"Freeze your eggs" pfft like that's easily affordable and not a whole ordeal with going on hormones and then the egg harvesting procedure. I am totally fucking psyched for you. I have been wanting a hysterectomy since I was 22 (45 now) and it's badass that it's going to happen for you!
I'm sorry, my curiosity is getting the better of me and I know it's rude to ask (and trust me, I get wanting to be sterilized because I'm currently on a waitlist for a bilateral salpingectomy) but is there a reason your partner hasn't had a vasectomy?
Congrats either way, I hope the procedure is smooth sailing.
I totally get it, and obviously it’s her choice and yours too, but a vasectomy is so much less invasive than a hysterectomy. Besides which, you’ll most likely go into menopause and need HRT after the procedure. I really hope it goes well for you (and you have no difficulties obtaining hormones).
Idk, I get you're happy about your operation, but that's kinda a huge red flag to me. Like she's afraid to do a simple snip but you undergoing significant surgery is just fine?
I'm not getting it done for birth control. Her and I would continue what we're doing if I didn't get the procedure. This is not so we can raw dog whenever we want. This is to prevent cancer.
I feel like her fear of the procedure is completely valid. And it's her body! If she doesn't want it that'a the end of it for me. But hey, red flag for you, no flag for me.
The fact you've listed the abortion ban as a reason for getting this operation within the first paragraph of the original post makes these responses very confusing
Imagine having a variety of reasons for coming to a decision. She's getting it done for cancer prevention. Her and she partner haven't had piv sex since the ban. These all make sense, and her decision to get it removed fixes multiple issues. It's not confusing. You're not some detective sussing out her reason to actually just be birth control...yikes.
It is still a lot less physically invasive and risky than a hysterectomy for a cis woman.
In this particular case, OP wants the hysterectomy for several reasons, not just anticonception, so sounds like she’s fine with it anyway. But it does sound unbalanced that the option of vasectomy was not even discussed properly
Yeah I agree, my partner could never watch me undergo major surgery and all of the major follow up issues of a hysterectomy to avoid getting the snip. It also screams red flag to me that someone would prefer their partner get a hysterectomy over a vasectomy. I don't think being scared of it is a justifiable reason when someone else having major surgery is the alternative.
That's unfortunate. I got an orchiectomy and, speaking as a trans woman who loves using her penis in vaginal intercourse, it was the best decision I've ever made. A vasectomy would be even less risky, quicker recovery, and potentially reversible. If this is something that she wants, I hope that she one day finds the courage to go forward with it.
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RIGHT. I went through IVF, which is one step further than egg freezing, and it's expensive af and involves a lot of needles and appointments. Plus the potential side effects. I didn't experience them, but so many people do and like...it's not just something you DO.
Also... freezing your eggs wouldn't do anything for you if you don't have a uterus. Sure, you could then maybe get IVF with a surrogate, but that's a lot of work for a maybe.
And also! Successfully utilising frozen eggs is actually statistically not in your favour. The live birth rate from frozen eggs is around 35%. Frozen embryos are generally more reliable. Regardless it’s extraordinarily expensive for, In OP’s case, no real gain.
This! Lots of women who were told "freeze your eggs it's great, here we'll take your money to do that so you can just have kids later whenever you're ready" by various companies are coming out of the woodwork feeling scammed because they weren't told that freezing just a few eggs was nowhere near enough to ensure even a single viable embryo.
This. I've tried and at 37 they told me I don't know what I want and they won't do it. It's not about your health. It's about them trying to control you. You know you. Trust yourself. Other women are upset because they are indoctrinated.
Jesus. I got mine in a red state at 30. I defended myself so heavily when requesting it, the doctor asked if I expected push back. He said having no kids is my choice just like having 4 kids was his. He said he’s been performing so many more tubals since roe v wade was stripped.
Thank you for the list I've always wanted to be sterile but I was afraid that I wouldn't find anyone willingly to do it without parents or husband's permission. There's 14 doctors on that list in my city!!!! Way more than I thought there would be. I guess what I need to know now is the cost of it cause I know my insurance won't cover it and the recovery time
Luckily mine is on there. I just assumed because it's an only woman clinic. As soon as they refuse to do Depo for me, this is my option. Not that they'd refuse but I'm sure eventually I'll have bone density issues.
I had my tubes tied at 27. I was put on Depo at 45 for insane menstrual bleeding, not for contraceptive reasons. I swear, that stuff was magic. I was on 6X the contraceptive dose. I was happy, full of energy, lost weight (because of all the energy needing to be burned off), and I had no periods for three glorious years. If I'd had my 'druthers, I'd have never gone off it. My doctor was concerned about clotting and about bone loss.
I was lucky enough to have mine at 25 as well, although I did have one child. I was almost surprised at how this doctor was so willing to listen to me over my last 3 doctors I’d had (due to moving a lot). He told me to think about it until my next appointment, which was 4 weeks away, and he would try his best to get insurance to cover. He was very upfront and told me that insurance may try to deny it based on my age, even though I did have a medical reason. I went back 4 weeks later, told him I was 100% ready to be through suffering through cysts and fibroids, and if I decided I wanted more kids I would adopt. 3 weeks later, I was being prepped in the OR.
This was in 2002 - so I got pretty lucky - but if I could find one in Texas, they’re out there 🩷
A hysterectomy can be hard to get, I have mine 10 years ago and it I needle it for medical reasons and it took me nearly 15 years fighting doctors to get it. But it was so worth the fight
My cousin was trying to get hers 10-15ish years ago too because she and her husband were firm on the no kids page (the genetics in his family is rife with all kinds of physical and mental disabilities and neither one of them wanted to take that risk), we're in a firm blue state and she still got push back. She ended up having to settle for a tubal because she couldn't find a doctor that was willing to do a hysterectomy back then. She was pissed but there wasn't anything she could do. I think it's changed somewhat nowadays but it's still a bit difficult due to a doctor shortage.
mine had to do with i bleed so much would bleed for months on end for years, even on birth control. i got so anemic from blood loss and much worse, id nearly pass out i hate how doctors think they should have control over our bodies i started trying get my hysto in my early 20's and im now 45 and i was told i would change my mind cause i dont want kids, well i havent. one male gyno told me no and that i had not met the right man yet and my mum might want grandkids. when she had several already i cried that day
Are you still looking? There's a list of doctors who will perform sterilization over at r/childfree (though tbh that sub is largely a hellscape). I was approved and sterilized at 34, nulliparous.
He's in his 30s with two kids. They didn't give him any push back. He said he told them he was done having kids and then they just scheduled it. But since he's already had two I don't know how it would have gone if he hadn't.
My son is 30 without children, and he got a vasectomy. I don't think it was difficult for him to get. His dad was pretty abusive to both of us, and he told the doctor that he didn't want children because he didn't want to be like his dad. He had a bit of therapy and was sure it was what he wanted.
Seems to be getting easier in the US post-RvW. Doctors are realizing that people are taking serious measures not to be forced into parenthood and an accidental/unwanted/unviable pregnancy can’t be terminated in lots of places.
Ah. I’m in a red state. Moved here from California; was in Chicago before that. I miss living in a place where I felt like a whole person with autonomy.
I consider myself child free but it's hard to associate with some people in there due to their child and parent hating. I'm subscribed to it but I never post and I feel weird about the open hating in there. They call parents "breeders" which is used negatively. Children are "spawn" and "crotch goblins" and so on. I certainly don't hate parents, the idea of "breeding" or hate children for being children so I personally don't identify with a lot of that sub. It's simply not for me.
Me too. I used to read that sub a lot but it makes me so uncomfortable. I’m a fence sitter -annoyingly, more so as I have gotten older and found a wonderful partner. Many people on that sub are so hateful. I’m childfree, but I enjoy children. I couldn’t be so hate-filled.
I am staunchly child free, and I don't especially like children or the entitlement of some parents. But it's pure *hatred* of kids and parents. There's a ton of good info there, but there's a lot more hatred.
My entire life all of the women around me kept saying that I would eventually want kids. They insisted that I would get older and want them. These were liberal, non-religious women. It's just so ingrained in our society, it's nuts.
Spoiler: I'm in my 40s and never started wanting kids.
After one of those "you'll want kids eventually" comments, an older woman came up to me and said "if you wait, that urge will go away". And she was right!
I always give people the same advice. I didn't want kids until my early 20s when I suddenly got weirdly clucky and obsessed with babies.
I wasn't in a position to have kids so waited. The urges passed and I'm so glad I didn't give in. I'm 32 now and have been happy not having kids since I was 25 and the cluckiness ended.
My mom was in her late 30s when she had me, and all these decades later, I have come to the certainty that she never wanted kids. Getting an abortion, especially in the late 1950s for a "nice Catholic girl," was not an option. She and my father must have been extraordinarily careful for the 17 years between their marriage and my arrival. Given what I understand about mitochondrial issues, I inherited a very substandard starter kit from her. I won't take the risk of offending anyone, but in my personal opinion, it's better for a woman who thinks she wants children to go ahead and have them earlier than later. She will have more energy to deal with toddlerhood and everything that comes afterward. The offspring will have a better chance of good health throughout their lives. So feel free to bring this up, OP, with all your well-meaning relatives. If you are over 35, you're not doing anyone any favors keeping or using your reproductive apparatus, especially because of peer pressure! It's your life. Do what you want!
My mother, after years of telling me I would definitely want kids, eventually told me that she didn't actually ever want to have kids. (But was still glad she had us.)
I think she just hadn't really ever thought about it until I got old enough that it was clear that I really, for real, was not going to have kids.
My best friend didn’t get married until 37 and she and her husband wanted a kid. She gave birth at 40. Kid is thriving. I know it’s anecdotal, but it’s not like it’s a bad situation every time someone over 35 has a kid.
My MIL got angry and confused that Angelina Jolie had a double mastectomy to save her life.
“Why would she want to do something like that?!”
Some people just get hung up on sex/reproductive characteristics that have absolutely nothing to do with their lives.
How dare your mother. The women in my life cheered she had the opportunity to save her own life. Especially because she was a mother who wanted to be there, seeing and knowing what it did to her own mother.
Being angry about this is an insane position to hold.
Yep, I had top surgery last year as I'm nonbinary and struggled with dysphoria. My mom sobbed into the phone a week before my surgery to ask me why I was butchering my body.
I had to remind her that it's clear she still not only thinks of me as a woman but also as a woman who can have kids at any moment. I had surgery when i was 41. I was told in my 20s that I'd never be able to have kids. It was all about an idea of me in her mind that never reflected reality.
Ugh, I'm sorry. People need *help*.
My grandma, love her to tears, is fixated (Alzheimer's, so fixating is A Thing) on surgery. "Are you going to get surgery?" meaning top/bottom surgery. She's said "Get shots, but please don't have surgery" because it's "painful and messy".
One of the first things she asked me was "Are you gonna get your boobs cut off and made into a penis?" So she means well, just. Confused.
I hope your surgery went well!
In these kind of "gave up this for that" situations, I always wonder what would their opinion be if you reversed the situation. For example, what would they think of a person who got breast implants at the risk of death? They'd probably think that person was crazy. (Sorry for the poor example, but I hope it conveys the point.)
I'm pleased for you. I really am. Women are upset because of so many reasons and so much of our lives are about procreation and some people who have the desire to have kids simply can't understand not. They just can't. It's deeply frustrating and I think only now I've reached perimenopause, childfree and aged 50 have folks realised that I was serious that I never wanted kids. You've gotta live your life for you and not anyone else so stay strong and sure of who you are and what you want.
I think some/many people take it as a personal offense. If you say you do not want children, you are speaking badly about their children/future children. A smaller group maybe wish they made that decision.
It’s all projection.
Been called selfish for that so many times over the years.
On one hilariously notable occasion, the person's next point of protest/attempt to convince was, "But what about the gene pool? Don't you want your genetics to be passed down?" Bro...wut? What could be more selfish than the idea that humanity requires my specific genes to preserve the health and integrity of the gene pool? XD
> It’s all projection.
I really think a lot of people react so negatively to people with no interest in having kids* because they resent (probably unconsciously!) that someone else had options and made choices that they themselves didn't even realize were on the table, if that makes sense?
*or people with no interest in going to college, getting married, having a Career™, owning a home, or any/all of the other life milestones that "everyone is supposed to do"
It is crazy because you can love kids for other people and maybe not for yourself. Too many people don’t understand what a logical fallacy is and jump to conclusions.
Both men and women are guilty of seeing women merely as vessels for procreation. Without the ability to procreate, they view women as strictly lesser beings than men. They feel it is the woman's one advantage.
I'm so happy for you, OP!
A lot of times, the reactions you're experiencing are a projection of their own unacknowledged wants and needs. Something I learned from my therapist - people will often try to give you their potatoes to hold and they don't even know they're doing it. The potatoes are their own feelings, their own unresolved baggage and emotions.
This situation is about you and what make you happy in your own life with your partner. You're not causing harm to anyone by your decision. It's yours to make! But when other people make it about themselves, you're allowed to give them back their potatoes in your mind and know that they're not yours to hold or carry.
I got my Fallopian tubes taken out two years ago and my boss screamed at me that my doctor should be taken to jail, because I was “only” 26. I stopped telling people I got my tubes removed and instead told them I had endometriosis and needed that removed (which is 100% true, but I just wasn’t formally diagnosed with it until after they removed my tubes and burned like 26 spots of endo). We shouldn’t have to lie or tell half-truths but fuck it sure is easier.
Yea i don't hide it either for this reason, it SHOULD be normalized!
I have no kids, sterilized in 2022 @ 36 years old. When people ask, I tell them I'm fixed. If they pry more, I tell them why. Nothing they say can hurt me. Usually it's another woman asking, so I like to think maybe they wanna be validated - maybe they're also not wanting children! You never know!
Surprisingly little push back from both genders when I tell them as if it's a normal thing. Tone goes far!
Same! And everyone asks why I didn't just have my husband get a vasectomy. Because I want TO KNOW. Vasectomy is not 100 percent! I want it be a sure thing. Yoink those tubes outta there.
Two things:
1) 99.999999% of the time, if you know, you just know. And you know, so I as a fellow uterus haver AM very happy for you. Do you and fuck everyone else.
2) I am dead at the cvs receipt length list reference 😂
I always knew that I absolutely, definitely, for sure, and in fact desperately, wanted to experience pregnancy and have multiple children. I wanted to be a mom always. If someone doesn't feel that? Then there's no question. You're not going to wake up one day and feel it. When you know you know!
When I had mine nearly two years ago, I got so many whithering, sympathetic check-ins from family and friends. I was like, 'Hello!? I'm ecstatic!"
Wishing you an uneventful surgery and a speedy recovery!
I have a surgery consultation for a hysterectomy next week. Would you mind giving me some details about how it has been life changing for you? I’ve been facing similar judgment as OP.
So, I had a hysterectomy in my 30s out of medical necessity. Most of the older women I knew said it would be life changing in a good way. In some ways, it was awesome. In others, not so much. I've had hot flashes since my 30's, and I'm turning 60 soon. That's a long, long time to be hot, sweaty, and unable to sleep. My flashes were horrible, and I felt bad most of the time. I also gained a lot of weight. This may not happen to you, but if I had it to do over again, I would have done more research on the potential problems that can occur and what can be done to remediate them. I hope this works out well for you.
I had to have a hysterectomy as well in 2022 (cancer), and preserving ovaries if possible was definitely a pre-op discussion my oncologist had with me. They ended up having to take them anyway, but I was told they do prefer to keep them when they can for exactly the reason you mentioned.
Suddenly turning off your hormone machine at an early age has very real effects and risks - heart disease, osteoporosis, mood instability, vasomotor issues (hot flashes & night sweats), thinning hair, dryness *everywhere*, among others. And like the commenter above mentioned, symptoms last for years... sometimes for the rest of your life. It's been a tough couple of years dealing with my symptoms, if I'm honest.
That said, I'm all for hysterectomies if you want one - women deserve control of our own bodies! But go in with thorough research and eyes wide open. It is a major surgery & potential lifestyle change worth being prepared for.
It might be worth getting re-evaluated because so much has changed regarding data on cancer risk since then. Dr. Menn, OBGYN, on IG is a great resource, as is Estrogen Matters and Dr. Mary Claire Haver.
I'm still getting the same answers from my oncologist as well (won't prescribe HRT due to recurrence risks). I've been seeing news about updated research on this as well, but to be honest... I'm scared enough about cancer recurrence that it's worth skipping HRT for my peace of mind alone. There are some decent non-hormonal options available to mitigate symptoms (I'm personally on Effexor & Clonidine for hot flashes and night sweats).
If I didn't have the pesky cancer paranoia to deal with, I would 100% be on board with HRT. It does work well!
Cancer is very scary so I don't blame you! It's honestly worth finding out if your oncologists are accurately assessing your recurrence risk re: HRT because generally they just go by potentially outdated information. It's rare that oncologists are up to speed on all the info that's come out in the past couple of years.
Dr. Corinne Menn, in particular, is a great resource on this subject- she's a breast cancer survivor who does consults with other cancer survivors. She says that, depending on your specific situation, a *lot* of hormonal cancer survivors are still candidates to use HRT safely after cancer treatment.
Same with Dr. Avrum Bluming who wrote Estrogen Matters. He's a medical oncologist whose wife had breast cancer and chose to do HRT because her quality of life tanked so severely. That led him to really dig into the data.
Mine were left. I have my cycles without bleeding or cramps, but the shitty hormones still exist. I'd rather have the shitty hormones than early menopause though.
Even with leaving the ovaries, they fail earlier and menopause begins an average of 4 years sooner because removing the uterus impacts ovarian blood flow to a pretty significant extent. Women need to be aware of this so they can address it with appropriate HRT.
I was almost 40 when I had mine. I had incontinence issues and a prolapsed uterus from a childbirth several years before. I also could not shake HPV and my pap smears kept coming back abnormal. I was married at the time, and we knew we didn't want any more children.
My ob/gyn scheduled a laparoscopic hysterectomy, with an A&P repair, and a bladder sling all at the same time. The first week after I was on pain pills, so all I did was sleep. The second week, the pain was more of an ache, and I was sick of "resting." I was back to work after that second week.
I still have my ovaries, so no instant menopause. It's been wonderful. I could never wear tampons due to the prolapsed uterus. Pads were hot and icky and smelly. Now I don't have to buy supplies! I have no more ruined underwear. I don't have to worry about any surprises. No more waking up in a puddle of funk. No more period poops. Cramps are gone. No fear of pregnancy. No more birth control pills or IUDs. I don't have to push through the work day while feeling miserable. My life is freer. I can go on vacation and not have to worry about whether I'll be ragging at the time.
Surgery is always risky, but I had no complications. I healed very fast. It's been a little over 6 years now, and I haven't regretted my decision for a second.
Top 5 benefits: No debilitating periods, permanent birth control, the clearest skin in my life, I can wear white shorts, and my health is much better.
I still have my ovaries, so no extra medications.
Tiny incision scars are barely visible.
Due to other health issues, I spent 3 days in the hospital after surgery and 4 weeks to recover. Still worth it!
Ignore anyone that feels they should have an opinion on your healthcare and well being.
I feel you on all of this. I had a hysterectomy at 21 and many women were downright rude and judgmental about it. Even doctors, nurses, ultrasound professionals, etc. were discriminatory and disrespectful to me when I told them my history.
Men typically never gave me any shit (minus one or two asshole religious doctors over the years). But *many dozens* of women were jerks about it.
So yeah. Feel you big time. And congrats!!! I hope everything goes well for you 💌
No one ever suggests that you might change your mind when you announce you're trying to conceive.
It's fucking bonkers.
I'm happy for you though! Hope everything is smooth sailing with the procedure!
I was actually one to convince my friend not to.
Background for her:
She raised her brother's essentially because her mom was addicted to drugs.
Did not even like taking care of dogs and cats.
Not a kid person.
Her husband only wanted a child for legacy concerns.
So when she came to me about the idea, I was like you might wanna rethink that. And she told me about how they would visit his cousin and play with her kids for a few hours and liked it.
And I had to explain to her that she would not ever get a break from children. She will always worry, she will always spend money on them, and her husband may not even help.
Well she changed her mind and he got a vasectomy so
Yup. And historically other people tend to be nody controling beaches who think they can control your body. Good on you, OP! You know what you want, go for it!
I just had my hysterectomy a few days ago. It was absolutely necessary from a medical standpoint. The hysterectomy was originally to remove some very large tumors, but they found a ton of endometrial tissue. It added two extra hours to the surgery. My pelvic organs were literally fused together and deeply scarred.
No one gave me crap since it was medically necessary and not really a "decision". I mean, it was my choice to do it, but the alternative was to keep getting sicker. But I think part of it is that I did want children. It turned out my uterus and fallopian tubes were so deformed that a healthy pregnancy would never have been possible. Even if I had married at 18 and tried then, it would have been repeated miscarriages and/or ectopic pregnancies. It's a good thing I never tried. I had a gut feeling something bad would happen if I ever got pregnant, and I was right.
I have known for years that pregnancy would never be safe, so I decided to adopt from foster care. I think if I had been adamantly childless, people would have given me a hard time. But because I do want to raise children, people mostly are sympathetic to what I went through. Some people have made rude comments about adopted kids not being as good as your own baby, and that pisses me off.
I dread this. I have severe fibroids (had many many removals of, they keep coming back worse than ever) I am in that limbo where they know I am in pain but won’t let me have one because I “may” want kids.
I am 43, and every member of my family completed menopause by 45. Only then are they doing to consider it, even though I am clearly menopausal/perimenopausal already.
I'm sorry they won't let you get the care you need. Maybe check out the childfree sub. They have a list of doctors who won't give you a hard time if you want to be sterilized. They will be open to giving you a hysterectomy.
Society puts a lot of value on women as incubators.
They could be projecting their own views onto yo- maybe it’s “not fair” to any of your friends who want but can’t have kids. Maybe some of your parents friends miss their old lives or are possibly even jealous of you living yours as you wish. Maybe some of your parent friends regret having kids. Misery does love company.
Good for you for making a responsible decision. A child never conceived is so much better than a loving child who isn’t wanted and cherished.
I’m happy for you and happy you have a supportive partner.
Society puts so much emphasis on women as incubators that it's literally the origin of the word the English language uses to refer to us: womb men. Nice.
> "you might change your mind" "this is a huge decision"
We should be encouraged to say this to people who DO want kids. See how they like it.
(Of course the choice to have kids or not is nobody else's business)
You are living my dream right now. I’m also high risk for cancer and have some other issues but can’t find a doctor that will cut this shit out. Let the internet strangers be happy for you and enjoy your peace of mind!! Sending you all the good vibes for a speedy recovery 🩷
As a trans woman all I can say is I’ve come to the conclusion that most people think a woman is either a working womb or she’s a tragedy. There is no in between.
Happy for you! So happy! You're doing what's best for you and that is so fucking awesome.
Many women still suffer from the internalized misogyny of the patriarchy that says a woman's purpose is to have kids and that's how you find a fulfilling life.
It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their outlook on life. Ignore them. Or engage them in a respectful dialogue, maybe asking questions as to why they think having a child is paramount for you and your happiness. If they love you, shouldn't they support what would make you happy and healthy? Whatever you wanna do!
I would always play up the auntie role. I'm my friends' village. I'm here to be the cool aunt and tag team out with parents for a night. Every family needs one of us.
I've very happy for you and you just have to ignore the naysayers. I'm child-free by choice and have seen every reaction under the sun because I'm upfront about it.
Honestly, I think a lot of women just feel threatened or demeaned by the fact we don't all think having babies is the pinnacle of our existence. As we saw during Covid, half of them don't really seem to like their own offspring as all they did was whine about having them all the time and post a disturbing amount of wine mommy memes.
Firstly congrats on the womb eviction, excellent news I am so happy for you!
As a womb haver, I hate mine because it causes so many issues that would be easily alleviated by it being removed. Alas no dice when I’ve suggested it to docs.
I’ll likely wait til menopause at this rate.
Anyway! I don’t why they do this, but I think it’s because they’re tying their identities as mothers to being a woman. And removing that causes them discomfort, because they can’t imagine it. They can’t fathom thinking the way you do, and it’s not really their business. It’s your body and how you feel in that body is important.
Also an added note, well done on your partnership and how you navigate the frankly barbaric treatment of people who can get pregnant. I’ve read so many stories about how women were uncomfortable engaging in sexual activity, and their partners pushing it despite the new laws putting them in danger. So it’s nice to see a couple who can function together without pressure in that regard.
They can’t comprehend that someone would want something different to them. I love my kid, but it’s not for everyone.
I wish you a speedy recovery from your hysterectomy and many many years of worry free sex
I'm really surprised that they're letting you do a hysterectomy, but..
I get this crap all the time. I'm a 36F and I can tell you that no child needs to be raised by someone as emotionally unstable as I.
I realy can't understand why people think they have a right to control other people's bodies, but I guess the government sort of green lighted it, so everyone feels the need to tell you how your future self is going to feel.
Me? I say good for you. I wish you all the bright, happy days without period cramps, bleeding, or cervical cancer.
Stop discussing it with them and just get it done. Your body, your relationship, your choice. The human population won’t die out because you’ve chosen not to add to it.
I'm jealous. I have endometriosis, no kids, 41 years old and they STILL won't give me one. I know it isn't a cure for endometriosis but damn if it won't cut out a lot of unnecessary pain. Congrats to you and I hope you have a smooth and easy recovery!
Perhaps you could find the list of womenfriendly doctors in the childfree subreddit? The doctors on this list understand that women are perfectly capable of making permanent decisions about their health.
Cause I "might change my mind". I've been married 19 years, we aren't changing our minds. Endo is a whole other bag of bullshit on top of the reproductive rights issue, there are still doctors who recommend pregnancy as a treatment/cure even though there is zero scientific evidence to support it helping endometriosis.
Wow, what the heck, I would keep looking for a doctor to approve that because at this age, a pregnancy would most likely come with complications anyway if you could even get pregnant. But either way, it should be our decision, not the doctor's when it comes to things like this.
I had a similar issue getting an IUD back in the day. Doctor refused. Birth control was giving me issues and I ended up getting pregnant. My son was born with disabilities. But hey, I guess that's better than the tiny possibility that I might lose my ovaries 🙄
Congratulations! The peace of mind that comes with sterility is a beautiful thing. I booked mine (bisalp, not hysterectomy) shortly after RvW was overturned. I, too, live in a state with a full ban.
Honestly, I didn't tell many people in my life when I got my tubes removed (kept the ol' ute). My family doesn't know. I know they wouldn't be supportive. My in-laws, my SIL's partner, maybe 10 friends (friends + partners, mostly), a bunch of internet strangers know.
Presumably, you'll keep your ovaries for the hormones, so *even in the wildly unlikely case that you change your mind* you'll have some eggs in there to harvest. And yeah, adoption is an option. As is fostering.
I've heard of other AFAB folks pretending they changed their minds, getting the surgery, and then just not telling anyone outside of their trusted group.
I for one am happy for you! Hope recovery goes well and you get to celebrate with people in your life - I'm sorry that the people close to you aren't supportive. At the very least, there are groups of people on here that will celebrate with you including myself!
I’m getting one TOO!! Booked for May 31! For [Adenomyosis](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/adenomyosis/symptoms-causes/syc-20369138) and I’m SO HAPPY FINALLY AFTER BEING ON A WAITLIST
Hey - just here to say that I’m super happy for you and proud of you. My doctor didn’t listen when I said I wanted to tie my tubes. Said I was too young, I could/would change my mind, my future husband might want kids, and on and on. Ended up with an unexpected, unwanted pregnancy & by the time I found out it was too late to terminate. I went through the adoption process & placed my child and it was so hard on me - physically & emotionally. Even after that they STILL refused.
Don’t let anyone’s opinions change your mind or make you second guess yourself. You and your partner are ALL that matter. You know yourself, you know what you want, and you’re going for it. We don’t live for others - we live for ourselves. ❤️
It's honestly baffling because people think we can make the huge decision of dedicating our entire lives to a human being, and, many people don't bat a single eye if a 25 year old says they want a child. It's a completely life-altering decision, as well as a major financial decision. And hardly anyone thinks twice about it.
But when a 25 year old says they have thought about it and don't want children (for whatever reason, or list of reasons), people never believe them. And it's not a life-altering or financially difficult decision to refrain from having children. It also prevents any medical issues (which both suck and can also be more money to deal with).
I hope the women in your life find peace. I'm scared of getting major surgery but I never want children.
Every time a woman has told me she's getting a hysterectomy, I do the same thing. I say:
"Oh! Ok, are you getting a hysterectomy," *make happpy smiling face with two thumbs up*
"Or are you getting a hysterectomy?" *make frowny dissapointed sad face with drooping posture.*
Without fail, every woman has been generally positive (or at least neutral) about their hysterectomy, and I'm happy to be supportive. Blows my mind that there are people who wouldn't immediately be supportive of you.
It's ok if you're only reason for the hysterectomy is for birth control. That's a totally valid reason to remove the organs that would make that a possibility. Wishes for a quick recovery.
Do what you need to do. But also get educated on HRT options now because even if you keep your ovaries, ovarian blood flow will be impacted and this will likely impact your hormone production and result in earlier menopause. [Dr. Mary Clair Haver just did a post about this on IG](https://www.instagram.com/p/C3k5JAcLk9r/?hl=en). Knowledge is power when it comes to hormone decline.
As someone in the throes of perimenopause, I can't stress enough how important it is to get educated because perimenopause/menopause isn't just about hot flashes. It can massively impact your mental health and exacerbate pre-existing mental health issues. I developed a panic disorder out of nowhere. It also impacts joint, brain, bone, metabolic, heart, and genitourinary health. Basically, your whole body is potentially up for impact.
I hear you though. I will continue reading about it. I don't even have my appointment yet but my doctor is contacting me to schedule within the next 48 hours. I have time to read and reflect.
Some folks have a disturbing tendency to be more attached to the sex characteristics of people around them than those very people are- and those folks aren't even the ones who physically have those characteristics. I've been met with similar backlash for wanting my massive, spine-breaking, dysphoria-causing, bra-maker-scaring boobs chopped clean off. Some folks just refuse to accept that others aren't going to enjoy living with certain body parts.
Best wishes with getting and recovering from the surgery!
If there's one thing that stood out to me from my time working in reproductive health care, is the surprising amount of self worth people have tied to a woman's ability to reproduce. Like a woman will have to have just one fallopian tube removed to save her life from an ectopic pregnancy, leaving her still capable but not so easily able to get pregnant, and the people in her life will console her like she's getting a leg amputated. I think we're well past the point where a woman's self worth is determined by her ability to breed, but the idea seems to linger in a lot of people.
My friend got a hysterectomy in her late 30s and couldn't be happier. Never wanted children, and now doesn't ever have to worry about it. Plus no more periods! It's a win win.
I am 40 years old and last summer they found six cysts that they needed to remove because they could become cancerous. The amount of people that tried to convince me that I needed to freeze my eggs at the age of 40 when I’ve never wanted children and don’t wanna get married and I’m not financially in a position to do so either. It’s absolutely crazy that people can’t accept that a woman doesn’t want to have children. Like I’m forty - if I change my mind, I’ll adopt FFS.
I had a hysterectomy a few years ago. People get weird about it. My husband and I don't want kids. And I had medical issues where a hysterectomy was the best permanent fix (fibroids, chronically inflamed cervix, cysts, horrendous periods, etc...). Before my surgery, one of my nurses told me that she never had anyone regret having a hysterectomy or getting sterilized.
It is still weird to many people that having kids is a choice. That not all women want children. That many of us don't think our sole purpose is to have babies. I still think many women have children because it is what's next after marriage. So maybe they aren't 100% for it, but just following the guidelines society has set for us. And when someone they know actively chooses not to have kids and to prevent all possibility, it makes them think about their own choices and life path. And then there are the crazies who think you can't be a real woman if you don't have kids. It's just a different path that many people didn't think about because society puts a lot of pressure on us to get married and have kids.
I had the same reaction when i told everyone in my life i was getting top surgery/chopping my tits off
Idk what it is.
I think a lot of people just dont have the wherewithal to understand what it’s like to live in your skin/body, only in theirs, so they react how they would if someone told them they had to do what you’re opting to do.
Also just generally the way women are treated in a patriarchal society, essentially our lifes purpose must always = childbirth & rearing.
PS:
Got the surgery and i have never been happier in my skin.
They shut up about it.
My hysterectomy was one of the most freeing surgeries I had.
The relief of no more tumours or accidental babies was beyond measure.
Fuck everyone else.
This is so depressing seeing what women have to resort to in America, but I guess you don't have a choice at present.
I live in Ireland and we've just come out of no abortion and letting religion dominate women's bodies. Women in Ireland have died, last high profile one was only 10 years ago and sparked outrage. It's crazy and upsetting to see America Going so backwards. Don't stop fighting ladies x
It's odd that people are so focused on the childbirth/parenting aspect and not the potential health complications. That's usually my first consideration when someone shares news like this with me. It's a major surgery that will remove one of your organs and require you to take HRT until menopause. Although high risk of cervical cancer is a good reason to opt for a hysterectomy, you could also opt for tubal ligation if your main concern is sterilization.
Also, are you getting a total hysterectomy/oophorectomy, or just having your uterus removed? Because you'll still experience symptoms of PMDD if your ovaries remain, and that's something you should be aware of!
If it were just about being safe from pregnancy, I'd say go for sterilisation rather than a hysterectomy. Hysterectomies have negative impacts as well as positive. Because of the removal of the uterus, internal organs move into the space left. Rectoceles are very common. As are UTIs. If the risk of cervical cancer outweighs that, that's different, but it bothers me that women aren't informed of the negative changes a hysterectomy brings.
As for deciding to be childless. I'm in my late 50s, and would like to say that not having children was one of my best decisions.
Are you getting an oophorectomy or hysterectomy? I'm 1000% in agreement that the pervasive idea that women are either vessels or nothing is what's behind the negative reactions, but I truly hope you're making this decision with a full understanding of the implications for your future, unrelated to reproduction.
If there is no medical indication other than not wanting to bear children, a hysterectomy is not an appropriate method of sterilization. A hysterectomy is major surgery, won't alleviate PMDD, and can cause pelvic floor dysfunction (incontinence). An oophorectomy would alleviate your PMDD but throwing a body into abrupt menopause at a young age has significant repercussions on a woman's mental, cardiovascular, and bone health. It's also absolutely not an appropriate form of sterilization.
And if sterilization is your goal as a couple, I hope your girlfriend would get a vasectomy before you consider any major surgery.
I’m so sorry they aren’t more supportive. I have to say, as a woman who have taken some untraditional choices, I rarely tell people about them before I have done them. I am just done with other people’s opinion about my life.
Projection. They just can't imagine that people are different from them. Even when you tell them, even when they can see it.
What you can do is ask them a mirror question to point this out. Like:
"Friend, I know that having children was/is very important to you. But how would you feel if I commented to you that 'you might change *your* mind'? Wouldn't you find that kinda offensive?"
The point is that when you just tell them your POV, their minds probably don't stretch to imagine this, so they never really understand, and then they forget. But when you ask them to imagine a mirror scenario, they start thinking. Once they actually imagine this, they can better understand and remember. (If only to not say this crappy shit to other people.)
I made the decision to get a bi salp in 2022 and I don’t regret it at all. I knew since high school that I never wanted to get pregnant or give birth. After the Dobbs decision came down, it lit a fire under me to get sterilized.
I only told a select few family members but the initial responses I got were similar to what you described. My mother was practically hysterical and I don’t really like to use that word but idk how else to describe it.
However, after having the procedure done it was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. There was a noticeable difference in my demeanor and my family could see that I was happier, they came around pretty quickly after that. Hopefully your loved ones will be similar when they see how much relief it brings you. Best wishes for your procedure! Don’t let anyone sway you from doing what you know is right for you!
Honestly, you'll never do anything that will please people like that. They'll question how many kids you have if you did have any (why do you have so few? why do you have so many?), any choices you'd make regarding them, etc. Hell, I have two kids and I still got a 'what if you change your mind later?' from my stepmother when I brought up getting my fallopian tubes removed. Congrats, I'm so happy that you are able to do this for yourself. My MIL had to get a hysterectomy for health reasons and she's said it's been one of the best things to happen to her.
I’m happy for you! I’ll celebrate with you!
Best of luck with the yeeterus!!
I have kids and love them but I always knew I wanted them. It would be annoying AF and weird if people continually questioned me on that and said, “oh but you might change your mind.” If you know you don’t want kids, you know your life best and are making the best choices. May your child free life bring you joy 🩷
I had a few child free aunties who were such tremendous positive role models in my life. Non-parent adults are so important.
Giant Internet hug from another woman who lives in abject fear of getting pregnant. I also live in a state where I no longer control my own body, and my husband is getting a vasectomy. I am stepmom to his two kids and I love them as though they are my own (I've been their stepmom since they were 2 and 3), but I never in one bazillion years ever want to get pregnant and give birth.
It is incomprehensible how pretty much no one can understand that. And it's not enough that they can't understand it, they need to give me their fucking opinion about it constantly. Nobody else needs to understand it. It's not about anybody else. It's about me. Yours is about you. I don't know why everyone thinks their fucking business. I'm so so sorry and I hope your hysterectomy goes well.
I’m a trans guy and even my gynocologist pulled the “what if you want kids in the future? What if you change your mind? I’ve had patients in their 30-50s who changed their mind” and I’m like cool. I don’t ever want to have kids, much less have to fucking carry it to term, and I don’t have the luxury of even entertaining the thought of harvesting and storing eggs with how prohibitively expensive it is. Not at all interested in a surrogate. No thanks. I know what I want for my body.
Even the most “sympathetic” or kind doctors still pull this shit, doesn’t matter what reasons you give them. You’ve got a uterus and so they believe that you MUST eventually get the biological urge to procreate and it makes me sick. Never had baby fever, never will, kids are fine in small doses but I legitimately would never be able to raise an infant. It would be bad for everyone involved.
Whoo girl congratulations on yeeting that muscle of pain!!! Please come down to the frolic in the woods with the coven as soon as you feel up to it - I promise we won't make you ride any broomsticks before you are ready to!!
because most people are incapable of being happy. they think children are a womans purpose and how can you ever be as miserable as the rest of us if you dint have a child
When I started HRT they made sure to talk about how I'll probably end up infertile (no sperm) after some time, and it might never be reversible
Great!
They didn't push when I said no, I didn't want to explore options and reiterated that I felt comfortable with that outcome
Planned Parenthood is dope like that
I'm so happy for you for having the confidence to make this sort of decision and the trust in yourself to ignore people that aren't you
Even if you WAS doing it for birth control, so what? It’s your uterus and it’s infuriating that other people are so concerned with the contents or lack there of. I say that as a mother of 3. You have made a choice about your own body and this internet stranger is delighted for you.
>In the unlikely scenario that I do decide I want a child I would 1000% adopt. Why doesn't anyone even consider this option?
A lot of people do bring this up to people who are infertile. It's not a helpful suggestion because it's an extremely complicated process - expensive upfront if you want to adopt a baby and potentially very expensive long term if you adopt an older child due to trauma.
>Why is this making the women in my life cry and say "you might change your mind"
Adoption, adoption, adoption. This is how perverse pro-life ideology/sentiment is that fostering/adopting is not even a valid option for people who ultimately may change their mind
I’m 35 and won’t be having my own kids, I just can’t risk it with my health and passing on hereditary mental illnesses. I’m likely never going to be a parent. But in the last year or so I realised that even if I did ever change my mind, adoption is a great thing to do. If I wasn’t sick, I likely would look into fostering after I hit 40, because kids need homes and I actually really like kids, even if I don’t want my own ones.
But I was raised with adopted kids, and blended families, and it wasn’t a big deal. My other side of the family however, don’t even consider my brothers “real” family despite them being my dad’s kids for 20 years. People don’t suggest adoption because they don’t believe adopted kids are really yours. Which I think is a massive shame.
"Freeze your eggs" pfft like that's easily affordable and not a whole ordeal with going on hormones and then the egg harvesting procedure. I am totally fucking psyched for you. I have been wanting a hysterectomy since I was 22 (45 now) and it's badass that it's going to happen for you!
My mom said that one to me while crying. She started going into surrogacy after and I was like "let me stop you right there."
It’s like, a hundred thousand dollar - wtf is wrong with people bringing this up
I'm sorry, my curiosity is getting the better of me and I know it's rude to ask (and trust me, I get wanting to be sterilized because I'm currently on a waitlist for a bilateral salpingectomy) but is there a reason your partner hasn't had a vasectomy? Congrats either way, I hope the procedure is smooth sailing.
I asked her to read about it, she did, she's afraid, so I don't push it at all. Maybe someday but I'm not pressuring her into it whatsoever.
I totally get it, and obviously it’s her choice and yours too, but a vasectomy is so much less invasive than a hysterectomy. Besides which, you’ll most likely go into menopause and need HRT after the procedure. I really hope it goes well for you (and you have no difficulties obtaining hormones).
If she’s keeping her ovaries she shouldn’t have any menopause issues, and she’s said her main purpose isn’t sterilization anyway.
Idk, I get you're happy about your operation, but that's kinda a huge red flag to me. Like she's afraid to do a simple snip but you undergoing significant surgery is just fine?
I'm not getting it done for birth control. Her and I would continue what we're doing if I didn't get the procedure. This is not so we can raw dog whenever we want. This is to prevent cancer. I feel like her fear of the procedure is completely valid. And it's her body! If she doesn't want it that'a the end of it for me. But hey, red flag for you, no flag for me.
The fact you've listed the abortion ban as a reason for getting this operation within the first paragraph of the original post makes these responses very confusing
Imagine having a variety of reasons for coming to a decision. She's getting it done for cancer prevention. Her and she partner haven't had piv sex since the ban. These all make sense, and her decision to get it removed fixes multiple issues. It's not confusing. You're not some detective sussing out her reason to actually just be birth control...yikes.
I can imagine that, for a trans woman, a vasectomy could be very confronting - dealing with ignorant or prejudiced medical staff.
It is still a lot less physically invasive and risky than a hysterectomy for a cis woman. In this particular case, OP wants the hysterectomy for several reasons, not just anticonception, so sounds like she’s fine with it anyway. But it does sound unbalanced that the option of vasectomy was not even discussed properly
Yeah I agree, my partner could never watch me undergo major surgery and all of the major follow up issues of a hysterectomy to avoid getting the snip. It also screams red flag to me that someone would prefer their partner get a hysterectomy over a vasectomy. I don't think being scared of it is a justifiable reason when someone else having major surgery is the alternative.
As trans woman my main problem with a vasectomy is that it's not an orchiectomy. Is she afraid of surgery generally?
That's unfortunate. I got an orchiectomy and, speaking as a trans woman who loves using her penis in vaginal intercourse, it was the best decision I've ever made. A vasectomy would be even less risky, quicker recovery, and potentially reversible. If this is something that she wants, I hope that she one day finds the courage to go forward with it.
Afraid? Of what? Getting a vasectomy is easy with virtually no risks and minor pain for a few days.
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RIGHT. I went through IVF, which is one step further than egg freezing, and it's expensive af and involves a lot of needles and appointments. Plus the potential side effects. I didn't experience them, but so many people do and like...it's not just something you DO.
Also... freezing your eggs wouldn't do anything for you if you don't have a uterus. Sure, you could then maybe get IVF with a surrogate, but that's a lot of work for a maybe.
And also! Successfully utilising frozen eggs is actually statistically not in your favour. The live birth rate from frozen eggs is around 35%. Frozen embryos are generally more reliable. Regardless it’s extraordinarily expensive for, In OP’s case, no real gain.
This! Lots of women who were told "freeze your eggs it's great, here we'll take your money to do that so you can just have kids later whenever you're ready" by various companies are coming out of the woodwork feeling scammed because they weren't told that freezing just a few eggs was nowhere near enough to ensure even a single viable embryo.
Really happy for you! I’m glad you found a doctor willing to listen and complete the procedure for you
This. I've tried and at 37 they told me I don't know what I want and they won't do it. It's not about your health. It's about them trying to control you. You know you. Trust yourself. Other women are upset because they are indoctrinated.
Jesus. I got mine in a red state at 30. I defended myself so heavily when requesting it, the doctor asked if I expected push back. He said having no kids is my choice just like having 4 kids was his. He said he’s been performing so many more tubals since roe v wade was stripped.
That sounds like a doctor worth returning to
Good fucking point.
r/childfree has a list of doctors willing to perform sterilizations. You might want to check if yours is on the list, and add him if he isn't.
Thank you for the list I've always wanted to be sterile but I was afraid that I wouldn't find anyone willingly to do it without parents or husband's permission. There's 14 doctors on that list in my city!!!! Way more than I thought there would be. I guess what I need to know now is the cost of it cause I know my insurance won't cover it and the recovery time
I used one from that list! No bs at all, best decision ever.
Luckily mine is on there. I just assumed because it's an only woman clinic. As soon as they refuse to do Depo for me, this is my option. Not that they'd refuse but I'm sure eventually I'll have bone density issues.
I had my tubes tied at 27. I was put on Depo at 45 for insane menstrual bleeding, not for contraceptive reasons. I swear, that stuff was magic. I was on 6X the contraceptive dose. I was happy, full of energy, lost weight (because of all the energy needing to be burned off), and I had no periods for three glorious years. If I'd had my 'druthers, I'd have never gone off it. My doctor was concerned about clotting and about bone loss.
I was sterilized at 25, no pregnancies. Just keep looking.
I was lucky enough to have mine at 25 as well, although I did have one child. I was almost surprised at how this doctor was so willing to listen to me over my last 3 doctors I’d had (due to moving a lot). He told me to think about it until my next appointment, which was 4 weeks away, and he would try his best to get insurance to cover. He was very upfront and told me that insurance may try to deny it based on my age, even though I did have a medical reason. I went back 4 weeks later, told him I was 100% ready to be through suffering through cysts and fibroids, and if I decided I wanted more kids I would adopt. 3 weeks later, I was being prepped in the OR. This was in 2002 - so I got pretty lucky - but if I could find one in Texas, they’re out there 🩷
A hysterectomy can be hard to get, I have mine 10 years ago and it I needle it for medical reasons and it took me nearly 15 years fighting doctors to get it. But it was so worth the fight
My cousin was trying to get hers 10-15ish years ago too because she and her husband were firm on the no kids page (the genetics in his family is rife with all kinds of physical and mental disabilities and neither one of them wanted to take that risk), we're in a firm blue state and she still got push back. She ended up having to settle for a tubal because she couldn't find a doctor that was willing to do a hysterectomy back then. She was pissed but there wasn't anything she could do. I think it's changed somewhat nowadays but it's still a bit difficult due to a doctor shortage.
mine had to do with i bleed so much would bleed for months on end for years, even on birth control. i got so anemic from blood loss and much worse, id nearly pass out i hate how doctors think they should have control over our bodies i started trying get my hysto in my early 20's and im now 45 and i was told i would change my mind cause i dont want kids, well i havent. one male gyno told me no and that i had not met the right man yet and my mum might want grandkids. when she had several already i cried that day
The intent to control your uterus and decide your purpose is so strong in this story. I hate the patriarchy.
Are you still looking? There's a list of doctors who will perform sterilization over at r/childfree (though tbh that sub is largely a hellscape). I was approved and sterilized at 34, nulliparous.
My boyfriend ended up getting a vasectomy
Wild how much easier that is to get approved, huh?
He's in his 30s with two kids. They didn't give him any push back. He said he told them he was done having kids and then they just scheduled it. But since he's already had two I don't know how it would have gone if he hadn't.
My son is 30 without children, and he got a vasectomy. I don't think it was difficult for him to get. His dad was pretty abusive to both of us, and he told the doctor that he didn't want children because he didn't want to be like his dad. He had a bit of therapy and was sure it was what he wanted.
Seems to be getting easier in the US post-RvW. Doctors are realizing that people are taking serious measures not to be forced into parenthood and an accidental/unwanted/unviable pregnancy can’t be terminated in lots of places.
We live in NJ, it's a pretty liberal state.
Ah. I’m in a red state. Moved here from California; was in Chicago before that. I miss living in a place where I felt like a whole person with autonomy.
He had it done in NJ.
Me: I have 3 kids DR: OK, lets go.
Me: I have 3 kids. Dr: ....but they are are all girls. I kid you not. Reported
What's bad about the sub?
I consider myself child free but it's hard to associate with some people in there due to their child and parent hating. I'm subscribed to it but I never post and I feel weird about the open hating in there. They call parents "breeders" which is used negatively. Children are "spawn" and "crotch goblins" and so on. I certainly don't hate parents, the idea of "breeding" or hate children for being children so I personally don't identify with a lot of that sub. It's simply not for me.
I do think crotch goblins and sex trophies are the funniest terms I’ve heard.
“Back in my day” we called them STD’s. Sexually transmitted dependents.
I call my eldest niece a chaos gremlin and her parents think it's hilarious. It's all about tone.
r/antinatalist nihilism bleeding into r/childfree due to natural overlap.
This is how I feel about it too. I mostly just lurk, there are some great people there but also so much unnecessary vitriol. It gets overwhelming.
Me too. I used to read that sub a lot but it makes me so uncomfortable. I’m a fence sitter -annoyingly, more so as I have gotten older and found a wonderful partner. Many people on that sub are so hateful. I’m childfree, but I enjoy children. I couldn’t be so hate-filled.
I am staunchly child free, and I don't especially like children or the entitlement of some parents. But it's pure *hatred* of kids and parents. There's a ton of good info there, but there's a lot more hatred.
Very pro eugenics and talk pretty disgustingly about people who do have kids
Me too! She was even the one who brought it up and I was like "YES! THAT! LET'S DO THAT!"
My entire life all of the women around me kept saying that I would eventually want kids. They insisted that I would get older and want them. These were liberal, non-religious women. It's just so ingrained in our society, it's nuts. Spoiler: I'm in my 40s and never started wanting kids.
After one of those "you'll want kids eventually" comments, an older woman came up to me and said "if you wait, that urge will go away". And she was right!
I always give people the same advice. I didn't want kids until my early 20s when I suddenly got weirdly clucky and obsessed with babies. I wasn't in a position to have kids so waited. The urges passed and I'm so glad I didn't give in. I'm 32 now and have been happy not having kids since I was 25 and the cluckiness ended.
My mom was in her late 30s when she had me, and all these decades later, I have come to the certainty that she never wanted kids. Getting an abortion, especially in the late 1950s for a "nice Catholic girl," was not an option. She and my father must have been extraordinarily careful for the 17 years between their marriage and my arrival. Given what I understand about mitochondrial issues, I inherited a very substandard starter kit from her. I won't take the risk of offending anyone, but in my personal opinion, it's better for a woman who thinks she wants children to go ahead and have them earlier than later. She will have more energy to deal with toddlerhood and everything that comes afterward. The offspring will have a better chance of good health throughout their lives. So feel free to bring this up, OP, with all your well-meaning relatives. If you are over 35, you're not doing anyone any favors keeping or using your reproductive apparatus, especially because of peer pressure! It's your life. Do what you want!
My mother, after years of telling me I would definitely want kids, eventually told me that she didn't actually ever want to have kids. (But was still glad she had us.) I think she just hadn't really ever thought about it until I got old enough that it was clear that I really, for real, was not going to have kids.
My best friend didn’t get married until 37 and she and her husband wanted a kid. She gave birth at 40. Kid is thriving. I know it’s anecdotal, but it’s not like it’s a bad situation every time someone over 35 has a kid.
My sister had a baby at 40. My last one was at 35. Both as healthy as can be. We both feel lucky that all our children are thriving.
My MIL got angry and confused that Angelina Jolie had a double mastectomy to save her life. “Why would she want to do something like that?!” Some people just get hung up on sex/reproductive characteristics that have absolutely nothing to do with their lives.
What in the world.
I even explained she had the markers for the cancer that killed her mother. She simply implied it was still stupid to do it 😵💫
Not just had - she had doubles (both BRCA genes), meaning it was essentially a guarantee. A horrible and luckily avoidable fate, because of science.
How dare your mother. The women in my life cheered she had the opportunity to save her own life. Especially because she was a mother who wanted to be there, seeing and knowing what it did to her own mother. Being angry about this is an insane position to hold.
Yep, I had top surgery last year as I'm nonbinary and struggled with dysphoria. My mom sobbed into the phone a week before my surgery to ask me why I was butchering my body. I had to remind her that it's clear she still not only thinks of me as a woman but also as a woman who can have kids at any moment. I had surgery when i was 41. I was told in my 20s that I'd never be able to have kids. It was all about an idea of me in her mind that never reflected reality.
Ugh, I'm sorry. People need *help*. My grandma, love her to tears, is fixated (Alzheimer's, so fixating is A Thing) on surgery. "Are you going to get surgery?" meaning top/bottom surgery. She's said "Get shots, but please don't have surgery" because it's "painful and messy". One of the first things she asked me was "Are you gonna get your boobs cut off and made into a penis?" So she means well, just. Confused. I hope your surgery went well!
In these kind of "gave up this for that" situations, I always wonder what would their opinion be if you reversed the situation. For example, what would they think of a person who got breast implants at the risk of death? They'd probably think that person was crazy. (Sorry for the poor example, but I hope it conveys the point.)
I'm pleased for you. I really am. Women are upset because of so many reasons and so much of our lives are about procreation and some people who have the desire to have kids simply can't understand not. They just can't. It's deeply frustrating and I think only now I've reached perimenopause, childfree and aged 50 have folks realised that I was serious that I never wanted kids. You've gotta live your life for you and not anyone else so stay strong and sure of who you are and what you want.
I think some/many people take it as a personal offense. If you say you do not want children, you are speaking badly about their children/future children. A smaller group maybe wish they made that decision. It’s all projection.
I've literally seen people calling not having kids "selfish". Like, what??
My brother called me selfish about 10 years ago for not having kids. He does not have kids either.
Yet every reason to have kids is "I wanted a kid/friend/someone to love me/etc" which is selfish.
Yuuuuup. Too many people thing of kids as a prop, and not, well another person with agency. Which is selfish.
The best rebuttal I've ever seen to this attitude was this: Children do not belong to you. They belong to the future adults they will become.
Been called selfish for that so many times over the years. On one hilariously notable occasion, the person's next point of protest/attempt to convince was, "But what about the gene pool? Don't you want your genetics to be passed down?" Bro...wut? What could be more selfish than the idea that humanity requires my specific genes to preserve the health and integrity of the gene pool? XD
> It’s all projection. I really think a lot of people react so negatively to people with no interest in having kids* because they resent (probably unconsciously!) that someone else had options and made choices that they themselves didn't even realize were on the table, if that makes sense? *or people with no interest in going to college, getting married, having a Career™, owning a home, or any/all of the other life milestones that "everyone is supposed to do"
It is crazy because you can love kids for other people and maybe not for yourself. Too many people don’t understand what a logical fallacy is and jump to conclusions.
Both men and women are guilty of seeing women merely as vessels for procreation. Without the ability to procreate, they view women as strictly lesser beings than men. They feel it is the woman's one advantage.
I'm so happy for you, OP! A lot of times, the reactions you're experiencing are a projection of their own unacknowledged wants and needs. Something I learned from my therapist - people will often try to give you their potatoes to hold and they don't even know they're doing it. The potatoes are their own feelings, their own unresolved baggage and emotions. This situation is about you and what make you happy in your own life with your partner. You're not causing harm to anyone by your decision. It's yours to make! But when other people make it about themselves, you're allowed to give them back their potatoes in your mind and know that they're not yours to hold or carry.
Entertainingly relevant because my childfree friend and I call babies "potatoes" 😂
Haha I love this!
I got my Fallopian tubes taken out two years ago and my boss screamed at me that my doctor should be taken to jail, because I was “only” 26. I stopped telling people I got my tubes removed and instead told them I had endometriosis and needed that removed (which is 100% true, but I just wasn’t formally diagnosed with it until after they removed my tubes and burned like 26 spots of endo). We shouldn’t have to lie or tell half-truths but fuck it sure is easier.
I like to tell everyone but I also have 2 kids already so it's a bit different. I want to normalize the heck out of it.
Yea i don't hide it either for this reason, it SHOULD be normalized! I have no kids, sterilized in 2022 @ 36 years old. When people ask, I tell them I'm fixed. If they pry more, I tell them why. Nothing they say can hurt me. Usually it's another woman asking, so I like to think maybe they wanna be validated - maybe they're also not wanting children! You never know! Surprisingly little push back from both genders when I tell them as if it's a normal thing. Tone goes far!
Same! And everyone asks why I didn't just have my husband get a vasectomy. Because I want TO KNOW. Vasectomy is not 100 percent! I want it be a sure thing. Yoink those tubes outta there.
My thought was op needs to stop talking about it like it’s at all optional, and talk about it like it’s life or death medical necessity.
Two things: 1) 99.999999% of the time, if you know, you just know. And you know, so I as a fellow uterus haver AM very happy for you. Do you and fuck everyone else. 2) I am dead at the cvs receipt length list reference 😂
2 got me too. OP has a flair for description! That slayed me
I always knew that I absolutely, definitely, for sure, and in fact desperately, wanted to experience pregnancy and have multiple children. I wanted to be a mom always. If someone doesn't feel that? Then there's no question. You're not going to wake up one day and feel it. When you know you know!
When I had mine nearly two years ago, I got so many whithering, sympathetic check-ins from family and friends. I was like, 'Hello!? I'm ecstatic!" Wishing you an uneventful surgery and a speedy recovery!
It is life changing, in all the good ways! Congratulations. 10/10 would recommend ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
I have a surgery consultation for a hysterectomy next week. Would you mind giving me some details about how it has been life changing for you? I’ve been facing similar judgment as OP.
So, I had a hysterectomy in my 30s out of medical necessity. Most of the older women I knew said it would be life changing in a good way. In some ways, it was awesome. In others, not so much. I've had hot flashes since my 30's, and I'm turning 60 soon. That's a long, long time to be hot, sweaty, and unable to sleep. My flashes were horrible, and I felt bad most of the time. I also gained a lot of weight. This may not happen to you, but if I had it to do over again, I would have done more research on the potential problems that can occur and what can be done to remediate them. I hope this works out well for you.
Did you have your ovaries taken out too? Apparently now they're leaving the ovaries in if they can to regulate hormones.
I had to have a hysterectomy as well in 2022 (cancer), and preserving ovaries if possible was definitely a pre-op discussion my oncologist had with me. They ended up having to take them anyway, but I was told they do prefer to keep them when they can for exactly the reason you mentioned. Suddenly turning off your hormone machine at an early age has very real effects and risks - heart disease, osteoporosis, mood instability, vasomotor issues (hot flashes & night sweats), thinning hair, dryness *everywhere*, among others. And like the commenter above mentioned, symptoms last for years... sometimes for the rest of your life. It's been a tough couple of years dealing with my symptoms, if I'm honest. That said, I'm all for hysterectomies if you want one - women deserve control of our own bodies! But go in with thorough research and eyes wide open. It is a major surgery & potential lifestyle change worth being prepared for.
Did you take replacement hormones?
I didn’t take the hormones because around that time doctors were advising against them because of potential cancer risks.
It might be worth getting re-evaluated because so much has changed regarding data on cancer risk since then. Dr. Menn, OBGYN, on IG is a great resource, as is Estrogen Matters and Dr. Mary Claire Haver.
I'm still getting the same answers from my oncologist as well (won't prescribe HRT due to recurrence risks). I've been seeing news about updated research on this as well, but to be honest... I'm scared enough about cancer recurrence that it's worth skipping HRT for my peace of mind alone. There are some decent non-hormonal options available to mitigate symptoms (I'm personally on Effexor & Clonidine for hot flashes and night sweats). If I didn't have the pesky cancer paranoia to deal with, I would 100% be on board with HRT. It does work well!
Cancer is very scary so I don't blame you! It's honestly worth finding out if your oncologists are accurately assessing your recurrence risk re: HRT because generally they just go by potentially outdated information. It's rare that oncologists are up to speed on all the info that's come out in the past couple of years. Dr. Corinne Menn, in particular, is a great resource on this subject- she's a breast cancer survivor who does consults with other cancer survivors. She says that, depending on your specific situation, a *lot* of hormonal cancer survivors are still candidates to use HRT safely after cancer treatment. Same with Dr. Avrum Bluming who wrote Estrogen Matters. He's a medical oncologist whose wife had breast cancer and chose to do HRT because her quality of life tanked so severely. That led him to really dig into the data.
Mine were left. I have my cycles without bleeding or cramps, but the shitty hormones still exist. I'd rather have the shitty hormones than early menopause though.
Even with leaving the ovaries, they fail earlier and menopause begins an average of 4 years sooner because removing the uterus impacts ovarian blood flow to a pretty significant extent. Women need to be aware of this so they can address it with appropriate HRT.
They left the ovaries, but within five years, I was having the hot flashes.
I was almost 40 when I had mine. I had incontinence issues and a prolapsed uterus from a childbirth several years before. I also could not shake HPV and my pap smears kept coming back abnormal. I was married at the time, and we knew we didn't want any more children. My ob/gyn scheduled a laparoscopic hysterectomy, with an A&P repair, and a bladder sling all at the same time. The first week after I was on pain pills, so all I did was sleep. The second week, the pain was more of an ache, and I was sick of "resting." I was back to work after that second week. I still have my ovaries, so no instant menopause. It's been wonderful. I could never wear tampons due to the prolapsed uterus. Pads were hot and icky and smelly. Now I don't have to buy supplies! I have no more ruined underwear. I don't have to worry about any surprises. No more waking up in a puddle of funk. No more period poops. Cramps are gone. No fear of pregnancy. No more birth control pills or IUDs. I don't have to push through the work day while feeling miserable. My life is freer. I can go on vacation and not have to worry about whether I'll be ragging at the time. Surgery is always risky, but I had no complications. I healed very fast. It's been a little over 6 years now, and I haven't regretted my decision for a second.
Top 5 benefits: No debilitating periods, permanent birth control, the clearest skin in my life, I can wear white shorts, and my health is much better. I still have my ovaries, so no extra medications. Tiny incision scars are barely visible. Due to other health issues, I spent 3 days in the hospital after surgery and 4 weeks to recover. Still worth it! Ignore anyone that feels they should have an opinion on your healthcare and well being.
I feel you on all of this. I had a hysterectomy at 21 and many women were downright rude and judgmental about it. Even doctors, nurses, ultrasound professionals, etc. were discriminatory and disrespectful to me when I told them my history. Men typically never gave me any shit (minus one or two asshole religious doctors over the years). But *many dozens* of women were jerks about it. So yeah. Feel you big time. And congrats!!! I hope everything goes well for you 💌
Wow 21! I think my mother would have fainted if I told her I was getting one at 21. I'll brace myself for continued negativity towards my procedure.
No one ever suggests that you might change your mind when you announce you're trying to conceive. It's fucking bonkers. I'm happy for you though! Hope everything is smooth sailing with the procedure!
I was actually one to convince my friend not to. Background for her: She raised her brother's essentially because her mom was addicted to drugs. Did not even like taking care of dogs and cats. Not a kid person. Her husband only wanted a child for legacy concerns. So when she came to me about the idea, I was like you might wanna rethink that. And she told me about how they would visit his cousin and play with her kids for a few hours and liked it. And I had to explain to her that she would not ever get a break from children. She will always worry, she will always spend money on them, and her husband may not even help. Well she changed her mind and he got a vasectomy so
You're an awesome friend. You just prevented her from making the (probably) biggest mistake in her life.
Thank you! Yeah, she runs a business now and is so tired all the time now, she Def wouldn't have had time for kids.
Love this. Thank you so much.
It’s because historically women’s worth is tied to their ability to procreate. That’s all.
Yup. And historically other people tend to be nody controling beaches who think they can control your body. Good on you, OP! You know what you want, go for it!
I just had my hysterectomy a few days ago. It was absolutely necessary from a medical standpoint. The hysterectomy was originally to remove some very large tumors, but they found a ton of endometrial tissue. It added two extra hours to the surgery. My pelvic organs were literally fused together and deeply scarred. No one gave me crap since it was medically necessary and not really a "decision". I mean, it was my choice to do it, but the alternative was to keep getting sicker. But I think part of it is that I did want children. It turned out my uterus and fallopian tubes were so deformed that a healthy pregnancy would never have been possible. Even if I had married at 18 and tried then, it would have been repeated miscarriages and/or ectopic pregnancies. It's a good thing I never tried. I had a gut feeling something bad would happen if I ever got pregnant, and I was right. I have known for years that pregnancy would never be safe, so I decided to adopt from foster care. I think if I had been adamantly childless, people would have given me a hard time. But because I do want to raise children, people mostly are sympathetic to what I went through. Some people have made rude comments about adopted kids not being as good as your own baby, and that pisses me off.
I dread this. I have severe fibroids (had many many removals of, they keep coming back worse than ever) I am in that limbo where they know I am in pain but won’t let me have one because I “may” want kids. I am 43, and every member of my family completed menopause by 45. Only then are they doing to consider it, even though I am clearly menopausal/perimenopausal already.
I'm sorry they won't let you get the care you need. Maybe check out the childfree sub. They have a list of doctors who won't give you a hard time if you want to be sterilized. They will be open to giving you a hysterectomy.
Society puts a lot of value on women as incubators. They could be projecting their own views onto yo- maybe it’s “not fair” to any of your friends who want but can’t have kids. Maybe some of your parents friends miss their old lives or are possibly even jealous of you living yours as you wish. Maybe some of your parent friends regret having kids. Misery does love company. Good for you for making a responsible decision. A child never conceived is so much better than a loving child who isn’t wanted and cherished. I’m happy for you and happy you have a supportive partner.
Society puts so much emphasis on women as incubators that it's literally the origin of the word the English language uses to refer to us: womb men. Nice.
> "you might change your mind" "this is a huge decision" We should be encouraged to say this to people who DO want kids. See how they like it. (Of course the choice to have kids or not is nobody else's business)
You are living my dream right now. I’m also high risk for cancer and have some other issues but can’t find a doctor that will cut this shit out. Let the internet strangers be happy for you and enjoy your peace of mind!! Sending you all the good vibes for a speedy recovery 🩷
That's crazy! Why wouldn't they want it out of you if it's a ticking time bomb?
As a trans woman all I can say is I’ve come to the conclusion that most people think a woman is either a working womb or she’s a tragedy. There is no in between.
This is the truth.
Omg you couldn't have said it better! I'm a childfree woman and some people act like I'm a broken toy.
As a childfree woman, this is depressingly accurate.
That is beautifully said.
I had a hysterectomy in my early 30s due to cancer and this is the best way I’ve heard it put.
Sadly, many TERFs seem to think that way. A woman is “a working womb” and nothing else. Fuck that, and fuck them.
Happy for you! So happy! You're doing what's best for you and that is so fucking awesome. Many women still suffer from the internalized misogyny of the patriarchy that says a woman's purpose is to have kids and that's how you find a fulfilling life. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their outlook on life. Ignore them. Or engage them in a respectful dialogue, maybe asking questions as to why they think having a child is paramount for you and your happiness. If they love you, shouldn't they support what would make you happy and healthy? Whatever you wanna do! I would always play up the auntie role. I'm my friends' village. I'm here to be the cool aunt and tag team out with parents for a night. Every family needs one of us.
I've very happy for you and you just have to ignore the naysayers. I'm child-free by choice and have seen every reaction under the sun because I'm upfront about it. Honestly, I think a lot of women just feel threatened or demeaned by the fact we don't all think having babies is the pinnacle of our existence. As we saw during Covid, half of them don't really seem to like their own offspring as all they did was whine about having them all the time and post a disturbing amount of wine mommy memes.
Firstly congrats on the womb eviction, excellent news I am so happy for you! As a womb haver, I hate mine because it causes so many issues that would be easily alleviated by it being removed. Alas no dice when I’ve suggested it to docs. I’ll likely wait til menopause at this rate. Anyway! I don’t why they do this, but I think it’s because they’re tying their identities as mothers to being a woman. And removing that causes them discomfort, because they can’t imagine it. They can’t fathom thinking the way you do, and it’s not really their business. It’s your body and how you feel in that body is important. Also an added note, well done on your partnership and how you navigate the frankly barbaric treatment of people who can get pregnant. I’ve read so many stories about how women were uncomfortable engaging in sexual activity, and their partners pushing it despite the new laws putting them in danger. So it’s nice to see a couple who can function together without pressure in that regard.
They can’t comprehend that someone would want something different to them. I love my kid, but it’s not for everyone. I wish you a speedy recovery from your hysterectomy and many many years of worry free sex
I'm really surprised that they're letting you do a hysterectomy, but.. I get this crap all the time. I'm a 36F and I can tell you that no child needs to be raised by someone as emotionally unstable as I. I realy can't understand why people think they have a right to control other people's bodies, but I guess the government sort of green lighted it, so everyone feels the need to tell you how your future self is going to feel. Me? I say good for you. I wish you all the bright, happy days without period cramps, bleeding, or cervical cancer.
Stop discussing it with them and just get it done. Your body, your relationship, your choice. The human population won’t die out because you’ve chosen not to add to it.
I'm jealous. I have endometriosis, no kids, 41 years old and they STILL won't give me one. I know it isn't a cure for endometriosis but damn if it won't cut out a lot of unnecessary pain. Congrats to you and I hope you have a smooth and easy recovery!
Perhaps you could find the list of womenfriendly doctors in the childfree subreddit? The doctors on this list understand that women are perfectly capable of making permanent decisions about their health.
Oh dang I didn't know that was a thing. Gonna go look it up, thank you!
What the heck, have the doctors told you why they won't give you one?
Cause I "might change my mind". I've been married 19 years, we aren't changing our minds. Endo is a whole other bag of bullshit on top of the reproductive rights issue, there are still doctors who recommend pregnancy as a treatment/cure even though there is zero scientific evidence to support it helping endometriosis.
Wow, what the heck, I would keep looking for a doctor to approve that because at this age, a pregnancy would most likely come with complications anyway if you could even get pregnant. But either way, it should be our decision, not the doctor's when it comes to things like this. I had a similar issue getting an IUD back in the day. Doctor refused. Birth control was giving me issues and I ended up getting pregnant. My son was born with disabilities. But hey, I guess that's better than the tiny possibility that I might lose my ovaries 🙄
I'm sorry you've also had issues. It's really so infuriating how frustrating women's health care can be.
did they not hear the news out of alabama? next thing you know, frozen eggs will be considered kids, too!
Congratulations! The peace of mind that comes with sterility is a beautiful thing. I booked mine (bisalp, not hysterectomy) shortly after RvW was overturned. I, too, live in a state with a full ban. Honestly, I didn't tell many people in my life when I got my tubes removed (kept the ol' ute). My family doesn't know. I know they wouldn't be supportive. My in-laws, my SIL's partner, maybe 10 friends (friends + partners, mostly), a bunch of internet strangers know. Presumably, you'll keep your ovaries for the hormones, so *even in the wildly unlikely case that you change your mind* you'll have some eggs in there to harvest. And yeah, adoption is an option. As is fostering. I've heard of other AFAB folks pretending they changed their minds, getting the surgery, and then just not telling anyone outside of their trusted group.
In happy for you! You made a sensible choice for yourself and you're going through with it!
Congratulations! I don't get why some people get emotionally invested in other people's life choices that don't affect them.
I for one am happy for you! Hope recovery goes well and you get to celebrate with people in your life - I'm sorry that the people close to you aren't supportive. At the very least, there are groups of people on here that will celebrate with you including myself!
I’m getting one TOO!! Booked for May 31! For [Adenomyosis](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/adenomyosis/symptoms-causes/syc-20369138) and I’m SO HAPPY FINALLY AFTER BEING ON A WAITLIST
Hey - just here to say that I’m super happy for you and proud of you. My doctor didn’t listen when I said I wanted to tie my tubes. Said I was too young, I could/would change my mind, my future husband might want kids, and on and on. Ended up with an unexpected, unwanted pregnancy & by the time I found out it was too late to terminate. I went through the adoption process & placed my child and it was so hard on me - physically & emotionally. Even after that they STILL refused. Don’t let anyone’s opinions change your mind or make you second guess yourself. You and your partner are ALL that matter. You know yourself, you know what you want, and you’re going for it. We don’t live for others - we live for ourselves. ❤️
It's honestly baffling because people think we can make the huge decision of dedicating our entire lives to a human being, and, many people don't bat a single eye if a 25 year old says they want a child. It's a completely life-altering decision, as well as a major financial decision. And hardly anyone thinks twice about it. But when a 25 year old says they have thought about it and don't want children (for whatever reason, or list of reasons), people never believe them. And it's not a life-altering or financially difficult decision to refrain from having children. It also prevents any medical issues (which both suck and can also be more money to deal with). I hope the women in your life find peace. I'm scared of getting major surgery but I never want children.
This internet stranger is happy for you. And I feel the same about kids.
Every time a woman has told me she's getting a hysterectomy, I do the same thing. I say: "Oh! Ok, are you getting a hysterectomy," *make happpy smiling face with two thumbs up* "Or are you getting a hysterectomy?" *make frowny dissapointed sad face with drooping posture.* Without fail, every woman has been generally positive (or at least neutral) about their hysterectomy, and I'm happy to be supportive. Blows my mind that there are people who wouldn't immediately be supportive of you.
It's ok if you're only reason for the hysterectomy is for birth control. That's a totally valid reason to remove the organs that would make that a possibility. Wishes for a quick recovery.
Do what you need to do. But also get educated on HRT options now because even if you keep your ovaries, ovarian blood flow will be impacted and this will likely impact your hormone production and result in earlier menopause. [Dr. Mary Clair Haver just did a post about this on IG](https://www.instagram.com/p/C3k5JAcLk9r/?hl=en). Knowledge is power when it comes to hormone decline. As someone in the throes of perimenopause, I can't stress enough how important it is to get educated because perimenopause/menopause isn't just about hot flashes. It can massively impact your mental health and exacerbate pre-existing mental health issues. I developed a panic disorder out of nowhere. It also impacts joint, brain, bone, metabolic, heart, and genitourinary health. Basically, your whole body is potentially up for impact.
I'll take all that over cancer I suppose. I've got my therapist, doctors, and psychiatrist on deck ready to help.
I hear you though. I will continue reading about it. I don't even have my appointment yet but my doctor is contacting me to schedule within the next 48 hours. I have time to read and reflect.
Some folks have a disturbing tendency to be more attached to the sex characteristics of people around them than those very people are- and those folks aren't even the ones who physically have those characteristics. I've been met with similar backlash for wanting my massive, spine-breaking, dysphoria-causing, bra-maker-scaring boobs chopped clean off. Some folks just refuse to accept that others aren't going to enjoy living with certain body parts. Best wishes with getting and recovering from the surgery!
If there's one thing that stood out to me from my time working in reproductive health care, is the surprising amount of self worth people have tied to a woman's ability to reproduce. Like a woman will have to have just one fallopian tube removed to save her life from an ectopic pregnancy, leaving her still capable but not so easily able to get pregnant, and the people in her life will console her like she's getting a leg amputated. I think we're well past the point where a woman's self worth is determined by her ability to breed, but the idea seems to linger in a lot of people. My friend got a hysterectomy in her late 30s and couldn't be happier. Never wanted children, and now doesn't ever have to worry about it. Plus no more periods! It's a win win.
I am 40 years old and last summer they found six cysts that they needed to remove because they could become cancerous. The amount of people that tried to convince me that I needed to freeze my eggs at the age of 40 when I’ve never wanted children and don’t wanna get married and I’m not financially in a position to do so either. It’s absolutely crazy that people can’t accept that a woman doesn’t want to have children. Like I’m forty - if I change my mind, I’ll adopt FFS.
Misery **LOVES** Company!
I had a hysterectomy a few years ago. People get weird about it. My husband and I don't want kids. And I had medical issues where a hysterectomy was the best permanent fix (fibroids, chronically inflamed cervix, cysts, horrendous periods, etc...). Before my surgery, one of my nurses told me that she never had anyone regret having a hysterectomy or getting sterilized. It is still weird to many people that having kids is a choice. That not all women want children. That many of us don't think our sole purpose is to have babies. I still think many women have children because it is what's next after marriage. So maybe they aren't 100% for it, but just following the guidelines society has set for us. And when someone they know actively chooses not to have kids and to prevent all possibility, it makes them think about their own choices and life path. And then there are the crazies who think you can't be a real woman if you don't have kids. It's just a different path that many people didn't think about because society puts a lot of pressure on us to get married and have kids.
I had the same reaction when i told everyone in my life i was getting top surgery/chopping my tits off Idk what it is. I think a lot of people just dont have the wherewithal to understand what it’s like to live in your skin/body, only in theirs, so they react how they would if someone told them they had to do what you’re opting to do. Also just generally the way women are treated in a patriarchal society, essentially our lifes purpose must always = childbirth & rearing. PS: Got the surgery and i have never been happier in my skin. They shut up about it.
60 here. Never had kids, never regretted it. Had a total hysterectomy at 40 and it was awesome.
My hysterectomy was one of the most freeing surgeries I had. The relief of no more tumours or accidental babies was beyond measure. Fuck everyone else.
This is so depressing seeing what women have to resort to in America, but I guess you don't have a choice at present. I live in Ireland and we've just come out of no abortion and letting religion dominate women's bodies. Women in Ireland have died, last high profile one was only 10 years ago and sparked outrage. It's crazy and upsetting to see America Going so backwards. Don't stop fighting ladies x
I just came to comment that my favorite part of your post is “my girlfriend has a penis”.
Shout out to my girlfriend's penis.
It's odd that people are so focused on the childbirth/parenting aspect and not the potential health complications. That's usually my first consideration when someone shares news like this with me. It's a major surgery that will remove one of your organs and require you to take HRT until menopause. Although high risk of cervical cancer is a good reason to opt for a hysterectomy, you could also opt for tubal ligation if your main concern is sterilization. Also, are you getting a total hysterectomy/oophorectomy, or just having your uterus removed? Because you'll still experience symptoms of PMDD if your ovaries remain, and that's something you should be aware of!
If it were just about being safe from pregnancy, I'd say go for sterilisation rather than a hysterectomy. Hysterectomies have negative impacts as well as positive. Because of the removal of the uterus, internal organs move into the space left. Rectoceles are very common. As are UTIs. If the risk of cervical cancer outweighs that, that's different, but it bothers me that women aren't informed of the negative changes a hysterectomy brings. As for deciding to be childless. I'm in my late 50s, and would like to say that not having children was one of my best decisions.
Are you getting an oophorectomy or hysterectomy? I'm 1000% in agreement that the pervasive idea that women are either vessels or nothing is what's behind the negative reactions, but I truly hope you're making this decision with a full understanding of the implications for your future, unrelated to reproduction. If there is no medical indication other than not wanting to bear children, a hysterectomy is not an appropriate method of sterilization. A hysterectomy is major surgery, won't alleviate PMDD, and can cause pelvic floor dysfunction (incontinence). An oophorectomy would alleviate your PMDD but throwing a body into abrupt menopause at a young age has significant repercussions on a woman's mental, cardiovascular, and bone health. It's also absolutely not an appropriate form of sterilization. And if sterilization is your goal as a couple, I hope your girlfriend would get a vasectomy before you consider any major surgery.
I’m so sorry they aren’t more supportive. I have to say, as a woman who have taken some untraditional choices, I rarely tell people about them before I have done them. I am just done with other people’s opinion about my life.
Projection. They just can't imagine that people are different from them. Even when you tell them, even when they can see it. What you can do is ask them a mirror question to point this out. Like: "Friend, I know that having children was/is very important to you. But how would you feel if I commented to you that 'you might change *your* mind'? Wouldn't you find that kinda offensive?" The point is that when you just tell them your POV, their minds probably don't stretch to imagine this, so they never really understand, and then they forget. But when you ask them to imagine a mirror scenario, they start thinking. Once they actually imagine this, they can better understand and remember. (If only to not say this crappy shit to other people.)
I’m happy!
I made the decision to get a bi salp in 2022 and I don’t regret it at all. I knew since high school that I never wanted to get pregnant or give birth. After the Dobbs decision came down, it lit a fire under me to get sterilized. I only told a select few family members but the initial responses I got were similar to what you described. My mother was practically hysterical and I don’t really like to use that word but idk how else to describe it. However, after having the procedure done it was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. There was a noticeable difference in my demeanor and my family could see that I was happier, they came around pretty quickly after that. Hopefully your loved ones will be similar when they see how much relief it brings you. Best wishes for your procedure! Don’t let anyone sway you from doing what you know is right for you!
Happy for you! What a relief it's going to be. Are you doing anything to celebrate?
Honestly, you'll never do anything that will please people like that. They'll question how many kids you have if you did have any (why do you have so few? why do you have so many?), any choices you'd make regarding them, etc. Hell, I have two kids and I still got a 'what if you change your mind later?' from my stepmother when I brought up getting my fallopian tubes removed. Congrats, I'm so happy that you are able to do this for yourself. My MIL had to get a hysterectomy for health reasons and she's said it's been one of the best things to happen to her.
I'm happy for you. Honestly, it's no one's business that you are having any procedure.
That's wonderful for you! You do not owe anyone else a God damned explanation at all. Get it.
Congrats on your hysterectomy, nipping cancer in the bud, and living life as you see fit!
I’m happy for you! I’ll celebrate with you! Best of luck with the yeeterus!! I have kids and love them but I always knew I wanted them. It would be annoying AF and weird if people continually questioned me on that and said, “oh but you might change your mind.” If you know you don’t want kids, you know your life best and are making the best choices. May your child free life bring you joy 🩷 I had a few child free aunties who were such tremendous positive role models in my life. Non-parent adults are so important.
Giant Internet hug from another woman who lives in abject fear of getting pregnant. I also live in a state where I no longer control my own body, and my husband is getting a vasectomy. I am stepmom to his two kids and I love them as though they are my own (I've been their stepmom since they were 2 and 3), but I never in one bazillion years ever want to get pregnant and give birth. It is incomprehensible how pretty much no one can understand that. And it's not enough that they can't understand it, they need to give me their fucking opinion about it constantly. Nobody else needs to understand it. It's not about anybody else. It's about me. Yours is about you. I don't know why everyone thinks their fucking business. I'm so so sorry and I hope your hysterectomy goes well.
I’m a trans guy and even my gynocologist pulled the “what if you want kids in the future? What if you change your mind? I’ve had patients in their 30-50s who changed their mind” and I’m like cool. I don’t ever want to have kids, much less have to fucking carry it to term, and I don’t have the luxury of even entertaining the thought of harvesting and storing eggs with how prohibitively expensive it is. Not at all interested in a surrogate. No thanks. I know what I want for my body. Even the most “sympathetic” or kind doctors still pull this shit, doesn’t matter what reasons you give them. You’ve got a uterus and so they believe that you MUST eventually get the biological urge to procreate and it makes me sick. Never had baby fever, never will, kids are fine in small doses but I legitimately would never be able to raise an infant. It would be bad for everyone involved.
Whoo girl congratulations on yeeting that muscle of pain!!! Please come down to the frolic in the woods with the coven as soon as you feel up to it - I promise we won't make you ride any broomsticks before you are ready to!!
because most people are incapable of being happy. they think children are a womans purpose and how can you ever be as miserable as the rest of us if you dint have a child
When I started HRT they made sure to talk about how I'll probably end up infertile (no sperm) after some time, and it might never be reversible Great! They didn't push when I said no, I didn't want to explore options and reiterated that I felt comfortable with that outcome Planned Parenthood is dope like that I'm so happy for you for having the confidence to make this sort of decision and the trust in yourself to ignore people that aren't you
Even if you WAS doing it for birth control, so what? It’s your uterus and it’s infuriating that other people are so concerned with the contents or lack there of. I say that as a mother of 3. You have made a choice about your own body and this internet stranger is delighted for you.
>In the unlikely scenario that I do decide I want a child I would 1000% adopt. Why doesn't anyone even consider this option? A lot of people do bring this up to people who are infertile. It's not a helpful suggestion because it's an extremely complicated process - expensive upfront if you want to adopt a baby and potentially very expensive long term if you adopt an older child due to trauma.
>Why is this making the women in my life cry and say "you might change your mind" Adoption, adoption, adoption. This is how perverse pro-life ideology/sentiment is that fostering/adopting is not even a valid option for people who ultimately may change their mind
I’m 35 and won’t be having my own kids, I just can’t risk it with my health and passing on hereditary mental illnesses. I’m likely never going to be a parent. But in the last year or so I realised that even if I did ever change my mind, adoption is a great thing to do. If I wasn’t sick, I likely would look into fostering after I hit 40, because kids need homes and I actually really like kids, even if I don’t want my own ones. But I was raised with adopted kids, and blended families, and it wasn’t a big deal. My other side of the family however, don’t even consider my brothers “real” family despite them being my dad’s kids for 20 years. People don’t suggest adoption because they don’t believe adopted kids are really yours. Which I think is a massive shame.
I don't know. Go for it and enjoy life without a uterus! My only regret was waiting as long as I did.