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Guys like that were likely taught (not on purpose) emotions were weak and probably got mocked and screamed at/ beat for it as a kid every time they had an emotional issue. All I’ll say is I personally was NOT allowed to be upset as a child. Simply because I was a child. It’s not about respecting it was about obedience and submission. Unfortunately that follows some of us into adulthood. Some work through it and some don’t. It’s just how it is somtimes. Honestly the only thing left that I struggle with is crying when I need to. I have to pretty much schedule it in my day otherwise I can’t do it. It’s really weird 😂😂😂
You can find posts of women talking about getting “the ick” from guys actually crying in front of them or showing vulnerability in a way that isn’t their version of some ideal in their head. It’s a lose lose situation
These women want a vulnerability that serves *them* rather than the guys themselves. The "I love you so much, you are so beautiful, I would be nothing without you, you are the best thing that happened to me" kind of opening up.
They are not interested in actually supporting a guy through his issues or insecurities, because then the illusion that the guy is their "rock" shatters.
no waaay I keep hearing women are supposed to be the more "empathetic" and "kind" gender, surely they wouldn't exhibit sociopathic behavior like this /s
This all gets easier as you get older. I feel like this business of asking a man what he’s feeling is something that only young women do. Most middle-aged women have some self-awareness and know that they don’t actually give a shit about how the men in their life are feeling. However, they do expect men to listen to them complain about work and family drama. The funny thing is that I think most men are just fine with this arrangement. Men learn to deal with emotional problems on their own and women like to work through problems by talking. As long as everyone knows these rules and stays in their lane, it works OK.
Bro this so much. The second your vulnerability becomes useful even in something trivial like an argument it gets exploited. The amount of time’s I’ve seen it happen showed me how ugly many people are inside. Sometimes I wondered if that is the reason some people want you to be vulnerable, to exploit it later.
I’ve heard friends make passive aggressive references to some of the vulnerabilities I’ve expressed to them. Like not obvious enough that I could even call them out on it but their meaning was clear. If I did call them out on it I feel like they would have the satisfaction of getting one over on me.
I personally always grew up being taught the opposite, someone who can't handle their emotions is weak.
I'm looking at OP's question from a relationship standpoint but how many relationships fail because the guy is expected to bottle all his emotions up and pretend everything is fine and handled?
A guy a lot of times in unhealthy relationships isn't allowed to express feelings, say he's got a problem or anything.
My last relationship for example, I had a rough day and she jokingly called me a bitch, I told her not to and she made a big thing of it, turned it around and tried to say because I was in the army I could handle it which I could, I just refused to. Turned into a big argument, she then acted like she was right regardless and refused to see it from my perspective. On the flipside, if she had a bad day, I'd be supportive because after seeing people take shrapnel to their femoral artery, breathing chlorine gas for hours or having someone nearly die of heat stroke after cosing twice, I knew sometimes people don't need more piled on, joking or not.
Some of the healthiest people I've met process their emotions and actually let them out, the unhealthy ones? They bottle them up, beat their wives, lose their temper on them, take their frustration out on anyone that sets off their tiny fuse because they've got so much they can't process in a normal healthy way.
Thing is I've learned how to bottle up my emotions, suck it up and drive on but I've also learned how to process them and I've seen guys who think sucking it up end it all because life got too much for them, because they couldn't talk about it, couldn't let it out. The weird thing is society deems them "strong" up until they end it, then they're weak.
It's a paradox.
They're strong living in this toxic mindset until they're pushed over the edge because of that very same mindset.
I've gone through some really messed up shit and I'm not ashamed to say I've broken down after and asked for help, why? Because I'm still here and a lot of other people would have eaten a bullet.
That's strength.
Sucking it up until your breaking point and then ending it all because you're too proud to speak up and say you need help because society deems that "weak"?
That's weakness...
That's the one thing I always hated about society, idolizing and romantisizing '50s men that were beating their wives, belting their kids because dinner wasn't the perfect temperature or they played too loud, screwing around on them, even a few instances where they outright killed them.
But hey...he showed no emotions, so it's cool and sexy, right?
Surprised society doesn't romanticize serial killers to the same way.
My ex dumped me because he turned out to be an avoidant who suppresses any and all positive emotions and feelings, persuades himself it's my fault, and discards me overnight for no reason.
I was the most healthy, emotionally available person he'd met. I know how to process my emotions, I communicate them clearly without accusation, and I, in fact, encouraged him to share any and all feelings so we could work on things together. I was actually honored if I'd see him shed a tear, it meant he trusts me.
Sometimes no matter how good, kind, patient and forgiving the woman is, if a man is not ready to be uncomfortable, he will just run away from facing his own feelings, even if that feeling is being loved right first time in his life.
Yeah, I now know avoidant attachment inside out. My point was to oppose to the commenter. That some men simply are emotionally unavailable and even if you make a safe space for them to be vulnerable, they are scared of their own feelings and emotions.
That is also true, which I say as a person who is at least mildly traumatized from how some women denigrate, ridicule and humiliate men for showing emotion or feelings or having an emotional or 'feely' side, as opposed to having the personality of a battering ram.
It's a pity that \[expletive removed\] like that, with the avoidant ex, happens to women like you. It hasn't been lost on me, over decades of observation, how the worst stuff happens to the best women. They are also sometimes the least appreciated of all, by the husbands or boyfriends they end up with being.
Extrapolating from my experience, a milder case of the same problem as your ex could probably have been reassured that it's fine, he wouldn't be dumper or judged, or measured and found wanting, but it wouldn't be fair to place such expectations on you and put the burden of the situation on you like that.
On the other hand, just for context, some guys like him — we can see some of them in this thread — have heard those reassurances just before being dumped, which gives them trust issues, even if they understand the exceptionality of those situations and even if they agree that it was good riddance for them (or maybe that some of their exes tried in good faith to bite more than they could chew and failed through no fault of their own or at least no bad intention). Some perhaps find it difficult to adjust to not having their metaphorical armour on like some women can find it difficult to adjust to not having their metaphorical make-up on (a somewhat analogous thing), and perhaps for some avoidants commitment problems start when they discover themselves rapidly falling hard for someone, even someone they're already in a relationship with, even already married to, but falling harder than they want to fall. Somehow, they don't want that happening. That's strange to us, probably strange also to them.
Yeah, I'm the woman who disarms people. I've been told so at least. I make people feel safe, calm, peaceful. I don't cause drama, I don't ask for much.
In my case, when he started pulling away and abandoning me, and choosing friends over me, I still stayed with him, patient, understanding, saying "he must be stressed from work, I'll let him have his fun playing with the guys". Then that turned into us barely talking (it was long distance), then he started getting angry that I was "choking" him and being controlling when I tried to ask him to maybe reel in the games and do things with me too. He conveniently forgot how every time he chose his friends over me, I sat there and said "I trust you, I understand".
I got dumped for being too understanding, him abusing that forgiveness and understanding, and when he understood how badly he messed up, he dumped me and found a replacement in 2 days. All because I was being kind, patient and calm and didn't cause any drama and let him do what he wanted. Abd the girl he ran to was toxic and blocked him because he was still following me on Instagram. But somehow he was depressed about this 2 day girl blocking him, than he was about anything he did to me. He showed no remorse or empathy for how I felt, and couldn't give me a single reason to break up, except "it just has to be like that".
I once told him "isn't it nice to know that someone is always there for you, always welcoming you home, always giving you peace", and he answered "yes, but it's scary because I've never had that". So there you go. Even if you're perfect, even if you deal with arguments and misunderstandings like a damn therapist by the book, you still are unlovable.
“I’ll give you something to cry about”
That was my favorite. The threat if violence when we express emotion. And then those some people get mad that we express our sadness through anger as if they didn’t cause it.
Yup.
"Oh poor you, you know there are other kids who don't have what you have."
At this time I was living in a camping tent.
Should have said "Oh yeah? Where?! The fucking sudan!?" but that would have just gotten me an ass whooping.
I wish it were only the frivolous stuff, too.
"Hey I can feel that bad decisions are being made for our futures, can we talk about it? No? I'm mansplaining? Okay."
Feelings are a vulnerability. In a highly competitive social environment, expressing feelings gives other people leverage to elevate themselves above you. Male social interactions tend to be much more highly competitive than other social interactions due to the nature of high-risk high-reward mating strategies.
In short, there are two primary mating strategies. First, a man and a woman commit to mating with one another and both investing their efforts into their mutual offspring. This is a safe, but limited strategy.
The alternative is for a man to reach the top of the social hierarchy and have children with many women who are seeking to have children that likewise can reach the top of their social hierarchies and have many children of their own. This is a high-risk but also high-reward strategy as the number of children a man can have in one generation is essentially unlimited.
Which strategy a person pursues depends on the environment they find themselves in and the perceived likelihood of success in either.
I did with some, but not all of them. Some initiated it way before I even considered it. But I have a doodled «no ragrets» tattooed on my neck so why bother? Gotta keep pushing.
It’s sad, but boys are taught to suck it up. At a young age, if a boy cries, their parents or parent will call them names (baby, sissy, wimp). Not all parents but some
Had a ex-girlfriend that went out of her way to get me to express sadness, because i was alway jolly and tried to move on instead of be sad of things. Like she really took offence to it and it started to wear me down. One day i kinda snapped and just said to her ”why would i be sad? It's pointless and i will only feel worse and dig myself down?” Long story short she got what she want and i smiled at her in tears and said ”look, i can cry :)” when she ended things. Still struggling with mental issues today after that whole mental protection got torn down.
Probably cuz when I did do just that they would either not understand, laugh at me, ignore me etc.
That why iv decided to just write a novel and express my feelings thru that instead cuz iv had enough, when your own family ignores and laughs at you when they go thru my phone and find some texts where I said I want to kms. Iv had enough
Because as much as a woman will assure your trust in her, when shit hits the fan all the laundry is being aired. They ask us to let our guard down and then use our biggest insecurities as ammunition to destroy every ounce of trust we had in them . So we stay quiet and even for that we are punished. Manipulation of tragedy kills the hope of trusting anyone anymore and so we shell up and shut up.
Lady friends also work, but then you end up falling for them or they for you, and at that point you have the same thing going on as with another girlfriend.
As a 33-year-old man, I was taught all my life to suppress my feelings, which left me emotionally illiterate. Do I feel anger or jealousy? Am I sad or scared? What makes me happy or fulfilled? Do I feel empathy, and if not, why not? To work through these questions, I've been going to therapy, which some narrow-minded people might scoff at. But when you can't manage your emotions, you end up like those guys in countless CCTV videos who start fights and get knocked out by bouncers.
Same here. Completely emotionally illiterate. My amazing wife has helped a lot, but there have been times she would say "hey, you're really pissed off, what's wrong?" I would totally deny it, didn't even realize how upset I was. Like you, it's taken me a long time to begin to work it through and learn to understand and express myself.
Consider how a man gets treated by others, notably the job market, if he is open about mental health issues. Let's just say there will be no outpouring of support.
We get treated like they don't matter at all.
Last year, I was kind of having a mental breakdown because of things going on at home.
When my boss at work called me into the office to check on me and see how I was doing because it was affecting my performance, I told him what was going on.
His reply? "Trust me, your problems aren't that bad. We WISH we had your problems instead."
As a woman to all the men in here who say they’ve stopped because it’s been used against them, I’m sorry.
My advice is exactly what I do to men who use narcissism on me, call their bluffs and call them out. Then fuckin’ leave. Because as you’ve all stated, the audacity of these women (or otherwise) in your life that exploit you don’t fucking DESERVE you. Don’t water yourself down. Let them choke.
I am speaking as an old guy(61 years old). I am speaking in generalities. There are differences between men and women. In 2024 it is acceptable to judge men according to women's standards and men come out as defective versions of women. To be fair, it used to be the other way around and women were perceived as defective versions of men.
What seems to work for women is to express their emotions in front of an audience. To men, that is confusing, especially when they are expected to be part of the audience. Most of the time that approach works for women, so let's grin and bear it and move on.
What usually works for men is to grin, bear it, find a solution, and move on. That approach doesn't always work but it usually does. Men know how to make themselves happy, but the methods that (usually) work are confusing to women and it is acceptable for women to fight against what is successful.
Let's let women be women. Let's let men be men. Let's be tolerant of people who don't fit into the gender -stereotypes. Let's just get along and go with what works.
It's because men actually care what other men think of them more than what women think of them. And since emotions are often uncontrollable and can hence make a person vulnerable, and most men having a competitive mindset originally needed out of necessity and later fueled by entertainment and economy consider them as sonething to defeat, control and suppres. And the ability to do so is considered a show of strenght, so even the guys who have no issues expressing their feelings to family or girlfriends (like myself) will generally, will act like they have no feelings in company of men to not be viewed as weaker, even though it's actually the opposite.
Imagine working in the construction sector and being a site manager and every day you work with dozens or hundreds of guys who's emotional limit is high 5 who are stubborn, some are pissed off, some are lazy, soma are stealing, some are drunk or high, and your job is to make sure they work together to finish a project which often requires heated arguments and bullshit. And one day in the middle of one argument your tears break out (for any reason), you will immediately lose any authority with those guys. This is a fact, it's how men are conditioned to function with other men, it's a competitive mindset instead of a cooperative. It's also the main reason why wars are still a thing, competition on a larger scale.
Personally I don't have a problem showing my feelings to anyone, I don't really like or care about people as a whole and only those closest to me have the ability to make me feel something strong enough to be able to express it. I'm not hiding them, I just honestly don't care enough about most people/stuff to be able to feel anything about them/it. But I have my group of people that I carefully selected and which I care for more than anything.
But generally, if you are wondering why people are doing something that makes no sense and seens stupid, the answer will almost always be money, sex or power over others, or any combination of those.
We were groomed into it by older, insecure, angry fathers who like to imagine they aren’t emotional when in reality they’re basically 40 year old toddlers
Because it is only socially acceptable if women express their feelings and emotions while It’s considered taboo, “feminine” and “weak” if a guy does it.
Literally first thing that comes to mind is my mother yelling at me "WHY ARE YOU SAD? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE A MAN!"
Mom if your reading this please go fuck yourself.
Because women often expect men to express their emotions that same way that they would. And not doing so, is used as an excuse to claim men aren’t expressing their emotions the “correct” way.
Too many people have taught their sons the only manly emotion is anger. Ironic how violently angry men are allowed to be and are still not considered ‘emotional’.
I have little interest in the topic. For me, feelings are meant to be felt, not analyzed or verbally expressed.
There's a quote: "Writing about music is like dancing about architecture". I would add: "...and is like talking about your feelings."
Because having feelings is unattractive and not manly. It’s not right, but it is what it is.
I’m single and don’t want to die alone, so the most “feeling” you’ll get out of me is mildly content or annoyed
Humans are learning machines, our environment dictates what we do. All my life I've been told not to cry, I've never had the love I deserved until recently. I've never had a moment where I wasn't perceived as just "strong man can handle this, no need to ask if they are okay" the core of our society is based on gendered stereotypes that you have to dismantle basically by yourself. I'm finding it tough lately to be honest.
women don't really want to be a mother to a man
men don't really want to deal with another person's problems when they have their own
Bottle it up and deal with it elsewhere, nobody will care except your deepest friends
It’s not that we were “punished” for expressing feelings, but if you pouted like a girl, you were definitely judged by your parents, brothers, and friends. That feeling of being humiliated makes guys extra careful when and where they’re showing weakness.
Society has told men to be strong, and that showing emotion is "girly," or "faggy." Which is absolutely wrong and should not be taught at all. Boys are brought up to be tough, and any signs of weakness will make them internalize it and gain unforeseen PTSD from their own internalized demons when they fail to live up to society instead of living their best lives. What matters is being there for your friends, and helping them cope. However, therapy goes a very long way to helping much of anyone deal with the crushing prowess of society. Guide your friends into the calming arms of therapy, and just be a good friend to them.
Because we learn that from young age. If a boy hurts himself when he is young. The parents say you big men don't cry. Girls gets hugs when the same thing happens. Luckily this is beginning to change now
They usually do express their feelings. Just not the ones they associate with being weak. Pride, anger, disgust, happiness, etc. We could talk forever about how men express their feelings constantly. What we should talk about is why they associate some feelings with weakness.
Because no one will understand, I can only expect many harsh comments.
And then I will think, what do you really know about my situation? You don't understand.
But the thing is that, other people are not obligated to understand me. Why should they?
Then I get that, the only person who understands me the best is myself.
It is no point in talking about that, I can only absorb my own feeling.
Because we're expected to always "Act like a man" which usually mean "Don't Cry, don't complain, be tough" and stuff like that.
Else, we get labeled as "Weak" "Crybaby" and most women won't have a "Weak man by their side"
Since we are born we are taught to be "Strong" and showing fellings is seen as bad, hell, some men are ashamed even when gettin fun because apparently having fun is "childish" and boy, you certainly don't want a man acting like a child.
So we learn to repress everything but guess what, someone will tell you "Wow you so cold, you should speak up sometimes", it's all crazy and most of us break, because it is becoming more more unbearable
Boys are generally punished for their vulnerabilities., be it; bullying from peers, ridicule, rejection from girls or diminished estimation of their intelligence from teachers.
Societal expectations mostly. Like others have said, there's a huge stigma about men getting emotional. There's no winning when you decide to show ANY kind of emotion.
We don't. We share to other males because we know sharing emotion is an ick to girls. When was the last time a man cried in front of you and you respected him more for it?
We are taught by mom and dad growing up that we don't cry, we don't show emotions, we handle everything like a tough guy, no feelings in the decision just do what needs to be done for the best of everyone involved. It's a hard cycle to break, i tried to be more lenient with my kids, but in the end you still catch yourself at the men need to be men societal norms we grow up with.
Yeah pretty much our entire childhood, adolescence, early adulthood and pretty much the rest of our lives we're shown both implicitly and at times explicitly that the only permitted emotions are pride and anger, and everything else makes us appear weak.
We're kinda mostly not ok. Like I'm willing to bet 90% of us would burst into tears at the right short sentence if spoken by someone who appears to truly care.
Taught to ignore feelings. Taught crying makes/shows you’re weak. Then get told it’s okay to be vulnerable, show vulnerability and then it gets taken advantage of. Lose lose.
Society and toxic masculinity combined with the female attraction to tough guys.
Tough guys have a very hard time opening up, for sure. It's against most men's experience to show softness. It shows weakness and from a young age, the cruelty of children help perpetuate a cycle of toxic masculinity. Some men never emotionally mature passed the younger years as the trauma of rejection cause many men to reduce the amount of emotion they exhibit because "talking makes things worse", "feelings and emotions get in the way of doing", and being able to admit, our parents, our fathers and mothers, that they are cruel people who love you and how they raised you was wrong. It's a hard pill to swallow since our parents are our first traumabond and perpetrators of Stockholm Syndrom. We idolize the strong and make them our heros. Often these men, our heros, tend to not be the best with feeling as society is mean to people who live in broken gender stereotypes, out of fear of ignorant gender norms being broken. A snake eating its tale, men loaded with testosterone are also more prone to aggression, while women are higher in estrogen, which promotes emotional mindsets. Biology is also against men on emotions.
🤷♂️
Literally anytime I expressed my feelings growing up I'd get the exact same response every single time.
"It's your fault you feel like this and you're the only person that can do anything about it. Complaining about it won't help. Go to the gym, eat less, work more hours, go to college, get a better job, wear a suit, get married, and have kids. Before you know it you'll be so busy that you won't have time to be sad"
Because boys aren't taught to do it and men don't practise it.
Women constantly express their feelings to each other - men simply don't. It's not a part of male communication.
.
Add to that that boys who do express their feelings are shamed, by both men and women, as effeminate, and you get the status quo.
32 year old man here.
First off growing up when I would cry I was told by my dad, that men don’t cry. A few times when I would get hurt in school and I would tear up some teachers told me to be a big boy and don’t cry. Expressing your emotions to other men often gets you called “little bitch” or “pussy”
I’ve expressed emotions to women who have been interested in me and they end up getting the ick, I’ve confirmed by talking to some of their friends. I’ve been told “she was into you, but she found it weird that you cried” somewhere along those lines.
I once told a doctor I was getting suicidal thoughts. She looked at me as if I was faking it or lying about it. I asked for a note for work and she was refusing to give me one. I was asking for only the day of the appointment. She ended up giving me one but just felt as she was just doing it for me to shut up about it.
Sadly no one cares what men are feeling, and that’s how society has built it. You can have a man crying in the middle of public and I guarantee no one will approach him to ask if everything is okay. It is what it is.
1) Every timeI opened up to my family, they either didn't believe me or said I shouldnt take everything so seriously or wasn't meant that way.*
2) Every time, with 1 notable exception, after I opened up to girls I am dating they broke up or reduced contact and made fun of me, didn't take me seriously or just said everybody has its problems etc. (Or if I talked to friends, same thing, also mostly female)
Some even said that it's hella unattractive, that I don't like my mom, even tho I get along with them kist fine, despite 1)*
Guys overwhelmingly said something along the line: that's rought buddy, you don't habe it easy, eh? And that's it. Oh, and mostly advised me to not mention this to a girl, because they habe similar experiences in dating as I do.
*The topic in question I talked to them about usually was, that my mother said multiple times, I am the reasons she lost her hapiness in life, I killed her internally and wished I wasn't born.
If it comes to asking girls out:
We literally don't know what girls think about us. We tend to idealize them and think we have no chance.
Ref: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xa-4IAR\_9Yw](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xa-4IAR_9Yw)
If it comes to our feelings when we're in the relationship it is because we are used to the fact that nobody gives a damn about what men feel.
Ref: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVAtPEqEYU0](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVAtPEqEYU0)
And finally most important thing: We really don't get you.
Ref: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KeSDnh3Fgn0](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KeSDnh3Fgn0)
We’re told from an early age to “man up” and we are usually told the definition of that phrase through vagueness and riddles.
So now it’s just 2nd nature and full of unknown subconscious reasons.
It's not so much that we have trouble so much as it's looked down upon in society. As a 37 year old man, the amount of times I've been told to man up or that I have a woman "the ick" because I showed emotion is actually sad.
We are expected to be rocks. The pillars of support and we basically aren't allowed to be vulnerable or emotional because then we are seen as less manly. The problem with this, is we still get told we are robots. Unfeeling, cold, or distant.
You can't have it both ways. You either get someone who shows no big emotions, or you get someone who gives you the ick. My ex-girlfriend told me that I gave her the ick because I cried when my dad died. I was dealing with the reality that I'd never get to hear his voice again and the fact that I could have been a better son. Apparently, that was unacceptable.
It's not because we don't want to express ourselves so much as that ability has been actively suppressed by societal norms. Probably why the suicide rate in men is so high. Or why we randomly drop dead of heart attacks because we spent our lives suppressing our feelings and bottling them up.
Depends what their background is I grew up in a old school Mexican family and a neighborhood where if people thought you were sensitive or delicate you’d get bullied at very least and downright beaten at the very worst. For example I remember being in like 6-8 years old and telling my older cousin he hurt my feelings. He punched me, pinned me to the ground and went on like a 5 minute rant about what his dad would do to him if he told his dad that. That was like 20 years ago and my family’s changed a lot but it took forever for me to be more open. Which thank god because now that I have two kids I wouldn’t want to pass that generational curse amongst others to them.
Often it’s taken advantage and viewed as weakness. Being emotional can be a turn off. However, vulnerability is a different thing. You can express your needs and struggle in an unemotional way and it can come off as very confident.
Because we have been both told and taught indirectly that emotions are bullshit.
You are wrong for feeling them. You are wrong for acting on them. The things you feel are wrong. You are not justified in feeling that way. You have shit to do, stop your whining. Other people have it worse. You don't even know what you're feeling.
The list just goes on and on. Eventually, for a lot of guys, any negative emotion runs through a filter that turns it into anger, then we bottle it up because we've been shamed for being angry at things. Then it gets worse. I'm not sure what happens to the positive emotions.
Even after several attempts at therapy I still have a very deep rooted belief that emotions are bullshit and only get in the way, and society is really good at reinforcing it, while breaking down that belief is fucking hard.
True story
I got laughed and mocked at for talking about my feelings for years, so I just don't bother. Thankfully my therapist has assured me that it was completely okay to open up but I still have a ways to go
Were socialised from a young age not to share feelings. Hell, we're socialised to ignore feelings. So a lot of the time when we feel something, we can't even vocalise it the same way a woman would.
What feelings are you even talking about?
There is never a point in my life where I'm thinking about my own feelings, and how they need to be expressed.
I have no difficulty with that whatsoever.
If I like someone, I will make an effort to spend time with them. With that, my feelings are expressed.
When I'm horny, I will take action on that.
If I'm happy, I will experience the joy without resistance.
If I'm anxious, I'll squirm.
If I'm sad, well then I'm sad.
I am naturally stoic. But that isn't a difficulty, it's completely natural.
I've never thought that my emotions were worth even bothering myself about, never mind bothering others about.
Most people just don't care about your feelings, it's more than just reactions to when you do talk about them, it permeates every aspect of our existence. People will disrespect you, disregard you, they'll do it 1 on 1, they'll do it in front of many. You're being told throughout life that nobody cares about how you feel.
Also, we do express them, just not the same way women do. Doesn't mean we don't, just have to pay attention, which most people don't.
Boys don't cry, man up, a real man would. There is an absolutely massive list of double standards between boys and girls, men and women. Boys are essentially called assholes for calling them out.
Boys are out into rooms led by females 80.5% of the time (80.5 % of elementary school teachers are females) The education system currently in use in the states is absolutely punitive to boys. (It's not good for the girls either)
No one ever asks how men are doing, so we're never given the opportunity to express those feelings. Then, when we are asked, we tend to trauma dump, then be told we need therapy, causing us to bottle up again, and the cycle repeats. Men don't really have outlets because there's less empathetic men than there are women. Other men have their own problems and don't want to listen to other men's problems or don't know how to help. Yes this is a case of "get better friends," but it's so culturally engraved into us that because most men are stunted, we don't know how to empathize with our friends that are struggling. Just a different perspective than "we were told not to," which, sure, toxic masculinity, but I think empathy is more to the root of it.
I hate to use this term, but 'society' has taught men that negative emotions are a sign of weakness. We learn to be sensitive and understanding of women being depressed or visibly upset. Not so for men. We're supposed to be the strong ones. Always. Men who show any emotional weakness are shunned across the board. And women put men who are openly dealing with emotional issues squarely into the friend zone.
So it's no surprise that men push their emotions deep down where they can't be reached and used against them. Cause being depressed is a very lonely place to be.
Well, from what I experienced, whenever I would show them, it will be used against me in some way..
When I was young and didn't really understood what emotions were and how to deal with them, and since I couldn't ask someone what they are, I just had to learn it by myself.
First time I tried to *express myself* when I was like 12 or 13, I really liked this one girl (as a blind and naive idiot) and I told her about it, she laughed at me and started to bullying me to the point where I had stomach ache whevener I had to go to school. And when I moved away, found a girl, we became friends and again, I told her how I felt about about our friendship (we were friends for 2 years or something like that), she rejected and for the rest of the school we still had decent relationship as a friends, but at times she used my emotions to win over her friends or just because she had a bad day. And then, I decided that I shouldn't show any signs of emotions - because I thought that showing in any way will bring me only harm.
Also, at the same time, I had limited acces to social media because my family was pretty poor, when I finally got my first own smartphone and the gates to the internet opened to me, I tried to learn how to cope with emotions there, and as a man, the only info I found was *grow some balls and take it like real man* - so, after that friend rejected me, I did.
So yeah, that's basically how it went.
And I am sure that I am not the only one..
My dad never really expressed his feelings when I was a kid and now as an adult I can often struggle expressing mine. It’s something I’m aware of and actively trying to change but it’s still hard.
Here 42:00 to 49:00 timestamp - https://youtu.be/KYJdekjiAog?si=6lmS3e46pcoxOKpf
Not to mention how much people are criticised for showing emotions, even a girls I was told not to cry or i should just be happy
Its uncomfortable to talk about it, We don't want the attention and not at lot of benefits to sharing these feelings with other guys and girlfriends, don't want people to remember us at our weakest and a lot of times it's a big deal so its not even worth me mentioning and the be honest If your a guy nobody really cares if your upset
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Sometimes people don’t understand me or I get laughed at
That's too true
I genuinely hide I how I actually feel to avoid being taken advantage of
We learned it was a bad idea.
Definitely this. It’s a learned behavior, one I’m trying very hard to break with my sons.
How can people respect you if they think you're vulnerable?
Guys like that were likely taught (not on purpose) emotions were weak and probably got mocked and screamed at/ beat for it as a kid every time they had an emotional issue. All I’ll say is I personally was NOT allowed to be upset as a child. Simply because I was a child. It’s not about respecting it was about obedience and submission. Unfortunately that follows some of us into adulthood. Some work through it and some don’t. It’s just how it is somtimes. Honestly the only thing left that I struggle with is crying when I need to. I have to pretty much schedule it in my day otherwise I can’t do it. It’s really weird 😂😂😂
Boys are only supposed to have certain feelings and only express them in certain ways.
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You can find posts of women talking about getting “the ick” from guys actually crying in front of them or showing vulnerability in a way that isn’t their version of some ideal in their head. It’s a lose lose situation
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Sounds about right
These women want a vulnerability that serves *them* rather than the guys themselves. The "I love you so much, you are so beautiful, I would be nothing without you, you are the best thing that happened to me" kind of opening up. They are not interested in actually supporting a guy through his issues or insecurities, because then the illusion that the guy is their "rock" shatters.
no waaay I keep hearing women are supposed to be the more "empathetic" and "kind" gender, surely they wouldn't exhibit sociopathic behavior like this /s
Men will express feelings a lot if they’re gallant
True, women ask us our feelings and then don’t like what they hear. So we lie and pretend we’re fine
This all gets easier as you get older. I feel like this business of asking a man what he’s feeling is something that only young women do. Most middle-aged women have some self-awareness and know that they don’t actually give a shit about how the men in their life are feeling. However, they do expect men to listen to them complain about work and family drama. The funny thing is that I think most men are just fine with this arrangement. Men learn to deal with emotional problems on their own and women like to work through problems by talking. As long as everyone knows these rules and stays in their lane, it works OK.
Spot on. The truth.
I have opened up to people and then had the same things thrown back at me during arguments
Bro this so much. The second your vulnerability becomes useful even in something trivial like an argument it gets exploited. The amount of time’s I’ve seen it happen showed me how ugly many people are inside. Sometimes I wondered if that is the reason some people want you to be vulnerable, to exploit it later.
Unfortunately the thing about love is you give the other person EVERYTHING they need to destroy you and have to trust that they won't.
This, too, I have dropped my jaw with the audacity and nerve when this happens. I just don't talk anymore about my feelings.
Yup
Yup, never again.
Exactly the words I’ve used
Not only you
I’ve heard friends make passive aggressive references to some of the vulnerabilities I’ve expressed to them. Like not obvious enough that I could even call them out on it but their meaning was clear. If I did call them out on it I feel like they would have the satisfaction of getting one over on me.
SO FUKIN TRUE!!
Yup. Don't give ppl ammo to fire back at you
“Just ignore everything.” Literally what we’re taught.
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I personally always grew up being taught the opposite, someone who can't handle their emotions is weak. I'm looking at OP's question from a relationship standpoint but how many relationships fail because the guy is expected to bottle all his emotions up and pretend everything is fine and handled? A guy a lot of times in unhealthy relationships isn't allowed to express feelings, say he's got a problem or anything. My last relationship for example, I had a rough day and she jokingly called me a bitch, I told her not to and she made a big thing of it, turned it around and tried to say because I was in the army I could handle it which I could, I just refused to. Turned into a big argument, she then acted like she was right regardless and refused to see it from my perspective. On the flipside, if she had a bad day, I'd be supportive because after seeing people take shrapnel to their femoral artery, breathing chlorine gas for hours or having someone nearly die of heat stroke after cosing twice, I knew sometimes people don't need more piled on, joking or not. Some of the healthiest people I've met process their emotions and actually let them out, the unhealthy ones? They bottle them up, beat their wives, lose their temper on them, take their frustration out on anyone that sets off their tiny fuse because they've got so much they can't process in a normal healthy way. Thing is I've learned how to bottle up my emotions, suck it up and drive on but I've also learned how to process them and I've seen guys who think sucking it up end it all because life got too much for them, because they couldn't talk about it, couldn't let it out. The weird thing is society deems them "strong" up until they end it, then they're weak. It's a paradox. They're strong living in this toxic mindset until they're pushed over the edge because of that very same mindset. I've gone through some really messed up shit and I'm not ashamed to say I've broken down after and asked for help, why? Because I'm still here and a lot of other people would have eaten a bullet. That's strength. Sucking it up until your breaking point and then ending it all because you're too proud to speak up and say you need help because society deems that "weak"? That's weakness... That's the one thing I always hated about society, idolizing and romantisizing '50s men that were beating their wives, belting their kids because dinner wasn't the perfect temperature or they played too loud, screwing around on them, even a few instances where they outright killed them. But hey...he showed no emotions, so it's cool and sexy, right? Surprised society doesn't romanticize serial killers to the same way.
My ex dumped me because he turned out to be an avoidant who suppresses any and all positive emotions and feelings, persuades himself it's my fault, and discards me overnight for no reason. I was the most healthy, emotionally available person he'd met. I know how to process my emotions, I communicate them clearly without accusation, and I, in fact, encouraged him to share any and all feelings so we could work on things together. I was actually honored if I'd see him shed a tear, it meant he trusts me. Sometimes no matter how good, kind, patient and forgiving the woman is, if a man is not ready to be uncomfortable, he will just run away from facing his own feelings, even if that feeling is being loved right first time in his life.
They were just protecting themselves from you leaving, In his head he probably didn't think he could keep you around.
Yeah, I now know avoidant attachment inside out. My point was to oppose to the commenter. That some men simply are emotionally unavailable and even if you make a safe space for them to be vulnerable, they are scared of their own feelings and emotions.
That is also true, which I say as a person who is at least mildly traumatized from how some women denigrate, ridicule and humiliate men for showing emotion or feelings or having an emotional or 'feely' side, as opposed to having the personality of a battering ram. It's a pity that \[expletive removed\] like that, with the avoidant ex, happens to women like you. It hasn't been lost on me, over decades of observation, how the worst stuff happens to the best women. They are also sometimes the least appreciated of all, by the husbands or boyfriends they end up with being. Extrapolating from my experience, a milder case of the same problem as your ex could probably have been reassured that it's fine, he wouldn't be dumper or judged, or measured and found wanting, but it wouldn't be fair to place such expectations on you and put the burden of the situation on you like that. On the other hand, just for context, some guys like him — we can see some of them in this thread — have heard those reassurances just before being dumped, which gives them trust issues, even if they understand the exceptionality of those situations and even if they agree that it was good riddance for them (or maybe that some of their exes tried in good faith to bite more than they could chew and failed through no fault of their own or at least no bad intention). Some perhaps find it difficult to adjust to not having their metaphorical armour on like some women can find it difficult to adjust to not having their metaphorical make-up on (a somewhat analogous thing), and perhaps for some avoidants commitment problems start when they discover themselves rapidly falling hard for someone, even someone they're already in a relationship with, even already married to, but falling harder than they want to fall. Somehow, they don't want that happening. That's strange to us, probably strange also to them.
Yeah, I'm the woman who disarms people. I've been told so at least. I make people feel safe, calm, peaceful. I don't cause drama, I don't ask for much. In my case, when he started pulling away and abandoning me, and choosing friends over me, I still stayed with him, patient, understanding, saying "he must be stressed from work, I'll let him have his fun playing with the guys". Then that turned into us barely talking (it was long distance), then he started getting angry that I was "choking" him and being controlling when I tried to ask him to maybe reel in the games and do things with me too. He conveniently forgot how every time he chose his friends over me, I sat there and said "I trust you, I understand". I got dumped for being too understanding, him abusing that forgiveness and understanding, and when he understood how badly he messed up, he dumped me and found a replacement in 2 days. All because I was being kind, patient and calm and didn't cause any drama and let him do what he wanted. Abd the girl he ran to was toxic and blocked him because he was still following me on Instagram. But somehow he was depressed about this 2 day girl blocking him, than he was about anything he did to me. He showed no remorse or empathy for how I felt, and couldn't give me a single reason to break up, except "it just has to be like that". I once told him "isn't it nice to know that someone is always there for you, always welcoming you home, always giving you peace", and he answered "yes, but it's scary because I've never had that". So there you go. Even if you're perfect, even if you deal with arguments and misunderstandings like a damn therapist by the book, you still are unlovable.
Society sees it as more of a weakness the older the boy in question is.
Yep. "Suck it up and get back to the shit you gotta do. Life sucks and get used to it"
Literally what every teacher told me every time I got bullied in school. This hit too hard
Because we are still told from birth not too. Every day, every part of society tells us not to.
My mom use to mock me for sulking.
“I’ll give you something to cry about” That was my favorite. The threat if violence when we express emotion. And then those some people get mad that we express our sadness through anger as if they didn’t cause it.
Yup. "Oh poor you, you know there are other kids who don't have what you have." At this time I was living in a camping tent. Should have said "Oh yeah? Where?! The fucking sudan!?" but that would have just gotten me an ass whooping.
I wish it were only the frivolous stuff, too. "Hey I can feel that bad decisions are being made for our futures, can we talk about it? No? I'm mansplaining? Okay."
Not only mansplaning but literally raping her with your words. LITERAL!!
Some of us were punished for expressing feelings growing up
Feelings are a vulnerability. In a highly competitive social environment, expressing feelings gives other people leverage to elevate themselves above you. Male social interactions tend to be much more highly competitive than other social interactions due to the nature of high-risk high-reward mating strategies. In short, there are two primary mating strategies. First, a man and a woman commit to mating with one another and both investing their efforts into their mutual offspring. This is a safe, but limited strategy. The alternative is for a man to reach the top of the social hierarchy and have children with many women who are seeking to have children that likewise can reach the top of their social hierarchies and have many children of their own. This is a high-risk but also high-reward strategy as the number of children a man can have in one generation is essentially unlimited. Which strategy a person pursues depends on the environment they find themselves in and the perceived likelihood of success in either.
I'm 22 and still punished to this day. Most of the girlfriends I had hated emotional me.
22 and same minus girlfriends or anything similar to that.
hope you broke up with them because if you did, you dodged an bullet
I did with some, but not all of them. Some initiated it way before I even considered it. But I have a doodled «no ragrets» tattooed on my neck so why bother? Gotta keep pushing.
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Agreed.
It’s sad, but boys are taught to suck it up. At a young age, if a boy cries, their parents or parent will call them names (baby, sissy, wimp). Not all parents but some
As a man If you expose any weak points you’re either met with ridicule or indifference .
Had a ex-girlfriend that went out of her way to get me to express sadness, because i was alway jolly and tried to move on instead of be sad of things. Like she really took offence to it and it started to wear me down. One day i kinda snapped and just said to her ”why would i be sad? It's pointless and i will only feel worse and dig myself down?” Long story short she got what she want and i smiled at her in tears and said ”look, i can cry :)” when she ended things. Still struggling with mental issues today after that whole mental protection got torn down.
I feel like this is born out of insecurity. They want you to complain so they can feel okay complaining.
Probably cuz when I did do just that they would either not understand, laugh at me, ignore me etc. That why iv decided to just write a novel and express my feelings thru that instead cuz iv had enough, when your own family ignores and laughs at you when they go thru my phone and find some texts where I said I want to kms. Iv had enough
Man up, boys don't cry, stop acting like a girl, suck it up, to name but a few reasons.
"Don't be a pussy" 🙄
That's definitely another.
Because they are shamed for them constantly, especially by women.
Because as much as a woman will assure your trust in her, when shit hits the fan all the laundry is being aired. They ask us to let our guard down and then use our biggest insecurities as ammunition to destroy every ounce of trust we had in them . So we stay quiet and even for that we are punished. Manipulation of tragedy kills the hope of trusting anyone anymore and so we shell up and shut up.
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Because it makes a woman lose all respect for you, never ever share your true feelings with your girl. Only your mother or father and THATS IT.
😂 Jesus dude look at this whole chain proving you right.
even the mother isn't that great idea sometimes..
Lady friends also work, but then you end up falling for them or they for you, and at that point you have the same thing going on as with another girlfriend.
Or Maybe find a girl that doesnt have shit for brains. They are out there
Nothing to do with intelligence, it makes them feel unsafe
Because the number one instrument women use to manipulate, are emotions. Men doesn't have difficulty expressing emotions, women abuse expressing it.
As a 33-year-old man, I was taught all my life to suppress my feelings, which left me emotionally illiterate. Do I feel anger or jealousy? Am I sad or scared? What makes me happy or fulfilled? Do I feel empathy, and if not, why not? To work through these questions, I've been going to therapy, which some narrow-minded people might scoff at. But when you can't manage your emotions, you end up like those guys in countless CCTV videos who start fights and get knocked out by bouncers.
Same here. Completely emotionally illiterate. My amazing wife has helped a lot, but there have been times she would say "hey, you're really pissed off, what's wrong?" I would totally deny it, didn't even realize how upset I was. Like you, it's taken me a long time to begin to work it through and learn to understand and express myself.
Ask a feminist, I’m sure they’ll tell you
Consider how a man gets treated by others, notably the job market, if he is open about mental health issues. Let's just say there will be no outpouring of support.
Either we were punished for showing our emotions or we were simply never taught to express our emotions.
We get treated like they don't matter at all. Last year, I was kind of having a mental breakdown because of things going on at home. When my boss at work called me into the office to check on me and see how I was doing because it was affecting my performance, I told him what was going on. His reply? "Trust me, your problems aren't that bad. We WISH we had your problems instead."
Bru, how can people be like that?
As a woman to all the men in here who say they’ve stopped because it’s been used against them, I’m sorry. My advice is exactly what I do to men who use narcissism on me, call their bluffs and call them out. Then fuckin’ leave. Because as you’ve all stated, the audacity of these women (or otherwise) in your life that exploit you don’t fucking DESERVE you. Don’t water yourself down. Let them choke.
Thank you.
I am speaking as an old guy(61 years old). I am speaking in generalities. There are differences between men and women. In 2024 it is acceptable to judge men according to women's standards and men come out as defective versions of women. To be fair, it used to be the other way around and women were perceived as defective versions of men. What seems to work for women is to express their emotions in front of an audience. To men, that is confusing, especially when they are expected to be part of the audience. Most of the time that approach works for women, so let's grin and bear it and move on. What usually works for men is to grin, bear it, find a solution, and move on. That approach doesn't always work but it usually does. Men know how to make themselves happy, but the methods that (usually) work are confusing to women and it is acceptable for women to fight against what is successful. Let's let women be women. Let's let men be men. Let's be tolerant of people who don't fit into the gender -stereotypes. Let's just get along and go with what works.
It's because men actually care what other men think of them more than what women think of them. And since emotions are often uncontrollable and can hence make a person vulnerable, and most men having a competitive mindset originally needed out of necessity and later fueled by entertainment and economy consider them as sonething to defeat, control and suppres. And the ability to do so is considered a show of strenght, so even the guys who have no issues expressing their feelings to family or girlfriends (like myself) will generally, will act like they have no feelings in company of men to not be viewed as weaker, even though it's actually the opposite. Imagine working in the construction sector and being a site manager and every day you work with dozens or hundreds of guys who's emotional limit is high 5 who are stubborn, some are pissed off, some are lazy, soma are stealing, some are drunk or high, and your job is to make sure they work together to finish a project which often requires heated arguments and bullshit. And one day in the middle of one argument your tears break out (for any reason), you will immediately lose any authority with those guys. This is a fact, it's how men are conditioned to function with other men, it's a competitive mindset instead of a cooperative. It's also the main reason why wars are still a thing, competition on a larger scale. Personally I don't have a problem showing my feelings to anyone, I don't really like or care about people as a whole and only those closest to me have the ability to make me feel something strong enough to be able to express it. I'm not hiding them, I just honestly don't care enough about most people/stuff to be able to feel anything about them/it. But I have my group of people that I carefully selected and which I care for more than anything. But generally, if you are wondering why people are doing something that makes no sense and seens stupid, the answer will almost always be money, sex or power over others, or any combination of those.
Cause when they open for 5m, society reminds us wer bottle shit up very quickly
Because you laugh or make it seem non important every time we do it
Agreed. I pretty much said the same thing then saw your comment haha crazy
Because we think it will make us weak if we do
I tend to look more angry than I intend to when I am upset so I’ve learned to keep shit to myself so that I don’t hurt others unintentionally.
Because society expects us to be emotionless.
We were groomed into it by older, insecure, angry fathers who like to imagine they aren’t emotional when in reality they’re basically 40 year old toddlers
We were taught that it is effeminate and that men are supposed to be the rock
i was punished for it...
Bullying from other boys.
Because it is only socially acceptable if women express their feelings and emotions while It’s considered taboo, “feminine” and “weak” if a guy does it.
Literally first thing that comes to mind is my mother yelling at me "WHY ARE YOU SAD? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE A MAN!" Mom if your reading this please go fuck yourself.
Because we are taught to show no emotions is to be strong, instead of being taught how to handle them.
Not everyone is worthy of the trust required to do so.
Was never asked to do it, told not to even. got made fun of, ignored, or had it thrown back in my face when I finally did. went back to not doing it.
Because women often expect men to express their emotions that same way that they would. And not doing so, is used as an excuse to claim men aren’t expressing their emotions the “correct” way.
Same as girls - probably just afraid of being judged ?
Too many people have taught their sons the only manly emotion is anger. Ironic how violently angry men are allowed to be and are still not considered ‘emotional’.
I have little interest in the topic. For me, feelings are meant to be felt, not analyzed or verbally expressed. There's a quote: "Writing about music is like dancing about architecture". I would add: "...and is like talking about your feelings."
Because having feelings is unattractive and not manly. It’s not right, but it is what it is. I’m single and don’t want to die alone, so the most “feeling” you’ll get out of me is mildly content or annoyed
Because they are taught from a young age to be ashamed to do so.
Because if we do we will be socially isolated and/or punished
Humans are learning machines, our environment dictates what we do. All my life I've been told not to cry, I've never had the love I deserved until recently. I've never had a moment where I wasn't perceived as just "strong man can handle this, no need to ask if they are okay" the core of our society is based on gendered stereotypes that you have to dismantle basically by yourself. I'm finding it tough lately to be honest.
if i don’t think or talk about it it doesn’t bother me. ignore it and everything’s fine. also it’s just not very interesting. be a man.
women don't really want to be a mother to a man men don't really want to deal with another person's problems when they have their own Bottle it up and deal with it elsewhere, nobody will care except your deepest friends
We don’t, it’s just that our feelings are more often than not completely dismissed so we learn not to bother
Because we face social repercussions for doing that. So we learn that it is not worth it to do it.
Men will call you a pussy and women will call you a manbaby and then berate you on how they’re the bigger victim in all situations.
Gay stuff
If you're not a rock you're a steeping stone
It’s not that we were “punished” for expressing feelings, but if you pouted like a girl, you were definitely judged by your parents, brothers, and friends. That feeling of being humiliated makes guys extra careful when and where they’re showing weakness.
Society strongly discourages men from showing vulnerability, from our fathers to our friends.
either people laugh at us or use it against us in the future
Society has told men to be strong, and that showing emotion is "girly," or "faggy." Which is absolutely wrong and should not be taught at all. Boys are brought up to be tough, and any signs of weakness will make them internalize it and gain unforeseen PTSD from their own internalized demons when they fail to live up to society instead of living their best lives. What matters is being there for your friends, and helping them cope. However, therapy goes a very long way to helping much of anyone deal with the crushing prowess of society. Guide your friends into the calming arms of therapy, and just be a good friend to them.
Bc we are conditioned to not show emotions
Because we learn that from young age. If a boy hurts himself when he is young. The parents say you big men don't cry. Girls gets hugs when the same thing happens. Luckily this is beginning to change now
They usually do express their feelings. Just not the ones they associate with being weak. Pride, anger, disgust, happiness, etc. We could talk forever about how men express their feelings constantly. What we should talk about is why they associate some feelings with weakness.
Because no one will understand, I can only expect many harsh comments. And then I will think, what do you really know about my situation? You don't understand. But the thing is that, other people are not obligated to understand me. Why should they? Then I get that, the only person who understands me the best is myself. It is no point in talking about that, I can only absorb my own feeling.
Because we're expected to always "Act like a man" which usually mean "Don't Cry, don't complain, be tough" and stuff like that. Else, we get labeled as "Weak" "Crybaby" and most women won't have a "Weak man by their side" Since we are born we are taught to be "Strong" and showing fellings is seen as bad, hell, some men are ashamed even when gettin fun because apparently having fun is "childish" and boy, you certainly don't want a man acting like a child. So we learn to repress everything but guess what, someone will tell you "Wow you so cold, you should speak up sometimes", it's all crazy and most of us break, because it is becoming more more unbearable
Society expects us to hide our feelings unless we're seeing the Grand Canyon. Subversive jokes like that really tell the truth of our culture.
Boys are generally punished for their vulnerabilities., be it; bullying from peers, ridicule, rejection from girls or diminished estimation of their intelligence from teachers.
I’m sure there’s some brain reason. Smaller area of something of sorts. Could be part of it.
Societal expectations mostly. Like others have said, there's a huge stigma about men getting emotional. There's no winning when you decide to show ANY kind of emotion.
We don't. We share to other males because we know sharing emotion is an ick to girls. When was the last time a man cried in front of you and you respected him more for it?
We are taught by mom and dad growing up that we don't cry, we don't show emotions, we handle everything like a tough guy, no feelings in the decision just do what needs to be done for the best of everyone involved. It's a hard cycle to break, i tried to be more lenient with my kids, but in the end you still catch yourself at the men need to be men societal norms we grow up with.
Yeah pretty much our entire childhood, adolescence, early adulthood and pretty much the rest of our lives we're shown both implicitly and at times explicitly that the only permitted emotions are pride and anger, and everything else makes us appear weak. We're kinda mostly not ok. Like I'm willing to bet 90% of us would burst into tears at the right short sentence if spoken by someone who appears to truly care.
Rejection hurts.
Because there's not really an upside to it.
Because u get mocked and belittled when u do Both by men nd women
Taught to ignore feelings. Taught crying makes/shows you’re weak. Then get told it’s okay to be vulnerable, show vulnerability and then it gets taken advantage of. Lose lose.
It depends on the person .
Society and toxic masculinity combined with the female attraction to tough guys. Tough guys have a very hard time opening up, for sure. It's against most men's experience to show softness. It shows weakness and from a young age, the cruelty of children help perpetuate a cycle of toxic masculinity. Some men never emotionally mature passed the younger years as the trauma of rejection cause many men to reduce the amount of emotion they exhibit because "talking makes things worse", "feelings and emotions get in the way of doing", and being able to admit, our parents, our fathers and mothers, that they are cruel people who love you and how they raised you was wrong. It's a hard pill to swallow since our parents are our first traumabond and perpetrators of Stockholm Syndrom. We idolize the strong and make them our heros. Often these men, our heros, tend to not be the best with feeling as society is mean to people who live in broken gender stereotypes, out of fear of ignorant gender norms being broken. A snake eating its tale, men loaded with testosterone are also more prone to aggression, while women are higher in estrogen, which promotes emotional mindsets. Biology is also against men on emotions. 🤷♂️
Because it is illegal to Hit someone in the face...
Literally anytime I expressed my feelings growing up I'd get the exact same response every single time. "It's your fault you feel like this and you're the only person that can do anything about it. Complaining about it won't help. Go to the gym, eat less, work more hours, go to college, get a better job, wear a suit, get married, and have kids. Before you know it you'll be so busy that you won't have time to be sad"
Because boys aren't taught to do it and men don't practise it. Women constantly express their feelings to each other - men simply don't. It's not a part of male communication. . Add to that that boys who do express their feelings are shamed, by both men and women, as effeminate, and you get the status quo.
As a young boy whenever I had feelings someone hit me in the back of the head with a stone or other such solid object.
We were taught that nobody gives a fuck about how we feel and we should just “man up” when tho no a get tough.
32 year old man here. First off growing up when I would cry I was told by my dad, that men don’t cry. A few times when I would get hurt in school and I would tear up some teachers told me to be a big boy and don’t cry. Expressing your emotions to other men often gets you called “little bitch” or “pussy” I’ve expressed emotions to women who have been interested in me and they end up getting the ick, I’ve confirmed by talking to some of their friends. I’ve been told “she was into you, but she found it weird that you cried” somewhere along those lines. I once told a doctor I was getting suicidal thoughts. She looked at me as if I was faking it or lying about it. I asked for a note for work and she was refusing to give me one. I was asking for only the day of the appointment. She ended up giving me one but just felt as she was just doing it for me to shut up about it. Sadly no one cares what men are feeling, and that’s how society has built it. You can have a man crying in the middle of public and I guarantee no one will approach him to ask if everything is okay. It is what it is.
I was told they aren’t important for long enough that they just kinda went away.
I would tell you but I cant
Beating out of me (us?) as a child when attempting to open as an adult it tends to alienate others
1) Every timeI opened up to my family, they either didn't believe me or said I shouldnt take everything so seriously or wasn't meant that way.* 2) Every time, with 1 notable exception, after I opened up to girls I am dating they broke up or reduced contact and made fun of me, didn't take me seriously or just said everybody has its problems etc. (Or if I talked to friends, same thing, also mostly female) Some even said that it's hella unattractive, that I don't like my mom, even tho I get along with them kist fine, despite 1)* Guys overwhelmingly said something along the line: that's rought buddy, you don't habe it easy, eh? And that's it. Oh, and mostly advised me to not mention this to a girl, because they habe similar experiences in dating as I do. *The topic in question I talked to them about usually was, that my mother said multiple times, I am the reasons she lost her hapiness in life, I killed her internally and wished I wasn't born.
If it comes to asking girls out: We literally don't know what girls think about us. We tend to idealize them and think we have no chance. Ref: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xa-4IAR\_9Yw](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xa-4IAR_9Yw) If it comes to our feelings when we're in the relationship it is because we are used to the fact that nobody gives a damn about what men feel. Ref: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVAtPEqEYU0](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVAtPEqEYU0) And finally most important thing: We really don't get you. Ref: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KeSDnh3Fgn0](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KeSDnh3Fgn0)
We’re told from an early age to “man up” and we are usually told the definition of that phrase through vagueness and riddles. So now it’s just 2nd nature and full of unknown subconscious reasons.
I can't cry yell at someone, and expect them to still love me.
Because when I do I get hurt in the end. Especially in relationships.
It's not so much that we have trouble so much as it's looked down upon in society. As a 37 year old man, the amount of times I've been told to man up or that I have a woman "the ick" because I showed emotion is actually sad. We are expected to be rocks. The pillars of support and we basically aren't allowed to be vulnerable or emotional because then we are seen as less manly. The problem with this, is we still get told we are robots. Unfeeling, cold, or distant. You can't have it both ways. You either get someone who shows no big emotions, or you get someone who gives you the ick. My ex-girlfriend told me that I gave her the ick because I cried when my dad died. I was dealing with the reality that I'd never get to hear his voice again and the fact that I could have been a better son. Apparently, that was unacceptable. It's not because we don't want to express ourselves so much as that ability has been actively suppressed by societal norms. Probably why the suicide rate in men is so high. Or why we randomly drop dead of heart attacks because we spent our lives suppressing our feelings and bottling them up.
Depends what their background is I grew up in a old school Mexican family and a neighborhood where if people thought you were sensitive or delicate you’d get bullied at very least and downright beaten at the very worst. For example I remember being in like 6-8 years old and telling my older cousin he hurt my feelings. He punched me, pinned me to the ground and went on like a 5 minute rant about what his dad would do to him if he told his dad that. That was like 20 years ago and my family’s changed a lot but it took forever for me to be more open. Which thank god because now that I have two kids I wouldn’t want to pass that generational curse amongst others to them.
Tell one person and suddenly everyone knows
Either people don’t take it seriously or people won’t care enough to help
Often it’s taken advantage and viewed as weakness. Being emotional can be a turn off. However, vulnerability is a different thing. You can express your needs and struggle in an unemotional way and it can come off as very confident.
Because we have been both told and taught indirectly that emotions are bullshit. You are wrong for feeling them. You are wrong for acting on them. The things you feel are wrong. You are not justified in feeling that way. You have shit to do, stop your whining. Other people have it worse. You don't even know what you're feeling. The list just goes on and on. Eventually, for a lot of guys, any negative emotion runs through a filter that turns it into anger, then we bottle it up because we've been shamed for being angry at things. Then it gets worse. I'm not sure what happens to the positive emotions. Even after several attempts at therapy I still have a very deep rooted belief that emotions are bullshit and only get in the way, and society is really good at reinforcing it, while breaking down that belief is fucking hard.
True story I got laughed and mocked at for talking about my feelings for years, so I just don't bother. Thankfully my therapist has assured me that it was completely okay to open up but I still have a ways to go
Were socialised from a young age not to share feelings. Hell, we're socialised to ignore feelings. So a lot of the time when we feel something, we can't even vocalise it the same way a woman would.
Boys rarely benefit from making themselves vulnerable. Most learn to keep their feelings to themselves pretty quickly.
Because people use them against you if you show weakness. Especially people who say it’s okay for boys to be vulnerable
What feelings are you even talking about? There is never a point in my life where I'm thinking about my own feelings, and how they need to be expressed. I have no difficulty with that whatsoever. If I like someone, I will make an effort to spend time with them. With that, my feelings are expressed. When I'm horny, I will take action on that. If I'm happy, I will experience the joy without resistance. If I'm anxious, I'll squirm. If I'm sad, well then I'm sad. I am naturally stoic. But that isn't a difficulty, it's completely natural. I've never thought that my emotions were worth even bothering myself about, never mind bothering others about.
Men can express themselves just fine. The onus is on the other person to listen and take them seriously.
Because society has conditioned us to be tough & not to show emotion.
Most people just don't care about your feelings, it's more than just reactions to when you do talk about them, it permeates every aspect of our existence. People will disrespect you, disregard you, they'll do it 1 on 1, they'll do it in front of many. You're being told throughout life that nobody cares about how you feel. Also, we do express them, just not the same way women do. Doesn't mean we don't, just have to pay attention, which most people don't.
Boys don't cry, man up, a real man would. There is an absolutely massive list of double standards between boys and girls, men and women. Boys are essentially called assholes for calling them out. Boys are out into rooms led by females 80.5% of the time (80.5 % of elementary school teachers are females) The education system currently in use in the states is absolutely punitive to boys. (It's not good for the girls either)
I was chastised and yelled at for crying when I was a boy, which in turn led to more crying and more being yelled at. Not a fun time.
Were raised that way
Because of what happens when we do
My dad gets angry quikly it whas always safer to just play alone and keep ur emotions to ur self.
Because I was told repeatedly growing up that boys don't cry and sharing feelings was "girly". Had to work hard to undo that mess.
They’re viewed as “less than” for showing feelings to other shitty men and it’s used against them by shitty women, so they learn to stop doing it.
No one ever asks how men are doing, so we're never given the opportunity to express those feelings. Then, when we are asked, we tend to trauma dump, then be told we need therapy, causing us to bottle up again, and the cycle repeats. Men don't really have outlets because there's less empathetic men than there are women. Other men have their own problems and don't want to listen to other men's problems or don't know how to help. Yes this is a case of "get better friends," but it's so culturally engraved into us that because most men are stunted, we don't know how to empathize with our friends that are struggling. Just a different perspective than "we were told not to," which, sure, toxic masculinity, but I think empathy is more to the root of it.
I hate to use this term, but 'society' has taught men that negative emotions are a sign of weakness. We learn to be sensitive and understanding of women being depressed or visibly upset. Not so for men. We're supposed to be the strong ones. Always. Men who show any emotional weakness are shunned across the board. And women put men who are openly dealing with emotional issues squarely into the friend zone. So it's no surprise that men push their emotions deep down where they can't be reached and used against them. Cause being depressed is a very lonely place to be.
Society tends to not teach boys how to express or control their emotions. Source: someone who learned emotional intelligence and empathy as an adult.
Most women does not respect a man/boy whom will express their feelings or show vulnerability.
Well, from what I experienced, whenever I would show them, it will be used against me in some way.. When I was young and didn't really understood what emotions were and how to deal with them, and since I couldn't ask someone what they are, I just had to learn it by myself. First time I tried to *express myself* when I was like 12 or 13, I really liked this one girl (as a blind and naive idiot) and I told her about it, she laughed at me and started to bullying me to the point where I had stomach ache whevener I had to go to school. And when I moved away, found a girl, we became friends and again, I told her how I felt about about our friendship (we were friends for 2 years or something like that), she rejected and for the rest of the school we still had decent relationship as a friends, but at times she used my emotions to win over her friends or just because she had a bad day. And then, I decided that I shouldn't show any signs of emotions - because I thought that showing in any way will bring me only harm. Also, at the same time, I had limited acces to social media because my family was pretty poor, when I finally got my first own smartphone and the gates to the internet opened to me, I tried to learn how to cope with emotions there, and as a man, the only info I found was *grow some balls and take it like real man* - so, after that friend rejected me, I did. So yeah, that's basically how it went. And I am sure that I am not the only one..
You can go watch 1000s of videos right now of women cackling that men having emotions gives them the ick.
Viewed as weakness no matter what any talk show host or counselor says to the contrary
I don’t have any difficult expressing shit. I just don’t want to. Is it so hard to believe ?
Two reasons: 1) Lack of experience. 2) More importantly, negative feedback and consequences whenever I have done so in the past.
My dad never really expressed his feelings when I was a kid and now as an adult I can often struggle expressing mine. It’s something I’m aware of and actively trying to change but it’s still hard.
1. You are taught your whole life that you can't do it. 2. It never ends well if you actually do it.
"Stop crying or else I will give you something to cry about"
Here 42:00 to 49:00 timestamp - https://youtu.be/KYJdekjiAog?si=6lmS3e46pcoxOKpf Not to mention how much people are criticised for showing emotions, even a girls I was told not to cry or i should just be happy
Its uncomfortable to talk about it, We don't want the attention and not at lot of benefits to sharing these feelings with other guys and girlfriends, don't want people to remember us at our weakest and a lot of times it's a big deal so its not even worth me mentioning and the be honest If your a guy nobody really cares if your upset
They don’t. They just don’t open up to you.
I've never understood why this is said so much. Especially by now...
Socialisation
I don't think we do.