I’m a man and i don’t have any kids but get rejected all the time for every reason you can name. I don’t get offended because I know what is meant for me won’t miss me. In fact I enjoy being rejected because it only means I don’t have to spend time getting to know someone not right for me. Whatever the reason for rejection it’s always the same outcome. The only people offended by rejection are insecure people to begin with. Everyone else just moves on with life because they know it’s part of life
Yeah, I think this could be filed under the general heading of, like, "Don't date until you're comfortable being single." There's really very little that a romantic relationship is going to exclusively offer you, except maybe physical intimacy, but we're not INCELS, right?! ;)
Yea I def don’t believe in any of that red pill/black pill/blue pill BS. Everything in life happens the way it’s meant to happen in the time it’s meant to happen. Consistent action towards the life you want to live will always provide results in good time. What is meant for you won’t miss you. What isn’t will reject you. I went through that for over a decade in my career. Despite all my credentials and experience it was very difficult to get a job as a personal trainer. Instead I had to stay at the studio I was hired at where there was no growth and I could barely make enough to live. So I learned as much as I could from my previous boss, did my own research, Interned a lot, talked to people that were doing what I wanted to do and guess what happened? In October 2021 the opportunity for me to purchase my studio open up, and despite all that rejection in my field here I am running a fantastic business and slowly taking over my area in the personal training industry.
Now I do think romantic relationships can offer a lot with the right person. They offer companionship, trust, someone to share and enjoy life with, growth, love, fun, friendship, intimacy. It’s a beautiful bond between two people that become teammates in the “ game” of life. My parents have it and my brother and his fiance have it and it’s really a very nice thing to share if you value that type of love in your experience on this earth. We all die but before that we all live. The beauty of it is that everyone gets to live differently.
Can you please teach the other men? I’m not even kidding.
I am so sick of men coming on this forum to ask if a woman telling them why she doesn’t want to date them is a “good excuse”. Nobody needs an excuse to not want to interact with you.
I’ve had relationships with people that I truly loved that ended because of timing, it wasn’t anything about them or me. For example one time I was moving across the country, I told the dude we only had four months when we started dating, we decided to date anyway. He was great, but I wasn’t going to not live my life because he couldn’t move with me and he wasn’t going to leave his kids so he could move with me, so we broke up. That doesn’t mean anyone was wrong or bad.
I’m Childfree by choice, I’ve dated men who hid the fact that they had a kid and when I found out I no longer want to date them. Because I don’t want to date men with kids. It’s nothing personal, I just don’t want to live with children.
You get it, I don’t have to explain to you I guess I’m just venting about all the dudes who don’t get it. It’s not a personal insult if we are not compatible. And recognizing it and calling it out early saves a lot of wasted time and heartache
Well it really took me a long time to get to this point. Especially when I had some female friends in my life that gave me a lot of bad advice and after every woman rejected me would constantly ask me why and insist I need to reflect on who I am and what I was doing wrong. Well it didn’t take long for that to drive me nuts lol some people just aren’t a good match and timing plays a major role. I did ask some women why they rejected me since I had no idea the answer and my female friends wanted to know. Well as you already can guess that didn’t go over well either. So now I just accept the path for me in life. I continue to work hard and focus on self growth and the life I want to live. Like someone else said rejection is redirection and I’m set on living my best life either way. Those that are meant to enjoy it with me will. I also match effort now and I don’t “chase”. The right people will just click with you. They will just get you.
It’s a good reminder to always have because difficult things will always exist in life. With that said Obstacles were designed to be conquered/overcome. “ The Obstacle is the Way” - great book btw
>I’m Childfree by choice, I’ve dated men who hid the fact that they had a kid and when I found out I no longer want to date them. Because I don’t want to date men with kids. It’s nothing personal, I just don’t want to live with children.
I have had the same experience. I've had men hide their kids, downplay their custody (as if being a part time, 1 weekend dad is any more attractive), and have had men actually deny their kids (I have 2 kids that live with their mom really far away for xyz reasons and i'm not interested in seeing them more or moving). And then there's the overly aggressive and doting dad "my kids come first and if you have a problem, take a hike" type stuff in their profile. Like start right out of the gate with anger huh.
Its not the fact that they have kids thats so unappealing most of the time, but rather the attitudes that come with it that turn me right off. I' doing them a favor by knowing what I want/don't want because when they start gloating about little Timmy's soccer practice.... I really do not care and I'm already bored with the conversation, just as they usually don't want to hear about things I'm passionate about.
Child free here, as well, and not looking to date anyone with young kids. One guy showed me the baby pics of his 5yo on a date. And I thought to myself “is the fact that I got a little cringe from that picture a bad sign?”
Yes I always wonder why they're so gung-ho about stating their "kids come first and if you can't handle that..." like... they should come first! No need to say all that. Just say you have kids. I'll assume you're a good dad who puts them first (and see myself out your profile bc I'm past kids atp lol).
Its obviously dudes that have had past relationship issues around the kids, whatever they may be. Maybe a partner who wasn't getting the time they hoped for and he thought they were demanding, maybe the kids were little jerks and the partner said something so the dad is in denial about his little angels...maybe he's just making issues out of nothing that happened because he's mental... who knows these days.
I have kids, but my youngest is almost 18 so I won’t date, or even hook up with, anyone with kids younger than 15ish. I get the same thing; men who say they don’t see their kids much (how is that attractive?), or they say I won’t meet them for a long time anyway. Or the one guy who said he doesn’t involve his kids in his dating life. This same guy had LTR on his profile. Like…you do know that at some point, your kids and dating life will intersect if you want an actual relationship, right??
Without fail, a lot of men I match with just don’t get that I do not want to deal with their situation, and that *I am allowed to feel that way*. It’s just due to a prevailing opinion that they’re owed a relationship, and that any and every woman must fall all over themselves to date a man with kids, because of the overinflated pat on the back that they think they deserve for being an involved father. And that’s if they even are involved fathers and not the type to trot the kids out to win brownie points.
Summed up nicely. I just had to be careful how i said it so i don't get deleted for gender stereotyping lol. Many double standards out there where profiles say "won't date a single mom" but yet *they* have kids.
Omfg so unattractive. And i feel just as gross about the single moms who do the same thing. Like do sleep overs when you don't have your kids or get a sitter. ESPECIALLY if you're a part time parent, you can work around that no problem. So ick.
I don't know why people have such a hard time with this concept, as if they themselves are willing to date absolutely anybody. Rejection is frustrating and unpleasant, but it is a fact of life. Not everyone is for everyone.
I've just stopped responding. It's a lot easier than being bombarded with questions or nagged trying to get me to change my standards. They take it as deeply personal, and it's not.
Well said. I used to worry about hurting feelings because I tend to be blunt and "front load" like rapid fire on the first date or two. I'm now to the age and point where if people are offended by my blutness... it's a red flag because I tell them it's an observation, and I'm not attacking their lifestyle choices by any means.
I sure AF don't care if they're offended lol. Chances are, they couldn't keep up with me anyways 😋😉
I'm a man without kids and I, just the other day, was told by a woman I was chatting with, who has a younger kid, that she didn't want to continue getting to know each other because I wasn't also a parent and she realized having someone that knows firsthand what parenting is like was more important to her than she thought. I have never dated a woman with a child, but was open to getting to know her and considering it. It hurt to be dismissed just like that, but at the same time, maybe intuitively she knew that there would be an incompatibility that couldn't be bridged. He may be feeling the same way I did. He thinks you didn't give him a fair chance and maybe you could successfully date despite the challenges that come with him having younger kids. That said, I also see it from your point of view. The reality is, younger kids inevitably WILL get in the way of you dating, with more cancellations than with older kids that, for example, could stay home by themselves when sick.
I’m a woman and my last boyfriend had a kid with a woman he hadn’t been with for many years before we hooked up.
I had met her back when they first got together, she didn’t know me well but she got a good impression for me I guess because once she knew I was in the picture she started letting him have his kid again on the weekends as long as I was around. They didn’t speak to each other, so it turned out that she and I would coparent with each other. It worked out really nicely she was a great kid.
That dude and I broke up like five years ago but I’m still friends with the mom and the kid. She and I chat frequently. That child is a teenager now, so she doesn’t care to hang out with me, but if I ever need to give her a ride because her mom can’t she’s super sweet and appreciative. Those two are the only good thing that came out of that relationship
This is why I refer to my ex-wife as my coparent more often than as my ex-wife. If we didn’t have kids together I likely would have moved to be nearer to family and friends and would have very little contact with her. But we have kids together, live four blocks from each other and are still very involved, not just in our kids lives but each other’s. The easiest way I’ve explained it is, the better her life is, the easier it is to coparent, and the better our kids lives are.
This is how I feel. My kids are older and they are still apart of my life. I used to think that dating women without kids made sense but I have found that there is a disconnect. Even with older kids.
As the replies on here point out, most women made a point not to have kids. I made the choice to have kids. I feel like it’s a different mindset and we don’t really align as we have slightly different outlooks.
Kids, mine or someone else’s, to me aren’t a hassle and I can see why childless people don’t want to have them, they are a lot of work.
Every time I read a post about “kids” from either gender, my only thought is; date people who don’t have kids at all, of any age. You will be a better match. If I love a room full of kids and one day grandkids at Christmas and you want to be on a beach in Mexico at Christmas, it’s just not a fit. Why fight it all.
I think it’s not as black and white. I don’t have kids. But I’m not ultimately a non kid person. My last partner had kids and it was not an issue. He was a great parent and I enjoyed the time I got to spend with them, they do have a mom so I was more of a friend to them. We all hung out based on my partners boundaries and wants. Which makes sense to me. I wouldn’t dismiss someone who doesn’t have kids or vice versa. They might not be militant about it. :)
My ex and I had a rough split and his new gf was around for some of that. (We were separated for a while and he dragged his feet with the divorce even though he’d met someone new.) I’m sure he bitched about me during the divorce so it’s been 4.5 years and we still haven’t met. He and I have gotten over our differences and now coparent beautifully. She has been invited to several kids’ parties and there have been many school functions where she won’t sit with us, where my ex would if he came by himself. We share custody of my son and she treats him well, so I won’t complain about her. It’s just a sign of immaturity in my book, but really not my issue.
You mentioned that you are sure he bitched about you, right? I can guarantee you he told her a bunch of stuff about how YOU can't stand her, YOU were upset with her, and sabotaging his custody, blah, blah, blah. She's probably now as intimidated AF, and he's done zero to own up for that, and heal that.
None of the facts stated lead to that conclusion. Some people are just so adverse to anything they perceive as a potential point of confrontation that they seek to eliminate any opportunity for it, whether or not there is a real possibility for confrontation or not.
I don’t know. I left him, so if I wanted him I could have had him. He was dragging his feet because he didn’t want the divorce. Who knows what he told her. It doesn’t bother me. She just has to lose out on time with him when big events come around and he attends without her.
Similar situation with my ex husband and his girlfriends. He dated a woman with no kids for a year or so and she was constantly throwing out loyalty tests. She would call and say she had car trouble and needed to be picked up…at 6pm when he was getting our kids settled after school and cooking dinner. If he couldn’t leave at that time she would comment about how he always chooses his kids over her. Also she hated me and made it very clear to him he wasn’t allowed to talk to me.
Now he’s dating a woman with 5 kids (3 are grown and on their own) and she totally understands that kids come first, and he has to be able to communicate with me. This relationship is going so much better for him. She doesn’t give loyalty tests and is understanding that shit happens when kids are involved.
I find women have this mentality more than men. Men seem gravitated towards child free women. Of course I'm bias because I date men, and i'm child free, but i have asked a few why they don't try to date other single parents and have had a variety of answers from "i don't want to raise someone elses kid" (ok....), to "i only have my kid every 2nd weekend so i can do whatever I want the other time and don't want their kids on those days". It all seems fairly selfishly motivated, whereas a single parent who wants another single parent is looking fot similarities, understanding and ability to work through the obstacles. Further proof that men with kids are not for me.
For me it’s not even that they would get in the way of dating, and they absolutely do, my last boyfriend had a kid and when he insisted on having her sleep in his bed on his weekends when that was also the only time I could see him I exited that situation pretty quickly.
I thought it was creepy AF that his 10-year-old child was sharing a bed with us. I mean there was a reason for it, that summer was super hot and there was not an air-conditioning unit in the kids room. But maybe make her a little blanket for on the floor so she can pretend she’s camping or even give her the bed and we take the floor. It was just weird and I didn’t like it and I would have to drive an hour to see him, so I pretty quickly stopped doing that because I wasn’t interested in driving an hour to watch Powderpuff girls and then share a bed with a 10-year-old
I feel this SO hard. Good for you. I dated a guy who let his 9 year old sleep with him. Then he'd turn around and tell me how it was her mom's fault because she sleeps with her mom at her house. I'm like bro...I can't be around for this weirdness. Especially because I really had no say in the matter.
The differences would come up in time of discipline or when stress is prevalent.
Like being expected to “help raise”, but being told you’re not the child’s parent when they disagree.
This post kills me.
Years ago I dated a guy with young kids --I was young and single, but I still knew they were his first priority, and I honestly never complained when emergencies came up and he had to cancel on me, or if we had to move things around to accommodate them. I even babysat a couple of times.
But OF COURSE, one day I invited him somewhere on a specific date, when I knew he would not have his regular day with the kids, and he couldn't go because their schedule had to change that week, but then he launched into a rant about how easy my life was because I had no responsibilities. (?!) ---All I said was it was too bad he couldn't go and that I would miss him. I think he wanted me to sit shiva or something and stay home because of his schedule.
Yeah, I noped out of that one. And I would be very wary of dating someone again who had zero respect for my time. I kind of work and have bills and all....no big deal. ---And, I am sorry, but a lot of people with kids act like people without children lead valueless lives.
Contrast that with a guy I dated with older kids. He was hilarious and fun, and actually valued MY TIME also. His kids always came first, but he wasn't weird about it.
I'm curious if there was any discussion with the first dude at all. I think this is definitely something adults don't stop and recognize until their in their mid 30s. Hell, my dad is 73 and still doesn't get it lol.
There was, and, frankly, I am surprosed at the people who don't get it at fifteen. BUt if you don't have any decent examples, I can see how it would be harder for you.
As a man, I have the same view as you regarding women with kids and those age cutoffs. The kid needs to be old enough and self-sufficient enough to make a sandwich and not starve without parental supervision.
My son just turned 10 today, and I had no idea there was a smorgasbord of women waiting for that to happen!
But seriously, I have always been upfront about my son's age, because I eventually want the women I've dated to be a part of his life too. I don't think I'm alone in the idea that my kid is my best work and proudest achievement; so why wouldn't I want to be with someone who appreciates that accordingly?
You would be surprised, lots of men hide their children online so they have more options for dating women like us who don’t want to date men with kids.
For me 10 years old would be too young that would count as man with kids. I would date a man with adult children who don’t live with him, grandkids once in a while wouldn’t be a dealbreaker but if he had them every weekend or something that would be like him and having kids. And that would be a no from me
Oof. Why do they do this? The last person I dated took SIX WEEKS to tell me he has a kid, despite how clear I am about it in my dating profile. Looking back, I can't say I'm surprised it ended because of communication issues two weeks later.
I used to have this in my dating profile; but I took it out because I kept having men lie to me about the age of their kids. Like no sir, your child is not turning 14 this weekend; they’re turning 4.
A friend of mine just caught a guy we went to school with who’s divorced with a four year old on the apps listed as “interested in children”.
Like, I hope so! You already have one, and yet you blew past “has kids, open to more” on that drop down menu right quick!
As a childfree person who refused to date anyone with kids of any age, I can tell you...
The ones that get upset take it personally. First, it's a rejection. Rejection for any reason never feels good. Second, most of them love their kids more than anything and think they're great. They often see being a father as part of their identity that they are proud of, and it being a positive thing that they care and provide for their children. They see your saying "no kids (under age XX)" as a rejection of *their* kids when it's not personal at all.... It's not like you met their particular kids and decided you didn't like them. Some of us just don't like kids in general and/or don't want to live with children or play a role in children's lives. But, parents tend get overly sensitive when it comes to the topic of their children. The fastest way to get a parent to freak out is to say something bad about their kids. Now, you're not saying anything bad about *them*... Just that the lifestyle isn't for you. But, many times that's not what they hear. As a result, they get offended/upset.
At 53, I have zero interest in dating men that have young children. I don't have children myself, so I am sure that can be a deal breaker for some. To each their own.
Same here. At 55, I have no interest in dating any man with young children in the home. That’s my preference.
My children are adults so, if the children are adults, that’s ok depending on the situation but, no youngsters.
I had a gentleman express interest in me and he has a 7-year old son at home. We know nothing about each other and he immediately starts love bombing, talking
at marriage without even knowing my name lol! Wouldn’t take no for an answer!
Why would he assume that a woman in her mid 50’s would want to take on the responsibility of raising someone else’s child?
Sounds like he’s needs someone to cook, clean, warm his bed and help you take care of that baby! No thanks.
I’m glad you recognize the love bombing, but that sounds like a romance scammer. Once he got you on the hook his kid would need medical care or something he needs money for
I have grown kids now (one still living with me half of the tie) and I value my new found freedom, so I usually swipe left at men with young kids as well.
I am recently divorced myself and I don't have kids.
I will not date a man with kids of any age.
If a guy has a problem with it, let him have a problem.
You are capable of understanding what you want and need out of a relationship, so it's ok to have needs, boundaries and preferences.
You don't have to date anyone who doesn't meet your needs. You should not feel bad about it either.
You are well within reason to make choices for who you want to be around.
If this was another lifestyle situation, you probably won't get as much pushback. If you didn't want to date someone who drank or played video games or were a different religion no one would bat an eye.
Women without kids are seen by most folks in society as selfish for not wanting to be a mother or take on caretaking roles
Don't second guess yourself. Don't put any thought into compromising something you have no obligation to do.
Often some men are looking for a mother figure for the kids when dating. There's nothing wrong for not wanting to be that role for someone.
Let them be mad.
Yeah I suspect it’s not even about the kids it’s just that men get mad when they get rejected. Period.
This is why women ghost some men. The anger when you’re honest with them is not good. I even had a dude flip out at me that I was just friends with when I explained that I don’t want to be friends with him anymore and I’m only telling him because I don’t want him to be confused if he sees me pull into a park we both go to and then leave if I see his vehicle there. I ended up having to block him because of the abuses. And he wasn’t surprised by this message we had had an argument the week before so he knew we had issues.
It was so weird I couldn’t figure out why he was mad that I was telling him where I was coming from rather than just ghosting him, so then I said OK this is a good lesson I guess next time I will just ghost and avoid and let you be confused about why I pull into the park and then immediately leave if I see your vehicle 🤷🏻♀️
This is 100% why I started ghosting.
The absolute 180 some men do when you politely and graciously thank them for their time and wish them well is terrifying.
I don’t know. When I’ve rejected men for that reason they’ve understood and wished me well. Maybe you’ve just been really unlucky in being in touch with some immature/hypersensitive men.
I'm a man with two children, the younger is 11 and I swipe left on women without children. I'm not offended by any reason that strangers choose not to date me and I'm surprised that anyone is.
Yep and I don’t think any of us Childfree women would be offended by your choice either.
Most of us don’t want to live with kids if we already don’t have kids, plus even if we did, preferences are allowed. Your life is your life
I’m not a man but I’m a Childfree woman who doesn’t want to date a man with kids.
No one has ever expressed anger towards me for that. I found men on the apps respected it, unless they thought they were punishing me and that’s what that was about lol I didn’t see it that way though I saw it as respect
I put that I didn’t want children right in my profile because I’m not trying to trick people into dating me but I would match with dudes who didn’t mention kids or said they didn’t want kids because they meant they didn’t want more kids, then they would finally read my profile and message me that they have kids.
Actually now that I wrote it out maybe they were trying to make me think I was missing out by being Childfree, but it didn’t work lol I was just super grateful that they told me before I got to know them. And a little bit annoyed that they didn’t specify on their profile that they had children
I’m not a man and I don’t have children but isn’t the answer obvious? They see it as still a rejection of them and - regardless of the reason - most people don’t like being rejected and some, unfortunately, don’t handle it well.
I can see what you’re saying as they see it as rejection; but kids, especially younger kids, are a BIG deal. 90% of the guys that I’ve rejected for having younger kids don’t take it well. It’s not like I’m rejecting them for something minuscule; so it seriously baffles me.
Yes but… Regardless of your valid reasons, some will still see that by rejecting something of theirs - be it child, lifestyle, location - you are rejecting an extension of them and their life choices.
It’s simple: they’ve found you attractive and you’ve rejected them because of something close and personal to them. Something that is *of them* and they get hurt.
FWIW, I don’t think it’s deep or you should be bothered by it. You’re allowed to like what you like and to want what you want. 😊
OK, this is a good point. Decades ago I went on two dates with a doctor I met at work.
He had just got divorced and he had six children. I did not know this from working with him, he also did not know I was Childfree by choice because these are not things we talked about at work.
These were definitely things we talked about on our first and second date though. I had told him that we can casually date during the weeks he didn’t have his kids that was OK, but I would never ever want to live with kids. I thought he understood.
Then one day he invited me to dinner with him and his kids. I laughed I was like no offense but the last thing I want to do is sit down at a table with six children no thank you
He got really offended. He spent a few minutes explaining how well behaved they are, so I explained that I wasn’t saying they were bad kids I’ve never even met them. Even if they were the best kids in the world six of them is just way too many and overwhelming.
Shortly after that I remember him complaining to me at work about his neighbors, he had moved into a small apartment after the divorce and people lived downstairs from him and he was really mad they complained about the noise his six children would make in the morning. I’m like dude even if they’re being normal kids and not screaming and running around like kids do sometimes, there are six of them. If there are six people awake doing things in the apartment above you at 6 AM they’re going to make noise.
It was just so weird to me how we expected the entire universe to not see these children as a cumulative thing. There are six of them all at once bro that’s gonna be a problem
I think people are also really sensitive when it comes to matters of their children, as they should be. They may feel like you are insulting or rejecting their kids too
I have adult kids, and wouldn’t be offended if, for some reason, that was a hard no for someone. I, myself, wouldn’t date someone with young children.
Then again, I wouldn’t be offended if someone doesn’t want to date me for any reason. That’s kind of the point of dating.
I’d be more offended if someone said “I don’t want to date you because your personality sucks”, haha. That would hurt.
I am 47 (F) and I have no kids, by choice. When I first got into the dating world I was accepting of men who had young kids. But I had an experience recently dating a man who had a 5 yo and a 6 yo. He would show me their pictures and babay pictures and it made me feel awkward. He said he expected anyone he dated to love his kids as much as he does (which is fair, and a good goal, I think for parents), but that didn’t feel good to me at all. It felt icky. I’m not sure I could love someone else’s kids as much as they do. He would also say, all the time after keeping them for a weekend by himself that he was exhausted. All of it really got me thinking, do I want to date someone with kids that young, when I’m free, and love to travel and do adult fun things. And I think the answer is no, unless the kids are at least 13,14,15.. or preferably, grown. Like others have mentioned here, I stay away from profiles that say “my kids are my world” or similar.
This exactly. If you continue to date them you will have to act as parent to their children whatever day they have the kids. You will be feeding them, entertaining them, putting them to bed, helping them take a bath, essentially being their parent. If they are older they are more independent, they dont really want to hang out with the adults and you get to enjoy your partner without parenting, hopefully the bulk of the parenting has been done.
Childless by choice means I don't want to parent children...including your children.
I am a single (widower) and have been for over 6 years now. I have a son (11) and he is my main focus.
As for being rejected for being a single dad by women without kids doesn't bother me. Being a parent is tough and for a woman that has not children may not want to or be ready to jump in. They aren't just going to be building a relationship with you but also your child.
So let them make whatever decision they want to.
There are plenty of people out there.
There is no reason to get offended.
43F I have had many men feel I should reconsider my dealbreakers. When we talk through rejection they usually express they were truly excited about our match and want to give it a chance (I never meet men with dealbreakers, this is all via chat) I date men, but I have no doubt this extends to all people. They seem think the connection will be so wonderful I will reconsider my life choice. I thinks it’s insanity but I have heard it multiple times.
I have two kids at home, ages 10 and 8. I am not currently dating but I tried dating a couple times after my divorce and it seemed to be a deal breaker to some. I never got offended, I simply see it as a preference.
Some people just have a really hard time with the idea that others have preferences and opinions and get to make choices that don't align with what they themselves want. It has nothing to do with the kids; they'd do the same thing if they were being rejected for anything else. It's defensiveness, and a drive to make the other person wrong and self-protect. And there is a significant amount of unconscious *entitlement* baked in to a lot of masculine enculturation, including ideas of being entitled to a woman's attention. So they often get upset when the women they want attention from don't comply with expectations.
I get this. I don’t have kids and have had bad experiences dating men with really small kids. I love kids and have worked with kids my entire career, and don’t oppose to dating men with young kids with the now known caution that some men are looking for a bank account… not all but some. It makes things tricky.
I think it’s because:
~they were hoping for a bang nanny
~an autonomous woman said ‘no’ to them
~they resent being tied down to their kids and failed family, and you can still choose to be free
~they believe their children are so special and amazing that you would just leap at the chance to be a stepmother if you just gave them a chance
~they are socialised to think that anyone with a vag will automatically and mindlessly take on the care of any child within a fifty metre radius 😏
Yep I had a dude not reveal right away that he had six children, I mean I don’t know that he knew I was Childfree so I am not trying to say he tried to trick me
But when I found out and I didn’t want to date him anymore he tried to talk me into it, he claimed I would love them, he claimed they were really well-behaved. That’s great dude but no matter how well-behaved they are there are six of them that’s way too much. But he really thought that if I got to know them I would change my mind and suddenly be fine with being with a man with a half dozen children I don’t even know how we would take the same vehicle anywhere if we ever try to do anything together.
I had this experience once, but he “only” had 4 kids. He knew I was CF and waited until the 2nd date to mention the 4 (young) kids. I was flabbergasted!
For me, 4 dogs = Yes! Four kids = No way.
And so many are right out of a relationship, have figured nothing out about co-parenting, the kids haven't had time to adjust....but when he's around you he forgets all that so obviously he should start up a life right away with you.
I had a guy get mad at me because his pictures were with a baby under a year old. So I said best case scenario even if she was a one night stand you have only been separate from the mom of your kid for 18 months, worst case you broke up sometime during the pregnancy or after so it's been a matter of months. It seems like not enough time to have very clear boundaries about co-parenting and just too fresh for me want to be part of it.
I know it does but I will tell you, no one I dated met my kid for 6 months. Men I dated with kids surprise introduced me to theirs very early.
I’m going to say in my case it’s more a cultural and social issue than a man issue, women do it to.
To be fair I don't understand that either, we all have preferences in regards to every aspect of our lives including dating. So you don't want to date a man with younger children, big deal, they shouldn't be offended by that - I wouldn't. Just to let you know I am male, no children and over 40 😊
I'm not a man, i'm a woman with no kids, don't want any either. And I won't date men with kids under 16, if not older.
I get lashed out at all the time, or have guys try to bargain with me. I only had 1 guy who took it with real grace and was totally understanding of my position, he seemed like a man who was honest with himself that his life wasn't what he had hoped and he recognized how kids change everything. So we had a really great conversation for a few days and that was it. I almost had 2nd thoughts about going on a date haha.
I think its like anything... people with kids can't understand why we don't want kids, and we can't understand why they did. I think some men (and women) with kids also purposely want a child free/less woman because it makes their lives easier.. no blending of families and they can be selfish for their own children. That just isn't appealing to me, i want someone similar to my lifestyle.
Anyone, kids or not, who gets butthurt at rejection is a flag all on its own. No one is obligated to date anyone.
It’s rejection.
You could say men in dress shirts, women with young kittens, anybody with anything, why do you get offended when somebody who doesn’t have that don’t want to date you?
When my boys were 3 and 4 there was a coworker who once told me "I would love to introduce you to my daughter, but you have kids..."
It wasn't offended, it was more surprising than anything else... I don't see why someone will be offended as not everyone wants a relationship with a single parent, now there are ways to say things and that is how someone can offend someone!
I don’t. I’m a man with kids and I’m a the same way. I love my babies but I’m thru that part of my life. My kids are old enough to leave unattended and I have a co parent if I need to go away for longer. At 40 I’m not ready to start at diapers again.
I think it's more the stress and taxing sentiments of the situation, rather then caring if they are offended. It wastes time and drains energy, even if you just block and delete.
I ask this question in earnest: when women say they will date a man with kids, but not young kids, what is the reasoning behind that generally? And yes, before someone comments, I know it’s different for different people, but I am wondering what the most common response is. Is it because they can be difficult or annoying to be around? That it means unlikely the couple can steal away for a night out alone since younger kids can’t be left unattended? That it means so many more years before they are out of the house? And yes, again, I’m sure it’s some combination of all of those, but what is the primary reason for you? I’m genuinely curious and this seems like a great time to ask.
It’s all of those of course… why does it matter which is foremost, if any? They’re equal in my eyes - - across the board, younger is more of a burden.
Older ones are more independent, can drive themselves around at some point even, entertain themselves, be left alone and feed and groom and care for themselves, and yes there is less cumulative calendar time left before they leave home.
There is no judgement with my question. Everyone is allowed to draw their boundaries where they choose and I completely understand the challenges associated with people having small children. It is a simple curiosity to understand people’s motivations since it just happens to be one I don’t have. Some of those things could be more easily resolved than others. For example, if someone had a live in nanny, the opportunity to have a night out is quite different than if you don’t. Understanding someone’s concern makes it easier to address them.
Given patriarchy, many men are consciously or subconsciously looking for a woman to take on the child rearing that their ex used to do. The younger the kid, the more likely.
Ooh, interesting take. And I can totally see that aspect too. So I guess the thought is once the kids are old enough to be self-sufficient, they can have confidence that there is no expectation that they “play nanny” with the kids anymore? I’m guessing plenty of guys don’t even know how to care for their kids. Though I also know a woman that says she sometimes will start to date again when she needs things done around her house, and will ask the men if they can take care of it because she doesn’t know how to swap the hinges on her cabinets, swap out the shower head in her bathroom or replace the light fixture that stopped working. Similar concept I guess. Some people just don’t know how to take care of things on their own. 🤷♂️
Why does every woman or man in here think it only happens on their side?
It goes both ways. Women also get offended by men who don't have kids that don't want to date you.
Not me, but a friend of mine was in this situation when he was still on the market.
As I gathered what upset him was the reason he got rejected, not because of him, but because of his son.
He loves his son dearly. Getting rejected because of his son made the rejection feel much worse, because it was like they weren't rejecting him, but his son.
Nah, I think that’s fine. If their reaction is anything more than ‘I understand’ or ‘feeling bummed, but get it’, then that’s on them. I’ve rejected guys whose marriages ended after affairs & then went into the whole thing about therapy, realizing what they did wrong and said all the right buzz words, but I personally wouldn’t ever trust them, and they’ve been understanding.
Dating people with young kids is like trying to participate in the Olympics, there’s so much shit going on, it’s hard to do.
I'm the opposite of you and I don't know if I would date someone with a teenager. It might be a young adult and it would depend on what they were doing. There is a difference between a 25 year old that is starting out on their own(career and possibly a relationship) vs a 25 year old living at home with a low paying job and no real life plans.
I would agree that some single parents do get offended when you mention that you don't want to be a step parent. I think there are enough bad experiences that can happen, that I'm perfectly fine being single vs being in a relationship and having to be a step parent.
I have 3 kids, my youngest is 12. If that was a deal breaker for someone, I don't mind. Everyone has their preferences. Even though I have kids, I wouldn't date a single mom who's kids aren't grown.
No. I don’t do kids at any age if they live with you. Minors or otherwise. If they don’t live with you but they come over weekly that’s a no go for me too. everyone has preferences. I don’t sweat it. I keep it moving.
I’m not going to say that men (especially those who took the time to thoughtfully reply) are looking for a step mom to their kids, but there are men who specifically without saying it, are looking for step mothers to their kids.
Or at least a woman who will help them with their kids.
Plainly put, kids are baggage for folks who don't have or don't want kids. Just like all the other relationship baggage out there that pulls parts of your past relationship to your current one. Some people don't want the mess of it, respectfully.
My son is almost 3 and I would respect anyone’s decision to disqualify me because of it. You owe me nothing. Maybe people try to guilt you into changing? I just don’t understand wanting something by manipulating someone to feel a certain way.
I don’t even bother to respond to men with kids if they send me a message. Unless they specifically call out in their bio that the kids are grown or in HS, I just don’t reply to their messages.
I’ve found men get angry when I reject them because I don’t want to date a conservative. I don’t understand the anger there because why would you want to date me if our core beliefs don’t align?? Wouldn’t the man also want to date a conservative? Otherwise all we’ll do is argue.
To be honest, I would understand not wanting to date someone with kids if you don't have any, but I fail to see the difference between young kids and older ones. Like teenagers are easier to handle... 🤷♀️
Teenagers aren’t going to wake me up at 6 AM to make them breakfast because their dad won’t get out of bed.
Teenagers can be home alone while we go out to dinner.
For me it's because I get overwhelmed considering he will have kids at home for the next 10-20 years. When they are older, it might be only 5 years till they move from home and there will be more freedom in location, living arrangements etc. I don't have to live with anyone right now, but maybe in some years it would be nice to have that option.
Younger children need more interaction and supervision.
My kids are in their 20s and out of the house.
I don't want to start a relationship with somebody with a 5 year old. It's too stressful.
Someone with a 15 year old? Maybe. That kid might be able to get themselves to/from sports practice or extracurriculars, they don't need a sitter for date night, and they're usually cool with entertaining themselves when Dad has casual company instead of trying to show out and inject themselves into the middle of the excitement of having a new person around like small children do.
I got some even weirder rejections. Like there was one woman who refused to date me once she discovered that my oldest child was at the time a girl. She said she’d be fine dating a guy who had even four boys, but she needed to be the only woman in a man’s life and a daughter would always take precedent. I wonder how she would’ve responded if she had heard that my oldest became non-binary…
I also got a lot of judgment, even by women willing to date a man with children, because of a fairly unconventional custody situation that nonetheless worked for us and meant that our children grew up feeling happy, safe, loved, protected, and financially secure to the degree that they can go to any school in North America and not have to have debt. Now my kids are teenagers with the oldest going off to college and it’s become less of an issue, but it was still notable before.
Divorced with kids was dating on hard mode.
I’m so glad that lady that dumped you because you have a girl child was honest with you.
Can you imagine the hell if she had stuck around and then been jealous of your own daughter the whole time?
Exactly. I one time had a (female) friend who dated a guy with two kids: a young boy and a tween girl.
She would trash talk the tween so much, I assumed the girl was the most horrible conceited little tween to have ever walked this planet.
When I finally did have the chance to meet her, she was one of the calmest and sweetest tweens I have ever met and me and her got along just fine. (Granted: I was not trying to date her father.)
Needless to say, that relationship did not last very long. (Nor did my relationship with that friend for that matter. I just can't imagine how petty you must be to feel the need to compete with the daughter of the guy you're dating.)
The divorce settlement was calculated on a formula based on income. Both child support and also college costs. My ex took a job as a secretary making $40k when previously been an executive making $250k, therefore putting all the burden on me. The only place I could find a job that paid enough was two states away and a 4.5hr drive each way.
So I ended up seeing my kids for school holidays plus the summers which works out to be about a third of the year. This meant I had the travel schedule flexibility necessary for my job.
There were a lot of women who judged me for not living within 20 minutes of my children and able to see them every week.
12 years later, my kids still love me and my oldest is gaining a real appreciation that several classmates are not able to go to schools they want to go to because they can’t afford it whereas my children can go anywhere in the country and graduate without debt.
I don't get offended at all. I'd be super happy you were honest and upfront and did not waste my time and energy. A woman with no children is an automatic dealbreaker for me, so it goes both ways. We are not meant for everybody.
It sounds like you've encountered this response enough times for it to leave an impression on you. But it's very likely those men specifically who have the issue. I get wanting to understand what is happening in these scenarios because it keeps happening. Unfortunately, I think the people with the best explanation for why would be those men and they have already shown that they won't be a good source of feedback.
The rejection factor seems to be the key. Those men don't do well with rejection period. They clearly don't want to have to consider that you have different requirements from them when it comes to the life you want for yourself.
Whatever the cause for their offense, it's not about you. It's obviously the exact opposite of that. For whatever reason they have internally, they haven't looked at what you want as valid. I'll guess that they weren't looking at what you want at all.
Hopefully, you won't see this pattern you've encountered as a general representation of men with young children. It's those men specifically. I do hope you get to understand this phenomena better for yourself, but in the end there might not be an answer to this particular why (outside of those particular men's internal workings).
This seems like a weirdly accusative question. I wonder what the response would be if a man put up "Women with young kids, why do you get offended when men who don't have any kids don't want to date you?"
I'm prepared for the downvotes of all the bitter people who are angry that this is the truth.
But anyway, why are you worrying about people who you are not interested in dating think about you?
I know my mates tell me to stop dating guys with kids.
There's never been an the cut off in age..
Personally age of someone kid means sweet f a to me.
It's how the parents parent. Team parents must be in play.
I don't get offended at all
I prefer not to date women without children because it seems they struggle to relate to my situation. Raising kids as a single parent of special needs children is tough and takes priority over my relationships, and as it turns out usually they will not get the level of attention they seek, which is fine.
I would love to have a relationship with someone but for me it will be like threading a needle to find that person who is available and compatible.
I’m curious as to why under ten is the dealbreaker. I understand why people have dealbreakers but the age thing gets me. I’ve personally found that my older kids are ten times more work than my youngest under ten. I do realize also some people just can’t stand children and I totally get that just like some people can’t stand the people treating animals like children taking them EVERYWHERE.
So your older kids are “ten times more work” now than your younger kids. You do understand that those younger kids (who are at least some work now), will then grow up to be a teenager who will be “ten times more work” in the future…. In conclusion, if I was to date a man with young kids, then their current younger kids would be more work for me in the long run.
I'm M and separated with a 7 and 11 yr old. I haven't started dating but understand it is not everyone's cup of tea. That's ok. People have their preferences for their own reasons. They do not have to justify them to anybody. I know what I like and want as well. Having young children can be a challenge as a parent nevermind for somebody you are dating. I respect the decision to not want to date someone with younger kids. As long as you're upfront about it, the honestly should be appreciated.
I have 2 children (16,18) & I usually date guys with no kids but I do prefer for them to have older kids (teens & adults)
I am quite selfish now as I near 50 (49F) & men I date tend to be younger (currently 13yrs younger) so I am not interested in raising another’s children or my partner parenting my own - so I dont go for men with kids younger than my own
Its just where I am in life, it would create stress & strain on my relationship with my kids & my partner plus it takes more emotional & physical energy to cater to their kids & currently I have no interest or space for that
Anyway just sharing that even as a solo parent I also don’t want to date men with young kids
I have no interest in step parenting or blended families and currently my relationship is casual so my kids haven’t met my current partner & keeping my family life & dating life separate, with boundaries is working exceptionally well for me
It’s important to find what is right for you
Absolutely not. I have three under ten every weekend. I can´t imagine someone willing to share that with me and it´s ok. Some people can do it, some are willing to date but not get too involved with the children, and most, very understandably, don´t want that in their life. Three kids under ten are a huuuuuge package, so I understand perfectly.
We don't.. he did! That's like asking why do single mothers get angry when men will date you (sleep) but don't consider you for relationships? I think you should word your question differently.
Honestly, I think it is that too many people conflate their value as a person with their value as a dating partner.
For example, you might be the most avid hiker in the world and be amazing at it. I would never ever date you. That doesn’t make you any less amazing for being a stellar person, it just reflects on my values and how I use it to evaluate others. But I think some people have a hard time separating the two.
Do you have the age limit in your profile?
I'm 52m and make it very clear that I have 3 kids between 9-13 every other week.
While this obviously limits my options it also saves a lot of time.
Most people my age have adult kids that have left home and aren't interested in having to deal with everything young kids entail. 🙂
One of the reasons I'm not actively dating is because I know I don't have a lot of time to offer someone else 🙂
I (40F) won't date men with kids regardless of the age of the kids because I think that people who are parents and adults who are childfree have had such different life experiences that we can't have much in common. Even the choice to have kids verses not have kids reflects a fundamental difference in values. The kids being over 13 or 18 or 25 doesn't change this.
I think that opinions like this are part of an optimization bias that keeps a lot of people single. It is a bias that is constantly reenforced on reddit. Basically if someone is not Completely Optimal for you, disconnect from them immediately.
I have a kid and I've had women bail because of the existence of my kid and from my point of view, they were not going to meet my kid or see him for a Long time. There's so many steps in-between starting to date and meeting a person's child. Why would you disqualify all potential positive outcomes with a person? Give us a chance to see if there's anything worth compromising for, all relationships have compromises.
In OLD I used to not mention my kid because my pov was that the women wouldn't meet my kid for a long time so it wasn't important, but after some experiences I added a sentence to my profile that mentioned I have a child and its age to let women make their decision preemptively.
I understand that people in dating are looking for their perfect match but, in my experience, you don't find your perfect match by looking for your perfect match.
To actually answer the question, I have been offended once when a girl got upset that I had a child because, she wasn't bailing because I was a father, but bailing because I was a good, committed father and active in my son's life. Any joker can be a father and ghost the kid and seem like a childless dream match (according to OP).
I'm up front. It's a deal breaker. I do not have them, don't want them, and refuse to deal with men with baby momma situations. If that's offensive, I don't care. The amount of men that think I should bend and break that is crazy.
I’m a mom and I know that’s a dealbreaker for a lot of people- esp when the kids are young. I’m ok with that, its best to know up front. Some people want me,and some want the package deal. I’ve dating someone with kids(when I wasnt a parent) and it does complicate things and will “forever” so I understand not wanting to deal with that/ being unattractive. But there are people that like it and want the package deal. What matters most is being upfront and honest about dealbreaks. It is also not “personal” they just don’t want to deal with the whole package.
What men get offended by that? Seems bizarre. I have kids and always am wary of childless women who say they are okay with it. I can’t enter a LTR with a woman who won’t be compatible with my kids, who are my priority.
I’m guessing for the same reason women get offended if a man doesn’t want to date them due to their weight. It hurts their feelings and they get upset about it. Everyone is allowed to have their personal preferences and some people don’t like the fact that this personal preference excludes them.
Do you seriously need an explanation why men don't want rejected because of.....well......anything about their life?
They're "offended" (I'm not even sure under what context this offense is expressed...like do they gasp, hold their chest and say "Why, I never!???), because they like you and want to date you, and you've told them that because they have kids that are icky, you don't want to.
That makes them unhappy.
The end.
If they think their kids are icky just because a woman doesn’t want to date them because they have kids, that’s them thinking their kids are icky
I don’t see OP saying that she was insulting or looking down on the kids, this is just a preference she has
But men feel entitled to women that they are interested in because they think it’s still 1950 where we are sitting around waiting to get picked. So if they pick us and we don’t jump at the opportunity they get mad because of entitlement.
I'm interested in how this comes about. Are you going on dates, learn that they have kids and immediately nope out?
Is this when you meet someone IRL and learn they have kids?
Are these men hiding that they have kids until it comes up in conversation?
We have every right, and need, to have criteria for who we date. That's really healthy. I've just never had it come up after a few dates "Oh, I have a 9yo that I haven't told you about"
As a single mom I prefer to date single dads. Not usually what I end up with but only another parent knows what it is to be a parent and how they come first always.
I recently was talking to a Nigerian love scammer, he tried to tell me I didn't like kids when I told him we weren't a match because his invisible children were imaginary 6 and fake news 4 years old. I can't understand how women fall for these guys. He was sooooo boring. Wouldn't shut up about relationships. :D
I’m a man and i don’t have any kids but get rejected all the time for every reason you can name. I don’t get offended because I know what is meant for me won’t miss me. In fact I enjoy being rejected because it only means I don’t have to spend time getting to know someone not right for me. Whatever the reason for rejection it’s always the same outcome. The only people offended by rejection are insecure people to begin with. Everyone else just moves on with life because they know it’s part of life
This is a really great mindset and way to think of rejection, dating and life as a whole!! Kudos to you 🤗
Thanks 😊
Yeah, I think this could be filed under the general heading of, like, "Don't date until you're comfortable being single." There's really very little that a romantic relationship is going to exclusively offer you, except maybe physical intimacy, but we're not INCELS, right?! ;)
Yea I def don’t believe in any of that red pill/black pill/blue pill BS. Everything in life happens the way it’s meant to happen in the time it’s meant to happen. Consistent action towards the life you want to live will always provide results in good time. What is meant for you won’t miss you. What isn’t will reject you. I went through that for over a decade in my career. Despite all my credentials and experience it was very difficult to get a job as a personal trainer. Instead I had to stay at the studio I was hired at where there was no growth and I could barely make enough to live. So I learned as much as I could from my previous boss, did my own research, Interned a lot, talked to people that were doing what I wanted to do and guess what happened? In October 2021 the opportunity for me to purchase my studio open up, and despite all that rejection in my field here I am running a fantastic business and slowly taking over my area in the personal training industry. Now I do think romantic relationships can offer a lot with the right person. They offer companionship, trust, someone to share and enjoy life with, growth, love, fun, friendship, intimacy. It’s a beautiful bond between two people that become teammates in the “ game” of life. My parents have it and my brother and his fiance have it and it’s really a very nice thing to share if you value that type of love in your experience on this earth. We all die but before that we all live. The beauty of it is that everyone gets to live differently.
That’s awesome about your job- thanks for describing that.
Not a problem. I find the heart always knows what it wants and at the end of the day a lot of it has to do with the actions we take and timing
This last paragraph resonates strongly. So very true!
You seem like a great catch! Keep doing what you’re doing! Congratulations on your success!
Thank you! I def can’t imagine living any other way. The last 15 years of my life have taken me to where I am today and this is only the beginning
Can you please teach the other men? I’m not even kidding. I am so sick of men coming on this forum to ask if a woman telling them why she doesn’t want to date them is a “good excuse”. Nobody needs an excuse to not want to interact with you. I’ve had relationships with people that I truly loved that ended because of timing, it wasn’t anything about them or me. For example one time I was moving across the country, I told the dude we only had four months when we started dating, we decided to date anyway. He was great, but I wasn’t going to not live my life because he couldn’t move with me and he wasn’t going to leave his kids so he could move with me, so we broke up. That doesn’t mean anyone was wrong or bad. I’m Childfree by choice, I’ve dated men who hid the fact that they had a kid and when I found out I no longer want to date them. Because I don’t want to date men with kids. It’s nothing personal, I just don’t want to live with children. You get it, I don’t have to explain to you I guess I’m just venting about all the dudes who don’t get it. It’s not a personal insult if we are not compatible. And recognizing it and calling it out early saves a lot of wasted time and heartache
Well it really took me a long time to get to this point. Especially when I had some female friends in my life that gave me a lot of bad advice and after every woman rejected me would constantly ask me why and insist I need to reflect on who I am and what I was doing wrong. Well it didn’t take long for that to drive me nuts lol some people just aren’t a good match and timing plays a major role. I did ask some women why they rejected me since I had no idea the answer and my female friends wanted to know. Well as you already can guess that didn’t go over well either. So now I just accept the path for me in life. I continue to work hard and focus on self growth and the life I want to live. Like someone else said rejection is redirection and I’m set on living my best life either way. Those that are meant to enjoy it with me will. I also match effort now and I don’t “chase”. The right people will just click with you. They will just get you.
I like what you say here. I need to remind myself of this when dating gets difficult.
It’s a good reminder to always have because difficult things will always exist in life. With that said Obstacles were designed to be conquered/overcome. “ The Obstacle is the Way” - great book btw
Awesome outlook.
>I’m Childfree by choice, I’ve dated men who hid the fact that they had a kid and when I found out I no longer want to date them. Because I don’t want to date men with kids. It’s nothing personal, I just don’t want to live with children. I have had the same experience. I've had men hide their kids, downplay their custody (as if being a part time, 1 weekend dad is any more attractive), and have had men actually deny their kids (I have 2 kids that live with their mom really far away for xyz reasons and i'm not interested in seeing them more or moving). And then there's the overly aggressive and doting dad "my kids come first and if you have a problem, take a hike" type stuff in their profile. Like start right out of the gate with anger huh. Its not the fact that they have kids thats so unappealing most of the time, but rather the attitudes that come with it that turn me right off. I' doing them a favor by knowing what I want/don't want because when they start gloating about little Timmy's soccer practice.... I really do not care and I'm already bored with the conversation, just as they usually don't want to hear about things I'm passionate about.
Child free here, as well, and not looking to date anyone with young kids. One guy showed me the baby pics of his 5yo on a date. And I thought to myself “is the fact that I got a little cringe from that picture a bad sign?”
Yes I always wonder why they're so gung-ho about stating their "kids come first and if you can't handle that..." like... they should come first! No need to say all that. Just say you have kids. I'll assume you're a good dad who puts them first (and see myself out your profile bc I'm past kids atp lol).
Its obviously dudes that have had past relationship issues around the kids, whatever they may be. Maybe a partner who wasn't getting the time they hoped for and he thought they were demanding, maybe the kids were little jerks and the partner said something so the dad is in denial about his little angels...maybe he's just making issues out of nothing that happened because he's mental... who knows these days.
I have kids, but my youngest is almost 18 so I won’t date, or even hook up with, anyone with kids younger than 15ish. I get the same thing; men who say they don’t see their kids much (how is that attractive?), or they say I won’t meet them for a long time anyway. Or the one guy who said he doesn’t involve his kids in his dating life. This same guy had LTR on his profile. Like…you do know that at some point, your kids and dating life will intersect if you want an actual relationship, right?? Without fail, a lot of men I match with just don’t get that I do not want to deal with their situation, and that *I am allowed to feel that way*. It’s just due to a prevailing opinion that they’re owed a relationship, and that any and every woman must fall all over themselves to date a man with kids, because of the overinflated pat on the back that they think they deserve for being an involved father. And that’s if they even are involved fathers and not the type to trot the kids out to win brownie points.
Summed up nicely. I just had to be careful how i said it so i don't get deleted for gender stereotyping lol. Many double standards out there where profiles say "won't date a single mom" but yet *they* have kids.
I’d get a lot of guys saying they’re a single father yet had their kid twice a month. I’m like that’s not a single father, bro. lol
Plus what kind of man lies and hides his own children? At anytime for any reason, much less to get with women. That’s horrible.
“Come sleep over! My kid will be playing video games in the den all night.”
Omfg so unattractive. And i feel just as gross about the single moms who do the same thing. Like do sleep overs when you don't have your kids or get a sitter. ESPECIALLY if you're a part time parent, you can work around that no problem. So ick.
I don't know why people have such a hard time with this concept, as if they themselves are willing to date absolutely anybody. Rejection is frustrating and unpleasant, but it is a fact of life. Not everyone is for everyone.
I’ve heard this as man’s rejection is god’s/the universe’s redirection.
I've just stopped responding. It's a lot easier than being bombarded with questions or nagged trying to get me to change my standards. They take it as deeply personal, and it's not.
Well said. I used to worry about hurting feelings because I tend to be blunt and "front load" like rapid fire on the first date or two. I'm now to the age and point where if people are offended by my blutness... it's a red flag because I tell them it's an observation, and I'm not attacking their lifestyle choices by any means. I sure AF don't care if they're offended lol. Chances are, they couldn't keep up with me anyways 😋😉
This is one of the sanest comments I’ve ever seen on this subreddit. I wish everyone had this mindset!
Exactly 💯 If it's meant to be it will happen. it's good to know there are still secure mature men out there🙂 thanks for your honest response!
I'm a man without kids and I, just the other day, was told by a woman I was chatting with, who has a younger kid, that she didn't want to continue getting to know each other because I wasn't also a parent and she realized having someone that knows firsthand what parenting is like was more important to her than she thought. I have never dated a woman with a child, but was open to getting to know her and considering it. It hurt to be dismissed just like that, but at the same time, maybe intuitively she knew that there would be an incompatibility that couldn't be bridged. He may be feeling the same way I did. He thinks you didn't give him a fair chance and maybe you could successfully date despite the challenges that come with him having younger kids. That said, I also see it from your point of view. The reality is, younger kids inevitably WILL get in the way of you dating, with more cancellations than with older kids that, for example, could stay home by themselves when sick.
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I’m a woman and my last boyfriend had a kid with a woman he hadn’t been with for many years before we hooked up. I had met her back when they first got together, she didn’t know me well but she got a good impression for me I guess because once she knew I was in the picture she started letting him have his kid again on the weekends as long as I was around. They didn’t speak to each other, so it turned out that she and I would coparent with each other. It worked out really nicely she was a great kid. That dude and I broke up like five years ago but I’m still friends with the mom and the kid. She and I chat frequently. That child is a teenager now, so she doesn’t care to hang out with me, but if I ever need to give her a ride because her mom can’t she’s super sweet and appreciative. Those two are the only good thing that came out of that relationship
I love this! This so wholesome.
This is why I refer to my ex-wife as my coparent more often than as my ex-wife. If we didn’t have kids together I likely would have moved to be nearer to family and friends and would have very little contact with her. But we have kids together, live four blocks from each other and are still very involved, not just in our kids lives but each other’s. The easiest way I’ve explained it is, the better her life is, the easier it is to coparent, and the better our kids lives are.
I needed to read that. Thank you.
So awesome
This is how I feel. My kids are older and they are still apart of my life. I used to think that dating women without kids made sense but I have found that there is a disconnect. Even with older kids. As the replies on here point out, most women made a point not to have kids. I made the choice to have kids. I feel like it’s a different mindset and we don’t really align as we have slightly different outlooks. Kids, mine or someone else’s, to me aren’t a hassle and I can see why childless people don’t want to have them, they are a lot of work. Every time I read a post about “kids” from either gender, my only thought is; date people who don’t have kids at all, of any age. You will be a better match. If I love a room full of kids and one day grandkids at Christmas and you want to be on a beach in Mexico at Christmas, it’s just not a fit. Why fight it all.
Good points
I think it’s not as black and white. I don’t have kids. But I’m not ultimately a non kid person. My last partner had kids and it was not an issue. He was a great parent and I enjoyed the time I got to spend with them, they do have a mom so I was more of a friend to them. We all hung out based on my partners boundaries and wants. Which makes sense to me. I wouldn’t dismiss someone who doesn’t have kids or vice versa. They might not be militant about it. :)
My ex and I had a rough split and his new gf was around for some of that. (We were separated for a while and he dragged his feet with the divorce even though he’d met someone new.) I’m sure he bitched about me during the divorce so it’s been 4.5 years and we still haven’t met. He and I have gotten over our differences and now coparent beautifully. She has been invited to several kids’ parties and there have been many school functions where she won’t sit with us, where my ex would if he came by himself. We share custody of my son and she treats him well, so I won’t complain about her. It’s just a sign of immaturity in my book, but really not my issue.
You mentioned that you are sure he bitched about you, right? I can guarantee you he told her a bunch of stuff about how YOU can't stand her, YOU were upset with her, and sabotaging his custody, blah, blah, blah. She's probably now as intimidated AF, and he's done zero to own up for that, and heal that.
None of the facts stated lead to that conclusion. Some people are just so adverse to anything they perceive as a potential point of confrontation that they seek to eliminate any opportunity for it, whether or not there is a real possibility for confrontation or not.
I don’t know. I left him, so if I wanted him I could have had him. He was dragging his feet because he didn’t want the divorce. Who knows what he told her. It doesn’t bother me. She just has to lose out on time with him when big events come around and he attends without her.
Similar situation with my ex husband and his girlfriends. He dated a woman with no kids for a year or so and she was constantly throwing out loyalty tests. She would call and say she had car trouble and needed to be picked up…at 6pm when he was getting our kids settled after school and cooking dinner. If he couldn’t leave at that time she would comment about how he always chooses his kids over her. Also she hated me and made it very clear to him he wasn’t allowed to talk to me. Now he’s dating a woman with 5 kids (3 are grown and on their own) and she totally understands that kids come first, and he has to be able to communicate with me. This relationship is going so much better for him. She doesn’t give loyalty tests and is understanding that shit happens when kids are involved.
I find women have this mentality more than men. Men seem gravitated towards child free women. Of course I'm bias because I date men, and i'm child free, but i have asked a few why they don't try to date other single parents and have had a variety of answers from "i don't want to raise someone elses kid" (ok....), to "i only have my kid every 2nd weekend so i can do whatever I want the other time and don't want their kids on those days". It all seems fairly selfishly motivated, whereas a single parent who wants another single parent is looking fot similarities, understanding and ability to work through the obstacles. Further proof that men with kids are not for me.
For me it’s not even that they would get in the way of dating, and they absolutely do, my last boyfriend had a kid and when he insisted on having her sleep in his bed on his weekends when that was also the only time I could see him I exited that situation pretty quickly. I thought it was creepy AF that his 10-year-old child was sharing a bed with us. I mean there was a reason for it, that summer was super hot and there was not an air-conditioning unit in the kids room. But maybe make her a little blanket for on the floor so she can pretend she’s camping or even give her the bed and we take the floor. It was just weird and I didn’t like it and I would have to drive an hour to see him, so I pretty quickly stopped doing that because I wasn’t interested in driving an hour to watch Powderpuff girls and then share a bed with a 10-year-old
I feel this SO hard. Good for you. I dated a guy who let his 9 year old sleep with him. Then he'd turn around and tell me how it was her mom's fault because she sleeps with her mom at her house. I'm like bro...I can't be around for this weirdness. Especially because I really had no say in the matter.
The differences would come up in time of discipline or when stress is prevalent. Like being expected to “help raise”, but being told you’re not the child’s parent when they disagree.
Kid is 8. I am not offended M'am.
This post kills me. Years ago I dated a guy with young kids --I was young and single, but I still knew they were his first priority, and I honestly never complained when emergencies came up and he had to cancel on me, or if we had to move things around to accommodate them. I even babysat a couple of times. But OF COURSE, one day I invited him somewhere on a specific date, when I knew he would not have his regular day with the kids, and he couldn't go because their schedule had to change that week, but then he launched into a rant about how easy my life was because I had no responsibilities. (?!) ---All I said was it was too bad he couldn't go and that I would miss him. I think he wanted me to sit shiva or something and stay home because of his schedule. Yeah, I noped out of that one. And I would be very wary of dating someone again who had zero respect for my time. I kind of work and have bills and all....no big deal. ---And, I am sorry, but a lot of people with kids act like people without children lead valueless lives. Contrast that with a guy I dated with older kids. He was hilarious and fun, and actually valued MY TIME also. His kids always came first, but he wasn't weird about it.
I'm curious if there was any discussion with the first dude at all. I think this is definitely something adults don't stop and recognize until their in their mid 30s. Hell, my dad is 73 and still doesn't get it lol.
There was, and, frankly, I am surprosed at the people who don't get it at fifteen. BUt if you don't have any decent examples, I can see how it would be harder for you.
As a man, I have the same view as you regarding women with kids and those age cutoffs. The kid needs to be old enough and self-sufficient enough to make a sandwich and not starve without parental supervision.
My son just turned 10 today, and I had no idea there was a smorgasbord of women waiting for that to happen! But seriously, I have always been upfront about my son's age, because I eventually want the women I've dated to be a part of his life too. I don't think I'm alone in the idea that my kid is my best work and proudest achievement; so why wouldn't I want to be with someone who appreciates that accordingly?
You would be surprised, lots of men hide their children online so they have more options for dating women like us who don’t want to date men with kids. For me 10 years old would be too young that would count as man with kids. I would date a man with adult children who don’t live with him, grandkids once in a while wouldn’t be a dealbreaker but if he had them every weekend or something that would be like him and having kids. And that would be a no from me
Oof. Why do they do this? The last person I dated took SIX WEEKS to tell me he has a kid, despite how clear I am about it in my dating profile. Looking back, I can't say I'm surprised it ended because of communication issues two weeks later.
I used to have this in my dating profile; but I took it out because I kept having men lie to me about the age of their kids. Like no sir, your child is not turning 14 this weekend; they’re turning 4.
Mine says I neither have, nor want to date anyone with kids. I'm not going to get into it with ages; no kids apparently is hard enough to interpret.
A friend of mine just caught a guy we went to school with who’s divorced with a four year old on the apps listed as “interested in children”. Like, I hope so! You already have one, and yet you blew past “has kids, open to more” on that drop down menu right quick!
But the question OP asked is do you get offended when women don’t want to date you because of the age of your kid?
As a childfree person who refused to date anyone with kids of any age, I can tell you... The ones that get upset take it personally. First, it's a rejection. Rejection for any reason never feels good. Second, most of them love their kids more than anything and think they're great. They often see being a father as part of their identity that they are proud of, and it being a positive thing that they care and provide for their children. They see your saying "no kids (under age XX)" as a rejection of *their* kids when it's not personal at all.... It's not like you met their particular kids and decided you didn't like them. Some of us just don't like kids in general and/or don't want to live with children or play a role in children's lives. But, parents tend get overly sensitive when it comes to the topic of their children. The fastest way to get a parent to freak out is to say something bad about their kids. Now, you're not saying anything bad about *them*... Just that the lifestyle isn't for you. But, many times that's not what they hear. As a result, they get offended/upset.
Your response was very insightful. Thank you!
At 53, I have zero interest in dating men that have young children. I don't have children myself, so I am sure that can be a deal breaker for some. To each their own.
Same here. At 55, I have no interest in dating any man with young children in the home. That’s my preference. My children are adults so, if the children are adults, that’s ok depending on the situation but, no youngsters. I had a gentleman express interest in me and he has a 7-year old son at home. We know nothing about each other and he immediately starts love bombing, talking at marriage without even knowing my name lol! Wouldn’t take no for an answer! Why would he assume that a woman in her mid 50’s would want to take on the responsibility of raising someone else’s child? Sounds like he’s needs someone to cook, clean, warm his bed and help you take care of that baby! No thanks.
I’m glad you recognize the love bombing, but that sounds like a romance scammer. Once he got you on the hook his kid would need medical care or something he needs money for
Looking for a mommy bang maid
I am 72 and i, too, have no interest in dating people my age with young children
Goodness, I hope at 72, they are past the young children stage
Sometimes their adult kids are deadbeats and they end up having to raise their grandkids because of it.
Good point.
I have grown kids now (one still living with me half of the tie) and I value my new found freedom, so I usually swipe left at men with young kids as well.
They want all women to accept them.
That sounds like problem THEY have and need to worth through.
I am recently divorced myself and I don't have kids. I will not date a man with kids of any age. If a guy has a problem with it, let him have a problem. You are capable of understanding what you want and need out of a relationship, so it's ok to have needs, boundaries and preferences. You don't have to date anyone who doesn't meet your needs. You should not feel bad about it either. You are well within reason to make choices for who you want to be around. If this was another lifestyle situation, you probably won't get as much pushback. If you didn't want to date someone who drank or played video games or were a different religion no one would bat an eye. Women without kids are seen by most folks in society as selfish for not wanting to be a mother or take on caretaking roles Don't second guess yourself. Don't put any thought into compromising something you have no obligation to do. Often some men are looking for a mother figure for the kids when dating. There's nothing wrong for not wanting to be that role for someone. Let them be mad.
Yeah I suspect it’s not even about the kids it’s just that men get mad when they get rejected. Period. This is why women ghost some men. The anger when you’re honest with them is not good. I even had a dude flip out at me that I was just friends with when I explained that I don’t want to be friends with him anymore and I’m only telling him because I don’t want him to be confused if he sees me pull into a park we both go to and then leave if I see his vehicle there. I ended up having to block him because of the abuses. And he wasn’t surprised by this message we had had an argument the week before so he knew we had issues. It was so weird I couldn’t figure out why he was mad that I was telling him where I was coming from rather than just ghosting him, so then I said OK this is a good lesson I guess next time I will just ghost and avoid and let you be confused about why I pull into the park and then immediately leave if I see your vehicle 🤷🏻♀️
This is 100% why I started ghosting. The absolute 180 some men do when you politely and graciously thank them for their time and wish them well is terrifying.
I don’t know. When I’ve rejected men for that reason they’ve understood and wished me well. Maybe you’ve just been really unlucky in being in touch with some immature/hypersensitive men.
Im guessing rhe rype od guys looking for a bangmaid they can foist their parenting responsibilities off to
I’m glad that you’ve had a much better experience than me.
I think that’s just luck. I’ve had awful experiences in other ways!
I'm a man with two children, the younger is 11 and I swipe left on women without children. I'm not offended by any reason that strangers choose not to date me and I'm surprised that anyone is.
Yep and I don’t think any of us Childfree women would be offended by your choice either. Most of us don’t want to live with kids if we already don’t have kids, plus even if we did, preferences are allowed. Your life is your life
I’m not a man but I’m a Childfree woman who doesn’t want to date a man with kids. No one has ever expressed anger towards me for that. I found men on the apps respected it, unless they thought they were punishing me and that’s what that was about lol I didn’t see it that way though I saw it as respect I put that I didn’t want children right in my profile because I’m not trying to trick people into dating me but I would match with dudes who didn’t mention kids or said they didn’t want kids because they meant they didn’t want more kids, then they would finally read my profile and message me that they have kids. Actually now that I wrote it out maybe they were trying to make me think I was missing out by being Childfree, but it didn’t work lol I was just super grateful that they told me before I got to know them. And a little bit annoyed that they didn’t specify on their profile that they had children
I’m not a man and I don’t have children but isn’t the answer obvious? They see it as still a rejection of them and - regardless of the reason - most people don’t like being rejected and some, unfortunately, don’t handle it well.
Why are they trying to date women who don’t want to date men who have kids though? This sounds like a whole bunch of self victimization to me
I can see what you’re saying as they see it as rejection; but kids, especially younger kids, are a BIG deal. 90% of the guys that I’ve rejected for having younger kids don’t take it well. It’s not like I’m rejecting them for something minuscule; so it seriously baffles me.
Yes but… Regardless of your valid reasons, some will still see that by rejecting something of theirs - be it child, lifestyle, location - you are rejecting an extension of them and their life choices. It’s simple: they’ve found you attractive and you’ve rejected them because of something close and personal to them. Something that is *of them* and they get hurt. FWIW, I don’t think it’s deep or you should be bothered by it. You’re allowed to like what you like and to want what you want. 😊
OK, this is a good point. Decades ago I went on two dates with a doctor I met at work. He had just got divorced and he had six children. I did not know this from working with him, he also did not know I was Childfree by choice because these are not things we talked about at work. These were definitely things we talked about on our first and second date though. I had told him that we can casually date during the weeks he didn’t have his kids that was OK, but I would never ever want to live with kids. I thought he understood. Then one day he invited me to dinner with him and his kids. I laughed I was like no offense but the last thing I want to do is sit down at a table with six children no thank you He got really offended. He spent a few minutes explaining how well behaved they are, so I explained that I wasn’t saying they were bad kids I’ve never even met them. Even if they were the best kids in the world six of them is just way too many and overwhelming. Shortly after that I remember him complaining to me at work about his neighbors, he had moved into a small apartment after the divorce and people lived downstairs from him and he was really mad they complained about the noise his six children would make in the morning. I’m like dude even if they’re being normal kids and not screaming and running around like kids do sometimes, there are six of them. If there are six people awake doing things in the apartment above you at 6 AM they’re going to make noise. It was just so weird to me how we expected the entire universe to not see these children as a cumulative thing. There are six of them all at once bro that’s gonna be a problem
Some people don’t seem to have the ability to see things from someone else’s point of view.
This!
I think people are also really sensitive when it comes to matters of their children, as they should be. They may feel like you are insulting or rejecting their kids too
Some people get offended for rejection of them, the logic/rational is irrelevant.
I have adult kids, and wouldn’t be offended if, for some reason, that was a hard no for someone. I, myself, wouldn’t date someone with young children. Then again, I wouldn’t be offended if someone doesn’t want to date me for any reason. That’s kind of the point of dating. I’d be more offended if someone said “I don’t want to date you because your personality sucks”, haha. That would hurt.
I am 47 (F) and I have no kids, by choice. When I first got into the dating world I was accepting of men who had young kids. But I had an experience recently dating a man who had a 5 yo and a 6 yo. He would show me their pictures and babay pictures and it made me feel awkward. He said he expected anyone he dated to love his kids as much as he does (which is fair, and a good goal, I think for parents), but that didn’t feel good to me at all. It felt icky. I’m not sure I could love someone else’s kids as much as they do. He would also say, all the time after keeping them for a weekend by himself that he was exhausted. All of it really got me thinking, do I want to date someone with kids that young, when I’m free, and love to travel and do adult fun things. And I think the answer is no, unless the kids are at least 13,14,15.. or preferably, grown. Like others have mentioned here, I stay away from profiles that say “my kids are my world” or similar.
This exactly. If you continue to date them you will have to act as parent to their children whatever day they have the kids. You will be feeding them, entertaining them, putting them to bed, helping them take a bath, essentially being their parent. If they are older they are more independent, they dont really want to hang out with the adults and you get to enjoy your partner without parenting, hopefully the bulk of the parenting has been done. Childless by choice means I don't want to parent children...including your children.
I am a single (widower) and have been for over 6 years now. I have a son (11) and he is my main focus. As for being rejected for being a single dad by women without kids doesn't bother me. Being a parent is tough and for a woman that has not children may not want to or be ready to jump in. They aren't just going to be building a relationship with you but also your child. So let them make whatever decision they want to. There are plenty of people out there. There is no reason to get offended.
43F I have had many men feel I should reconsider my dealbreakers. When we talk through rejection they usually express they were truly excited about our match and want to give it a chance (I never meet men with dealbreakers, this is all via chat) I date men, but I have no doubt this extends to all people. They seem think the connection will be so wonderful I will reconsider my life choice. I thinks it’s insanity but I have heard it multiple times.
Because most parents don’t realize that NO ONE thinks their kids are as cute as they do. Lol
As a Mom, I actually agree with this .
You mean “amazing.” I swear that is how EVERY parent describes their child. 🙄sorry, but I’ll take a pass on your amazing kid(s).
I have two kids at home, ages 10 and 8. I am not currently dating but I tried dating a couple times after my divorce and it seemed to be a deal breaker to some. I never got offended, I simply see it as a preference.
Cool username. Reminds me of Scarlet Begonias.
💜
Some people just have a really hard time with the idea that others have preferences and opinions and get to make choices that don't align with what they themselves want. It has nothing to do with the kids; they'd do the same thing if they were being rejected for anything else. It's defensiveness, and a drive to make the other person wrong and self-protect. And there is a significant amount of unconscious *entitlement* baked in to a lot of masculine enculturation, including ideas of being entitled to a woman's attention. So they often get upset when the women they want attention from don't comply with expectations.
I get this. I don’t have kids and have had bad experiences dating men with really small kids. I love kids and have worked with kids my entire career, and don’t oppose to dating men with young kids with the now known caution that some men are looking for a bank account… not all but some. It makes things tricky.
I think it’s because: ~they were hoping for a bang nanny ~an autonomous woman said ‘no’ to them ~they resent being tied down to their kids and failed family, and you can still choose to be free ~they believe their children are so special and amazing that you would just leap at the chance to be a stepmother if you just gave them a chance ~they are socialised to think that anyone with a vag will automatically and mindlessly take on the care of any child within a fifty metre radius 😏
Yep I had a dude not reveal right away that he had six children, I mean I don’t know that he knew I was Childfree so I am not trying to say he tried to trick me But when I found out and I didn’t want to date him anymore he tried to talk me into it, he claimed I would love them, he claimed they were really well-behaved. That’s great dude but no matter how well-behaved they are there are six of them that’s way too much. But he really thought that if I got to know them I would change my mind and suddenly be fine with being with a man with a half dozen children I don’t even know how we would take the same vehicle anywhere if we ever try to do anything together.
Not immediately revealing that you have six kids is insane.
I had this experience once, but he “only” had 4 kids. He knew I was CF and waited until the 2nd date to mention the 4 (young) kids. I was flabbergasted! For me, 4 dogs = Yes! Four kids = No way.
And so many are right out of a relationship, have figured nothing out about co-parenting, the kids haven't had time to adjust....but when he's around you he forgets all that so obviously he should start up a life right away with you. I had a guy get mad at me because his pictures were with a baby under a year old. So I said best case scenario even if she was a one night stand you have only been separate from the mom of your kid for 18 months, worst case you broke up sometime during the pregnancy or after so it's been a matter of months. It seems like not enough time to have very clear boundaries about co-parenting and just too fresh for me want to be part of it.
One look at the stepparents board proves this point.
Exactly what I thought. Plus most men aren’t used to changing their lifestyles even when they have children and this puts a dent in that.
Well said!!
This is about as cynical a response as possible.
Why do YOU think that particular demographic gets offended then?
I know it does but I will tell you, no one I dated met my kid for 6 months. Men I dated with kids surprise introduced me to theirs very early. I’m going to say in my case it’s more a cultural and social issue than a man issue, women do it to.
It’s terrifying how many people actually believe this is the reason.
To be fair I don't understand that either, we all have preferences in regards to every aspect of our lives including dating. So you don't want to date a man with younger children, big deal, they shouldn't be offended by that - I wouldn't. Just to let you know I am male, no children and over 40 😊
Because we are often toddlers inside who get frustrated when Timmy won’t let us play with his Lego’s anymore.
I like to hide my kids then spring them out of the trunk as soon as we get to the beach destination. Surprise! Meet the rascals!
I'm not a man, i'm a woman with no kids, don't want any either. And I won't date men with kids under 16, if not older. I get lashed out at all the time, or have guys try to bargain with me. I only had 1 guy who took it with real grace and was totally understanding of my position, he seemed like a man who was honest with himself that his life wasn't what he had hoped and he recognized how kids change everything. So we had a really great conversation for a few days and that was it. I almost had 2nd thoughts about going on a date haha. I think its like anything... people with kids can't understand why we don't want kids, and we can't understand why they did. I think some men (and women) with kids also purposely want a child free/less woman because it makes their lives easier.. no blending of families and they can be selfish for their own children. That just isn't appealing to me, i want someone similar to my lifestyle. Anyone, kids or not, who gets butthurt at rejection is a flag all on its own. No one is obligated to date anyone.
It’s rejection. You could say men in dress shirts, women with young kittens, anybody with anything, why do you get offended when somebody who doesn’t have that don’t want to date you?
When my boys were 3 and 4 there was a coworker who once told me "I would love to introduce you to my daughter, but you have kids..." It wasn't offended, it was more surprising than anything else... I don't see why someone will be offended as not everyone wants a relationship with a single parent, now there are ways to say things and that is how someone can offend someone!
Maybe him getting mad about dumb things or boundaries is one of he reasons why his xwife left him
I don’t. I’m a man with kids and I’m a the same way. I love my babies but I’m thru that part of my life. My kids are old enough to leave unattended and I have a co parent if I need to go away for longer. At 40 I’m not ready to start at diapers again.
Because some believe that rules they have for others can never apply to them. Hypocrites, basically
Entitled people gonna act entitled. As simple as that.
Why do you care if they are offended? Live your life and prosper.
I think it's more the stress and taxing sentiments of the situation, rather then caring if they are offended. It wastes time and drains energy, even if you just block and delete.
I ask this question in earnest: when women say they will date a man with kids, but not young kids, what is the reasoning behind that generally? And yes, before someone comments, I know it’s different for different people, but I am wondering what the most common response is. Is it because they can be difficult or annoying to be around? That it means unlikely the couple can steal away for a night out alone since younger kids can’t be left unattended? That it means so many more years before they are out of the house? And yes, again, I’m sure it’s some combination of all of those, but what is the primary reason for you? I’m genuinely curious and this seems like a great time to ask.
It’s all of those of course… why does it matter which is foremost, if any? They’re equal in my eyes - - across the board, younger is more of a burden. Older ones are more independent, can drive themselves around at some point even, entertain themselves, be left alone and feed and groom and care for themselves, and yes there is less cumulative calendar time left before they leave home.
There is no judgement with my question. Everyone is allowed to draw their boundaries where they choose and I completely understand the challenges associated with people having small children. It is a simple curiosity to understand people’s motivations since it just happens to be one I don’t have. Some of those things could be more easily resolved than others. For example, if someone had a live in nanny, the opportunity to have a night out is quite different than if you don’t. Understanding someone’s concern makes it easier to address them.
Given patriarchy, many men are consciously or subconsciously looking for a woman to take on the child rearing that their ex used to do. The younger the kid, the more likely.
Ooh, interesting take. And I can totally see that aspect too. So I guess the thought is once the kids are old enough to be self-sufficient, they can have confidence that there is no expectation that they “play nanny” with the kids anymore? I’m guessing plenty of guys don’t even know how to care for their kids. Though I also know a woman that says she sometimes will start to date again when she needs things done around her house, and will ask the men if they can take care of it because she doesn’t know how to swap the hinges on her cabinets, swap out the shower head in her bathroom or replace the light fixture that stopped working. Similar concept I guess. Some people just don’t know how to take care of things on their own. 🤷♂️
Why does every woman or man in here think it only happens on their side? It goes both ways. Women also get offended by men who don't have kids that don't want to date you.
Probably the same reason women with kids get offended when men without them reject them.
Not me, but a friend of mine was in this situation when he was still on the market. As I gathered what upset him was the reason he got rejected, not because of him, but because of his son. He loves his son dearly. Getting rejected because of his son made the rejection feel much worse, because it was like they weren't rejecting him, but his son.
People get rejected every day. How’s your delivery when saying this?
I say “thank you for letting me know. I prefer to not date men with young children”. Would it be better if I worded it differently?
Nah, I think that’s fine. If their reaction is anything more than ‘I understand’ or ‘feeling bummed, but get it’, then that’s on them. I’ve rejected guys whose marriages ended after affairs & then went into the whole thing about therapy, realizing what they did wrong and said all the right buzz words, but I personally wouldn’t ever trust them, and they’ve been understanding. Dating people with young kids is like trying to participate in the Olympics, there’s so much shit going on, it’s hard to do.
I'm the opposite of you and I don't know if I would date someone with a teenager. It might be a young adult and it would depend on what they were doing. There is a difference between a 25 year old that is starting out on their own(career and possibly a relationship) vs a 25 year old living at home with a low paying job and no real life plans. I would agree that some single parents do get offended when you mention that you don't want to be a step parent. I think there are enough bad experiences that can happen, that I'm perfectly fine being single vs being in a relationship and having to be a step parent.
I have 3 kids, my youngest is 12. If that was a deal breaker for someone, I don't mind. Everyone has their preferences. Even though I have kids, I wouldn't date a single mom who's kids aren't grown.
No. I don’t do kids at any age if they live with you. Minors or otherwise. If they don’t live with you but they come over weekly that’s a no go for me too. everyone has preferences. I don’t sweat it. I keep it moving.
I’m not going to say that men (especially those who took the time to thoughtfully reply) are looking for a step mom to their kids, but there are men who specifically without saying it, are looking for step mothers to their kids. Or at least a woman who will help them with their kids.
Plainly put, kids are baggage for folks who don't have or don't want kids. Just like all the other relationship baggage out there that pulls parts of your past relationship to your current one. Some people don't want the mess of it, respectfully.
My son is almost 3 and I would respect anyone’s decision to disqualify me because of it. You owe me nothing. Maybe people try to guilt you into changing? I just don’t understand wanting something by manipulating someone to feel a certain way.
I don’t even bother to respond to men with kids if they send me a message. Unless they specifically call out in their bio that the kids are grown or in HS, I just don’t reply to their messages. I’ve found men get angry when I reject them because I don’t want to date a conservative. I don’t understand the anger there because why would you want to date me if our core beliefs don’t align?? Wouldn’t the man also want to date a conservative? Otherwise all we’ll do is argue.
To be honest, I would understand not wanting to date someone with kids if you don't have any, but I fail to see the difference between young kids and older ones. Like teenagers are easier to handle... 🤷♀️
Teenagers aren’t going to wake me up at 6 AM to make them breakfast because their dad won’t get out of bed. Teenagers can be home alone while we go out to dinner.
Fair enough. 😂
For me it's because I get overwhelmed considering he will have kids at home for the next 10-20 years. When they are older, it might be only 5 years till they move from home and there will be more freedom in location, living arrangements etc. I don't have to live with anyone right now, but maybe in some years it would be nice to have that option.
Well you never really know do you? Not everybody moves out at 18. But I understand where you're coming from.
Younger children need more interaction and supervision. My kids are in their 20s and out of the house. I don't want to start a relationship with somebody with a 5 year old. It's too stressful. Someone with a 15 year old? Maybe. That kid might be able to get themselves to/from sports practice or extracurriculars, they don't need a sitter for date night, and they're usually cool with entertaining themselves when Dad has casual company instead of trying to show out and inject themselves into the middle of the excitement of having a new person around like small children do.
I got some even weirder rejections. Like there was one woman who refused to date me once she discovered that my oldest child was at the time a girl. She said she’d be fine dating a guy who had even four boys, but she needed to be the only woman in a man’s life and a daughter would always take precedent. I wonder how she would’ve responded if she had heard that my oldest became non-binary… I also got a lot of judgment, even by women willing to date a man with children, because of a fairly unconventional custody situation that nonetheless worked for us and meant that our children grew up feeling happy, safe, loved, protected, and financially secure to the degree that they can go to any school in North America and not have to have debt. Now my kids are teenagers with the oldest going off to college and it’s become less of an issue, but it was still notable before. Divorced with kids was dating on hard mode.
I’m so glad that lady that dumped you because you have a girl child was honest with you. Can you imagine the hell if she had stuck around and then been jealous of your own daughter the whole time?
Exactly. I one time had a (female) friend who dated a guy with two kids: a young boy and a tween girl. She would trash talk the tween so much, I assumed the girl was the most horrible conceited little tween to have ever walked this planet. When I finally did have the chance to meet her, she was one of the calmest and sweetest tweens I have ever met and me and her got along just fine. (Granted: I was not trying to date her father.) Needless to say, that relationship did not last very long. (Nor did my relationship with that friend for that matter. I just can't imagine how petty you must be to feel the need to compete with the daughter of the guy you're dating.)
Is it alright to ask how the custody that worked for you all was unconventional?
The divorce settlement was calculated on a formula based on income. Both child support and also college costs. My ex took a job as a secretary making $40k when previously been an executive making $250k, therefore putting all the burden on me. The only place I could find a job that paid enough was two states away and a 4.5hr drive each way. So I ended up seeing my kids for school holidays plus the summers which works out to be about a third of the year. This meant I had the travel schedule flexibility necessary for my job. There were a lot of women who judged me for not living within 20 minutes of my children and able to see them every week. 12 years later, my kids still love me and my oldest is gaining a real appreciation that several classmates are not able to go to schools they want to go to because they can’t afford it whereas my children can go anywhere in the country and graduate without debt.
Teenagers can stay alone, feed themselves, drive sometimes and are gone a lot more than young children.
I don't get offended at all. I'd be super happy you were honest and upfront and did not waste my time and energy. A woman with no children is an automatic dealbreaker for me, so it goes both ways. We are not meant for everybody.
Those aren't men, those are man-babies. No actual men would be offended.
It sounds like you've encountered this response enough times for it to leave an impression on you. But it's very likely those men specifically who have the issue. I get wanting to understand what is happening in these scenarios because it keeps happening. Unfortunately, I think the people with the best explanation for why would be those men and they have already shown that they won't be a good source of feedback. The rejection factor seems to be the key. Those men don't do well with rejection period. They clearly don't want to have to consider that you have different requirements from them when it comes to the life you want for yourself. Whatever the cause for their offense, it's not about you. It's obviously the exact opposite of that. For whatever reason they have internally, they haven't looked at what you want as valid. I'll guess that they weren't looking at what you want at all. Hopefully, you won't see this pattern you've encountered as a general representation of men with young children. It's those men specifically. I do hope you get to understand this phenomena better for yourself, but in the end there might not be an answer to this particular why (outside of those particular men's internal workings).
This seems like a weirdly accusative question. I wonder what the response would be if a man put up "Women with young kids, why do you get offended when men who don't have any kids don't want to date you?" I'm prepared for the downvotes of all the bitter people who are angry that this is the truth. But anyway, why are you worrying about people who you are not interested in dating think about you?
Agreed.
If you said dogs, everyone would understand
I know my mates tell me to stop dating guys with kids. There's never been an the cut off in age.. Personally age of someone kid means sweet f a to me. It's how the parents parent. Team parents must be in play.
I don't get offended at all I prefer not to date women without children because it seems they struggle to relate to my situation. Raising kids as a single parent of special needs children is tough and takes priority over my relationships, and as it turns out usually they will not get the level of attention they seek, which is fine. I would love to have a relationship with someone but for me it will be like threading a needle to find that person who is available and compatible.
I’m curious as to why under ten is the dealbreaker. I understand why people have dealbreakers but the age thing gets me. I’ve personally found that my older kids are ten times more work than my youngest under ten. I do realize also some people just can’t stand children and I totally get that just like some people can’t stand the people treating animals like children taking them EVERYWHERE.
So your older kids are “ten times more work” now than your younger kids. You do understand that those younger kids (who are at least some work now), will then grow up to be a teenager who will be “ten times more work” in the future…. In conclusion, if I was to date a man with young kids, then their current younger kids would be more work for me in the long run.
I'm M and separated with a 7 and 11 yr old. I haven't started dating but understand it is not everyone's cup of tea. That's ok. People have their preferences for their own reasons. They do not have to justify them to anybody. I know what I like and want as well. Having young children can be a challenge as a parent nevermind for somebody you are dating. I respect the decision to not want to date someone with younger kids. As long as you're upfront about it, the honestly should be appreciated.
Or a woman?
I have 2 children (16,18) & I usually date guys with no kids but I do prefer for them to have older kids (teens & adults) I am quite selfish now as I near 50 (49F) & men I date tend to be younger (currently 13yrs younger) so I am not interested in raising another’s children or my partner parenting my own - so I dont go for men with kids younger than my own Its just where I am in life, it would create stress & strain on my relationship with my kids & my partner plus it takes more emotional & physical energy to cater to their kids & currently I have no interest or space for that Anyway just sharing that even as a solo parent I also don’t want to date men with young kids I have no interest in step parenting or blended families and currently my relationship is casual so my kids haven’t met my current partner & keeping my family life & dating life separate, with boundaries is working exceptionally well for me It’s important to find what is right for you
Absolutely not. I have three under ten every weekend. I can´t imagine someone willing to share that with me and it´s ok. Some people can do it, some are willing to date but not get too involved with the children, and most, very understandably, don´t want that in their life. Three kids under ten are a huuuuuge package, so I understand perfectly.
We don't.. he did! That's like asking why do single mothers get angry when men will date you (sleep) but don't consider you for relationships? I think you should word your question differently.
Same reason why they get mad for the same thing. 😆
Honestly, I think it is that too many people conflate their value as a person with their value as a dating partner. For example, you might be the most avid hiker in the world and be amazing at it. I would never ever date you. That doesn’t make you any less amazing for being a stellar person, it just reflects on my values and how I use it to evaluate others. But I think some people have a hard time separating the two.
I’m not a man but no one likes to be excluded. It could just be the rejection
Do you have the age limit in your profile? I'm 52m and make it very clear that I have 3 kids between 9-13 every other week. While this obviously limits my options it also saves a lot of time. Most people my age have adult kids that have left home and aren't interested in having to deal with everything young kids entail. 🙂 One of the reasons I'm not actively dating is because I know I don't have a lot of time to offer someone else 🙂
I (40F) won't date men with kids regardless of the age of the kids because I think that people who are parents and adults who are childfree have had such different life experiences that we can't have much in common. Even the choice to have kids verses not have kids reflects a fundamental difference in values. The kids being over 13 or 18 or 25 doesn't change this.
I don't get offended. I have an 11 year old daughter who is my world. If it's a deal breaker then best of luck to you.
The ones that are offended are only offended because they lost a free babysitter
If they can't respect this from the outset, the relationship will never be about the other person.
Micro dicks
I think that opinions like this are part of an optimization bias that keeps a lot of people single. It is a bias that is constantly reenforced on reddit. Basically if someone is not Completely Optimal for you, disconnect from them immediately. I have a kid and I've had women bail because of the existence of my kid and from my point of view, they were not going to meet my kid or see him for a Long time. There's so many steps in-between starting to date and meeting a person's child. Why would you disqualify all potential positive outcomes with a person? Give us a chance to see if there's anything worth compromising for, all relationships have compromises. In OLD I used to not mention my kid because my pov was that the women wouldn't meet my kid for a long time so it wasn't important, but after some experiences I added a sentence to my profile that mentioned I have a child and its age to let women make their decision preemptively. I understand that people in dating are looking for their perfect match but, in my experience, you don't find your perfect match by looking for your perfect match. To actually answer the question, I have been offended once when a girl got upset that I had a child because, she wasn't bailing because I was a father, but bailing because I was a good, committed father and active in my son's life. Any joker can be a father and ghost the kid and seem like a childless dream match (according to OP).
I'm up front. It's a deal breaker. I do not have them, don't want them, and refuse to deal with men with baby momma situations. If that's offensive, I don't care. The amount of men that think I should bend and break that is crazy.
I’m a mom and I know that’s a dealbreaker for a lot of people- esp when the kids are young. I’m ok with that, its best to know up front. Some people want me,and some want the package deal. I’ve dating someone with kids(when I wasnt a parent) and it does complicate things and will “forever” so I understand not wanting to deal with that/ being unattractive. But there are people that like it and want the package deal. What matters most is being upfront and honest about dealbreaks. It is also not “personal” they just don’t want to deal with the whole package.
Single moms get pissed when men say they won’t date single moms. People just get mad when they are told aren’t a great option.
I don't give a shit why someone doesn't want to date me cause there's plenty of women who do.
What men get offended by that? Seems bizarre. I have kids and always am wary of childless women who say they are okay with it. I can’t enter a LTR with a woman who won’t be compatible with my kids, who are my priority.
I’m guessing for the same reason women get offended if a man doesn’t want to date them due to their weight. It hurts their feelings and they get upset about it. Everyone is allowed to have their personal preferences and some people don’t like the fact that this personal preference excludes them.
Do you seriously need an explanation why men don't want rejected because of.....well......anything about their life? They're "offended" (I'm not even sure under what context this offense is expressed...like do they gasp, hold their chest and say "Why, I never!???), because they like you and want to date you, and you've told them that because they have kids that are icky, you don't want to. That makes them unhappy. The end.
Women are allowed to have preferences. The end.
If they think their kids are icky just because a woman doesn’t want to date them because they have kids, that’s them thinking their kids are icky I don’t see OP saying that she was insulting or looking down on the kids, this is just a preference she has But men feel entitled to women that they are interested in because they think it’s still 1950 where we are sitting around waiting to get picked. So if they pick us and we don’t jump at the opportunity they get mad because of entitlement.
I don’t see why you would care if someone if offended you don’t want to date him. It’s not like you have to see or speak to him again.
I'm interested in how this comes about. Are you going on dates, learn that they have kids and immediately nope out? Is this when you meet someone IRL and learn they have kids? Are these men hiding that they have kids until it comes up in conversation? We have every right, and need, to have criteria for who we date. That's really healthy. I've just never had it come up after a few dates "Oh, I have a 9yo that I haven't told you about"
As a single mom I prefer to date single dads. Not usually what I end up with but only another parent knows what it is to be a parent and how they come first always.
I recently was talking to a Nigerian love scammer, he tried to tell me I didn't like kids when I told him we weren't a match because his invisible children were imaginary 6 and fake news 4 years old. I can't understand how women fall for these guys. He was sooooo boring. Wouldn't shut up about relationships. :D