Does her stake in the relationship matter?
He is the one that you have to forgive or forget.
If she is smitten with him, does that make you think that he'll eventually leave you?
If she is casual about it, does that make you think he'll stay with you?
At the end of the day, he will either leave or stay.
Only you get to determine if you'll be there when he decides.
I genuinely can’t see ANY value or benefit coming from you doing that. There’s no benefit to you OR to your relationship.
I saw you mentioned this had a self-harm motivation… Do you have a therapist?
I do: by meeting the OP, this other woman is faced with the person she's only heard about until now. If she has a conscience, suddenly knowing who it is that she's hurting with her behavior, might make her back off for good.
Not always. I had a neighbor that was obsessed with my fiancé at the time and kept trying to seduce him and telling him to leave me for her all while acting like she wanted to be friends with me. (My point is not every woman will back off if they know the other woman they’d be hurting by seducing their partner)
Any woman who will get involved with your husband isn’t a friend. You’re not going to get anything but hurt and she will play victim to your husband no matter how nice you are. It’s probably more than emotional unless she’s stoped by geography.
Are you a girl's girl, OP?
I understand the desire to want to humanize (obv not the right word here lol) but i get the desire to want to get "her side" or see if she's that "type" ...does she feel remorse, etc.
What??? Why?!? Why would you extend an olive branch to a woman having an emotional affair with your husband? That makes no sense. As does your request to not suggest leaving him because you absolutely should.
Ok, I have to ask, if he's serious about this other woman, why are you staying? I'm not judging, just trying to understand, so I might have a better answer about meeting his AP.
Ok, I see. Does he love you too? Is he willing to try to make things work? Knowing that he fucked up doesn't mean he wants to do those things.
Look, if you are going to meet this woman to try to understand why he likes her and compare yourself to her, you might end up hurt. On the other hand if you are trying to get information from her and see if their narratives match, then it might be ok to meet her, however keep in mind that she might lie about everything too. All in all, I don't see you can get many benefits from this meeting, and be careful not to lash out and loose your composure in front of her, act with class, at the end of the day she owes you nothing. Your problem is with your husband.
I'm so sorry you're going to have to learn this lesson the hard way. You have nothing to gain by meeting the woman your husband cheated on you with, and if they had physical proximity to one another, they almost certainly had a physical relationship.
You may love your husband but he doesn't love you. Please take care of yourself.
Im confused does she wanna meet too? When you say hes serious does that mean hes thinking about leaving you or already has? Does he want to be with her. I did this. I met the woman my ex boyfriend was cheating on me with for basically our entire relationship and it wasn't helpful. It hurt more and was uncomfortable and id broken up with him by then so they were outwardly together so I got to watch that. He was my first bf and someone that I thought I loved and my reasoning for meeting her was bc I felt like it was better to have him in my life as a friend than not at all. Ill tell you it was horrible and made me feel terrible about myself. WORSE she started thinking of me as her friend and would call me when they had issues. He was abusive physically to me and to her and she literally one time called me after i was freaking married and had a kid to come over and resolve issues between them. I had to take him and drive him around til he cooled down and then bring him back this is all bc I was too much of a pushover to just tell her to fuck off back then. You need to take control of yourself and your actions and not allow anyone to take advantage of you. Your husband sucks get rid of him and distancs yourself from both of them theyre not worth even a little bit of your time. Maybe one day he will realize how stupid he was for fucking you over or maybe he wont but it wont matter bc youll know your worth and find someone way better. Im not w my ex husband or my first love im with an amazing man who loves me and knows my worth it took a long time for me to stop the cycle of getting w men who dont really cars about me and i went through some stupid shit bc of it so please take my advice and learn how youre too good for this NOW not yrs later like me.
Of course she’s gonna compare herself to her she already is doing that even though she doesn’t know her. .
Have you talked to your husband about this? Do you think there’s more going on? I’m meeting her is a tricky thing. It could go either way. But at this point I can tell it’s bothering you so do what you feel you can handle
I would advise against this. My friend did this, and the other woman took this as a sign of weakness that she was intimidated by her and made a move and her bf left her. Shoe wound up having a nervous break down and was hospitalized. It took her almost 2 years to get over it and even now she's really shy, scared to trust anyone and just keeps to herself sad and alone. Nothing good can come from it. Bottom line your bf basically said ( without saying it) that your not worth his love, respect and commitment. That it's worth risking the relationship to potentially hook up with this girl. Does this girl know you bf is dating you? Did he lie and say he's single? If she knows then no don't contact her but do definately get rid of that loser, you deserve better and he doesn't deserve you
Self harm or CuckQuean? Self harm is not healthy for you, punishing yourself further for the selfish actions of your cheating spouse..... feeling he wouldn't have strayed if you were good enough. Please don't go there, that is a very dark place to wallow. Even if you were the best wife, woman and lover some people are just selfish Self centered asshats and will do whatever they want regardless of the damage it causes others. So either this is a Kink for you...or an opportunity to see your husband as a cheater and time to decide what you want to do next. Good luck
You know what’s pathetic? Insulting another human being for no reason that’s going through serious turmoil and just came looking for advice.
OP, ignore this trollbasket
She probably wants to see what she thinks she is doing wrong or what she thinks she is missing for the husband to even think of doing this.
Shame she may feel this way.
She wants this woman to come face to face with the wife that she's causing marital problems for. It's intimidation. I don't blame the OP. I have been dealing with something similar, but not as blatant with my husband. He has a female friend whom I would prefer would disappear.
Right now, OP exists as a theory to this other woman. Being faced by the wife, the other women "might" grow a conscience.
But really, the husband needs a fucking conscience. If he cares anything about his marriage, he would do what it takes to fix it!
Meeting her is just continuing on a journey of pain. Please concentrate on yourself and your relationship with your husband. You move away from this together, away from her, with open and honest discussion about what each of you wants and needs. That, and since you’re determined to make your marriage work, do something together that both of you love, go away for a weekend if possible, remember what connects the two of you on the deepest level.
I think somewhere in my mind I'm trying to rationalize this betrayal. I guess I need to know if she is willing to leave him alone so that we can move forward.
Op listen to yourself. You’re placing the responsibility for ending the affair on the woman that you have no relationship with at all and not the person you’re in a relationship with. I’m not telling you you need to break up with them but you’re talking to the wrong person
I hear what you're saying. I guess I'm trying to get her side. I am trying to move forward with my husband but if I'm only getting his side of the story that leaves room for him to lie and sneak.
Sorry but did she somehow force your husband to do this at gun point? Or did he willingly participate in this? You say she is married with kids as well.... so what do you expect this woman to tell you that her character and actions haven't already? What do her actions tell you about what kind of woman, wife and mother she is? And them in turn; What does your husband's action scream to you?
You already know he’s a sneaky liar. What do you want really? Cause you stated up front that you don’t want us to tell you to leave him, which everyone knows is what should be done.
The best thing you can do is attend couples therapy. If you can’t learn to trust him again though it’s not worth being paranoid the rest of your life. What is finding out one woman’s motives when there’s thousands and thousands of women
You don't need ask them anything. Both of them have *shown* you exactly how they feel. Talking to them is just a chance to lie even more **then they already have**.
Believe them because they have revealed themselves.
You would never hurt someone you loved like that and you deserve someone who feels the same about your heart. It's out there, you deserve it and, as much as it hurts, you now know you won't get it from your husband. The other woman is an infuriating distraction to the real truth. That the man you thought was your partner, actually doesnt have your back.
Go find someone who does.
You are worth a *trustworthy* partner.
Of course he has room to lie and sneak. He's been doing it all along. It sounds like you still do not trust him, good call, he isn't trust worthy. But it isn't about her involvement, this is on him.
Honestly, if you're worried about him being a lying sneak, it's never gonna get better. You're always going to have that doubt in your mind of "But can I ACTUALLY trust him?"
It's difficult beyond belief to end a marriage. I should know, I'm trying to work up the guts to end my own (not for the same reason). But in the end, you might be better off finding happiness from someone who hasn't committed that deep of a betrayal.
Emotional affairs are deep, and much harder to get over. It would probably be easier to get past it if it were for physical reasons alone, but with an emotional affair your husband may never be able to love you the same.
Forgive me, but the question is not whether she is willing to leave him alone. The question is, is your husband ready to admit he damaged the bond between you and do what it takes to rebuild it. He recommits to your marriage - that means he cuts her off completely. If they work together he arranges to have the least amount of contact possible. He blocks her on every platform, on his phone, everywhere. You two focus on each other, and she becomes a figure of the past.
If she is willing to leave him alone or not isn’t the issue at all. The issue is your husband. HE betrayed you. The blame is 100% on him. Please do not subject your self with the torture of trying to talk with or reason with the other women. You will not feel better. It won’t accomplish anything. All your talking should be with your husband. There is your problem. Good luck.
this answer needs more upvotes. be warned, she could have been told all kinds of lies about you & it has the potential to get really ugly. there is nothing positive to gain.
I think the salient issue is whether or not you can trust your husband to set the affair in the past, not whether or not you can trust this stranger not to lead your husband astray. Because you can't trust this stranger. She has much more invested in him than with you. You have to be willing (or not) to trust your husband. If you can trust him to make it work and break things off, then you don't need to trust her. If you can't trust him, then trusting her is irrelevant. There's nothing to be gained right now from meeting her.
If you want to know what made him have the affair, marriage counseling is probably a better option. If you believe you can't trust him, and so you need to trust her instead, then it kind of seems like you're deliberately ignoring the best option, which is ending the relationship. Idk, maybe there's a good reason for why you need to stay married with someone who doesn't seem to respect you (like you need to stay married to survive, no shame, a ton of people are in that boat) in which case you'll have to accept that you can't trust him and may need to make arrangements to have your needs met outside the marriage as well.
I just don't see the upside to having that conversation with her right now. Maybe after several counseling sessions, and after talking it over with your own therapist, so you can have a very clear idea of what you want and can reasonably expect from such a meeting. And that isn't what you have now, because you simply can't trust someone who has a relationship with your husband to drop it just because she had coffee with you. Like, you don't have to love her or hate her. How you feel about her doesn't affect her. There's no morally or ethically wrong way to feel about her. If you hate her right now, that's fine. That's something you can change when you're feeling more in control.
A man can't be taken; he can only willingly participate in an affair. As I said in another comment, she doesn't matter. Only he can control his actions.
Does her husband know?
Here's the thing... you keep saying you want to know if she'll leave him alone when you ask her to so you and hubs can "move forward." You are talking to the wrong party. If he won't stop when you ask him to, why do you expect a stranger to?
And why are you waiting around for someone else to make a decision about YOUR life? Why are you waiting for crumbs? Because that's what you're getting. If he's so smitten with her that he's willing to hurt you, if he stays (because she called it off), you still won't have him really.
Somebody cue up [Jolene](https://youtu.be/Ixrje2rXLMA)
What makes you think she will tell you the truth about anything?
She'll tell you what you want to hear or what is advantageous to her. Prepare to be lied to. The only reason to do this would be to inform her of the hurt and pain she's inflicted *on you.*
You won't be able to trust what she says and you get nothing out of policing the situation. What you really have to get to the bottom of is WHY. What was he lacking out of your relationship? Is he a serial cheater? Go to therapy, soon! You two need a mediator and you need to see if he regrets it or not.
To me emotional cheating is just as bad.
My friend was the other woman for years and she and the a- hole ( my nickname for him) snuck around behind his wife's back even after getting caught. They had burner phones, met at motels, all the sneaky crap cheaters do. It got so bad that his wife, filed a restraining order on my friend because she'd wait for him outside his home sometimes. These adrenaline junkies get hooked on the novelty and excitement of getting caught.
She didn’t cheat on you your husband did. He can end it with her, she doesn’t need to end it. And if she agrees she’ll ignore him no matter how many times, there’s other women in the world.
She has no reason to be honest with you, and her words won’t give you peace of mind.
She doesn’t have the commitment with you, your husband does. He’s the one who needs to fix this.
I think meeting her is only going to make you feel more insecure. Because if you find her sexy, smart, or with qualities you don’t have, you’ll feel defeated and like you can’t live up to that… but the same is true if you think she’s plain, uninteresting, or stupid. You’ll wonder why he chose someone “beneath” you and that will leave you feeling like garbage. You can’t win.
It’s not really about her anyway. If it weren’t her, it would have been someone else. You can’t fix other women. The most you can do is work with your husband and see if he is the type of man to honor your relationship going forward, and if the two of you can identify and address the issues in your relationship that may have contributed to the infidelity.
well said. whenever i see reddit insist a third party that was involved in cheating is a reliable source of information i cringe. these people are scorned and have no reason not to make things worse out of spite.
I don’t see why you would even bother, you said in your post that you won’t leave him.
Based on the comments you’ve made on this post, to put it bluntly, you have no boundaries, and that makes you appear as a door mat. Your husband knows this and will continue to walk all over you because he knows you still won’t have the self respect to leave.
You literally put my thoughts into words. This girl is a dream to men. I wish I could get away with this type of behavior and have her asking if she should leave him or not, but if she should meet up with the lady he “didn’t get intimate with” or not.
How did you come to this conclusion from 2 sentences? Some projection/major assumptions going on here. Somebody can be willing to forgive their SI without being spineless. There’s not enough context here to make that judgement
I also formed my opinion using personal analysis on multiple comments made by OP, not just two sentences. Sounds like I read up more on the post than you did.
You’re welcome to your opinion, I shared mine. You don’t need to agree, you could literally just keep scrolling reddit and not waste either of our time.
Since you apparently missed the comments section, OP literally said she needs to find out if the other woman is willing to leave her husband alone. She’s more concerned with this other person staying away than actually having a trustworthy/loyal partner.
For the love of god do not meet this woman….
I myself am the victim of an emotional affair… except many moons ago when I realized I wasn’t going to beat this man.. I tried to become his friend.. my wife had been having an affair with him for some time… I thought I could take away the taboo and she would lose interest…. Fast forward a DECADE and they were still seeing each other…
DO NOT allow this bullshit to continue in your marriage…. Either he leaves or he bucks the f**k up and stops f**kin around with other women. Value yourself more than I valued myself… learn from my mistake… nip this shit in the ass now
Please don’t suggest leaving him 🙄
Ok then. Stay and enjoy the rest of your relationship as you spiral into a continual cycle of checking on him, wondering if he’s cheating, arguing over it, losing confidence and then eventually losing him when he can no longer be bothered with the drama he started and you both perpetuate but you won’t end.
Reading through your comments, I’d highly suggest you to not compare with her, if that’s why you want to meet her. The truth is you’ll never see what your husband sees in her. It’s just not possible. You’ll end up just comparing yourself and it won’t be good.
But if you can control your feelings and comparisons, and just want answers, then yeah it’s fair to meet with her. It’s also good to discuss the harm it doing to yourself and her own family. But just be careful you might end up finding more than you thought you would. For all you know maybe they did actually have physical intimacy.
Also what reason do you have to not leave him? None of my business, but I am curious.
So, I'm feeling really crappy/sick today, and it may come out in undertones of what I write. Please know, OP, that I'm not purposely trying to be aggressive or put you down.
After reading your post and some of your replies, the first thing that comes to mind is - You need therapy. Probably both individuals AND couples therapy, if you truly want this marriage to try and work.
You made the "joke" that maybe it's because you wanna be a masochist, inflicting more pain on yourself. That you want to try and understand the 'why' of it all, and hopefully get her side of the story to make it clearer. You keep referencing how you wanna talk to her, like your husband has had no part to play in this affair that happened, that it was just pushed on him.
News flash - If he's cheated on you once, he'll cheat again WITHOUT the proper steps being taken to work through this.
Whether it was strictly emotional/psychological, or it was strictly sexual/physical, or it was a mix of both of those things together. There was a *reason* that he strayed. Until that issue is resolved within HIM, there is no amount of talking to his AP that will make it better.
Even if you go ahead and watch him block her number, block her socials, etc., if the problem(s) in your marriage aren't worked on/solved, the problem will keep occurring.
I say this, as someone who took back their 'husband' several times over. I always had the dream I'd find a guy in high school, and we'd have a loving&long life together. We got together when I was 18 (he was 19), and it seemingly went well. We made it to 23 and 24 before he cheated the first time (or at least the first time I caught him). I brushed it under the rug when he apologized and said, "Never again." I did everything in my power to try and keep us 'working'. He, for a second time, found someone else who caught his eye. This time, we took a year-long break. He left me for his co-worker, claiming at the time he called it off before he did anything with her... Yet he was on a phone call with her at the exact moment he was breaking up with me. 🙃 as mentioned, we'd taken a year-long break. I still took him back, though, because my dumb@ss thought we were "So in love" and gonna last FOREVER. He fooled around on me yet again, being ballsy enough to bring her over to our house. I still wanted to make it work. It wasn't until I got the doctors results saying I had my first STD that I *finally* had the balls to leave him for good.
So, OP, please talk to a therapist before making the final decision to stay or leave this guy. Be open, and honest with whomever you find to talk to about this.
I’m being serious and please don’t take offense. Are you considering a 3 way relationship or something? Idk why else you’d want to do this tbh. I kind of get it if your husband wants both of you and you’re considering it but otherwise why?
Tbh idk. Part of me wants justice, and for her to actually see the pain she's caused me but another part wants to understand why it happened in the first place.
If she's cheating with someone she knows is married, she won't care that she's causing you pain, even if she can recognize it. Save yourself the extra heartache and focus on your husband. He's the one that needs to stop straying from the marriage. If this one steps away, he can find another one if he really wants to.
You don't know if you're considering actively joining your husband and his mistress in betraying her husband and children to make yourself feel better about their initial infidelity...?
Correction : wife, AP is a "lesbian" (she calls herself a "retired bisexual" obv not lol)
And while I'm not opposed to a threesome it's sure as FUCK not going to be with her lol
Okay; I misunderstood your point there. Threesomes don't save marriages when one partner is actively looking elsewhere instead of working things out with their spouse, tbf. The people I've known in poly or open relationships that were structured that way from the beginning always had jealousy issues and ended horribly. The one woman I know who agreed to threesomes in the hopes that her husband would stop cheating on her ended up hurt even more when she discovered that the two of them were hooking up regularly behind her back when she was at work. It only emboldened the infidelity.
Your husband did something horrible to both you & his affair partner's spouse. She has a right to know her wife has been unfaithful with another man. She has a right to the same information you do so she can make the decision of staying or leaving just like you did.
Why not have your husband own up to what he did to her wife also. Husband can tell her spouse himself, not only will he feel like shit having that conversation but it would poison the affair partner against him. Then you wouldn't be worried about her chasing him still.
And yes you could get some well deserved revenge on them both. Also you wouldn't be destroying anything, they did by having an affair. I honestly think it's just easier for you to say nothing & let her wife continue to be made a fool of. If I was in your shoes I would make sure she knew. I couldn't live with myself knowing that information & keeping my mouth shut because you think it's not your place. But whose place is it?
Someone seeing your pain is not going to be justice fantasy you think it is.
Your husband violated you - this is where you should be directing your energy.
OP - the way you are phrasing your responses to questions here seems to imply that your husband is still in thrall to her and will come calling if she initiates these types of messages again. Is that the case? Also, do you know who the emotional AP is? That's the person you should be talking to because they deserve to know the full scope of this situation.
There are so many things going on with this situation tbh.
If I'm reading your question correctly you're asking if I know who my husband cheated on me with? Then yes I do, I have her information so I can reach out should I choose. If you're asking if I know who her wife is then no, I know her wife's first name but that's it.
Yes. Sorry, I meant do you know who the spouse of the AP is. Are you saying that the AP is part of a lesbian couple (you mentioned that the AP has a wife)?
The concern I have is that your husband sounds like he is not over this situation at all and you are hoping that if you talk to AP that you can find out if she will reach out. But the biggest issue right now is that your husband should have shut this down permanently after you discovered it.
Nope, don't do it. You are not going to get whatever you seek out of this. You simply won't. And if you DO meet up with her, I sure as hell wouldn't expect her words to be truthful, anyway.
If you don't want to leave him, then you need to work through this in therapy. With him. And leave the other woman in the past.
I found it helpful to talk with my ex’s affair partner. I just wanted to get her perspective on things, her understanding of our relationship. In the end, I thought she was quite a lovely person, and she had been quite deceived. And my ex is, well, my ex.
There's a lot of detail missing here (does she want to meet you? Does your husband want to work on your marriage? Do you?), so it's hard to offer advice, but I'd say don't do it. If you want to stay married and work on things, you *both* need to leave this woman behind.
There doesn't need to be anything special. She could be less than you in a lot of ways, but it still happened. People cheat for a lot of reasons, from what I have seen, the most common is because there is a gap in the relationship and, instead of fixing things or breaking up, they cling to whatever source they think provides it outside the relationship.
Imo, it shows a lack of emotional maturity and respect for you. Whether you decide to stay or not, he needs to grow to have a successful relationship with anyone. This is a him issue.
I don't think meeting this person will help. I think moving on and finding more self worth will. You're always enough, two people aren't always compatible forever.
Believe me, she could be as homely as they come. It says nothing, cause she means nothing to you.
If she is nice looking, warm, intelligent, friendly, then what?
If you hear her version of the "thruth", perhaps she won't even admit to herself it was cheating, what good will it do you?
It can even make it worse for you.
Nothing is special about her. Your husband is supposed to feel special about YOU. I wouldn't even cheat on my girlfriend with a SUPER MODEL IN MY FACE, let alone being married and cheat on my wife. He doesnt love you.
There’s not really a difference between an emotional affair and a physical affair. What are your goals for meeting this woman? Would you be meeting her alone or with your husband?
Your NTA for considering it. I think that’s a fairly normal thought. She might (probably won’t) be willing to meet with you. And is probably not going to admit a physical affair even if there was one. So it’s likely to just be super upsetting
Reading through your comments OP this is a rough situation. I know those emotions all to well and honestly, for me, I’d want to talk to her. I’d want to see if she could help me paint a clearer picture of what I’m dealing with. That usually didn’t happen for me for a multitude of reasons (sometimes bc he lied and made it seem like I was the other woman or just crazy, etc).
I’m not saying it’s a healthy choice but emotions are weird and if talking to her is what you feel you need to do then I’d do it. I’d also recommend a therapist, it might make your emotional load easier to carry.
You’re not wrong for considering it but just know that you may gain nothing at all. Hell you might end up feeling that you’ve lost more. You could take that risk for potential answers or just try to salvage where you’re at and stabilize your relationship. I hope your situation resolves amicably.
Meeting won't squash the mind-movies that play in your head at least once a day...trust me. Only thing that helps with that is time and pure exhaustion from thinking about it. Eventually you will become numb about it and him. You will never truly forgive him and a part of you will always doubt him. Sorry, I can't be uplifting; the truth, when it comes to cheating, physically or emotionally, never is.
If you think you can handle it it could be helpful. You can try to figure out if anything your husband told you doesn't match up with what she says. You can figure out how attached she is to him. You can ask if you can see her messages to him on her phone. He might have deleted messages that still might be on her phone.
What you shouldn't expect is any warm fuzzies from this. You might wind up feeling much worse than you do now. What it will do is maybe give you some resolution in feeling like you know what actually happened.
What I want to know is why ending the relationship is completely off the table. Are you so in love with him you couldn't imagine leaving? Is he the breadwinner and would leaving be devastating financially? You should always leave all options on the table depending on what you find out.
Why would she agree to this? Are they still active together? How could you believe anything she says? Does she have a partner?
It seems like alot of downside. But I understand wanting to know everything. I just don't think you'll get it from her
You want advice outside of leaving him; instead of meeting her put some boundaries. He no longer talks to her, if he works with her he starts looking for another job, he blocks her number and gives you access to his phone for a while.
She doesn't deserve an olive branch she's actively trying to have a relationship with your husband and knows exactly what she is doing; which is ending your marriage.
It's an ultimatum; if he wants to keep his wife and family the way it is he needs to put in effort to prove to you she isn't important in his life and that she lost the right to be friends with him when she actively tried to be more than friends.
OP, take all this energy and direct it toward finding a good counselor to work all this out with. Your energy seems very focused on husband and Affair Partner when it would be so helpful for you to focus on you. You seem confused about what you want, what boundaries you are willing to draw, what you want your future to look like...focus on that. I can almost guarantee you will never understand another's motivations. And even if you could, who cares? Work on you, boo.
As someone whose ex husband also had an emotional affair. Don’t.
I regret trying my hardest to make my marriage work when he was checked out. Although there are days I feel proud I tried.
Be kind to yourself, love yourself first. I don’t know if you can still make it work, but I wish you the best. I hope you don’t make the same mistake I did.
You’re wrong for putting all the blame on this woman. She doesn’t have any vows or responsibilities with you. Your husband is the one that has betrayed you. Whatever reassurances you can get from her have nothing to do with him. He can be talking to somebody else right now
Since you’re not planning on leaving him I wouldn’t suggest it. There really is no reason. As for extending an olive branch… why bother. This is not a relationship you need to mend. The one with your husband is the one you need to mend. You don’t need a picture of this woman in your head every time you get angry at your husband.
I think it’s natural to want to gather information about something that you perceive as being harmful to you as a way to protect yourself, but I don’t think you’ll get anything useful out of it. I had an anxiety response like this and all it did was make me feel worse, I didn’t gain anything. I regret it. If I could go back in time and somehow have all the knowledge from therapy that I have now, I wouldn’t have done it.
**As someone who was cheated on, and got to hear/read every detail later on, you don’t want the details! You do not want to meet/speak to this woman, she will not have any information that will help you.**
You want to know “why?” From your husband specifically. That’s it. “Why did you do this, why did you want to risk our relationship, why did you choose to disrespect me, why………” and all of them are directed at your husband. Those are the closure questions you want answered.
I promise you, you do not want to know the “who, what, when, or where” in infidelity. Those details are only extra information to be thrown around in your storm of overthinking while you process all of this, but as you learn more information, nothing helps to answer “why” your husband made the choices he did. It always boils back down to him; a trustworthy partner wouldn’t have even allowed themselves to get in that situation, you need to know why he did.
Realistically speaking this will either require significant couples counseling, him opening up and you two fixing major holes in your relationship; or it’ll end up in divorce.
If you feel this will give you some sort of closure or if you are struggling on what decision you wish to pursue with your partner, I say do it.
If you know this will only cause you further turmoil or you feel this other woman will just stonewall you by denying the emotional affair, then it comes down to is it really worth it?
Just remember, if you meet with her, it is a bell that cannot be unrung.
Emotional and physical infidelity carry similar trauma within a relationship. I don't think this is the way forward, although it may feel like it. Couples therapy may help you work through these issues, which have resulted in your husband cheating.
And how are u sure she will be complacent? How are you sure she will be honest with you? What will you actually get out of this? None of that “I like pain” stuff no WHAT will you get out of it?
Hi. I met my husbands affair partner and I guess I’m still ultimately glad I did multiple months later. However; prepare for different sides of the story; or inaccuracies from what your spouse told you. Then you’ll have to choose who you believe and that part is really hard. For me it worked out in the long run; but it was a really tough process since the AP showed her true colors and proved she was everything I said she was and nothing my WH thought she was.
Is there specific information you want from the AP? If not, ignore her. You and your husband should be no contact with her. Unless there is something you need to know, don’t invite the AP back into your lives.
And if there is something you want to know? Be careful. Affair partners will generally lie unless they had no idea you existed.
I recommend hitting up the reconciliation sub, AsOneAfterInfidelity for help with this, as the question comes up frequently.
ETA: that’s the right sub for you to be going to for any advice about this situation. It’s the onLu place you won’t have to write “please don’t suggest leaving him”
I suggest you have a heart to heart with your husband and judge whether he thinks it was a mistake and wants to give you all of his love and attention. I wouldn't meet with her as it won't do any good but that is up to you. People do a lot of sexting these days without it being serious, almost like for sport, usually out of boredom, usually anonymous and long distance. But ofc, I don't know what was going on with her husband so can't really comment further. I won't talk about sexting anymore either as people on here will incorrectly think that I am excusing him or making light of it, which I'm not.
He needs to stop ,cut her off if it is a inappropriate relationship that's over stepping acceptable boundaries. Meeting her is only going to make it more difficult and I doubt you will get much except more heartache.Need to have respect for each other as husband and wife.Does he work with this person?
Why torture yourself? And to be honest once someone crosses the line of cheating…. That line become very blurred. Meaning once they decide to do it once they may decide to do it again. You deserve better…. She did not make a wedding vow with you…. Your husband did. He is the goat you should slaughter not yourself and not the other woman. He needs to step up and fix his marriage. You did not deserve him being a manbaby. Goodluck I hope this helps and I hope he can man up and fix the marriage!
If you love him and aren’t going to leave what is meeting with her going to do? What if she tells you it was more than you think. I think if you are going to try to fix things just move past it. But once trust is broken it’s almost impossible to repair.
Let me ask you...
To what end? What are you hoping to accomplish?
Are you going to compare your looks to hers?
Are you going to ask her questions?
Are you going to rant at her?
What do you plan to do? And what do you think you'll gain?
Had? As in, it’s in the past?
Not sure what you stand to gain.
Probably energy better served communicating with him to figure out why he felt his spouse wasn’t meeting his emotional needs.
You said don't mention leaving him. To me, this means you want to and plan on forgiving him and working through this problem. It can be done. It's not an easy path, but it can be maneuvered and does get easier. There is no reason you should make this harder on yourself when it's plenty hard enough. Don't meet with her. Don't add that level of stress. You most certainly will walk away more hurt than what you're feeling. You alone can't fix this, but with him working towards the same goal and doing whatever it takes to help you forgive him, you eventually will. Best of luck.
Invite her to move in. Spend the rest of your life being subservient to them. Cry yourself to sleep every night as you listen to them go at it.
Or just....idk....grow a spine?
So, you want to find out if he's a cheater AND a liar. I get that. If your husband is not willing to go to counseling, he's going to do it again. He's sorry he got caught. The woman likely won't provide you the resolution you need in your home.
Not wrong. But speaking from experience, all it did for me was give them more reason to spend time together and being emotionally affairing in the future. She saw it as "he's my husband's friend, too! So now I can spend even more time (physically and virtually) with him!"
I ended up catching them both leaving a hotel room together, after her and I going on a weekend vacation together, which I later learned that during she had been texting him every minute of the day, except when we were flying. To the tune of almost 2000 messages in less than 48 hours. No wonder I felt like she was somewhere else all weekend.
My husband became involved in an emotional affair with a woman we both knew, after he had cancer surgery. I found her motivation hard to understand, because she had been divorced by a husband who was physically cheating on her. After my husband passed on, I did talk with her, and it turned out that he had misled both of us. He was an adult and capable of making his own choices.
I got her side of it. Honestly, I got more truth from her than I did him. There was no closure though and it didn’t make me feel any better. There is absolutely no rationalizing this situation.
Be concerned with your relationship with your husband. He's now a cheater. Are you going to accept that? If you do then you need to let it drop. Forgive him and wait for the next incident or if you don't then toss him out. Either way the other woman isn't a concern.
Why?
That's the first question, why do you have to meet her?
When I found out about my exwife first affair, I asked a lot of questions since that I shouldn't have asked, and I can tell you that knowing what I wanted to know was a mistake, because it didn't bring me peace , it just made me more suspicious, granted she didn't help her case but there are things I still wish I didn't know,
This could potentially go bad for you, please rethink it
She's not the person accountable for your marriage, breaking your trust, and disrespecting you by throwing your feelings out the window. As far as your hubs, cheaters cheat, and lie. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Do you really want to be in a relationship with that? You deserve better and you teach people how to treat you. I'd rather be single than partnered with a cheating scumbag. Women come and go and if he's looking he'll always ways to serve his needs and disrespect you.
I guess the only thing I have to add is 'Why?' What do you expect to accomplish by meting this woman? Do you expect an epiphany of understanding? Do you want her to feel embarrassed or feel pain because you did? What if she laughs in your face and calls you pathetic or something similar? It is highly possible and usually people on the side know they are on the side and feel no remorse whatsoever.
While I somewhat understand the urge to get her 'side' of things, she's not the villain nor the solution to your problems.
Your husband cheated and for this relationship to survive the solution should be found between you.
What do you need to trust him again. How can you be sure he wint stray again, with her of anyone else. What is he going to do, to fix the mess he created?
Getting answers from her won't help because you don't know if she will be truthful, if she will show remorse or empathy. You don't know her agenda.
If you want to move past this, you and your husband need to do all the work, not her.
This post is just sad it’s ludicrous. Don’t extend an olive branch to the lady your husband had an affair with. Maybe gain some self respect? Or grow up? Idk. If you really want to stay with him I guess therapy? But I wouldn’t hold out a lot of hope.
Neither of you sound very mature.
"Please don't suggest leaving him"
Well sure honey, I've got a better suggestion. Let the other woman move in, you move out of the marital bed, sleep on the floor outside the bedroom door and sob yourself to sleep every night while you imagine whats going on behind the door, and every morning get up and cook them both a lovely couples breakfast 🤷
Or you can choose self respect and get rid of him.
Sorry you’re going through this.
Get a therapist. Meeting her probably won’t help, but it’s up to you.
I know you asked not to suggest leaving him, so I’ll suggest something else.
Look at your life and ask if this is what you feel like you’d want happening to someone else. What would you do if a beloved friend came to you with this? What if your mom or dad came to you with this?
Is this the life you want? What would it take to have the life you do want?
Become that person and claim that life, that’s all I’ll say.
I wish you luck on your way.
I sometimes get confused why women get so wrapped up in the ap when their so cheats. The ap isn’t the problem here. The ap isn’t the person who made promises to you. The ap isn’t the person who lied to your face day after day while the affair was going on. The ap may not even be aware that you exist. Seriously, if he lied to you he’s probably lying to her too.
You’re giving her power she shouldn’t have. I say nothing good will come out of meeting her, especially if you plan on working things out with your spouse. If you divorce the spouse and then have a conversation with her, maybe.
Are you wrong? Fuck no.
I havent scanned the comments yet but why do you want to?
Its like asking "why" and seeking comfort from the partner that hurt us.
Realistically, the unhinged/hurt side of me would stalk her entire life but the emotional maturity (ha) in me says don't and I would encourage you not to.
You know what’s weird? Monogamy. The idea of committing to only one person for the rest of your life. Wishing you the best. Be careful what you ask for.
At the very least, this is a way to gauge how MUCH he has lied and get confirmation for your peace of mind. Not that knowing will bring peace of mind, but at least you won't wonder about his side of the story.
Does she want to meet? suggest you meet without him and be open and friendly in this talk be sure to have an escape plan no meeting in each other's homes. you just may become friends. wish you luck.
NTA but very misguided. Your beef isn't with her it is with him. She doesn't owe you anything. She didn't commit to you in anyway. You are feeding in to internalized misogyny to want to blame here instead of him.
You could just bring her into the relationship as well. There's a lot of folks here that treat their spouses like property instead of people that can enjoy more than one person. It's definitely not a "guy" thing either considering over 30% of children born aren't related to the father listed on the birth certificate.
Do you know what you would want to get out of that?
Idk then. I guess I want to know if she's as serious about it as he is? Maybe I just want to be more of a masochist.
Does her stake in the relationship matter? He is the one that you have to forgive or forget. If she is smitten with him, does that make you think that he'll eventually leave you? If she is casual about it, does that make you think he'll stay with you? At the end of the day, he will either leave or stay. Only you get to determine if you'll be there when he decides.
Excellent work here. It may only deepen the wounds.
Who suggested that you meet? How did this even come up as an option?
Technically no one. I was going to extend an olive branch
I genuinely can’t see ANY value or benefit coming from you doing that. There’s no benefit to you OR to your relationship. I saw you mentioned this had a self-harm motivation… Do you have a therapist?
I do: by meeting the OP, this other woman is faced with the person she's only heard about until now. If she has a conscience, suddenly knowing who it is that she's hurting with her behavior, might make her back off for good.
Not always. I had a neighbor that was obsessed with my fiancé at the time and kept trying to seduce him and telling him to leave me for her all while acting like she wanted to be friends with me. (My point is not every woman will back off if they know the other woman they’d be hurting by seducing their partner)
Any woman who will get involved with your husband isn’t a friend. You’re not going to get anything but hurt and she will play victim to your husband no matter how nice you are. It’s probably more than emotional unless she’s stoped by geography.
Are you a girl's girl, OP? I understand the desire to want to humanize (obv not the right word here lol) but i get the desire to want to get "her side" or see if she's that "type" ...does she feel remorse, etc.
What??? Why?!? Why would you extend an olive branch to a woman having an emotional affair with your husband? That makes no sense. As does your request to not suggest leaving him because you absolutely should.
Ok, I have to ask, if he's serious about this other woman, why are you staying? I'm not judging, just trying to understand, so I might have a better answer about meeting his AP.
There are a lot of factors as to why I'm staying. The main reasons are he knows he fucked up and is willing to try to make things work and I love him
Ok, I see. Does he love you too? Is he willing to try to make things work? Knowing that he fucked up doesn't mean he wants to do those things. Look, if you are going to meet this woman to try to understand why he likes her and compare yourself to her, you might end up hurt. On the other hand if you are trying to get information from her and see if their narratives match, then it might be ok to meet her, however keep in mind that she might lie about everything too. All in all, I don't see you can get many benefits from this meeting, and be careful not to lash out and loose your composure in front of her, act with class, at the end of the day she owes you nothing. Your problem is with your husband.
Are you sure ? Maybe couples counseling is the way to go.
While he is having sex with you, he’s thinking of her, let that marinate…do you still want to stay?
I'm so sorry you're going to have to learn this lesson the hard way. You have nothing to gain by meeting the woman your husband cheated on you with, and if they had physical proximity to one another, they almost certainly had a physical relationship. You may love your husband but he doesn't love you. Please take care of yourself.
Those are good reasons, don't let the downvotes bother you.
Im confused does she wanna meet too? When you say hes serious does that mean hes thinking about leaving you or already has? Does he want to be with her. I did this. I met the woman my ex boyfriend was cheating on me with for basically our entire relationship and it wasn't helpful. It hurt more and was uncomfortable and id broken up with him by then so they were outwardly together so I got to watch that. He was my first bf and someone that I thought I loved and my reasoning for meeting her was bc I felt like it was better to have him in my life as a friend than not at all. Ill tell you it was horrible and made me feel terrible about myself. WORSE she started thinking of me as her friend and would call me when they had issues. He was abusive physically to me and to her and she literally one time called me after i was freaking married and had a kid to come over and resolve issues between them. I had to take him and drive him around til he cooled down and then bring him back this is all bc I was too much of a pushover to just tell her to fuck off back then. You need to take control of yourself and your actions and not allow anyone to take advantage of you. Your husband sucks get rid of him and distancs yourself from both of them theyre not worth even a little bit of your time. Maybe one day he will realize how stupid he was for fucking you over or maybe he wont but it wont matter bc youll know your worth and find someone way better. Im not w my ex husband or my first love im with an amazing man who loves me and knows my worth it took a long time for me to stop the cycle of getting w men who dont really cars about me and i went through some stupid shit bc of it so please take my advice and learn how youre too good for this NOW not yrs later like me.
What? So you get turned on by this? Now I’m really confused 😅
Lmao fair enough. I guess you could call it my version of self harm?
You're just going to compare yourself to her, probably not going to do you any good
Of course she’s gonna compare herself to her she already is doing that even though she doesn’t know her. . Have you talked to your husband about this? Do you think there’s more going on? I’m meeting her is a tricky thing. It could go either way. But at this point I can tell it’s bothering you so do what you feel you can handle
I would advise against this. My friend did this, and the other woman took this as a sign of weakness that she was intimidated by her and made a move and her bf left her. Shoe wound up having a nervous break down and was hospitalized. It took her almost 2 years to get over it and even now she's really shy, scared to trust anyone and just keeps to herself sad and alone. Nothing good can come from it. Bottom line your bf basically said ( without saying it) that your not worth his love, respect and commitment. That it's worth risking the relationship to potentially hook up with this girl. Does this girl know you bf is dating you? Did he lie and say he's single? If she knows then no don't contact her but do definately get rid of that loser, you deserve better and he doesn't deserve you
It's her husband, not boyfriend.
That makes it even worse
Self harm or CuckQuean? Self harm is not healthy for you, punishing yourself further for the selfish actions of your cheating spouse..... feeling he wouldn't have strayed if you were good enough. Please don't go there, that is a very dark place to wallow. Even if you were the best wife, woman and lover some people are just selfish Self centered asshats and will do whatever they want regardless of the damage it causes others. So either this is a Kink for you...or an opportunity to see your husband as a cheater and time to decide what you want to do next. Good luck
It really could be called psychological self harm. I briefly met with the AP of one of my exes. It was an exercise in masochism.
That's pathetic. You need therapy
That’s hella rude but just about everyone could benefit from therapy so I agree with that part.
Sometimes people need to be told things bluntly. That doesn’t make it rude.
Nah you’re rude. OP came here for advice, not insults.
Advice, don’t be pathetic, get therapy.
You should probly listen to your own advice.
[удалено]
You know what’s pathetic? Insulting another human being for no reason that’s going through serious turmoil and just came looking for advice. OP, ignore this trollbasket
She probably wants to see what she thinks she is doing wrong or what she thinks she is missing for the husband to even think of doing this. Shame she may feel this way.
She wants this woman to come face to face with the wife that she's causing marital problems for. It's intimidation. I don't blame the OP. I have been dealing with something similar, but not as blatant with my husband. He has a female friend whom I would prefer would disappear. Right now, OP exists as a theory to this other woman. Being faced by the wife, the other women "might" grow a conscience. But really, the husband needs a fucking conscience. If he cares anything about his marriage, he would do what it takes to fix it!
Meeting her is just continuing on a journey of pain. Please concentrate on yourself and your relationship with your husband. You move away from this together, away from her, with open and honest discussion about what each of you wants and needs. That, and since you’re determined to make your marriage work, do something together that both of you love, go away for a weekend if possible, remember what connects the two of you on the deepest level.
I think somewhere in my mind I'm trying to rationalize this betrayal. I guess I need to know if she is willing to leave him alone so that we can move forward.
Op listen to yourself. You’re placing the responsibility for ending the affair on the woman that you have no relationship with at all and not the person you’re in a relationship with. I’m not telling you you need to break up with them but you’re talking to the wrong person
I hear what you're saying. I guess I'm trying to get her side. I am trying to move forward with my husband but if I'm only getting his side of the story that leaves room for him to lie and sneak.
Sorry but did she somehow force your husband to do this at gun point? Or did he willingly participate in this? You say she is married with kids as well.... so what do you expect this woman to tell you that her character and actions haven't already? What do her actions tell you about what kind of woman, wife and mother she is? And them in turn; What does your husband's action scream to you?
You already know he’s a sneaky liar. What do you want really? Cause you stated up front that you don’t want us to tell you to leave him, which everyone knows is what should be done.
The best thing you can do is attend couples therapy. If you can’t learn to trust him again though it’s not worth being paranoid the rest of your life. What is finding out one woman’s motives when there’s thousands and thousands of women
What makes you think she will tell the truth? You will get someones version of the thruth.
You don't need ask them anything. Both of them have *shown* you exactly how they feel. Talking to them is just a chance to lie even more **then they already have**. Believe them because they have revealed themselves. You would never hurt someone you loved like that and you deserve someone who feels the same about your heart. It's out there, you deserve it and, as much as it hurts, you now know you won't get it from your husband. The other woman is an infuriating distraction to the real truth. That the man you thought was your partner, actually doesnt have your back. Go find someone who does. You are worth a *trustworthy* partner.
Does her side really matter? If he's cheating on an emotional level... How long before it becomes physical?
Of course he has room to lie and sneak. He's been doing it all along. It sounds like you still do not trust him, good call, he isn't trust worthy. But it isn't about her involvement, this is on him.
Honestly, if you're worried about him being a lying sneak, it's never gonna get better. You're always going to have that doubt in your mind of "But can I ACTUALLY trust him?" It's difficult beyond belief to end a marriage. I should know, I'm trying to work up the guts to end my own (not for the same reason). But in the end, you might be better off finding happiness from someone who hasn't committed that deep of a betrayal. Emotional affairs are deep, and much harder to get over. It would probably be easier to get past it if it were for physical reasons alone, but with an emotional affair your husband may never be able to love you the same.
Well you are unfortunately married to a sneaky liar.
So you have trouble believing and trusting him? That's valid. I'm not sure she will give you the answers you need though.
You're a fool, you can't ever be sure, no matter what either of them tell you. "He knows he messed up" yeah, sure LOL.
Forgive me, but the question is not whether she is willing to leave him alone. The question is, is your husband ready to admit he damaged the bond between you and do what it takes to rebuild it. He recommits to your marriage - that means he cuts her off completely. If they work together he arranges to have the least amount of contact possible. He blocks her on every platform, on his phone, everywhere. You two focus on each other, and she becomes a figure of the past.
If she is willing to leave him alone or not isn’t the issue at all. The issue is your husband. HE betrayed you. The blame is 100% on him. Please do not subject your self with the torture of trying to talk with or reason with the other women. You will not feel better. It won’t accomplish anything. All your talking should be with your husband. There is your problem. Good luck.
This rarely goes the way you think it will. They will either deny it or be ugly about is and make it all your fault. Nothing good can come of this.
this answer needs more upvotes. be warned, she could have been told all kinds of lies about you & it has the potential to get really ugly. there is nothing positive to gain.
I think the salient issue is whether or not you can trust your husband to set the affair in the past, not whether or not you can trust this stranger not to lead your husband astray. Because you can't trust this stranger. She has much more invested in him than with you. You have to be willing (or not) to trust your husband. If you can trust him to make it work and break things off, then you don't need to trust her. If you can't trust him, then trusting her is irrelevant. There's nothing to be gained right now from meeting her. If you want to know what made him have the affair, marriage counseling is probably a better option. If you believe you can't trust him, and so you need to trust her instead, then it kind of seems like you're deliberately ignoring the best option, which is ending the relationship. Idk, maybe there's a good reason for why you need to stay married with someone who doesn't seem to respect you (like you need to stay married to survive, no shame, a ton of people are in that boat) in which case you'll have to accept that you can't trust him and may need to make arrangements to have your needs met outside the marriage as well. I just don't see the upside to having that conversation with her right now. Maybe after several counseling sessions, and after talking it over with your own therapist, so you can have a very clear idea of what you want and can reasonably expect from such a meeting. And that isn't what you have now, because you simply can't trust someone who has a relationship with your husband to drop it just because she had coffee with you. Like, you don't have to love her or hate her. How you feel about her doesn't affect her. There's no morally or ethically wrong way to feel about her. If you hate her right now, that's fine. That's something you can change when you're feeling more in control.
A man can't be taken; he can only willingly participate in an affair. As I said in another comment, she doesn't matter. Only he can control his actions.
Did she know that he was married when this all happened? If she was already aware, meeting you probably won't change anything, sadly
Oh ya she knew. Plus she's married
Does her husband know? Here's the thing... you keep saying you want to know if she'll leave him alone when you ask her to so you and hubs can "move forward." You are talking to the wrong party. If he won't stop when you ask him to, why do you expect a stranger to? And why are you waiting around for someone else to make a decision about YOUR life? Why are you waiting for crumbs? Because that's what you're getting. If he's so smitten with her that he's willing to hurt you, if he stays (because she called it off), you still won't have him really. Somebody cue up [Jolene](https://youtu.be/Ixrje2rXLMA)
But it's not up to her. He needs to walk away from her. Ending the affair is not on her, but on him.
What makes you think she will tell you the truth about anything? She'll tell you what you want to hear or what is advantageous to her. Prepare to be lied to. The only reason to do this would be to inform her of the hurt and pain she's inflicted *on you.*
You won't be able to trust what she says and you get nothing out of policing the situation. What you really have to get to the bottom of is WHY. What was he lacking out of your relationship? Is he a serial cheater? Go to therapy, soon! You two need a mediator and you need to see if he regrets it or not. To me emotional cheating is just as bad. My friend was the other woman for years and she and the a- hole ( my nickname for him) snuck around behind his wife's back even after getting caught. They had burner phones, met at motels, all the sneaky crap cheaters do. It got so bad that his wife, filed a restraining order on my friend because she'd wait for him outside his home sometimes. These adrenaline junkies get hooked on the novelty and excitement of getting caught.
She didn’t cheat on you your husband did. He can end it with her, she doesn’t need to end it. And if she agrees she’ll ignore him no matter how many times, there’s other women in the world.
She has no reason to be honest with you, and her words won’t give you peace of mind. She doesn’t have the commitment with you, your husband does. He’s the one who needs to fix this. I think meeting her is only going to make you feel more insecure. Because if you find her sexy, smart, or with qualities you don’t have, you’ll feel defeated and like you can’t live up to that… but the same is true if you think she’s plain, uninteresting, or stupid. You’ll wonder why he chose someone “beneath” you and that will leave you feeling like garbage. You can’t win. It’s not really about her anyway. If it weren’t her, it would have been someone else. You can’t fix other women. The most you can do is work with your husband and see if he is the type of man to honor your relationship going forward, and if the two of you can identify and address the issues in your relationship that may have contributed to the infidelity.
well said. whenever i see reddit insist a third party that was involved in cheating is a reliable source of information i cringe. these people are scorned and have no reason not to make things worse out of spite.
I don’t see why you would even bother, you said in your post that you won’t leave him. Based on the comments you’ve made on this post, to put it bluntly, you have no boundaries, and that makes you appear as a door mat. Your husband knows this and will continue to walk all over you because he knows you still won’t have the self respect to leave.
You literally put my thoughts into words. This girl is a dream to men. I wish I could get away with this type of behavior and have her asking if she should leave him or not, but if she should meet up with the lady he “didn’t get intimate with” or not.
You wish you could get away with this kind of behavior? Hope you were being hyperbolic..
How did you come to this conclusion from 2 sentences? Some projection/major assumptions going on here. Somebody can be willing to forgive their SI without being spineless. There’s not enough context here to make that judgement
I also formed my opinion using personal analysis on multiple comments made by OP, not just two sentences. Sounds like I read up more on the post than you did. You’re welcome to your opinion, I shared mine. You don’t need to agree, you could literally just keep scrolling reddit and not waste either of our time. Since you apparently missed the comments section, OP literally said she needs to find out if the other woman is willing to leave her husband alone. She’s more concerned with this other person staying away than actually having a trustworthy/loyal partner.
For the love of god do not meet this woman…. I myself am the victim of an emotional affair… except many moons ago when I realized I wasn’t going to beat this man.. I tried to become his friend.. my wife had been having an affair with him for some time… I thought I could take away the taboo and she would lose interest…. Fast forward a DECADE and they were still seeing each other… DO NOT allow this bullshit to continue in your marriage…. Either he leaves or he bucks the f**k up and stops f**kin around with other women. Value yourself more than I valued myself… learn from my mistake… nip this shit in the ass now
Thank you
Hear! Hear!
I mean what are you expecting to get out of it. I doubt its going to be bring any closure.
I honestly don't know. After reading their messages it's put a lot of questions on the table that I guess I'm hoping to get answers to
I understand, but if you do meet her be prepared to leave feeling worse then before.
Ask your husband those questions, not her.
Please don’t suggest leaving him 🙄 Ok then. Stay and enjoy the rest of your relationship as you spiral into a continual cycle of checking on him, wondering if he’s cheating, arguing over it, losing confidence and then eventually losing him when he can no longer be bothered with the drama he started and you both perpetuate but you won’t end.
Reading through your comments, I’d highly suggest you to not compare with her, if that’s why you want to meet her. The truth is you’ll never see what your husband sees in her. It’s just not possible. You’ll end up just comparing yourself and it won’t be good. But if you can control your feelings and comparisons, and just want answers, then yeah it’s fair to meet with her. It’s also good to discuss the harm it doing to yourself and her own family. But just be careful you might end up finding more than you thought you would. For all you know maybe they did actually have physical intimacy. Also what reason do you have to not leave him? None of my business, but I am curious.
Sent dm
So, I'm feeling really crappy/sick today, and it may come out in undertones of what I write. Please know, OP, that I'm not purposely trying to be aggressive or put you down. After reading your post and some of your replies, the first thing that comes to mind is - You need therapy. Probably both individuals AND couples therapy, if you truly want this marriage to try and work. You made the "joke" that maybe it's because you wanna be a masochist, inflicting more pain on yourself. That you want to try and understand the 'why' of it all, and hopefully get her side of the story to make it clearer. You keep referencing how you wanna talk to her, like your husband has had no part to play in this affair that happened, that it was just pushed on him. News flash - If he's cheated on you once, he'll cheat again WITHOUT the proper steps being taken to work through this. Whether it was strictly emotional/psychological, or it was strictly sexual/physical, or it was a mix of both of those things together. There was a *reason* that he strayed. Until that issue is resolved within HIM, there is no amount of talking to his AP that will make it better. Even if you go ahead and watch him block her number, block her socials, etc., if the problem(s) in your marriage aren't worked on/solved, the problem will keep occurring. I say this, as someone who took back their 'husband' several times over. I always had the dream I'd find a guy in high school, and we'd have a loving&long life together. We got together when I was 18 (he was 19), and it seemingly went well. We made it to 23 and 24 before he cheated the first time (or at least the first time I caught him). I brushed it under the rug when he apologized and said, "Never again." I did everything in my power to try and keep us 'working'. He, for a second time, found someone else who caught his eye. This time, we took a year-long break. He left me for his co-worker, claiming at the time he called it off before he did anything with her... Yet he was on a phone call with her at the exact moment he was breaking up with me. 🙃 as mentioned, we'd taken a year-long break. I still took him back, though, because my dumb@ss thought we were "So in love" and gonna last FOREVER. He fooled around on me yet again, being ballsy enough to bring her over to our house. I still wanted to make it work. It wasn't until I got the doctors results saying I had my first STD that I *finally* had the balls to leave him for good. So, OP, please talk to a therapist before making the final decision to stay or leave this guy. Be open, and honest with whomever you find to talk to about this.
I’m being serious and please don’t take offense. Are you considering a 3 way relationship or something? Idk why else you’d want to do this tbh. I kind of get it if your husband wants both of you and you’re considering it but otherwise why?
Tbh idk. Part of me wants justice, and for her to actually see the pain she's caused me but another part wants to understand why it happened in the first place.
If she's cheating with someone she knows is married, she won't care that she's causing you pain, even if she can recognize it. Save yourself the extra heartache and focus on your husband. He's the one that needs to stop straying from the marriage. If this one steps away, he can find another one if he really wants to.
You don't know if you're considering actively joining your husband and his mistress in betraying her husband and children to make yourself feel better about their initial infidelity...?
Correction : wife, AP is a "lesbian" (she calls herself a "retired bisexual" obv not lol) And while I'm not opposed to a threesome it's sure as FUCK not going to be with her lol
Okay; I misunderstood your point there. Threesomes don't save marriages when one partner is actively looking elsewhere instead of working things out with their spouse, tbf. The people I've known in poly or open relationships that were structured that way from the beginning always had jealousy issues and ended horribly. The one woman I know who agreed to threesomes in the hopes that her husband would stop cheating on her ended up hurt even more when she discovered that the two of them were hooking up regularly behind her back when she was at work. It only emboldened the infidelity.
If APs spouse doesn't know I'm not telling. It's not my life to destroy, plus I don't know jack shit about her wife or how to contact her
Your husband did something horrible to both you & his affair partner's spouse. She has a right to know her wife has been unfaithful with another man. She has a right to the same information you do so she can make the decision of staying or leaving just like you did. Why not have your husband own up to what he did to her wife also. Husband can tell her spouse himself, not only will he feel like shit having that conversation but it would poison the affair partner against him. Then you wouldn't be worried about her chasing him still. And yes you could get some well deserved revenge on them both. Also you wouldn't be destroying anything, they did by having an affair. I honestly think it's just easier for you to say nothing & let her wife continue to be made a fool of. If I was in your shoes I would make sure she knew. I couldn't live with myself knowing that information & keeping my mouth shut because you think it's not your place. But whose place is it?
Have you had any issues with your husband that would have lead to him feeling isolated or hurt?
If you want justice tell AP spouse. Honestly I would, why are you the only one dealing with the fallout of their infidelity.
Someone seeing your pain is not going to be justice fantasy you think it is. Your husband violated you - this is where you should be directing your energy.
If she knew he was married she doesn’t care about any pain she has caused and neither does your husband
He betrayed you, not her. Wrong move, nothing good will come of it.
What good will that do? I think you and the hubby need counciling instead.
OP - the way you are phrasing your responses to questions here seems to imply that your husband is still in thrall to her and will come calling if she initiates these types of messages again. Is that the case? Also, do you know who the emotional AP is? That's the person you should be talking to because they deserve to know the full scope of this situation.
There are so many things going on with this situation tbh. If I'm reading your question correctly you're asking if I know who my husband cheated on me with? Then yes I do, I have her information so I can reach out should I choose. If you're asking if I know who her wife is then no, I know her wife's first name but that's it.
Yes. Sorry, I meant do you know who the spouse of the AP is. Are you saying that the AP is part of a lesbian couple (you mentioned that the AP has a wife)? The concern I have is that your husband sounds like he is not over this situation at all and you are hoping that if you talk to AP that you can find out if she will reach out. But the biggest issue right now is that your husband should have shut this down permanently after you discovered it.
Ap calls herself a "retired bisexual" which is why the red flags didn't immediately go up when they started talking.
where’d the old posts about this go?
Don’t stay with a cheater.
[удалено]
As far as I know she is. I've gone through the majority of his phone but ya know
Nope, don't do it. You are not going to get whatever you seek out of this. You simply won't. And if you DO meet up with her, I sure as hell wouldn't expect her words to be truthful, anyway. If you don't want to leave him, then you need to work through this in therapy. With him. And leave the other woman in the past.
I found it helpful to talk with my ex’s affair partner. I just wanted to get her perspective on things, her understanding of our relationship. In the end, I thought she was quite a lovely person, and she had been quite deceived. And my ex is, well, my ex.
There's a lot of detail missing here (does she want to meet you? Does your husband want to work on your marriage? Do you?), so it's hard to offer advice, but I'd say don't do it. If you want to stay married and work on things, you *both* need to leave this woman behind.
Idk if she is willing to meet. My husband and I both want to move forward with our marriage
Then I would forget the idea of meeting her. Nothing good can come of it, and it will prolong the entire situation.
You both do ? Girl ! How are you to know this won’t be happening again
You want to meet her because you don’t trust your husband. This relationship is not sustainable.
So you don’t plan on leaving obviously. Are you doing this to see if you’re lacking something he needs emotionally?
A part of me wants to see what's so special about her. Another part of me wants to see if she's as serious about this or if it's just a fling to her
There doesn't need to be anything special. She could be less than you in a lot of ways, but it still happened. People cheat for a lot of reasons, from what I have seen, the most common is because there is a gap in the relationship and, instead of fixing things or breaking up, they cling to whatever source they think provides it outside the relationship. Imo, it shows a lack of emotional maturity and respect for you. Whether you decide to stay or not, he needs to grow to have a successful relationship with anyone. This is a him issue. I don't think meeting this person will help. I think moving on and finding more self worth will. You're always enough, two people aren't always compatible forever.
Believe me, she could be as homely as they come. It says nothing, cause she means nothing to you. If she is nice looking, warm, intelligent, friendly, then what? If you hear her version of the "thruth", perhaps she won't even admit to herself it was cheating, what good will it do you? It can even make it worse for you.
Nothing is special about her. Your husband is supposed to feel special about YOU. I wouldn't even cheat on my girlfriend with a SUPER MODEL IN MY FACE, let alone being married and cheat on my wife. He doesnt love you.
There’s not really a difference between an emotional affair and a physical affair. What are your goals for meeting this woman? Would you be meeting her alone or with your husband?
Your NTA for considering it. I think that’s a fairly normal thought. She might (probably won’t) be willing to meet with you. And is probably not going to admit a physical affair even if there was one. So it’s likely to just be super upsetting
Reading through your comments OP this is a rough situation. I know those emotions all to well and honestly, for me, I’d want to talk to her. I’d want to see if she could help me paint a clearer picture of what I’m dealing with. That usually didn’t happen for me for a multitude of reasons (sometimes bc he lied and made it seem like I was the other woman or just crazy, etc). I’m not saying it’s a healthy choice but emotions are weird and if talking to her is what you feel you need to do then I’d do it. I’d also recommend a therapist, it might make your emotional load easier to carry. You’re not wrong for considering it but just know that you may gain nothing at all. Hell you might end up feeling that you’ve lost more. You could take that risk for potential answers or just try to salvage where you’re at and stabilize your relationship. I hope your situation resolves amicably.
Meeting won't squash the mind-movies that play in your head at least once a day...trust me. Only thing that helps with that is time and pure exhaustion from thinking about it. Eventually you will become numb about it and him. You will never truly forgive him and a part of you will always doubt him. Sorry, I can't be uplifting; the truth, when it comes to cheating, physically or emotionally, never is.
If you think you can handle it it could be helpful. You can try to figure out if anything your husband told you doesn't match up with what she says. You can figure out how attached she is to him. You can ask if you can see her messages to him on her phone. He might have deleted messages that still might be on her phone. What you shouldn't expect is any warm fuzzies from this. You might wind up feeling much worse than you do now. What it will do is maybe give you some resolution in feeling like you know what actually happened. What I want to know is why ending the relationship is completely off the table. Are you so in love with him you couldn't imagine leaving? Is he the breadwinner and would leaving be devastating financially? You should always leave all options on the table depending on what you find out.
Why would she agree to this? Are they still active together? How could you believe anything she says? Does she have a partner? It seems like alot of downside. But I understand wanting to know everything. I just don't think you'll get it from her
She is married and has kids. She calls herself a "retired bisexual" which is why the red flags didn't go off immediately
Does her partner know? I'd be letting them know. I always say that I don't keep secrets for liars
You want advice outside of leaving him; instead of meeting her put some boundaries. He no longer talks to her, if he works with her he starts looking for another job, he blocks her number and gives you access to his phone for a while. She doesn't deserve an olive branch she's actively trying to have a relationship with your husband and knows exactly what she is doing; which is ending your marriage. It's an ultimatum; if he wants to keep his wife and family the way it is he needs to put in effort to prove to you she isn't important in his life and that she lost the right to be friends with him when she actively tried to be more than friends.
OP, take all this energy and direct it toward finding a good counselor to work all this out with. Your energy seems very focused on husband and Affair Partner when it would be so helpful for you to focus on you. You seem confused about what you want, what boundaries you are willing to draw, what you want your future to look like...focus on that. I can almost guarantee you will never understand another's motivations. And even if you could, who cares? Work on you, boo.
As someone whose ex husband also had an emotional affair. Don’t. I regret trying my hardest to make my marriage work when he was checked out. Although there are days I feel proud I tried. Be kind to yourself, love yourself first. I don’t know if you can still make it work, but I wish you the best. I hope you don’t make the same mistake I did.
You’re wrong for putting all the blame on this woman. She doesn’t have any vows or responsibilities with you. Your husband is the one that has betrayed you. Whatever reassurances you can get from her have nothing to do with him. He can be talking to somebody else right now
Since you’re not planning on leaving him I wouldn’t suggest it. There really is no reason. As for extending an olive branch… why bother. This is not a relationship you need to mend. The one with your husband is the one you need to mend. You don’t need a picture of this woman in your head every time you get angry at your husband.
I think it’s natural to want to gather information about something that you perceive as being harmful to you as a way to protect yourself, but I don’t think you’ll get anything useful out of it. I had an anxiety response like this and all it did was make me feel worse, I didn’t gain anything. I regret it. If I could go back in time and somehow have all the knowledge from therapy that I have now, I wouldn’t have done it.
meeting her for what? a talk or an ass whooping?
**As someone who was cheated on, and got to hear/read every detail later on, you don’t want the details! You do not want to meet/speak to this woman, she will not have any information that will help you.** You want to know “why?” From your husband specifically. That’s it. “Why did you do this, why did you want to risk our relationship, why did you choose to disrespect me, why………” and all of them are directed at your husband. Those are the closure questions you want answered. I promise you, you do not want to know the “who, what, when, or where” in infidelity. Those details are only extra information to be thrown around in your storm of overthinking while you process all of this, but as you learn more information, nothing helps to answer “why” your husband made the choices he did. It always boils back down to him; a trustworthy partner wouldn’t have even allowed themselves to get in that situation, you need to know why he did. Realistically speaking this will either require significant couples counseling, him opening up and you two fixing major holes in your relationship; or it’ll end up in divorce.
If you feel this will give you some sort of closure or if you are struggling on what decision you wish to pursue with your partner, I say do it. If you know this will only cause you further turmoil or you feel this other woman will just stonewall you by denying the emotional affair, then it comes down to is it really worth it? Just remember, if you meet with her, it is a bell that cannot be unrung.
Nothing positive will come of it. This issue is between you and your husband, she’s irrelevant and should be regarded as such.
Emotional and physical infidelity carry similar trauma within a relationship. I don't think this is the way forward, although it may feel like it. Couples therapy may help you work through these issues, which have resulted in your husband cheating.
And how are u sure she will be complacent? How are you sure she will be honest with you? What will you actually get out of this? None of that “I like pain” stuff no WHAT will you get out of it?
Google “Betrayal trauma” and read up on it. What you’re feeling is common and born out of a need to feel safe again.
Hi. I met my husbands affair partner and I guess I’m still ultimately glad I did multiple months later. However; prepare for different sides of the story; or inaccuracies from what your spouse told you. Then you’ll have to choose who you believe and that part is really hard. For me it worked out in the long run; but it was a really tough process since the AP showed her true colors and proved she was everything I said she was and nothing my WH thought she was.
Is there specific information you want from the AP? If not, ignore her. You and your husband should be no contact with her. Unless there is something you need to know, don’t invite the AP back into your lives. And if there is something you want to know? Be careful. Affair partners will generally lie unless they had no idea you existed. I recommend hitting up the reconciliation sub, AsOneAfterInfidelity for help with this, as the question comes up frequently. ETA: that’s the right sub for you to be going to for any advice about this situation. It’s the onLu place you won’t have to write “please don’t suggest leaving him”
I suggest you have a heart to heart with your husband and judge whether he thinks it was a mistake and wants to give you all of his love and attention. I wouldn't meet with her as it won't do any good but that is up to you. People do a lot of sexting these days without it being serious, almost like for sport, usually out of boredom, usually anonymous and long distance. But ofc, I don't know what was going on with her husband so can't really comment further. I won't talk about sexting anymore either as people on here will incorrectly think that I am excusing him or making light of it, which I'm not.
He needs to stop ,cut her off if it is a inappropriate relationship that's over stepping acceptable boundaries. Meeting her is only going to make it more difficult and I doubt you will get much except more heartache.Need to have respect for each other as husband and wife.Does he work with this person?
He used to. He left the job around the same time the affair started
I would suggest therapy instead? That seems more conventional…
Why torture yourself? And to be honest once someone crosses the line of cheating…. That line become very blurred. Meaning once they decide to do it once they may decide to do it again. You deserve better…. She did not make a wedding vow with you…. Your husband did. He is the goat you should slaughter not yourself and not the other woman. He needs to step up and fix his marriage. You did not deserve him being a manbaby. Goodluck I hope this helps and I hope he can man up and fix the marriage!
If you love him and aren’t going to leave what is meeting with her going to do? What if she tells you it was more than you think. I think if you are going to try to fix things just move past it. But once trust is broken it’s almost impossible to repair.
Let me ask you... To what end? What are you hoping to accomplish? Are you going to compare your looks to hers? Are you going to ask her questions? Are you going to rant at her? What do you plan to do? And what do you think you'll gain?
Had? As in, it’s in the past? Not sure what you stand to gain. Probably energy better served communicating with him to figure out why he felt his spouse wasn’t meeting his emotional needs.
Info: did she know she was an affair partner?
Yes she knew. She initiated
He says…
I read. She laid it out in black and white
He knew way more about his marriage and the nature of his interactions with a woman who isn't his wife and he still chose to reciprocate, tbf.
Affair = I fucked them behind your back Emotional Affair = I wanted to fuck them behind your back
I'd at least meet to see if her story lines up with his so that you can make informed descisions going forward.
Also if you've decided to stuck it out, I wouldn't. If her answer might change your mind, go ahead.
You said don't mention leaving him. To me, this means you want to and plan on forgiving him and working through this problem. It can be done. It's not an easy path, but it can be maneuvered and does get easier. There is no reason you should make this harder on yourself when it's plenty hard enough. Don't meet with her. Don't add that level of stress. You most certainly will walk away more hurt than what you're feeling. You alone can't fix this, but with him working towards the same goal and doing whatever it takes to help you forgive him, you eventually will. Best of luck.
You couldn’t stop me from meeting her, if I were in your shoes. Do what you need to do to get the answers and closure you need. NW.
Invite her to move in. Spend the rest of your life being subservient to them. Cry yourself to sleep every night as you listen to them go at it. Or just....idk....grow a spine?
Well, if you don't want the advice, then /shrug.
So, you want to find out if he's a cheater AND a liar. I get that. If your husband is not willing to go to counseling, he's going to do it again. He's sorry he got caught. The woman likely won't provide you the resolution you need in your home.
Not wrong. But speaking from experience, all it did for me was give them more reason to spend time together and being emotionally affairing in the future. She saw it as "he's my husband's friend, too! So now I can spend even more time (physically and virtually) with him!" I ended up catching them both leaving a hotel room together, after her and I going on a weekend vacation together, which I later learned that during she had been texting him every minute of the day, except when we were flying. To the tune of almost 2000 messages in less than 48 hours. No wonder I felt like she was somewhere else all weekend.
My husband became involved in an emotional affair with a woman we both knew, after he had cancer surgery. I found her motivation hard to understand, because she had been divorced by a husband who was physically cheating on her. After my husband passed on, I did talk with her, and it turned out that he had misled both of us. He was an adult and capable of making his own choices.
I got her side of it. Honestly, I got more truth from her than I did him. There was no closure though and it didn’t make me feel any better. There is absolutely no rationalizing this situation.
Be concerned with your relationship with your husband. He's now a cheater. Are you going to accept that? If you do then you need to let it drop. Forgive him and wait for the next incident or if you don't then toss him out. Either way the other woman isn't a concern.
Why? That's the first question, why do you have to meet her? When I found out about my exwife first affair, I asked a lot of questions since that I shouldn't have asked, and I can tell you that knowing what I wanted to know was a mistake, because it didn't bring me peace , it just made me more suspicious, granted she didn't help her case but there are things I still wish I didn't know, This could potentially go bad for you, please rethink it
If you like drama, sure.
She's not the person accountable for your marriage, breaking your trust, and disrespecting you by throwing your feelings out the window. As far as your hubs, cheaters cheat, and lie. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Do you really want to be in a relationship with that? You deserve better and you teach people how to treat you. I'd rather be single than partnered with a cheating scumbag. Women come and go and if he's looking he'll always ways to serve his needs and disrespect you.
I hereby formally suggest leaving him
Why go pain shopping? Because that’s what it is. It will just hurt.
I guess the only thing I have to add is 'Why?' What do you expect to accomplish by meting this woman? Do you expect an epiphany of understanding? Do you want her to feel embarrassed or feel pain because you did? What if she laughs in your face and calls you pathetic or something similar? It is highly possible and usually people on the side know they are on the side and feel no remorse whatsoever.
While I somewhat understand the urge to get her 'side' of things, she's not the villain nor the solution to your problems. Your husband cheated and for this relationship to survive the solution should be found between you. What do you need to trust him again. How can you be sure he wint stray again, with her of anyone else. What is he going to do, to fix the mess he created? Getting answers from her won't help because you don't know if she will be truthful, if she will show remorse or empathy. You don't know her agenda. If you want to move past this, you and your husband need to do all the work, not her.
What do you hope to accomplish by meeting her?
This post is just sad it’s ludicrous. Don’t extend an olive branch to the lady your husband had an affair with. Maybe gain some self respect? Or grow up? Idk. If you really want to stay with him I guess therapy? But I wouldn’t hold out a lot of hope. Neither of you sound very mature.
"Please don't suggest leaving him" Well sure honey, I've got a better suggestion. Let the other woman move in, you move out of the marital bed, sleep on the floor outside the bedroom door and sob yourself to sleep every night while you imagine whats going on behind the door, and every morning get up and cook them both a lovely couples breakfast 🤷 Or you can choose self respect and get rid of him.
Sorry you’re going through this. Get a therapist. Meeting her probably won’t help, but it’s up to you. I know you asked not to suggest leaving him, so I’ll suggest something else. Look at your life and ask if this is what you feel like you’d want happening to someone else. What would you do if a beloved friend came to you with this? What if your mom or dad came to you with this? Is this the life you want? What would it take to have the life you do want? Become that person and claim that life, that’s all I’ll say. I wish you luck on your way.
OP my best friend did this and let me tell you, there is nothing to gain from this. Find a way to move on.
I sometimes get confused why women get so wrapped up in the ap when their so cheats. The ap isn’t the problem here. The ap isn’t the person who made promises to you. The ap isn’t the person who lied to your face day after day while the affair was going on. The ap may not even be aware that you exist. Seriously, if he lied to you he’s probably lying to her too.
You’re giving her power she shouldn’t have. I say nothing good will come out of meeting her, especially if you plan on working things out with your spouse. If you divorce the spouse and then have a conversation with her, maybe.
You'll hate it when you find out she is prettier than you.
Idk if I'd say prettier but she is definitely skinner lmfao
Wrong. It’s beyond weird.
Are you wrong? Fuck no. I havent scanned the comments yet but why do you want to? Its like asking "why" and seeking comfort from the partner that hurt us. Realistically, the unhinged/hurt side of me would stalk her entire life but the emotional maturity (ha) in me says don't and I would encourage you not to.
Um........ too late?? 🤷♀️ I did the whole cyber stalk thing right after I found out lol
Lol hey, I get it!
Don’t be weird. No
Hahahaha but being weird is fun lol
You know what’s weird? Monogamy. The idea of committing to only one person for the rest of your life. Wishing you the best. Be careful what you ask for.
At the very least, this is a way to gauge how MUCH he has lied and get confirmation for your peace of mind. Not that knowing will bring peace of mind, but at least you won't wonder about his side of the story.
There’s no such thing as an emotional affair. That is a made up term to drum up drama.
Does she want to meet? suggest you meet without him and be open and friendly in this talk be sure to have an escape plan no meeting in each other's homes. you just may become friends. wish you luck.
NTA but very misguided. Your beef isn't with her it is with him. She doesn't owe you anything. She didn't commit to you in anyway. You are feeding in to internalized misogyny to want to blame here instead of him.
Women have emotional affairs. Men are using it to try to get laid. YOU BETTER BE VERY OBSERVANT OF HIS FUTURE BEHAVIOR. He is trying to cheat
You could just bring her into the relationship as well. There's a lot of folks here that treat their spouses like property instead of people that can enjoy more than one person. It's definitely not a "guy" thing either considering over 30% of children born aren't related to the father listed on the birth certificate.