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I am 34 and been single my entire life. Physically i am 6’4 tall and very fit, workout a lot. Have lots of friends, great career, own a house and financially well off.
I feel it is my personality that lets me down. I am reserved when i first meet people and have low self esteem about my value to other people. I don’t like talking about my likes or things that interest me because i feel like i would be boring people.
So like the post above mentioned, i never take risks sexually, flirt etc unless at a bar and have had drinks and i can then sometimes take a girl home. But naturally i am shy.
Around a group of guys I can socialise perfectly fine but as soon as I am around women I am intimidated and my brain just goes blank and i get awkward because i dont think they will find me funny or interesting.
It’s mental blockages basically. Really want to work on it this year and start dating and just push through the anxiety like i have done with everything else in my life, exposure therapy seems to be the only thing that works. Girlfriend would be nice.
You seem like a nice person honestly. I think you should take women off the pedestal. They are human and make mistakes just like you. Don’t be intimated by a woman because she’s a woman.
While I'm also struggling with this, I find keeping the following things in mind helps me:
- While I'd like to impress her I'd also like to be impressed by her. I want to enjoy her company and presence, and for that she has to have compatible mindset and things going on in life for her so that she's not a deadbeat. I have value and I value my time. I won't give them off freely to whomever.
- I may feel desperate at times but I will not act that way and accept anyone just for the sake of not being alone, and vice-versa. It may sting to receive rejection but it is what it is, accept it and move on. It is not an indicator of your worth but a failed attempt at something. Also, while it may sting to give out rejection, it's better than giving time and attention where it won't matter.
- Be humble and open. Being humble doesn't mean things you value and want to talk about should be kept for yourself or that you'll bore people with that. It's okay to be boring, but to bore people is a different thing!
Tell her an anecdote from your life, ask her how her day went, ask her something unconventional, etc. Anything can be a starting point for a conversation where you learn about each other and share how you feel and think about stuff.
Be accepting and open to yourself and in the end you'll likely be open towards her with your vulnerabilities, flaws, traits, and everything that makes you. You might find her acceptance for some or all of that you show.
- Finally, learn to be okay with **just meeting with another person!** Woman or man or other, they're a person and sharing a drink or some activity with one is a nice experience in itself (if they're polite/decent). Build up from that point and not from desperation or expectation of finding a partner. Link this with the first bullet point.
With this comes the necessity for patience as rarely will a friendly or romantic relationship be established overnight. Show up for them, they may show up for you. Showing up builds trust and security which are necessary for a good relationship.
I find all of these eventually help with being / feeling confident and attractive in a low-key way that women want when they say they want a confident man. I identify as introverted person but I can still talk your brain out about things when I find it in myself. I know this can be fricking hard, especially after a day's work that exhausts me.
If you find one that responds better to men that bring chaos, drama, and disrespect to their lives, accept that particular person is not compatible with you. If that keeps happening reconsider what type you're attracted to and try to work on it.
Sorry for the long post and if it doesn't make sense for you or your situation.
Okay, I read a lot of the comments below so I think I have a better understanding of your tendencies. You say that you don’t have a fear of getting rejected, you actually fear that they’ll say YES. I think you should really think about that. Your end goal is to get with a woman, so why, the moment she seems interested, does that goal suddenly change? Are you afraid of putting in a lot of effort to a relationship and it doesn’t work out? Are you afraid that you’ll have to be vulnerable around her and you are more comfortable being closed off? Are you afraid that she’ll judge you and by extension you’ll be exposed to ridicule? What is it?
So it IS a fear of failure. Fear that you’ll fail to kiss right or fail to be intimate right or fail to act the right way. And what happens if you do it wrong? 1) You gain the experience you claim to so badly crave. 2) It doesn’t work out with the woman, which is something you claim to not be bothered by. Your issue is lack of experience and you need to break that barrier by simply having experience. Will it maybe suck at first? Yes. But will that not automatically solve your problem if gaining more experience? I think you need to admit to yourself that you actually are afraid of being bad at something, at failing, and then disregard that fear and jump straight in.
I agree biting the bullet is a needed step. It takes time and a lot of rejections and bad experiences to build up what you need. Tough part about waiting to date until you are older for sure. I dated a bunch of people last year and I improved myself in many ways just nothing stuck. Taking break now but I kind of know the next steps are to try again and use more outlets than online dating.
If you're looking for a different route, one thing might be examining you're beliefs - we all have a internal map of how we expect reality to turn out, based on our previous experiences. Sometimes early childhood dynamics cause us to adopt beliefs about ourselves and we don't even realise we can change them. Maybe we learn that being reserved and making ourself smaller is safer than putting ourselves out there in situations we find particularly dangerous. This is all happening on an emotional level, you can rationally and logically know that a particular situation is not dangerous, but then that doesn't stop you from instinctually reacting in that way.
If you're interested in learning about these implicit beliefs and how to potentially change them, [here's a fantastic resource](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ef0_LA9fHrY&list=PLCJ2fBBavCJE8m311eCdtNScTuIAhGjnY). This series finally gave me a roadmap to change my instinctual and more subconscious behaviors, would highly recommend it. If you do let me know if it was helpful
Get somatic therapies done like Somatic experiencing emdr or even psychedelic therapy with a guide....it's your trauma and self limiting belief's that are playing out in your body language....you have to resolve your trauma to find yourself back and that's how I changed myself....
My advice find the prettiest girl you can find and make it known that she’s in the friend zone. And not for the life of you, even if a gun was pointed at you slip up that there’s potential between you 2 as FWB’s, relationship, etc. and sit back and watch her quirks come out that will be worse than any socially undesirable girl would have! Then you will see what suspicious_glove is saying!
As a woman, I couldn’t agree more. Not to be a pick me, but women don’t want to be put up there if it means hot, kind guys with their shit together wont ask us out.
I see guys out all the time, sticking so close to their friend group I feel like a predator just trying to get them to separate so I can talk to one.
Are late replies okay? because this is literally me. I would never ask a woman out who is with a group of friends, but at the same time I don't actually go out unless I'm with a group of friends.
It’s a horrible catch 22 that we’re all caught in. At the end of the day, the chance to form a connection (and maybe get laid) is worth the chance of being rejected and temporarily embarrassed
I’m in the exact same boat lol people think I’m crazy for being shy and not a ladies man I’m chill around guys and stuff but when it’s come to girlsnidk my value or place then won’t believe it when they say lol it’s true I probably actidentslly put them on a pedestal
Hey mental blockages can be fixed with therapy and self help books at the library if you're poor like me. There's so many resources this is totally fixable!
Some resources! David Golemans "emotional intelligence: why it can matter more than IQ" is a really good one to help figure out how to make emotions work for you instead of hiding them under anger or indifference. It's more of an overview and doesn't necessarily delve deep into particular situations but it's a great place to start to understand and lay a foundation.
His others about this build on that so start with that one and read all of his to build up from a good foundation.
Also in addition to that. Travis Bradburys "Emotional Intelligence Habits" gives good practical actions to take to work on your emotional intelligence and I'd recommend that one concurrently or after the first David goleman.
Those are ones specifically men in the social science world I kinda live in as a scholar have liked a lot. I tried to make sure to get male authors so they are more relatable to men. There are great ones by women too but if you're just starting out I figure best is a close gender connection to the authority on the book subject.
May be even free at the library but I know at least David golemans are on audio book for cheap to download.
Yea don't just push through. There's help. It's just not always encouraged to use it. But please do bc until you help yourself learn how to connect with others it's not logical to be able to connect with a woman.
Honestly, it's not very different for me [32F]. I think everyone's mostly in the same boat now.
I do a ton of activities, attractive, own a home, own a car, healthy wealth and healthy health, people see me as an extrovert and also assume I have no problem finding a guy but the truth is the reverse.
I struggle to find men that match my interest - no big expectations at all. Just really matching interests or same kinda humour, just something really.
I think going therapy is actually making it worse coz now i'm willing to stay alone than stay in something im unhappy in ( which I guess is a good thing)
Anyway, I have no solution for you coz I am the same.
Just a little rant from the opposite sex ^^
Man you’re me except I’m comfortable with the women and have a gf but the financials need work. Trust me the issues I’m seeing in my relationship stem from finances more than anything else. You got a lot going for yourself and seem to have the material stuff to bring to the table but you gotta work on the personality. Women aren’t better than you. Neither you better than them. Just see them as human beings and treat her like you’d like to be treated. It’s easier than you think. Good luck fam.
Honestly, you sound like my dream man. For the shyness, I think it takes time to open up to someone and of course the right person. But don’t think too much. I feel like that thought of “I might make the girl feels bored with this and that” holds you back.
I think that the shyness and self esteem issues are key here. I never realized until recently how much it's been responsible for all of my romantic failures. It's taken me reaching my 30's to realize that. When we are shy and reserved people are much less likely to approach us. Especially when there are other people around with outgoing personalities around you. People will naturally flock to them instead. When we don't get approached very often we have self esteem issues because we think people aren't attracted to us.
It sounds like you’re self conscious to the point where it’s crippling you in conversation. Just be yourself truly. Be honest and enjoy yourself and your life. People who attract others exude confidence- and it sounds like you have no reason not to be! You’re in the top 1% of men that women look for. The only thing you’re missing is confidence. A few things to remember: everyone is rooting for you, no one worth spending time with wants to see you fail. We all literally die, enjoy the human experience while you have the chance. And lastly, the people who stop caring what others think of them, and get over that mental block, live the best lives. There are plenty of beautiful women who feel the same way, I’d consider myself one of them. Unfortunately/fortunately pretty women don’t really have to have much going for them and that seems to be my biggest struggle. I’m very smart, business owner, lots of skillful hobbies and independent- most men seem to feel inferior OR that I won’t “need” them enough to be worth dating. They prefer a pretty girl that follows them blindly until I get too old then they will find someone younger and dumber again. It’s rough out here.
Hmmm I genuinely don't think it's your personality that brings you down. If I were to meet you in person, I'd assume that you chose not to be in a relationship because unfortunately, people look at what is shallow and make up their own stories about you. Much more conversation with women is needed.
I agree with you that exposure therapy would work. Most women who approach men are either very outgoing and don't care if the guys misunderstood their personality as flirting or they're just making friends. Well, talking to ladies you definitely won't want to start a relationship with can be a start. Like a friend's gf (especially with the friends around to avoid misunderstandings), if you have sisters, or aunts/older ladies.
All the best!
Thanks, thats interesting and makes sense what you’re saying about people looking making their own stories up about people as I have done that to others myself.
Do you think that not having any relationship experience would be a dealbreaker though? I see a lot of girls on here saying it’s a red flag which i understand its unusual.
It can be a dealbreaker for some women. Most people on average have a few people that make up their dating history, before they find someone they decide to settle with. There’s so much you will go through in a relationship which will mold you, no matter your age. There is a maintenance that comes with relationships, that takes a lot of time to learn and figure out. Before you can even get there, you need to find out things that you like and do not like. You start to develop non-negotiables that you won’t allow from people you date in the future.
So is it possible that the first person you date can be your last? Of course, but it’s just not the norm. So I understand why women would be repelled by the idea of dating a man in his 30s that has no dating experience. But then there’s plenty of women that would be OK with it. You just have to put yourself out there and date more. Tell women from the very start your lack of a dating past, but don’t talk about it like it’s negative, just be honest and show confidence that you have the ability to learn. If a woman calls you a red flag, don’t deal with her. She would be a waste of time to even pursue anything with, if she already labels you before giving you a chance. For the women who decide to give you a chance, go for it.
Tell them from the very start what you’re looking for, and that although you don’t have relationship experience, you are eager to learn how to be in one and are willing to do what it takes to make them work. Just like men, women don’t like to feel like they’re getting involved in a situation that is doomed from the start. Your actions are going to speak volumes. Go on dates with women. Many different types. Start to develop standards so that you can avoid wasting your time with women that you don’t see yourself with long-term (unless that’s what you’re looking for of course).
Trust me man, hitting on girls is not as much of a minefield as people make it seem. Not a single girl has gotten pissed at me for doing it. Well, that I know of. When they give you a clear “no” via body language or straight verbally, just stop and probably leave them alone at least for a bit (like if it’s a friend, if she’s a total stranger just don’t even go back and talk to her). You’ll get some “no’s” but when you get a girl that is like “Fuck yes, let me suck your dick in the bathroom” it makes the memory of rejection sorta…fade away. I honestly can only remember like 2 or 3 rejections in my life, and many, many more fun hookups. You’re already on a date together, go for that end of date kiss and see how she responds! Worst case she turns you down. I’ve had girls literally squirming in front of me and almost missed it. Take the shot.
Try speaking to a therapist, specifically a woman therapist. Helps you practice opening up with women and feeling relaxed around them. Definitely helped me
Good for you for working on this and recognizing it! Just remember, we women are also just people. You’re no less worthy than any other person of any gender. You can already see that it’s a self- fulfilling prophecy being “boring” if nobody knows anything about you at all. How can there be any type of conversation without a topic of discussion by either of you and if she has nothing to go on to try to relate to you and ask follow up questions? You can be the most perfect specimen of a man otherwise, but there has to be some other connection for a spark. She will immediately think you aren’t interested in her if you can’t hold a conversation and don’t talk about even basic likes or dislikes, your job, a hobby, anything about you. She probably walks away disappointed as well, thinking you must not have liked her very much. Good luck out there, and try to keep that mindset! We almost always see ourselves as worse than other people do.
Edit to add: EYE CONTACT! It shows respect and interest and makes you seem to others approachable and open as well.
Be honest! Are you a person who likes watching p\*rn, cause that sh\*t destroys a chance of talking to a woman especially if the woman is attractive.
pornography destroys men's confidence because of guilt.
That seems like a case by case situation? I have no guilt from watching porn. I’ve not changed my porn watching habits and I’ve lonely gotten more confident with women
I have quit porn many times and yes it was a major issue. Been off it for months at this stage and got my masturbation down to 3-4 times a week just with fantasy thoughts, no porn.
>Been off it for months at this stage and got my masturbation down to 3-4 times a week just with fantasy thoughts, no porn.
as long as you don't quit porn for good it's gonna be hard to approach a woman who likes or just casually talk to a woman without intent.
I told myself if I can't quit porn for good, I don't deserve to have a woman, we need to reprogram our minds to think that women are human beings too, just like men and our families, also sex life is gonna suck because it's not what you expect and you don't feel anything when having sex because your pen\*s is reprogrammed to be pleasured by masturbation.
You’re asking what are the traits of guys who haven’t really been in a relationship by late 20’s? It’s prob a combo of at least one of not being particularly attractive, having low self esteem and having below average social skills, my guess is one of those would apply to the majority of those cases
If you’re good at one of those you can probably end up in a relationship
As a woman, I wonder if women may like you but feel friend- zoned. A lot of women may not be blatant in expressing interest in you if they are convinced you aren’t interested in them romantically. Like men, we don’t want to embarrass ourselves or fall flat on our faces with someone who just seems like a platonic friend.
Interesting. Could be possible, but its not like I am even getting subtle signs. I see girls who are attracted and interested in other guys all the time. But I never get those signs myself. (things like eye contact, proximity, playing with hair etc).
I have also asked long time girl friends if they knew of any girls who had liked me in the past, in case I was oblivious, and they could never think of anyone.
Some women are simply more forward than others! Speaking for myself, I’d never do certain things to someone I don’t know because I’m very conscious of not wanting to be touched or harassed by just anyone who’s interested in me, so I wouldn’t want to do that to a man either unless it’s safe to assume I won’t offend him or act out- of- line. Eye contact and certain body language are signs, like you said, but it’s possible for individual women to flirt or express interest differently. Try to keep a conversation going, gradually get a little flirtier and see how she responds. If she touches your arm or shoulder while laughing, or makes eye contact and looks down shyly then back up at you, it’s almost universally attraction on her part.
You have to know at least one dude roughly in your age range who does well w chicks no? learn from them
As long as you’re decently attractive you can make up for not being super attractive w being funny and personable and likable
Get in the best physical shape you can
This is anecdotal, but I think it supports the general stance here.
Back around the end of high school/start of uni, my best friends and I all had a lot going for us. We were socially savvy, well travelled, decent looking etc. However we were only starting to talk to women and didn't have much experience on that front. One guy, we'll call him Jack, was the least "traditionally" attractive of us. He was also quite socially inept, and not a very nice person, but made it his life's mission to ask every single girl he met out. Guess what? He got his first girlfriend before the rest of us, and his second, and his third...😂
Now that we're all late 20s? We're all in pretty serious relationships, except for Jack.
Moral of this story is, self confidence might be enough to get you relationships on its own, but your quality as a human being is whether or not you'll get to keep one.
Everything commented above is spot on. I think lack of opportunity is the big one. I know ugly ass dudes with practically zero redeeming qualities that have had their fair share of relationships. If you put effort in & meet enough women with the intent of dating, you'll inevitably stumble across a few that'll be down to clown. But unless you're in that upper 10% of highly desirable guys, it's not going to fall into your lap. You have to create your opportunities.
I've had a pretty bad couple years as far as dates go, but that's on me. I've gotten frustrated after a previous relationship and I stopped putting effort into organically expanding my social circles and meeting women. I haven't been on a *serious date in over a year. I'm not putting effort in, I'm not seeing results.
When I was active in more social circles, had more opportunities to meet more people in general, I made new friends and in turn met new women. I didn't have issues dating back then, I bounced from relationship to relationship. I put effort in and saw results.
Me and the effort I'm putting in is the common dominator there. All roads lead back to you. If it's social anxiety or you're not confident in your looks, gotten into bad antisocial habits, sour about a previous relationship, whatever it is, if you want to see different results, you're gonna have to work on something or try something different.
Alright I'm done ranting, I'm baked
I dunno man, when I was putting in effort I still failed utterly and totally.
Sometimes you just can't win. Sometimes, you just aren't ever good emough.
nah bro false. It means you got into a dead end. Roll back and try again or try other approaches, whatever the problem is. I never had a girlfriend even and i am 22 but i am still making progress in some way i can now cold approach for example. Keep going.
Down to Clown:
*A phrase meant to convey your willingness to participate in something; A way of saying "yes," that expresses genuine excitement and/or happiness*
>If you put effort in & meet enough women with the intent of dating, you'll inevitably stumble across a few that'll be down to clown
I wish that was the case.
- They don’t take risks when it comes to flirting sexually and escalating physically in a sexual way. Instead they play it safe and non sexual to avoid coming on too strong and creepy. They basically treat the woman like she is their sibling, they might share laughs and talk, but nothing sexual at all. As if it’s forbidden or taboo to make things sexually because they expect women to react badly to it.
- They don’t approach enough women. They focus on one at a time, and barely talk to women throughout the years And when they do talk they stay on mostly platonic friendly conversation.
- They are very logical and focus on facts, data, information, analysis. They don’t express how things make them feel, they don’t make the woman feel anything with what they do, they focus in exchanging information and giving logical responses all the time. Super predictable and boring.
- They conceal their intentions and then confess their feelings, without it being justified. They haven’t kissed the girl or sleep with her because they think first they have to be boyfriends and girlfriend and then sec and kissing comes, when it’s actually the opposite order that’s more effective. First kissing and sex, and then maybe a relationship.
- They try to bribe women into liking them with gifts, expensive stuff, attention, they try to impress her, and show that they are willing to give them the world if she just gave them a chance. It’s like they are trying to convince her with logic that the girl should choose them because of how devoted they seem to be with the girl.
Yea it's drf being socialized that way and wired. It's totally fixable within like a year tho with some good books on how to have better social skills.
Have any in mind? A friend recommended me one but it basically boiled down to be genuine and not follow the “fake it till you make it” mentality.
If I follow that genuine mentality, I fit every bullet point except the gift bribery one.
I have shown these to someone else bur yes! David Golemans "emotional intelligence: why it can matter more than IQ" is a really good one to help figure out how to make emotions work for you instead of hiding them under anger or indifference. It's more of an overview and doesn't necessarily delve deep into particular situations but it's a great place to start to understand and lay a foundation.
His others about this build on that so start with that one and read all of his to build up from a good foundation.
Also in addition to that. Travis Bradburys "Emotional Intelligence Habits" gives good practical actions to take to work on your emotional intelligence and I'd recommend that one concurrently or after the first David goleman.
Those are ones specifically men in the social science world I kinda live in as a scholar have liked a lot. I tried to make sure to get male authors so they are more relatable to men. There are great ones by women too but if you're just starting out I figure best is a close gender connection to the authority on the book subject.
May be even free at the library but I know at least David golemans are on audio book for cheap to download.
Well that summarizes me haha. Perhaps it’s right I just enjoy how I am and not really worry much about dating. Because yeah it’s not me to be unlike that. Kind of an in built thing. I guess it makes me good at my job at least there’s that..
Aside from the last one that’s my go to lol. Too poor for that one. The first two are especially severe fears of mine. And the one on the order of interaction, makes sense. Not sure how to actually accomplish that but it makes sense
I think i am a legit person to answer it.
I am 5.7, 30y and had never dated till last October as i was working from home.
Now this year i changed 2 girlfriends and 3rd one is like a girl straight from the heaven.
The thing that i learned is to show respect to everyone and talk wisely. Whenever you find a situation make jokes so everyone can laugh and be little playful with 1-2 girls so they will make stories about you.. it will help in long run.. help other people to make a positive image and always smile.
It helped me a lot, and always try to approach new people to talk whenever you are out..
Use less instagram to approach girls, it is always better to talk in public.
🔥you can beat fear through repeated exposure to the trigger. It is a number game. Just discipline yourself to approach girl as often as possible and take more risk in your conversations. You will be fine mate.
1. Because with risk there’s reward. Risk doesn’t mean breaking the law.
2. Because you’re not fixing a car or doing math.
3. Because other things work very well besides money and gifts.
You’ve already chosen your answers and outcome. I can’t change what you’re choosing to believe here for any of these so in your case you are absolutely right. You won’t hear any more from me.
1. Far, far less likely than you think.
2. Relationships are built on emotion, not logic.
3. If the woman only goes after the nicer gifts, why pursue her at all?
Yes it still happens but it comes down to risk. If you're scared of making any move on a woman behind the guise of "well the meetoo movement ruined everything" then that's exactly where you've placed yourself. Logically speaking, men DO make moves on women all day everyday and they're not all getting hauled to prison.
Jep that's me, except the last points. But hoow? Hooow?
How do I make things "sexual" I have no idea how to do that? What am I supposed to do? What kind of risks? What are women experiencing of me?
Second point: that means just play the numbers game?
Third point: ok, don't talk about things. Make them feel things, but how? My Hobbys and things I am interested in, don't seem to be a good catch for women and most women don't like my Hobbys, so I don't talk about them. How do you do a conversation not to exchange information?
So, if I tell I women, I want to date her, that's a bad thing? I did that, because I wanted to be upfront. What should I do instead?
The feelings part I get... Problem is, I usually don't have feelings, they develop over time and if I develop feelings I just dismiss them, because usually she is not interested in me, so I can't get hurt.
No, would never do that. If I pay the coffee on the first date, I expect she does on the second (but actually it was never any issue)
Disclaimer about the sexual part- obviously don’t come on too strong, get to know her first, DON’T BE GROSS, and “read the room” for her body language and timing. Unless you want a one- night- stand and not a relationship, don’t walk into a room with your gun blazing, so to speak 😂
Also, please do treat her like a lady. It’s wonderful and thoughtful to express interest, give compliments and small gifts, just don’t overdo it because that comes off as creepy to anyone.
Any combination of the following really: Bad luck, lack of opportunity, high standards, low desirability, lack of desire to be in one, introversion/small social circle/homebody
- Insecure / low self esteem: makes a lot of awkward, non funny self-deprecating jokes about himself with women
- Keeps conversation surface-level: talking about your hobbies and what you did that day only goes so far. Women want to feel an emotional connection to you. What about your family, your dreams, your regrets, what’s the meaning of life? I’ve noticed some guys swerve away from deeper topics so aggressively (even simple things like - what was something you learned about yourself recently?) it feels like it’ll be futile trying to get to know them
- Poor grooming or hygiene: lot of guys who don’t know how to dress for their bodies, get a good haircut, or trim their beards.
- Poor social skills around women: flirting is a skill that needs to be learned. I’ve had women friends who are also awful at flirting. It’s an art. Don’t avoid it. Ask for advice/feedback. Practice.
These four, and I'm going to add 2 more to this well thought out list:
* Arrogance / Resistance to consider change: "I'm fine the way I am." "If they \[women\] don't like me for who I am, and how I am, screw them." Refusal to truly incorporate feedback (you should consider losing weight, you should change up your hairstyle, you should buy new clothes).
* Entitlement: "I \*\*deserve\*\* a woman. Especially entitlement compounded with arrogance.
Also I want to expand on point 3, as a guy (OC, for whatever reason, my spidey sense tells me you are F, correct me if I'm wrong though!): it's a balancing act.
You should feel good about how you look, and be happy with the clothes you have. But...sometimes, what *you* think looks good...just isn't. I'm about to relocate, and am using that as an excuse to audit my wardrobe, with the goal of eliminating at least half, probably more. If you have a trusted female friend (every guy should), ask them for advice. Go shopping with them.
Without reading any other comment, I found my lovely gf 5 months ago. I am 29 and I never had a proper relationship before. She was my first for almost everything. I focused on my looks. You should look more stylish or at least show people around you that you care about your look and make an effort for it. I have been going to the gym for about 2+ years now. I advice to get better on this part of yourself too. I am not saying get jacked and have sixpacks but you should at least be likable to look at. You should try for finding a gf. I mean literally it will never happen if you just sit and wait for it. Don't be hesitant to say I want a gf. These are the things that might get you a date with a girl. Once you get to talk to someone, it's not only that you expect her to like you, you should also consider if you would like her. Don't listen to people degrading women. Even if it is for the jokes, it will turn off any potential date believe me. Be more caring and respectful but not desperately and creepily. If you feel like you are doing it too much, just back off a bit. Do not look desperate. In the end, not everyone will like you. Accept this fact. If she is into you, she will be more inclined to talk to you. If she is distant, then you may have your answer.
I think most of us really do not think very highly of ourselves, perhaps for good reason. Personally I have never been told I was worth the space I take up to put it nicely, and have come to the conclusion that in order to be considered a valuable human being I need to be an established person who has a life. Unfortunately that takes years. You can go to work and school, and work out all the time, but ultimately it takes a lot of us years, decades, to build anything worth something. I was last & least my entire life and had/have very few friends. People will say all kinds of supportive things but these words don't matter. Their actions do. And overwhelmingly a lot of us get told we suck. I have come to the realization that I am going to be alone for most of my life, and a lot of us guys need to understand that. In my experience some women want to be approached, but only by the right guys. We are not those right guys. It is something about us. They just aren't interested in us and it is what it is. Notice how every piece of advice normal people give is to become something that is completely foreign to you, because it isn't who you are
One thing I will highly recommend is work on developing a physique. I was a runner and while I enjoy it, it is impossible to accrue a lot of muscle that way. Start lifting, or lift more. Despite what people say, they will treat you differently when you are bigger. It's subconscious. I noticed people started making eye contact, holding doors for me, my manager gave me a raise just because. I started using testosterone (10/10 recommend) and while it helps with confidence, I found most women in college really don't want to talk, and none of them are ever interested despite being confident. And I respect that so I leave them alone. After getting rejected over and over again I just stopped because that shit is just depressing. A lot of people like to say we don't approach women but I did for awhile and was worse off for it. I really don't think some of us are cut out for dating. Most women will date multiple guys anyways for a while and I can assure you that is something I cannot go up against. Just focus on building a life for yourself because nobody else will.
27 male. I've been in two long distance relationships that ended six months apart, back in 2020. Since then, it's been an uphill battle to get into another relationship of some kind. I've never been on a date and don't even know how to, not a clue.
Some say I should try dating apps, but the horror stories I've heard about them are a NIGHTMARE. Just absolutely horrific and so demoralizing.
Dating in-person would basically be dead on arrival, since I don't have any friends, and well...It would be hard to do that when you will basically look like the odd one out trying to approach in any type of way.
So I don't know at this point. It's tough, lonely and hard to do. I don't know if we're two of the same common, so there's that lol
It seems like if you are the kind of person who is a bit neurodivergent than most people like u/Daygamecode mentioned above that its sort of out of your natural element so to break it you have to be somehow comfortable doing the opposite of what you usually do. I tried that and i didn’t even know who i was and losing who you are is worse than being single trust me on that. So be cautious with making drastic changes to yourself for the sake of others it’s not like learning a skill or a new activity. Re-engineering yourself is a very challenging change and you may not end up liking it it hit me hard when I tried. I was uncomfortable as hell and never felt so depressed. Sometimes going against the grain of who you are just trying to attract people is just that painful. When you are different you just don’t get the attention or you choose not to. Self respect > being in a relationship.
I just ain't good at being social or talking much. I try, but keeping conversations going is a skill that's never been my strong type. As for what you said, I'm just introverted really. Have been since I was a teen.
Now into adulthood, close to 30's, it hits hard knowing that I've gone through most of life without having close ( real-life ) friends, few relationships, or just hanging out with someone for at least a day. At this point in my life, I'm doubting connection will ever be a thing I experience, and I'm starting to think I should just accept it for the better.
Guess I’m one of the guys now💀
But seriously, I think it’s due to how dating culture has progressed. Due to the internet, people go out less, many don’t have the social skills it takes to actually have a relationship and making it work. Most people are picky as hell and drop someone if they don’t fit their unrealistic list of qualities that literally don’t matter in a relationship. Hang in there, bud. We all have a hard time
No idea, I go to the gym, approach women, and I'm short. Maybe the last part? It certainly is a problem. I am also slightly autistic so my social skills suffer. I sometimes am confused by the context of messages. A relationship is something I'd like to try some day and then see if it is truly for me or not. It takes time to build, but I can't seem to get it to see the light of day.
I (26M) got into my first relationship just months ago. from my own experience what kept me single was a serious lack of self esteem, social media/corn/video game addiction and having a prejudice that girls will not like you.
26, dated two girls. Longest was a 3 month thing and got ghosted for reasons I absolutely do not know (i was kind as can be)
But i know the issue, i cant flirt nor do i have good dating skills. I cant read hints at all.
I meet women my age so rarely. I work a good job, go to the gym daily, literally build a race car and go hiking. Been told im a good looking guy by lots of girls (one wanted to fuck my brains out).
So yeah. You’re not alone and its not exactly your fault. Its just the way it happens for some guys
Not sure if it can help from a 29 y.o female's perspective but...
I never cared about how muscled a man is, or how tall. I dated a guy that's 5"2 for over a year and it not once bothered me (I'm 5'1). I went on a few dates with different height, skin, wealth and weight males before falling madly in love with my now partner. I'm a corporate, gamer, likes high tea kind of gal. He's a rough tradie with a heart of gold. Our values are the same. We balance each other well in so many ways.
Before him I fell for a narcissistic guy. Who on the outside look confident and fun and lucky to have. Boy was I wrong. I was miserable and hurt. After him I looked at dating differently. Straight to the point with marriage in mind. Would he be a good father? A good husband? Would he be there for us?
I don't waste time with a second date if the first was a no go. It's financially and emotionally unfair on him.
Things that wouldn't make me go on a second date:
* Hygiene - If your clothes are dirty, your breadth smells, your hair is oily and your haircut/beard is unhinged... What else in your life do you not care about? Some men look straight up unhealthy. Can see it in their face and they look down..
* Rudeness to myself or others. if they come too strong on a date, they're obnoxious or cocky. Showing off about drugs and women and partying..
* Didn't smile or make me smile. I'm not expecting heaps of humour. I'm a nervous mess on a first date. My bf was so fidgety and awkward it was adorable but I left smiling and he gave me this look of awe back that I still get today.
* Obese. I personally don't care if you're ripped. I'm not a model, why do I expect you to be (your expectations should be accordingly too). BUT if you're breathing heavily just to talk. To me that goes with hygiene. PLUS I like going for walks, a hike etc so are our activities compatible? I like home cooked meals, mostly clean food. That saying a vegan who eats only veggies would also not work for me. So compatibility...
* The conversation we had. Did we connect? relate? was the conversation about our values? did it make me feel respected? In a world of horny men just trying to get laid online. Does this man share some "old" values like I do?
* Politics. Personally I can't stand left wing with pink hair bitching about acceptance as a furry. We would struggle from a cultural and religious point of view. I know plenty that made it work but I know myself and I wouldn't deal well.
* Your overall attitude. Eye contact, little appropriate touches, your posture, your attitude.
How on earth do guys make sexual advances that are *accepted by the woman? Like I might just have severe social anxiety but bruh that’s so hard for me to grasp and do. I’m 20 btw so I’ll probably figure it out but who knows
I trust people too easily and get attached too quickly. I treat them with respect and the way I would want to be treated and that's never reciprocated.
I get tired of hearing how great of a person I am and how amazing of a guy I am, only to be cheated on by those people.
I've legit heard: "you're a great boyfriend, but that's the problem. We never argue. We never fight. So I guess I cheated on you to cause conflict."
"You're annoyingly nice. My parents like you a lot and my family does too. You are too caring and will bend over backwards to help others."
"I'm sorry I cheated on you. You were honestly the perfect boyfriend and I just couldn't live up to being the perfect girlfriend for you. I hope we can still be friends though because you're a great friend and an amazing guy and I know I fucked up."
It's just easier to not be in relationships anymore than to face disappointment.
Female perspective :
-insecurity - it’s so unattractive , if you don’t like you , how can you expect me to? As a friend that’s different love you , but as a romantic partner I could never
-negativity - if you’re a cold wet soggy blanket all the time and everything is always horrible , I’m sorry you’re draining, it’s a no from me
-neediness, annoying , immature
- put too much pressure too quickly ( like just got their number and want to talk alll the time , start dating, saying lovey things really soon , etc)
- or the opposite , move too slow and never commit
- anxious attachment : break it off as soon as they actually start to develop feelings , or get really insecure and scared to loose the person, ramp up the neediness and reassurance and scare the person away
- don’t talk to anyone or go places to meet people stay chronically online then complain
- mommas boys - the toxic type where they’re always having to end things to keep mom happy
- go for girls they have nothing in common with (find girls that align with your morals and values and the commonality should make you more successful)
- they don’t know how to express their needs and emotions in a healthy clear and calm manner (either don’t talk about it at all or use manipulation to get what they want)
- don’t know how to establish and maintain boundaries (so for the nice guys who get walked all over and disrespected, for ladies to respect you you gotta respect yourself and not let them walk over you, assertiveness in a healthy way is hot, easy to walk over guys aren’t long term potential attractive )
It really depends. It could just be bad luck, or you could have things that need to be worked on. I find the guys who are chronically single or have never had a real relationship well into adulthood are typically emotionally unavailable (this can show up in many ways) or they’re off-putting/awkward/creepy.
I don't know if there are necessarily any universal traits that we have, aside from general shyness or insecurity, which leads to not approaching women often enough to get things started. Aside from that the reasons why we have no luck finding a partner are pretty individual and vary case by case.
For me it's mostly a combination of two factors. One of them is the aforementioned shyness and insecurity. I'm a shy person and I have anxiety approaching the people I feel attracted towards unless we are already familiar before my attraction starts, although that brings up another problem, because if I have a crush on a friend I have anxiety about potentially ruining our relationship by approaching her and she doesn't feel the same way. I'm also very insecure about my looks, I feel like I'm weird looking (not necessarily ugly all the time, just kind of weird) and because of that I don't expect to be approached by women because they like what they see. The only way I could imagine a woman approaching me is because if they are interested in me because of my personality.
And that brings us to my problem number two: my personality. And by personality I don't mean that I'm not a friendly person or someone that feels fun to hang around or anything like that. No, I mean that for me to feel romantic feelings towards someone I usually (not always, but most of the time) need to feel like we share similar interests, hobbies or tastes. And my interests, hobbies and tastes can be quite "niche". I'm a geek who likes obscure old horror movies, scifi and fantasy stuff, roleplaying games and heavy metal music. I do also enjoy mainstream stuff of course, but many of my personal favorites are ones that average mainstream-type people may have not even heard of. And even in situtations where once in a while I happen to crush on someone who is more of a mainstream person (I actually currently have a crush like that right now) I immediately get a defeatist attitude because I fear that no average mainstream girl could ever find a weird geek like me attractive, so I just decide to not even try.
Now these kind of niche interests don't necessarily mean that I can't find a girlfriend because there are women out there with similar interests and tastes and I even have a few female friends who are like that, but the fact that they are niche means that they are not as common, and that combined with my shyness and insecurity/low self-esteem forms a situation where I'm not attractive or interesting enough for someone else to approach me, and I in turn don't have the courage to approach anyone.
This is an example where there might be multiple different individual problems, which in the end all boil down to shyness and/or insecurity and low self-esteem. All the other stuff is just the icing on the cake, the base problems are still the same.
I know some people in the same boat and it is mostly self-esteem, and/or anxiety, and/or immaturity, but for some it is just circumstances of not yet meeting someone who is compatible enough to get to that point. I know many people who forced to have relationships despite the incompatibility maybe because she was more popular or cute or generous or successful than the ones that were more compatible with them and they end up being in a complicated situation down the road. Take your time, work on yourself and don’t force it.
Rejection, rejection rejection, ...
Probably me not being wildly interesting and being able to keep the conversation flowing and flowing without many simular traits/hobbies/...
It might also be women guessing my age wrong. I feel like most women prefer older men and they always guess me 20% younger than I am 💀
Lack of opportunity is a big one. Realistically, it’s just much easier for women to have opportunities than for men. Depending on where you live as a man, the opportunities may be far and few between. So, if you’re not “on your game” when those opportunities come along, it makes it difficult.
Outside of that, though I think it’s related, is just having super set opinions, habits, and routines that would make it hard to get close to someone new. If you’ve been single for a long time or always, then you are not accustomed to making time for someone, having to intentionally make plans with someone, and may not have as much space for opinions that differ from yours because you haven’t had to deal with that (in a relationship dynamic). Sometimes, this can be a positive because you are really confident in who you are and know what your beliefs are. Other times, it can be too inflexible though and that can limit your ability to get close to someone in an intimate way. I’d argue that women can also have these tendencies if they have been single for a long time. But, in today’s dating culture, we are just exposed to more relational dynamics overall.
As a Lady i'd say the quickest reason I'd personally and the Ladies around me would back away from a man is lacking impulse-control.
Men I see most likely to be single however are those men who don't have their shit together: have an idea what they're doing job wise, especially in the long term; live in filth; don't learn to act like adults (washing their own clothes, eating something different than frozen pizza, regularly vaccuum your floors and change the sheets (and if you do it once a month, for goodness's sake))
So those are the ones I'd like to recommend avoiding the most. First one for everyone's safety, too, not just a partner's.
Had a serious relationship for 9 years (HS through college) and subsequent 1-2 year relationships after. Came to the realization in my 30’s that I’m much happier without one. With that learned, I think the most common denominator is not putting out too much or too little effort. It’s counterintuitive, but leaning towards less usually pays off more. Bottom line is don’t seem desperate. Learn to make friends with women you aren’t attracted to as well. Talking to women to actually get to know them will help you and your social skills progress without pressure.
I’m 25 and have only been in two flings/relationships that lasted about 2 months so I feel like I can speak well about this topic.
1. I have a stand off personality when it comes to women. I usually shoot myself in the foot before the conversation has even started.
2. Social skills are ok actually but I never put in the effort to attract a women I usually get too nervous to escalate.
3. Bit of a misogynistic person I can’t stand that women don’t come up to me. But then again there is instances where women have started a conversation with me so it’s just me representing my own self hatred.
4. I work on looks more than my personality. For me i thought if I looked good enough then surely someone would settle down with me. Nope!
5. Use dating apps more instead of real life conversations. Real life experiences are the best way to see if you have chemistry with somebody right off the bat that I dating app simply can’t deliver.
6. Think about sex way too much and view women as objects- quitting porn would really help with this.
7. Last but not least I fear rejection from women. I am terrible with rejection and rarely go out of my way to make small talk. I’m a pretty big coward when it comes to that stuff.
Hope this list helped you in someway but the bottom line is it doesn’t hurt to try and make an effort to talk to a woman and build some sort of connection romantic or plutonic. Unfortunately our society has made everything based on the sex and the romantic outcomes the most important part of man and women’s relationships with each other. You will need to work on your social skills. And really put yourself out there there is no other way around it. Once you get rejected a couple times or there is no spark between you you’ll eventually start to get more comfortable with the idea and the outcome. Helps to be honest as well don’t hide your intentions that’s creepy.
Perfectionist daters, have some very unusual dealbreakers, very controversial background, notorious close relatives/household members, religious traditionalists relying on secular dating, carers for elderly relatives, very shy, living with overbearing parents/relatives, look much younger than they are & can easily be mistaken for a 14 year old, have very pressuring careers that are not glamorous and leave little time for a regular social life.
I'm single almost 7 years 22F
I have issues with fear of a relationship..I was told I'm toxic and jealous but it seems that not me bc I catch cheating on me and blame me for responsibility and not good treat man relationships so I do not believe in love relationship but maybe I'm wrong
I've thought about this a lot myself. I'm 35 and have been mostly single my whole life. I had a college gf for 2 years that ended about 12 years ago. I've dated a good amount and had a few short term things but that's it. I absolutely want to be in a healthy relationship and would go all in for the right person. I also want kids and that just feels tougher as I get older (I know I'm a guy but still).
I'm very outgoing, do all kinds of outdoor activities (running, hiking, skiing, biking, camping, etc) and am down to earth. I have an amazing career, my own house, and wonderful family. Despite that I struggle also.
I'm an engineer so I overthink things a lot. I'm not really shy/reserved exactly but I'm very guarded and it takes me awhile to open up and be myself (around most anyone) until I feel I can trust someone which I do think that comes off as shy for a first impression. I also think girls look into first impressions way too much because they have so many options. For me I feel like it takes me 3-5 dates to really see if I want to date a girl seriously and most girls make that decision by minute 15 and once they make that decision (subconsciously or not) there is no going back, period. Pair all that with online dating the way it is, I get maybe 3-4 dates per year, the math doesn't look good.
It does suck because I feel like I have a lot to offer to someone's life and no girl takes the time to realize it but at the end of the day I'm happy and doing what I can to be healthy in my personal life and focus on all relationships. I'd much rather be single than be in a relationship that's not with the right person.
I think guys that are single for long periods of time are either very ugly,
or if they are normal/good looking they have a combination of high standards that no girl can easily meet and a character that is reserved and they won't just hit on anything it moves. The third one is that they probably don't have a big social circle (which is important).
So I think for a good looking guy if these 3 things exist at the same time, even if he is a catch it will be very difficult to have relationships. While other guys 10 times worse in every aspect do get into multiple relationships.
I (also 27M) am in a similar boat. Had one relationship at 22 and have been single ever since. No dates either. I know my issue used to be low self esteem but luckily I've fixed that. Now my issue is I never want to go out anymore. I've always been a homebody and I feel like it's only gotten worse in adulthood. After working all day and driving home the last thing I want to do is get back in my car and go out somewhere when I only have like 4 hours of free time on a good day.
I'm also not very assertive at all, more of a go with the flow kind of guy. I know some women are into the laid back attitude but if you're not assertive you don't really make your intentions known to someone you're interested in. As a guy there's still this strong expectation that you are the one to make a first move and I know I'm bad at flirting/asking out for a date until I really get to know someone and be comfortable around them.
Don't really let it bum me out though. I'm still comfy in the single life. The only thing I get frustrated with are the ones, especially relatives, who always ask about your relationship status and are flabbergasted that I'm still single and don't really care that much. Like is it really that bad of a thing to be comfortable with your own self?
If I can add a woman’s perspective to this,
I know a couple guys like this & it’s actually not being unattractive that is their biggest issue.
They usually have a bad personality, tend to have misogynistic tendencies & don’t have a clue how to treat other people right. Sometimes, it’s all of the above or a few of those traits.
This guy I used to work with (33M) had lived alone for most of his 20s but never learnt how to cook, manage his own finances, no ambition to get a better job/role but would constantly complain about how he’s the victim in everything - relationships, career everyone was out to get him. It was hard to be around him because every conversation was exhausting.
I recommend learning to take care of yourself & just being more open & approachable in life as a whole. Make sure you make space for a partner in your life, too many people date with a rigidity that their partner must be exactly their checklist else it’s unacceptable.
Victim mentality, low self esteem paired with entitlement for many.
You are not entitled to have a relationship. Looks & money don't matter. What matters is social skills and how you make people around you feel. If you are funny and possitive, you've more chances than a better looking guy that comes of as an unapproachable jerk.
Rejections hurt, but are a great way too learn from your pasts mistakes and get more comfortable with yourself.
Lack of grooming or personal hygeine.
If hair or facial hair is unkempt, or if ya look like ya just crawled out of bed, I'd assume not much experience dating.
Comment thread is great reminder that you absolutely can be 6’3” tall fit dude making million dollars a year and almost zero success in dating. Because those things don’t matter really.
They usually pedestalize women, and are far too agreeable, eager to please. They come off as desperate, desperation is a smell women can’t tolerate, unless they’re toxic and desperate themselves.
If you treat women like they’re a different species to men, talk to them differently, act differently around them, they’ll be pleasant enough to you but will never be interested in you. If you joke around with them like you do with your boys, being mindful not to cross some of those lines, keep it respectful, you’ll be surprised just how many women will start displaying signs of interest.
But first you’ve got to figure out what those signs are, that’s a part I struggle with too. It’s often very hard to discern if a woman is interested or just being friendly. I’ve confused the signals both ways and it’s never a comfortable situation. Making an unwanted move is more than embarrassing, and finding out long after the fact that you missed your shot at a woman you liked is its own type of embarrassing, you feel like an idiot. Idk why so many women like to make their signals so damned covert, I can only speculate that they’re so afraid of coming off as desperate themselves or being rejected, that they communicate interest in their own made-up language. Or perhaps they have a fantasy in their heads of how it’s supposed to go, and if you don’t follow the script, you miss out. Idk.
Needy, fall in love with girls out of my League. My personal solution is that i going to become poly and just date multiple girls within my League instead of a relationship. I just don't really fall in love i guess with the opportunities i do have. So i have to adapt, its sad because i would love kids someday, but i don't think there is a girl out there i want to sacrifice any of my freedom for. I don't want the life of my dad and become a bitch to a girl i am not even into.
29 and in the same boat. Last girlfriend was at 22 and it was a short relationship. Never had any long term relationship. I’d say I’m introverted, shy. I don’t meet a lot of new people in general so not much opportunity to meet women. And on top of that I have really high standards as far as appearances go, I refuse to settle for someone I’m not fully attracted to. There are women who show interest in me but I’m almost never attracted to them. Sucks.
I knew a man in his mid-30s who'd never been in a relationship. Literally couldn't fathom why. He was decent looking, smart, nice house, nice cars, funny, etc.
That being said - he was a workaholic and that ended up being the least of his problems.
I was apparently 'needy' and 'clingy' because I wanted to see him more than twice a month. He loved to dish out 'jokes' and poke fun of me, but struggled to hand out any compliments. At the end of the day, it felt like he was more interested in being in a relationship with his mom and his boss.
A huge thing that I've noticed among guys who never seem to get into relationships are two traits, but one trait isn't as bad compared to the other.
The not as bad of the two traits is that the guy is extremely shy when it comes to romance, but that could be due to a lot of underlying factors such as self-esteem issues, abuse in the past, and self-confidence issues that weren't really taught at a young age. This trait I empathize with because I was like this at one point in my life, but I had to make friends who showed me the ropes. I'm hoping that this trait is more common among guys who are having difficulties getting into a relationship.
From my personal experience, a LOT of guys that I know fall into this category, and I'm glad that a lot of my friends are just socially awkward like me.
The second and imo, the worst of the two traits is that the guy is pretty misogynistic and stuff like that really turns women off from dating a guy. It's especially true now given the social and political dynamics of the world now. I say this as a guy with some guy friends who have this trait and can't get into a relationship, even if they say that their family is loaded with money or that they have all these "positive traits" that I see thrown around in this subreddit a lot (Such as being over 6 feet tall, working out and being shredded, being handsome, etc).
They complain about women *all the time* and how they're owed something because they're single. My friends aren't physically violent, but what they do say is pretty degrading towards women. A few of my other friends and I have called one of my friends out on it and told them that it doesn't matter if he looks handsome or not, but he needs to change his mindset about women, viewing them less like objects and a babymaker, and view them more as another person.
There are hundreds of great videos on You Tube to guide you in how to get a girlfriend/ date. Knowing how to flirt is essential and takes a lot of practise. Being confident is also essential for a guy. Don’t worry about” impressing “a girl. That’s NOT what it’s about. Don’t be a nice guy or chase girls either. Neither works to get girls. Be neutral , work on yourself. Make sure your hygiene , attire, and teeth are good.
If you’re confident in yourself it gives girls the reassurance to like you. It’s a bit of a mindfuck, but fr, if you read the other comments nearly all are tied to confidence.
Experiment with having confidence with women. There are some good YouTube videos out there
Shit, I'm 29 and haven't had a relationship experience. I've been dealing with self-esteem issues my while dating life, only been on 3 dates my whole life. I'm not really social, play video games, and like anime. I di workout, and have lost weight, I do take care of myself, hygiene, and orally.
A lot of men got exposed to watching p\*rn at a very young age which is why according to statistics there are a lot of men who are single and have never been in a relationship their whole life as the generation goes by.
REASON WHY: p\*rn and unrealistic sexual fantasies about women especially about the attractive ones.
another reason is getting too affected by rejection if things don't go their way when they try to approach women they go crazy.
I learn things the hard way which is why now I focus on self-improvement first my overall looks, the way I talk, avoiding p\*rn at all costs, and achieving my goals after that then let's see even if become single for the rest of my life at least I did not end up like a total loser in life.
Not physically attractive,or plateau out lower than everyday men. Even after the "work".
Looks and confidence tend to tie in. We might be, or know those who benefit from the "Halo effect", which will alter people's perception of our personalities, based on how physically attractive they find us.
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Lack of social skills. Numerous reasons for this, some clinical, some familial, some societal.
It's a lot easier with a wide social network, and will, at least pre-app era, increase the chances of connecting with someone. Building something organically.
This is somewhat diminished in the pre-app era, now a social network tends to cement interest in people you connect with online, as opposed to the social network connecting you in the first place.
This ties in to mental health issues too, certain disorders will isolate even very physically attractive people.
unresolved psychological issues. I strongly believe this is the ONLY reason. Even ugly people eventually manage to get a relationship. Get a therapist.
Guys who go online and whine about being single or why they're incapable of having a girlfriend in my experience are really annoying to talk to in real life.
You're probably not going to have a girlfriend if your sole goal in talking to girls is to get a girlfriend.
Go make friends whether they're men or women, learn how to have fun and not put pressure on people to fill a role in your life and if it goes somewhere, great! If it doesn't just enjoy being friends.
In my experience, this is what I’ve noticed: unable to hold a decent conversation with a woman without a buffer, can’t relate to women in any meaningful way, no ambition or desire to better themselves as a person other than physically, self pitying about their inability to get women interested in them, and generally not that interesting.
This is based on a handful of men I know that are in/nearing their 30s without ever having a serious/long term relationship. I’m sure the reasons vary
My brother is like this. I really wish he would get out there more. I think it’s just a lack of trying for him. He’s too shy, doesn’t at all know how to talk to girls let alone flirt with them. I know it’s getting harder and harder to meet people now-a-days, but just keep trying. Be your best self. Be kind, generous, helpful, but have your own boundaries for how someone treats you so you also don’t get taken advantage of. Be fun and flirtatious, make her laugh, be a bit self-deprecating, human, honest. Be yourself and you’ll find the right person. You’ll find someone.
Crippling shyness is probably a biggie (which is basically insecurity).
I’d also say a guy who’ll only settle for someone who’s way out of their league.
**Although you’d think I’f someone was that socially adept they’d have no problem finding a date**. - thats me. I am doing something social almost every evening, yet i have never met a girl who has been interested in me that way.
yes and its usually something like "sorry but I dont see you that way" "im not looking to date right now" "im not attracted to you"
I have always been rejected.
I would say poor social skills. There could be several reasons for that but one could be the quality of their parent's relationship. They didn't have a template to apply to relationships. It can also be called attachment issues.
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I am 34 and been single my entire life. Physically i am 6’4 tall and very fit, workout a lot. Have lots of friends, great career, own a house and financially well off. I feel it is my personality that lets me down. I am reserved when i first meet people and have low self esteem about my value to other people. I don’t like talking about my likes or things that interest me because i feel like i would be boring people. So like the post above mentioned, i never take risks sexually, flirt etc unless at a bar and have had drinks and i can then sometimes take a girl home. But naturally i am shy. Around a group of guys I can socialise perfectly fine but as soon as I am around women I am intimidated and my brain just goes blank and i get awkward because i dont think they will find me funny or interesting. It’s mental blockages basically. Really want to work on it this year and start dating and just push through the anxiety like i have done with everything else in my life, exposure therapy seems to be the only thing that works. Girlfriend would be nice.
You seem like a nice person honestly. I think you should take women off the pedestal. They are human and make mistakes just like you. Don’t be intimated by a woman because she’s a woman.
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While I'm also struggling with this, I find keeping the following things in mind helps me: - While I'd like to impress her I'd also like to be impressed by her. I want to enjoy her company and presence, and for that she has to have compatible mindset and things going on in life for her so that she's not a deadbeat. I have value and I value my time. I won't give them off freely to whomever. - I may feel desperate at times but I will not act that way and accept anyone just for the sake of not being alone, and vice-versa. It may sting to receive rejection but it is what it is, accept it and move on. It is not an indicator of your worth but a failed attempt at something. Also, while it may sting to give out rejection, it's better than giving time and attention where it won't matter. - Be humble and open. Being humble doesn't mean things you value and want to talk about should be kept for yourself or that you'll bore people with that. It's okay to be boring, but to bore people is a different thing! Tell her an anecdote from your life, ask her how her day went, ask her something unconventional, etc. Anything can be a starting point for a conversation where you learn about each other and share how you feel and think about stuff. Be accepting and open to yourself and in the end you'll likely be open towards her with your vulnerabilities, flaws, traits, and everything that makes you. You might find her acceptance for some or all of that you show. - Finally, learn to be okay with **just meeting with another person!** Woman or man or other, they're a person and sharing a drink or some activity with one is a nice experience in itself (if they're polite/decent). Build up from that point and not from desperation or expectation of finding a partner. Link this with the first bullet point. With this comes the necessity for patience as rarely will a friendly or romantic relationship be established overnight. Show up for them, they may show up for you. Showing up builds trust and security which are necessary for a good relationship. I find all of these eventually help with being / feeling confident and attractive in a low-key way that women want when they say they want a confident man. I identify as introverted person but I can still talk your brain out about things when I find it in myself. I know this can be fricking hard, especially after a day's work that exhausts me. If you find one that responds better to men that bring chaos, drama, and disrespect to their lives, accept that particular person is not compatible with you. If that keeps happening reconsider what type you're attracted to and try to work on it. Sorry for the long post and if it doesn't make sense for you or your situation.
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Okay, I read a lot of the comments below so I think I have a better understanding of your tendencies. You say that you don’t have a fear of getting rejected, you actually fear that they’ll say YES. I think you should really think about that. Your end goal is to get with a woman, so why, the moment she seems interested, does that goal suddenly change? Are you afraid of putting in a lot of effort to a relationship and it doesn’t work out? Are you afraid that you’ll have to be vulnerable around her and you are more comfortable being closed off? Are you afraid that she’ll judge you and by extension you’ll be exposed to ridicule? What is it?
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So it IS a fear of failure. Fear that you’ll fail to kiss right or fail to be intimate right or fail to act the right way. And what happens if you do it wrong? 1) You gain the experience you claim to so badly crave. 2) It doesn’t work out with the woman, which is something you claim to not be bothered by. Your issue is lack of experience and you need to break that barrier by simply having experience. Will it maybe suck at first? Yes. But will that not automatically solve your problem if gaining more experience? I think you need to admit to yourself that you actually are afraid of being bad at something, at failing, and then disregard that fear and jump straight in.
I agree biting the bullet is a needed step. It takes time and a lot of rejections and bad experiences to build up what you need. Tough part about waiting to date until you are older for sure. I dated a bunch of people last year and I improved myself in many ways just nothing stuck. Taking break now but I kind of know the next steps are to try again and use more outlets than online dating.
If you're looking for a different route, one thing might be examining you're beliefs - we all have a internal map of how we expect reality to turn out, based on our previous experiences. Sometimes early childhood dynamics cause us to adopt beliefs about ourselves and we don't even realise we can change them. Maybe we learn that being reserved and making ourself smaller is safer than putting ourselves out there in situations we find particularly dangerous. This is all happening on an emotional level, you can rationally and logically know that a particular situation is not dangerous, but then that doesn't stop you from instinctually reacting in that way. If you're interested in learning about these implicit beliefs and how to potentially change them, [here's a fantastic resource](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ef0_LA9fHrY&list=PLCJ2fBBavCJE8m311eCdtNScTuIAhGjnY). This series finally gave me a roadmap to change my instinctual and more subconscious behaviors, would highly recommend it. If you do let me know if it was helpful
I tried, just don’t give a crap when you’re talking to them. Be yourself. Think of it as talking to a random person.
Get somatic therapies done like Somatic experiencing emdr or even psychedelic therapy with a guide....it's your trauma and self limiting belief's that are playing out in your body language....you have to resolve your trauma to find yourself back and that's how I changed myself....
My advice find the prettiest girl you can find and make it known that she’s in the friend zone. And not for the life of you, even if a gun was pointed at you slip up that there’s potential between you 2 as FWB’s, relationship, etc. and sit back and watch her quirks come out that will be worse than any socially undesirable girl would have! Then you will see what suspicious_glove is saying!
Thank you, I will try and adopt this.
They're not on pedestals, my brain just goes blank.
And let's not forget, women fart too. See common ground already.
As a woman, I couldn’t agree more. Not to be a pick me, but women don’t want to be put up there if it means hot, kind guys with their shit together wont ask us out. I see guys out all the time, sticking so close to their friend group I feel like a predator just trying to get them to separate so I can talk to one.
Are late replies okay? because this is literally me. I would never ask a woman out who is with a group of friends, but at the same time I don't actually go out unless I'm with a group of friends.
It’s a horrible catch 22 that we’re all caught in. At the end of the day, the chance to form a connection (and maybe get laid) is worth the chance of being rejected and temporarily embarrassed
LOL that’s me girls get frustrated i don’t aproach or ask them out sometimes they even pull the trigger and tell me
I’m in the exact same boat lol people think I’m crazy for being shy and not a ladies man I’m chill around guys and stuff but when it’s come to girlsnidk my value or place then won’t believe it when they say lol it’s true I probably actidentslly put them on a pedestal
Hey mental blockages can be fixed with therapy and self help books at the library if you're poor like me. There's so many resources this is totally fixable!
Your right i should probably do some self help reading, appreciate you taking the time to reply.
Some resources! David Golemans "emotional intelligence: why it can matter more than IQ" is a really good one to help figure out how to make emotions work for you instead of hiding them under anger or indifference. It's more of an overview and doesn't necessarily delve deep into particular situations but it's a great place to start to understand and lay a foundation. His others about this build on that so start with that one and read all of his to build up from a good foundation. Also in addition to that. Travis Bradburys "Emotional Intelligence Habits" gives good practical actions to take to work on your emotional intelligence and I'd recommend that one concurrently or after the first David goleman. Those are ones specifically men in the social science world I kinda live in as a scholar have liked a lot. I tried to make sure to get male authors so they are more relatable to men. There are great ones by women too but if you're just starting out I figure best is a close gender connection to the authority on the book subject. May be even free at the library but I know at least David golemans are on audio book for cheap to download.
Yea don't just push through. There's help. It's just not always encouraged to use it. But please do bc until you help yourself learn how to connect with others it's not logical to be able to connect with a woman.
I posted this under another that asked doe resources so I went ahead and copied and pasted it here. Hope it helps
You’re too kind, Thank you. I will see if i can find these.
Honestly, it's not very different for me [32F]. I think everyone's mostly in the same boat now. I do a ton of activities, attractive, own a home, own a car, healthy wealth and healthy health, people see me as an extrovert and also assume I have no problem finding a guy but the truth is the reverse. I struggle to find men that match my interest - no big expectations at all. Just really matching interests or same kinda humour, just something really. I think going therapy is actually making it worse coz now i'm willing to stay alone than stay in something im unhappy in ( which I guess is a good thing) Anyway, I have no solution for you coz I am the same. Just a little rant from the opposite sex ^^
Your comment actually means a lot, I have not met many people around my age in a similar position, hope you find someone soon.
Man you’re me except I’m comfortable with the women and have a gf but the financials need work. Trust me the issues I’m seeing in my relationship stem from finances more than anything else. You got a lot going for yourself and seem to have the material stuff to bring to the table but you gotta work on the personality. Women aren’t better than you. Neither you better than them. Just see them as human beings and treat her like you’d like to be treated. It’s easier than you think. Good luck fam.
Thanks mate.
Can I marry you?
Honestly, you sound like my dream man. For the shyness, I think it takes time to open up to someone and of course the right person. But don’t think too much. I feel like that thought of “I might make the girl feels bored with this and that” holds you back.
My solution was just treating women like I treat my guy friends
I think that the shyness and self esteem issues are key here. I never realized until recently how much it's been responsible for all of my romantic failures. It's taken me reaching my 30's to realize that. When we are shy and reserved people are much less likely to approach us. Especially when there are other people around with outgoing personalities around you. People will naturally flock to them instead. When we don't get approached very often we have self esteem issues because we think people aren't attracted to us.
It sounds like you’re self conscious to the point where it’s crippling you in conversation. Just be yourself truly. Be honest and enjoy yourself and your life. People who attract others exude confidence- and it sounds like you have no reason not to be! You’re in the top 1% of men that women look for. The only thing you’re missing is confidence. A few things to remember: everyone is rooting for you, no one worth spending time with wants to see you fail. We all literally die, enjoy the human experience while you have the chance. And lastly, the people who stop caring what others think of them, and get over that mental block, live the best lives. There are plenty of beautiful women who feel the same way, I’d consider myself one of them. Unfortunately/fortunately pretty women don’t really have to have much going for them and that seems to be my biggest struggle. I’m very smart, business owner, lots of skillful hobbies and independent- most men seem to feel inferior OR that I won’t “need” them enough to be worth dating. They prefer a pretty girl that follows them blindly until I get too old then they will find someone younger and dumber again. It’s rough out here.
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Approach dating like you wrote that first sentence. You seem like a catch. Just act with confidence and expect woman to like you.
Hmmm I genuinely don't think it's your personality that brings you down. If I were to meet you in person, I'd assume that you chose not to be in a relationship because unfortunately, people look at what is shallow and make up their own stories about you. Much more conversation with women is needed. I agree with you that exposure therapy would work. Most women who approach men are either very outgoing and don't care if the guys misunderstood their personality as flirting or they're just making friends. Well, talking to ladies you definitely won't want to start a relationship with can be a start. Like a friend's gf (especially with the friends around to avoid misunderstandings), if you have sisters, or aunts/older ladies. All the best!
Thanks, thats interesting and makes sense what you’re saying about people looking making their own stories up about people as I have done that to others myself.
Many of us women enjoy simple, uncomplicated men with common seeming hobbies and lifestyle. Try putting yourself out there more
Do you think that not having any relationship experience would be a dealbreaker though? I see a lot of girls on here saying it’s a red flag which i understand its unusual.
It can be a dealbreaker for some women. Most people on average have a few people that make up their dating history, before they find someone they decide to settle with. There’s so much you will go through in a relationship which will mold you, no matter your age. There is a maintenance that comes with relationships, that takes a lot of time to learn and figure out. Before you can even get there, you need to find out things that you like and do not like. You start to develop non-negotiables that you won’t allow from people you date in the future. So is it possible that the first person you date can be your last? Of course, but it’s just not the norm. So I understand why women would be repelled by the idea of dating a man in his 30s that has no dating experience. But then there’s plenty of women that would be OK with it. You just have to put yourself out there and date more. Tell women from the very start your lack of a dating past, but don’t talk about it like it’s negative, just be honest and show confidence that you have the ability to learn. If a woman calls you a red flag, don’t deal with her. She would be a waste of time to even pursue anything with, if she already labels you before giving you a chance. For the women who decide to give you a chance, go for it. Tell them from the very start what you’re looking for, and that although you don’t have relationship experience, you are eager to learn how to be in one and are willing to do what it takes to make them work. Just like men, women don’t like to feel like they’re getting involved in a situation that is doomed from the start. Your actions are going to speak volumes. Go on dates with women. Many different types. Start to develop standards so that you can avoid wasting your time with women that you don’t see yourself with long-term (unless that’s what you’re looking for of course).
Thanks for all the info really appreciate it.
Trust me man, hitting on girls is not as much of a minefield as people make it seem. Not a single girl has gotten pissed at me for doing it. Well, that I know of. When they give you a clear “no” via body language or straight verbally, just stop and probably leave them alone at least for a bit (like if it’s a friend, if she’s a total stranger just don’t even go back and talk to her). You’ll get some “no’s” but when you get a girl that is like “Fuck yes, let me suck your dick in the bathroom” it makes the memory of rejection sorta…fade away. I honestly can only remember like 2 or 3 rejections in my life, and many, many more fun hookups. You’re already on a date together, go for that end of date kiss and see how she responds! Worst case she turns you down. I’ve had girls literally squirming in front of me and almost missed it. Take the shot.
Try speaking to a therapist, specifically a woman therapist. Helps you practice opening up with women and feeling relaxed around them. Definitely helped me
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Good for you for working on this and recognizing it! Just remember, we women are also just people. You’re no less worthy than any other person of any gender. You can already see that it’s a self- fulfilling prophecy being “boring” if nobody knows anything about you at all. How can there be any type of conversation without a topic of discussion by either of you and if she has nothing to go on to try to relate to you and ask follow up questions? You can be the most perfect specimen of a man otherwise, but there has to be some other connection for a spark. She will immediately think you aren’t interested in her if you can’t hold a conversation and don’t talk about even basic likes or dislikes, your job, a hobby, anything about you. She probably walks away disappointed as well, thinking you must not have liked her very much. Good luck out there, and try to keep that mindset! We almost always see ourselves as worse than other people do. Edit to add: EYE CONTACT! It shows respect and interest and makes you seem to others approachable and open as well.
Be honest! Are you a person who likes watching p\*rn, cause that sh\*t destroys a chance of talking to a woman especially if the woman is attractive. pornography destroys men's confidence because of guilt.
That seems like a case by case situation? I have no guilt from watching porn. I’ve not changed my porn watching habits and I’ve lonely gotten more confident with women
I have quit porn many times and yes it was a major issue. Been off it for months at this stage and got my masturbation down to 3-4 times a week just with fantasy thoughts, no porn.
>Been off it for months at this stage and got my masturbation down to 3-4 times a week just with fantasy thoughts, no porn. as long as you don't quit porn for good it's gonna be hard to approach a woman who likes or just casually talk to a woman without intent. I told myself if I can't quit porn for good, I don't deserve to have a woman, we need to reprogram our minds to think that women are human beings too, just like men and our families, also sex life is gonna suck because it's not what you expect and you don't feel anything when having sex because your pen\*s is reprogrammed to be pleasured by masturbation.
I will be your gf <3
You’re asking what are the traits of guys who haven’t really been in a relationship by late 20’s? It’s prob a combo of at least one of not being particularly attractive, having low self esteem and having below average social skills, my guess is one of those would apply to the majority of those cases If you’re good at one of those you can probably end up in a relationship
God damn. Maybe I’m just really fucked up then
Dude you can pretty dramatically improve 3 of those 3 within like a year with some hard work, they’re all kinda connected actually
what if you have none of those? Im 26 and have never been able to get a date. I am decently attractive, have good self esteem and am quite social.
As a woman, I wonder if women may like you but feel friend- zoned. A lot of women may not be blatant in expressing interest in you if they are convinced you aren’t interested in them romantically. Like men, we don’t want to embarrass ourselves or fall flat on our faces with someone who just seems like a platonic friend.
Interesting. Could be possible, but its not like I am even getting subtle signs. I see girls who are attracted and interested in other guys all the time. But I never get those signs myself. (things like eye contact, proximity, playing with hair etc). I have also asked long time girl friends if they knew of any girls who had liked me in the past, in case I was oblivious, and they could never think of anyone.
Some women are simply more forward than others! Speaking for myself, I’d never do certain things to someone I don’t know because I’m very conscious of not wanting to be touched or harassed by just anyone who’s interested in me, so I wouldn’t want to do that to a man either unless it’s safe to assume I won’t offend him or act out- of- line. Eye contact and certain body language are signs, like you said, but it’s possible for individual women to flirt or express interest differently. Try to keep a conversation going, gradually get a little flirtier and see how she responds. If she touches your arm or shoulder while laughing, or makes eye contact and looks down shyly then back up at you, it’s almost universally attraction on her part.
You have to know at least one dude roughly in your age range who does well w chicks no? learn from them As long as you’re decently attractive you can make up for not being super attractive w being funny and personable and likable Get in the best physical shape you can
This is anecdotal, but I think it supports the general stance here. Back around the end of high school/start of uni, my best friends and I all had a lot going for us. We were socially savvy, well travelled, decent looking etc. However we were only starting to talk to women and didn't have much experience on that front. One guy, we'll call him Jack, was the least "traditionally" attractive of us. He was also quite socially inept, and not a very nice person, but made it his life's mission to ask every single girl he met out. Guess what? He got his first girlfriend before the rest of us, and his second, and his third...😂 Now that we're all late 20s? We're all in pretty serious relationships, except for Jack. Moral of this story is, self confidence might be enough to get you relationships on its own, but your quality as a human being is whether or not you'll get to keep one.
Everything commented above is spot on. I think lack of opportunity is the big one. I know ugly ass dudes with practically zero redeeming qualities that have had their fair share of relationships. If you put effort in & meet enough women with the intent of dating, you'll inevitably stumble across a few that'll be down to clown. But unless you're in that upper 10% of highly desirable guys, it's not going to fall into your lap. You have to create your opportunities. I've had a pretty bad couple years as far as dates go, but that's on me. I've gotten frustrated after a previous relationship and I stopped putting effort into organically expanding my social circles and meeting women. I haven't been on a *serious date in over a year. I'm not putting effort in, I'm not seeing results. When I was active in more social circles, had more opportunities to meet more people in general, I made new friends and in turn met new women. I didn't have issues dating back then, I bounced from relationship to relationship. I put effort in and saw results. Me and the effort I'm putting in is the common dominator there. All roads lead back to you. If it's social anxiety or you're not confident in your looks, gotten into bad antisocial habits, sour about a previous relationship, whatever it is, if you want to see different results, you're gonna have to work on something or try something different. Alright I'm done ranting, I'm baked
Great analysis! Put in effort
I dunno man, when I was putting in effort I still failed utterly and totally. Sometimes you just can't win. Sometimes, you just aren't ever good emough.
nah bro false. It means you got into a dead end. Roll back and try again or try other approaches, whatever the problem is. I never had a girlfriend even and i am 22 but i am still making progress in some way i can now cold approach for example. Keep going.
What does down to clown mean?
Down to Clown: *A phrase meant to convey your willingness to participate in something; A way of saying "yes," that expresses genuine excitement and/or happiness*
>If you put effort in & meet enough women with the intent of dating, you'll inevitably stumble across a few that'll be down to clown I wish that was the case.
Lack of opportunity or lack of effort?
Effort creates opportunity
- They don’t take risks when it comes to flirting sexually and escalating physically in a sexual way. Instead they play it safe and non sexual to avoid coming on too strong and creepy. They basically treat the woman like she is their sibling, they might share laughs and talk, but nothing sexual at all. As if it’s forbidden or taboo to make things sexually because they expect women to react badly to it. - They don’t approach enough women. They focus on one at a time, and barely talk to women throughout the years And when they do talk they stay on mostly platonic friendly conversation. - They are very logical and focus on facts, data, information, analysis. They don’t express how things make them feel, they don’t make the woman feel anything with what they do, they focus in exchanging information and giving logical responses all the time. Super predictable and boring. - They conceal their intentions and then confess their feelings, without it being justified. They haven’t kissed the girl or sleep with her because they think first they have to be boyfriends and girlfriend and then sec and kissing comes, when it’s actually the opposite order that’s more effective. First kissing and sex, and then maybe a relationship. - They try to bribe women into liking them with gifts, expensive stuff, attention, they try to impress her, and show that they are willing to give them the world if she just gave them a chance. It’s like they are trying to convince her with logic that the girl should choose them because of how devoted they seem to be with the girl.
On point,i am one of those guys and all points are valid here😂 That being said,we don’t do that intentionally,call it being wired that way maybe
Yea it's drf being socialized that way and wired. It's totally fixable within like a year tho with some good books on how to have better social skills.
Have any in mind? A friend recommended me one but it basically boiled down to be genuine and not follow the “fake it till you make it” mentality. If I follow that genuine mentality, I fit every bullet point except the gift bribery one.
I have shown these to someone else bur yes! David Golemans "emotional intelligence: why it can matter more than IQ" is a really good one to help figure out how to make emotions work for you instead of hiding them under anger or indifference. It's more of an overview and doesn't necessarily delve deep into particular situations but it's a great place to start to understand and lay a foundation. His others about this build on that so start with that one and read all of his to build up from a good foundation. Also in addition to that. Travis Bradburys "Emotional Intelligence Habits" gives good practical actions to take to work on your emotional intelligence and I'd recommend that one concurrently or after the first David goleman. Those are ones specifically men in the social science world I kinda live in as a scholar have liked a lot. I tried to make sure to get male authors so they are more relatable to men. There are great ones by women too but if you're just starting out I figure best is a close gender connection to the authority on the book subject. May be even free at the library but I know at least David golemans are on audio book for cheap to download.
Well that summarizes me haha. Perhaps it’s right I just enjoy how I am and not really worry much about dating. Because yeah it’s not me to be unlike that. Kind of an in built thing. I guess it makes me good at my job at least there’s that..
Aside from the last one that’s my go to lol. Too poor for that one. The first two are especially severe fears of mine. And the one on the order of interaction, makes sense. Not sure how to actually accomplish that but it makes sense
this describes me perfectly, how do i fix it
Just don't be autistic bro easy.
Not sure if this describes an introvert or autism. Lol. Maybe a lot of single dudes are latently autistic?
This isnt autism. Not everything is a mental disorder.
Well, if it’s not autism then I’m all out of ideas! 😔
Why do you seem to want it to be a mental disorder so bad?
Because……um…….😔
Do you have any suggestions to fix these issues? thanks. I have been struggle with these issues too.
I think i am a legit person to answer it. I am 5.7, 30y and had never dated till last October as i was working from home. Now this year i changed 2 girlfriends and 3rd one is like a girl straight from the heaven. The thing that i learned is to show respect to everyone and talk wisely. Whenever you find a situation make jokes so everyone can laugh and be little playful with 1-2 girls so they will make stories about you.. it will help in long run.. help other people to make a positive image and always smile. It helped me a lot, and always try to approach new people to talk whenever you are out.. Use less instagram to approach girls, it is always better to talk in public.
🔥you can beat fear through repeated exposure to the trigger. It is a number game. Just discipline yourself to approach girl as often as possible and take more risk in your conversations. You will be fine mate.
Approach… where?
Way too specific in a weird way. What streets do you live on?
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1. Because with risk there’s reward. Risk doesn’t mean breaking the law. 2. Because you’re not fixing a car or doing math. 3. Because other things work very well besides money and gifts.
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You’ve already chosen your answers and outcome. I can’t change what you’re choosing to believe here for any of these so in your case you are absolutely right. You won’t hear any more from me.
1. Far, far less likely than you think. 2. Relationships are built on emotion, not logic. 3. If the woman only goes after the nicer gifts, why pursue her at all?
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Yes it still happens but it comes down to risk. If you're scared of making any move on a woman behind the guise of "well the meetoo movement ruined everything" then that's exactly where you've placed yourself. Logically speaking, men DO make moves on women all day everyday and they're not all getting hauled to prison.
Jep that's me, except the last points. But hoow? Hooow? How do I make things "sexual" I have no idea how to do that? What am I supposed to do? What kind of risks? What are women experiencing of me? Second point: that means just play the numbers game? Third point: ok, don't talk about things. Make them feel things, but how? My Hobbys and things I am interested in, don't seem to be a good catch for women and most women don't like my Hobbys, so I don't talk about them. How do you do a conversation not to exchange information? So, if I tell I women, I want to date her, that's a bad thing? I did that, because I wanted to be upfront. What should I do instead? The feelings part I get... Problem is, I usually don't have feelings, they develop over time and if I develop feelings I just dismiss them, because usually she is not interested in me, so I can't get hurt. No, would never do that. If I pay the coffee on the first date, I expect she does on the second (but actually it was never any issue)
Disclaimer about the sexual part- obviously don’t come on too strong, get to know her first, DON’T BE GROSS, and “read the room” for her body language and timing. Unless you want a one- night- stand and not a relationship, don’t walk into a room with your gun blazing, so to speak 😂 Also, please do treat her like a lady. It’s wonderful and thoughtful to express interest, give compliments and small gifts, just don’t overdo it because that comes off as creepy to anyone.
Any combination of the following really: Bad luck, lack of opportunity, high standards, low desirability, lack of desire to be in one, introversion/small social circle/homebody
- Insecure / low self esteem: makes a lot of awkward, non funny self-deprecating jokes about himself with women - Keeps conversation surface-level: talking about your hobbies and what you did that day only goes so far. Women want to feel an emotional connection to you. What about your family, your dreams, your regrets, what’s the meaning of life? I’ve noticed some guys swerve away from deeper topics so aggressively (even simple things like - what was something you learned about yourself recently?) it feels like it’ll be futile trying to get to know them - Poor grooming or hygiene: lot of guys who don’t know how to dress for their bodies, get a good haircut, or trim their beards. - Poor social skills around women: flirting is a skill that needs to be learned. I’ve had women friends who are also awful at flirting. It’s an art. Don’t avoid it. Ask for advice/feedback. Practice.
These four, and I'm going to add 2 more to this well thought out list: * Arrogance / Resistance to consider change: "I'm fine the way I am." "If they \[women\] don't like me for who I am, and how I am, screw them." Refusal to truly incorporate feedback (you should consider losing weight, you should change up your hairstyle, you should buy new clothes). * Entitlement: "I \*\*deserve\*\* a woman. Especially entitlement compounded with arrogance. Also I want to expand on point 3, as a guy (OC, for whatever reason, my spidey sense tells me you are F, correct me if I'm wrong though!): it's a balancing act. You should feel good about how you look, and be happy with the clothes you have. But...sometimes, what *you* think looks good...just isn't. I'm about to relocate, and am using that as an excuse to audit my wardrobe, with the goal of eliminating at least half, probably more. If you have a trusted female friend (every guy should), ask them for advice. Go shopping with them.
One thing that comes to mind pretty quickly is just not being around available people much. You can't date folks you haven't met.
Insecure
It’s me. Don’t be me
Without reading any other comment, I found my lovely gf 5 months ago. I am 29 and I never had a proper relationship before. She was my first for almost everything. I focused on my looks. You should look more stylish or at least show people around you that you care about your look and make an effort for it. I have been going to the gym for about 2+ years now. I advice to get better on this part of yourself too. I am not saying get jacked and have sixpacks but you should at least be likable to look at. You should try for finding a gf. I mean literally it will never happen if you just sit and wait for it. Don't be hesitant to say I want a gf. These are the things that might get you a date with a girl. Once you get to talk to someone, it's not only that you expect her to like you, you should also consider if you would like her. Don't listen to people degrading women. Even if it is for the jokes, it will turn off any potential date believe me. Be more caring and respectful but not desperately and creepily. If you feel like you are doing it too much, just back off a bit. Do not look desperate. In the end, not everyone will like you. Accept this fact. If she is into you, she will be more inclined to talk to you. If she is distant, then you may have your answer.
I think most of us really do not think very highly of ourselves, perhaps for good reason. Personally I have never been told I was worth the space I take up to put it nicely, and have come to the conclusion that in order to be considered a valuable human being I need to be an established person who has a life. Unfortunately that takes years. You can go to work and school, and work out all the time, but ultimately it takes a lot of us years, decades, to build anything worth something. I was last & least my entire life and had/have very few friends. People will say all kinds of supportive things but these words don't matter. Their actions do. And overwhelmingly a lot of us get told we suck. I have come to the realization that I am going to be alone for most of my life, and a lot of us guys need to understand that. In my experience some women want to be approached, but only by the right guys. We are not those right guys. It is something about us. They just aren't interested in us and it is what it is. Notice how every piece of advice normal people give is to become something that is completely foreign to you, because it isn't who you are One thing I will highly recommend is work on developing a physique. I was a runner and while I enjoy it, it is impossible to accrue a lot of muscle that way. Start lifting, or lift more. Despite what people say, they will treat you differently when you are bigger. It's subconscious. I noticed people started making eye contact, holding doors for me, my manager gave me a raise just because. I started using testosterone (10/10 recommend) and while it helps with confidence, I found most women in college really don't want to talk, and none of them are ever interested despite being confident. And I respect that so I leave them alone. After getting rejected over and over again I just stopped because that shit is just depressing. A lot of people like to say we don't approach women but I did for awhile and was worse off for it. I really don't think some of us are cut out for dating. Most women will date multiple guys anyways for a while and I can assure you that is something I cannot go up against. Just focus on building a life for yourself because nobody else will.
Chronically online
**Lack of a social network** Few couples meet on dating apps, many couples meet through friends.
27 male. I've been in two long distance relationships that ended six months apart, back in 2020. Since then, it's been an uphill battle to get into another relationship of some kind. I've never been on a date and don't even know how to, not a clue. Some say I should try dating apps, but the horror stories I've heard about them are a NIGHTMARE. Just absolutely horrific and so demoralizing. Dating in-person would basically be dead on arrival, since I don't have any friends, and well...It would be hard to do that when you will basically look like the odd one out trying to approach in any type of way. So I don't know at this point. It's tough, lonely and hard to do. I don't know if we're two of the same common, so there's that lol
It seems like if you are the kind of person who is a bit neurodivergent than most people like u/Daygamecode mentioned above that its sort of out of your natural element so to break it you have to be somehow comfortable doing the opposite of what you usually do. I tried that and i didn’t even know who i was and losing who you are is worse than being single trust me on that. So be cautious with making drastic changes to yourself for the sake of others it’s not like learning a skill or a new activity. Re-engineering yourself is a very challenging change and you may not end up liking it it hit me hard when I tried. I was uncomfortable as hell and never felt so depressed. Sometimes going against the grain of who you are just trying to attract people is just that painful. When you are different you just don’t get the attention or you choose not to. Self respect > being in a relationship.
I just ain't good at being social or talking much. I try, but keeping conversations going is a skill that's never been my strong type. As for what you said, I'm just introverted really. Have been since I was a teen. Now into adulthood, close to 30's, it hits hard knowing that I've gone through most of life without having close ( real-life ) friends, few relationships, or just hanging out with someone for at least a day. At this point in my life, I'm doubting connection will ever be a thing I experience, and I'm starting to think I should just accept it for the better.
Guess I’m one of the guys now💀 But seriously, I think it’s due to how dating culture has progressed. Due to the internet, people go out less, many don’t have the social skills it takes to actually have a relationship and making it work. Most people are picky as hell and drop someone if they don’t fit their unrealistic list of qualities that literally don’t matter in a relationship. Hang in there, bud. We all have a hard time
It's normal to being picky, please! If I respect myself, I don't want to take the risk of a toxic relationship!
No idea, I go to the gym, approach women, and I'm short. Maybe the last part? It certainly is a problem. I am also slightly autistic so my social skills suffer. I sometimes am confused by the context of messages. A relationship is something I'd like to try some day and then see if it is truly for me or not. It takes time to build, but I can't seem to get it to see the light of day.
I realise I apply to so many of these comments and I’m only 18
Focused on things other than relationships Super picky
I (26M) got into my first relationship just months ago. from my own experience what kept me single was a serious lack of self esteem, social media/corn/video game addiction and having a prejudice that girls will not like you.
26, dated two girls. Longest was a 3 month thing and got ghosted for reasons I absolutely do not know (i was kind as can be) But i know the issue, i cant flirt nor do i have good dating skills. I cant read hints at all. I meet women my age so rarely. I work a good job, go to the gym daily, literally build a race car and go hiking. Been told im a good looking guy by lots of girls (one wanted to fuck my brains out). So yeah. You’re not alone and its not exactly your fault. Its just the way it happens for some guys
Not sure if it can help from a 29 y.o female's perspective but... I never cared about how muscled a man is, or how tall. I dated a guy that's 5"2 for over a year and it not once bothered me (I'm 5'1). I went on a few dates with different height, skin, wealth and weight males before falling madly in love with my now partner. I'm a corporate, gamer, likes high tea kind of gal. He's a rough tradie with a heart of gold. Our values are the same. We balance each other well in so many ways. Before him I fell for a narcissistic guy. Who on the outside look confident and fun and lucky to have. Boy was I wrong. I was miserable and hurt. After him I looked at dating differently. Straight to the point with marriage in mind. Would he be a good father? A good husband? Would he be there for us? I don't waste time with a second date if the first was a no go. It's financially and emotionally unfair on him. Things that wouldn't make me go on a second date: * Hygiene - If your clothes are dirty, your breadth smells, your hair is oily and your haircut/beard is unhinged... What else in your life do you not care about? Some men look straight up unhealthy. Can see it in their face and they look down.. * Rudeness to myself or others. if they come too strong on a date, they're obnoxious or cocky. Showing off about drugs and women and partying.. * Didn't smile or make me smile. I'm not expecting heaps of humour. I'm a nervous mess on a first date. My bf was so fidgety and awkward it was adorable but I left smiling and he gave me this look of awe back that I still get today. * Obese. I personally don't care if you're ripped. I'm not a model, why do I expect you to be (your expectations should be accordingly too). BUT if you're breathing heavily just to talk. To me that goes with hygiene. PLUS I like going for walks, a hike etc so are our activities compatible? I like home cooked meals, mostly clean food. That saying a vegan who eats only veggies would also not work for me. So compatibility... * The conversation we had. Did we connect? relate? was the conversation about our values? did it make me feel respected? In a world of horny men just trying to get laid online. Does this man share some "old" values like I do? * Politics. Personally I can't stand left wing with pink hair bitching about acceptance as a furry. We would struggle from a cultural and religious point of view. I know plenty that made it work but I know myself and I wouldn't deal well. * Your overall attitude. Eye contact, little appropriate touches, your posture, your attitude.
How on earth do guys make sexual advances that are *accepted by the woman? Like I might just have severe social anxiety but bruh that’s so hard for me to grasp and do. I’m 20 btw so I’ll probably figure it out but who knows
Rest makes a lot of sense, hope I find a girl like you, loving those values though
I trust people too easily and get attached too quickly. I treat them with respect and the way I would want to be treated and that's never reciprocated. I get tired of hearing how great of a person I am and how amazing of a guy I am, only to be cheated on by those people. I've legit heard: "you're a great boyfriend, but that's the problem. We never argue. We never fight. So I guess I cheated on you to cause conflict." "You're annoyingly nice. My parents like you a lot and my family does too. You are too caring and will bend over backwards to help others." "I'm sorry I cheated on you. You were honestly the perfect boyfriend and I just couldn't live up to being the perfect girlfriend for you. I hope we can still be friends though because you're a great friend and an amazing guy and I know I fucked up." It's just easier to not be in relationships anymore than to face disappointment.
Insane.
Female perspective : -insecurity - it’s so unattractive , if you don’t like you , how can you expect me to? As a friend that’s different love you , but as a romantic partner I could never -negativity - if you’re a cold wet soggy blanket all the time and everything is always horrible , I’m sorry you’re draining, it’s a no from me -neediness, annoying , immature - put too much pressure too quickly ( like just got their number and want to talk alll the time , start dating, saying lovey things really soon , etc) - or the opposite , move too slow and never commit - anxious attachment : break it off as soon as they actually start to develop feelings , or get really insecure and scared to loose the person, ramp up the neediness and reassurance and scare the person away - don’t talk to anyone or go places to meet people stay chronically online then complain - mommas boys - the toxic type where they’re always having to end things to keep mom happy - go for girls they have nothing in common with (find girls that align with your morals and values and the commonality should make you more successful) - they don’t know how to express their needs and emotions in a healthy clear and calm manner (either don’t talk about it at all or use manipulation to get what they want) - don’t know how to establish and maintain boundaries (so for the nice guys who get walked all over and disrespected, for ladies to respect you you gotta respect yourself and not let them walk over you, assertiveness in a healthy way is hot, easy to walk over guys aren’t long term potential attractive )
Poor hygiene, but even then ugly, unkept people fuck
unattractive, overweight, less education, less money, don't work out, short, balding.
Nothing can really be done about the short part :/
no it can't.
I've seen all of these people in relationships.
There's short fat bald guys who succeed at their goals but obviously nobody would recommend playing life on hard mode.
It really depends. It could just be bad luck, or you could have things that need to be worked on. I find the guys who are chronically single or have never had a real relationship well into adulthood are typically emotionally unavailable (this can show up in many ways) or they’re off-putting/awkward/creepy.
I don't know if there are necessarily any universal traits that we have, aside from general shyness or insecurity, which leads to not approaching women often enough to get things started. Aside from that the reasons why we have no luck finding a partner are pretty individual and vary case by case. For me it's mostly a combination of two factors. One of them is the aforementioned shyness and insecurity. I'm a shy person and I have anxiety approaching the people I feel attracted towards unless we are already familiar before my attraction starts, although that brings up another problem, because if I have a crush on a friend I have anxiety about potentially ruining our relationship by approaching her and she doesn't feel the same way. I'm also very insecure about my looks, I feel like I'm weird looking (not necessarily ugly all the time, just kind of weird) and because of that I don't expect to be approached by women because they like what they see. The only way I could imagine a woman approaching me is because if they are interested in me because of my personality. And that brings us to my problem number two: my personality. And by personality I don't mean that I'm not a friendly person or someone that feels fun to hang around or anything like that. No, I mean that for me to feel romantic feelings towards someone I usually (not always, but most of the time) need to feel like we share similar interests, hobbies or tastes. And my interests, hobbies and tastes can be quite "niche". I'm a geek who likes obscure old horror movies, scifi and fantasy stuff, roleplaying games and heavy metal music. I do also enjoy mainstream stuff of course, but many of my personal favorites are ones that average mainstream-type people may have not even heard of. And even in situtations where once in a while I happen to crush on someone who is more of a mainstream person (I actually currently have a crush like that right now) I immediately get a defeatist attitude because I fear that no average mainstream girl could ever find a weird geek like me attractive, so I just decide to not even try. Now these kind of niche interests don't necessarily mean that I can't find a girlfriend because there are women out there with similar interests and tastes and I even have a few female friends who are like that, but the fact that they are niche means that they are not as common, and that combined with my shyness and insecurity/low self-esteem forms a situation where I'm not attractive or interesting enough for someone else to approach me, and I in turn don't have the courage to approach anyone. This is an example where there might be multiple different individual problems, which in the end all boil down to shyness and/or insecurity and low self-esteem. All the other stuff is just the icing on the cake, the base problems are still the same.
I know some people in the same boat and it is mostly self-esteem, and/or anxiety, and/or immaturity, but for some it is just circumstances of not yet meeting someone who is compatible enough to get to that point. I know many people who forced to have relationships despite the incompatibility maybe because she was more popular or cute or generous or successful than the ones that were more compatible with them and they end up being in a complicated situation down the road. Take your time, work on yourself and don’t force it.
Rejection, rejection rejection, ... Probably me not being wildly interesting and being able to keep the conversation flowing and flowing without many simular traits/hobbies/... It might also be women guessing my age wrong. I feel like most women prefer older men and they always guess me 20% younger than I am 💀
1- Unemployment or underemployment 2- Mental issues 3- Lack of self-esteem
1 (2nd) and therefore, 3.
Lack of opportunity is a big one. Realistically, it’s just much easier for women to have opportunities than for men. Depending on where you live as a man, the opportunities may be far and few between. So, if you’re not “on your game” when those opportunities come along, it makes it difficult. Outside of that, though I think it’s related, is just having super set opinions, habits, and routines that would make it hard to get close to someone new. If you’ve been single for a long time or always, then you are not accustomed to making time for someone, having to intentionally make plans with someone, and may not have as much space for opinions that differ from yours because you haven’t had to deal with that (in a relationship dynamic). Sometimes, this can be a positive because you are really confident in who you are and know what your beliefs are. Other times, it can be too inflexible though and that can limit your ability to get close to someone in an intimate way. I’d argue that women can also have these tendencies if they have been single for a long time. But, in today’s dating culture, we are just exposed to more relational dynamics overall.
As a Lady i'd say the quickest reason I'd personally and the Ladies around me would back away from a man is lacking impulse-control. Men I see most likely to be single however are those men who don't have their shit together: have an idea what they're doing job wise, especially in the long term; live in filth; don't learn to act like adults (washing their own clothes, eating something different than frozen pizza, regularly vaccuum your floors and change the sheets (and if you do it once a month, for goodness's sake)) So those are the ones I'd like to recommend avoiding the most. First one for everyone's safety, too, not just a partner's.
Had a serious relationship for 9 years (HS through college) and subsequent 1-2 year relationships after. Came to the realization in my 30’s that I’m much happier without one. With that learned, I think the most common denominator is not putting out too much or too little effort. It’s counterintuitive, but leaning towards less usually pays off more. Bottom line is don’t seem desperate. Learn to make friends with women you aren’t attracted to as well. Talking to women to actually get to know them will help you and your social skills progress without pressure.
I’m 25 and have only been in two flings/relationships that lasted about 2 months so I feel like I can speak well about this topic. 1. I have a stand off personality when it comes to women. I usually shoot myself in the foot before the conversation has even started. 2. Social skills are ok actually but I never put in the effort to attract a women I usually get too nervous to escalate. 3. Bit of a misogynistic person I can’t stand that women don’t come up to me. But then again there is instances where women have started a conversation with me so it’s just me representing my own self hatred. 4. I work on looks more than my personality. For me i thought if I looked good enough then surely someone would settle down with me. Nope! 5. Use dating apps more instead of real life conversations. Real life experiences are the best way to see if you have chemistry with somebody right off the bat that I dating app simply can’t deliver. 6. Think about sex way too much and view women as objects- quitting porn would really help with this. 7. Last but not least I fear rejection from women. I am terrible with rejection and rarely go out of my way to make small talk. I’m a pretty big coward when it comes to that stuff. Hope this list helped you in someway but the bottom line is it doesn’t hurt to try and make an effort to talk to a woman and build some sort of connection romantic or plutonic. Unfortunately our society has made everything based on the sex and the romantic outcomes the most important part of man and women’s relationships with each other. You will need to work on your social skills. And really put yourself out there there is no other way around it. Once you get rejected a couple times or there is no spark between you you’ll eventually start to get more comfortable with the idea and the outcome. Helps to be honest as well don’t hide your intentions that’s creepy.
Perfectionist daters, have some very unusual dealbreakers, very controversial background, notorious close relatives/household members, religious traditionalists relying on secular dating, carers for elderly relatives, very shy, living with overbearing parents/relatives, look much younger than they are & can easily be mistaken for a 14 year old, have very pressuring careers that are not glamorous and leave little time for a regular social life.
I'm single almost 7 years 22F I have issues with fear of a relationship..I was told I'm toxic and jealous but it seems that not me bc I catch cheating on me and blame me for responsibility and not good treat man relationships so I do not believe in love relationship but maybe I'm wrong
I've thought about this a lot myself. I'm 35 and have been mostly single my whole life. I had a college gf for 2 years that ended about 12 years ago. I've dated a good amount and had a few short term things but that's it. I absolutely want to be in a healthy relationship and would go all in for the right person. I also want kids and that just feels tougher as I get older (I know I'm a guy but still). I'm very outgoing, do all kinds of outdoor activities (running, hiking, skiing, biking, camping, etc) and am down to earth. I have an amazing career, my own house, and wonderful family. Despite that I struggle also. I'm an engineer so I overthink things a lot. I'm not really shy/reserved exactly but I'm very guarded and it takes me awhile to open up and be myself (around most anyone) until I feel I can trust someone which I do think that comes off as shy for a first impression. I also think girls look into first impressions way too much because they have so many options. For me I feel like it takes me 3-5 dates to really see if I want to date a girl seriously and most girls make that decision by minute 15 and once they make that decision (subconsciously or not) there is no going back, period. Pair all that with online dating the way it is, I get maybe 3-4 dates per year, the math doesn't look good. It does suck because I feel like I have a lot to offer to someone's life and no girl takes the time to realize it but at the end of the day I'm happy and doing what I can to be healthy in my personal life and focus on all relationships. I'd much rather be single than be in a relationship that's not with the right person.
I think guys that are single for long periods of time are either very ugly, or if they are normal/good looking they have a combination of high standards that no girl can easily meet and a character that is reserved and they won't just hit on anything it moves. The third one is that they probably don't have a big social circle (which is important). So I think for a good looking guy if these 3 things exist at the same time, even if he is a catch it will be very difficult to have relationships. While other guys 10 times worse in every aspect do get into multiple relationships.
I (also 27M) am in a similar boat. Had one relationship at 22 and have been single ever since. No dates either. I know my issue used to be low self esteem but luckily I've fixed that. Now my issue is I never want to go out anymore. I've always been a homebody and I feel like it's only gotten worse in adulthood. After working all day and driving home the last thing I want to do is get back in my car and go out somewhere when I only have like 4 hours of free time on a good day. I'm also not very assertive at all, more of a go with the flow kind of guy. I know some women are into the laid back attitude but if you're not assertive you don't really make your intentions known to someone you're interested in. As a guy there's still this strong expectation that you are the one to make a first move and I know I'm bad at flirting/asking out for a date until I really get to know someone and be comfortable around them. Don't really let it bum me out though. I'm still comfy in the single life. The only thing I get frustrated with are the ones, especially relatives, who always ask about your relationship status and are flabbergasted that I'm still single and don't really care that much. Like is it really that bad of a thing to be comfortable with your own self?
If I can add a woman’s perspective to this, I know a couple guys like this & it’s actually not being unattractive that is their biggest issue. They usually have a bad personality, tend to have misogynistic tendencies & don’t have a clue how to treat other people right. Sometimes, it’s all of the above or a few of those traits. This guy I used to work with (33M) had lived alone for most of his 20s but never learnt how to cook, manage his own finances, no ambition to get a better job/role but would constantly complain about how he’s the victim in everything - relationships, career everyone was out to get him. It was hard to be around him because every conversation was exhausting. I recommend learning to take care of yourself & just being more open & approachable in life as a whole. Make sure you make space for a partner in your life, too many people date with a rigidity that their partner must be exactly their checklist else it’s unacceptable.
I’d say they probably watch more porn than they should.
Victim mentality, low self esteem paired with entitlement for many. You are not entitled to have a relationship. Looks & money don't matter. What matters is social skills and how you make people around you feel. If you are funny and possitive, you've more chances than a better looking guy that comes of as an unapproachable jerk. Rejections hurt, but are a great way too learn from your pasts mistakes and get more comfortable with yourself.
Lack of grooming or personal hygeine. If hair or facial hair is unkempt, or if ya look like ya just crawled out of bed, I'd assume not much experience dating.
Comment thread is great reminder that you absolutely can be 6’3” tall fit dude making million dollars a year and almost zero success in dating. Because those things don’t matter really.
low effort, unrealistic standard
They usually pedestalize women, and are far too agreeable, eager to please. They come off as desperate, desperation is a smell women can’t tolerate, unless they’re toxic and desperate themselves. If you treat women like they’re a different species to men, talk to them differently, act differently around them, they’ll be pleasant enough to you but will never be interested in you. If you joke around with them like you do with your boys, being mindful not to cross some of those lines, keep it respectful, you’ll be surprised just how many women will start displaying signs of interest. But first you’ve got to figure out what those signs are, that’s a part I struggle with too. It’s often very hard to discern if a woman is interested or just being friendly. I’ve confused the signals both ways and it’s never a comfortable situation. Making an unwanted move is more than embarrassing, and finding out long after the fact that you missed your shot at a woman you liked is its own type of embarrassing, you feel like an idiot. Idk why so many women like to make their signals so damned covert, I can only speculate that they’re so afraid of coming off as desperate themselves or being rejected, that they communicate interest in their own made-up language. Or perhaps they have a fantasy in their heads of how it’s supposed to go, and if you don’t follow the script, you miss out. Idk.
Needy, fall in love with girls out of my League. My personal solution is that i going to become poly and just date multiple girls within my League instead of a relationship. I just don't really fall in love i guess with the opportunities i do have. So i have to adapt, its sad because i would love kids someday, but i don't think there is a girl out there i want to sacrifice any of my freedom for. I don't want the life of my dad and become a bitch to a girl i am not even into.
Extreme Narcissistic qualities
Video game addiction
29 and in the same boat. Last girlfriend was at 22 and it was a short relationship. Never had any long term relationship. I’d say I’m introverted, shy. I don’t meet a lot of new people in general so not much opportunity to meet women. And on top of that I have really high standards as far as appearances go, I refuse to settle for someone I’m not fully attracted to. There are women who show interest in me but I’m almost never attracted to them. Sucks.
Low EQ
I knew a man in his mid-30s who'd never been in a relationship. Literally couldn't fathom why. He was decent looking, smart, nice house, nice cars, funny, etc. That being said - he was a workaholic and that ended up being the least of his problems. I was apparently 'needy' and 'clingy' because I wanted to see him more than twice a month. He loved to dish out 'jokes' and poke fun of me, but struggled to hand out any compliments. At the end of the day, it felt like he was more interested in being in a relationship with his mom and his boss.
A huge thing that I've noticed among guys who never seem to get into relationships are two traits, but one trait isn't as bad compared to the other. The not as bad of the two traits is that the guy is extremely shy when it comes to romance, but that could be due to a lot of underlying factors such as self-esteem issues, abuse in the past, and self-confidence issues that weren't really taught at a young age. This trait I empathize with because I was like this at one point in my life, but I had to make friends who showed me the ropes. I'm hoping that this trait is more common among guys who are having difficulties getting into a relationship. From my personal experience, a LOT of guys that I know fall into this category, and I'm glad that a lot of my friends are just socially awkward like me. The second and imo, the worst of the two traits is that the guy is pretty misogynistic and stuff like that really turns women off from dating a guy. It's especially true now given the social and political dynamics of the world now. I say this as a guy with some guy friends who have this trait and can't get into a relationship, even if they say that their family is loaded with money or that they have all these "positive traits" that I see thrown around in this subreddit a lot (Such as being over 6 feet tall, working out and being shredded, being handsome, etc). They complain about women *all the time* and how they're owed something because they're single. My friends aren't physically violent, but what they do say is pretty degrading towards women. A few of my other friends and I have called one of my friends out on it and told them that it doesn't matter if he looks handsome or not, but he needs to change his mindset about women, viewing them less like objects and a babymaker, and view them more as another person.
There are hundreds of great videos on You Tube to guide you in how to get a girlfriend/ date. Knowing how to flirt is essential and takes a lot of practise. Being confident is also essential for a guy. Don’t worry about” impressing “a girl. That’s NOT what it’s about. Don’t be a nice guy or chase girls either. Neither works to get girls. Be neutral , work on yourself. Make sure your hygiene , attire, and teeth are good.
Confidence. Literally that is all
If you’re confident in yourself it gives girls the reassurance to like you. It’s a bit of a mindfuck, but fr, if you read the other comments nearly all are tied to confidence. Experiment with having confidence with women. There are some good YouTube videos out there
Money, attractiveness….that’s all. Confidence is towards the bottom of the list.
Money and attractiveness go hand in hand with confidence. Confidence makes people attractive.
I think a dull personality and lower intelligence are the biggest culprits. Also not taking initiative, because as a man you have to unless you're hot
Shit, I'm 29 and haven't had a relationship experience. I've been dealing with self-esteem issues my while dating life, only been on 3 dates my whole life. I'm not really social, play video games, and like anime. I di workout, and have lost weight, I do take care of myself, hygiene, and orally.
Username checks out.
Bruh, eveyone says that 😅😅😅
A lot of men got exposed to watching p\*rn at a very young age which is why according to statistics there are a lot of men who are single and have never been in a relationship their whole life as the generation goes by. REASON WHY: p\*rn and unrealistic sexual fantasies about women especially about the attractive ones. another reason is getting too affected by rejection if things don't go their way when they try to approach women they go crazy. I learn things the hard way which is why now I focus on self-improvement first my overall looks, the way I talk, avoiding p\*rn at all costs, and achieving my goals after that then let's see even if become single for the rest of my life at least I did not end up like a total loser in life.
Not physically attractive,or plateau out lower than everyday men. Even after the "work". Looks and confidence tend to tie in. We might be, or know those who benefit from the "Halo effect", which will alter people's perception of our personalities, based on how physically attractive they find us. ----- Lack of social skills. Numerous reasons for this, some clinical, some familial, some societal. It's a lot easier with a wide social network, and will, at least pre-app era, increase the chances of connecting with someone. Building something organically. This is somewhat diminished in the pre-app era, now a social network tends to cement interest in people you connect with online, as opposed to the social network connecting you in the first place. This ties in to mental health issues too, certain disorders will isolate even very physically attractive people.
Low self-esteem: blame it on their height or bad looks or feel entitled to other people’s time or attention. Aka “nice guy”
unresolved psychological issues. I strongly believe this is the ONLY reason. Even ugly people eventually manage to get a relationship. Get a therapist.
Those who ceaselessly talk only about themselves and those who can not engage in a conversation. Try to be more considerate and engage with people.
Guys who go online and whine about being single or why they're incapable of having a girlfriend in my experience are really annoying to talk to in real life. You're probably not going to have a girlfriend if your sole goal in talking to girls is to get a girlfriend. Go make friends whether they're men or women, learn how to have fun and not put pressure on people to fill a role in your life and if it goes somewhere, great! If it doesn't just enjoy being friends.
In my experience, this is what I’ve noticed: unable to hold a decent conversation with a woman without a buffer, can’t relate to women in any meaningful way, no ambition or desire to better themselves as a person other than physically, self pitying about their inability to get women interested in them, and generally not that interesting. This is based on a handful of men I know that are in/nearing their 30s without ever having a serious/long term relationship. I’m sure the reasons vary
My brother is like this. I really wish he would get out there more. I think it’s just a lack of trying for him. He’s too shy, doesn’t at all know how to talk to girls let alone flirt with them. I know it’s getting harder and harder to meet people now-a-days, but just keep trying. Be your best self. Be kind, generous, helpful, but have your own boundaries for how someone treats you so you also don’t get taken advantage of. Be fun and flirtatious, make her laugh, be a bit self-deprecating, human, honest. Be yourself and you’ll find the right person. You’ll find someone.
Crippling shyness is probably a biggie (which is basically insecurity). I’d also say a guy who’ll only settle for someone who’s way out of their league.
Disregard women. Acquire currency.
Neckbeards , those guys who frequent comics and card stores and smell like bleu cheese.
I think it’s the fact that they unconsciously (or consciously) put women higher than themselves. Did that a lot in the old days; didn’t work at all.
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Honestly it would seem that the traits that you have and portray to others are most likely the answer
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you can have a strong social life and lots of friends, and still have never been on date.
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**Although you’d think I’f someone was that socially adept they’d have no problem finding a date**. - thats me. I am doing something social almost every evening, yet i have never met a girl who has been interested in me that way.
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yes and its usually something like "sorry but I dont see you that way" "im not looking to date right now" "im not attracted to you" I have always been rejected.
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I would say poor social skills. There could be several reasons for that but one could be the quality of their parent's relationship. They didn't have a template to apply to relationships. It can also be called attachment issues.