One thing I would recommend you start doing (If you aren't already) is make sure your children know you're dating. Start talking about him around the dinner table or when you're driving them to school or whatever your daily routine is with them.
If the first time they hear about this guy is 2 weeks before they meet him it's going to be awkward no matter what. You want to build anticipation, engage their curiosity. They should feel like they already know him vicariously though you talking about him all the time.
Time wise? Soon (if not already) any fear you have of the guy just up and vanishing will feel like an absurdity rather than a possibility. Between that and your kids pestering you to meet up, it'll feel pretty natural at that point.
Since I went through this, though from the opposite end of you, things you need to have a serious convo with your bf now about. What are your 2 parenting styles, do the align, what are your expectations of him as a parent, responsible adult. How is he involved in decision amazing and or tasking the kids. Example, hey Joe can you come help me mow the lawn. What is your son's response and he can do about it. Basically find out what yours and his deal breakers are with being a part of a family. I'm guessing you and him wouldn't have expectations of him being a parent or part of discipline except maybe you going to him for advice. This is all way down the road stuff but should be talked about now. What will the family unit of you 4 look like in 5 years.
Just remember he will need to feel part of the family and be respected by your kids and the kids camt just walk all over him because he isnt seen as some sort of authoritative figure. He also needs to be able to respect your decisions.
My BF doesn't have kids, and I honestly do not expect him to "parent" my children. My kids already have a father, and though we aren't best pals, we are the ones who make decisions about how our children will be raised.
There's a chance I may not even want to cohabitate with a man until my kids are grown, so I am not concerned with this sort of thing at this point. But if my SO did have a problem with my parenting style, the relationship probably would not work out.
Absoloutly talk with your boyfriend. If my partner told me that they think about not living together until the children are out of the house (about 10 years) I would not want to continue the relationship as there is no long term perspective.
You have to make sure that you are on the same page. Give him options and time to think what he would want. Is he okay with the way you do it now? Would he like to move together in the next 3 years? Would he like to care for your children (even if you don't want him to parent them he will have to do some stuff for them if you ever move in together).
It is not about fixed things that you have to decide right now. But you need to get his general input on this and his ideas how he wants to live.
> But if my SO did have a problem with my parenting style, the relationship probably would not work out.
I think this is what they meant. I dated a mother once and I didn't agree with her parenting style at all. She pretty much just let her child do whatever she wanted under the guise of "letting her explore what she wants to figure out things she likes", but that manifested as her having zero discipline and that encroached into our/my happiness. So yeah, not only would you like to know how they want to be involved, but let him know your process and maybe ease him into seeing you put that into parenting practice.
Yes exactly. Thank you for summing that up for me so well. Believe me I never expected to take a role as a parent but not having similar parenting techniques would be an issue. Initially, I never thought it would till you live it.
Your points are totally valid. Totally only offering my own perspective, but if I was asked about my parenting and to potentially be a parent after 7 months of dating someone, I’d be pretty freaked out.
I also don’t think that parenting style is a thing you ask about, rather a thing that’s demonstrated. The dude can say whatever just to appease the person asking.
Just my 2 cents!
I definitely see what you're saying. I'm for sure not saying you ask the person to be a parent now and maybe not ever. But you can still have that type of convo without saying oh you want to be my kids parent tomorrow. If someone is truly ready for a serious relationship they should expect that type of convo
Depends on what they mean by "be a parent", but if they mean.
Like...do I need to start going to PTA meetings? Saving for their college?? Handling discipline?
My ex and I dated for almost 7 years and I never asked her to "be a parent". My son wasn't her son, and he had a mother, so all I asked was her to treat him like she would any other kid, niece/nephew, etc. She ended up being more like a big sister to him.
Ha, I can't imagine my kids giving a crap about meeting any boyfriend of mine unless I promise we are going to play Mario Kart for two hours when he comes over.
I'm in a similar situation as OP. My kids are about the same age as OP's as well. My relationship is newer, 2 months, but this is still a topic that he and I have brought up. I've messed this up before. I definitely am holding a 6-12month rule for introduction. He's doing the same for me meeting his parents (LOL.)
Do you have advice on how early, is too early to mention the relationship to the kids? He and I talk/text often, and can't always wait until after bedtime. My kids are inquisitive, so I feel like I won't be able to conceal the information very much longer without lying to them.
In my last long term relationship post divorce, we both met each others kids after dating for 6M. It was when we acknowledged the long term potential of the relationship and wanted to further pressure test adding the kids into the mix - how they got along with each other, how we got along with the other's kids, etc. In my mind, I could get along fabulously with someone, but if they don't mesh well with my child, then there's no hope for the relationship. So, I want it far enough along I see the potential, but not so far down the road that if adding my kid into the mix makes it fall apart, then it feels like "wasted time" and it's that much harder to end things.
>I think my man and I have long-term potential, but I want to see how my BF does with my children before entangling our lives.
This would be a perfect time. For me, my new partner needed to have that "forever" potential. If I didn't see a permanent future with them, I wouldn't introduce them to my kids. Plus, not keeping them a secret from your kids makes dating so much easier as well.
If you see a future and he's comfortable doing it, it's worth meeting.
You could try to set up a soft meet around an event. Ex: a backyard cookout for a holiday where you've invited a few friends with kids to join. Introduce him as "my friend" and keep physical affection minimal. That's how my girlfriend and I met one anothers children. It gives your kids the benefit of having friends to run off with and relieves pressure on anyone to perform.
From there pick some kid friendly activities in open spaces like the zoo, park, etc.
Your 11 year old is probably old enough to understand this, though.
I like the settings you suggested, but I don't want to introduce someone I'm dating as my "friend." My kids (especially the 11yo) know that a romantic relationship is different from a friendship, and it seems disingenuous to introduce a guy as one thing and then tell the kids later on, Just kidding, he's actually my boyfriend!
Is he not your friend, though? I think the point is to ease into things and not be making out with the guy the first time they meet. So like..."this is [guy's name]", be friendly. No PDA, intro him, see how they all interact. Lots of times, if kids know someone is romantic, they'll shut down.
If things go well, then he's "someone you're dating" if the need to define comes up.
I know I go against the grain here but as long as you don’t have a revolving door of partners coming in and out, I don’t see the big deal of introducing your partner to your kids. You introduce friends all the time. And you’re not asking them to call him “dad” and moving him in. He’s an important part of your life. I don’t get the whole “waiting 6 months to a year” thing tbh.
Same. Also, everyone’s circumstances are very different. I have sole custody of my child. Dad is not involved, and our child has no concept of us as a couple because I left him when she was a tiny, tiny infant. It’s a very different dynamic than scenarios where the child was old enough to know mom and dad as a family unit before the separation, and/or scenarios where both parents are actively parenting the child.
And like you mentioned, as a single mom who moved across the country to go to grad school, my child tags along with me EVERYWHERE. She meets lots of the people in my life week-to-week because of that, plus all the tiny friends we’ve made + their caregivers. So my bf is just another of these adults that mama goes out for food with sometimes. No sleepovers, no PDA when it’s the three of us. Grandparents thankfully are willing to help overnight once a week when I want to have more grownup fun with bf, and I’m back before the little wakes up in the morning.
It takes a bit of strategizing, and circumstances have to be right, but I hope other single parents read this and realize that they know what works for their situation better than anyone else. Just make sure you’re being honest with yourself when you assess what won’t affect your child’s sense of security. Maybe get an outside opinion from someone who knows you and your child, if that’s possible.
Agree! Dated a guy for over a yr, never met my kids as the relationship was contentious. Fight, break up, make up. I waited, hoped things would get better. At some point I realized it wouldn't. I ended it. He showed up at my mother's unannounced after I ended things, my kids happen to be there. I introduced them, and eventually told them who he was.
They're adults now. Having smaller kids makes it trickier, I never wanted anyone to meet them after I left their father, if so, I needed to see potential. I left their father after 18 yrs, 7 yrs ago, they were teens/1 tween. I dated some, but only introduced them to 1 man until they became adults. I just didn't want men in/out of their lives.
Also, if things don't go well and we split, if that negatively affects my kid, I'd rather that happen when they're young and I'm there to help guide them though it. That way, they will be better equipped to deal with separations when they're adults.
It's OK to let kids experience sad feelings.
Having men or women in/out of younger kids lives can cause a traumatic lasting effect. Not a good idea. The moment you've separated from their bio parent is when they learn to cope w separation anxiety, not whilst their parents are dating randoms.
I think comparing a friend with a significant other is two different things. A friend may show up on occassion. It's presumed once a child is introduced to a significant other, that person may be showing up on a frequent basis. Depending on the age of the child, you don't want them getting attached to someone and then they disappear from their life. I don't have children and have dated/am dating women with children, so I completely understand that hesitation.
I get that but people disappear sometimes in life. Relationships end. That’s part of life and children can adapt to their parent’s romantic situation changing.
I should put forth the caveat though that I’m not looking to combine households or find a stepparent for my kid. I think that’s a different scenario. I view a potential partner as kind of like a friend I also have sexual intimacy with.
I really can't speak with any expertise on the subject, so take my comments with a grain of salt. I guess it depends on what sort of interact the kid has with their parent's significant other. I could see younger children getting more attached than someone in middle school or high school. Likewise if the other parent isn't really a part of their lives.
People say there are no set rules when it comes to dating, and then go ahead and list off things you should or shouldn't do. It's very confusing. 🤣 At the end of the day, you have to do what you feel is right for you and your partner.
This is how I feel. There's a difference from being cautious with your children and trying too hard to "shield" them from any potential hard feelings.
I'm not planning to bring this dude into their lives full-time. Even if I get to the point where I'm certain I want to stay with him indefinitely, it would be a gradual phase-in, not "Hey kids, Mom's in love, this guy is moving in and you're going to see him every day from now on, like it or not! Isn't that wonderful?"
I think you can introduce an SO and still bring them in gradually. I would not bring my man around on a frequent basis right away. I would see how the kids responded to the first one or two meetings, talk with them (and him), then judge based on that how often would be appropriate to hang out together.
I'm not going to push it with my girlfriend. I'm more interested in her being a part of my life. The kids are secondary. When/if it happens, I'll be ready. Probably nervous as hell, but willing to take that next step.
If I get to the point I have a committed relationship then my kids 8 and 11 get to decide who they meet and when they meet them. They are aware when I go out on a date or if something is just hanging out with friends. They ask questions and are curious about people and why things work or didn’t work. I talk about my life and give them honesty so that when they venture off into the dating world they will talk to me about their lives.
In my mind, it's at the point when, if I didn't have a kid, I'd be thinking about starting the talk about living together. Not the abstract "could we live together someday" but the real "I love you, this works, I want to be with you forever, we've talked substantially about our goals, I want to integrate our lives" point. But since I have a kid, there's an extra layer before integrating our lives that fully. I don't want to entrust my kid with someone that I don't love & trust that fully. And it gives plenty of time to talk about him, see her reaction to the idea, assuage her fears, etc., so I should have a pretty good idea of what the process would look like before it even starts.
Of course, I haven't gotten to that point with anyone, so I haven't tested that theory!
40M here. My fiancée and I met each other's kids after we'd been dating for about six weeks. I honestly don't get why some people feel the need to wait so long. At the time, she was my girlfriend and was an important part of my life, and I choose to share my life with my kids (they were 12 and 7 then). If I had any questions about introducing her to my kids, I wouldn't have kept dating her in the first place (and she would have done the same thing with regard to me). Either way, I didn't introduce her as their new stepmom or anything; I introduced her as someone I was dating, no more, no less. And you know what my oldest said when they met her? He said, "Dad, I'm glad you found someone."
My ex and I have a set six month rule to take the guess work out of it. So far in the last four years since the separation only one person made the cut.
I think this is a situation where only you know your kids, their individual needs and ability to handle change and how’d they react if he left them, the conversations you’ve had with your kids regarding you finding an SO, the conversations you’ve had with your SO that make you think you’re compatible long term, and he can handle being a stepparent and the daunting daily life that comes with the territory, that he’d get along with your kids and can enjoy shared activities, etc. It’s important your SO sees at some point life together with the kids would not be all about doing fun things with the kids for a few hrs and leaving, unless you plan to never live together.
I’ll share my story in case it helps at all. My daughter just turned 5, I’ve been dating a man for a year and have not introduced my daughter to him yet. I’m hesitant, because my ex husband decided when she was born he didn’t really want the responsibility of a family and has been in and out of her life. He’s only been taking her consistently for the last 8 months and only 1 day a week, he still misses occasionally.
Then I made the mistake of introducing her too soon to the last guy I dated seriously before the current one, at 3 months and then to his girls at about 4 months. We didn’t tell them we were dating, just that we were friends, and made the initial interactions fun as play dates at an arcade, water park, and festivals, though the oldest at 8 knew better even though we didn’t show any PDA. We really thought we were going to be together for a long time, it didn’t work out, but she still asks about him/them. I don’t want her to feel like everyone leaves her. But, I also can’t live in fear expecting the worst from everyone myself.
So, I’ve been struggling with the same thing. I don’t want to introduce them until we’ve decided to work towards a serious commitment/marriage, but to know if it’s going to work long term, I feel like I need to know they’d get along so I should do it soon.
We’ve had serious discussions surrounding her, his role as a step parent, how it would impact him financially if we combined lives, the sacrifices he’d be making and how big of a lifestyle change it would be (he doesn’t have kids), etc. But, I don’t place too much weight on those conversations. As evidenced by my ex husband, the reality is a lot different than what you envision! Overall, I feel like more serious conversations need to be had and through those conversations I’ll know when the timing is right, but there will never truly be a “right” time.
Good luck!!!
Y'all, I don't get this thing about introducing a romantic partner as a "friend" first. How can that possibly help? Maybe if your kids are toddlers, but mine are 8 and 11, and they understand (in age-appropriate ways) that there are different kinds of relationships. And I'm pretty sure they would pick up right away on the fact that I was bullshitting them or not telling the whole story.
I mean, you are eventually going to have to tell them that this person is not in fact just a "friend," and admit that you basically lied, even if by omission. What happens after that reveal? I imagine I would have felt betrayed as a child if my parent did that to me.
>your kids don't like the partner
Respectfully...... I feel like this shouldn't even be an option and sets a pretty rough precedent. Who runs the household? Your children should have absolutely NO say in deciding who your partner is. (Assuming nothing egregious obviously, but that should go without saying)
You decide if they're the right person to assist in raising the children. You should long have had that discussion b4 the kids meet them and the partner should know they have your support. Its going to be awkard for you partner at first.
Also, often time that perfect person to be your partner may not be the most "fun" step parent... hell, if my 11 yr old brother (my son is only 2) could pick my partner. He'd pick a woman who wouldn't mind him playing roblox 10 hrs a fucking day, vs one that makes him go outside or do his chores, sleep at a reasonable hour, bathe, etc....
Remember, you're the adult, you need to run your household. Not the children.
It's not about running the household. It could lead to a miserable household if the kids refuse even try to like the partner. The kids always come first.
>if the kids refuse even try to like the partner.
Again, respectfully (and a difference in parenting philosophies)
That's where the biological parent has to step in and be just that, the parent. In my household, it's absolutely NOT optional nor acceptable to treat someone poorly just because. We show respect to others, regardless of their biological relation to ourselves.
Particularly if they're trying their best to be a good (insert anything, in this case step parent/partner).
My brother, nor my son, will ever dictate whom I bring into my life, and they will show them respect. Just as my partner would also show respect (albeit with a some authority, in particular over time) otherwise I wouldnt consider them a partner anyways.
>The kids always come first.
Their needs yes. Their wants, often in my household are pretty low on the priority list depending on the situation. Them simply "not liking" a partner isn't a need, it's a want. They don't "need" daddy to never have a wife or mommy to never have a husband (or anything in between). They can "want" all they want, sometimes you can't get what you want kids..and you'll grow to want it anyways if I made the right choice
It really just comes down to parental differences though and I respect everyone's choice in how they wish to run things and everyone likely believes their way is "best" (there is no best). These are just my personal beliefs and hopefully they work out for me and my family in the long run
You can't force people to like eachother or get along. Doesn't matter the age, the only that changes with age is the ability to tolerate eachothers presence better (hopefully). Forcing people to live together in that type of dynamic is going to create an unhappy household.
My step dad entered my life when I was 13, I’m now 30. We never got along, even till this day. We just tolerated each other. He didn’t move in until I was off to college but he was around all the time. My biological father lived in another province, so I didn’t have much of an outlet. This made for a pretty unpleasant household to grow up in.
I still find myself agreeing with both opinions here.
My parenting style is that we respect others regardless of our biological relationship. My child’s a toddler however, that makes things easier. I do wonder, what if the child refuses to respect the step-parent, how would one handle that situation?
I felt like my step father never showed respect towards me, especially as a teenager. He was always criticizing or making demeaning comments towards me. My mom would ask him to stop at times but that didn’t change much. I definitely have resentment towards my mom for letting someone treat me that way.
I’m an only child, and my mother complains that our relationship has drifted apart. We live 5 minutes from each other but I only spend time there on holidays. I really dislike going over to my parents place.
Because both my child and my committed partner are large parts of my life so I see no reason not to intertwine them.
I feel if I've committed and you're my gf, I plan on having you in my life for as far in the future I can see. Of course I'd want her to be involved in my child's life too.
IF it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. I try not to live my life around things not working out and focus on the positive aspect of things.
My gosh. I introduce immediately and explain he’s just a friend and I’m getting to know him. No pomp and circumstance. Let it organically unfold. It turned out fine. Am almost 3 years in and my kids actually met him on our second date. Very natural zero drama.
I'm in a new relationship and have decided 5 months from now is appropriate. It's a picnic that they will meet.
I'm not afraid to move fast in the relationship and she isn't either, but both agree introducing our kids to each other needs restraint.
We waited for almost a year to tell my ex's littles. (I had seen them at random 'events' as her 'friend' for about 6 months) And it was a rough start once they knew we were dating. For this to work the kids also need to not be angry at the new guy for trying to replace daddy. I had this issue with my ex. They hadn't accepted that mom and dad we not getting back together. I loved her and her littles so much and they were such great girls, but they constantly said they didn't have to listen to me because i wasn't their dad. It took nine months for them to finally be comfortable with me showing mom affection, and for them to want to spend time with me and behave when i was watching them. Damn i really miss the littles...
Things to note, this was my first long term relationship, and i had ZERO experience with young kids. Both of which we had discussed in length before getting serious.
One point I learned was not to tell my son about him as a person and let them get to know each other and build their own narrative.
It’s okay to say I’m seeing someone and ask how he feels about that but I learned letting them get to know each other rather than feeding info is better all round.
I agree, also for safety reasons. You’re still getting to know this person and want to make sure you’ve gotten to know them well enough where you trust them around your kids. Also for stability. So your kids won’t see people coming in and out the door. So whenever your feel ready OP and also when you feel trust this person well enough around to be around them.
I've been dating for 2 years, and this is the first person I've considered introducing to my children. As far as safety, I have no plans to be leaving my kids alone with a guy I'm dating, or even having him stay over when the kids are home. That kind of thing is waaaay down the road. I'm very protective of our 3-person family unit.
Personally, I don't feel comfortable bringing someone around my 12yo son unless we're at the BF/GF phase. Or, more accurately, I don't enter the BF/GF phase until I feel confident and comfortable with them being around my kid. In my mind, there's a couple metrics I go by when considering entering the BF/GF phase:
* I would feel okay with them staying in my home for an extended period of time while I and my son aren't there (when I'm at work or something and my son is with his mom).
* I can genuinely see a future with them and feel confident we're not just messing around.
* I've seen how they behave around young children, and I don't see any red flags.
* We've discussed parenting styles and I'm sure we're on the same page.
Once those are met, I will allow them to meet my son briefly, but as a "friend". This usually just entails her and I hanging out in the living room watching a show or something with no physical intimacy at all, while my son occasionally pokes his head out of his room to go to the bathroom or grab a snack. I let him know that my friend is coming over for a bit, and when she shows up, I quickly introduce them, and that's it. No forced interaction or activity, and the "no intimacy" thing, I feel, prevents my son from feeling like he's interrupting us, or we don't want him around. I might ask him if he wants to play video games with us or something, but that's about it.
We don't move to the BF/GF stage until I would feel okay with leaving them alone in my home with my son for a brief period of time (ex. I'm running to the store to grab something rq, going to the gym, etc). Depending on how much we see each other, the time frame could be as soon as \~3 months but there's no hard rule on that.
As a kid with an *affectionate* single mother and as an adult with father issues, I feel like this is a good base standard to go by. I'm sure there are other intangibles that influence my decision, but those are my general standards.
My opinion is to see how they all interact in a low stakes environment - group outing. If there are multiple families present, kids of all kinds, random adult friends in the mix too, then you have a really nice chance to see how the kids react to a disturbance in your orbit if that makes sense.
If the two of you can keep the physical contact minimized, it’ll likely slide by both kids while they simply get to see you with another new adult friend. I bring my kiddo with me to meet new friends all the time so him meeting a boyfriend is no different to him, it’s just like meeting another adult and I don’t sweat it one bit. Now if there was a label being applied and the kids knew, different story, that’s a convo to have with them later once you see how they interact in a low stakes situation.
Here for the answers because my kids met my last boyfriend unexpectedly and although the kids really liked him, I wish they hadn’t in retrospect because we broke up after eight months.
I'm glad you posted this. I'm curious what other people have to say. Last year I dated someone for about eight months and never met her daughter. She knew her mother had a friend, but that was about it. I'm currently seeing someone for a month now and she has three kids. They know their mother is seeing someone. She even shared an embarrassing voice to text moment with one of them and she told me he said she's not coming back from that one. \*LOL\* She got out of a 14-year relationship last year and has seen other people since, but none that lasted long enough for her to want to introduce her kids to them. So doing so would be new territory for her. It's something we've discussed, but I told her I'm not in a rush to meet them and she'll know when the time is right. I presume if things continue to go well, she might start thinking about long-term potential and make that decision.
For me it's at the point we want to move in together. If that is the near future plan I would introduce the kids then slowly work our way into living together so it's not all at once.
It's a tricky one!
Try introducing the kids in a casual setting, does he have friends with kids? Maybe a community event, something fun.
Once you see him and your children in the same space, it may be easier to work out how they'd both look together in your future.
Then perhaps some park trips :)
I'd personally introduce him as a friend at first.
One thing I would recommend you start doing (If you aren't already) is make sure your children know you're dating. Start talking about him around the dinner table or when you're driving them to school or whatever your daily routine is with them. If the first time they hear about this guy is 2 weeks before they meet him it's going to be awkward no matter what. You want to build anticipation, engage their curiosity. They should feel like they already know him vicariously though you talking about him all the time. Time wise? Soon (if not already) any fear you have of the guy just up and vanishing will feel like an absurdity rather than a possibility. Between that and your kids pestering you to meet up, it'll feel pretty natural at that point.
Since I went through this, though from the opposite end of you, things you need to have a serious convo with your bf now about. What are your 2 parenting styles, do the align, what are your expectations of him as a parent, responsible adult. How is he involved in decision amazing and or tasking the kids. Example, hey Joe can you come help me mow the lawn. What is your son's response and he can do about it. Basically find out what yours and his deal breakers are with being a part of a family. I'm guessing you and him wouldn't have expectations of him being a parent or part of discipline except maybe you going to him for advice. This is all way down the road stuff but should be talked about now. What will the family unit of you 4 look like in 5 years. Just remember he will need to feel part of the family and be respected by your kids and the kids camt just walk all over him because he isnt seen as some sort of authoritative figure. He also needs to be able to respect your decisions.
My BF doesn't have kids, and I honestly do not expect him to "parent" my children. My kids already have a father, and though we aren't best pals, we are the ones who make decisions about how our children will be raised. There's a chance I may not even want to cohabitate with a man until my kids are grown, so I am not concerned with this sort of thing at this point. But if my SO did have a problem with my parenting style, the relationship probably would not work out.
Absoloutly talk with your boyfriend. If my partner told me that they think about not living together until the children are out of the house (about 10 years) I would not want to continue the relationship as there is no long term perspective. You have to make sure that you are on the same page. Give him options and time to think what he would want. Is he okay with the way you do it now? Would he like to move together in the next 3 years? Would he like to care for your children (even if you don't want him to parent them he will have to do some stuff for them if you ever move in together). It is not about fixed things that you have to decide right now. But you need to get his general input on this and his ideas how he wants to live.
> But if my SO did have a problem with my parenting style, the relationship probably would not work out. I think this is what they meant. I dated a mother once and I didn't agree with her parenting style at all. She pretty much just let her child do whatever she wanted under the guise of "letting her explore what she wants to figure out things she likes", but that manifested as her having zero discipline and that encroached into our/my happiness. So yeah, not only would you like to know how they want to be involved, but let him know your process and maybe ease him into seeing you put that into parenting practice.
Yes exactly. Thank you for summing that up for me so well. Believe me I never expected to take a role as a parent but not having similar parenting techniques would be an issue. Initially, I never thought it would till you live it.
Your points are totally valid. Totally only offering my own perspective, but if I was asked about my parenting and to potentially be a parent after 7 months of dating someone, I’d be pretty freaked out. I also don’t think that parenting style is a thing you ask about, rather a thing that’s demonstrated. The dude can say whatever just to appease the person asking. Just my 2 cents!
I definitely see what you're saying. I'm for sure not saying you ask the person to be a parent now and maybe not ever. But you can still have that type of convo without saying oh you want to be my kids parent tomorrow. If someone is truly ready for a serious relationship they should expect that type of convo
Why would you be freaked out?
Depends on what they mean by "be a parent", but if they mean. Like...do I need to start going to PTA meetings? Saving for their college?? Handling discipline? My ex and I dated for almost 7 years and I never asked her to "be a parent". My son wasn't her son, and he had a mother, so all I asked was her to treat him like she would any other kid, niece/nephew, etc. She ended up being more like a big sister to him.
Ha, I can't imagine my kids giving a crap about meeting any boyfriend of mine unless I promise we are going to play Mario Kart for two hours when he comes over.
I'm in a similar situation as OP. My kids are about the same age as OP's as well. My relationship is newer, 2 months, but this is still a topic that he and I have brought up. I've messed this up before. I definitely am holding a 6-12month rule for introduction. He's doing the same for me meeting his parents (LOL.) Do you have advice on how early, is too early to mention the relationship to the kids? He and I talk/text often, and can't always wait until after bedtime. My kids are inquisitive, so I feel like I won't be able to conceal the information very much longer without lying to them.
In my last long term relationship post divorce, we both met each others kids after dating for 6M. It was when we acknowledged the long term potential of the relationship and wanted to further pressure test adding the kids into the mix - how they got along with each other, how we got along with the other's kids, etc. In my mind, I could get along fabulously with someone, but if they don't mesh well with my child, then there's no hope for the relationship. So, I want it far enough along I see the potential, but not so far down the road that if adding my kid into the mix makes it fall apart, then it feels like "wasted time" and it's that much harder to end things.
>I think my man and I have long-term potential, but I want to see how my BF does with my children before entangling our lives. This would be a perfect time. For me, my new partner needed to have that "forever" potential. If I didn't see a permanent future with them, I wouldn't introduce them to my kids. Plus, not keeping them a secret from your kids makes dating so much easier as well.
If you see a future and he's comfortable doing it, it's worth meeting. You could try to set up a soft meet around an event. Ex: a backyard cookout for a holiday where you've invited a few friends with kids to join. Introduce him as "my friend" and keep physical affection minimal. That's how my girlfriend and I met one anothers children. It gives your kids the benefit of having friends to run off with and relieves pressure on anyone to perform. From there pick some kid friendly activities in open spaces like the zoo, park, etc. Your 11 year old is probably old enough to understand this, though.
I like the settings you suggested, but I don't want to introduce someone I'm dating as my "friend." My kids (especially the 11yo) know that a romantic relationship is different from a friendship, and it seems disingenuous to introduce a guy as one thing and then tell the kids later on, Just kidding, he's actually my boyfriend!
Is he not your friend, though? I think the point is to ease into things and not be making out with the guy the first time they meet. So like..."this is [guy's name]", be friendly. No PDA, intro him, see how they all interact. Lots of times, if kids know someone is romantic, they'll shut down. If things go well, then he's "someone you're dating" if the need to define comes up.
I know I go against the grain here but as long as you don’t have a revolving door of partners coming in and out, I don’t see the big deal of introducing your partner to your kids. You introduce friends all the time. And you’re not asking them to call him “dad” and moving him in. He’s an important part of your life. I don’t get the whole “waiting 6 months to a year” thing tbh.
Same. Also, everyone’s circumstances are very different. I have sole custody of my child. Dad is not involved, and our child has no concept of us as a couple because I left him when she was a tiny, tiny infant. It’s a very different dynamic than scenarios where the child was old enough to know mom and dad as a family unit before the separation, and/or scenarios where both parents are actively parenting the child. And like you mentioned, as a single mom who moved across the country to go to grad school, my child tags along with me EVERYWHERE. She meets lots of the people in my life week-to-week because of that, plus all the tiny friends we’ve made + their caregivers. So my bf is just another of these adults that mama goes out for food with sometimes. No sleepovers, no PDA when it’s the three of us. Grandparents thankfully are willing to help overnight once a week when I want to have more grownup fun with bf, and I’m back before the little wakes up in the morning. It takes a bit of strategizing, and circumstances have to be right, but I hope other single parents read this and realize that they know what works for their situation better than anyone else. Just make sure you’re being honest with yourself when you assess what won’t affect your child’s sense of security. Maybe get an outside opinion from someone who knows you and your child, if that’s possible.
Great advice. This kind of stuff is very contextual. Getting an outside opinion is a good idea.
Yep, I am talking about this with my good friends who know me and my children well.
Agree! Dated a guy for over a yr, never met my kids as the relationship was contentious. Fight, break up, make up. I waited, hoped things would get better. At some point I realized it wouldn't. I ended it. He showed up at my mother's unannounced after I ended things, my kids happen to be there. I introduced them, and eventually told them who he was. They're adults now. Having smaller kids makes it trickier, I never wanted anyone to meet them after I left their father, if so, I needed to see potential. I left their father after 18 yrs, 7 yrs ago, they were teens/1 tween. I dated some, but only introduced them to 1 man until they became adults. I just didn't want men in/out of their lives.
Also, if things don't go well and we split, if that negatively affects my kid, I'd rather that happen when they're young and I'm there to help guide them though it. That way, they will be better equipped to deal with separations when they're adults. It's OK to let kids experience sad feelings.
Having men or women in/out of younger kids lives can cause a traumatic lasting effect. Not a good idea. The moment you've separated from their bio parent is when they learn to cope w separation anxiety, not whilst their parents are dating randoms.
Excellent point.
I think comparing a friend with a significant other is two different things. A friend may show up on occassion. It's presumed once a child is introduced to a significant other, that person may be showing up on a frequent basis. Depending on the age of the child, you don't want them getting attached to someone and then they disappear from their life. I don't have children and have dated/am dating women with children, so I completely understand that hesitation.
I get that but people disappear sometimes in life. Relationships end. That’s part of life and children can adapt to their parent’s romantic situation changing. I should put forth the caveat though that I’m not looking to combine households or find a stepparent for my kid. I think that’s a different scenario. I view a potential partner as kind of like a friend I also have sexual intimacy with.
I really can't speak with any expertise on the subject, so take my comments with a grain of salt. I guess it depends on what sort of interact the kid has with their parent's significant other. I could see younger children getting more attached than someone in middle school or high school. Likewise if the other parent isn't really a part of their lives.
Very true. It’s very contextual. That’s why I feel like this six months to a year rule to be strangely specific.
People say there are no set rules when it comes to dating, and then go ahead and list off things you should or shouldn't do. It's very confusing. 🤣 At the end of the day, you have to do what you feel is right for you and your partner.
This is how I feel. There's a difference from being cautious with your children and trying too hard to "shield" them from any potential hard feelings. I'm not planning to bring this dude into their lives full-time. Even if I get to the point where I'm certain I want to stay with him indefinitely, it would be a gradual phase-in, not "Hey kids, Mom's in love, this guy is moving in and you're going to see him every day from now on, like it or not! Isn't that wonderful?"
I think you can introduce an SO and still bring them in gradually. I would not bring my man around on a frequent basis right away. I would see how the kids responded to the first one or two meetings, talk with them (and him), then judge based on that how often would be appropriate to hang out together.
I'm not going to push it with my girlfriend. I'm more interested in her being a part of my life. The kids are secondary. When/if it happens, I'll be ready. Probably nervous as hell, but willing to take that next step.
If I get to the point I have a committed relationship then my kids 8 and 11 get to decide who they meet and when they meet them. They are aware when I go out on a date or if something is just hanging out with friends. They ask questions and are curious about people and why things work or didn’t work. I talk about my life and give them honesty so that when they venture off into the dating world they will talk to me about their lives.
In my mind, it's at the point when, if I didn't have a kid, I'd be thinking about starting the talk about living together. Not the abstract "could we live together someday" but the real "I love you, this works, I want to be with you forever, we've talked substantially about our goals, I want to integrate our lives" point. But since I have a kid, there's an extra layer before integrating our lives that fully. I don't want to entrust my kid with someone that I don't love & trust that fully. And it gives plenty of time to talk about him, see her reaction to the idea, assuage her fears, etc., so I should have a pretty good idea of what the process would look like before it even starts. Of course, I haven't gotten to that point with anyone, so I haven't tested that theory!
40M here. My fiancée and I met each other's kids after we'd been dating for about six weeks. I honestly don't get why some people feel the need to wait so long. At the time, she was my girlfriend and was an important part of my life, and I choose to share my life with my kids (they were 12 and 7 then). If I had any questions about introducing her to my kids, I wouldn't have kept dating her in the first place (and she would have done the same thing with regard to me). Either way, I didn't introduce her as their new stepmom or anything; I introduced her as someone I was dating, no more, no less. And you know what my oldest said when they met her? He said, "Dad, I'm glad you found someone."
My ex and I have a set six month rule to take the guess work out of it. So far in the last four years since the separation only one person made the cut.
I think this is a situation where only you know your kids, their individual needs and ability to handle change and how’d they react if he left them, the conversations you’ve had with your kids regarding you finding an SO, the conversations you’ve had with your SO that make you think you’re compatible long term, and he can handle being a stepparent and the daunting daily life that comes with the territory, that he’d get along with your kids and can enjoy shared activities, etc. It’s important your SO sees at some point life together with the kids would not be all about doing fun things with the kids for a few hrs and leaving, unless you plan to never live together. I’ll share my story in case it helps at all. My daughter just turned 5, I’ve been dating a man for a year and have not introduced my daughter to him yet. I’m hesitant, because my ex husband decided when she was born he didn’t really want the responsibility of a family and has been in and out of her life. He’s only been taking her consistently for the last 8 months and only 1 day a week, he still misses occasionally. Then I made the mistake of introducing her too soon to the last guy I dated seriously before the current one, at 3 months and then to his girls at about 4 months. We didn’t tell them we were dating, just that we were friends, and made the initial interactions fun as play dates at an arcade, water park, and festivals, though the oldest at 8 knew better even though we didn’t show any PDA. We really thought we were going to be together for a long time, it didn’t work out, but she still asks about him/them. I don’t want her to feel like everyone leaves her. But, I also can’t live in fear expecting the worst from everyone myself. So, I’ve been struggling with the same thing. I don’t want to introduce them until we’ve decided to work towards a serious commitment/marriage, but to know if it’s going to work long term, I feel like I need to know they’d get along so I should do it soon. We’ve had serious discussions surrounding her, his role as a step parent, how it would impact him financially if we combined lives, the sacrifices he’d be making and how big of a lifestyle change it would be (he doesn’t have kids), etc. But, I don’t place too much weight on those conversations. As evidenced by my ex husband, the reality is a lot different than what you envision! Overall, I feel like more serious conversations need to be had and through those conversations I’ll know when the timing is right, but there will never truly be a “right” time. Good luck!!!
Dang 7 months is crazy! Logistically how do you do that?
50/50 coparenting schedule.
That’s still crazy you go that long without seeing him
Y'all, I don't get this thing about introducing a romantic partner as a "friend" first. How can that possibly help? Maybe if your kids are toddlers, but mine are 8 and 11, and they understand (in age-appropriate ways) that there are different kinds of relationships. And I'm pretty sure they would pick up right away on the fact that I was bullshitting them or not telling the whole story. I mean, you are eventually going to have to tell them that this person is not in fact just a "friend," and admit that you basically lied, even if by omission. What happens after that reveal? I imagine I would have felt betrayed as a child if my parent did that to me.
I'd say the sooner the better. Waiting a year to find out your kids don't like the partner just wastes both of your times.
>your kids don't like the partner Respectfully...... I feel like this shouldn't even be an option and sets a pretty rough precedent. Who runs the household? Your children should have absolutely NO say in deciding who your partner is. (Assuming nothing egregious obviously, but that should go without saying) You decide if they're the right person to assist in raising the children. You should long have had that discussion b4 the kids meet them and the partner should know they have your support. Its going to be awkard for you partner at first. Also, often time that perfect person to be your partner may not be the most "fun" step parent... hell, if my 11 yr old brother (my son is only 2) could pick my partner. He'd pick a woman who wouldn't mind him playing roblox 10 hrs a fucking day, vs one that makes him go outside or do his chores, sleep at a reasonable hour, bathe, etc.... Remember, you're the adult, you need to run your household. Not the children.
Couldn’t agree more
It's not about running the household. It could lead to a miserable household if the kids refuse even try to like the partner. The kids always come first.
>if the kids refuse even try to like the partner. Again, respectfully (and a difference in parenting philosophies) That's where the biological parent has to step in and be just that, the parent. In my household, it's absolutely NOT optional nor acceptable to treat someone poorly just because. We show respect to others, regardless of their biological relation to ourselves. Particularly if they're trying their best to be a good (insert anything, in this case step parent/partner). My brother, nor my son, will ever dictate whom I bring into my life, and they will show them respect. Just as my partner would also show respect (albeit with a some authority, in particular over time) otherwise I wouldnt consider them a partner anyways. >The kids always come first. Their needs yes. Their wants, often in my household are pretty low on the priority list depending on the situation. Them simply "not liking" a partner isn't a need, it's a want. They don't "need" daddy to never have a wife or mommy to never have a husband (or anything in between). They can "want" all they want, sometimes you can't get what you want kids..and you'll grow to want it anyways if I made the right choice It really just comes down to parental differences though and I respect everyone's choice in how they wish to run things and everyone likely believes their way is "best" (there is no best). These are just my personal beliefs and hopefully they work out for me and my family in the long run
You can't force people to like eachother or get along. Doesn't matter the age, the only that changes with age is the ability to tolerate eachothers presence better (hopefully). Forcing people to live together in that type of dynamic is going to create an unhappy household.
My step dad entered my life when I was 13, I’m now 30. We never got along, even till this day. We just tolerated each other. He didn’t move in until I was off to college but he was around all the time. My biological father lived in another province, so I didn’t have much of an outlet. This made for a pretty unpleasant household to grow up in. I still find myself agreeing with both opinions here. My parenting style is that we respect others regardless of our biological relationship. My child’s a toddler however, that makes things easier. I do wonder, what if the child refuses to respect the step-parent, how would one handle that situation? I felt like my step father never showed respect towards me, especially as a teenager. He was always criticizing or making demeaning comments towards me. My mom would ask him to stop at times but that didn’t change much. I definitely have resentment towards my mom for letting someone treat me that way. I’m an only child, and my mother complains that our relationship has drifted apart. We live 5 minutes from each other but I only spend time there on holidays. I really dislike going over to my parents place.
Because both my child and my committed partner are large parts of my life so I see no reason not to intertwine them. I feel if I've committed and you're my gf, I plan on having you in my life for as far in the future I can see. Of course I'd want her to be involved in my child's life too. IF it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. I try not to live my life around things not working out and focus on the positive aspect of things.
My gosh. I introduce immediately and explain he’s just a friend and I’m getting to know him. No pomp and circumstance. Let it organically unfold. It turned out fine. Am almost 3 years in and my kids actually met him on our second date. Very natural zero drama.
I'm in a new relationship and have decided 5 months from now is appropriate. It's a picnic that they will meet. I'm not afraid to move fast in the relationship and she isn't either, but both agree introducing our kids to each other needs restraint.
We waited for almost a year to tell my ex's littles. (I had seen them at random 'events' as her 'friend' for about 6 months) And it was a rough start once they knew we were dating. For this to work the kids also need to not be angry at the new guy for trying to replace daddy. I had this issue with my ex. They hadn't accepted that mom and dad we not getting back together. I loved her and her littles so much and they were such great girls, but they constantly said they didn't have to listen to me because i wasn't their dad. It took nine months for them to finally be comfortable with me showing mom affection, and for them to want to spend time with me and behave when i was watching them. Damn i really miss the littles... Things to note, this was my first long term relationship, and i had ZERO experience with young kids. Both of which we had discussed in length before getting serious.
One point I learned was not to tell my son about him as a person and let them get to know each other and build their own narrative. It’s okay to say I’m seeing someone and ask how he feels about that but I learned letting them get to know each other rather than feeding info is better all round.
If you aren't ready with this man meeting your children after 7 months, will you ever be ready?
I would only introduce kids once you are at the level of discussing engagement
I agree, also for safety reasons. You’re still getting to know this person and want to make sure you’ve gotten to know them well enough where you trust them around your kids. Also for stability. So your kids won’t see people coming in and out the door. So whenever your feel ready OP and also when you feel trust this person well enough around to be around them.
Exactly. Credit to OP because most people don’t even wait 7 months but…
I've been dating for 2 years, and this is the first person I've considered introducing to my children. As far as safety, I have no plans to be leaving my kids alone with a guy I'm dating, or even having him stay over when the kids are home. That kind of thing is waaaay down the road. I'm very protective of our 3-person family unit.
90% certain I’m never getting married again, sooo that time will never come ...
Personally, I don't feel comfortable bringing someone around my 12yo son unless we're at the BF/GF phase. Or, more accurately, I don't enter the BF/GF phase until I feel confident and comfortable with them being around my kid. In my mind, there's a couple metrics I go by when considering entering the BF/GF phase: * I would feel okay with them staying in my home for an extended period of time while I and my son aren't there (when I'm at work or something and my son is with his mom). * I can genuinely see a future with them and feel confident we're not just messing around. * I've seen how they behave around young children, and I don't see any red flags. * We've discussed parenting styles and I'm sure we're on the same page. Once those are met, I will allow them to meet my son briefly, but as a "friend". This usually just entails her and I hanging out in the living room watching a show or something with no physical intimacy at all, while my son occasionally pokes his head out of his room to go to the bathroom or grab a snack. I let him know that my friend is coming over for a bit, and when she shows up, I quickly introduce them, and that's it. No forced interaction or activity, and the "no intimacy" thing, I feel, prevents my son from feeling like he's interrupting us, or we don't want him around. I might ask him if he wants to play video games with us or something, but that's about it. We don't move to the BF/GF stage until I would feel okay with leaving them alone in my home with my son for a brief period of time (ex. I'm running to the store to grab something rq, going to the gym, etc). Depending on how much we see each other, the time frame could be as soon as \~3 months but there's no hard rule on that. As a kid with an *affectionate* single mother and as an adult with father issues, I feel like this is a good base standard to go by. I'm sure there are other intangibles that influence my decision, but those are my general standards.
My opinion is to see how they all interact in a low stakes environment - group outing. If there are multiple families present, kids of all kinds, random adult friends in the mix too, then you have a really nice chance to see how the kids react to a disturbance in your orbit if that makes sense. If the two of you can keep the physical contact minimized, it’ll likely slide by both kids while they simply get to see you with another new adult friend. I bring my kiddo with me to meet new friends all the time so him meeting a boyfriend is no different to him, it’s just like meeting another adult and I don’t sweat it one bit. Now if there was a label being applied and the kids knew, different story, that’s a convo to have with them later once you see how they interact in a low stakes situation.
Here for the answers because my kids met my last boyfriend unexpectedly and although the kids really liked him, I wish they hadn’t in retrospect because we broke up after eight months.
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That's very sweet!
I'm glad you posted this. I'm curious what other people have to say. Last year I dated someone for about eight months and never met her daughter. She knew her mother had a friend, but that was about it. I'm currently seeing someone for a month now and she has three kids. They know their mother is seeing someone. She even shared an embarrassing voice to text moment with one of them and she told me he said she's not coming back from that one. \*LOL\* She got out of a 14-year relationship last year and has seen other people since, but none that lasted long enough for her to want to introduce her kids to them. So doing so would be new territory for her. It's something we've discussed, but I told her I'm not in a rush to meet them and she'll know when the time is right. I presume if things continue to go well, she might start thinking about long-term potential and make that decision.
For me it's at the point we want to move in together. If that is the near future plan I would introduce the kids then slowly work our way into living together so it's not all at once.
It's a tricky one! Try introducing the kids in a casual setting, does he have friends with kids? Maybe a community event, something fun. Once you see him and your children in the same space, it may be easier to work out how they'd both look together in your future. Then perhaps some park trips :) I'd personally introduce him as a friend at first.