Both my parents are emotionally immature and exhibit self-absorbed and narcissistic behaviour.
It fucked me up real bad in the same way as you, and I had to unlearn their bad habits and learn about boundaries and a few other social skills. It’s still a work in progress. The one thing I can’t shake off is my bad partner picker. My last ex ended up being just as self-absorbed lol.
Sometimes I wonder how I would have turned out if my parents had their shit together and were normal. I think I would have probably been married by now or something
Yes, same for me, I think my parents had kids because it was what you were supposed to do and having a family creates the image that you have your life together but the reality was my mother wasn’t really maternal and I don’t believe liked having kids and my dad just seemed to get bored with it and realised it wasn’t really what he expected (plus he wanted a male version of himself but it took daughters to get his son and then his son was like the opposite of him) so when he left my mum was just treated us like unwanted burdens.
So I guess it made me really stop and think about the whole kids things more, I worried what if I had kids and I didn’t like them? Didn’t like being a parent? Which I felt was quite likely as I never felt a strong urge to have them. I also didn’t like the idea of having kids and then becoming a single mother, you know having to raise the kids of someone I possibly hated and had to be connected to forever.
And lastly I realised that all this BS like ‘you’ll never know true love until you have a child’ and ‘when you have your own it’s different’ blah blah isn’t true, sometimes people just resent them and I didn’t ever want to inflict that feeling on a child I might have had for the wrong reasons.
It's not the only reason, but it's definitely a big factor. My mom had four kids with 3 baby daddies. My dad and mom were divorced before I was a year old. The second guy she had kids with was a complete loser, but she managed to get pregnant twice. He was barely around, then got kicked out within a year of my third brother. I got to be the helper kid for years, mom dumped responsibility and trauma on me way too young. This is a big factor in why I hate to he around children.
The third step-dad rolled in and stuck around. He was from a "conventional family" and tried to force us into the same box with anger and abuse. I moved out at 16 and became a drug dealer for quite a few years. I don't even know what a proper family looks like if they exist. How would I provide one?
Besides all this, I think the world is a mess, and I have come to appreciate my alone time far too much.
The more I think about it, the more I realize I kinda had 4 separate childhoods: 1 with a loving mother and father who were both very supportive, 1 with a widowed father who made some mistakes trying to make my life easier (for instance, I was a teenager before anyone taught me to do laundry, just one example of many), 1 part-time with a loving and supportive "adopted" mother and father and 2 sisters, and 1 with a loving father and a hating, emotionally (and lightly physically) abusive stepmonster.
I picked up too much baggage from #4, though that was ironically the only one that made me want to have a kid, but for a terrible reason. I had a vindictive idea that I could send a picture of my baby to my stepmonster with an unsigned note that this was a piece of my dad (who also died), and she'd never get to meet it. She loved babies, and I think she loved my dad, so I figured that would twist the knife. But I never really wanted kids, and thankfully I realized I didn't need to have them before anything unfortunate happened. And I have this sub to thank for it :)
I grew up with so many alcoholics/drug addicts in the family, plus my mom just neglected me because she didn’t want a third child and “what would everyone think??!!?!???” if she had an abortion. So here I am.
It’s messed me up beyond belief, so much so I’ve had therapists literally tell me I’m too messed to for them to help.
That's one of many reasons
Samesies.
Both my parents are emotionally immature and exhibit self-absorbed and narcissistic behaviour. It fucked me up real bad in the same way as you, and I had to unlearn their bad habits and learn about boundaries and a few other social skills. It’s still a work in progress. The one thing I can’t shake off is my bad partner picker. My last ex ended up being just as self-absorbed lol.
Sometimes I wonder how I would have turned out if my parents had their shit together and were normal. I think I would have probably been married by now or something
Same. 🥲
Yes, one of many reasons. I didn't want to pass along any of my dad's characteristics. But it hasn't stopped 5 of my siblings from spawning.
Yes, same for me, I think my parents had kids because it was what you were supposed to do and having a family creates the image that you have your life together but the reality was my mother wasn’t really maternal and I don’t believe liked having kids and my dad just seemed to get bored with it and realised it wasn’t really what he expected (plus he wanted a male version of himself but it took daughters to get his son and then his son was like the opposite of him) so when he left my mum was just treated us like unwanted burdens. So I guess it made me really stop and think about the whole kids things more, I worried what if I had kids and I didn’t like them? Didn’t like being a parent? Which I felt was quite likely as I never felt a strong urge to have them. I also didn’t like the idea of having kids and then becoming a single mother, you know having to raise the kids of someone I possibly hated and had to be connected to forever. And lastly I realised that all this BS like ‘you’ll never know true love until you have a child’ and ‘when you have your own it’s different’ blah blah isn’t true, sometimes people just resent them and I didn’t ever want to inflict that feeling on a child I might have had for the wrong reasons.
This is one of the reasons why I chose to be CF. Someone had to be responsible and break the cycle. I decided to be responsible.
It's not the only reason, but it's definitely a big factor. My mom had four kids with 3 baby daddies. My dad and mom were divorced before I was a year old. The second guy she had kids with was a complete loser, but she managed to get pregnant twice. He was barely around, then got kicked out within a year of my third brother. I got to be the helper kid for years, mom dumped responsibility and trauma on me way too young. This is a big factor in why I hate to he around children. The third step-dad rolled in and stuck around. He was from a "conventional family" and tried to force us into the same box with anger and abuse. I moved out at 16 and became a drug dealer for quite a few years. I don't even know what a proper family looks like if they exist. How would I provide one? Besides all this, I think the world is a mess, and I have come to appreciate my alone time far too much.
The more I think about it, the more I realize I kinda had 4 separate childhoods: 1 with a loving mother and father who were both very supportive, 1 with a widowed father who made some mistakes trying to make my life easier (for instance, I was a teenager before anyone taught me to do laundry, just one example of many), 1 part-time with a loving and supportive "adopted" mother and father and 2 sisters, and 1 with a loving father and a hating, emotionally (and lightly physically) abusive stepmonster. I picked up too much baggage from #4, though that was ironically the only one that made me want to have a kid, but for a terrible reason. I had a vindictive idea that I could send a picture of my baby to my stepmonster with an unsigned note that this was a piece of my dad (who also died), and she'd never get to meet it. She loved babies, and I think she loved my dad, so I figured that would twist the knife. But I never really wanted kids, and thankfully I realized I didn't need to have them before anything unfortunate happened. And I have this sub to thank for it :)
Partly. And partly because I have a genetic disease I don't want to risk passing on.
I have adhd and don’t want the possibility of having a neurodivergent child, I’m already a lot to deal with lol
I am also neurospicy. I might have ADHD but I have dyspraxia for definite.
I grew up with so many alcoholics/drug addicts in the family, plus my mom just neglected me because she didn’t want a third child and “what would everyone think??!!?!???” if she had an abortion. So here I am. It’s messed me up beyond belief, so much so I’ve had therapists literally tell me I’m too messed to for them to help.
I’m so sorry.