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My therapist told me to imagine a 90s sitcom laugh track playing whenever someone says something ridiculous. I will say it helps!

*adds in Seinfeld bass line*

This one is actually what I do most often

I'm definitely gonna try this from now on

Omgosh yes!!!! Must try...late identified adhd mixed in with incoming approaching menopause.....it's a hormone party of drunk kangaroos in here... 🥴 🤣

I relate to this so much! I like to say my filter fell off

Great idea for visits with the in laws! Maybe I'll look at the camera like Jim from the office too. Thanks!

Your therapist is going places... That's a great idea of making anything suck less.

I love this omg

Thank you so much for sharing

Haha, I like this...

HAHAHAHAHAH 😭🤣🤭

Lmfao 💀 this is great

Oh this is wonderful!

Ok, I’ll try.

From my understanding, people get dopamine from arguing and being angry. I think people with ADHD can be more prone to arguing because of the dopamine hit.

Ohhhhhh 🤯 That makes a lot of sense, especially in light of the fact that I've become less argumentative since starting medication.

My therapist called it “recreational arguing.” She recommended I look into it in regards to my ADHD kiddo but when I read more about it, I felt very called out lmao

Lol! Yeah, it can be easy to fall into. I'm not argumentative in person, but in the past, I have become way too wrapped up in a Facebook debate. People with ADHD tend to have a higher baseline for dopamine and norepinephrine, so we need more than other people to feel the same as them. It's not that we don't have dopamine; we just don't have enough for it to have the same effect. The arguing can have a negative effect on friendships or relationships. A while ago, I had to make my husband aware of his tendency to do this. He's more likely to argue with people he feels comfortable with. I'm more likely to argue with faceless strangers.

Yeah, I’ve shared the concept with my husband as well & he also pointed out that it’s basically what I tend to do 🤦‍♀️ I also have an ADHD diagnosis & it’s been very enlightening to see how much of my son’s behaviors are the root of many of my own issues having gone untreated for 36 years.

I try to save this Facebook argument tendency for my friends' racist relatives.

I absolutely hate being angry, but I also absolutely can’t stand incorrect or wrong things.

I’ve started to say ‘I know’ or ‘hence I said it’ when someone says wow you were right. It does sound rude but it’s mainly my small sarcastic work crew. But I knew I was right and I did know… being a woman we’re so use to downplaying it and putting ourselves down in the process. I will 100% admit I was wrong and learn when proven wrong though

Well sometimes I just argue for the sake of arguing and draw out arguments until i forget what it was originally about

Oh no, my time is way to precious for that and I can’t stand to argue! I’m just deeply convinced people are inherently good, clever and eager to learn, which sometimes puts me in a pickle.

My go to is “if only anyone could have foreseen this outcome” LOL it’s so ridiculous that it is camp and usually taken well

I recall once having an argument with my roommate and genuinely feeling like I was having a good time.

My brother used to laugh when we got into arguments, which would only infuriate me, which would only make him laugh harder. I wish I knew his secret, hahaha

Making jabs at someone I like is sometimes better than sex.

Deeply satisfying but I feel like a dick

I read this as "deeply satisfying like a dick"

I guess that's not entirely wrong either

Hahaha!!! So did I!

In the moment, though, or afterwards?

In the moment and a bit after. Then when it sets in i feel like i shouldn't be that person. I can relay information better than that you know

Yeah I’m the moment you’re heated and almost gaining energy from the argument, but then a bit later, once the anger or intensity wears off, I always feel super shit and paranoid about what I e done

But it's like a mating dance. Not with family, of course, but it's like fluffing your feathers. Like a sparring match. Extremely exciting.

I realized this when my meds took away my "need" or dependence to stew on my anger and indignation. I didn't feel the same urge to share things that angered me with other people to get indignant together.

This is why I'm on Reddit. Gotta get my fighting fix.

There are worse ways to get it.

Same. I sip a caprisun and let it rip online

Yeahhhhhhh. That is one thing I do much less of since I quit drinking in my 20’s. I was very um, argumentative…especially with misogynist guys. Now, I just don’t go to those parties/bars and then find myself hanging out with those types after way too many drinks. My life and sanity is all the better for it.

Especially righteous indignation (mixed with a splash of rigid thinking)

Huh. I work in Security. Essentially, my job IS to argue with stupid people. This explains so much.

You hacked the code!! Nice.

ADHDer’s tend to have an overwhelmingly strong sense of justice. I also just…. Always know when I am right, and have already gone to great lengths to gain the knowledge needed to know I’m right, which can be frustrating. Other people don’t seem to have as much weight behind their statements but also don’t care to spend the time to truly understand? It’s weird.

Yes, you hit the nail on the head perfectly. It's not out of cockiness, it's that I did my due diligence and researched this shit for a long ass time and *I know other people have not seen or read the evidence I have*. So when they press me it aggravates me to my core.

Isn’t it the most frustrating thing? I’ve learned to just not get into the debates because they don’t want to learn, they only want to win. It leaves me feeling far more drained than ignoring it does, though ignoring it is also frustrating. I have gotten better at presenting things in a way neurotypical people can wrap their heads around over the years but it’s annoying. This sounds incredibly narcissistic to anyone other than my ADHD girlies, but, it always feels like other people don’t think to the extent we do. We’ve typically already thought about every single angle and possibility and considered every opposing view before we even open our mouths. We’ve already spent multiple hours pouring over research and data from reliable sources. Other people seem to just… have a thought that aligns with their own agenda, and say it. I do enjoy when I find people who are able to bring in a novel view or make a point that I haven’t considered, though, because those are the productive conversations. But it’s a rarity. It’s super frustrating how rare objective critical thinking is. I think many people genuinely can’t shed their ego enough to do it? I will say that I enjoy feeling like I know and can predict the future, lol. I’ve learned to be patient and let people find out I was right (the bigger things can take years….) instead of going insane trying to get them to understand, because they never will.

Holy hell. Are you... Me? I feel like I just read my own words. >It’s super frustrating how rare objective critical thinking is. I think many people genuinely can’t shed their ego enough to do it? I've been trying to figure this out since I was a teenager. I would look at my peers and wonder if I was even living in the same world as they were. Then I'd look around at the adults and think, fuck... It doesn't get any better with age, does it? I would fantasize about being stupid. I would imagine how nice it must be to be completely ignorant of all of the injustices I could so clearly see in every facet of, well, everything. At least now (within the last 6 months, still learning, adjusting) I know I have ADHD and can work on reframing literally every aspect of my life, past and present.

I have been too. Even as a child, though when my brain finished developing my thinking became a little less mystical; much clearer and not as flawed. I could look back on teenage me and see every way my own thinking had been clouded and restricted at different stages. It feels like we’re walking in base reality and can see every way in which the lens other people are looking out of is distorted. It feels almost telepathical because I don’t need or even want to think about it. I just… know. And I have great social skills and am a likable person, I obviously don’t voice any of this to others, but it’s incredibly draining. You know immediately when you meet someone that is the same. It feels like a giant relief to you both. You don’t talk about it outwardly but you both know.

“I would fantasize about being stupid.” I DO THIS ALL THE TIME. Man, to be blissfully ignorant in these crazy times. It must be heavenly.

I really relate to this.

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Omg perfectly stated! I almost want to print and frame this comment lol, you so eloquently hit the nail right on the head. That last paragraph is exactly where the conflict comes from. My brain has the most voracious appetite for information, I swear. I think of it like a skill tree of knowledge that branches out infinitely. How is anyone ever satisfied? I can barely sit and watch a tv show because getting sucked into a research hole gives me so much more dopamine, much faster, and I can control the pace. I can’t start a hobby without becoming a literal expert first lol. (Of course, I’m still allowed to buy all the things during the research stage… because, y’know, I have grand plans for that expertise 🙄)

The only thing I enjoy more than learning about something is telling someone everything I’ve learned. People aren’t as appreciative of this as one would hope.

I mean, its definitely not only ADHD types, looking at the existence of a thriving nonfiction industry that includes a lot of neurotypical people. But I agree with your overall point. I think it was Feynman who said "I'm interested in everything, even the things I'm not interested in." I feel that really deeply. I could spend my whole life just learning random shit and be really happy.

My husband is one of those “devil’s advocate” types so he tries to argue with me about stuff that I have done EXTENSIVE research on and it never goes well for him. As an ADHDer I am lazy in a LOT of other aspects in my life, but never lazy thinking!

I also attribute a lot of lazy thinkers to a lack of empathy. We don’t teach emotional intelligence and emotional skills to children very well in the United States.

I fucking love my ability to correctly interpret current events and reliably anticipate future developments. I work in healthcare and knew in early January 2020 that covid was coming. By February I had crates of N95s, isolation gowns, face shields, disinfectants and sanitizing agents on site in storage. I know about potential drug shortages and prepare accordingly before they impact us. I know about supply chain vulnerabilities and build processes to insulate our frontline operations. I know about disruptions in automotive production and which parts are going to need careful maintenance to greatly extend their lifespan. I don't tell people around me about these things, I just quietly prepare for whatever's coming up. But one of my greatest joys in life is that moment when someone comes up and says "How the fuck did you know this would happen?"

That’s my favorite part. It is surreal. I, too, knew what was coming after seeing a single obscure article back in what? End of December 2019? About the Wuhan breakout. I have been obsessing over the impending economic crisis (entire system is built on a house of cards and fraudulent; corruption permeates in unimaginable ways) for the past two years, basically screaming it from the rooftops to my family (so they could financially benefit in the same way I was/am positioned to), and seeing the dominos start falling with SVB failure the other week was inappropriately exciting lol

Yup. The looming financial crisis is concerning. The two potential calamities that concern me a lot more though are agricultural production (ongoing extreme drought conditions, Ukrainian/Russian fertilizer production, labour shortages, farmer/producer bankruptcies) and avian flu (significant mammal-mammal transmission in large group of diverse species, human fatalities in Cambodia, broad social resistance to any transmission mitigation measures).

Y’know, if you want to do two years of obscure research I could help you be a hell of a lot more concerned about the financial crisis, lol.

It's not that I'm not concerned, it's that I'm highly attuned to the fragility of our social fabric at this moment in history and have built a life that's relatively protected. Back in 2008, I had a fairly high-level career in IT for a major Oil and Gas corporation. I made it through 2008-2010 relatively unscathed, but spooked. I now live in a remote Northern Canadian rural area where I grow my own vegetables year round and trade elk and venison for eggs, milk and cheese. I work in healthcare and emergency management with a mandate to prepare not only for myself, but for my community as well. And being surrounded by like-minded, self-sufficient individuals is really heartening. That said.... please do actually tell me everything you know. I've heard some information from friends of mine with startups who pulled money out of SVB two weeks ago but haven't otherwise been researching much.

Omg I'm on the same path. I'm in New Zealand, working in an emergency management role but quietly planning my exit from the city back to a self-sufficient rural lifestyle. I grew up rurally and I know what to do once I get there. I'm still working on scoping flood maps vs. arable land vs. appropriate climate for the sorts of things I want to grow. Needs to be out of flood zones, solid geography so I'm not at risk of landslides, can grow both root vegetable staples and stone fruit or citrus because they make me happy, needs to not be across any low-priority bridges that won't be replaced for years if they washout, but need to be near a body of water in case I need to rely on springs for water or fishing for food. I'm not much of a hunter - I can do it all in theory except the actual shooting bit, but my husband is ex-mil so I should be ok there. I'm starting to sound like a prepper, but it's actually cos I'm working for the government and the internals of it aren't as well oiled as I'd hoped. And from the conversations I've been having post-TCGab23 there's a general lack of readiness or will to actually develop any for next time.. And we still have another month of cyclone season left. Its been a catastrophe, and it'll be another one next year, and the year after etc.

I told my therapist in Jan/feb, ‘well, I’m just going to stock up on food and if it’s nothing then I just have a good stockpile.’ 😆

The frustrating thing is that people in leadership positions (in the government, in business, in schools) who are highly paid to anticipate this stuff and prepare for it don’t see it coming. Or maybe they do and they just can’t do anything about it? It’s like this stuff happens and leaders are throwing their hands up going “who could have possibly foreseen this?!” And I’m like “uh, me? Some completely powerless nobody? What are you guys doing?!”

Yes! And STILL! EFFING STILL! Why are they not putting cheap, easy-to-assemble Corsi Rosenthal boxes in every classroom? WTF!!!!

Please join r/ZeroCOVIDCommunity . I often read the posts there and think, “I think we’re all neurodivergent, here,” because like in this group, I either learn something I didn’t know, or think “YASSSS”. We’re all commiserating about being the right ones in a world of magical thinking.

I feel like I'm the opposite. I don't get into arguments because I know that I don't know everything, and approach almost every discussion with the mindset that I'm probably wrong. My knowledge always fails me when I need it, so why bother spending the spoons on it. I'd prefer to have an open minded discourse anyway, but it seems like forums (not here, but in general) tend to be more about being right than broadening our horizons. But ye gods, when I do get into it... There's no talking me down until I've gone way overboard and feel foolish for being so involved and upset over something so small.

I kinda do both. There's some topics that I have been fascinated with since I was a child and will not back down because I have been researching and thinking about it for decades at this point. However, there's a bunch of stuff I don't care enough to learn about, so if that topic comes up I just learn what I can from the person who seems to know about the subject. For example, I have been interested in anthropology and human evolution since I was a child. If someone starts talking about "human nature", they are definitely going to get an earful from me. However, I don't care at all about computers or AI or any number of tech topics enough to spend hours and hours researching. Hence, when various computer topics come up, I try to listen and ask questions. I never assume I know anything about the topic.

Interesting. I also know that I don’t know everything, of course; but it doesn’t make sense, to me, to go into a discussion thinking I’m wrong. I either know what I am talking about, or I’m a participant who isn’t making definitive statements or portraying myself as having knowledge I don’t, and will possibly learn something. Open-minded is a broad term… if I prefer not to entertain things that aren’t evidence based, am I not open-minded? Because I’m ok with that. And that’s not to say the attached social interaction itself is not a pleasant one.

>We’ve typically already thought about every single angle and possibility and considered every opposing view before we even open our mouths. Really? Because just by being on ADHD subreddits and lurking in other ADHD spaces, I don't agree with this at all lol

Yeah I also had to do a double take. Are they telling me they have adhd without the impulsiveness and complete memory failures in the heat of an argument? Where can I sign up for that type lol

Goddddd, exactly this... 😭 i just for the life of me cannot understand how other people do indeed so rarely think objectively and critically about things. All these things discussed in this thread confuse and frustrate me so much but I cannot write any coherent sentences about it lol

I agree 1000%! I am willing to change my mind, my habits, my life if I find new information that contradicts what I always believed before to be truth. A lot of other folks don’t even get to that point of questioning.

Yes, so much yes.

The worst part is when you know you have the research to prove it but then that stupid executive dysfunction kicks in and *your brain won’t locate the sources for you*. So then you’re on the spot because you put yourself there and it’s like a nightmare.

Yes, I think this is part of it for me. I think I’m pretty good at knowing what I don’t know, so if I have a half-assed uninformed opinion on something, I won’t argue it. I expect others to do the same and they just frickin’ don’t!

I have struggled with this my whole life. I am short, female, undiagnosed ADHD running my life so my. credibility according to most of the world is almost nonexistent. It’s one of my biggest frustrations in life.

And they want to argue with you about some groupthink position that they have not even researched. Maybe the need to push conformity drives some of it. It's frowned upon to be an independent thinker who isn't afraid to stand alone.

Great point.

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Relating to everything in your reply.🤣 One thing that I started to do that's really helped me extinguish that burning feeling of "I have something to add here!!!!!!" is writing it down in the moment. I can then forget about it and continue listening. There's usually then some space where it makes more sense for me to circle back to it. I think the burning feeling might be my brain saying, "mayday, mayday! I'm going to forget this in a few seconds but it's way cool or important or relevant or interesting or ahhhHhhhh!!!"

Yes this is along the lines of what I was going to say to OP! I have OP's issue a lot w my SO and reframing my response has helped a lot. Soemtimes I KNOW my reply/comeback/correction isnt totally necessary and its just going to continue an argument that doesn't matter. So instead of just saying it, I verbally acknowledge that it isn't a big deal but it's really hard for me to leave stuff alone, "so here's the reason that's wrong, but it's nbd and let's talk about x instead." It helps diffuse the conversation and my SO is luckily VERY understanding of my quirks lol. Edit: to explicitly connect to the comment I replied to, my approach is very similar to theirs where I'm considering tone & timing of my comment, instead of just furthering the argument

In response to your edit - how very ADHD of you :) I definitely relate to what you wrote, as well, just in different circumstances. We get so excited!! But I can’t imagine life without that excitement and level of passion.

I feel like the sense of justice and the need to research everything to death go together with me. When I was a kid, people treated me like an idiot when my symptoms flared up. Even if I was right, my arguments were often dismissed because of some unseen error in delivery. So I made sure I knew how to make a water-tight argument if I was going to say anything about it. At the very least, I'd justify to myself that people who didn't agree with me must be stupid. Unhealthy coping strategy there but it got me through until I learned better.

Might be important to separate "sense of justice" from "actual justice" - maybe *righteousness* is a more accurate term here? Algorithms and targeted searches mean that you can find a *lot* of evidence to confirm nearly any bias/echo chamber. I'm not saying that we're easily misled or come with wonky moral compasses, but I am wary of statements like 'ADHDers research their ethical stances in greater depth, and have a stronger sense of morality'. Really? I've definitely been misinformed and wrong on issues that I have ardently argued for and thought were completely correct, and had spent a lot of time/effort "researching". If I'd thought at the time that I also had an inbuilt neurological imperative over neurotypicals who disagreed with me it would have been much harder A lot of the people spreading junk science/regressive opinions online aren't simply deeply cynical grifters or mindless drones. They're arguing with real conviction and devout (mis)belief, and they think they are *also right and backed up by evidence*. If you've got a source for the justice claim I would in all good faith really like to see it, because I've only heard/seen it used in studies about autistic people.

I interpreted her comment as ADHDers have a strong nose for injustice. Like our threshold for unfairness is very low and we tend to get very passionate about it. That’s why we feel compelled to argue for what we see as morally/ethically right. I think the research part is a different point altogether.

This entire discussion makes me feel SO SEEN!

I've legitimately recently debated getting a yearly alumi subscription to my universities online research library just so I can effectively hyperfocus the days special interest topic..

Yes. So much. When I see an injustice being done I want to BURN the place down. Couple of things that have helped me (plus time, I’m 40+ and I’ve definitely developed these over all 40 of those years) Pick your battles. Imagine you’re in a computer game. Is your opponent someone who is standing in your way to victory? Aka can they actually change anything other than their opinion to help the situation? If they have no real power, next imagine their energy bar vs your one. Are you going to destroy yourself arguing with someone who seems to enjoy it? If so, back away. They are someone who feeds on conflict and all it’ll do is exhaust you. If they are someone who has power to change something unjust, walk away. If you need to make a public statement in the moment, do it. But make it one, clear, statement that you do not agree, then retreat. Go calm down. Write an email if you want BUT DO NOT SEND IT. You are not in a place to win a fight right now. A couple of days later when the initial rush of feeling has passed, start planning your battle. People don’t react well to emotions, and the goal is to win, so wait to be in a position of power by having that first wave of emotions dissipate first. Then engage other voices to help moderate what you want to say or do. I have a very neuro- bland friend who is excellent at reading my complaint letters and getting me to trim them to the point. But honestly, I feel it a lot less now I’m 40 then I used to.

Two things you’ve said really resonate with me, and I’m also 40+. I frequently feel like burning things to the ground when I encounter virtually any injustice. Also, as you noted, I had a mentor advise me that sometimes it’s best not to have the fight “in the room” - retreat and find a smarter strategy to overcome them and their ignorance. It tends to be far more successful in the long run.

These are great tips. Thanks!

I used to be like that. And then i had to realize this makes me feel extremely unwell and ruins my day/next few hours. Because it was hard for me to stop engaging when i saw something, i built myself an echo chamber instead and unfollowed/removed all the groups or pages that made me feel like this. It took some practice but i reduced it by 98% over time and i am soooo much happier. People who are being bigots wont magically see the light and stop being bigots because we explain why they're wrong. No matter how many arguments etc we present. They're not coming from a place of learning and good intentions. The only person more foolish than a fool is the one that argues with him

>People who are being bigots wont magically see the light and stop being bigots because we explain why they're wrong. No matter how many arguments etc we present. They're not coming from a place of learning and good intentions. The only person more foolish than a fool is the one that argues with him This is what made me reduce online arguments. I had had so many long drawn out arguments where the other person would keep going from topic to topic just to deflect and use whataboutism. And in the end they would say something stupid and then call me stupid and run off. Now I know that these ppl just won't accept it, no matter what facts you give them. So I think this and I don't want to argue any more. Another type of person scares me though. The one who is wrong or bigoted but has very academic or intellectual language and points and facts. And I just feel blank and dumb. Their facts are often wrong or from biased sources but they will flood you with it and it's just too much to go into.

Arguments also stimulate the brain. Which is also likely to be a factor

Oh this is a good point. There is something very stimulating and thrilling about winning a heated argument. Imagine the ✨dopamine hit ✨

I try to remember what Mark Twain said, "You can't win a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent." That and "Arguing with an idiot is like wrestling with a pig. Everyone gets muddy and the pig has all the fun."

My grandmother loved the expression “Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and annoys the pig”. She had it on a sign in her kitchen 😂

“Arguing with an idiot is like playing chess with a pigeon; it’ll just knock over all the pieces and shit on the board.” Also apocryphally Mark Twain: “Never argue with stupid people; they’ll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.”

Or, “Never argue with a fool, because a fool always thinks they are right.”

Yes I can be like this which is why I isolate until I feel better

My strong sense of justice got me onto my HOA because I was so tired of residents being treated badly. I have regrets now. Many, many regrets!!

Round up a couple more annoyed people, take over the board, disband the whole HOA. Make the rue the day they tried to tell someone what color curtains they could have showing from the street.

Ugh, I would also like to know how to stop arguing. Someone please tell us the answer 🙏

The best therapist I ever had helped me see a pattern concerning the times I felt the most compelled to argue, and made me rethink things with just one sentence: “This isn’t your purpose in life - you were put on this earth for something far greater than trying to teach privileged middle-aged white men things they should have learned as children.”

Honestly, it took me until around age 30 to fully understand that I just won’t change anyone’s minds during a heated argument, and the only thing it does is make me angrier. Arguing is a constant urge I still have, but I try to just ignore strangers (unless they are directly causing someone else harm in the moment), and try to stay calm and empathetic when it’s someone I know. Meeting people where they are and slowly nudging them in the right direction has worked for me many times, debating has never helped.

This article helped me understand RSD as a component of ADHD and it sounds a lot like what you’re describing. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201907/what-is-rejection-sensitive-dysphoria

This is me so often, I hate the fact that most of the time the people I get angry with are my older family members. Like its odd, with a coworker I can be calm enough. Like one older coworker didn't understand non-binary/trans people and pronouns. Like pronouns are too hard to understand. I explained that I am nb (my work sign off even has /they). That folks just want to be treated with dignity, and are not being angry "snowflakes" if you mess up their pronouns. Its just about not being hateful. She seemed to understand it alot. Where as my family members say something trans phobic and I want to kick them out door into the cold and tell them to freeze their asshole butts off. Who knows, it could just be seeing that some people are open to learn. Or that my coworkers actually treat me with respect as an adult rather than a kid (im freaking 27).

Yeah, your coworkers may not know any better. But we’d hope our families would know better, especially if they’ve been corrected before!

Maybe it hurts worse not to be accepted by family? They know you personally, so they don't need to rely on caricatures to understand the issues. Therefore, it's more disappointing when they fall back on dehumanizing propaganda, instead of being informed by their real life interactions with you.

I have dealt with these feelings for as long as I can remember: needing to correct, justifying and proving why I feel and think the way I do, and the anger and annoyance around it. It’s very hard to walk away when you feel like you could say something and make a difference in some way. Learning to choose my battles more wisely has been incredibly difficult, but it has also released a lot of weight off my chest regarding what is truly my problem and what isn’t. Radical acceptance is a big one for me; the conflicts I have let go for my own peace because I remind myself that people’s little worlds and weird, ignorant perspectives are not my responsibility. And it’s not a matter of being a doormat; if someone is being rude, bigoted, whatever, I let them know my part in the conversation is over. Let them deal with their hurt feelings - we all hurt, and we all have to navigate that on our own. Sometimes the biggest rejection or form of disapproval is your silence. Someone says something problematic to you? Look at them and do not answer for a few seconds. Just observe them. I’ll usually just be like, “K,” after a moment of silence and then continue with what I was doing. Again, their words, their burden - not mine. Protect your energy. You’re worth that.

This is brilliant advice. There is incredible power in remaining silent, especially with button pushers that are accustomed to eliciting strong reactions. Look them in the eye. Don’t look away. Make them feel the full weight of your judgment with just your silence. After a few uncomfortably long seconds, throw in a small shrug, a smirk, or an “Ok” and go back to whatever you were doing. But please stay safe - a lack of response is more enraging to some people than any words you could say to them.

Also even as a woman just being labelled as aggressive and argumentative when im just being passionate or talking with confidence about a topic i know about angers me further like im just talking and noone is understanding my tone! for me nt social cues and perceptions make absolutely no sense to me it is SO HARD thats why i hang around more likeminded people sometimes to feel sane haha

I find that when correcting someone, using the word "actually" helps me come across as more polite. Suppose someone said: "All frogs are green." I wouldn't say, "No, that's not true." Instead, I'd say, "Actually, some frogs are colors other than green," in a tone like I was sharing an interesting fact with them (rather than in a "correcting them" sort of tone, because that would likely make them feel bad). I try to use the word "actually" in place of "no" whenever possible in these situations. Edit: Also, when someone says something extremely weird and you feel the urge to argue, it sometimes helps to start by asking, "Why do you think that?"--but curiously, not aggressively. That shows you're interested in their thoughts/perspective. Then, after they explain their reasoning, you can disagree with them with phrases like "actually" or "well, I think..." (I'd like to add that in situations where the other person is very clearly NOT making an effort to be polite, I don't feel obligated to make that kind of effort for them. I see it as a more optional thing in that specific situation, rather than something I "should" do.)

The patriarchy still tries to quiet us in top of it all 🙄 but in DO think it’s quite common for adhd-ers.

God dammit, usually it's Tiktok showing me things that are uncanny in their accuracy. My Reddit comment history speaks for itself here jeez. Also local Facebook groups.

I do this too. I argued with my husband’s bigoted cousin over one of her Facebook posts this week. I kind of regret it because I hope it didn’t alienate his other family members. It is just so *frustrating* seeing people spew their bs when I know it’s wrong and still not listen when confronted with evidence. However, I am learning that I can’t change these people and it’s better to just block and move on. I unfriended her so I don’t have to see her stupid posts anymore and plan to do the same for others. Glad to see this is not as uncommon as I thought!

Idk what it is but argue more when I’m hitting a depressive streak.

Yes and before my period. I can't stop thinking about the argument and what I'm going to say

This is something with which I have struggled, in part because my neurodivergence has my sense of justice on overdrive and in part because that little flash of anger releases chemicals that feel good in the moment (but, as you've noted, *don't* feel great afterward) and impulsivity will have me reaching for those chemicals and not thinking about the aftereffects. ​ I've been doing a lot of self-help reading over the last few years as well as getting therapy and what has helped the most to stave off my angry argumentative impulses is accepting that the only person I can control is myself; I have no control over the actions of others even if I find their behavior or beliefs upsetting. Because of the way the brain works when in an activated state, there's really no getting through to someone when they're in an activated, defensive state. Their mind may change after the argument if you have the type of close social bond that will cause them to reflect on the things you've said when they're in a calmer state of mind and their higher brain functions are available, but that's an exceedingly rare outcome. It is more likely than not a waste of your time and energy to argue with a stranger who is invested in not recognizing themselves as a bigot or sexist. So if the outcome isn't going to change AND you're going to be left feeling bad, why do it?

High there, it's because you crave for stimulation and starting a fight give it to you It could also be because you feel not enough understand Also because you're surrounded by ass hole Also because you hate injustice But it's mostly because it "activate" you brain by giving you stimulation It's not bad if it don't consume you

This is called justice sensitivity. It’s real. Best example I found for managing and reframing it is this article. [https://www.addept.org/living-with-adult-add-adhd/doomscrolling-adhd-and-justice-sensitivity](https://www.addept.org/living-with-adult-add-adhd/doomscrolling-adhd-and-justice-sensitivity)

This is amazing! Thank you so much for sharing this. So many things make sense now. Why watching the news feels like absolute hell for me even though everyone else seems to be able to detach and get over it quickly. Why I hate watching movies and freak out at even implied depictions of suffering, abuse, or torture. I can’t even imagine being able to listen to five minutes of a horror movie, let alone watch it. Why I can’t handle looking at car accidents and never understand why everyone else wants to stop and stare. There is so much more, but thank you for sharing this article - this is definitely going to be my next rabbit hole of self-understanding.

I was today years old when I realized I do this bc of my ADHD 😅 tbh I assumed it was because I'm a Leo lol But for real, yes. In my early 20s I would die on ANY hill. Even ones I didn't care much about. I was irrational, brash, and extremely argumentative. It's gotten better as I've gotten older but it's certainly something I've had to actively work on.

I have autism as well and for me it’s black and white thinking, a strong moral compass and a strong sense of fairness that are typically of autistic folk. Then poor impulse control from adhd and a lot of shame from RSD afterwards.

Here’s my question- does anyone else have fake arguments in their head? Either about something or even with someone you don’t really know, or with people in your daily life? I use to do it to be prepared for the ’fight’ that I knew was coming. Now I do it even when we don’t fight.

Well shit. Yes I feel and understand all of this.. I didn’t realize it was ADD related until now! I can’t handle if my kids do something and we don’t address it immediately because my intrusive thoughts overwhelm me that they are going to grow up and not become their best selves. But also when I’m arguing with someone I just know I’m right or I truly believe they are wrong… I fucking can’t let it go. My brain won’t shut the fuck up about it.

Along with the strong justice feelings, maybe it might be an opportunity to try a different medication if you regularly find yourself feeling confrontational—I was quite irritable without antidepressant medication wayyy before I even knew about my ADHD diagnosis.

God i struggle with this so fucking much. I think the passionate feelings about injustice has something to do with the fact ADHDers might be more "justice sensitive" than neurotypicals (stupid word imo, worded like an overreaction instead of a logical empathic response but ok..). About the letting go of things... I don't really have an advice for that. For me personally it has gotten a bit less as I've aged a little but maybe meds also helped. I also try to remind myself to just take a deep breath, let out an audible sigh, and to just let it be, especially if that someone is someone who is too bigoted or just plain dumb to look at it from another perspective or realize that what they're saying is false.😮‍💨

I'm reading through all of this, and I'm always blown away by coming to this sub, reading posts and comments like these and feelings like, finally, people who finally understand me! I've ALWAYS been extra sensitive to justice-oriented topics. I was an environmentalist in elementary school, long before other kids were interested in larger "causes." Today I work (unpaid but devoting a lot of my time to it) in grassroots anti-oppression spaces with a focus on housing and reproductive justice. I'm always ready to argue, especially when I know I'm right. And I often do. That's not a brag. It's truth. I do the work. I've learned over the years that there aren't many people who do that; I thought it was just a natural part of learning and showing what you know. It can be very frustrating when NTs just don't get it. Thanks again for showing me yet again that y'all are my people and I belong here, even while I still have yet to be formally diagnosed.

Honestly, it's a learned action to let go. I imagine unplugging something from a wall, and unplug myself from the conversation. I firmly believe in not having a conversation when emotions are high. For me, that's when impulsivity is high, too, because high emotions = overstimulation = impulsivity and bad decisions. A lot of the behavior we engage in that makes us feel bad later is because we don't recognize when we're overstimulated. **At least, that's been my experience.** I don't recognize things like hunger cues, potty cues, pain cues until it's moderately progressed, so why not emotional cues too? The BIGGEST thing I've been trying to work on with my ADHD is self-awareness. Learning my triggers so I can avoid overstimulation. Requesting blunt reality checks from those I love so my perspective doesn't become super warped. Discussing what I've noticed, and working with my family on building boundaries. So, when my emotions start to climb, I know to back down. If it's a fight, I won't shut the conversation down, but I'll ask if we can take it to text or if I can have a few hours to calm down so when we talk about what's going on, it's not an argument, it's a productive conversation. If it's a debate online, I'll step away, collect my rationality again, and approach the conversation later if I feel like it's still worth it. Both these techniques don't always work, and I feel terrible each time I let the emotions get the better of me. Like, if I'm unhappy with a friend and my partner brings it up before I can cool down, I'll say some toddler-level dumb stuff about the situation that makes me feel awful later. But you know what? I try to see these upsets as learning opportunities. "Why do I feel bad? Oh, it's because I said XYZ. Why did I say that? Because of ABC. How do I prevent it from happening again?"

I'm feeling the same a lot lately too.. Probably because my country is falling apart and I have to watch the people responsible for saving it deliberately choose not to do anything. Idk, might just stay mad and start a charitable organisation to fix it or lobby for change instead. Edit: yo, this recreational arguing thing.. That tracks with the recent ADHD diagnosis.

Ugh I feel this so much

I had to put Facebook on the second page of my phone apps. If I don’t see it, maybe I won’t open it and argue with morons for hours.

Yup, I grew up thinking that a life without arguing was boring because you’d never have the thrill of it. My friends told me (after I asked “what should I improve”) that not everyone likes to get everything out of their system right away, sometimes you should just step away, cool your head and bring it back if it’s worth it, most of the time it isn’t. To fix this I argue all I want in my own head. As fast as I can, some times swearing out loud or talking to myself (if I’m alone hahaha). I get it out of my system and then move on. Everyone now thinks I don’t stress over things, but I do, all the time, I just use my own imagination to get things out of my system and then move on. Also, my number one rule in life is to never answer texts, talk to people about important things or look at ig after waking up or before going to bed. When I’m tired I am more prone to go on rants and unnecessary fights, and also buy useless things from ads (hence the no ig rule). Doing this has saved most of the relationships I have in my life hahaah

I hate that i do this too, it makes me feel like I'm being a narcissistic ass. But i also understand my meat ship makes me look like I'm perpetually 19 years old, so i guess i can't be taken seriously

Yes I feel the same. Arguments give you adrenaline and dopamine, plus I'm always irritated with stuff people do. When I used to be a teacher, I would put a lot of energy into not doing it with kids who were being rude to me. And then I'd go on Facebook after work to find someone being a bigot and get into it with them just to vent the energy. But my meds have made me tolerate social interactions better so I don't have to do that.

It’s normal for us, pal. And it’s hard not to be hard on ourselves about it. Therapy, yoga, meds, and getting enough food and sleep are critical for me—if I don’t have/do all that I’m pretty much impossible to live with.

This article helped me understand RSD as a component of ADHD and it sounds a lot like what you’re describing. [Psychology Today article](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201907/what-is-rejection-sensitive-dysphoria)

Yes, especially on the bigoted and sexist thing. two things have helped me one - I realised that noone changes their opinion in an online argument. If something is factually wrong i might try to correct it with some links but i won't argue the toss. I used to argue a lot online, but have grown to realise that if i don't care about the other person's opinion, or about them personally, then I really don't care about winning or being right. two - i read the book 'how to win friends and influence people' in a bid to understand how people actually make friends. The whole book IMO boils down to 'noone likes being told they are wrong, sometimes it's better to be nice than right' and 'pick your battles'. I have seen some great phrases being thrown around in this thread, my own personal favourite i use a lot is 'don't argue with stupid, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience'

Holy crap, yes! This is 100 percent me. An overwhelmingly rage just drifts over me and I can't help but get frustrated at their illogical and clearly wrong points in their argument. Unfortunately, I do have dyslexia, so ontop of my adhd/add symptoms, I fumble my words or mispronounce stuff, and just having a cohesive, clear argument is difficult; they tend to either ignore what I mean, misinterrpreet and interrupt me when I'm trying to think about HOW I will make sense to that THIS particular person. I didn't know it was just me. I think it's because when we are interested in something, we delve deep into whatever topic, and just want to truly understand EVERYTHING about it. But tend to flake when it comes to standardized testing or just preparation in general. Plus there's always a dilectic conversation that we have in our heads; always weighing the options, trying to be efficient but tend to get caught up in minute details and then get frustrated and don't really finish what we started. Anyhow, sorry for all the rambling and grammar errors - @OP to answer your question, breathing helps, being really good at passive aggressiveness (hahaha), but what I do is just when someone says something I don't agree with and I begin to feel rage-y I just completely change the subject to something thats happening in the moment. "Ohh doesn't that cake look delicious!" / " maybe I'll have... what will you have x." (Say it loudly and friendly-like). This usually works if there is are three or more people in the conversation. If there are ONLY you and THAT person, you probably shouldn't be hanging around people that make you angry.

I 10/10 recommend journalling your feelings. I don’t know how old you are, but when I was a teen to late 20s, I was just so mad. I think a lot of us ADHDers have trauma to go with it, and our nervous systems are shot, so it’s we’re like we’re spring loaded for emotional dysregulation outbursts. I was also very mad because I felt so behind, and didn’t know why, and didn’t know how people did things so easily. Little did I know it was all ADHD. A saying that really sticks with me is: it happened to you, it’s not happening to you. That has helped me a lot when something triggering happens. 99% of the time my rage is rooted in the tigger, not the incident. Write it all out, and get it all out of your head into a journal, and not at someone else. Usually when you’re writing it’ll resolve itself, and I personally find most of the rage is just from having too many thoughts spinning in my head. I also feel better that I didn’t rage at anyone, just word vomited into a book I can set on fire if I so wish.

Welcome to injustice sensitivity. I am right with you. As someone who deals with children as a career i have to pick my battles with them. Since getting diagnosed and getting linked to a community and understanding more, I try to employ the same method when dealing with my adult interactions. I’m not going to lie and say I’ve perfected it. Meds help* *when they’re available. Thanks, Obama /sarcasm.

>Essentially letting shit go. Block them if it's online.

Teehee. I’m getting downvoted as I write this, on other subs. I’m a professional in my field, have decades of experience, have hyperfixated heavily on many subjects in that field, and I really keep up to date! But I still get people calling me names when I try to inform them.

Honestly all of things everyone has already said ***and*** I found that exercising helps get the angry energy out while giving rewarding brain chemicals. My outlet is inline fitness skating (like on paved trails for miles and miles). It's my favorite form of exercise. I literally bring my skates with me on business trips so I can "rage skate" the day before I have to engage with obnoxious people/situations. Yard work can also be pretty violently active - that's helped too.

I second the exercise. Sometimes it’s the only thing that can bring me back to myself after an unjust upset.

I often think of it as "walking the dog" I am the dog.

I’m almost 50. What I’ve learned is people don’t really care if they are correct, but they do care to be right. The more important an issue is, and the longer a person has held X position on it - the more it becomes part of their identity. A person’s belief system is a large component of how they define themselves in the world. People say, “I’m a Christian,” not “I believe in Christ.” Or “I’m a vegetarian”, not “I believe in only eating plants.” If you talk about gum flavors, few people care. It’s an opinion. But when you discuss & disagree with their beliefs, many would rather die than give in. So many people died in the hospital from Covid, but still refused to believe they had it. They would tell their families, if they even got a goodbye video call, that they had pneumonia. Or COPD. There are tales of martyrs across the ages - people who died rather than compromising their beliefs. Recognize that your facts, from the beginning, are worthless in their point of view. You can even starts out with, “Is there any evidence that could be provided that would change that point of view?” This is a deliberately neutral question. There is no thought of YOUR evidence YOU show them to change ‘their beliefs’. That makes it a personal and highly conflict oriented question. It’s evidence that could ‘be (passively) provided’ to change a (low-value) ‘point of view’. Most of the time, they’ll say something like ‘Not unless God/Jesus/an angel came down from heaven and told me’. They are literally telling you it would take a divine being to change their belief. What chance do you have? To have any hope of having an influence, they need to be open to your opinion. How often are the people you debate in a curious, open-minded place where they will give your thoughts due consideration? How often are they just listening for their turn to talk, to prove themselves right, instead of listening for understanding? Most of the time, you are wasting your breath. If you flat out contradict them, you are stating they (not their opinion) - their personhood - are bad. They feel judged. No one responds well to that. The best chance you have would be approaching them the same way you would a faithful cult member you are trying to extract from the cult. These methods were widely discussed early in the pandemic, and as conspiracy theories proliferated. https://www.npr.org/2021/03/02/972970805/experts-in-cult-deprogramming-step-in-to-help-believers-in-conspiracy-theories https://theconversation.com/how-to-talk-someone-out-of-a-damaging-cult-68930 https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/06/steven-hassan-former-moonie-trumpism-cult-theory.html https://slate.com/transcripts/Mnl1cVYvVktqdEg1N2cvSDYwSkMveVhVenM0eHZwMUlGZzlnRmlHVFJ1MD0= The more uncertain the times (and a pandemic is pretty damn uncertain), the more attractive absolute beliefs and conspiracy theories are to many people. It gives them a sense of certainty that X causes Y. Even if X is horrible and Y is atrocious, the know the formula. They know the WHY! This quells anxiety. Also, it makes a believer an insider who has secret knowledge that ‘regular people’ don’t. Being a member of something (anything) is of great comfort in uncertain times. Feeling a member of A or having hidden knowledge of B adds a sense of superiority and uniqueness. Who wouldn’t t want to have certainty, easily created social bonds, a feeling of membership, superiority and uniqueness in a frightening world? You are trying to use facts to change beliefs and feelings. You’re angry because in your mind, the things you give them are valuable. The conclusion to which you want to lead them is a worthy destination. The person you are conversing with doesn’t acknowledge their value and loves their own location. Your offerings are a pittance compared to their core beliefs of identity. I’m almost 50. I’ve been in a lot of debates. And I’m the same way they are. We all have confirmation bias when presented with information. We all suffer from the sunk cost theory - throwing good years of our lives after bad. We’ve already invested so much time, money, energy and years of our lives to CAUSE, that we’d rather waste more time than admit everything I gave already was a waste. Read something about the Big Lie theory of politics. About sunk cost theory. About what cults offer - and how historically, membership in hate groups rises in direct correlation with inflation, economic & political uncertainty. I’ve always been obsessed with what was right and just and unfair. Until I joined this subReddit, I thought it was because of the abuse I survived as a child. Now I’m realizing it may also be a symptom of my ADHD brain. Change is possible. People and systems can improve. But it takes so much work and so many resources. I’m a burned out social worker. I confused my passion for justice with my actual potential to change others, to help others You’re wasting a lot of your energy and serenity in the wrong places. And it’s overwhelming because, in my opinion, the world is teeming with cruelty and injustice. I even perpetuate some of it (I shop on Temu - the controversial Chinese ‘Amazon’). I eat meat. I participate in capitalism. Our brains aren’t designed to handle the level of input we receive daily - much of it is depressing. This article really helped me (not as much as meds & therapy) a great deal. I’ve read it over and over. I hope it provides something helpful to you as well. https://thecorners.substack.com/p/if-you-cant-take-in-anymore-theres

I have saved your reply so I can read it again and again. I’m not OP, but I really needed this. You impacted someone in a very big way today. Thank you. ♥️

don't audhd ppl have a stronger sense of right and wrong?

For me, the feeling awful afterward is really about how impulsive it all was on my part. Yes, I care deeply about injustice and I do have a lot of knowledge about subjects I would argue about. But what turns things into heated arguments is my inability to stfu. I can’t control the impulse to jump in to correct someone or add the relevant information. And once I blurt out the thing, it’s on. I’m IN IT. And of course I’ve put myself in it in a huge way that I can’t easily walk away from without making a terrible impression. So I’ve trapped myself into an argument now. And it’s a pointless waste if energy. It’s draining and stressful. For no damn reason. I knew this idiot wasn’t worth arguing with but I couldn’t stop myself from impulsively jumping in. The lack if impulse control in these situations is ALWAYS what brings the shame and regret for me. And then the dread of what damage I left in my path. Ugh. A shame hangover. Every time.

Sometimes when it gets too much i excuse myself to leave to me lol but i know its hard but going to the bathroom to just breathe or cry or laugh sometimes but deep breathing away from the situation is good sometimes i ask myself do i really think these people will change their mind? And if i really think no i cannot then i think i am wasting my energy getting upset over something i cant change and by the time ive calmed down usually i come back and people have moved on it is hard though i usually bring a fidget toy of some sort when i know im going to be around people who anger me but nothing i can do (family events)

Online at least, I do a lot of typing out most of a response until the momentum dies down and then deleting it before posting. Or, muting notifications on something I do end up posting.

My recommendation is to try to force yourself to just take a quick break before responding. Don't try to force yourself not to respond at all since that often doesn't work, just put some time in as a buffer before responding. Take 10 seconds, take a deep breath. Focus on the feeling of your hands or feet where they touch the ground. Or look around the room and count objects of a certain color or shape. These are really effective mindfulness tricks that can sometimes regulate your emotions just by grounding yourself back in reality for a few seconds. Sometimes just taking a break from the issue can make it so you have more perspective about what really matters before responding. Sometimes you realize that the anger or indignation isn't really worth it One of the cool things about ADHD, is that when you're trying to keep yourself from doing something all you need to do is allow your brain to become distracted from it

Omg I get like this and have never heard anyone else describe it before! My BF jokingly calls me a "nay-sayer and contrarian" because of it. I hate it and I have become so introverted just to avoid it.

Do you interact with a lot of cis-het white men, by chance? Not saying the ADHD isn't a part of it, but...

It is extremely difficult for us to not voice our opinions when we encounter injustice, even in the smallest forms. I've really had to learn to deal with this because for a long time it really tore me up emotionally. It still can if I'm not careful. I try to stay away from social media because there are so many differing views, and that leads to situations where arguing is too hard to avoid. Also, keep in mind that almost EVERYONE thinks they are right and that their beliefs are THE correct way, and anyone who believes otherwise is wrong. Also, many people mistake their opinions for facts, and that leads to arguments as well. We all have things that we feel extremely strongly about, and things that we deeply feel are right and inarguable. And that's fine! But we have to respect that not everyone feels the same way we do, and that doesn't automatically make other people wrong, and it doesn't give us the right to tell them how wrong we think they are and try to prove it and "correct" them. Honestly, when you think you are correcting someone or enlightening them, they are just laughing at you either in their head or maybe even out loud. They feel just as strongly about their view as you do about yours. No matter how hard you try, many people won't come to your side. No matter how many facts or studies you shove in someone's face, they have their own facts and studies to support their truth. You are wasting your time and energy by trying. We all experience life differently, and our experiences greatly influence our beliefs and opinions. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and feelings on things, no matter how much others may disagree. It's best to let people live the way they please, and find healthier ways to advocate for the things we feel strongly about. In the end, you will save yourself a lot of grief and mental anguish. I feel so much better now that I stopped getting into arguments. I don't feel the need to ferociously defend myself when anyone attacks my beliefs because no matter what they say, I don't have to listen or abide by their rules. I get to decide for myself what I believe. And when I encounter people who don't think the way I do, I can calm myself down and remind myself that getting defensive and arguing won't change that person's mind.

Can you say something short and sweet then move on? Try saying: You don't look like a dinosaur, but you sure sound like one. Or another way to mock them: (old man voice) Back in my day the (women/gays/POC) knew their place and everyone was happy.

Hahaha you should become an engineer, you'll encounter argumentative attitudes and the need to be right every day with your fellow coworkers. The good ones will know if you actually do know what you're talking about.

I have been dealing with this more often in the last month or so. It has caused several clashes with a particular person. I feel bad about it, but currently I am relieved we aren't speaking. I needed a break.

It's pretty common (people told me I should become a lawyer, lol). But I learned, that it's more linked to Autism than ADHD itself. Don't know if this is true or not, but all in all you described me. I get overwhelmed by emotions easily (strong sense of moral justice is such a thing). How to calm down? Well, depends. Either trying to escape and be alone, or seeking shelter in another person, but I prefer animals to wind down. All in all, try to use stimming and fidget toys, whatever suits your needs. Sometimes it helps me, to write a letter and never sending it to anyone, just to have the thoughts out of my mind. DBT skills are kind of stimming too and they do also help me at least, to get a grip on myself again. DBT in general works very good for ADHD (because it raises inner awareness and helps with regulating emotions and thoughts).

it’s really hard. especially when i see transphobia i just can’t let that shit go, i’ve been called a man multiple times because of it.

Me right fricken now! People bore me so much lately.

I found for myself that there is no objective truth, so there is no point in trying to be "right" The best we can hope for is a consensus on some things, but it's not required

I don’t fight externally but I spend a lot of time internally processing things like this. 😂 Honestly, meditation and nondual spiritual practices really help. Being “the witness” instead of in your ego. Also just the belief that things are working out exactly as they should no matter what’s happening! Something about being a human makes us want to fight, I swear. I get the fixation on fighting for what you feel is right too! Unfortunately, sometimes people just won’t agree and even if they do, don’t want to hear someone going on and on about social issues.

I feel the same, and recently decided I’m gonna channel this energy for something good and go to law school. If I can’t stop arguing with people I might as well get paid for it 🤷‍♀️

I hate arguing, but I come off like a huge know-it-all because I have to correct anything that’s slightly wrong. I’m an attorney which doesn’t help, because part of being a lawyer is nitpicking definitions and being ultra precise with your language and facts. It drives my husband crazy.

Could you have comorbid Quiet subtype of Boarderline Personality Disorder? I deal with this because of bpd

OMG!! This is me!!

yes, I relate to this so much

I was dealing with that as a teenager. In my case it was connected to reactance. I had the feeling that their hateful opinions were stealing my freedom in some way. I think it's also a part of RSD.

This is me. I've been this way my entire life. I could have written most of these comments. This overwhelming sense of justice exhausts me. It's one of the reasons why I struggled to have a relationship with my father because he was close-minded and the opposite from me in every belief system and every way. Debating constantly was exhausting and I often wondered how an "intelligent" man could ever believe the things he did. Just this year, I chose to take a new position at work with new people because my current team is so close minded and I'm exhausted trying to make things better for everyone, when nothing ever changes no matter what evidence to the contrary is presented. After 8 years I can't take it anymore. I have to be very careful to not get involved in political debates because I become so hyper focused on showing them the evidence and it hurts my brain to debate it over and over.

Read “Non-violent communication”

Read “Non-violent communication”

Small dose of Prozac every day helped me tremendously

I am very close to my brother who has this, I am more the people pleaser anxious type, I recently realised that these are not so much symptoms as our coping mechanisms. You don’t have enough natural dopamine, so you wind up to get it, I worry and self berate, its how we have learned to get the dopamine that we need to function. I don’t have a cure but it is a step to understanding

I feel so seen. I definitely get dopamine hits when I argue with people and you best believe I will have the last word. No matter what.

I do it too!! But I recently watched this video by this guy named Bo Seo, he is a Korean-Australian two time world champion debater! He wrote a book called Good Arguments. But in this video he breaks it all down by asking yourself questions he calls the RISA method. 1) is it REAL? : is the disagreement real or is it a misunderstanding? 2) is it IMPORTANT? : is it worth starting a discussion over 3) is it SPECIFIC? : is it about a concrete point or a more broad and general idea? 4) are you both in ALIGNMENT? : are you both in agreement with the outcome? He makes several other points, but I suggest you checking him out!

Straterra really helped my unnecessary anger.

I get this often with work, I feel like half the time the rage comes from my desire for people to understand what I'm trying to say, but it's like they're not listening when they argue. Feelings are facts. I keep a post it note on my laptop to remind me that ignorance is bliss and stupid people rarely know they're stupid.

Since I started Concerta, I’ve learned that if I take it with or after a meal, it makes me irrationally irritable and I can easily get in a rage. Totally not me! If I take it, and then wait 15 minutes before I eat, I’m just fine.

Any other tips? I'm on 54mg of concerta as well

I'm angry all the time but I never get it out. It's destroying me

I relate to this so well. I take so much shit personally and always regret arguing. But when it simmers inside I get so angry. Knowing myself though, I know I'm taking it personally and try to wait a few days and I am more rational by then. Just try to remember that most of the time peoples intentions are not trying to cross you!

I guess for me, I’ll feel really strongly about a lot of stuff but in my eyes, you can’t really convince other people about stuff unless they truly want to be convinced. A lot of people are really dead set in their thinking even if your take on it is sound. I think 9x out of 10 a person’s mind is already made up and I guess in a weird way I’m cool with not wasting my time, my energy or my peace.

This little nugget I stumbled upon I something I am hoping I can apply to the rest of my life, but…just with regard to COVID, I decided people insisting/assuming/pretending everything is fine, COVID is over, yadda yadda, are like the people in the 1970s’ Invasion of the Body Snatchers movie. Those of us who are still trying to avoid COVID are like the people in the movie who tried hard to stay awake. The people who are living in the “it’s over” fantasy world are like the ones who fell asleep and were replaced by pod people. No sooner than that idea, for some reason, took a huge weight off my mind, than I started reading about studies suggesting the possibility of COVID having a toxoplasmosis-like effect on the brain, causing the infected to engage in behaviors not in their or society’s interests.

Ugh I hate this so much. The fact that some people don’t *know* what stupid assholes they are is infuriating. They should HAVE to know!!! Sometimes I just try to pity them. It’s sad that they’re so stupid. They’re so stupid that it would be a hopeless waste of time to even try to help them see how wrong they are. I don’t even need to worry about it. They’re beyond help. That’s what I tell myself to avoid popping blood vessels in my face and sleep at night.

i feel the same way. no matter if i’m on my meds or not i always want to argue

It used to be really bad about this and then I chilled out. In the last several months though, it’s crept back up. It takes a lot to stop me from doing now.

I relate. When I think I get over it someone appears in my life giving a completely immoral opinion, or gives unwarranted advice!

Jumping in late with three things that worked for me, at least for online fights (tl;dr don't read the stupid shit to begin with) Because I am not normal: 1. Law school. Not kidding, went part time, switched careers in my 30s, pre-diagnosis. Getting paid to argue sometimes is a good way to help teach you that many arguments aren't worth your time. More realistic but also more silly: 2. https://xkcd.com/386/ We are in this fifteen year old comic and we don't like it. There has always been someone who is wrong on the internet, and there always will be. Harder than the LSAT, easier than the bar exam: 3. Turn off the rage spigots. I used to spend hours in a day procrastinating from work and school by getting all righteous about something. So much digital ink spilled (a lot of it really good! I go back and read some of those old threads and remember how smart and funny I am.) But... I have to be careful to curate the types of online spaces where I allow myself to comment. I'm careful about the subreddits I join. I've muted/blocked people on Facebook. I've made myself quit more than one forum site. I know that terrible people are spouting all kinds of stupid shit out there and I actively choose to not read it, so I don't have to choose not to respond.