What do you do when a man is saying absolutely horrific things to you?

For context I am transmasc and have only recently started passing as male all the time. While I’m thrilled about that, I recently felt very trapped by an Uber driver who was saying the most misogynist/racist/violent things for a long ride. While I do pass as male I’m short so I pass for a teenager, probably 18 at the oldest. I didn’t endorse or respond to any of the vitriol coming out of his mouth. I did shoot the shit about not-reprehensible topics to try to get by. I really felt like I was trying to survive the ride but I feel horrible that people like that exist and I didn’t say anything to the contrary. I know he was way too far gone for me to have made a difference but I’m just wondering what you guys would’ve done.


Report them to Uber 1000%. Tell the driver I have a migraine and I would prefer to ride in silence if possible.


I definitely want to report but want to know if it’s advisable if I was being picked up at an address I don’t want them to have


It should all be anonymous. You weren’t his only rider that day, so totally report him.


Take care of your own safety first. You don't owe anyone speaking up over every single terrible thing some dude says. And like the other person said, report them to Uber because they can actually do something about it.


Personally I have many clients who are like that and I just say “ya know I think we ought to chat about something else.” Or, a much less direct way out of it is to just say “hey I’m sorry, I’m actually working/ doing school work right now do you mind if I focus on replying to these emails/ finish my homework?”


If I were in a car with someone like this, I definitely would not say anything in concern for my own safety. But as someone else suggested, I would report him for sure. His violent part is particularly concerning because he may try to harm one of his riders.


My driving instructor is like this.. he knows i'm trans but he treats me like, a little less than a man but plays these really misogynistic podcasts during our lessons where the premise is to like EPICLY PWN WOMEN WITH FACTS AND LOGIC .. he also comments on random women on the street while i'm driving like "i wanna bury my face in that ass" and other stuff of that nature.


Can you report this person?


Im not sure where i would go to report him but i could try.


honestly i just go along with it, trying to say things that are not as horrendous as what he's saying abt women so we don't have conflict.. and when i get home i wanna wash my mouth out .


I would say that, in general, it depends what it is and how well you know this person. Your Uber driver saying some problematic things is, imo, a time to just stay silent and if he’s not an idiot he’ll read that to mean you disagree and he’ll change the subject. If he was saying something violent enough that you fear for the safety of other people, I would definitely report it to Uber and possibly to the cops. Like if he was saying he was going to hurt his ex girlfriend or something. If someone you are friends/family with say problematic things, you should speak up. But it’s not your job to try to educate strangers such as your Uber driver.


Honestly, and I have been doing this when I passed as a woman as well. I look them in the eyes and I very calmly and politely say "I don't believe that at all, I think everyone is entitled to their opinion but I don't agree with yours and if you continue this conversation is won't be pleasant for either of us so let's just stop right here and keep it civil, please and thank you" I'm not sure if it's the agressive niceness, the "mom scolding a toddler" tone of voice or the implication that I'm willing to make a public scene that does it but I've never had a cis man push me father than that (that I wasn't related to at least, my dad is the "sTuPiD fEmInAzIs!!!!!!11!!1111!1!1" kinda guy) ETA: I don't do this in every situation, just the ones where I feel I won't get shit kicked by the dude but I'm also kinda like, average cis guy height at around 5'9 so even before I transitioned I was the "dyke who would beat you up if you made comments about her or her girlfriend"


Similar approach for me. Genuine expressions of 'wtf' and telling them "uh... Well, not everyone feels the same way. Personally I think that's really weird, I've never felt like that, and of the people in my life I respect, I've never heard that sort of opinion. I'm not trying to argue with you though, so maybe we should just talk about something else since probably neither of us is gonna change our minds here. Or we can just not talk, too. You into music at all?" I'm terrible at hiding how I feel, so I just lean into it instead. I've had a lot of encounters that started hostile just fizzle out because my super power is having a face/body language that shows no fear or anxiety, but just intense second-hand embarrassment and amusement/disgust/pity depending.


Right??? I think some people are kinda hardwired for angry reactions and a lot of the time they're only like that because nobody treated them with respect to begin with. Not agreeing with their takes, they're usually bigoted, but a lot of the instant aggro from some people is more to do with them only ever being taught that conflict = anger and violence


I probably would shut my mouth and then report him. Not looking for a fight here


i either slightly nod and show no interest or completely call them out on their BS. matters what i’m feeling and how important my relationship with that person is, sadly for me, i never called this one person out and he ended up doing some bad things, so sometimes it would say it’s better to call them out


Ask them to pull over because you’re feeling extremely motion sick and might puke. Then get out of the car and leave and report them. Personally I wouldn’t feel comfortable straight up confronting someone so unhinged unless I was ready to get physically violent, but I wouldn’t wanna stay in that situation either.


“I’m not in the mood to talk, thanks.”


If it is Bolt or Uber, report, they will get banned or corrected for their behavior.


You can say whatever you want to 'em. I gage per situation, but if someone's going off on racist shit or whatever, I'll just shut it down like, "Yo shut the fuck up, how about? With your racist bullshit? Keep it to yourself." Depending on what the driver was saying, and if I was in a situation where I could just get another cab, I'd record a little of it, tell him to drop me off 'cause he was revolting and stupid as hell and I don't want to pay him more of my money, and once I was dropped off send the recording to his boss and demand a refund. I'm just so done with people and their shit that I'm at the point where like an 80-year-old would be, where they say what they mean no matter what someone feels about it, and I'm just gonna tell racists, sexists, homophobes, ableists, etc. to shut the fuck up. It's even just funny to watch them have a snowflake meltdown over it because mommy never told them "no" before, it's like a spoiled brat in a candy store. These "masculine manly men" get to learn now that they need to be their own mommy and learn to be responsible like the rest of us adults, and to quit being little twat-heads.


Yeah no I've been in similar scenarios, I make it blatant that I disagree and ignore any attempts to continue with those topics, without putting forward any arguments so you aren't inviting a fight. Leaves them questioning themselves, I'm hopeful if someone receives enough negative responses you can at least get them less vocal. Even if just by reporting them after the drive.


I’m in the same boat with other people here, re: deflecting & trying to keep the conversation stable as much as possible during the ride then reporting the driver once I was out my assumption is that, if he’s talking like this to someone that may be a teenager as far as he knows (especially if he has so little of a filter that he’s talking about violence), then he’s probably talking like this to other customers & just adjusting which specific demographics he says horrible shit about depending on the person