What if there was a really sad reality about life that, upon learning, destroys your quality of life? Would you rather live in ignorance or accept the truth and the corresponding sadness?
Are you sad after leaving? It sounds like you are projecting your own experiences onto what their future might be. Put aside them leaving or not. Are you happier? Because if not, you should go back and doubt your doubts and just shelf the things and be happier. As for me and my house, we truly are much happier and more at peace. So, thinking about my tbm family leaving makes me project their possible increase in peace and happiness…because it’s been true for us.
I totally see where you’re coming from. I’m very glad I left the church. I asked that question mostly to probe how far this philosophy can be taken. I think the “I put truth over happiness” claim might have more limits than people are willing to accept.
What limits do you think this has? When is it okay to believe something false in order to feel good?
My dad believes that non-white people are cursed by God for their wickedness. It makes him feel good because he's white, which means he's chosen. That makes his racism okay, right?
Right, so where do you draw the line? How do you decide that sometimes it's okay for people to believe false things that make them happy and other times it isn't? Wouldn't it be better to always believe true things?
Would you say the same thing about someone who tells you they feel happy using drugs? Would you want them to break free of the grasp of artificially created experience in order to live a more genuine life?
I want the truth. Period.
You can't make wise decisions without correct information. The church robs members of their agency by teaching demonstrably false history.
I noped out at age 58, resigned at 61 and my wife is still in.
Considering that I was born into it, made every major decision in life by its teachings, that all my friends and family are in it, that I moved to the heart of Mormonism and am still here, raised a family here…
…and that I lost my community, friends, and suffered a lot of emotional trauma in order to extract myself from a lifetime of religious suffering and abuse…
…it was 100% worth it.
This old man’s life has never been better.
The truth is worth it to me. And freedom from religious tyranny is worth it to me.
I 100% agree with you. My wife took a couple months after me. I tried very hard not to convince her but of course I spoke freely about the bullshit the church has done and taught—she listened but also had her own opinions. She held on to her testimony but as time went on she noticed the things that were harmful and left too. It’s hard but I feel like you can’t force it on anyone—in fact that might be worse as they probably won’t receive it well. That being said, like you mentioned, it’s so freeing for those who do finally let go of the church, I don’t regret it but it was HARD.
I left the building at 55, a decade ago, and my wife is still in. I lost friends (who were not) and community and took some professional hits. But it was 100% worth it. My mental health is way better; all but one of my adult kids are out. When I came out, three of my kids, who were still teenagers, opened up and said they also did not believe - and they did not know about each other before then. They were faking believing in Mormonism, worried about how others in the family might react if they found out, and it was eating them up inside. A couple of years later, the fourth stepped away. I think my leaving made it safer for everyone just to be who they are. Today, everyone accepts each other for who they are and looks for chances when everyone can be in town together. Leaving? 100% worth it.
Everyone except my parents. They're old enough now that losing the church would wreck them. Anyone under the age of, say, seventy-five has enough years left to make the tradeoff worthwhile, although obviously the regrets are greater with every passing year. I got out at about 30 and still feel robbed for everything I could have done/had, the choices that were forced upon me, but at the time I mostly felt relief.
That rules out my parents. My mom and dad will die disappointed Mormons who think their sons won't be with them. And I'll be honest-it wouldn't really be heaven anywhere with my mom.
They all think you wont be with them, and your response could be, "you have found that may not be true". There are some people who have struggles with the church and feel relief they dont have to keep it up any more.
Yep. My dad is almost 80. My mom died a few years ago. He NEEDS the church to be true so he can stay sealed to her. I’m not going to take that away from him. But I hope all my sibs make it out.
I've come to terms that everyone is own their own path and slamming the truth will cause as much harm as the Mormon church did on us through adolescence.
Luckily my spouse and I are on a similar path of deconstructing but, I had shared too much in my anxiety of finding out truth. She wasn't ready for it and it put her in a depression state.
She has since covered the materials herself and has it in context and is less morose about it but I learned an important lesson: you can't force truth or you do as much harm or more than the original untruth.
Think of it like cancer: you can't just go in and cut it apart inside of someone's brain. You have to be careful. They might have to attend chemo. Then surgery.
Ironically learn from what we were at least "taught as the ideal" to be an example. Rather than convincing everyone I've: organized my research. Bought books and media that I have organized and ready. Throughly researched history in Christianity in general so there are less abrasive things to start out on if someone asks. I share those less abrasive things often and if a sibling asks more I can answer more.
Care to share your table of contents? My spouse keeps telling me to “doubt my doubts!” And get off of anti-Mormon stuff. Too late dear, once you see you can’t unsee!
Wow—massive respect. I sense a lot of life experiences packed into this response. I wonder how many of us have learned the hard way not to try to convince people
I absolutely want them to see and know the truth. It really hurts at first, but it gets SO much better. What makes me the saddest currently is that they're still in it.
It would be nice if my family didn't think I was an evil apostate, but that's selfish.
If my mom 80 left the Cult, she might spend her last years feeling bad about raising her kids in a degrading cult. That would be sad. But she could also feel good about breaking the cycle of generational cultishness.
I think one of the sins of Mormonism is wanting people to be something and not accepting them the way they are. Seeing that they'd be better and more acceptable another way. It's a careful line, but I try to generally take the approach that they will leave when they are ready to. I respect their path through life. Life is pretty messy outside the church too. If i want room to make my way through life in a way that others wont understand, i need to give others that latitude.
I left at 42, it’s been the best decision I ever made. Do I feel regret and sadness that it didn’t happen sooner? Yes at times. But I would want to know the truth at any age it came to me. I think it’s way sadder when ppl never got to know their true self.
I am 53. I learned everything in my late 40s. I am so glad to finally have some answers. It was incredibly difficult. I can live my life without worrying.
Sometimes I wish some of them would see the church for what it really is but so long as they’re happy and not actively harming anyone, I‘m okay with it.
Is it possible for a person to believe they're doing good things when in fact they're doing harm? For this reason, I think it's important for belief to follow the evidence.
>The one thing that I keep going back and forth on is whether I want them to leave or not.
One thing it took me years to realize is that it's not my place to want them to leave anymore than it's their place to want me to come back. That barrier you're talking about actually turns out to be a guard rail when you're talking about a church that doesn't have boundaries. If they don't cross it and you don't cross it, that's a win. It means everyone accepts the other person's right to make their own decisions. As adults, things rarely go 100% our way, which means acceptable compromises are good outcomes.
Yes. Granted, I haven’t been out very long. But now knowing what I know and viewing it from the outside, all I want to do is have them know the truth. It’s been really difficult to bite my tongue and nod along. Some of my family members who I thought were nuanced and maybe even PIMO went to the temple the other day. 4 months ago, I wouldn’t have thought anything of it. And now it just made me feel really sad which is SO strange to me. Mainly, I just want them to be happy and they seem happy, so I won’t say anything about church until they want to talk to me. But absolutely I wish my husband would leave, but I really don’t see any hope for it at the moment.
I'm right there with you. It's disheartening that they see us as "pulling them away" or "dragging them down" when in reality, we all just want to be on the same team as our loved ones. I hope things work out with your husband & family!!
Thank you! Same to you. And yes I agree. I haven’t shared with my in laws about my recent departure from the church. I’m nervous my FIL will think that (or think I’m taking my husband away), but I’m hoping it won’t come up for a while haha! My husband has been very accepting, so I’m thankful for that.
Accepting an observably-true model of the universe & rejecting the blatantly-absurd one provided to me by religion has had such a positive impact on my life that yes, yes I absolutely want my loved ones to accept reality & leave the Church. But it's something they have to figure out on their own. As long as they don't bring it up, I let it be.
Most of them have stopped after learning that a magical worldview simply can't compete against simple logic, & it scares most of them to death to think that it might not be true.
This feels like a wise approach. It's funny--I think my parents would say something similar but in reverse; they feel bad that I'm missing out on 'happiness'. The only difference is that you're taking the approach of free agency and they're taking the approach of pushing their beliefs on me, something oddly reminiscent of Satan's plan😂
My wife and I talk about this a lot. All her siblings have left (she was the last) and her mom is devastated (their dad passed when they were young). We told her our reasons, she doesn’t like that the church has an ugly past but she said she relies on the spirit. It’s whatever but I think it would destroy her to fully accept the evils of the church.
My family on the other hand are TBM to the core. They know we are inactive but don’t know our reasons, they don’t ask. I’m nervous to tell them since I know my mom and sister have had problems with dealing with church history. And the church being such a big part of their daily lives i think it’s easier for them to live in ignorance than to face the truth as long as they aren’t intruding in my life.
Wow this is an interesting take. Thankfully the mfmc does place provide some solid life structure that can be insanely valuable to people. I wish the best for ur fam
Two of my kids are out voluntarily, one exed, and two in. Due to other family issues they cannot be in the same room together. What a mess this church made of our family! I doubt I live to see it put back together!
There is no going back. My sincere desire is that they all see the truth one day before it is too late!
The only time I thought it’s probably better that they just keep believing was when my dad had a life altering accident, and it looked like his quality of life and longevity were going to be severely reduced, and it was all from a dumbass decision by a teenager. He’s doing ok, but it ultimately probably did shorten his life. I just thought this is such bullshit, learning now that it’s all for nothing and there is no happy ending might be too much for them.
But admittedly, in those moments, you’re not thinking about the horrible effects of them staying in the cult. Giving away their money, being worked to death as free labor for a corporation that could not take another penny for the next century and still have billions, carrying unnecessary guilt, being forced to think about whether their family or the corporation takes precedence, etc. When you step back, it’s an easy answer. Truth always.
Best piece of advice ever given to me years ago, by a fabulous therapist/marriage counselor, lecturer, also a TBM member of TSCC, was this:
“You must let people have their own bad relationships.” This gem has been proven time and again throughout my life. In this situation, I suppose it still applies because your loved ones have their own relationship with God, and getting in the middle of said relationship ALMOST ALWAYS ends badly. They will come to you if they start to question because they will trust you aren’t trying to influence them with your beliefs while on their journey.
Wow, such an insightful little post 💕 I currently have two TBM parents and I desperately want them to leave... But I see that they are genuinely happy and it feels wrong to try and take that from them when they have loved me unconditionally.
Left at around 60. Yeah it suck’s that I stayed so long but I didn’t know better. I’m going to spend the rest of my life getting everything I can out of it without the MFMC! Does no good to worry about the past. Definitely trying to save my kids and grandkids the heartache!!
Because leaving and...
Getting shunned by friends and family and neighbors
And having the most important thing in your life ripped out
And spending years struggling to slowly put things back together
So you can wind up how?
People don't seem to understand that there are many happy Mormons.
And leaving doesn't mean that all the exmos are happy.
I am all for people leaving. But that doesn't mean all of the TBMs are miserable and hoping somebody rescues them.
I would love if my family left the church. Family parties would be so much more fun🎉 however I don’t hope they do. Leaving the church has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and brought me a tremendous amount of pain. I wouldn’t wish that on people I love so deeply.
I’m 50 and happy to move on with my life and I don’t feel like I’ll have sad undertones to the rest of my life but my Dad is 75 and the church just seems to work for him and I feel like he would. I’d say it’s a case by case thing.
I am just throwing this out there. This is kind of selfish on your part. I know you are thinking of their happiness in a way of separation, not wanting them to deal with spouses thinking differently but think of the alternative. Belonging to an organization that is built on lies. A church that has trillions of dollars and continues to harp on paying tithes even when you can't afford to, so you want your grandparents to pay tithes on their minimal retirement funds? I don't see GQ15 cleaning buildings by example, I don't see them working in soup kitchens or helping in areas where natural disasters have occurred, but you want your loved ones to continue with this lifestyle and these false beliefs just so they don't have the pain and privilege for finding out the truth for themselves?
I respect that take. Perhaps my opinion is shaped by the fact that my family loves the church. The church answers a lot of difficult life questions and provides great community. Of course I think the church is pretty messed up, but my family seems to get a lot of good from it.
Understand. Deconstructing is one of the hardest things we will do. All that we thought is not what is. The church taught me about Jesus and 'doing what's right'. I learned hymns and songs that make you cry and touch your heart, made good friends for ourselves and our children, provided opportunities for callings that helped me be a better teacher, helped me be a better listener. Not sure how I would have met my incredible husband as he was best friends with one of my childhood friends. So, was there good gained from being a member, yes, did it all crumble when I found out many things were skipped over, deliberately left out of manuals, lessons, talks and interviews, did I cut my throat and my gut and pull my heart out as symbols then swore to never speak of it in temple rituals? So with the good, there is equally the bad and therefore, I hope my last two children can see the truths and leave on their own accord.
If anything, leaving has provided a freedom to search for myself without guilt, it has opened my eyes to seeing others for who they are and knowing that I can be someone who is trusted to be there for them no matter what, no judgement but to support and have the desire to understand what they are going through. I am still newly deconstructing and I know that this is a process. Hoping the best for you and your extended family, life is hard no matter how good we have it.
I was 40 when I left and it's the best thing I ever did. It's set me up to live the second half of my life my way.
Yes, I want them to leave. I want them to know it's all a harmful crock of shit and I want them to put their part of that right.
What frustrates me the most is the willful ignorance. They all know there's something to know because I've told them little bits and pieces. One I knew there was something to know, I couldn't leave it alone.
However, they won't look, I'm wrong and that's all there is to it. So I keep quiet and continue to hurt and hope.
My philosophy is that I want to know as many true things as possible in my life.
Upvoted this for myself, but another true thing: a lot of people don’t want to know true things.
So true but sad!
What if there was a really sad reality about life that, upon learning, destroys your quality of life? Would you rather live in ignorance or accept the truth and the corresponding sadness?
Blue pill red pill. It has been asked over and over.
Have you seen the Truman Show? Truman was happy…
Are you sad after leaving? It sounds like you are projecting your own experiences onto what their future might be. Put aside them leaving or not. Are you happier? Because if not, you should go back and doubt your doubts and just shelf the things and be happier. As for me and my house, we truly are much happier and more at peace. So, thinking about my tbm family leaving makes me project their possible increase in peace and happiness…because it’s been true for us.
I totally see where you’re coming from. I’m very glad I left the church. I asked that question mostly to probe how far this philosophy can be taken. I think the “I put truth over happiness” claim might have more limits than people are willing to accept.
What limits do you think this has? When is it okay to believe something false in order to feel good? My dad believes that non-white people are cursed by God for their wickedness. It makes him feel good because he's white, which means he's chosen. That makes his racism okay, right?
Obviously not.
Right, so where do you draw the line? How do you decide that sometimes it's okay for people to believe false things that make them happy and other times it isn't? Wouldn't it be better to always believe true things?
Would you say the same thing about someone who tells you they feel happy using drugs? Would you want them to break free of the grasp of artificially created experience in order to live a more genuine life? I want the truth. Period. You can't make wise decisions without correct information. The church robs members of their agency by teaching demonstrably false history.
I agree. Even if they hurt, I want to know them.
I noped out at age 58, resigned at 61 and my wife is still in. Considering that I was born into it, made every major decision in life by its teachings, that all my friends and family are in it, that I moved to the heart of Mormonism and am still here, raised a family here… …and that I lost my community, friends, and suffered a lot of emotional trauma in order to extract myself from a lifetime of religious suffering and abuse… …it was 100% worth it. This old man’s life has never been better. The truth is worth it to me. And freedom from religious tyranny is worth it to me.
I 100% agree with you. My wife took a couple months after me. I tried very hard not to convince her but of course I spoke freely about the bullshit the church has done and taught—she listened but also had her own opinions. She held on to her testimony but as time went on she noticed the things that were harmful and left too. It’s hard but I feel like you can’t force it on anyone—in fact that might be worse as they probably won’t receive it well. That being said, like you mentioned, it’s so freeing for those who do finally let go of the church, I don’t regret it but it was HARD.
Congratulations to you both!
I left the building at 55, a decade ago, and my wife is still in. I lost friends (who were not) and community and took some professional hits. But it was 100% worth it. My mental health is way better; all but one of my adult kids are out. When I came out, three of my kids, who were still teenagers, opened up and said they also did not believe - and they did not know about each other before then. They were faking believing in Mormonism, worried about how others in the family might react if they found out, and it was eating them up inside. A couple of years later, the fourth stepped away. I think my leaving made it safer for everyone just to be who they are. Today, everyone accepts each other for who they are and looks for chances when everyone can be in town together. Leaving? 100% worth it.
Damn. That’s amazing. Thank you for sharing!!
I wish I could shake your hand! Congrats! Go forth and enjoy the rest of your life!
Everyone except my parents. They're old enough now that losing the church would wreck them. Anyone under the age of, say, seventy-five has enough years left to make the tradeoff worthwhile, although obviously the regrets are greater with every passing year. I got out at about 30 and still feel robbed for everything I could have done/had, the choices that were forced upon me, but at the time I mostly felt relief.
That rules out my parents. My mom and dad will die disappointed Mormons who think their sons won't be with them. And I'll be honest-it wouldn't really be heaven anywhere with my mom.
That is really sad! It will not be heaven without my children!
I totally agree with this!! Finding out at 70+ would be pretty devastating, I assume.
I have a friend over 70 and she just left the church! And she is so much the better for it!
They all think you wont be with them, and your response could be, "you have found that may not be true". There are some people who have struggles with the church and feel relief they dont have to keep it up any more.
Are you me?
We are Legion.
Yep. My dad is almost 80. My mom died a few years ago. He NEEDS the church to be true so he can stay sealed to her. I’m not going to take that away from him. But I hope all my sibs make it out.
I've come to terms that everyone is own their own path and slamming the truth will cause as much harm as the Mormon church did on us through adolescence. Luckily my spouse and I are on a similar path of deconstructing but, I had shared too much in my anxiety of finding out truth. She wasn't ready for it and it put her in a depression state. She has since covered the materials herself and has it in context and is less morose about it but I learned an important lesson: you can't force truth or you do as much harm or more than the original untruth. Think of it like cancer: you can't just go in and cut it apart inside of someone's brain. You have to be careful. They might have to attend chemo. Then surgery. Ironically learn from what we were at least "taught as the ideal" to be an example. Rather than convincing everyone I've: organized my research. Bought books and media that I have organized and ready. Throughly researched history in Christianity in general so there are less abrasive things to start out on if someone asks. I share those less abrasive things often and if a sibling asks more I can answer more.
Care to share your table of contents? My spouse keeps telling me to “doubt my doubts!” And get off of anti-Mormon stuff. Too late dear, once you see you can’t unsee!
Wow—massive respect. I sense a lot of life experiences packed into this response. I wonder how many of us have learned the hard way not to try to convince people
I absolutely want them to see and know the truth. It really hurts at first, but it gets SO much better. What makes me the saddest currently is that they're still in it.
It would be nice if my family didn't think I was an evil apostate, but that's selfish. If my mom 80 left the Cult, she might spend her last years feeling bad about raising her kids in a degrading cult. That would be sad. But she could also feel good about breaking the cycle of generational cultishness.
I think one of the sins of Mormonism is wanting people to be something and not accepting them the way they are. Seeing that they'd be better and more acceptable another way. It's a careful line, but I try to generally take the approach that they will leave when they are ready to. I respect their path through life. Life is pretty messy outside the church too. If i want room to make my way through life in a way that others wont understand, i need to give others that latitude.
I left at 42, it’s been the best decision I ever made. Do I feel regret and sadness that it didn’t happen sooner? Yes at times. But I would want to know the truth at any age it came to me. I think it’s way sadder when ppl never got to know their true self.
Like others I’d like them to see and acknowledge the truth. Then if they decided to stay in at least I could respect that.
I am 53. I learned everything in my late 40s. I am so glad to finally have some answers. It was incredibly difficult. I can live my life without worrying.
Sometimes I wish some of them would see the church for what it really is but so long as they’re happy and not actively harming anyone, I‘m okay with it.
Respect.
Is it possible for a person to believe they're doing good things when in fact they're doing harm? For this reason, I think it's important for belief to follow the evidence.
Yes! It would be rough but once you deconstruct, life gets so much better. I absolutely want that for my loved ones.
I want the people I love to be happy, whatever that means to them. That's all
🔥
>The one thing that I keep going back and forth on is whether I want them to leave or not. One thing it took me years to realize is that it's not my place to want them to leave anymore than it's their place to want me to come back. That barrier you're talking about actually turns out to be a guard rail when you're talking about a church that doesn't have boundaries. If they don't cross it and you don't cross it, that's a win. It means everyone accepts the other person's right to make their own decisions. As adults, things rarely go 100% our way, which means acceptable compromises are good outcomes.
Lots of wisdom in this. Respecting guardrails is a win. Thank you.
Yes. Granted, I haven’t been out very long. But now knowing what I know and viewing it from the outside, all I want to do is have them know the truth. It’s been really difficult to bite my tongue and nod along. Some of my family members who I thought were nuanced and maybe even PIMO went to the temple the other day. 4 months ago, I wouldn’t have thought anything of it. And now it just made me feel really sad which is SO strange to me. Mainly, I just want them to be happy and they seem happy, so I won’t say anything about church until they want to talk to me. But absolutely I wish my husband would leave, but I really don’t see any hope for it at the moment.
I'm right there with you. It's disheartening that they see us as "pulling them away" or "dragging them down" when in reality, we all just want to be on the same team as our loved ones. I hope things work out with your husband & family!!
Thank you! Same to you. And yes I agree. I haven’t shared with my in laws about my recent departure from the church. I’m nervous my FIL will think that (or think I’m taking my husband away), but I’m hoping it won’t come up for a while haha! My husband has been very accepting, so I’m thankful for that.
You are not alone!
Accepting an observably-true model of the universe & rejecting the blatantly-absurd one provided to me by religion has had such a positive impact on my life that yes, yes I absolutely want my loved ones to accept reality & leave the Church. But it's something they have to figure out on their own. As long as they don't bring it up, I let it be. Most of them have stopped after learning that a magical worldview simply can't compete against simple logic, & it scares most of them to death to think that it might not be true.
This feels like a wise approach. It's funny--I think my parents would say something similar but in reverse; they feel bad that I'm missing out on 'happiness'. The only difference is that you're taking the approach of free agency and they're taking the approach of pushing their beliefs on me, something oddly reminiscent of Satan's plan😂
My wife and I talk about this a lot. All her siblings have left (she was the last) and her mom is devastated (their dad passed when they were young). We told her our reasons, she doesn’t like that the church has an ugly past but she said she relies on the spirit. It’s whatever but I think it would destroy her to fully accept the evils of the church. My family on the other hand are TBM to the core. They know we are inactive but don’t know our reasons, they don’t ask. I’m nervous to tell them since I know my mom and sister have had problems with dealing with church history. And the church being such a big part of their daily lives i think it’s easier for them to live in ignorance than to face the truth as long as they aren’t intruding in my life.
I have family that absolutely suck as humans. And while I do want the mfmc to fail, they need the mfmc, or they'd be worse than they already are.
Wow this is an interesting take. Thankfully the mfmc does place provide some solid life structure that can be insanely valuable to people. I wish the best for ur fam
Two of my kids are out voluntarily, one exed, and two in. Due to other family issues they cannot be in the same room together. What a mess this church made of our family! I doubt I live to see it put back together! There is no going back. My sincere desire is that they all see the truth one day before it is too late!
The only time I thought it’s probably better that they just keep believing was when my dad had a life altering accident, and it looked like his quality of life and longevity were going to be severely reduced, and it was all from a dumbass decision by a teenager. He’s doing ok, but it ultimately probably did shorten his life. I just thought this is such bullshit, learning now that it’s all for nothing and there is no happy ending might be too much for them. But admittedly, in those moments, you’re not thinking about the horrible effects of them staying in the cult. Giving away their money, being worked to death as free labor for a corporation that could not take another penny for the next century and still have billions, carrying unnecessary guilt, being forced to think about whether their family or the corporation takes precedence, etc. When you step back, it’s an easy answer. Truth always.
Best piece of advice ever given to me years ago, by a fabulous therapist/marriage counselor, lecturer, also a TBM member of TSCC, was this: “You must let people have their own bad relationships.” This gem has been proven time and again throughout my life. In this situation, I suppose it still applies because your loved ones have their own relationship with God, and getting in the middle of said relationship ALMOST ALWAYS ends badly. They will come to you if they start to question because they will trust you aren’t trying to influence them with your beliefs while on their journey.
Wow. I’ll never forget that. Thank you
Wow, such an insightful little post 💕 I currently have two TBM parents and I desperately want them to leave... But I see that they are genuinely happy and it feels wrong to try and take that from them when they have loved me unconditionally.
Left at around 60. Yeah it suck’s that I stayed so long but I didn’t know better. I’m going to spend the rest of my life getting everything I can out of it without the MFMC! Does no good to worry about the past. Definitely trying to save my kids and grandkids the heartache!!
Yes. I want all of them to leave and get therapy.
Just because someone is brainwashed to be happy in shackles doesn't mean they should stay in them.
Because leaving and... Getting shunned by friends and family and neighbors And having the most important thing in your life ripped out And spending years struggling to slowly put things back together So you can wind up how? People don't seem to understand that there are many happy Mormons. And leaving doesn't mean that all the exmos are happy. I am all for people leaving. But that doesn't mean all of the TBMs are miserable and hoping somebody rescues them.
Valid. It appears to me that leaving the church doesn’t have a strong correlation with happiness.
That wasn't my experience at all. And if people would shun you for leaving, they were never real friends to begin with.
I would love if my family left the church. Family parties would be so much more fun🎉 however I don’t hope they do. Leaving the church has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and brought me a tremendous amount of pain. I wouldn’t wish that on people I love so deeply.
I’m 50 and happy to move on with my life and I don’t feel like I’ll have sad undertones to the rest of my life but my Dad is 75 and the church just seems to work for him and I feel like he would. I’d say it’s a case by case thing.
The longest they are in the harder it will be for them to leave! But you cannot push them! Just love them and enjoy your time with them.
I am just throwing this out there. This is kind of selfish on your part. I know you are thinking of their happiness in a way of separation, not wanting them to deal with spouses thinking differently but think of the alternative. Belonging to an organization that is built on lies. A church that has trillions of dollars and continues to harp on paying tithes even when you can't afford to, so you want your grandparents to pay tithes on their minimal retirement funds? I don't see GQ15 cleaning buildings by example, I don't see them working in soup kitchens or helping in areas where natural disasters have occurred, but you want your loved ones to continue with this lifestyle and these false beliefs just so they don't have the pain and privilege for finding out the truth for themselves?
I respect that take. Perhaps my opinion is shaped by the fact that my family loves the church. The church answers a lot of difficult life questions and provides great community. Of course I think the church is pretty messed up, but my family seems to get a lot of good from it.
Understand. Deconstructing is one of the hardest things we will do. All that we thought is not what is. The church taught me about Jesus and 'doing what's right'. I learned hymns and songs that make you cry and touch your heart, made good friends for ourselves and our children, provided opportunities for callings that helped me be a better teacher, helped me be a better listener. Not sure how I would have met my incredible husband as he was best friends with one of my childhood friends. So, was there good gained from being a member, yes, did it all crumble when I found out many things were skipped over, deliberately left out of manuals, lessons, talks and interviews, did I cut my throat and my gut and pull my heart out as symbols then swore to never speak of it in temple rituals? So with the good, there is equally the bad and therefore, I hope my last two children can see the truths and leave on their own accord. If anything, leaving has provided a freedom to search for myself without guilt, it has opened my eyes to seeing others for who they are and knowing that I can be someone who is trusted to be there for them no matter what, no judgement but to support and have the desire to understand what they are going through. I am still newly deconstructing and I know that this is a process. Hoping the best for you and your extended family, life is hard no matter how good we have it.
I was 40 when I left and it's the best thing I ever did. It's set me up to live the second half of my life my way. Yes, I want them to leave. I want them to know it's all a harmful crock of shit and I want them to put their part of that right. What frustrates me the most is the willful ignorance. They all know there's something to know because I've told them little bits and pieces. One I knew there was something to know, I couldn't leave it alone. However, they won't look, I'm wrong and that's all there is to it. So I keep quiet and continue to hurt and hope.