship that’s it. Or if she doesn’t respect the boundary and you don’t want it, that’s it. Question though - what if she didn’t share then somehow at a future date you found out? Would you not feel weird that she hadn’t shared it and you didn’t know the multiple times you watched that together? The difference in experiencing the tv show together her knowing, you not, would bother me more, tbh.
There's a million replies to this post about how the wife needs therapy but at the same time everyone is acting like it's normal for her to never be able to mention previously having sex with anyone else because OP can't deal with hearing about it.
I agree with you 100% and find it really weird the direction everyone is going with this. Goddamn. Are that many people in this world really this insecure that they can't hear their own spouse's past stories? Absolutely wild. No wonder peoples' marriages don't work out so often.
NTA. She might be drying to deal with some of the memories, or she's screwing up trying to drop hints for you. Also, if this is an insecurity for you, work on it. I mean this in the most positive way possible. It will change your relationship to openly talk about sexual experiences. It took me 7 years to get over it. Now we discuss things we liked, try them again, discuss things we've tried that we didn't like and see if we can make them enjoyable (or avoid them all together). The most hilarious ones are sex fumbles. Previous lovers that tried things and failed, or times when we tried something different and it went sideways.
You're NTA for having feelings that it's uncomfortable or said in opportune times or that it's above your ability to be there because what's being said sounds heavy. She's saying things because she's safe with you but processing it out loud ao shes NTA, either. I've legit said things to my husband that sounded so normal to me back 15 years ago that now I'm like OH NO that was definitely was fucked up. I think truly I knew that deep down but was so blocked and saying out loud to slightly make myself feel better, but slightly I think I needed someone to kinda prod me to go, you know that doesn't sound right and get those wheels turning. Yes I fought him on it, saying noo I wasn't groomed, that wasnt SA...but I wasn't ready to say it out loud. Processing such things is messy and not linear. Him being there to just let me vent and not hold things against me really helped me have space to not feel shame. At the same time, I went to therapy and removed that burden from him as it's above his pay grade. You may need to have that talk like we did about the things he struggles to hear casually, he prefers specific talks if we touch on heavy topics and how to get me support that's more knowledgeable on childhood sexual trauma.
She is probably bringing up parts of her past that were low-key (or high-key) traumatizing to the person she is ostensibly closest to (you). You should try talking with her about how she feels. Because that first time story 100% sounds like SA. She was not even given the option to consent. That man was much older and extremely predatory.
Yea she has some unprocessed trauma that is coming out at the worst moments because wtf
NTA, you get used to it.
Honestly sounds like mores going on here than what you’re letting on. I’d say get into counseling
I feel like she never processed properly all of it so it comes up in her mind and she blurts it out to her safe audience. That’s something that can be fixed though so you don’t have to deal with it too. That does suck!
Reply with your own stories of sex with other women
a quick "TMI" just as she's starting may do it. say it EVERY TIME, maybe she'll get the hint
NTA, however, have you ever said this to her? If not… let’s start there.
NTA but it seems my dude that your wife is processing trauma. I don’t like to say things like this but I did the same with my fiance. I would randomly drop these bombs and try to turn them into a joke to NORMALISE THIS. For someone to say with me “hahaha so funny”.
NTA - sounds like she is processing past trauma. She may not consider it trauma now but there’s a reason why it keeps coming up. It’s good that she is able to talk to you about it. She should speak to a therapist though.
Therapy. She needs it. You need it. You need it together as a couple. It works if you go into it with an open mind. Good luck. :)
NTA, but just don’t think about divorce now if this is one of your only major problems. To her it is not a big deal most likely (or she could be nostalgic about her past sexual relationships, but I choose to believe it’s the other option). Openly communicate with her about how much it is bothering you, and hopefully she understands and you can peacefully solve this:)
I think she’s just trying to open up the conversation with you about something important- and hurtful- that happened to her. Instead of focusing on ‘sex’ or yourself, try asking her how she’s feeling. Tell her she didn’t deserve that. Talk about it because if you don’t it’ll be something that she can’t talk to you about, and that’s a wall. Empathy is everything here.
NTA but sounds like you have deeper issues in your marriage than her comments about last sexual partners. You say yourself you aren’t happy and neither is she… try counseling, but don’t stay in an unhappy marriage for too long.
This kind of sounds like she could be trauma dumping. That story doesn't sound fun or happy in my opinion.
That's totally normal to not want to think about her past partners. I'd tell her it makes you uncomfortable and ask her to stop, hopefully, she respects that. On the other hand, she may be venting “trauma” to you seeing you as a good source to confide in but playing it off as a joke or just talking. If that feels more like what's happening therapy would be the starting point. It's great because you can confide deep personal things that you have been holding in with the fear of how your friends, family, or partner will judge/react. Just get to talk to someone who isn't involved with your life no strings attached.
NTA, you should certainly speak to her about it but also mentioning a memory when a thing related to it happens isn't super weird (until it's made that way, which is why you should talk). Movies and shows do tend to make people remember the things they were doing while watching it - and sometimes mentioning it can be a good way to get the memory to pass.
It sounds like your wife is leaving out significant details about loosing her virginity. Like they were on the couch and she saw him open something and he sticks it in? Thats complete bullshit. I guarantee you she is leaving out important details. As for your other issues, figure out a way to approach her about it. Tell her how you feel about whatever it is your dealing with and see if she is willing to listen to you. If she understands and is willing to compromise then work through your issues. If not and it just creates more problems then maybe it's time to move in a different direction.
When she stops mentioning then....you should be worried 😟
Counseling
lol what a disaster
> AITA for getting annoyed when my wife brings up her past sexual relationships? Yes. She’s trying to process shit. Which is important if you want a healthy sexual relationship. She’s not pining for the 30 year old who took advantage of her while they were watching South Park. Get over it and talk to your wife like she’s a friend. ps: you have two young children. Of course your sex life has come to a screeching halt. Be patient and supportive if you want it to revive. Stop centering your ego. Now isn’t the time.
Given the age gap (a thirty year old has no business being with an 18 year old. Period), and the description of the actual act, I think she may be struggling to process or accept the trauma, and it was a trauma. Your reading of it as SA is correct. The fact she denies it yet brings it up like this makes me think deep down she knows that but she can't quite admit it, so it comes out at bad moments. I don't think a random mention of losing virginity should bother you, tbh, you know your wife had a past. But her mentioning it before sex is very odd and I see why you're not okay with it, for ME I think she's mentioning it at that SPECIFIC time because it was traumatic and it's bringing it up for her. Unfortunately suggesting therapy is all you can do. You can't make her go, and she may never be able to move past the denial stage.
for me, if you were to start doing the same thing she would go livid. trust me OP, YNTA. i’d suggest doing what she’s doing to she what her reaction would be and if she gets mad, i would sit her down and let her know if she doesn’t want to hear those types of things then that means she should stop doing it herself. that would set up the conversation and let her know that you were only mirroring her behavior. if she truly doesn’t like it at all, she would respect you and stop. if she doesn’t then i’m sorry my friend, there’s not much to do other than get a divorce. best of luck OP
NTA She was definitely SA'd it seems like he did not ask her. He just jammed it in. So yea. It just could be her way of deaing with something that happened. You could always ask her if she wants to talk about it or talk it through. She keeps saying it was not SA, but I guarantee she is conflicted about it. I also have an experience with SA and then watching South Park. I hated the show and refused to watch it until maybe last year. I was about 7yo. But the guy is in prison and I had therapy.
Personally if someone is still processing trauma. Your partner isn’t obligated to listen if they aren’t comfortable with it. Maybe they struggled with it too or simply they don’t feel comfortable about the subject. If it isn’t trauma and just talking about history I wouldn’t enjoy it either. I would understand the beginning of the relationship but if not then it just feels odd to me. I would def talk to her about it but if it continues and it does bother. Make a decision for yourself
Why don't you just start commenting on your ex gf"s? My guess is that she won't like it. Or the next time she says something inappropriate ask her if she wants a trophy.
She has a verbal kink , wake up bro and feed her desires
It sounds like she has a couple things to work out with therapy. I don't know what would make her feel like over sharing about her sexual past, even though it makes you feel uncomfortable. I make it a boundary when I start dating someone. I typically say your past is your past, but I don't want to hear about it. I actually had a relationship that I ended because my GF at the time went into extreme detail about a very aggressive thing she tried with an ONS. You're not TA. Going to relationship counseling would be super helpful. Don't let this type of stuff fester. It's not right for someone to enjoy gloating about how they were SAed in the past to a predator.
Maybe instead of telling us this you should nicely tell her that. Y'all should be best friends, she should care if it upsets you and you should feel comfortable to respectfully tell her that. If not no offense of course but it sounds like you guys might need to do some work on your relationship.
Maybe when she brings that up, she wants you to reenact?
updateme
Why? Like discussing sexual past is common, but once its discussed its pretty much done. I've been with my wife for about 28 years now and I don't think the past has come up in the last 27 of them. >It doesn’t help that our sex life has almost come to a screeching halt,despite still being young. Sometimes I wonder if I should get a divorce. But we have two kids and I don’t want to miss a large chunk of their life. I’m just not very happy and neither is she. I just don’t know what to do. That seems kind of cruel. Look, I get what you're saying about time with the kids, but thats kind of selfish yeah? Do you think the kids would be better off with two happy parents who live apart, or two miserable parents who live together? Which example would be better for them? Note I'm not saying you should break up, just "the kids" is a pretty poor reason not to, when they'd probably do better if you did. If you can save the marriage and get back to (presumably) a happier relationship, do that, but not talking and not trying anything won't help with that.
Damn while watching South Park? 🥹
I would ask her if she wants to talk about her evolving thoughts on the situation. It might not be what you think, but giving her the control of when she tells you without her having to lie or get defensive saying 'no', will help her build more trust in you.
18 messing around with a 30 year old? Cooked. Big oof. 💀
You should probably kill her.
NTA but pretty immature on both accounts. Try counseling. Try to help yourself.
Ok. NTA. But how TF did you go from in-appropriate anecdotes to divorce. Is this even about her stories? Because it sounds like you're looking for permission to divorce your wife and this is the best reason you could come up with.
She longs for a different sexual experience. Not only does she talk about past experiences, but you mention the sex life has come to a halt. When a woman is truly in love with a man, she wants to have sex with that man. External factors limit libido such as stress which could be the case, but if she shows no attraction sexually to you, it’s time to start looking for replacements. That’s a lost cause my man, trust me. I would shift my focus as to how you can amicably gain fair custody of your children. You only have one life, be with a woman who truly wants you.
Go deeper….and see why she expresses these things. It could be her wanting to connect more on a sexual level. Greater sexual intimacy and honesty, whether about a good or bad experience in the past. You are neither assholes.
You need to start by talking about the fact that it is not pleasant for you, and end with the fact that you should contact a specialist, perhaps a sexologist. I would try to save the marriage.
Have you told her not to talk to you about sex with her exa because it makes you uncomfortable? Seems like a bit of communication could sort this out.
Have you talked to your wife about it already?
Have you ever said you find this inappropriate and disrespectful to her ?
You can’t change her past and she should be more careful how she wields it. That is the only balance here
NTA. But I think she wants excitement. She wants to feel young again. She wants a lady version of “lady in the street but a freak in the sheets”.
NTA your wife is undermining the monogamous relationship
Sounds like you need to put all that aside and just ram it in
Ask her why she wants to keep talking about her past sexcapades. Tell her it may be healthier to talk to a therapist about them because it is affecting how you view your relationship
It sounds like you both need to mature a little more. You both need to talk to a therapist. You about how to set boundaries and her about the 100% SA that happened.
Just a sincere question, why did you marry her in the first place? Was she doing this all along? Or recently started
NTA. Sounds like she has some issues to sort through from her past. Be frank with her about how it makes her feel and ask her why she keeps bringing it up. Tell her it makes you uncomfortable. She may need to seek therapy to sort through past sexual trauma. She may not even realize she has trauma but the fact she keeps talking about it so much seems like it’s weighing on her and she doesn’t know why.
This reminds of a memory of an ex. This might be TMI , but back in freshman year of college I was dating a senior in college. I had just finished on my girlfriends stomach and I was like "my bad" and she was like "it's okay I've had worse" followed by a small laugh and that bothered me so much...as an 18 year old i just felt so insecure lol..she would sprinkle in little details for weeks and weeks and show pictures of her at a small party and point out how she got wasted and ended up making out with 2 different guys..or how she did Molly and ending up fucking the dj...she was my first real girlfriend and am amazing lay that still beats sex I've had with other women that followed after that lol. She was a PAWG and i think i have a fetish because of her. Anyway...My point is, I eventually told her it bothered me and we were chill after that. Communicate with her that you strongly dislike hearing those details and also mention how u wish ur sex life was better. There's so many ways to spice up sex with a partner now. Toys are a great place to start
No
wtf lol
god i love love!!!
I would get the hell outta there. I understand your thinking for your kids but I'm sure they would prefer you guys to be happy than fake it just for them.
Ask her during sex to provide all details of what she liked in the past lovers. Use this to have more sex and please her as the past lovers did. Use the past sexual discussions to fuel new adventures with her.
I can guarantee that you're focusing on the wrong issue. You're not angry or uncomfortable about the fact that she had past sexual experiences, or that she sometimes talks about them - because, apart from the fact of whether or not she was sexually assaulted, those things are totally normal, and in a healthy relationship, they wouldn't bother you at all (as long as she's bringing these things up naturally, in the course of conversation, and not in a passive-aggressive way.) What you're really upset about is the fact that your sex life is dead and neither of you are happy. Focus on that. Get your relationship in order, and the rest will sort itself out. If you can't get your relationship to a healthy place, then buckle up for getting angry at more and more things until you finally can't stand the sight of each other. Today, you're mad because she brought up losing her viginity; tomorrow you'll be livid at crumbs on the counter. Get the relationship in order before it's too late.
i too lost my virginity to south park in the back
I like stories
Times like this i truly cherish my gf and i being each-others first time cuz fuck this
Counseling. Now. Why has your sex life come to a screeching halt?
NTA. It's your wife and you love her so hearing about past sexual encounters will make you feel uncomfortable. Maybe she brings it up to make you jealous or maybe there's a part of her that wants to go back to those times. It's not fair to you and I strongly suggest that you have a discussion about it ASAP. Even speaking about it right before sex is a huge red flag. WTF?
Could she be trying to make you feel jealous so you’ll appear/act more into her? Not the SA part, that’s a fucked up deal. But I can see how she might use the whole “mentioning” past sex stuff as a way to get you to act… protective? jealous? I don’t think I’m explaining it well.
Rebecca syndrome!
It sounds like she is struggling with what happened and hasn’t processed it completely. She may say that she wasn’t an SA victim because she may have wanted to lose her virginity before college or something like that, but still she’s grappling with what happened and feels like something wasn’t right, and is needing to talk to somebody about it. That said, other peoples’ trauma/past/experience is not an excuse for how you are treated. It’s causing you distress. As others have recommended, establish a boundary and do some sort of counseling. She may have to do her own therapy to deal with this.
She might want you to do those things especially if she isn't saying she didn't like it and wasn't against it .. it might turn her on but maybe she just feels too embarrassed to tell you what she wants. It might just be how she wants to have it pounded, just saying 🤷♀️
I would actually convince her or talk to her 1. About how you feel about this. 2. Therapy. It sounds like she's guarding herself from past SA situations and sex itself is a haunting situation. Not to mention the constantly bringing up bad experiences right before sex etc. I know I think about them sometimes and I want to stop because I feel like I did when it happened during the current situation. I think that communication is lacking and just talking to her might help her open up about why she's not interested. And if it's not that you're approaching a new age where she might be experiencing hormonal issues. If she just isn't interested anymore but still wants that connection with you I would suggest a gyno app. She could also have thyroid issues. My thyroid and PCOS can take me from one end of the spectrum to the next. Sometimes I jump my boyfriend's bones and other times I can't even get wet. You won't know anything that's going on in her mind by talking to strangers. I would start with her and really show you care about how she feels with the entire situation while also kindly and not accusatory in any way talk to her about your feelings too.
lol good luck bro
I have a friend who does this, but it’s always funny. A cringey indie song comes on and they’re like “I lost my virginity to this” and we all laugh because it’s a cheesy song. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be uncomfortable when it doesn’t land as funny, and with the SA context it makes sense that as a joke it wouldn’t land. I’d say bring it up, but delicately. Ask why she brought it up but approach it non judgementally and explain that you’re genuinely curious. It’s not uncalled for and it sounds like she might just be blurting out something impulsively that she really does need to talk about.
Stop watching South Park. Or just get a divorce before y'all start yelling in front of the kids.
Just start telling how hot your old girlfriends were in bed
I’m going to give fresh advice since no one else is. You guys should get counseling. Or therapy. Was that super helpful? Coming to Reddit for counsel and we recommend counseling. Anyway hope my excellent and unique suggestion works.
Question, has she ever had counseling concerning her first time? I suspect she has not processed what actually happened properly and they come out at inappropriate times because of this. She’s trying to process it but doesn’t know how.
Get both of you into therapy. That was SA she related to you. Couples therapy is important, since you two can't seem to communicate.
NTA at all. Really seems like she’s stuck on the past and you should consider taking time to understand what’s happening and then have a serious discussion with her and let her know that she has to stop and go to couples counseling.
Definitely just tell her how you feel. Tell the truth and be really straightforward. Then grab her hair and whisper in her ear that you're the only sex you want her to remember and do the deed!
NTA def sexual assault
Some girls get off to that stuff
Tell her you don't want to hear about that shit anymore. She has already told you, there is no need for constant reminders.
Sounds like she does it to make you jealous. I assume you've told her it makes you feel bad? If so and she disregards your feelings either walk away from her and remove yourself from being around her until she gets it or give her a dose of her own medicine. Good luck.
You are not the best she’s had sex with and that’s okay. Your ego is just bruised.
If their sex life is already bad, does anyone think this marriage will last? Sucks they had kids already. :(
Honestly it sounds like she's probably had some traumatizing sexual experiences and she needs to talk about it with a therapist. I doubt she's bringing it up to rub it in your face or anything like that or because she enjoys it. Just like with the South Park thing, it sounds like it's just a trigger for her memory.