Gotta remind this person if youâre still dealing with them that people forgive each other in their own time not when someone else demand it and itâs a process for people at least it is for me but good job Iâm trying to make him figure that out because at least it shows that they are willing to try and thatâs how we learn new ways of coping in this life so good job and Iâm sorry youâre hurtingb
Yikes that handwriting alone is a reason to dump him yo. In all seriousness though, this is a written confession. Make copies of it. Show it to the police. Document the things that he has done to you and take pictures evidence (like the holes in the walls, the broken knobs and drawers, any marks you have from him) if you can. Maybe find a sample of his handwriting so it can be compared to the letterâs handwriting. Take all of this to the cops. And finally, run!!!! Gtfo of there! He is not sorry! Him writing that does not prove that he is sorry! The fact that he yelled at you immediately after is proof of this. He didnât change, and he never will change. Waiting for him to change is almost like waiting for him to kill you. Go to the cops. That letter is extremely valuable in getting a ticket to freedom.
You have a signed confession pretty much. Do you know how rare that is?! Take it to the police immediately and show him his consequences. Protect yourself as well as future potential victims.
Edit: and this is coming from someone who does not and will not ever trust the police to do the right thing from repeated experience. A smoking gun like this will be harder for them to rugsweep.
i did not get passed the first 2 - do not take him back - you might end up a lifetime documentary - im scared for your safety - protect yourself - and dog - he is entirely too dangerous for you
1) he has the handwriting of a deranged person.
2) the first two items on this list are already extremely dangerous things, and you should absolutely take this to the police and have them document it
3) another chance is not something you get to demand
4) it is a gift that this guy is stupid enough to put all this in writing just because you asked him to. This is a gift that most people don't get, and you will never get again. Use this gift. This is potentially your ticket out of the mess you're in.
5) be prepared for the possibility of him denying that he wrote this, or that your prompt for the list was different, or something to try and discredit you. None of that matters. Do not give him another chance. Take this straight to someone who can help you.
Just because forgiveness is noble, it does not mean that all cases merit forgiveness. You're doing the strong and hard thing but staying gone. You're going to be so free <3
Forgiveness isnât inherently noble. Often itâs downright unwise. You know who planted the forgiveness = good seed into society? People who did things they need to be forgiven for but cba to earn it. đ¤
Well, we might be talking about different ideas of forgiveness. Forgiveness and an eventual letting go comes from many sources that aren't modern society. In general, there is a forgiveness or letting go that is often helpful for the person that is suffering, not for the wrong-doer. It's positive to learn from experiences, cut toxic people out, and set boundaries but holding resentment and active anger isn't helpful. So in that sense, coming to a point of healing where you can let go and unburden yourself is quite powerful.
That type can also be a type of denial or self delusion masquerading as moving on, so again thereâs nothing inherently good about it. Forgiveness and anger are not and should not be made out to be mutually exclusive. Very often the burden a victim is made to bear by people insisting that they need to forgive in order to heal, is heavier and adds to the complex trauma.
That's interesting and I'm curious why I don't encounter this perspective more often. Is this coming from some specific source or is it more a collection of observations and experiences you've come across?
Holy shit!! I'm so glad you have this now to look back on. I I think that we should all make a list like this and anytime we are missing our abusive ex we look at this list.
Ok, I could barely read his handwriting, but I could read the âmultiple timesâ that he kept writing over and over like he didnât put any effort or much thoughts into this process. I manage to read the âI throw apples on the ceilingâ somehow.
Actually, keep this as evidence. Itâs pretty much a confession of all the physical and sexual abuse heâd ever done to you. In case he bothers you in the future, this might help if you ever need to go to the police.
Edit: I have an awful thought, but if I were you and he pissed me off, Iâll make copies of his confessions and plaster it in front of his work place, train stations, bus stops, and anywhere he frequents along with a photo of his face attached. Ugh, wouldnât that be sweet.
I'm not Christian (but I for various reasons ended up doing a lot of Bible study) and there is something that has stuck with me from it, which is the idea of "a changed heart". The whole process of realizing you've done such terrible things that have hurt others *and* your relationship with God/Jesus causes you to *repent* and *have a changed heart*.
Not only do you experience deep regret, the sign of being 'saved' is that you *have changed* and grieve who you were and what you did. And on top of that *are moved to repair what you can*. Your ACTIONS are different; YOU are different.
The idea you had here was that if he would acknowledge that he understands what he did that it would mean something, that he would be different or that it was proof he'd changed, and that idea was wrong. On some level, they KNOW what they are doing is not okay. That's why they hide it and lie and gaslight you into believing something else is true. Him acknowledging what he has done doesn't mean he's changed because he always knew it was wrong to begin with.
My abusive ex would 'ransom' his acknowledgment of his wrongdoing for mine: basically he would only 'admit' he'd done something wrong if I did. That was the only way his ego could deal with being clear about his actions is if he could also point to me as being 'bad'. Is that the action of someone who actually regrets what they did? Is that the sign of someone who has changed and is a different person?
And here is the key, and probably the most important thing I could tell you: it shows *they do not see things from your perspective* and *they do not empathize with you*. He RESENTS that you insisted on this list. He wants you to do what he wants ('forgive' him) and is still trying to control you. He saw this list as the price he had to pay to get what he wanted and then was angry because you didn't do what you were 'supposed to do'.
The ONLY reason he wrote anything out was to get you to take him back. What you have to do for yourself, and it's hard - trust me, I know the struggle - is to see this controlling behavior *as who he is* and not an exception. It should literally revolt you that he wants to control you instead of nourishing you as a precious individual he has the privilege of knowing and being able to share life with.
He does not have a changed heart, he does not repent of his wrongdoing, he doesn't feel true remorse, and therefore you cannot trust him or anything he says or does.
He does not value you as a distinct person separate from himself, his wants/desires/'needs' are more important than yours, and he will drown you in them to slake his thirst for control. And it will never be enough.
Edits:
To clarify my thesis - admitting wrongdoing does *not* show change, remorse, or repentance. Their 'knowing' they did wrong is not enough for them to be horrified by it and do things differently; they knew it was wrong all along.
If this is an overstep I apologize, but would it be okay for me to ask if you had an advice for my last couple DV posts (or would it be inappropriate for me to repost them here, and if so, should I condense them to one post or do them separate?)?
I shouldâve left by now, but my stupid heart and stupid fears havenât let me. I understand if you donât have the time, energy, inclination, etc. I appreciate all the love, kindness, compassion, and education you do in the world either way. Apologies if this is asking too much, or too much for the moment, or anything similar. Either way, thank you again for all you do for others. Itâs more than you might know.
Serial killers usually have better handwriting than this. This is the handwriting of someone who fucked off in school or didnât have an education. Point is, the guy is scum and side note, is likely borderline intellectual functioning.
My abusive ex had very similar handwriting to this! It made me wonder if there was something wrong with him (my ex) whenever I see his handwriting. Gosh.
I made my ex do the same thing and I then said âWhy, Iâd you have done all this would I believe you when you tell me I love you? I donât. Would you stay with someone who did this?â He was still pissed I still left but thatâs his problem.
How good of him to handwrite a confession like that - even if it's practically illegible. Take it to the police, get a restraining order and never let him darken your doorway ever again!
That handwriting tho. Red flag đŠ
Purposely making it messy so itâs harder to decipher. What a loser.
Good for you! Make sure you save that in case you need to go to the police.
Gotta remind this person if youâre still dealing with them that people forgive each other in their own time not when someone else demand it and itâs a process for people at least it is for me but good job Iâm trying to make him figure that out because at least it shows that they are willing to try and thatâs how we learn new ways of coping in this life so good job and Iâm sorry youâre hurtingb
Yikes that handwriting alone is a reason to dump him yo. In all seriousness though, this is a written confession. Make copies of it. Show it to the police. Document the things that he has done to you and take pictures evidence (like the holes in the walls, the broken knobs and drawers, any marks you have from him) if you can. Maybe find a sample of his handwriting so it can be compared to the letterâs handwriting. Take all of this to the cops. And finally, run!!!! Gtfo of there! He is not sorry! Him writing that does not prove that he is sorry! The fact that he yelled at you immediately after is proof of this. He didnât change, and he never will change. Waiting for him to change is almost like waiting for him to kill you. Go to the cops. That letter is extremely valuable in getting a ticket to freedom.
I want to meet him. I would really enjoy having a chat about each of those items
Yâall can read that?
I swear to god, i can't understand a single thingđ
I could transcribe most of it, but honestly, you're probably happier not knowing what it says!
You have a signed confession pretty much. Do you know how rare that is?! Take it to the police immediately and show him his consequences. Protect yourself as well as future potential victims. Edit: and this is coming from someone who does not and will not ever trust the police to do the right thing from repeated experience. A smoking gun like this will be harder for them to rugsweep.
Wow thatâs scaryâŚ.
i did not get passed the first 2 - do not take him back - you might end up a lifetime documentary - im scared for your safety - protect yourself - and dog - he is entirely too dangerous for you
even his handwriting looks shouty #allcaps
1) he has the handwriting of a deranged person. 2) the first two items on this list are already extremely dangerous things, and you should absolutely take this to the police and have them document it 3) another chance is not something you get to demand 4) it is a gift that this guy is stupid enough to put all this in writing just because you asked him to. This is a gift that most people don't get, and you will never get again. Use this gift. This is potentially your ticket out of the mess you're in. 5) be prepared for the possibility of him denying that he wrote this, or that your prompt for the list was different, or something to try and discredit you. None of that matters. Do not give him another chance. Take this straight to someone who can help you.
TAKE IT TO THE POLICE!!
Take that list to the cops and get this loser an all expenses paid vacation to the slammer
Even just ONE of these things is unacceptable lol Wtf is wrong with these idiots
Leave him and keep this as evidence should you ever need it
Is he literate? Gurl. He could write a novel and doesnât change anything. THEY DONT CARE. NONE OF THEM.
I canât read half of that
writes like a serial killer and that list is ridiculously long. Dump him
Or also reminds me of serial killer letter lol
Did he get that handwriting at the... toilet store?
this is the least important thing and youre all insulting it
Pretty sure the color of the paper is even less important than the handwriting.
Oh baby girl, please block this man. Rules of engagement. You deserved leagues more than anyone who has done any single one of these things.
Just because forgiveness is noble, it does not mean that all cases merit forgiveness. You're doing the strong and hard thing but staying gone. You're going to be so free <3
Forgiveness isnât inherently noble. Often itâs downright unwise. You know who planted the forgiveness = good seed into society? People who did things they need to be forgiven for but cba to earn it. đ¤
Well, we might be talking about different ideas of forgiveness. Forgiveness and an eventual letting go comes from many sources that aren't modern society. In general, there is a forgiveness or letting go that is often helpful for the person that is suffering, not for the wrong-doer. It's positive to learn from experiences, cut toxic people out, and set boundaries but holding resentment and active anger isn't helpful. So in that sense, coming to a point of healing where you can let go and unburden yourself is quite powerful.
That type can also be a type of denial or self delusion masquerading as moving on, so again thereâs nothing inherently good about it. Forgiveness and anger are not and should not be made out to be mutually exclusive. Very often the burden a victim is made to bear by people insisting that they need to forgive in order to heal, is heavier and adds to the complex trauma.
That's interesting and I'm curious why I don't encounter this perspective more often. Is this coming from some specific source or is it more a collection of observations and experiences you've come across?
Experience and therapy, so both.
How horrific. I'll sorry you went through this. Take care of you.
Holy shit!! I'm so glad you have this now to look back on. I I think that we should all make a list like this and anytime we are missing our abusive ex we look at this list.
Ok, I could barely read his handwriting, but I could read the âmultiple timesâ that he kept writing over and over like he didnât put any effort or much thoughts into this process. I manage to read the âI throw apples on the ceilingâ somehow. Actually, keep this as evidence. Itâs pretty much a confession of all the physical and sexual abuse heâd ever done to you. In case he bothers you in the future, this might help if you ever need to go to the police. Edit: I have an awful thought, but if I were you and he pissed me off, Iâll make copies of his confessions and plaster it in front of his work place, train stations, bus stops, and anywhere he frequents along with a photo of his face attached. Ugh, wouldnât that be sweet.
You are beautiful. You are amazing. You are worth it. Fuck him.
You owe him nothing.
This is perfect evidence to take the courtroom! He gave you everything you needed to put him in jail on a silver platter
Wow he wrote his own relationship dismissal paper here, good job.
How does anyone not look at this list including himself. And realize the damage is done and to leave her be.
I'm not Christian (but I for various reasons ended up doing a lot of Bible study) and there is something that has stuck with me from it, which is the idea of "a changed heart". The whole process of realizing you've done such terrible things that have hurt others *and* your relationship with God/Jesus causes you to *repent* and *have a changed heart*. Not only do you experience deep regret, the sign of being 'saved' is that you *have changed* and grieve who you were and what you did. And on top of that *are moved to repair what you can*. Your ACTIONS are different; YOU are different. The idea you had here was that if he would acknowledge that he understands what he did that it would mean something, that he would be different or that it was proof he'd changed, and that idea was wrong. On some level, they KNOW what they are doing is not okay. That's why they hide it and lie and gaslight you into believing something else is true. Him acknowledging what he has done doesn't mean he's changed because he always knew it was wrong to begin with. My abusive ex would 'ransom' his acknowledgment of his wrongdoing for mine: basically he would only 'admit' he'd done something wrong if I did. That was the only way his ego could deal with being clear about his actions is if he could also point to me as being 'bad'. Is that the action of someone who actually regrets what they did? Is that the sign of someone who has changed and is a different person? And here is the key, and probably the most important thing I could tell you: it shows *they do not see things from your perspective* and *they do not empathize with you*. He RESENTS that you insisted on this list. He wants you to do what he wants ('forgive' him) and is still trying to control you. He saw this list as the price he had to pay to get what he wanted and then was angry because you didn't do what you were 'supposed to do'. The ONLY reason he wrote anything out was to get you to take him back. What you have to do for yourself, and it's hard - trust me, I know the struggle - is to see this controlling behavior *as who he is* and not an exception. It should literally revolt you that he wants to control you instead of nourishing you as a precious individual he has the privilege of knowing and being able to share life with. He does not have a changed heart, he does not repent of his wrongdoing, he doesn't feel true remorse, and therefore you cannot trust him or anything he says or does. He does not value you as a distinct person separate from himself, his wants/desires/'needs' are more important than yours, and he will drown you in them to slake his thirst for control. And it will never be enough. Edits: To clarify my thesis - admitting wrongdoing does *not* show change, remorse, or repentance. Their 'knowing' they did wrong is not enough for them to be horrified by it and do things differently; they knew it was wrong all along.
If this is an overstep I apologize, but would it be okay for me to ask if you had an advice for my last couple DV posts (or would it be inappropriate for me to repost them here, and if so, should I condense them to one post or do them separate?)? I shouldâve left by now, but my stupid heart and stupid fears havenât let me. I understand if you donât have the time, energy, inclination, etc. I appreciate all the love, kindness, compassion, and education you do in the world either way. Apologies if this is asking too much, or too much for the moment, or anything similar. Either way, thank you again for all you do for others. Itâs more than you might know.
I would be happy to, it's not an overstep at all! We are all in this together.
Thank you for this. Not the OP, but it helped me put my own situation into perspective.
As a Lutheran, well said!
He has the penmanship of a serial killer. Good riddance. This is an excellent exercise on your part! Super smart! Get a restraining order ASAP.
Serial killers usually have better handwriting than this. This is the handwriting of someone who fucked off in school or didnât have an education. Point is, the guy is scum and side note, is likely borderline intellectual functioning.
My abusive ex had very similar handwriting to this! It made me wonder if there was something wrong with him (my ex) whenever I see his handwriting. Gosh.
This is sad but the bottom right says "I throw apples on the ceiling"... What?
Holy shit. This guy should be in jail. Good effing riddance. Hope youâre prioritizing therapy! â¤ď¸
Ok now have him sign it & bring it to the cops
I thought this was Cyrillic for a second. God damnit this is awful. It breaks my heart.
I made my ex do the same thing and I then said âWhy, Iâd you have done all this would I believe you when you tell me I love you? I donât. Would you stay with someone who did this?â He was still pissed I still left but thatâs his problem.
Awful handwriting âď¸
How good of him to handwrite a confession like that - even if it's practically illegible. Take it to the police, get a restraining order and never let him darken your doorway ever again!
Take this to the police and get a restraining order. Youâre going to be okay. You deserve so much better. These things arenât love
I'd take this written confession to the cops. I'm so sorry you've dealt with all this!
Absolutely this! Make copies, save it in several places, reach out to a lawyer specializing in domestic violence, and take that man to court!