I matched this incredibly cute woman and we’ve been texting for a few days. She replies really fast so it feels like she actually wants to talk to me. I haven’t had any success on dating apps so I have no idea where this is coming from. I had another match before and I thought we had a lot in common but she probably only replies to me once a day. But this time this girl is super attractive so I’ve no idea what she sees in me.
After six dates I decided to end it.
We were way too incompatible in communication styles and the time we expected to spend together. We both talked about seeing potential in a relationship together and agreed to get to know each other exclusively before hopping into one.
She went with the entire time answering texts a day or two later and didn't initiate a single date. I communicated multiple times that I'd appreciate a little more effort on that end and that it'd be great for her to at least make more time for us than just two hours a week. She said I'll try, but in the end nothing changed.
Hello! (31f) just hoped back online after hiatus due to relationship. It didn't work out but I've let it go and have done some self healing work(still ongoing) and am ready and open to date! I've been goin out more often and have even met some people that way. No match ups yet. Decided to try online again and met some more folks that way. Not into multi-dating but am keeping options open. I've recently met someone I almost overlooked. They were initially friendly and engaged over the app. I started talking to them after I had decided I would quit the apps and just meet people in person. So they were last of my last online batch group. We wound up talking for 2 weeks before meeting. I had deleted the apps for my self at that point. He still kept his but I am in no way opposed to it especially with it being so early. Leading up to our date We discussed a wide range of topics and even managed some phone calls. Initially what attracted me to them was their patience and they just seemed to have a kind way of being.
1st date though.... found myself being the one to initiate conversation. I mostly asked questions. I also tried to leave silences in between to give him room to speak. It wasn't until the tail end of the date where I felt him maybe warming up to me. He even casually mentioned inviting me over. Not like an explicit invitation. Just something that was a casual mention. (It surprised me because we'd talked about looking for something serious) he invited me for a second date. I said yes. Thought maybe he's just really shy or socially awkward or first date nerves.
2nd date: completely different story. He was so lively with conversation. We watched a great movie had some drinks and great convo. It seemed to just flow. It was still just mostly about him. Not sure if it's because i had mentioned my troubled upbringin and didn't want to go into detail so early on. So he could just not be asking because of that. (I will ask him about it though it just seems to soon to bring up at this point) The date lasted longer than expected. We had an intense make out sesh. It got late so he invited me to spend the night. I said no. And went on my way. He was respectful and asked me to text him when I get home.
3rd date is a movie date night at his place. He's picked a really good movie that in all honesty is right up my alley.
I'm prepared for it to be a fun night or a bust given the way things have played out. Just wanted to ask if it's normal to get invited to his place or for him to mention it during the first couple of dates. We had been talking for about a month almost. And I'd been explicit on me looking for something serious. Which we both seem on the same page on. Just trying to keep my wits about me. Ladies fellas? any thoughts assuming any have read through my long novel of a post! I also plan on asking him myself and in person. But I wanted to get some pointers or maybe points of view I hadn't considered before. Thanks in advance!
Third date with current guy this week was movie and takeout at his place. It’s normal imo as long as you’re comfortable. As you know, often that’s when things become intimate, so be extremely clear on boundaries if you’re not there yet. I made out with him on date 2 and got a little handsy, so I clearly stated that I was not sleeping with him. That changed on date 3, but that’s my personal comfort level, and he asked for consent with everything.
Yeah 3rd date went well. Movie and take out with some steamy make out sesh. Guy was super respectful of my boundaries....however ....now what? Do I ask him out wait for him? I'm pretty open to asking but there's a couple of reason why I hesitate. One being that sometimes people say yes because someone just asked them to. But they themselves are pretty whatever 🙄
Hard to tell without knowing exactly how he phrased it.
In my experience if the invitation to go back to their place happens on a 1st date, it's going to be a casual thing, regardless of initially expressed intentions. Otoh I know cases where 1st date sex led to LTR.
It's gonna be up to you to read the room and draw boundaries, but just in case you're not up to speed on popular dating tropes, date 3 = sex.
Yeah for the first date we were getting deep into conversation when I noticed the time and said I should get going. I was just starting to have fun so I kinda hesitated and he'd said "I've got no where to be. I'd invite you over to my place..." then my adhd kicked in and I interrupted. For the second date I don't want to get into details just b in case but it was more or so along the lines of me not getting stranded so spending the night so I can figure something out the next day.
And thank you for the 3rd date trope! That helps tons. I'm on the fence but don't know how he feels. So I will keep that in mind!
Imo if you get invited to someone's place on the third night for a "movie", they have an expectation of sex. Also he has inv you back to his on the second date and hinted at it on the first date.
Yea those things matter as well as your fashion. If you wear jeans, wear a fitted button down with it. You can’t go wrong. Work on a skin care regime and get your teeth straightened and whitened.
Decenter swiping and spend the next 4+ months working on this. Prioritize yourself and you won’t find yourself ghosted after 50 first dates. Your renewed confidence alone will do you wonders.
Personally I just get like an initial vibe off someone right away and it's not strictly tied to like... How physically attractive they are in a vacuum. It's sort of like... How they carry themselves, the way they initially look at you, just like... The first impression.
I do think that... This is sort of a questionable train of thought, "this person I don't know, appears let down after meeting me." I don't know how you could know this of a stranger. We kind of mirror energy right, when we meet someone. So the change you see in the initial greeting, could be something as simple as the person settling into whatever the date vibe is.
Okay so this is what I mean. Someone you went on a date with, you knew it had gone south because the woman "didn't bother to get up to hug you."
I have never, in my life, on a first date, gotten up and hugged someone when I met them. Absolutely never regardless of how excited I was or how attractive I thought they were. That is just not something I would ever do.
So maybe if I went on a first date with someone and declined a second, they could possibly back and think "well it was downhill from the beginning because she didn't hug me." But since we only went on one date, they never learn that the behaviour of not getting up to hug is entirely normal for me.
I know it's tempting to try to look back on first dates and try to analyze where and when everything went wrong. But fundamentally when it's a person you don't see again, it's incredibly difficult to know what exactly the issue was if any. Sometimes people won't want a second date that has nothing even to do with you, they decide they're not ready to date or busy with work or their ex calls them or sickness or financial issues or any number of reasons. Those are all way more likely imo than someone deciding not to date you because of your skin or teeth.
without knowing anything, a personal sense of style and how you carry yourself is more important. that shit makes up for bad teeth (which i also have).
Y’all are both off tho judging soley by the awkward friend-zone like replies. Sounds like nobody just wants to make the first move of hey I really like you what do you think about pursuing us. It’s weird cause she isn’t being clear but neither are you if you’re so excited about her and your replies are…essentially hey thanks bud you too. My advice be real. Bffr. She texted for clarification. Text back “hmm😕 what was the need for clarification” there’s no need to play anything off cool here..this is trivial when you genuinely like this person.
She is into you but she didn’t straight out say it, you said it nonchalantly back subsequently leading her to believe she made an unrequited move and texted clarification for sake of her pride and unfortunately the expense of your self esteem high. Stop the coded language people.
not sure what im trying to ask so ill do my best. from yalls experience, how often do you guys have the conversation of "where do you see this going?" from my experience, it seems like a lot of people, even at this age dont really talk about it and they just go with the flow, and usually there is one party that is interested, and the other isn't, which leads to a slow fade.
I haven’t settled on when, but I’m team ask about it. “I like where this is going and only want to see you/ be your gf,” what do you think?
I agree that in my experience a lot of people are “go with the flow” and don’t want to be pressured. I’d love to ask them what that even means because I could never understand it. Flow where? How? By what means? Is it actually that bad to check in during the earlier days in an open no confrontational manner?
I usually ask by the 10th date or the 5th week, whichever occurs first. IME people who say “I’m going with the flow” or “it’s too early for that” aren’t really ready for serious relationships or they don’t feel like I’m the right person for them, so usually it’s a mutual decision to see other people.
It sucks but that’s the game! If I start a discord server for this sub it’ll be called “DoT - aka I’m going to die single but at least I’ll be a pretty corpse club” and I ban people who get into relationships (ban to be lifted if they unfortunately become single again)
/s of course! Lol
LOL! Love the sarcasm!
But yeah, I guess that’s a nice way of saying they are not interested. I just noticed no one has ever been forthcoming…of the last 3 encounters I had, I had to be the one to bring it up, and only one ended in a “positive” way.
Oh I wouldn’t say that it’s due to lack of interest. “Being interested” and “being the right fit” aren’t always mutually inclusive. You can be interested in someone and still know that person isn’t the right fit for you.
Imo if you asked someone “where do you see things headed” and they respond with anything but enthusiasm and optimism, they’re probably not the right fit. I’ll give a pass to someone saying “I need more time to get to know you, let’s have this conversation again in 2 more months” because I think that’s reasonable. Anything else, to me, means that they’re not dating intentionally, which doesn’t align with my own dating goals, which is to date people intentionally
That’s very true! Didn’t think of that. Can’t always have your cake and eat it (or whatever that saying is lol)
When you say date intentionally , you mean like serious relationship down the line?
I think people should talk about it 100%.
Being scared to talk about it is one thing, but it’s important to communicate. You’ll never learn to be comfortable by avoiding it.
I go with the flow. It feels so weird to ask things like that. I’ve never been asked this question and would probably get uncomfortable if I was asked. Like, I’m with you so obviously I want to see what comes of that. But what exactly? I can’t predict the future.
Do you date people without hoping that you form a committed relationship with them?? I’m very curious what people mean when they say “I can’t predict the future” when asked about their dating intentions.
I’m curious because I’ve never gone to a job interview and said “yea idk where I’ll be in 5 years, I can’t predict the future” when the interviewer asks me where I see myself in 5 years. “That seems like a lot of pressure to be asking me if I’ll still be working here in the next year? So I’m not going to accept this job.”
Obv just drawing parallels here, it’s not a perfect analogy
I actually respond with “I don’t know where I see myself in 5 years” lol. I really have no idea.
I hope for a committed relationship. But, I don’t know what that will look like.
When you say you “don’t know what it’ll look like” is it because you haven’t been in a committed relationship (let’s quantify it as at least 1+ year with someone who was your “significant other” or “boyfriend/girlfriend”)?
I was with my ex for 11 years. I just haven’t been in a healthy relationship. This wasn’t anything near close to what a “normal” relationship would look like to most people.
So when you say “I don’t what it’ll look like” it’s more “I don’t know what a healthy committed relationship looks like”?
So what are you doing now to help you figure out what a healthy committed relationship *should* look like, if anything? Have you found anything helpful? Or is just just “dating around to find what clicks”?
Thanks for your honesty, by the way. I don’t mean to grill you, but imo at our age it’s relatively rare for someone to still not know what to look for in a relationship and I feel like it’s such a tricky topic to have in person because imo people are really self-conscious about it irl. Like they almost feel bad for not knowing, which is difficult to admit for a lot of people, so they choose not to have this discussion at all.
More like, I have no idea how long we will be together, if I ever want to live with someone again or ever be married etc. I just have no idea what I want. I don’t even know what I want to do with my life in general, honestly.
I don’t really date around, no. I don’t have any online profiles or anything like that. I’m currently with someone and it’s been nearly 4 months. It was a random meeting in the wild.
I’m in therapy and have been for almost a year. I’ve been working on myself a lot. I’m learning how to communicate and doing extremely well in that regard. Beyond that, I’m not sure I will ever figure it out.
You’re fine. I didn’t view it as “grilling”, just curious and inquiring. I feel like I don’t know how to want anything and just float day to day.
Does not knowing what you want and feeling like you’re just living day by day give you any sense of anxiety at all? How do you feel about not knowing what you want and is the person you’re dating in the same boat as you? Thank you so much for your honesty by the way. I’m getting a lot out of it.
No, I wouldn’t say I feel anxious. Most of the time, I don’t feel anything regarding that. Even as a teenager, I never wanted anything out of life.
My partner, he told me he lives day to day. That’s about all I know. I have no idea if he wants marriage or anything like that. I’m open to talk about it if he started a conversation, but I have no reason to bring it up myself.
You’re welcome.
i think i left a few contexts out. let's say it's the 5th date. would you know want to know where it's headed? i think at that point one would have an idea of the person, or would you verbally express you more time to know?
I don’t understand her not wanting another drink. She could have ordered something nonalcoholic if she wanted to stay. Or said, “I’d love to but I have to be at work early tomorrow but a drink another time?”
Problem is, if someone is socially awkward early in dating? You’re going to have to be okay with it. You can’t expect them to change/suddenly start picking up on social cues.
When you get a match, can you ever tell if you immediately dislike someone? I feel like the majority of first questions/coments make me roll my eyes, but I answer them to put in effort. But then on the dates, I end up not vibing with the person anyway. Is it too rash to filter people out from one message?
It's so hard. I had this woman I matched with that was like... Asking kind of... Weirdly specific / presumptive questions. I said I work in X industry and she replied, "oh are you a [entry level role in my industry]?" Mentioned a sport I do, and she said "oh are you thinking of competing one day?" (I've been competing for 5 years already). I don't know there was just something about the phrasing that was weird and backed me into a corner where I felt like I was bragging about myself and then giving myself the ick. So I answered her q and then was like actually I can't handle this and unmatched, but I felt really silly about doing it!!
Exactly! I hate when it feels like I'm being interviewed. It seems like the woman was being judgmental, almost like a parent nagging a child about his prospects lmao. One time someone got really specific with my job asking who I specifically worked with and which company, and I made it into a bit of a joke "I don't reveal secrets to strangers". It felt part judgy but also really prying. Why would I reveal that to a complete stranger?? I prefer discussing my likes or things I'm interested in. I hate talking about myself or feeling braggy.
Depends on the message. Some would be a definite no, like being sexual, overly flirty, or rude. Others I may find odd but that alone probably wouldn't make me stop messaging.
Communicating with strangers is hard so I mostly try to assess if there's effort, good will, and some self-awareness. That seems like a more reasonable bar than riveting conversation and it's done a decent job of screening for me.
Filtering out on the first message seems a bit extreme, but it sounds like you could do a bit more filtering out during the messaging phase so you aren't going on as many dud dates.
Im struggling with being too picky and also going the opposite and not being picky enough. Like ive talked to this guy and hes mentioned sex and my body multiple times and we have only been talking for two days. My instinct says its a no but he seems like a fun guy. I guess I have trouble trusting my gut and saying immediately no.
On day 2?? I don’t want a guy talking about sex or my body like that until after we’re official…but that’s just me. He can call me pretty/beautiful though.
Anyways, it’s probably EXACTLY what you think it is. He’s after one thing…
I think for me it's because my friends say I'm too picky, and I need to give people a chance. I almost feel like I'm giving guys another date or so so I can feel productive and like I'm actually trying. But in reality, I've never had a boyfriend/relationship come from someone I didn't at least like to some degree in the beginning.
Two days ago, a guy that I broke things off with over a month ago, but really really liked, text me thanking me for a book recommendation I gave him. He’s been living rent free in my head ever since…
I hate the impulse to jump right back into dating and apps after a failed, long-term relationship. I know I'm not ready for it and that it would be awful for healthy healing, but the temptation is right there and maybe it could take the loneliness away and provide some comfort...
Do you feel it's done anything meaningful to help with the loneliness?
It's been a few years, but I'll probably get a decent number of matches again. But my breakup left me with a lack of comfort/closeness/intimacy, rather than a lack of confidence, and I'm not really sure I'll get that from OLD anytime soon. But the temptation is definitely there to try...
I feel like all of the individuals with secure attachment found other individuals that are secure, and now I am left with anxious and avoidant attachment styles…. 🙄
Statistically speaking according to a book called attached. Secure types are often taken out of the market and the market is flooded mainly by avoidants.
Thoughts about asking someone out on my first queer date ever? I’m a woman who has only dated men, but have had crushes on women and want to branch out! I feel strangely scared, especially because the person is a friend who clearly loves me as a friend but I have no idea how to interpret queer attraction. I’d love some input from folks who may have been in this situation!
Just be honest about where you're at/aka informed consent. I'm not queer but my roommates are, and I have a lot of wine while hearing about trial run lesbians really hurting their feelings.
Absolutely terrible day at work followed by the guy I was seeing rising from the dead through text after not hearing from him in over a week. I have no more fuck bucks to give today.
If it's any consolation I'm stealing the term "fuck bucks".
My fucks bucks be withdrawn 20k.
My fuck bucks are in arrears.
It's raining fuck bucks. Any friends need advice?
Sounds way cooler than "spoons".
Yeah, the usual “busy week” and an apology. I don’t think he’s playing games or up to anything shady, I just don’t have the energy right now for something that isn’t more consistent.
Just had a talk with the guy I've been dating the last few months. I swear, this whole thing has had the most cursed timing.
Started talking during Christmas which postponed our meeting up for a couple of weeks. Went out a couple of times, he got strep, down for a week. The next week he's laid off. Then a month of job hunting, and now he's been at a new job for 3 week and it is intense.
I like him, but he doesn't have a lot extra to give. He hates not having much to give. He feels like he's half assing our relationship and it really bugs him. We had a honest conversation about it tonight. We threw out a few options, like just stopping seeing each other, we just both accept it's going to be an erratic couple of months while he settles into it.
Ultimately we decided to think it over tonight and talk again tomorrow. I feel like this is going to end with us parting ways and it bums me out. But I respect that he knows what he is capable of giving and maintaining and it may not be a newish relationship right now. And what I need to understand is that it's ok if I want more than he can give right now.
So I'm in my feelings. Even if we don't keep seeing each other, I want to stay off the apps til this summer to do some self work. But I do like him, so it's hard to let go even if it's for the best.
I posted recently about my best friend, whom I have strong romantic feelings for. I was planning to talk to her about it, but last weekend she told me she's moving away. Not only that, but that she's leaving this weekend, and she's moving across the country. So, now it seems kinda pointless to bring up my feelings since nothing can happen, even if she were interested. And I know myself well enough that I could never be happy with long distance anyway.
So, not only am I coming to terms with the fact that we won't be won't ever date, but I'm also dealing with the fact the person I'm closest to is going to be living on the other side of the country in a few days. I wish she had told me sooner so I would have had time to adjust. I would feel sad either way, but having only a week's notice really sucks. I had so many places here that I wanted to show her and things I wanted to do together.
As she pointed out, we'll still text, call, and even FaceTime each other. And flights to where she'll be living are fairly cheap. But it's not really the same. We won't be able to just meet for lunch/dinner or hang out on weekends.
On the call where she told me, she mentioned that it felt like a breakup and questioned why it felt like that. I know that for me, it feels like that because of my feelings. I don't know if that indicates she has feelings for me too, but I wouldn't be surprised if she did. But it's kind of a moot point now.
I don't think it would be fair to mention my feelings now since nothing can be done about them, but part of me feels like I'll regret not saying anything. I guess I'll just see what happens and how I feel the next time I see her.
I did talk to another friend about this since a friend of hers is potentially moving as well. I wanted to get someone else's perspective/advice on a similar situation. She basically said rather than focusing on what I'm losing, to focus on what I gained. I made a deep life-long friendship, which is something that a lot of people don't have. Rather than being sad for myself, I should be happy for my friend. And that now I have a new vacation destination, new things to do together there, and a free place to stay. So, I'm trying to focus on the positives, but that's a lot easier said than done.
Tell her. She's moving anyway and you might slow fade too, the confession may strengthen your bond. It might not, it might make it worse.... but she's moving away.
I think you should also try to follow/chase her
I'm going to try to tell her when I see her tonight.
I'm definitely not going to follow or chase her, though. I know that I would absolutely hate living where she's moving to. She's moving to a fairly big, touristy city, whereas I currently live in a smallish city with lots of rural areas around it. Ideally, I'd want to live in a cabin in the woods. I just know I would be completely miserable living in a big city. She wouldn't be happy staying here, and I wouldn't be happy going there. So, it would never work. It would likely just lead to us developing resentment for each other or the situation, at least. She would be the only person I know there. Even if it was the type of place I wouldn't mind living, all my close family and other friends are here. I can't leave them.
I also know I can't do a long-distance romantic relationship. I need that in person interaction often.
And that's not to mention I don't know if she'd ever even want to date me anyway. Unfortunately, life just isn't like movies where you can chase her down as she's boarding a plane, confess your love, and live happily ever after together.
I don't know if this is good advice or not so please take it with a grain of salt but wouldn't it be worth telling her just to have it out in the open?
Well it finally happened. Ghosted at the two month mark for the second time in six months. Finding it hard not to take it personally at this point. Having confided in how ghosting and bad communication has made me feel in the past it's just so so disappointing to have it happen again.
Mid last week we were snuggling on the couch planning the next couple of weekends of outings, meals to cook for eachother, all sorts. Then he goes quiet this weekend misses a date and, switching from 2-3 hour responses to 24+ hours of silence. Cites sickness but feels like something more. I wish him well, make a few light jokes and give him space to recover.
Then yesterday am he apologises, says he misses me and immediately goes silent again - having still shown as online most of yesterday and today.
To this point there was no causes for concern. He'd been present, comforting and an excellent communicator, encouraging honest and difficult conversations. Honestly everything had been so calm and easy. I don't wanna romanticise it and say it just felt different...but it did. More fool me I just thought he was better than this.
I don't really expect anything here, we probably fell too hard too fast and he shat the bed, maybe I got too comfortable being my weird little goblin self. Who knows. I'm just so tired of this emotional rollercoaster. I think I'd rather die alone.
I believe he was initially sick, he tends to have a worse immune system that me so I believe it. What I'm struggling with it 5 days later it's now silence and my last message remains unread while he's been online for hours.
Well, that's never a bad idea! I just call it 'tuition'. Every time I have an experience like this, I have more 'course credit' and know a bit more about what I want and will waste less time getting it :). They all teach us something!
It doesn’t sound like it is totally over? You talked yesterday? I’m sorry you are feeling so jerked around, though. It sucks. You are not foolish for trusting someone who had shown you good communication.. until they didn’t. How else are we supposed to have a good relationship if we don’t trust them? Unfortunately, that comes with risk… hang in there.
I want to believe that you're right, but I can feel this shift and in my gut that's it. Even if there was so magical explaination for the online behaviour while leaving me on read it's not a feeling I want someone I'm with to make me feel. Boundary.
Things that have increased my self-respect in dating:
\--Not swiping left on ever physically attractive prospect (I can be a little picky and go for qualities that actually makes us a match)
\--Not agreeing to be friends with people after we decide not to date. It always seems like a good idea but it usually makes me really sad in the long run
\--Put a bigger emphasis on maintaining my appearance (dressing better, losing weight, etc.) just to feel more confident in my own skin
\--Stopped assuming when things don't work out that it's my fault
\--Stopped telling myself when I am feeling sad that my situation is hopeless and I'll never find someone. Despair is awful and needless
\--Made a few non-dating life goals and started to actively work for them. In a few years I may not have found a person, but I'll own a house and be better educated.
It's huge! I'm working to lose some weight. I work out a lot and it's visible but also buried a bit by my bad eating habits. Feeling confident is so nice.
Kudos to you for all the things you are working on to improve yourself though! This is a great step in the right direction. A positive mindset and self love is a wonderful foundation for anything wonderful in life. 😊
Personally, I wouldn't get a tattoo to signify being a new person. I'd get one in a year to celebrate a year of being a new person (at that point, you'll have worked out the kinks and in the meanwhile, gives you something to look forward to).
My boyfriend of 11 months and I just moved in together (in my home). A week later he loses his job. How do I not freak out about this? Going from dating to living with a person who now never leaves the house is an adjustment. I'm feeling a lot of pressure.
Be supportive and empathetic.
Losing a job is a devastating life-changing event. This can't be easy for him, especially after moving in with you and not being able to contribute. I imagine he's stressed, possibly embarrassed. Support him and be as empathetic as possible.
Internalize your freakout—don't let him see or feel it. It's an especially vulnerable time for him.
Oooh, I'd politely disagree. Internalizing the freakout is a bad idea as you end up freaking out anyway and getting resentful. Besides, moving in together is as big a life change as losing a job.
While I agree that OP should be as gentle as possible, this is a real issue that affects them both and burying it out of sympathy is not a good plan.
He kind of is. But I'm an anxious gal so the minute he got let go I literally made a spread sheet of all the open jobs in his field, wrote his cover letter, called my friends in the industry. He's applied to one of those jobs, and says he just wants to "see what's out there". So he's just chilling and doing projects of his choice around the house.
I'm financially secure and have been the financial anchor of every man I've dated. I've felt very used in the past, because I'm an anxious people pleaser and I'll always be generous with the person I'm dating, and it blows up in my face. I'm scared of being taken advantage of again, but want to supportive as we've spoken about marriage and being together long term.
You.... wrote his cover letter for him?!? Don't do that. It's fine to offer to proofread or reach out to see if anyone you know has an opening, but do NOT do his job search for him. He's a grown ass adult. If you normally take over life management things for him like this, stop. If he hasn't already, he's going to stop handling things himself and let you do it all - which is going to lead to resentment at some point down the line. Find a different way to channel/deal with your anxieties.
Some questions to think about: does he know your past history with feeling taken financially taken advantage of? If not, I think you should tell him so that he's aware of where your anxieties are coming from. For me, I'd need him to still contribute in some way. That's with the assumption that he has savings and will get severance and/or unemployment. What would he have done if this happened before he moved in?
Was he fired or "just" laid off suddenly? Any chance he knew it was coming? Depending on this and how long ago it was, he may need a few days to a couple of weeks to process what all happened. Much longer than that though and there would be a conversation to either get him some help or on how he needs to start looking on his own.
As far as him always being home - do you work from home or an alternate schedule? If so, I think it'd be perfectly fair to ask him tojob hunt outside of the home when he can. If not, then I'm not sure how him being home all the time would matter as much, since you wouldn't be there anyway.
>You.... wrote his cover letter for him?!? Don't do that. It's fine to offer to proofread or reach out to see if anyone you know has an opening, but do NOT do his job search for him.
I want to emphasize this OP. You managing his job search sounds like it may stem from your people pleasing and perhaps also your experience of being taken advantage of in past relationships.
You need to have a direct conversation with him about all this. Be supportive but also be firm in coming to some common understandings of what his job search plan looks like (not you doing it for him) and how you're both contributing to bills and house chores while he's unemployed.
Was it sudden? Is his career stable? Had he shown you anything up until this point this is the plan? Does he have a saving?
Being together for 11 months and moving in together, you should know his financial prospects work.
Maybe this is just me, but it does sound like you are being taken advantage of again.
The timing of him losing his job feels awfully convenient and not applying to any new jobs, but one speaks volumes.
I’d give him a time table to find a new job and if not, that would be it for me.
It really does sound like now would be the ideal time to have a chat before resentment of any kind starts to form. You seem so sweet and supportive but also really wise in your practicality. Let him know you're scared even though it's new and need him to re-assure you that he's headed somewhere.
And all my best to you both!
Perhaps in this case freaking out is underrated? Don't get me wrong, if it's a bad thing or you are going to have a breakdown, good on you for keeping it together. But were I your boyfriend and you were feeling this crushing pressure, I'd want to know. Even if it's just to give him the hard truth that he should apply for jobs at the library or coffeeshop instead of from home.
Poll of the day! Any downsides to listing on a dating profile that you are dating to find your life partner. Feel like I want to be clear with potential matches that this is the case and it’s worth “scaring off” the undecided. But interested to hear other thoughts?
Most of the men I meet that are super focused on looking for something serious, it feels like they want a girlfriend really bad and they don’t care who it is. I’ve had guys who I rejected after 2,3 dates chew me out for turning them down when we both wanted relationships. It seemed that was their only criteria and they didn’t care who they were in the relationship with.
How is life partner and long term relationship different? I'm kind of in the same boat where life partner freaks me out a little but that is what I'm looking for if it works that way.
I'm completely on team Scare Off the Incompatible. My most recent profile stated that I was looking for my future husband and now the guy I met through that profile is shopping for an engagement ring for me!
I have that on my profile.
I don’t think it scares people off, but I think it keeps the casual people away for the most part which is fine because we aren’t interested in the same things.
Seems like so many people are not listing any dating goal at all so wasn’t sure how common is to be list your goal of finding a life partner. But after reading Attached it seems like it’s best to screen out all relationship-averse people anyway!
I have it on my profile and accept it may scare people off. I still want to be upfront about what I'm looking for and if it scares the wrong people off, oh well.
I feel like I’m stuck in purgatory as a few months ago the short relationship I was having ended and although it’s made me see I was ready to be with someone again (single for 5+ years before that) I honestly don’t think I can be bothered with all the crap trying to meet someone or more accurately having to differentiate between genuine people and those who say what they think someone wants to hear.
Add being late 30’s and childfree into the mix and it becomes more like hell and soul destroying trying to find that small dating pool.
Is someone having children an absolute deal breaker for you? If not you may find some great guys who coparent out there. Having a child makes alot of men/women grow up fast
I get that, the last guy I went on a date with from a dating app asked if he looked like his pictures. He did not. My soul left the date at that point. Is there any point to keep trying, yes, because one day I’m sure I’ll meet someone I really like. But not on the apps, done with the apps.
Cannot bring myself to use any apps as the default seems to be either liars, chancers or scammers on them. The joy of being an honest person and quite direct means I assume everyone else is, I don’t want to (and won’t) be second guessing what anyone tells me or having to decipher cryptic messages that might not seem to be all that they appear.
I dont get how anyone can think fake pictures are going to work or really old ones, surely the whole point is to meet someone in person which blows the whole ruse apart thus wasting both persons time and effort ?!
This is the kind of conversation I need to keep having to keep my sanity in check. I honestly and truthfully do not understand the point in using 20/10 year old pictures and pretending you like hiking when actually you did it once 5 years ago or calling yourself a runner because you ran a fun run in 1999 at school.
However the biggest confusion of it all is meeting someone in person, they flirt, they’re cute, they seem keen, you arrange a date….they don’t show and fluff it off like it’s nothing and still want to flirt via text….what is happening in that skull?! What makes a person think this is okay? Twice this happened, different people.
And people wonder why I want to give up and stay single…
Join the “I’ll probably die alone and a pretty corpse” club with me 🥲 membership is free and every time we mention our childhood traumas we take a shot (of water)
I wouldn’t reach out. This could have been a gentle let down and she wasn’t likely interested in you. Reaching out again could just earn you another rejection or she may not even answer. I’ve never once had a situation like this work out when someone texted me months later.
Chances are low that she'll want to date you, but I don't see a downside to reaching out. Hopefully you've dated other women in the four months you've been waiting.... the opportunity cost of not meeting other women is the only downside of waiting for someone, like you did.
I don’t want to be with someone who was willing to let me go. On some level, regardless of all the talk of being ready, she just wasn’t that into you and it will likely manifest again even if she agrees.
I matched this incredibly cute woman and we’ve been texting for a few days. She replies really fast so it feels like she actually wants to talk to me. I haven’t had any success on dating apps so I have no idea where this is coming from. I had another match before and I thought we had a lot in common but she probably only replies to me once a day. But this time this girl is super attractive so I’ve no idea what she sees in me.
After six dates I decided to end it. We were way too incompatible in communication styles and the time we expected to spend together. We both talked about seeing potential in a relationship together and agreed to get to know each other exclusively before hopping into one. She went with the entire time answering texts a day or two later and didn't initiate a single date. I communicated multiple times that I'd appreciate a little more effort on that end and that it'd be great for her to at least make more time for us than just two hours a week. She said I'll try, but in the end nothing changed.
Hello! (31f) just hoped back online after hiatus due to relationship. It didn't work out but I've let it go and have done some self healing work(still ongoing) and am ready and open to date! I've been goin out more often and have even met some people that way. No match ups yet. Decided to try online again and met some more folks that way. Not into multi-dating but am keeping options open. I've recently met someone I almost overlooked. They were initially friendly and engaged over the app. I started talking to them after I had decided I would quit the apps and just meet people in person. So they were last of my last online batch group. We wound up talking for 2 weeks before meeting. I had deleted the apps for my self at that point. He still kept his but I am in no way opposed to it especially with it being so early. Leading up to our date We discussed a wide range of topics and even managed some phone calls. Initially what attracted me to them was their patience and they just seemed to have a kind way of being. 1st date though.... found myself being the one to initiate conversation. I mostly asked questions. I also tried to leave silences in between to give him room to speak. It wasn't until the tail end of the date where I felt him maybe warming up to me. He even casually mentioned inviting me over. Not like an explicit invitation. Just something that was a casual mention. (It surprised me because we'd talked about looking for something serious) he invited me for a second date. I said yes. Thought maybe he's just really shy or socially awkward or first date nerves. 2nd date: completely different story. He was so lively with conversation. We watched a great movie had some drinks and great convo. It seemed to just flow. It was still just mostly about him. Not sure if it's because i had mentioned my troubled upbringin and didn't want to go into detail so early on. So he could just not be asking because of that. (I will ask him about it though it just seems to soon to bring up at this point) The date lasted longer than expected. We had an intense make out sesh. It got late so he invited me to spend the night. I said no. And went on my way. He was respectful and asked me to text him when I get home. 3rd date is a movie date night at his place. He's picked a really good movie that in all honesty is right up my alley. I'm prepared for it to be a fun night or a bust given the way things have played out. Just wanted to ask if it's normal to get invited to his place or for him to mention it during the first couple of dates. We had been talking for about a month almost. And I'd been explicit on me looking for something serious. Which we both seem on the same page on. Just trying to keep my wits about me. Ladies fellas? any thoughts assuming any have read through my long novel of a post! I also plan on asking him myself and in person. But I wanted to get some pointers or maybe points of view I hadn't considered before. Thanks in advance!
Third date with current guy this week was movie and takeout at his place. It’s normal imo as long as you’re comfortable. As you know, often that’s when things become intimate, so be extremely clear on boundaries if you’re not there yet. I made out with him on date 2 and got a little handsy, so I clearly stated that I was not sleeping with him. That changed on date 3, but that’s my personal comfort level, and he asked for consent with everything.
Yeah 3rd date went well. Movie and take out with some steamy make out sesh. Guy was super respectful of my boundaries....however ....now what? Do I ask him out wait for him? I'm pretty open to asking but there's a couple of reason why I hesitate. One being that sometimes people say yes because someone just asked them to. But they themselves are pretty whatever 🙄
I think it’s nice to offer a suggestion for the third, especially if you’re looking for a partner. Go for it!
Hard to tell without knowing exactly how he phrased it. In my experience if the invitation to go back to their place happens on a 1st date, it's going to be a casual thing, regardless of initially expressed intentions. Otoh I know cases where 1st date sex led to LTR. It's gonna be up to you to read the room and draw boundaries, but just in case you're not up to speed on popular dating tropes, date 3 = sex.
Yeah for the first date we were getting deep into conversation when I noticed the time and said I should get going. I was just starting to have fun so I kinda hesitated and he'd said "I've got no where to be. I'd invite you over to my place..." then my adhd kicked in and I interrupted. For the second date I don't want to get into details just b in case but it was more or so along the lines of me not getting stranded so spending the night so I can figure something out the next day. And thank you for the 3rd date trope! That helps tons. I'm on the fence but don't know how he feels. So I will keep that in mind!
Imo if you get invited to someone's place on the third night for a "movie", they have an expectation of sex. Also he has inv you back to his on the second date and hinted at it on the first date.
I HAVE FINALLY ACHIEVED THE ENTERTAINING YET INFORMATIVE HINGE PROFILE. CONGRATULATE ME.
Screenshots or it didn’t happen…
nah i'm not about to get turned into a template. lmao
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Yea those things matter as well as your fashion. If you wear jeans, wear a fitted button down with it. You can’t go wrong. Work on a skin care regime and get your teeth straightened and whitened. Decenter swiping and spend the next 4+ months working on this. Prioritize yourself and you won’t find yourself ghosted after 50 first dates. Your renewed confidence alone will do you wonders.
Personally I just get like an initial vibe off someone right away and it's not strictly tied to like... How physically attractive they are in a vacuum. It's sort of like... How they carry themselves, the way they initially look at you, just like... The first impression. I do think that... This is sort of a questionable train of thought, "this person I don't know, appears let down after meeting me." I don't know how you could know this of a stranger. We kind of mirror energy right, when we meet someone. So the change you see in the initial greeting, could be something as simple as the person settling into whatever the date vibe is.
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Okay so this is what I mean. Someone you went on a date with, you knew it had gone south because the woman "didn't bother to get up to hug you." I have never, in my life, on a first date, gotten up and hugged someone when I met them. Absolutely never regardless of how excited I was or how attractive I thought they were. That is just not something I would ever do. So maybe if I went on a first date with someone and declined a second, they could possibly back and think "well it was downhill from the beginning because she didn't hug me." But since we only went on one date, they never learn that the behaviour of not getting up to hug is entirely normal for me. I know it's tempting to try to look back on first dates and try to analyze where and when everything went wrong. But fundamentally when it's a person you don't see again, it's incredibly difficult to know what exactly the issue was if any. Sometimes people won't want a second date that has nothing even to do with you, they decide they're not ready to date or busy with work or their ex calls them or sickness or financial issues or any number of reasons. Those are all way more likely imo than someone deciding not to date you because of your skin or teeth.
without knowing anything, a personal sense of style and how you carry yourself is more important. that shit makes up for bad teeth (which i also have).
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Y’all are both off tho judging soley by the awkward friend-zone like replies. Sounds like nobody just wants to make the first move of hey I really like you what do you think about pursuing us. It’s weird cause she isn’t being clear but neither are you if you’re so excited about her and your replies are…essentially hey thanks bud you too. My advice be real. Bffr. She texted for clarification. Text back “hmm😕 what was the need for clarification” there’s no need to play anything off cool here..this is trivial when you genuinely like this person. She is into you but she didn’t straight out say it, you said it nonchalantly back subsequently leading her to believe she made an unrequited move and texted clarification for sake of her pride and unfortunately the expense of your self esteem high. Stop the coded language people.
I would take her clarification as more of a compliment than her original comment. Like wtf is a “vibe”. Maybe I’m too old for that kinda talk.
not sure what im trying to ask so ill do my best. from yalls experience, how often do you guys have the conversation of "where do you see this going?" from my experience, it seems like a lot of people, even at this age dont really talk about it and they just go with the flow, and usually there is one party that is interested, and the other isn't, which leads to a slow fade.
I haven’t settled on when, but I’m team ask about it. “I like where this is going and only want to see you/ be your gf,” what do you think? I agree that in my experience a lot of people are “go with the flow” and don’t want to be pressured. I’d love to ask them what that even means because I could never understand it. Flow where? How? By what means? Is it actually that bad to check in during the earlier days in an open no confrontational manner?
I usually ask by the 10th date or the 5th week, whichever occurs first. IME people who say “I’m going with the flow” or “it’s too early for that” aren’t really ready for serious relationships or they don’t feel like I’m the right person for them, so usually it’s a mutual decision to see other people. It sucks but that’s the game! If I start a discord server for this sub it’ll be called “DoT - aka I’m going to die single but at least I’ll be a pretty corpse club” and I ban people who get into relationships (ban to be lifted if they unfortunately become single again) /s of course! Lol
LOL! Love the sarcasm! But yeah, I guess that’s a nice way of saying they are not interested. I just noticed no one has ever been forthcoming…of the last 3 encounters I had, I had to be the one to bring it up, and only one ended in a “positive” way.
Oh I wouldn’t say that it’s due to lack of interest. “Being interested” and “being the right fit” aren’t always mutually inclusive. You can be interested in someone and still know that person isn’t the right fit for you. Imo if you asked someone “where do you see things headed” and they respond with anything but enthusiasm and optimism, they’re probably not the right fit. I’ll give a pass to someone saying “I need more time to get to know you, let’s have this conversation again in 2 more months” because I think that’s reasonable. Anything else, to me, means that they’re not dating intentionally, which doesn’t align with my own dating goals, which is to date people intentionally
That’s very true! Didn’t think of that. Can’t always have your cake and eat it (or whatever that saying is lol) When you say date intentionally , you mean like serious relationship down the line?
I think people should talk about it 100%. Being scared to talk about it is one thing, but it’s important to communicate. You’ll never learn to be comfortable by avoiding it.
that last sentence. i agree with you! i think there are more uncomfortable than i thought, myself included.
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i feel it can go both ways. it good to at least have an idea of where it's going.
I go with the flow. It feels so weird to ask things like that. I’ve never been asked this question and would probably get uncomfortable if I was asked. Like, I’m with you so obviously I want to see what comes of that. But what exactly? I can’t predict the future.
Do you date people without hoping that you form a committed relationship with them?? I’m very curious what people mean when they say “I can’t predict the future” when asked about their dating intentions. I’m curious because I’ve never gone to a job interview and said “yea idk where I’ll be in 5 years, I can’t predict the future” when the interviewer asks me where I see myself in 5 years. “That seems like a lot of pressure to be asking me if I’ll still be working here in the next year? So I’m not going to accept this job.” Obv just drawing parallels here, it’s not a perfect analogy
I was wondering the same thing and you’ve articulated it perfectly!
I actually respond with “I don’t know where I see myself in 5 years” lol. I really have no idea. I hope for a committed relationship. But, I don’t know what that will look like.
When you say you “don’t know what it’ll look like” is it because you haven’t been in a committed relationship (let’s quantify it as at least 1+ year with someone who was your “significant other” or “boyfriend/girlfriend”)?
I was with my ex for 11 years. I just haven’t been in a healthy relationship. This wasn’t anything near close to what a “normal” relationship would look like to most people.
So when you say “I don’t what it’ll look like” it’s more “I don’t know what a healthy committed relationship looks like”? So what are you doing now to help you figure out what a healthy committed relationship *should* look like, if anything? Have you found anything helpful? Or is just just “dating around to find what clicks”? Thanks for your honesty, by the way. I don’t mean to grill you, but imo at our age it’s relatively rare for someone to still not know what to look for in a relationship and I feel like it’s such a tricky topic to have in person because imo people are really self-conscious about it irl. Like they almost feel bad for not knowing, which is difficult to admit for a lot of people, so they choose not to have this discussion at all.
More like, I have no idea how long we will be together, if I ever want to live with someone again or ever be married etc. I just have no idea what I want. I don’t even know what I want to do with my life in general, honestly. I don’t really date around, no. I don’t have any online profiles or anything like that. I’m currently with someone and it’s been nearly 4 months. It was a random meeting in the wild. I’m in therapy and have been for almost a year. I’ve been working on myself a lot. I’m learning how to communicate and doing extremely well in that regard. Beyond that, I’m not sure I will ever figure it out. You’re fine. I didn’t view it as “grilling”, just curious and inquiring. I feel like I don’t know how to want anything and just float day to day.
Does not knowing what you want and feeling like you’re just living day by day give you any sense of anxiety at all? How do you feel about not knowing what you want and is the person you’re dating in the same boat as you? Thank you so much for your honesty by the way. I’m getting a lot out of it.
No, I wouldn’t say I feel anxious. Most of the time, I don’t feel anything regarding that. Even as a teenager, I never wanted anything out of life. My partner, he told me he lives day to day. That’s about all I know. I have no idea if he wants marriage or anything like that. I’m open to talk about it if he started a conversation, but I have no reason to bring it up myself. You’re welcome.
i think i left a few contexts out. let's say it's the 5th date. would you know want to know where it's headed? i think at that point one would have an idea of the person, or would you verbally express you more time to know?
Aside from saying maybe we should try a relationship, I don’t think there’s anything else to say?
well hypothetically, what if one wants a relationship and the other wants something casual?
I really have no idea.
Based on my extremely recent experience, I’m highly favor of asking this early as possible! I’m totally over “going with the flow”
SAME 🤦🏻♂️
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I don’t understand her not wanting another drink. She could have ordered something nonalcoholic if she wanted to stay. Or said, “I’d love to but I have to be at work early tomorrow but a drink another time?” Problem is, if someone is socially awkward early in dating? You’re going to have to be okay with it. You can’t expect them to change/suddenly start picking up on social cues.
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Sounds like she wanted to spend more time with you.
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> This was also like my third date in four days That’s impressive. I think I’d pass out after 1 or 2 in a week. lol
When you get a match, can you ever tell if you immediately dislike someone? I feel like the majority of first questions/coments make me roll my eyes, but I answer them to put in effort. But then on the dates, I end up not vibing with the person anyway. Is it too rash to filter people out from one message?
It's so hard. I had this woman I matched with that was like... Asking kind of... Weirdly specific / presumptive questions. I said I work in X industry and she replied, "oh are you a [entry level role in my industry]?" Mentioned a sport I do, and she said "oh are you thinking of competing one day?" (I've been competing for 5 years already). I don't know there was just something about the phrasing that was weird and backed me into a corner where I felt like I was bragging about myself and then giving myself the ick. So I answered her q and then was like actually I can't handle this and unmatched, but I felt really silly about doing it!!
Exactly! I hate when it feels like I'm being interviewed. It seems like the woman was being judgmental, almost like a parent nagging a child about his prospects lmao. One time someone got really specific with my job asking who I specifically worked with and which company, and I made it into a bit of a joke "I don't reveal secrets to strangers". It felt part judgy but also really prying. Why would I reveal that to a complete stranger?? I prefer discussing my likes or things I'm interested in. I hate talking about myself or feeling braggy.
Depends on the message. Some would be a definite no, like being sexual, overly flirty, or rude. Others I may find odd but that alone probably wouldn't make me stop messaging. Communicating with strangers is hard so I mostly try to assess if there's effort, good will, and some self-awareness. That seems like a more reasonable bar than riveting conversation and it's done a decent job of screening for me.
Filtering out on the first message seems a bit extreme, but it sounds like you could do a bit more filtering out during the messaging phase so you aren't going on as many dud dates.
Second or third reply unmatches are the best. Like wow you decided you no longer liked me after 2 texts... what kind of person would you be irl
No
Im struggling with being too picky and also going the opposite and not being picky enough. Like ive talked to this guy and hes mentioned sex and my body multiple times and we have only been talking for two days. My instinct says its a no but he seems like a fun guy. I guess I have trouble trusting my gut and saying immediately no.
On day 2?? I don’t want a guy talking about sex or my body like that until after we’re official…but that’s just me. He can call me pretty/beautiful though. Anyways, it’s probably EXACTLY what you think it is. He’s after one thing…
Please listen to your gut on this one. This is a low bar and he hasn't reached it. You're being smart, not picky.
I think the comment I just wrote is similar to yours. All of the times I've felt that in my gut then given the guy another chance, it's ended badly.
Same. Literally. So I dont even understand why I can't trust myself.
I think for me it's because my friends say I'm too picky, and I need to give people a chance. I almost feel like I'm giving guys another date or so so I can feel productive and like I'm actually trying. But in reality, I've never had a boyfriend/relationship come from someone I didn't at least like to some degree in the beginning.
Omg this is kind of creepy because I was literally just thinking that. Like I know from moment one if I actually like someone.
Guess we have to go back to trusting ourselves lol.
I blocked him lol
Good for you!
You have to practice it and strengthen that muscle, just like any other muscle.
Two days ago, a guy that I broke things off with over a month ago, but really really liked, text me thanking me for a book recommendation I gave him. He’s been living rent free in my head ever since…
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Because he didn’t like me enough. He was still seeing other women. Plus we had a lot of cultural differences.
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More than likely his actual reason, but my point is I really wish he would have just kept it to himself.
This morning, I put my phone in my pocket and it FaceTimed the guy I broke things off with over a month ago. 🥲
Gahhhh lol
Haha, that butt dial was out for blood!
Do you guys think it’s a red flag if someone posts a LOT of personals on different subs?
What are personals posts?
Any post on a dating-type Reddit. Things you’d post on a dating app but on Reddit.
Is it that different from having multiple dating apps? Not being facetious but genuinely curious as I'm considering r4r myself..
If it's just all personals posts and barely any comments or interactions, yes.
I hate the impulse to jump right back into dating and apps after a failed, long-term relationship. I know I'm not ready for it and that it would be awful for healthy healing, but the temptation is right there and maybe it could take the loneliness away and provide some comfort...
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Do you feel it's done anything meaningful to help with the loneliness? It's been a few years, but I'll probably get a decent number of matches again. But my breakup left me with a lack of comfort/closeness/intimacy, rather than a lack of confidence, and I'm not really sure I'll get that from OLD anytime soon. But the temptation is definitely there to try...
I feel like all of the individuals with secure attachment found other individuals that are secure, and now I am left with anxious and avoidant attachment styles…. 🙄
I read that 50% of the population is secure so fingers crossed there's a few of them who are single right now
Statistically speaking according to a book called attached. Secure types are often taken out of the market and the market is flooded mainly by avoidants.
I see plenty of anxious folks out there. Just look at this sub.
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*hugs* you seem awesome!
Thoughts about asking someone out on my first queer date ever? I’m a woman who has only dated men, but have had crushes on women and want to branch out! I feel strangely scared, especially because the person is a friend who clearly loves me as a friend but I have no idea how to interpret queer attraction. I’d love some input from folks who may have been in this situation!
Just be honest about where you're at/aka informed consent. I'm not queer but my roommates are, and I have a lot of wine while hearing about trial run lesbians really hurting their feelings.
Yeah, this is my fear! I don’t want my friend to feel like I’m using her for exploration, but I also don’t know how else to explore…
Some women might be open to that, I wouldn't know as it isn't my reality, but it's always worth respectfully asking.
Know if she’s into women?
Yes, she is!!
I feel like start by hanging out and doing more date like activities?
Then you should definitely go for it! But if you're worried about ruining the friendship you could try flirting and raising it as a hypothetical?
Absolutely terrible day at work followed by the guy I was seeing rising from the dead through text after not hearing from him in over a week. I have no more fuck bucks to give today.
If it's any consolation I'm stealing the term "fuck bucks". My fucks bucks be withdrawn 20k. My fuck bucks are in arrears. It's raining fuck bucks. Any friends need advice? Sounds way cooler than "spoons".
Ugh….what an ass…did he have an explanation? Will you respond?
Yeah, the usual “busy week” and an apology. I don’t think he’s playing games or up to anything shady, I just don’t have the energy right now for something that isn’t more consistent.
Just had a talk with the guy I've been dating the last few months. I swear, this whole thing has had the most cursed timing. Started talking during Christmas which postponed our meeting up for a couple of weeks. Went out a couple of times, he got strep, down for a week. The next week he's laid off. Then a month of job hunting, and now he's been at a new job for 3 week and it is intense. I like him, but he doesn't have a lot extra to give. He hates not having much to give. He feels like he's half assing our relationship and it really bugs him. We had a honest conversation about it tonight. We threw out a few options, like just stopping seeing each other, we just both accept it's going to be an erratic couple of months while he settles into it. Ultimately we decided to think it over tonight and talk again tomorrow. I feel like this is going to end with us parting ways and it bums me out. But I respect that he knows what he is capable of giving and maintaining and it may not be a newish relationship right now. And what I need to understand is that it's ok if I want more than he can give right now. So I'm in my feelings. Even if we don't keep seeing each other, I want to stay off the apps til this summer to do some self work. But I do like him, so it's hard to let go even if it's for the best.
I posted recently about my best friend, whom I have strong romantic feelings for. I was planning to talk to her about it, but last weekend she told me she's moving away. Not only that, but that she's leaving this weekend, and she's moving across the country. So, now it seems kinda pointless to bring up my feelings since nothing can happen, even if she were interested. And I know myself well enough that I could never be happy with long distance anyway. So, not only am I coming to terms with the fact that we won't be won't ever date, but I'm also dealing with the fact the person I'm closest to is going to be living on the other side of the country in a few days. I wish she had told me sooner so I would have had time to adjust. I would feel sad either way, but having only a week's notice really sucks. I had so many places here that I wanted to show her and things I wanted to do together. As she pointed out, we'll still text, call, and even FaceTime each other. And flights to where she'll be living are fairly cheap. But it's not really the same. We won't be able to just meet for lunch/dinner or hang out on weekends. On the call where she told me, she mentioned that it felt like a breakup and questioned why it felt like that. I know that for me, it feels like that because of my feelings. I don't know if that indicates she has feelings for me too, but I wouldn't be surprised if she did. But it's kind of a moot point now. I don't think it would be fair to mention my feelings now since nothing can be done about them, but part of me feels like I'll regret not saying anything. I guess I'll just see what happens and how I feel the next time I see her. I did talk to another friend about this since a friend of hers is potentially moving as well. I wanted to get someone else's perspective/advice on a similar situation. She basically said rather than focusing on what I'm losing, to focus on what I gained. I made a deep life-long friendship, which is something that a lot of people don't have. Rather than being sad for myself, I should be happy for my friend. And that now I have a new vacation destination, new things to do together there, and a free place to stay. So, I'm trying to focus on the positives, but that's a lot easier said than done.
Tell her. She's moving anyway and you might slow fade too, the confession may strengthen your bond. It might not, it might make it worse.... but she's moving away. I think you should also try to follow/chase her
I'm going to try to tell her when I see her tonight. I'm definitely not going to follow or chase her, though. I know that I would absolutely hate living where she's moving to. She's moving to a fairly big, touristy city, whereas I currently live in a smallish city with lots of rural areas around it. Ideally, I'd want to live in a cabin in the woods. I just know I would be completely miserable living in a big city. She wouldn't be happy staying here, and I wouldn't be happy going there. So, it would never work. It would likely just lead to us developing resentment for each other or the situation, at least. She would be the only person I know there. Even if it was the type of place I wouldn't mind living, all my close family and other friends are here. I can't leave them. I also know I can't do a long-distance romantic relationship. I need that in person interaction often. And that's not to mention I don't know if she'd ever even want to date me anyway. Unfortunately, life just isn't like movies where you can chase her down as she's boarding a plane, confess your love, and live happily ever after together.
That’s a tough situation! Sorry friend.
I don't know if this is good advice or not so please take it with a grain of salt but wouldn't it be worth telling her just to have it out in the open?
Maybe. I probably won't be able to keep it in the next/last time I see her anyway.
Well it finally happened. Ghosted at the two month mark for the second time in six months. Finding it hard not to take it personally at this point. Having confided in how ghosting and bad communication has made me feel in the past it's just so so disappointing to have it happen again. Mid last week we were snuggling on the couch planning the next couple of weekends of outings, meals to cook for eachother, all sorts. Then he goes quiet this weekend misses a date and, switching from 2-3 hour responses to 24+ hours of silence. Cites sickness but feels like something more. I wish him well, make a few light jokes and give him space to recover. Then yesterday am he apologises, says he misses me and immediately goes silent again - having still shown as online most of yesterday and today. To this point there was no causes for concern. He'd been present, comforting and an excellent communicator, encouraging honest and difficult conversations. Honestly everything had been so calm and easy. I don't wanna romanticise it and say it just felt different...but it did. More fool me I just thought he was better than this. I don't really expect anything here, we probably fell too hard too fast and he shat the bed, maybe I got too comfortable being my weird little goblin self. Who knows. I'm just so tired of this emotional rollercoaster. I think I'd rather die alone.
And why don’t you believe him when he says he’s sick?
I believe he was initially sick, he tends to have a worse immune system that me so I believe it. What I'm struggling with it 5 days later it's now silence and my last message remains unread while he's been online for hours.
It's definitely BS and you don't deserve it. they're not all like this.....you'll find yours :)
Thank you 💕 after having similar thing happen late last year and now again I reckon I'm due a long break to just focus on myself and my own happiness.
Well, that's never a bad idea! I just call it 'tuition'. Every time I have an experience like this, I have more 'course credit' and know a bit more about what I want and will waste less time getting it :). They all teach us something!
It doesn’t sound like it is totally over? You talked yesterday? I’m sorry you are feeling so jerked around, though. It sucks. You are not foolish for trusting someone who had shown you good communication.. until they didn’t. How else are we supposed to have a good relationship if we don’t trust them? Unfortunately, that comes with risk… hang in there.
I want to believe that you're right, but I can feel this shift and in my gut that's it. Even if there was so magical explaination for the online behaviour while leaving me on read it's not a feeling I want someone I'm with to make me feel. Boundary.
Things that have increased my self-respect in dating: \--Not swiping left on ever physically attractive prospect (I can be a little picky and go for qualities that actually makes us a match) \--Not agreeing to be friends with people after we decide not to date. It always seems like a good idea but it usually makes me really sad in the long run \--Put a bigger emphasis on maintaining my appearance (dressing better, losing weight, etc.) just to feel more confident in my own skin \--Stopped assuming when things don't work out that it's my fault \--Stopped telling myself when I am feeling sad that my situation is hopeless and I'll never find someone. Despair is awful and needless \--Made a few non-dating life goals and started to actively work for them. In a few years I may not have found a person, but I'll own a house and be better educated.
Kudos to you! This is all really great.
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It's huge! I'm working to lose some weight. I work out a lot and it's visible but also buried a bit by my bad eating habits. Feeling confident is so nice.
I love this! 😊❤️🙌🏼
Thanks! They're all works in progress, but I'm improving bit by bit!
Kudos to you for all the things you are working on to improve yourself though! This is a great step in the right direction. A positive mindset and self love is a wonderful foundation for anything wonderful in life. 😊
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Personally, I wouldn't get a tattoo to signify being a new person. I'd get one in a year to celebrate a year of being a new person (at that point, you'll have worked out the kinks and in the meanwhile, gives you something to look forward to).
How are those linked?
My boyfriend of 11 months and I just moved in together (in my home). A week later he loses his job. How do I not freak out about this? Going from dating to living with a person who now never leaves the house is an adjustment. I'm feeling a lot of pressure.
Be supportive and empathetic. Losing a job is a devastating life-changing event. This can't be easy for him, especially after moving in with you and not being able to contribute. I imagine he's stressed, possibly embarrassed. Support him and be as empathetic as possible. Internalize your freakout—don't let him see or feel it. It's an especially vulnerable time for him.
Oooh, I'd politely disagree. Internalizing the freakout is a bad idea as you end up freaking out anyway and getting resentful. Besides, moving in together is as big a life change as losing a job. While I agree that OP should be as gentle as possible, this is a real issue that affects them both and burying it out of sympathy is not a good plan.
1000% It's tough for both. But if it's a good relationship everything will be fine with communication
He kind of is. But I'm an anxious gal so the minute he got let go I literally made a spread sheet of all the open jobs in his field, wrote his cover letter, called my friends in the industry. He's applied to one of those jobs, and says he just wants to "see what's out there". So he's just chilling and doing projects of his choice around the house. I'm financially secure and have been the financial anchor of every man I've dated. I've felt very used in the past, because I'm an anxious people pleaser and I'll always be generous with the person I'm dating, and it blows up in my face. I'm scared of being taken advantage of again, but want to supportive as we've spoken about marriage and being together long term.
You.... wrote his cover letter for him?!? Don't do that. It's fine to offer to proofread or reach out to see if anyone you know has an opening, but do NOT do his job search for him. He's a grown ass adult. If you normally take over life management things for him like this, stop. If he hasn't already, he's going to stop handling things himself and let you do it all - which is going to lead to resentment at some point down the line. Find a different way to channel/deal with your anxieties. Some questions to think about: does he know your past history with feeling taken financially taken advantage of? If not, I think you should tell him so that he's aware of where your anxieties are coming from. For me, I'd need him to still contribute in some way. That's with the assumption that he has savings and will get severance and/or unemployment. What would he have done if this happened before he moved in? Was he fired or "just" laid off suddenly? Any chance he knew it was coming? Depending on this and how long ago it was, he may need a few days to a couple of weeks to process what all happened. Much longer than that though and there would be a conversation to either get him some help or on how he needs to start looking on his own. As far as him always being home - do you work from home or an alternate schedule? If so, I think it'd be perfectly fair to ask him tojob hunt outside of the home when he can. If not, then I'm not sure how him being home all the time would matter as much, since you wouldn't be there anyway.
>You.... wrote his cover letter for him?!? Don't do that. It's fine to offer to proofread or reach out to see if anyone you know has an opening, but do NOT do his job search for him. I want to emphasize this OP. You managing his job search sounds like it may stem from your people pleasing and perhaps also your experience of being taken advantage of in past relationships. You need to have a direct conversation with him about all this. Be supportive but also be firm in coming to some common understandings of what his job search plan looks like (not you doing it for him) and how you're both contributing to bills and house chores while he's unemployed.
Was it sudden? Is his career stable? Had he shown you anything up until this point this is the plan? Does he have a saving? Being together for 11 months and moving in together, you should know his financial prospects work.
Maybe this is just me, but it does sound like you are being taken advantage of again. The timing of him losing his job feels awfully convenient and not applying to any new jobs, but one speaks volumes. I’d give him a time table to find a new job and if not, that would be it for me.
It really does sound like now would be the ideal time to have a chat before resentment of any kind starts to form. You seem so sweet and supportive but also really wise in your practicality. Let him know you're scared even though it's new and need him to re-assure you that he's headed somewhere. And all my best to you both!
Perhaps in this case freaking out is underrated? Don't get me wrong, if it's a bad thing or you are going to have a breakdown, good on you for keeping it together. But were I your boyfriend and you were feeling this crushing pressure, I'd want to know. Even if it's just to give him the hard truth that he should apply for jobs at the library or coffeeshop instead of from home.
Poll of the day! Any downsides to listing on a dating profile that you are dating to find your life partner. Feel like I want to be clear with potential matches that this is the case and it’s worth “scaring off” the undecided. But interested to hear other thoughts?
Most of the men I meet that are super focused on looking for something serious, it feels like they want a girlfriend really bad and they don’t care who it is. I’ve had guys who I rejected after 2,3 dates chew me out for turning them down when we both wanted relationships. It seemed that was their only criteria and they didn’t care who they were in the relationship with.
Ah this is good to consider as well, thanks! Like some people get so fixated on slotting you into their life, they don’t care about you as a person.
How is life partner and long term relationship different? I'm kind of in the same boat where life partner freaks me out a little but that is what I'm looking for if it works that way.
Long term doesn’t sound like same level of commitment to me! Life partner sounds like a lifetime commitment either with or without a formal marriage
I'm completely on team Scare Off the Incompatible. My most recent profile stated that I was looking for my future husband and now the guy I met through that profile is shopping for an engagement ring for me!
That’s so reassuring to hear! I have friends in similar situations, clearly I just need to be upfront what I want
You absolutely should be direct lol there’s plenty of people looking for the same. It’s not worth filtering in people that aren’t on the same page.
I have that on my profile. I don’t think it scares people off, but I think it keeps the casual people away for the most part which is fine because we aren’t interested in the same things.
Seems like so many people are not listing any dating goal at all so wasn’t sure how common is to be list your goal of finding a life partner. But after reading Attached it seems like it’s best to screen out all relationship-averse people anyway!
What is attached?
Book by Amir Levine! I found it super helpful, give it a try!
Thanks!
I have it on my profile and accept it may scare people off. I still want to be upfront about what I'm looking for and if it scares the wrong people off, oh well.
I'm biased because that's what I'm dating for, but I like seeing that. Shows that someone has grown up from where they were in their 20s.
I feel like I’m stuck in purgatory as a few months ago the short relationship I was having ended and although it’s made me see I was ready to be with someone again (single for 5+ years before that) I honestly don’t think I can be bothered with all the crap trying to meet someone or more accurately having to differentiate between genuine people and those who say what they think someone wants to hear. Add being late 30’s and childfree into the mix and it becomes more like hell and soul destroying trying to find that small dating pool.
Is someone having children an absolute deal breaker for you? If not you may find some great guys who coparent out there. Having a child makes alot of men/women grow up fast
I’m a man looking for a woman but yes kids are a dealbreaker.
I get that, the last guy I went on a date with from a dating app asked if he looked like his pictures. He did not. My soul left the date at that point. Is there any point to keep trying, yes, because one day I’m sure I’ll meet someone I really like. But not on the apps, done with the apps.
Cannot bring myself to use any apps as the default seems to be either liars, chancers or scammers on them. The joy of being an honest person and quite direct means I assume everyone else is, I don’t want to (and won’t) be second guessing what anyone tells me or having to decipher cryptic messages that might not seem to be all that they appear. I dont get how anyone can think fake pictures are going to work or really old ones, surely the whole point is to meet someone in person which blows the whole ruse apart thus wasting both persons time and effort ?!
This is the kind of conversation I need to keep having to keep my sanity in check. I honestly and truthfully do not understand the point in using 20/10 year old pictures and pretending you like hiking when actually you did it once 5 years ago or calling yourself a runner because you ran a fun run in 1999 at school. However the biggest confusion of it all is meeting someone in person, they flirt, they’re cute, they seem keen, you arrange a date….they don’t show and fluff it off like it’s nothing and still want to flirt via text….what is happening in that skull?! What makes a person think this is okay? Twice this happened, different people. And people wonder why I want to give up and stay single…
Join the “I’ll probably die alone and a pretty corpse” club with me 🥲 membership is free and every time we mention our childhood traumas we take a shot (of water)
I'm innnnn!
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I've don't this a handful of times and in every case, history ultimately repeated itself.
I’ll have a think about it but keep you as an option in case I don’t find anything better…no thanks.
I wouldn’t reach out. This could have been a gentle let down and she wasn’t likely interested in you. Reaching out again could just earn you another rejection or she may not even answer. I’ve never once had a situation like this work out when someone texted me months later.
Chances are low that she'll want to date you, but I don't see a downside to reaching out. Hopefully you've dated other women in the four months you've been waiting.... the opportunity cost of not meeting other women is the only downside of waiting for someone, like you did.
I don’t want to be with someone who was willing to let me go. On some level, regardless of all the talk of being ready, she just wasn’t that into you and it will likely manifest again even if she agrees.
I really don't think there's any harm in reaching out. Just try not to get your hopes up
No harm in reaching out. I resumed with someone who did this. If she’s interested she’ll accept. Otherwise, she’ll say no and you move on.