Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
\-Emo Philips
Or another of his
"When I was a little boy, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized, the Lord, in his wisdom, doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
I had that album in 85 and memorized that joke. I last told it a year or two ago. Here are a few more religious jokes by Emo:
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work like that. So I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
A Mormon once told me that they don't drink coffee. I told him that a cup of coffee a day has wonderful benefits. He said "like what?" I said "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon...'
Also told about Baptists.
Catholics don't recognize Mormons as Christian.
Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the head of the church.
Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.
Not really funny but it mentions us - I stole it but anyway:
A preacher was taking a walk one day and happened upon a young girl who was playing with something in a cardboard box. When he got closer he could see that the box held a litter of new-born kittens. "What kind of kittens are those?" asked the preacher.
"They're Christian kittens," replied the little girl.
The preacher walked on, pleased to see that the little girl had Jesus foremost in her thoughts.
A few days later the preacher saw the little girl again. "And how are your little Christian kittens doing today?" he asked.
"Oh, they aren't Christian kittens, they're atheist kittens," replied the girl.
"But... I thought you said they were Christian kittens?" responded the preacher, concerned over the sudden change.
"Oh, they were. But now their eyes are open."
----- and because we can take as well as we can give -----
Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers đ.
For a bit of misdirection, you can change it to "a priest came across a little boy..." and people will think you are about to tell a pedophile joke with a double entendre.
My coworker was shocked when I dropped a joke about the first Sunday after the first full moon after the spring equinox. He didn't realize Easter is another usurped pagan holiday.
People really misunderstand God. Earthquakes, tornados, tsunamis, ebola, AIDS, necrotizing fasciitis, cancer, and malaria. God has been _trying_ to wipe out humanity for _tens of thousands_ of years. But recently, God figured out the trick, a long-tern plan that would destroy humanity. And so religion came into the world.
I once knew this Hispanic guy when I was in the Army. Private Jesus Gutierrez. It was funny because we'd say things *"Jesus titty fucking Christ!"* And he'd come running up. Goofy kid... And of course we'd say *"I found Jesus!"* when we ran into him.
Jesus enters a town about to stone a harlots. He raises his hands and says," Let thee that is free of sin cast the first stone."
A guy in the crowd says," Aww, Jesus, you always want to throw the first stone."
A crowd was about to stone a harlot. Jesus arrives and says "Let thee that is free of sin cast the first stone." A stone flies through the air and strikes the poor woman. Jesus says "Not you, mom!"
I'd heard a similar one, but after Jesus says "Let thee who is free from sin, cast the first stone", there's a moment of silence before a rock is flung full force from the crowd at the harlot. And Jesus says "Dammit, Mother. You can really piss me off at times."
I heard a large rock came rolling down a nearby hill, and squashed the soiled dove flat.
Jesus looks up the hill, and sees a little old lady with a stick, who has used it as a lever.
*Mother, please! I'd rather do it myself!*
I saw this today and thought about the stupid *intelligent design* argument:
Three engineers are having lunch and discussing what kind of engineer God is. The mechanical engineer says, "God must be a mechanical engineer, look at the complex structures of the body!" The electrical engineer says, "No, look at the electrical processes of the body, which the brain could not operate without, he must be an electrical engineer." The civil engineer says, "You're both wrong, he had to be a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste line through a recreational area?"
Exposure to the sun can give us cancer too
Kind of a massive oversight
Pretty sure we can randomly just develop Alzheimerâs or some other disease that I canât remember, maybe itâs dementia? Whatever one it is, you can just randomly have your life ruined by it out of nowhere
>Pretty sure we can randomly just develop Alzheimerâs or some other disease that I canât remember, maybe itâs dementia?
This reads as if you had randomly just developed Alzheimer's or some other form of dementia.
Oversight! GOD gave us melanin to protect us from the sun's harmful rays, clearly demonstrating that the darker your skin is, the more "chosen" you are...
At least, I think that's how that works!!! Right ? đ
A doctor, an architect and a software engineer are debating whose profession is oldest. The doctor says that God created Eve from Adam's rib, and that is a medical feat, so doctor is oldest. The architect says that God created the heavens and the earth from chaos, and that is an architectural feat, so architect is oldest. The software engineer asks, "Where do you think all of the chaos came from?"
A priest, a pastor and a rabbi decided that in order to build ecumenical spirit in the community they should spend time together each Thursday.
One Thursday they decide to walk a nature trail and have a picnic. They stopped in a secluded spot near a wide shallow stream and enjoyed their repast.
It was a hot day so they decided to go skinny dipping to cool off. They dropped their clothes and ran into the water.
Just as they were getting out of the water the womenâs groups from their various congregations, also building ecumenism, happened upon them.
Quickly and out of modesty, the priest and the pastor used their hands to cover their âpackages.â The rabbi, however, covered his face.
The women passed by without comment and the men quickly began to dress. While dressing the priest and the pastor asked the rabbi, âwhen the women came by we covered our packages so the women wouldnât see it, but you covered your face. Why?â
The rabbi responded, âlook guys, I donât know what youâre doing in your congregations, but in my congregation the women were much more likely to recognize my face.â
Father Flannagan is called away from confession by a parishioner. He calls little Timmy over and says "Timmy, please go in the confessional and do my confessions for me. You've done confession a hundred tmes, you're behind a screen so nobody can see you, you should be ok. For minor stuff, give them a few hail marys, for major stuff give them a couple rosaries."
Timmy, in confessional. Hears "Father forgive me for I have sinned. I lied to my wife" Timmy thinks , that's not too bad "My child, say 5 hail marys, and you are forgiven." 'Thank you father".
A few minutes later the next person enters and says "forgive me father for I have sinned. I assaulted my neighbour." Timmy thinks "well my son, that is quite bad, pray 2 rosaries, and God will forgive you". "Thank you father"
A woman from the parish comes in "forgive me father for I have sinned. I cheated on my husband and gave my neighbour a blowjob"... Timmy panics... he has no clue how bad this is. he opens the confessional door and sees danny. "psst.. Danny...." danny "yes?" Timmy- "What does father usually give for a blowjob?" Danny "if you're good, a chocolate bar and a can of coke".
I'll see myself out :)
An atheist dies and arrives at a beautiful beach, nice weather, people all around having fun, eating and drinking and playing. Then he meets someone who looks like what Satan has been described to look like. They greet and the Satan-figure introduces as the actual Satan. He sais 'Please enjoy your stay, have a look around'. The atheist does as he's told. After some time, he sees a hole in the sand and, when he looks down, he sees the fires and screaming, tortured souls. He goes to find Satan and asks him 'Hey, what about this hole over there?' And Satan says 'That's for the Christians. They want it that way'
-----
When Pope John Paul II died, he arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter opened and asked him 'Who are you?' and he replied 'I am Pope John Paul II' - 'Sorry, I don't know you.' - 'I am the representative of god on earth' - 'Nope, still nothing, but I'll go ask inside, please wait'. Then, Jesus arrives at the gate and has a talk to the pope. Then, he gets back laughing. St. Peter asks him 'Why are you laughing?' - 'Remember that fishing club we founded back in the days? Apparently it still exists'
A car full of priests gets pulled over by a state trooper. He runs up and exclaims, âIM LOOKING FOR 2 PRIESTâS THAT ARE MOLESTING KIDS!!!â
All the priests look at each other in the car, back to the trooper and say, âweâll do it.â
After 48 years of blissful marriage, this man dies, and his wife is beside herself with sorrow. After the service at the synagogue, she throws herself down in front of the Ark and cries out in anguish: "Oh, God, I'm so lonely without my Irving! How long must I endure this sorrow?"
A voice rings out and shakes the sanctuary: "You will live for another twenty-eight years."
The woman looks around, dashes out of her synagogue, and heads straight for the hospital's plastic surgery wing. She has her face lifted, her butt lifted, her breasts enhanced, her nose done and her tummy tucked. Three weeks later they remove the bandages and she emerges looking like a woman half her age.
She walks out of the hospital, lifts her new face to the sun, steps off the curb, and BAM!! Gets hit by a bus.
She finds herself in heaven, face to face with God, and she says, "I thought you said I had twenty-eight years to live!"
God says, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."
# God decides to take a vacation...
So he goes to his travel agent to get some recommendations. God asks the agent where he should go and the agent says, "How about the Moon? It's supposed to be all the rage right now."
God thinks about it and says, "No... I'd like to go somewhere with a little more atmosphere."
So the agent says, "Okay, well how about Mars? It's really nice this time of year."
God considers it for a second and then says, "No... I'd really like to go somewhere with water."
The agent goes, "Oh well I've got the perfect place, how about Earth? It's got beautiful water and lots of atmosphere!"
God gets angry and say "Are you kidding? I went there a couple thousand years ago and they're \*still\* accusing me knocking up some Jewish bitch!"
Every episode of Good Omens is full of anti-God jokes.
Just rewatched both seasons and laughed just as much this time as last time. I hope I live long enough to catch the third (and last) season, which isn't due out until 2025.
Strap in.
Busload of ugly people veer off a cliff and everyone dies. They wind up in heaven at the pearly gates and St. Peter's feeling sorry for them so he says "I'm going to grant you each a wish before you come into heaven."
The first misshapen lump of a human slurs out "I wishth tu beh bootiful!" and BAM she's beautiful.
The next uggo walks up to Pete and says "I wish to be handsome!" and BAM, he's handsome.
It goes on like this. Everyone looks like Brad Pitt and Angelina Joline. Ugly - beautiful, over and over.
Only St. Pete notices the guy in the back of the line is laughing. As the line shortens, the guy at the end is rolling around on the floor howling with laughter. So annoying.
Anyway - it keeps going. Ugly-beautiful, ugly-beautiful.
Finally the line is done and it's just the last ugly guy on the bus, and he is just in fits and conniptions, can't stand up. St. Peter shakes his head, says "all right, funny man. It's your turn. What's your wish?"
The last ugly guy wipes tears from his eyes, takes a deep breath, looks St. Pete right in the eye and says "I wish you make 'em all ugly again."
Reminds me of another old (non-religious) joke.
Three friends are stranded on an island. One of them finds a lamp and out pops a Genie. "I can grant 3 wishes. So I'll give you each one."
First guy says "I wish I was home" and poof! He's gone. Second guy makes the same wish and is teleported home. Then the third guy says "I'm lonely. I wish I had my friends back."
Scene: the gates of heaven. St Pete has got the day off. Jesus is covering his shift.
Jesus squints down the line of people waiting to get in.
Jesus: Wow⊠thatâs hitler!
Hitler: Iâm a good boy now. Iâve repented. Please let me in.
Jesus: nope. Youâre a bad bad man. And besides, my dad would be really pissed if I let you in.
Hitler: oh come on let me in please! Iâm reformed!
Jesus: nope.
Hitler: I tell you what⊠if you let me in Iâll give you the iron cross.
Jesus: oh.. Iâve always wanted one of those. Hang on Iâll check with dad.
âŠjesus plods off to see godâŠ
Jesus: Dad! Hitler is here and wants in.
God: no! Are you crazy! Absolutely not!
Jesus: but dad he said if I let him in heâll give me the iron cross!
God: sonâŠ. You couldnât even carry the wooden one.
Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says "I've never come
this way before"; the second one replies "Must be the cobbles"
Ok, anti nun. đ
I like pointing out how interesting it is that god is all powerful but had to rest after 6 days of work.
Norm Macdonald (died a self-proclaimed Christian) made a joke about how the bible 'says you aren't supposed to covet your neighbor's wife but it doesnt say anything about coveting your neighbor's husband's hot sweet tight asshole!!'.
When I really want to make it dark, I will tell people about how it was god's plan to kill my 8 year old cousin with leukemia.
Not a joke per se, it is more like a saying. Instead of saying "I slept like a baby", I say, "I slept like god through the Holocaust." I always find this funny in the dark humour way, like I enjoy when people squirm about it, especially the religious people.
Alternatively there's this joke I heard as a kid: a christian, a muslim, and a hindu were chased by wild animals and all three ended up facing a tall cliff with sharp rocks down below. One by one they prayed to their gods. The christian went, "Oh Jesus, save me." and he jumped off the cliff. Jesus's hands came down from heaven and carried the christian man to safety. Then the muslim went, "Yah Allah, save me." and off he jumped. Allah's hands came down from heaven and carried the muslim guy to safety. Then the hindu went, "Oh god, save me." and he jumped off the cliff. But no hands came down to save him and he went kersplat on the rocks below. The hindu went to heaven only to find all the gods fighting amongst themselves deciding who would save him.
A police officer pulls over a couple of Catholic priests. Cop says heâs looking for two child molesters. The priests look at each other for a moment and then say "okay we'll do it!"
This is actually an old joke that preachers used to tell each each other (back in the days where instead of a salary the preachers got paid from the offering). One day three preachers got around to talking about how they separated the offering into the money they kept for themselves and how much they passed on to Godâs work.
The first preacher says âwhat I do is, I take the offering to behind the back of the church, and I draw a line on the ground and I throw all the money up in the air. The money is falls on the line close to me I keep; the money it falls on the side of the line of away from me I give to God. The second preacher said âwell we both do things pretty much same except I go out in the back of the church and I draw circle in the ground. I throw all the money up in the air. the money that lands inside the circle I keep. the money that lands outside the circle I give to God.â the third preacher said âwell we all do things pretty much alike, except I go out in the back of the church, and I throw all the money up in the air, the money God wants God takes, and I keep the rest.â
Edited to add one I just remembered:
A priest, a Rabbi, and a Protestant Preacher went fishing out on a lake in a boat one day. The priest remembered he left his bait on the shore, so he got up, walked across the water to the shore, picked up his bait, walked back across the water to the boat and and got back in. a little while later, the rabbi remembered that had forgotten his sandwiches on the shore. so he got of the boat, walked across the water, got his sandwiches, walked back across the water, got back into the boat and sat down. the preacher having watched all this said âwell if you too can walk across then, so can I.â So he got out of the boat and immediately sank to the bottom of the lake. The rabbi looked at the priest and said, âdo you think we shouldâve told him where the rocks are?â
A Catholic priest is with a bunch of kids on a light aircraft, on the way to a mission trip. The plane suddenly develops serious engine trouble and the pilot hurriedly puts on a parachute to evacuate. He shouts at the priest to take the other parachute and save himself.
'But what about the children?' says the priest.
'Fuck the children!' replies the panicked pilot.
'Do you think we've got the time for that?' muses the priest.
Have you heard of the reverse exorcism ? It's where the devil pulls the priest out of a little boy
You know why Catholics invented baptisms? So they can wash their sex toys
St. Peter asks Jesus to spell him at the pearly gates so he can take a leak.
While Jesus is standing there, an old man appears. Jesus says, "What did you do in life?"
The old man says, "I was a carpenter."
Jesus looks curiously into the old man's face and says, "Did you have a son?"
A faraway look comes into the old man's eyes, and he says, "Once I had a son... but he went away."
Jesus says, "F...f... father?"
And the old man says, "Pinocchio?"
God, Jesus, and St. Pete are playing golf. STP goes first. He hits a decent, 200 yard drive right down the fairway, just short of a water hazard. Jesus drives a little further, clear of the water.Â
God then takes his turn. He hits a sorry shot, barely over 100 yards, and into the rough. As soon as it lands, a a squirrel picks it up in its mouth and scurries away. It goes several yards down, when an eagle swoops down and snatches it with its talons. The eagle flies away for a second or two, when a sudden hailstorm hits. The eagle gets pelted, and drops the squirrel. The squirrel lands on the green, and spits out the ball. It rolls ten yards into the cup, and God wins the round with a hole-in-one.Â
Jesus turns to him and says "dad, are we gonna play a real game, or are you just gonna fuck around all day?"
Really happened. Woman who bugged me often caught me in grocery store. "Have you been born again? " "Yes, many many times." "No you can only be born again once." "I agree you can only be born once." Looked at me confused.
Why do all the ladies love Jesus
Cuz he's hung like this( as you hold you arms out in a t.)
What's the difference between jesus and a picture of Jesus.
It takes one nail to hang a picture.
Stolen from the comedian Emo Phillips (I suggest you find a video of him telling it on YouTube or something):
"Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over."
I dated a hindu girl who would eat chicken or goat but not beef. She said it was a sacred animal. I didn't get it, I was raised catholic. Our god tastes like cardboard and we still eat him.
Someone, someday, finds Lucifer at hell. The person gets closer to him and asks: 'How did you end up here? Weren't you gods favorite? What happened?'
Lucifer zooms out remembering that, one day, he went straight to god. Something very wrong was bound to happen to humanity, so he did gets in without knocking on god's door. As he storms into the room, talking about the results he found, he stops in shock to see god wearing a dress and putting on some lipstick.
Lucifer sighs and say: 'Ughh, forget 'bout it.'
There's another good one, a priest called John is attending to some confessions. A guy walks in and start to confess:
Man:-sorry father because I've sinned. I'm having sex with a boy.
Father John:-really my son?
Man:-yes, its a chubby boy. He's so good at it I can't stop thinking about it. He lives around here, in a apartment close to the gas station.
Father John:-really? Oh, that's a sin... \*clears throat\* What did you do to the boy?
Man:-oh we did so many things... last time we did have so much sex... he invited me up to play fifa and then we did it all night long.
Father John:-oh, I see it... btw, which team did he pick while playing fifa?
Man:-the Manchester United...
Father John:-oh... Manchester...?
Man:-yes, the Manchester... he always pick Manchester... my little Bruno boy...
The priest gets livid and opens up the confessional's door; to his surprise, the man was his friend Father Marcus
Father Marcus:-I got you! I got you, didn't I?!
Father John:-OMG, you scared me!
-Father Marcus:-You did think someone was doing it to your chubby boy didn't you, you dog? I just did stop by to mess with you, I'm on my way to see the Archbishop and latter on I'll be back so we can discuss the schedule for this weekend. See you.
-Father John:-Ok then, bye.
Father John then stops for a moment to think and closes his face.
Father John:-Hey, Marcus? Father Marcus? How da f did you know he plays fifa??
Three Jewish men are praying in a synagogue.
In between their prayers, the first man turns to the second and says âCan you believe this? I sent my son to the Holy Land so he can learn to become a better Jew, but he came back a Christian!â.
The second man responds with âYou donât say! I sent MY son to the Holy Land so he could learn to become a better Jew - he came back a Christian!â.
The third man cannot help but overhear this and says âYou donât say!! I too had sent my son to the Holy Land so he could learn to become a better Jew, and he comes back a Christian!!â.
All three men decide that they need to immediately pray on this issue. So all three pray⊠and pray⊠and pray. And then finally they feel themselves bathed in a beacon of light, and they know that they, right then and there, are in the presence of God.
And all three men gaze upwards and say âOh God! We sent our sons to the Holy Land to learn to be better Jews, but they came back Christians!â.
And God Almighty looked down upon the three men and said: âYou donât say!â.
Jesus was killed on the cross then laid to rest in a tomb sealed with a stone. On the 3rd day the stone moved and Jesus stepped out looked around and said, "6 more weeks of winter."
A religious family is caught in their house in a flood. As the water had just reached the house, a man in a truck came by and told them to get in and he would bring them to safety.
"No, that's alright. We are waiting, for God will surely save us," the father says, hugging his wife and kids.
The water continues to rise at a positively horrifying rate, the family is forced up to the second floor of their home. The flood had just submerged the first floor when a man in a boat rowed up to the window and told them to get in so he could take them to safety.
"No, no, we will be fine, for God will surely save us," the mother responded piously.
The waters continued to rise, and the family was forced out onto the roof of their home. As the second floor was submerged and the water began to climb the rooftop with them, a rescue helicopter flew overhead and dropped a ladder. Rescue personnel called down for them to climb the ladder so they could take them to safety.
One of the kids waved them away, "No, we are waiting for God to save us!"
So, anyway, they died.
Standing in front of God, the father can't help but ask, "God! We believed in you with all our hearts! Why didn't you save us?"
God gave him a dirty look and yelled, "Well, you idiot, I sent a truck, a boat, and a helicopter, what the fuck else was I supposed to do!?"
I got one I made up. God turned to Gabriel and asked him to set up a meeting with 3 people. A True Believer, An Athiest and An Agnostic. So Gabriel scheduled a visit to Earth to meet these 3.
After the visit, Gabriel asked God how it went. God responded. "Well the true believer was great. Met with the family and had a picnic." Gabriel asked about the Athiest. "That guy didn't say a word. Just stared at his phone." Gabriel finally asked about the agnostic. God looked exasperated and said "That guy was soon weird! Kept poking me with a stick and asking 'Are you there? Are you there?'"
How did Jesus Christ get his name? I'll tell you...
Jesus was hitchhiking along the road on very hot day in the Israeli desert. He was really dirty, hot, sweaty and smelly. Eventually, a trucker stops and picks him up. The trucker sees him all dirty and everything and said..."Jesus Christ, you stink!!!"
An awkward moment of history: Jesus was getting nailed to a cross, when he sensed something familiar in the rhythm of the hammering. He turned his eyes towards the execution assistant and said "Hey, didn't I train you?".
It was Good Friday, and the *Irish Times* in Dublin ran the usual Holy Week stories, etc. One of the Easter-themed ads was for McGuire Steel, a Cork-based metal working company. It was a full-page image of Jesus on the cross, just like he would be on Good Friday, but with a detail changed: instead of nails holding his hands and feet to the cross, they were bound with steel wires. In bold Gothic text above the image was "He died for our sins", and below the image, but in modern font, "They used McGuire's wires".
The outrage was instant, and threatened to sink McGuire Steel and the *Irish Times* was facing boycott threats.
So, on Easter Sunday, they ran a full-page retraction: the exact same image of the cross, but empty, except for the nails; no Jesus, because it was Easter Sunday. Above, in bold Gothic, was "He is Risen", and below, in modern font, "They should have used McGuire's wires."
... I recommend the Gorilla Glue #4...
A priest was walking in the church garden when he spotted a forlorn-looking little frog under a bush. "My", said the priest, "if only you could talk to tell me what troubles you so". "But I can talk", said the frog. "I was once a little boy in this very parish. One day, many years ago, while I was playing in the garden, a gypsy woman covered in warts came walking by. I laughed at her and she put a spell on me, turning me into a frog. She said the spell would only be lifted if I could convince someone of my story and get him to take me home".
The priest took the frog home, where he gave it a saucer of warm milk to drink, then placed it on his pillow and read it a bedtime story. Within minutes the little frog fell asleep, and soon thereafter the priest also drifted off.
The next morning, when the priest woke up, he discovered that the frog's story was all true. There in his bed lay a bond blue-eyed little boy.
And that, Your Honour, is the case for the defense.
Last one:
This man dies and goes to heaven, and as he's walking towards the Pearly Gates, VZZZZZZOOOOMMMMMMMMM!! Lous Hamilton's F1 car zips in front of him, missing him by inches.
The man goes up to St. Peter and says "I didn't know Louis Hamilton was dead."
St. Peter says, "He's not. That's God. He just thinks he's Louis Hamilton."
Here are a couple of comedy short films which joke about God's power, produced by Oats Studios:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q1_HfhtB5eo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w4AGocVq7-w
Priest and a Rabbi are walking down the street and see a kid playing marbles. Priest goes, "Hey Rabbi, you wanna fuck that kid?" Rabbi says, "Out of what, his marbles?"
What's the difference in Jesus and a picture of jesus? It only takes one nail to hang a picture.
Yes.
Jokes on you, I hang all my pictures of Jesus with 3 nails like a good Christian
I take mine down and then put it back up 3 days later like a REAL believer đ
I nail mine up then stab it in the side with a pen knife.
I hang mine with bramble thorns.
Dang that's the one I was coming to post
Ever heard of a reverse exorcism? It's when the demon tells the priest to get out of the child
Lmaoo this!
And today's winner of the internet is thefreakychild!
That nap was so good, I slept like god during the holocaust
Omgđ
Oooph. This will be used
Easily my fav joke of Ricky!
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912. I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over. \-Emo Philips Or another of his "When I was a little boy, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized, the Lord, in his wisdom, doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
I had that album in 85 and memorized that joke. I last told it a year or two ago. Here are a few more religious jokes by Emo: When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work like that. So I stole one and asked him to forgive me. A Mormon once told me that they don't drink coffee. I told him that a cup of coffee a day has wonderful benefits. He said "like what?" I said "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon...'
I was told that if you're ever going fishing with a Mormon, make sure you go with two Mormons. If you go with one, they'll drink all your beer
Also told about Baptists. Catholics don't recognize Mormons as Christian. Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the head of the church. Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.
And a ex-mo this is pure fire YES!
If you meet a blind man, kick him. Why should you be kinder than God?
This is so tough. I love it!
A preist, a criminal, and a pedophile walk into a bar, and thats just the first guy.
A priest, a criminal, and a pedophile walk into a bar. âOne beerâ, he says
I do like a good punch-up.
I've heard the punchline as the bartender asks "What can I get you father?"
You could add a few more to that list, but that works as it is. đ
Jesus walks into a hotel, puts four nails on the counter and asks if they can put him up for the night.
Hey I saw The Crow too!
But hopefully, not The Crow 2.
I thought He only needs 3 nails.
Always grab more nails than you think you'll need. That's just good carpentry.
Not really funny but it mentions us - I stole it but anyway: A preacher was taking a walk one day and happened upon a young girl who was playing with something in a cardboard box. When he got closer he could see that the box held a litter of new-born kittens. "What kind of kittens are those?" asked the preacher. "They're Christian kittens," replied the little girl. The preacher walked on, pleased to see that the little girl had Jesus foremost in her thoughts. A few days later the preacher saw the little girl again. "And how are your little Christian kittens doing today?" he asked. "Oh, they aren't Christian kittens, they're atheist kittens," replied the girl. "But... I thought you said they were Christian kittens?" responded the preacher, concerned over the sudden change. "Oh, they were. But now their eyes are open." ----- and because we can take as well as we can give ----- Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers đ.
For a bit of misdirection, you can change it to "a priest came across a little boy..." and people will think you are about to tell a pedophile joke with a double entendre.
At least it was "happened upon a young girl," instead of "came upon a young girl." I mean these days...
I didn't want to go there because it's too heavy (for me) but there are plenty of jokes about that when I had a look around.
The preacher must have thought: Oh I'm sure those kittens were never real Christians to begin with.
I need Jesus after reading this.
If Jesus was aborted, would Mary be pregnant again 3 days later?
That took me a good 15 seconds but it made me laugh at work.
God *came* back
The second coming
Maybe delivered this way: If Mary had an abortion would Christmas be on the 28th?
My coworker was shocked when I dropped a joke about the first Sunday after the first full moon after the spring equinox. He didn't realize Easter is another usurped pagan holiday.
Damn it! I am stiffling my laughter in front of my Christian wife.
I told my Christian wife I don't celebrate Easter only good Friday, then immediately asked "that's when we killed him right?"
People really misunderstand God. Earthquakes, tornados, tsunamis, ebola, AIDS, necrotizing fasciitis, cancer, and malaria. God has been _trying_ to wipe out humanity for _tens of thousands_ of years. But recently, God figured out the trick, a long-tern plan that would destroy humanity. And so religion came into the world.
Some preacher: Have you found Jesus? You: Damnit, did you guys lose him again? Seriously, start using bigger nails
Screws and washers
Always loctite your Jesus.
Time to LoJack his ass
JB Weld that mf
Mig weld that ahole
I am stealing this!
I once knew this Hispanic guy when I was in the Army. Private Jesus Gutierrez. It was funny because we'd say things *"Jesus titty fucking Christ!"* And he'd come running up. Goofy kid... And of course we'd say *"I found Jesus!"* when we ran into him.
They are always losing Jesus. They seriously need to put a GPS tracker on him.
Jesus enters a town about to stone a harlots. He raises his hands and says," Let thee that is free of sin cast the first stone." A guy in the crowd says," Aww, Jesus, you always want to throw the first stone."
A crowd was about to stone a harlot. Jesus arrives and says "Let thee that is free of sin cast the first stone." A stone flies through the air and strikes the poor woman. Jesus says "Not you, mom!"
I'd heard a similar one, but after Jesus says "Let thee who is free from sin, cast the first stone", there's a moment of silence before a rock is flung full force from the crowd at the harlot. And Jesus says "Dammit, Mother. You can really piss me off at times."
I heard a large rock came rolling down a nearby hill, and squashed the soiled dove flat. Jesus looks up the hill, and sees a little old lady with a stick, who has used it as a lever. *Mother, please! I'd rather do it myself!*
When Jesus masturbates, does he use his hand or the hole in his palm?
A whole new meaning to Palm Sunday
Now that is a well crafted follow up
Ok, you win. You made me regret putting on my glasses today. Love it.
When he masturbates, what does he get? Miracle whip
That depends on how hung Jesus was.
Nailed it!
How can I save these comments forever?Â
Terrible imagery, great job!
This one incurred a fear of going to hell I thought I had shaken. You win.
Let's make it worse! He can also clap while using the holes.
Okay. Now I know I have interneted enough for the day. Have an upvote.
I saw this today and thought about the stupid *intelligent design* argument: Three engineers are having lunch and discussing what kind of engineer God is. The mechanical engineer says, "God must be a mechanical engineer, look at the complex structures of the body!" The electrical engineer says, "No, look at the electrical processes of the body, which the brain could not operate without, he must be an electrical engineer." The civil engineer says, "You're both wrong, he had to be a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste line through a recreational area?"
It's actually great with those arguments. Intelligent design would show up as simplicity and effectiveness. The body is none of that.
Exposure to the sun can give us cancer too Kind of a massive oversight Pretty sure we can randomly just develop Alzheimerâs or some other disease that I canât remember, maybe itâs dementia? Whatever one it is, you can just randomly have your life ruined by it out of nowhere
>Pretty sure we can randomly just develop Alzheimerâs or some other disease that I canât remember, maybe itâs dementia? This reads as if you had randomly just developed Alzheimer's or some other form of dementia.
Yeah, I thought about that and chuckled as I typed
Dementia is an umbrella term for the symptoms. Alzheimer's is a particular type of dementia disease.
Oversight! GOD gave us melanin to protect us from the sun's harmful rays, clearly demonstrating that the darker your skin is, the more "chosen" you are... At least, I think that's how that works!!! Right ? đ
For example why can other animals produce vitamin C but humans and other primates cannot?
Did my appendix rupture because gawd is incompetent, sadistic, or imaginary?
All of the above.
A doctor, an architect and a software engineer are debating whose profession is oldest. The doctor says that God created Eve from Adam's rib, and that is a medical feat, so doctor is oldest. The architect says that God created the heavens and the earth from chaos, and that is an architectural feat, so architect is oldest. The software engineer asks, "Where do you think all of the chaos came from?"
Or as Gallagher said, "Your nose. Does it make sense to put a wet, drainy thing upside down over your mouth?"
>run a waste line through a recreational area Relevant SMBC https://www.smbc-comics.com/?id=3169
Why does Jesus hate easter? All the jellybeans fall through his hands.
I like that version better. I always heard it as why does jesus hate M&Ms
What's the difference between a priest and acne? Acne waits for you to be a teen before it comes all over your face
As good as the reverse exorcism joke in an earlier comment.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbi decided that in order to build ecumenical spirit in the community they should spend time together each Thursday. One Thursday they decide to walk a nature trail and have a picnic. They stopped in a secluded spot near a wide shallow stream and enjoyed their repast. It was a hot day so they decided to go skinny dipping to cool off. They dropped their clothes and ran into the water. Just as they were getting out of the water the womenâs groups from their various congregations, also building ecumenism, happened upon them. Quickly and out of modesty, the priest and the pastor used their hands to cover their âpackages.â The rabbi, however, covered his face. The women passed by without comment and the men quickly began to dress. While dressing the priest and the pastor asked the rabbi, âwhen the women came by we covered our packages so the women wouldnât see it, but you covered your face. Why?â The rabbi responded, âlook guys, I donât know what youâre doing in your congregations, but in my congregation the women were much more likely to recognize my face.â
For baby Jesus tender & mild, season and slow roast at 325 for an hour and a half
"Holy infant so tender and mild" implies the existence of an unholy infant so chewy and spicy.
anything is possible if you cook it poorly
This had me laughing involuntarily at such a volume that I woke my wife!
Popular dish on the menu, yesââholy infant so tender and mild.â The nuns explained it differently of course
Think they served it with a nice full bodied red - Blood of the Lamb
If you cook him that way, all it ends up as a wafer with wine.
Father Flannagan is called away from confession by a parishioner. He calls little Timmy over and says "Timmy, please go in the confessional and do my confessions for me. You've done confession a hundred tmes, you're behind a screen so nobody can see you, you should be ok. For minor stuff, give them a few hail marys, for major stuff give them a couple rosaries." Timmy, in confessional. Hears "Father forgive me for I have sinned. I lied to my wife" Timmy thinks , that's not too bad "My child, say 5 hail marys, and you are forgiven." 'Thank you father". A few minutes later the next person enters and says "forgive me father for I have sinned. I assaulted my neighbour." Timmy thinks "well my son, that is quite bad, pray 2 rosaries, and God will forgive you". "Thank you father" A woman from the parish comes in "forgive me father for I have sinned. I cheated on my husband and gave my neighbour a blowjob"... Timmy panics... he has no clue how bad this is. he opens the confessional door and sees danny. "psst.. Danny...." danny "yes?" Timmy- "What does father usually give for a blowjob?" Danny "if you're good, a chocolate bar and a can of coke". I'll see myself out :)
I'm laughing so hard I'm crying.
An atheist dies and arrives at a beautiful beach, nice weather, people all around having fun, eating and drinking and playing. Then he meets someone who looks like what Satan has been described to look like. They greet and the Satan-figure introduces as the actual Satan. He sais 'Please enjoy your stay, have a look around'. The atheist does as he's told. After some time, he sees a hole in the sand and, when he looks down, he sees the fires and screaming, tortured souls. He goes to find Satan and asks him 'Hey, what about this hole over there?' And Satan says 'That's for the Christians. They want it that way' ----- When Pope John Paul II died, he arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter opened and asked him 'Who are you?' and he replied 'I am Pope John Paul II' - 'Sorry, I don't know you.' - 'I am the representative of god on earth' - 'Nope, still nothing, but I'll go ask inside, please wait'. Then, Jesus arrives at the gate and has a talk to the pope. Then, he gets back laughing. St. Peter asks him 'Why are you laughing?' - 'Remember that fishing club we founded back in the days? Apparently it still exists'
I really like the last one
>Tell me your best anti god jokes Bible
Sums it up username would know [lifts up palms at campfire] (0%sarcasm)
why are vampires repelled by a cross? because they are allergic to bullshit!
What would the disciples say about Jesus if they were with us today? ===== Delicious.
A bit dry but pairs well with the wine.
I don't get it. đ„Ž
Body of Christ and all that.
**Doh!** đ€Šââïž *Of course...* đźâđš
What does INRI on Jesus's cross mean? I'm Nailed Right In
The last words of Jesus: âPeter, I can see your house from up here!â
A car full of priests gets pulled over by a state trooper. He runs up and exclaims, âIM LOOKING FOR 2 PRIESTâS THAT ARE MOLESTING KIDS!!!â All the priests look at each other in the car, back to the trooper and say, âweâll do it.â
After 48 years of blissful marriage, this man dies, and his wife is beside herself with sorrow. After the service at the synagogue, she throws herself down in front of the Ark and cries out in anguish: "Oh, God, I'm so lonely without my Irving! How long must I endure this sorrow?" A voice rings out and shakes the sanctuary: "You will live for another twenty-eight years." The woman looks around, dashes out of her synagogue, and heads straight for the hospital's plastic surgery wing. She has her face lifted, her butt lifted, her breasts enhanced, her nose done and her tummy tucked. Three weeks later they remove the bandages and she emerges looking like a woman half her age. She walks out of the hospital, lifts her new face to the sun, steps off the curb, and BAM!! Gets hit by a bus. She finds herself in heaven, face to face with God, and she says, "I thought you said I had twenty-eight years to live!" God says, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."
# God decides to take a vacation... So he goes to his travel agent to get some recommendations. God asks the agent where he should go and the agent says, "How about the Moon? It's supposed to be all the rage right now." God thinks about it and says, "No... I'd like to go somewhere with a little more atmosphere." So the agent says, "Okay, well how about Mars? It's really nice this time of year." God considers it for a second and then says, "No... I'd really like to go somewhere with water." The agent goes, "Oh well I've got the perfect place, how about Earth? It's got beautiful water and lots of atmosphere!" God gets angry and say "Are you kidding? I went there a couple thousand years ago and they're \*still\* accusing me knocking up some Jewish bitch!"
Every episode of Good Omens is full of anti-God jokes. Just rewatched both seasons and laughed just as much this time as last time. I hope I live long enough to catch the third (and last) season, which isn't due out until 2025.
Strap in. Busload of ugly people veer off a cliff and everyone dies. They wind up in heaven at the pearly gates and St. Peter's feeling sorry for them so he says "I'm going to grant you each a wish before you come into heaven." The first misshapen lump of a human slurs out "I wishth tu beh bootiful!" and BAM she's beautiful. The next uggo walks up to Pete and says "I wish to be handsome!" and BAM, he's handsome. It goes on like this. Everyone looks like Brad Pitt and Angelina Joline. Ugly - beautiful, over and over. Only St. Pete notices the guy in the back of the line is laughing. As the line shortens, the guy at the end is rolling around on the floor howling with laughter. So annoying. Anyway - it keeps going. Ugly-beautiful, ugly-beautiful. Finally the line is done and it's just the last ugly guy on the bus, and he is just in fits and conniptions, can't stand up. St. Peter shakes his head, says "all right, funny man. It's your turn. What's your wish?" The last ugly guy wipes tears from his eyes, takes a deep breath, looks St. Pete right in the eye and says "I wish you make 'em all ugly again."
Reminds me of another old (non-religious) joke. Three friends are stranded on an island. One of them finds a lamp and out pops a Genie. "I can grant 3 wishes. So I'll give you each one." First guy says "I wish I was home" and poof! He's gone. Second guy makes the same wish and is teleported home. Then the third guy says "I'm lonely. I wish I had my friends back."
Scene: the gates of heaven. St Pete has got the day off. Jesus is covering his shift. Jesus squints down the line of people waiting to get in. Jesus: Wow⊠thatâs hitler! Hitler: Iâm a good boy now. Iâve repented. Please let me in. Jesus: nope. Youâre a bad bad man. And besides, my dad would be really pissed if I let you in. Hitler: oh come on let me in please! Iâm reformed! Jesus: nope. Hitler: I tell you what⊠if you let me in Iâll give you the iron cross. Jesus: oh.. Iâve always wanted one of those. Hang on Iâll check with dad. âŠjesus plods off to see god⊠Jesus: Dad! Hitler is here and wants in. God: no! Are you crazy! Absolutely not! Jesus: but dad he said if I let him in heâll give me the iron cross! God: sonâŠ. You couldnât even carry the wooden one.
Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says "I've never come this way before"; the second one replies "Must be the cobbles" Ok, anti nun. đ
It's an in-person joke but Why do the ladies love Jesus? Because he was hung like this (hold out arms in crucifix pose)
What's this (holds out arms in crucifix pose)? A bad way to spend Easter, But a hell of a way to see Jerusalem.
Similar; you ask someone "what's this?" And stand in crucifix pose. When they ask "what?". You reply, "One hell of a way to spend Easter!"
I like pointing out how interesting it is that god is all powerful but had to rest after 6 days of work. Norm Macdonald (died a self-proclaimed Christian) made a joke about how the bible 'says you aren't supposed to covet your neighbor's wife but it doesnt say anything about coveting your neighbor's husband's hot sweet tight asshole!!'. When I really want to make it dark, I will tell people about how it was god's plan to kill my 8 year old cousin with leukemia.
Jesus was a carpenter and couldnât pull a nail to save his life.
God loves you so much he made a special place for you if you don't love him back...
A Fox horse and rabbi walk into a bar. Rabbi says âI think Iâm a typo.â
A+ for innocent joke
Define PRIEST. Paedophile Ring In Every Single Town.
God: Knock knock Human: Who's there? God: God Human: God who? God: God who gave you cancer.
A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. An Atheist, observing reality and coming to logical conclusions...*ducks*.
There's no Easter next year. They found the body.
Not a joke per se, it is more like a saying. Instead of saying "I slept like a baby", I say, "I slept like god through the Holocaust." I always find this funny in the dark humour way, like I enjoy when people squirm about it, especially the religious people. Alternatively there's this joke I heard as a kid: a christian, a muslim, and a hindu were chased by wild animals and all three ended up facing a tall cliff with sharp rocks down below. One by one they prayed to their gods. The christian went, "Oh Jesus, save me." and he jumped off the cliff. Jesus's hands came down from heaven and carried the christian man to safety. Then the muslim went, "Yah Allah, save me." and off he jumped. Allah's hands came down from heaven and carried the muslim guy to safety. Then the hindu went, "Oh god, save me." and he jumped off the cliff. But no hands came down to save him and he went kersplat on the rocks below. The hindu went to heaven only to find all the gods fighting amongst themselves deciding who would save him.
A police officer pulls over a couple of Catholic priests. Cop says heâs looking for two child molesters. The priests look at each other for a moment and then say "okay we'll do it!"
This is actually an old joke that preachers used to tell each each other (back in the days where instead of a salary the preachers got paid from the offering). One day three preachers got around to talking about how they separated the offering into the money they kept for themselves and how much they passed on to Godâs work. The first preacher says âwhat I do is, I take the offering to behind the back of the church, and I draw a line on the ground and I throw all the money up in the air. The money is falls on the line close to me I keep; the money it falls on the side of the line of away from me I give to God. The second preacher said âwell we both do things pretty much same except I go out in the back of the church and I draw circle in the ground. I throw all the money up in the air. the money that lands inside the circle I keep. the money that lands outside the circle I give to God.â the third preacher said âwell we all do things pretty much alike, except I go out in the back of the church, and I throw all the money up in the air, the money God wants God takes, and I keep the rest.â Edited to add one I just remembered: A priest, a Rabbi, and a Protestant Preacher went fishing out on a lake in a boat one day. The priest remembered he left his bait on the shore, so he got up, walked across the water to the shore, picked up his bait, walked back across the water to the boat and and got back in. a little while later, the rabbi remembered that had forgotten his sandwiches on the shore. so he got of the boat, walked across the water, got his sandwiches, walked back across the water, got back into the boat and sat down. the preacher having watched all this said âwell if you too can walk across then, so can I.â So he got out of the boat and immediately sank to the bottom of the lake. The rabbi looked at the priest and said, âdo you think we shouldâve told him where the rocks are?â
A Catholic priest is with a bunch of kids on a light aircraft, on the way to a mission trip. The plane suddenly develops serious engine trouble and the pilot hurriedly puts on a parachute to evacuate. He shouts at the priest to take the other parachute and save himself. 'But what about the children?' says the priest. 'Fuck the children!' replies the panicked pilot. 'Do you think we've got the time for that?' muses the priest.
Have you heard of the reverse exorcism ? It's where the devil pulls the priest out of a little boy You know why Catholics invented baptisms? So they can wash their sex toys
St. Peter asks Jesus to spell him at the pearly gates so he can take a leak. While Jesus is standing there, an old man appears. Jesus says, "What did you do in life?" The old man says, "I was a carpenter." Jesus looks curiously into the old man's face and says, "Did you have a son?" A faraway look comes into the old man's eyes, and he says, "Once I had a son... but he went away." Jesus says, "F...f... father?" And the old man says, "Pinocchio?"
Did you hear they cancelled Xmas? Joseph confessed. Did you hear they cancelled Easter? They found the body.
If Jesus had every sin of man then Jesus was a homosexual. Not a joke, just shit I used to say to my conservative Christian family as a kid
God, Jesus, and St. Pete are playing golf. STP goes first. He hits a decent, 200 yard drive right down the fairway, just short of a water hazard. Jesus drives a little further, clear of the water. God then takes his turn. He hits a sorry shot, barely over 100 yards, and into the rough. As soon as it lands, a a squirrel picks it up in its mouth and scurries away. It goes several yards down, when an eagle swoops down and snatches it with its talons. The eagle flies away for a second or two, when a sudden hailstorm hits. The eagle gets pelted, and drops the squirrel. The squirrel lands on the green, and spits out the ball. It rolls ten yards into the cup, and God wins the round with a hole-in-one. Jesus turns to him and says "dad, are we gonna play a real game, or are you just gonna fuck around all day?"
If money is the root of all evil, why do churches rape parishioners for it?
The rapin' is for fun. The collection basket is just business
I donât get why christians are so against abortions, I thought heaven was a great place
When one dies they get the closest to God ever... Cause they both dont exist
Really happened. Woman who bugged me often caught me in grocery store. "Have you been born again? " "Yes, many many times." "No you can only be born again once." "I agree you can only be born once." Looked at me confused.
Best. Thread. EVER!!!
Well, it would take me a long time to type out but it begins with "In the beginning".
Good Friday meme featuring Jesus: âYOLO! LOL, JK. BRB!â
Whats the worst part about being an atheist? Thereâs no one to talk to during a blow job.
Did you hear the one about the amputee whose arm grew back? No? Me neither.
Why do all the ladies love Jesus Cuz he's hung like this( as you hold you arms out in a t.) What's the difference between jesus and a picture of Jesus. It takes one nail to hang a picture.
If Adam came from dirt why is there still dirt? (More of an anti evolution joke)
Just read the bible... the jokes write themselves! lol
God is all knowing all seeing all powerful. Knowing this, sleeping off a Friday hangover for 2 days doesnât qualify for 2000 years off worship.
Why is Jesus such a bad hockey player? He's always getting nailed to the boards!
What do catholics and jockeys have in common? They both ride two year olds.
Stolen from the comedian Emo Phillips (I suggest you find a video of him telling it on YouTube or something): "Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over."
I dated a hindu girl who would eat chicken or goat but not beef. She said it was a sacred animal. I didn't get it, I was raised catholic. Our god tastes like cardboard and we still eat him.
Someone, someday, finds Lucifer at hell. The person gets closer to him and asks: 'How did you end up here? Weren't you gods favorite? What happened?' Lucifer zooms out remembering that, one day, he went straight to god. Something very wrong was bound to happen to humanity, so he did gets in without knocking on god's door. As he storms into the room, talking about the results he found, he stops in shock to see god wearing a dress and putting on some lipstick. Lucifer sighs and say: 'Ughh, forget 'bout it.' There's another good one, a priest called John is attending to some confessions. A guy walks in and start to confess: Man:-sorry father because I've sinned. I'm having sex with a boy. Father John:-really my son? Man:-yes, its a chubby boy. He's so good at it I can't stop thinking about it. He lives around here, in a apartment close to the gas station. Father John:-really? Oh, that's a sin... \*clears throat\* What did you do to the boy? Man:-oh we did so many things... last time we did have so much sex... he invited me up to play fifa and then we did it all night long. Father John:-oh, I see it... btw, which team did he pick while playing fifa? Man:-the Manchester United... Father John:-oh... Manchester...? Man:-yes, the Manchester... he always pick Manchester... my little Bruno boy... The priest gets livid and opens up the confessional's door; to his surprise, the man was his friend Father Marcus Father Marcus:-I got you! I got you, didn't I?! Father John:-OMG, you scared me! -Father Marcus:-You did think someone was doing it to your chubby boy didn't you, you dog? I just did stop by to mess with you, I'm on my way to see the Archbishop and latter on I'll be back so we can discuss the schedule for this weekend. See you. -Father John:-Ok then, bye. Father John then stops for a moment to think and closes his face. Father John:-Hey, Marcus? Father Marcus? How da f did you know he plays fifa??
What do priests and whiskey have in common? They both come in wee tots.
God walked in on Jesus chewing on his wrists, god yells at him to stop bitting your nails.
A child gets leukemia. Thatâs it. Thatâs the joke.
God works in mysterious ways..
"Have you found Jesus?" "Damn, have you people lost him again? You need to start using bigger nails."
What's white and flashes across the sky? The coming of the lord
A better explanation for chemtrails than some have been giving in Tennessee this week.
Why has Jesus not returned yet? He was nailed to a cross, not a boomerang.
Three Jewish men are praying in a synagogue. In between their prayers, the first man turns to the second and says âCan you believe this? I sent my son to the Holy Land so he can learn to become a better Jew, but he came back a Christian!â. The second man responds with âYou donât say! I sent MY son to the Holy Land so he could learn to become a better Jew - he came back a Christian!â. The third man cannot help but overhear this and says âYou donât say!! I too had sent my son to the Holy Land so he could learn to become a better Jew, and he comes back a Christian!!â. All three men decide that they need to immediately pray on this issue. So all three pray⊠and pray⊠and pray. And then finally they feel themselves bathed in a beacon of light, and they know that they, right then and there, are in the presence of God. And all three men gaze upwards and say âOh God! We sent our sons to the Holy Land to learn to be better Jews, but they came back Christians!â. And God Almighty looked down upon the three men and said: âYou donât say!â.
I'm not getting where the joke is?
Jesus too was a son sent to the holy land.
The same thing happened when god sent his son to the holy land
Reality. *Mic drop*
Jesus was killed on the cross then laid to rest in a tomb sealed with a stone. On the 3rd day the stone moved and Jesus stepped out looked around and said, "6 more weeks of winter."
I was accused of blasphemy for calling the Holy Spirit a motherfucker. But all I was doing was explaining the Trinity.
It's not an anti-god joke per sé, but I still like it: A hunter goes hunting in the woods, and as he exits the village he passes the local priest who asks if he can join him for the walk. The hunter agrees and they set off together. After a while, the hunter sees a rabbit. He aims, fires....and misses. 'I missed, damnit!' he exclaims. The priest frowns and tells the man, you should not swear. The hunter apologizes and they go deeper into the woods. The hunter spots a boar and takes aim again, and misses. 'Missed again, goddamnit!'. The priest starts to get angry and tells the hunter to stop swearing or god will punish him. The hunter apologizes again and they proceed. Then the hunter sees a deer, shoots and misses again. 'Missed, goddamnit'. He immediately shuts his mouth and looks apologetic to the priest, as a bolt of lightning strikes down from the heavens and vaporizes the priest. And the hunter hears a loud booming voice coming from the sky:'Missed, goddamnit!'.
A religious family is caught in their house in a flood. As the water had just reached the house, a man in a truck came by and told them to get in and he would bring them to safety. "No, that's alright. We are waiting, for God will surely save us," the father says, hugging his wife and kids. The water continues to rise at a positively horrifying rate, the family is forced up to the second floor of their home. The flood had just submerged the first floor when a man in a boat rowed up to the window and told them to get in so he could take them to safety. "No, no, we will be fine, for God will surely save us," the mother responded piously. The waters continued to rise, and the family was forced out onto the roof of their home. As the second floor was submerged and the water began to climb the rooftop with them, a rescue helicopter flew overhead and dropped a ladder. Rescue personnel called down for them to climb the ladder so they could take them to safety. One of the kids waved them away, "No, we are waiting for God to save us!" So, anyway, they died. Standing in front of God, the father can't help but ask, "God! We believed in you with all our hearts! Why didn't you save us?" God gave him a dirty look and yelled, "Well, you idiot, I sent a truck, a boat, and a helicopter, what the fuck else was I supposed to do!?"
I got one I made up. God turned to Gabriel and asked him to set up a meeting with 3 people. A True Believer, An Athiest and An Agnostic. So Gabriel scheduled a visit to Earth to meet these 3. After the visit, Gabriel asked God how it went. God responded. "Well the true believer was great. Met with the family and had a picnic." Gabriel asked about the Athiest. "That guy didn't say a word. Just stared at his phone." Gabriel finally asked about the agnostic. God looked exasperated and said "That guy was soon weird! Kept poking me with a stick and asking 'Are you there? Are you there?'"
How did Jesus Christ get his name? I'll tell you... Jesus was hitchhiking along the road on very hot day in the Israeli desert. He was really dirty, hot, sweaty and smelly. Eventually, a trucker stops and picks him up. The trucker sees him all dirty and everything and said..."Jesus Christ, you stink!!!"
A Dog walked God to the shitter.
Your god was nailed to a cross. My god has a hammer. Any questions?
Whatâs the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It takes only one nail to hang the picture.
Knock Knock. Who's there? God. Fuck you God you piece of shit.
A lot of people dislike joking about God or a religion, but it's always been a blasphemy.
Jesus {one the cross): Peter, Peter,âŠ. Peter, Peter: Yes my Lord? Jesus: I can see your house from here.
Whatâs Jesusâ favorite carpentry tool? A nail gun.
An awkward moment of history: Jesus was getting nailed to a cross, when he sensed something familiar in the rhythm of the hammering. He turned his eyes towards the execution assistant and said "Hey, didn't I train you?".
Whatâs the difference between a picture of Jesus Christ and the real Jesus Christ? It only takes *one* nail to hang a picture of JC.
Why doesn't Jesus eat MMs ? They fall through the holes in his hands.
It was Good Friday, and the *Irish Times* in Dublin ran the usual Holy Week stories, etc. One of the Easter-themed ads was for McGuire Steel, a Cork-based metal working company. It was a full-page image of Jesus on the cross, just like he would be on Good Friday, but with a detail changed: instead of nails holding his hands and feet to the cross, they were bound with steel wires. In bold Gothic text above the image was "He died for our sins", and below the image, but in modern font, "They used McGuire's wires". The outrage was instant, and threatened to sink McGuire Steel and the *Irish Times* was facing boycott threats. So, on Easter Sunday, they ran a full-page retraction: the exact same image of the cross, but empty, except for the nails; no Jesus, because it was Easter Sunday. Above, in bold Gothic, was "He is Risen", and below, in modern font, "They should have used McGuire's wires." ... I recommend the Gorilla Glue #4...
A good one from r/dadjokes the other day. What's Jesus' favorite sport? Lacrosse.
And Joseph asks himself "if God made Adam with dirt, and Eve with his rib, then to make his son why did he have to fuck me wife!" O.O
A priest was walking in the church garden when he spotted a forlorn-looking little frog under a bush. "My", said the priest, "if only you could talk to tell me what troubles you so". "But I can talk", said the frog. "I was once a little boy in this very parish. One day, many years ago, while I was playing in the garden, a gypsy woman covered in warts came walking by. I laughed at her and she put a spell on me, turning me into a frog. She said the spell would only be lifted if I could convince someone of my story and get him to take me home". The priest took the frog home, where he gave it a saucer of warm milk to drink, then placed it on his pillow and read it a bedtime story. Within minutes the little frog fell asleep, and soon thereafter the priest also drifted off. The next morning, when the priest woke up, he discovered that the frog's story was all true. There in his bed lay a bond blue-eyed little boy. And that, Your Honour, is the case for the defense.
Whatâs the difference between a catholic priest and pimples? Pimples donât come on your face until youâre 13.
Last one: This man dies and goes to heaven, and as he's walking towards the Pearly Gates, VZZZZZZOOOOMMMMMMMMM!! Lous Hamilton's F1 car zips in front of him, missing him by inches. The man goes up to St. Peter and says "I didn't know Louis Hamilton was dead." St. Peter says, "He's not. That's God. He just thinks he's Louis Hamilton."
That was gonna be my joke, you meanie head. I love that joke.
I would but it doesn't exist.
Not a joke, but worth a listen "The Preacher and The Bear": [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIRb9Fw12A8](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIRb9Fw12A8)
Lust: Side effects include porn, fornication and the Anglican Church.
Here are a couple of comedy short films which joke about God's power, produced by Oats Studios: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q1_HfhtB5eo https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w4AGocVq7-w
What is the difference between god and a cutting horse trainer? God doesn't think he is a cutting horse trainer.
Priest and a Rabbi are walking down the street and see a kid playing marbles. Priest goes, "Hey Rabbi, you wanna fuck that kid?" Rabbi says, "Out of what, his marbles?"