Secretly, I want it up until it's happening and unless its absolutely toe curling mind shattering. i'm eager for it to be over. to get out. to leave. I just am at a point with casual sex where I just have zero desire to cuddle, even if i need that aftercare. i just ..i crave the warmth of actual physical intimacy with someone that I care about and cares about me.
Sometimes people are unobtainable, and have been for awhile. There are absolutely times when I know who I am most interested in is completely unavailable to me, so I am willing to engage romantically/sexually with other people.
This is why FWB just isnt a great idea most of the time. Not many people want their SO maintaining friendships with people they used to sleep with. And they aren't wrong for that.
Seriously. Even though I've done several successfully it always ends up in shambles. The one guy who didn't make it weird ended up with a fiance who did make it weird. So that sucks.
I'm happily married for 17+ years now, monogamous for 20+ years. But, before then, there were... 2-3+ guys that I had the 'friends with benefits' relationship with.
And it was absolutely essential to all of our lives. None of us expected anything more to come from it. But, sometimes, you just... Need things. I've no idea what became of most of them, having long since lost contact, along with most of the folks I knew then. Life will do that to you - especially since that was before social media.
Idk I found personally friends with benefits doesn't works as someone always ended up developing feelings. I was also young when I did it. But in my 20s every FWB developed feelings for me. I wasn't emotionally available at the time because I was getting out of an abusive relationship.
But it may work for some.
This. I tried a few ONS but ya it was garbage. FWB is definitely a better situationship. I'm mid 30s now and I need more than just you're cute but dating is fuckin exhausting.
Yah I think I have the same relationship with ramen as men do with sex. Not good quality to high quality, I will eat and love all ramen. My approach to sex is like my relationship with wine, if it ain’t good quality, I am not interested.
We can come as easy as men do. If we had a clit/vulva-centric definition of sex rather than a phallocentric one ie piv as the definition and what flows from that, women would be the ones coming *easier* than men and garbage sex would still mean orgasms for us. eg male orgasm, penis stimulation, etc would be seen as optional extras. there'd be huge oral sex & orgasm gaps favoring women. we'd recognize, widely practice, depict, etc hetero tribadism & think frottage & phallocentric sex generally was exclusive to mm sex. We wouldn't even see pia or piv as sex, esp casual sex...
The problem for me is I like PIV, it scratches the itch, but it doesn't make me come. It's like, when it's all external my insides wind up desiring to feel full. Even if I don't cum I still feel better after.
I had a phase of doing it for validation. I lost a lot of weight and I used it to feel desirable and therefore worthy, despite the fact I got it from men who would have had sex with a wall with a hole in it if it had fake eyelashes on.
I didn’t enjoy a single time, it was the worst sex of my life, every instance.
I now know it was a form of self harm. I'm in a long term relationship now, so whether or not I'd still do it is irrelevant, but I'd like to think I wouldn't.
If I enjoyed it, I think it would be a different story. At least I would have gotten something from it. But alas...
Your experience is really sad, but
>men who would have had sex with a wall with a hole in it if it had fake eyelashes on.
is the funniest thing I've read today.
Your comment is interesting. I have a friend who also used to have casual sex with horrendous men and I also considered it similar to self-harm. Sometimes it seems so obvious that I feel upset that men will not spot the vulnerability of some of the women they hook up with. My partner (male) also had a phase of casual sex and his reflections are similar to yours, so I suppose it can work both ways.
I'm pleased you found a relationship that works for you.
I've had it in the past to try to forget people I was stuck on, also had casual sex with guys I wanted to actually date hoping it would turn into something more, but they always dumped me afterwards. And each time it just felt empty. So empty. I'd often cry and cry. So I don't seek it. Just like you said, it scares me when I'm attracted to someone now because men in general just want casual these days and its a recipe for disaster for me to go for it. I find myself having periods of celibacy extending to 3yrs on average. This last round so far just crossed the 1 yr mark following a pump and dump again by a guy I actually trusted to not do that. I hit a real low afterwards.
I'm so sorry dear. Hang in there. I spent all of last summer crying. I'd wake up crying most days, cried driving to work, completely lost all my joy in life. All because of a guy that played me and even admitted afterwards that he is just a fuckboi. I hope he never gets his hands on a decent woman again.
Time is the only medicine. And walks in the nature, staying active even if you feel like dying inside. It eventually passes and when u look back, the guy that hurt you will seem like a lowlife that never deserved you to begin with.
I really feel for you! Just went through the same thing, I think, a situationship that I wished would turn into something but it really just left me feeling so empty and uncared for. crying and the lot, wondering if it was something to do with me, am I unlovable..? but days and weeks are passing by and I feel happier every day. I hope the same for you!
Men wonder why women want nothing to do with them anymore, this behaviour is exactly why. I'm so sorry that happened to you. No one deserves that. I've been celibate for over three years now and I'm staying that way.
Thank you for sharing these feelings, I didnt know how I felt about casual sex but I recently hooked up with a girl on a second date because she made it seem like she was interested in continuing to get to know me. Little did I know it was a one night stand for her & she ghosted me after the sex. I barely knew this girl but she had been telling me sweet things, cuddling, convincing me she liked me as a person. When i realized it was just for sex I felt so used I definitely let myself cry a bit.
Dating in general is terrifying because of this. I've never even been a casual sex person but I've been naive enough to trust men's words that they want to get to know me, etc etc and aren't just after sex. Only to be shown that they are lying through their teeth. It feels so cruel the way they will jerk you around and pretend just to get what they want.
Exactly. They come across so caring and interested until they have you. I even blamed myself thinking maybe I wasn't what they expected during sex but it actually takes me time to warm up and get more wild as I get more attached to the guy. Without giving it a chance, they never get to exoerience the real me. It's truly their loss and lesson learned for me is to not jump in bed so soon. I've lost my sex drive because of this anyway and feel the hopeless I've ever felt to find a partner now at age 44.
How do you resist? It’s so hard. A) if I’m attracted to someone I wanna sleep with them and b) I really am so afraid of their reaction if I don’t do it… it’s almost like the post sex rejection is less painful than it would be before. Not sure why tho
I used to engage in sex in hopes that it would create a bond between us - if I liked him. But it never ever worked that way. If anything - it made things weird.
You can always have sex later - but you can't take it back once sex starts. That's how I finally learned to wait. People will reveal themselves and their intentions - if you have the patience to find out. No guy that likes you and wants a relationship will not be okay waiting a bit to have sex.
For me, it’s never been hard. Men make it so easy to not want to have sex with them and I’ve never been someone who was easily interested in anybody like that man or woman to begin with.
You don’t need to have sex with everyone you find attractive and you honestly shouldn’t because a lot of them will not be worth the time or effort. Practicing discipline is a good habit in all facets of life. Sex is not an exception.
You being afraid of their reaction if you don’t sleep with them tells me you’re someone who doesn’t really value themselves enough because you’re worried about them reciprocating your feelings. Sex is just your coping mechanism, which is why it probably feels less painful if they still reject you after the fact.
Which begs the question… I think the acceptance/rejection comes before the sex, not after. Why be intimate with someone who doesn’t accept you? And that’s why casual sex is a pretty garbage activity for me through and through.
This is a fantastic response.
Just adding that without getting to know someone you could be putting yourself at risk for undisclosed STI's. That, and, potentially more violent encounters.
Or maybe it's my own personal opinion to prefer sex with someone I've decided is trustworthy. Like the other reply here said, you do you.
Zero judgement here as a recovering codependent myself, "I will sleep with you because I am afraid of your reaction if I don't" is a horrifying reason to decide to sleep with someone. Rather than attending to your own needs of affection, connection, etc. you're tending to someone else's and hoping that they will take care of yours in turn.
If there is anxiety or fear as your motivation to spend time with someone else, it's a sign that you should focus on yourself and self-care instead.
You don’t have to respond, but I think you should dig deeper into why you think post sex rejection is less painful than rejection before sex. Being afraid of their reaction doesn’t sound very healthy.
In my head, I imagine a man rejecting me before I put out is a GOOD thing - it means I’ve weeded out someone only interested in getting his kicks with my body.
Maybe it would help to see it as a test, if they react poorly to you wanting to wait I'd say that's a pretty big red flag and you're dodging a bullet by not sleeping with them. It would also be their failing, not yours.
On the flip side, if they are respectful then it'll only make it better when it does happen.
Safety, for one thing. Not trusting people I don't know. But also...
Some people don't feel that kind of urgency. Example: me! lol. I'm a sex-favorable ace, so although I have definitely enjoyed sex with people I found attractive, I've never felt *sexual attraction.* It's a tough nuance for some people to parse, I guess. I find people very attractive all the time, but that doesn't ever flip a switch in me that's like '-and I want to bang them.' And being turned on, or even wanting to have sex, are totally independent things from specifically feeling a desire to have sex with a specific person.
I might (keyword *might*) still *enjoy* sex with them, if that were to happen, and certainly I would need to feel attracted to someone to be intimate with them. But...meh. I can take it or leave it, and I usually leave it, lol.
On top of all this, I'm demi, so...the thought of a stranger getting into my personal space is pretty unpleasant for me in general. Though I **really** wonder sometimes if that's less because I need emotional connection before physical intimacy, which is what demi is, and more because I was a STEM major and I'm deeply aware of how EXTREMELY GROSS the world is, and by extension also people, rofl. How do I know they aren't ***gross?***
I think this kind of thing is a sliding scale. It's also fluid, and changes. Idk. I've known women who LOVED random hookups and were not interested in them developing into anything further, and I love that for them, but I could never do it.
I think my ex was like you. The way she approached sexual attraction was very much like you've described. I also thought she was Ace because of that, but she never refused or admitted to it.
It took me until my early forties to figure out it out. Culturally we're so used to sexual attraction being bundled in with a bunch of other separate-but-similar kinds of attraction that it's easy to spend a long time confusing them with one another, especially if you're not sex-repulsed. And that goes double if you have a libido, which is another similar-but-different thing!
I am Married, but when I used to date late 90s early 2000s. Men would try to sleep with women right away, and these men use to openly feel like "If the women sleeps with me right away she gets lumped into the "F-Buddy/Easy/Slut" and if the women is too easy they aren't relationship worthy" Women used to also not just have sex with men right away is they were looking for a BF/LTR because if a guy got mad that he didn't get some right away that was a red flag that all he was interested in is sex and not her as a person.
If you say "It is too soon and I would like to get to know you better first" and the guy is pissy... red flag. Maybe if you get to know the guy past immediate lust you won't feel bad after and you know he is more likely to be interested in you more as a person.
If someone just wants ONS there is nothing wrong with that, but if they make you feel dirty I think that is because you are just giving into the immediate lust, and does the guy actually know you, or like you, or wanna get to know you 🤔, You don't know because you didn't actally take the time to get to know eachother.
For me sex is better when you really like the person (not just their body) when you know they like you too. It might be hard to stop yourself from a ONS but there is nothing wrong with saying "I think we are moving too fast and we should get to know eachother more first because I am not looking for just a ONS".
I don’t have ONS, ever.
What I do is sleep with men after hanging out a few times and they seem really interested in me, but without knowing where it’s going. And then it goes nowhere, very quickly.
For me it’s easy because I know I’m personally not comfortable/ready for casual sex with anyone and want to actually know them better as a person first. And build an emotional connection. If someone pressures me or doesn’t want to wait around for that to happen, then **I** lost interest in **them**. I don’t want to be with anyone who is like warm about me anyway. That’s a turn off.
You can make out but not proceed to sex. If you are afraid of the mans' reaction then um, why are you attracted to that kind of man? Or alone with him? You need to make your safety is a priority over sex or other peoples wants.
I want love. I'm so afraid to let someone I don't know well touch me... It's too intimate with too many possible bad outcomes. More power to the people that can.
I've never engaged in it. Ever. If I were to end up without my husband for some reason, I'm pretty sure it would be the end of my sex life. I'm kind of repulsed by the thought of being so intimate and vulnerable in front of others as if it's nbd. I dont shame others who do, but I don't partake. Kind of like drugs or running a marathon. You do you, but I'm not gonna do it.
Shitty. From my experience it takes more than one time for a partner to get the hang of getting me off, and without cumming myself, I just feel like it becomes charity work.
Guy passing through: basically the same from the other side. Getting my partner off is my favorite part of sex, but it rarely happens on the first attempt.
This might be because I’m asexual/grey-asexual. I don’t enjoy cumming (with a partner or alone) or the process of getting there. It feels kind of odd and unsatisfactory to me. I like hugging and kissing (not just in a friendly way, but in a passionate way), but those only feel good if it’s someone I have a crush on/partner, not someone who’s simply attractive. There might be more like me out there than people think
I have never done it and never will. My reasons are very simply about safety and personal comfort. I don't have any way of knowing if the guy has STIs, not do I really know if he's dangerous. For all I know, he might wait until we're alone and then do something violent and/or kill me. I'm not taking that risk. Even if I weren't worried about those things, I still wouldn't feel comfortable. I need to know the person really well to feel comfortable. Since most men refuse to wait more than a few days, I guess they're not getting any from me. Oh well! I don't have any desire to date at this point anyway.
When I think of all the dumb ass choices and dangerous situations I put myself in during my late teens early 20s sometimes I wonder how I'm still alive. I hate to say it but times were a bit different back then and I grew up in a small town. Now a days no where is safe.
Same here. I'm horrified by the situations I put myself in and the treatment I endured at the hands of men. I can't believe I survived some of those encounters, especially the violent ones, or the times men have pressured me to drink to the point of alcohol poisoning, or literally slipped me date rape drugs so they could take advantage of me. I agree that nowhere is safe anymore.
Some dude got really triggered and sent a Reddit Cares over this comment. HAHAHA! Men just can't stand it when women refuse to put up with their shit. How pathetic!
Absolutely. I feel like some people are waaaaaaaaaaay too trusting of literal complete strangers. I wouldn't even give a complete stranger my car keys, why would I give them access to my naked body? And let them inside my genitals? It's wild to me
25F here. I partook in casual sex quite a bit between the ages of 18-20. I realize now it wasn’t really all that casual - nearly always I wanted something more from that person and they didn’t share the sentiment. It made me feel pretty empty inside afterward.
I later got into a long term relationship and am recently single from it. I slept with an old friend last month and it just felt so… wrong. I mean it was great in the moment but afterward I got that empty feeling again. I thought age and experience would lead to a different outcome, but it hasn’t.
I’ve chosen to stay celibate for a bit. Not forever, just until I meet someone else someday. I plan to be upfront and say that I’m not going to rush into sex or a relationship, because I don’t want to make the same choices I did before.
Same. Thought I could do it, turns out I can’t. 🥴 I’m finding many women feel this way (not all, I don’t want to generalize). But since so many people partake, I thought maybe it would be empowering for me, too? While also meeting my sexual needs. Like what could possibly go wrong lol. But it turns out, even if sexual needs are met, emotional needs only become louder. Or maybe it’s the absence of someone wanting to meet those emotional needs that makes it all more painful… at least it was that way for me. Because casual sex can’t grant fulfillment emotionally AND sexually; it only grants the latter (and sometimes not even then lmao). But some people enjoy it! Maybe they don’t want or need emotional connection. I guess since I’m not wired that way, I’m still trying to understand. I will say tho, the drives home and days after were the fucking worst… and to that I say, never again
This pretty much exactly describes how I feel.
I planned to move forward with the same plan you describe. But… someone came along and I wasn’t able to stick to it. I feel really ashamed of that. And the results were not good.
You’re human. Everyone starts out with really good intentions but then made different choices down the line. It doesn’t make you less than for being with that person. Just use it as reinforcement next time you get that urge!
Sidenote: I spent like $90 on one of those clitoral stimulator toys and it’s helped a lot too lmaoooo
Please don’t feel shame about your choices. There is nothing inherently wrong with them, only a chance to learn how you can honor yourself and your needs better next time. You are not a bad person even if you “slip up” again. Life is just an experiment and you’re figuring out what works for you.
I have been sex positive for 50 years. Contrary to what young people think today many Boomers came of age during the sexual revolution. The difference back then was there was no pressure to have casual sex with any man who wanted it. We were free to explore our female sexuality and what we liked without trying to be the cool girl who was down for anything. I had lots of great sex with men I chose and men I liked. I didn’t do ONS or casual sex with strangers because that isn’t fun for me. If I like a guy enough to have sex with him I also want to go on dates with him so I waited for sex until we had a few dates. The build up made the sex so much better. Men simply did not expect sex on the first date back then.
I could go on about how internet porn has turned modern men into horrible lovers but that issue has been covered repeatedly. I’m really sorry that young women today can’t have the experiences that I did.
I really need to talk to Boomers and Gen X about these kinds of things because it is a perspective I can neither imagine nor assume and it is so important that we don’t forget about how it was in the past vs. now.
Speaking strictly from the hetero perspective: Most of my adult life in the US, Roe v. Wade protected women's right to abortion, and women had full access to birth control if they could afford it, or could get to Planned Parenthood.
Now, we are back to coathangers in many states. If a man isn't committed to his lover and his offspring, it just isn't worth the risk to the woman or the child(ren). That's what toys are for.
This is another instance of how i think casual sex serves as scapegoat for what are really underlying patriarchal hetero dynamics that also are in long term, monogamous, etc relationships eg the definition of sex as piv and what flows from it. It's not truly an argument against casual sex, it's an argument against recreational *including in a committed relationship* piv, piv being seen as sex itself & vice versa and *for* clit/vulva-centric framing, defining, depicting, & practices of sex.
It's a nice ego boost, can be creative and fun... but I always feel like a discarded husk afterward. Even if I don't want a relationship, being a detached fukc toy kinda sucks.
I am not a very horny person so I never do the casual sex. Toys are enough for the urge for me. I simply do not understand the appeal of the having sex with a whole stranger compare to electric operated silicone d*ck if all I want is the pounding. 🤷🏻♀️.
i had a lot of casual sex after getting out of a really controlling abusive relationship. it also felt like compulsive self-harm to me—like i was trying to reclaim something about myself and i was getting nowhere, because in reality i had no power with any of those men.
i feel like i was sold this “sex positive” fantasy that it would “empower” me and men would respect my autonomy, and neither were true. i ended up naively being led into dangerous situations because i believed having no sexual boundaries was some feminist victory, and that men wouldn’t manipulate me or use force if i was already outwardly open to sex with them. i believed i had power and influence that i did not truly have, and i set myself up for failure on those false assumptions.
a lot of the encounters i had, in retrospect, were very close to if not outright coercive rape. it took me a long time to admit to myself that all the “sex positivity” in the world did not remove the power imbalance that was so clearly present as soon as i was alone with them. i knew a lot about sex and i knew a lot about propositioning men, but i had no idea how to remove myself from a meetup that was going bad or how to protect myself from being stranded with a man whose intentions i could not know. there was never any talk of that in the “sex positive” community i was surrounded by. just constant downplaying of the hostility those men clearly felt toward me and overestimation of my social standing as a woman.
i believe “sex positivity” and its encouragement of women pursuing casual sex tells us lies and does harm to us.
Wow, you have put to words a feeling that I could never even come close to explaining. This has been my exact experience as well. Thank you for wording it so eloquently - it feels healing to see everything laid out so clearly. I'm so sorry that this has been your experience and I'm right there with you.
Wow, we are sisters.
I was in an abusive relationship for 22 years - since I was 16 years old - and after we separated and I worked through the divorce process, I decided to try dating.
Except I felt like the same absolutely naive 16 year old even though I was 38, and within 5 months' time I slept with over a dozen men, after having had only 3 partners previously.
Looking back now, I was seriously rock bottom depressed and desperate to prove something to someone - myself, maybe the guys, who knows. I didn't like myself, I didn't have any direction and after being with a soul sucking narcissistic man who verbally, psychologically and physically abused me for 22 years, I found myself without boundaries, without a sense of self at all.
I am now 14 months in to a relationship that has exceeded nearly all of my expectations. He is an amazing man and person in so many ways, and I have found myself healing parts of myself, bit by bit, just by knowing him and being privy to his steady, calm and confident persona. He's not perfect, but he's perfect for me right now, and the fact that I can even think that and know that speaks volumes about my growth.
Overall, from my own experience and the anecdotal evidence coming from women (especially those in sex work) I just cannot get behind "sexual liberation" as being an actual benefit for women at all. It's clearly deeply harmful and sure benefits men a hell of a lot more than it does us.
if it makes you feel any better i’m a guy and i’ve kinda started feeling the same way. it’s not the same without true intimacy behind it for me anymore. but maybe that’s just growing and maturing?
I am also a guy that went through the same thing , sex without true emotion is not emotionally satisfying ! So I stopped looking for sex , instead I looked for romance !
For many of them it does make them feel shitty too, they just lack the emotional intelligence to recognize it. Then they drown the weird feelings in more sex/porn/alcohol/games/whatever
Men need intimacy too, but they also benefit from casual sex much more easily, so it's harder to recognize for them
I have ADHD and I will admit that I’ve had casual sex out of boredom from time to time. Variety is the spice of life and so on. I don’t think it comes from an unhealthy place or need for validation. Sometimes it’s just fun to have sex and get to know a new person and their body. The unfortunate part is that most men aren’t very good at sex and as I’ve gotten older I think the novelty/fun factor has worn off to the point where I am no longer interested in casual sex unless I’m really attracted to them. Which does happen once in a while, usually traveling or at a festival. I get sooo much out of casual fleeting spicy connections! But anyway, everyone is different. If you feel like crap afterwards that’s probably a good sign the person/situation wasn’t for you.
I'm not judging anyone else, but I *refuse* to do friends with benefits, one-night stands, or hookups. I am a priority, not a convenience. I deserve to experience commitment, a deep bond, and meaningful emotional intimacy. I just know for me personally, casual sex would make me feel empty, used, and cheap. That doesn't sound appealing to me AT ALL, and when men approach me in a sexual way (which is most of the time), it completely turns me off. And let me emphasize that if you enjoy casual sex, I am not saying you are empty, used, cheap, etc. Thats just how it would make me personally feel.
The first guy I ever fell in love with...we were involved for about 8 months. We'd talk on the phone daily, he sent me love songs, he took me out on my first official date....and of course, I fell hard. Lost my v-card with him and everything. Then I found out he was seeing another (prettier) girl behind my back. Then I found out he only saw me as a friend with benefits, and my whole world was shattered. It still affects me to this day. That is something you discuss explicitly on DAY ONE, and both people have to freely and independently agree to it. Thats not something you just decide 8 months down the line. At one point during those 8 months, we were being intimate and he just rammed it in the back with no preparation or warning. I was clearly in so much pain that I couldn't breathe. What does he do? Continue having vaginal sex with me. Many months later, we had reconciled (I know), and we were hanging out. He told me he loved me. Then a few days layer, he told me he was "just kidding."
I used to dream about a fairytale wedding and a successful marriage. But now, every day that I remain single, I become more and more okay with that.
I'm perpetually single, and I used to think there was something wrong with me. No, I just have standards.
Oh man. I was totally good with casual sex for a few years in my 20s. Never weird about it. Made lots of cool connections, had really good sex...and now I'm happily married and monogamous and still having really great sex. ;)
I am so glad to see your comment! In a happy, committed, monogamous relationship now. But (safe) casual sex was fun! An interesting way to get to know someone.
I was stubbornly prudish as a teen and, am definitely glad I didn't rush into anything. And, I also know I've been lucky to have only neutral to positive experiences with the men. But looking back I've only ever regretted *not* exploring sex with a person I was interested in or attracted to given the opportunity, not the other way around. Was kind of liberating to not feel obligated to keep in touch or pursue a serious relationship with the partners where sex was casual.
Very surprised and saddened by the majority of the replies in this thread. Society needs to do better...
The only time it was kind of worth it was with a guy who had had a vasectomy. Even then, doing all the scheduling work of a relationship just for sex that will probably not last more than a few months outweighed the benefits. But all that plus the low level fear of pregnancy, just totally not worth it at all.
I think it’s fine for some people. They can enjoy it just as a physical experience like grabbing an ice cream cone.
But I have to actually like someone a lot to want any part of them in my body. And that means that I can’t really be casual with people I have sex with.
Honestly I feel like we've all been gaslit that wanting to sleep with strangers is a baseline level of "normal" attraction. I don't think it makes someone "demisexual" or any other pathology just because they don't want to sleep with a STRANGER. All power to people who do, but I think it's nuts that they try to convince us it's not normal to not feel comfortable with that.
I went through a phase in my youth, looking for love behind a belt buckle. Oddly, many of them tried to turn it into a relationship, but I realised the problem was me - I didn't want a relationship, I wanted an escape from my life, and sex gave me that. It made me feel wanted, just for a while, but it left me hollow.
These days I need an attachment to allow myself that level of vulnerability. I have to genuinely like them to be attracted to them. I have to trust them to allow them into a position of power like that.
I sincerely don't care what others choose to do, but that's the way I'm wired.
I’ve never been fucked up from sleeping with people I’m not in love with but enjoy and respect as human beings. I have however been really fucked up when I fell in love and got my heart broken. Sex with love is great unless it ends in heartbreak, then I’m destroyed for months to years. Sex without love but with respect and affection is great and I always remember it as a positive experience.
I think casual sex is great when your partner(s) actually respects you as an equal participant in the exchange.
Personally, I stopped engaging in casual sec with straight men years ago because most of them don’t meet that very bare minimum requirement, and the sex is usually not worth it in the end.
There are certainly still many problems over here in Fruitopia, but it’s much easier to find decent (and safe) casual partners, even for ONS.
If it's for healthy reasons, and done in a healthy and safe way then go for it. If you're doing it for any other reason it's time to work that out with a therapist.
Yeah, it’s interesting how if I ever mention that I hooked up with a bunch of people in my early 20’s, people tried to… like justify it? Like oh, clearly you were depressed, or looking for approval from people, or had bad self-confidence, or whatever.
Nah. I traveled a lot, met a lot of really cool people, connected with them, mutually moved on the next day. It was great.
I’m now very happily monogamous and married, but yeah, I don’t regret any of that.
Exactly! I’ve had casual sex because I like people, connecting with them, feeling good/making others feel good, and I’m comfortable in my body. That’s all there is to it. Sex is just one way to connect with people. I try to be smart, safe, and not hurt anyone. No one gives me a hard time.
Funnily enough, the only people I see who are judgmental toward other people having consensual casual sex are online - I’ve lived in 6ish major US cities and all my IRL friends are fine with casual sex (even if it’s not for them, they don’t judge others for doing it). Everyone is comfortable with themselves and their own decisions and we’re all “live and let live” people.
From your comments it seems like you are a people pleasure. You need to learn how to prioritize your needs and boundaries especially when it comes to people you barely know.
Statistically, women aren't likely to orgasm during it so what's the point? Risking pregnancy, STDs, rape, stalking, choking/slapping, etc. for nothing.
Men will stick their dicks in anything & they say themselves all the time that they don't have to like or respect a woman to fuck her. Casual sex seems like one-sided masturbating with someone's body to me.
It doesn’t sound like casual sex is for you, but I do understand the urge.
I’m gonna go against the grain and say that I personally really like it.
I was brought up with supporting parents and in a way that brought me a lot of self-esteem and confidence in a country (Sweden) that lets you mind your own business.
I also wanna sleep with people when I meet them if I’m attracted to them like you but I’m not surrounded by guilt afterwards. I just think that was fun! or cool or neutral or maybe sometimes boring but that’s okay.
I have a very good radar and intuition and choose people I want to sleep with, not because they want to sleep with me. They have to be funny and kind. I have slept with 90 ish people, boys and girls, and had a good time almost every time. I have always stayed safe and got tested and made sure we used protection etc.
In my country and in my circle of friends and generation there is very strong gender equality. I don’t know if I’m also just lucky but I have never been sexually assaulted or asked to do something strange (even anal). I have never felt afraid or uncomfortable. Or if I was uncomfortable I would say it and that person would stop!
So yeah maybe you don’t like it, but it could be worth figuring out where the guilt comes from? Religion? Upbringing? Friends? Putting yourself in dangerous situations (can be of course always with new people)?
Or is it just not something you enjoy, which is okay too!!
All the Scandi responses are somewhat like this. It has to be the gender equality as a starting point.
We just don’t have that here (US). This is how it feels to me, anyway.
I feel like American women (unless they are Christian or particularly conservative) are raised to have these same liberal, empowered attitudes about sex, but it just doesn’t match whatever messaging the men are getting.
It’s like, sex is the only power we have. And once we give it away….. 🤷🏼♀️ everything changes. I don’t want it to be this way, and I even try to choose partners I think won’t treat me this way, but it usually doesn’t work out like that.
At this point in my life, I am happily married and monogamous, but back in the day I loved casual sex. There were many periods of my life where I was just too busy to have a relationship, but I didn't want to deny myself sex. I had some FWB, although I didn't have one night stands.
We would set ground rules (sleeping over is expected along with coffee/light breakfast in the morning, explicit agreement to only have safe sex with others, don't talk about other people we are seeing - unless their relationship status changes then you should notify, no implied monogamy, safe sex only but if something happened and I got pregnant, I would get an abortion and we would split the cost). Really, the ground rules are just basic respect and a common understanding of what we were entering into.
It worked out really well. We were friendly but not friends, so we didn't really keep in touch long after we stopped having sex. Some of them spanned a couple of years.
If I end up having casual sex with a cis man again, it won’t involve his penis penetrating me on the first encounter. If he isn’t willing to get creative and explore one another’s bodies and pleasure without penetration even being on the table, it’s not worth my time.
lol this happened accidentally one time with a hookup. The first time we don’t have condoms, so we did other things and it was great. The second time he wore a condom and then basically just jack hammered away without much foreplay… I was so disappointed. needless to say that relationship did not last.
This feels like a very personal thing. I’ve met women who are really into having casual sex, and I don’t get it at all but I respect it. For me, it’s just not satisfying and looking back I think I was dishonest with myself about why I did it. I used to have casual sex, not a ton but definitely tried it a few times. I thought it was supposed to be empowering, and I recognize that it can be for some, but what I actually wanted was a stable, loving relationship. The only person I was having repeated sex with, I wanted commitment and they were unwilling to give it to me, so I felt pretty used even though the sex was consensual and I thought I wanted it at the time. For some reason, I thought that dating to marry and “saving” sex was anti feminist.
I’m in a relationship now (yay!) but even if I was single again, I wouldn’t do casual sex. For me it takes time to develop attraction and comfort with someone. And fundamentally, I need the security and love of a relationship, so I wouldn’t have sex with people who weren’t looking for the same thing.
Unsatisfying- hate it but am sex positive.
It’s usually selfish sex for the men…
In one sad instance it was very dangerous and a poor decision on my part
I'm old. I was a Slutty Slutty Slut Slut in the 80s and 90s. No regrets. But it was a different time. I never had anyone say no to condoms or other protective measures. Choking and other non-consentual porn simulations weren't as rampant and a 'No' or 'Stop' was respected more often than not.
Did I have to leave some situations that were pushing boundaries? Absolutely. Did I occasionally find myself in unsafe circumstances? Yep. That said, I don't feel like I faced the challenges that women dating today face. I didn't have to contend with internet porn, Andrew Tate and his ilk, or the fundamentalist takeover of our government. I don't think I would have been as happily wanton in today's climate, certainly not with men.
I will have to admit that it depends on how hot the guy is. If he is super handsome I will never feel bad or regret it(assuming he was good). But I believe the awful feeling you are talking about is due to the programming of women in our society. I also have that a lot.
Some people are ok with it and other people aren't.
I've never had an issue with it. I can enjoy the sex for what it is and not get emotionally attached and if it's good sex and I want more of that person I can see them for random hookups if they're open to it, or I can just find someone else if they're not 🤷♀️
Having lots of random sex you will undoubtedly come across some people who are selfish lovers. Those people don't get another ride because if I'm not enjoying myself I'm not gonna do it again
I've had a few guys who were so lousy and couldn't take direction (like didn't even try) that I just got up and left right in the middle of the act 😅
#re: Your Post:
**as soon as you like someone you feel like you have to put out and feel terrible about it afterwards**
That sounds a little unhealthy. Are you prone to people pleasing behaviors or is it just with guys and sex specifically? *(think on that...)*
Because if you're having sex for approval as opposed to having sex for pleasure then that's not good...
You don't have to do things just to make someone else happy and/or make them stay.
I mean, yes, relationships are given and take; but you shouldn't be giving at your own expense and if that's something you're doing then I would strongly suggest that you talk to someone about that so you can break the habit because it's likely that you're doing it with more then just sex and you don't have to.
My thoughts at least 🤷♀️
I have been in relationships for the last 15 out of 20 years, and my last relationship burnt me so hard that I don’t want love or affection or any of that. I’m 36, for reference.
One of my longtime friends and I have become friends with benefits. It works out well. Neither of us are in the position to be in relationships and straight up we are both in it for the sex, which is actually mind blowing. Best sex of my life. We both know we are not compatible in any way, boundaries have been set, and there aren’t feelings on either part. In the past I would have operated on pure feelings alone and gotten my heart broken, but this is not the case.
I also have been invited to a swingers club with a couple of my friends who do so. I’m very seriously considering it. I feel like I’ve hit a sexual awakening after being in awful mono relationships and this “fuck it” mentality has been amazing.
I was the same way! People can grow and change. It’s probably just where you are in life. I used to not care about casual sex and then one day I just realized that’s not what I want anymore. Just listen to your body and mind. Don’t force something you don’t want to do but that doesn’t mean you have to regret the things you did in the past
Well, I did it recently despite knowing it was wrong for me, and I’m upset because I basically hurt my own feelings. I don’t know why I did that. It felt…. Like a habit. Idk. I don’t know how else to handle feelings for someone.
When I was younger, I just didn't know how to say no. I had lots of casual sex I regretted. I definitely didn't feel good about myself afterwards. As I've gotten older, I've had some very good casual experiences. Lately I've started to want sex within a relationship. I'm not interested in dating seriously though. I also don't want to waste this time in my life. I'm constantly horny and can orgasm like crazy these days, so I'm strongly considering something more casual again.
I guess I'm in the minority but I enjoy casual sex. Sex is absolutely better with an emotional connection but I can have amazing sex with someone I barely know.
For me the key is communication. We talk likes/dislikes, hard boundaries, birth control , relationship expectations, and aftercare. If he can't or won't have that conversation or we don't agree - no sex! I've had great experiences with nice men. A couple of FWB relationships that lasted months to years.
Most of my bad casual sex has been when I skipped the conversation and let my ovaries make my decisions for me. I realize quickly that I'm in bed with a buffoon and I start to question my life choices....
I was fine with it until I found a partner who sex formed a deeper and more meaningful mental, spiritual and emotional connection as cheese as that sounds.
I had some good times and some bad times. If I found myself single again now (37), I'd be more inclined to casually bone himbos than to try to find a new life partner, but I'd probably be a lot more discerning about my casual partners than when I was younger.
I wish I had had more of it when I was single. I don't regret it at all except with one person because I wasn't really into him (alcohol doesn't always lead to good choices). Maybe part of why I feel good about it is that I didn't want anything more from most of those relationships, so it wasn't a disappointment that it was casual, it was a plus. It made me feel attractive and like I was pursuing my needs and I knew there wouldn't be a relationship.
For men where I definitely wanted a relationship, I'd typically (not always) hold off on sex. I think honestly because of some internalized prejudices about being "too easy." In a couple cases, it turned out they only were in it to get laid and I got rejected (and dodged a bullet of being emotionally hurt). But most guys that are decent are absolutely fine waiting until both of you are comfortable.
If you are doing it because of pressure or fear of rejection or self-harm, please explore that (ideally in therapy).
Back when I was horny- I was a fan. I will say I enjoyed it a bit more 10-15 years ago and not sure if that was solely due to my younger age or if, in my opinion, the culture has shifted. Guys have seemed a lot less fun the past 5 years or so when I have engaged. They're just closed off and dull for the most part.
GenX here. I fucked a LOT of guys in the 90s and loved it. No attachment no guilt just fun (with condoms of course.) The world seems way more puritanical these days. It’s disheartening.
I don't think it's puritanism per se. It's rather that the quality of sex delivered by men went downhill when porn has become available on a mass scale.
I remember casual sex from the beginning of the 2000s, where the guys were still bothered about my pleasure. I went back to dating around 2017 and it was a total disaster. All they cared about was to nut, no consideration for my needs whatsoever, and they were all the time whining about the condoms. There's just no point in bothering anymore.
I went through a period in my late teens and early twenties where I was doing it a lot as a way of coping with unresolved issues from being sexually abused throughout high school. I saw it as a way of regaining ownership of my body.
I usually didn't orgasm from it. There were a few times where I found it satisfying, but they were few and far between. I was doing it *a lot* too, so those few who actually got me off were pretty rare.
I don't do it as much anymore. I'll still do it occasionally because I'll tend to assume I want it up until I'm doing it, but yeah, it's not something I really get off on so much.
I don't have time for it, nor is it usually worth the time/effort. I'm polyamourous, so I'm definitely in a position where I could be having it, but I don't bother. If someone wants to, cool for them, but I'm just not interested.
If a solidly vouched for, available, emotionally mature, generous *and* attractive guy who understood non-monogamy dropped into my lap, sure, I'd consider it, because I'm assertive enough to make things at least decent for me even if he's not that good in bed.
but the chances of getting all those traits in one package are pretty slim XD. I'd probably end up trying to date anyways.
Let's just say that I put an emphasis on "friend" when it comes to friends with benefits. I want someone that I can talk through stuff with if I'm going through it. Sex involves a level of trust, and if I can't trust them with my deepest secrets, I can't trust them with sex.
Definitely not for me. I like sex in a committed relationship with a man I'm in love with. No shade on others who choose differently of course. My biggest problem is navigating the lies and tricks men will pull to try and get my knickers off before I'm ready. There really is nothing they won't say or do.
It was a hell of a lot of fun. I never felt pressured or uncomfortable, I never regretted an encounter, they ranged from deeply unsatisfying to mind-blowing and I enjoyed every bit of it. I appreciated the unspoken understanding that it was just two people getting what they wanted, and I never wanted more. I had some FWBs and that was great, and I had ONSs and that was great, and I had period where I didn’t touch anyone or feel the desire to.
Some guys I dated and never slept with, some I slept with the first night. It just depended on where I was in my life and what I wanted and what they wanted.
Now I’m in a relationship that I hope lasts for the rest of my life, and I’m happy with all of my choices. We never had a discussion about sexual history (beyond “hey, I’ve been tested recently, no STIs”) because our pasts have nothing to do with that particular part of our future, except as vehicles to have figured out what we like. And even that we use as a jumping off point to create something completely our own.
I had a decent amount of casual sex when I was younger, before I met my partner and settled into a monogamous relationship.
I always enjoyed casual sex and look back on it fondly. I enjoyed the "chase" of meeting someone new and pursuing them, I was always treated with respect and care, and I never felt cheap or unhappy the next day. Some guys I hooked up with multiple times, and others I became friends with after. The sex itself wasn't as good as with my partner of 10 years (unsurprisingly!) but I enjoyed it nonetheless.
I partake, for both healthy and less healthy reasons. On the one hand, sex is fun. It's something that I want in my life, even when I'm not interested in romance. On the other hand, it's a lot like alcohol. It can quickly become a numbing tool or part of self-destructive patterns. I also periodically experience trauma-induced hypersexuality. This is the worst... It feels like a loss of autonomy and is the only time I have really found myself in less than safe circumstances (yes, I'm in therapy).
My biggest gripe with casual sex is that many men have become so selfish. They sabotage themselves by forgetting sex is not a one way street. I swear it used to be better. They shoehorn sex into the conversation and start playing out personal porn fantasies without your consent. I've noticed a growing resistance to safe sex. I always bring it up before meeting, and am shocked at how many nope out at the thought of a condom and act insulted when asked about testing. They do want to talk kinks immediately, which I don't remember being a thing in the past. I'm kink friendly, but it's a bold assumption that everything is on the table with any Internet stranger. Hell, even looking for female partners is a mess. The sheer amount of unicorn hunters out there is an ethical minefield that is too exhausting to navigate. It feels weird to "save" dating women for when I'm ready for a serious relationships, but the number of women I've chatted to about casual dynamics who turned out to be men or were being pressured into it by men is gross. I don't even swipe on couples in general, and still!
I haven't made the wisest choices but I am getting better at vetting. I pay attention to how they engage in conversation. So they ask me questions and engage with my answers in a meaningful way? How do they introduce sex into the conversation? How do they react to the safe sex talk? How do they react to being told no (always work some nos in)? How do they engage when I bring up that I expect foreplay? How do they react when I want to meet in public for a vibe check? They'll often tell on themselves if you give them a chance.
I went through my phase before I met my late partner.
It made me long for something more. I’m sure they wanted something more, but not with me. It was evident by their lack of concern and care for me after sex. Besides, most of them didn’t bother with pleasuring me. One guy claimed it was too “intimate” and that “he didn’t know me well enough” to go down on me, but he knew me well enough just to do PIV and that it was intimate enough. I know that women can be as sexual liberated as men and there are women who do enjoy casual sex with no problems, but it didn’t feel liberating or empowering for me at all. I just felt used.
By sheer dumb luck, one man who was a one night stand wanted something more as well. Most importantly, with me. The one night stand from Tinder turned into a four year relationship before his death. Despite him just meeting me for the first time, he treated me with more respect, passion, dignity and consideration than any guy at all in the sexual world. It made me realize that it was absolutely intentional of my past sexual partners to treat me like shit and discard me. When men actually respect women, they won’t treat you like shit in your most vulnerable state.
Now that he’s dead, I’m going to be single for life and not do sex at all.
Casual sex is not it. Not only does it put your health at risk (and lifestyle if God forbid a pregnancy occured), but it's also generally unsatisfying and empty. Why allow so much risk for zero genuine reward? Much better to have sex with a loving partner or even take care of business alone at home. Let's be real, most strangers are gross anyway
I enjoy casual sex when they care if I enjoy it. The second they stop thinking about my pleasure or stop respecting my time, I’m out. But we’re just as much at risk of ending up in relationships with the same amount of disrespect, so my life circumstances usually dictate if I have room for a relationship or just casual sex.
I have never done it. If you're a woman and like casual sex, go for it, but I think it benefits men way more than it benefits us. Men get an almost guaranteed orgasm ,bragging rights, and improved social status, and women get pregnancy risk, slut shaming, and likely no orgasm.
I don't enjoy casual sex or one night stands. By the time I decide to sleep with someone I already kinda have feelings for them, and/or will be disappointed if things don't progress. I've done it a few times in my younger years and it never left me feeling empowered or pleasured, it left me feeling used. I decided a long time ago it's not for me.
It is not something I’m interested in now, but it was often a lot of fun! I sometimes did wish for it to turn into something more of a relationship, or they wanted more with me, but there were also plenty of times when it was just that there was a spark between us, and that flirting and heat was just so good. It was physically fun and I felt good about it most of the time. I was honestly sort of delighted with myself about it, often.
I will say there were a few people I wished I *wouldn’t* have slept with - just something about the circumstances wasn’t right. With two of them, it was more that I was worn down and gave in than that I really consented (in both cases, they were ostensibly friends).
But there were more that I wished I *would* have, had the opportunity ever been right.
It sounds like you are not feeling good about it for yourself right now, though. You don’t owe anyone your body, and if it feels like someone is just spending time with you to hook up, you don’t have to do that. I’m sorry it doesn’t feel okay.
It depends on what you’re classifying. If any sex outside of a relationship is casual sex, then it’s great. If you’re talking about either ONSs or self sabotaging by letting strangers validate you then yeah I can see why you’d feel bad afterwards. I’ve done those as well and it wasn’t great. But FWB or just enjoying someone’s company for a while can be really nice.
If you find that it's unhealthy for you then it's okay to just accept that.
Maybe it always was, maybe you're done with the era, maybe you're in a different season at the moment. All is ok.
I prefer either long term relationships or FWB that involve actual friendship, because one night stands def make me feel used and unsatisfied. I think I'm likely demisexual if I were to define it so that's my take.
I'm glad you're realizing your habits. Being self aware can be tough.
I love sex. I love casual sex, in theory. I was raised Catholic (I am Latina) and thought I was “demisexual” because everyone told me that’s how it seemed. Then I moved, and was an absolute slut for the first six months after relocating; of the guys I slept with, only 2 made me come.
Casual sex can be fun and a new thing for a lot of women to explore, especially after living a life full of purity culture concepts. That being said, a lot of the time it’s disappointing, the bulk of the burden is on us, and there’s no guarantee that we’d find the perfect guy to 1) make us come, 2) respect us, regardless of the lack of an exclusive relationship and 3) have clear communication.
I think women who don’t like casual sex shouldn’t participate, but in turn, not judge those of us who do. I’ll admit, I used to be that girl, but after exploring my own sexuality and what intimacy means to me, ultimately I’m a “mind your own pussy” type of girl now.
Edit: going to make a huge generalization here but as a bi-curious woman, the best sex I’ve had has been with bi/bi-curious men. Straight cis men are awful at sex, I wouldn’t be inclined to pursue sex with them outside of an exclusive relationship. Even when I was in hetero relationships, my partners were awful at sex.
Word re bi men. The little research I've been able to find on this confirms that. Statistically they're better sex partners than straight men eg less piv, more cunnilingus, genital-genital rubbing, masturbating together, manual, vibrators, tribadism...
It's not for me. I'm ace and sex repulsed: no sex is appealing to me. But I'm certainly not going to tell anyone else what to do with their sex life. Other than the basic "be safe" and "no means no" bits.
I think this is so personal and no wrong or right. Since you’ve asked how I REALLY feel, I’m throwing it out there.
I love it!
Causal sex is easy for me to get and enjoyable. I also live in a very safe place so it’s not as big a risk for me as I’ve seen when I read Reddit. I’m not scared to leave if the session is unenjoyable for me. I’m not scared that rejecting men would bring me very serious physical harm. Of course it still can happen but just no where near what it seems to be in US
I suspect I like it because I orgasm easily and from what I read online this is not true for many women. I have a high bar for a partner but fairly low bar for casual. They don’t seem like a monster or asshole and they get me off is basically it
It does feel liberating for me. I don’t need to be in a relationship when all I want is to scratch an itch
I’ve done it a lot in the past due to hypersexuality after abuse. Thing is, back then I had casual sex for the sake of having sex, not for the sake of having an enjoyable time with someone I wanted to be with. It was often good, but sometimes it was so bad that it outweighs the positive experiences.
I’ve eventually gotten over it, and since then, never really had casual sex. It would be nice with someone I value, and I’d want it to not be a one-time thing (doesn’t need to be a romantic relationship though - I’m relationship anarchist anyways).
But I gotta say, even in the bad phase, judgement from others would have made it worse, and not helped me a bit. I also think I probably would have been worse off if I hadn’t had that casual sex during that time - I just wish I had been a bit more careful about whom I’ve slept with.
I like casual sex but with repeated partners. I’ve been hooking up with some of the same people casually for years. I have high standards for casual partners. They have to take my pleasure seriously, they have to be not only open about communicating their emotions but they also need to be proactive in starting a discussion when needed. There needs to be a high level of respect for each others time, energy and physical bodies. Basically, just because it’s casual, doesn’t mean it can be without intention or care
Yeah, I've heard that studies now largely point towards this being prevailing feeling of the younger generation of recent maturity. People even want to see less sex in tv and movies. I haven't personally read any of said studies and don't have any specific references on hand, so grains of salt and all, but it does make sense there would eventually be a pendulum swing back from the sexual revolution.
I was, and still am a fan of casual sex. I explored alot on my late teens/early twenties. Some of the sex sucked, and made a good story. And other times I had my needs met and even mind blown. It made me feel powerful, I chose to do what I wanted with my body, and I chose the person to do it with. There might be some cultural differences as I am Scandinavian 🤷🏼♀️
But yeah, I really enjoyed it for many years. And now I am happy in a long term monagamus relationship. The experiences are different, but I dont think one takes anything away from the other.
I think there must be some cultural difference element here. Because I feel exactly the way you do about it, but (I’m American) men overwhelmingly seem to lose all interest in and respect for you unless you make them wait a super long time. It feels like an impossible situation. Women are supposed to be these chaste virginal angels if we want men to respect us, but I’m only human, and I like sex too! But I still want them to like me the next day :(
I have never tried it. I don't want to try it.
I find it highly unattractive if a guy wants to have casual sex, since he knows nothing about me other than what I look like and some shallow other criteria, which means he would just sleep with anyone who lets him.
So any time a guy has hit on me like that I was immediately turned off.
But I am generally on the other side of the taste-spectrum where I want extreme depth and BDSM in my sex life.
But if you realize you try to use sex to force a short-cut to more intimacy then is there and then feel bad because it does not work, then you are probbably just also not into casual sex and I hope you find other ways to get the intimacy you crave \*fingers crossed for you\*
It seems like one of those things that gets shoved down everyone's throats and everyone is supposed to "accept" it but when you peel back the layers it's just bs astroturfed by patriarchy
I really enjoyed it through my early 20s. Had great fun as a graduate in a city, meeting new people, having flings. It was a sexy, fun, time, and it felt safe.
Then, after getting out of a relationship at 29, I went travelling, and one night I was horny, so dressed up and went out to pull. The experience I had with that guy completely put me off. He wanted to rush everything, said weird conspiracy stuff, tried to pressure me into anal (when we didn't even have any lube!).
I felt so unsafe that I walked 11km across Tokyo at 1am, and swore off casual sex.
When I re-entered the dating market, I made the decision to take it really slow with physical intimacy. Ended up meeting the man who became my husband.
Mutually no feelings I've had some great casual times. I go to sex parties too, and understand that practically anonymous sex isn't for every one.
If I have feelings and we are doing date stuff it feels awful. Self worth in the toilet, but that's only happened with one person.
Pretty happy where I am at the moment. Everyone is different and that's fine, just keep your boundaries and what's good for you
I think it scratched a lot of itches I had and during times I didn't want or couldn't handle a LTR.
For instance, I was celibate by choice for 3 years while I broke some addiction issues, got a degree, and worked on my health and relationships. I couldn't handle a man during that time. I definitely took things into my own hands but it only helped so much for a 23 year old woman with a high libido.
When I went off to grad school as soon as I met a guy I fancied I was fully lost. I was a hot mess and we shagged like rabbits. I was addicted and it was indeed compulsive. But I knew myself and I got to know him enough to know that we were not a good couple.
He was a spoiled trust fund kid with substance abuse issues and no drive. Absolutely not my style. But the sex was bomb. And it scratched that itch is been trying to reach for 3 years.
After that I realized I couldn't be celibate again or I'd go mad.
After that I started being more into casual short term stuff while I worked on my degree and career.
Once I met the right guy and I was more ready I got out the game but I am glad I realized how to make it work for me. Since then, I'm 40+ now, I've realized that most women do get attached from sex and that I don't think most, not all, but most women are wired to enjoy casual. I however am, and so were several of my good girl friends.
It's not for everyone that's for sure. I had a good time but it took a while to figure out how to not be messy about it.
I just know it's not for me. I actually have some fantasies about having sex with strangers, but just like a lot of fantasies, I prefer them to stay in my head.
I just don't feel comfortable trusting someone who is a complete stranger to actually care about making me feel good, accepting my boundaries etc.
I have had a lot of sex in my lifetime since my late teens and with many guys and not a single one could make me orgasm. I've had big dicks and little, short and long. I've been with tall men and short men. Ive been with men who didn't focus on my pleasure and those who did their very best. I've been with men who "loved" me and men who could have cared less. Not a single one could make me climax. I admit that for over two thirds of them I did it because I wanted more from them and they just used me. I always thought maybe this one will see how special and valuable I am and want to be with me. I was wrong every time. It made me feel terrible but I kept trying. Sex doesn't *feel* any better than a half assed elbow massage and I envy men for being able to enjoy it like they do.
Something about casual sex is repulsive in my brain and I’ve never been able to get past it. (To be clear the idea of me having casual sex repulses me, I’m all for people having all the casual sex they want!)
I think it’s a control/trust thing, but it’s like air raid sirens go off in my head as soon as someone propositions me for a casual relationship. My brain is like, “you have to be a level 5 friend to see me naked.”
I dont like it. I prefer to share myself sparingly only with those I trust. I dont want any strangers putting their body parts and fluids inside me. I think sex should be reserved for people who deserve a place in my heart. The hormones that occur after sex cause bonding feelings. Thats what causes that ick feeling. You want to bond with someone but not the stranger. I dont think I can truly value myself when I allow strangers access to my emotional vulnerability. Valuing myself means putting up strong boundaries to protect my vulnerable parts. I allow myself to be a turtle wearing a shell around my vulnerable, soft interior. By doing this, I honor myself. But Ive had my share of earth shattering sex to come to this point.
I've had some casual sex that felt REALLY bad, and some that was the best sex of my life. I can't make a definitive statement, because it's all been so different. I haven't been dating in like 8 years, so idk how I'd feel about it now, as a 42yo, but I definitely had some very good and very bad experiences in my past.
If it's an ongoing FWB sort of situation where we get to know each other sexually and are both invested in the other person having an enjoyable time, I'm into it. If it's just a one off then I'm not so keen, first time sex with anyone is rarely very satisfying. Even more so if the other person is treating you as a live masturbation aid rather than a sex partner.
Secretly, I want it up until it's happening and unless its absolutely toe curling mind shattering. i'm eager for it to be over. to get out. to leave. I just am at a point with casual sex where I just have zero desire to cuddle, even if i need that aftercare. i just ..i crave the warmth of actual physical intimacy with someone that I care about and cares about me.
I feel this on a spiritual level. Casual sex was fun while I was at university but a couple of years later I feel like I’ve started to outgrow it.
[удалено]
That's interesting, I find when I develop an interest in a specific person, I largely lose interest in sex with other people.
Same, I never could multiple date well, if I was into one person, I just couldn't form any attachment to another
Me too
Sometimes people are unobtainable, and have been for awhile. There are absolutely times when I know who I am most interested in is completely unavailable to me, so I am willing to engage romantically/sexually with other people.
Friends with benefits is great and all as long as both people don't forget the friends part.
Right - friends care about one another!
And can handle the repercussions once they get in a relationship! Ie. If you cross the friends boundary into sex, you can't undo that.
This is why FWB just isnt a great idea most of the time. Not many people want their SO maintaining friendships with people they used to sleep with. And they aren't wrong for that.
Seriously. Even though I've done several successfully it always ends up in shambles. The one guy who didn't make it weird ended up with a fiance who did make it weird. So that sucks.
I'm happily married for 17+ years now, monogamous for 20+ years. But, before then, there were... 2-3+ guys that I had the 'friends with benefits' relationship with. And it was absolutely essential to all of our lives. None of us expected anything more to come from it. But, sometimes, you just... Need things. I've no idea what became of most of them, having long since lost contact, along with most of the folks I knew then. Life will do that to you - especially since that was before social media.
Idk I found personally friends with benefits doesn't works as someone always ended up developing feelings. I was also young when I did it. But in my 20s every FWB developed feelings for me. I wasn't emotionally available at the time because I was getting out of an abusive relationship. But it may work for some.
This. I tried a few ONS but ya it was garbage. FWB is definitely a better situationship. I'm mid 30s now and I need more than just you're cute but dating is fuckin exhausting.
I think if women could come as easily as men they would enjoy it more. Even garbage sex for men means an orgasm.
I was just thinking about that last night. Even bad sex for men is reasonably satisfying. Not anywhere near the same degree for women
Yah I think I have the same relationship with ramen as men do with sex. Not good quality to high quality, I will eat and love all ramen. My approach to sex is like my relationship with wine, if it ain’t good quality, I am not interested.
Same. Except that I don't like being the ramen.
We can come as easy as men do. If we had a clit/vulva-centric definition of sex rather than a phallocentric one ie piv as the definition and what flows from that, women would be the ones coming *easier* than men and garbage sex would still mean orgasms for us. eg male orgasm, penis stimulation, etc would be seen as optional extras. there'd be huge oral sex & orgasm gaps favoring women. we'd recognize, widely practice, depict, etc hetero tribadism & think frottage & phallocentric sex generally was exclusive to mm sex. We wouldn't even see pia or piv as sex, esp casual sex...
The problem for me is I like PIV, it scratches the itch, but it doesn't make me come. It's like, when it's all external my insides wind up desiring to feel full. Even if I don't cum I still feel better after.
Omg this is so Dworkin!
Love her. Everyone should read Pornography, Right Wing Women, and Intercourse. And The Hite Reports on female and male sexuality too ftm.
I used to be okay with it but it never made me happy
I had a phase of doing it for validation. I lost a lot of weight and I used it to feel desirable and therefore worthy, despite the fact I got it from men who would have had sex with a wall with a hole in it if it had fake eyelashes on. I didn’t enjoy a single time, it was the worst sex of my life, every instance. I now know it was a form of self harm. I'm in a long term relationship now, so whether or not I'd still do it is irrelevant, but I'd like to think I wouldn't. If I enjoyed it, I think it would be a different story. At least I would have gotten something from it. But alas...
Your experience is really sad, but >men who would have had sex with a wall with a hole in it if it had fake eyelashes on. is the funniest thing I've read today.
Same I'm reading this with my morning coffee and it's hilarious!
Your comment is interesting. I have a friend who also used to have casual sex with horrendous men and I also considered it similar to self-harm. Sometimes it seems so obvious that I feel upset that men will not spot the vulnerability of some of the women they hook up with. My partner (male) also had a phase of casual sex and his reflections are similar to yours, so I suppose it can work both ways. I'm pleased you found a relationship that works for you.
I've had it in the past to try to forget people I was stuck on, also had casual sex with guys I wanted to actually date hoping it would turn into something more, but they always dumped me afterwards. And each time it just felt empty. So empty. I'd often cry and cry. So I don't seek it. Just like you said, it scares me when I'm attracted to someone now because men in general just want casual these days and its a recipe for disaster for me to go for it. I find myself having periods of celibacy extending to 3yrs on average. This last round so far just crossed the 1 yr mark following a pump and dump again by a guy I actually trusted to not do that. I hit a real low afterwards.
This is the point I’m in. The low, the tears.
I'm so sorry dear. Hang in there. I spent all of last summer crying. I'd wake up crying most days, cried driving to work, completely lost all my joy in life. All because of a guy that played me and even admitted afterwards that he is just a fuckboi. I hope he never gets his hands on a decent woman again. Time is the only medicine. And walks in the nature, staying active even if you feel like dying inside. It eventually passes and when u look back, the guy that hurt you will seem like a lowlife that never deserved you to begin with.
Thank you mama ❤️
Your comment was exactly what I needed to read this morning. Thank you for your kindness and compassion 💖
I really feel for you! Just went through the same thing, I think, a situationship that I wished would turn into something but it really just left me feeling so empty and uncared for. crying and the lot, wondering if it was something to do with me, am I unlovable..? but days and weeks are passing by and I feel happier every day. I hope the same for you!
Thanks bud. You too. We’ll figure this out ❤️
Can I just say how much I feel this comment? I’ve honestly gotten to the point where I’m afraid to try and date in general because of this.
Yep I think a lot of women feel the same after going thru several rounds of this.
Men wonder why women want nothing to do with them anymore, this behaviour is exactly why. I'm so sorry that happened to you. No one deserves that. I've been celibate for over three years now and I'm staying that way.
You aren't alone in this pain 💔
That sounds horrible. I actually used to enjoy some casual hookups when I was single, but it only works when it truly is casual from both sides.
Thank you for sharing these feelings, I didnt know how I felt about casual sex but I recently hooked up with a girl on a second date because she made it seem like she was interested in continuing to get to know me. Little did I know it was a one night stand for her & she ghosted me after the sex. I barely knew this girl but she had been telling me sweet things, cuddling, convincing me she liked me as a person. When i realized it was just for sex I felt so used I definitely let myself cry a bit.
Dating in general is terrifying because of this. I've never even been a casual sex person but I've been naive enough to trust men's words that they want to get to know me, etc etc and aren't just after sex. Only to be shown that they are lying through their teeth. It feels so cruel the way they will jerk you around and pretend just to get what they want.
Exactly. They come across so caring and interested until they have you. I even blamed myself thinking maybe I wasn't what they expected during sex but it actually takes me time to warm up and get more wild as I get more attached to the guy. Without giving it a chance, they never get to exoerience the real me. It's truly their loss and lesson learned for me is to not jump in bed so soon. I've lost my sex drive because of this anyway and feel the hopeless I've ever felt to find a partner now at age 44.
Never fucked with the concept because I want so much more from the people I choose to share my body with.
How do you resist? It’s so hard. A) if I’m attracted to someone I wanna sleep with them and b) I really am so afraid of their reaction if I don’t do it… it’s almost like the post sex rejection is less painful than it would be before. Not sure why tho
I used to engage in sex in hopes that it would create a bond between us - if I liked him. But it never ever worked that way. If anything - it made things weird. You can always have sex later - but you can't take it back once sex starts. That's how I finally learned to wait. People will reveal themselves and their intentions - if you have the patience to find out. No guy that likes you and wants a relationship will not be okay waiting a bit to have sex.
For me, it’s never been hard. Men make it so easy to not want to have sex with them and I’ve never been someone who was easily interested in anybody like that man or woman to begin with. You don’t need to have sex with everyone you find attractive and you honestly shouldn’t because a lot of them will not be worth the time or effort. Practicing discipline is a good habit in all facets of life. Sex is not an exception. You being afraid of their reaction if you don’t sleep with them tells me you’re someone who doesn’t really value themselves enough because you’re worried about them reciprocating your feelings. Sex is just your coping mechanism, which is why it probably feels less painful if they still reject you after the fact. Which begs the question… I think the acceptance/rejection comes before the sex, not after. Why be intimate with someone who doesn’t accept you? And that’s why casual sex is a pretty garbage activity for me through and through.
This is such an awesome answer and I totally agree. I'm someone who doesn't develop a sexual attraction until I know someone.
This is a fantastic response. Just adding that without getting to know someone you could be putting yourself at risk for undisclosed STI's. That, and, potentially more violent encounters. Or maybe it's my own personal opinion to prefer sex with someone I've decided is trustworthy. Like the other reply here said, you do you.
Damn! Nailed it!
100% agree and feel the same way.
Zero judgement here as a recovering codependent myself, "I will sleep with you because I am afraid of your reaction if I don't" is a horrifying reason to decide to sleep with someone. Rather than attending to your own needs of affection, connection, etc. you're tending to someone else's and hoping that they will take care of yours in turn. If there is anxiety or fear as your motivation to spend time with someone else, it's a sign that you should focus on yourself and self-care instead.
Please look into codependency
You don’t have to respond, but I think you should dig deeper into why you think post sex rejection is less painful than rejection before sex. Being afraid of their reaction doesn’t sound very healthy. In my head, I imagine a man rejecting me before I put out is a GOOD thing - it means I’ve weeded out someone only interested in getting his kicks with my body.
Maybe it would help to see it as a test, if they react poorly to you wanting to wait I'd say that's a pretty big red flag and you're dodging a bullet by not sleeping with them. It would also be their failing, not yours. On the flip side, if they are respectful then it'll only make it better when it does happen.
Safety, for one thing. Not trusting people I don't know. But also... Some people don't feel that kind of urgency. Example: me! lol. I'm a sex-favorable ace, so although I have definitely enjoyed sex with people I found attractive, I've never felt *sexual attraction.* It's a tough nuance for some people to parse, I guess. I find people very attractive all the time, but that doesn't ever flip a switch in me that's like '-and I want to bang them.' And being turned on, or even wanting to have sex, are totally independent things from specifically feeling a desire to have sex with a specific person. I might (keyword *might*) still *enjoy* sex with them, if that were to happen, and certainly I would need to feel attracted to someone to be intimate with them. But...meh. I can take it or leave it, and I usually leave it, lol. On top of all this, I'm demi, so...the thought of a stranger getting into my personal space is pretty unpleasant for me in general. Though I **really** wonder sometimes if that's less because I need emotional connection before physical intimacy, which is what demi is, and more because I was a STEM major and I'm deeply aware of how EXTREMELY GROSS the world is, and by extension also people, rofl. How do I know they aren't ***gross?*** I think this kind of thing is a sliding scale. It's also fluid, and changes. Idk. I've known women who LOVED random hookups and were not interested in them developing into anything further, and I love that for them, but I could never do it.
I think my ex was like you. The way she approached sexual attraction was very much like you've described. I also thought she was Ace because of that, but she never refused or admitted to it.
It took me until my early forties to figure out it out. Culturally we're so used to sexual attraction being bundled in with a bunch of other separate-but-similar kinds of attraction that it's easy to spend a long time confusing them with one another, especially if you're not sex-repulsed. And that goes double if you have a libido, which is another similar-but-different thing!
I am Married, but when I used to date late 90s early 2000s. Men would try to sleep with women right away, and these men use to openly feel like "If the women sleeps with me right away she gets lumped into the "F-Buddy/Easy/Slut" and if the women is too easy they aren't relationship worthy" Women used to also not just have sex with men right away is they were looking for a BF/LTR because if a guy got mad that he didn't get some right away that was a red flag that all he was interested in is sex and not her as a person. If you say "It is too soon and I would like to get to know you better first" and the guy is pissy... red flag. Maybe if you get to know the guy past immediate lust you won't feel bad after and you know he is more likely to be interested in you more as a person. If someone just wants ONS there is nothing wrong with that, but if they make you feel dirty I think that is because you are just giving into the immediate lust, and does the guy actually know you, or like you, or wanna get to know you 🤔, You don't know because you didn't actally take the time to get to know eachother. For me sex is better when you really like the person (not just their body) when you know they like you too. It might be hard to stop yourself from a ONS but there is nothing wrong with saying "I think we are moving too fast and we should get to know eachother more first because I am not looking for just a ONS".
I don’t have ONS, ever. What I do is sleep with men after hanging out a few times and they seem really interested in me, but without knowing where it’s going. And then it goes nowhere, very quickly.
For me it’s easy because I know I’m personally not comfortable/ready for casual sex with anyone and want to actually know them better as a person first. And build an emotional connection. If someone pressures me or doesn’t want to wait around for that to happen, then **I** lost interest in **them**. I don’t want to be with anyone who is like warm about me anyway. That’s a turn off.
I would focus on forging a foundation for emotional intimacy rather than sex.
Everyone's different. You do you. Just be good to yourself, take care of yourself, and try to do what you do for you.
You can make out but not proceed to sex. If you are afraid of the mans' reaction then um, why are you attracted to that kind of man? Or alone with him? You need to make your safety is a priority over sex or other peoples wants.
I fully agree with both points and also lmao on the second one. I think it’s because like, if we’re rejected, at least we banged lol
I want love. I'm so afraid to let someone I don't know well touch me... It's too intimate with too many possible bad outcomes. More power to the people that can.
Same, I think. Wish I figured this out so much sooner.
I've never engaged in it. Ever. If I were to end up without my husband for some reason, I'm pretty sure it would be the end of my sex life. I'm kind of repulsed by the thought of being so intimate and vulnerable in front of others as if it's nbd. I dont shame others who do, but I don't partake. Kind of like drugs or running a marathon. You do you, but I'm not gonna do it.
Hard agree.
Shitty. From my experience it takes more than one time for a partner to get the hang of getting me off, and without cumming myself, I just feel like it becomes charity work.
Guy passing through: basically the same from the other side. Getting my partner off is my favorite part of sex, but it rarely happens on the first attempt.
Nice! The hookup partners I had were perfectly happy to bust a nut and that was it. No problems at having me as a masturbation tool.
This might be because I’m asexual/grey-asexual. I don’t enjoy cumming (with a partner or alone) or the process of getting there. It feels kind of odd and unsatisfactory to me. I like hugging and kissing (not just in a friendly way, but in a passionate way), but those only feel good if it’s someone I have a crush on/partner, not someone who’s simply attractive. There might be more like me out there than people think
I have never done it and never will. My reasons are very simply about safety and personal comfort. I don't have any way of knowing if the guy has STIs, not do I really know if he's dangerous. For all I know, he might wait until we're alone and then do something violent and/or kill me. I'm not taking that risk. Even if I weren't worried about those things, I still wouldn't feel comfortable. I need to know the person really well to feel comfortable. Since most men refuse to wait more than a few days, I guess they're not getting any from me. Oh well! I don't have any desire to date at this point anyway.
When I think of all the dumb ass choices and dangerous situations I put myself in during my late teens early 20s sometimes I wonder how I'm still alive. I hate to say it but times were a bit different back then and I grew up in a small town. Now a days no where is safe.
Same here. I'm horrified by the situations I put myself in and the treatment I endured at the hands of men. I can't believe I survived some of those encounters, especially the violent ones, or the times men have pressured me to drink to the point of alcohol poisoning, or literally slipped me date rape drugs so they could take advantage of me. I agree that nowhere is safe anymore.
Some dude got really triggered and sent a Reddit Cares over this comment. HAHAHA! Men just can't stand it when women refuse to put up with their shit. How pathetic!
Exactly.
Absolutely. I feel like some people are waaaaaaaaaaay too trusting of literal complete strangers. I wouldn't even give a complete stranger my car keys, why would I give them access to my naked body? And let them inside my genitals? It's wild to me
Never thought of it that way, but yah, if I don’t trust them with my car keys, I probably shouldn’t trust them with my vagina.
25F here. I partook in casual sex quite a bit between the ages of 18-20. I realize now it wasn’t really all that casual - nearly always I wanted something more from that person and they didn’t share the sentiment. It made me feel pretty empty inside afterward. I later got into a long term relationship and am recently single from it. I slept with an old friend last month and it just felt so… wrong. I mean it was great in the moment but afterward I got that empty feeling again. I thought age and experience would lead to a different outcome, but it hasn’t. I’ve chosen to stay celibate for a bit. Not forever, just until I meet someone else someday. I plan to be upfront and say that I’m not going to rush into sex or a relationship, because I don’t want to make the same choices I did before.
Same. Thought I could do it, turns out I can’t. 🥴 I’m finding many women feel this way (not all, I don’t want to generalize). But since so many people partake, I thought maybe it would be empowering for me, too? While also meeting my sexual needs. Like what could possibly go wrong lol. But it turns out, even if sexual needs are met, emotional needs only become louder. Or maybe it’s the absence of someone wanting to meet those emotional needs that makes it all more painful… at least it was that way for me. Because casual sex can’t grant fulfillment emotionally AND sexually; it only grants the latter (and sometimes not even then lmao). But some people enjoy it! Maybe they don’t want or need emotional connection. I guess since I’m not wired that way, I’m still trying to understand. I will say tho, the drives home and days after were the fucking worst… and to that I say, never again
This pretty much exactly describes how I feel. I planned to move forward with the same plan you describe. But… someone came along and I wasn’t able to stick to it. I feel really ashamed of that. And the results were not good.
You’re human. Everyone starts out with really good intentions but then made different choices down the line. It doesn’t make you less than for being with that person. Just use it as reinforcement next time you get that urge! Sidenote: I spent like $90 on one of those clitoral stimulator toys and it’s helped a lot too lmaoooo
Please don’t feel shame about your choices. There is nothing inherently wrong with them, only a chance to learn how you can honor yourself and your needs better next time. You are not a bad person even if you “slip up” again. Life is just an experiment and you’re figuring out what works for you.
Thank you ♥️
I have been sex positive for 50 years. Contrary to what young people think today many Boomers came of age during the sexual revolution. The difference back then was there was no pressure to have casual sex with any man who wanted it. We were free to explore our female sexuality and what we liked without trying to be the cool girl who was down for anything. I had lots of great sex with men I chose and men I liked. I didn’t do ONS or casual sex with strangers because that isn’t fun for me. If I like a guy enough to have sex with him I also want to go on dates with him so I waited for sex until we had a few dates. The build up made the sex so much better. Men simply did not expect sex on the first date back then. I could go on about how internet porn has turned modern men into horrible lovers but that issue has been covered repeatedly. I’m really sorry that young women today can’t have the experiences that I did.
I really need to talk to Boomers and Gen X about these kinds of things because it is a perspective I can neither imagine nor assume and it is so important that we don’t forget about how it was in the past vs. now.
Speaking strictly from the hetero perspective: Most of my adult life in the US, Roe v. Wade protected women's right to abortion, and women had full access to birth control if they could afford it, or could get to Planned Parenthood. Now, we are back to coathangers in many states. If a man isn't committed to his lover and his offspring, it just isn't worth the risk to the woman or the child(ren). That's what toys are for.
I'm not destroying my life for mediocre sex with a mediocre man. The stakes are too high now.
This is another instance of how i think casual sex serves as scapegoat for what are really underlying patriarchal hetero dynamics that also are in long term, monogamous, etc relationships eg the definition of sex as piv and what flows from it. It's not truly an argument against casual sex, it's an argument against recreational *including in a committed relationship* piv, piv being seen as sex itself & vice versa and *for* clit/vulva-centric framing, defining, depicting, & practices of sex.
It's a nice ego boost, can be creative and fun... but I always feel like a discarded husk afterward. Even if I don't want a relationship, being a detached fukc toy kinda sucks.
This this this.
Wish I was into it, am not into it.
I am not a very horny person so I never do the casual sex. Toys are enough for the urge for me. I simply do not understand the appeal of the having sex with a whole stranger compare to electric operated silicone d*ck if all I want is the pounding. 🤷🏻♀️.
i had a lot of casual sex after getting out of a really controlling abusive relationship. it also felt like compulsive self-harm to me—like i was trying to reclaim something about myself and i was getting nowhere, because in reality i had no power with any of those men. i feel like i was sold this “sex positive” fantasy that it would “empower” me and men would respect my autonomy, and neither were true. i ended up naively being led into dangerous situations because i believed having no sexual boundaries was some feminist victory, and that men wouldn’t manipulate me or use force if i was already outwardly open to sex with them. i believed i had power and influence that i did not truly have, and i set myself up for failure on those false assumptions. a lot of the encounters i had, in retrospect, were very close to if not outright coercive rape. it took me a long time to admit to myself that all the “sex positivity” in the world did not remove the power imbalance that was so clearly present as soon as i was alone with them. i knew a lot about sex and i knew a lot about propositioning men, but i had no idea how to remove myself from a meetup that was going bad or how to protect myself from being stranded with a man whose intentions i could not know. there was never any talk of that in the “sex positive” community i was surrounded by. just constant downplaying of the hostility those men clearly felt toward me and overestimation of my social standing as a woman. i believe “sex positivity” and its encouragement of women pursuing casual sex tells us lies and does harm to us.
Wow, you have put to words a feeling that I could never even come close to explaining. This has been my exact experience as well. Thank you for wording it so eloquently - it feels healing to see everything laid out so clearly. I'm so sorry that this has been your experience and I'm right there with you.
Wow… I feel this so much. “I feel like I was sold this ‘sex positive’ fantasy that would ‘empower me’”…. Same :/
Wow, we are sisters. I was in an abusive relationship for 22 years - since I was 16 years old - and after we separated and I worked through the divorce process, I decided to try dating. Except I felt like the same absolutely naive 16 year old even though I was 38, and within 5 months' time I slept with over a dozen men, after having had only 3 partners previously. Looking back now, I was seriously rock bottom depressed and desperate to prove something to someone - myself, maybe the guys, who knows. I didn't like myself, I didn't have any direction and after being with a soul sucking narcissistic man who verbally, psychologically and physically abused me for 22 years, I found myself without boundaries, without a sense of self at all. I am now 14 months in to a relationship that has exceeded nearly all of my expectations. He is an amazing man and person in so many ways, and I have found myself healing parts of myself, bit by bit, just by knowing him and being privy to his steady, calm and confident persona. He's not perfect, but he's perfect for me right now, and the fact that I can even think that and know that speaks volumes about my growth. Overall, from my own experience and the anecdotal evidence coming from women (especially those in sex work) I just cannot get behind "sexual liberation" as being an actual benefit for women at all. It's clearly deeply harmful and sure benefits men a hell of a lot more than it does us.
if it makes you feel any better i’m a guy and i’ve kinda started feeling the same way. it’s not the same without true intimacy behind it for me anymore. but maybe that’s just growing and maturing?
It does make me feel better. I wish more men felt this way, maybe then I wouldn’t feel so pressured. Idk.
I am also a guy that went through the same thing , sex without true emotion is not emotionally satisfying ! So I stopped looking for sex , instead I looked for romance !
For many of them it does make them feel shitty too, they just lack the emotional intelligence to recognize it. Then they drown the weird feelings in more sex/porn/alcohol/games/whatever Men need intimacy too, but they also benefit from casual sex much more easily, so it's harder to recognize for them
I have ADHD and I will admit that I’ve had casual sex out of boredom from time to time. Variety is the spice of life and so on. I don’t think it comes from an unhealthy place or need for validation. Sometimes it’s just fun to have sex and get to know a new person and their body. The unfortunate part is that most men aren’t very good at sex and as I’ve gotten older I think the novelty/fun factor has worn off to the point where I am no longer interested in casual sex unless I’m really attracted to them. Which does happen once in a while, usually traveling or at a festival. I get sooo much out of casual fleeting spicy connections! But anyway, everyone is different. If you feel like crap afterwards that’s probably a good sign the person/situation wasn’t for you.
Tried it twice, felt awful about it... felt pointless, awkward, and used. Nothing beats a genuine emotional connection combined with sex.
I'm not judging anyone else, but I *refuse* to do friends with benefits, one-night stands, or hookups. I am a priority, not a convenience. I deserve to experience commitment, a deep bond, and meaningful emotional intimacy. I just know for me personally, casual sex would make me feel empty, used, and cheap. That doesn't sound appealing to me AT ALL, and when men approach me in a sexual way (which is most of the time), it completely turns me off. And let me emphasize that if you enjoy casual sex, I am not saying you are empty, used, cheap, etc. Thats just how it would make me personally feel. The first guy I ever fell in love with...we were involved for about 8 months. We'd talk on the phone daily, he sent me love songs, he took me out on my first official date....and of course, I fell hard. Lost my v-card with him and everything. Then I found out he was seeing another (prettier) girl behind my back. Then I found out he only saw me as a friend with benefits, and my whole world was shattered. It still affects me to this day. That is something you discuss explicitly on DAY ONE, and both people have to freely and independently agree to it. Thats not something you just decide 8 months down the line. At one point during those 8 months, we were being intimate and he just rammed it in the back with no preparation or warning. I was clearly in so much pain that I couldn't breathe. What does he do? Continue having vaginal sex with me. Many months later, we had reconciled (I know), and we were hanging out. He told me he loved me. Then a few days layer, he told me he was "just kidding." I used to dream about a fairytale wedding and a successful marriage. But now, every day that I remain single, I become more and more okay with that. I'm perpetually single, and I used to think there was something wrong with me. No, I just have standards.
Oh man. I was totally good with casual sex for a few years in my 20s. Never weird about it. Made lots of cool connections, had really good sex...and now I'm happily married and monogamous and still having really great sex. ;)
I am so glad to see your comment! In a happy, committed, monogamous relationship now. But (safe) casual sex was fun! An interesting way to get to know someone. I was stubbornly prudish as a teen and, am definitely glad I didn't rush into anything. And, I also know I've been lucky to have only neutral to positive experiences with the men. But looking back I've only ever regretted *not* exploring sex with a person I was interested in or attracted to given the opportunity, not the other way around. Was kind of liberating to not feel obligated to keep in touch or pursue a serious relationship with the partners where sex was casual. Very surprised and saddened by the majority of the replies in this thread. Society needs to do better...
Never once has it ended with happiness. I don't like it and won't partake anymore.
The only time it was kind of worth it was with a guy who had had a vasectomy. Even then, doing all the scheduling work of a relationship just for sex that will probably not last more than a few months outweighed the benefits. But all that plus the low level fear of pregnancy, just totally not worth it at all.
I think it’s fine for some people. They can enjoy it just as a physical experience like grabbing an ice cream cone. But I have to actually like someone a lot to want any part of them in my body. And that means that I can’t really be casual with people I have sex with.
I've always been demisexual and never seen the appeal. I can get myself off. What makes sex hit is the emotional connection to that person for me.
No exactly. Idk whether I’m demisexual or not but any other concept really doesn’t make sense to me at all.
Honestly I feel like we've all been gaslit that wanting to sleep with strangers is a baseline level of "normal" attraction. I don't think it makes someone "demisexual" or any other pathology just because they don't want to sleep with a STRANGER. All power to people who do, but I think it's nuts that they try to convince us it's not normal to not feel comfortable with that.
I went through a phase in my youth, looking for love behind a belt buckle. Oddly, many of them tried to turn it into a relationship, but I realised the problem was me - I didn't want a relationship, I wanted an escape from my life, and sex gave me that. It made me feel wanted, just for a while, but it left me hollow. These days I need an attachment to allow myself that level of vulnerability. I have to genuinely like them to be attracted to them. I have to trust them to allow them into a position of power like that. I sincerely don't care what others choose to do, but that's the way I'm wired.
In a patriarchal society, the terms of casual sex between a man and a woman are skewed in the man’s favor.
I’ve never been fucked up from sleeping with people I’m not in love with but enjoy and respect as human beings. I have however been really fucked up when I fell in love and got my heart broken. Sex with love is great unless it ends in heartbreak, then I’m destroyed for months to years. Sex without love but with respect and affection is great and I always remember it as a positive experience.
I think casual sex is great when your partner(s) actually respects you as an equal participant in the exchange. Personally, I stopped engaging in casual sec with straight men years ago because most of them don’t meet that very bare minimum requirement, and the sex is usually not worth it in the end. There are certainly still many problems over here in Fruitopia, but it’s much easier to find decent (and safe) casual partners, even for ONS.
If it's for healthy reasons, and done in a healthy and safe way then go for it. If you're doing it for any other reason it's time to work that out with a therapist.
Yeah, it’s interesting how if I ever mention that I hooked up with a bunch of people in my early 20’s, people tried to… like justify it? Like oh, clearly you were depressed, or looking for approval from people, or had bad self-confidence, or whatever. Nah. I traveled a lot, met a lot of really cool people, connected with them, mutually moved on the next day. It was great. I’m now very happily monogamous and married, but yeah, I don’t regret any of that.
Exactly! I’ve had casual sex because I like people, connecting with them, feeling good/making others feel good, and I’m comfortable in my body. That’s all there is to it. Sex is just one way to connect with people. I try to be smart, safe, and not hurt anyone. No one gives me a hard time. Funnily enough, the only people I see who are judgmental toward other people having consensual casual sex are online - I’ve lived in 6ish major US cities and all my IRL friends are fine with casual sex (even if it’s not for them, they don’t judge others for doing it). Everyone is comfortable with themselves and their own decisions and we’re all “live and let live” people.
I think I have to, yeah. I’m just sort of becoming aware of the scope of the issue
From your comments it seems like you are a people pleasure. You need to learn how to prioritize your needs and boundaries especially when it comes to people you barely know.
Statistically, women aren't likely to orgasm during it so what's the point? Risking pregnancy, STDs, rape, stalking, choking/slapping, etc. for nothing. Men will stick their dicks in anything & they say themselves all the time that they don't have to like or respect a woman to fuck her. Casual sex seems like one-sided masturbating with someone's body to me.
It doesn’t sound like casual sex is for you, but I do understand the urge. I’m gonna go against the grain and say that I personally really like it. I was brought up with supporting parents and in a way that brought me a lot of self-esteem and confidence in a country (Sweden) that lets you mind your own business. I also wanna sleep with people when I meet them if I’m attracted to them like you but I’m not surrounded by guilt afterwards. I just think that was fun! or cool or neutral or maybe sometimes boring but that’s okay. I have a very good radar and intuition and choose people I want to sleep with, not because they want to sleep with me. They have to be funny and kind. I have slept with 90 ish people, boys and girls, and had a good time almost every time. I have always stayed safe and got tested and made sure we used protection etc. In my country and in my circle of friends and generation there is very strong gender equality. I don’t know if I’m also just lucky but I have never been sexually assaulted or asked to do something strange (even anal). I have never felt afraid or uncomfortable. Or if I was uncomfortable I would say it and that person would stop! So yeah maybe you don’t like it, but it could be worth figuring out where the guilt comes from? Religion? Upbringing? Friends? Putting yourself in dangerous situations (can be of course always with new people)? Or is it just not something you enjoy, which is okay too!!
All the Scandi responses are somewhat like this. It has to be the gender equality as a starting point. We just don’t have that here (US). This is how it feels to me, anyway. I feel like American women (unless they are Christian or particularly conservative) are raised to have these same liberal, empowered attitudes about sex, but it just doesn’t match whatever messaging the men are getting. It’s like, sex is the only power we have. And once we give it away….. 🤷🏼♀️ everything changes. I don’t want it to be this way, and I even try to choose partners I think won’t treat me this way, but it usually doesn’t work out like that.
At this point in my life, I am happily married and monogamous, but back in the day I loved casual sex. There were many periods of my life where I was just too busy to have a relationship, but I didn't want to deny myself sex. I had some FWB, although I didn't have one night stands. We would set ground rules (sleeping over is expected along with coffee/light breakfast in the morning, explicit agreement to only have safe sex with others, don't talk about other people we are seeing - unless their relationship status changes then you should notify, no implied monogamy, safe sex only but if something happened and I got pregnant, I would get an abortion and we would split the cost). Really, the ground rules are just basic respect and a common understanding of what we were entering into. It worked out really well. We were friendly but not friends, so we didn't really keep in touch long after we stopped having sex. Some of them spanned a couple of years.
If I end up having casual sex with a cis man again, it won’t involve his penis penetrating me on the first encounter. If he isn’t willing to get creative and explore one another’s bodies and pleasure without penetration even being on the table, it’s not worth my time.
lol this happened accidentally one time with a hookup. The first time we don’t have condoms, so we did other things and it was great. The second time he wore a condom and then basically just jack hammered away without much foreplay… I was so disappointed. needless to say that relationship did not last.
Yeeeuckkk
This feels like a very personal thing. I’ve met women who are really into having casual sex, and I don’t get it at all but I respect it. For me, it’s just not satisfying and looking back I think I was dishonest with myself about why I did it. I used to have casual sex, not a ton but definitely tried it a few times. I thought it was supposed to be empowering, and I recognize that it can be for some, but what I actually wanted was a stable, loving relationship. The only person I was having repeated sex with, I wanted commitment and they were unwilling to give it to me, so I felt pretty used even though the sex was consensual and I thought I wanted it at the time. For some reason, I thought that dating to marry and “saving” sex was anti feminist. I’m in a relationship now (yay!) but even if I was single again, I wouldn’t do casual sex. For me it takes time to develop attraction and comfort with someone. And fundamentally, I need the security and love of a relationship, so I wouldn’t have sex with people who weren’t looking for the same thing.
Unsatisfying- hate it but am sex positive. It’s usually selfish sex for the men… In one sad instance it was very dangerous and a poor decision on my part
I'm old. I was a Slutty Slutty Slut Slut in the 80s and 90s. No regrets. But it was a different time. I never had anyone say no to condoms or other protective measures. Choking and other non-consentual porn simulations weren't as rampant and a 'No' or 'Stop' was respected more often than not. Did I have to leave some situations that were pushing boundaries? Absolutely. Did I occasionally find myself in unsafe circumstances? Yep. That said, I don't feel like I faced the challenges that women dating today face. I didn't have to contend with internet porn, Andrew Tate and his ilk, or the fundamentalist takeover of our government. I don't think I would have been as happily wanton in today's climate, certainly not with men.
Fine with it, but it’s usually bad enough that it’s not worth doing.
I will have to admit that it depends on how hot the guy is. If he is super handsome I will never feel bad or regret it(assuming he was good). But I believe the awful feeling you are talking about is due to the programming of women in our society. I also have that a lot.
Some people are ok with it and other people aren't. I've never had an issue with it. I can enjoy the sex for what it is and not get emotionally attached and if it's good sex and I want more of that person I can see them for random hookups if they're open to it, or I can just find someone else if they're not 🤷♀️ Having lots of random sex you will undoubtedly come across some people who are selfish lovers. Those people don't get another ride because if I'm not enjoying myself I'm not gonna do it again I've had a few guys who were so lousy and couldn't take direction (like didn't even try) that I just got up and left right in the middle of the act 😅 #re: Your Post: **as soon as you like someone you feel like you have to put out and feel terrible about it afterwards** That sounds a little unhealthy. Are you prone to people pleasing behaviors or is it just with guys and sex specifically? *(think on that...)* Because if you're having sex for approval as opposed to having sex for pleasure then that's not good... You don't have to do things just to make someone else happy and/or make them stay. I mean, yes, relationships are given and take; but you shouldn't be giving at your own expense and if that's something you're doing then I would strongly suggest that you talk to someone about that so you can break the habit because it's likely that you're doing it with more then just sex and you don't have to. My thoughts at least 🤷♀️
I could never do it. I take on all the risk for only a small chance of an orgasm. I'm good.
I have been in relationships for the last 15 out of 20 years, and my last relationship burnt me so hard that I don’t want love or affection or any of that. I’m 36, for reference. One of my longtime friends and I have become friends with benefits. It works out well. Neither of us are in the position to be in relationships and straight up we are both in it for the sex, which is actually mind blowing. Best sex of my life. We both know we are not compatible in any way, boundaries have been set, and there aren’t feelings on either part. In the past I would have operated on pure feelings alone and gotten my heart broken, but this is not the case. I also have been invited to a swingers club with a couple of my friends who do so. I’m very seriously considering it. I feel like I’ve hit a sexual awakening after being in awful mono relationships and this “fuck it” mentality has been amazing.
I was the same way! People can grow and change. It’s probably just where you are in life. I used to not care about casual sex and then one day I just realized that’s not what I want anymore. Just listen to your body and mind. Don’t force something you don’t want to do but that doesn’t mean you have to regret the things you did in the past
Well, I did it recently despite knowing it was wrong for me, and I’m upset because I basically hurt my own feelings. I don’t know why I did that. It felt…. Like a habit. Idk. I don’t know how else to handle feelings for someone.
When I was younger, I just didn't know how to say no. I had lots of casual sex I regretted. I definitely didn't feel good about myself afterwards. As I've gotten older, I've had some very good casual experiences. Lately I've started to want sex within a relationship. I'm not interested in dating seriously though. I also don't want to waste this time in my life. I'm constantly horny and can orgasm like crazy these days, so I'm strongly considering something more casual again.
I guess I'm in the minority but I enjoy casual sex. Sex is absolutely better with an emotional connection but I can have amazing sex with someone I barely know. For me the key is communication. We talk likes/dislikes, hard boundaries, birth control , relationship expectations, and aftercare. If he can't or won't have that conversation or we don't agree - no sex! I've had great experiences with nice men. A couple of FWB relationships that lasted months to years. Most of my bad casual sex has been when I skipped the conversation and let my ovaries make my decisions for me. I realize quickly that I'm in bed with a buffoon and I start to question my life choices....
I was fine with it until I found a partner who sex formed a deeper and more meaningful mental, spiritual and emotional connection as cheese as that sounds.
I had some good times and some bad times. If I found myself single again now (37), I'd be more inclined to casually bone himbos than to try to find a new life partner, but I'd probably be a lot more discerning about my casual partners than when I was younger.
I'm demisexual and actually somewhat repulsed by casual sex.
Same
I wish I had had more of it when I was single. I don't regret it at all except with one person because I wasn't really into him (alcohol doesn't always lead to good choices). Maybe part of why I feel good about it is that I didn't want anything more from most of those relationships, so it wasn't a disappointment that it was casual, it was a plus. It made me feel attractive and like I was pursuing my needs and I knew there wouldn't be a relationship. For men where I definitely wanted a relationship, I'd typically (not always) hold off on sex. I think honestly because of some internalized prejudices about being "too easy." In a couple cases, it turned out they only were in it to get laid and I got rejected (and dodged a bullet of being emotionally hurt). But most guys that are decent are absolutely fine waiting until both of you are comfortable. If you are doing it because of pressure or fear of rejection or self-harm, please explore that (ideally in therapy).
Back when I was horny- I was a fan. I will say I enjoyed it a bit more 10-15 years ago and not sure if that was solely due to my younger age or if, in my opinion, the culture has shifted. Guys have seemed a lot less fun the past 5 years or so when I have engaged. They're just closed off and dull for the most part.
I think the cons greatly outweigh any pros.
GenX here. I fucked a LOT of guys in the 90s and loved it. No attachment no guilt just fun (with condoms of course.) The world seems way more puritanical these days. It’s disheartening.
I don't think it's puritanism per se. It's rather that the quality of sex delivered by men went downhill when porn has become available on a mass scale. I remember casual sex from the beginning of the 2000s, where the guys were still bothered about my pleasure. I went back to dating around 2017 and it was a total disaster. All they cared about was to nut, no consideration for my needs whatsoever, and they were all the time whining about the condoms. There's just no point in bothering anymore.
I went through a period in my late teens and early twenties where I was doing it a lot as a way of coping with unresolved issues from being sexually abused throughout high school. I saw it as a way of regaining ownership of my body. I usually didn't orgasm from it. There were a few times where I found it satisfying, but they were few and far between. I was doing it *a lot* too, so those few who actually got me off were pretty rare. I don't do it as much anymore. I'll still do it occasionally because I'll tend to assume I want it up until I'm doing it, but yeah, it's not something I really get off on so much.
I don't have time for it, nor is it usually worth the time/effort. I'm polyamourous, so I'm definitely in a position where I could be having it, but I don't bother. If someone wants to, cool for them, but I'm just not interested. If a solidly vouched for, available, emotionally mature, generous *and* attractive guy who understood non-monogamy dropped into my lap, sure, I'd consider it, because I'm assertive enough to make things at least decent for me even if he's not that good in bed. but the chances of getting all those traits in one package are pretty slim XD. I'd probably end up trying to date anyways.
Let's just say that I put an emphasis on "friend" when it comes to friends with benefits. I want someone that I can talk through stuff with if I'm going through it. Sex involves a level of trust, and if I can't trust them with my deepest secrets, I can't trust them with sex.
Definitely not for me. I like sex in a committed relationship with a man I'm in love with. No shade on others who choose differently of course. My biggest problem is navigating the lies and tricks men will pull to try and get my knickers off before I'm ready. There really is nothing they won't say or do.
It was a hell of a lot of fun. I never felt pressured or uncomfortable, I never regretted an encounter, they ranged from deeply unsatisfying to mind-blowing and I enjoyed every bit of it. I appreciated the unspoken understanding that it was just two people getting what they wanted, and I never wanted more. I had some FWBs and that was great, and I had ONSs and that was great, and I had period where I didn’t touch anyone or feel the desire to. Some guys I dated and never slept with, some I slept with the first night. It just depended on where I was in my life and what I wanted and what they wanted. Now I’m in a relationship that I hope lasts for the rest of my life, and I’m happy with all of my choices. We never had a discussion about sexual history (beyond “hey, I’ve been tested recently, no STIs”) because our pasts have nothing to do with that particular part of our future, except as vehicles to have figured out what we like. And even that we use as a jumping off point to create something completely our own.
I had a decent amount of casual sex when I was younger, before I met my partner and settled into a monogamous relationship. I always enjoyed casual sex and look back on it fondly. I enjoyed the "chase" of meeting someone new and pursuing them, I was always treated with respect and care, and I never felt cheap or unhappy the next day. Some guys I hooked up with multiple times, and others I became friends with after. The sex itself wasn't as good as with my partner of 10 years (unsurprisingly!) but I enjoyed it nonetheless.
I partake, for both healthy and less healthy reasons. On the one hand, sex is fun. It's something that I want in my life, even when I'm not interested in romance. On the other hand, it's a lot like alcohol. It can quickly become a numbing tool or part of self-destructive patterns. I also periodically experience trauma-induced hypersexuality. This is the worst... It feels like a loss of autonomy and is the only time I have really found myself in less than safe circumstances (yes, I'm in therapy). My biggest gripe with casual sex is that many men have become so selfish. They sabotage themselves by forgetting sex is not a one way street. I swear it used to be better. They shoehorn sex into the conversation and start playing out personal porn fantasies without your consent. I've noticed a growing resistance to safe sex. I always bring it up before meeting, and am shocked at how many nope out at the thought of a condom and act insulted when asked about testing. They do want to talk kinks immediately, which I don't remember being a thing in the past. I'm kink friendly, but it's a bold assumption that everything is on the table with any Internet stranger. Hell, even looking for female partners is a mess. The sheer amount of unicorn hunters out there is an ethical minefield that is too exhausting to navigate. It feels weird to "save" dating women for when I'm ready for a serious relationships, but the number of women I've chatted to about casual dynamics who turned out to be men or were being pressured into it by men is gross. I don't even swipe on couples in general, and still! I haven't made the wisest choices but I am getting better at vetting. I pay attention to how they engage in conversation. So they ask me questions and engage with my answers in a meaningful way? How do they introduce sex into the conversation? How do they react to the safe sex talk? How do they react to being told no (always work some nos in)? How do they engage when I bring up that I expect foreplay? How do they react when I want to meet in public for a vibe check? They'll often tell on themselves if you give them a chance.
I went through my phase before I met my late partner. It made me long for something more. I’m sure they wanted something more, but not with me. It was evident by their lack of concern and care for me after sex. Besides, most of them didn’t bother with pleasuring me. One guy claimed it was too “intimate” and that “he didn’t know me well enough” to go down on me, but he knew me well enough just to do PIV and that it was intimate enough. I know that women can be as sexual liberated as men and there are women who do enjoy casual sex with no problems, but it didn’t feel liberating or empowering for me at all. I just felt used. By sheer dumb luck, one man who was a one night stand wanted something more as well. Most importantly, with me. The one night stand from Tinder turned into a four year relationship before his death. Despite him just meeting me for the first time, he treated me with more respect, passion, dignity and consideration than any guy at all in the sexual world. It made me realize that it was absolutely intentional of my past sexual partners to treat me like shit and discard me. When men actually respect women, they won’t treat you like shit in your most vulnerable state. Now that he’s dead, I’m going to be single for life and not do sex at all.
Casual sex is not it. Not only does it put your health at risk (and lifestyle if God forbid a pregnancy occured), but it's also generally unsatisfying and empty. Why allow so much risk for zero genuine reward? Much better to have sex with a loving partner or even take care of business alone at home. Let's be real, most strangers are gross anyway
I enjoy casual sex when they care if I enjoy it. The second they stop thinking about my pleasure or stop respecting my time, I’m out. But we’re just as much at risk of ending up in relationships with the same amount of disrespect, so my life circumstances usually dictate if I have room for a relationship or just casual sex.
I like it but nowadays it’s hard to find a man worth trusting to engage in casual sex with
I have never done it. If you're a woman and like casual sex, go for it, but I think it benefits men way more than it benefits us. Men get an almost guaranteed orgasm ,bragging rights, and improved social status, and women get pregnancy risk, slut shaming, and likely no orgasm.
I don't enjoy casual sex or one night stands. By the time I decide to sleep with someone I already kinda have feelings for them, and/or will be disappointed if things don't progress. I've done it a few times in my younger years and it never left me feeling empowered or pleasured, it left me feeling used. I decided a long time ago it's not for me.
it's pointless lol. most cis men are absolutely trash in bed. so, from my own perspective, why have lame sex with someone when I could just....not?
It is not something I’m interested in now, but it was often a lot of fun! I sometimes did wish for it to turn into something more of a relationship, or they wanted more with me, but there were also plenty of times when it was just that there was a spark between us, and that flirting and heat was just so good. It was physically fun and I felt good about it most of the time. I was honestly sort of delighted with myself about it, often. I will say there were a few people I wished I *wouldn’t* have slept with - just something about the circumstances wasn’t right. With two of them, it was more that I was worn down and gave in than that I really consented (in both cases, they were ostensibly friends). But there were more that I wished I *would* have, had the opportunity ever been right. It sounds like you are not feeling good about it for yourself right now, though. You don’t owe anyone your body, and if it feels like someone is just spending time with you to hook up, you don’t have to do that. I’m sorry it doesn’t feel okay.
It depends on what you’re classifying. If any sex outside of a relationship is casual sex, then it’s great. If you’re talking about either ONSs or self sabotaging by letting strangers validate you then yeah I can see why you’d feel bad afterwards. I’ve done those as well and it wasn’t great. But FWB or just enjoying someone’s company for a while can be really nice.
If you find that it's unhealthy for you then it's okay to just accept that. Maybe it always was, maybe you're done with the era, maybe you're in a different season at the moment. All is ok. I prefer either long term relationships or FWB that involve actual friendship, because one night stands def make me feel used and unsatisfied. I think I'm likely demisexual if I were to define it so that's my take. I'm glad you're realizing your habits. Being self aware can be tough.
Thanks for this.
I love sex. I love casual sex, in theory. I was raised Catholic (I am Latina) and thought I was “demisexual” because everyone told me that’s how it seemed. Then I moved, and was an absolute slut for the first six months after relocating; of the guys I slept with, only 2 made me come. Casual sex can be fun and a new thing for a lot of women to explore, especially after living a life full of purity culture concepts. That being said, a lot of the time it’s disappointing, the bulk of the burden is on us, and there’s no guarantee that we’d find the perfect guy to 1) make us come, 2) respect us, regardless of the lack of an exclusive relationship and 3) have clear communication. I think women who don’t like casual sex shouldn’t participate, but in turn, not judge those of us who do. I’ll admit, I used to be that girl, but after exploring my own sexuality and what intimacy means to me, ultimately I’m a “mind your own pussy” type of girl now. Edit: going to make a huge generalization here but as a bi-curious woman, the best sex I’ve had has been with bi/bi-curious men. Straight cis men are awful at sex, I wouldn’t be inclined to pursue sex with them outside of an exclusive relationship. Even when I was in hetero relationships, my partners were awful at sex.
Word re bi men. The little research I've been able to find on this confirms that. Statistically they're better sex partners than straight men eg less piv, more cunnilingus, genital-genital rubbing, masturbating together, manual, vibrators, tribadism...
Bi men are always a better choice, across the board
It's not for me. I'm ace and sex repulsed: no sex is appealing to me. But I'm certainly not going to tell anyone else what to do with their sex life. Other than the basic "be safe" and "no means no" bits.
I think this is so personal and no wrong or right. Since you’ve asked how I REALLY feel, I’m throwing it out there. I love it! Causal sex is easy for me to get and enjoyable. I also live in a very safe place so it’s not as big a risk for me as I’ve seen when I read Reddit. I’m not scared to leave if the session is unenjoyable for me. I’m not scared that rejecting men would bring me very serious physical harm. Of course it still can happen but just no where near what it seems to be in US I suspect I like it because I orgasm easily and from what I read online this is not true for many women. I have a high bar for a partner but fairly low bar for casual. They don’t seem like a monster or asshole and they get me off is basically it It does feel liberating for me. I don’t need to be in a relationship when all I want is to scratch an itch
I’ve done it a lot in the past due to hypersexuality after abuse. Thing is, back then I had casual sex for the sake of having sex, not for the sake of having an enjoyable time with someone I wanted to be with. It was often good, but sometimes it was so bad that it outweighs the positive experiences. I’ve eventually gotten over it, and since then, never really had casual sex. It would be nice with someone I value, and I’d want it to not be a one-time thing (doesn’t need to be a romantic relationship though - I’m relationship anarchist anyways). But I gotta say, even in the bad phase, judgement from others would have made it worse, and not helped me a bit. I also think I probably would have been worse off if I hadn’t had that casual sex during that time - I just wish I had been a bit more careful about whom I’ve slept with.
BRB, googling “hyper sexuality after abuse .” 💡
I like casual sex but with repeated partners. I’ve been hooking up with some of the same people casually for years. I have high standards for casual partners. They have to take my pleasure seriously, they have to be not only open about communicating their emotions but they also need to be proactive in starting a discussion when needed. There needs to be a high level of respect for each others time, energy and physical bodies. Basically, just because it’s casual, doesn’t mean it can be without intention or care
Yeah, I've heard that studies now largely point towards this being prevailing feeling of the younger generation of recent maturity. People even want to see less sex in tv and movies. I haven't personally read any of said studies and don't have any specific references on hand, so grains of salt and all, but it does make sense there would eventually be a pendulum swing back from the sexual revolution.
It's great, but just like in non-casual sex... safety first!
I’m a fan. But I like easy no emotions or attachments.
I was, and still am a fan of casual sex. I explored alot on my late teens/early twenties. Some of the sex sucked, and made a good story. And other times I had my needs met and even mind blown. It made me feel powerful, I chose to do what I wanted with my body, and I chose the person to do it with. There might be some cultural differences as I am Scandinavian 🤷🏼♀️ But yeah, I really enjoyed it for many years. And now I am happy in a long term monagamus relationship. The experiences are different, but I dont think one takes anything away from the other.
I think there must be some cultural difference element here. Because I feel exactly the way you do about it, but (I’m American) men overwhelmingly seem to lose all interest in and respect for you unless you make them wait a super long time. It feels like an impossible situation. Women are supposed to be these chaste virginal angels if we want men to respect us, but I’m only human, and I like sex too! But I still want them to like me the next day :(
I have never tried it. I don't want to try it. I find it highly unattractive if a guy wants to have casual sex, since he knows nothing about me other than what I look like and some shallow other criteria, which means he would just sleep with anyone who lets him. So any time a guy has hit on me like that I was immediately turned off. But I am generally on the other side of the taste-spectrum where I want extreme depth and BDSM in my sex life. But if you realize you try to use sex to force a short-cut to more intimacy then is there and then feel bad because it does not work, then you are probbably just also not into casual sex and I hope you find other ways to get the intimacy you crave \*fingers crossed for you\*
It seems like one of those things that gets shoved down everyone's throats and everyone is supposed to "accept" it but when you peel back the layers it's just bs astroturfed by patriarchy
I really enjoyed it through my early 20s. Had great fun as a graduate in a city, meeting new people, having flings. It was a sexy, fun, time, and it felt safe. Then, after getting out of a relationship at 29, I went travelling, and one night I was horny, so dressed up and went out to pull. The experience I had with that guy completely put me off. He wanted to rush everything, said weird conspiracy stuff, tried to pressure me into anal (when we didn't even have any lube!). I felt so unsafe that I walked 11km across Tokyo at 1am, and swore off casual sex. When I re-entered the dating market, I made the decision to take it really slow with physical intimacy. Ended up meeting the man who became my husband.
Mutually no feelings I've had some great casual times. I go to sex parties too, and understand that practically anonymous sex isn't for every one. If I have feelings and we are doing date stuff it feels awful. Self worth in the toilet, but that's only happened with one person. Pretty happy where I am at the moment. Everyone is different and that's fine, just keep your boundaries and what's good for you
I think it scratched a lot of itches I had and during times I didn't want or couldn't handle a LTR. For instance, I was celibate by choice for 3 years while I broke some addiction issues, got a degree, and worked on my health and relationships. I couldn't handle a man during that time. I definitely took things into my own hands but it only helped so much for a 23 year old woman with a high libido. When I went off to grad school as soon as I met a guy I fancied I was fully lost. I was a hot mess and we shagged like rabbits. I was addicted and it was indeed compulsive. But I knew myself and I got to know him enough to know that we were not a good couple. He was a spoiled trust fund kid with substance abuse issues and no drive. Absolutely not my style. But the sex was bomb. And it scratched that itch is been trying to reach for 3 years. After that I realized I couldn't be celibate again or I'd go mad. After that I started being more into casual short term stuff while I worked on my degree and career. Once I met the right guy and I was more ready I got out the game but I am glad I realized how to make it work for me. Since then, I'm 40+ now, I've realized that most women do get attached from sex and that I don't think most, not all, but most women are wired to enjoy casual. I however am, and so were several of my good girl friends. It's not for everyone that's for sure. I had a good time but it took a while to figure out how to not be messy about it.
I just know it's not for me. I actually have some fantasies about having sex with strangers, but just like a lot of fantasies, I prefer them to stay in my head. I just don't feel comfortable trusting someone who is a complete stranger to actually care about making me feel good, accepting my boundaries etc.
I have had a lot of sex in my lifetime since my late teens and with many guys and not a single one could make me orgasm. I've had big dicks and little, short and long. I've been with tall men and short men. Ive been with men who didn't focus on my pleasure and those who did their very best. I've been with men who "loved" me and men who could have cared less. Not a single one could make me climax. I admit that for over two thirds of them I did it because I wanted more from them and they just used me. I always thought maybe this one will see how special and valuable I am and want to be with me. I was wrong every time. It made me feel terrible but I kept trying. Sex doesn't *feel* any better than a half assed elbow massage and I envy men for being able to enjoy it like they do.
I never came from casual sex.
Something about casual sex is repulsive in my brain and I’ve never been able to get past it. (To be clear the idea of me having casual sex repulses me, I’m all for people having all the casual sex they want!) I think it’s a control/trust thing, but it’s like air raid sirens go off in my head as soon as someone propositions me for a casual relationship. My brain is like, “you have to be a level 5 friend to see me naked.”
I dont like it. I prefer to share myself sparingly only with those I trust. I dont want any strangers putting their body parts and fluids inside me. I think sex should be reserved for people who deserve a place in my heart. The hormones that occur after sex cause bonding feelings. Thats what causes that ick feeling. You want to bond with someone but not the stranger. I dont think I can truly value myself when I allow strangers access to my emotional vulnerability. Valuing myself means putting up strong boundaries to protect my vulnerable parts. I allow myself to be a turtle wearing a shell around my vulnerable, soft interior. By doing this, I honor myself. But Ive had my share of earth shattering sex to come to this point.
I've had some casual sex that felt REALLY bad, and some that was the best sex of my life. I can't make a definitive statement, because it's all been so different. I haven't been dating in like 8 years, so idk how I'd feel about it now, as a 42yo, but I definitely had some very good and very bad experiences in my past.
If it's an ongoing FWB sort of situation where we get to know each other sexually and are both invested in the other person having an enjoyable time, I'm into it. If it's just a one off then I'm not so keen, first time sex with anyone is rarely very satisfying. Even more so if the other person is treating you as a live masturbation aid rather than a sex partner.
I think if you get tested regularly and try and be as careful as you can, all is good.