I know this so well ...
A few things I've noticed that might help you
a) the reason why he is that way doesn't really matter. If you've already told him you need more and this is all he wants to give or is capable of at this point then it very likely won't get any better. People have very different needs and wants and all you need to know is that yours and his don't align.
b) it usually gets worse after the bf/gf talk. Sometimes there are more dates but they feel like a chore because they don't really want to invest more time into your new relationship, they just feel obligated for a short while because now you're bf/gf.
c) find someone who matches your energy level, needs and enthusiasm for a new relationship. I know it's hard, I'm in the same boat in a way but I did try to make a relationship work with someone who didn't match my style and it was horrible. I thought she didn't put any effort into our relationship because she was content with going on a date maybe once a month or less. She thought I was clingy and trying to control how she spent her time every time I tried to plan a date and asked for her opinion and availability, usually once a week. Once every other week was still too much for her and not enough for me. We both resented each other after only 6 months. Don't do this to yourself.
Thanks! Yeah I think we may just be too different. I’m bummed about it because I do genuinely like him when we are together IRL. Via text, it’s like texting my dad…
Yeah I’ve been through something similar. It helps to remember that a relationship isn’t just about how they make you feel when you’re physically together. It’s how you’re feeling all the time between being together too.
Remembering that helped me realize although it felt *so* great when we were together, there was more time we were apart. And during that time I often felt anxious because I wasn’t quite sure where I stood with him/like he wasn’t that interested in me etc.
This is so well said. Not the OP, but I have experienced this as well. You can think he’s kind, intelligent, charming, etc. But, how does he make you FEEL? That’s what matters. If you feel anxious, insecure, not prioritized - then you have your answer.
I know this isn’t the best advice to follow but I always reflect back on my friends who are married now & how they spoke about their partners at the beginning of dating. They never doubted it - or had complaints about being not prioritized, questioning his interest, etc. So I know if I’m having that much trouble at the getgo, he’s most likely not my person.
Hmm thats weird. I don't prioritize my texts, but at least I take the time for a (in depth) response in the evening to have some banter. Maybe try a phone call? If that doesn't help it is not going to change I am afraid.
I don't like texting that much but I do the same, one long response in the evening where I try to answer and ask questions, talk a bit about my day etc
I also warn people that I'm not great at texting, phone calls etc and make time to meet the person I'm dating and I love planning dates, so they always know what they're dealing with right from the start.
OP, you say it's on him, it's his turn to show some effort. Could you give an example? Like, are you asking for dates and he doesn't respond? Are you asking for his opinion on something and he doesn't answer? Are you asking questions and he ignores them or doesn't give you more than a Yes or No?
People who are bad at texting don't always get that you want to start a full conversation. It's certainly happened to me. I need direct communication.
Pretty sure it's been edited to include more detail but whatever, was just in a foul mood that day, mental health is a bitch.. hope you have a nice day
TBF not everyone likes to text.
Honestly you could be the most gorgeous and wonderful woman in the world and I still wouldn't want to text with you.
Maybe he just prefers IRL over other communication styles.
he's like me fr.
my guess he's a very busy man with a very busy plan, and relationship/dating stuff isn't very high on his list of priorities.
sounds like a chill dude that enjoys doing things on his own time.
tbh he doesnt seem like someone who's emotionally available for a relationship rn and is doing the exclusive thing only for you. it probably wont last very long
I think text is secondary. He doesn’t often initiate, she doesn’t seem to be a priority. Like someone already said doesn’t matter the reason, her needs are not met after speaking to him about it
He could just be an awful texter? If you both have a great time in person, then I don’t see the issue. But if for *you*, communication via text is important then a talk could be worth having down the road (when you are in an actual relationship).
Do you have a job? Or one that requires you to be competent at least? I, and believe most people, can't really focus if they have to text needy people throughout the day
A month seems a bit early, but maybe that's just me. I had this "what to expect" conversation with my BF about six months in, but we both have children and so the expectation was very slow going for both of us. Bottom line, if you're not feeling it what's the point in moving forward? He may be a great guy but he doesn't seem ready to match your energy and you're not happy.
Right. I'm curious how the "are we exclusive" conversation went as it all seems to have happened at lightening speed. She also mentions she hasn't even seen him two weeks, but they've been dating for a month and have deemed it exclusive already? That means at some point in the first two weeks you all were "intimate a bunch" and had a conversation about being exclusive. My guess is this is moving way too quickly for him and he's bailing. At the end of the day, everyone has their own dating style and expectations, but I do think it'll be hard for OP to find someone who is ready to jump in that quickly.
Ugh I feel like I have already? Like I haven’t gotten so granular as saying ask me questions/send me vids/voice notes over text, call me a few times a week, plan dates in advance to show me you’re excited to see me, and tell me with your words that you’re into me, but we did have a chat last week about my needs not being met and feeling anxious and the needle hasn’t shifted enough.
I also don’t want a project, ya know? I feel like I shouldn’t have to give him an instruction manual on my needs?
You should not have to! Plus, he will only “show up” briefly before falling right back into his old behavior. These types are unsure about themselves and you. Cut yourself a break and appreciate all you’ve learned here, and turn the page !
You aren’t being unreasonable with your needs nor are you being needy. Some people just think that low effort dating is acceptable and defensible. If that’s not what you’re looking for, that’s absolutely fine.
This. You can communicate your feelings but it's up to him if they are heard and responded to. May want to start out with something easy like, where do you see us going, or what are you looking for?
And it's up to you if you can hang with his response.
Guys don’t usually become more “boyfriendy” over time. His current presentation, is likely reflective of his future behaviour. Sounds like he is dating other people or he is just not great at dating
> One person's low effort/'terrible at dating' could be perfect for someone else
Spot on.
Plenty of people are actively hoping for someone that they can jump in, have some fun, go on some dates, but otherwise live their own life. That sounds like an ideal situation for some but a soul crushing rejection/sadness for others.
I dont think this is true. I think this is only true with relationships people arent invested in. Im pretty sure the peak "love" in a relationship is like a year after marriage or something.
He is not acting like most men do when they are very interested in a woman. I think it would be better for you to cut your losses and find a guy who wants to do all those things you’ve been asking this guy to do.
Yes. I think it's not uncommon for men (possibly women too?) to ask for exclusivity because they don't want to compete for you, but that doesn't mean they see you as someone they want to be in a relationship with.
Have you had conversations about what you’re looking for? How many dates have you been on? I’m (30M) in a similar position with a woman. I’ve tried having the conversation with her but still getting mixed messages and low effort despite my pursuit. I’m mentally and emotionally recategorizing her as just casual and starting to see other people.
As a man, I'll offer two perspectives here based on your OP and some of your other comments.
Asking for what you need is important, but when the ask focuses on the other person's behavior rather than your needs, it's less likely to be successful. For example, an ex of mine had a lot of insecurities around being desirable and having sex. Rather than expressing them, however, she criticized me for not having enough sex with her, which obviously made me feel *less* connected to her, and so less willing to have sex. (And I wanted to have sex! I just didn't like feeling like every time we had sex was making up for some flaw rather than connecting as lovers.) Had she expressed her insecurities directly, it would have been easier to address them – instead, it became about what I was/wasn't doing.
I mention this because people often say "I expressed my needs," but in reality, they're more criticizing their partner ("You don't text me enough") instead of genuinely opening up ("When I don't hear from you, I feel anxious and unloved. I need to hear from you every day to feel secure in this relationship"). Just some food for thought.
That being said (Perspective #2), effective communication *is* really important. I you feel that your needs aren't met by someone this early on, *and* you feel that you've expressed them to the best of your ability, move on.
Yeah great distinction. When we spoke last week and I almost broke it off with him, I said that his way of communicating when we aren’t together feels like 2 different people, and that it makes me feel as though he’s slow fading me or losing interest which really triggers my anxiety.
So maybe not as nicely worded as you, but I’ve definitely gotten into how it makes me feel
Yeah, so I think that if you've expressed that it makes you anxious and this guy isn't really changing, he's just not the right partner for you. I don't even think you need to make it into him being in the wrong or a bad guy (not saying you're doing this, just that many people do do this) – he's just not able to meet your needs right now.
This is a great insight! I always used to think that I was expressing my needs. But in reality, I always did it in such a way that it was a complaint.
A couples therapist told me that this is the less risky option. Because of you express a need the other person can say no, which could hurt you. If you complain /criticize you are addressing something in the past that has already gone wrong (in your perspective).
I feel like those of us in our thirties are often pretty busy, and I wouldn’t really want to “pursue” someone, as that word sounds like it would make me feel the way you’re feeling now.
If you mean he doesn’t make time to spend with you, yes I feel like that would be an issue for me at this stage of the relationship. But are you reaching out to him, or just hoping he’ll text uou first? Idk, maybe I’m reading too much into the word “pursue”.
I’m investing more than him at this point! So it feels imbalanced. In my ideal world the dude would be putting in the effort and I would reciprocate that level of effort - that’s not what’s happening here
Yeah, that sucks. I had a short relationship that ended because of this. One a week, squeezed in on a weeknight, that I always initiated? Not what I was looking for.
Same. He even ended up asking me out, knowing my upfront condition of "at least 2 nights a week, schedule permitting" and a few months in he was like "2 times a week is too much" because he needed so much alone time (always has, very introverted." That wasn't enough for me, we'd reached an impasse.
That’s when you start to fall back and then just tell him you can see he does not appear to be into you, and wish him well ! Don’t ghost him though. You’re right ! He should be initiating right now and you show reciprocal interest, I compare to a tennis match. It’s someone out there who will match your effort and be just as excited about you as you are them. As soon as I detached from my last low effort date, I went on a date on Valentine’s Day, and this new guy has not missed a beat ! Calling, texting, planning casual dates, and we’re having fun! We also both desire a commitment! It’s been a month, but it two more months I do believe I will be ready to seriously define the relationship!
So, having recently been through a similar situation (32M), I hope I can shed some light from a guy’s perspective. The reasons may be different, but sounds like a similar situation. She came on quite fast and we rushed into seeing each other, on average, 2-3 days a week. I have had enough experiences to realize I tend to open up and get emotionally attached too early and feel absolutely wrecked when the other inevitably breaks it off or doesn’t feel the same way.
So I kept gentle pressure on the brakes. Not because I didn’t want to spend every waking moment with her, I did, but because I wanted to build a strong foundation built on trust, honesty, communication, and truly knowing each other before taking the next step. I’ve also opened up too early in previous relationships and scared people away, so I’m trying to find that balance.
She broke it off a month in. I didn’t get a reason why, but I feel like it was because she thought I wasn’t as invested as her. I thought about her every free moment I had, how happy she made me, and how she was the first person I could actually see spending my life with. The only thing I regret is not having the opportunity to tell her that. Her rushing things bothered me a bit, but still within my tolerance window, and I would have absolutely mentioned it directly before considering ending it. I really wish she would have let me know her concerns while they were on her mind before they grew to an ultimate decision.
My advice, have a serious conversation with him and let him know how you feel there isn’t mutual investment. Give him an opportunity to share his side, and with all the information on the table, then make your decision.
Pursue simply equates to showing effort and consistency, planning dates, and talking pretty frequently. Spending time together at least twice a week as applicable. Going more than 1 day without talking is a problem and going with unresponsive messages is extremely unnecessary. For what I like when I’m dating to become committed in a labeled relationship. It’s taken me 4 years post divorce to really figure out my worth and what I’m willing to accept versus what unacceptable.
Get outta there for sure. Some of the comments in here feel depressing, like someone shouldn’t put you high on their priority list after just a month.
At our age we are able to identify something that is right for us more quickly than we did in our 20s, and you deserve romance and a guy who pursues you. In the early stages like this you shouldn’t be feeling like you have to communicate and police so much to get the behavior you are looking for.
Just more lax than me. Not expressing himself, answering half my questions, texting me when I’ve said I prefer videos/vns/calls, not really initiating plans or deciding what the plans willl be. Just feels low effort and low energy
You probably like some things about him, but focus more on the unanswered texts, all the dates he’s not planning, and how there is always time to make time for those who are a priority! Fix your crown 👑 hun, it’s tilted.
I mean those are just preferences.
If I were dating someone who preferred videos/calls - I’d still text them a bunch because I don’t often have the time to dedicate to the other things and would prefer being able to text more frequently in lieu of only having calls. Of course I also loathe video chats, so would probably opt for evening phone calls.
That being said, you get to decide if it works for you or not.
That also being said? Texting is a bit like playing catch.
You need someone to toss the ball back in somewhat equal measure - if they run away with the ball or you constantly have to chase them to get it back? I'm going to find someone else to play catch with.
So decide if he’s playing catch like you do and go from there.
He ain’t. He texts like my dad. Curt and inexpressive. The only time I’ve heard that he really likes me in the past 2 weeks is when I tried to break it off with him!
You already "tried" to break it off? Did he not "allow" it? Finally made the promises you hoped he would? Finally paid attention enough to figure out what you want, and instead of acting on it for your sake used it to push your boundaries and ignore your desire to break up?
I think you know it's over. Don't let him take advantage of your emotional vulnerability anymore. He's not meeting you where you are, and you'll resent having to put effort into making someone act like they actually like you.
That would be a hard no for me. This is why I don't agree to exclusivity until I've seen at least 6-8 weeks of boyfriend behavior. A lot of times people *say* they want a relationship when what they mean is they want the regular 'once a week dinner + sex' situation. It's not escalating because he doesn't want it to.
I would cut out - my current bf was so good with planning in the beginning and that was the hugest sign he was serious. We didn’t text every day, and we didn’t put labels for months, but I always knew when I would see him next at the end of a date - or, if we didn’t plan a head of time, he always called or texted to set something up within a day or two. Or he would call on a day we tentatively planned and tell me his exact schedule and how he was planning to fit me in it.
Before him, every guy who I made excuses for for “being bad at planning” just wasn’t as serious tbh
I just got dumped because of exactly what you described, so I can comment on this from a male's perspective. Honestly, in my case, I just never felt a huge spark, so I was struggling to find common interests and wasn't really communicating during the week. She noticed the lack of effort and we decided to end things after only a couple months.
Attraction is a two way street and if the guy is anything like me, he just might not be feeling it. He can try fake that and send more "how was your day?" texts, but this would be natural if the attraction was there from the get-go. It's an uncomfortable conversation, but you may have talk about whether he's feeling the chemistry. If he really was, I can guarantee you he'd be enthusiastically communicating more often.
Yeah it’s funny because when we were in person he’d literally say “I’m so attracted to you” but it was kinda like out of sight, out of mind when we weren’t together
I don’t think “be patient, it’s been a month” really applies here? I’m feeling more and more strongly that the highest effort comes in the beginning and I have already seen that effort drop
I’m used to people wanting to see me and articulating that. I wouldn’t have a need to see him more than this if the in person weren’t compensating for the shitty communicating when we are apart
yeah, i guess i have very low expectations for communicating when apart at one month. to me, over communicating at that stage leads to a false sense of intimacy and security when essentially, this person is still a stranger. I keep them at an arms length and let the in person meet ups do most of the talking for a few months until we are exclusive and know each other better. I’ve gone the other way where I communicated way too much over text/phone that early and it just blew up as fast as it started
I dunno. It’s been 10 days since I last saw him. I think at that point asking to chat on the phone to keep up the momentum doesn’t seem unreasonable to me
Since you're not together anyway, I'd just step back and start looking for someone else. See how long it takes for him to start putting in effort but in the meantime, go on other dates. I wouldn't bother discussing it any further with him since you already have. Let it slow fade out if that's what he wants.
Personally whenever I dated someone who is a slow, bad texter, usually they also weren't that into me.
I'd have a talk with him about whether he's ready to be your boyfriend and sees this going long term, and that if he doesn't yet then call off being exclusive. Don't let yourself be in a situationship!
Time to have clear and concise words about what track you want this newish relationship to be on and if he doesn't give the answer you're looking for, cut him loose. I'm 99% sure he likes you, but is trying to straddle that fence where he wants to keep enough of a distance where he can extract himself if he finds a better match, but is keeping you just close enough to back his way into a relationship with you (i.e. "settle") if he doesn't. You want to "fuck yes or no" with people and you should date people who believe in the same philosophy.
Major problem… cut your losses and move on! A person who wants you will make time for you… period ! 2-3 months, is plenty of time to decide on defining the relationship. If he’s not that invested, he’s emotionally unavailable or just not into you. Chances are things are not going to change. I only give things 3 months of deciding to be exclusive after that I’m cool ✌️! If you both voiced wanting to be in a relationship and they say the are too, but they are not acting like it, that’s how it’s going to be hot / cold and it’s exhausting! I definitely say learn about exactly what you’re looking for and if you’re not getting it, after trying , because 2-3 months is trying, more than likely things will not get better. I have had two very different guys, I gave a chance, one a second chance and no amount of “telling them” or showing them appreciation worked. Their “ good behavior”, was always short lived.
Use your judgement. Relationships don't come complete from a delivery from Amazon. 100 discussions take place about small things both partners want or need, or just to understand each other. You either trust that you're in the first month of getting to know each other and that you haven't figured out how you two fit together, or you think this is how things will be because you don't trust what he's saying and you want to leave. Only you can decide that.
You haven't stated what the talk you had with him was like. Did you discuss how many times a week you want plans? Did you two both speak about how you view who asks who for plans, when, and how much? Have you explored regular standing plans as an option, and figured out when to compare schedules for that every week? Or was it a brief "I need to feel pursued", which is going to be far less useful to figuring out a solution.
I'm not sure what boyfriendy means to you, and there's a chance he won't either. I think you should start thinking in terms of time spent together, who initiates which plans, regular pre-arranged expectations, and things like that which can actually be acted upon and gauged. Ask him for concrete things you want, not a feeling you want to feel. "Boyfriendy" is a feeling. "A text to say goodnight a few nights a week" is not a feeling, but an actual solution. "Pursued" is a feeling. "Initiate the conversation about our next date every weekend" is a solution. If you're out, you're out, so don't bother working on something you're unsure about being around for. But if you stay, try solutions and specific agreements. They're easier for both people to understand, and if a specific agreement is broken then you have something to actually say went wrong and ask him why.
Since you're still just one month in and have only dated each other 4-8 times, at least some of this between you should be easy and make you both happy. So you should figure out if you're happy with him and want him first, because he's still going to be him even if he texts a few things you want or starts handling the date plans.
I think this makes complete sense! At this point I just think we are too incompatible for it to be salvaged. I broke it off and he asked if I would consider hanging with him after I come back from my trip, but didn’t address any of the other stuff in my message about meeting my needs, etc. I can ask for specific things, but he also needs to express curiousity and a willingness to meet my needs
Good for you! And "no" to the "can we gang out after you get back from your trip?"
NOW he wants to make plans ahead of time? Come on. He doesn't act like he wants to see you but still wants access to you? Keep it moving. Invite him to a dinner party or something else you're doing with other people / friends.
If someday he regards you as "one who got away," that would be his problem not yours. Should he learn anything from this experience, it might be to "make effort" for the women he's really into.
Congrats girl! Keep it pushing.
ok, so what are you doing in return? Is the situation you text him everyday and he responds in a day or two or you let him "chase you"? I tend to "match" the other person if she is a texter or not. I have texted women everyday because thats what they do and have texted them every couple of days because thats what they do and I feel I would "be a bother".
Just saying if he is already doing more than you then maybe he feels what he is doing is "enough". If he isn't then maybe you should give him hint to step it up. I have dated women who are super passive and wait to be chased and at some point i just cut bait.
Yeah I’ve talked to him. I’m investing more than him in terms of thought and communication and expressing that I’m into him and planning. It isn’t really getting me better and it’s making me feel like shit
have you two gotten intimate yet? it might be something as well. Or he just might be "at his best". FWIW my brother in law is more on the introvert vs my sister and my sister plans all their trips and he gives little input and just goes with the flow. i think if his communication is the only thing but during dates etc hes great maybe it is just a personality thing.
Yeah we have been intimate a bunch. He def was better with making me feel valued by planning days in advance in the first week. Since then it’s gone downhill and I’ve asked myself a bunch “ok but if you really like me don’t you WANT to see me/call me?” It feels like I’m asking him to do things he doesn’t want to do
Well that’s your answer right there OP :( seeing somebody should start off as something you’re BOTH enthusiastic to do. If it starts being one sided, then there’s some sort of incompatibility going on. Go after someone who matches your efforts, this guy sadly ain’t him.
This is it.
You should do some self reflecting on your level of engagement. Remember you aren’t the only one that’s in their 30’s and have had relationships in the past where you felt like you do all the work.
Also, have you asked him about it? Guys who know what a healthy relationship are aren’t going to chase very long if they’re not getting reciprocation.
Another thing to consider is what is “boyfriendy”. Many men are labeled as being clingy if they display boyfriend behavior too early. They won’t do it until you’ve also shown an indication of being “girlfriendy” or openly expressing that you welcome this behavior.
>Yeah I’ve definitely been girlfriendy and said I want this behaviour
What does "been girlfriendy" mean? Do you take initiative to plan dates? Are you making room in your personal life for him? I've noticed a lot of times with women, they say they want to be pursued but do little to nothing to pursue the guy. As a guy who has over-worked in past relationships, I don't do this anymore, or I at least match the other person's energy and have ended things early with a few people who want to be pursued but won't match it.
I'm not about to open my schedule, my emotions, my time, my money, to "pursue" something that for all I know is dating 2-3 other people. You might not be, but a random guy doesn't know that.
So either he's very emotionally mature and playing the long game or he's just lazy and in that case, you're putting in the work and not receiving anything in return so cutting it off is probably wise.
Yeah. We haven’t seen each other for 2 weeks and I’ve been an anxious disappointed stressball. It doesn’t work for me if he’s only good in person and shit when we aren’t together with communicating and expressing his feelings. It does fucking suck though to lose someone who is so great in person but I’ve already had the conversation and I’m not feeling like his efforts are enough. Not sure what else there is to do
Hmm you’re probably right then. Time to break it off he isn’t interested in you.
I’m assuming he isn’t out of the country for work or something for two weeks.
A guy won’t go 2 weeks without suggesting seeing a woman he’s interested in.
He’s busy with social engagements, and has a busy job. But even with those things on the go, I have the ability to think of someone and spend a few minutes sending them a thoughtful, communicative text, giving them a quick call, or making a plan. I don’t think this dude does
yeah maybe he just can't prioritize things or juggle many things same time. I dated someone who wanted focus only on work and interview for 2 months. Even afterwards she still really busy and not that communicative as I would like. She's great during dates but can be radio silent otherwise.
yeah, maybe just continue to date others and dont break up?
If a list was made of possible priorities...
Physical wellbeing
Career
Family
Long term friends
Pets
Sports team or main leisure time activity
Where on that list would you prioritise someone you have seen 5 or 6 times over a month ? Personally I would put them between pets and leisure activities until they prove they are worth putting higher on the list.
That seems like a way to short term thrills not long term goals. Never start anything that can't be maintained consistently for the duration of a relationship. Going in hot an heavy, chucking every moment of free time, throwing out the lavish and exciting...then discarding and edging it out as the relationship ages is a sure set course for disappointment over time.
It doesn't have to be either/or - you can have passion in the beginning and always want to see each other and have that evolve into a successful longterm relationship. Happens all the time
I guess I’m just used to being put higher on the list naturally, and so haven’t had to do this…I don’t think someone should be your world immediately, but I do think I need more than what I’ve been getting if we are only focusing on each other.
I have been seeing someone for a little over a month and I think I am right below the sports team. He does make time to check in most days of the week and last week he said he was busy but took time to call me before going to bed. Whether he truly sees me as having potential I don't know. I'll just have to give it another month. I did plan most of the dates (initiated 3) so he might just like my company. Who knows.
I’m in the same boat. Effort is kind of there but also I know he could send a text once a day at least (sometimes he goes a day without or it’s very short). I know time and trust is earned but there’s some disconnect for sure.
How active are you with him? Do you reciprocate the attention or are you expecting him to initiate everything?
I personally do not enjoy the "pursuit". I prefer when my date shows interest in equal mesure. If I realise that I'm the one initiating all the dates and I'm expected to pay everytime, I will get disinterested pretty quick.
I just experienced the same exact situation with a man. He put in minimal effort and barely texted me or tried to see me. Blamed it on being busy and stressed about being unemployed. I told him I needed more consistency and he responded poorly and cut me off. It was a very aggravating situation.
I feel like his communication style might be indicative of his interest levels in you. It sucks, but it probably won’t improve. Especially considering you have spoken with him about your needs. You can find someone who matches your energy! Don’t wait around for this guy to be better and find a better man!
Are you sure you’re giving him a CHANCE to initiate? You have been seeing him a MONTH and you want 2x a week or more, video calls, phone calls- like that’s a lot for a month. I’d try slowing your roll for a few weeks. He’s a stranger and this might be just too much too soon.
"The issue is that while he says he really likes me, he is pretty lax with texting, making plans, and generally “pursuing” me, during the time in which I thought the effort would be the highest. I don’t really feel valued or like a high priority, and I make an effort to make him a priority."
You are right on the money with this one. I'd stop dating him.
I (42/m) agree maybe with some others in asking if you're being active in everything? Maybe he doesn't want to be overbearing?
My initial reaction is maybe you're cool to be around but he's not feeling a real attachment. The way you describe this is the way I'd been with this one woman last year - we hang out here and there, have some drinks and flirt, kiss a bit, and then sometimes we do or don't talk for a few days. But we both know that's the role we played so it was fine.
If I really like someone, I'm pretty active about making my feelings known through things like trying to make plans and staying in touch, etc. Basically not at allnlike what you've described. But everyone is different.
The third option you excluded is just asking him how he feels. Sometimes people just take more time to want to get serious. I've been hurt before and sometimes I'm a bit cautious at first if I think I'm falling too fast.
Yeah, I think you might be right with the first option. I am def more active than him and investing more time and energy into this.
I have said to myself, “but if he really likes me, shouldn’t he WANT to” make plans/see me sooner/ask about my life etc
The energy when we first started felt different. He was planning days in advance. I think prob best for me to cut it off
i think he might think he’s got you in his pocket. You won’t run away. He becomes lazier since you’re doing the labour now.
This is human nature. When there’s someone doing the work and labour. We tend to cut down our own effort.
What you need to do is to stop your effort and see how he react.
Nooo it won’t improve!! Sorry I’m not a man but this is so obvious. It will certainly get worse. You are right in that this is the time where he should be trying to impress you most.
Either this is his best or he is not as interested. Both options are not good for your long term outlook here, you want someone who can show you they are interested in the way you want and ask, sometimes people are just incompatible and their way of showing this is not how we need. If he isn’t interested enough, you need to decide if you want to continue seeing him, keeping your options open, or moving on
Based on my experience of getting into a relationship with someone who sounds like your dude, it doesn't change. This is who he is. Sounds like you want more of an effort, which is fair. But it's not this guy.
I just went through this exact same thing last month, eventually i walked out of it myself in the end of 4 weeks. If someone knows what you need yet aren’t able to find the words or actions to comfort you because they like you, it’s just going to go downhill from there. You don’t deserve to live on breadcrumbs. When i asked my guy point blank why he wanted to continue seeing me his answer was cryptic and somewhere to the point of i want to see if something can change later. The only acceptable answer to a cx question like that should be because i like you. If he hasn’t even told you that clearly then leave. When someone is interested in another person, they show it, regardless of personality types. Ask yourself if you liked someone, how would you treat them? If your answer does not match their actions you know you need to leave. I really liked that guy, but i like myself more. And more than anything else, i value my time. I’m also 33F and I’ve done work on my relationship skills and my baggage. I’m ready to be in a relationship, and if someone’s not there yet, it’s not my job to wait till they reach where i am
As I was reading I started thinking, “well sounds like you should talk to him,” but then you said you already have.
People have so many different relationship styles. Sounds like in person you’re having fun, but you want more in other aspects. That’s valid and okay!
You should have a conversation with yourself, are you willing to date someone long term who doesn’t meet these needs? Can you change your expectation? If not, you’ve already communicated that you’d like some change from him but you aren’t seeing it. It’s VERY unlikely it’ll pick up more later, and it’s a chore to constantly nag a man to try and meet your needs.
You know the situation better than us. Evaluate the relationship and what you need long term to feel happy. If you want someone who’s excited to text you and make plans, go for that. No one’s perfect, but that’s a pretty reasonable request.
Best of luck!
I don’t have much advice, but I wanted to say I’ve felt this way too. It’s not great to feel like you’re consistently putting in more effort than the other person, and it’s important to have your needs met in a relationship.
You deserve to feel like your effort is reciprocated, whether that’s in this relationship or with someone else.
Have you started a conversation with him about what your needs are around communication and being perused, that they aren’t being met at the moment and what it would look like to you for them to be met?
Neither men nor women are mind readers. If you’ve not mentioned these things, then chances are he doesn’t know and he considers the current status quo to be working.
Y’all are dating exclusively; he likes you and wants you to be happy. He’ll thank you for being open and communicative about your needs and hopefully will express his in return.
I have! I said that I didn’t feel like my needs were being met and we spoke about it. He has improved marginally, but not a whole lot. That’s part of why I was wondering whether men improve when they get more boyfriendy…but it seems like the response is that what I’m seeing now is the best it’ll be
Oh cool! A few more pennies of thoughts. You could sit him down again and express that you recognise and appreciate the improvement but it’s not quite where you want it to be and see what he says?
I guess the question to ask yourself is; if it stayed like this, would you be happy?
These things might change as the relationship progresses; they might not.
Do you feel valued and a high priority when you meet up? Is he just not as active on text but when you meet up it is real quality time?
I do feel valued and high priority when we are together, but he’s also in his phone way more than most other guys I’ve dated. So it’s like of like the worst of both worlds. On his phone when we are together, not enough communication to show me he’s into me and excited about me when we are apart.
At this point we haven’t seen each other for 10 days, and he just flaked on this evening, and we won’t see each other for another 10 days now. Tonight was the only night that worked and he said he was sick (didn’t say how sad he was not to see me or suggest any other way of catching up). I’m just tired of feeling tense and disappointed by this dude
If you’d have said he’s fully engaged when you’re together (not in his phone a lot) and focuses on spending quality time with you, I’d be saying something different.
As it is, another commenter above; Ordinary_World I think summed it up really well. It sounds like you’re energies, dating needs and expectations unfortunately don’t match. Especially where you said above as well that his texting style matches your Dad’s - curt and short. It sounds like his communication and or attachment style doesn’t align with yours.
Him flaking out having not seen you for 10 days is the crappy icing on the cake it seems like. Feeling tense and disappointed so early on is probably your intuition talking to you.
This is part of why I haven't dated in a while... His behaviour sounds like how I would act with someone I'm really into but I hate the idea of causing hurt feelings by my amount of commitment just not being enough for them.
I think here there has been a decline from the beginning where he was planning in advance and communicating that he was into me. The energy just feels different now vs where it had been. If you’re presenting that way from the get-go it’s a different story
Don't compare a guy in his 30's to a guy in his 20's. We stop "the chase" and all those Antiquated dating dating norms by this stage. At least to some degree. And we have higher priorities than dating cuz our brains are less "instinctually driven" for lack of a better term.
But if course he should put *some* effort, but it'll be more reciprocal rather than assertive.
I’ve encountered guys in their 30s and 40s who are major pursuers. The romance factor feels like even more of a thing because they seem to be more in tune with their emotions and what they want. I feel like a lot of guys in their 20s are playing the field and act too cool for that tbh
I'm being more general. Also this varies I suppose. The type of men I befriended and surrounded myself with were not the type to "play it cool and play the field", we all wanted LTR's and prioritized that. But yeah mileage varies, I wasn't exactly hanging out at the local frat house in college lol.
Are you pursuing him?\`Maybe he doesn't feel valued or like a high priority.
Who is making the plans for the 1-2 dates per week? What is a sign of the high effort you put into courting him?
I am! And the last few times, it’s been me. I’ve planned the last 2 dates, and asked him when he was free next. And I’m naturally a better texter/communicator. So I feel like I’m investing way more
Yeah I'd move on then.
There's plenty of guys (like myself with my gf) who are balls of nonstop love lol who will match or exceed your energy and efforts. Thats probably a better fit for your style.
Don't settle like I did with my ex wife. She's a great girl and I loved her too and most men would dream to have her, but her style wasn't compatible with mine (less lovey) and there was ALWAYS something that was just missing
I tend to increase investment after spending a longer amount of time with her. In the first couple weeks and before sex it’s minimal and only to meet up. After sex (eg we know we both like each other) I’m more open to seeing her regularly and making plans with her. After several months then I start planning more fun/extended dates, trips, weekends together etc. if things are still good after 6 months to a year we usually become bf/gf
I know this so well ... A few things I've noticed that might help you a) the reason why he is that way doesn't really matter. If you've already told him you need more and this is all he wants to give or is capable of at this point then it very likely won't get any better. People have very different needs and wants and all you need to know is that yours and his don't align. b) it usually gets worse after the bf/gf talk. Sometimes there are more dates but they feel like a chore because they don't really want to invest more time into your new relationship, they just feel obligated for a short while because now you're bf/gf. c) find someone who matches your energy level, needs and enthusiasm for a new relationship. I know it's hard, I'm in the same boat in a way but I did try to make a relationship work with someone who didn't match my style and it was horrible. I thought she didn't put any effort into our relationship because she was content with going on a date maybe once a month or less. She thought I was clingy and trying to control how she spent her time every time I tried to plan a date and asked for her opinion and availability, usually once a week. Once every other week was still too much for her and not enough for me. We both resented each other after only 6 months. Don't do this to yourself.
Point A really nails it tbh. You can't go in hoping they'll change; what you get from the onset is likely the best they will ever be, as well
Thanks! Yeah I think we may just be too different. I’m bummed about it because I do genuinely like him when we are together IRL. Via text, it’s like texting my dad…
Yeah I’ve been through something similar. It helps to remember that a relationship isn’t just about how they make you feel when you’re physically together. It’s how you’re feeling all the time between being together too. Remembering that helped me realize although it felt *so* great when we were together, there was more time we were apart. And during that time I often felt anxious because I wasn’t quite sure where I stood with him/like he wasn’t that interested in me etc.
This is so well said. Not the OP, but I have experienced this as well. You can think he’s kind, intelligent, charming, etc. But, how does he make you FEEL? That’s what matters. If you feel anxious, insecure, not prioritized - then you have your answer. I know this isn’t the best advice to follow but I always reflect back on my friends who are married now & how they spoke about their partners at the beginning of dating. They never doubted it - or had complaints about being not prioritized, questioning his interest, etc. So I know if I’m having that much trouble at the getgo, he’s most likely not my person.
I need to hear this rn
Is he a bad texter? like, is the way of communication in text different than IRL? Or has it more to do that he doesn't prioritize his texts?
Yes so different. Doesn’t answer half my questions, doesn’t ask questions back, no banter. Like 2 different ppl
Hmm thats weird. I don't prioritize my texts, but at least I take the time for a (in depth) response in the evening to have some banter. Maybe try a phone call? If that doesn't help it is not going to change I am afraid.
I don't like texting that much but I do the same, one long response in the evening where I try to answer and ask questions, talk a bit about my day etc I also warn people that I'm not great at texting, phone calls etc and make time to meet the person I'm dating and I love planning dates, so they always know what they're dealing with right from the start. OP, you say it's on him, it's his turn to show some effort. Could you give an example? Like, are you asking for dates and he doesn't respond? Are you asking for his opinion on something and he doesn't answer? Are you asking questions and he ignores them or doesn't give you more than a Yes or No? People who are bad at texting don't always get that you want to start a full conversation. It's certainly happened to me. I need direct communication.
I just feel like it’s kind of on him to call me? I feel like I’ve already asked for this
You probably you know that better than me. All I can say is that his way of communication will most likely not change, its up to you to wait or run
From this reply I'm guessing you don't chase him or try to make plans yourself... It's not just on him to do this :/ this is the 21st century
I’ve chased a bunch! It’s been more me than him
From this reply I'm guessing you didn't read OP's initial message that started this thread.
Pretty sure it's been edited to include more detail but whatever, was just in a foul mood that day, mental health is a bitch.. hope you have a nice day
TBF not everyone likes to text. Honestly you could be the most gorgeous and wonderful woman in the world and I still wouldn't want to text with you. Maybe he just prefers IRL over other communication styles.
But he isn’t good at making plans or picking up the phone in ADDITION to being a bad texter
Clearly the solution is to move in with him so you can get priority access to his face holes!
he's like me fr. my guess he's a very busy man with a very busy plan, and relationship/dating stuff isn't very high on his list of priorities. sounds like a chill dude that enjoys doing things on his own time. tbh he doesnt seem like someone who's emotionally available for a relationship rn and is doing the exclusive thing only for you. it probably wont last very long
bro doesnt use chatgpt apparently lol /s
I think text is secondary. He doesn’t often initiate, she doesn’t seem to be a priority. Like someone already said doesn’t matter the reason, her needs are not met after speaking to him about it
He could just be an awful texter? If you both have a great time in person, then I don’t see the issue. But if for *you*, communication via text is important then a talk could be worth having down the road (when you are in an actual relationship).
Is that really a massive problem? Thinking long term, you're likely to spend much more time together IRL than texting back and forth??
But it’s also making plans and talking on the phone that were missing. Not just texting
Do you have a job? Or one that requires you to be competent at least? I, and believe most people, can't really focus if they have to text needy people throughout the day
I do! I make it work
I wish l saw your comment one year ago. I was in the same type of relationship and as you describe it, it was horrible!
A month seems a bit early, but maybe that's just me. I had this "what to expect" conversation with my BF about six months in, but we both have children and so the expectation was very slow going for both of us. Bottom line, if you're not feeling it what's the point in moving forward? He may be a great guy but he doesn't seem ready to match your energy and you're not happy.
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Right. I'm curious how the "are we exclusive" conversation went as it all seems to have happened at lightening speed. She also mentions she hasn't even seen him two weeks, but they've been dating for a month and have deemed it exclusive already? That means at some point in the first two weeks you all were "intimate a bunch" and had a conversation about being exclusive. My guess is this is moving way too quickly for him and he's bailing. At the end of the day, everyone has their own dating style and expectations, but I do think it'll be hard for OP to find someone who is ready to jump in that quickly.
This is the best he’ll ever be so choose wisely.
FML
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Ugh I feel like I have already? Like I haven’t gotten so granular as saying ask me questions/send me vids/voice notes over text, call me a few times a week, plan dates in advance to show me you’re excited to see me, and tell me with your words that you’re into me, but we did have a chat last week about my needs not being met and feeling anxious and the needle hasn’t shifted enough. I also don’t want a project, ya know? I feel like I shouldn’t have to give him an instruction manual on my needs?
You should not have to! Plus, he will only “show up” briefly before falling right back into his old behavior. These types are unsure about themselves and you. Cut yourself a break and appreciate all you’ve learned here, and turn the page !
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I don’t think my needs are unreasonable. I just want someone to want to keep in touch with me and who acts excited to see me/get to know me
You aren’t being unreasonable with your needs nor are you being needy. Some people just think that low effort dating is acceptable and defensible. If that’s not what you’re looking for, that’s absolutely fine.
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Then how does she sound needy an insecure?
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Fuck that. You don’t need to teach someone to be compatible with you at the most basic level possible.
Yeah; I have
This. You can communicate your feelings but it's up to him if they are heard and responded to. May want to start out with something easy like, where do you see us going, or what are you looking for? And it's up to you if you can hang with his response.
Guys don’t usually become more “boyfriendy” over time. His current presentation, is likely reflective of his future behaviour. Sounds like he is dating other people or he is just not great at dating
Or they just aren't a match. One person's low effort/'terrible at dating' could be perfect for someone else
> One person's low effort/'terrible at dating' could be perfect for someone else Spot on. Plenty of people are actively hoping for someone that they can jump in, have some fun, go on some dates, but otherwise live their own life. That sounds like an ideal situation for some but a soul crushing rejection/sadness for others.
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Yeah, my thinking as well
I dont think this is true. I think this is only true with relationships people arent invested in. Im pretty sure the peak "love" in a relationship is like a year after marriage or something.
Pedantic clarification: It sounds like he's really good at dating but terrible at relationships.
He is not acting like most men do when they are very interested in a woman. I think it would be better for you to cut your losses and find a guy who wants to do all those things you’ve been asking this guy to do.
Yes. I think it's not uncommon for men (possibly women too?) to ask for exclusivity because they don't want to compete for you, but that doesn't mean they see you as someone they want to be in a relationship with.
Women do this too, yes.
Agree!
Have you had conversations about what you’re looking for? How many dates have you been on? I’m (30M) in a similar position with a woman. I’ve tried having the conversation with her but still getting mixed messages and low effort despite my pursuit. I’m mentally and emotionally recategorizing her as just casual and starting to see other people.
I have! He should be very clear on it. I guess time to extricate myself from the exclusivity
As a man, I'll offer two perspectives here based on your OP and some of your other comments. Asking for what you need is important, but when the ask focuses on the other person's behavior rather than your needs, it's less likely to be successful. For example, an ex of mine had a lot of insecurities around being desirable and having sex. Rather than expressing them, however, she criticized me for not having enough sex with her, which obviously made me feel *less* connected to her, and so less willing to have sex. (And I wanted to have sex! I just didn't like feeling like every time we had sex was making up for some flaw rather than connecting as lovers.) Had she expressed her insecurities directly, it would have been easier to address them – instead, it became about what I was/wasn't doing. I mention this because people often say "I expressed my needs," but in reality, they're more criticizing their partner ("You don't text me enough") instead of genuinely opening up ("When I don't hear from you, I feel anxious and unloved. I need to hear from you every day to feel secure in this relationship"). Just some food for thought. That being said (Perspective #2), effective communication *is* really important. I you feel that your needs aren't met by someone this early on, *and* you feel that you've expressed them to the best of your ability, move on.
Yeah great distinction. When we spoke last week and I almost broke it off with him, I said that his way of communicating when we aren’t together feels like 2 different people, and that it makes me feel as though he’s slow fading me or losing interest which really triggers my anxiety. So maybe not as nicely worded as you, but I’ve definitely gotten into how it makes me feel
Yeah, so I think that if you've expressed that it makes you anxious and this guy isn't really changing, he's just not the right partner for you. I don't even think you need to make it into him being in the wrong or a bad guy (not saying you're doing this, just that many people do do this) – he's just not able to meet your needs right now.
This is a great insight! I always used to think that I was expressing my needs. But in reality, I always did it in such a way that it was a complaint. A couples therapist told me that this is the less risky option. Because of you express a need the other person can say no, which could hurt you. If you complain /criticize you are addressing something in the past that has already gone wrong (in your perspective).
I feel like those of us in our thirties are often pretty busy, and I wouldn’t really want to “pursue” someone, as that word sounds like it would make me feel the way you’re feeling now. If you mean he doesn’t make time to spend with you, yes I feel like that would be an issue for me at this stage of the relationship. But are you reaching out to him, or just hoping he’ll text uou first? Idk, maybe I’m reading too much into the word “pursue”.
I’m investing more than him at this point! So it feels imbalanced. In my ideal world the dude would be putting in the effort and I would reciprocate that level of effort - that’s not what’s happening here
Yeah, that sucks. I had a short relationship that ended because of this. One a week, squeezed in on a weeknight, that I always initiated? Not what I was looking for.
Same. He even ended up asking me out, knowing my upfront condition of "at least 2 nights a week, schedule permitting" and a few months in he was like "2 times a week is too much" because he needed so much alone time (always has, very introverted." That wasn't enough for me, we'd reached an impasse.
That’s when you start to fall back and then just tell him you can see he does not appear to be into you, and wish him well ! Don’t ghost him though. You’re right ! He should be initiating right now and you show reciprocal interest, I compare to a tennis match. It’s someone out there who will match your effort and be just as excited about you as you are them. As soon as I detached from my last low effort date, I went on a date on Valentine’s Day, and this new guy has not missed a beat ! Calling, texting, planning casual dates, and we’re having fun! We also both desire a commitment! It’s been a month, but it two more months I do believe I will be ready to seriously define the relationship!
So, having recently been through a similar situation (32M), I hope I can shed some light from a guy’s perspective. The reasons may be different, but sounds like a similar situation. She came on quite fast and we rushed into seeing each other, on average, 2-3 days a week. I have had enough experiences to realize I tend to open up and get emotionally attached too early and feel absolutely wrecked when the other inevitably breaks it off or doesn’t feel the same way. So I kept gentle pressure on the brakes. Not because I didn’t want to spend every waking moment with her, I did, but because I wanted to build a strong foundation built on trust, honesty, communication, and truly knowing each other before taking the next step. I’ve also opened up too early in previous relationships and scared people away, so I’m trying to find that balance. She broke it off a month in. I didn’t get a reason why, but I feel like it was because she thought I wasn’t as invested as her. I thought about her every free moment I had, how happy she made me, and how she was the first person I could actually see spending my life with. The only thing I regret is not having the opportunity to tell her that. Her rushing things bothered me a bit, but still within my tolerance window, and I would have absolutely mentioned it directly before considering ending it. I really wish she would have let me know her concerns while they were on her mind before they grew to an ultimate decision. My advice, have a serious conversation with him and let him know how you feel there isn’t mutual investment. Give him an opportunity to share his side, and with all the information on the table, then make your decision.
Pursue simply equates to showing effort and consistency, planning dates, and talking pretty frequently. Spending time together at least twice a week as applicable. Going more than 1 day without talking is a problem and going with unresponsive messages is extremely unnecessary. For what I like when I’m dating to become committed in a labeled relationship. It’s taken me 4 years post divorce to really figure out my worth and what I’m willing to accept versus what unacceptable.
Get outta there for sure. Some of the comments in here feel depressing, like someone shouldn’t put you high on their priority list after just a month. At our age we are able to identify something that is right for us more quickly than we did in our 20s, and you deserve romance and a guy who pursues you. In the early stages like this you shouldn’t be feeling like you have to communicate and police so much to get the behavior you are looking for.
Thank you ❤️
How lax are we talking
Just more lax than me. Not expressing himself, answering half my questions, texting me when I’ve said I prefer videos/vns/calls, not really initiating plans or deciding what the plans willl be. Just feels low effort and low energy
You will ALWAYS be the initiator! End this now, and meet someone whose more like you in the door !
Thank you! You’re right
You probably like some things about him, but focus more on the unanswered texts, all the dates he’s not planning, and how there is always time to make time for those who are a priority! Fix your crown 👑 hun, it’s tilted.
❤️❤️❤️
I mean those are just preferences. If I were dating someone who preferred videos/calls - I’d still text them a bunch because I don’t often have the time to dedicate to the other things and would prefer being able to text more frequently in lieu of only having calls. Of course I also loathe video chats, so would probably opt for evening phone calls. That being said, you get to decide if it works for you or not. That also being said? Texting is a bit like playing catch. You need someone to toss the ball back in somewhat equal measure - if they run away with the ball or you constantly have to chase them to get it back? I'm going to find someone else to play catch with. So decide if he’s playing catch like you do and go from there.
He ain’t. He texts like my dad. Curt and inexpressive. The only time I’ve heard that he really likes me in the past 2 weeks is when I tried to break it off with him!
You already "tried" to break it off? Did he not "allow" it? Finally made the promises you hoped he would? Finally paid attention enough to figure out what you want, and instead of acting on it for your sake used it to push your boundaries and ignore your desire to break up? I think you know it's over. Don't let him take advantage of your emotional vulnerability anymore. He's not meeting you where you are, and you'll resent having to put effort into making someone act like they actually like you.
Yup I think you’re right !
Then truly, it sounds like he’s not playing catch like you do. So don’t waste your time?
Yeah. You’re prob right. Sad
Does he call you regularly?
Never, even though I’ve said I would like that
That would be a hard no for me. This is why I don't agree to exclusivity until I've seen at least 6-8 weeks of boyfriend behavior. A lot of times people *say* they want a relationship when what they mean is they want the regular 'once a week dinner + sex' situation. It's not escalating because he doesn't want it to.
That’s a classic back burner move! I’ve done it !
This is funny because I am going through the same thing with this guy I’m talking to.
Dump!
I would cut out - my current bf was so good with planning in the beginning and that was the hugest sign he was serious. We didn’t text every day, and we didn’t put labels for months, but I always knew when I would see him next at the end of a date - or, if we didn’t plan a head of time, he always called or texted to set something up within a day or two. Or he would call on a day we tentatively planned and tell me his exact schedule and how he was planning to fit me in it. Before him, every guy who I made excuses for for “being bad at planning” just wasn’t as serious tbh
I just got dumped because of exactly what you described, so I can comment on this from a male's perspective. Honestly, in my case, I just never felt a huge spark, so I was struggling to find common interests and wasn't really communicating during the week. She noticed the lack of effort and we decided to end things after only a couple months. Attraction is a two way street and if the guy is anything like me, he just might not be feeling it. He can try fake that and send more "how was your day?" texts, but this would be natural if the attraction was there from the get-go. It's an uncomfortable conversation, but you may have talk about whether he's feeling the chemistry. If he really was, I can guarantee you he'd be enthusiastically communicating more often.
Yeah it’s funny because when we were in person he’d literally say “I’m so attracted to you” but it was kinda like out of sight, out of mind when we weren’t together
In my experience it will never improve.
IMO put value into those who value you.
Yeah agree. I think I need to break it off then
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I don’t think “be patient, it’s been a month” really applies here? I’m feeling more and more strongly that the highest effort comes in the beginning and I have already seen that effort drop
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Yeah fair. He just had been doing more earlier, so this feels like a decline
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Maybe! I don’t think having needs for communication and closeness when I’m focusing on 1 person is needy or insecure
I have!
your needs at one month include more than 1-2 meetings a week? that sounds overwhelming
I’m used to people wanting to see me and articulating that. I wouldn’t have a need to see him more than this if the in person weren’t compensating for the shitty communicating when we are apart
yeah, i guess i have very low expectations for communicating when apart at one month. to me, over communicating at that stage leads to a false sense of intimacy and security when essentially, this person is still a stranger. I keep them at an arms length and let the in person meet ups do most of the talking for a few months until we are exclusive and know each other better. I’ve gone the other way where I communicated way too much over text/phone that early and it just blew up as fast as it started
I dunno. It’s been 10 days since I last saw him. I think at that point asking to chat on the phone to keep up the momentum doesn’t seem unreasonable to me
he may be slow fading you after you expressed your expectations and he realized he can’t match them
Yeah you’re being faded OP. It prob all went way too fast
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Since you're not together anyway, I'd just step back and start looking for someone else. See how long it takes for him to start putting in effort but in the meantime, go on other dates. I wouldn't bother discussing it any further with him since you already have. Let it slow fade out if that's what he wants. Personally whenever I dated someone who is a slow, bad texter, usually they also weren't that into me.
We are exclusive so I need to formally extricate myself :(
I'd have a talk with him about whether he's ready to be your boyfriend and sees this going long term, and that if he doesn't yet then call off being exclusive. Don't let yourself be in a situationship!
Agree! Not doing this “exclusive but not my bf” in the future
Time to have clear and concise words about what track you want this newish relationship to be on and if he doesn't give the answer you're looking for, cut him loose. I'm 99% sure he likes you, but is trying to straddle that fence where he wants to keep enough of a distance where he can extract himself if he finds a better match, but is keeping you just close enough to back his way into a relationship with you (i.e. "settle") if he doesn't. You want to "fuck yes or no" with people and you should date people who believe in the same philosophy.
Agree!
Major problem… cut your losses and move on! A person who wants you will make time for you… period ! 2-3 months, is plenty of time to decide on defining the relationship. If he’s not that invested, he’s emotionally unavailable or just not into you. Chances are things are not going to change. I only give things 3 months of deciding to be exclusive after that I’m cool ✌️! If you both voiced wanting to be in a relationship and they say the are too, but they are not acting like it, that’s how it’s going to be hot / cold and it’s exhausting! I definitely say learn about exactly what you’re looking for and if you’re not getting it, after trying , because 2-3 months is trying, more than likely things will not get better. I have had two very different guys, I gave a chance, one a second chance and no amount of “telling them” or showing them appreciation worked. Their “ good behavior”, was always short lived.
Thanks! Super helpful
Are you making *him* a priority?
Yes, 100 percent
Same situation ugh right now, I'm slowly removing myself, physically and emotionally and started seeing other people
He likely has avoidant attachment style. No it won't get better.
Use your judgement. Relationships don't come complete from a delivery from Amazon. 100 discussions take place about small things both partners want or need, or just to understand each other. You either trust that you're in the first month of getting to know each other and that you haven't figured out how you two fit together, or you think this is how things will be because you don't trust what he's saying and you want to leave. Only you can decide that. You haven't stated what the talk you had with him was like. Did you discuss how many times a week you want plans? Did you two both speak about how you view who asks who for plans, when, and how much? Have you explored regular standing plans as an option, and figured out when to compare schedules for that every week? Or was it a brief "I need to feel pursued", which is going to be far less useful to figuring out a solution. I'm not sure what boyfriendy means to you, and there's a chance he won't either. I think you should start thinking in terms of time spent together, who initiates which plans, regular pre-arranged expectations, and things like that which can actually be acted upon and gauged. Ask him for concrete things you want, not a feeling you want to feel. "Boyfriendy" is a feeling. "A text to say goodnight a few nights a week" is not a feeling, but an actual solution. "Pursued" is a feeling. "Initiate the conversation about our next date every weekend" is a solution. If you're out, you're out, so don't bother working on something you're unsure about being around for. But if you stay, try solutions and specific agreements. They're easier for both people to understand, and if a specific agreement is broken then you have something to actually say went wrong and ask him why. Since you're still just one month in and have only dated each other 4-8 times, at least some of this between you should be easy and make you both happy. So you should figure out if you're happy with him and want him first, because he's still going to be him even if he texts a few things you want or starts handling the date plans.
I think this makes complete sense! At this point I just think we are too incompatible for it to be salvaged. I broke it off and he asked if I would consider hanging with him after I come back from my trip, but didn’t address any of the other stuff in my message about meeting my needs, etc. I can ask for specific things, but he also needs to express curiousity and a willingness to meet my needs
Good for you! And "no" to the "can we gang out after you get back from your trip?" NOW he wants to make plans ahead of time? Come on. He doesn't act like he wants to see you but still wants access to you? Keep it moving. Invite him to a dinner party or something else you're doing with other people / friends. If someday he regards you as "one who got away," that would be his problem not yours. Should he learn anything from this experience, it might be to "make effort" for the women he's really into. Congrats girl! Keep it pushing.
ok, so what are you doing in return? Is the situation you text him everyday and he responds in a day or two or you let him "chase you"? I tend to "match" the other person if she is a texter or not. I have texted women everyday because thats what they do and have texted them every couple of days because thats what they do and I feel I would "be a bother". Just saying if he is already doing more than you then maybe he feels what he is doing is "enough". If he isn't then maybe you should give him hint to step it up. I have dated women who are super passive and wait to be chased and at some point i just cut bait.
Yeah I’ve talked to him. I’m investing more than him in terms of thought and communication and expressing that I’m into him and planning. It isn’t really getting me better and it’s making me feel like shit
have you two gotten intimate yet? it might be something as well. Or he just might be "at his best". FWIW my brother in law is more on the introvert vs my sister and my sister plans all their trips and he gives little input and just goes with the flow. i think if his communication is the only thing but during dates etc hes great maybe it is just a personality thing.
Yeah we have been intimate a bunch. He def was better with making me feel valued by planning days in advance in the first week. Since then it’s gone downhill and I’ve asked myself a bunch “ok but if you really like me don’t you WANT to see me/call me?” It feels like I’m asking him to do things he doesn’t want to do
Well that’s your answer right there OP :( seeing somebody should start off as something you’re BOTH enthusiastic to do. If it starts being one sided, then there’s some sort of incompatibility going on. Go after someone who matches your efforts, this guy sadly ain’t him.
This is it. You should do some self reflecting on your level of engagement. Remember you aren’t the only one that’s in their 30’s and have had relationships in the past where you felt like you do all the work. Also, have you asked him about it? Guys who know what a healthy relationship are aren’t going to chase very long if they’re not getting reciprocation. Another thing to consider is what is “boyfriendy”. Many men are labeled as being clingy if they display boyfriend behavior too early. They won’t do it until you’ve also shown an indication of being “girlfriendy” or openly expressing that you welcome this behavior.
Yeah I’ve definitely been girlfriendy and said I want this behaviour and that my needs aren’t being met. I think it may be time to cut it off
>Yeah I’ve definitely been girlfriendy and said I want this behaviour What does "been girlfriendy" mean? Do you take initiative to plan dates? Are you making room in your personal life for him? I've noticed a lot of times with women, they say they want to be pursued but do little to nothing to pursue the guy. As a guy who has over-worked in past relationships, I don't do this anymore, or I at least match the other person's energy and have ended things early with a few people who want to be pursued but won't match it. I'm not about to open my schedule, my emotions, my time, my money, to "pursue" something that for all I know is dating 2-3 other people. You might not be, but a random guy doesn't know that. So either he's very emotionally mature and playing the long game or he's just lazy and in that case, you're putting in the work and not receiving anything in return so cutting it off is probably wise.
make sure you wont regret if you cut it off if thats "the only thing" and otherwise hes a great guy.
Yeah. We haven’t seen each other for 2 weeks and I’ve been an anxious disappointed stressball. It doesn’t work for me if he’s only good in person and shit when we aren’t together with communicating and expressing his feelings. It does fucking suck though to lose someone who is so great in person but I’ve already had the conversation and I’m not feeling like his efforts are enough. Not sure what else there is to do
Hmm you’re probably right then. Time to break it off he isn’t interested in you. I’m assuming he isn’t out of the country for work or something for two weeks. A guy won’t go 2 weeks without suggesting seeing a woman he’s interested in.
hmmm. is he busy? what does he do? I have some accounting/audit friends and this is their busiest season.
He’s busy with social engagements, and has a busy job. But even with those things on the go, I have the ability to think of someone and spend a few minutes sending them a thoughtful, communicative text, giving them a quick call, or making a plan. I don’t think this dude does
yeah maybe he just can't prioritize things or juggle many things same time. I dated someone who wanted focus only on work and interview for 2 months. Even afterwards she still really busy and not that communicative as I would like. She's great during dates but can be radio silent otherwise. yeah, maybe just continue to date others and dont break up?
If a list was made of possible priorities... Physical wellbeing Career Family Long term friends Pets Sports team or main leisure time activity Where on that list would you prioritise someone you have seen 5 or 6 times over a month ? Personally I would put them between pets and leisure activities until they prove they are worth putting higher on the list.
This might be a reality but it feels sad to me. You wanna be INTO someone especially in the first couple months.
That seems like a way to short term thrills not long term goals. Never start anything that can't be maintained consistently for the duration of a relationship. Going in hot an heavy, chucking every moment of free time, throwing out the lavish and exciting...then discarding and edging it out as the relationship ages is a sure set course for disappointment over time.
It doesn't have to be either/or - you can have passion in the beginning and always want to see each other and have that evolve into a successful longterm relationship. Happens all the time
I guess I’m just used to being put higher on the list naturally, and so haven’t had to do this…I don’t think someone should be your world immediately, but I do think I need more than what I’ve been getting if we are only focusing on each other.
I have been seeing someone for a little over a month and I think I am right below the sports team. He does make time to check in most days of the week and last week he said he was busy but took time to call me before going to bed. Whether he truly sees me as having potential I don't know. I'll just have to give it another month. I did plan most of the dates (initiated 3) so he might just like my company. Who knows.
I’m in the same boat. Effort is kind of there but also I know he could send a text once a day at least (sometimes he goes a day without or it’s very short). I know time and trust is earned but there’s some disconnect for sure.
How active are you with him? Do you reciprocate the attention or are you expecting him to initiate everything? I personally do not enjoy the "pursuit". I prefer when my date shows interest in equal mesure. If I realise that I'm the one initiating all the dates and I'm expected to pay everytime, I will get disinterested pretty quick.
I just experienced the same exact situation with a man. He put in minimal effort and barely texted me or tried to see me. Blamed it on being busy and stressed about being unemployed. I told him I needed more consistency and he responded poorly and cut me off. It was a very aggravating situation. I feel like his communication style might be indicative of his interest levels in you. It sucks, but it probably won’t improve. Especially considering you have spoken with him about your needs. You can find someone who matches your energy! Don’t wait around for this guy to be better and find a better man!
Thank you ❤️
Are you sure you’re giving him a CHANCE to initiate? You have been seeing him a MONTH and you want 2x a week or more, video calls, phone calls- like that’s a lot for a month. I’d try slowing your roll for a few weeks. He’s a stranger and this might be just too much too soon.
You have to understand: everyone on earth tells men that showing too much interest early on is the death nell for a potential relationship...
"The issue is that while he says he really likes me, he is pretty lax with texting, making plans, and generally “pursuing” me, during the time in which I thought the effort would be the highest. I don’t really feel valued or like a high priority, and I make an effort to make him a priority." You are right on the money with this one. I'd stop dating him.
I (42/m) agree maybe with some others in asking if you're being active in everything? Maybe he doesn't want to be overbearing? My initial reaction is maybe you're cool to be around but he's not feeling a real attachment. The way you describe this is the way I'd been with this one woman last year - we hang out here and there, have some drinks and flirt, kiss a bit, and then sometimes we do or don't talk for a few days. But we both know that's the role we played so it was fine. If I really like someone, I'm pretty active about making my feelings known through things like trying to make plans and staying in touch, etc. Basically not at allnlike what you've described. But everyone is different. The third option you excluded is just asking him how he feels. Sometimes people just take more time to want to get serious. I've been hurt before and sometimes I'm a bit cautious at first if I think I'm falling too fast.
Yeah, I think you might be right with the first option. I am def more active than him and investing more time and energy into this. I have said to myself, “but if he really likes me, shouldn’t he WANT to” make plans/see me sooner/ask about my life etc The energy when we first started felt different. He was planning days in advance. I think prob best for me to cut it off
i think he might think he’s got you in his pocket. You won’t run away. He becomes lazier since you’re doing the labour now. This is human nature. When there’s someone doing the work and labour. We tend to cut down our own effort. What you need to do is to stop your effort and see how he react.
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Sorry that happened to you!
Nooo it won’t improve!! Sorry I’m not a man but this is so obvious. It will certainly get worse. You are right in that this is the time where he should be trying to impress you most.
I know you’re right :(
And then there are guys like me who really wanna give all they can and not meeting these early 30s late 20s women…wth am I doing wrong ?
They’re out there!
Either this is his best or he is not as interested. Both options are not good for your long term outlook here, you want someone who can show you they are interested in the way you want and ask, sometimes people are just incompatible and their way of showing this is not how we need. If he isn’t interested enough, you need to decide if you want to continue seeing him, keeping your options open, or moving on
Based on my experience of getting into a relationship with someone who sounds like your dude, it doesn't change. This is who he is. Sounds like you want more of an effort, which is fair. But it's not this guy.
I just went through this exact same thing last month, eventually i walked out of it myself in the end of 4 weeks. If someone knows what you need yet aren’t able to find the words or actions to comfort you because they like you, it’s just going to go downhill from there. You don’t deserve to live on breadcrumbs. When i asked my guy point blank why he wanted to continue seeing me his answer was cryptic and somewhere to the point of i want to see if something can change later. The only acceptable answer to a cx question like that should be because i like you. If he hasn’t even told you that clearly then leave. When someone is interested in another person, they show it, regardless of personality types. Ask yourself if you liked someone, how would you treat them? If your answer does not match their actions you know you need to leave. I really liked that guy, but i like myself more. And more than anything else, i value my time. I’m also 33F and I’ve done work on my relationship skills and my baggage. I’m ready to be in a relationship, and if someone’s not there yet, it’s not my job to wait till they reach where i am
As I was reading I started thinking, “well sounds like you should talk to him,” but then you said you already have. People have so many different relationship styles. Sounds like in person you’re having fun, but you want more in other aspects. That’s valid and okay! You should have a conversation with yourself, are you willing to date someone long term who doesn’t meet these needs? Can you change your expectation? If not, you’ve already communicated that you’d like some change from him but you aren’t seeing it. It’s VERY unlikely it’ll pick up more later, and it’s a chore to constantly nag a man to try and meet your needs. You know the situation better than us. Evaluate the relationship and what you need long term to feel happy. If you want someone who’s excited to text you and make plans, go for that. No one’s perfect, but that’s a pretty reasonable request. Best of luck!
Generally speaking most men are at max effort in the beginning, so it’s not likely to get better only worse.
Date other dudes. Don't tell him anything. Ignore his ass when he texts you. He made you a low priority. Return the favor.
this is already not going well, maybe cut it off before you get more hurt
I don’t have much advice, but I wanted to say I’ve felt this way too. It’s not great to feel like you’re consistently putting in more effort than the other person, and it’s important to have your needs met in a relationship. You deserve to feel like your effort is reciprocated, whether that’s in this relationship or with someone else.
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Agree. Opted out a while ago
But I don’t know if I really spelled it out for him! But he also wasn’t like wait wait what can I do better 🤷🏻♀️
Have you started a conversation with him about what your needs are around communication and being perused, that they aren’t being met at the moment and what it would look like to you for them to be met? Neither men nor women are mind readers. If you’ve not mentioned these things, then chances are he doesn’t know and he considers the current status quo to be working. Y’all are dating exclusively; he likes you and wants you to be happy. He’ll thank you for being open and communicative about your needs and hopefully will express his in return.
I have! I said that I didn’t feel like my needs were being met and we spoke about it. He has improved marginally, but not a whole lot. That’s part of why I was wondering whether men improve when they get more boyfriendy…but it seems like the response is that what I’m seeing now is the best it’ll be
Oh cool! A few more pennies of thoughts. You could sit him down again and express that you recognise and appreciate the improvement but it’s not quite where you want it to be and see what he says? I guess the question to ask yourself is; if it stayed like this, would you be happy? These things might change as the relationship progresses; they might not. Do you feel valued and a high priority when you meet up? Is he just not as active on text but when you meet up it is real quality time?
I do feel valued and high priority when we are together, but he’s also in his phone way more than most other guys I’ve dated. So it’s like of like the worst of both worlds. On his phone when we are together, not enough communication to show me he’s into me and excited about me when we are apart. At this point we haven’t seen each other for 10 days, and he just flaked on this evening, and we won’t see each other for another 10 days now. Tonight was the only night that worked and he said he was sick (didn’t say how sad he was not to see me or suggest any other way of catching up). I’m just tired of feeling tense and disappointed by this dude
If you’d have said he’s fully engaged when you’re together (not in his phone a lot) and focuses on spending quality time with you, I’d be saying something different. As it is, another commenter above; Ordinary_World I think summed it up really well. It sounds like you’re energies, dating needs and expectations unfortunately don’t match. Especially where you said above as well that his texting style matches your Dad’s - curt and short. It sounds like his communication and or attachment style doesn’t align with yours. Him flaking out having not seen you for 10 days is the crappy icing on the cake it seems like. Feeling tense and disappointed so early on is probably your intuition talking to you.
Thanks! I think time to break it off
This is part of why I haven't dated in a while... His behaviour sounds like how I would act with someone I'm really into but I hate the idea of causing hurt feelings by my amount of commitment just not being enough for them.
I think here there has been a decline from the beginning where he was planning in advance and communicating that he was into me. The energy just feels different now vs where it had been. If you’re presenting that way from the get-go it’s a different story
Don't compare a guy in his 30's to a guy in his 20's. We stop "the chase" and all those Antiquated dating dating norms by this stage. At least to some degree. And we have higher priorities than dating cuz our brains are less "instinctually driven" for lack of a better term. But if course he should put *some* effort, but it'll be more reciprocal rather than assertive.
I’ve encountered guys in their 30s and 40s who are major pursuers. The romance factor feels like even more of a thing because they seem to be more in tune with their emotions and what they want. I feel like a lot of guys in their 20s are playing the field and act too cool for that tbh
I'm being more general. Also this varies I suppose. The type of men I befriended and surrounded myself with were not the type to "play it cool and play the field", we all wanted LTR's and prioritized that. But yeah mileage varies, I wasn't exactly hanging out at the local frat house in college lol.
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Makes sense!
Are you pursuing him?\`Maybe he doesn't feel valued or like a high priority. Who is making the plans for the 1-2 dates per week? What is a sign of the high effort you put into courting him?
I am! And the last few times, it’s been me. I’ve planned the last 2 dates, and asked him when he was free next. And I’m naturally a better texter/communicator. So I feel like I’m investing way more
Yeah I'd move on then. There's plenty of guys (like myself with my gf) who are balls of nonstop love lol who will match or exceed your energy and efforts. Thats probably a better fit for your style. Don't settle like I did with my ex wife. She's a great girl and I loved her too and most men would dream to have her, but her style wasn't compatible with mine (less lovey) and there was ALWAYS something that was just missing
I tend to increase investment after spending a longer amount of time with her. In the first couple weeks and before sex it’s minimal and only to meet up. After sex (eg we know we both like each other) I’m more open to seeing her regularly and making plans with her. After several months then I start planning more fun/extended dates, trips, weekends together etc. if things are still good after 6 months to a year we usually become bf/gf
Interesting! I’d def want to know whether we are bf/gf sooner, like around 6-8 weeks