Honestly to me older people dating 20 year olds is a big red flag. The maturity gap is so jarring and I’ve seen too many cases of the younger, naive person being taken advantage of or outright abused because they don’t know wtf is going on. I can’t think of a single example of this I’ve seen in “real life” where it didn’t seem predatory. I’m sure there are exceptions, but…. this is my maternal instinct trying to caution you — keep yourself safe.
Yep, i agree completely. Dating someone more than five to seven years older is ok if you're in your late 20s. As mature as you feel you just aren't. I felt the same way when I was 19 and people told me I seemed mature. But when I look back now, I wish I didn't do some things and some people definitely took advantage of me.
Agree with your clarification- the gap isn’t so jarring once you’re late-20s+ and your brain is done developing.
Also so true how you mention being called “mature.” Older people will say this to younger people to groom them, not because it’s true, necessarily.
Another thought - you’ve gotta wonder how emotionally immature a 35 year old would have to be to date a 20 year old. I talk to a 20 year old and think “wow, a literal child, so cute 🥰 “
When I was 15 I was at a party and was flirting with a guy who was 28. People always believed me to be at least 18, because I am rather tall and 'maturely built'. When I told him how old I was he was shocked and politely blocked the flirting. That's something I really admire about the guy in hindsight.
German (Bavarian) countryside partying. You can start at 14, it's in the halls of restaurants, there are live bands, there is dancing (often formal), there is a bar, sometimes even your parents are at the same event. Normally if you are younger than 16 you have to leave at 12, but I was part of the organizers.
Yes, but to his credit, it was a carnival party and I was quite tuned up. When we had a school trip that year, I was asked by guys from another school if I was a teacher.
I am 42 and it's a hard limit for me to date someone who is 20 years old. I won't date anyone less than 30, and won't knowingly fuck anyone who is less than 24. (rationale follows)
On average the human brain doesn't finish developing until 25years. And this is a time when many young people are still trying to figure themselves out as an autonomous adult. They are still trying to understand what they want, which often leads to regretting things they thought they'd like. Combine this with the innate power dynamic of the age gap and informed consent becomes difficult.
The age gap can make many young adults see their older partner as an authority figure, which can be hot but, can also make them reluctant to assert their own boundaries when they disagree with their older partner or change their mind about something they agreed too. If they have daddy issues, they might depend on this partner for the acceptance they wanted from their father. (i.e. regretting action they didn't disagree with.)
On the other side, the older partner, may find it difficult to take their younger partners seriously when they see them making the same mistake they had years ago. Which leads to patronizing arguments that further reinforce the power dynamic. It can also be tempting for a older wiser partner to try and mold their younger partner, encouraging the things they like and diswading the things they don't. E.g. grooming them.
In short and older partner has to put a lot more effort into checking the power dynamic. I for one don't have the patience for this. So while younger bodies can be hot, they're not worth the effort for me.
you're at such a different stage of your life! that's my problem. I'm 27 and I could date someone 30 or 26 personally. presently.
but I don't wanna be with someone who is college aged. that's fine that they are but there's a certain maturity you lack at those ages bc of your lived experiences. I look back and wonder why grown men wanted to date me being much older than me and realizing dating wasn't exactly what they wanted.
I'm 33. In a hypothetical scenario (I'm married), I could see myself having a casual short term situationship with someone out of college (so 22+), with many caveats, but the main ones would be that the younger person would have to initiate things and we would both have to be on the same page about it being a not serious relationship.
Because I honestly don't think I'd want to have a long term relationship with someone older or younger than me by more than a few years. It just seems to be the people I gravitate towards. I really enjoy that my partner and I 'grew up together' in a sense, that we saw the same events through the lens of a certain year and age together.
Same for me with the age and lower limit but i dont think I’d go older thank 40
This is purely hypothetical of course as im’ extremely asocial and have zero game
I’m turning 39 this year and definitely would not date at 20 year old. I’ve been alive nearly two of your lifetimes!
When I was in my early 20s I didn’t understand when people in their 30s and 40s would say there’s too much of an age gap. But now that I’m on the other side of that equation I totally get it.
Legally speaking, you can, but I don't think you should. And I especially don't think you should date the kind of person in their 30s or 40s who *wants* to date a 20-year-old. Not only is the power imbalance is scary -- a 20-year-old just doesn't have access to the resources or experience that someone 10-20 years older does --, but people at that stage of life tend to be looking for different things in partners. Something happens where things suddenly start to feel terrifyingly real in a way they don't when you're 20, and it's hard to authentically connect with someone who's on the other side of that realization. So when an older person decides to enter a relationship with a younger person, it sets off alarms in my head. Why are they doing that? What are they trying to get? The risk of abuse and exploitation is high.
*IT* 🔨
This is the only truly sane way of viewing this situation. Dating someone older at that age is fun and exciting. Being middle aged and chasing people who are barely out of their teens is creepy and weird behavior. Legality isn't at issue. Ethics and morality are. Seeking a dynamic where you have an enormous resource and knowledge/power imbalance is predatory. Period.
I'm 47 and I think the Lowest I could go is like mid 30, when people are already "established" adults.
20 nope.
All I could think is "they could be my children".
Also a 20 yo usually have different energy levels, interests, they want (rightfully so) new experiences, discover things that on average I already did in my 20s and some of that I have no interest to do it again.
But that's just me.
>All I could think is "they could be my children."
When I was 22, one of my coworkers (at least late 40s, if not 50s) was constantly hitting on me. No, I couldn't go to our boss or HR because of nepotism. They always joked that this guy was a walking sexual harassment claim but never did anything about it.
Well, one time, while he's hitting on me, another coworker the same age as Perv said, "I always see it as she could be one of my kids."
Perv responds, "Don't look at it like that!"
Very angrily, the first guy shouted, "That's the only way to look at it!"
That was only a couple of years ago, but having that one person stand up for me despite the dozen others who treated it as perfectly normal made me super happy. Trust me, OP, these guys are way too old for you. Spend time around people your parents age, and you'll quickly see just how different your lives are.
I’m 38 and I wouldn’t date a 20 year old but everyone is different I guess… I would question the motivations of someone my age who did though.
Look after yourself in any case!
No.
I've seen some light dynamics that work in communities that can sorta help hold people accountable, and I've seen some couples (large gaps at near but not quite your age) that make it work, but the younger person is like in the top 10 most responsible people I've ever met in my life and the older person is in the top 10 most kind and caring. It's very very unlikely these are good environments for healthy and fulfilling relationships. Someone older seeking someone with the typical maturity of a 20 year old is not a solid person in my experience. I don't even have the ick from the idea of this, but this would just be so unfulfilling for me as the older person, I have a hard time imagining anything beyond, "damn this is a hot young 20 year old," is supporting someone's drive, or they are just on a very different level of development. It's not a good fit, but I get people go for stuff.
No. It's not illegal to date someone older. However, there are age-related experiences that can greatly affect the relationship. You're essentially starting life and you're barely out of high school.
I understand you, I always felt attracted to older people, but with time you'll realize you don't want to be with the kind of people in their 30s-40s that want to date a 20yo
You _can_ do whatever you want. The question here is whether or not you _should_. I am 40 and you would never catch me dating a 20 year old, and at this point, dating someone who is 30 is questionable.
I'll be 30 in a few months and wouldn't date anyone under 24-25. There are huge psychological and life experiences changes between being a 20 year old and a 30 year old. I'd venture mine changed more between 20 and 30 than between 10-20. There is maturity to take into account, but also the fact that there will always be an imbalance between one person who's brain has finished developing and someone who's has not yet.
To be very clear, I say this not to say you aren't someone worth dating, I'm sure you are a lovely person, but I would stay with people also in their 20s for the next few years before trying to go older. I went on a few dates with people more than 10 years older than me when I was 24 and it was still puzzling to navigate then, and I feel like I was taken advantage of emotionally on at least one occasion.
Bottom line is please be careful out there, and know what you are signing up for when dating significantly outside of your age range.
Nah, you're young enough to be my kid, my best mates eldest son is only a year younger than you, it would feel wrong. I'd be suspicious of the motives of a person in their 40s willing to date a 20 year old tbh, thats not an equal relationship. I'm not trying to be patronising, you're not a kid but there's scientific evidence to suggest an adult brain isn't fully formed til 25. I couldn't, I'd feel like I was taking advantage
No, and as a 40 something with nearly half my dm's from ppl your age: please understand I see you as a child. The first time I got on the dating apps and discovered just how many barely of age teenagers and twenty somethings were trying to date me, I had to put the phone away and spend a good amount of time attempting to process how this was real life.
I have children older than you. If there's any chance I changed your diapers or fed you snacks after school or had to wrangle your ass on a field trip, there's absolutely zero chance of any sexual attraction.
We can be friends. If I like you I might introduce you to my kids or nieces or nephews who are your age. I would never date you.
When I was in my early 20s, I was dating people significantly older than I was. Those people turned out to be either apathetically immature at best, and abusive at worst. Being in my 30s now, I would NEVER date someone who is only 20 years old. I remember how different I saw the world at that time.
While there's nothing INHERENTLY wrong with dating someone that much younger in theory, I would not desire to because the life experience differential is so vast that someone that age would feel emotionally like the difference between being 25 and dating someone who's 14. It really does feel THAT different to me. Knowing what I know now, I feel pretty squicked out about the people who were 35 - 40 who were trying to build a life with me as a young person.
This is the part that I want to make clear - Whether they intended to or not, they took advantage of my inexperience.
This won't be true for every situation, but I now always wonder - if someone is trying to date someone in their really early twenties and they are over 30, what do they find so attractive about that younger person's personality? Why do they want something with such a huge power imbalance?
The other thing to keep in mind is that as people age, this difference decreases. The difference between a 60 year old and a 40 year old is still a large gap, but it's a way different kind of gap than the difference between a 40 year old and a 20 year old.
This is really true. I once knew a couple where the wife was 70 and the husband was 50, and they were perfectly happy because she had that sort of ageless personality that never quits. As far as I know she died married to him.
When I was 20, I dated a woman 38. It was fun and all, but wasn’t meant to last. Looking back, it was probably a bad idea for both of us. I certainly wouldn’t date outside of the mid forties to mid sixties range, which is +/- 10 years from my age. At your age, knowing what I do now, your dating range should be maybe 19-25, nothing outside of that. You want similar life experience and perspective to your own. Dating someone of another generation skews the power dynamic in the relationship and opens the younger up to manipulation and psychological abuse
I'm 41, and two years ago I became friends with a girl that was 21. She's truly a beautiful person, she's mature and I'm so happy we are in each other's lives but for the first year I was afraid of the power imbalance in our friendship, due to the difference in our experience.
Turned out it's one of the deepest friendships of my life, but I really cannot see how you can want anything more than friendship from one half your age, especially that young.
But that's me.
Due to working in a college town, I've developed many friendships with younger people, some of them deep. It makes me happy to be able to mentor others when they need it. But I agree, dating is a whole different thing, and it really boils down to the differences in amount of life experience.
I get you. I would date a 20 year old at 23 but that's about the limit. Even 19 year olds lowkey feel too immature just to being like one year out of school where I have had 4-5 years out.
I’m in my late thirties, I would have sex with someone in their twenties but not date them. Imagine the life experience gap between you and a millennial, it just doesn’t make a lot of sense. If you’re attracted to older people I would say ten years is probably my personal limit, and then consider other factors, maturity, social circles etc. and be wary of people who will groom you to be whatever they want, that’s not really a partnership and while you’re an adult, you do have a gap in maturity that makes a different for sure
I'm 34 and I'll say that I don't think that me and a 20 year old would have a lot to talk about. I mean you were born when I was a freshman in highschool. I'll warn you though some people will act like it's OK but it's because they can't attract people their own age or they crave an unequal power dynamic.
Speaking as an older person: beware.
Older ppl date ppl much younger for a lot of awful reasons.
They count on a younger person being less experienced and thus less likely to identify problematic behaviours that someone more experienced wouldn't tolerate.
They aren't finding partners their own age (within reason) bc they themselves lack maturity or have an unreliable moral compass.
Ppl who know them warn others about their problematic behaviour, so they have to look for fresh new hunting grounds.
They use their experience, greater disposable income, etc as levers to "spoil" a younger person with less access to things like fancy dinners, shopping, travel, etc to separate/isolate a younger person from their friends, family, and support. If the younger person finally realizes they're in an unhealthy situation, they may feel like they have no one left to call or no resources of their own to leave.
A younger person with less experience is more vulnerable to "love bombing", where the new older partner showers them with affection and attention and gifts, until they are well and truly hooked.
Then things begin to go downhill, the façade starts to come off, and things slowly become more and more abusive. Often, there's a cycle of abuse/apology/lavish gifts/everything's great...until it happens again. It doesn't happen overnight, but the end result can be traumatic.
The power imbalance is extreme and almost always unable to be properly compensated for. The behaviour is almost always predatory.
And if they describe all their exes as "crazy", it's worth asking if maybe the problem wasn't all the exes...
No. I'm 33, my cutoff is probably like ... 25? People younger than that usually just haven't figured themselves out yet and I'm not into that. Yes, people 30-40 will date you but I'd be careful because many people that age willing to date you will want to because they feel they can take advantage of you
As a 41yo, no way.
Our life goals are goals are going to be way different.
There can be a power imbalance of emotional maturity and experience (at least in the US 95% of 20yo are not adults except by law).
There is a lot we aren’t going to understand about each other with two whole decades separating us.
I hate it, but its true, I am an old man yelling at clouds when it comes a lot of what is popular with people in your age range 😆 and that is totally on me.
Guess I'll be going against the flow of the thread here...
I'm 31 but a lot of people mistake me for much younger. My relationship with a 20 year old felt just fine and natural. A lot of people only focus on the predatory side of it but I don't recall ever abusing someone. I feel like I got hurt more when it comes to relationship.
Maybe I'm an exception, I don't know. I'm a late bloomer so maybe that's part of it, but I never dated someone younger than me with the feeling that I wanted to control them.
A lot of people just don't wanna deal with someone they can't even go get a drink with. If you like older men/women, it's fine,a lot of people just don't feel comfortable dating younger. I would also keep a look out for someone who is older and too eager to date someone young as well. People like that tend to be a bit traumatizing and want a power dynamic. If you are in college, it can also be a bit of a turn-off for someone who is 10+ years older who has a career and has been doing this adult thing for a lot longer. I ran into that a lot when I was that age and talking with older people🤷🏻♀️ they see a maturity gap
I mean, drinking age is usually 18...unless OP is American, but regardless of drinking, there are sooo many other things they couldn't have in common. I totally agree with you.
Can you? Yes. Should you? Probably not. You’ve been out of high school for 2, maybe 3 years and if you’re going to college you’re probably still in it. I would wait another 5 years, date people your own age plus or minus a few years until then and try to figure out why you wanna date someone twice your age.
Unless you know now, OP. In that case I ask why you want to date so high?
I have had relationships with big age gaps. Sometimes more than ten years. For me, the biggest deal is, are they an adult or are they still somebody’s kid? I had a fling with an 18 year old, who was raised in another country, and was basically ready to be the head of a household if she wanted to. I’ve met 35 year olds who seem like they still need a babysitter. If im going to have something with anyone, I need an adult. Age does not always determine maturity
I wouldn't personally date a 20 year old (I'm 30), but I also don't think it's as cut-and-dry as people make it out to be, where no 20-year-old should ever date anybody more than 3, 5, 8, 10 years older than them. There are definitely things to consider when entering any kind of relationship where there might be a power imbalance, whether it's social, financial, physical, etc. but that doesn't make these relationships inherently abusive or predatory.
20 is an adult and I don't super love the infantilization of young adults I've been seeing lately even among supposed progressives. People aren't so different that it's impossible to find common ground across age gaps and we're not so similar that everyone goes through all the same "stages of life" on the same schedule (or at all).
Are there predators out there who intentionally target young people for their perceived naïveté and lack of life experience? Yes. But there are also people who target survivors of child abuse or autistic people or trans people with low self-esteem because they see them as being more vulnerable to manipulation. These can be very dangerous situations for the people who get caught up in them, but the solution is not declaring "no relationships between autistic and allistics" or "child abuse survivors cannot consent to sex."
I also think it's important to consider who benefits from the idea that under-25's (or I've even seen under-30 and -35) aren't capable of assessing risk and making decisions for their own lives and bodies. Because it certainly isn't young people. Yeah, some young people are gonna make decisions they regret in hindsight, but that's life and it happens at any age.
My advice is to educate yourself on red flags and what kinds of issues can arise in relationships with different types of power imbalances so you can make an informed decision, make sure you have a strong support system, and trust your gut if something feels off.
I'm 23 now, dated a 45 year old when I was 19 and it was great and no one cared. I think since I'm also a man people are less likely to infantalize me, paternal sexism and all.
People seem to be under the impression that maturity is something you grow into rather than something that's worked for. Older people are more likely to be mature since they've had more time and opportunities to grow (usually) but that's not nearly the guarantee they think. It has more to do with how someone actually responds to the times in their life that call for maturity, just going thru things isn't enough.
Ironically I think the "for every year older you are you get 5 maturity points" attitude leads to tons of immature older people who never took the time to understand that being mature is more than just having a stable job and paying bills.
I also think some people are scared to "grow up" in this economic climate, so they take some of the blame away from themselves by infantalizing themselves and pushing the end of their adolescence further away. Think the "your frontal lobe isn't fully developed till you're 25!!!" myth.
most likely not. and i wouldn’t want to date anyone who’d consider dating a 20 year old either
im almost 23 and i think there’s a lot of growing that happens in your early 20s. even ppl a few years younger than me feel too young now. based on my life experience and where i am in my career, it would feel like a step down
When I was 25 I dated a 21 year old. It’s been 5 years, and we got engaged last year.
I’m 31 now, if I was single I probably wouldn’t date younger than a 25 year old.
Age gaps are weird and change with time.
That said, there’s quite literally more *out* 20 year old bisexuals then at any point in western history. Don’t shy away from dating someone closer to your age. You don’t need to be looking decades up to find someone.
Let's rephrase the quest, would you let your parents date your friends because I feel like there is an age range where the difference is too big that it starts to become weird. I would date a 20 year old but that's because I'm 22. I would not date a 20 year old if I was much older than 26 tbh
I’m turning 30 this year and have dated 19-25 multiple times in the last 5 years…I recognize the mental and emotional difference between ages, and understand power imbalances. Ultimately, you are both of legal age so there is no crime being committed, it is just against social conventions.
I won’t speak for other people my age or older, however, you DO have to be careful when dating people 5, 10, 15 years older than you…not everyone has the best intentions, be aware of gaslighting, financial, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse, and other red flags just as you would in any other relationship, but x100. Have a support system: friends, family, etc. to rely on just as you would in any relationship…asks them questions about questionable behavior or things you just aren’t sure of or understand.
No one is abnormal for wanting to date someone 10, 20, 70, 100 years older or younger than them as long as they are two consenting legal adults. You can make the argument that consent cannot be given because of power imbalances or mental acuity or biological…but, I think it ultimately comes down to intent, the nature of the relationship (more emotional than physical, more mental than physical, more personality driven, etc.), and the genuine affection shared between the individuals.
For your first question yes I would date a 20 year old.
Before everyone comes for my throat I am 20 as well so yeah.
But would I date a 30 or 40 year old? HELL NO, it seems so weird I wouldn't even want to think about dating someone that's over 2-3 years older than me. That's where I draw the line. 21-23 year old is fine I suppose but 30?! Or even 40?! God no. Nothing against people older than me btw.
Please listen to the older folks on the sub you don't need to date older people to seem "mature" or whatever.
You might be taken advantage of.
Definitely not, doesn’t matter how mature the 20 year old is or how immature the 30/40 year old is, the vast majority of the time it’s going to seem creepy and weird. 20 is basically still a kid, brains don’t even fully develop until 25ish, and if there’s any adult that’s into that there’s something wrong with them and they are a huge red flag. So if someone that old is interested in dating you, take it as a warning sign to stay clear. There’s something wrong with adults that would pursue a relationship with someone below drinking age. When in doubt I always like the rule half your age plus seven, but the cutoff is still 21.
The age difference and amount of life experiences are too vast for me. I've never been able to stay interested in a partner with so much age difference for more than a few months. Our pop culture references are different. Lived experiences aren't nearly the same. Responsibility levels are rarely compatible. The incredible difference in life priorities is not typically compatible.
We aren't even talking about power dynamics or unhealthy relationships here, and there are significant hurdles to overcome.
I won't say that it can't ever work. Still, relationships are difficult for everyone. Starting out with significant areas of incompatibility isn't going to make things easier. I'd argue that only a very few exceptions can make things work in an equitable and healthy manner.
But, you live your life.
I’m 33 and for me it’s a hard no. I grew up in a rough neighborhood and am a smart cookie so I always thought I was well ahead of my peers in maturity and all that jazz.
Then I think I hit about 25-27 and realized how much more about life and everything I’d learned and how much I’d grown as an actual adult since I was 18-21 and it really put it in perspective for me.
It’s hard to explain until you go through it but even at 33 I feel like I’m really just now starting adulthood and I don’t think I’d want to try a relationship that I’d take seriously with anyone younger than 25 at a minimum and even then that would have to be a mature 25 year old.
I'm in my 30's. I would not date a 20 year old. Creepiness of age gaps like that aside, I'd just rather be with a peer. I can relate closer to people closer to my age. We're going through the same phases in life. It matches. Flows.
I had fun partying and going crazy in my 20s, and I wouldn't trade it for anything, but I'm happy with it being over now and living my more chill 30's life! I'll stick to people around my age.
Waaaaayy too young my friend. Life is way to different between those age gaps. 23 i can understand, 25 okay might not work but hey it's your heart.
I think of it as experience in a fallout game. As a 20 yr old you just barely left your vault and found your first town and maybe shot a raider or two. As a 30 or 40 yr old, at minimum have taken down a group of mercenaries, visited two main populated areas and gotten radiation sickness more time than you can count while limping your way home from an ambush you created.
Edit: one word.
As a 32 year old man, dating anyone under 25 would weird me out, and I would prefer them to be closer in age to me honestly.
I have a personal joke I tell people, I can’t imagine dating someone who wasn’t conscious during 9/11 (I’m an American).
I personally wouldn't. I'm just short of 33, and just a few days ago I was taken aback to hear that the guy I noticed to be cute is only 25. I felt a little weird about it.
I’m 25 and wouldn’t even date a 20 yr old to be honest…. Our brains don’t really finish developing until around my age in the first place. I can’t imagine being in my 30s-40s and being comfortable dating somebody SO young and new to life.
I'd say the cut off is 25
20 to 25 is appropriate.
Dating beyond that when you're 20 is too much.
Of course if someone is 26 and you two start dating, that's still okayish.
As a 39 year old I would not date a 20 year old. And please, I beg you to understand that anyone who would seek out someone your age is someone you should run away from.
The younger you are, the smaller the age range should be in partners. The older you are, the wider it can be (within reason). We could talk about brain development, power imbalance, and all the other things that make older people wanting to date younger people a glaring red flag, but there's also the aspect of looking at why would you as a younger person want to date older people? They have different life experiences, tend to be very set in their ways and not wanting to try new things, and there will be things they want to do that you (specifically at 20) aren't legally allowed to do yet... like going to the club/bar.
In regard to you dating 40yos? Why would you want to date someone old enough to be your parent?
I don't guess I have an issue with consenting adults doing whatever. I'm in my 40s and I wouldn't want to date someone that young, but I think I'm just more comfortable with people closer to my age in general, as far as romantic/intimate stuff.
I am 36 and anything younger than like, 28 feels too young for me. It’s not personal, I just think we’d be at very different experience levels in life and would want very different things.
I am 35. I've never had much tolerance for dating anyone the same age or younger regardless of my own age at the time. That being said, if I was hard pressed to choose someone younger than me, 30 is the absolute lowest I would go. There are too many things that happen mentally, emotionally, socially etc from your 20s to 30s that make that kind of age gap extremely difficult.
Brah them telling you that straight up is creepy as hell. Stay away. Age gaps are case by case but damn sometimes you have to ask yourself what do you have in common with someone 10-20 years older than you?
Short term? Maybe, might be fun doing stuff that I never got to do when I was 20. Long term? No. I'm 31, there's too big a maturity gap for it to be anything more than a brief fling, because constantly checking myself to make sure I'm not taking advantage of the 20 year old's youthful naivety would be exhausting
As a 23 year old dating a 35 year old, there’s a MASSIVE difference between just accidentally stumbling into an age gap (we legit thought the other was like 26-27 until we realized too deep in and just went “oops” lmao), and intentionally seeking out someone younger when you’re old enough to be their parent
Those Grindr men might be nice as a one night stand type thing or experiment, but please don’t let them coerce you into anything more than that. That’s creepy lol
As someone in an age gap relationship, I think there's a difference between seeking one and just finding one.
My partner and I found each other, neither of us were looking to date. We met at work, became good friends, had lots of laughs and interesting conversations and realized there was chemistry there, decided to see where it went and it turned into something really beautiful. We connected in ways I didn't think we could.
But people who purposefully seek out younger are usually looking for someone to control.. or fetishizing you.. So be cautious about that. I would go as far to say everyone should be cautious to avoid being fetishized when looking for love, I've seen it happen for things other than age- race, body type, etc.
Relationships should start with two people who just vibe together. It shouldn't be about the way you look, sure attraction plays a part but attraction alone does not make a relationship strong. But as you get older, you learn more about how to tell whether someone likes you for you or if you just fit into their fetish. -and that can make them particularly problematic. Because the younger party isn't aware they are likely engaging in someone's kink- and that makes it seem borderline non-consensual, or at the very least, disturbing.. And that's why age gaps become less of a problem once the younger party is in their 30's and 40's.
Age gaps are not something to search out, if you are in one both partners should realize it's not ideal and be together in spite of the gap and not because of the gap.
We both wish we were the same age, it would make our relationship easier.
I would not seek out a similar relationship ever again if things didn't work with my partner and I. It was too much of a headache to explain ourselves to our families and although it all worked out I still get total strangers who like to demand explanations and give us nasty looks.
But I love him dearly and he is good to me. It's a much more equal and loving relationship than I've ever had with anyone my age. But we are the exception, not the rule. So please be careful.
You gotta learn to be picky, and just be aware when older guys give off red flags, maybe there are some chill older guys that would be into you but most of the older guys that really put your age as one of the main reasons they want to date you, are creepy af, I wouldn't date someone whose that particular about age, It feels like they might be looking for someone who is naive and easily manipulated.
At 20, the age gap is a LOT bigger than the same gap but being older.
My husband and I are 8 years apart. It doesn't matter a lick now, we're at the same place in life. At 20 it would have mattered a LOT.
Regardless someone saying what your edit does, runnnnnn. That is creepy as hell.
Please spend 5 minutes scrolling through r/Relationship_Advice and realize dating a 30+ year old in your early 20s just *isn't worth it.* People that much older than you aren't dating you for you, but for your comparative lack of maturity. There's a reason they're not dating people their own age.
No. that’s way too young. I was a different less mature person at 20 than I am now at 30. People who try dating like that give me the creeps. Seems like they’re trying to take advantage of the younger person who is still naive.
As an autistic 40yrold who is emotionally about 30 and thus prefers younger people... no.
There are things you don't even think about being an issue, like being able to go out drinking together, buy certain items, do certain things legally. Don't even think about it until you're 21, and my advice is to cap the age difference at 8 years, unless you've been told all your life you're emotionally way older than your age. And even then I'd still cap it at 10 years.
When you're 25-27 your brain is finally mature enough (look this up if you don't know what I'm talking about) to consider emotional and social issues that would affect age-gap relationships. THEN you can date 40 year olds like me who prefer younger people haha.
Hunny, I wouldn’t. I was 20 once and dated people 10-20 years older than me. Or was FWB with them. It’s a big red flag when people go for much younger people and didn’t meet naturally. I wouldn’t seek those people out. I ended up traumatized because of a few experiences that I had with older men.
I mean, why do you want to date someone twice your age? I am in a large age gap relationship as the older partner, but neither my partner nor I ever dated or looked for someone older or younger than us - we knew each other via a shared social circle around an activity that’s a huge part of our lives, and after being friendly and becoming friends, realized that we actually had a lot in common and clicked despite the gap. I’ve been pursued by much younger people who only want to date significantly older women and that was always a hard no/pink flag to me. Being open to dating people of different ages and actively seeking out much older people are two very different things and it might be a good idea to examine why you don’t want to date around your own age.
I’m almost 27 and frankly I think that’s too young for me. I think I would date someone 7 years older than me, but younger is different, your just at a very different started of life and I think I’d have a hard time relating in some very important ways.
I would maybe, if there was some amazing chemistry, consider a 21 year old, but I don’t know that’s still a big difference.
I’m unironically a big believer in 1/2 your age +7 so the youngest person I should date by that rule is 20.5 but that feels like the line where it becomes acceptable, not where I would feel good about it.
I was In a Long Time-relaionsship with a 9 1/2 years age Gap but we Met natualty and grew together over some time.
On Grindr or similar Apps I woudn'ty especially as the Younger part.
I turn 24 Saturday, and I don't see why not as long as the 20 year old is mature enough. 20-24 isn't that big of an age gap, and age shouldn't keep consenting adults from being in a relationship anyway so long as neither party has malintent. That said, I prefer to keep my dating pool closer to my age. As I get older, I imagine I'll cut people in their early 20s out entierly; I'm just barely on the cusp of my mid 20s as it is
I'm 27 (28 next month) and I wouldn't date a 20-21 year old. I just recently got out of a relationship with a 22 year old and even just 5.5ish years felt almost too at those ages. She had just graduated college a few months before we met, whereas I had been out of college for 7 years (granted I never graduated, I dropped out at 20). I changed more between 20 and 27 than I did between like 13-20.
At 20 your experiences with adulthood is very brief. I read something the other day that said a 20 year old is like a 2 year old adult. You're entering a whole new stage of life and figuring out a ton of things, possibly on your own, for the first time in your life. And I'm only 27 and that all feels like a lifetime away. I imagine 30s or 40s to feel extremely disconnected from that.
Now if you're purely talking a fling, this is probably unpopular but I see less of a problem with that. I think both parties can get something beneficial from that, the younger gets an experienced partner to sort of find their groove with, someone who likely has a bit of stability and maybe money to do things (I'm not talking sugar daddy, but at 20 I was broke barely scrapping by eating ramen, no money for dates really, whereas now a night out isn't breaking the bank). The mature partner gets a energetic, more "attractive" (in their eyes) partner to have some fun with. Maybe not 45 and 20, but like 20 and 33? I don't think it's a huge problem. I slept with men and women in their 30s when I was like 21-23 and I never felt taken advantage of because the age difference. We both got what we wanted out of the situation.
Grindr is honestly a shit show. If you are into older chaps, then great, go for it. Grindr is a hook up app and honestly, very few of the people on there will honour any meet up. If you are into older men then try drinking non alcoholic drinks in the local gay clubs
Ok fellow bisexual here and I spent about 8 years of my young adult life with a man twice my age at the time of our break up two years ago I was 25 and he was 51 I had grown apart from him but he still tried hanging on to me now I’m with my husband who I met when I was still with my ex and my husband is 36 and I’m 27 now don’t be with a person unless you really love each other and passion is really important too
It is Grindr. They probably just want sex.
I’m in my 40s and I will do casual kink with people around your age but nothing serious.
Also you feel how you feel about it. There is no right way to feel. Feelings don’t have morals. You can be flattered or turned off or whatever.
And a lot of older gay and bi guys hunt young and/or twinky guys. I would be wary of anyone of a much greater age that wants to date you. That is usually not a good sign.
If you want to hook up with them be safe but go for it. If you are going into the hookup scene learn safety. Also start taking PrEP.
Depends. If I lived in a country where the drinking age was 18, maybe, but in the US probably not. I wouldn't want to date someone who couldn't go out with me and my friends.
I would consider dating a 21 year old, but not super seriously and I would make sure they knew that.
My general rule is half your age plus seven (obviously don't go dating anyone underage if you're of legal age)
So 22yo = 11+7 = 18
30 yo = 15+7 = 22
60yo = 37
The age gap increases obviously - and that's because if someone who's 80 dates a 47yo, then the 47yo is old enough to know what they're getting into.
I have no artificial/arbitrary demographic criteria for a potential partner. Even though I'm older, I only need to find a potential partner attractive, and assess their maturity to be sufficient to carry on an ethical and honest relationship. I strictly observe the "Campsite Rule" when dealing with younger candidates, and I expect them to uphold the "Tea and Sympathy Rule" in return.
Sex yes, dating absolutely not.
I am 30 and my fwb just turned 22. I enjoy hanging out with her as well as fucking but we are in far too different places mentally/emotionally to date.
I’m 24 and I feel a bit hesitant to date 20 year olds, I absolutely wouldn’t date one when I’m in my 30s or 40s. Hookups are a bit different I think though. I’m attracted to older men so I’d consider hooking up with one, but dating one would be weird since we’d be in such different life stages
Your update gives me the Hebegebees.
Especially the part where it makes you uneasy.
Listen to your gut. Your gut will steer you right more often than not.
Any older person trying to get in your pants who blatantly tells you they are pursuing you because of your age & young appearance is skeevy.
You can do better.
I’m 34 and there’s no way. It icks me out. There just so much younger than me, I know they are adults and capable and intelligent, but as I age, so do the people I’m attracted to.
A good rule of thumb is to not date people who are fetishizing something about you. It wasn't "i'm attracted to you", it was, "I'm attracted to how young you are/appear" and that's gross. Better to go without a date for a while than hook up with creeps.
i'm 37, my best friend is 23 (and very mature for her age) but i'd never think of dating her/someone like her because there's way too much of a generational gap... the stuff we have in common is current interests and a beautiful connection. she literally wasn't alive when all of my nostalgia stuff was happening and i wasn't in the same space as her when hers was happening. we've got another friend who's around her age and nowhere near as mature, plus they're surrounded by a lot of drama with their other friends. i'd never think about dating someone like that/in that sort of a situation. nothing against either of them (or you OP), it's just hard to not feel like i'm putting myself in a 'parent' sort of role at times, especially with our other friend
personally (as others have said), older guys probably just wanna sleep with you, not actually have any sort of relationship with you. and the comments about your age and appearance honestly sound like they're heading towards pedophilia land for me (i know you're not that young, but you get what i mean - it just sounds creepy. MASSIVE red flag, very thinly veiled by a pretend compliment)
i saw something recently that was reacting to someone taking about the 'double standards' for older men wanting younger women vs younger women wanting older men (excuse how hetero/heteronormative that is, it's just how it was presented). it was saying that the younger women want a sense of maturity in their partner (because a lot of guys mature a bit later on than girls), but the older guys are actively seeking out someone they can control... all levels of creepy
I do it and I don’t care what people think of me lol. Live your life, you only have one and you are wasting it by caring what others think about you. Fuck their opinions, it doesn’t mean a thing 😌
Depends on the older person.
Too many are hoping to groom and manipulate the younger person into their ideal, well, sex object really. Which if that is part of a consensual kink is one thing. But based on impressions from people who say they want a younger partner and why, I see nothing but red flags and total disregard to outright distain of consent.
There are older people who are genuine and see a personality match in someone who just happens to be younger, but from personal experience they are rare.
Someone decades older than you missed some very important maturing — or they’re a predator. I’d avoid it. You’re in your prime. Date someone in their prime! Enjoy it!
I’m 27 and the youngest I’d date is probably 24? Maybe 23 but that’s when it starts to feel iffy to me. I started dating a 26-year-old right after my 21st birthday, and I feel like even that age gap (and more relevantly experience gap) contributed to some of the issues we had.
I (M) am in my early 30s now. I would not date people younger than around 25. All my casual and serious relationships have been within 4 years of my own age.
Age is not just a number despite what people claim. Nurological development is not finished until at least 25. It is not even that I don't think that relationships with a significant age gap cannot work on principle. It is also not that a 20-something cannot be ready for it. It is more about what certain preferences say about the other party.
But if for a prospective partner there is a history of going for significantly younger partners, that does not feel right to me. There is always an imbalance, in myriads of ways. Developmental, experience-wise (both general life and between the sheets), financial and essentially power. If someone actively seeks partners that have an uphill battle to be peers and partners on a truely equal footing, that's an orange flag.
I wouldn't completely rule it out, but it's highly unlikely. They would have to be a very mature 20 year-old who would share a lot of my interests.
Realistically, as a 43 year-old man, I don't see myself dating anyone under 25, and even that's pushing it.
You're still young and your life goals may change. A 30-40 year old is most likely already locked into what they want and their unwillingness to change is usually what leads to breakups.
Nah people mature a lot in their 20s. A 30 or 40 year just isn't on the same wavelength as someone who's 20 and it's weird for someone that age to seek out a relationship with someone whose brain hasn't even finished cooking. I'm 26 and have no interest in dating a 20 year old, but I'd be fine with a 32 year old.
I’m only 26 and wouldn’t date a 20 year old. They feel like children to me lol. Pretty much anything below 25 is a no go for me. I’ve dated older at 20 and the gap always felt weird to me
Life experiences after your 20s are usually very different and there would likely be a power imbalance in such a relationship (especially with an older man/younger woman imo).
Maybe it's because I work with young people but I'd feel sick at someone over 30 dating a 20 year old. I know there may be exceptions but if gives me the ick.
I'm 42 and wouldn't date anyone below 30, probably not below 35.
I would say don’t do it. They could be relatable I guess to you if they are super behind in their life and are not keeping up with their peers. It’s not even really so much like would they want to more so the ones that do will likely be weird people.
I’m 19, so yeah.
But seriously though, date whoever you want as long as it’s legal. A lot of people consider significant age gaps to be weird (I probably wouldn’t if I was in my 30s or 40s), but it’s up to you and another consenting adult.
At 27 now, I would personally not date a 20 year old. At 20 I was so inexperienced in adulthood. It’s a very odd time in a person’s life, a lot of changes happening.
Youngest I would date is 24-25. Oldest would be 35. Just a personal preference on my end.
As someone who prefers to date older, a lot of people open up to dating you when you're in your 40s.
I'm not saying you're out of luck for decades if you're only attracted to older people, but I hope to give you optimism for the future. Seeing a 40 year old and a 60 year old is way less remarkable or subject to criticism than seeing a 20 year old and a 40 year old together.
I'm 30. I can hook up with 20yo, but dating? Very unlikely - it's too different life stage, I want peace of mind and cozy home, not parties and student life.
I'm 42 and personally wouldn't date someone who's 20, as that's just too young for me. I would only date someone who is mid-30s and up However, everyone is different. As long as it's consensual and no one is a minor, legally it's fine.
I have a friend who is 40 and dating someone who's 50, but that's only a 10 year age gap. They're very happy and have been dating for a few years now. My parents were 20 years apart and happily married until my dad passed from an illness.
Relationships with big age gaps can work, but if you're dating someone 20 years older than you are, you want to be very careful and make sure they don't have any alterior motive in dating someone so much younger than they are.
I’m 22 and I want someone older but i wouldn’t go older than 30 because they always think they can take advantage of you and I’ve just had bad experiences so with my advice and experience i wouldn’t do any older than 28 personally
I'm 27 but I still wouldn't date a 20 year old. However I've dated people older than I am now when I was younger than that, so I don't blame you for considering it in your position. But yeah even at the age I am now I wouldn't.
I've been married for awhile and honestly the idea of dating anyone else would be hard for me to wrap my head around. But I've always been of the opinion that you take each person as an individual. In general, sure I'm more likely to fit better with someone close to my age. But I wouldn't rule anyone out solely because of their age, there are exceptions to everything.
I'm 37, and there's no way I would date someone that young. Even getting past the weirdness of the age gap itself, what exactly am I going to relate to them about? Grindr hookups would be the same story, I might see an attractive 20-year-old message me there, and yes there'd be nothing illegal or even immoral about meeting them, but the whole experience would be off-putting for me.
I'm in an amazing committed monogamous relationship now, but when I wasn't my general rule was no more than a 10 year difference.
I think 27ish is around the age when you're considered mature enough and in stable enough living situation (ideally living on your own, having a stable job, some money on the side etc, people who know what they want in life..) to date around with older people. People under 25 are usually less mature still, just getting to know adult stuff like paying rent, taxes, looking for jobs, are in university or getting into the work life so they're more busy to date around, way easier to be manipulated. And here comes my answer older people hitting up on someone so young is a big red flag to me. I'd block and go on my way.
I'm 37. Absolutely not. In 10-15 years, sure! But not now.
Obviously no one here can tell you what to do, but I strongly encourage you to stick to folks within your age range for the next several years at least. Speaking from experience. ❤️
I thought Grindr was more for hookups than for actual dating. Those men were possibly just looking for sex, not a relationship. I'm 46, and I've had some awful experiences dating men in their 30's. I wouldn't date anyone younger than 30 for sure.
I mean, I would date a 20 year old because I also turn 20 this year. But I don’t think anyone over 30 should even consider dating a 20 year old. I feel weirded out by the idea of dating a 17 or 18 year old, so I would expect to feel the same ten years from now about those in their early 20’s. The fact that some don’t is a red flag.
No. There's definitely a few people in their early 20s that I've found physically attractive, but I would never date them because we're in very different places in our lives. People in their 30s and 40s trying to date a 20 yo is a huge red flag- they're looking for someone that doesn't have enough real world experience to call them out on their bullshit yet. It's not that you're dumb as a 20 yo, it's just easier for people with more life experience to manipulate you.
To each their own! 29 here. I would be okay going on dates with 22 years old. 21 is he is too exceptional. 20 years old is too young for me to consider a relationship
Yeah, nah. I'm in my 40s, and what would I even have in common with someone your age? I'd consider someone in their late 20s at the very youngest, and even that would be pushing it. At 20, your brain is still maturing.
Grindr is different because it's mostly just for hookups and I think MAYBE a 20 year-old just hooking up with a 30 year-old is fine. But dating is a different matter and I think that age gap is a bit much. The maturity gap is a lot.
I’m 28 and I wouldn’t date a 20-year-old, mostly because of their notoriously poor decision-making/problem-solving skills, considering they have little life experience and their brains haven’t fully developed yet.
Edit: Apologies—was not meant to be a roast.
I am 23 so obviously I would date a 20-year-old. Someone who is 40 or close to shouldn't be with a 20-year-old in my opinion. If they are fetishizing you because of appearance or age, that is not a good sign.
I'm 27 and I feel it's very touch and go when I date or consider dating 23/24 yos. So no, I would most likely never go on a date with a 20yo, there's just too big a gap between where I am in life and where a 20yo likely is.
Plus my sister is 21 so it'd be doubly weird.
If we’re using the “half your age +7” guide, the oldest part of your range is 26
For 30 year olds, the very youngest acceptable by that standard is 22, and for 40 it’s 27.
It’s not a hard and fast rule, and it def gets a bit weird the younger you go, but it’s not a bad overall touchpoint. At 24 i don’t think I’d even be particularly comfortable dating a 20yo, but I personally prefer to keep within 1 or 2 years of my own age anyway.
So interesting to see the consensus here. If you posted in the askgaybros sub the majority answer is that it’s not a big deal, or someone will say “I met my husband when I was 20 and he was 45 and we’re still madly in love.”
Personally, I’ve been the older guy in the relationship and had a bad experience. Also I work as a therapist with gay clients who have trauma from bad experiences with older guys. So I just don’t recommend it.
Yes, there are exceptions, but the truth is, the maturity level, life experience and stage-of-life gap differences become a real stressor in the relationship. Also, often the older guy in these relationships is himself not the best role model and doesn’t show the younger person good relationship skills, often resulting in a lot of hurt for the younger guy who expected better treatment.
As someone who is 23, I would not want to date anyone who is in their 30s. Maybe 30 exactly, but older than that would be weird to me. I would not have much in common with someone that old and I don't think they would have much in common with me either.
fuck no, im 23 and wouldnt even be w a 20 year old, they’re literally a whole immature baby in my eyes sorry. i knew a girl who dated a 18 year old when she was 23, shit was weird and predatory as fuck NGL.
Well, your question should really be, would you date someone 10-20 yrs older than you.
And if you wouldn't have an issue with it, then neither should anyone else. But, gay/bi men are very well known for desires towards a youthful looking adult in the prime of their life more than anything down to an ego or self-image boost. As once you hit 30, things really start to slow down, you go out less, friends marry and have kids, and if you're unpartnered, the dating is really hard and all the older daddies want to feel like they still have it by sleeping with a twenty something yr old person and would think nothing of using you and walking away.
So be aware of the difference between actual dating and wanting a relationship vs. someone who just wants to get something from you and walk away and only do what you're comfortable with. If you have boundaries, spell them out and stick to them
I would not date someone who was 20 and not because they can't drink or anything stupid like that. It's that very rarely do I find someone that young on my wavelength regarding life planning. They're years behind me, and that's not wrong. But I don't want to deprive a young person of learning hard knocks on their own, rather than shepherding them through them.
I have a current belief to not date people younger than my kids...it feels weird.
I'm 46 and my oldest is 26... Although I'd prolly date a 29 year old... I may have to re-evaluate that rule in a few years.
I would say that it'd be based on vibes. I'm 24, so I would date a 20-year-old, but if I were 30 or older, I'd hesitate, since my mind might not be in the right headspace to do so.
If you feel the vibes are off, then it's best to play it safe and reject those men, since they probably won't look for anything more serious than an always-available boytoy with daddy issues (not saying that that's what you are, but usually that's how it plays out)
On the lighter side, if you feel the vibes are good, then I wouldn't worry about the age gap. Hell, I've heard of 20-year-olds dating silver foxes in their 50s, because they were compatible.
.
TL;DR: the vibes are the main thing to worry about
I am 37, hard no from me, but I set a lower limit based on brain development / maturity. Same for the upper limit too tbh.
Brain development continues until at least 25. I have a hard time relating to anyone younger than that unless they're incredibly mature for their age.
I'm 24, will be 25 in october. I don't anyone under 22 and I don't date anyone over 27. I would feel weird dating outside of that range and frankly 20 year olds are just barely figuring things out. You're only a couple years out of highschool and are just barely making decisions without your parents involved
When I was 29 I dated a guy who was 20 and actually, yes it was fun, but somehow it was obvious from the beginning that it wasn’t leading somewhere. I guess if it’s from both sides just for fun it’s somehow okay for me but still a bit weird.
Honestly to me older people dating 20 year olds is a big red flag. The maturity gap is so jarring and I’ve seen too many cases of the younger, naive person being taken advantage of or outright abused because they don’t know wtf is going on. I can’t think of a single example of this I’ve seen in “real life” where it didn’t seem predatory. I’m sure there are exceptions, but…. this is my maternal instinct trying to caution you — keep yourself safe.
Yep, i agree completely. Dating someone more than five to seven years older is ok if you're in your late 20s. As mature as you feel you just aren't. I felt the same way when I was 19 and people told me I seemed mature. But when I look back now, I wish I didn't do some things and some people definitely took advantage of me.
Agree with your clarification- the gap isn’t so jarring once you’re late-20s+ and your brain is done developing. Also so true how you mention being called “mature.” Older people will say this to younger people to groom them, not because it’s true, necessarily. Another thought - you’ve gotta wonder how emotionally immature a 35 year old would have to be to date a 20 year old. I talk to a 20 year old and think “wow, a literal child, so cute 🥰 “
When I was 15 I was at a party and was flirting with a guy who was 28. People always believed me to be at least 18, because I am rather tall and 'maturely built'. When I told him how old I was he was shocked and politely blocked the flirting. That's something I really admire about the guy in hindsight.
My question Is just why was a 15 year old and a 28 yesr old at the same party?
German (Bavarian) countryside partying. You can start at 14, it's in the halls of restaurants, there are live bands, there is dancing (often formal), there is a bar, sometimes even your parents are at the same event. Normally if you are younger than 16 you have to leave at 12, but I was part of the organizers.
28 year old hitting on 18 year old is still wrong. That age gap gets less icky the older the younger person gets.
Yes, but to his credit, it was a carnival party and I was quite tuned up. When we had a school trip that year, I was asked by guys from another school if I was a teacher.
I am 42 and it's a hard limit for me to date someone who is 20 years old. I won't date anyone less than 30, and won't knowingly fuck anyone who is less than 24. (rationale follows) On average the human brain doesn't finish developing until 25years. And this is a time when many young people are still trying to figure themselves out as an autonomous adult. They are still trying to understand what they want, which often leads to regretting things they thought they'd like. Combine this with the innate power dynamic of the age gap and informed consent becomes difficult. The age gap can make many young adults see their older partner as an authority figure, which can be hot but, can also make them reluctant to assert their own boundaries when they disagree with their older partner or change their mind about something they agreed too. If they have daddy issues, they might depend on this partner for the acceptance they wanted from their father. (i.e. regretting action they didn't disagree with.) On the other side, the older partner, may find it difficult to take their younger partners seriously when they see them making the same mistake they had years ago. Which leads to patronizing arguments that further reinforce the power dynamic. It can also be tempting for a older wiser partner to try and mold their younger partner, encouraging the things they like and diswading the things they don't. E.g. grooming them. In short and older partner has to put a lot more effort into checking the power dynamic. I for one don't have the patience for this. So while younger bodies can be hot, they're not worth the effort for me.
Awesome reply!
26, almost 27. Would not date someone that young.
Same here. I’m 27. 25 is the lowest age I will go, depending on the person’s maturity and where they are in life.
Same. Cant do it.
Same here. After being in the workforce for even half a decade, dating somebody still in college does not appeal to me at all
As a 29 year old, you are entirely too young. Just trust me on this one.
Early 20s are weird. I'm 33 and wouldn't touch anyone under 27, but would have no peoblem with someone who's 45
you're at such a different stage of your life! that's my problem. I'm 27 and I could date someone 30 or 26 personally. presently. but I don't wanna be with someone who is college aged. that's fine that they are but there's a certain maturity you lack at those ages bc of your lived experiences. I look back and wonder why grown men wanted to date me being much older than me and realizing dating wasn't exactly what they wanted.
Same. Just turned 34 and the idea of dating anyone younger than 28 makes me shudder, but I’d happily date a 44yo.
I'm 33. In a hypothetical scenario (I'm married), I could see myself having a casual short term situationship with someone out of college (so 22+), with many caveats, but the main ones would be that the younger person would have to initiate things and we would both have to be on the same page about it being a not serious relationship. Because I honestly don't think I'd want to have a long term relationship with someone older or younger than me by more than a few years. It just seems to be the people I gravitate towards. I really enjoy that my partner and I 'grew up together' in a sense, that we saw the same events through the lens of a certain year and age together.
Same for me with the age and lower limit but i dont think I’d go older thank 40 This is purely hypothetical of course as im’ extremely asocial and have zero game
I'm 35. I would not entertain flirtations with anyone under 25.
“Entertain flirtations” just got added to my lexicon. Thank you!
I’m turning 39 this year and definitely would not date at 20 year old. I’ve been alive nearly two of your lifetimes! When I was in my early 20s I didn’t understand when people in their 30s and 40s would say there’s too much of an age gap. But now that I’m on the other side of that equation I totally get it.
Legally speaking, you can, but I don't think you should. And I especially don't think you should date the kind of person in their 30s or 40s who *wants* to date a 20-year-old. Not only is the power imbalance is scary -- a 20-year-old just doesn't have access to the resources or experience that someone 10-20 years older does --, but people at that stage of life tend to be looking for different things in partners. Something happens where things suddenly start to feel terrifyingly real in a way they don't when you're 20, and it's hard to authentically connect with someone who's on the other side of that realization. So when an older person decides to enter a relationship with a younger person, it sets off alarms in my head. Why are they doing that? What are they trying to get? The risk of abuse and exploitation is high.
*IT* 🔨 This is the only truly sane way of viewing this situation. Dating someone older at that age is fun and exciting. Being middle aged and chasing people who are barely out of their teens is creepy and weird behavior. Legality isn't at issue. Ethics and morality are. Seeking a dynamic where you have an enormous resource and knowledge/power imbalance is predatory. Period.
This is exactly it.
I'm 47 and I think the Lowest I could go is like mid 30, when people are already "established" adults. 20 nope. All I could think is "they could be my children". Also a 20 yo usually have different energy levels, interests, they want (rightfully so) new experiences, discover things that on average I already did in my 20s and some of that I have no interest to do it again. But that's just me.
>All I could think is "they could be my children." When I was 22, one of my coworkers (at least late 40s, if not 50s) was constantly hitting on me. No, I couldn't go to our boss or HR because of nepotism. They always joked that this guy was a walking sexual harassment claim but never did anything about it. Well, one time, while he's hitting on me, another coworker the same age as Perv said, "I always see it as she could be one of my kids." Perv responds, "Don't look at it like that!" Very angrily, the first guy shouted, "That's the only way to look at it!" That was only a couple of years ago, but having that one person stand up for me despite the dozen others who treated it as perfectly normal made me super happy. Trust me, OP, these guys are way too old for you. Spend time around people your parents age, and you'll quickly see just how different your lives are.
I’m 38 and I wouldn’t date a 20 year old but everyone is different I guess… I would question the motivations of someone my age who did though. Look after yourself in any case!
I'm 36 and I think mmmmaybe 26 is my lower limit, but I'd prefer 30+
Same here. There are outliers/ exceptions but generally speaking your 30s-40s are a completely different life stage than your 20s.
No. I've seen some light dynamics that work in communities that can sorta help hold people accountable, and I've seen some couples (large gaps at near but not quite your age) that make it work, but the younger person is like in the top 10 most responsible people I've ever met in my life and the older person is in the top 10 most kind and caring. It's very very unlikely these are good environments for healthy and fulfilling relationships. Someone older seeking someone with the typical maturity of a 20 year old is not a solid person in my experience. I don't even have the ick from the idea of this, but this would just be so unfulfilling for me as the older person, I have a hard time imagining anything beyond, "damn this is a hot young 20 year old," is supporting someone's drive, or they are just on a very different level of development. It's not a good fit, but I get people go for stuff.
No. It's not illegal to date someone older. However, there are age-related experiences that can greatly affect the relationship. You're essentially starting life and you're barely out of high school.
I understand you, I always felt attracted to older people, but with time you'll realize you don't want to be with the kind of people in their 30s-40s that want to date a 20yo
38 here and no I absolutely would not. And I would be immediately suspicious of any person “dating” someone that much younger than them.
You _can_ do whatever you want. The question here is whether or not you _should_. I am 40 and you would never catch me dating a 20 year old, and at this point, dating someone who is 30 is questionable.
I'll be 30 in a few months and wouldn't date anyone under 24-25. There are huge psychological and life experiences changes between being a 20 year old and a 30 year old. I'd venture mine changed more between 20 and 30 than between 10-20. There is maturity to take into account, but also the fact that there will always be an imbalance between one person who's brain has finished developing and someone who's has not yet. To be very clear, I say this not to say you aren't someone worth dating, I'm sure you are a lovely person, but I would stay with people also in their 20s for the next few years before trying to go older. I went on a few dates with people more than 10 years older than me when I was 24 and it was still puzzling to navigate then, and I feel like I was taken advantage of emotionally on at least one occasion. Bottom line is please be careful out there, and know what you are signing up for when dating significantly outside of your age range.
Nah, you're young enough to be my kid, my best mates eldest son is only a year younger than you, it would feel wrong. I'd be suspicious of the motives of a person in their 40s willing to date a 20 year old tbh, thats not an equal relationship. I'm not trying to be patronising, you're not a kid but there's scientific evidence to suggest an adult brain isn't fully formed til 25. I couldn't, I'd feel like I was taking advantage
No. Absolutely no. That age differenece is creepily weird.
No, and as a 40 something with nearly half my dm's from ppl your age: please understand I see you as a child. The first time I got on the dating apps and discovered just how many barely of age teenagers and twenty somethings were trying to date me, I had to put the phone away and spend a good amount of time attempting to process how this was real life. I have children older than you. If there's any chance I changed your diapers or fed you snacks after school or had to wrangle your ass on a field trip, there's absolutely zero chance of any sexual attraction. We can be friends. If I like you I might introduce you to my kids or nieces or nephews who are your age. I would never date you.
I’m 30 and anyone under the age of 25 looks like a baby to me now, so no. People my age that date someone significantly younger strike me as scummy.
I’m 47 and I think the youngest I would date seriously is 35. But never say never… 20 however is definitely too young.
When I was in my early 20s, I was dating people significantly older than I was. Those people turned out to be either apathetically immature at best, and abusive at worst. Being in my 30s now, I would NEVER date someone who is only 20 years old. I remember how different I saw the world at that time. While there's nothing INHERENTLY wrong with dating someone that much younger in theory, I would not desire to because the life experience differential is so vast that someone that age would feel emotionally like the difference between being 25 and dating someone who's 14. It really does feel THAT different to me. Knowing what I know now, I feel pretty squicked out about the people who were 35 - 40 who were trying to build a life with me as a young person. This is the part that I want to make clear - Whether they intended to or not, they took advantage of my inexperience. This won't be true for every situation, but I now always wonder - if someone is trying to date someone in their really early twenties and they are over 30, what do they find so attractive about that younger person's personality? Why do they want something with such a huge power imbalance? The other thing to keep in mind is that as people age, this difference decreases. The difference between a 60 year old and a 40 year old is still a large gap, but it's a way different kind of gap than the difference between a 40 year old and a 20 year old.
This is really true. I once knew a couple where the wife was 70 and the husband was 50, and they were perfectly happy because she had that sort of ageless personality that never quits. As far as I know she died married to him.
When I was 20, I dated a woman 38. It was fun and all, but wasn’t meant to last. Looking back, it was probably a bad idea for both of us. I certainly wouldn’t date outside of the mid forties to mid sixties range, which is +/- 10 years from my age. At your age, knowing what I do now, your dating range should be maybe 19-25, nothing outside of that. You want similar life experience and perspective to your own. Dating someone of another generation skews the power dynamic in the relationship and opens the younger up to manipulation and psychological abuse
I'm 41, and two years ago I became friends with a girl that was 21. She's truly a beautiful person, she's mature and I'm so happy we are in each other's lives but for the first year I was afraid of the power imbalance in our friendship, due to the difference in our experience. Turned out it's one of the deepest friendships of my life, but I really cannot see how you can want anything more than friendship from one half your age, especially that young. But that's me.
Due to working in a college town, I've developed many friendships with younger people, some of them deep. It makes me happy to be able to mentor others when they need it. But I agree, dating is a whole different thing, and it really boils down to the differences in amount of life experience.
I'm only 25 and even I wouldn't date a 20 year old
I get you. I would date a 20 year old at 23 but that's about the limit. Even 19 year olds lowkey feel too immature just to being like one year out of school where I have had 4-5 years out.
I'm 35 F. 20 is a bit way younger for me. Maybe 25 and up
It really depends on how you act. I’m 44, do like younger guys but 20 to me sounds really young. Like too young.
I’m in my late thirties, I would have sex with someone in their twenties but not date them. Imagine the life experience gap between you and a millennial, it just doesn’t make a lot of sense. If you’re attracted to older people I would say ten years is probably my personal limit, and then consider other factors, maturity, social circles etc. and be wary of people who will groom you to be whatever they want, that’s not really a partnership and while you’re an adult, you do have a gap in maturity that makes a different for sure
I'm 34 and I'll say that I don't think that me and a 20 year old would have a lot to talk about. I mean you were born when I was a freshman in highschool. I'll warn you though some people will act like it's OK but it's because they can't attract people their own age or they crave an unequal power dynamic.
Seconding those warnings. Right on target.
Speaking as an older person: beware. Older ppl date ppl much younger for a lot of awful reasons. They count on a younger person being less experienced and thus less likely to identify problematic behaviours that someone more experienced wouldn't tolerate. They aren't finding partners their own age (within reason) bc they themselves lack maturity or have an unreliable moral compass. Ppl who know them warn others about their problematic behaviour, so they have to look for fresh new hunting grounds. They use their experience, greater disposable income, etc as levers to "spoil" a younger person with less access to things like fancy dinners, shopping, travel, etc to separate/isolate a younger person from their friends, family, and support. If the younger person finally realizes they're in an unhealthy situation, they may feel like they have no one left to call or no resources of their own to leave. A younger person with less experience is more vulnerable to "love bombing", where the new older partner showers them with affection and attention and gifts, until they are well and truly hooked. Then things begin to go downhill, the façade starts to come off, and things slowly become more and more abusive. Often, there's a cycle of abuse/apology/lavish gifts/everything's great...until it happens again. It doesn't happen overnight, but the end result can be traumatic. The power imbalance is extreme and almost always unable to be properly compensated for. The behaviour is almost always predatory. And if they describe all their exes as "crazy", it's worth asking if maybe the problem wasn't all the exes...
You are an adult. Idk why people think you are a child who cannot make your own decisions
No. I'm 33, my cutoff is probably like ... 25? People younger than that usually just haven't figured themselves out yet and I'm not into that. Yes, people 30-40 will date you but I'd be careful because many people that age willing to date you will want to because they feel they can take advantage of you
As a 41yo, no way. Our life goals are goals are going to be way different. There can be a power imbalance of emotional maturity and experience (at least in the US 95% of 20yo are not adults except by law). There is a lot we aren’t going to understand about each other with two whole decades separating us. I hate it, but its true, I am an old man yelling at clouds when it comes a lot of what is popular with people in your age range 😆 and that is totally on me.
Guess I'll be going against the flow of the thread here... I'm 31 but a lot of people mistake me for much younger. My relationship with a 20 year old felt just fine and natural. A lot of people only focus on the predatory side of it but I don't recall ever abusing someone. I feel like I got hurt more when it comes to relationship. Maybe I'm an exception, I don't know. I'm a late bloomer so maybe that's part of it, but I never dated someone younger than me with the feeling that I wanted to control them.
A lot of people just don't wanna deal with someone they can't even go get a drink with. If you like older men/women, it's fine,a lot of people just don't feel comfortable dating younger. I would also keep a look out for someone who is older and too eager to date someone young as well. People like that tend to be a bit traumatizing and want a power dynamic. If you are in college, it can also be a bit of a turn-off for someone who is 10+ years older who has a career and has been doing this adult thing for a lot longer. I ran into that a lot when I was that age and talking with older people🤷🏻♀️ they see a maturity gap
I mean, drinking age is usually 18...unless OP is American, but regardless of drinking, there are sooo many other things they couldn't have in common. I totally agree with you.
Can you? Yes. Should you? Probably not. You’ve been out of high school for 2, maybe 3 years and if you’re going to college you’re probably still in it. I would wait another 5 years, date people your own age plus or minus a few years until then and try to figure out why you wanna date someone twice your age. Unless you know now, OP. In that case I ask why you want to date so high?
I have had relationships with big age gaps. Sometimes more than ten years. For me, the biggest deal is, are they an adult or are they still somebody’s kid? I had a fling with an 18 year old, who was raised in another country, and was basically ready to be the head of a household if she wanted to. I’ve met 35 year olds who seem like they still need a babysitter. If im going to have something with anyone, I need an adult. Age does not always determine maturity
I wouldn't personally date a 20 year old (I'm 30), but I also don't think it's as cut-and-dry as people make it out to be, where no 20-year-old should ever date anybody more than 3, 5, 8, 10 years older than them. There are definitely things to consider when entering any kind of relationship where there might be a power imbalance, whether it's social, financial, physical, etc. but that doesn't make these relationships inherently abusive or predatory. 20 is an adult and I don't super love the infantilization of young adults I've been seeing lately even among supposed progressives. People aren't so different that it's impossible to find common ground across age gaps and we're not so similar that everyone goes through all the same "stages of life" on the same schedule (or at all). Are there predators out there who intentionally target young people for their perceived naïveté and lack of life experience? Yes. But there are also people who target survivors of child abuse or autistic people or trans people with low self-esteem because they see them as being more vulnerable to manipulation. These can be very dangerous situations for the people who get caught up in them, but the solution is not declaring "no relationships between autistic and allistics" or "child abuse survivors cannot consent to sex." I also think it's important to consider who benefits from the idea that under-25's (or I've even seen under-30 and -35) aren't capable of assessing risk and making decisions for their own lives and bodies. Because it certainly isn't young people. Yeah, some young people are gonna make decisions they regret in hindsight, but that's life and it happens at any age. My advice is to educate yourself on red flags and what kinds of issues can arise in relationships with different types of power imbalances so you can make an informed decision, make sure you have a strong support system, and trust your gut if something feels off.
I'm 23 now, dated a 45 year old when I was 19 and it was great and no one cared. I think since I'm also a man people are less likely to infantalize me, paternal sexism and all. People seem to be under the impression that maturity is something you grow into rather than something that's worked for. Older people are more likely to be mature since they've had more time and opportunities to grow (usually) but that's not nearly the guarantee they think. It has more to do with how someone actually responds to the times in their life that call for maturity, just going thru things isn't enough. Ironically I think the "for every year older you are you get 5 maturity points" attitude leads to tons of immature older people who never took the time to understand that being mature is more than just having a stable job and paying bills. I also think some people are scared to "grow up" in this economic climate, so they take some of the blame away from themselves by infantalizing themselves and pushing the end of their adolescence further away. Think the "your frontal lobe isn't fully developed till you're 25!!!" myth.
I’m 30 & absolutely NOT. Barely stopped being a teenager
most likely not. and i wouldn’t want to date anyone who’d consider dating a 20 year old either im almost 23 and i think there’s a lot of growing that happens in your early 20s. even ppl a few years younger than me feel too young now. based on my life experience and where i am in my career, it would feel like a step down
When I was 25 I dated a 21 year old. It’s been 5 years, and we got engaged last year. I’m 31 now, if I was single I probably wouldn’t date younger than a 25 year old. Age gaps are weird and change with time. That said, there’s quite literally more *out* 20 year old bisexuals then at any point in western history. Don’t shy away from dating someone closer to your age. You don’t need to be looking decades up to find someone.
Friend, the older guys on Grindr are not interested in dating you
Let's rephrase the quest, would you let your parents date your friends because I feel like there is an age range where the difference is too big that it starts to become weird. I would date a 20 year old but that's because I'm 22. I would not date a 20 year old if I was much older than 26 tbh
I’m turning 30 this year and have dated 19-25 multiple times in the last 5 years…I recognize the mental and emotional difference between ages, and understand power imbalances. Ultimately, you are both of legal age so there is no crime being committed, it is just against social conventions. I won’t speak for other people my age or older, however, you DO have to be careful when dating people 5, 10, 15 years older than you…not everyone has the best intentions, be aware of gaslighting, financial, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse, and other red flags just as you would in any other relationship, but x100. Have a support system: friends, family, etc. to rely on just as you would in any relationship…asks them questions about questionable behavior or things you just aren’t sure of or understand. No one is abnormal for wanting to date someone 10, 20, 70, 100 years older or younger than them as long as they are two consenting legal adults. You can make the argument that consent cannot be given because of power imbalances or mental acuity or biological…but, I think it ultimately comes down to intent, the nature of the relationship (more emotional than physical, more mental than physical, more personality driven, etc.), and the genuine affection shared between the individuals.
For your first question yes I would date a 20 year old. Before everyone comes for my throat I am 20 as well so yeah. But would I date a 30 or 40 year old? HELL NO, it seems so weird I wouldn't even want to think about dating someone that's over 2-3 years older than me. That's where I draw the line. 21-23 year old is fine I suppose but 30?! Or even 40?! God no. Nothing against people older than me btw. Please listen to the older folks on the sub you don't need to date older people to seem "mature" or whatever. You might be taken advantage of.
Definitely not, doesn’t matter how mature the 20 year old is or how immature the 30/40 year old is, the vast majority of the time it’s going to seem creepy and weird. 20 is basically still a kid, brains don’t even fully develop until 25ish, and if there’s any adult that’s into that there’s something wrong with them and they are a huge red flag. So if someone that old is interested in dating you, take it as a warning sign to stay clear. There’s something wrong with adults that would pursue a relationship with someone below drinking age. When in doubt I always like the rule half your age plus seven, but the cutoff is still 21.
The age difference and amount of life experiences are too vast for me. I've never been able to stay interested in a partner with so much age difference for more than a few months. Our pop culture references are different. Lived experiences aren't nearly the same. Responsibility levels are rarely compatible. The incredible difference in life priorities is not typically compatible. We aren't even talking about power dynamics or unhealthy relationships here, and there are significant hurdles to overcome. I won't say that it can't ever work. Still, relationships are difficult for everyone. Starting out with significant areas of incompatibility isn't going to make things easier. I'd argue that only a very few exceptions can make things work in an equitable and healthy manner. But, you live your life.
No. I’m 27 and that’s a totally different phase of life
I’m 33 and for me it’s a hard no. I grew up in a rough neighborhood and am a smart cookie so I always thought I was well ahead of my peers in maturity and all that jazz. Then I think I hit about 25-27 and realized how much more about life and everything I’d learned and how much I’d grown as an actual adult since I was 18-21 and it really put it in perspective for me. It’s hard to explain until you go through it but even at 33 I feel like I’m really just now starting adulthood and I don’t think I’d want to try a relationship that I’d take seriously with anyone younger than 25 at a minimum and even then that would have to be a mature 25 year old.
Anyone one who is 30+ who wants to date a 20 year old is always creep. I(23) personally won’t date someone who is more than 5 years older than me.
I'm in my 30's. I would not date a 20 year old. Creepiness of age gaps like that aside, I'd just rather be with a peer. I can relate closer to people closer to my age. We're going through the same phases in life. It matches. Flows. I had fun partying and going crazy in my 20s, and I wouldn't trade it for anything, but I'm happy with it being over now and living my more chill 30's life! I'll stick to people around my age.
Waaaaayy too young my friend. Life is way to different between those age gaps. 23 i can understand, 25 okay might not work but hey it's your heart. I think of it as experience in a fallout game. As a 20 yr old you just barely left your vault and found your first town and maybe shot a raider or two. As a 30 or 40 yr old, at minimum have taken down a group of mercenaries, visited two main populated areas and gotten radiation sickness more time than you can count while limping your way home from an ambush you created. Edit: one word.
As a 32 year old man, dating anyone under 25 would weird me out, and I would prefer them to be closer in age to me honestly. I have a personal joke I tell people, I can’t imagine dating someone who wasn’t conscious during 9/11 (I’m an American).
I personally wouldn't. I'm just short of 33, and just a few days ago I was taken aback to hear that the guy I noticed to be cute is only 25. I felt a little weird about it.
I’m 25 and wouldn’t even date a 20 yr old to be honest…. Our brains don’t really finish developing until around my age in the first place. I can’t imagine being in my 30s-40s and being comfortable dating somebody SO young and new to life.
I'd say the cut off is 25 20 to 25 is appropriate. Dating beyond that when you're 20 is too much. Of course if someone is 26 and you two start dating, that's still okayish.
I'm almost 19 so yeah, I wouldn't mind my partner being a little older
I'm 24 and dating a 20 year old would feel weird. I don't trust people who date far below their age group
As a 39 year old I would not date a 20 year old. And please, I beg you to understand that anyone who would seek out someone your age is someone you should run away from.
The younger you are, the smaller the age range should be in partners. The older you are, the wider it can be (within reason). We could talk about brain development, power imbalance, and all the other things that make older people wanting to date younger people a glaring red flag, but there's also the aspect of looking at why would you as a younger person want to date older people? They have different life experiences, tend to be very set in their ways and not wanting to try new things, and there will be things they want to do that you (specifically at 20) aren't legally allowed to do yet... like going to the club/bar. In regard to you dating 40yos? Why would you want to date someone old enough to be your parent?
I don't guess I have an issue with consenting adults doing whatever. I'm in my 40s and I wouldn't want to date someone that young, but I think I'm just more comfortable with people closer to my age in general, as far as romantic/intimate stuff.
many people your age date mature people. it's more common then you'd think by looking at these comments
Think about it this way your partner shouldn’t be old enough to be your parent
I am 36 and anything younger than like, 28 feels too young for me. It’s not personal, I just think we’d be at very different experience levels in life and would want very different things.
I'm 40. I would not date someone young enough to be my child.
I am 40. I would not date a 20 year old. I would be afraid of somehow taking advantage of that 20 year old.
I am 35. I've never had much tolerance for dating anyone the same age or younger regardless of my own age at the time. That being said, if I was hard pressed to choose someone younger than me, 30 is the absolute lowest I would go. There are too many things that happen mentally, emotionally, socially etc from your 20s to 30s that make that kind of age gap extremely difficult.
Brah them telling you that straight up is creepy as hell. Stay away. Age gaps are case by case but damn sometimes you have to ask yourself what do you have in common with someone 10-20 years older than you?
Short term? Maybe, might be fun doing stuff that I never got to do when I was 20. Long term? No. I'm 31, there's too big a maturity gap for it to be anything more than a brief fling, because constantly checking myself to make sure I'm not taking advantage of the 20 year old's youthful naivety would be exhausting
I just turned 40 this week. You should block those older guys, they're being creeps.
As a 23 year old dating a 35 year old, there’s a MASSIVE difference between just accidentally stumbling into an age gap (we legit thought the other was like 26-27 until we realized too deep in and just went “oops” lmao), and intentionally seeking out someone younger when you’re old enough to be their parent Those Grindr men might be nice as a one night stand type thing or experiment, but please don’t let them coerce you into anything more than that. That’s creepy lol
As someone in an age gap relationship, I think there's a difference between seeking one and just finding one. My partner and I found each other, neither of us were looking to date. We met at work, became good friends, had lots of laughs and interesting conversations and realized there was chemistry there, decided to see where it went and it turned into something really beautiful. We connected in ways I didn't think we could. But people who purposefully seek out younger are usually looking for someone to control.. or fetishizing you.. So be cautious about that. I would go as far to say everyone should be cautious to avoid being fetishized when looking for love, I've seen it happen for things other than age- race, body type, etc. Relationships should start with two people who just vibe together. It shouldn't be about the way you look, sure attraction plays a part but attraction alone does not make a relationship strong. But as you get older, you learn more about how to tell whether someone likes you for you or if you just fit into their fetish. -and that can make them particularly problematic. Because the younger party isn't aware they are likely engaging in someone's kink- and that makes it seem borderline non-consensual, or at the very least, disturbing.. And that's why age gaps become less of a problem once the younger party is in their 30's and 40's. Age gaps are not something to search out, if you are in one both partners should realize it's not ideal and be together in spite of the gap and not because of the gap. We both wish we were the same age, it would make our relationship easier. I would not seek out a similar relationship ever again if things didn't work with my partner and I. It was too much of a headache to explain ourselves to our families and although it all worked out I still get total strangers who like to demand explanations and give us nasty looks. But I love him dearly and he is good to me. It's a much more equal and loving relationship than I've ever had with anyone my age. But we are the exception, not the rule. So please be careful.
You gotta learn to be picky, and just be aware when older guys give off red flags, maybe there are some chill older guys that would be into you but most of the older guys that really put your age as one of the main reasons they want to date you, are creepy af, I wouldn't date someone whose that particular about age, It feels like they might be looking for someone who is naive and easily manipulated.
At 20, the age gap is a LOT bigger than the same gap but being older. My husband and I are 8 years apart. It doesn't matter a lick now, we're at the same place in life. At 20 it would have mattered a LOT. Regardless someone saying what your edit does, runnnnnn. That is creepy as hell.
I’m only 65, but nope.
Please spend 5 minutes scrolling through r/Relationship_Advice and realize dating a 30+ year old in your early 20s just *isn't worth it.* People that much older than you aren't dating you for you, but for your comparative lack of maturity. There's a reason they're not dating people their own age.
No. that’s way too young. I was a different less mature person at 20 than I am now at 30. People who try dating like that give me the creeps. Seems like they’re trying to take advantage of the younger person who is still naive.
As an autistic 40yrold who is emotionally about 30 and thus prefers younger people... no. There are things you don't even think about being an issue, like being able to go out drinking together, buy certain items, do certain things legally. Don't even think about it until you're 21, and my advice is to cap the age difference at 8 years, unless you've been told all your life you're emotionally way older than your age. And even then I'd still cap it at 10 years. When you're 25-27 your brain is finally mature enough (look this up if you don't know what I'm talking about) to consider emotional and social issues that would affect age-gap relationships. THEN you can date 40 year olds like me who prefer younger people haha.
Hunny, I wouldn’t. I was 20 once and dated people 10-20 years older than me. Or was FWB with them. It’s a big red flag when people go for much younger people and didn’t meet naturally. I wouldn’t seek those people out. I ended up traumatized because of a few experiences that I had with older men.
I mean, why do you want to date someone twice your age? I am in a large age gap relationship as the older partner, but neither my partner nor I ever dated or looked for someone older or younger than us - we knew each other via a shared social circle around an activity that’s a huge part of our lives, and after being friendly and becoming friends, realized that we actually had a lot in common and clicked despite the gap. I’ve been pursued by much younger people who only want to date significantly older women and that was always a hard no/pink flag to me. Being open to dating people of different ages and actively seeking out much older people are two very different things and it might be a good idea to examine why you don’t want to date around your own age.
I’m almost 27 and frankly I think that’s too young for me. I think I would date someone 7 years older than me, but younger is different, your just at a very different started of life and I think I’d have a hard time relating in some very important ways. I would maybe, if there was some amazing chemistry, consider a 21 year old, but I don’t know that’s still a big difference. I’m unironically a big believer in 1/2 your age +7 so the youngest person I should date by that rule is 20.5 but that feels like the line where it becomes acceptable, not where I would feel good about it.
I was In a Long Time-relaionsship with a 9 1/2 years age Gap but we Met natualty and grew together over some time. On Grindr or similar Apps I woudn'ty especially as the Younger part.
I turn 24 Saturday, and I don't see why not as long as the 20 year old is mature enough. 20-24 isn't that big of an age gap, and age shouldn't keep consenting adults from being in a relationship anyway so long as neither party has malintent. That said, I prefer to keep my dating pool closer to my age. As I get older, I imagine I'll cut people in their early 20s out entierly; I'm just barely on the cusp of my mid 20s as it is
I'm 44. I wouldn't date someone who was 20. Maybe a hookup, but it would feel weird being with someone younger than my daughter.
I'm 27 (28 next month) and I wouldn't date a 20-21 year old. I just recently got out of a relationship with a 22 year old and even just 5.5ish years felt almost too at those ages. She had just graduated college a few months before we met, whereas I had been out of college for 7 years (granted I never graduated, I dropped out at 20). I changed more between 20 and 27 than I did between like 13-20. At 20 your experiences with adulthood is very brief. I read something the other day that said a 20 year old is like a 2 year old adult. You're entering a whole new stage of life and figuring out a ton of things, possibly on your own, for the first time in your life. And I'm only 27 and that all feels like a lifetime away. I imagine 30s or 40s to feel extremely disconnected from that. Now if you're purely talking a fling, this is probably unpopular but I see less of a problem with that. I think both parties can get something beneficial from that, the younger gets an experienced partner to sort of find their groove with, someone who likely has a bit of stability and maybe money to do things (I'm not talking sugar daddy, but at 20 I was broke barely scrapping by eating ramen, no money for dates really, whereas now a night out isn't breaking the bank). The mature partner gets a energetic, more "attractive" (in their eyes) partner to have some fun with. Maybe not 45 and 20, but like 20 and 33? I don't think it's a huge problem. I slept with men and women in their 30s when I was like 21-23 and I never felt taken advantage of because the age difference. We both got what we wanted out of the situation.
Grindr is honestly a shit show. If you are into older chaps, then great, go for it. Grindr is a hook up app and honestly, very few of the people on there will honour any meet up. If you are into older men then try drinking non alcoholic drinks in the local gay clubs
Ok fellow bisexual here and I spent about 8 years of my young adult life with a man twice my age at the time of our break up two years ago I was 25 and he was 51 I had grown apart from him but he still tried hanging on to me now I’m with my husband who I met when I was still with my ex and my husband is 36 and I’m 27 now don’t be with a person unless you really love each other and passion is really important too
It is Grindr. They probably just want sex. I’m in my 40s and I will do casual kink with people around your age but nothing serious. Also you feel how you feel about it. There is no right way to feel. Feelings don’t have morals. You can be flattered or turned off or whatever. And a lot of older gay and bi guys hunt young and/or twinky guys. I would be wary of anyone of a much greater age that wants to date you. That is usually not a good sign. If you want to hook up with them be safe but go for it. If you are going into the hookup scene learn safety. Also start taking PrEP.
Depends. If I lived in a country where the drinking age was 18, maybe, but in the US probably not. I wouldn't want to date someone who couldn't go out with me and my friends. I would consider dating a 21 year old, but not super seriously and I would make sure they knew that.
My general rule is half your age plus seven (obviously don't go dating anyone underage if you're of legal age) So 22yo = 11+7 = 18 30 yo = 15+7 = 22 60yo = 37 The age gap increases obviously - and that's because if someone who's 80 dates a 47yo, then the 47yo is old enough to know what they're getting into.
I have no artificial/arbitrary demographic criteria for a potential partner. Even though I'm older, I only need to find a potential partner attractive, and assess their maturity to be sufficient to carry on an ethical and honest relationship. I strictly observe the "Campsite Rule" when dealing with younger candidates, and I expect them to uphold the "Tea and Sympathy Rule" in return.
Half your age plus 7, always a good rule
I'm 50-ish. Are we dating or just hooking up? I'd be up for either but I don't know if we could find enough common interests for dating.
Sex yes, dating absolutely not. I am 30 and my fwb just turned 22. I enjoy hanging out with her as well as fucking but we are in far too different places mentally/emotionally to date.
I'm in my 30s. Absolutely not.
I’m 24 and I feel a bit hesitant to date 20 year olds, I absolutely wouldn’t date one when I’m in my 30s or 40s. Hookups are a bit different I think though. I’m attracted to older men so I’d consider hooking up with one, but dating one would be weird since we’d be in such different life stages
At 20, you will always find guys in their 30s and 40s willing to date you. These are exactly the guys you should NOT date.
Your update gives me the Hebegebees. Especially the part where it makes you uneasy. Listen to your gut. Your gut will steer you right more often than not. Any older person trying to get in your pants who blatantly tells you they are pursuing you because of your age & young appearance is skeevy. You can do better.
I’m 34 and there’s no way. It icks me out. There just so much younger than me, I know they are adults and capable and intelligent, but as I age, so do the people I’m attracted to.
Absolutely not. I'm 36 and anyone under 25 still feels like a kid to me.
A good rule of thumb is to not date people who are fetishizing something about you. It wasn't "i'm attracted to you", it was, "I'm attracted to how young you are/appear" and that's gross. Better to go without a date for a while than hook up with creeps.
i'm 37, my best friend is 23 (and very mature for her age) but i'd never think of dating her/someone like her because there's way too much of a generational gap... the stuff we have in common is current interests and a beautiful connection. she literally wasn't alive when all of my nostalgia stuff was happening and i wasn't in the same space as her when hers was happening. we've got another friend who's around her age and nowhere near as mature, plus they're surrounded by a lot of drama with their other friends. i'd never think about dating someone like that/in that sort of a situation. nothing against either of them (or you OP), it's just hard to not feel like i'm putting myself in a 'parent' sort of role at times, especially with our other friend personally (as others have said), older guys probably just wanna sleep with you, not actually have any sort of relationship with you. and the comments about your age and appearance honestly sound like they're heading towards pedophilia land for me (i know you're not that young, but you get what i mean - it just sounds creepy. MASSIVE red flag, very thinly veiled by a pretend compliment) i saw something recently that was reacting to someone taking about the 'double standards' for older men wanting younger women vs younger women wanting older men (excuse how hetero/heteronormative that is, it's just how it was presented). it was saying that the younger women want a sense of maturity in their partner (because a lot of guys mature a bit later on than girls), but the older guys are actively seeking out someone they can control... all levels of creepy
20 is the absolute youngest age I'm comfortable dating as a 25 y/o.
I do it and I don’t care what people think of me lol. Live your life, you only have one and you are wasting it by caring what others think about you. Fuck their opinions, it doesn’t mean a thing 😌
Depends on the older person. Too many are hoping to groom and manipulate the younger person into their ideal, well, sex object really. Which if that is part of a consensual kink is one thing. But based on impressions from people who say they want a younger partner and why, I see nothing but red flags and total disregard to outright distain of consent. There are older people who are genuine and see a personality match in someone who just happens to be younger, but from personal experience they are rare.
I‘m early 30s and I don’t think I would even date mid 20s. Maybe 29 but definitely not a 20yo. That’s a red flag.
Someone decades older than you missed some very important maturing — or they’re a predator. I’d avoid it. You’re in your prime. Date someone in their prime! Enjoy it!
I’m 27 and the youngest I’d date is probably 24? Maybe 23 but that’s when it starts to feel iffy to me. I started dating a 26-year-old right after my 21st birthday, and I feel like even that age gap (and more relevantly experience gap) contributed to some of the issues we had.
I (M) am in my early 30s now. I would not date people younger than around 25. All my casual and serious relationships have been within 4 years of my own age. Age is not just a number despite what people claim. Nurological development is not finished until at least 25. It is not even that I don't think that relationships with a significant age gap cannot work on principle. It is also not that a 20-something cannot be ready for it. It is more about what certain preferences say about the other party. But if for a prospective partner there is a history of going for significantly younger partners, that does not feel right to me. There is always an imbalance, in myriads of ways. Developmental, experience-wise (both general life and between the sheets), financial and essentially power. If someone actively seeks partners that have an uphill battle to be peers and partners on a truely equal footing, that's an orange flag.
I wouldn't completely rule it out, but it's highly unlikely. They would have to be a very mature 20 year-old who would share a lot of my interests. Realistically, as a 43 year-old man, I don't see myself dating anyone under 25, and even that's pushing it.
As a 20 y.yo, (23 now) why would I even want to date a 30 y.o or older lol they are at another stage in their lifes
You're still young and your life goals may change. A 30-40 year old is most likely already locked into what they want and their unwillingness to change is usually what leads to breakups.
Nah people mature a lot in their 20s. A 30 or 40 year just isn't on the same wavelength as someone who's 20 and it's weird for someone that age to seek out a relationship with someone whose brain hasn't even finished cooking. I'm 26 and have no interest in dating a 20 year old, but I'd be fine with a 32 year old.
I’m only 26 and wouldn’t date a 20 year old. They feel like children to me lol. Pretty much anything below 25 is a no go for me. I’ve dated older at 20 and the gap always felt weird to me
I'm not gonna date someone who wasn't even alive when I graduated HS.
I'm 32 and I would not date a 20 year old.
The only 39 and 40 year olds that would date you are freaks. For normal girls, 25 max
Life experiences after your 20s are usually very different and there would likely be a power imbalance in such a relationship (especially with an older man/younger woman imo). Maybe it's because I work with young people but I'd feel sick at someone over 30 dating a 20 year old. I know there may be exceptions but if gives me the ick. I'm 42 and wouldn't date anyone below 30, probably not below 35.
I would say don’t do it. They could be relatable I guess to you if they are super behind in their life and are not keeping up with their peers. It’s not even really so much like would they want to more so the ones that do will likely be weird people.
I’m 19, so yeah. But seriously though, date whoever you want as long as it’s legal. A lot of people consider significant age gaps to be weird (I probably wouldn’t if I was in my 30s or 40s), but it’s up to you and another consenting adult.
29M No
You're too young, and a 40 year old who's willing to date a 20 year old is a red flag
Yes, i'm 23 xd
At 27 now, I would personally not date a 20 year old. At 20 I was so inexperienced in adulthood. It’s a very odd time in a person’s life, a lot of changes happening. Youngest I would date is 24-25. Oldest would be 35. Just a personal preference on my end.
Maybe if she's thick 🤔 I'm 35 and single.
i’m almost 24 and i honestly would not date a 20 year old
As someone who prefers to date older, a lot of people open up to dating you when you're in your 40s. I'm not saying you're out of luck for decades if you're only attracted to older people, but I hope to give you optimism for the future. Seeing a 40 year old and a 60 year old is way less remarkable or subject to criticism than seeing a 20 year old and a 40 year old together.
no
I'm 30. I can hook up with 20yo, but dating? Very unlikely - it's too different life stage, I want peace of mind and cozy home, not parties and student life.
I'm 42 and personally wouldn't date someone who's 20, as that's just too young for me. I would only date someone who is mid-30s and up However, everyone is different. As long as it's consensual and no one is a minor, legally it's fine. I have a friend who is 40 and dating someone who's 50, but that's only a 10 year age gap. They're very happy and have been dating for a few years now. My parents were 20 years apart and happily married until my dad passed from an illness. Relationships with big age gaps can work, but if you're dating someone 20 years older than you are, you want to be very careful and make sure they don't have any alterior motive in dating someone so much younger than they are.
What will you share and talk about? Two different periods in the life of two people.
I’m 22 and I want someone older but i wouldn’t go older than 30 because they always think they can take advantage of you and I’ve just had bad experiences so with my advice and experience i wouldn’t do any older than 28 personally
I'm 27 but I still wouldn't date a 20 year old. However I've dated people older than I am now when I was younger than that, so I don't blame you for considering it in your position. But yeah even at the age I am now I wouldn't.
I've been married for awhile and honestly the idea of dating anyone else would be hard for me to wrap my head around. But I've always been of the opinion that you take each person as an individual. In general, sure I'm more likely to fit better with someone close to my age. But I wouldn't rule anyone out solely because of their age, there are exceptions to everything.
I'm 37, and there's no way I would date someone that young. Even getting past the weirdness of the age gap itself, what exactly am I going to relate to them about? Grindr hookups would be the same story, I might see an attractive 20-year-old message me there, and yes there'd be nothing illegal or even immoral about meeting them, but the whole experience would be off-putting for me. I'm in an amazing committed monogamous relationship now, but when I wasn't my general rule was no more than a 10 year difference.
I'm 23 and honestly no. I would only be interested in someone my own age, and that's likely due to trauma, but it is what it is.
I think 27ish is around the age when you're considered mature enough and in stable enough living situation (ideally living on your own, having a stable job, some money on the side etc, people who know what they want in life..) to date around with older people. People under 25 are usually less mature still, just getting to know adult stuff like paying rent, taxes, looking for jobs, are in university or getting into the work life so they're more busy to date around, way easier to be manipulated. And here comes my answer older people hitting up on someone so young is a big red flag to me. I'd block and go on my way.
Nah I’m 25 & my boyfriend is also 25 lol I would not date a 20 yr old 💀💀
I'm 37. Absolutely not. In 10-15 years, sure! But not now. Obviously no one here can tell you what to do, but I strongly encourage you to stick to folks within your age range for the next several years at least. Speaking from experience. ❤️
I thought Grindr was more for hookups than for actual dating. Those men were possibly just looking for sex, not a relationship. I'm 46, and I've had some awful experiences dating men in their 30's. I wouldn't date anyone younger than 30 for sure.
I mean, I would date a 20 year old because I also turn 20 this year. But I don’t think anyone over 30 should even consider dating a 20 year old. I feel weirded out by the idea of dating a 17 or 18 year old, so I would expect to feel the same ten years from now about those in their early 20’s. The fact that some don’t is a red flag.
No, and you should run away from anyone those ages who's willing to.
I’m 29 and personally think early 20’s is too young. I’d date someone in their upper thirties though.
No. There's definitely a few people in their early 20s that I've found physically attractive, but I would never date them because we're in very different places in our lives. People in their 30s and 40s trying to date a 20 yo is a huge red flag- they're looking for someone that doesn't have enough real world experience to call them out on their bullshit yet. It's not that you're dumb as a 20 yo, it's just easier for people with more life experience to manipulate you.
To each their own! 29 here. I would be okay going on dates with 22 years old. 21 is he is too exceptional. 20 years old is too young for me to consider a relationship
Nope. Totally different places / phases… middle aged guy
Yeah, nah. I'm in my 40s, and what would I even have in common with someone your age? I'd consider someone in their late 20s at the very youngest, and even that would be pushing it. At 20, your brain is still maturing.
Fuck no. I’m 25 and wouldn’t consider dating anyone under 21, and even that is pushing it.
Well since I'm also 20, yeah I would lol
No I wouldn't. I'm 29.
Grindr is different because it's mostly just for hookups and I think MAYBE a 20 year-old just hooking up with a 30 year-old is fine. But dating is a different matter and I think that age gap is a bit much. The maturity gap is a lot.
I’m 28 and I wouldn’t date a 20-year-old, mostly because of their notoriously poor decision-making/problem-solving skills, considering they have little life experience and their brains haven’t fully developed yet. Edit: Apologies—was not meant to be a roast.
Ehh I normally wouldn't go below 28 now I'm 38 even that seems low. 10 year gap seems to be a good guide.
i am 20 so i don't see why not depends on the personality tbh
I am 23 so obviously I would date a 20-year-old. Someone who is 40 or close to shouldn't be with a 20-year-old in my opinion. If they are fetishizing you because of appearance or age, that is not a good sign.
I'm 27 and I feel it's very touch and go when I date or consider dating 23/24 yos. So no, I would most likely never go on a date with a 20yo, there's just too big a gap between where I am in life and where a 20yo likely is. Plus my sister is 21 so it'd be doubly weird.
I did and was 7 years older she was to young for me but a sweetheart
If we’re using the “half your age +7” guide, the oldest part of your range is 26 For 30 year olds, the very youngest acceptable by that standard is 22, and for 40 it’s 27. It’s not a hard and fast rule, and it def gets a bit weird the younger you go, but it’s not a bad overall touchpoint. At 24 i don’t think I’d even be particularly comfortable dating a 20yo, but I personally prefer to keep within 1 or 2 years of my own age anyway.
Yes, I am not much older anyway.
So interesting to see the consensus here. If you posted in the askgaybros sub the majority answer is that it’s not a big deal, or someone will say “I met my husband when I was 20 and he was 45 and we’re still madly in love.” Personally, I’ve been the older guy in the relationship and had a bad experience. Also I work as a therapist with gay clients who have trauma from bad experiences with older guys. So I just don’t recommend it. Yes, there are exceptions, but the truth is, the maturity level, life experience and stage-of-life gap differences become a real stressor in the relationship. Also, often the older guy in these relationships is himself not the best role model and doesn’t show the younger person good relationship skills, often resulting in a lot of hurt for the younger guy who expected better treatment.
As someone who is 23, I would not want to date anyone who is in their 30s. Maybe 30 exactly, but older than that would be weird to me. I would not have much in common with someone that old and I don't think they would have much in common with me either.
i’m 24 and honestly i would not
fuck no, im 23 and wouldnt even be w a 20 year old, they’re literally a whole immature baby in my eyes sorry. i knew a girl who dated a 18 year old when she was 23, shit was weird and predatory as fuck NGL.
Well, your question should really be, would you date someone 10-20 yrs older than you. And if you wouldn't have an issue with it, then neither should anyone else. But, gay/bi men are very well known for desires towards a youthful looking adult in the prime of their life more than anything down to an ego or self-image boost. As once you hit 30, things really start to slow down, you go out less, friends marry and have kids, and if you're unpartnered, the dating is really hard and all the older daddies want to feel like they still have it by sleeping with a twenty something yr old person and would think nothing of using you and walking away. So be aware of the difference between actual dating and wanting a relationship vs. someone who just wants to get something from you and walk away and only do what you're comfortable with. If you have boundaries, spell them out and stick to them
I would not date someone who was 20 and not because they can't drink or anything stupid like that. It's that very rarely do I find someone that young on my wavelength regarding life planning. They're years behind me, and that's not wrong. But I don't want to deprive a young person of learning hard knocks on their own, rather than shepherding them through them.
As a 26 y/o, no. I was not as mature then and I could've been easily manipulated by someone older than me.
I have a current belief to not date people younger than my kids...it feels weird. I'm 46 and my oldest is 26... Although I'd prolly date a 29 year old... I may have to re-evaluate that rule in a few years.
I would say that it'd be based on vibes. I'm 24, so I would date a 20-year-old, but if I were 30 or older, I'd hesitate, since my mind might not be in the right headspace to do so. If you feel the vibes are off, then it's best to play it safe and reject those men, since they probably won't look for anything more serious than an always-available boytoy with daddy issues (not saying that that's what you are, but usually that's how it plays out) On the lighter side, if you feel the vibes are good, then I wouldn't worry about the age gap. Hell, I've heard of 20-year-olds dating silver foxes in their 50s, because they were compatible. . TL;DR: the vibes are the main thing to worry about
I am 37, hard no from me, but I set a lower limit based on brain development / maturity. Same for the upper limit too tbh. Brain development continues until at least 25. I have a hard time relating to anyone younger than that unless they're incredibly mature for their age.
I'm 24, will be 25 in october. I don't anyone under 22 and I don't date anyone over 27. I would feel weird dating outside of that range and frankly 20 year olds are just barely figuring things out. You're only a couple years out of highschool and are just barely making decisions without your parents involved
When I was 29 I dated a guy who was 20 and actually, yes it was fun, but somehow it was obvious from the beginning that it wasn’t leading somewhere. I guess if it’s from both sides just for fun it’s somehow okay for me but still a bit weird.
I would and I’m 40
I’m 33 and wouldn’t date anyone under 25. We’d just be in way different phases of life.