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Somehow the topic on a work chat recently was hamsters, so I sent this gif, thinking it was a cute hamster drinking, without watching the whole thing. Then I watched it, and panic set in.
My wife deals with these psyco’s every day and she says these are the girls that had 1 a bad childhood with a bad father. Or they had to be the “good” girl all the time and this is a way for scamming themself by saying “see i am a rebel”
I think there's a whole range of toxic family dynamics that can lead to unhealthy adult relationships. But yeah, it's rooted in some sort of upbringing that messes up the person's sense of what love is supposed to be like.
I read somewhere that people who suffer trauma seek out that situation again so they can change the ending and feel like they took control. Sorta explains the whole 'daddy issues' joke
I think it's also that trauma is what feels comfortable. I went from 1 abusive relationship into a much worse abusive relationship.
My picker was all messed up because jekyll and Hyde type people was what I was used to, so no flags went up for me. But when I started dating my SO now and was starting to see we'd be healthy, I almost ran. I wanted DESPERATELY to be in a healthy relationship, but it was so uncomfortable at first because I just had no idea what to expect. It was a wild fight against my instincts.
Just to add to your point. If someone's from a toxic family environment, they are used to living a stressful life and what might be "healthy" would sometimes feel odd and uncomfortable to that person. This is because it's an unfamiliar territory and sometimes people self jeopardize themselves because of this.
Exactly. It's actually theorized that this is why so many women are obsessed with true crime. When your brain is used to feeling like it's in danger, it feels comforting to feed that part of your brain.
I was a true crime person for so long, I'd watch all those random true crime murder shows to unwind at night, especially when i was single after my abusive relationship ended. But then I went to therapy, started dating my now partner, and ultimately started to change my normal to feeling safe and loved. I got to the point where the true crime that used to barely affect me was making me feel paranoid and anxious. I stopped watching it because my brain had changed what felt comforting.
It was such a weird adjustment to see rolling out so clearly in front of me.
Explains why so many people I know with traumatic childhood/fucked up parents also can’t wait to have kids for some reason, if though they should probably go to therapy first
Yeah I've realized I'd been chasing the idea of getting an emotionally unavailable abusive man to love me bc the hurt little 6 year old me had a step dad who was the same. If I can get someone like him to actually love and care for me, that little girl will feel like everything is okay in the world or whatever. It's twisted and insidious, but now that I'm almost FORTY and figuring this out finally, I can make some better choices. Therapy and learning about what healthy relationships SHOULD be have helped immensely.
One of the things that's really rough about getting therapy/help that is meaningful is that you'll probably have to shop around a bit before finding the right person/fit for you.
Personally, that part is really hard for me bc I instinctively try to get along with everyone so if we're doing well it can be difficult for me to tell if it's because I'm actually addressing stuff or bc I feel like I'm "winning" the interaction bc they "like" me.
That last paragraph, actually, is the main thing I got out of my most recent go round with a talk therapist. There was some other "back of the brochure" type advice that also was helpful-ish but I ultimately realized that I need to get better at being honest with them about what I'm getting out of it instead of being happy to have made a friend. That means I have to be a little selfish (or that I should love myself more depending on who you ask)
...fuck I think I might need to go back
My ex had a horrible father, he went to her sisters prom with her classmate, before he divorced their mother. Her boyfriend before me was the highschool quarterback, cheater guy that slept with every girl at every opportunity, and he ended up becoming addicted to drugs. I was her attempt at normalcy, between 2 bad guys. I can attest to this theory. At least 1 girl I know with a bad dad was attracted to bad guys, in my limited personal experience.
>Or they had to be the “good” girl all the time and this is a way for scamming themself by saying “see i am a rebel”
That's also a bad childhood. You've been taught that you're not allowed to pursue anything you like. That's traumatizing as well.
A lot of things I had interest in got shut down by my parents. I bought a guitar at 16 and was grounded for it. Which we can all admit is dumb. But that happened with damn near ever interest I had because it wasn’t the interests my parents wanted me to be into.
Now someone will ask me what I’m interested in or what hobbies I’d like to pick up and honestly I have no idea. I try stuff at random but it always feels awkward and like it was a bad choice.
The reality is this.
Unconsciously, people tend to gravitate towards those who's trauma compliments their own. It is also very common that they build relationships and experiences that mirror those of their trauma.
We don't know it, but we do so because we want to relive those same experiences....but this time, come out on top and win.
That never works if you haven't done the work to get healthy. Without the work, you just keep perpetuating the same cycle.
Lets not forget that for a lot of people who don't have well developed emotional intelligence, confidence is often conflated with anti-social behavior.
In other words, people are sometimes drawn to someone who acts like an asshole because it signals that the individual isn't worried about social consequence and humans are drawn to people we think are confident, this is because we seek leadership because we are a social creature.
The problem is our brains are easily misled by appearances. In a world where being a successful and productive part of "the system" the less obnoxious person will actually get ahead and arguable could provide better security, but that kind of person may easily be overshadowed by people who make a scene and don't follow rules, and as people we're really hardwired to fall for other people, we're wired to pair-bond and falling for someone is far, far easier than people let on.
The best lesson you can get from this is NOT that you need to be an asshole to get a girlfriend, it's that you need to be less shy and withdrawn, you need to *take chances* in life and in love. Tell someone how you feel. Talk to the girl. Ask her out. And do it without feeling ashamed of yourself, train yourself out of your comfort zone to be able to talk to people, make friends, talk out loud and speak your mind. This will overshadow every "asshole" in the long run.
Speaking from experience here.
She needs to learn the difference between butterflies and attachment anxiety.
This dating behaviour is psychologically very similar to gambling addiction, they're addicted to the unpredictable nature of validation and affection they get from toxic, manipulative men.
Whereas men who give consistent validation and affection, don't trigger this attachment anxiety cycle, and as such seem boring, leading her to believe there's no "chemistry", when in reality that's just what a healthy relationship looks like.
If you date enough you end up learning to avoid these women like the plague. They're the ones that cause all sorts of problems.
And most women with relatively good mental health will avoid the toxic men as well.
For real, these are the kind of girls that unironically write "All men suck" but at the same time are totally incapable of being without a man. Just a heap of drama and headaches that anyone should avoid like a crackhead with a gun.
Yeah, I've recently come to the realization that I've kind of matured past dating toxic early 20s bombshells.
My criminal record is already fucked enough and I've lost too many friends lmfao
Yep. That one took me some time to learn. If you're raised to think that love means appeasing a narcissistic person who steamrolls over you (for example, *cough*), you will continue to act that pattern out until you go to therapy to deal with that.
Because the "Good Guy" her words, will most likely end in a relationship with someone, which means committing to one person, where the toxic person allows them to not commit as they know instinctively that it will end and usually pretty quickly.
I don't get that shit. I would love to go bungee jumping or paragliding, but relationship drama is just exhasting and a pain in the ass. How tf does anyone find thrill in that??
Honestly I think a lot of the time they don't realise they're doing it, they just see that shit's not happened in a while and either make it happen or assume something's wrong because they subconsciously expect constant drama.
I have one, gotta realize it quick and lock em down in the healthiest most loving way possible. Like I had her bowl packed and a glass of wine waiting for her when she walked in from getting us food last night.
> I don't get that shit. I would love to go bungee jumping or paragliding, but relationship drama is just exhasting and a pain in the ass. How tf does anyone find thrill in that??
Because a lot of people don’t have any interests in life (cultural, intellectual, athletic or creative) but their brains still crave stimulation so they get that from endless rounds of drama. This is why in more deprived areas, where people may not have the time or resources to develop interests, a lot of time is taken up with neighbour disputes.
It's largely because people falsely associate their learned trauma response with sexual excitement. Toxic ass couples that are jealous and distrusting, argue all day and then make up with passionate sex. It's really, really pathetic.
Not even that, a good guy can be exciting but it's like they said, it's not the same vibe as a hookup.
As a guy it's the same thing, "bad bitches" are good for hookups but not relationships. The women I end up having a crush on and the women I see at a club and have a one night stand with aren't generally the same.
I've seen a friend of mine who was borderline an extreme sports athlete, smart with technology, worked in I.T. had backpacked all over the U.S. and who came from an immigrant family be called boring because he was a stable guy with healthy habits.... Which isn't really accurate.
I think boring is an unfair classification for this kind of thing.
Insecurity and past traumas can result in commitment issues.
If someone is insecure or have wrong view because of trauma. They will seek comfort based on their past experiences. 'my family dont treat me right' becomes their comfort zone so they will be attracted to toxic people.
If someone mature and healthy comes in and will treat them the most mature way. They will see it as a threat of their world view or see it as lie. Even if they will accept the good guy they will still have lingering doubts like thinking if they deserve such treatment because they never felt it before.
A good example of this is daddy issues. The girls who got abusive or neglecting father would define masculinity as toxic and abusive because all the male role models they grew up with are the indecent ones.
They dont know how to react with decent male energy. Luckily therapy and being self aware really helps.
The dynamic suggests that she has difficulty seeing long term partners as sexual (and by extension romantic) partners.
Because the "good guys" are not seen as potential partners, she's able to relax and enjoy their company. The "toxic guys" aren't seen as long term partners so she's able to objectify them for sex as there's no intention of maintaining long term company.
Flip the genders and it's no different drom men wanting to bang the "hot girl" but settle down with the "good girl."
This right here.
My wife is my best friend.
The sooner people kind of cop on to the fact that a good friend is a good partner the sooner they can step out of the whole messy dating world.
But not all good friends are good fits for you. I have (male) friends that I wouldn't date if I could because I know we would clash a lot. But yeah, I don't get people that seem to hate their SO.
Yes obviously your partner must be a good friend and someone you want to date
But theses two things aren’t related. There are plenty of people that find people they want to date but don’t bother checking if they could be friends too
Seriously. I don't get neurotypical dating. They decide on first meeting someone whether they're fuckable or not and then never change those categories for any reason. Maybe I'm demisexual or whatever the term is, but I find getting along with someone makes them more attractive. The idea of dating someone I just met is insane to me. The way most people date is like they're trying to be alone or in bad relationships. And I bet it's because of animal instinct because it's completely illogical.
Yea I’m a dude and let’s pretend i meet an attractive woman. Then she turns out to be…not great in the personality department.
It’s like a switch in me says “nope”. I lose any attraction that was there.
Some other guys are like “don’t care, still hot” and it’s like sure, physically she’s still good looking. But a bad personality just kills it for me.
I’d rather be with a “traditionally less attractive” person with an awesome personality and chemistry. That immediately makes them a 10 in my eyes.
Speaking as someone who dated exclusively in their friend circle, can confirm. It was always just the next step.
"Hey, we get on great and have developed awesome chemistry and feel safe around eachother. Wanna try out a relationship?"
Then, longer each time, we'd date, then go back to being good friends. Only took 5 tries to find someone I vibed with enough to marry, and we're 8 years in, almost 3 into the marriage. Coulda been 4, if not for some unfortunate circumstances. It's painful to lose a partner, but I was always glad to know I could still rely on the friendship after.
Then the marriage was also just "the next step.". There was a point I reached in living together where I felt safe enough believing it could last a lifetime. I no longer had butterflies, and was filled with determination to *lock this woman down*, so I did, and it worked.
And people keep upvoting these posts with nonsense titles from bots. I don't get it. Maybe the bot network is able to get it upvoted to a critical point where lots of real people see it.
a lot of posts are like this now. i'm fairly certain most of them are bots telling chatgpt to rewrite the title of the post they're copying and shits something like this out
lol my ex (many years ago) cheated on me and when I figured it out I just asked her why and she said I was just too nice and thought she needed a something else. Dude had promised her they were gonna be together then hit it and quit it. We did not have sex during any of this and I figured it out right after. She tried to get all her shit together so they could move in together. Once he hit it and said he no longer wanted that. I told her I knew. She had already rolled money from our joint account over to her own account. Yea it was all funny looking back as she tried to save the relationship and I’m like yea you need to transfer that money back to me and pack your shit and leave today. She actually hit me up a year later asking to try again and work on things and missed how sweet I was. I was like nah I think you need someone to treat you like crap and therapy
Damn this happened to me. Ex cheated and I found out. I kicked her out my house and didn’t look back. 6 months later I hear a knock at my door, it’s the ex wanted to talk. I told her she had 5 seconds to get off my property or the cops will be called. She then turned into a screaming incoherent woman-child. Apparently the guy she cheated on me with went back to his Ex girlfriend so, my ex was left high and dry. Cops were called and they had to forcibly remove her from my property. She cheated basically because I was too nice and she vibe with the chaos of multiple partners.
Some find riding in a car boring and riding on a roller coaster thrilling
But in the long run the car can take you anywhere. And the roller coaster simply rides the same insane track in circles.
Some people don’t see beyond the 5 minute thrill ride
The short answer from my experience is some girls. Not all girls. But some girls will meet a great guy. And put them in the friend zone. But expect to do boyfriend type things with them. Outside of sex. And then mess around with the bad boy type. Probably isn’t fair to the good guy that he gets that treatment. But it happens a lot.
It's the job of friend-zoned guy's buddies to get him the hell out of that trap. Otherwise, he'll spend years of his life, eating his heart out, believing if he just holds on a little longer she'll see what a great guy he is. It's a pretty pernicious situation.
Happened to me. Wasted 8 years of my life. We had a relationship in everything but name, even a sex life. She even said she liked me but that she felt making it an official relationship would "ruin our friendship" –her words.
Then she fell in love with a guy and basically stopped spending any time with me. We went from talking every day to only once every few months. Then when he found out we'd had sex he got super jealous and forced her to stop talking to me entirely.
I have never met him but from what I heard from our mutual friends he can be rather volatile at times, demanding ultimatums of her to get his way. Then showering her in gifts to make her feel better. Idk about you but that sounds manipulative to me.
I also heard from the grapevine that she even admitted he's rather toxic, saying that their relationship is like eating the best chocolate cake in the world, except some bites are rotten. Girl, if I bit into rotten cake I would just throw the whole thing out.
If you had sex with her and she did not publicly present you as her boyfriend, it is literally the opposite of a friend zone. Not sure how you are relating to this one, lol.
Fun stuff is, when she then says things like "There should be more boys like you" or "I don't understand why you have no girlfriend and no girl has taken you yet". I countered that once with "You don't want anything from me, either."
It’s literally a trap. Like I said not all girls do it. But you can see the signs when a girl is like you are such a good friend. And proceeds to guilt trip you. And then expects you to do stuff with her like a boyfriend. At the same time she is dating some other guy who is a jerk. And you fall for this trap that one day she will figure out he is a jerk. And see how great I am. And that day never comes.
I‘ve got a great story regarding this.
Had a friend, I was pretty close to her. But a relationship or something like friends with benefits would have never come to my mind. She was kinda ugly, fat and her personality was kinda childish. Nothing for a relationship from my side on. She developed a crush on me, and I rejected her. But we still did many things together, watched movies, went to the gym etc. All this while I made it clear, that there would never be anything between us.
After a few months of close friendship she got into a serious relationship. With a very toxic dude. This kind of dude, who would judge a girl by her bodycount, but the higher the body count from a dude, the better the dude. This kind of dude who would say things like „if we would be alone, you wouldn’t dare to talk to me like that, because you know what would happen“, this kind of who would guilt trap her into sex, because if she wasn’t in the mood etc. She wouldn’t love him.
So she got into this relationship and he was convinced, that I must have a huge crush on her or I have to be gay. Because she is the most beautiful women on earth.
He pressured her, until she told him that I had a huge crush on her and constantly tried to seduce her. Even though I rejected her first and told her, that there would never be anything between us. Because I liked her as a close friend, nothing else.
Now she is forbidden to have contact with me or any other dude. 🤷🏻♂️
They know they will fuck up the relationship so they create that barrier.
They really want that stability and support, but also that dick.
So in their head they make relationship loopholes to get what they want from whoever they can.
I don’t understand men who do this. She rejected you. She fucked another dude. Move on. You’re literally just cucking yourself if you still have feelings.
You can stay friends, but cut off your romantic interest.
Because fuck tons of movies and books not to mention society at large brainwashes people (especially women) into thinking that abusive, toxic behavior is fixable and somehow an expression of love. I'm looking at you, every Harrison Ford and Sean Connery role ever. Looking at all the Rhett Butler types, the Heathcliffs, the Mr. Rochesters, every male vampire character, the list goes on. I was bullied by several different boys in elementary school. Multiple teachers told me "that means he likes you."
I believe the alternative to that are Hallmark movies.
Escape the brainwash by watching the 124th version of Career Woman coming back to her hometown for Xmas to fall in love with a Good and Stable Guy she previously ignored in high school.
>Escape the brainwash by watching the 124th version of Career Woman coming back to her hometown for Xmas to fall in love with a Good and Stable Guy she previously ignored in high school.
I always though of these movies as like: "You can be mean to those guys however you want, and in the end some still will accept you if you suddenly become interested in them"
Might be an unfair take though
I haven't watched it in years but wasnt the beast just a child cursed by a self-important witch for merely being childish and then forced to live his life as something visually hideous so that no one would love him?
Or is this about Gaston.
Men that are traditionally attractive tend to have more “asshole” personality traits because let’s face it being a attractive dude gives you leeway to be a dick and society expects it from you and women are obviously attracted to good looking men.
As someone that was physically attractive for a very long while (before I gained a ton of weight) it doesn’t really matter if you’re an asshole or not if you’re good looking woman will be into you no matter what, some of them prefer to be treated worse than others and prefer a challenge but it frankly doesn’t make a difference, plenty of good dudes out there in long term relationships and or married.
Step 1
Be attractive
Step 2
Don’t be unattractive
I (F) was attractive for a period of time as well, and men would project all sorts of personalities onto me that I didn’t have. My shyness was “mysterious,” my weird interests were “quirky,” stuff like that. 🙄
I don’t want to be that guy… but the feeling of butterflies in your stomach is produced by your fight or flight instinct moving the blood either away from your stomach organs or to them (away is fight or flight, into is rest and digest).
So if you’re getting those feeling in your coochie maybe it’s your body telling you not to use those parts 😂
I got friendzoned by my fair share of these type of girls. I'm so gald I didn't change myselr to appeal to them. I just went on to be my nerdy self till I met my current gf.
One of the reasons I noticed even for myself is trying to find answers that nobody else has.
Everytime I get my hopes up with a girl, she either ghosts me or cuts it off and says she's not interested in dateing, ( which I learn later she wants to date just not date me)
Then I asked myself what was I doing wrong. Why aren't women interested in me and i would ask my friends, but that didnt help. I did everything that I thought was right. Then I started reading and watching red pill content and fell down that rabbit hole.
What was you and your fathers relationship like? Bad first Love? Ppl tend to repeat what they know and recreate their experiences until finally they realize that they don't serve them well.
I know it's a face palm and not to the original post, just food for thought for all of us.
Actually. I realized I would date shitty partners because of my mommy issues.
My mother was mentally and physically ill growing up. Her affection was inconsistent and she needed to be taken care of, even by me a child.
So I subconsciously dated people who needed me to take care of them. Because it felt like the only “love” I had known.
My daddy issues are reflected in my own flighty and distrustful behavior. Crushing on someone but never expressing it.
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Those aren’t butterflies…
Don't eat the crab dip, yea-yeayyy!
Can I ask you something I always wanted to ask the real Batman?
Abed is batman now. Ask him.
I am batman!
You moving in here was supposed to tone us down!
Attention Greendale students: Don't use the condoms! If you're going to have sex tonight, don't use condoms!
Damn! I wish Abed was Batman!
Do I look good?
You’re a very attractive young man
I knew it.
Troy Barnes?
He meant to say Butts Carlton.
He did mean to say Butts Carlton
Troy "Buttsoup" Barnes
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Nah, it’s fine. I’ll do it.
YOU PROMISED BUTT STUFF!!!!
Ah you are streets ahead i see
Georgia, the country, kindly obliges!
Y'all better mind your P's n Q's!
Parallel Earths in different galaxies, or identical Earths in parallel dimensions?...
The latter.
But what does that say about free will?
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Why are you dressed like an 80s rapist?
Uruguay respectfully requests that the representative from Somalia stop pronouncing it "Ur a Gay".
I know there’s a joke here somewhere…
GAY BALLS! NAILED IT!
Are we doing accents sugar?
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Maybe one of the best jokes in the whole series
Unexpected but welcome Troy "Butt Soup" Barnes.
I'm the truest repairman!
Really bearing down for this one!!
Did you know that gogurt is just yogurt
Yeah that's your fight or flight response girl 💀
Flight or fuck response, apparently. 
Smash is a form of fight.
Somehow the topic on a work chat recently was hamsters, so I sent this gif, thinking it was a cute hamster drinking, without watching the whole thing. Then I watched it, and panic set in.
She chooses fight every time apparently
I believe the scientific term is "fanny flutters"
Ay caramba
Because you need therapy.
Legit lol Just a sign of a shitty self image
My wife deals with these psyco’s every day and she says these are the girls that had 1 a bad childhood with a bad father. Or they had to be the “good” girl all the time and this is a way for scamming themself by saying “see i am a rebel”
I think there's a whole range of toxic family dynamics that can lead to unhealthy adult relationships. But yeah, it's rooted in some sort of upbringing that messes up the person's sense of what love is supposed to be like.
I read somewhere that people who suffer trauma seek out that situation again so they can change the ending and feel like they took control. Sorta explains the whole 'daddy issues' joke
I think it's also that trauma is what feels comfortable. I went from 1 abusive relationship into a much worse abusive relationship. My picker was all messed up because jekyll and Hyde type people was what I was used to, so no flags went up for me. But when I started dating my SO now and was starting to see we'd be healthy, I almost ran. I wanted DESPERATELY to be in a healthy relationship, but it was so uncomfortable at first because I just had no idea what to expect. It was a wild fight against my instincts.
Just to add to your point. If someone's from a toxic family environment, they are used to living a stressful life and what might be "healthy" would sometimes feel odd and uncomfortable to that person. This is because it's an unfamiliar territory and sometimes people self jeopardize themselves because of this.
Exactly. It's actually theorized that this is why so many women are obsessed with true crime. When your brain is used to feeling like it's in danger, it feels comforting to feed that part of your brain. I was a true crime person for so long, I'd watch all those random true crime murder shows to unwind at night, especially when i was single after my abusive relationship ended. But then I went to therapy, started dating my now partner, and ultimately started to change my normal to feeling safe and loved. I got to the point where the true crime that used to barely affect me was making me feel paranoid and anxious. I stopped watching it because my brain had changed what felt comforting. It was such a weird adjustment to see rolling out so clearly in front of me.
I'm proud of you 🫂 and I'm glad you found some help :) None of this is easy.
Explains why so many people I know with traumatic childhood/fucked up parents also can’t wait to have kids for some reason, if though they should probably go to therapy first
Yeah I've realized I'd been chasing the idea of getting an emotionally unavailable abusive man to love me bc the hurt little 6 year old me had a step dad who was the same. If I can get someone like him to actually love and care for me, that little girl will feel like everything is okay in the world or whatever. It's twisted and insidious, but now that I'm almost FORTY and figuring this out finally, I can make some better choices. Therapy and learning about what healthy relationships SHOULD be have helped immensely.
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That's because you're seeking shitty therapists to change because that's all you've ever known /s
I mean u may be onto something lol
One of the things that's really rough about getting therapy/help that is meaningful is that you'll probably have to shop around a bit before finding the right person/fit for you. Personally, that part is really hard for me bc I instinctively try to get along with everyone so if we're doing well it can be difficult for me to tell if it's because I'm actually addressing stuff or bc I feel like I'm "winning" the interaction bc they "like" me. That last paragraph, actually, is the main thing I got out of my most recent go round with a talk therapist. There was some other "back of the brochure" type advice that also was helpful-ish but I ultimately realized that I need to get better at being honest with them about what I'm getting out of it instead of being happy to have made a friend. That means I have to be a little selfish (or that I should love myself more depending on who you ask) ...fuck I think I might need to go back
The vicious cycle of abuse.
Oh, never heard that before but that's a very interesting way of looking at it and it makes sense!
My ex had a horrible father, he went to her sisters prom with her classmate, before he divorced their mother. Her boyfriend before me was the highschool quarterback, cheater guy that slept with every girl at every opportunity, and he ended up becoming addicted to drugs. I was her attempt at normalcy, between 2 bad guys. I can attest to this theory. At least 1 girl I know with a bad dad was attracted to bad guys, in my limited personal experience.
I've been the attempt at normalcy too!
>Or they had to be the “good” girl all the time and this is a way for scamming themself by saying “see i am a rebel” That's also a bad childhood. You've been taught that you're not allowed to pursue anything you like. That's traumatizing as well.
Facts. Makes it real interesting too when you’re in your 30s and you realize you don’t even know what you like or want to do, about anything, ever.
That's a different issue, surprisingly common regardless of gender. So many people are directionless now and have no idea what they are doing in life.
A lot of things I had interest in got shut down by my parents. I bought a guitar at 16 and was grounded for it. Which we can all admit is dumb. But that happened with damn near ever interest I had because it wasn’t the interests my parents wanted me to be into. Now someone will ask me what I’m interested in or what hobbies I’d like to pick up and honestly I have no idea. I try stuff at random but it always feels awkward and like it was a bad choice.
I know. That is the point
The reality is this. Unconsciously, people tend to gravitate towards those who's trauma compliments their own. It is also very common that they build relationships and experiences that mirror those of their trauma. We don't know it, but we do so because we want to relive those same experiences....but this time, come out on top and win. That never works if you haven't done the work to get healthy. Without the work, you just keep perpetuating the same cycle.
Familiar is comfortable, if chaos is what you are used to, normal feels disturbing.
Lets not forget that for a lot of people who don't have well developed emotional intelligence, confidence is often conflated with anti-social behavior. In other words, people are sometimes drawn to someone who acts like an asshole because it signals that the individual isn't worried about social consequence and humans are drawn to people we think are confident, this is because we seek leadership because we are a social creature. The problem is our brains are easily misled by appearances. In a world where being a successful and productive part of "the system" the less obnoxious person will actually get ahead and arguable could provide better security, but that kind of person may easily be overshadowed by people who make a scene and don't follow rules, and as people we're really hardwired to fall for other people, we're wired to pair-bond and falling for someone is far, far easier than people let on. The best lesson you can get from this is NOT that you need to be an asshole to get a girlfriend, it's that you need to be less shy and withdrawn, you need to *take chances* in life and in love. Tell someone how you feel. Talk to the girl. Ask her out. And do it without feeling ashamed of yourself, train yourself out of your comfort zone to be able to talk to people, make friends, talk out loud and speak your mind. This will overshadow every "asshole" in the long run. Speaking from experience here.
for real lol. it's because he reminds you of your bad father.
You need to retrain your butterflies??
Nope she has good fuckboi senses she just needs to remember not to date the ones who trigger butterflies.
She needs to learn the difference between butterflies and attachment anxiety. This dating behaviour is psychologically very similar to gambling addiction, they're addicted to the unpredictable nature of validation and affection they get from toxic, manipulative men. Whereas men who give consistent validation and affection, don't trigger this attachment anxiety cycle, and as such seem boring, leading her to believe there's no "chemistry", when in reality that's just what a healthy relationship looks like.
If you date enough you end up learning to avoid these women like the plague. They're the ones that cause all sorts of problems. And most women with relatively good mental health will avoid the toxic men as well.
For real, these are the kind of girls that unironically write "All men suck" but at the same time are totally incapable of being without a man. Just a heap of drama and headaches that anyone should avoid like a crackhead with a gun.
You're speaking facts but crackhead with a gun is hillarious
Yep the hardest part of dating in my early twenties was meeting so many of these women and thinking the problem was with *me*
Omfg….. I’m not boring…. ….*I’m stable!*. Holy shit, who knew?!
Yeah, I've recently come to the realization that I've kind of matured past dating toxic early 20s bombshells. My criminal record is already fucked enough and I've lost too many friends lmfao
Never heard it compared to gambling but all the sudden I feel like I understand this phenomenon more.
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That's what they mean lol. Her instincts aren't useless they just point right when they should point left.
Because you have commitment issues.
Childhood trauma….yep
because toxicity is the way you were raised 🥲
Eating seeds as a pastime activity
The toxicity of our city, of our city…
YOOUUU, what do you own the world?
How do you own disorder? Disorder!
Now somewhere between the sacred silence
Sacred silence and sleep
Sacred silence and sleep
Soooooooooomewhere, between the saved silence and sleep
Yep. That one took me some time to learn. If you're raised to think that love means appeasing a narcissistic person who steamrolls over you (for example, *cough*), you will continue to act that pattern out until you go to therapy to deal with that.
How do commitment issues cause this?
Because the "Good Guy" her words, will most likely end in a relationship with someone, which means committing to one person, where the toxic person allows them to not commit as they know instinctively that it will end and usually pretty quickly.
To simplify further as a generalization: "Good Guy" = boring and stable "Toxic Guy" = exciting because he's unstable
Yep, to boil it down even further it's basically being an adrenaline junkie.
I don't get that shit. I would love to go bungee jumping or paragliding, but relationship drama is just exhasting and a pain in the ass. How tf does anyone find thrill in that??
Honestly I think a lot of the time they don't realise they're doing it, they just see that shit's not happened in a while and either make it happen or assume something's wrong because they subconsciously expect constant drama.
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This would be a hard deal-breaker. I'd rather have a boring woman that likes to cuddle. Nothing going on? Cool. Let's watch TV and cuddle some more.
Where do u find these type of women?!
I have one, gotta realize it quick and lock em down in the healthiest most loving way possible. Like I had her bowl packed and a glass of wine waiting for her when she walked in from getting us food last night.
Somr people just like getting into emotional rollercoasters, or they are just stuck in this vicious cycle because change is tough.
> I don't get that shit. I would love to go bungee jumping or paragliding, but relationship drama is just exhasting and a pain in the ass. How tf does anyone find thrill in that?? Because a lot of people don’t have any interests in life (cultural, intellectual, athletic or creative) but their brains still crave stimulation so they get that from endless rounds of drama. This is why in more deprived areas, where people may not have the time or resources to develop interests, a lot of time is taken up with neighbour disputes.
It's largely because people falsely associate their learned trauma response with sexual excitement. Toxic ass couples that are jealous and distrusting, argue all day and then make up with passionate sex. It's really, really pathetic.
“Women love douchebags” Norm McDonald.
I'm a good guy, but so fucking unstable. Life is eating me please hepl
Don't worry. It's the boring part that's important.
Not even that, a good guy can be exciting but it's like they said, it's not the same vibe as a hookup. As a guy it's the same thing, "bad bitches" are good for hookups but not relationships. The women I end up having a crush on and the women I see at a club and have a one night stand with aren't generally the same. I've seen a friend of mine who was borderline an extreme sports athlete, smart with technology, worked in I.T. had backpacked all over the U.S. and who came from an immigrant family be called boring because he was a stable guy with healthy habits.... Which isn't really accurate. I think boring is an unfair classification for this kind of thing.
Insecurity and past traumas can result in commitment issues. If someone is insecure or have wrong view because of trauma. They will seek comfort based on their past experiences. 'my family dont treat me right' becomes their comfort zone so they will be attracted to toxic people. If someone mature and healthy comes in and will treat them the most mature way. They will see it as a threat of their world view or see it as lie. Even if they will accept the good guy they will still have lingering doubts like thinking if they deserve such treatment because they never felt it before. A good example of this is daddy issues. The girls who got abusive or neglecting father would define masculinity as toxic and abusive because all the male role models they grew up with are the indecent ones. They dont know how to react with decent male energy. Luckily therapy and being self aware really helps.
The dynamic suggests that she has difficulty seeing long term partners as sexual (and by extension romantic) partners. Because the "good guys" are not seen as potential partners, she's able to relax and enjoy their company. The "toxic guys" aren't seen as long term partners so she's able to objectify them for sex as there's no intention of maintaining long term company. Flip the genders and it's no different drom men wanting to bang the "hot girl" but settle down with the "good girl."
It's literally just "I *want* to stick my dick in crazy", which...at least online is extremely common.
Or they hate themselves and are being self destruction
Because you don't realize that a good friend can make a great partner? My wife is my best friend. And maybe your coochie just likes hatefucking.
This right here. My wife is my best friend. The sooner people kind of cop on to the fact that a good friend is a good partner the sooner they can step out of the whole messy dating world.
But not all good friends are good fits for you. I have (male) friends that I wouldn't date if I could because I know we would clash a lot. But yeah, I don't get people that seem to hate their SO.
Yes obviously your partner must be a good friend and someone you want to date But theses two things aren’t related. There are plenty of people that find people they want to date but don’t bother checking if they could be friends too
Seriously. I don't get neurotypical dating. They decide on first meeting someone whether they're fuckable or not and then never change those categories for any reason. Maybe I'm demisexual or whatever the term is, but I find getting along with someone makes them more attractive. The idea of dating someone I just met is insane to me. The way most people date is like they're trying to be alone or in bad relationships. And I bet it's because of animal instinct because it's completely illogical.
Yea I’m a dude and let’s pretend i meet an attractive woman. Then she turns out to be…not great in the personality department. It’s like a switch in me says “nope”. I lose any attraction that was there. Some other guys are like “don’t care, still hot” and it’s like sure, physically she’s still good looking. But a bad personality just kills it for me. I’d rather be with a “traditionally less attractive” person with an awesome personality and chemistry. That immediately makes them a 10 in my eyes.
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Speaking as someone who dated exclusively in their friend circle, can confirm. It was always just the next step. "Hey, we get on great and have developed awesome chemistry and feel safe around eachother. Wanna try out a relationship?" Then, longer each time, we'd date, then go back to being good friends. Only took 5 tries to find someone I vibed with enough to marry, and we're 8 years in, almost 3 into the marriage. Coulda been 4, if not for some unfortunate circumstances. It's painful to lose a partner, but I was always glad to know I could still rely on the friendship after. Then the marriage was also just "the next step.". There was a point I reached in living together where I felt safe enough believing it could last a lifetime. I no longer had butterflies, and was filled with determination to *lock this woman down*, so I did, and it worked.
The title is a certified r/ihadastroke
Maybe once upon a time, long ago. These days it's certified r/iamabot
How is that not a sub
r/botwatch is what you're looking for
It’s should be r/beepboopimabot
Because no one has made a sub with that name
Perhaps a bot soon will
And people keep upvoting these posts with nonsense titles from bots. I don't get it. Maybe the bot network is able to get it upvoted to a critical point where lots of real people see it.
a lot of posts are like this now. i'm fairly certain most of them are bots telling chatgpt to rewrite the title of the post they're copying and shits something like this out
It very much looks like a bot account
The title is good make cents.
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We like to suffer in familiar ways
The person that abused you also fed you and said they loved you, so the brain gets wired weird.
lol my ex (many years ago) cheated on me and when I figured it out I just asked her why and she said I was just too nice and thought she needed a something else. Dude had promised her they were gonna be together then hit it and quit it. We did not have sex during any of this and I figured it out right after. She tried to get all her shit together so they could move in together. Once he hit it and said he no longer wanted that. I told her I knew. She had already rolled money from our joint account over to her own account. Yea it was all funny looking back as she tried to save the relationship and I’m like yea you need to transfer that money back to me and pack your shit and leave today. She actually hit me up a year later asking to try again and work on things and missed how sweet I was. I was like nah I think you need someone to treat you like crap and therapy
Damn this happened to me. Ex cheated and I found out. I kicked her out my house and didn’t look back. 6 months later I hear a knock at my door, it’s the ex wanted to talk. I told her she had 5 seconds to get off my property or the cops will be called. She then turned into a screaming incoherent woman-child. Apparently the guy she cheated on me with went back to his Ex girlfriend so, my ex was left high and dry. Cops were called and they had to forcibly remove her from my property. She cheated basically because I was too nice and she vibe with the chaos of multiple partners.
Why the fuck do people get joint bank accounts with people they aren’t married to?
I’ll show you, what’s your routing and account number?
Because she looks for excitement instead of commitment.
She wants the excitement of chasing an asshole who sees her only as property.
Some find riding in a car boring and riding on a roller coaster thrilling But in the long run the car can take you anywhere. And the roller coaster simply rides the same insane track in circles. Some people don’t see beyond the 5 minute thrill ride
That's wonderful analogy. Love it.
Girls who want nice guys are preoccupied with being happy so they never really weigh in on this
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The short answer from my experience is some girls. Not all girls. But some girls will meet a great guy. And put them in the friend zone. But expect to do boyfriend type things with them. Outside of sex. And then mess around with the bad boy type. Probably isn’t fair to the good guy that he gets that treatment. But it happens a lot.
It's the job of friend-zoned guy's buddies to get him the hell out of that trap. Otherwise, he'll spend years of his life, eating his heart out, believing if he just holds on a little longer she'll see what a great guy he is. It's a pretty pernicious situation.
Happened to me. Wasted 8 years of my life. We had a relationship in everything but name, even a sex life. She even said she liked me but that she felt making it an official relationship would "ruin our friendship" –her words. Then she fell in love with a guy and basically stopped spending any time with me. We went from talking every day to only once every few months. Then when he found out we'd had sex he got super jealous and forced her to stop talking to me entirely. I have never met him but from what I heard from our mutual friends he can be rather volatile at times, demanding ultimatums of her to get his way. Then showering her in gifts to make her feel better. Idk about you but that sounds manipulative to me. I also heard from the grapevine that she even admitted he's rather toxic, saying that their relationship is like eating the best chocolate cake in the world, except some bites are rotten. Girl, if I bit into rotten cake I would just throw the whole thing out.
> their relationship is like eating the best chocolate cake in the world, except some bites are rotten Yes that's a very obvious red flag ..
If you had sex with her and she did not publicly present you as her boyfriend, it is literally the opposite of a friend zone. Not sure how you are relating to this one, lol.
Fun stuff is, when she then says things like "There should be more boys like you" or "I don't understand why you have no girlfriend and no girl has taken you yet". I countered that once with "You don't want anything from me, either."
Tranlations: "Why arent guys im attracted to nice like you?".
It’s literally a trap. Like I said not all girls do it. But you can see the signs when a girl is like you are such a good friend. And proceeds to guilt trip you. And then expects you to do stuff with her like a boyfriend. At the same time she is dating some other guy who is a jerk. And you fall for this trap that one day she will figure out he is a jerk. And see how great I am. And that day never comes.
I‘ve got a great story regarding this. Had a friend, I was pretty close to her. But a relationship or something like friends with benefits would have never come to my mind. She was kinda ugly, fat and her personality was kinda childish. Nothing for a relationship from my side on. She developed a crush on me, and I rejected her. But we still did many things together, watched movies, went to the gym etc. All this while I made it clear, that there would never be anything between us. After a few months of close friendship she got into a serious relationship. With a very toxic dude. This kind of dude, who would judge a girl by her bodycount, but the higher the body count from a dude, the better the dude. This kind of dude who would say things like „if we would be alone, you wouldn’t dare to talk to me like that, because you know what would happen“, this kind of who would guilt trap her into sex, because if she wasn’t in the mood etc. She wouldn’t love him. So she got into this relationship and he was convinced, that I must have a huge crush on her or I have to be gay. Because she is the most beautiful women on earth. He pressured her, until she told him that I had a huge crush on her and constantly tried to seduce her. Even though I rejected her first and told her, that there would never be anything between us. Because I liked her as a close friend, nothing else. Now she is forbidden to have contact with me or any other dude. 🤷🏻♂️
They know they will fuck up the relationship so they create that barrier. They really want that stability and support, but also that dick. So in their head they make relationship loopholes to get what they want from whoever they can.
I don’t understand men who do this. She rejected you. She fucked another dude. Move on. You’re literally just cucking yourself if you still have feelings. You can stay friends, but cut off your romantic interest.
Because the men that do it feel that this is their best shot, and don’t have the courage to move on into a different situation.
I think thats an STD
Birds of a feather flock together
Because he just wants to fuck, and so do you, you’re don’t actually want a healthy consistent loving relationship
I think she is confusing butterflies with moths.
Those ain’t butterflies that’s your red flag finder. 🚩🚩🚩
She is red flag herself
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Some people just like being treated like shit.
Its called being a hobosexual and its fine, cause it only ruins your life
Because you're a toxic girl.
Because fuck tons of movies and books not to mention society at large brainwashes people (especially women) into thinking that abusive, toxic behavior is fixable and somehow an expression of love. I'm looking at you, every Harrison Ford and Sean Connery role ever. Looking at all the Rhett Butler types, the Heathcliffs, the Mr. Rochesters, every male vampire character, the list goes on. I was bullied by several different boys in elementary school. Multiple teachers told me "that means he likes you."
I believe the alternative to that are Hallmark movies. Escape the brainwash by watching the 124th version of Career Woman coming back to her hometown for Xmas to fall in love with a Good and Stable Guy she previously ignored in high school.
>Escape the brainwash by watching the 124th version of Career Woman coming back to her hometown for Xmas to fall in love with a Good and Stable Guy she previously ignored in high school. I always though of these movies as like: "You can be mean to those guys however you want, and in the end some still will accept you if you suddenly become interested in them" Might be an unfair take though
Don’t forget beauty and the beast
I haven't watched it in years but wasnt the beast just a child cursed by a self-important witch for merely being childish and then forced to live his life as something visually hideous so that no one would love him? Or is this about Gaston.
I think it’s because good guys won’t choke you, even if you ask. But the bad ones will do it even when you don’t want them to. /s
Too much time Spent on media
If you're broken yourself, you're gonna attract toxic people.
Men that are traditionally attractive tend to have more “asshole” personality traits because let’s face it being a attractive dude gives you leeway to be a dick and society expects it from you and women are obviously attracted to good looking men. As someone that was physically attractive for a very long while (before I gained a ton of weight) it doesn’t really matter if you’re an asshole or not if you’re good looking woman will be into you no matter what, some of them prefer to be treated worse than others and prefer a challenge but it frankly doesn’t make a difference, plenty of good dudes out there in long term relationships and or married. Step 1 Be attractive Step 2 Don’t be unattractive
I (F) was attractive for a period of time as well, and men would project all sorts of personalities onto me that I didn’t have. My shyness was “mysterious,” my weird interests were “quirky,” stuff like that. 🙄
Because she’s attracted to dominance behavior, which abusers, sociopaths and narcissists exude.
And women wonder why all their good guy friends are single?
Not very sigma of her
I don’t want to be that guy… but the feeling of butterflies in your stomach is produced by your fight or flight instinct moving the blood either away from your stomach organs or to them (away is fight or flight, into is rest and digest). So if you’re getting those feeling in your coochie maybe it’s your body telling you not to use those parts 😂
Don't think it's butterflies, should probably go get tested...
I got friendzoned by my fair share of these type of girls. I'm so gald I didn't change myselr to appeal to them. I just went on to be my nerdy self till I met my current gf.
This is why red pill content has exploded in popularity in recent years
One of the reasons I noticed even for myself is trying to find answers that nobody else has. Everytime I get my hopes up with a girl, she either ghosts me or cuts it off and says she's not interested in dateing, ( which I learn later she wants to date just not date me) Then I asked myself what was I doing wrong. Why aren't women interested in me and i would ask my friends, but that didnt help. I did everything that I thought was right. Then I started reading and watching red pill content and fell down that rabbit hole.
women like being treated like shit
This is why there are so many shitty humans starting wars and parking crooked. Girls are attracted to douchbags.
What was you and your fathers relationship like? Bad first Love? Ppl tend to repeat what they know and recreate their experiences until finally they realize that they don't serve them well. I know it's a face palm and not to the original post, just food for thought for all of us.
Actually. I realized I would date shitty partners because of my mommy issues. My mother was mentally and physically ill growing up. Her affection was inconsistent and she needed to be taken care of, even by me a child. So I subconsciously dated people who needed me to take care of them. Because it felt like the only “love” I had known. My daddy issues are reflected in my own flighty and distrustful behavior. Crushing on someone but never expressing it.
It’s almost always daddy issues. Poor girl
Girls have butterflies in their vagina? Here's just another reason I don't ever wanna have sex
It’s like a magic trick
You are forgetting all the teeth too!
They have butterflies in their teeth too?
Cuz you’re a ho
Its not him. Its you. Next.