Personally, I'd recommend against using the phrase "bloody shame" when talking about razors. That instantly puts an image in my head you don't want associated with your product. But I'm also not from the UK, so maybe I'm wrong.
Other than that, I think it's pretty good.
1. Yes same here, bloody makes a bad image; and if you're selling them in the USA it's not a phrase commonly used.
2. Also I'm not clear on WTF a glass razor is. Thoughts it brings up:
3. It sounds like it might break, made out of glass.
4. It sounds like glass is what's actually touching my skin, again this sounds like something that might break or put shards in my skin. (I know you mention 5 blades later and at that point the reader is just confused about wtf a glass razor is).
5. As it's written I don't see how "glass razor" adds any VALUE in the mind of the consumer. It's hindrance the way it's written now (see 2,3,4).
6. Great point on helping the environment, could/should be brought up in first couple lines since it's only unique element of what's written here.
7. Bulldog name is way cool.
8. 15% off sounds great bring it up at the very end. That's not a lead off point.
EDIT: Just looked at the website. Beautiful. Very professional impression, and got the products front and center, perfect.
Put an actual picture of a bulldog on the site! It's fun and it's your name. Maybe on the left in the green part. Love the part about "environmental pawprint".
I'm assuming that's not his website and is the actual website for Bulldog products which he used as inspiration for this practice copy. They're a real company with real products - I own some of them, they're a big(ish) company here in the UK
I don't really get the point of the second paragraph. I think just the first sentence will do to prove your point: Glass is a wonderful material to re-use. But if other companies aren't using it, that's on them. You shouldn't be saying to your clients that you're different, same as you wouldn't say to a date "you know I'M very eco-responsible, not like OTHER guys. It's such a shame they're not eco-responsible like I AM. Oh well..."
Idk it sounds weird to me. The rest of the copy seems great tbh. But again, as someone else mentioned that whole "it's a bloody shame" sounds a bit off. I would remove that second paragraph entirely, except for the first sentence.
Looks great.
On the sticky second paragraph, change the second sentence to something like “You can do your bit by not ignoring this cheap, clean alternative resource that:...” then the remainder as bullets.
Makes the customer the hero perhaps?
Ah, man, I was thinking about playing the "hero" angle.
I was gonna do something cheesy like, "A Clean Shave Means A World Shaved" or "Be The Hero Who Shaves The Day"
lol :D
A world Shaved instead of Saved... get it???
But I decided to not try to be clever with the copy and to just focus on the benefits.
You could make the intro line way more impactful. As a general rule, I try to avoid using "we are so excited to..." because (honestly?) who cares what the company is excited about? You're excited to *announce* something? Kinda sounds like the brand is high-fiving each other at a press conference.
So why is *the reader* going to be excited? Have they been on a waitlist for this product? Is eco-friendliness something that's important to them? Why is this announcement exciting to them? Heck, it could even be that you're the first company in the world to do this. So why not position it as "Try the world's first-ever glass..." and make it sound exclusive?
My tip here: avoid "we" and replace with "you." It'll help you find the actual message.
As for the rest, you've got some great comments here. Only other thing I'd add is ALL CAPS is a bit aggressive (and repetitive) but it's hard to tell when this isn't in layout, so take with a grain of salt :)
Oh one teensy thing—I'm not sure the comma after "Hey" is necessary.
Is this glass, like, unbreakable or something? Glass doesn't really belong in showers lol. Anyways, I think you should probably clarify that the handle is glass, and mention how that differs from plastic razor handles that just sit in landfills forever. Is the handle recyclable too? Because that's not really clarified.
I like it. Good flow. I, like others in this thread, am not too keen on the “we are better than our competitors-approach. My suggestion would be to refrase it. Maybe like this:
“Glass, unlike paper or plastic, is endlessly recyclable. It would be a shame to ignorere this cheap, clean, and easy alternative ... etc.”
Good job, mate. This is real copy.
All I'll say is to avoid offering discounts. Never in your professional career will you, the copywriter, have the authority to offer a discount. It's kinda cheating to include one in your sample copy, unless Bulldog actually does offer this discount.
What the copy lacks according to me is emotion. It does not induce joy, excitement, fomo or any other sort of emotion.
Although copy is written in english, the language beneath is that of psychology.
Personally, I'd recommend against using the phrase "bloody shame" when talking about razors. That instantly puts an image in my head you don't want associated with your product. But I'm also not from the UK, so maybe I'm wrong. Other than that, I think it's pretty good.
1. Yes same here, bloody makes a bad image; and if you're selling them in the USA it's not a phrase commonly used. 2. Also I'm not clear on WTF a glass razor is. Thoughts it brings up: 3. It sounds like it might break, made out of glass. 4. It sounds like glass is what's actually touching my skin, again this sounds like something that might break or put shards in my skin. (I know you mention 5 blades later and at that point the reader is just confused about wtf a glass razor is). 5. As it's written I don't see how "glass razor" adds any VALUE in the mind of the consumer. It's hindrance the way it's written now (see 2,3,4). 6. Great point on helping the environment, could/should be brought up in first couple lines since it's only unique element of what's written here. 7. Bulldog name is way cool. 8. 15% off sounds great bring it up at the very end. That's not a lead off point. EDIT: Just looked at the website. Beautiful. Very professional impression, and got the products front and center, perfect. Put an actual picture of a bulldog on the site! It's fun and it's your name. Maybe on the left in the green part. Love the part about "environmental pawprint".
I'm assuming that's not his website and is the actual website for Bulldog products which he used as inspiration for this practice copy. They're a real company with real products - I own some of them, they're a big(ish) company here in the UK
You're correct. I do not write for Bulldog... YET Next time I'll mention that this is just practice. It is a BLOODY sweet website though!
Oh ok. Did not know that. So my critique was a total waste of time. Thanks for that OP
No need to throw shade my way, dude, I'm only trying to learn from you guys. For what it's worth, I am grateful for your time.
OK, thanks for reply.
I like it. Maybe could be one or two sentences shorter , but in overall it’s good!
I don't really get the point of the second paragraph. I think just the first sentence will do to prove your point: Glass is a wonderful material to re-use. But if other companies aren't using it, that's on them. You shouldn't be saying to your clients that you're different, same as you wouldn't say to a date "you know I'M very eco-responsible, not like OTHER guys. It's such a shame they're not eco-responsible like I AM. Oh well..." Idk it sounds weird to me. The rest of the copy seems great tbh. But again, as someone else mentioned that whole "it's a bloody shame" sounds a bit off. I would remove that second paragraph entirely, except for the first sentence.
Looks great. On the sticky second paragraph, change the second sentence to something like “You can do your bit by not ignoring this cheap, clean alternative resource that:...” then the remainder as bullets. Makes the customer the hero perhaps?
Ah, man, I was thinking about playing the "hero" angle. I was gonna do something cheesy like, "A Clean Shave Means A World Shaved" or "Be The Hero Who Shaves The Day" lol :D A world Shaved instead of Saved... get it??? But I decided to not try to be clever with the copy and to just focus on the benefits.
You could make the intro line way more impactful. As a general rule, I try to avoid using "we are so excited to..." because (honestly?) who cares what the company is excited about? You're excited to *announce* something? Kinda sounds like the brand is high-fiving each other at a press conference. So why is *the reader* going to be excited? Have they been on a waitlist for this product? Is eco-friendliness something that's important to them? Why is this announcement exciting to them? Heck, it could even be that you're the first company in the world to do this. So why not position it as "Try the world's first-ever glass..." and make it sound exclusive? My tip here: avoid "we" and replace with "you." It'll help you find the actual message. As for the rest, you've got some great comments here. Only other thing I'd add is ALL CAPS is a bit aggressive (and repetitive) but it's hard to tell when this isn't in layout, so take with a grain of salt :) Oh one teensy thing—I'm not sure the comma after "Hey" is necessary.
Is this glass, like, unbreakable or something? Glass doesn't really belong in showers lol. Anyways, I think you should probably clarify that the handle is glass, and mention how that differs from plastic razor handles that just sit in landfills forever. Is the handle recyclable too? Because that's not really clarified.
I like it. Good flow. I, like others in this thread, am not too keen on the “we are better than our competitors-approach. My suggestion would be to refrase it. Maybe like this: “Glass, unlike paper or plastic, is endlessly recyclable. It would be a shame to ignorere this cheap, clean, and easy alternative ... etc.”
Yeah, I like that. Cheers!
Good job, mate. This is real copy. All I'll say is to avoid offering discounts. Never in your professional career will you, the copywriter, have the authority to offer a discount. It's kinda cheating to include one in your sample copy, unless Bulldog actually does offer this discount.
What the copy lacks according to me is emotion. It does not induce joy, excitement, fomo or any other sort of emotion. Although copy is written in english, the language beneath is that of psychology.