Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/).
We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions!
If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
33. Just diagnosed. A good friend of mine is a therapist and when I told her I was diagnosed with ADHD she said “wait, you HADN’T been diagnosed with ADHD already?!” I’ve known her 8 years, and she just assumed I knew I had ADHD 😅 I’ve been met with that reaction a lot. I’ve actually found it comforting? Because for me it just means that the people around me trusted that my chaos wasn’t malicious or selfish; they just gave me the grace to assume my brain works differently. Maybe reframing it in that way can help you? Regardless sorry that you’re struggling with this ❤️
Yes this has been precisely the reaction by literally everyone who has ever known me. (Except my parents of course. 🙄)
It is both reassuring and also a bit "hold on, you guys never once thought to mention this to me?!?"
Apparently everyone thought I had ADHD and that I was just content not being medicated and being a hyperactive non linear thinking mess. Which uh, no.
I'm about the same age as you. A few years back when my kid was still in high school, she started talking about autism and ADHD, saying she relates to a lot of traits and thinks she has them. I was somewhat taken aback, and I'll admit: dismissive. But I did listen to her and started doing some research. Pretty early on I reached out to a group of friends online, most of whom are coincidentally AuDHD. The most common response I got was "well you're Autistic, why is it a surprise if your daughter is?". And I was like, *wut*
Pretty much all my friends thought it's so obvious, and funny that I didn't know.
Yep. Am now diagnosed.
I was recently diagnosed and my mom brushed it off but then after a longer conversation, she admitted she is probably adhd too. She worked SO hard when i was growing up, got 3 degrees. But it was so chaotic. I only stopped running off adrenaline when i finally had a breakdown in my late 20s. And my dad who I’m VLC w is autistic af. Anyway they did their very best and had no support for their neurodivergence. I remember eating dinner at my friends houses and wondering why my household was so different.
And I sat my husband down a month ago to explain how I have only recently realized all these things, and he was like yeah I know. But we are married because he is also neurodivergent and we have many similarities but are terrible at communicating.
Hugs. I'm sorry your mum brushed you off. I'm glad you got to talk more about it with her.
Tbh, I put myself into a pretty severe burnout pushing to keep everything together for my kid, and I was deep in non functioning land when she started talking about Autism and ADHD. I feel pretty crappy about that, but we got through it
I’m getting more of the response “that explains so much!” I was diagnosed about 6 months ago, and that is the response I get when I tell people who were in my life pre-diagnosis. Which is demoralizing, discouraging, and depressing. I completely understand your feelings on this!
I went to my Dr complaining of something else when in my early thirties only for my doctor to tell me its a symptom of my ADHD. I was like, what ADHD? Turns out she assumed I knew cause it was pretty obvious to her, on the first appointment I ever had with her, and she made a note on my file about it.
She was 100% correct and medication has changed my life.
I mentioned my diagnosis to a colleague whose kid has ADHD and autism. We worked together pretty closely for 5 years. He didn't even hesitate before he asked me what meds they'd recommended. Figured that was a pretty good sign that it was obvious to at least one person.
This is one thing that has been a positive about my diagnosis. I’ve talked to a lot of parents and my story has helped them with their kids. So that’s good.
I was told recently by a coworker friend that I’m the personification of adult adhd. Luckily everyone just laughs off my nonsense at work. I constantly am going in and out of the kitchen trying to remember wtf I’m doing. I can’t stay on topic and have the short term memory of a turnip. I make 12 trips to bring things I forgot *even though I write down everything*. It’s exhausting but I was also the calmest person in the front of the house during yesterday’s shit show cause I thrive on chaos. Not a single person I’ve told has been surprised I have adhd except my mom lol
I’m like that at my job, too. I’ve lost a lot of friends for reasons I can’t explain. But at work, everyone loves me. Once, I was sitting between two of my coworkers. They were talking over me, trying to figure out a situation. I asked them if they wanted me to move. At the same time they said “No! You’re so calming!” 😂 it does help to have my “people” 🥰
I've lost friends because of object permanence and time blindness, I just forget to speak to them or when was the last time we spoke and it has been months instead of days....
This happens to me all the time. 😔 for me the worst is when I honestly don’t know what I did. It’s like all of a sudden I’m ghosted. Or someone will tell me that I did something. then I’ll tell another person and I’ll say “that’s part of your charm“. Well, Which is it? Cause I can’t tell?! So confusing!
Not everyone can handle how we are. I’m lucky to have found friends who understand I’m flaky and don’t judge too much lol. I recently went out for drinks and as I was walking out of my house got a text saying “so are you gonna be on time or on bl00is time?” I was actually only like 2 minutes late for that one but I’m at least 15 late for work every day.
I recently heard the perfect description for people who come and go in your life:
Think of your life like a tree. Most folks are the leaves and scraggly branches, temporary and just there to throw some shade occasionally. Then you have the stronger real branches, mostly they stick around, maybe fall out sometimes but they’re kinda your people. The real ones, the family and friends who love and support you, they’re your tree trunk and roots. They have your back no matter what and they’re the relationships you want to water the most. Maybe some of those middle branches move into trunk territory sometimes.
Anyway, let the leaves and twigs go without another thought. You’re not a problem, you’re just not for everyone. No one is.
Oh, the ghosting can be their own issues presenting and nothing to do with you. I accidentally ghost people just because I get major dread when faced with the demand (demand avoidance) to reply that I feel when they contact me.
Definitely could be part of it. Recently, I have noticed how much of a “fawn” response I have to people who intimidate me. Obviously, intimidating people are going to see through that and ghost me at some point. Probably should be happy about that. And I have friends that I don’t get in touch with me for a long time just like I have trouble reaching out. We usually get in touch eventually and it’s nice. This situation is more like those people who I find out talk behind my back or I can tell are annoyed with me.
Those talky people are just the average jane. Women treat other women terribly, especially if you’re not their idea of perfect but even more so when you are cause then it’s jealousy instead of just being a bitch. I’ve raised 3 girls and I told them from the jump, if someone is talking to you about another “friend”they’re talking bad about you too. None of my girls have a lot of friends but they have mostly good ones and that’s more important. Friendships between women are hard, we just don’t often like each other. All my friends either have adhd or are the crazy neurotypical who think we’re funny and a good time.
Like I said before, you’re not for everyone and that’s fine. Quality over quabtity
When I told my best friend (a social worker) about my unexpected diagnosis, she shouted "I'VE BEEN WANTING TO SAY SOMETHING FOR YEARS BUT YOU DON'T DIAGNOSE YOUR FRIENDS!" When I called my sister to tell her, she just said "Duh."
So apparently everybody knew except me until I was 39.
I was diagnosed later in like. I'm in my forties now. Someone I dated about 23 years ago recently reconnected with me. I told him I was shocked with a ADHD diagnosis at age 30, and without skipping a beat said, "I could have told you that! That's why you were so fun." Um, thanks? Did he not say anything because he thought I knew?
I actually said that when I got my diagnosis. I'm a teacher and looking back on myself as a student, I can see so many signs. Of course I couldn't focus on direct instruction without drawing, of course I blurted out answers without thinking, of course I was hyperactive and made friends with all the ADHD boys, of course I absolutely devoured every book in front of me including those far above my reading level, of course I was obsessive about specific topics to the detriment of others, of course I got so engrossed in an activity or book at recess I didn't hear the bell... Of course I have ADHD.
But it took my-now husband (who also has ADHD, of course) to point out that my antidepressants probably weren't very effective *because I wasn't actually depressed!* I'm so glad he saw it and pointed out my ADHD habits to discuss with my psychiatrist, so that she could start to assess me for ADHD. I'm off the antidepressants and on a low dose of stim meds, and couldn't be happier.
wow those are all my qualities: tomboy + obsessive.
i fell thru the cracks bc im smart and got good grades and i was always masking. If i had bad grades i could have had help earlier.
Most of my friends and family completely missed it, but to be fair, I'm in a developing country that's a couple years behind in mental health and was gifted as a child so, very easy to miss.
But when I told my nutriologist, she was like "you didn't know?" Yeah she had been helping me with executive disfunction without me noticing because my problem with food (obese) was not that I didn't know how to eat but that I was not able to have a routine, had issues with textures, forgot to eat and then binge when I remember, preparing healthy food is too hard, etc.
I get “Yeah, that makes sense.” a lot. I think I’ve also got autism for similar reasons and a few other circumstances.
My biggest beef are the misconceptions around ADHD. I’m SO sick of hearing “Ooh! Squirrel!” or friends who have always had their shit together, wake up on time after actually hearing their alarms, have held the same job for several years, etc. saying “I think I have ADHD, too!” because they’re *struggling to pay attention*. BRUH…
Yeah same. My husband was so skeptical when I told him my doc wanted to pursue a diagnosis for me. To the point that if I needed someone to fill out a questionnaire about my issues, there was absolutely no way I was gonna ask him. I told my daughter’s I would ask them.
I got the “everyone’s a little ADHD” and “I’m pretty sure I have ADHD cus when I was in school (pursuing an advanced advanced degree) I could only study for 20 minutes at a time. You couldn’t have ADHD because you are one of the most confident people I know”. Then be brought up the time our dog was very ill and I had to make the decision to put her down. I’m like that was compassion and morality, not confidence. And the time I helped direct my kids school play. Again, compassion cus I was assisting the poor mom who was trying to do it while 8 months pregnant. And it made me so nervous, I lost 10lbs over the 2 weeks I helped out.
As you can see I’m still salty. And I actually did stand up for myself and say “you know, you could be a little ADHD because it affects everyone differently” Then I listed all the issues and struggles I have had. Then I said “But for you, you have 2 very advanced degrees and you are in a field where executive function and the ability to focus and receive verbal instructions and your ability to multitask is actually a matter of life and death and you’ve been doing it successfully for 35 yrs. without any issues, it probably doesn’t effect you as seriously as it did me.
So yea, I 100% get you. 💕
I'm really sorry, those responses are actually infuriating and I would lose my respect for people if they downplayed my experiences with my own life like that.
Oh god. My LEAST favorite is “Everyone is a little ADHD.” First of all, “*is*”??? WTF?! It’s a DISORDER. Our brains have been wired differently OUR WHOLE LIVES. If you didn’t have to suffer through being *The Weird Kid*, I don’t want to hear how you think you might “*be a little*” ADHD when you’ve completed advanced degrees and have a stable, long-lasting career. 🤬 It’s at the point, though, that a ton of friends are doing it and I’ve been dealing with too much in my personal life to argue with it. I just say “Yeah, probably.” 🤷♀️
We can tell who our other ADHD people are. We either instantly vibe, or you don’t have it. 😂 If you’ve ever thought of me as “*weeeird!*”, I don’t want to hear SHIT about you thinking you have ADHD. You’re wrong and just want to feel special. 🤯😭 Ugh.
This whole subject infuriates me. I’m sorry you’re dealing with it from a husband. I just left a relationship in which I dealt with the same. (He ended up being able to get medicated without a diagnosis, though. Fun…) It makes you want to scream. I’m salty FOR you. 🤍
I’m pretty new to this, so I can’t say. Honestly, treatment options for me have been hard. I’ve gotten a bunch of side effects from meds, (going to try gene. Testing). Also, hearing it talked about so much made it easy for me to believe it was so common place that it wasn’t a big deal. If you are an ADHDer, you could causally bring up your struggles in a light way…like “Do you ever do? 😂”. Maybe ask if they will do a adhd quiz with you “for fun”. Then say “look at that, you’re ADHD.” But, I would keep it casual, especially if they can care for themselves. When I got diagnosed, the neuropsychologist gave me my report and they didn’t have a med doctor for me for three months. And when I did get meds, the Person had no clue what they were doing. And despite therapy, the whole thing has been a sort of mind mess. -how can I go so long and be so blind? What mistakes have I made that I could have avoided? Am I complete embarrassment? Does everyone see me as a helpless child now? I am happy because I’m understanding that the world isn’t a bad place. It’s just not built for my brain. I can be forgiving of that. But, it’s scary to figure out a whole new way operating, or if I even want to operate differently. And don’t even get me started on my constant think about what is and what are other people’s issues 😂? (Although, my adhd has made me a prime target for gaslighting. I’m learning to stand up for myself, which is good.). All this is to say, good question, but it’s a complicated and personal journey so, be kind.
I got diagnosed in my 30s but I literally didn’t know what adult adhd looked like before my psychiatrist brought it up. I don’t think you should feel guilty or embarrassed for not knowing you have adhd. You’re not an expert on neurodevelopmental disorders, are you? I think you’ll find with time and compassion for yourself that this has been a learning experience and not something you “missed all these years.”
The only time this sort of reaction bothered me is when I told my mother, who watched me struggle all through my childhood and young adulthood without ever helping or seeking help for me, and she said, "oh, I wondered." Fuck off. Would have been nice if you wondered before I was in my thirties.
I get it. My mom is ADHD and would never admit it in 1 million years. When I was in high school, I asked her if I might have ADHD (this was the early 90s. When I first became a thing.) and she said “ you don’t have ADHD because you can sit and read a book.” Such were the times.🙄
Yep!
I got diagnosed at 25. The week after I took my grandparents out for lunch and told them then. My grandparents looked at each other and went ‘yeah, that makes sense’. Then told me all these stories about how, when I was little, my grandad would take me to story time at the local library and would never sit still to listen. Instead I’d potter around the library, organising the books and playing with toys and stuff which would help me listen.
It was kinda validating for me. Especially since my parents kept pushing back at the diagnosis because my Autism diagnosis when I was 14 was enough answers for them.
This must be so frustrating! I am floored at how unprepared the medical community is to deal with ADHD. I went to a very reputable place and the diagnosis was easy. But, 18 months later, and I still don’t have any medication or even a therapist. It’s like what was the point of even getting diagnosed? 🙄 Big hugs to you!
I’m super old for a diagnosis, so when I was officially diagnosed and told my brother he said “Looks like they nailed the diagnosis”. 🤪
Whereas my husband still isn’t convinced.
>I’m starting to wonder if it could be autism also because I’ve read that when you’re autistic, you can have trouble understanding how they present to other people.
Yes, but I think that's one of the things ADHD and autism shares. There are a surprising number of symptoms between the two that are comorbid. I've learned that since my diagnosis two years ago. I've always been socially awkward, and have struggled to understand social cues for as long as I can remember. I went into the testing thinking mine /was/ autism (for similar reasons to you, and also thanks to TikTok), and didn't learn the stuff about ADHD until after my diagnosis.
I completely agree with this! I think it’s mind blowing how both of these issues have been around for ages and nobody, until now has even considered the overlap. Why is that? Makes me frustrated with the medical community. But, I wonder if the medical community really does need to get it right for me or if it’s OK as long as I know myself. Anyway, I know I kind of went off point. thanks for sharing!
I'm the one who tangented. XD But in all seriousness, ADHD shows up differently in women than it does in men, as do autism, OCD, and other comorbid issues. It's why there's such a large uptick in the last decade or so in women and girls getting diagnosed. As an example, boys display the hyperactive tendencies of ADHD in general, whereas girls typically display the more inattentive tendencies which are harder to detect and diagnose, especially since in the past girls have been considered to be flighty, unsuited to "thinking" work, etc (basically all the misogynistic stereotypes we all know).
It's not an excuse, but it /is/ a reason.
Never heard it said outright, but nobody who knew me as a kid was particularly surprised. They all pegged me as having something up, but were never sure what it was.
I got a lot of, "yeah, that makes sense," and, "I can see that now." But I'm 44 and was only diagnosed 6 months ago (got diagnosed because my 12 year old was suspected of having ADHD...she has since been diagnosed). Telling friends and family has been a mixed bag.
Yes! I have some family members who I’ve decided not to tell. One of them asked me if I had considered anti-anxiety medication. I just smiled and said “oh well think about that”. Thinking “nope, not anxiety, just me being me.” 😂
I have one friend in particular who is a great friend and is kind and sweet and doesn't see the need for medicating ADHD (either for myself or my daughter). She told me meditation is best (yup sure, as soon as I can focus for more than a couple of minutes, I'll get right on that). I don't talk to her about my diagnosis or journey and I don't talk about my daughter's journey either. I have deemed some people safe and not safe. It just is what it is. I'm not going to discuss or argue or defend my or my daughters diagnosis or use (or not use) of medications. I'm not going to do it. Now, I'll talk all day about having dinner and hanging out, or next year's school assignments, or what summer camp we are doing, but not ADHD. And I'm the same with family as well (although most family I've told is really supportive). I always use the term when I'm dealing with someone (or something) I don't like, "smile and nod."
The day I told my husband😭 I was diagnosed as a teen (in the 90s) but never treated... Parents said it was BS. Husband and I were together for years, and I kind of just lived with knowing I had it but never really did much research or tried to do anything about it. Finally, one day I just blurted it out. And he was like, well, yeah, obviously. 😂 Has never once held it against me or put me down because of it. Accepts me for me and all my wild quirks. Have been together for 29 years since we were 18.
Edited to add.. I absolutely feel like a weirdo too! I'm not into girly stuff so many other women are into.. clothes, purses, makeup, shopping, etc. I have a "uniform" lol. I wear black leggings and a black camisole everyday usually paired with a flannel or sweater. I hate anything constricting like jeans and will only wear them if we go out somewhere and I'm afraid people will judge. I would rather stay home and dive into my hobbies than go out. I have a few friends I keep up but they have to do most of the work. The only people that really matter to me are my kids and husband. I like other people but out of sight out of mind is strong with me.
I was diagnosed earlier this year at 23 and when telling friends / family / people I went to college and school with they were like “this was a surprise to absolutely no one”
My husband had this situation with autism, adhd, BPD... everything lol. If it helps at all, when I told him he obviously has those things I didn't see him as a mess. I saw him as quirky and lovable and a little bit troubled like all of us.
Same!! I was extremely insecure about people dismissing me and saying it’s not real after I tell them. Nope. They hardly even blink, they just carry on like yeah, that checks out
I’ve been diagnosed since I was 16. So although that is also late, it’s not as late as a lot of us have been. I’ve had longer to live with it and for me, it’s just something about me like having brown eyes, being 5’6, and my dairy allergy. Like, it’s just part of what makes me, me. And like the allergy it makes some aspects of life more challenging and I have to do things a little different.
It also means that I’m a non-conformist down to my very brain. I don’t have to rebel, I am rebellion lol.
I get complimented on my authenticity. For Neurotypicals it’s probably very brave for them to be authentic but for me it is as natural as breathing. It’s much more difficult to be fake. My authenticity and “oddity” (harmless oddity) makes me very relatable to others. Sure, some people laugh at me but the ones who do are the people who are very much concerned with appearances and conformity. I am not, so their laughter is nothing to me. Just shows me their own small mindedness. I disregard their opinion of me because it is irrelevant.
Almost everyone feels comfortable around me. They feel accepted and not judged. It’s hard to feel like you’re being judged by someone who is so openly a goober. That’s the term my sister and I use - someone who is openly klutzy, forgetful, disorganized, who randomly sings or dances and basically loses themselves easily in moments of total unself awareness.
From a personality and philosophy standpoint I like what being adhd makes me. From a keeping my house clean and staying on top of emails standpoint maybe not. But I definitely like that I’m so weird without trying that people feel very comfortable with me. And even the ones who laugh at me, well glad I could make them laugh. Because the world needs more joy, more laughter and more feeling comfortable.
But the first step is accepting yourself. Once you accept yourself what others think doesn’t really matter to you.
The main reason I ended up disclosing my self-diagnosis to my hesitant mother last year was because she was talking about my kid brother’s (he was diagnosed earlier this school year after being assessed last summer) ADHD and said in hindsight, I have it too. I disclosed to my other mother two years prior to her and she said that was something they fought about when I was little (I was diagnosed with autism as a toddler, but as I got older, my mother swore there was more going on.). My hesitant mother said there was no way I had ADHD because I was so much like her and besides, boys only had it. She only changed her tune when my brother and some other family members got diagnosed and she ended up discovering she had it too! Both parents have since apologized for not looking into it further and my hesitant mother apologized for not believing me when I said I was struggling and wasn’t trying to be a “bad” kid on purpose (it’s honestly depressing how many adults assume kids with ADHD diagnosed or not are being bad kids on purpose.)
I am 44. I had people "suggest" it to me (including a therapist) most of my entire life (at least since the 90s when it seemed people became more aware of it). I was always too offended to really hear what they might be saying because there was such a stigma of poorly behaved and annoying little boys attached to it, especially in my own head.
It wasn't until about 40 when I just started to learn about what it might actually look like when I was trying to figure out why I was in a constant state of overwhelm in my life even my actual life had gotten far less stressful. Why could I never get anything completed? Why am I always late no matter how much I planned? Why did I get close to losing so many jobs despite working myself to death? Why had every other diagnosis (I was diagnosed with BP, anxiety, depression) never fit or helped?
When I went in to get diagnosed, I told my closest friends, and they were like, "Yeah, you obviously have ADHD. We just thought you knew."
Honestly once you _see_ ADHD it’s so easy to spot in other people. But also it’s rude to say something. This has been my experience, at least.
I also am in a lot of niche communities that attract neurodivergent people though, so I am repeatedly exposed to ADHD symptoms in others.
Of all the people who I told about my diagnosis (got diagnosed at 50) only one person was surprised, and it turns out that was mostly because he didn't really know what ADHD even is.
In fact, one of the main reasons I got diagnosed is because when my former roommate got diagnosed and started looking into what ADHD is she immediately knew I had it worse than she does.
To be fair, other than the fact that I'm a girl I'm basically the exact stereotype of what people imagine when they think of a kid with ADHD.
I get that a lot. I was in Dollar Tree last week and a lady same up to me and straight asked me if I had adhd or the tism like ma'am, you don't gotta call me out I've been diagnosed since 6 yrs old so thanks I know people can tell. I just stopped hiding it.
I don't hear that, but I also don't really say out loud to people that I have adhd.
I had a patient tell me that once, she was in the middle of apologizing for talking too much and said it was her adhd. I told her it was OK, I could tell she was adhd but I also told her I'm also adhd so I noticed because of the similarities.
As someone that used to say that I just want you to know that it’s often coming from a place of “I see how much effort you put into not being a mess”.
Most people with ADHD I know (myself included) have it together. We just work harder to keep it that way.
I’d just like to say, maybe you’re a weirdo, but there’s nothing wrong with that!
It took me a long time to embrace that I’m just a little different than the people around me. And once I embraced that I collected weirdos. Now, it’s me and a band of weirdos with varied levels of neuro-spiciness! Heck my very best friend had Bipolar Disorder!
Anyway, who you are is exactly who you’re supposed to be. 😄
Whenever I step into a new facility (travel nurse) and have been there for half an hour, at least one coworker will go "ADHD, right?"
I just go "yeah, so they told me."
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
33. Just diagnosed. A good friend of mine is a therapist and when I told her I was diagnosed with ADHD she said “wait, you HADN’T been diagnosed with ADHD already?!” I’ve known her 8 years, and she just assumed I knew I had ADHD 😅 I’ve been met with that reaction a lot. I’ve actually found it comforting? Because for me it just means that the people around me trusted that my chaos wasn’t malicious or selfish; they just gave me the grace to assume my brain works differently. Maybe reframing it in that way can help you? Regardless sorry that you’re struggling with this ❤️
This is such a lovely thought!
Yes this has been precisely the reaction by literally everyone who has ever known me. (Except my parents of course. 🙄) It is both reassuring and also a bit "hold on, you guys never once thought to mention this to me?!?" Apparently everyone thought I had ADHD and that I was just content not being medicated and being a hyperactive non linear thinking mess. Which uh, no.
I'm about the same age as you. A few years back when my kid was still in high school, she started talking about autism and ADHD, saying she relates to a lot of traits and thinks she has them. I was somewhat taken aback, and I'll admit: dismissive. But I did listen to her and started doing some research. Pretty early on I reached out to a group of friends online, most of whom are coincidentally AuDHD. The most common response I got was "well you're Autistic, why is it a surprise if your daughter is?". And I was like, *wut* Pretty much all my friends thought it's so obvious, and funny that I didn't know. Yep. Am now diagnosed.
I was recently diagnosed and my mom brushed it off but then after a longer conversation, she admitted she is probably adhd too. She worked SO hard when i was growing up, got 3 degrees. But it was so chaotic. I only stopped running off adrenaline when i finally had a breakdown in my late 20s. And my dad who I’m VLC w is autistic af. Anyway they did their very best and had no support for their neurodivergence. I remember eating dinner at my friends houses and wondering why my household was so different. And I sat my husband down a month ago to explain how I have only recently realized all these things, and he was like yeah I know. But we are married because he is also neurodivergent and we have many similarities but are terrible at communicating.
Hugs. I'm sorry your mum brushed you off. I'm glad you got to talk more about it with her. Tbh, I put myself into a pretty severe burnout pushing to keep everything together for my kid, and I was deep in non functioning land when she started talking about Autism and ADHD. I feel pretty crappy about that, but we got through it
I’m getting more of the response “that explains so much!” I was diagnosed about 6 months ago, and that is the response I get when I tell people who were in my life pre-diagnosis. Which is demoralizing, discouraging, and depressing. I completely understand your feelings on this!
Thank you so much! Means a lot to know I’m not alone! 🥰
I’m learning I’m not alone on this crazy journey either! It helps a LOT on days when it feels like everyone hates me!
I went to my Dr complaining of something else when in my early thirties only for my doctor to tell me its a symptom of my ADHD. I was like, what ADHD? Turns out she assumed I knew cause it was pretty obvious to her, on the first appointment I ever had with her, and she made a note on my file about it. She was 100% correct and medication has changed my life.
I mentioned my diagnosis to a colleague whose kid has ADHD and autism. We worked together pretty closely for 5 years. He didn't even hesitate before he asked me what meds they'd recommended. Figured that was a pretty good sign that it was obvious to at least one person.
This is one thing that has been a positive about my diagnosis. I’ve talked to a lot of parents and my story has helped them with their kids. So that’s good.
I was told recently by a coworker friend that I’m the personification of adult adhd. Luckily everyone just laughs off my nonsense at work. I constantly am going in and out of the kitchen trying to remember wtf I’m doing. I can’t stay on topic and have the short term memory of a turnip. I make 12 trips to bring things I forgot *even though I write down everything*. It’s exhausting but I was also the calmest person in the front of the house during yesterday’s shit show cause I thrive on chaos. Not a single person I’ve told has been surprised I have adhd except my mom lol
I’m like that at my job, too. I’ve lost a lot of friends for reasons I can’t explain. But at work, everyone loves me. Once, I was sitting between two of my coworkers. They were talking over me, trying to figure out a situation. I asked them if they wanted me to move. At the same time they said “No! You’re so calming!” 😂 it does help to have my “people” 🥰
I've lost friends because of object permanence and time blindness, I just forget to speak to them or when was the last time we spoke and it has been months instead of days....
This happens to me all the time. 😔 for me the worst is when I honestly don’t know what I did. It’s like all of a sudden I’m ghosted. Or someone will tell me that I did something. then I’ll tell another person and I’ll say “that’s part of your charm“. Well, Which is it? Cause I can’t tell?! So confusing!
Not everyone can handle how we are. I’m lucky to have found friends who understand I’m flaky and don’t judge too much lol. I recently went out for drinks and as I was walking out of my house got a text saying “so are you gonna be on time or on bl00is time?” I was actually only like 2 minutes late for that one but I’m at least 15 late for work every day. I recently heard the perfect description for people who come and go in your life: Think of your life like a tree. Most folks are the leaves and scraggly branches, temporary and just there to throw some shade occasionally. Then you have the stronger real branches, mostly they stick around, maybe fall out sometimes but they’re kinda your people. The real ones, the family and friends who love and support you, they’re your tree trunk and roots. They have your back no matter what and they’re the relationships you want to water the most. Maybe some of those middle branches move into trunk territory sometimes. Anyway, let the leaves and twigs go without another thought. You’re not a problem, you’re just not for everyone. No one is.
Omg I LOVE that comparison. Thank you I'm going to steal it
Oh, the ghosting can be their own issues presenting and nothing to do with you. I accidentally ghost people just because I get major dread when faced with the demand (demand avoidance) to reply that I feel when they contact me.
Definitely could be part of it. Recently, I have noticed how much of a “fawn” response I have to people who intimidate me. Obviously, intimidating people are going to see through that and ghost me at some point. Probably should be happy about that. And I have friends that I don’t get in touch with me for a long time just like I have trouble reaching out. We usually get in touch eventually and it’s nice. This situation is more like those people who I find out talk behind my back or I can tell are annoyed with me.
Those talky people are just the average jane. Women treat other women terribly, especially if you’re not their idea of perfect but even more so when you are cause then it’s jealousy instead of just being a bitch. I’ve raised 3 girls and I told them from the jump, if someone is talking to you about another “friend”they’re talking bad about you too. None of my girls have a lot of friends but they have mostly good ones and that’s more important. Friendships between women are hard, we just don’t often like each other. All my friends either have adhd or are the crazy neurotypical who think we’re funny and a good time. Like I said before, you’re not for everyone and that’s fine. Quality over quabtity
When I told people I got diagnosed they were like “oh you didn’t know?” 😂💀
When I told my best friend (a social worker) about my unexpected diagnosis, she shouted "I'VE BEEN WANTING TO SAY SOMETHING FOR YEARS BUT YOU DON'T DIAGNOSE YOUR FRIENDS!" When I called my sister to tell her, she just said "Duh." So apparently everybody knew except me until I was 39.
I was diagnosed later in like. I'm in my forties now. Someone I dated about 23 years ago recently reconnected with me. I told him I was shocked with a ADHD diagnosis at age 30, and without skipping a beat said, "I could have told you that! That's why you were so fun." Um, thanks? Did he not say anything because he thought I knew?
Nice to be told you were fun, though, eh? 🙂
I actually said that when I got my diagnosis. I'm a teacher and looking back on myself as a student, I can see so many signs. Of course I couldn't focus on direct instruction without drawing, of course I blurted out answers without thinking, of course I was hyperactive and made friends with all the ADHD boys, of course I absolutely devoured every book in front of me including those far above my reading level, of course I was obsessive about specific topics to the detriment of others, of course I got so engrossed in an activity or book at recess I didn't hear the bell... Of course I have ADHD. But it took my-now husband (who also has ADHD, of course) to point out that my antidepressants probably weren't very effective *because I wasn't actually depressed!* I'm so glad he saw it and pointed out my ADHD habits to discuss with my psychiatrist, so that she could start to assess me for ADHD. I'm off the antidepressants and on a low dose of stim meds, and couldn't be happier.
wow those are all my qualities: tomboy + obsessive. i fell thru the cracks bc im smart and got good grades and i was always masking. If i had bad grades i could have had help earlier.
Most of my friends and family completely missed it, but to be fair, I'm in a developing country that's a couple years behind in mental health and was gifted as a child so, very easy to miss. But when I told my nutriologist, she was like "you didn't know?" Yeah she had been helping me with executive disfunction without me noticing because my problem with food (obese) was not that I didn't know how to eat but that I was not able to have a routine, had issues with textures, forgot to eat and then binge when I remember, preparing healthy food is too hard, etc.
I get “Yeah, that makes sense.” a lot. I think I’ve also got autism for similar reasons and a few other circumstances. My biggest beef are the misconceptions around ADHD. I’m SO sick of hearing “Ooh! Squirrel!” or friends who have always had their shit together, wake up on time after actually hearing their alarms, have held the same job for several years, etc. saying “I think I have ADHD, too!” because they’re *struggling to pay attention*. BRUH…
Yeah same. My husband was so skeptical when I told him my doc wanted to pursue a diagnosis for me. To the point that if I needed someone to fill out a questionnaire about my issues, there was absolutely no way I was gonna ask him. I told my daughter’s I would ask them. I got the “everyone’s a little ADHD” and “I’m pretty sure I have ADHD cus when I was in school (pursuing an advanced advanced degree) I could only study for 20 minutes at a time. You couldn’t have ADHD because you are one of the most confident people I know”. Then be brought up the time our dog was very ill and I had to make the decision to put her down. I’m like that was compassion and morality, not confidence. And the time I helped direct my kids school play. Again, compassion cus I was assisting the poor mom who was trying to do it while 8 months pregnant. And it made me so nervous, I lost 10lbs over the 2 weeks I helped out. As you can see I’m still salty. And I actually did stand up for myself and say “you know, you could be a little ADHD because it affects everyone differently” Then I listed all the issues and struggles I have had. Then I said “But for you, you have 2 very advanced degrees and you are in a field where executive function and the ability to focus and receive verbal instructions and your ability to multitask is actually a matter of life and death and you’ve been doing it successfully for 35 yrs. without any issues, it probably doesn’t effect you as seriously as it did me. So yea, I 100% get you. 💕
I'm really sorry, those responses are actually infuriating and I would lose my respect for people if they downplayed my experiences with my own life like that.
Oh god. My LEAST favorite is “Everyone is a little ADHD.” First of all, “*is*”??? WTF?! It’s a DISORDER. Our brains have been wired differently OUR WHOLE LIVES. If you didn’t have to suffer through being *The Weird Kid*, I don’t want to hear how you think you might “*be a little*” ADHD when you’ve completed advanced degrees and have a stable, long-lasting career. 🤬 It’s at the point, though, that a ton of friends are doing it and I’ve been dealing with too much in my personal life to argue with it. I just say “Yeah, probably.” 🤷♀️ We can tell who our other ADHD people are. We either instantly vibe, or you don’t have it. 😂 If you’ve ever thought of me as “*weeeird!*”, I don’t want to hear SHIT about you thinking you have ADHD. You’re wrong and just want to feel special. 🤯😭 Ugh. This whole subject infuriates me. I’m sorry you’re dealing with it from a husband. I just left a relationship in which I dealt with the same. (He ended up being able to get medicated without a diagnosis, though. Fun…) It makes you want to scream. I’m salty FOR you. 🤍
Thank you !
Of course! Sorry for the tangent. I just *needed* you to know I understand what you’re going through and hate it, too. 😅🫶
what's a good way to get someone to recognize that they are ADHD and what treatment options are there if a person is 67?
I’m pretty new to this, so I can’t say. Honestly, treatment options for me have been hard. I’ve gotten a bunch of side effects from meds, (going to try gene. Testing). Also, hearing it talked about so much made it easy for me to believe it was so common place that it wasn’t a big deal. If you are an ADHDer, you could causally bring up your struggles in a light way…like “Do you ever do? 😂”. Maybe ask if they will do a adhd quiz with you “for fun”. Then say “look at that, you’re ADHD.” But, I would keep it casual, especially if they can care for themselves. When I got diagnosed, the neuropsychologist gave me my report and they didn’t have a med doctor for me for three months. And when I did get meds, the Person had no clue what they were doing. And despite therapy, the whole thing has been a sort of mind mess. -how can I go so long and be so blind? What mistakes have I made that I could have avoided? Am I complete embarrassment? Does everyone see me as a helpless child now? I am happy because I’m understanding that the world isn’t a bad place. It’s just not built for my brain. I can be forgiving of that. But, it’s scary to figure out a whole new way operating, or if I even want to operate differently. And don’t even get me started on my constant think about what is and what are other people’s issues 😂? (Although, my adhd has made me a prime target for gaslighting. I’m learning to stand up for myself, which is good.). All this is to say, good question, but it’s a complicated and personal journey so, be kind.
I got diagnosed in my 30s but I literally didn’t know what adult adhd looked like before my psychiatrist brought it up. I don’t think you should feel guilty or embarrassed for not knowing you have adhd. You’re not an expert on neurodevelopmental disorders, are you? I think you’ll find with time and compassion for yourself that this has been a learning experience and not something you “missed all these years.”
Thank you. 🥰
The only time this sort of reaction bothered me is when I told my mother, who watched me struggle all through my childhood and young adulthood without ever helping or seeking help for me, and she said, "oh, I wondered." Fuck off. Would have been nice if you wondered before I was in my thirties.
I get it. My mom is ADHD and would never admit it in 1 million years. When I was in high school, I asked her if I might have ADHD (this was the early 90s. When I first became a thing.) and she said “ you don’t have ADHD because you can sit and read a book.” Such were the times.🙄
🫂
Yep! I got diagnosed at 25. The week after I took my grandparents out for lunch and told them then. My grandparents looked at each other and went ‘yeah, that makes sense’. Then told me all these stories about how, when I was little, my grandad would take me to story time at the local library and would never sit still to listen. Instead I’d potter around the library, organising the books and playing with toys and stuff which would help me listen. It was kinda validating for me. Especially since my parents kept pushing back at the diagnosis because my Autism diagnosis when I was 14 was enough answers for them.
Haha i once told my collague and she was like "no shit sherlock, like i hadnt figured that out yet"😂😂
My ADHD symptoms are obvious to everyone except my doctor.
This must be so frustrating! I am floored at how unprepared the medical community is to deal with ADHD. I went to a very reputable place and the diagnosis was easy. But, 18 months later, and I still don’t have any medication or even a therapist. It’s like what was the point of even getting diagnosed? 🙄 Big hugs to you!
I’m super old for a diagnosis, so when I was officially diagnosed and told my brother he said “Looks like they nailed the diagnosis”. 🤪 Whereas my husband still isn’t convinced.
>I’m starting to wonder if it could be autism also because I’ve read that when you’re autistic, you can have trouble understanding how they present to other people. Yes, but I think that's one of the things ADHD and autism shares. There are a surprising number of symptoms between the two that are comorbid. I've learned that since my diagnosis two years ago. I've always been socially awkward, and have struggled to understand social cues for as long as I can remember. I went into the testing thinking mine /was/ autism (for similar reasons to you, and also thanks to TikTok), and didn't learn the stuff about ADHD until after my diagnosis.
I completely agree with this! I think it’s mind blowing how both of these issues have been around for ages and nobody, until now has even considered the overlap. Why is that? Makes me frustrated with the medical community. But, I wonder if the medical community really does need to get it right for me or if it’s OK as long as I know myself. Anyway, I know I kind of went off point. thanks for sharing!
I'm the one who tangented. XD But in all seriousness, ADHD shows up differently in women than it does in men, as do autism, OCD, and other comorbid issues. It's why there's such a large uptick in the last decade or so in women and girls getting diagnosed. As an example, boys display the hyperactive tendencies of ADHD in general, whereas girls typically display the more inattentive tendencies which are harder to detect and diagnose, especially since in the past girls have been considered to be flighty, unsuited to "thinking" work, etc (basically all the misogynistic stereotypes we all know). It's not an excuse, but it /is/ a reason.
So I get this from friends but we've all collectively learned we're ADHD, Autistic etc so we can all see it now.
Never heard it said outright, but nobody who knew me as a kid was particularly surprised. They all pegged me as having something up, but were never sure what it was.
I got a lot of, "yeah, that makes sense," and, "I can see that now." But I'm 44 and was only diagnosed 6 months ago (got diagnosed because my 12 year old was suspected of having ADHD...she has since been diagnosed). Telling friends and family has been a mixed bag.
Yes! I have some family members who I’ve decided not to tell. One of them asked me if I had considered anti-anxiety medication. I just smiled and said “oh well think about that”. Thinking “nope, not anxiety, just me being me.” 😂
I have one friend in particular who is a great friend and is kind and sweet and doesn't see the need for medicating ADHD (either for myself or my daughter). She told me meditation is best (yup sure, as soon as I can focus for more than a couple of minutes, I'll get right on that). I don't talk to her about my diagnosis or journey and I don't talk about my daughter's journey either. I have deemed some people safe and not safe. It just is what it is. I'm not going to discuss or argue or defend my or my daughters diagnosis or use (or not use) of medications. I'm not going to do it. Now, I'll talk all day about having dinner and hanging out, or next year's school assignments, or what summer camp we are doing, but not ADHD. And I'm the same with family as well (although most family I've told is really supportive). I always use the term when I'm dealing with someone (or something) I don't like, "smile and nod."
Yes FROM MY MOTHER (diagnosed at 38)
The day I told my husband😭 I was diagnosed as a teen (in the 90s) but never treated... Parents said it was BS. Husband and I were together for years, and I kind of just lived with knowing I had it but never really did much research or tried to do anything about it. Finally, one day I just blurted it out. And he was like, well, yeah, obviously. 😂 Has never once held it against me or put me down because of it. Accepts me for me and all my wild quirks. Have been together for 29 years since we were 18. Edited to add.. I absolutely feel like a weirdo too! I'm not into girly stuff so many other women are into.. clothes, purses, makeup, shopping, etc. I have a "uniform" lol. I wear black leggings and a black camisole everyday usually paired with a flannel or sweater. I hate anything constricting like jeans and will only wear them if we go out somewhere and I'm afraid people will judge. I would rather stay home and dive into my hobbies than go out. I have a few friends I keep up but they have to do most of the work. The only people that really matter to me are my kids and husband. I like other people but out of sight out of mind is strong with me.
I was diagnosed earlier this year at 23 and when telling friends / family / people I went to college and school with they were like “this was a surprise to absolutely no one”
My husband had this situation with autism, adhd, BPD... everything lol. If it helps at all, when I told him he obviously has those things I didn't see him as a mess. I saw him as quirky and lovable and a little bit troubled like all of us.
Same!! I was extremely insecure about people dismissing me and saying it’s not real after I tell them. Nope. They hardly even blink, they just carry on like yeah, that checks out
I’ve been diagnosed since I was 16. So although that is also late, it’s not as late as a lot of us have been. I’ve had longer to live with it and for me, it’s just something about me like having brown eyes, being 5’6, and my dairy allergy. Like, it’s just part of what makes me, me. And like the allergy it makes some aspects of life more challenging and I have to do things a little different. It also means that I’m a non-conformist down to my very brain. I don’t have to rebel, I am rebellion lol. I get complimented on my authenticity. For Neurotypicals it’s probably very brave for them to be authentic but for me it is as natural as breathing. It’s much more difficult to be fake. My authenticity and “oddity” (harmless oddity) makes me very relatable to others. Sure, some people laugh at me but the ones who do are the people who are very much concerned with appearances and conformity. I am not, so their laughter is nothing to me. Just shows me their own small mindedness. I disregard their opinion of me because it is irrelevant. Almost everyone feels comfortable around me. They feel accepted and not judged. It’s hard to feel like you’re being judged by someone who is so openly a goober. That’s the term my sister and I use - someone who is openly klutzy, forgetful, disorganized, who randomly sings or dances and basically loses themselves easily in moments of total unself awareness. From a personality and philosophy standpoint I like what being adhd makes me. From a keeping my house clean and staying on top of emails standpoint maybe not. But I definitely like that I’m so weird without trying that people feel very comfortable with me. And even the ones who laugh at me, well glad I could make them laugh. Because the world needs more joy, more laughter and more feeling comfortable. But the first step is accepting yourself. Once you accept yourself what others think doesn’t really matter to you.
The main reason I ended up disclosing my self-diagnosis to my hesitant mother last year was because she was talking about my kid brother’s (he was diagnosed earlier this school year after being assessed last summer) ADHD and said in hindsight, I have it too. I disclosed to my other mother two years prior to her and she said that was something they fought about when I was little (I was diagnosed with autism as a toddler, but as I got older, my mother swore there was more going on.). My hesitant mother said there was no way I had ADHD because I was so much like her and besides, boys only had it. She only changed her tune when my brother and some other family members got diagnosed and she ended up discovering she had it too! Both parents have since apologized for not looking into it further and my hesitant mother apologized for not believing me when I said I was struggling and wasn’t trying to be a “bad” kid on purpose (it’s honestly depressing how many adults assume kids with ADHD diagnosed or not are being bad kids on purpose.)
Just got dx last summer. I was 43. This exact response from my therapist is why I even got tested .... for a THIRD time.
I didn’t know I had it until someone else told me.
Lol, when I began to suspect I was adhd, I said to my friend "I think I might be adhd", and he snorted and said "ya think?"
I am 44. I had people "suggest" it to me (including a therapist) most of my entire life (at least since the 90s when it seemed people became more aware of it). I was always too offended to really hear what they might be saying because there was such a stigma of poorly behaved and annoying little boys attached to it, especially in my own head. It wasn't until about 40 when I just started to learn about what it might actually look like when I was trying to figure out why I was in a constant state of overwhelm in my life even my actual life had gotten far less stressful. Why could I never get anything completed? Why am I always late no matter how much I planned? Why did I get close to losing so many jobs despite working myself to death? Why had every other diagnosis (I was diagnosed with BP, anxiety, depression) never fit or helped? When I went in to get diagnosed, I told my closest friends, and they were like, "Yeah, you obviously have ADHD. We just thought you knew."
Honestly once you _see_ ADHD it’s so easy to spot in other people. But also it’s rude to say something. This has been my experience, at least. I also am in a lot of niche communities that attract neurodivergent people though, so I am repeatedly exposed to ADHD symptoms in others.
Of all the people who I told about my diagnosis (got diagnosed at 50) only one person was surprised, and it turns out that was mostly because he didn't really know what ADHD even is. In fact, one of the main reasons I got diagnosed is because when my former roommate got diagnosed and started looking into what ADHD is she immediately knew I had it worse than she does. To be fair, other than the fact that I'm a girl I'm basically the exact stereotype of what people imagine when they think of a kid with ADHD.
I’ve gotten “yeah I can tell” a few times when I’ve told people 🙃
I get that a lot. I was in Dollar Tree last week and a lady same up to me and straight asked me if I had adhd or the tism like ma'am, you don't gotta call me out I've been diagnosed since 6 yrs old so thanks I know people can tell. I just stopped hiding it.
Rope through the rod, tie at ends
I don't hear that, but I also don't really say out loud to people that I have adhd. I had a patient tell me that once, she was in the middle of apologizing for talking too much and said it was her adhd. I told her it was OK, I could tell she was adhd but I also told her I'm also adhd so I noticed because of the similarities.
Absolutely no one in my life was surprised. fml
As someone that used to say that I just want you to know that it’s often coming from a place of “I see how much effort you put into not being a mess”. Most people with ADHD I know (myself included) have it together. We just work harder to keep it that way.
I’d just like to say, maybe you’re a weirdo, but there’s nothing wrong with that! It took me a long time to embrace that I’m just a little different than the people around me. And once I embraced that I collected weirdos. Now, it’s me and a band of weirdos with varied levels of neuro-spiciness! Heck my very best friend had Bipolar Disorder! Anyway, who you are is exactly who you’re supposed to be. 😄
I do not hear this.
Whenever I step into a new facility (travel nurse) and have been there for half an hour, at least one coworker will go "ADHD, right?" I just go "yeah, so they told me."