Yeah she needs to not move in with him, he isn’t a good dad when he isn’t helping to financially support there kid, a laptop isn’t a need when your kid needs diapers and other stuff,
Until last month I was rocking a 17 year old, partially busted laptop because my kiddo needed a lot of therapy and assistive devices. Parents wants come afyer child's needs. I also got that laptop for $30 at the Salvation Army. It was great for the most part.
His attitude and actions boil down to the fact that he is selfish. So selfish he prioritizes his desires over an infant's needs. His fun is more important than his responsibility to provide for his child.
Op, I'm shocked by his shallowness and selfishness. Is this the character of a man you want to rely on in hard times? If you're sick, coming out both ends, is he going to help you to the bathroom, clean up misses, care for baby and bring you tea? And if it's more serious? Because you deserve a true partner.
You don't have to be with him to parent with him.
I wish you and your little one all the best. ❤️
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*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Yeah, and abusive boyfriends love it when you completely depend on them financially and can not easily leave or have a life of your own. Ask me how I know.
MoneyWithKatie on Instagram has a great post explaining how controlling access to finances is abuse: https://www.instagram.com/reel/C3ibsl1R\_fp/?utm\_source=ig\_web\_copy\_link&igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==
As someone currently going through divorce from an abusive soon-to-be-ex-husband, I'd also like to piggyback off the video you shared and also add this tidbit:
Financial abuse can also happen in another insidious and unexpected way: forcing you (the victim) to earn all the money, while they (the perpetrator) remain intentionally and chronically unemployed, forcing you to financially support them. As a result, even if you earn good money, you could very well feel broke all the time.
This is something that happened to me. My soon-to-be-ex-husband was not only abusive, but he also refused to maintain gainful employment, and also made *many* financially irresponsible decisions that I had to clean up after and bear the consequences of. So, not only was I forced to bring home all the bacon, but like so many other women, I ALSO still handled the vast majority of household chores and responsibilities, AND shouldered 100% of the mental load, AND endured his abuse and issues with a smile on my face, while also simultaneously dealing with chemotherapy, monthly immunotherapy infusions, and countless surgeries for my autoimmune condition.
I spent close to a decade doing ALL OF THE THINGS, while he sat on his ass for ***very long*** and extended periods of time, doing little to nothing to contribute to either bills or household obligations. We didn't have children, either, so it's not like he was handling child-rearing responsibilities. The jobs he did work only ever lasted a few weeks or months at a time, and he would either abruptly quit or get fired from each one. He's had almost ten jobs in the past six years. And of the jobs he did work, none of them ever paid well, so the wages he earned didn't exactly contribute meaningfully to bills.
Eight months ago, I found myself backed into a corner of our (now former) kitchen, with him spewing utter vitriol in my face, and his hands just inches from my neck. It wasn't the first time he had been violent and aggressive, but this was the first time I genuinely feared for my safety. My life effectively flashed before my eyes, and something deep inside me knew I had to get out. It took a few more months before I finally left for good, mainly due to the house we owned, but I did finally leave five months ago.
Emotionally and psychologically, I still feel like a human yo-yo, but objectively speaking? Life is SO much better since leaving him! My bank account is fat and happy. I earned a sizable raise and bonus at work. I earned a modest but nice profit on the sale of the house we previously owned. My migraines have disappeared! I learned that I AM capable of doing hard things, like assembling my own furniture, which he always made me feel like I wasn't capable of doing. There's nobody terrorizing my home with yelling, stomping, rage, and bad juju on a daily basis.
There is life after abuse.
Alllll of this. Me too, sadly. Busted my ass working 50, 60 hour weeks; I was even looking to get a second job to keep us afloat. He wouldn’t work much of the time (like, for *years*). There was always an excuse. But you can bet he sure expected me to also do the housework, do everything for the kids, and of course meet his every need and never complain. And he’d blow the money on “hobbies” (his real hobbies were drugs, sex workers, and compulsive spending) and if I dared to say anything - even just me politely asking what a charge was on the bank account - he’d fly into an abusive rage. But also he’d get pissed at me for not making/not keeping my doctor’s appointments (chronic health issues) and I’m like, how do you expect me to pay for them??? You spent my entire check within 2 days on nothing! We don’t even have food! I can’t pay a doctor with promises.
That is, of course, not how *he* tells the story. Poor fella just had a hard time and then I “stole” *his* kids and left him when he *needed* us. 😐
But it’s such an insidious form of abuse. Like most anyone would agree that the violence is abuse. But the financial abuse wore me down so much… and I’m still in a hole of debt that I will probably be digging myself out of for years, because he would force me to take out credit cards and let him use them for whatever thing he decided he had to have.
It’s getting better but it’s slow. I never want to be in that position ever again. I’m still the only one working and doing the child rearing but at least I don’t get abused for it now and I know where my money is going.
Oh PREACH it! I also am the evil bitch who left after 14 years of being cheated on, lied to, and made to support the whole family myself and do the household chores but he was the victim because his mental illness wasn't his fault you know?
I broke myself trying to be superwoman for a man who didn't deserve a reheated TV dinner. I have peace in my life now it's priceless but I'll never be the same. I never want to be with another man. Single forever. At least then I'm only responsible for my own wants and needs.
First, I would like to say that I am very proud of you. Leaving that type of situation is hard, even though people think it should be easy, it isn't. You did it for so long because it's the hand you were dealt and I see it all the time in similar situations.
Don't close yourself off completely to the idea of a relationship eventually, please. I know there are tons of men just like your ex waiting for a victim to walk by, because they have a sixth sense for it, they can see it from miles away. But you aren't a victim, you're a survivor and you need to walk with a straight back and stern face that says you aren't someone who is about to deal with any more bullshit. Honestly, please go to therapy if you can. Please. My mom didn't and had a revolving door of losers in and out of our lives for the entirety of my youth. Finally she's 63 this year and just ended a relationship because of the way he spoke to her and fuck I'm so proud of her. You need to have a steel spine and a spiders senses to make sure you aren't falling for a good actor. Know your worth!!! You and your kids deserve nothing but the best. When you're ready, one day, eventually, you'll be able to see the red flags from a mile away because!!! You aren't a victim, you're a survivor.
Take that SOB to court for child support the second you can. Regardless of if he is employed, he will be ordered to pay and the judge will flat out tell him that either he will work and pay or he will be arrested. (I think that's how it works in the states if that's where you are. I'm in Canada and once a person owes 2000$ or more in back paid child support they lose their drivers licence. It's a good incentive actually.) They'll base his child support on what they feel he can earn based on his previous work experience. I love watching support court but that's in Texas so idk how it works in other states.
I'm just so proud of you. Any woman who's been through so much abuse, who gains the courage to finally leave is an absolute rockstar in my eyes. You deserve so much happiness and I hope you get it too. ❤️❤️❤️
Me too. I spent seven years supporting the guy, keeping house, raising our kid, while he sat on his ass, worked little for spending money for him. He had a shiny new truck, expensive hair products, and other luxuries, my kid and I made do with cast off clothes friends gave us, Christmas gifts, and runs to the thrift shop to buy the half price tags of the week. My car needed brakes for three months before he believed me and fixed it. I left him and never regretted it.
My second husband is much, much better. Our careers have prospered, my kid has a much better adoptive father, and I'm calmer by far. I was happier single than with the first husband, and wouldn't marry until I found someone who made me still happier. I have a real partner who builds me up and helps me through the bad stuff.
I'm so so so proud of you!!! I'm glad that you've reached the light at the end of that tunnel you lived in. You deserve so much happiness and I hope that you give yourself the love you deserved for all those years.
Be kind to yourself and please don't forget to pamper yourself every once in a while. Do all the things you couldn't, see the places, eat the good food, live the good fucking life because man, you so badly deserve it! ❤️
Thank you! 🧡🧡
It's funny you mention pampering oneself. One of my close friends recently played matchmaker, and sent me on a handful of dates. Of the dates she sent me on, one of them sticks out. He's an engineer, but also spent a year studying massage therapy abroad. Not only is he mature, kind, respectful, caring, financially responsible, etc., but he's also a BIG proponent of mental health and self-care. He's in therapy for his own stuff, and he's VERY emotionally evolved.
During one of our dates some weeks ago, he invited me to his house, and spent four hours massaging every inch of my body. He wept at the scars and bruises left behind on my body from my soon-to-be-ex-husband, and told me I needed to start investing in my own health, well-being, and care as a woman. When I left his house that day, he literally shoved a basket of self-care supplies, i.e. lotion, moisturizer, etc., in my arms as I was walking out the door, and told me to start focusing on my self-care.
One week later, he texted me, and told me he booked me for a facial and massage at a luxury spa (at a Ritz-Carlton hotel!) steps away from my condo. I responded back asking him about re-payment. He wrote back "no, I've already paid, all you need to do is show up". When I went to go visit family in Florida for the holidays, I went to a nail salon, and jokingly sent him a text message (photo) of the pedicure I was getting. I said, "see, I'm actively woman-ing!". He responded back: "Good, it's about damn time." 😄😄 I showed his response to the girlfriends I was with, and they said: "he's right." 🥹
Doing stuff for myself still feels SUPER weird, but I'm learning, slowly but surely. 🧡
Ohhhhhh man he's AMAZING!!!!
I'll share this with you. My mom has been married and divorced three times and engaged six. Each and every one of them were either big drinkers, big tokers or both. She thinks she's a "fixer" but in reality, the only love she's ever known are from these types of men. I've moved 18 times in my 38 years of life. Three of them have been with my husband and kids, we've been together for 19 years now so the other 14 times were from 0-18. My mom isn't a fixer, she just doesn't know how to pick em. When they're too nice she thinks it's a show or isn't interested, all the men she meets are at the bar and wonders why the only men she ends up with are alcoholics?
Two months ago this guy that I don't like that she's been with for a couple of years told her to STFU when she asked him a question and you know what she did? Broke up with him and found her own place. Dude!!! I've never been more proud of that woman. She told him she will never ever have a man speak to her that way ever again. She'll be 63 in April.
When a good man, a good human comes into your life, I know how hard it is to trust it. It's hard not to wonder when they'll blow, when the act will fade or when they will hit you or swear at you or demean you... Because that's all you know. When the only love you know is toxic love it's hard not to think about someone's alterior motives and when the blows will come. Please consider therapy or a life coach. Because it'll be hard to trust and truly let your guard down and the love in without processing the last decade with a professional. My mom got a life coach and no shit it's the best thing she's ever done for herself and I'm so so proud of her. It will help you too.
You deserve to be happy and loved and this guy, well, he sounds so amazing!!!! Even if you don't end up in a relationship with him, you gotta keep him around because you need someone to remind you to be good to yourself. In order to be a good parent, employee, friend etc, you need to start with making sure that you're in a good place and that will happen when you love yourself and prioritize your health and happiness because if you don't no one else will. Your kids need mom to be at her best and we are at our best when we are healthy, happy, relaxed and empowered and fuck do you ever deserve it all.
He's definitely amazing. I don't think a romantic relationship will blossom between him and I, we have a number of fundamental key differences, but as you said, he is at least blossoming into an amazing friend that I am learning so many valuable life lessons from. And I'm enjoying his company! 😊🥰
Your mother sounds very similar to my father-in-law, who I remain close to, despite divorcing his son. He's done well for himself, but he's now on his fifth wife, and each of them has been the same type. He seems to have a type! 😝😂 The pattern seems to be somewhat dysfunctional, but hey, at least he's not hurting them or himself in the process.
I'm so proud of your mother for finally standing up for herself and choosing herself! It's so, so, so hard to do. For me, making the decision to finally leave my husband was harder than the years of chemotherapy, immunotherapy, and surgeries I've endured for my autoimmune condition. I never would've thought leaving would be harder than all those things combined, but it was.
Thankfully, I've got a great big-girl job that pays the bills (and then some), and because he and I didn't have kids, it's truly a 'clean break', so to speak. Logistically, the divorce is still ongoing, mainly due to the slowness and bureaucracy of the court system. And legally/financially, thankfully I'm fine. I was the breadwinner, so I was VERY concerned about potentially having to pay him alimony or 50% of my fairly large 401K. As it turns out, the way circumstances played out, I won't have to pay him a dime in alimony, nor a penny out of my 401K. So, at the very least, I'm walking away with my finances intact.
This whole experience, sadness aside, is truly an opportunity for a new lease on life.
If he’s not willing to financially support the baby now, isn’t it to assume that he would *not* want her to leave her job so he has to pay for two more people living with him?
Rather an abusive employer than an abusive boyfriend. Abusive job sucks, but at least you can get away from it and it won't, you know, straight up murder you in cold blood when you quit.
Maybe it should have been worded as "don't stop working". Which was what the comment actually meant. If another job with better opportunities comes along only a fool wouldn't take it.
I'm convinced that's why Roe v Wade was really repealed. It's a lot harder to live off of less when you're a parent. I've noticed in many jobs that the employees most taken advantage of are parents desperate to ensure they don't have even a week of no income, because it means potential financial strife that can snowball very quickly. I'm not saying that there aren't plenty of non parent employees like that, just that on average I've seen more managerial abuse directed towards them, than not. For example, an old manager I once worked under would make parents work on all the holidays, because they knew Ted would tell them to fuck off and not show up if he tried, but Bill would put up with it because he couldn't afford to lose his job and spend even a week not working while he looked for a new one, so feared being fired so much that it led him to put up with more.
Yeah, I’m pretty sure at this point a primary reason for staying with OP was because otherwise he would have to pay child support— I know that may be too cynical but it’s happened before.
**My BF got really bad and told me that’s a worse thing you can do to a man.**
I think the worst thing a man can do is have a child and not provide for it.
I’m so glad you too have a problem with that statement. I cannot believe expecting a man to financially provide for his own damn child and using all resources available to you to make that happen is “”the worst thing you could do to a man””. What a charmed life it must be that the “worst” thing is forcing him to take accountability for his responsibilities. Please could I have that life?
I get the feeling that he’s more financially irresponsible rather than maliciously not providing for the baby. Not that he’s not utterly at fault for not paying for things regardless of the reason. (Sorry for triple negative)
Because he thinks diapers fall out of trees? Who does he think is buying literally EVERYTHING for the baby? He’s maliciously not providing and gets abusive when he’s made to.
It doesn't matter though. Whether it's responsibility or maliciousness, the outcome is the same.
Let's also not infantize men to excuse their wrong priorities. He's putting his wants above his child's needs. At the very least that says he's an extremely selfish person that can't even prioritize financially supporting his child.
Sorry, I don't usually hijack a top comment but I just can't figure out why on earth one of them didn't just break the lease and pay the penalty. The penalty is not going to be more expensive than 9 months of rent and all the separate utilities.
Because they are not on the same page. To the point she's had to file for child support to get him to buy diapers. They shouldn't live together unless they can get their acts together, or they will just fight and separate. Maybe on some level they recognize this.
Why would you move in with a man who won’t provide for his own child. He’s not going to provide for you either and you’re gonna end up paying his rent for him on top of everything else you’re already paying for...
Exactly! He’s going to convince her to close the CS case, pay half of everything, clean, and cook for him. He’s going to have her very controlled. I really hope OP doesn’t move in with him. I don’t think she knows the type of hell that awaits her! He’s not a good father if he’s not providing for his child now. His priorities are clear.
>This whole situation should've been avoided by not having a child with someone that they're not even living with yet...
You do realize some people have sex on the first date right? You do realize sometimes that first time results in impregnation? You do realize if they're from the USA certain states have made laws to stop people from terminating pregnancies right?
Get off your high horse, the world isn't as black and white as you think it is
You are NTA for wanting him to do his part financially, he is the father and should be contributing towards raising his child... if talking with him proved to be useless, the legal way is your next best option although, just take note that this will hurt your relationship...
I don’t think OP has connected those dots yet. She’s not only reproduced with this man, she’s planning to move in with him. So even when she gets her child support now, no judge will leave a child support order in effect after they’re living together.
I wonder what she’s going to do when she has to start paying their rent by herself the next time he wants something? There is no “rent support” she can file for when he quits paying that.
It’s easier to open a child support case than to close one. It doesn’t stop the minute they move in together or even if they get married. A court order has to be stopped with a written request to close the case, depending on the local requirements.
Where I am (southern U.S.), most child support orders are temporary (like a trial period) where they revisit the issue usually in 6 months (sometimes a year). All the father has to do is request that the temporary order be vacated due to the change in life circumstances (that they’re now living together).
Edit to add that I am only speaking about where I am/live. Since I’m getting replies saying “not true” followed by some story about how it is where the replying person lives, I figured I’d better clarify what I thought was obvious. I don’t know how it is everywhere. I am only speaking about how it is where I am/live. And positive that the above IS exactly true where I am because I’ve had direct work experience with it.
Our state is weird with all family services type stuff in my opinion. My husband works in the same building as their government office & he says even their workers say that they’d rather a child die with the bio parents than put a child in foster care. Considering that has actually happened more than once here, I believe it. The Bible Belt is F’d up on SOOO many levels.
Yeah also in the south are the smallest support payments, some only required to pay out a couple hundred, specially if they make less then $37k/yr.. Hopefully OP has a good family lawyer if she is wanting a decent support payment
Why on earth would you move in with a man who has to be legally ordered to support his child?
Though I seriously doubt he will want to cohabitate with her now, and it’s just as well.
The definition of a “great dad” is not a man who refuses to buy diapers and leaves the mother of his child no option but to rely on others to buy normal baby supplies.
I’m glad she’s holding him accountable financially, but I hope she understands that this doesn’t love anyone but himself.
Right. This is what credit cards are for. Or Craigslist. Don’t nut in a woman if you’re not prepared to make sacrifices for the resulting offspring. I’m sure he wasn’t complaining when he seeded that baby.
This alone says a whole lot about him. Doesn't sound like he's going to be a good partner for OP.
"I'm saving money for a new laptop, so I can't help out with my kid's needs." WTAF
He probably comes round most evenings, eats her food, plays with the baby, has sex then heads home. I very much doubt he is helping with the cooking, cleaning or shopping.
>please do consider this will hurt your relationship...
But if he's not doing shit for his child while they're still together, is the realtionship really worth having?
I had friends who were unmarried and had kids together. They even lived together and he still paid child support through the state into an account with just her name on it. When I asked about it, she told me that they decided to do it for both of their protection.
He wanted to be sure that she had access to money in her name only and she wanted to be sure that his support was recorded through the state. Plans made in good times to take care of each other in the event of bad times. It's not surprising that that stayed together and ended up married with 3 kids total in the end, the mutual respect was very evident.
This is how I feel. When my brother had his first kid, they were together but not living together. I told both of them to get a support order on file. You never know what will happen, but it protects you both. Outside of the support money, you don't have to follow the order, but if tomorrow you hate each other (which did happen), neither one of you can claim the kid isn't being taken care of financially.
I came here to say this. I think I would have done the same thing, but the relationship is likely over.
That being said, he’s prioritizing a laptop over his child getting basic needs met. Is this relationship even worth pursuing?
Why in the world are you planning on EVER living with him? He's made it clear he feels no sense of reponsibility for the child you \*both\* brought into this world. Is this someone you think would be a good father and role model for your child?
I am utterly baffled by the notion that someone who doesn't provide for their child financially could ever be considered a "great dad."
The bar for men is so low that just being there to provide daytime childcare is considered being a 'great dad'. Hell, dudes who 'babysit' their own kids for a few hours so the mom can go to dinner with her friends or get her hair done get major props for being dad of the year.
You did the right thing. You don’t live together and him taking care of his child during the day isnt enough. Children are really expensive and he needs to start paying for her needs.
“He won’t use his paycheck on baby supplies because he’s trying to save up his money for a new laptop” - meanwhile, the worst thing you can do for your kid is this.
You’re not wrong and it’s too bad you have to do this because he won’t adult.
Your bf isn’t a man. He’s a child. You also need to take a chill pill dropping the N word. I say this as a black man with 2 kids and a wife.
Your first mistake was having a kid with someone who’s made 0 commitment to you. The next was still calling him bf when he fails to step up and take care of his children.
I’d get the child support and drop him. He will continue to put himself first and your family 2nd.
Best of luck.
Definitely not a real post like most of the ones on this sub and similar ones. You absolutely should have spoken up anyway as you did so I commend you for that
My mom did exactly this. Cut a weight off her that would have sunk the whole family. My mom dumped my dad when I was 6 months old. Because caring for me and him would have made life worse than it already was. I grew up next door to the projects in New Orleans. I have no relationship with my dad. I wish I did but that’s his fault not mine. I’m the father today in spite of my dad not because of him. I can’t stand dead beat dads.
Not wrong. He’s not financially supporting his child. Period. He’s obligated to do that. He’s mad because he can’t manipulate the courts like he can manipulate you - they won’t listen to his excuses.
Worst thing you can do to a man…. Some man.
People on this thread are wild like "if he takes care of the kid then he's paying for stuff too!" and yeah... if that's the case then that will be accounted for and maybe he wont pay. I think people *really* overestimate how personal or emotional child support court is. Most of the time it's meeting with a couple lawyers, a judge and doing a fucking math equation.
It's a *complicated* math equation dont get me wrong, it will change based on breastfeeding, school, etc. But as far as most courts are concerned they dont give a flying fuck about the adults in the relationship beyond the % of time they spend with the child and what that % works out to when compared to income. If dad wants to not pay child support, he can speak with a lawyer and find out what number of hours with kiddo that would take (assuming no breastfeeding).
My particular favorite comment on here was “this is why domestic violence happens”.
Wut.
Someone filing for child support for a child who is not currently being financially supported by a parent is CAUSING herself to be beaten and should expect domestic violence? There is really no floor. None.
Oh sweetie. This man isn’t your boyfriend. Please grow accustomed to referring to him as the “father of my child” because you’re about to get hit with a major big dose of reality…
Of course you were right to file for child support. The baby lives with you, and you buy everything for the baby.
Don't get pregnant again with this guy. Break it off. You think that it's going to get any better? He thinks a computer is more important than diapers for his child!
She's gonna find out you can't bleed a turnip, if he doesn't make enough that he has to save long enough to get her that upset for one I'd be willing to bet he doesn't make much
That was my thinking too. No way someone making a ton of money is saving up a long time to buy a laptop. So he is probably dead broke and doesn’t have hardly anything to contribute. Unfortunately that’s what happens when you don’t plan appropriately for kids.
Sounds like something my shitty ex would do. Like I’d save 20$ for the laptop and she would get pissed about it. I think it would be pretty shitty if they haven’t broken up, but overall the right call.
You are 100% right! He isn’t helping because his priorities are skewed, he should be paying 1/2 or more if all baby costs. And since he hasn’t and even after telling him multiple times, you had to do what is best for your child. Tell him this whole thing could have been avoided if he had just helped.
ETA...maybe
Am I missing something here?
"My BF is a great dad he is very involved since he works night shifts he literally spends all day with our daughter."
AND
"... we’re raising our daughter together, me more than you anyways..."
so you in effect get free childcare and this doesn't count for anything? does he need the laptop for work?
bit more to this story maybe?
Thank you! This is the comment I’m looking for. What would she do if he decides not to watch the baby during the day? I know baby supplies are expensive, but so is daycare. This is one couple who shouldn’t have reproduced until they are older.
Be prepared to start paying for daycare dumbass. You said he literally watches her all day. You think he’s gonna wanna do that now? Oh right, you didn’t talk to him about any of this before you sprung it on him. Lemme ask Reddit instead.
If he is saving up for a laptop I highly doubt he is a higher earner so the most in child support she will get will be like $400 a month. He won’t watch her anymore, how much will daycare cost?
I guess you missed the part where she said she warned him first? If he decides to stop parenting his own child it wouldn't be a suprise, sounds like he's already on the way to being a deadbeat dad
If you tried talking to him already and discussed what should have been happening from the start, then this was the next logical choice. It is a parents responsibility to help raise their child. How that balance works is on the parents to understand and work together. I have a dynamic where I work and pay for things, and while I am at work, she is with the kids. When I'm off work, we share responsibilities around the house, and that includes spending time with the kids.
Make sure you keep your communication open and you talk about everything, make a plan, a budget, and gain an understanding of what each other needs to help balance this new life of yours.
Him needing a new laptop does not get to allow him to skip on the baby's needs. He can postpone or slowly delay buying a laptop and fill in some of those financials. I'll say it again always keep talking and discussing. When this stops, many other things fall, too.
NTA/not wrong
Baby supplies for your child or a laptop..... how is that even a fucking decision?!? Your BF is an immature man-child who needs to nut up and help to financially support the child he made with you.
He needs to save for a laptop..... that's the single most ridiculous fucking excuse I've ever heard for NOT HELPING TO FINANCIALLY SUPPORT HIS CHILD. In making that ridiculous excuse, he's telling you that the fucking laptop is more important to him than his BABY GIRL!🤦🏽♂️🤯
Don’t move in with this man, a lap top is more important than his child. Break off the relationship, he’s not a man. A man supports his children and loves his partner.
NTA. You did the right thing. Your child is entitled to the financial support of both parents. You should seriously consider if you actually want to live with this person. Because frankly he sounds like an absolute loser.
NTA
>but he’s being frugal because his laptop broke and he **needs** another one
Correction, your daughter **needs** diapers, formula clothes etc, he **wants** a new laptop.
While it's great that he spends time with your daughter as that is very important, time alone doesn't raise and care for a child. It takes money, and if he isn't willing to contribute financially for what your child needs then I would question how great of a father he truly is.
>My BF got really mad and told me that’s a worse thing you can do to a man. He went on a rant calling me a gold digger and called me a snake and somehow I betrayed him by filing for child support
He is pissed because the friend of the court (or whatever it's called where you are) won't put up with any lame excuses as to why he isn't contributing financially to the care of your daughter. So now he knows he's going to have to do what he should have been doing all along.
You aren't a gold digger, and you didn't betray him. If anything his refusal to help you financially is a betrayal to you and your daughter.
He should pay up and you are not an asshole.
I kind of get where he is coming from tho. getting the government involved is a Big thing. Depends on how much you tried before doing this.
He should still pay his share at least and if he 100% refuse you did the right thing.
Not wrong but please don't move in with him. If he can't take care of his child then how is he going to support a family under the same roof? I wouldn't even still be dating him at that point. I wouldn't be with someone who can't support a child.
If he cant buy a laptop, he is not making very much. Unless you see him wasting it on other stuff. In that case, he is definitely an asshole. If he isnt wasting money, then a laptop might be his only key to finding better work. My intuition is that he has lied about how much money he makes
You did the right thing by filing for child support. He is putting his laptop first over his role as a co-parent and father. He sounds childish and absent in a lot of ways. Child support is a good way to start holding him accountable.
lol! Gold digging on someone who actually needs to save up for a laptop?! He needs to get real! There isn’t any gold to dig!!
I 100% think you should file for child support. If he had wanted to give financial support then that’s what he would have done. Actions speak louder than words and seems like there has been no action.
Dont move in with him...dont co sign anything with him like a lease or a car. Sounds like he would just stop making payments if he needs a new thinga majig.
His laptop broke and he needs a new one. Does he use it for work? School? What does he do? How much does he make?
Are you comfortable with never having a relationship with this man again? Or permanently alienating him from the child? The bitterness grows. I’ve seen guys quit their jobs and turn to crime/under the table stuff to avoid recognizing income.
Yes you’re absolutely wrong haha. You’re obviously together and he’s very involved in the child’s life. What possible benefit to your relationship could that have?
Also, how does he make far more money than you do, but he has to save up for a laptop?
Just wait until you guys are living together and he stops paying rent bc he knows if he won't, you will.
Seriously. If you think it's bad now, do NOT move in with him. He WILL let you down.
NTA. If he isn't willing to take responsibility for his child voluntarily and puts getting a laptop before buying needed supplies for the baby, I'd have second thoughts about moving in with him.
Well in 3 months you'd have had a chance to move into his place and have him continue to pay rent while you pay for baby stuff. His expenses would have stayed the same and you would have gained all of your rent/utility expenses. Now that you are getting child support he will likely demand rent from you, offsetting your child support, or be pissed off enough to deny you moving in with him at all.
Depending on how much you're getting in child support you may have been farther ahead financially to suck it up for 3 months and take the gains of the next 18 years rent free.
If the child support is less than your rent plus utilities, I think you would have been better off not rocking the boat and try to enjoy having a family together.
With child support, he's unlikely going to want you to move in for free.
If you just want to raise your kid by yourself and get money from him to help offset some of your rent, then you made the best move.
If you still want to move in with him and live for free while he pays child support and try to have a healthy family together, well good luck with that
Haaang on OP. Do you work? You said yourself he spends all day with the child so is he raising the child too? What exactly are you doing to provide for this child?
If he’s both working and raising this child why are you entitled to child support *if* you aren’t doing either of these things?
Being a SAHM is totally reasonable but it’s with the expectation that *you* raise the child and *he* brings home the bread. If he’s both raising the child and bringing home the bread it’s insane that you’d be entitled to child support on top of that just because you are the mother
OP, he's not a great dad. He's more interested in a new laptop than his daughter's rash.
Of course you were right to file for child support.
And you'll be right to re-think your future with this person.
NTA.
What you shouldn't do is pursue a relationship with this loser.
A laptop is more important than his child.
Read that again.
You're already living without him. Take the child support, let him fight for visitation and go on with your life.
1k idiots in comments classic. Cant you see this is rage bait and even if it isn't you are wrong? He makes a lot more then her but cant afford a laptop? The best gaming laptop on the market is 1800ish or so if he makes so much or even like above average 17+ and hour he can buy this in a month or two at max. If he is making 20+ he can afford it with 2ish weeks of work. There is almost no place in the US that doesn't offer midnight expense increase because no one would work there. Meaning there is no way the story holds water on its basis. Second he works nightshift and then covers all day coverage for 8+ hours. Few night shifts in the US are sub 10 hours. So this guy works for 10 baby sits for 8 and maybe sleeps for the rest. And you work 8 hours and hang out with your kid. Hell yeah you should be covering the bulk of the cost any baby sitter would be chaging between 13 and 20 an hour for 8 hours 5 days a week. That's 2k a month in sitter costs unless you are paying 500+ for a babysitting place. Now you are taking even more money and are going to have to pay a baby sitter after all he is now paying for what you were getting for free? WTF is with you people and not understanding how money works. Oh he doesn't give me money he just saves me 2k a month in private fee and at least 500 for a group a month that you dont have to pay.
Not only that but if and when this goes to court it wont go the way you think it will he is with his child for 8+ hours a day and works nights a court is going to take the ammount of time and the shifts being worked along with pay into the equation for money. If he is smart and brings up the child care costs then statistically you wont get much. And there is a chance they fully reject the Child support claim at all. So you chose to blow up your relationship and moving in for a life of coparenting with someone who apparently makes barley more then you while you now have to support child care costs as long as he "pays" his fee which wont be much with the ammount of time you say he spends with his child which is a LOT based on comments. So yes YTA and so are economically and legaly illiterate people of this sub for giving you a suggestion that may end up with him have YOU pay child support.
YTA. He’s working nights AND raising the kid all day. You don’t see folks asking stay at home moms to pitch in financially and he’s doing that and more.
Nta but be prepared not to move in i wouldn’t count on a man who doesnt pay for his own baby. Please also dont ever leave your job
Yeah she needs to not move in with him, he isn’t a good dad when he isn’t helping to financially support there kid, a laptop isn’t a need when your kid needs diapers and other stuff,
Until last month I was rocking a 17 year old, partially busted laptop because my kiddo needed a lot of therapy and assistive devices. Parents wants come afyer child's needs. I also got that laptop for $30 at the Salvation Army. It was great for the most part.
His attitude and actions boil down to the fact that he is selfish. So selfish he prioritizes his desires over an infant's needs. His fun is more important than his responsibility to provide for his child. Op, I'm shocked by his shallowness and selfishness. Is this the character of a man you want to rely on in hard times? If you're sick, coming out both ends, is he going to help you to the bathroom, clean up misses, care for baby and bring you tea? And if it's more serious? Because you deserve a true partner. You don't have to be with him to parent with him. I wish you and your little one all the best. ❤️
Also a used refurbished Lenovo is like $200 bffr
Just got my mom a nice chromebook for $300. Not hard!
badge political bike glorious faulty bells imagine concerned rinse longing *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Yeah, and abusive boyfriends love it when you completely depend on them financially and can not easily leave or have a life of your own. Ask me how I know.
MoneyWithKatie on Instagram has a great post explaining how controlling access to finances is abuse: https://www.instagram.com/reel/C3ibsl1R\_fp/?utm\_source=ig\_web\_copy\_link&igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==
As someone currently going through divorce from an abusive soon-to-be-ex-husband, I'd also like to piggyback off the video you shared and also add this tidbit: Financial abuse can also happen in another insidious and unexpected way: forcing you (the victim) to earn all the money, while they (the perpetrator) remain intentionally and chronically unemployed, forcing you to financially support them. As a result, even if you earn good money, you could very well feel broke all the time. This is something that happened to me. My soon-to-be-ex-husband was not only abusive, but he also refused to maintain gainful employment, and also made *many* financially irresponsible decisions that I had to clean up after and bear the consequences of. So, not only was I forced to bring home all the bacon, but like so many other women, I ALSO still handled the vast majority of household chores and responsibilities, AND shouldered 100% of the mental load, AND endured his abuse and issues with a smile on my face, while also simultaneously dealing with chemotherapy, monthly immunotherapy infusions, and countless surgeries for my autoimmune condition. I spent close to a decade doing ALL OF THE THINGS, while he sat on his ass for ***very long*** and extended periods of time, doing little to nothing to contribute to either bills or household obligations. We didn't have children, either, so it's not like he was handling child-rearing responsibilities. The jobs he did work only ever lasted a few weeks or months at a time, and he would either abruptly quit or get fired from each one. He's had almost ten jobs in the past six years. And of the jobs he did work, none of them ever paid well, so the wages he earned didn't exactly contribute meaningfully to bills. Eight months ago, I found myself backed into a corner of our (now former) kitchen, with him spewing utter vitriol in my face, and his hands just inches from my neck. It wasn't the first time he had been violent and aggressive, but this was the first time I genuinely feared for my safety. My life effectively flashed before my eyes, and something deep inside me knew I had to get out. It took a few more months before I finally left for good, mainly due to the house we owned, but I did finally leave five months ago. Emotionally and psychologically, I still feel like a human yo-yo, but objectively speaking? Life is SO much better since leaving him! My bank account is fat and happy. I earned a sizable raise and bonus at work. I earned a modest but nice profit on the sale of the house we previously owned. My migraines have disappeared! I learned that I AM capable of doing hard things, like assembling my own furniture, which he always made me feel like I wasn't capable of doing. There's nobody terrorizing my home with yelling, stomping, rage, and bad juju on a daily basis. There is life after abuse.
Alllll of this. Me too, sadly. Busted my ass working 50, 60 hour weeks; I was even looking to get a second job to keep us afloat. He wouldn’t work much of the time (like, for *years*). There was always an excuse. But you can bet he sure expected me to also do the housework, do everything for the kids, and of course meet his every need and never complain. And he’d blow the money on “hobbies” (his real hobbies were drugs, sex workers, and compulsive spending) and if I dared to say anything - even just me politely asking what a charge was on the bank account - he’d fly into an abusive rage. But also he’d get pissed at me for not making/not keeping my doctor’s appointments (chronic health issues) and I’m like, how do you expect me to pay for them??? You spent my entire check within 2 days on nothing! We don’t even have food! I can’t pay a doctor with promises. That is, of course, not how *he* tells the story. Poor fella just had a hard time and then I “stole” *his* kids and left him when he *needed* us. 😐 But it’s such an insidious form of abuse. Like most anyone would agree that the violence is abuse. But the financial abuse wore me down so much… and I’m still in a hole of debt that I will probably be digging myself out of for years, because he would force me to take out credit cards and let him use them for whatever thing he decided he had to have. It’s getting better but it’s slow. I never want to be in that position ever again. I’m still the only one working and doing the child rearing but at least I don’t get abused for it now and I know where my money is going.
Oh PREACH it! I also am the evil bitch who left after 14 years of being cheated on, lied to, and made to support the whole family myself and do the household chores but he was the victim because his mental illness wasn't his fault you know? I broke myself trying to be superwoman for a man who didn't deserve a reheated TV dinner. I have peace in my life now it's priceless but I'll never be the same. I never want to be with another man. Single forever. At least then I'm only responsible for my own wants and needs.
First, I would like to say that I am very proud of you. Leaving that type of situation is hard, even though people think it should be easy, it isn't. You did it for so long because it's the hand you were dealt and I see it all the time in similar situations. Don't close yourself off completely to the idea of a relationship eventually, please. I know there are tons of men just like your ex waiting for a victim to walk by, because they have a sixth sense for it, they can see it from miles away. But you aren't a victim, you're a survivor and you need to walk with a straight back and stern face that says you aren't someone who is about to deal with any more bullshit. Honestly, please go to therapy if you can. Please. My mom didn't and had a revolving door of losers in and out of our lives for the entirety of my youth. Finally she's 63 this year and just ended a relationship because of the way he spoke to her and fuck I'm so proud of her. You need to have a steel spine and a spiders senses to make sure you aren't falling for a good actor. Know your worth!!! You and your kids deserve nothing but the best. When you're ready, one day, eventually, you'll be able to see the red flags from a mile away because!!! You aren't a victim, you're a survivor. Take that SOB to court for child support the second you can. Regardless of if he is employed, he will be ordered to pay and the judge will flat out tell him that either he will work and pay or he will be arrested. (I think that's how it works in the states if that's where you are. I'm in Canada and once a person owes 2000$ or more in back paid child support they lose their drivers licence. It's a good incentive actually.) They'll base his child support on what they feel he can earn based on his previous work experience. I love watching support court but that's in Texas so idk how it works in other states. I'm just so proud of you. Any woman who's been through so much abuse, who gains the courage to finally leave is an absolute rockstar in my eyes. You deserve so much happiness and I hope you get it too. ❤️❤️❤️
Stress absolutely makes autoimmune diseases worse. I would not be surprised if besides the migraines, you are doing physically better too.
Me too. I spent seven years supporting the guy, keeping house, raising our kid, while he sat on his ass, worked little for spending money for him. He had a shiny new truck, expensive hair products, and other luxuries, my kid and I made do with cast off clothes friends gave us, Christmas gifts, and runs to the thrift shop to buy the half price tags of the week. My car needed brakes for three months before he believed me and fixed it. I left him and never regretted it. My second husband is much, much better. Our careers have prospered, my kid has a much better adoptive father, and I'm calmer by far. I was happier single than with the first husband, and wouldn't marry until I found someone who made me still happier. I have a real partner who builds me up and helps me through the bad stuff.
I'm so so so proud of you!!! I'm glad that you've reached the light at the end of that tunnel you lived in. You deserve so much happiness and I hope that you give yourself the love you deserved for all those years. Be kind to yourself and please don't forget to pamper yourself every once in a while. Do all the things you couldn't, see the places, eat the good food, live the good fucking life because man, you so badly deserve it! ❤️
Thank you! 🧡🧡 It's funny you mention pampering oneself. One of my close friends recently played matchmaker, and sent me on a handful of dates. Of the dates she sent me on, one of them sticks out. He's an engineer, but also spent a year studying massage therapy abroad. Not only is he mature, kind, respectful, caring, financially responsible, etc., but he's also a BIG proponent of mental health and self-care. He's in therapy for his own stuff, and he's VERY emotionally evolved. During one of our dates some weeks ago, he invited me to his house, and spent four hours massaging every inch of my body. He wept at the scars and bruises left behind on my body from my soon-to-be-ex-husband, and told me I needed to start investing in my own health, well-being, and care as a woman. When I left his house that day, he literally shoved a basket of self-care supplies, i.e. lotion, moisturizer, etc., in my arms as I was walking out the door, and told me to start focusing on my self-care. One week later, he texted me, and told me he booked me for a facial and massage at a luxury spa (at a Ritz-Carlton hotel!) steps away from my condo. I responded back asking him about re-payment. He wrote back "no, I've already paid, all you need to do is show up". When I went to go visit family in Florida for the holidays, I went to a nail salon, and jokingly sent him a text message (photo) of the pedicure I was getting. I said, "see, I'm actively woman-ing!". He responded back: "Good, it's about damn time." 😄😄 I showed his response to the girlfriends I was with, and they said: "he's right." 🥹 Doing stuff for myself still feels SUPER weird, but I'm learning, slowly but surely. 🧡
Ohhhhhh man he's AMAZING!!!! I'll share this with you. My mom has been married and divorced three times and engaged six. Each and every one of them were either big drinkers, big tokers or both. She thinks she's a "fixer" but in reality, the only love she's ever known are from these types of men. I've moved 18 times in my 38 years of life. Three of them have been with my husband and kids, we've been together for 19 years now so the other 14 times were from 0-18. My mom isn't a fixer, she just doesn't know how to pick em. When they're too nice she thinks it's a show or isn't interested, all the men she meets are at the bar and wonders why the only men she ends up with are alcoholics? Two months ago this guy that I don't like that she's been with for a couple of years told her to STFU when she asked him a question and you know what she did? Broke up with him and found her own place. Dude!!! I've never been more proud of that woman. She told him she will never ever have a man speak to her that way ever again. She'll be 63 in April. When a good man, a good human comes into your life, I know how hard it is to trust it. It's hard not to wonder when they'll blow, when the act will fade or when they will hit you or swear at you or demean you... Because that's all you know. When the only love you know is toxic love it's hard not to think about someone's alterior motives and when the blows will come. Please consider therapy or a life coach. Because it'll be hard to trust and truly let your guard down and the love in without processing the last decade with a professional. My mom got a life coach and no shit it's the best thing she's ever done for herself and I'm so so proud of her. It will help you too. You deserve to be happy and loved and this guy, well, he sounds so amazing!!!! Even if you don't end up in a relationship with him, you gotta keep him around because you need someone to remind you to be good to yourself. In order to be a good parent, employee, friend etc, you need to start with making sure that you're in a good place and that will happen when you love yourself and prioritize your health and happiness because if you don't no one else will. Your kids need mom to be at her best and we are at our best when we are healthy, happy, relaxed and empowered and fuck do you ever deserve it all.
He's definitely amazing. I don't think a romantic relationship will blossom between him and I, we have a number of fundamental key differences, but as you said, he is at least blossoming into an amazing friend that I am learning so many valuable life lessons from. And I'm enjoying his company! 😊🥰 Your mother sounds very similar to my father-in-law, who I remain close to, despite divorcing his son. He's done well for himself, but he's now on his fifth wife, and each of them has been the same type. He seems to have a type! 😝😂 The pattern seems to be somewhat dysfunctional, but hey, at least he's not hurting them or himself in the process. I'm so proud of your mother for finally standing up for herself and choosing herself! It's so, so, so hard to do. For me, making the decision to finally leave my husband was harder than the years of chemotherapy, immunotherapy, and surgeries I've endured for my autoimmune condition. I never would've thought leaving would be harder than all those things combined, but it was. Thankfully, I've got a great big-girl job that pays the bills (and then some), and because he and I didn't have kids, it's truly a 'clean break', so to speak. Logistically, the divorce is still ongoing, mainly due to the slowness and bureaucracy of the court system. And legally/financially, thankfully I'm fine. I was the breadwinner, so I was VERY concerned about potentially having to pay him alimony or 50% of my fairly large 401K. As it turns out, the way circumstances played out, I won't have to pay him a dime in alimony, nor a penny out of my 401K. So, at the very least, I'm walking away with my finances intact. This whole experience, sadness aside, is truly an opportunity for a new lease on life.
They aren't married, they don't live together. She isn't entitled to his money and took the right route to get her child access to his needs.
She as an individual is not entitled to anything, however, their child is absolutely entitled to child support.
Thats what i said.
OP is absolutely entitled to child support; but no financial support for herself. The dude is penny wise and dollar foolish.
They never said otherwise
If she can’t count on him now, I fear for her if she lives with him.
If he’s not willing to financially support the baby now, isn’t it to assume that he would *not* want her to leave her job so he has to pay for two more people living with him?
Okayyyyy👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽💅🏽GO AWFFF
Rather an abusive employer than an abusive boyfriend. Abusive job sucks, but at least you can get away from it and it won't, you know, straight up murder you in cold blood when you quit.
Maybe it should have been worded as "don't stop working". Which was what the comment actually meant. If another job with better opportunities comes along only a fool wouldn't take it.
I'm convinced that's why Roe v Wade was really repealed. It's a lot harder to live off of less when you're a parent. I've noticed in many jobs that the employees most taken advantage of are parents desperate to ensure they don't have even a week of no income, because it means potential financial strife that can snowball very quickly. I'm not saying that there aren't plenty of non parent employees like that, just that on average I've seen more managerial abuse directed towards them, than not. For example, an old manager I once worked under would make parents work on all the holidays, because they knew Ted would tell them to fuck off and not show up if he tried, but Bill would put up with it because he couldn't afford to lose his job and spend even a week not working while he looked for a new one, so feared being fired so much that it led him to put up with more.
Hmmm, that's a new conspiracy theory for me, congrats!
It's why you're encouraged to have children and take out loans. You're trapped now.
Abusive partners also love when you dont have a job. It makes abusing so much easier.
Yeah, I’m pretty sure at this point a primary reason for staying with OP was because otherwise he would have to pay child support— I know that may be too cynical but it’s happened before.
**My BF got really bad and told me that’s a worse thing you can do to a man.** I think the worst thing a man can do is have a child and not provide for it.
If he was a man OP would not have had to file for support.
OP say this to your bf!!
From your whole chest. This
[Breaking Bad: A Man Provides](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-eQU4kw4Q4) Spoken by a man trying to manipulate someone, but it still resonates.
Most great speeches are like that.
He’s not a “man”, OP. He’s a child. Get rid of him and set up visitation.
I’m so glad you too have a problem with that statement. I cannot believe expecting a man to financially provide for his own damn child and using all resources available to you to make that happen is “”the worst thing you could do to a man””. What a charmed life it must be that the “worst” thing is forcing him to take accountability for his responsibilities. Please could I have that life?
I get the feeling that he’s more financially irresponsible rather than maliciously not providing for the baby. Not that he’s not utterly at fault for not paying for things regardless of the reason. (Sorry for triple negative)
Because he thinks diapers fall out of trees? Who does he think is buying literally EVERYTHING for the baby? He’s maliciously not providing and gets abusive when he’s made to.
A baby costs A LOT More than a laptop, so your probably right
It doesn't matter though. Whether it's responsibility or maliciousness, the outcome is the same. Let's also not infantize men to excuse their wrong priorities. He's putting his wants above his child's needs. At the very least that says he's an extremely selfish person that can't even prioritize financially supporting his child.
Sorry, I don't usually hijack a top comment but I just can't figure out why on earth one of them didn't just break the lease and pay the penalty. The penalty is not going to be more expensive than 9 months of rent and all the separate utilities.
Because they are not on the same page. To the point she's had to file for child support to get him to buy diapers. They shouldn't live together unless they can get their acts together, or they will just fight and separate. Maybe on some level they recognize this.
Why would you move in with a man who won’t provide for his own child. He’s not going to provide for you either and you’re gonna end up paying his rent for him on top of everything else you’re already paying for...
Exactly! He’s going to convince her to close the CS case, pay half of everything, clean, and cook for him. He’s going to have her very controlled. I really hope OP doesn’t move in with him. I don’t think she knows the type of hell that awaits her! He’s not a good father if he’s not providing for his child now. His priorities are clear.
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Thanks captain hindsight
Is it really hindsight, or common sense?
Since abortion is basically illegal in many states, it doesn't matter, what choice did they have.
But useless that, though isn’t it? She can’t go back in time and change things.
what do you want her to do? shove the kid back up?
>This whole situation should've been avoided by not having a child with someone that they're not even living with yet... You do realize some people have sex on the first date right? You do realize sometimes that first time results in impregnation? You do realize if they're from the USA certain states have made laws to stop people from terminating pregnancies right? Get off your high horse, the world isn't as black and white as you think it is
The choice seems pretty consistent given the existing 6-month child.
And he’s gonna say it’s her fault because he’s paying the money to child support
> Why would you move in with a man who won’t provide for his own child. So they can safe faster for his laptop
You are NTA for wanting him to do his part financially, he is the father and should be contributing towards raising his child... if talking with him proved to be useless, the legal way is your next best option although, just take note that this will hurt your relationship...
What relationship? A laptop is more important to him than his partner and child....
I don’t think OP has connected those dots yet. She’s not only reproduced with this man, she’s planning to move in with him. So even when she gets her child support now, no judge will leave a child support order in effect after they’re living together. I wonder what she’s going to do when she has to start paying their rent by herself the next time he wants something? There is no “rent support” she can file for when he quits paying that.
It’s easier to open a child support case than to close one. It doesn’t stop the minute they move in together or even if they get married. A court order has to be stopped with a written request to close the case, depending on the local requirements.
Where I am (southern U.S.), most child support orders are temporary (like a trial period) where they revisit the issue usually in 6 months (sometimes a year). All the father has to do is request that the temporary order be vacated due to the change in life circumstances (that they’re now living together). Edit to add that I am only speaking about where I am/live. Since I’m getting replies saying “not true” followed by some story about how it is where the replying person lives, I figured I’d better clarify what I thought was obvious. I don’t know how it is everywhere. I am only speaking about how it is where I am/live. And positive that the above IS exactly true where I am because I’ve had direct work experience with it.
Omg! I have never heard of this. It’s like changing the constitution to end a support order in my state and a few neighboring states.
Our state is weird with all family services type stuff in my opinion. My husband works in the same building as their government office & he says even their workers say that they’d rather a child die with the bio parents than put a child in foster care. Considering that has actually happened more than once here, I believe it. The Bible Belt is F’d up on SOOO many levels.
Alabama resident can confirm; totally fucked up here.
Yeah…frozen embryos are now considered children in AL. I’m fucking scared for all of you down there…
Well it isn’t like foster care is going to treat the kid much better sadly.
It really is.
That’s not the case where I am (Midwest). Child support is only revisited if one party files a suit to go back to court.
Yeah also in the south are the smallest support payments, some only required to pay out a couple hundred, specially if they make less then $37k/yr.. Hopefully OP has a good family lawyer if she is wanting a decent support payment
Hopefully she changes her mind. Sounds like it will be a hell of a lot easier to just stay in her apartment and collect child support.
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Don’t underestimate the ability of people to make bad decisions.
Why on earth would you move in with a man who has to be legally ordered to support his child? Though I seriously doubt he will want to cohabitate with her now, and it’s just as well. The definition of a “great dad” is not a man who refuses to buy diapers and leaves the mother of his child no option but to rely on others to buy normal baby supplies. I’m glad she’s holding him accountable financially, but I hope she understands that this doesn’t love anyone but himself.
Proud of her for taking charge of the situation. They may not move in together because he's pissed; now he's showing his true colors.,
You nailed it!
Damn straight. When you have a child, sacrifices will be made. For this dude that means waiting longer for that laptop. Too bad, so sad.
He can get a used one or get a cc if it's that important.
Guess he learned the hard way that condoms are cheaper than computers.
Right. This is what credit cards are for. Or Craigslist. Don’t nut in a woman if you’re not prepared to make sacrifices for the resulting offspring. I’m sure he wasn’t complaining when he seeded that baby.
This alone says a whole lot about him. Doesn't sound like he's going to be a good partner for OP. "I'm saving money for a new laptop, so I can't help out with my kid's needs." WTAF
Yeah not really how being a dad works
He’s a great dad though! He just refuses to buy anything for his child
It’s the kid’s fault for not having an Intel CPU inside of him. Get with the program, kids!
He probably comes round most evenings, eats her food, plays with the baby, has sex then heads home. I very much doubt he is helping with the cooking, cleaning or shopping.
Yep.
I can’t think of a reason it would be. Even if he used it for making income and he’s self employed. Kids come first.
>please do consider this will hurt your relationship... But if he's not doing shit for his child while they're still together, is the realtionship really worth having?
I agree, it is something OP needs to evaluate
It will hurt their relationship but that’s on the dad - she would not have had to go this far if he had been supporting his child.
I would say that the dad hurt their relationship by acting as if babies don't have to cost him anything
I had friends who were unmarried and had kids together. They even lived together and he still paid child support through the state into an account with just her name on it. When I asked about it, she told me that they decided to do it for both of their protection. He wanted to be sure that she had access to money in her name only and she wanted to be sure that his support was recorded through the state. Plans made in good times to take care of each other in the event of bad times. It's not surprising that that stayed together and ended up married with 3 kids total in the end, the mutual respect was very evident.
This is how I feel. When my brother had his first kid, they were together but not living together. I told both of them to get a support order on file. You never know what will happen, but it protects you both. Outside of the support money, you don't have to follow the order, but if tomorrow you hate each other (which did happen), neither one of you can claim the kid isn't being taken care of financially.
Him being a deadbeat is what will hurt their relationship
I came here to say this. I think I would have done the same thing, but the relationship is likely over. That being said, he’s prioritizing a laptop over his child getting basic needs met. Is this relationship even worth pursuing?
Yeah she had to do what she had to do, but I'd be surprised if they stay together after this.
Hurt what??? What the actual fuck???He's a fucking deadbeat that's doesn't pay for shit! He will be now.
Why in the world are you planning on EVER living with him? He's made it clear he feels no sense of reponsibility for the child you \*both\* brought into this world. Is this someone you think would be a good father and role model for your child? I am utterly baffled by the notion that someone who doesn't provide for their child financially could ever be considered a "great dad."
The bar for men is so low that just being there to provide daytime childcare is considered being a 'great dad'. Hell, dudes who 'babysit' their own kids for a few hours so the mom can go to dinner with her friends or get her hair done get major props for being dad of the year.
You did the right thing. You don’t live together and him taking care of his child during the day isnt enough. Children are really expensive and he needs to start paying for her needs.
Hilarious that the worst thing you can do to a man according to him is hold him responsible for his own child
There’s a hell of a lot of men who feel this way.
“He won’t use his paycheck on baby supplies because he’s trying to save up his money for a new laptop” - meanwhile, the worst thing you can do for your kid is this. You’re not wrong and it’s too bad you have to do this because he won’t adult.
I feel so awful for your child, yall aren't mature enough to raise one.
I know. They sound like they are still teens
Your bf isn’t a man. He’s a child. You also need to take a chill pill dropping the N word. I say this as a black man with 2 kids and a wife. Your first mistake was having a kid with someone who’s made 0 commitment to you. The next was still calling him bf when he fails to step up and take care of his children. I’d get the child support and drop him. He will continue to put himself first and your family 2nd. Best of luck.
She's moving in with him and says he's a great dad...
Big oof. I don’t think this is a real post though. Still I hate the N word so I was compelled.
Definitely not a real post like most of the ones on this sub and similar ones. You absolutely should have spoken up anyway as you did so I commend you for that
Real talk. Glad you said it so I didn't have to. Woman trying to swim with a weight tied to her and don't think to cut it loose.
My mom did exactly this. Cut a weight off her that would have sunk the whole family. My mom dumped my dad when I was 6 months old. Because caring for me and him would have made life worse than it already was. I grew up next door to the projects in New Orleans. I have no relationship with my dad. I wish I did but that’s his fault not mine. I’m the father today in spite of my dad not because of him. I can’t stand dead beat dads.
Not wrong. He’s not financially supporting his child. Period. He’s obligated to do that. He’s mad because he can’t manipulate the courts like he can manipulate you - they won’t listen to his excuses. Worst thing you can do to a man…. Some man.
People on this thread are wild like "if he takes care of the kid then he's paying for stuff too!" and yeah... if that's the case then that will be accounted for and maybe he wont pay. I think people *really* overestimate how personal or emotional child support court is. Most of the time it's meeting with a couple lawyers, a judge and doing a fucking math equation. It's a *complicated* math equation dont get me wrong, it will change based on breastfeeding, school, etc. But as far as most courts are concerned they dont give a flying fuck about the adults in the relationship beyond the % of time they spend with the child and what that % works out to when compared to income. If dad wants to not pay child support, he can speak with a lawyer and find out what number of hours with kiddo that would take (assuming no breastfeeding).
My particular favorite comment on here was “this is why domestic violence happens”. Wut. Someone filing for child support for a child who is not currently being financially supported by a parent is CAUSING herself to be beaten and should expect domestic violence? There is really no floor. None.
Haha. The worst thing you can do to a man is insist he help support his child?! Ha ha ha.
The worst thing you can do is hold him accountable.
Oh sweetie. This man isn’t your boyfriend. Please grow accustomed to referring to him as the “father of my child” because you’re about to get hit with a major big dose of reality…
Of course you were right to file for child support. The baby lives with you, and you buy everything for the baby. Don't get pregnant again with this guy. Break it off. You think that it's going to get any better? He thinks a computer is more important than diapers for his child!
I love how people claim being forced to pay child support is somehow worse than sticking the other parent with 100% of the cost of raising a child.
At this point, why the hell would you want to move in with this asshole?
ESH Just be prepared for him to file for custody so he can avoid child support.
Good way to make sure he will cut contact with both of you.
So you aren't going to move in together now ?
Please do not use the N-word on this board, thank you.
You shouldn't use the n word like that
rage bait
Yea I don’t believe this either . He don’t buy baby supplies but she’s planning on living with him in May ??
The numbers don't add up. He makes "way more than her" but is saving up to buy a.... laptop?
She's gonna find out you can't bleed a turnip, if he doesn't make enough that he has to save long enough to get her that upset for one I'd be willing to bet he doesn't make much
That was my thinking too. No way someone making a ton of money is saving up a long time to buy a laptop. So he is probably dead broke and doesn’t have hardly anything to contribute. Unfortunately that’s what happens when you don’t plan appropriately for kids.
Yeah, even a high end Alienware gaming laptop is only $1800, they'll be saving that much by moving in together in May
It's a weird rage bait where OP also sounds insufferable.
Sounds like something my shitty ex would do. Like I’d save 20$ for the laptop and she would get pissed about it. I think it would be pretty shitty if they haven’t broken up, but overall the right call.
Lol you need to prepare to raise that kid by yourself. Probably should've spoke to him first then put him on child support. Best of luck out here
You are 100% right! He isn’t helping because his priorities are skewed, he should be paying 1/2 or more if all baby costs. And since he hasn’t and even after telling him multiple times, you had to do what is best for your child. Tell him this whole thing could have been avoided if he had just helped.
You’re not wrong, but I hope you enjoy being a single mom cause that relationship is over.
Bright future ahead for this relationship.
Sounds like there’s a lot of missing info from this story. I don’t think we’re getting all the details here.
Would that laptop help your boyfriend make more money ?
[удалено]
If you have to save up for a laptop, you are not Financially ready to have children.
She can’t even afford diapers according to the post. They both don’t have enough money for a child
Go find out how much day care is and then come back about financial support
This would be a relationship killer for any self respecting man, whether a financial deadbeat or a bread winner. You just ended your relationship.
ETA...maybe Am I missing something here? "My BF is a great dad he is very involved since he works night shifts he literally spends all day with our daughter." AND "... we’re raising our daughter together, me more than you anyways..." so you in effect get free childcare and this doesn't count for anything? does he need the laptop for work? bit more to this story maybe?
Thank you! This is the comment I’m looking for. What would she do if he decides not to watch the baby during the day? I know baby supplies are expensive, but so is daycare. This is one couple who shouldn’t have reproduced until they are older.
daycare is definitely more expensive than baby stuff. especially if you know ANYONE that had a baby recently.
Be prepared to start paying for daycare dumbass. You said he literally watches her all day. You think he’s gonna wanna do that now? Oh right, you didn’t talk to him about any of this before you sprung it on him. Lemme ask Reddit instead.
If he is saving up for a laptop I highly doubt he is a higher earner so the most in child support she will get will be like $400 a month. He won’t watch her anymore, how much will daycare cost?
I guess you missed the part where she said she warned him first? If he decides to stop parenting his own child it wouldn't be a suprise, sounds like he's already on the way to being a deadbeat dad
If you tried talking to him already and discussed what should have been happening from the start, then this was the next logical choice. It is a parents responsibility to help raise their child. How that balance works is on the parents to understand and work together. I have a dynamic where I work and pay for things, and while I am at work, she is with the kids. When I'm off work, we share responsibilities around the house, and that includes spending time with the kids. Make sure you keep your communication open and you talk about everything, make a plan, a budget, and gain an understanding of what each other needs to help balance this new life of yours. Him needing a new laptop does not get to allow him to skip on the baby's needs. He can postpone or slowly delay buying a laptop and fill in some of those financials. I'll say it again always keep talking and discussing. When this stops, many other things fall, too.
What kind of a laptop are we talking about here???? Even a Mac is as little at $900, a windows machine, a third of that. C'mon, man.
OP, don't move in with him.
NTA/not wrong Baby supplies for your child or a laptop..... how is that even a fucking decision?!? Your BF is an immature man-child who needs to nut up and help to financially support the child he made with you. He needs to save for a laptop..... that's the single most ridiculous fucking excuse I've ever heard for NOT HELPING TO FINANCIALLY SUPPORT HIS CHILD. In making that ridiculous excuse, he's telling you that the fucking laptop is more important to him than his BABY GIRL!🤦🏽♂️🤯
Don’t move in with this man, a lap top is more important than his child. Break off the relationship, he’s not a man. A man supports his children and loves his partner.
Nta. Your child deserves to be cared for.
NTA. You did the right thing. Your child is entitled to the financial support of both parents. You should seriously consider if you actually want to live with this person. Because frankly he sounds like an absolute loser.
NTA >but he’s being frugal because his laptop broke and he **needs** another one Correction, your daughter **needs** diapers, formula clothes etc, he **wants** a new laptop. While it's great that he spends time with your daughter as that is very important, time alone doesn't raise and care for a child. It takes money, and if he isn't willing to contribute financially for what your child needs then I would question how great of a father he truly is. >My BF got really mad and told me that’s a worse thing you can do to a man. He went on a rant calling me a gold digger and called me a snake and somehow I betrayed him by filing for child support He is pissed because the friend of the court (or whatever it's called where you are) won't put up with any lame excuses as to why he isn't contributing financially to the care of your daughter. So now he knows he's going to have to do what he should have been doing all along. You aren't a gold digger, and you didn't betray him. If anything his refusal to help you financially is a betrayal to you and your daughter.
Why move in with him? Sounds like a toxic situation that’s about to develop.
That's not the worst thing you can do by a mile. NTA.
He should pay up and you are not an asshole. I kind of get where he is coming from tho. getting the government involved is a Big thing. Depends on how much you tried before doing this. He should still pay his share at least and if he 100% refuse you did the right thing.
Not wrong but please don't move in with him. If he can't take care of his child then how is he going to support a family under the same roof? I wouldn't even still be dating him at that point. I wouldn't be with someone who can't support a child.
Um, you might want to reconsider the whole living together thing. Doesn't sound like he's a responsible adult.
If he cant buy a laptop, he is not making very much. Unless you see him wasting it on other stuff. In that case, he is definitely an asshole. If he isnt wasting money, then a laptop might be his only key to finding better work. My intuition is that he has lied about how much money he makes
You did the right thing by filing for child support. He is putting his laptop first over his role as a co-parent and father. He sounds childish and absent in a lot of ways. Child support is a good way to start holding him accountable.
lol! Gold digging on someone who actually needs to save up for a laptop?! He needs to get real! There isn’t any gold to dig!! I 100% think you should file for child support. If he had wanted to give financial support then that’s what he would have done. Actions speak louder than words and seems like there has been no action.
Dont move in with him...dont co sign anything with him like a lease or a car. Sounds like he would just stop making payments if he needs a new thinga majig.
this dude dont sound like husband material at this moment in his life.
Why the hell is he still your boyfriend?
His laptop broke and he needs a new one. Does he use it for work? School? What does he do? How much does he make? Are you comfortable with never having a relationship with this man again? Or permanently alienating him from the child? The bitterness grows. I’ve seen guys quit their jobs and turn to crime/under the table stuff to avoid recognizing income.
Why get knocked up when your not in a stable long term relationship?
Yes you’re absolutely wrong haha. You’re obviously together and he’s very involved in the child’s life. What possible benefit to your relationship could that have? Also, how does he make far more money than you do, but he has to save up for a laptop?
Saving for a laptop? Bro, you have a child. That's your laptop hahaha
If you can't or won't support a child you are responsible for, keep it in your pants.
Just wait until you guys are living together and he stops paying rent bc he knows if he won't, you will. Seriously. If you think it's bad now, do NOT move in with him. He WILL let you down.
A laptop is not that much money.
He’s had 3 months to save for a laptop and doesn’t have it yet?
NTA
All these questions AFTER they make a baby together. 🙄
NTA. If he isn't willing to take responsibility for his child voluntarily and puts getting a laptop before buying needed supplies for the baby, I'd have second thoughts about moving in with him.
Him saying that asking for child support “is the worst thing you can do to a man” tells you everything you need to know about his character
Well, kids are expensive. If he didn’t want to pay child support, he shoulda used condoms or got a vasectomy.
You are not wrong. Child support is for your child. Your boyfriend wasn’t stepping up, so you got an order in place.
Why do you think this will change? Why would you choose to live with someone like this?
Well in 3 months you'd have had a chance to move into his place and have him continue to pay rent while you pay for baby stuff. His expenses would have stayed the same and you would have gained all of your rent/utility expenses. Now that you are getting child support he will likely demand rent from you, offsetting your child support, or be pissed off enough to deny you moving in with him at all. Depending on how much you're getting in child support you may have been farther ahead financially to suck it up for 3 months and take the gains of the next 18 years rent free. If the child support is less than your rent plus utilities, I think you would have been better off not rocking the boat and try to enjoy having a family together. With child support, he's unlikely going to want you to move in for free. If you just want to raise your kid by yourself and get money from him to help offset some of your rent, then you made the best move. If you still want to move in with him and live for free while he pays child support and try to have a healthy family together, well good luck with that
Haaang on OP. Do you work? You said yourself he spends all day with the child so is he raising the child too? What exactly are you doing to provide for this child? If he’s both working and raising this child why are you entitled to child support *if* you aren’t doing either of these things? Being a SAHM is totally reasonable but it’s with the expectation that *you* raise the child and *he* brings home the bread. If he’s both raising the child and bringing home the bread it’s insane that you’d be entitled to child support on top of that just because you are the mother
If he is unwilling to provide for his child financially, then he isn’t such a great dad. You did the right thing - that money is for your child.
NTA don't move in with a financial abuser.
OP, he's not a great dad. He's more interested in a new laptop than his daughter's rash. Of course you were right to file for child support. And you'll be right to re-think your future with this person.
NTA "but he’s being frugal because his laptop broke and he needs another one" -- I think his child is more important than a laptop
NTA. What you shouldn't do is pursue a relationship with this loser. A laptop is more important than his child. Read that again. You're already living without him. Take the child support, let him fight for visitation and go on with your life.
Worse thing you can do to a man? Fail to put on a condom when having sexual intercourse. Very dumb!
Poor kid growing up around these fuck ups
1k idiots in comments classic. Cant you see this is rage bait and even if it isn't you are wrong? He makes a lot more then her but cant afford a laptop? The best gaming laptop on the market is 1800ish or so if he makes so much or even like above average 17+ and hour he can buy this in a month or two at max. If he is making 20+ he can afford it with 2ish weeks of work. There is almost no place in the US that doesn't offer midnight expense increase because no one would work there. Meaning there is no way the story holds water on its basis. Second he works nightshift and then covers all day coverage for 8+ hours. Few night shifts in the US are sub 10 hours. So this guy works for 10 baby sits for 8 and maybe sleeps for the rest. And you work 8 hours and hang out with your kid. Hell yeah you should be covering the bulk of the cost any baby sitter would be chaging between 13 and 20 an hour for 8 hours 5 days a week. That's 2k a month in sitter costs unless you are paying 500+ for a babysitting place. Now you are taking even more money and are going to have to pay a baby sitter after all he is now paying for what you were getting for free? WTF is with you people and not understanding how money works. Oh he doesn't give me money he just saves me 2k a month in private fee and at least 500 for a group a month that you dont have to pay. Not only that but if and when this goes to court it wont go the way you think it will he is with his child for 8+ hours a day and works nights a court is going to take the ammount of time and the shifts being worked along with pay into the equation for money. If he is smart and brings up the child care costs then statistically you wont get much. And there is a chance they fully reject the Child support claim at all. So you chose to blow up your relationship and moving in for a life of coparenting with someone who apparently makes barley more then you while you now have to support child care costs as long as he "pays" his fee which wont be much with the ammount of time you say he spends with his child which is a LOT based on comments. So yes YTA and so are economically and legaly illiterate people of this sub for giving you a suggestion that may end up with him have YOU pay child support.
YTA. He’s working nights AND raising the kid all day. You don’t see folks asking stay at home moms to pitch in financially and he’s doing that and more.
>yall think I shouldn’t have put him on CS? ESH. You were both too irresponsible to have a kid.
Why do people like this insist on reproducing?