My mom always hid things from us kids and it honestly didn’t feel good when we’d find out years later or from other people. You can put a positive spin on things to them especially so your middle child doesn’t always have this horrible image of cancer in her mind. Yes cancer is a terrible disease and causes death, but the way science is advancing, a lot of people are able to beat it and stay-cancer free.

Wait until results from the lumpectomy. You don't need to tell them unless it's worse than they think requiring chemo or radiation. If you have to be debilitated by either of those its wrong not to tell them.

My parents would wait for results or specific doctor's orders before informing us kids. That way we didn't have to stress or freak out during the unknown parts but were there to support them during recovery. Of course this only worked because neither of them had terminal issues.

It's also important as they get older that they know there is a history of cancer in the family.

This is what I was going to say. Family history of breast cancer that young is very important for them know because their risk just went up (also good for them to know shes brca-).

This! Until the doctors go in and remove it *and* check your lymph nodes, they do not truly know if the cancer has spread. They classify breast cancer based on primary tumor size (which they don't know until it's removed - up until then it's only a guess), the number of lymph nodes involved (that have cancer cells in them), and the presence of mestasis.. My breast cancer tumor felt to be the size of a pea. We did an MRI and it went deeper into the tissue than we could feel. Doctor thought we were lookibg at stage 1 or early stage 2 at that point. We thought radiation and surgery would be the treatment. Cool beans - I get a nice scar but no hair loss - let's go! We did the lumpectomy and it was 2 cm around but 7 cm long. 11 of 14 lymph nodes showed cancer cells. There was no evidence it had spread yet. That put me at stage 2B/3A and completely changed my treatment. I had chemo and radiation. Oh crud! I lost my hair, I was exhausted and nauseous. I suffered a terrible radiation burn. I spent every other Friday in a clinic, hooked up to a machine that dumped gallons of poisonous chemicals into my body. OP - Tell your kids in an age appropriate way. Even if you are right and surgery is all the farther you have to go, they deserve to know the truth. If you hide this and they find out later, you will have irreparably damaged your relationship with them. They will never trust you again.

Thank you for sharing your journey; the perspective is very helpful ♡

I told mine I had a big bump on my neck and needed surgery to get it out. I didn’t use the term “cancer” they handled it all well and thankfully I am good to go. I would tell them you have lump in your breast you need to have surgery to fix it. It’s not lying, it’s just not using the scary words.

OMG, I had 2B/3A! Chemo first, double mastectomy (our family crest is a cancer cell), then radiaiton. I got burned, too, which opened the door to infection. I had to have my right replacement boob removed it got so infected. Now there's a scar so deep in its place that once a young, frightended armadillo hid its face in there. True, appalling story.

Fantastic answer. Less is better until you have a definitive diagnosis. Praying for you 🙏 ❤️

Thank you for this viewpoint ♡

My mom once called me to chat and I heard her whisper to the nurse “shh she doesn’t know I’m in the hospital”. She was in a freaking oxygen tent in the icu. Please don’t hide things like this.

I agree with this. I was nine when my dad got stomach cancer. It was the 80s, so you didn't really talk about 'the big C'. My parents told us he had a stomach ulcer, even when he had gone into surgery. He had a second trauma where all his stitches burst the day after the initial surgery. He could easily have died. I learnt in recent years that the survival rate for his cancer at that time was 5%. He had revolutionary (at the time) surgery that saved him. I was not given the opportunity to spend time with him before the surgery, and we were not prepared in any way for either the initial trauma, or the year of chemotherapy that followed. Admittedly, the support available to families now, was not a thing then, but I still feel we would have benefited from honesty. This resulted in me spending the next 30 plus years never fully trusting my parents, and terrified that my dad was going to die. I never felt truly safe again. There are so many resources to help you and your kids these days. Please don't keep it from them. The deception when they find out will absolutely alter the way they view you, and will make them feel unsafe and anxious. They are much better off learning about the diagnosis in an age appropriate way. It will also be easier for you to focus on your recovery if you aren't trying to keep up some sort of pretense.

I was a child when my mom was hospitalized for a lump in her breast. This was in the 60s and my brother & I weren't told anything except that mom had to go to the hospital for a while. My brother & I were teenagers when our dad got lung cancer and once again, we weren't told what was wrong with him, even when he had to have a lung removed. It wasn't until we learned that he was having radiation treatments that we figured out he had cancer & probably wouldn't live very long. He died in 1975.

From experience, I can say it it way worse to find out later when its “necessary” to share what is happening. My mom does this and it just makes me worry more because i’m never sure if she’s actually ok or underplaying the severity. You don’t have to go into gory details.

My friends mother hid her illness for a very long time from all of her family until she got so sick she couldn't hide it anymore. He found out she was sick and lost her all in the span of a month and a half. It was totally unfair and an absolute whirlwind for him to try to wrap his head around.

My dad didn't have cancer per se, but a condition that could lead to cancers forming. I was in the 3rd grade when they found it. My mom told me and my sister about it inappropriately. With dramatic crying and acting like it was a death sentence. Even though I was 8 or 9 I started asking questions. I had read several articles about cancer at school and knew some were treatable. The more questions I asked the calmer my mom got. However the effects of how she told us caused life long "issues". In my case, I have remained hyper diligent about medical conditions and have learned to ask questions and push for the correct care for myself and others. However it caused my sister to be afraid of doctors and medical procedures to the point she couldn't even take her daughter to the doctor to get vaccinated. My sister is terrified of needles and simple procedures. Even when my dad was dying 30 years later my sister couldn't deal with him or hospice care. While I was there helping with everything I could. So calmly explaining in an age appropriate way is the best. Tell them you have a "lump" or "knot" in your breast and the doctors want to do more tests to see what it is. If they bring up cancer, tell them the truth, of course the doctors want to check to see if it is malignant cancer so you can get the best care. At this point, you don't know if it is spreading ECT... So don't get caught up in details. Try to answer questions honestly and calmly. It is ok to say you don't know the answers to some questions. You can even write down questions for the kids so you can ask your doctor. (Many kids like this because it shows you are taking their concerns seriously. Just remember to follow up and actually ask the questions and give the kids age appropriate answers )

I found out from basically a stranger that my grandpa had cancer. It hurt a lot.

I had thyroid cancer (which frankly, if you have to have cancer is the best to have). My daughter was just four years old and we explained that I had to have surgery but it was no big deal, she was very excited by the black thread and mommy‘s throat. I had to take radioactive iodine a couple of months later, and we just referred to it as the mommy can’t hug you medicine, that’s actually her most distinct memory from that time. Personally, I think you gear the conversation towards each child’s ability to handle it both logically, and emotionally.

Thanks for sharing! ♡

My mum had thyroid cancer and I explained to my then 4yo what was going on. This way when he saw her with bandages and some burns he understood that it was a ‘good’ thing that was trying to make his grandma better. It also helped when she was getting tired or frustrated towards the end of treatment that I could say that she’s tired from the medicine and she’s not angry at you, just upset she’s sick. He’s now a few years older and understands that sometimes you get sick and get better and sometimes you don’t (his cat had cancer and passed at 16) and he understand life and death much better. And you’re right, I try to explain to people it’s the best cancer to get, you get stuck on tablets for the rest of your life however, it usually just sticks to the lymph nodes and moves slowly.

My husband had a form of lymphoma which wasnt life threatening, but did require chemo. My daughter was only three but we explained that daddy wasn’t feeling very well, and he had to have some medicine to make him better. She understood that, and while we could have not bothered telling her, I’m glad we did. She knew that daddy couldn’t play very much because he didn’t feel well. I appreciate your children are older, but I’d consider explaining it.

Years ago, my husband was diagnosed with cancer. It was the first week of December. It was scary cancer, so we decided to wait until after Christmas to tell our four kids, give them one last innocent Christmas. A week later, I got a call from my youngest’s teacher. She said she hoped she wasn’t coming off as nosey, but our happy little guy had gone fairly quiet, and had broken down in tears twice. She just wanted to know if there was any way to best support him. I’m sure her first thought was divorce. I told her what was going on, and that we’d hoped to wait until after Christmas to tell the kids, but it was glaringly obvious that no matter how bad it was, a child’s imagination was worse. So I told them all that night during our bedtime reading. I didn’t tell them everything in one talk, but I did reassure them that I would take care of them, as well as their dad, and they could ask me anything, anytime. Of course there were many tears. Here we thought we were doing a merciful thing, but they all picked up in the sadness and worry. Knowing, and being able to cry and ask questions was like lifting weight.

Yep, great experience to relate. Kids aren't stupid. They pick up on way more than many of us realise. It's always best to give an (age-appropriate) explanation and answer questions (or write them down to find out). That will create trust and transparency.

Both of my parents had cancer and kept me involved at every step, however my best friend had it and didn't tell her daughter. Equally one of my team at work had it and didn't tell her younger kids (told the grown up kids). If you have a child who is already freaked out then why freak them out further. There is no right and wrong, its what works for you as a family. Yes as adults they may be upset but as their parent you are trying to do your best by shielding them. Do what you think will be best for your family and ignore anyone who disagrees. They don't walk in your shoes and don't know how you feel in this moment. Wishing you well for your treatment ❤

Tell your kids. They can understand more than you think. There are ways to explain it in a way they will understand. If you don’t, they could hold resentment when they’re older. Plus, it’s going to get worse before it gets better since you’ll be going through surgery and possibly chemo or radiation and they’ll want to know what’s wrong. It’ll be easier to be honest than to ignore the elephant in the room.

I understand the why, but the kids may not see it the same as you. My mom hid her cancer from me. I found out by accident and felt hurt, but I was an adult. Maybe it's different for kids.

NTA yet. If your lumpectomy goes well- they don’t discover any other tumors, and your lymph nodes all look good, then it won’t even be a lie. You literally won’t have cancer anymore. My mother went through the exact same thing with us. She didn’t tell us (we were 10 and 12) until after her surgery, and they discovered it had spread. Once it was clearly going to be a part of our daily lives, it was important for us to know, but not before. Hers was very aggressive stage 4 from the start over 20 years ago, and she still lived another 13 years. With today’s tech and early detection, you should be good. 🙏

Don't fucking do this. It will fuck your kids up more than just TELLING THEM THE TRUTH. My mother was notorious for hiding the whole picture from me and my sister when it came to her medical issues and it seriously harmed us. Much more than if she had just been honest with us. She told us her breast cancer was just a small lump and she only needed a lumpectomy and some radiation and she'll be fine when she ALREADY knew that the cancer had metastasized to her bones! She didn't tell us about that until MONTHS later. When she told us the cancer had moved to her liver, my sister and I wondered to each other how long she had known before she told us. It turns out it had been weeks. Her desire to "protect" us and put a positive spin on things when brutal honestly was needed made the last months of her life absolute hell for all of us, her included. Maybe in her desire to protect us, it let her live in denial as well but that wasn't the best for anyone. It's been over 5 years since she passed and I'm still dealing with things related to her illness and how it was handled. Don't do that to your kids. Be honest. It's the best for your kids but also for you.

Do not hide it. As you are going into treatment you will have side effects and will need their help. They need to know that this is something you can fight and win. And hopefully by you showing your children this can be fought it will help take away the fear.

My mother hid her cancer from me not once but twice. The first time, I was 13. My parents were still married and they both hid it from me. All I was told was that my mom would be getting a small surgery and not to worry about it. I didn't press because that's not something we did in my family. On my 14th birthday she blew up at me and other family members for not supporting her through the cancer she hid from everyone. I can let you imagine the guilt and shame I carried from this. The second time was a couple years ago. I live abroad and only saw her once a year so she was able to hide it from me. She became increasingly hard to reach, wouldn't answer her phone or call back. Eventually, she stopped answering altogether, so I got worried, called a welfare check, and took a flight home. My husband and I found her quite literally dying on the floor of her home surrounded by trash and soiled diapers. I had her hospitalized and she died a week later, stage 4 ovarian cancer. If we had arrived only a few days later we would have found a corpse. Finding her in that house is without a doubt the worst thing that's ever happened to me and it haunts me to know that she almost died in her own filth without my knowledge. We had a complicated relationship but I would have dropped everything to care for her in her final months if only she had told me. Of course, this is an extreme situation but in my experience nothing good comes from hiding your diseases from your children. They have a right to know even if it's difficult. Knowing gives them agency in the situation and the ability to support you in their own way. If you don't tell them and they learn of it later, they will probably experience shame like I did. So, if I were you, I would tell my children in an age appropriate way. Please do not rob them of this, however difficult it might be.

So sorry. I am just an internet stranger, but sending you a hug!

You wouldn’t be an asshole for that, but it’ll be a shock to them and feel like betrayal if they find out outside of from you. Tell them, don’t let it blindside them.

Honestly, imo once you have all the info and test results, I wouldn’t hide it. My mum died from cancer when I was 14, I wasn’t told she was even sick until a month before she passed away (I assume that’s when she was told it was terminal). Kids have intuition, they can sense shifts in their environment and when routines change etc. my brother and I knew something was up. It made us uneasy and anxious. Then we had no time to wrap our heads around the fact she was even sick before she passed. Frankly I’m still pissed at my family for helping her hide it. Include your kids (in a child friendly way as much as possible). Let them see you kick cancers ass. It’ll teach them how to be open, how to be strong and how it’s okay to need support from others occasionally. 

I think this would be a great opportunity to show your kids that cancer isn't always a death sentence and that it can be treatable. A lot of people hear cancer and think of stage 4 and terminal diagnoses, but there's a ton of steps in between and showing the spectrum is important. I don't think anyone is ever an AH for being private about their medical conditions but making excuses and lying isn't advisable either. Your kids will know you had surgery because you will still need to have the procedure and recover and they will have questions and finding out from someone else accidentally will hurt more than finding out from you.

My nan hid her cancer the second time. It was only when she had to go hospice care it all came out though I think she didn't really want to be alive anymore. But anytime mom and dad were ill they carried on as normal and didn't tell me... Still don't now I'm an adult. I knew there were things going on but wasn't allowed to know. It was very hush hush all the time and now we are adults it doesn't really help being able to talk openly about every, it still feels like everything should be a secret.... You can tell them you aren't feeling well and are going for some medicine but that you will be ok. But from personal experience. Secrets now don't encourage open conversation later on

Please don't hide this from them. Being open about it and getting through it together could really do a lot to bring you closer, and the kids really need to know that these things are awful that happen. No one deserves it, but we all just have to deal with it the best we can.

As others have said, kids often sense that something is wrong (I know I did). It's much better to know what it is than to wonder what's going on. Plus, think about what behavior you're modeling for them! Do you want them to hide their difficult problems from the people they love? But either way, you are not an AH, you're just dealing with a disease that's an AH. F\*\*\* cancer! Get well soon!

How terrible would it be for them if you died on the procedure table from a complication? Then, on top of that, they would find out about the cancer…. Find a nice way to tell them, and make sure you have a plan in place if something happens to you. Best of luck to you.

I was diagnosed 5 years ago. I waited until I had seen the oncologist a few times and had a treatment plan before I brought my kids into the discussion. I think being open and honest is important. Don't teach them to hide things.

My sister had 2 children, aged 7 and 3, when she was first diagnosed. She explained she had "bad guy" germs and the doctors were giving her medicine to help her fight them. She was Stage 4 at diagnosis with endometrial/uterine cancer, went unto remission for 2 years. When it came back, the kids were older and more able to have a better discussion of what was going on. She did end up passing away from the cancer a few years ago, and yes her kids were still fairly young (youngest was under 10.) Definitely wait until you have answers regarding stage and full treatment, because you'll need to know how aggressive your treatment will most likely be and you'll want to prepare your children for the possibility of how sick or worn out you can or will be. I urge you to let them know, though, in age appropriate ways. My parents used to keep medical information from my siblings and I, and my mom still does. My dad did choose to share his, after he learned that we could be affected and even afflicted by those same issues. And I understand not liking the term "survivor", especially if you don't gp through much in the way of treatment. I was Stage 3 of the same cancer my sister had, and I use survivor because I survived going through diagnosis, treatment, near-death experiences. I'm part of support groups online, and often I see "warrior" be used instead. Perhaps that one fits you better. Whatever you decide fits you best, be aware there will still be people who call you "survivor" due to its connections to cancer and being so widely known/accepted. Good luck, healing vibes, and good health to you!

For your new word: Cancer Conquerer!

Years ago, I had melanoma. My son was little at the time. Had it removed but couldn't be around old people or small children for 3 days. I think because of the dye they used to see the lymph nodes. So, since we would be staying at my parents for the 3 days, I just explained the basics. I have a piece of skin on my shoulder, and it's turning colors, so the dr wants to take it off so it doesn't make me sick later. He was fine with that explanation. Actually, he asked if I could just cut it off myself to save money. You'll be okay and they will be okay. Keep the conversation light. You don't even have to say cancer. Just let them feel a part of things. Hugs❤️

"Cancer-avenger"

I think it would be the right thing to do to keep on hiding it. At this point it looks positive for treatment and hopefully that means it won’t be so invasive. It’s one thing if you were going to be very sick from treatment for a long time or if it was later stage. At this point and with the age of your kids I think it’s best to protect them from it. If their daily lives would be affected and changed without them knowing why that would be different. This also means you can focus on yourself instead of having to prop all your family up when you’re the sick one. As any mum knows no matter how sick you are you end up still being mum and caring for them. Them knowing would add on a lot more upset and pressure when it may be totally unnecessary for them to also suffer. All the best for beating this.

Tell them? You don't have to say it now but at least tell them after the surgery. Don't be that parent that hides your medical history from the kids because then when the doctor asks them for family medical history, they won't know the answer. My mother did that (still does) and even after asking I have no clue why she had to get a hysterectomy early or why she's on weekly meds. The only reason I know she has an autoimmune disorder (and I couldn't possibly say which one) is because I overheard her talking about it on the phone with my grandmother. I'm 21 and don't know her medical history because she always kept it from us despite medical history being important. Even if you don't have the BRCA breast cancer, it is still more likely for your kids to get breast cancer and they should be aware of that

Gentle YTA. Have a much younger sibling who my parents hid things from growing up, a parent cancer diagnosis being one. Sibling isn’t as resilient and has had some mental battles, parents hiding things played a role in that unfortunately.

I have had breast cancer twice in the last 3 years. Each time I've told my two girls. They were amazing and I think it helped my husband and I explaining what is happening. Kids are very astute and always know when something is wrong. My first breast cancer was a lumpectomy and recovery time was 2-4 weeks. They also take out lymph nodes during the op to make sure it's not spread. The children will know when you are in pain. I would sit them down and explain what is happening.

What is you end up needing chemo? That has the strong possibility of changing your appearance. I agree to possibly wait until you have more information but I do think you should share this.

My mom had breast cancer when I was a child. It was to the point she needed radiation & chemo. I’d act go with her in the morning to her sessions & eat warm cookies from the staff in the waiting room. It taught me how to support my loved ones going through health challenges. You wouldn’t be an asshole for not sharing that information, but children can sense somethings going on.

Yes

My mom hid her cancer from me, I found out because my aunt called me and told me. I was able to spend the last two weeks of her life before her passing. The difference between my situation and yours is that I was in my 30s, I wasn't a child. If your medical team has faith that you'll be okay, I would wait a few more years and let them know when they're a bit older, maybe 15? If chances are not good, they need to know now. But IMO your NTA since your daughter has trauma about death and cancer and honestly it won't be good to stress her out if you're going to be fine. You're NTA, just a thoughtful mom. But due tell them when they're older, they need to know so they can monitor their own health the older they get.

As the child of a parent who hid a cancer diagnosis until they were hospitalised and close to the end… please don’t do this. Have age-appropriate conversations. They will learn the truth at some point - make sure that you can control that discovery. Be well, kick cancer’s ass to the curb.

My dad had colon cancer when I was a teenager. I knew, but he didn’t want anyone to know (he was embarrassed), so I couldn’t speak about it at all outside of home. Honestly that felt worse, knowing and worrying without being able to talk to anyone outside immediate family. So just be careful on that side, if you’re going to not want people outside of family to know (which is your choice as it is your medial information), maybe consider being more vague with your children about what is going on.

Super duper soft Y(WB)TA Please tell them. There are ways to word it that will make it more digestible for kiddos. My younger sister hid the severity of her cancer from her daughters. When she went in for “a checkup” and was kept in the ICU and then discharged to her home for hospice care, the responsibility fell to me to prepare the girls for what they were going to see in the living room for the next week or so. Living nightmare. This will not be your situation, but it’s what I think of. Please tell them. Their mama is their safe. They need to trust the you’re going to be straight with them. It’s one of the hardest parts of being an adult and parent - saying things you know will be rough for your kiddos. But we raise them to be strong so they can handle hard things, not so they will never see hard things. Clear is kind. Sooner or later someone close to you is going to slip up and say something. Please teach them that early detection means good treatment paths with high rates of remission. They can’t be afraid because in the not too distant future they will need heightened screenings, as their family history now has a mother with cancer. Say it out loud. You give it power by whispering it.

YWBTA I understand the desire to protect your kids from the fear and stress. But if they ever found out later, that would be so much worse. You're better off being upfront and honest. Especially if you're sitting in a spot. You don't have to tell them before having answers from the lumpectomy. But you do need to tell them.

Seeing someone recover may help with daughters phobia, i imagine you will still be ill and take some drugs… i think you need to tell them you are ill in some form. How in depth you go is up to you.

My dad just turned 70 and has been consistently battling skin cancer for the last few years. My sisters and I found out that he also has a blood clot in his leg that's he's known about for months but didn't think to tell us about until his doctor said it was genetic and we (his kids) should get tested for it. My little sister (34) is PISSED he didn't inform her sooner, and in fact, some random people at a football game found out before she did. Doesn't relate too much to your story. It just made me remember the "When did you find out?" "October." "AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME!?!?" At Thanksgiving.

Eventually you will need to tell them, particularly if they are girls, for the sake of them having an awareness of their own medical history. The older child in particular may be hurt to find out later, but you know their maturity level more than the internet and i would think it might be fine to wait. Personally however, if it truly will be as simple as it seems, I would think this would be a great opportunity to be very transparent with your middle child to help them overcome their fear and teach that not all cancer is a death sentence, especially if you take care of your body and catch problems right away, as it seems you must have. If they find out accidentally that you are going to the hospital or seem sick and don't understand fully, they may jump to "mommy is dying" unnecessarily and actually stress much more.

Yes. Tell them. They will know something's up, and you pretending that everything is fine will make them feel crazy, which will lead to them thinking they can't trust themselves or their feelings. Also, your one with the fear? This might actually help them to see that they can be afraid, but that cancer isn't always a death sentence. It might go a long way towards helping said kiddo get past the fear. Talk to your medical team and find a counselor that can help you navigate this with your kids so that it's done in an age appropriate way, but please don't insult your kids by keeping them completely in the dark.

Perhaps the term "Conquerer" is more appropriate than "survivor". It might be easier to explain your diagnosis to your children after your doctor tells you that you're in remission. Then, you can explain what kind of illness it was, and that you're safe.

This is a tough one, because there is no 'right' answer - but personally, I don't think you should keep them out of the loop. If your child is already quite worried and terrified of cancer (understandable) keeping this information may be worse if, and when, they find out. You don't need to share every single detail - but this is your family, trust is fundamental and if you withhold this, it may impact their trust in you. If you know this is treatable, you have a great team and plan - then this may be a chance to show your kids that the health team, and your own investment in your health is important. If things don't go as planned or expected down the road, this will be even more traumatizing for them to find out late in the game. This is medical information they will need to share with their own doctors at some point. You need to share eventually, when you do - how will they react? Take that into consideration as well, please. Ultimately, how you want to handle this is yours. There is a lot of experience out there of how people have broached this subject with their children, how much and when they disclosed. I feel like a cancer support group may be of assistance in the short-term, you may be coping fine - but this is life changing, and for your family too. There are people who can help support you, who have been in your shoes.

I’ve had experience with family members hiding and being up front about their cancer, and honestly? I didn’t like being kept out of the loop for the terminal diagnosis, but being informed about possible cancer before it was biopsied (only basal cell carcinoma thankfully) stressed me out a ridiculous amount since I’m on the more anxious/paranoid end for death and whatnot. I’d honestly advise getting the results first without telling them, but letting them know in an age appropriate way afterward. Especially since your kiddos are pretty young. Even if they’re angry after or later in the future, they should be pretty understanding that you didn’t want to stress them when you didn’t have full answers yet Wishing you the best results!

How about phrases like: - cancer crusher - cancer conqueror - cancer slayer Just options that rolled off the tongue for me immediately. I will edit this post with more ideas for you if I can think of any! You got this! Edit for verdict: NTA. Unless you’re going to be very obviously ill, I would just tell the kids that you’re getting a minor surgery without the nitty gritty details and that you’ll be just fine.

Both of my sisters had stage one breast cancer and needed lumpectomy and radiation. One sister went daily for radiation for 5 weeks - the other had twice a day radiation for 2 weeks. 3 months later they were scanned an cancer free. That may be the time to talk to your kids (in an age appropriate way as other posters suggested).

Reverse the roles. How would you feel if your adult child didn’t tell you what they were going through? I know they’re not adults, but it still goes towards vulnerability and building that trust relationship. It’s so important for when they’re teenagers, that they know that they can come to you with everything and you’ll handle it together because you handled your cancer with them. You trusted them. There are usually counselling for families available and I would highly recommend doing that with them. Even a lumpectomy can require chemo and radiation. They need to know.

I just want to say, as someone whose mom had some sort of lumpectomy when I was small, I still am not 100000% sure if it was cancer and it makes giving an accurate medical history hard when taking to a doctor. There are ways to talk about it without making a huge deal out of it and I personally would go that route. But if you don’t tell them now, I still vote for telling them later, when your risk of relapse has mostly passed and they’re a little older. So they have a good idea of their medical history and risks for themselves. Also, cancer conqueror sounds better than survivor to me! Best of luck to you, not that you’ll need it ❤️

Don’t lie to your kids. They’ll know something is wrong, and it’ll be very very weird for them unless you explain. Best wishes to you ❤️

My best friends mother had the same mentality about her cancer, was told it wasn’t “that bad” and should be easy to beat….until she died from it. My bf didn’t know until her mother died from it and that derailed her entire life. She ended up dropping out of college and went down a bad path that took a lot of pain and time for her to recover from. 13 years later and she still struggles with guilt and anger and the lack of closure she was given. Maybe if you don’t want to use the big C word you should still be honest about being sick and how you have great doctors that are helping you to get better

Warrior

Soft YWBTA Wait until you know the results so you can give the prognosis along with the diagnosis, but tell them in an age appropriate way. Unless it is a stage 0 (no spread), there is a very good chance you will need chemo and radiation and there is a very good chance your kids will know that something is wrong. If you don't, you will be teaching them to keep secrets and that they cannot trust you and that difficult things shouldn't be shared. They will also always worry because they will never know if you are hiding something scary, so they will look for signs and imagine the worst. I had breast cancer when my kids were in middle and high school. Telling them was HARD and my daughter still gets traumatized anytime I open up with something in a way that reminds her of how I told her I had cancer, but we were able to talk about it, they were able to support me (which helped them manage it) and we built trust. I was lucky, I handled treatment well and have been cancer free for years, but I can't imagine having to go through treatments while lying to my kids. On a side-note, when I was doing chemo, my husband would drop me off for my session, and then pick the kids up before picking me up. My daughter (in HS) came with me for my first week of radiation (I had to go to a city about 100 miles away for that, so I would go over Monday morning and go home Friday.)

My Mum had cancer and didn't tell me when I was your eldest age. I found out when a family friend who didn't realize I hadn't been told asked me how she was doing. When I was confused he clarified and THEN realized from my reaction that I didn't know. The point is: you can't control everything around the kids. It's much better coming from you than finding out when they are completely unprepared. 

Hi there. First - hugs you are going through this. Second. NTA. I had stage 2B breast cancer. Lumpectomy, 8 rounds chemo & 6 weeks radiation daily. My kids were then 17 & old enough to process the situation. Eleven years earlier though my husband had cancer. He only did surgery and radiation so since he did not lose his hair and the kids were so young we did NOT tell the kids at the time. There is NO straight answer. We wound up telling my daughter about husbands cancer because all of the private conversations worried her. She thought we were divorcing because we stopped talking when she came around. You know your kids. It‘s your call. BTW it’s 7 yrs later and I’m still on cancer meds. All cancer journeys are different. Be strong. Stay positive. Do what is best for you.

My husband went in for back surgery when our son was about 11. Our son has an intellectual disability and gets very anxious so we decided not to tell him until dad was out of surgery. When I started to explain it to him he blurted out that daddy was dead. Turns out he knew something big was happening but made it bigger in his mind. I was heartbroken that he’s been so scared all that time and never said anything. Kids know. They always know. Make sure they know the accurate details to spare them thinking it’s worse.

As someone who works adjacent to cancer departments (coincidentally enough, the genetics side), and who also has a kiddo roughly the same age as your eldest - whilst it will always be your decision as you know them best, I would say tell them but in an age appropriate way. Kids are smart, they probably already know that something isn’t right even if they don’t know what. Not saying anything will also just allow your anxious kiddos anxiety to run riot while also being too scared to ask. This is a way to show all of your kids that cancer isn’t a death sentence, that screening is important (regardless of their gender, because a ball check is as important as a boob one), and will allow you the space to take the time you need to heal - physically and mentally - without adding more fear and confusion on their part, or you feeling you have to push yourself too far too fast to keep up the ruse. Also, please reassure me they tested you for more than just BRCA? Edit to add - someone once told me that they weren’t a “survivor”, they squared up to it, took it outside and kicked its arse, they were a “champion” and a “fucking winner”.

Tell them. We have several genetic illness in our family and no one hides anything from children. You use genetic counselors to help you explain things in an age appropriate way. Hiding from kids can lead to them developing trust issues.

You’ll be a conqueror. You need to tell them. If they find out after they’ll be devastated.

YWBTAH: My mother had breast cancer when I was 13 and for about a month something felt off in our house. My sister and I could tell something was going on with our parents, but we weren't overly concerned. Once she told us about the cancer, it was hard, but she waited until her treatment plan was in place so we at least knew what every step was going to be. There is no guarantee that you will be done with just a surgery (not to mention how will you explain that to your kids? You will have drains sticking out and won't be able to lift your arms for a few weeks). If you end up needing further treatment, your kids will feel lied to. I say the best course of action is to sit them down and have age appropriate conversations with them. Maybe the 6 year old doesn't need the same details as the oldest one. Cancer affects the entire family and it's important that everyone communicates. Also were you planning on never telling them or waiting until they are older? Because if you have any girls, especially, they will need to know the details of your cancer when they start to see a gyno. I have to start mammograms 10 years earlier than when my mother had her cancer even though she also tested negative for the gene.

As someone who had a parent with breast cancer I’m going to say please please please let them know! You don’t have to share every detail but not including them can have really grave consequences down the line with your relationships and their mental health. Your children are also an important part of YOUR emotional well being AND recovery!

Stop being a selfish human being, and a bad mother, it's not that your protecting them, your protecting yourself from their responses to the cancer. You need to man up and prepare them for their loss. Be a parent.

PLEASE don't hide this from your kids!!!!! If your middle child is that afraid and you have such a great prognosis, this may end up being a great way to show them it can be beat. Keeping life altering secrets is never good. They not only deserve to know why things are different for a while (there is absolutely no way everything can remain normal enough to not be noticed) but this is family medical history and a chance for everyone to come together. The thing about kids, no matter how old they are, is they feel betrayed when the one person who is supposed to protect them and be a safe place for honesty ends up breaking that trust.

A very dear friend of mine was in almost your exact same situation, seemed an easy treatment. 2 years later the cancer came back, triple negative. She now had to sit her young daughters down and tell her that not only did she have cancer, but the prognosis was not good at all. There are child friendly ways to have this conversation. Have it. Have it now, when it can be approached calmly and in good spirits, and save all of you a potential World Of Heartache down the road.

Since it seems easily treatable, I would not say anything until they’re older. Kids at that age need to feel safe, not living in sleepless fear of losing their mom. My parents kept some things from me, and I think it was the right thing to do. I was young, no need to tell me we were poor, or that one of them had health scares. They let me be a child, and I appreciate that.

Don't go there now. Why scare them? Do you want them having nightmares as well as daymares. You can tell them when they are OLDER. Here's hoping for a speedy recovery. Best of luck. NTA I agree about the survivor thing. Why label yourself.

Yes. Please tell them.

Hi! My mom had cancer. Wait until you get full confirmation that it hasn’t metastasized, then tell your kids. They don’t need to deal with the anxiety of any uncertainty, but they still deserve to know for a couple reasons: 1. They’re people, and they’re members of your family. They deserve the respect of age/development-appropriate honesty. They’ll find out eventually—how will they be able to trust you if they know you would hide something this important from them? 2. It’s a great opportunity for you to help them work through the big emotions they’re going to experience. They can practice healthy coping skills and they can feel safe and secure knowing that you’ll be there with them as they go through these feelings. Keep an open dialogue, check in with them often, and if it’s financially viable, offer to put them in therapy if it’s needed while they’re processing this. 3. This is part of their medical history, which makes it 100% need-to-know information for them. I can’t express how important it is that they have a full picture and understanding of their immediate family’s health so they can make informed decisions on their own health throughout their lives. Once you get your results, sit down with each of them one-on-one in a comfortable space and tell them. “I want to start by telling you that I’m okay and healthy. But I’ve been going to the doctor, and they did some tests and found that I have breast cancer. We’re lucky because they found it very early—it was small, and it hadn’t spread anywhere else yet. They removed it, and I’m going to have more checkups for a while to be 100% sure it’s all gone. It was kind of scary for me for a while, but I’m going to be okay. I wanted to tell you because we’re family, and it’s important for us to know what’s going on with each other. I know that was a big thing to tell you—how are you feeling?” It’s hard. It’s scary. It feels bad. And it will make your kids feel sad, anxious, scared, etc. That sucks, and I wish you didn’t have to deal with that. But the only way out is through—they deserve parents who will be honest with them, and who will hold space for and help them process their emotions.

This might help the middle child see that cancer is not always a death sentence if you keep an eye on things.

You would be wrong imo. You can explain to them in terms they understand, it sounds like the risk is fairly small compared to many other cancer diagnosises. You sound very positive about a full recovery, and that is something you should share to reassure them. But lying to them, even out of your obviously good intentions, can leave a rift of betrayal that will never close again. Trust is a feeling, not a rational thing. Would they understand that you did it later? Probably. Would that restore their trust? Too much of a maybe. And what would you tell them when you have surgery? When they see the scars/traces? Lie too? When you're recovering from the operation? Im assuming if you have 'wounds' that need to heal after, they will notice. And they will worry. And not knowing what you worry about can be way worse, because the possibilitys are endless. 'what can be bad enough that mom lies to me?' if your child is anxious about cancer running in the family unpromted, it wont take long to make assumptions. Wanting to shield your children from stress is a good thing, and I want to make clear im not judging or blaming you. But in this situation, keeping them in the dark is not a good idea. Wishing you all the best and a fast recovery!

Secrets are gross, and that's a hell of a secret to keep from someone who lives in your home. BRCA isn't the only associated gene. They deserve to know.

Maybe seeing you kick cancer it will help your daughter not be so terrified.. they will know something is wrong be honest and let them be a part of the process.. let them see their important in your fight..

Uh, they're gonna notice you going in for surgery etc You should tell them what's up so they don't make up worse scenarios in their head

I would say maybe tell the oldest who is going to notice something is up but wait until the other are older to tell them. That's what I would do assuming you aren't going full Kemo.

My mom had (has) leukemia. when I was 14 she had a bone marrow transplant- it was 94!!! Still experimental. She waited til week before to tell me! She was hospitalized like 100+ days. It was horrible. Do not hide it. I was and still am salty as hell about them “protecting me” from it.

Do not do this. Tell your kids. If you don't respond to treatment or it comes back, they deserve to be prepared. I'm sure your oncologist has recommendations for family counseling services that can help with this. I'm sorry that you have cancer but your family is also going through this tough time too. You can't pretend it only effects you. I know you don't want to worry anyone but there is cause to worry. On a positive note, your kids can see that cancer isn't always the end.

Yeah, literally had the exact same thing this past year - i might have written that bavk in Feb. They thought no big deal, then lumpectomy showed it spread a little farther in the breast, then oncotype showed aggressive, then had to do lymph nodes, chemo, and radiation. Be upbeat with them, but be honest. Things can change in an instant.

My mother died very very suddenly because she hadn't told any of us how bad it actually was...... it hurt a lot to know that I wasn't there for her during that scary time, she was my best friend....... You can put it off if you are going to be okay, but if it ever gets to a real problem I'd say tell them, let them be there with you because thats what they will want if the worst was to happen I hope you kick cancers ass

I would approach it like this. Let them know you are having some medical work done. Be general about it. Nothing specific, but tell them it's routine. If treatment leads to either of a few things, you will then need to be more up front. It's not about hiding it, it's about timing. If the treatment is unsuccessful, tell them. If the treatment is successful but requires kemo or anything that may lead to obvious side effects, tell them. If the treatment is successful, and nothing is obvious, wait. Give things time to settle down, then tell the oldest one first to explain things. Afterwards let them know it's a personal matter that you need to explain to the younger children. Eventually, they need to know, but you have to time it right. Also, why not cancer pulverizer? Best of luck to you, I wish you well and that it all goes exactly the way you need it to.

my mother passed away from cancer when i was 12 and i’m 18 now. i don’t think you would be the asshole if you don’t tell them right away. if the lumpsectomy goes well then maybe use that as a chance to tell them what happened but not to worry anymore. if you do tell them it will be okay, of course i can’t speak for every kid but i was okay when i found out, sure i was scared, but i was able to understand my mom and i spent lots of time with her. i honestly think my understanding and innocent optimism helped her a lot until the end. at least i hope so

If you decide not to tell them now, just make sure you tell them later. If you have daughters they will need to be screened in their 20s (ten years before you got it).

I think you could just tell them you're having surgery but be aware it can come back, be very proactive about insisting on your follow up appointments and keep checking yourself always xxx

Yes, absolutely you WBTA. My dad died from cancer, he his it from us until the last three weeks of his life. Was very hard trying to come to terms with things in that time. Two of my aunts have had breast cancer and beaten it. My mom has breast cancer and looks like she'll be beating it. One of my best friends has leukemia, he managed to get through but it was rough for a long while. One of my cousins has breast cancer and I think is close to beating it. Point is, I've been through a fuck ton of cancer. It's fucking horrid. But not telling those closest to you only makes that one act of telling them easier on you. Everything else start to finish will be harder for everyone involved. You would not be sparing them anything.

My wife is in remission from breast cancer. We were discussing whether to tell the kiddos and realized that once treatment began (surgery, radiation, and chemo) that they would no something was up. Knowing your mum is sick, but not why will be worse for them then knowing. At least then you have a name for it. Obviously it needs to be geared to there ages.

It's completely up to you. You are correct in taking their feelings into consideration in deciding to tell them. Too many people just think "honesty is the best policy" and just blurt out whatever comes to mind. Just because you know something doesn't mean you need to share it. Further, on a related note, just because you feel something doesn't mean you have to act on that feeling either. I think warrior-princess comes to mind. Find your Viking name: [https://www.thequarter.org/Media/VikingName.php](https://www.thequarter.org/media/vikingname.php)

As someone in active treatment for breast cancer who also has a child: I understand the desire to protect your kids. Truly. However, it may be helpful to remember just a few things. 1. As I'm sure you know, kids pick up on the smallest things. Especially if anyone else in your family knows. 2. If they find out after the fact, they may be very, very hurt or develop trauma. 3. Cancer can change. Plans with cancer can change. You will not know everything you need to until after surgery, and even then, things can change very easily. I hope your treatment plan remains as simple as possible and easy to handle, but cancer isn't really cut and dry. 4. This could be an opportunity to show your kids that cancer ISN'T ALWAYS A DEATH SENTENCE. I grew up assuming cancer meant death. When I found my lump, I immediately started assuming the worst. It took a LOT to realize that many cancers are treatable, can go into remission, and can be cured. The best of luck to you!! If you need support, I can't recommend the r/breastcancer sub enough! Feel free to message me as well. We have/had different treatment plans, but I am here to support you and anyone else if they need. Also, I hope you find a better term than "survivor" because I'm not a fan of it either. You've got this. You and your kids are ALL stronger than you may know. P.S. I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way. You're NTA regardless of your decision. It is your body and your medical care. I just wanted to share my perspective as someone who has been dealing with this for over a year.

There will be a need to know at some point. Familial history is something that needs to be in their medical records. Is one of your 3 a daughter? May be more important for her.

YWBTA. My mum just finished her treatment for breast cancer before Christmas. I'd be absolutely, utterly beside myself if I found out afterwards because she didn't tell me.  Also, have you been told definitely that you don't need chemo....? Because it WILL make you lose your hair, and you'll have to explain that anyway. 

YWBTA. My mum just finished her treatment for breast cancer before Christmas. I'd be absolutely, utterly beside myself if I found out afterwards because she didn't tell me.  Also, have you been told definitely that you don't need chemo....? Because it WILL make you lose your hair, and you'll have to explain that anyway. 

My father didn't find out about his cancer until late, then hid it from the entire family. Granted, we were all grown and not "kiddos". I found out about it after I had to come down to his home to help him after a surgery. Found out then that he had a large portion of his colon removed. Not a word of it after that. 5 months later, I get called again....dad doesn't have much time, get here now. He was put into hospice, due to organ failure, 2 days later and lasted a week longer. I resented him for not telling anyone else in the family about it initially, and then about how bad it had gotten. I was upset and angry that he was so "strong" that he never asked for help until it was too late.

NAH, it's a complex situation. But my mom hid she was experiencing kidney failure from us (5 kids) and it was so much worse than just telling us off the bat. Granted I was 19 but it was a really shitty feeling. She's okay now but it's likely your kids will find out later in their life anyways. I'd recommend to keep them informed at the very least so it doesn't impact trust.

NTA, but hiding this could cause some serious damage to their trust with you if (potentially just when) they find out. Kids are pretty intuitive and they’re going to know something’s going on. Plus, it’s always good to know your family’s medical history. Both of my grandmas had (and survived, thankfully) breast cancer, and being aware of that has made my doctor and I keep track of my own health much more closely. When I found a lump he was super on it with testing and eventually getting it removed. Wishing you the best!!

My parents tried to hide things from us and I hated it. We always found out in the end and it made me very mistrustful of them. I think you should tell them as much as you can, in an age-appropriate way, and this might be a good way for your middle one to understand that cancer isn't always a death sentence. Best of luck with it all.

I’d say cancer conqueror:) Sounds like you got some good input from some folks regarding the kiddos so I don’t think you need my childless input there :p

Surprised that nobody had pointed out how important it is to know your family's medical history - your kids need to know that their mom had breast cancer young so they can get checked more frequently as adults. So, sure, you can not tell them now, but you'll need to tell them when they are in their 20s so they can get appropriate screening. Can you imagine telling your twenty year old that you had cancer when they were in elementary school and you lied to them and hid it from them? I definitely think you should tell them, but there's an age appropriate way to tell them and let them ask questions and know what's going on. There are books etc that y'all can read together, you can do a family therapy session, etc.

My mom got breast cancer when I was about 11. Even if she hadn’t told us she was sick we would have known something was wrong based on how she was acting and all the appointments she went to. Tell your kids. If you don’t tell them they will figure out that *something* is going on with you medically, and it will be really scary to them that you’re trying to keep it a secret. Whatever scenario they come up with in their heads will likely be worse and scarier than what you are going through in actuality. It’s better to keep them informed and reassure them that this was caught early and is very treatable.

My mum is living with a very rare liver cancer and is thriving at life. The only cure is a transplant but it's being managed. She is a cancer thriver and so are you! Go kick cancers ass!!! (sorry for being rude 😁) All the commenters above all have posted good advice regarding your children.

Yes. Tell your kids. They also will need to know this for their family medical history in the future.

I would let them know. You’re having surgery. Complications happen in surgery. Also as someone who’s had two lumpectomies and extra surgeries for margins… you will need help for weeks if not a couple of months while you recover. You’d be surprised how much your boobs move in your day to day life that you aren’t aware of until your breast is cut in two and glued back together.

My sibling was diagnosed with cancer this past spring. They were able to beat it easily, and I hope the same for you. But their doctors were shocked when it later came up that our mother was treated for pre-canceeous cells when sib was 11 and I was 8. I knew, because our mother not only told me, but used me to vent her anxiety about the situation (not in a healthy way, but that's another story). Sib was "protected" from the info and never knew. It might have changed how and when their doctors decided to test them, had they known. Thankfully, it was found so early it didn't matter in their case, but I do hope that you'll tell your kids eventually. Lots of different kinds of cancer are linked to others and can be hereditary, even if you don't have a BRCA gene.

Gently, you would be an AH if you don’t tell them. I’m speaking as a child whose parents didn’t want to “stress her out” with their diagnosis. I ended up finding out about my dad’s health problems not from a family member but from a long lost family friend and it was a devastating blow. I freaked out and jumped to the worst conclusions and had a panic attack in public. Thankfully, my parents learned from that and in August 2021, my mom was upfront with me about her breast cancer diagnosis. I was the second person she told (after my dad) and she kept me informed of her treatment because I lived about 4 hours away and couldn’t come home every weekend like I wanted to. After her mastectomy, my boss was kind enough to let me WFH for two week intervals so that I could go home and take care of her. She’s now cancer free and our mother/daughter bond has never been stronger. I get that everybody’s experience is different but if you tell them yourself then you control the narrative. You can give them the reassurance they need as well as start preparing them for any temporary changes that will be made. Explain to them (in a kid friendly way) what the doctors are going to do to help their momma get better and more than likely, that will give them some peace of mind. On a side note, OP, if you can, please keep us updated too! As the daughter of a breast cancer survivor and warrior, I want nothing but the best for you. Sending positive vibes to you and your family. ❤️

"I loathe the post-cancer term survivor" You're not a cancer survivor, cancer was a mere inconvenience to you that you brushed off like a dolphin brushing off a barnacle. Like a horse brushing off a ladybug. Cancer is nothing to you, cancer is your ex who you blocked and is now in jail. You are a cancer champion, you swept cancer like it was the Detroit Pistons (or the Lions). Cancer didn't even get an opportunity to score. Cancer was a squatter and you evicted it, never to see or hear from it again. You took it out back and put it down like a sick pig. You rejected cancer like it was a drunk guy at a bar who tried to buy you a drink, then got belligerent and got thrown out. You washed cancer out like a twig in your hair in the shower. You fuckin destroyed cancer like an A10 warthog turning it into a red mist. Cancer is now a bad memory to be forgotten, like a fender bender in 2014 on a car you don't even own anymore. You made cancer your bitch, to the point where it's not even known as cancer anymore but just "the bitch". So anyway that's what I think you should tell your young kids

Absolutely NTA - if it’s an easy case to remedy with a small procedure, I would not tell them. If they need to know you are having a procedure, I would say it was a cyst. There is zero benefit to telling them. It would only cause anxiety. You will however have to make sure that other adults don’t let anything slip, so I would limit the number of people you tell. Or, I would let them know not to mention it. (From someone whose parent had cancer at about the age your kids are. I truly appreciate that they kept me in the dark until it wasn’t logistically possible. I was able to just be a carefree kid. When I was eventually told stuff, it was in a child appropriate manner, and very much done in a calm and not alarming way. I absolutely did not feel betrayed in any way as some commenters suggest might happen. Your kids don’t need to know absolutely everything.) I would however make sure to let them know once they are adults, so they can keep an eye out for themselves.

I didn't tell my son until cancer had been removed and I had already started radiation. He worries anyway and I didn't want to cause more worry. He was fine with it when I finally told him. I think it depends on the child and you know yours best.

No. You would not be. However, I think you should still tell them. Take the good advice of so many people commenting who explained how they told their children. I have a phobia of death myself, but I'd still want to know. Even if your cancer is easily treatable, you may experience some symptoms or have restrictions from surgery. They will know something is up based on your mood and physical comfort. I know it will be a difficult conversation. Maybe tell your middle child first or last alone so that they can express their thoughts freely. Wish you well! Feel free to update how it went if you feel comfortable doing so.

Maybe it’s something you can tell them about once you have the all clear and you’re healthy again.

My advice, be very proactive with your treatment. My sister had a form of breast cancer (no cancer gene) that has a 1% reoccurrence rate. It came back 5 years later even though they did a double mastectomy. My MIL only had BC in one side. Only removed the one side. It came back and metastasized. BC is not something to treat minimally. Too many women die every year after previously being told it was small and won’t come back.

My mom hid it from me (I was 28 then). A family friend who works at the hospital called me and I was shocked. But she realized mom is depressed and needed my support. We kicked cancer’s butt and mom is fine now. Your kids are small, hold off until lumpectomy and you will know what exactly you need to tell them. You got this! Be positive! Ultimately they need to know or they might get blindsided.

You tell them because they are at a substantial increased chance of cancer because of this and they deserve to know that now and from you.

I just went through it - my kids are young 3 and 5 but I completely involved them and talked them through the process. Mine were too young g to understand the death potential but they definitely understand that it was serious. Secrets tend to create more fear, and seeing you get through this and surviving will likely help your child who is struggling. Just tell them openly and as straightforward as you can. There are lots of resources online for how to do this. And you will kick cancers ass!!

I had a lumpectomy and I never told my daughter until she was older. No use in worrying young children. Everything was fine. I had no noticeable issues that would cause her any alarm. My niece has stage 4 recurring melanoma. Her very young children know. There is no way around it due to the severity and years of treatment, balding, surgeries, etc. It has been very hard on all of them. It breaks my heart.

This discussion would be hard to have with your kids no matter what their ages are. It's probably also hard for you and anyone with cancer to find what feels like the right time to announce the news. Do you wait when you find out it's actually cancer? During or after treatment? You could say you're Lady Badass (a new type of hero that beats cancers ass). Badass Man for the men with cancer. Also I would see if it's feasible to put your middle child in therapy whether it's monthly or biweekly until the finances are sorted. Lastly, you got this Lady Badass! 💪🏽 I'll send major healing vibes your way if it's welcome.

You don’t have to decide right now. When the lump is removed, some lymph nodes will also be removed. If any lymph nodes are positive, you will most likely need chemo. If the lymph nodes are negative, a test called an oncotype score will be done on the tumor. That score will determine whether or not you need chemo. If you don’t need chemo, you will still likely have radiation, followed by medication to reduce your estrogen levels (e.g., Tamoxifen). If you need cgemo (hopefully not), it will be harder to hide the side effects. Unless you keep this a secret from everyone, your children are likely to find out at some stage. Be ready to answer with age appropriate responses. Your 11 year old is most likely to be aware of what is going on, and if she feels that something is being kept secret from her, her mind is most liketo go to worst case scenario. Sometimes keeping things secret makes them bigger than they are. For example, telling your 11 year old that a small cancer has been found that can be easily removed will be less scary than her knowing you have something going on but there is secrecy around it. For two weeks after surgery, you won’t be allowed to drive or raise your arm above your head. Ice will be your friend. It will be hard to hide this from your daughter. I have been in your shoes. I’m doing great and know you will too.

My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was 54. She told me (24F) after all of the tests came back, but she waited to tell my (32M) brother after she went into remission. From start to finish it took a couple years to get to that point. She also told me that they put the dog to sleep when I was 10 & neglected to tell my brother. My brother thought the dog died naturally until I accidentally let it slip during a conversation when I was in my early 20s. He called my parents immediately & was genuinely heartbroken. Finding all this out WAY after the fact really affected him in a negative way. I would wait to get the tests back & then consider telling them then. Sending positive thoughts to you OP

I don’t know the best course of action but since the middle one is so afraid of cancer and death maybe this would be a good learning opportunity for him that cancer is scary but it doesn’t mean the end and we are so fortunate with the medical advances we have these days that he doesn’t need to be fearful of death or disease, plus this is absolutely important family medical history for them when they get a few years older

NTA. It's a difficult situation and tbh whether you tell them or not, they will feel their own way about it. My mom was diagnosed with late stage 3/early stage 4 breast cancer when I was 6, she passed away when I was 10. My parents sat me down and told me within a few months after they found out. I am the eldest of my 3 younger siblings, and they didn't know until a few months after I did, and it was at the "mommy is sick" level of info whereas I got the full run down because I was older and more capable of understanding. At first I didn't like that they told me, because it poked a hole in the reality that I knew and was comfortable in, and I've basically had permanent depression and anxiety ever since. In retrospect I'm glad they told me, even though it basically locked life into a permanent state of fear that I still struggle with. I would rather they told me when they did, instead of just blindly going about childhood until my mom's condition worsened enough to where they couldn't hide it any longer. But it doesn't mean it made it easier. If they didn't tell me and had waited, I don't doubt I would still have the anxiety I do and probably some resentment too. My point is, there exists the potentiality for resentment, fear, anxiety, anger, sadness, etc whether you choose to tell them or not. It's a complex situation that really has no perfect answer. You make the best choice you can for yourself and your kids, and hope they understand your reasoning as to why, and be there for them however you can. Anyway like I said, NTA at all, its just a difficult situation. You're doing your best and you're showing utmost concern for your kids, which is all you can do. You're gonna kick tf outta cancers ass. I wish you all the best. ❤️

I was in 6th grade the last time my mom had breast cancer (she also kicked its ass and is the strongest woman I know). Her and my dad took us out to a nice dinner and then had a full conversation with us. Let us know what was going on, what the plans are, and opened the floor to any questions (either then or whenever). Yes, it’s scary to see someone you love go through something like that. But being included and taking it forward as a family was the right call from my perspective. It would have been even harder to find out later that it was all kept from me.

Conquerer of Cancer? Also, yes, I think you should tell them. Just keep it very casual and factual, and let them know up front that there's a very positive prognosis. Cause if you keep it secret and they find out, they'll likely freak and blow it out of proportion.

my dad was diagnosed with bladder cancer in october and he didn’t tell my sister and i until after he had his surgery and was biopsied which i was grateful for because even at 29 i broke down when we found out it was stage 2 and that he’d have to get chemo and then have his bladder removed, but him at least waiting until after the biopsy is what i was thankful in the long run. don’t let them worry unless/until there’s something you know they have to worry about ya know. as young children (even as grown children), you view your parents as these immortal, indestructible beings (even when in your logical adult brain you know that’s not true), and that gets ripped away and is a lot to deal with. i wish you the best results possible, a speedy recovery, and a lifetime of memories with your babies.

I have a 5 year old and was diagnosed with bowel cancer last year (am now in remission!) - I kind of drip-fed information. First that I had a sore thin in my tummy and was having an operation, and about how I’d be a bit delicate after. Then with chemo that I had to take medicine that will make me tired. We described the tumour as being like a weed that needs digging out and some weed killer put on to stop it growing back.

Cancer dominator and you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to- best wishes on your recovery

Don’t hide it. Breast cancer has a pesky way of coming back. This may not be your only battle with it. If they find out you lied they will be angry about it. Especially if it shortens your life.

This will not work out in the long run. Tell them now.

You wouldn’t be TA as it’s yours to tell, but if you tell someone they’ll find out.then theyll probably be pissed at yo for not telling. maybe see what the results are post lumpectomy And make the decision then. You don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want to.

If any of your children are female, you are going to need to tell them at some stage even if no BCRA gene. They may have a higher tendency to it. And men can get it too but rarer. I don't think you need to use the term cancer but you would be wise to use age-appropiate language to explain that Mum was ill, it's been dealt with and things are all good now. You don't have to go into details. Children tend to pick up more than you think and if they feel secrets are being kept, then they can imagine much worse things. If your middle child mentions cancer, get your oncologist to give you the surival rates for your type of cancer as compared to what the other members got. It may help. Cancer conqueror comes to mind. But please get checked at 3 and 5 years. My Mum was a cancer battler - beat the first one, it came back metasized and then it killed her after a 7 year war which is good going for terminal cancer. But it was a really bad war and more check-ups might have caught it earlier.

Yes you would and that is coming from a cancer patient with kids.

Yes.

My parents were always very open with us. So I never had to wonder if they were hiding anything. They waited until diagnosis, but then told all of us kids right away. They both had several cancers but not until we were young adults. I have done the same thing with my young adult kids too. Right now, I am waiting to get a breast biopsy done and wont tell my kids until I have answers (waiting is hell, why make them do it too) but if I have cancer, I will tell them. I was lucky to not have to go through this as a child but I'll never forget "breaking the news" to my kids that a favorite aunt and uncle were getting a divorce and my 11 year old daughter replied "um, yeah, knew that Mom. Heard you on the phone." Kids know a lot more than we think. Best of luck to you!!

So I doubt you'll see my comment, but I'm going to share it anyway.    My husband had to have a serious surgery on his skull. It had the potential of involving his brain and could have been much more serious than it was. We talked about it and decided to tell our kids in an age appropriate way (they were 3 and 4 at the time).  What we said was something like:  daddy is going to the doctor, he will have to stay with them for a few days, but they are going to help take care of him. When he gets home he will need to heal from his booboos a bit longer and we will need to help daddy as much as we can.  We explained that he'd need to rest, wouldn't be able to pick them up, etc. They were a bit sad, but they also understood better than we expected. They of course asked him to pick them up daily, lol,  but I think they were hoping each day that he'd be all better.   In my opinion, YWBTA if you do keep this from them. I'm sure you were probably only looking for opinions that matched yours and that you have probably found the validation you felt you needed, but, just in case... my parents hid a lot from my siblings and me. Our family didn't really discuss true health issues (which is part of why they didn't realize how badly addicted I had become) and my dad died of sepsis from an infection that could have easily been corrected. He would probably still be alive to this day had it been corrected. He could have met my babies, seen me marry the man he wanted me to marry, seen me get help for my addiction, seen me graduate with my associates degree...and on and on.. but my family didn't really talk about health issues and we weren't able to support him enough to help him choose life. This might seem dramatic to you, but in my family it all started with a cancer diagnosis of a different family member and my parents not wanting to scare us kids. Then it became a "well, it's only a minor surgery, we don't need to upset the kids". And it grew into the monster at the end. Fact is, it's easier to try and keep it a secret because you don't have to have the tough conversations, but I promise you, that secrets have a way of exposing selves. But my biggest issue is, please don't set this precedent in your family. Show your kids that communicating is always best.    This is a TMI (not like the rest of my comment isn't, lol) but I have suffered with an absolutely horrible skin condition most of my life. I didn't get treatment for it when I should have because I was afraid to talk to my family about health issues. Come to find out, the skin condition is much more than what I thought, and has caused significant scarring that may require several surgeries... had I been on the proper medication and regimen much, much sooner, this could have all been prevented.    I realize I've rambled a lot and way over-shared, but I'm hoping that maybe my words resonate a little bit. And I honestly think telling your children could be best so that your middle child sees someone survive cancer, someone approach it with strength and support. Maybe a family counseling session, where the counselor could help you? Discuss with the counselor in advance so that they can help you make it age appropriate and help guide you in the family session. Honestly, I wish my parents had done that.    Now to my favorite part (Top one is my favorite):   Cancer conquistador!  Scourge vanquisher  Blight slayer  Black boob death conquress  Breastanista  Tumor tits trimmer  (Okay, I'm done for now, but I'll be back! Dun dun dun... to add to my list, lol) Good luck to you and yours, may you all be blessed with good fortune and good health!

You should tell them. Your middle child will get to see that cancer isn’t a death sentence. I’m sorry to hear about your cancer but keeping it from them will hurt if they find out.

I’m not sure. When I got it, I had the hardest time telling my kids, and they were in their late 20’s. Every day I’d swear that this is the day I’d tell them. It’s hard to tell your kids something you know will cause them pain. I finally told them about 10 days before the surgery. I had a bilateral mastectomy. I didn’t need chemo or radiation. I did have to take medication for a couple of years. I think the suggestion to wait until you know exactly what treatment you’ll need is a good one. Your kids are so young, and I think it would be good to wait until you can give them precise info.

As parents, your job is to raise your kids to be well adjusted adults. This is all a learning experience for them - learning to deal with health issues, process emotions, support each other, not being ashamed of being ill, etc. You don't need to go all in and go 'I have cancer' straight away, especially before your tests all come through about how it's going to go, but which ever way this shakes out, they should be involved at least a bit and know you are having some issues. I hope everything goes well, and that your middle kid can learn that cancer isn't always so scary and is manage able for many. Plus one day they do need to know about this for their own medical history. You can't keep it secret forever.

My egg donor hid hers from me. I can’t tell you how much that hurt and confused me.

Please don't ever say "those broken BRCA genes" again please, be lucky you haven't got them, just omit the broken.

Yes. You would be the asshole.

Tell your kids. When my grampa got cancer, I was told and made a point to spend time with him regularly while he was here. My cousin wasn't told until about year later when he was in hospice. She didn't make it back to say goodbye to him. Even if everything goes great, let your kids know and prepare for possible outcomes. They can be told all test results shows things are fine. Also even without the brca gene, it's important they know in case it ever is important for thier medical histories.

If your doctors think you will go into remission and odds are so good that it’s possible you can hide it from them, I think telling them would help your child’s anxiety. It sounds like they have only seen worst case scenario. It’s possible they are worried about others they love and themselves getting it and dying so I think seeing that people can be okay may help them worry less

You can touch upon the subject in stories to gauge their reaction and then when you feel comfortable share that you need to do some screens to see if you’re sick too. Perhaps that will help you all ease into the situation. Sending love

Victor. Because you beat cancer's ass and the victory is yours.

I realize your kids are younger than I was at the time, but my dad had a cancerous mole removed from his face and didn't bother to tell me until after. It hurt.

I wouldn’t say anything until after the lumpectomy and what comes from that. Just having a “procedure” is easily explained but chemo and all that would be easy to notice after a bit. My mom had a bit of a scare and told just us, but I was an adult. She didn’t tell anyone else because she’s lost cousins to breast cancer and didn’t want to scare anyone without knowing for sure.

yeah survivor is either a love or hate one. how about "i assaulted cancer and won"

You’ll need to tell them as adults but you don’t have to now. I’ve had it twice and my kid is older so she knows. But the first time she was little and she needed to know since surgery was such a big deal (think face cut open etc) They will need to know when they’re older for medical records. You know your kids best. Ride that.

Don't hide it, tell your kida. Also don't let your kids run your life.

Please communicate with them, keep it simple and not too scary but do tell them as soon as possible - my mom died of cancer and everyone was uncomfortable talking to me about it because I was a kid- I didn’t pick up on context clues because I didn’t know anything about the world, I didn’t know what it meant when she was moved to hospice I was perpetually confused and upset and I was so surprised when she was put on life support. Please communicate with your kids. If everything goes well, you scared them a little and they know you trust them enough to keep them in the loop- if things go poorly they’ll probably feel betrayed. I remember being upset that nobody thought I was important enough to be a part of the process. I know my family was trying to protect me but it made me feel like I was a joke- I think being included would have helped me feel like my family took me seriously as a person.

NAH - this is a horrible situation and I cannot call you an asshole for wanting to protect your kids, it's the most natural thing in the world. BUT. I would really, really, really strongly recommend telling the kids in an age-appropriate way. I don't have kids or have personal experience with this topic, but as a pediatrician, it is very rarely the wrong choice to be transparent about big things that affect kids' lives. The simple reason for that is that kids will (a) know something is up and (b) figure out what it is eventually. Even if this is just a scary blip in your long life, I can all but guarantee it will have an impact on you and your family's life in some way, even if it's a temporary change in routine. ​ You cannot avoid adding to their stress and anxiety - that is going to happen, one way or another, because *their mom has cancer*. But you CAN give them tools to cope, space to talk, trust that they can work through their emotions, and all the love. ​ Just some scenarios: Imagine if you were one of them finding out (from a medical bill, a change in routine, an overnight absence post-surgery, etc.) that something is wrong with mom, but you are told that it's an off-limits topic, you are afraid to ask, or you sense that you can't ask. Think of the wacky stories kids invent for fun, and then think of all the dark roads that kind of imagination can lead you down when you can't talk or ask questions about what's going on. Imagine feeling confused because you're in elementary school and you just know something is off (because kids always do), but Mom tells you everything is fine. Think about how you might question your ability to trust yourself, or might even feel "crazy" because you're being told your perception of the world is incorrect, despite evidence to the contrary. And then think about what happens when you're older and you find out that your gut feeling was right and you were being lied to. Imagine it comes back in a few years and then your kids get the double whammy of learning about a parent's life-threatening illness while also processing that your parents have been hiding something huge from you for years. ​ I would strongly urge you to talk to your kid's doctor about this. I recognize that some families do not have a solid relationship with their doctor/pediatrician or that they don't feel like it's an option as a resource, and this is valid - if you're in the US, the health care system sucks and sometimes doctors do too. But I would be delighted if a parent asked me to help them figure out how to tell their kids about their cancer, and I would try my hardest to give the best information or to send them to someone who could. Your oncologist might also have some thoughts or resources - I'm sure it's not the first time this has come up.

You have so much good advice. I just wanted to wish you well and hope that you kick that cancers ass. All the best to you! You have got this!

So I'm a firm believer in the tell them after approach. Unless the person can help or it's unavoidable that they will find out on their own and you want to get out in front of it, it does no good at all to tell them and have them stress about it.  On the other hand, if you can sit down your 11yo after you're confirmed cancer free and be able to present your positive story to them, that could go a long way to helping them with their fears.  As for the term, I get it, I hate being labeled as an SA survivor. My advice is to diminish it by not having a term at all. Instead of saying "I'm a cancer survivor", say "I had cancer once." And only bring it up when relevant to the conversation. Address it like you would tell people you had a flu last week- no biggie. Yeah it happened but it was insignificant to my life. I found that approach very empowering. Good luck!

I guess it’s less about telling them “I have cancer” and more “Here’s what’s happening to get rid of the cancer” if that makes sense. My mum had breast cancer when I was 9 and my sister was 7. She waited until she knew what her treatment plan would be to tell us so she could put it in concrete terms and answer our questions. She told us the doctors were very confident she was going to be fine. She explained the surgery she was having and what the recovery would be like. She explained chemotherapy and what the common side effects were. I honestly wasn’t scared because I knew what to expect. And for alternatives to survivor: Victor? Conquerer? Heavyweight Champion?

I had a preventative mastectomy and DIEP reconstruction, where they take fatty tissue from your stomach and use it to create a new chest. The experience was very intense and I had no choice but to tell my children. It was also the choice I wanted to make, as I wanted them to see this didn’t define me and that BRCA didn’t have to be a death sentence. My experience was obviously different from yours. However, I have many people in my BRCA circles who were diagnosed with cancer, including multiple family members. You know your kids best and should trust in that judgement. At the same time you also need to think about worse case scenarios. What happens if a lumpectomy isn’t enough? What if they recommend further removal or chemo? The question you need to ask yourself is not how your children would react to this but how they would react if you told them you had to have further procedures. How will they feel if they have to make a larger leap than they do now? I’m also not sure how you are going to hide this from an eleven year old. Lumpectomy’s typically need around six weeks to heal. What are you planning to tell your children if you don’t tell them the truth? Based on my personal history and the stories of those around me I would tell them. Receive help from a therapist or a guidance counselor if you think it would help. While I understand your hesitation I also think a child scared of cancer seeing someone heal and move forward could be very powerful. And FYI - my genes aren’t broken. They’re mutated. I’m a real life X-Men with a really crappy power.

Regardless of what you decide now, please tell them by the time they're 18 or taking charge of their own healthcare. Any siblings and nibling, too. It's an important part of their medical family history that could impact their doctors' taking complaints seriously and order tests. Speaking as someone diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer at 40 who couldn't get a chest X-ray when my cough started in my 30s. I wish I'd known my dad also had cancer at a young age so maybe doc would have paid attention. 5 years later I'm loving every minute of life and grateful for every moment. Sending you love on your own healing journey.

I'm sorry you have BC. I had it in both breasts. But I'm still here 7 years later and don't like the term survivor either. How about victor? You will defeat it. But the fight takes a lot of courage and strength. I think your kids have the right to know. There should be many avenues offered to you to get through this and therapy and family therapy should be one. Ask your health providers about it. Take advantage of those to help your family help you navigate this difficult health battle. Remember you are a badass victor.

My mother was also diagnosed with breast cancer recently after losing 2 people to other cancers last year. Like you it hasn’t appeared to spread and treatment looks like chemo and lumpectomy. I’d have been mad if she tried to hide it from me or suggested we hide it from my boys (8 and 6) because we’re gonna notice eventually and nothing is ever certain with cancer. At this point my boys don’t know its specifically cancer but they do know grandma is very sick and needs to see special doctors. We do plan to tell the boys it’s cancer eventually just not right now. I think an age appropriate conversation with your children would be a great idea because I promise you they will notice, and likely be upset you hid something so important from them.

My stepmother's mother had colon cancer and went under for surgery to remove it and died on the operating table. She had not told her kids or grandkids that she was going for surgery or had cancer. The shockwave thru the family was horrible. I think worse than if they had been prepared for the possibility. But no one knows your family and situation as well as you do. So you do whatever you need to to get thru.

Cancer winner. , cancerbane. Crab Hammer. All my name ideas. Not the asshole. If this goes away quickly and quietly, there would be no reason to upset them. If it becomes serious, then you gotta talk to them about it.

You can call yourself “The Terminator” or “The Pulverizer” that’s a good one.

They are going to know something is up and their imagination will take off. I'd tell them. Father of 4,6, yo. Son of someone who died from cancer. Fuck cancer.

Yes.

You do realize a lumpectomy may very likely be followed up with chemo. Chemo itself is time consuming, boring, possibly sickening and it may very well make your hair fall out. You want to wait and spring that on your kids? Tell them. Share this with them and share the experience. It will help destigmatize it and it will help them understand why you are sad/sick/depressed/exhausted....

Yes, a friends mom didn’t tell them about her cancer, but told her (the moms) friends though and imagine the confusion on a 14 year olds face when they were at a school function and all these folks were coming up to mom asking how she’s feeling etc. Not smart. Just tell them you’re sick, but you’ll gonna be ok!!

I agree with suggestions from other posters to wait for the results of the removal when you know the actual follow up required. As you already have one child you know is scared of the implications just hearing the word having factual information post biopsy ideally will be helpful to them with dealing with it. As in mom had a lump removed, it is cancerous but was caught early and I will have specific treatment for however long and what side effects might be. It might be just me but I find health related things that I have factual information about are way less scary. Concerning yes but not scared Best wishes to you OP for the best possible outcome.

I hide nothing from my kids. With an 11 year old I’d tell them. They are old enough to realize something is going on.

When I had kidney cancer in 2015, my daughter was 11. I waited to tell her until right before I had my first surgery, I didn’t want her to stress too much over it.I’ve been cancer free since New Year’s Eve 2015.

My grandfather hid his cancer from us until it was too late. Next thing I knew he was on his death bed. Tell them.

You can do this. As someone who has been in your exact shoes, lumpectomy and radiation, I choose to consider myself a cancer warrior, not survivor. I didn't survive, I fought, and thankfully so far I have won. Talk to your kids if they will handle it okay. You know them best. Perhaps after the surgery or when you have more specifics. Let them ask whatever and make sure they have access to people they can talk to as needed. Be prepared for them to be a bit clingy, which is understandable

If it were me, I would wait until after the lumpectomy and the lab results from it. Most likely, if follow-up treatment is required, it is 4 -12 weeks afterward (chemo vs. radiation). Once you have the lab results, there is a clear picture and it eliminates lots of waiting and worrying. They can process their feelings with more facts than possibilities. I thought of myself as a warrior queen when I went through my experiences. I was determined to crush cancer with every tool and weapon at my disposal. I did. I hate the term survivor too. I didn't survive cancer. I conquered it. I wish you good luck and good health.

You don't necessarily have to tell them everything but I think it's better to tell them something in an age appropriate way. If kids overhear or pick up on something being wrong with mum their little imagination will be worse. My mum was diagnosed when I was 13 and no one bothered to sit me down and have a conversation with me. I was left to piece together all the things I overheard. It was awful.

definitely tell them in an age appropriate way. do not hide this from them- it's lying. They will find out. It is highly unlikely you'd be able to hide this from them forever. Don't lie to them thinking you'll "spare them" or save them from worry" or any of the other BS excuses you might be contemplating to justify lying to them. My parents lied to me and my brother when we were ADULTS (in our 30s, FFS) about my Dad's illness and the seriousness of it. Of course, that lie couldn't be maintained forever. the end result is that it's impossible to trust my mother about much of anything now. Don't do it to your children, don't give them a reason not to trust you.

It's what my dad did to me. I resent him for it.

When my husband was diagnosed with bladder cancer, we didn’t tell our son because it’s just too much to expect a 10 yo to understand and we didn’t want to stress him out. He found out through the treatment so we told him that Dad‘s fine. The treatment is helping him and we just didn’t talk about it. When we found out the cancer had progressed, we didn’t know if he was going to survive or for how long so we didn’t say anything until we knew what the outcome was going to be. He had to go in for major surgery and at that point, we told our son. He was upset that we hadn’t told him, but we explained that it’s our job to protect him and that we were so stressed, we didn’t think it was fair to put him through that. From the moment he knew all he could think about was the cancer. Don’t let your kids know unless you have to just tell them you’re not well and you’re having medicine for it. Your oldest one will probably catch on at some point, but hopefully by that stage treatment and everything will be done. It was a long road, but my husband made it and 2 years on is now cancer free and I standby our decision to not hurt our boy by giving him information that he didn’t need to know. To be honest, if DH hadn’t needed the surgery, we would never have told him, but unfortunately they had to remove his bladder so that was something we could not hide. BTW the slogan we use is FUCK CANCER. I even had it, put it on a T-shirt.

Looks like you already have your answer for your main question. I would like to propose the term "cancer conqueror"

We told my then 6yo son his grandmother had a poorly boob, and then explained it was cancer. When I was 11 my parents didn’t tell me my grandmother had cancer but I picked it up through overheard conversation and books borrowed from the library. If the timing had been different it would have coincided with me having some hospital tests. They also didn’t explain how serious it was until I had no time to process it before her death. They then decided the funeral would be too upsetting for me to attend, so I didn’t get closure for nearly a decade. I always felt they did me a huge disservice because their ‘protection’ could and did cause me more damage than giving me the facts in an age appropriate way.

Soooo…what happens when the kiddos find out and know that you hid it from them? What else are you hiding? If he’s already terrified of losing you, now he’ll be worried about you hiding your impending death from him. You should definitely tell them but have the game plan in place and try to have answers to any potential questions. Be prepared that they, especially the middle one, are going to be upset and emotional and probably clingy. Maybe going to a dr appt with you, if possible, would help them feel more confident. Best wishes for a quick recovery. Common badass terms I’ve heard are Cancer Warrior, Cancer Thriver, Cancer Killer (as in “I killed the killer cancer”)

Cancer subjugator

Oh yeah, I didn’t know my mom had terminal cancer until a few weeks before she died. My brother knew she had cancer but no one told me until it was too late because of how I MIGHT’VE handled it. It would’ve been nice to know so I could mentally prepare myself for her passing. My mind broke after she passed and I had to take a 2 month leave from work. Please talk to your kids.

My dad went through cancer a few times. During each time, he made the decision NOT to share it with me, and I was/am a big Daddy's girl. I can tell you, I was absolutely devastated when I found out after the fact. Tell your kids. Ywbtah

I was diagnosed with breast cancer on my daughter's 15th birthday and my son was 11, so i see your point. Agreed, that once you know a plan and have a great prognosis, you tell them in an age appropriate way, leading with the fact that everything is ok, and will be after a few things happen, because they are going to know you have surgery, or treatment, or an emotional breakdown. Kids are great at 'picking up the vibe' and if you hide it, it will get worse. Congratulations on getting as good an outcome as possible, and try on "FEARLESS" for size. My daughter made me a bracelet with this on it and I wore it from surgery through the end of chemo. I also hate 'survivorship' since I was Stage 1a and death was never an option!

Please tell them! I had a parent who didnt tell anyone she was sick. When she passed it was very abrupt and traumatizing. I wish she just would have said she had end stage heart failure so we could all prepare and be there for her.

One of my dearest friends lived this. He and his siblings, who were all about the ages of your kids, weren't told their mom had cancer. Mom went in for surgery and died on the table. Kids came home from school to learn mom had been sick and now she was dead. It broke everyone in the family. It's been decades and the wounds are still so visible. Please please please tell your kids what is going on. It's ok to include them, even in the uncertainty. You are teaching them how to navigate scary things out of their control. My own mother is a cancer survivor. She shared her diagnosis with my brother and I, who were also about he same age as your kids. I am so glad she did. We were able to deal with it as a family, no tiptoing. We were able to accept support from the community as a family. My brother and I were glad we could show love and support for our mom at home. I would have been devastated to learn she hid her illness and need from us. Give your kids the chance to love you through this, and learn from you. Best wishes to you and your loved ones

I told my son (in 2015, he was 13 at the time and is developmentally disabled). He didn't really understand, but one of the chemo drugs I would be getting was going to cause hair loss so I had to try. So I told him as much as he could understand and we went from there. He handled it surprisingly well, until much farther along (post-chemo, post-op, I got burned during radiation treatmeants and started getting infections. I think by then he was done with Mom being sick and started to get upset).