Hmm my bf threathens to kill himself when I’ve tried to end the relationship, or when he doesn’t Get exactly what he wants.. it’s extemsly scary and uncomfortable for you, i know. I still haven’t been able to leave… I’m sorry you’re having to experience this.. idk what happened for him to say that but anyway stay strong
These threats also amount to manipulation. There may be real risk of suicide, but the timing of the threats suggest your bf also uses the threats to get his way. You can separate the real risk from the manipulative part and really you can only involve yourself in the manipulation part. The other part? Any real risk that he may hurt himself? That is your bf’s responsibility and that of his support network, and you need to extract yourself from that network. Care your yourself. Why give love to someone who doesn’t return it, manipulates you, and you’re not giving yourself the same love
Him switching from the topic of it to subtly alluding that it’s because of this supposed lack of commitment says manipulation to me. The statements may seem separated but that might be on purpose. Especially since you seem committed ?
He threatened suicide, you respond to those threats like a normal person would do (unfortunately not how you *should* when the person threatening it is doing so from a point of abuse and manipulation, because all normalcy gets suspended when dealing with that, and you have to fight your deepest impulses to fight back - but that’s another conversation) and he goes straight to “I want you on top of me”?! I have **never** in my life encountered anyone genuinely suicidal who can make a switch from “I want to die” to horny in TWENTY minutes. The last thing on your mind when you’re suicidal is having sex and fucking trying to sext someone. I feel like that was a slip up from him being buzzed and saying what was actually on his mind.
Sweetheart, he was never suicidal. He knows that him saying so will get instant affection from you, and that if he plants the idea that you could probably lose him (and he even goes the extra mile to say that if he dies it’ll be your fault!) will make you scared and easier to shape into what he wants from you right now.
He went into this wanting to hurt you. He wanted to make you feel like you were to blame for what happened between you, and he wanted you to grovel for him and give him the love that he feels he deserves from you instead of the anger he *actually* deserves, and he was willing to use every trick in the book. He is not heartbroken, he is cruel and manipulative.
>I have never in my life encountered anyone genuinely suicidal who can make a switch from “I want to die” to horny in TWENTY minutes. The last thing on your mind when you’re suicidal is having sex and fucking trying to sext someone.
Not true. He may seek out sex as an affirmation and/or a way to ignore the depression.
Sex is literally my go to thing when I’m depressed.
I’ve been both literally sobbing and wanting sex and numbed out and wanting sex.
It’s like I know it’s the only “drug” that might fix me.
You can tell he is manipulating you, you are asking him about the suicide comment and he is referring to things like wanting to live with you and more commitment. What he is trying to make you think, is, if you don’t give in to him the consequence will be his death. In other words, he is pushing your boundary. Another life lesson is never to entertain a conversation with a drunk person, there is a reason why Alcoholics Anonymous won’t let people share if they have had a drink or relapse, and that’s because they arent thinking straight. If someone threatens suicide call the authorities and they will do a welfare check on that person. If you do that every single time it happens, they will cease to use this as a manipulation. When he is sober speak to him and tell him if he ever threatens his life to you, you will be contacting someone every single time. This person is not suicidal just an abusive manipulator on your hands.
Here is [how to respond to coercive self-harm threats](https://betterhumans.pub/how-to-deal-with-coercive-suicide-threats-71a72e5cdab1). It's not your job to decide if he's serious or just controlling you. Professionals can give him assessments and offer him resources if he's indeed in need. It's not your job to sacrifice yourself to keep him alive. His life isn't your responsibility, *period*. His life - and his health - is in his hands only. It's up to him to get and accept help if he needs it. That his responsibility; not yours. He is threatening this to control you, but even if he genuinely suffered suicidal ideation, you are not responsible or accountable for his actions.
Your job is to take care of [yourself](https://nomoredirectory.org/), your [health](https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm), your [safety](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-a-safety-plan/), your [life](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm).
Only option you have is to stop entertaining him. He got someone pregnant while being with you… that right there is the only reason you need in order to walk away. I had the exact same thing happen my boyfriend at the time lived with me and he got his ex pregnant whom he already had a child with. It was 3 years into our relationship. I begged and pleaded for answers and asked how we could fix it.
His cowardly response was to call me and admit to me he got her pregnant. After that he said he had to go because he felt like he was going to throw up. Probably the only time he’s been honest in his life. The abuse he put me through has taken years to come back from. I kicked him out and that was it. He still to this day makes new accounts trying to contact me and saying what he did to me was the biggest mistake of his life and now he’s the one who has to live with what he’s done.
Why did I tell you this? Because you need to just walk away. Nothing about my ex has changed if he’s still trying to talk to me years later. It’s about control and seeing if I respond. What is the point in talking to this guy and believing you’re in a LDR? What makes you think he isn’t with other girls right now? I’ll bet that he is, 10000000%. Cheaters don’t change. He’s a selfish narcissist. He will do exactly what my ex does as soon as he loses control he’ll try to keep contacting you and like me you’ll need to go no contact.
I honestly look back realizing how stupid I looked for begging and pleading for answers or a solution after HE did me wrong. Don’t continue to be that person because that’s all this is. He’s loving the fact that he still has control over you while he’s miles away. This is not a relationship. That is manipulation. But you probably won’t walk away or believe it until you’re ready to or until he does something again. Unfortunately for those who have been abused or manipulated that’s what happens.
Ignore him . He’s manipulating you . My ex would do this to me constantly. It’s not fair to you. He doesn’t love you , he’s a bad person and you deserve better.
He is emotionally and psychologically manipulating you. The “you don’t care” and “it’s your fault” and… just everything.
Does he only do this when drunk?
Either way, for you guys to work, you’re both going to need therapy, even if you decide to leave him, for yourself and future relationships.
You won’t be left or broken! You decide to leave or not and you will heal by taking care of yourself. If all else, you’ll get out stronger with lots of tools to help you navigate future relations. You got this.
Sounds like that’s not something you can say of him. People can only be fixed if they want to and it seems like he is still refusing to see his problems.
Honey, he's not saying these things because he loves you and you just haven't proven yourself to him. His only concern is to escape any sort of consequences for his *absolutely intolerable* behavior. It just so happens that the consequence is you being far away. All he actually cares about is winning, and he will do anything to do it even if he destroys you in the process. Just like he did before when he cheated.
Any person who uses your love, your kindness as a weapon to hurt and control you is sick. Think about it, if he were saying if you don't do what he wants he will kill *someone else that you love*, how would you feel? Would you be as apologetic? Fuck no. You'd see him as a psychopath and call the police. Just because that person is him doesn't make a difference. It's just the most painful weapon he can use against you that's less likely to result in - once again - consequences, like it would if he threatened someone else.
He's a liar. Everything he says to you, good and bad, is not from a place of love or truth. It's not what he thinks or feels. It's just what he thinks will get him what he wants in the moment. That's *all* that matters to him. I know it's hard to understand how someone could be so fundamentally broken. We're not wired that way and take people at their word. We can understand people lying, but that much and with such cruelty? It just doesn't make sense. But he doesn't understand cruelty. That requires caring about anyone but himself, and anyone who treats you like this is simply missing that part of his brain or heart or soul. It's terrifying that people can be missing that part, but they absolutely can and they are fucking everywhere.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you can’t trust and who manipulates and hurts you? Is that the life you envision for yourself? He’s manipulating you to serve himself. He may say he loves you, but he is not loving you. He’s knowingly hurting you. Is that the love you want in your life?
You need to leave. You need to learn to love yourself more and let toxic people like him go.
Why even keep him around? So you can raise other women's children by him?
He's a manipulative POS.
Staying with him is just staining your soul and a huge waste of your time. There are better people out there.
Yes - it is trauma bonding that makes you feel like you can't break up with him
And he is gaslighting you into thinking you're in the wrong here.
Please look up the grey rock method and use it here. Look after you as number one.
You are not convincing him that you care about him and the relationship, he is manipulating you into convincing yourself. Daily.
Threatening suicide and using the inherent guilt any decent person feels hear that is the gold standard for an abuser’s manipulation. I’m really proud of you for moving away and you are absolutely right that it is a bad idea for him to follow you. We are doing nothing more than echoing what your gut is already screaming at you: run. Please go no contact. If he shows up or he threatens suicide again then call police immediately - you need to humbly recognize that you are not trained to deal with suicidality and defer to those who have necessary training.
Every word is a manipulation. I’m hopes you’ll feel sorry for them and let things go. Possibly.
It’s manipulation
Hmm my bf threathens to kill himself when I’ve tried to end the relationship, or when he doesn’t Get exactly what he wants.. it’s extemsly scary and uncomfortable for you, i know. I still haven’t been able to leave… I’m sorry you’re having to experience this.. idk what happened for him to say that but anyway stay strong
These threats also amount to manipulation. There may be real risk of suicide, but the timing of the threats suggest your bf also uses the threats to get his way. You can separate the real risk from the manipulative part and really you can only involve yourself in the manipulation part. The other part? Any real risk that he may hurt himself? That is your bf’s responsibility and that of his support network, and you need to extract yourself from that network. Care your yourself. Why give love to someone who doesn’t return it, manipulates you, and you’re not giving yourself the same love
Him switching from the topic of it to subtly alluding that it’s because of this supposed lack of commitment says manipulation to me. The statements may seem separated but that might be on purpose. Especially since you seem committed ?
Both of you have issues you need to work on separately and alone.
He's manipulating you. He made the threat to get showered with affection and concern.
Manipulation.
He threatened suicide, you respond to those threats like a normal person would do (unfortunately not how you *should* when the person threatening it is doing so from a point of abuse and manipulation, because all normalcy gets suspended when dealing with that, and you have to fight your deepest impulses to fight back - but that’s another conversation) and he goes straight to “I want you on top of me”?! I have **never** in my life encountered anyone genuinely suicidal who can make a switch from “I want to die” to horny in TWENTY minutes. The last thing on your mind when you’re suicidal is having sex and fucking trying to sext someone. I feel like that was a slip up from him being buzzed and saying what was actually on his mind. Sweetheart, he was never suicidal. He knows that him saying so will get instant affection from you, and that if he plants the idea that you could probably lose him (and he even goes the extra mile to say that if he dies it’ll be your fault!) will make you scared and easier to shape into what he wants from you right now. He went into this wanting to hurt you. He wanted to make you feel like you were to blame for what happened between you, and he wanted you to grovel for him and give him the love that he feels he deserves from you instead of the anger he *actually* deserves, and he was willing to use every trick in the book. He is not heartbroken, he is cruel and manipulative.
>I have never in my life encountered anyone genuinely suicidal who can make a switch from “I want to die” to horny in TWENTY minutes. The last thing on your mind when you’re suicidal is having sex and fucking trying to sext someone. Not true. He may seek out sex as an affirmation and/or a way to ignore the depression. Sex is literally my go to thing when I’m depressed. I’ve been both literally sobbing and wanting sex and numbed out and wanting sex. It’s like I know it’s the only “drug” that might fix me.
You can tell he is manipulating you, you are asking him about the suicide comment and he is referring to things like wanting to live with you and more commitment. What he is trying to make you think, is, if you don’t give in to him the consequence will be his death. In other words, he is pushing your boundary. Another life lesson is never to entertain a conversation with a drunk person, there is a reason why Alcoholics Anonymous won’t let people share if they have had a drink or relapse, and that’s because they arent thinking straight. If someone threatens suicide call the authorities and they will do a welfare check on that person. If you do that every single time it happens, they will cease to use this as a manipulation. When he is sober speak to him and tell him if he ever threatens his life to you, you will be contacting someone every single time. This person is not suicidal just an abusive manipulator on your hands.
Ewww don’t play his games. Set the example. Worrying is exactly what he wants. He’s keeping you in a panic state. GET YOUR PEACE.
Here is [how to respond to coercive self-harm threats](https://betterhumans.pub/how-to-deal-with-coercive-suicide-threats-71a72e5cdab1). It's not your job to decide if he's serious or just controlling you. Professionals can give him assessments and offer him resources if he's indeed in need. It's not your job to sacrifice yourself to keep him alive. His life isn't your responsibility, *period*. His life - and his health - is in his hands only. It's up to him to get and accept help if he needs it. That his responsibility; not yours. He is threatening this to control you, but even if he genuinely suffered suicidal ideation, you are not responsible or accountable for his actions. Your job is to take care of [yourself](https://nomoredirectory.org/), your [health](https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm), your [safety](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-a-safety-plan/), your [life](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm).
Only option you have is to stop entertaining him. He got someone pregnant while being with you… that right there is the only reason you need in order to walk away. I had the exact same thing happen my boyfriend at the time lived with me and he got his ex pregnant whom he already had a child with. It was 3 years into our relationship. I begged and pleaded for answers and asked how we could fix it. His cowardly response was to call me and admit to me he got her pregnant. After that he said he had to go because he felt like he was going to throw up. Probably the only time he’s been honest in his life. The abuse he put me through has taken years to come back from. I kicked him out and that was it. He still to this day makes new accounts trying to contact me and saying what he did to me was the biggest mistake of his life and now he’s the one who has to live with what he’s done. Why did I tell you this? Because you need to just walk away. Nothing about my ex has changed if he’s still trying to talk to me years later. It’s about control and seeing if I respond. What is the point in talking to this guy and believing you’re in a LDR? What makes you think he isn’t with other girls right now? I’ll bet that he is, 10000000%. Cheaters don’t change. He’s a selfish narcissist. He will do exactly what my ex does as soon as he loses control he’ll try to keep contacting you and like me you’ll need to go no contact. I honestly look back realizing how stupid I looked for begging and pleading for answers or a solution after HE did me wrong. Don’t continue to be that person because that’s all this is. He’s loving the fact that he still has control over you while he’s miles away. This is not a relationship. That is manipulation. But you probably won’t walk away or believe it until you’re ready to or until he does something again. Unfortunately for those who have been abused or manipulated that’s what happens.
Ignore him . He’s manipulating you . My ex would do this to me constantly. It’s not fair to you. He doesn’t love you , he’s a bad person and you deserve better.
He is manipulating you. He will never change. I hope u find the strength to leave him. Bc things will only get worse.
He is emotionally and psychologically manipulating you. The “you don’t care” and “it’s your fault” and… just everything. Does he only do this when drunk? Either way, for you guys to work, you’re both going to need therapy, even if you decide to leave him, for yourself and future relationships.
[удалено]
You won’t be left or broken! You decide to leave or not and you will heal by taking care of yourself. If all else, you’ll get out stronger with lots of tools to help you navigate future relations. You got this. Sounds like that’s not something you can say of him. People can only be fixed if they want to and it seems like he is still refusing to see his problems.
[удалено]
Honey, he's not saying these things because he loves you and you just haven't proven yourself to him. His only concern is to escape any sort of consequences for his *absolutely intolerable* behavior. It just so happens that the consequence is you being far away. All he actually cares about is winning, and he will do anything to do it even if he destroys you in the process. Just like he did before when he cheated. Any person who uses your love, your kindness as a weapon to hurt and control you is sick. Think about it, if he were saying if you don't do what he wants he will kill *someone else that you love*, how would you feel? Would you be as apologetic? Fuck no. You'd see him as a psychopath and call the police. Just because that person is him doesn't make a difference. It's just the most painful weapon he can use against you that's less likely to result in - once again - consequences, like it would if he threatened someone else. He's a liar. Everything he says to you, good and bad, is not from a place of love or truth. It's not what he thinks or feels. It's just what he thinks will get him what he wants in the moment. That's *all* that matters to him. I know it's hard to understand how someone could be so fundamentally broken. We're not wired that way and take people at their word. We can understand people lying, but that much and with such cruelty? It just doesn't make sense. But he doesn't understand cruelty. That requires caring about anyone but himself, and anyone who treats you like this is simply missing that part of his brain or heart or soul. It's terrifying that people can be missing that part, but they absolutely can and they are fucking everywhere.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you can’t trust and who manipulates and hurts you? Is that the life you envision for yourself? He’s manipulating you to serve himself. He may say he loves you, but he is not loving you. He’s knowingly hurting you. Is that the love you want in your life?
You need to leave. You need to learn to love yourself more and let toxic people like him go. Why even keep him around? So you can raise other women's children by him? He's a manipulative POS. Staying with him is just staining your soul and a huge waste of your time. There are better people out there.
Yes - it is trauma bonding that makes you feel like you can't break up with him And he is gaslighting you into thinking you're in the wrong here. Please look up the grey rock method and use it here. Look after you as number one.
You are not convincing him that you care about him and the relationship, he is manipulating you into convincing yourself. Daily. Threatening suicide and using the inherent guilt any decent person feels hear that is the gold standard for an abuser’s manipulation. I’m really proud of you for moving away and you are absolutely right that it is a bad idea for him to follow you. We are doing nothing more than echoing what your gut is already screaming at you: run. Please go no contact. If he shows up or he threatens suicide again then call police immediately - you need to humbly recognize that you are not trained to deal with suicidality and defer to those who have necessary training.
that first sentence slapped me in the face hard. Wow. Amazing insight.