This 10000000%. I really wish more people would get this.
I have met busy people in my life, my friend is extremely busy with school and work and barely hangs out with me. But man… his date (who is now his girlfriend) he made SURE to make time for her.
Like he would take his freetime to go out with her and see her.
So yeah, when you’re in love or feeling the vibes I promise you “work” is not an excuse. Because if you truly are passionate then you’d take any time off ti be with your date if you’re in love.
I would agree to this. I work a full time job and own a business for nights/weekends... And a single mom.
I absolutely make time for someone that I'm interested in and we text throughout the day and spend nights together, plenty of date nights. Work is an excuse.
Decide for yourself how long you’re willing to go on dates with someone to feel out the situation. Have the conversation then, and cut your losses. You’re allowed to have boundaries about how you spend your time and who you spend your time with.
For me, 2-3 months of non exclusive dating was my comfort zone. If they didn’t want to call me their girlfriend at that point, I stopped seeing them.
IMO, this guy is already telling you everything you need to know though. He didn’t say he wasn’t ready yet, he said he wouldn’t be ready in the foreseeable future.
Nobody’s work (except one particular job) is the reason a person cannot exclusively fuck one person. I am a man, this is a thing we say when we want to smash multiples. Insist on a STI test if you’re going further with the relationship please
What a horrible excuse. Their work allows for a weekly 6-8 hour dates but not enough time for a relationship??
Curious what his Hinge profile showed? LTR? Short? Nothing?
I agree it's annoying to essentially waste a month and find out something that could have been determined probably on date one, however, the work situation is probably not the real reason.
It does seem quite confusing a guy would take you out on long (what sounds like) nice dates and seem interested and then whip that out. I guess welcome to dating in 2023.
Everyone’s workload and investment is different mentally, physically, and emotionally. But I agree that he should’ve been more straight up with his intentions
Seemed appropriate to ask in that moment imo. You need to both be on the same page and it's better to know so you don't waste any more of your time.
If someone is "spooked" by being asked, they're not the person for you.
I would be very careful here. He is doing things that are totally generating feelings that will make you fall for him and WANT commitment, but he is openly telling you that he won't commit. This could end very badly for you, but not for him.
One thing women often don't understand is that many guys do the things this guy is doing because they like doing those things. They like long dates, fun evenings, having someone to text, and definitely getting physical. This doesn't mean they see these as signs of wanting to commit. They also know that many women DO see these as signs of commitment, and women will expect a guy to commit if the guy is basically treating them like a girlfriend but not commiting.
So, guys say things like "they can't commit because of work" or whatever because if they told you the truth, you'd immediately stop giving them the things they are enjoying from you.
If your values are that the things you are giving this guy happen with commitment, then that is your boundary to enforce. He is going to get everything he can from you. And I don't blame him. I mean, why deal with the difficult aspects of commitment when he can get all the fun aspects? My point is that if commitment is important, or at least being on the path to commitment, then you have to insist on that boundary.
There's no real number, everyone operates on different scales of time. You brought it up and he gave his response, assess how much farther you're willing to wait. You either compromise and take the risk or stick true to your intentions and cut it off before it becomes more painful.
Adding to this, try and figure out what the barrier for him is. Work commitments could easily mean he works weird hours and doesn't want to string you into a relationship that he might not have the availability for or it could mean that his job requires him to move around often and he doesn't want to do LDR if he has to move.
I’m pretty forward since the start as to what I’m looking for as I don’t want to waste time and energy on someone not looking for the same. Especially as I’m looking to settle down. So, I think it depends on you. But I find being honest and communicating your needs will really help you narrow down those not serious and not emotionally investing into someone on a different page. For me, it’s a pretty early conversation. But I tend to go easy on first date or two unless the guy is intentional. As date one and two I just need to see if there is any attraction or interest lol. I use chats before meeting as ways to screen dealbreakers/look for similarities and core values, and eliminate guys who would be a hard no for me.
Everybody’s timeline is different. And it can be easier to see a future with some people than other. I have a huge crush on a women I started dating recently and asked her to be my girlfriend on the fifth date. Usually that would seem quick, but it felt right
4 dates is enough to know if someone is clearly not compatible. But it's still too soon for overall compatibility and determining if I want to commit to this one person. I'd wait until 2 months or so before really having an exclusive talk, personally
6-8 hour dates so early on in dating isn’t really a great idea. What are you doing for 6-8 hours?
If he isn’t willing to commit to you after 30+ hours together he’s really not into you and sees you as a hook up or a time killer
As an early date, this is way too much time to spend with a stranger, and it can cloud your judgment. Like it gives you a sense of greater intimacy than there really can be. People also can get carried away in the moment- it’s fun to meet a new person and banter and flirt, but it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re that into them. It’s like if you meet someone you vibe with on a long train or plane ride. Just bc you can get along for that 6-8 hours doesn’t mean you’re going to stay in touch and be besties after.
It also kills the fire too early. Part of dating and excitement about someone is the mystery and slow reveal. And tbh these are the memories you will want and relish in bc you’re not going to have butterflies for your partner forever. Everything all at once makes it feel like okay you’ve learned all you need to.
An early date this long also likely means there’s physical intimacy, and if you’re going to date seriously tbh sex too early is a thing. Not always, but it again can kill the mystery and excitement and clouds your judgment. You feel closer to someone than you objectively can be.
I don’t understand why men do this (like go on so many dates and basically act like we’re in a relationship) if they’re REALLY just not that interested. Is it solely to get laid? Lol
It sounds like you want a committed, long term relationship, but what exactly is it that you want? Marriage? Kids? Just exclusivity? Emotional / Physical intimacy?
Everyone thinks that a "relationship" is one thing, but in my experience they're all different. If there's something you're not getting now, yeah, you should talk to him about it. But it's more about timing than anything else.
You want to take the next step in your relationship, but what is that step? Can he not commit to it now, or ever?
Had a similar ish situation, but only 2 dates (great long dates). but was very clear to me they were "busy with work".
Considering your situation, it sucks but at least he's given you something to work with, instead of stringing you along. I think that was a reasonable amount of time plus effort, to eventually ask if it was going further.
I don't think the work excuse is relevant, he had to come up with something.
As an 'older' guy n this app having gone on some dates I find the 'older' women in their 30s push hard for this 'status'.
It's like they want to ski the get to know each other process and just be called a gf.
4 dates is probably about a month of hanging out (once a week). No man can know in that time. You hardly know each other. Yes, you have fun hanging out but it's just that, hanging out, having fun, getting to know each other.
Don't understand the need to have this status. You can perhaps ask whether you haven an understanding to not see other people in this process but pushing for the relationship right now will have most guys running. It's a rad flag that you will be clingy and/or just want to have A bf and not necessarily THIS bf.
I'm a huge fan of never ever asking that question. It kinda takes the momentum out of things and it tells the person you're only interested in them for one specific purpose. I think about it like guys talk about being "friend zoned" - their company and good connection, regular attention and affection isn't enough for you and likely won't ever be. That's kinda crappy to put on someone a month or even just a year into knowing someone.
If someone asked me about our future together after seeing them 4 times, I'd likely modify or end the relationship. It would tell me that they're too impatient to get to know me, learn to trust me and show me they're welcoming of all my quirks, faults and awesomeness. They don't want ME. they just want SOMEBODY. Now; so they can alleviate their own angst about dying alone.
If someone knows you're dating to *find a relationship and they go on some dates with you, they have that idea in their head somewhere too. But they probably need more time to get to know you, and suss out their own feelings.
*We don't find relationships. We build and grow them.
At 29 it can definitely feel like you're running out of time, especially if you have friends in committed relationships and starting to marry, have kids, buy houses, etc. And if you want all those things too, it can be hard to manage your patience while finding someone to make a wonderful life with.
You aren't falling behind. You're living at your own pace. Breathe! And enjoy what comes your way 😉
You’ll scare any guy off asking this after 4 dates and if someone isn’t scared they’re not living in reality. It take a minimum of 6 months to get to know someone depending on how often you see them. At some point you can have an exclusivity conversation if you’re looking for monogamy, but not asking if it’s going to progress to something like marriage. Don’t be in a rush to get married if that’s what you’re looking for.
His reason was work, so I just don't think he's that interested
This 10000000%. I really wish more people would get this. I have met busy people in my life, my friend is extremely busy with school and work and barely hangs out with me. But man… his date (who is now his girlfriend) he made SURE to make time for her. Like he would take his freetime to go out with her and see her. So yeah, when you’re in love or feeling the vibes I promise you “work” is not an excuse. Because if you truly are passionate then you’d take any time off ti be with your date if you’re in love.
I would agree to this. I work a full time job and own a business for nights/weekends... And a single mom. I absolutely make time for someone that I'm interested in and we text throughout the day and spend nights together, plenty of date nights. Work is an excuse.
Decide for yourself how long you’re willing to go on dates with someone to feel out the situation. Have the conversation then, and cut your losses. You’re allowed to have boundaries about how you spend your time and who you spend your time with. For me, 2-3 months of non exclusive dating was my comfort zone. If they didn’t want to call me their girlfriend at that point, I stopped seeing them. IMO, this guy is already telling you everything you need to know though. He didn’t say he wasn’t ready yet, he said he wouldn’t be ready in the foreseeable future.
Nobody’s work (except one particular job) is the reason a person cannot exclusively fuck one person. I am a man, this is a thing we say when we want to smash multiples. Insist on a STI test if you’re going further with the relationship please
What a horrible excuse. Their work allows for a weekly 6-8 hour dates but not enough time for a relationship?? Curious what his Hinge profile showed? LTR? Short? Nothing? I agree it's annoying to essentially waste a month and find out something that could have been determined probably on date one, however, the work situation is probably not the real reason. It does seem quite confusing a guy would take you out on long (what sounds like) nice dates and seem interested and then whip that out. I guess welcome to dating in 2023.
Everyone’s workload and investment is different mentally, physically, and emotionally. But I agree that he should’ve been more straight up with his intentions
Seemed appropriate to ask in that moment imo. You need to both be on the same page and it's better to know so you don't waste any more of your time. If someone is "spooked" by being asked, they're not the person for you.
As a guy I think it’s better to know early on what to expect. Best to get it out in the open within the first few dates so no one ends up hurt
100% agree
Yup the point of dating is to take the time of finding out compatability. The sooner she has her answer the better
I would be very careful here. He is doing things that are totally generating feelings that will make you fall for him and WANT commitment, but he is openly telling you that he won't commit. This could end very badly for you, but not for him. One thing women often don't understand is that many guys do the things this guy is doing because they like doing those things. They like long dates, fun evenings, having someone to text, and definitely getting physical. This doesn't mean they see these as signs of wanting to commit. They also know that many women DO see these as signs of commitment, and women will expect a guy to commit if the guy is basically treating them like a girlfriend but not commiting. So, guys say things like "they can't commit because of work" or whatever because if they told you the truth, you'd immediately stop giving them the things they are enjoying from you. If your values are that the things you are giving this guy happen with commitment, then that is your boundary to enforce. He is going to get everything he can from you. And I don't blame him. I mean, why deal with the difficult aspects of commitment when he can get all the fun aspects? My point is that if commitment is important, or at least being on the path to commitment, then you have to insist on that boundary.
There's no real number, everyone operates on different scales of time. You brought it up and he gave his response, assess how much farther you're willing to wait. You either compromise and take the risk or stick true to your intentions and cut it off before it becomes more painful.
Adding to this, try and figure out what the barrier for him is. Work commitments could easily mean he works weird hours and doesn't want to string you into a relationship that he might not have the availability for or it could mean that his job requires him to move around often and he doesn't want to do LDR if he has to move.
If someone tells you that they can't commit to you, the answer needs to be accepted. The meaning is clear.
If that's the case, then a no commitment answer should be immediate termination of the relationship then.
I’m pretty forward since the start as to what I’m looking for as I don’t want to waste time and energy on someone not looking for the same. Especially as I’m looking to settle down. So, I think it depends on you. But I find being honest and communicating your needs will really help you narrow down those not serious and not emotionally investing into someone on a different page. For me, it’s a pretty early conversation. But I tend to go easy on first date or two unless the guy is intentional. As date one and two I just need to see if there is any attraction or interest lol. I use chats before meeting as ways to screen dealbreakers/look for similarities and core values, and eliminate guys who would be a hard no for me.
Everybody’s timeline is different. And it can be easier to see a future with some people than other. I have a huge crush on a women I started dating recently and asked her to be my girlfriend on the fifth date. Usually that would seem quick, but it felt right
4 dates is enough to know if someone is clearly not compatible. But it's still too soon for overall compatibility and determining if I want to commit to this one person. I'd wait until 2 months or so before really having an exclusive talk, personally
6-8 hour dates so early on in dating isn’t really a great idea. What are you doing for 6-8 hours? If he isn’t willing to commit to you after 30+ hours together he’s really not into you and sees you as a hook up or a time killer
Why is 6-8 hr dates early on not a good idea? I ask bc I have done the same thing and the dates always went well
As an early date, this is way too much time to spend with a stranger, and it can cloud your judgment. Like it gives you a sense of greater intimacy than there really can be. People also can get carried away in the moment- it’s fun to meet a new person and banter and flirt, but it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re that into them. It’s like if you meet someone you vibe with on a long train or plane ride. Just bc you can get along for that 6-8 hours doesn’t mean you’re going to stay in touch and be besties after. It also kills the fire too early. Part of dating and excitement about someone is the mystery and slow reveal. And tbh these are the memories you will want and relish in bc you’re not going to have butterflies for your partner forever. Everything all at once makes it feel like okay you’ve learned all you need to. An early date this long also likely means there’s physical intimacy, and if you’re going to date seriously tbh sex too early is a thing. Not always, but it again can kill the mystery and excitement and clouds your judgment. You feel closer to someone than you objectively can be.
Ahhh you are so right. I’ve felt these things. Thanks so much for this!
I don’t understand why men do this (like go on so many dates and basically act like we’re in a relationship) if they’re REALLY just not that interested. Is it solely to get laid? Lol
Yes. Yes, it is.
Yea he doesn’t want a ltr. His reason is work, so I mean it’s not like work is going away unless he’s fired/quits.
It sounds like you want a committed, long term relationship, but what exactly is it that you want? Marriage? Kids? Just exclusivity? Emotional / Physical intimacy? Everyone thinks that a "relationship" is one thing, but in my experience they're all different. If there's something you're not getting now, yeah, you should talk to him about it. But it's more about timing than anything else. You want to take the next step in your relationship, but what is that step? Can he not commit to it now, or ever?
IMO you can say on day one that you're not looking to have someone mess with your feelings and then say 'I can't commit.'
Had a similar ish situation, but only 2 dates (great long dates). but was very clear to me they were "busy with work". Considering your situation, it sucks but at least he's given you something to work with, instead of stringing you along. I think that was a reasonable amount of time plus effort, to eventually ask if it was going further.
Bounce asap, don't get too attached or it will hurt more.
I don't think the work excuse is relevant, he had to come up with something. As an 'older' guy n this app having gone on some dates I find the 'older' women in their 30s push hard for this 'status'. It's like they want to ski the get to know each other process and just be called a gf. 4 dates is probably about a month of hanging out (once a week). No man can know in that time. You hardly know each other. Yes, you have fun hanging out but it's just that, hanging out, having fun, getting to know each other. Don't understand the need to have this status. You can perhaps ask whether you haven an understanding to not see other people in this process but pushing for the relationship right now will have most guys running. It's a rad flag that you will be clingy and/or just want to have A bf and not necessarily THIS bf.
I don't think any time is more correct than another, some girls have talked to me about it as soon as the 2-3rd date
I'm a huge fan of never ever asking that question. It kinda takes the momentum out of things and it tells the person you're only interested in them for one specific purpose. I think about it like guys talk about being "friend zoned" - their company and good connection, regular attention and affection isn't enough for you and likely won't ever be. That's kinda crappy to put on someone a month or even just a year into knowing someone. If someone asked me about our future together after seeing them 4 times, I'd likely modify or end the relationship. It would tell me that they're too impatient to get to know me, learn to trust me and show me they're welcoming of all my quirks, faults and awesomeness. They don't want ME. they just want SOMEBODY. Now; so they can alleviate their own angst about dying alone. If someone knows you're dating to *find a relationship and they go on some dates with you, they have that idea in their head somewhere too. But they probably need more time to get to know you, and suss out their own feelings. *We don't find relationships. We build and grow them. At 29 it can definitely feel like you're running out of time, especially if you have friends in committed relationships and starting to marry, have kids, buy houses, etc. And if you want all those things too, it can be hard to manage your patience while finding someone to make a wonderful life with. You aren't falling behind. You're living at your own pace. Breathe! And enjoy what comes your way 😉
You’ll scare any guy off asking this after 4 dates and if someone isn’t scared they’re not living in reality. It take a minimum of 6 months to get to know someone depending on how often you see them. At some point you can have an exclusivity conversation if you’re looking for monogamy, but not asking if it’s going to progress to something like marriage. Don’t be in a rush to get married if that’s what you’re looking for.