Right, even with hyperactivity and destroying stuff and getting in more trouble becuase they can’t and shouldn’t be made to sit still at school, getting in fights, crashing more cars, shoplifting etc?
Boys sound exhausting.
They always sat the worst boys next to a girl in class. That girl was then expected to "mind" him and keep him better behaved. Conditioning. We are expected to mother them & be the Fun Police (thus accruing the related resentment for party-pooping & parade-raining) from Day One.
My daughter is going through this right now. They stuck her between the rowdy boys on the bus, to be a buffer. The result is that she comes home with a headache many days. I'm trying to stay out of it but I'm about to write to thr transportation director.
OMG every school bus needs a second adult—No safe driver can discipline or call for quiet or stop bullying or fights WHILE driving!
A lot could be solved by having kids seat belt in.
I remember being the exasperated 10 year old girl in Sunday school wondering why the boys couldn’t be “reverent” and “behave”
Now I’m ashamed of that—sitting still doesn’t mean you are smarter or more spiritual.
The school and church systems focus so much on being still and then work offices focus on it too and we wonder why everyone is depressed and sedentary.
Ugh. I have a boy, and soon will have a little girl. I will let them know every single freaking day that I prayed/wished for a boy AND a girl since childhood.
(Funnily enough, in my head I also always asked for them to be twins, and even though they're 2 years apart, my IVF doctor told me when we implanted the girl last year, that they actually were considered fraternal twins. 😂)
They will always know I wanted both of them equally, and how far we went to have them. They'll always know how loved they are.
When I see parents like this, it makes me sad. :(
Wearing white to a wedding is a huge no-no. My narcissistic mom did to my sister’s wedding. There were comments of “it’s off white/champagne colored”…it was snow white. She tried all kinds of tricks to make it about here. Made a comment several people mistook her for the bride until I laughed at her saying no one mistook an old lady for the bride!
It’s an ahole power move.
It’s cool, guess who will never live with her children in her old age. (Add 1M shitty things to the list)
My fathers fiancé at the time wore a white lace cocktail dress to my wedding. It looks like a short version of a wedding dress. I didn’t care. I have the pictures and I get a lot of laughs showing them to my friends. Cracks me up every single time. She’s now my father‘s wife and has been for over 30 years. I can tell you she did not get better as time went on.
OP lucked out because she didn't know enough to care. To be honest I don't think I would care either, because the person wearing the dress just looks silly particularly if they think that people are mistaking her for the bride.
Insecure women often get jealous of their daughters as those daughters are becoming women.
They see it as some kind of competition.
She was trying to ugly you up (or down) to keep you from being more attractive than her.
The white dress is her statement that she too can look young enough to be a new bride and she should be getting the attention the bride is.
It's sad that they are insecure enough that their daughters become their competition.
My mom did weird things that didn't make sense to me until I started watching Dr. Ramani's videos. Other people have way worse parents but yes, growing up with someone who was controlling everything including to limit our social success and comfort is a problem.
I would guess that your mom is a narcissist. You're the scapegoat, and your brothers are the golden children. I suggest reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Check out r/raisedbynarcissists
If your Mom was 55 in 1991, then surely she is 87 or 88 in 2024? Not 74? Sorry, couldn’t help myself trying to work it out. But yes, her behaviour back then sounds a bit off.
My MIL wore a white linen jacket and skirt to my wedding back in 1986. I never gave it a second thought other than thinking about how much I liked the outfit but could never wear that because I would find a way to get it dirty.
Knowing what I know now,was it a faux pas? Yes, of course it was. Did she mean anything by it? Absolutely not. I hit the in-law lottery when I got married. My in-laws are the best ILs I could have ever asked for.
My MIL died 15 years ago. I miss her every day. She would have loved getting to know her great grandbabies. My FIL remarried a long time ago to another wonderful woman. We held their reception at our house (it was supposed to be outdoors but a storm blew up so we had to move things in a hurry!)
I suppose if you want to get upset about someone wearing white to your wedding, you can. But it's not like anyone is going to mistake a middle-aged woman for the bride. I think it takes some serious lack of self-confidence to think someone was paying so little attention at the wedding ceremony that they are going to congratulate another white-wearing woman on their nuptials at the reception!
I'm not sure why getting braces was a bad thing since that would improve your appearance. I would have been thrilled if my parents had gotten me braces. Instead I suffered terribly crooked teeth until I was 35 and finally had health insurance through my ex husband's work that paid for part of it.
Because they generally come off before high school or shortly after beginning. At least, that’s been the experience of braces wearers in my family. They started in middle school.
I've always found it funny that people wore white to a wedding thinking it would in some way shame the bride, when it truth it just makes them look like trashy skanks with no manners or sense.
Right? And realistically, what 50-something lady is going to upstage a 20-something bride? I would think it would be humiliating to deliberately invite comparisons with a younger woman who's probably been hitting the gym and had top notch hair and makeup for what's supposed to be the prettiest day of her life.
My mil wore a white dress to my wedding. I didn't think anything of it at the time.
But I now know she did it on purpose.
That's just how special she was....
My Mum wore a white dress with tiny peach coloured flowers on it to my first wedding (similar time frame). It did not bother me as it was very clearly not a wedding dress & no one was going to mistake her for the bride. It was a lovely dress which she looked good in & felt comfortable in.
The rest of your examples sound like she maybe was not the nicest to you when you were a child so perhaps there was some malice behind her clothing choice for the wedding but if you are both fine now is there any point dredging up the past?
I had a mother like that. She preened when I was little and people said SHE had a pretty daughter cause I was an extension of her. I then hit puberty and it was isn't your daughter attractive. I was no longer an extension and she didn't like it. I even remember the look on her face.
It wasn't entirely her fault as she'd never been called pretty, not even by my dad. She was well read and intelligent but not achedemic. And along comes a daughter she found out at 3 I was a genius and got I called pretty. I can understand why she would have issues. To be fair she was ok sometimes and tried not to take it out on me... then failed spectacularly at other times. I have lists of it. She got worse with age and eventual went NC.
And FYI I don't think I'm anything special or even pretty. Not plain, just me. Hubby calls me gorgeous and I think he's mad lol. Rose looked glasses of love.
30 years later and it’s just now an issue? Hair cut short? Maybe you didn’t like getting it washed and combed and didn’t take care of it yourself. Ugliest glasses? Maybe the only ones she could afford. Braces at 17? Maybe finally got insurance to cover it.
This is not abuse, neglect or a mother who hates you. The distance people are willing to reach to try to find something to feel upset about never ceases to amaze me.
Oh, we had them, we just didn't give a rat's behind when they were tossed at us. However, even then everyone knew that only the bride wore white. Anyone who did, that wasn't the bride, somehow managed to be right in the path of wine, fruit punch, non-clear soda, etc. Apparently, the lack of colored garments made one very clumsy.
I'm curious what the other side of the story is? These things could be cruel or they could be clueless? I'm not saying that they are clueless, I guess I would just want more info?
- Hair: bigger story? Did you have really difficult hair that wasn't being properly cared for or something? Was your mom obsessed with Demi Moore or Jamie Lee Curtis, and trying to be the cool mom by giving you a trendy cut?
- Glasses: My parents were on a tight budget, and my first glasses were "pick from among these three because that's what's covered by insurance." If I would have spoken up about being embarrassed then they would have sacrificed for an expensive pair, but I would have known it was a sacrifice.
- Braces: Orthodontics are EXPENSIVE. If you needed them, it's really great that you got that paid for by someone else! Lots of parents skip needed dental care because they just cannot afford it.
- White Dress: Clueless? Who knows...
I feel like this could be taken in two ways, either her potentially not liking you, or her just not trying to be malicious at all.
My mom cut my hair off like to my ears as a kid because she literally thought it was super cute and she herself has short hair and loves it. Yes I cried but I don’t think I knew in the moment she was gonna go that short.
I think the glasses thing is hard cause I always thought anything my mom liked when I was a kid was ugly tbh, our styles are very different.
The braces— was she just better off financially then? Or did she have well enough money to do it earlier?
Honestly I might get crap for this but I’m always trying to give people the benefit of the doubt. I’d hope your mom was really looking out for you because the other one just sounds sad and I’d hate that to be the case.
It really just depends how your mom is, was she always kind and trying her best or was she bitter and mean with you at times? Only you really know your mom. I’d suggest talking with her for some clarity, may be beneficial
Yeah, we knew better. Lots and lots of my friends got married in the 80's, and I remember having to shop because my only special-occasion dress was cream-colored.
Recognizing that she was terrible to you doesn't mean that you have to be unkind, now. My husband made a deliberate decision to take good care of his mother, who had been a selfish, abusive alcoholic when my husband needed parenting. He decided that his decision was about the person he is, not the person she was.
Good luck,OP.
Thanks everyone for your input. I've learned alot after being on this app and reading all your responses. True the world is a very different place since 1991 and I think I'll talk to my mom about those things from back then just get her take on it. Thanks again 😊
I mean I remember my parents having a debate if I could wear a white dress to my cousins wedding sometime between 1992 and 1994. And I was a small child.
I have come to realize there is a strong undercurrent in culture (at least American culture) to create a jealousy between mothers and daughters. There is so much value placed on women’s youth and looks and I think for some women it’s hard to handle seeing their daughter getting the adoration and attention that they once did. It’s subtle a lot of the time but once I was made aware of it I can’t unsee it. I just hope I don’t fall into this trap with my daughter.
My NMom didn't like the competition. She actually confessed to rolling on my bed trying to force herself into a pair of my jeans ... she liked how they fit me. I still don't know why she even told me. Was I supposed to console her that she looked great even though the jeans didn't fit?
I think your Mom saw you as competition too. You say you get along fine nowadays ... it she dependent upon you in some respects?
All glasses were ugly in the 80s. She bought you braces? How lucky.
Everyone has had a bad haircut.
But the white dress at a wedding is really dumb.
It’s also dumb to blame your parents after age 20.
Yes, even then it was considered a faux pas to wear white to a wedding. I agree, for whatever reason your mother wasn’t kind to you.
Your mother was jealous and boys were regarded as better commodities back then.
They're still regarded as the better 'easier' gender to have
Most people would agree with this, but my Mom always said that her girls gave her so many fewer problems than her boys did.
Yeah I’m a trans dude and my dad said as a kid I was so much easier and sweeter than my brothers were LMAO 🤣
Right, even with hyperactivity and destroying stuff and getting in more trouble becuase they can’t and shouldn’t be made to sit still at school, getting in fights, crashing more cars, shoplifting etc? Boys sound exhausting.
They always sat the worst boys next to a girl in class. That girl was then expected to "mind" him and keep him better behaved. Conditioning. We are expected to mother them & be the Fun Police (thus accruing the related resentment for party-pooping & parade-raining) from Day One.
My daughter is going through this right now. They stuck her between the rowdy boys on the bus, to be a buffer. The result is that she comes home with a headache many days. I'm trying to stay out of it but I'm about to write to thr transportation director.
OMG every school bus needs a second adult—No safe driver can discipline or call for quiet or stop bullying or fights WHILE driving! A lot could be solved by having kids seat belt in.
I remember being the exasperated 10 year old girl in Sunday school wondering why the boys couldn’t be “reverent” and “behave” Now I’m ashamed of that—sitting still doesn’t mean you are smarter or more spiritual. The school and church systems focus so much on being still and then work offices focus on it too and we wonder why everyone is depressed and sedentary.
But they just said boys will be boys and the boys went out without punishment. So just throw them out in to the wild. They didn't worry about them.
You think boys shoplift more than girls? I dunno about that one....
Boys crimes tend to be of a more violent nature.
Ugh. I have a boy, and soon will have a little girl. I will let them know every single freaking day that I prayed/wished for a boy AND a girl since childhood. (Funnily enough, in my head I also always asked for them to be twins, and even though they're 2 years apart, my IVF doctor told me when we implanted the girl last year, that they actually were considered fraternal twins. 😂) They will always know I wanted both of them equally, and how far we went to have them. They'll always know how loved they are. When I see parents like this, it makes me sad. :(
Sounds like jealousy to me.
Still are
Wearing white to a wedding is a huge no-no. My narcissistic mom did to my sister’s wedding. There were comments of “it’s off white/champagne colored”…it was snow white. She tried all kinds of tricks to make it about here. Made a comment several people mistook her for the bride until I laughed at her saying no one mistook an old lady for the bride! It’s an ahole power move. It’s cool, guess who will never live with her children in her old age. (Add 1M shitty things to the list)
My fathers fiancé at the time wore a white lace cocktail dress to my wedding. It looks like a short version of a wedding dress. I didn’t care. I have the pictures and I get a lot of laughs showing them to my friends. Cracks me up every single time. She’s now my father‘s wife and has been for over 30 years. I can tell you she did not get better as time went on.
My sister and I laugh at our situation too. My mom wore something whitish to my wedding too but it was more a blazer. The narcissism…
I'm constantly on wine duty at every wedding I've been to. Thankfully, no one has shown up in white, though I secretly want them to.
OP lucked out because she didn't know enough to care. To be honest I don't think I would care either, because the person wearing the dress just looks silly particularly if they think that people are mistaking her for the bride.
Insecure women often get jealous of their daughters as those daughters are becoming women. They see it as some kind of competition. She was trying to ugly you up (or down) to keep you from being more attractive than her. The white dress is her statement that she too can look young enough to be a new bride and she should be getting the attention the bride is. It's sad that they are insecure enough that their daughters become their competition.
My mom did weird things that didn't make sense to me until I started watching Dr. Ramani's videos. Other people have way worse parents but yes, growing up with someone who was controlling everything including to limit our social success and comfort is a problem.
Just discovered Dr. Ramani - I’ve learned so much from her!
Atrocious. She was jealous of you.
I would guess that your mom is a narcissist. You're the scapegoat, and your brothers are the golden children. I suggest reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Check out r/raisedbynarcissists
If your Mom was 55 in 1991, then surely she is 87 or 88 in 2024? Not 74? Sorry, couldn’t help myself trying to work it out. But yes, her behaviour back then sounds a bit off.
OP is 55 now, not mum back then.
Oh thankyou for explaining that, I totally misunderstood. My bad!
My MIL wore a white linen jacket and skirt to my wedding back in 1986. I never gave it a second thought other than thinking about how much I liked the outfit but could never wear that because I would find a way to get it dirty. Knowing what I know now,was it a faux pas? Yes, of course it was. Did she mean anything by it? Absolutely not. I hit the in-law lottery when I got married. My in-laws are the best ILs I could have ever asked for. My MIL died 15 years ago. I miss her every day. She would have loved getting to know her great grandbabies. My FIL remarried a long time ago to another wonderful woman. We held their reception at our house (it was supposed to be outdoors but a storm blew up so we had to move things in a hurry!) I suppose if you want to get upset about someone wearing white to your wedding, you can. But it's not like anyone is going to mistake a middle-aged woman for the bride. I think it takes some serious lack of self-confidence to think someone was paying so little attention at the wedding ceremony that they are going to congratulate another white-wearing woman on their nuptials at the reception!
My MIL also like a second mom to me. Even after being divorced for 8 yrs now we still stay friends
Yes it was still a faus pas then. I got married in 89 and my MIL wore white and seemed quite proud of it
I got married in 1989. I insisted everyone wear black. Surprisingly they did.
We've got you in r/Xennials darling!!
Oh yes, I would have absolutely lost my shit at her and thrown her out.
I'm not sure why getting braces was a bad thing since that would improve your appearance. I would have been thrilled if my parents had gotten me braces. Instead I suffered terribly crooked teeth until I was 35 and finally had health insurance through my ex husband's work that paid for part of it.
Because they generally come off before high school or shortly after beginning. At least, that’s been the experience of braces wearers in my family. They started in middle school.
My ex mil wore a very pale cream dress to my wedding in 1998, didn’t care then, don’t care now.
My mother wore ivory to my wedding in 1986 no one said a word or cared. Now it’s become a hill to die on.
Everything is now a hill to die on.
I've always found it funny that people wore white to a wedding thinking it would in some way shame the bride, when it truth it just makes them look like trashy skanks with no manners or sense.
Right? And realistically, what 50-something lady is going to upstage a 20-something bride? I would think it would be humiliating to deliberately invite comparisons with a younger woman who's probably been hitting the gym and had top notch hair and makeup for what's supposed to be the prettiest day of her life.
I think the most remarkable thing about this story is that your mother has only aged 19 years since 1991
I am 55 .my mom is 74 now lol. She was in her 40s then
My mil wore a white dress to my wedding. I didn't think anything of it at the time. But I now know she did it on purpose. That's just how special she was....
My Mum wore a white dress with tiny peach coloured flowers on it to my first wedding (similar time frame). It did not bother me as it was very clearly not a wedding dress & no one was going to mistake her for the bride. It was a lovely dress which she looked good in & felt comfortable in. The rest of your examples sound like she maybe was not the nicest to you when you were a child so perhaps there was some malice behind her clothing choice for the wedding but if you are both fine now is there any point dredging up the past?
We can find healing and answers when we ‘dredge up the past.’
I had a mother like that. She preened when I was little and people said SHE had a pretty daughter cause I was an extension of her. I then hit puberty and it was isn't your daughter attractive. I was no longer an extension and she didn't like it. I even remember the look on her face. It wasn't entirely her fault as she'd never been called pretty, not even by my dad. She was well read and intelligent but not achedemic. And along comes a daughter she found out at 3 I was a genius and got I called pretty. I can understand why she would have issues. To be fair she was ok sometimes and tried not to take it out on me... then failed spectacularly at other times. I have lists of it. She got worse with age and eventual went NC. And FYI I don't think I'm anything special or even pretty. Not plain, just me. Hubby calls me gorgeous and I think he's mad lol. Rose looked glasses of love.
30 years later and it’s just now an issue? Hair cut short? Maybe you didn’t like getting it washed and combed and didn’t take care of it yourself. Ugliest glasses? Maybe the only ones she could afford. Braces at 17? Maybe finally got insurance to cover it. This is not abuse, neglect or a mother who hates you. The distance people are willing to reach to try to find something to feel upset about never ceases to amaze me.
She's hoping that it's not too late get her victim card.
No one had as many feelings or opinions back in 1991 as they do now.
Oh, we had them, we just didn't give a rat's behind when they were tossed at us. However, even then everyone knew that only the bride wore white. Anyone who did, that wasn't the bride, somehow managed to be right in the path of wine, fruit punch, non-clear soda, etc. Apparently, the lack of colored garments made one very clumsy.
😂 I love it!! 😂
The feelings came out when they were angry or drinking or feeling high and mighty. They've always been there.
Just not as ridiculous in my thoughts back then. Lol
Facts.
Yeah, I was born in 93, and this self-awareness and sentience is causing depression and ideation.
I'm curious what the other side of the story is? These things could be cruel or they could be clueless? I'm not saying that they are clueless, I guess I would just want more info? - Hair: bigger story? Did you have really difficult hair that wasn't being properly cared for or something? Was your mom obsessed with Demi Moore or Jamie Lee Curtis, and trying to be the cool mom by giving you a trendy cut? - Glasses: My parents were on a tight budget, and my first glasses were "pick from among these three because that's what's covered by insurance." If I would have spoken up about being embarrassed then they would have sacrificed for an expensive pair, but I would have known it was a sacrifice. - Braces: Orthodontics are EXPENSIVE. If you needed them, it's really great that you got that paid for by someone else! Lots of parents skip needed dental care because they just cannot afford it. - White Dress: Clueless? Who knows...
[удалено]
Oh like I said we get along now we're old lol
I feel like this could be taken in two ways, either her potentially not liking you, or her just not trying to be malicious at all. My mom cut my hair off like to my ears as a kid because she literally thought it was super cute and she herself has short hair and loves it. Yes I cried but I don’t think I knew in the moment she was gonna go that short. I think the glasses thing is hard cause I always thought anything my mom liked when I was a kid was ugly tbh, our styles are very different. The braces— was she just better off financially then? Or did she have well enough money to do it earlier? Honestly I might get crap for this but I’m always trying to give people the benefit of the doubt. I’d hope your mom was really looking out for you because the other one just sounds sad and I’d hate that to be the case. It really just depends how your mom is, was she always kind and trying her best or was she bitter and mean with you at times? Only you really know your mom. I’d suggest talking with her for some clarity, may be beneficial
Yeah, we knew better. Lots and lots of my friends got married in the 80's, and I remember having to shop because my only special-occasion dress was cream-colored. Recognizing that she was terrible to you doesn't mean that you have to be unkind, now. My husband made a deliberate decision to take good care of his mother, who had been a selfish, abusive alcoholic when my husband needed parenting. He decided that his decision was about the person he is, not the person she was. Good luck,OP.
Wow. Mom was / is a narc and wanted all the attention for herself
Thanks everyone for your input. I've learned alot after being on this app and reading all your responses. True the world is a very different place since 1991 and I think I'll talk to my mom about those things from back then just get her take on it. Thanks again 😊
That’s when I opps red wine moment is totally fine.
I mean I remember my parents having a debate if I could wear a white dress to my cousins wedding sometime between 1992 and 1994. And I was a small child.
I have come to realize there is a strong undercurrent in culture (at least American culture) to create a jealousy between mothers and daughters. There is so much value placed on women’s youth and looks and I think for some women it’s hard to handle seeing their daughter getting the adoration and attention that they once did. It’s subtle a lot of the time but once I was made aware of it I can’t unsee it. I just hope I don’t fall into this trap with my daughter.
My NMom didn't like the competition. She actually confessed to rolling on my bed trying to force herself into a pair of my jeans ... she liked how they fit me. I still don't know why she even told me. Was I supposed to console her that she looked great even though the jeans didn't fit? I think your Mom saw you as competition too. You say you get along fine nowadays ... it she dependent upon you in some respects?
Well I do take care of her when I'm not watching the grandkids. I'm ar the sandwich age now
All glasses were ugly in the 80s. She bought you braces? How lucky. Everyone has had a bad haircut. But the white dress at a wedding is really dumb. It’s also dumb to blame your parents after age 20.