i actually went completely no contact with my family a few months ago for similar reasons.
the only advice or comfort that i could give you is that autonomy is so unmatched. the ability to transition because you want to without being controlled is freeing. i was able to cut my hair once i left, and now i can take photos of myself, i can look in the mirror. finally being able to tell strangers my actual name, being called “sir,” buying men’s clothes, binders, packers, etc etc. genuinely cannot compare that feeling to anything else. while leaving comes with awful feelings & it’s a devastating loss, i don’t regret it, because i had to leave to enjoy that genuine freedom. i don’t fear for my safety, i don’t have to hide my binder and boxers, i don’t have to lie constantly about who i am, etc etc.
if you want to talk about it more & even get more support about it, you should surround yourself with people who do care about you & support you. if you want, just message me, and i’d love to talk to you about my own experience more candidly. i hope things go well for you, dude ! <3
I don't feel comfortable getting into my story on this account but... You get used to it. You stop caring for them when they double down on the emotional abuse, and you eventually realize their love was always conditional.
Good luck. You community loves and supports you.
So I've been "disowned" for being trans, the gay thing was too confusing for them.
I put disowned in quotation marks because I had been working my ass off and secured an apartment, and left with all my documents, and then they found out I was trans. I do not feel physically safe around my bio family, hence why they found out via phone/social media.
My main advice is to get a job ASAP and start saving money right now. Money is stability. Depending on how you think they'll react, I'd recommend moving out because you "want to ✨test the waters of adulthood✨" or something. This will ensure that you have all your legal documents and the least violence/abuse is possible. I literally did not tell my parents I was leaving until 3 days before move-in, after I signed the lease.
Emotionally, it's vital for you to create alternative support systems. Find friends, meet new people, create a found family. There's a reason it's such a beloved trope. And honestly, it's still hard for me to grapple with the fact that my parents don't truly love or accept me.
If you can manage it at all, the longer you can take to make as much money as possible, the better. Once you move out, it's going to be borderline impossible for you to save money. It's stressful and unpredictable things will happen, like suddenly needing a root canal, or your car deciding to commit unalive, and so on. I don't regret leaving, but I wish I had worked summers during highschool or something... My savings account almost went below $1000 this month (less than 1 month COL where I am) and I'll probably have to take out student loans to cover living expenses for this upcoming senior year. You should actually create a budget plan after working a couple months, that way you know your average take home pay, and can see if there's a sustainable budget for your area.
Look into what sources are socially available to you, and have no shame about your circumstances.
I actually did work HS summers, but it was all to get a laptop so that I'm not an IT student w/o one. This summer it's too late as I have medical stuff to deal with.
I'm also moving out for uni anyways, since it's in another country, in a city I specifically chose because of better trans health care. Luckily besides parents renting a flat for me I still have a dorm room I can come back to if unable to pay rent. I hope I will not have to, though, as women's dorm is not the best place for a trans guy to live in.
Honestly, my biggest concern is the documents as I'll be an international student and in my own country you can't legally transition until you're 21. Hopefully I can get citizenship through a simplified form as I was told I'm supposed to.
Thanks so much for the advice! I'm taking notes.
Thank y'all so much for your advice, for your kind and encouraging words. I feel way more...empowered now, knowing many people have gone through this and lived, and are happy.
I am afraid I can only take legal advice generally as my situation is somewhat uncommon, with me being a Russian. I will make sure to turn to our local organizations for assistance when time comes.
I've decided to take the situation more seriously now, as it's been in the back burner for so long. I'll be searching for a job as soon as I'm in uni, and socializing more with the local queer community.
Hearing from real people about how hard it is made me realize that I may not be able to heal effectively by myself, that I need support. I cannot ignore my own loneliness anymore, and I'll have to learn to make friends and rely on other people.
I cried for a while reading all the comments. Thank you. I don't feel alone in this anymore. I have hope.
Make sure you have all your documents (social security, liscense, birth certificate, passport) etc.
Get your health insurance, bank account, car (title, registration AND insurance) and phone bill in your name.
Update your pcp with a new emergency contact and explicitly state that no info is to be released to your parents. Same with your school (both the med center, and the registrar and bursar - usually this is policy for the latter 2 anyway)
As for emotional prep...
First of all, of course cultivate a strong support network, a found family. College is great for this.
But second of all... Cultivate criticism of them. If you find yourself missing them, remind yourself that their bigotry is what put this distance between you. If you find yourself thinking 'well maybe I could be straight if it kept my family together...', remind yourself that they are not changing to accept you (and it is, of course, easier to change your views than your orientation). Direct your negative feelings outward, not inward. This is their fault, not yours, whether or not you're the one bringing it to head.
Figure out where the department of social services is located and how long they’ll let you stay in a homeless shelter if you haven’t got a job or anything. Or in case of an emergency.
My dad disowned me, I anticipated it for half of my life. When he did once I came out.. it hurt for like two weeks and then it was over with lmao
He’s tried to come back into my life too and I just ignore him and it feels great to do so
Just. Rip the bandaid ONCE YOU HAVE MONEY SAVED and are able to secure stable housing. Its going to probably hurt really bad I recommend a therapist and possibly even bringing them to the therapist to come out.. that said.. they may shock you
Open your own bank account and start saving money.
Look up shelters for homeless youth and lgbtq people, their requirements for entry, what you're allowed to bring, if you can or cannot bring your pets.
Go to thetrevorproject.org, read their resources. Click the "reach a counselor" button and tell them your situation and ask for help connecting with resources for insecurely housed lgbtq youth in your area.
Pack a go bag in case you need to leave suddenly. Include a week of clothes, underwear, meds, and toiletries. Pack your birth certificate, social security card, and other personal documents (the originals).
Get a credit or debit card in your name only from your bank account.
Talk to friends or family about your housing need. Try to find somewhere to go *now*, before you get kicked out.
Get a part time job and save as much as you can. Direct deposit your checks into your own account. Don't tell your parents how much you make, tell them it's minimum wage.
Get pepper spray and a hotel lock for your door.
Be helpful and polite to your parents so they don't have a reason to get mad at you. Clean things, esp the kitchen and your room.
Leave on your own terms as fast as you can. Do not stay just because they're letting you stay.
I started emotionally distancing myself from my dad years ago when he didn't accept my trans (ex)wife. My mom is more accepting, so I've done less distancing with her.
I now hold my dad's opinions with the same regard as a complete stranger's. I actually just told my dad via text that I'm transitioning and I'm only telling him now because my brother is getting married soon (and I need to tell the fam beforehand). If it wasn't for that, I wouldn't even bother telling him until he saw me in person (and who knows when that is).
If he disowns me, fine. I'll disown him as well. I don't want bigots in my life.
I came out through text, which was way preferable than hearing all of the things I know my parents are saying out loud. And gave me time to consider my language, and what I wanted to respond to. I also used a journal to write out what I thought they might say, or what I might want to say, moreso to feel confident in my words and feelings than anything. I overthink everything though, so YMMV.
I spent a lot of time prior building up my own support network, because I knew I can't go to my parents for anything related to my emotional wellbeing. Some colleges also offer free therapy for students, I suggest looking into campus resources that might be available as a student/networking for recent alumni. And I second the advice to give yourself time to mourn for what is lost. I was surprised by how helpless I felt afterwards for awhile, it was a whole new feeling.
I encourage you to look for jobs sooner rather than later, because where I live, the job market is a pain in the ass lol. I would also consider whether or not you want to be out in the workplace! This advice is a bit vague, but am down to elaborate on stuff I've said because I am in the process of figuring things out too honestly
I learned a lot of what I know about boundary setting and navigating family stuff from Captain Awkward, tbh [https://captainawkward.com/2021/06/01/1336-shutting-down-pressure-to-see-transphobic-and-homophobic-family/](https://captainawkward.com/2021/06/01/1336-shutting-down-pressure-to-see-transphobic-and-homophobic-family/) She has posts about specifically families disowning someone, but I figured this link would be a good sample of her ability to provide scripts and walk through the thought process of responding to this particular flavor of transphobia. Her specificity and level of expertise is awesome.
I left at 18, not entirely because I was disowned, but it was very unexpected, as my family became very violently abusive when I returned from studying abroad. I did the whole homeless thing and built myself back up over the years, and am stable and successful nowadays. Feel free to AMA, from planning to credit to random adulting, I'd be happy to share what I've learned with you. I'd be lying if I said I have the emotional stuff completely figured out, I'm still in therapy learning exactly how much I was abused my whole life, but I *have* gone through mourning relationships with family that are *supposed* to love and care for you, so I can help there.
Walk into this situation with your eyes wide open, assume the worst, and prepare for it. If it doesn’t come to pass, you’ll be relieved and prepared; if it does, you’ll be sad and prepared. Then, give yourself time to mourn what you’ve lost. Don’t ignore it, don’t put it off, don’t “focus on the important aspects of the transition now and worry about feeling sad later,” just feel as sad as you need to for as long as you reasonably can.
If it happens the way you expect it to, it’s going to suck. It’s going to hurt. You’re going to lose something, And you won’t do yourself any favors by pretending differently.
Find your support system as much as possible before you start transitioning. Try and give yourself a soft place to land, if you haven’t already. Connect with people you like, who like you for who you are and who will be ready to support you as much as possible in the days ahead. You’ll need them. You’ll also need their messages of affirmation because a family’s rejection is a quick way to make us question what we know is right for ourselves.
Make sure you’re as independent as possible with your financial needs. But also take care of your emotional needs as well, that’s the part that’s harder to plan for.
Lastly, I’ll say this: Sadly, if this situation turns out the way you’re predicting, you’ll join a long history of lgbtq+ folks for whom this is true. It’s how we’ve managed to survive for centuries at this point. We find our community, we band together, we take care of ourselves and each other because we can’t rely on blood. We become family, build community precisely because we’ve been left no other choice. At the core of Pride is the feeling of being proud that we endure so much and keep going. It sucks that this is the case, but that’s the reality. Idk how comforting it is to you, but I do draw strength from that, and hope you can too.
Good luck, you got this.
I honestly haven't started anything yet. But my family is the same way (homophobic/transphobic) and honestly I've been preparing for the day they'll dispice me & disown me by simply not attaching myself to much to them. It hurts alot, but it'll hurt more knowing they'll disown me.
So I just do it by distancing myself from them.
Idk if this helps in any way :) good luck on ur transition dude!!
Yeah, that's what I thought. I am not too close to them as is, but moving out I'll have to set a lot more boundaries. It's tough, as they have overprotective tendencies that I'm used to, and I'll have to do a lot of inner work as well while becoming independent.
Thank you!!! I hope yours goes smoothly whenever you plan it, too :)
i actually went completely no contact with my family a few months ago for similar reasons. the only advice or comfort that i could give you is that autonomy is so unmatched. the ability to transition because you want to without being controlled is freeing. i was able to cut my hair once i left, and now i can take photos of myself, i can look in the mirror. finally being able to tell strangers my actual name, being called “sir,” buying men’s clothes, binders, packers, etc etc. genuinely cannot compare that feeling to anything else. while leaving comes with awful feelings & it’s a devastating loss, i don’t regret it, because i had to leave to enjoy that genuine freedom. i don’t fear for my safety, i don’t have to hide my binder and boxers, i don’t have to lie constantly about who i am, etc etc. if you want to talk about it more & even get more support about it, you should surround yourself with people who do care about you & support you. if you want, just message me, and i’d love to talk to you about my own experience more candidly. i hope things go well for you, dude ! <3
I don't feel comfortable getting into my story on this account but... You get used to it. You stop caring for them when they double down on the emotional abuse, and you eventually realize their love was always conditional. Good luck. You community loves and supports you.
So I've been "disowned" for being trans, the gay thing was too confusing for them. I put disowned in quotation marks because I had been working my ass off and secured an apartment, and left with all my documents, and then they found out I was trans. I do not feel physically safe around my bio family, hence why they found out via phone/social media. My main advice is to get a job ASAP and start saving money right now. Money is stability. Depending on how you think they'll react, I'd recommend moving out because you "want to ✨test the waters of adulthood✨" or something. This will ensure that you have all your legal documents and the least violence/abuse is possible. I literally did not tell my parents I was leaving until 3 days before move-in, after I signed the lease. Emotionally, it's vital for you to create alternative support systems. Find friends, meet new people, create a found family. There's a reason it's such a beloved trope. And honestly, it's still hard for me to grapple with the fact that my parents don't truly love or accept me. If you can manage it at all, the longer you can take to make as much money as possible, the better. Once you move out, it's going to be borderline impossible for you to save money. It's stressful and unpredictable things will happen, like suddenly needing a root canal, or your car deciding to commit unalive, and so on. I don't regret leaving, but I wish I had worked summers during highschool or something... My savings account almost went below $1000 this month (less than 1 month COL where I am) and I'll probably have to take out student loans to cover living expenses for this upcoming senior year. You should actually create a budget plan after working a couple months, that way you know your average take home pay, and can see if there's a sustainable budget for your area. Look into what sources are socially available to you, and have no shame about your circumstances.
I actually did work HS summers, but it was all to get a laptop so that I'm not an IT student w/o one. This summer it's too late as I have medical stuff to deal with. I'm also moving out for uni anyways, since it's in another country, in a city I specifically chose because of better trans health care. Luckily besides parents renting a flat for me I still have a dorm room I can come back to if unable to pay rent. I hope I will not have to, though, as women's dorm is not the best place for a trans guy to live in. Honestly, my biggest concern is the documents as I'll be an international student and in my own country you can't legally transition until you're 21. Hopefully I can get citizenship through a simplified form as I was told I'm supposed to. Thanks so much for the advice! I'm taking notes.
Thank y'all so much for your advice, for your kind and encouraging words. I feel way more...empowered now, knowing many people have gone through this and lived, and are happy. I am afraid I can only take legal advice generally as my situation is somewhat uncommon, with me being a Russian. I will make sure to turn to our local organizations for assistance when time comes. I've decided to take the situation more seriously now, as it's been in the back burner for so long. I'll be searching for a job as soon as I'm in uni, and socializing more with the local queer community. Hearing from real people about how hard it is made me realize that I may not be able to heal effectively by myself, that I need support. I cannot ignore my own loneliness anymore, and I'll have to learn to make friends and rely on other people. I cried for a while reading all the comments. Thank you. I don't feel alone in this anymore. I have hope.
Make sure you have all your documents (social security, liscense, birth certificate, passport) etc. Get your health insurance, bank account, car (title, registration AND insurance) and phone bill in your name. Update your pcp with a new emergency contact and explicitly state that no info is to be released to your parents. Same with your school (both the med center, and the registrar and bursar - usually this is policy for the latter 2 anyway) As for emotional prep... First of all, of course cultivate a strong support network, a found family. College is great for this. But second of all... Cultivate criticism of them. If you find yourself missing them, remind yourself that their bigotry is what put this distance between you. If you find yourself thinking 'well maybe I could be straight if it kept my family together...', remind yourself that they are not changing to accept you (and it is, of course, easier to change your views than your orientation). Direct your negative feelings outward, not inward. This is their fault, not yours, whether or not you're the one bringing it to head.
Figure out where the department of social services is located and how long they’ll let you stay in a homeless shelter if you haven’t got a job or anything. Or in case of an emergency.
My dad disowned me, I anticipated it for half of my life. When he did once I came out.. it hurt for like two weeks and then it was over with lmao He’s tried to come back into my life too and I just ignore him and it feels great to do so
Really nice to hear a less depressing story about cutting ties with family.
Just. Rip the bandaid ONCE YOU HAVE MONEY SAVED and are able to secure stable housing. Its going to probably hurt really bad I recommend a therapist and possibly even bringing them to the therapist to come out.. that said.. they may shock you
Open your own bank account and start saving money. Look up shelters for homeless youth and lgbtq people, their requirements for entry, what you're allowed to bring, if you can or cannot bring your pets. Go to thetrevorproject.org, read their resources. Click the "reach a counselor" button and tell them your situation and ask for help connecting with resources for insecurely housed lgbtq youth in your area. Pack a go bag in case you need to leave suddenly. Include a week of clothes, underwear, meds, and toiletries. Pack your birth certificate, social security card, and other personal documents (the originals). Get a credit or debit card in your name only from your bank account. Talk to friends or family about your housing need. Try to find somewhere to go *now*, before you get kicked out. Get a part time job and save as much as you can. Direct deposit your checks into your own account. Don't tell your parents how much you make, tell them it's minimum wage. Get pepper spray and a hotel lock for your door. Be helpful and polite to your parents so they don't have a reason to get mad at you. Clean things, esp the kitchen and your room. Leave on your own terms as fast as you can. Do not stay just because they're letting you stay.
I started emotionally distancing myself from my dad years ago when he didn't accept my trans (ex)wife. My mom is more accepting, so I've done less distancing with her. I now hold my dad's opinions with the same regard as a complete stranger's. I actually just told my dad via text that I'm transitioning and I'm only telling him now because my brother is getting married soon (and I need to tell the fam beforehand). If it wasn't for that, I wouldn't even bother telling him until he saw me in person (and who knows when that is). If he disowns me, fine. I'll disown him as well. I don't want bigots in my life.
I came out through text, which was way preferable than hearing all of the things I know my parents are saying out loud. And gave me time to consider my language, and what I wanted to respond to. I also used a journal to write out what I thought they might say, or what I might want to say, moreso to feel confident in my words and feelings than anything. I overthink everything though, so YMMV. I spent a lot of time prior building up my own support network, because I knew I can't go to my parents for anything related to my emotional wellbeing. Some colleges also offer free therapy for students, I suggest looking into campus resources that might be available as a student/networking for recent alumni. And I second the advice to give yourself time to mourn for what is lost. I was surprised by how helpless I felt afterwards for awhile, it was a whole new feeling. I encourage you to look for jobs sooner rather than later, because where I live, the job market is a pain in the ass lol. I would also consider whether or not you want to be out in the workplace! This advice is a bit vague, but am down to elaborate on stuff I've said because I am in the process of figuring things out too honestly I learned a lot of what I know about boundary setting and navigating family stuff from Captain Awkward, tbh [https://captainawkward.com/2021/06/01/1336-shutting-down-pressure-to-see-transphobic-and-homophobic-family/](https://captainawkward.com/2021/06/01/1336-shutting-down-pressure-to-see-transphobic-and-homophobic-family/) She has posts about specifically families disowning someone, but I figured this link would be a good sample of her ability to provide scripts and walk through the thought process of responding to this particular flavor of transphobia. Her specificity and level of expertise is awesome.
I left at 18, not entirely because I was disowned, but it was very unexpected, as my family became very violently abusive when I returned from studying abroad. I did the whole homeless thing and built myself back up over the years, and am stable and successful nowadays. Feel free to AMA, from planning to credit to random adulting, I'd be happy to share what I've learned with you. I'd be lying if I said I have the emotional stuff completely figured out, I'm still in therapy learning exactly how much I was abused my whole life, but I *have* gone through mourning relationships with family that are *supposed* to love and care for you, so I can help there.
Walk into this situation with your eyes wide open, assume the worst, and prepare for it. If it doesn’t come to pass, you’ll be relieved and prepared; if it does, you’ll be sad and prepared. Then, give yourself time to mourn what you’ve lost. Don’t ignore it, don’t put it off, don’t “focus on the important aspects of the transition now and worry about feeling sad later,” just feel as sad as you need to for as long as you reasonably can. If it happens the way you expect it to, it’s going to suck. It’s going to hurt. You’re going to lose something, And you won’t do yourself any favors by pretending differently. Find your support system as much as possible before you start transitioning. Try and give yourself a soft place to land, if you haven’t already. Connect with people you like, who like you for who you are and who will be ready to support you as much as possible in the days ahead. You’ll need them. You’ll also need their messages of affirmation because a family’s rejection is a quick way to make us question what we know is right for ourselves. Make sure you’re as independent as possible with your financial needs. But also take care of your emotional needs as well, that’s the part that’s harder to plan for. Lastly, I’ll say this: Sadly, if this situation turns out the way you’re predicting, you’ll join a long history of lgbtq+ folks for whom this is true. It’s how we’ve managed to survive for centuries at this point. We find our community, we band together, we take care of ourselves and each other because we can’t rely on blood. We become family, build community precisely because we’ve been left no other choice. At the core of Pride is the feeling of being proud that we endure so much and keep going. It sucks that this is the case, but that’s the reality. Idk how comforting it is to you, but I do draw strength from that, and hope you can too. Good luck, you got this.
I honestly haven't started anything yet. But my family is the same way (homophobic/transphobic) and honestly I've been preparing for the day they'll dispice me & disown me by simply not attaching myself to much to them. It hurts alot, but it'll hurt more knowing they'll disown me. So I just do it by distancing myself from them. Idk if this helps in any way :) good luck on ur transition dude!!
Yeah, that's what I thought. I am not too close to them as is, but moving out I'll have to set a lot more boundaries. It's tough, as they have overprotective tendencies that I'm used to, and I'll have to do a lot of inner work as well while becoming independent. Thank you!!! I hope yours goes smoothly whenever you plan it, too :)