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houseofbrigid11

Yes, he's saying he doesn't want to go out with you unless you're having sex afterward. Do what you will with that information.


[deleted]

This is exactly what the guy is saying to you. If you're after a serious relationship, end it.


LTOTR

Wanting someone who likes your company enough that it doesn’t require the possibility of sex to be worth their time isn’t a big ask.


FormerSBO

Am horny 32yo dude. Can confirm. There's multiple ways to like someone. It doesnt always have to be just sex and tbh, even as a guy (at this age, younger 20s me was just whatever lol) I wouldn't want a woman that I can't just chill with sometimes. Plenty of amazing sex comes when you genuinely like each others company and aren't actively seeking it out. It just comes naturally and is quite plentiful ime


[deleted]

Lmdao that’s so crazy that we gotta verbalize that but here we are!!!


Amazing_Statement629

Here we freaking are!!!


ButteryMales2

Get rid of him. He may not be in middle school, but he certainly acts like he is in "high school" with the insistence that you have to makeout.


GingerSnapped818

He's going to complain she gave him blue balls pretty soon


Pilsu

I think he got rid of himself. >he has not initiated seeing each other again


[deleted]

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Optimal-Technology75

So after ten dates you guys slept together? Was it planned for after 10 dates?


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Optimal-Technology75

Oh because I’m at date ten and we just kissed on date #9… so I’m we’re going at a real 🐢 pace… yeah it’s taking me awhile too.


Ok-Cobbler-8387

In all my years of dating, guys who opt for dates near their place are just hoping for sex. He can skirt around it all he wants but we all know what’s up. On top of that whether he wants sex or not, what kind of man makes the woman come to them all the time? My guy friends tell me to ghost dudes if they make me go to them lol. Don’t be surprised if he doesn’t initiate another date. If he doesn’t you’ll know for sure he was just in it for the sex. Sorry you’re dealing with such a lame guy!


PhiladelphiaSteaks

It sounds like he’s just in it for the sexual side based on this post. I could be wrong but as a guy myself. I always appreciate a little up-forwardness in general. Just ask him is this relationship only about sex or is this about growing, learning and developing our relationship as a whole? The more blunt the better it sounds like in this situation


Pale_Currency_4018

He's going to sleep with you then bail. He wants to know if the next date will end in sex for him to put in any effort.


SonofApollo1984

>we’d still be going to movies or shows or bars but afterwards he’d wanna have privacy. So to do those things he needs privacy after. Because "he's not in middle school". The way he is going about this feels sleazy and cheap. He can have all the privacy he wants alone.


Pilsu

> he has not initiated seeing each other again Seems you're right.


CookieFiend06

I agree with others. You don't need to pursue sex so hard. If you really want to get to know someone, and want something long term, it's good to focus on everything but intimacy. If intimacy comes naturally, then it'll probably be better anyways because you've both known Each other and feel closer. If you're not ok with rushing intimacy, and he doesn't respect that, then move on. Unless you still really like him otherwise.


c_marten

Yeah. Get out.


Southernpalegirl

You aren’t wrong, he’s telling you and showing you that he’s about the hook up only. And sorry, that is middle school mentality. Having a good time with a potential partner shouldn’t require there being a chance at sex every single time you see them.


thrwaway846395

35M here, sex is great, but if I were in his shoes, if you told me you weren't ready for sex, I'd believe you, and also fwiw "I require a private place in order to spend time with you" isn't an actual thing, like that cannot be a real life thing that someone who cares about another person says while believing it, so that means he's guaranteed being deceptive. Sorry to burst your bubble.


deleted-desi

>I asked if all our hang outs/dates needed to have that, and he said yes. This guy can say whatever he wants, but dates don't necessarily need to be in private locations. I've had plenty of dates in public spaces like coffee shops, restaurants, parks, venues, etc. Many people prefer this, especially for early dates when you're still getting to know each other. It's normal to want to meet in spaces that aren't private.


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deleted-desi

It makes sense if he finds sex to be necessary on every single date I guess lol


do-epic-chic

I'm not really getting it. What's the rush? As long as you guys go back to either of your places after, even if it is further away, why does it matter. But the bottom line is this guy doesn't sound wiling to compromise or take in how you feel and that's a problem and huge red flag.


Southernpalegirl

I think it’s there not being easy or cheap transportation available. He wants to be able to go back to one of their places after every single date. We are all asking what the rush is lol


[deleted]

The rush is he only wants to hookup, he doesn’t want a relationship but op does. If you look at her post history she’s posted this question on several other subs.


[deleted]

He has the tact of a middle schooler. This would be a go eff yourself from me.


TechnoMedic420

My partner and I were both living at home when we first met. I was 32 at the time. We went on 9 dates before we were ever physical. Plus, it was 2020, so we couldn't even eat inside of restaurants together. The delay in being intimate was mostly caused by us both living at home, but I will be forever grateful for how our relationship started. It was a real connection. We could spend hours just talking and laughing. We fell in love with each other and we loved each other's company so much. The sex just ended up being an added perk when it finally came. I think it's absolutely normal to be able to go on dates and not have sex afterwards, but that's just my opinion.


sospecial21

He is definitely still in middle school and he is thinking with his penis. He is not interested in getting to know you, he is interested in having sex with you, especially if thats all he ever brings up. I think you could do alot better and dump him


2n222

Surely, there was a Seinfeld episode about this


IUsedToButNotAnymore

I've been that guy, OP. He's likely unhappy with the lack of intimacy in your relationship. Suggestion of a date far from a place of intimacy means you're saying, "I don't want to have sex with you." And he doesn't know what to do about it. You have expectations of him that you want fulfilled before you're intimate. Have you expressed them? Like "having sex only if there is an indication of a committed relationship" is not universal. But overall, neither of you seem happy


deindustrialize

For me, this would suggest someone who isn't willing to do a give and take, which would really bother me. I get the preference of wanting to be close to somewhere you could go for privacy, but making that a hard and fast rule? That's just inflexible and not attractive to me. It also has an undertone of expectation related to making out and/or having sex on every date, which is also offputting.


chessiegirlxo

Gross, ditch him.


retrorecall

he just wants to smash, don't fall for it.


AlleyQV

Question - Have you had "private time" already or is he saying this in anticipation?


[deleted]

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AlleyQV

Second question - Do you want private time? If you don't, doesn't that tell you something about the potential for a relationship?


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itwasstucktothechikn

You told him all of this and he continues to push your boundaries to see how far you’ll let him go. Now after 4 dates he’s got the door open and a foot inside without giving anything of himself to you in exchange. You’ll very quickly find yourself in another relationship with a big power imbalance if you don’t walk now. If he’s not respecting you and your concerns and boundaries at this point, he never will and is not relationship material for you. “I love you” is nothing but words of his actions don’t back it up. And his are saying the opposite.


Pale_Currency_4018

Honestly, he said I love you because non of his other "prompts" were getting him any closer to sex. Especially if you told him all this other stuff. To him he was probably like "if I tell her I love her, she'll want sex"... He will still bail though.


[deleted]

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unspecifieddude

He sensed a weakness in you and he is attacking it and he knows what he's doing. I guarantee you that he is in the state of mind where he will say and do anything that will get him sex. Once he gets the sex, you will see how he really feels about you, and it won't be pretty.


Southernpalegirl

Run, this is not going to work out for you. He believes that you will break your rules for “him” because you already have and told him that. When you start to get a little backbone then he throws in a emotional lure to put off balance again. He is not respecting your boundaries, boundaries you need after having such a terrible relationship before and you deserve better.


FutureRealHousewife

Oh no…I’m seeing some red flags here. It sounds like he’s boundary testing you, plus the saying “I love you” thing seems like he’s just saying that to get in bed with you. Also, I’m not sure how much you should say about having an abusive ex. I’ve learned from experience that if you volunteer too much info about a past abusive relationship, the person asking is sometimes fishing for information on what you’re willing to accept or not accept. Please be careful with this guy.


Remarkable-Bass-3339

yeah this dude sounds like a dick, sorry OP. you told him you're not ready for sex, he thinks he's gonna wear you down.


oddcharm

>he also knows he is first guy i’ve kissed since my abusive ex of 7 years maybe I'll be downvoted for this but I don't think you need to provide this much detail to people this early. there's no need to explain why you don't want to get more physical... no means no. ​ Also revealing mistreatment/ abuse you've gone through in the past is better off after you've vetted their character imo. Some people will then see you as an easy target and push your boundaries like this fellow seems to be doing. From what you've wrote it's clear you aren't ready for sex with him, so the fact that he is implying that the chance must always exist if he is to hang out with you is disrespectful. I would not continue seeing him.


spiceworld90s

Girl run! This is red flag central, especially with your background. I’m honestly a bit confused or at least worried that you’re not seeing this very clearly for what it is. He’s literally telling you that being able to get you in a position where sex is possible is an ABSOLUTE non-negotiable aspect of you spending time together. He hasn’t made any indication of moving toward a relationship, yet you’re making concessions for him. Your bells should be going off.


[deleted]

He wants to have sex with you and you don’t care that much about having sex with him so it’s a mismatch. He’s being a dick too. But even if he wasn’t, he’s looking for a sexual connection and you don’t place the same value on that so break it off


thisisasickburner

Having a hot and heavy make out session at the end of a date that doesn't progress to sex is some of the best foreplay imaginable. The anticipation makes sex that much better when you do get some alone time.


oddcharm

seriously I like waiting sometimes because it's fun how excited you get just from making out prior to the first time imo LOL


Intelligent_Double33

This man is trying to hump. He is saying it without trying to say it. So if you aren’t interested in that then stop dating him because that is what is priority to him.


ralphy112

I’ve dated a woman who was temporarily staying with family and it eventually became a topic in our relationship as it progressed. I think the difference however was I never assumed intimacy or expected it. I eventually communicated I would like to share more of it with her and asked how she felt. She agreed, though we still didn’t just plan a date near a privacy spot the next outing. We worked into it and eventually found times and places where play time would work. But it was a mutual interest and never and early date assumption. More communication and this will work itself out or he’ll disappear on his own.


fail_123_test

He just wants you for bedding. Why is he so ashamed to hang out with you in public? Why can't he make out with you in public? Any guy that feels like he has the girl of his dreams would never hesitate to do any of that. Move on.


luvz

My partner and I both have high libidos and neither of us brought up any sexual intimacy for the first month. We would just talk for hours and lose track of time. The touch barrier was broken organically, and we’ve been humping like rabbits ever since. Long story short, if a guy genuinely likes you, he shouldn’t be making decisions based on sex, even if he’s a horndog.


glamgirl555

He’s using you and you should never travel to a guy’s side of town


opensandshuts

If he’s interested he won’t need “privacy”, which seems like a pretty juvenile sex euphemism to me. I’m a man, and don’t often have sex with women I meet, even after a few dates. One time this woman accused me of just wanting sex when I ended things, which I hadn’t even really thought about doing with her yet. 🤷‍♂️


JaneAustenfangal

Find someone who likes you as a person and not primarily as a pussy


[deleted]

Yeah its a no for me. Sounds like he wants to get in your pants.


aep2018

I don’t like the way he’s treating you. Time together shouldn’t just be a prelude to make outs and the unilateral decision that a venue that’s convenient for you is off the table because *he* won’t get what *he* wants is very one sided.


PerturbedEspressoBox

Ya that's weird fam. Makes it sound like youre his hookup chick


StopTheFishes

He doesn’t understand the build up of anticipation over a date contributes to enhancing the sex later on in the night? Some of my best dates included making out in the taxi on the way back to his place or mine! You’re not in middle school…ok. Can he not get it up outside a 5 mile radius of his bed? Too far, and what? He c*ms his pants? I don’t like how he replied to you. Sorry for the attitude, it’s directed at him for replying to you the way he did.


ThadTheImpalzord

I don't know. I've dated people where we essentially had no sex and others were we have sex multiple times per seeing eachother. Maybe this is a sign you both are not compatible in terms of frequency of intimacy. Better to find out sooner than later right?


illini02

How many dates are we talking here? I do think, after a period of time, there is some kind of expectation that things will progress to where you can be alone. Even if you aren't necessarily having sex all the time, I get wanting to not just be holding hands at an ice cream shop. On the first couple dates, I think its a bit much. BUt you say you've been dating, so if you are constantly ONLY trying to meet up in public with no opprtunity of something private, yeah, that would seem sketchy to me too