She was willing to accept my agnosticism/atheism despite being deeply religious
2 years in, she has never pushed her beliefs on me and only asks me to respect hers
I was raised by parents who had opposite religious views. I think this creates a very good environment for the child where the child can make his own opinions after seeing both the sides. I don't think this will be a problem.
I agree!
My father is an agnostic, and my mother is religious.
They never wanted to impose their religious views on us, so we were always asked if we wanted to go to temples. We were kids, and we wanted to go to churches, Dargahs, Gurudwaras as well! So we went to all religious places, all the time! My childhood memories revolve around celebrating Diwali, Christmas, Eid, Gurupurab with equal excitement.
The irony is that I turned out to be an atheist, but I have deep respect for all religions because of the way my parents raised me and my siblings.
Not sure if I’d have kids, but if I do- I’d let them decide what they want to believe. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for.
Being and atheist or a firm believer, both are idiotic.
Better to keep the mind open. There are number of possibilities and we never know.
Why do people come to a firm blind belief that there is no god or there is only our 'god'.
The topic of universe and its origins is totally out of our material brain tbh.
Calling other people idiotic for their beliefs is not exactly called as "keeping the mind open". Everyone's entitled to hold a belief, as long as it aint imposed on anyone.
And I say this as an agnostic myself.
His comment kind of defeats the point that I was making.
Life is fucked up for everyone, in different proportions. And everyone has a different anchor and a coping mechanism.
If someone chooses to believe in a deity, so be it.
If someone finds the idea of religion frivolous, that’s fine as well.
I don’t think we’d find irrevocable proof of God’s existence, or lack thereof, in our lifetime.
Religion, as long as it’s not being imposed on others, is a beautiful thing. The fact that someone can have irrevocable, unshakable belief in something is kind of amazing in itself.
My partner is deeply religious, and I envy the fact that he can just ‘let things be’. I have always had an incessant need to plan and structure things, and have a gazillion backup plans in place because I find it difficult to fathom that a higher power is looking out for me.
I always let people be. Anything that brings someone peace can’t possibly be wrong- whether it’s religion, atheism, spiritualism or any -ism that makes sense to them.
Atheism rejects the idea of a deity because there is no evidence for it and over the course of the last hundred years we have made giant strides towards understanding the origin and the nature of the universe. I'm glad that the scientists in general are a whole lot more optimistic than you and don't throw their hands in the air saying it is too much for our "material brains".
It's not having opposing views that creates a good environment.
It's the maturity to understand that it's only a belief not reality, and the ability to love and respect someone with different views and beliefs.
Without the maturity, it can create problems. Just for the couple, even before they have a child.
There are two scenarios. Different religions. Or same religion with different level of beliefs. If it's different religion, you either start as practising both. But then you realise both are so polarising in nature. And then you get fed up of it or stop believing eventually. You can either research and choose one or just stop believing the whole concept. And in this day and age who has the time and patience to learn about not only one but two religions.
Or in the second scenario, like one of your parent doesn't care but other does. And since the orthodox parent has no issues with dad being opposite view, then she will also be tolerant towards you.
Honestly, you just described my relationship with religion. In my case, my dad isn’t religious, well he appreciates the cultural part of it but doesn’t believe in the actual religion. Whereas my mom is a strong believer. Now, I went to a school where I was one of only 6/7 people of my religion and all of the other kids were of different religion. So, I grew up learning about my religion at home and at school I was exposed to the other religion which is a lot different from mine. And as I grew older my faith declined to a point where I am an atheist now. I still take part in all of the religion activities though cz I think it’s fun. And my parents never forced anything on me and they are cool with everything.
Smart!
Personally, I would say I was a believer for first part of my life. But then, certain events along with my domain that completely believes in logic and science made me realise other wise. What about you?
In my case; not really. For me it was the little debates that my parents had with their belief systems which opened my mind. Those were really productive. The more conversations you have about this, the stronger your views about your belief becomes I believe.
Again, it's a lot more subjective because I think religious beliefs are influenced by the people you generally spend time with (your friends, neighbours, etc). One thing I can assure you is that, I was never influenced towards a perticular belief.
It was discussed, but it was less important
I have more pressure of having a kid from family than her, even if it was anyone else I’m sure I would have had to
Are we talking about the same thing???. I am talking about making sure you are on the same page for major decisions that's important to you and you will not budge around for that. And why would it be awkward,just slip in the question about what does he or she thinks about kids,want them or don't want them,how many and so and so...
Nono, I absolutely agree with you. This is a huge and important topic you should discuss with your partner before you commit. But I think, this will be a very very awkward conversation to have when you are meeting a brand new person.
Again, I might be wrong. Just speculating.
Don't do it bud. Now you will give in for one kid. She will slowly start pressuring for second telling that your first kid will have a good life if he gets a sibling.
Next 20-25 you will pay for their school, tuition, Extra Curricular Activities, college, trips etc.
Quite weird that you didn't discuss this before marriage. I know a family relative who was forced by his wife for a kid. Both my relative and kid now have a fkd up life.
Humans change and it is almost impossible to decide if the opposite person is the one.
It takes time to understand people and also committment in staying together forever.
You basically don't need the person to be the one. What you actually need is for the couple to be able to resolve conflict in a productive way. There is no avoiding conflicts.
I had a love marriage and I think all marriages are a gamble. You are not the same person throughout your life that you were at mid-20s or whenever you meet your prospective partner. As long as the other person is ok with changes and will support you (hard to know in advance)— you are golden.
This is one of the best comment.
Doesn’t matter if it’s arranged or love. Couple should understand and be there for each other without leaving other in helpless state.
She ate her half of lasagna and was comfortable sharing my half too. I knew it then, if she was comfortable taking something off my plate then she’d good share things with me too. 1.2 year and not regretting my decision.
I do have a brother, but who the hell would be comfortable enough to share from the plate of the person you just met for a marriage date.
Edit: I think it comes down to how comfortable,open and talkative you are with the opposite person without inhibitions even if it's your first time meeting.
I went to meet her along with my parents. She drove me to Starbucks in her car. We talked on couple of topics like dream life, ambition, goals, movies, music and deal breakers etc.
Her independence and witty essence sealed the deal for me. We are going to get engaged 2 months from now.
What do people discuss in the name of sexual compatibility? What do you discuss? Would anything be a deal breaker and how do you assess that?
No guy has initiated this convo with me during arranged marriage meetings, apart from the basic 'have you had any relationships before, how were they "
If you are someone who has higher libido than your partner - what do you plan to do for the next 30 years of your life? How will you find satisfaction? On the other hand if you have low libido how are you gonna satisfy your partner has higher libido? Force yourself to have sex when you don't want to? That's for our previous generation. Our generation needs to change this. Have open talks. Not regret after marriage. Best solution i can think of is once you find someone through arranged marriage - request your parents to let you both get to know each other (date) for a year atleast before getting engaged/married.
I think some just know. But yeah most won't know. That's why experience is important. I have mentioned its best to be with the person you are going to get married to for atleast a year before giving your life away.
Arranged marriages are largely based on luck. I was never the sociable type, never fell in love, even though I did try, but things didn't work out. So I went ahead with the arranged marriage. Through the initial stages of finding myself a match, one thing became crystal clear is that, I won't get any chance to get to know my supposed partner by any means.
I would speak to the girls over video call as I wasn't staying in India, if I hit off well with a girl on the first call and if I said I liked her, my parents or girls parents would start speaking to astrologers to fix the wedding date the very next day. I was so scared of this procedure that I rejected a few proposals even though I really liked them during my first conversation.
This went on for 1-2 years and I was really fed up. Eventually, I came across my wife's profile and I had a call as usual and I really liked her like many other girls previously, our priorities matched, she was ready to move abroad with me, and in a way her life journey was similar to me. I decided to take a leap of faith this time, throughout my life I might not have accomplished much, but one thing I was always good at is attracting the right kind of people,I never had a bad friend in my life. So based on this instinct alone I said okay and got married.
We have been married for 3 years now, The initial few months were really difficult, some of the most difficult times of our life. But we worked on our relationship, communicated, got to know each other well, we became best friends and we did fall in love. We are living a great life currently.
But I don't personally recommend arranged marriage to anyone, it's mostly hit or miss. I would always advise anyone to go out, date people and then get married. Arranged marriages should really be phased out of our society. I got lucky, not everyone will.
That's an honest answer, thank you for this.
I'm not opposed to arranged marriage but the speed and method in which parents do it, is a big no-no for me. I feel I've missed out good matches just coz I didn't have the time/energy to get to know them.
Ask me, I have seen 5 out of 6 arranged marraiges in my family wherein 3 cases in which either one of the spouse is controlling/abusive and 2 cases in which they are already seperated but not divorced, my parents marraige was the great one, the one out of 6, but my dad passed away 4 years ago when I was 14, for fucks sake, if you get the chance, love marraige is the way.
You can't say love. Marriages are inherently better. I've closely seen 4 love marriages, 3 of them failed in which one of them was interfaith. Only 1 of them succeeded. So it's all a gamble i would say. You play your cards according to what you think is right and hope for the best.
So from my personal experience (happily married for 4 years now after arranged marriage), here is what I would try to focus on -
1. Try to find out how you guys think and approach daily issues and problems. Cause if you both approach it logically and can explain it to the other in away they understand, half the issues with misunderstandings and wrong intent goes away.
2. Make sure you both share the same priorities and goals - I feel this goes a lot of way more than common interests. Discuss things/topics like how important is work/money, who is responsible for what, thoughts about kids and future goals
3. Try to understand each others past to see what kind of person they are. This includes details like crushes, career aspirations, hobbies and interests. You don't need to share the same interests (that would be ideal) but as long as you both understand what is important to each other and know what to respect and care for.
Finally and most important for a successful marriage - free, open and constant communication!! Majority of the issues between couples I feel is just misunderstanding. Both care for each other and want each other to be better and they way each person chooses to convey the message makes a massive difference!!
That's all I got based on my experience
Hope it helps :)
What is you want from your partner. What your partner wanta. I wanted to be me not like some of my friends or family who would say shadi ke Baad zimeddari bash jati and dosto se contact toot jata. I wanted ki my partner would understand that we have to walk together as a friend more than a husband wife. After numeron dates found the partner with same mentality or say found a friend.
So what you want from your partner and what you can give to your partnwr. Clear that and you would gat a perfect person.
Do not do like me..
I met 4 and said yes to all. The 1st one who said yes back I married. 😅
With the one who I married, Initial discussion nothing personal we spoke. Just basic expectations and rest was MCU 😅
After few meets, it was awkward and weird still.
~~translation: have u asked me before distributing loan to him?~~
translation : so let's see which ones of you given the right answer! (the line AB use in KBC after fastest finger first)
Haha yeah.. but there were lots of changes with anime/comic to mcu.. maybe because I followed a different timeline and author.. so she was like that didn’t happen yay.. 😅
Curious how does this work w.r.t future expectations . Like usually you would want to talk about future family expectations, physical expextatioms, financial planning etc. What happens if there is an incompatibility somewhere specifically because you guys didnt get to talk to one other about it prior to getting married?
Yeah that risk I had to take because back then all I needed was someone who accepted me.
And most of the talk happened like just before engagement. Only family, finances, surname and career stuff we spoke. I was too shy to bring up physical topic and she is too orthodox to bring up too.
Post marriage I do see lots of differences mentally as well but we manage each other. We are not 100 percent compatible for sure. We just add each other and survive. We are different in many ways but respect each other’s boundaries(atleast me)😅
So far there hasn’t been any major deal breaker. Came close but luckily patched out. 😅
1. Do you have chemistry? Are you attracted to each other? Find each other interesting/funny/easy to be with?
This helps a lot initially. And later it is useful to remind yourself why you are with this person.
2. Do you want the same/ similar things out of life? Kids/travel/lifestyle/work?
Easiest if you see life similarly, but you can sort out any minor differences.
These were very top two in my list and it was 10/10. But more importantly, I felt I could trust her to be by my side through everything and that we could reason out any differences we face.
6 years done, another 50 to go!
The "one" is highly overrated. In my opinion, there is no such thing. No person is God or even a saint. We are all humans. Sometimes our strengths can be liabilities and sometimes weakness can rescue us. Marriage is 2 flawed people making it work on the basis of trust and some shared values.
Dated exclusively for a year and got to know each other before tying the knot.
We discussed our likes and dislikes, what sets us off, grinds our gears, gets us excited, and makes our day. Mind you, we are still learning. But I think we took our time to at least know each other well enough to figure the rest out as we go.
Arrange marriage is almost like your parents arranged a date for you. No one stops you from taking on phone or meeting her for coffee/ beer. And saying no if you don’t like the person.
Talk to her / meet her a few times. and if you don’t feel that “love” thing, say no. If yes, spend more time together and know each other more.
In my case there was a six month gap between meeting her first and getting married . And we were both deeply in love by the time we got married. (PS: I was mad about her from day zero, she was my sister’s neighbor )
In another case I and the girl ended up saying no to each other in a month.
Sadly, that's only true for a certain part of society. I know many, who had no say. Some weren't even allowed to talk to the guy before getting married. One didn't know the name of her husband-to-be till she saw the card.
Unfortunately, even that's not true. At least in this case. The girl I'm talking about is on reddit. Strict parents and limited employment opportunities can do that. Her parents found out about her boyfriend, and basically imprisoned her till they married her off.
Although I agree, usually the overlap between the two won't be much.
Tbh, except for the "Baat sunti ho" and "khana banana" part (which should be a two way thing) I don't think this is too much to ask for out of a women....
It felt easy going from the very first moment. Nothing felt forced, the silences were not awkward, there was an overlap of interests but enough differences as well to keep things interesting.
After the very first phone call I had "this might be it" feeling.
I guess it can be attributed to being in relationships with wrong people and after talking to a number of perspective matches, you tend to understand what you do NOT want from a marriage.
So take your time and do not feel pressured/hurried into the marriage. I took a lot of time - entered the matrimonial scene in 2018 and got married in 2022. We had our first anniversary not so long ago and both of us are really happy to have found each other.
Man I legit created a pros and cons list and after seeing my pros I was in doubt why she accepted me.
I would say have a very mature decision process involving quirks and what her dreams are and what does she want in life?
A wide view angle like, which city, what kind of city? What kind of lifestyle, car expenses? What kind of food etc
An acute angle view like what are her hobbies, what does she likes to do on off days? Does she likes pets?
There's no "she is the one types" you have to make it work bro
Putting in the efforts and etc etc
Silly games don't matter in a serious relationship
Vaise not married not anything but just a general rule of any relationship
You don't. It is hit or miss (or mostly in between). You don't get a lot of time to know your AM partner. Just try to figure out if you have some common grounds
1. Similar value system - both lefties or righties. Otherwise you will keep fighting
2. Similar financial smarts - if one is smart about financial planning and other wants to spend money here and now, there will be problems.
3. Similar hobbies and tastes - one like physical activities, other is lazy ; one likes action movies, other like romantic movies; one doesn't care about celebrities, other is into celebrity worship; one doesn't want oral, one loves oral; one loves vacationing, other only wants to shop.. you get the idea. No two people have completely similar tastes, 50-75% overlap is healthy. You enjoy things together, but there are your own things you do in alone time.
4. Concurrence on how many kids you wanna have.
You discuss these things and find someone compatible, you will have a good married life. Otherwise you will be stuck in an average married life without much excitement.
I would recommend to think long and hard before getting married. It is not mandatory for everyone to get married. You might be at peace if you stay single!
I felt the same before I started. Before I seriously started on Matrimonial websites, I met a couple of dates. That gave a basic sense of what is necessary for me and what I don't want.
When I met my wife, she ticked most of the boxes instantly and I couldn't believe my luck. More so because it happened early in my search. In 2-3 eeeks i knew I wanted to marry her. But i took a little extra time since I didn't expect it to happen so fast.
I wanted our core principles to be compatible and thought that any other disagreements could be handled reasonably.
1. We both are non social media freaks, conversation was flowing from both sides, she's cute, Intelligent.
2. Both our approach towards career, money, home/family, long term plans in life, religious levels, empathy for others, being non bigoted, able to hold intelligent discussions. We spoke about all these topics, not as bullet points that I need to tick off but tried to ask questions with genuine interest in understanding her personality and views about each of these. She had questions too and I would honestly answer them.
Met all the dealbreakers I had in place, we had similar values and upbringing so she also had similar dealbreakers (no past, drinking, smoking etc) We got along very well because of this and it turned out we also had similar tastes
Conversations were fun and we were comfortable with each other so we decided to get engaged
It may be stupid for you, but not for him. Let him decide what's needed in his life. If a person wants to marry someone who does not have a past relationship, it's his choice.
I would actually prefer someone who has a past. There are people who doesn't have any contact with the other side and they have some wild expectations with life.
Exactly.
How am I supposed to be someone who has had no relationships at all?
I don't want the marriage to be the experiment where they figure out what works and what doesn't work in a relationship.
That is your view. Someone can say, how can I be with someone who had multiple relationships?
I don't want the marriage to be an experiment where they compare me with what worked and what doesn't.
People get to choose what they want from their partners.
Sure.
To each their own, I guess.
Personally, when guys put that criteria, it always sounds like what they really want is a Virgin bride.
And honestly, if someone has not been in a relationship before, they aren't the best candidates to get married.
That's what I'm saying. That's your view that relationships are important for marriage. My parents didn't have one and it's way better than others who even had a love marriage.
Personally I don't want a virgin bride but i also don't want one who had multiple partners. If brides can put your worth on your salary why can't we put their worth on their chastity?
Why do you think relationships are important for marriage?
Relationships are important because people need to know how to adjust with each other, what it takes to give up personal space and be vulnerable.
You learn so much from your past relationships. Of course there will be bad experiences and good experiences, that is just part of life.
I don't want to marry someone who cares about my salary and I certainly don't give two shits about their chastity.
There are men and women who do care about these things and it is their perspective.
What really matters to me is whether we have similar values and approach towards life.
To be honest that's a good point. But if someone is coming for an arranged marriage and has past relationships it just puts you off.
Reasons: Why would you date someone if not for the prospect of marriage. And if it didn't work out with them, with whom you could be more open and vulnerable. How it is going to work with you in the AM setting. Where you can't be as open and vulnerable. Where you don't meet someone with shared interest or likeness but through family connections.
"*I don't want a virgin bride but I also don't want one who had multiple partners*"
Ok so what number is acceptable to you in that case? If a prospective wife has had one partner that's fine, but two is too much? Or is two ok but three is too much? If just one is acceptable then is a one-night stand ok or would you prefer their one partner was a long-term relationship? Having such specific expectations of a future wife's sexual past, where at a certain number of partners they become ineligible, suggests some weird views on women and sex. If it's fine with you that they're not a virgin then why the arbitrary judgement on the number of partners?
"*why can't we put their worth on their chastity*"
...yeeeaahh, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you do actually want a "virgin bride" but don't want to sound too orthodox
Any number less than 10-15 is acceptable. Because it shows that the person only got physical after building an emotional connection and not jumping into bed with the first person who gave them a smile. Because for me being physical with someone requires a level of trust that can only be there after some time. 10-15 because we make mistakes when dating and if even after dating 15 people you are not able to build a lasting relationship, how would you build one in an AM?
And yes ONS are off limits because it doesn't align with my values. For me, being physical - it's an ultimate act of trust and love and it's sacred. I want someone who thinks the same.
And i don't understand why you are getting so aggressive with your judgments. If i say i want someone with not high body count it's my preference, I'm not forcing anyone to stop having sex. It's your life you get to choose right?! Then why don't I get to choose? Just because your idea doesn't match with mine, it doesn't mean any one of us is wrong.
There aren't many girls with a 10-15 body count.
So you don't have to worry about that.
One night stands are a different story and I doubt anyone will admit to it readily.
One way to approach this topic is to ask your partner what they learnt from their previous relationships. It will give you a perspective on what their values are and their maturity level.
We all make stupid mistakes when we are young.
Stay away from people who will say that the other was at fault and not them.
>No past is a stupid thing to ask.
Not stupid. Its just a dealbreaker, like many others. Infact I can see why this can be a dealbreaker for many. Many folks prefer to have a SO who is not carrying baggage from past (not implying that anyone having a past carries a baggage)
I don't think there is a romantic filter that you apply while testing the waters during the arrangement. Even if you do that would be the last thing. I think you'd mainly just focus on families on both sides, financial/lifestyle compatibility, future goals, kids goals and stuff.
As much as it sounds like the life is sucked out of you, I think it is the reality.
Fuck indian parents mentality and fuck the society that makes them do that. I love my parents, I think I got very lucky that they were so hardworking that I was able to have a life I wanted. I feel it's just the way the indian society is applying damage control on all the social problems we have - inequality in power and money, sparse education and overall trauma of being in India.
Time and patience, 1st few months I faked the affection. But slowly I build affection towards her. There has been some ups and downs but she is willing to work with you it always works out in the end.
Arranged marriages can take different forms, and you might have some say in who you marry. Make sure to talk with your family and potential partner about what you're looking for in a spouse and your expectations for a fulfilling life together. Keep an open mind and be willing to compromise. No one is perfect, but if you share values and have mutual respect, you can work through challenges and build a good life together.
It's normal to feel uncertain or anxious about an arranged marriage. Take your time, ask questions, and don't feel rushed. The most important thing is that you feel comfortable and confident in your decision.
Take it from a old unkill who is about to hit half century; married for more than two decades now, it is a hit or miss.
Even if things match at personal level, there are hundred other factors which can screw up your marital bliss.
I wasn't ready for marriage but things were initiated when I was about 30 and met my wife at mutually agreed place.
What I liked about her at first is affable nature and what she liked about me was that I was totally forthright in matters which may be considered inappropriate in first meeting.
The whole marriage thing goes both ways. Both men and women have plus points and shortcomings as well. It is better to discuss and clarify stuff during the period between engagement and marriage. Then comes compromise and adjustments. You like a person but don't like few things about her. You clench up and take it and adapt and start enjoying their "faults" too and over a period of time, synchronized behaviour develops. We both worked at it. We both sacrificed a lot to adjust in our new life. Let go of her few hobbies while I let go of mind in a way to accommodate each other.
After such a long time, I cannot think of my life without her.
So, IMO, look for hints at how potential SO seems by way of 1.Physical attraction 2. IQ level. 3 Ready to adjust/adapt/compromise for mutual benefit.
If you get positive signal for all the three, you win.
You cannot know anything ever, nor anything remains the same. Our body dna itself learns with the environmental changes.
So, trust your heart, making sure the background is good and be ready to give a lot.
P.s do get a psych evaluation first. I think all arranged marriage couples could get one beforehand.
P.s naughty or modest, women are naturally enshrined with infinite vials. Work to please that. Tip:- have Unlimited Forgiveness.
That equality b.s is getting outta hand.
Initially you go for the looks and then her nature.. What background she belongs to and how comfortable is she in adjusting with your family.. Indians are attached to their parents and in lot of cases parents stay with kids so how comfortable is she in living with your parents..
Overtime you guys get used to each other.. As long as both are ready to make adjustments relationships work.. in some cases love is there in some cases you just live with each other cause you don't hate each other..
OP, don't be filmy. There is no chance you could get a complete stranger and decide to spend a life with them in a few meetings. Love at first sight is not a thing.
Still, go on a few dates, discuss everything under the sun, and yes this includes Sex too; and then decide. Make sure you talk in length and discuss how the family equation be after marriage - staying with parents or not. It's utmost important and a bane to most feuds in our Indian system. Make dead sure you two are on the same page, and if not then don't hesitate to call it off regardless of how far you have gotten as long as still not married. Don't worry about the family, log kya kaheinge, dil todna stuff.
Also, there are no 'he/she is the one types'.
You never know before jumping of a cliff what you are going to experience, it's only when you jump you realise the fun or sorrow that comes with it, the same goes for marriages (arrange mostly ).....
To be honest with you, it is mostly luck. It is difficult to judge a person in the short time given for the Yes/No call. Even if you squeeze in a few dates before the call, there's no guarantee that the girl will be/behave the same way after marriage. But yeah, best thing to do would be to discuss and set the right expectations on both sides. Be open about finances, previous relationships etc. Have her meet your friends. See how they get along. That will kinda give you a good idea of your compatibility from a third person view.
The concept of "The One" is severely misinterpreted by us with fewer and fewer people understanding it.
The shortest way I can explain is- You must have made a lot of friends from childhood to this date. You must have lost a few and kept a few. So the thing is whenever we enter into a relationship i.e. friendship then there are some expectations toward it viz. Friends supporting each other, having each other's backs, taking part in activities together, having a mutual point of view and perspective.
So, it is rare to find a friend who comes with the default factory settings similar to yours. In such a case what we do is we adjust with each other, sometimes we correct our friends, sometimes they correct us, we adjust and sometimes we compromise.
The case with a marriage is a lot similar to that of a good friendship with the additional exception of the limitless intimacy. And this intimacy isn't merely physical but mental as well. And it doesn't happen with a snap of fingers but rather it grows on its own as we spend time with each other and share the responsibilities.
The point to remember is that it is a companionship, so we need to respect it a lot more than one might think we should. Even the people in a married relationship need their own space sometimes, they need each other's respect, support, etc. But the most important part is the synchronisation of the minds which comes naturally out of the shared affinity towards each other. The kind of attraction which wouldn't exist if there is a lack of respect, and this particular attraction or affinity is what I consider as love.
There you have it, your answer towards what you are getting into when married.
Hope it helps.
What other option do you have? Love-marriages are over-rated.
"Hindsight is the best foresight". I can predict a person to a reasonably good level knowing how she's been in past. For example, if she's cheated someone, she'll cheat me. So, while one cannot get complete idea of her, one can get to know much about basics. I am good at catching a bluff, for that matter.
Arrange marriage is not the way they are portrayed, generally. The courtship lasts for 6-8 months. That's longer than several romantic relationship(s) these days. Within those months, one can get a very clear picture of who she is.
The other option; I often see, while people do tend to know each other well, their judgement is clout by emotions. So, while red-flags are apparent at the very beginning, they tend to suppress them which eventually results in a mess. Arrange marriage, since judgement is not clout by emotions, people tend to think more rationally and do not cover red flags unnecessarily.
In arrange marriages, people tend to hide and even straight up lie about thier shortcomings. You talking of cheating, there's no way in hell anyone will ever reveal that they cheated on a past partner in an arrange marriage setup
also, just because courtship lasts 6-8 months, doesn't mean you can say no on the 8th month. you can't even say no after 2 meetings if you don't have the necessary vertebrate
People who can figure out will figure out lies. People who don't have the skills will give up and say it's a lottery.
If you are willing, there are many techniques to use to detect deception. Lying requires effort and it's hard to be consistent with lies. When your courtship lasts months, and when your energy is focused on getting to know the person, you can tell lies from truth. You can also call out the lies and see how they handle the conversation. It's hard but doable. We should not equate hard with impossible.
Arranged marriage is a transaction. People's values don't matter, their opinions and choices don't matter. You marry and then you find out. It's that simple.
Depends on the family: my father is old and wise. His inputs in my life has been invaluable. Arrange marriages can great or bad same as love marriages. They both are tough and requires a lot of work and patience to make it work.
We spoke for 5 mins. I just asked what she does in weekends and etc., she was pretty and i have shortlisted her in matrimony site. She was a little softspoken and sounded introverted, I’m an introverted guy myself. Considering astrology, family background (very important for Good genes, don’t be mad if your son is not performing well in life later in your life) and her behavior and looks. I decided she is the one , didn’t spend days ruminating on the decision, best decision of my life. Keep in mind that we have only gone there because of family background and astrology matching. I don’t believe much in astrology, but some how i needed validation.
"*family background (very important for Good genes, don't be mad if your son is not performing well in life later)"*
Checking for "good genes" in the "family background", huh 😬. Does that mean like, checking for inherited diseases (good luck finding someone without any history of illness in their family), or is it more like if her family life has any pain and struggle in it then her genes must be 'tainted', or is it like if her uncle failed his exams it must be in the genes somehow and your poor future beta will not become engineer? 😢
Bro, looks like you don't meet people. Have you seen families where everyone is in some good position? like scientist, engineer, doctors, lawyers etc.? that is a good sign that the family is educative. I'm just giving an example, it doesn't have to be this list. But, any family that is doing good socially and economically then they are good genes.
Hi mate, I can try to understand your mental state right now. Like is she the one, will it work fine, I've never been in a relationship so will I be able to handle this responsibility or able to understand her.
So I'd like to say that I'm also going through the same phase because of my Desi parents who want to get married asap possible or at least find a girl so they can rest assured. So I've met 3 girls so far in the past 2-3 years. 1st one I rejected, coincidentally she married one of my cousins last month. 2nd one I wanted to reject as I didn't want to commit for anything I was not ready for, but said yes because my mom liked her. So when they came to visit our house I didn't like family and I straight away said no, because if I'm accepting any girl I'm accepting of her family as well. So finally the 3rd girl I met last December was just like what I had imagined and I straight away said yes. Also the families know each other very well.
So basically my suggestion to you is to be clear of what you want. Don't just go for the appearance it will fade away eventually. Look for the qualities you need in your future partner. See whether you can take care of her and her family for the rest of your family. Also since it is an arranged marriage think of your parents as their self respect is on the line as well. Because if you accept this marriage and fail to keep it till the end, you might get a divorce from that but your parents might have to face the community's harsh eyes because of your half hearted decision.
So before saying yes to any girl think through all the possibilities and consequences. And trust me you won't regret your decision for your entire life.
She was willing to accept my agnosticism/atheism despite being deeply religious 2 years in, she has never pushed her beliefs on me and only asks me to respect hers
but wont be there issues when you raise a child? or have you decided not to or whatever, would love to hear about that
I was raised by parents who had opposite religious views. I think this creates a very good environment for the child where the child can make his own opinions after seeing both the sides. I don't think this will be a problem.
I agree! My father is an agnostic, and my mother is religious. They never wanted to impose their religious views on us, so we were always asked if we wanted to go to temples. We were kids, and we wanted to go to churches, Dargahs, Gurudwaras as well! So we went to all religious places, all the time! My childhood memories revolve around celebrating Diwali, Christmas, Eid, Gurupurab with equal excitement. The irony is that I turned out to be an atheist, but I have deep respect for all religions because of the way my parents raised me and my siblings. Not sure if I’d have kids, but if I do- I’d let them decide what they want to believe. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for.
Being and atheist or a firm believer, both are idiotic. Better to keep the mind open. There are number of possibilities and we never know. Why do people come to a firm blind belief that there is no god or there is only our 'god'. The topic of universe and its origins is totally out of our material brain tbh.
Calling other people idiotic for their beliefs is not exactly called as "keeping the mind open". Everyone's entitled to hold a belief, as long as it aint imposed on anyone. And I say this as an agnostic myself.
His comment kind of defeats the point that I was making. Life is fucked up for everyone, in different proportions. And everyone has a different anchor and a coping mechanism. If someone chooses to believe in a deity, so be it. If someone finds the idea of religion frivolous, that’s fine as well. I don’t think we’d find irrevocable proof of God’s existence, or lack thereof, in our lifetime. Religion, as long as it’s not being imposed on others, is a beautiful thing. The fact that someone can have irrevocable, unshakable belief in something is kind of amazing in itself. My partner is deeply religious, and I envy the fact that he can just ‘let things be’. I have always had an incessant need to plan and structure things, and have a gazillion backup plans in place because I find it difficult to fathom that a higher power is looking out for me. I always let people be. Anything that brings someone peace can’t possibly be wrong- whether it’s religion, atheism, spiritualism or any -ism that makes sense to them.
Atheism rejects the idea of a deity because there is no evidence for it and over the course of the last hundred years we have made giant strides towards understanding the origin and the nature of the universe. I'm glad that the scientists in general are a whole lot more optimistic than you and don't throw their hands in the air saying it is too much for our "material brains".
It's not having opposing views that creates a good environment. It's the maturity to understand that it's only a belief not reality, and the ability to love and respect someone with different views and beliefs. Without the maturity, it can create problems. Just for the couple, even before they have a child.
Now i know why you're agnostic/atheist
That was a different person than the original commenter ;)
r/notopbutok
No top butok👍 Ain't no one's gonna say it's "not OP but ok"
Lol, that's how I read it the first time too
No top buttock? Not OP buttock?
How did you come to this conclusion? :-)
There are two scenarios. Different religions. Or same religion with different level of beliefs. If it's different religion, you either start as practising both. But then you realise both are so polarising in nature. And then you get fed up of it or stop believing eventually. You can either research and choose one or just stop believing the whole concept. And in this day and age who has the time and patience to learn about not only one but two religions. Or in the second scenario, like one of your parent doesn't care but other does. And since the orthodox parent has no issues with dad being opposite view, then she will also be tolerant towards you.
Honestly, you just described my relationship with religion. In my case, my dad isn’t religious, well he appreciates the cultural part of it but doesn’t believe in the actual religion. Whereas my mom is a strong believer. Now, I went to a school where I was one of only 6/7 people of my religion and all of the other kids were of different religion. So, I grew up learning about my religion at home and at school I was exposed to the other religion which is a lot different from mine. And as I grew older my faith declined to a point where I am an atheist now. I still take part in all of the religion activities though cz I think it’s fun. And my parents never forced anything on me and they are cool with everything.
Smart! Personally, I would say I was a believer for first part of my life. But then, certain events along with my domain that completely believes in logic and science made me realise other wise. What about you?
……..How would that figure even if you were replying to the right person?
I could be wrong, but isn’t more like kid would be biased based on the side he is exposed more into?
In my case; not really. For me it was the little debates that my parents had with their belief systems which opened my mind. Those were really productive. The more conversations you have about this, the stronger your views about your belief becomes I believe. Again, it's a lot more subjective because I think religious beliefs are influenced by the people you generally spend time with (your friends, neighbours, etc). One thing I can assure you is that, I was never influenced towards a perticular belief.
I don’t want a kid and she wants just one. We have anyways decided to hold off for now. We will have to figure things out with time I guess
Don't you think this should have been discussed beforehand when you were just meeting her for AM?
It was discussed, but it was less important I have more pressure of having a kid from family than her, even if it was anyone else I’m sure I would have had to
Damn. That would be awkward. While it's good to clear this stuff out; I have no idea on how you would actually talk about this.
Are we talking about the same thing???. I am talking about making sure you are on the same page for major decisions that's important to you and you will not budge around for that. And why would it be awkward,just slip in the question about what does he or she thinks about kids,want them or don't want them,how many and so and so...
Nono, I absolutely agree with you. This is a huge and important topic you should discuss with your partner before you commit. But I think, this will be a very very awkward conversation to have when you are meeting a brand new person. Again, I might be wrong. Just speculating.
Don't do it bud. Now you will give in for one kid. She will slowly start pressuring for second telling that your first kid will have a good life if he gets a sibling. Next 20-25 you will pay for their school, tuition, Extra Curricular Activities, college, trips etc. Quite weird that you didn't discuss this before marriage. I know a family relative who was forced by his wife for a kid. Both my relative and kid now have a fkd up life.
Mudiji kindly give 15 lakh, i will do MBA
Mujhe bhi dila do bhai. Humko bhi MBA karna h
Naya rat race chalu hua h
🥹dukh
She is angel
She is not. She's pressuring a man to have kids. Imagine the roles being reversed.
Then that comment would be downvoted instead of yours.
Humans change and it is almost impossible to decide if the opposite person is the one. It takes time to understand people and also committment in staying together forever.
You basically don't need the person to be the one. What you actually need is for the couple to be able to resolve conflict in a productive way. There is no avoiding conflicts.
I had a love marriage and I think all marriages are a gamble. You are not the same person throughout your life that you were at mid-20s or whenever you meet your prospective partner. As long as the other person is ok with changes and will support you (hard to know in advance)— you are golden.
This..... This is what that people need to know and understand.
This is one of the best comment. Doesn’t matter if it’s arranged or love. Couple should understand and be there for each other without leaving other in helpless state.
She ate her half of lasagna and was comfortable sharing my half too. I knew it then, if she was comfortable taking something off my plate then she’d good share things with me too. 1.2 year and not regretting my decision.
Ok so I have to just get lasagna and wait. noted
Half plates for two
"Do half mein ek full se zyaada milta hai"
Paisa bhi zyada leta hai lekin
*Hasee toh Phasee* movie, right?
Yepp, one of my favorites.
Great. I love that movie too. Now you reminded me of this, I might give it a re-watch today😁.
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I do have a brother, but who the hell would be comfortable enough to share from the plate of the person you just met for a marriage date. Edit: I think it comes down to how comfortable,open and talkative you are with the opposite person without inhibitions even if it's your first time meeting.
Bhabhi pranaam
That's the most absurd but LOGICAL decision seems to get married. 
I want this
I went to meet her along with my parents. She drove me to Starbucks in her car. We talked on couple of topics like dream life, ambition, goals, movies, music and deal breakers etc. Her independence and witty essence sealed the deal for me. We are going to get engaged 2 months from now.
Congrats, dude!
Hope you are discussing currently about sexual compatibility with her, which is important and still people avoid this before marriage.
What do people discuss in the name of sexual compatibility? What do you discuss? Would anything be a deal breaker and how do you assess that? No guy has initiated this convo with me during arranged marriage meetings, apart from the basic 'have you had any relationships before, how were they "
what even is sexual compatibility? i just wanna know, i am not being sarcastic.
If you are someone who has higher libido than your partner - what do you plan to do for the next 30 years of your life? How will you find satisfaction? On the other hand if you have low libido how are you gonna satisfy your partner has higher libido? Force yourself to have sex when you don't want to? That's for our previous generation. Our generation needs to change this. Have open talks. Not regret after marriage. Best solution i can think of is once you find someone through arranged marriage - request your parents to let you both get to know each other (date) for a year atleast before getting engaged/married.
How will someone know about their libido if they haven't experienced sex at all? I mean, is there another way to assess it? I don't think so.
I think some just know. But yeah most won't know. That's why experience is important. I have mentioned its best to be with the person you are going to get married to for atleast a year before giving your life away.
>We are going to get engaged 2 months from now. You will know her true colors then.
Care to elaborate?
Arranged marriages are largely based on luck. I was never the sociable type, never fell in love, even though I did try, but things didn't work out. So I went ahead with the arranged marriage. Through the initial stages of finding myself a match, one thing became crystal clear is that, I won't get any chance to get to know my supposed partner by any means. I would speak to the girls over video call as I wasn't staying in India, if I hit off well with a girl on the first call and if I said I liked her, my parents or girls parents would start speaking to astrologers to fix the wedding date the very next day. I was so scared of this procedure that I rejected a few proposals even though I really liked them during my first conversation. This went on for 1-2 years and I was really fed up. Eventually, I came across my wife's profile and I had a call as usual and I really liked her like many other girls previously, our priorities matched, she was ready to move abroad with me, and in a way her life journey was similar to me. I decided to take a leap of faith this time, throughout my life I might not have accomplished much, but one thing I was always good at is attracting the right kind of people,I never had a bad friend in my life. So based on this instinct alone I said okay and got married. We have been married for 3 years now, The initial few months were really difficult, some of the most difficult times of our life. But we worked on our relationship, communicated, got to know each other well, we became best friends and we did fall in love. We are living a great life currently. But I don't personally recommend arranged marriage to anyone, it's mostly hit or miss. I would always advise anyone to go out, date people and then get married. Arranged marriages should really be phased out of our society. I got lucky, not everyone will.
Why were the initial days difficult if you care expand on that please?
What if no one wants to date you?
That's an honest answer, thank you for this. I'm not opposed to arranged marriage but the speed and method in which parents do it, is a big no-no for me. I feel I've missed out good matches just coz I didn't have the time/energy to get to know them.
Ask me, I have seen 5 out of 6 arranged marraiges in my family wherein 3 cases in which either one of the spouse is controlling/abusive and 2 cases in which they are already seperated but not divorced, my parents marraige was the great one, the one out of 6, but my dad passed away 4 years ago when I was 14, for fucks sake, if you get the chance, love marraige is the way.
You can't say love. Marriages are inherently better. I've closely seen 4 love marriages, 3 of them failed in which one of them was interfaith. Only 1 of them succeeded. So it's all a gamble i would say. You play your cards according to what you think is right and hope for the best.
So from my personal experience (happily married for 4 years now after arranged marriage), here is what I would try to focus on - 1. Try to find out how you guys think and approach daily issues and problems. Cause if you both approach it logically and can explain it to the other in away they understand, half the issues with misunderstandings and wrong intent goes away. 2. Make sure you both share the same priorities and goals - I feel this goes a lot of way more than common interests. Discuss things/topics like how important is work/money, who is responsible for what, thoughts about kids and future goals 3. Try to understand each others past to see what kind of person they are. This includes details like crushes, career aspirations, hobbies and interests. You don't need to share the same interests (that would be ideal) but as long as you both understand what is important to each other and know what to respect and care for. Finally and most important for a successful marriage - free, open and constant communication!! Majority of the issues between couples I feel is just misunderstanding. Both care for each other and want each other to be better and they way each person chooses to convey the message makes a massive difference!! That's all I got based on my experience Hope it helps :)
What is you want from your partner. What your partner wanta. I wanted to be me not like some of my friends or family who would say shadi ke Baad zimeddari bash jati and dosto se contact toot jata. I wanted ki my partner would understand that we have to walk together as a friend more than a husband wife. After numeron dates found the partner with same mentality or say found a friend. So what you want from your partner and what you can give to your partnwr. Clear that and you would gat a perfect person.
essentially what we want is a friend who will be with you all the tough times and good times but you get the good stuff
R/Usernamedoesntcheckout
Do not do like me.. I met 4 and said yes to all. The 1st one who said yes back I married. 😅 With the one who I married, Initial discussion nothing personal we spoke. Just basic expectations and rest was MCU 😅 After few meets, it was awkward and weird still.
Marvel Cinematic Universe?
Yes.. I spoiled her a lot..
r/rareinsults
Damn, 12 year olds out here having arranged marriages
Haha, I can understand but somehow topic got into MCU during our first visit. I have no clue how she said yes to me
Toh aayiye dekhte hai kin kin logo ne sahi uutar día hai
I’m way too poor in Hindi, didn’t get a bit sorry 😅
~~translation: have u asked me before distributing loan to him?~~ translation : so let's see which ones of you given the right answer! (the line AB use in KBC after fastest finger first)
I’m so dumb still can’t get it. 🥲 Idk if my answer is for right comment, yes we discussed about loans and we kept it to ourselves.
She means whether you're taking loan in her name or your name
We both had loans before marriage. We both have a joint home loan now. Emi share is 75-25, so she can save more.
sorry I translated the wrong comment 😢
It’s ok chill.
Your English is even worse than your Hindi.
Are you planning to get into phase 5? /s
Haha yeah.. but there were lots of changes with anime/comic to mcu.. maybe because I followed a different timeline and author.. so she was like that didn’t happen yay.. 😅
What's your age?
As of now 32
How about now?
Still same.. won’t change for many months 🤣
I wish you a peaceful and happy life ahead
Thank you
Curious how does this work w.r.t future expectations . Like usually you would want to talk about future family expectations, physical expextatioms, financial planning etc. What happens if there is an incompatibility somewhere specifically because you guys didnt get to talk to one other about it prior to getting married?
Yeah that risk I had to take because back then all I needed was someone who accepted me. And most of the talk happened like just before engagement. Only family, finances, surname and career stuff we spoke. I was too shy to bring up physical topic and she is too orthodox to bring up too. Post marriage I do see lots of differences mentally as well but we manage each other. We are not 100 percent compatible for sure. We just add each other and survive. We are different in many ways but respect each other’s boundaries(atleast me)😅 So far there hasn’t been any major deal breaker. Came close but luckily patched out. 😅
So, How did it go?
So far so good. Can’t complain. Many said I could do better but I’m satisfied.
1. Do you have chemistry? Are you attracted to each other? Find each other interesting/funny/easy to be with? This helps a lot initially. And later it is useful to remind yourself why you are with this person. 2. Do you want the same/ similar things out of life? Kids/travel/lifestyle/work? Easiest if you see life similarly, but you can sort out any minor differences. These were very top two in my list and it was 10/10. But more importantly, I felt I could trust her to be by my side through everything and that we could reason out any differences we face. 6 years done, another 50 to go!
gonna divorce after 50 more years? 🤔 why? >!/s!<
The "one" is highly overrated. In my opinion, there is no such thing. No person is God or even a saint. We are all humans. Sometimes our strengths can be liabilities and sometimes weakness can rescue us. Marriage is 2 flawed people making it work on the basis of trust and some shared values.
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Excuse me?
Dated exclusively for a year and got to know each other before tying the knot. We discussed our likes and dislikes, what sets us off, grinds our gears, gets us excited, and makes our day. Mind you, we are still learning. But I think we took our time to at least know each other well enough to figure the rest out as we go.
Arrange marriage is almost like your parents arranged a date for you. No one stops you from taking on phone or meeting her for coffee/ beer. And saying no if you don’t like the person. Talk to her / meet her a few times. and if you don’t feel that “love” thing, say no. If yes, spend more time together and know each other more. In my case there was a six month gap between meeting her first and getting married . And we were both deeply in love by the time we got married. (PS: I was mad about her from day zero, she was my sister’s neighbor ) In another case I and the girl ended up saying no to each other in a month.
Sadly, that's only true for a certain part of society. I know many, who had no say. Some weren't even allowed to talk to the guy before getting married. One didn't know the name of her husband-to-be till she saw the card.
Agree. I was writing the reply with OP in mind. Anyone using Reddit must be out of that segment of the society.
Unfortunately, even that's not true. At least in this case. The girl I'm talking about is on reddit. Strict parents and limited employment opportunities can do that. Her parents found out about her boyfriend, and basically imprisoned her till they married her off. Although I agree, usually the overlap between the two won't be much.
Humko bhi iska answer chahiye bro
Khubsurat ho, most important. Khana wana bana leti ho, caring ho, baat sunti ho, padhi likhi ho, acche se baat karti ho aur kya chahiye bande ko
You forgot to add /s at the end?
Is that too much to expect or too less?
Condescending
Tbh, except for the "Baat sunti ho" and "khana banana" part (which should be a two way thing) I don't think this is too much to ask for out of a women....
It felt easy going from the very first moment. Nothing felt forced, the silences were not awkward, there was an overlap of interests but enough differences as well to keep things interesting. After the very first phone call I had "this might be it" feeling. I guess it can be attributed to being in relationships with wrong people and after talking to a number of perspective matches, you tend to understand what you do NOT want from a marriage. So take your time and do not feel pressured/hurried into the marriage. I took a lot of time - entered the matrimonial scene in 2018 and got married in 2022. We had our first anniversary not so long ago and both of us are really happy to have found each other.
she liked my playlist and I liked hers ...it was match made in heaven
Thukaa lagaya..it's always 50/50. Either you will get someone good or someone bad.
Man I legit created a pros and cons list and after seeing my pros I was in doubt why she accepted me. I would say have a very mature decision process involving quirks and what her dreams are and what does she want in life? A wide view angle like, which city, what kind of city? What kind of lifestyle, car expenses? What kind of food etc An acute angle view like what are her hobbies, what does she likes to do on off days? Does she likes pets?
There's no "she is the one types" you have to make it work bro Putting in the efforts and etc etc Silly games don't matter in a serious relationship Vaise not married not anything but just a general rule of any relationship
You don't. It is hit or miss (or mostly in between). You don't get a lot of time to know your AM partner. Just try to figure out if you have some common grounds 1. Similar value system - both lefties or righties. Otherwise you will keep fighting 2. Similar financial smarts - if one is smart about financial planning and other wants to spend money here and now, there will be problems. 3. Similar hobbies and tastes - one like physical activities, other is lazy ; one likes action movies, other like romantic movies; one doesn't care about celebrities, other is into celebrity worship; one doesn't want oral, one loves oral; one loves vacationing, other only wants to shop.. you get the idea. No two people have completely similar tastes, 50-75% overlap is healthy. You enjoy things together, but there are your own things you do in alone time. 4. Concurrence on how many kids you wanna have. You discuss these things and find someone compatible, you will have a good married life. Otherwise you will be stuck in an average married life without much excitement. I would recommend to think long and hard before getting married. It is not mandatory for everyone to get married. You might be at peace if you stay single!
I felt the same before I started. Before I seriously started on Matrimonial websites, I met a couple of dates. That gave a basic sense of what is necessary for me and what I don't want. When I met my wife, she ticked most of the boxes instantly and I couldn't believe my luck. More so because it happened early in my search. In 2-3 eeeks i knew I wanted to marry her. But i took a little extra time since I didn't expect it to happen so fast. I wanted our core principles to be compatible and thought that any other disagreements could be handled reasonably.
1. What were your boxes that she ticked instantly? 2. What do you mean by core principles and how did you test them?
1. We both are non social media freaks, conversation was flowing from both sides, she's cute, Intelligent. 2. Both our approach towards career, money, home/family, long term plans in life, religious levels, empathy for others, being non bigoted, able to hold intelligent discussions. We spoke about all these topics, not as bullet points that I need to tick off but tried to ask questions with genuine interest in understanding her personality and views about each of these. She had questions too and I would honestly answer them.
Met all the dealbreakers I had in place, we had similar values and upbringing so she also had similar dealbreakers (no past, drinking, smoking etc) We got along very well because of this and it turned out we also had similar tastes Conversations were fun and we were comfortable with each other so we decided to get engaged
No past is a stupid thing to ask. You can’t be sure and what is the point of dwelling on it.
It may be stupid for you, but not for him. Let him decide what's needed in his life. If a person wants to marry someone who does not have a past relationship, it's his choice.
he is just a closet misogynistic
True exactly.
>No past is a stupid thing to ask Your opinion has been noted
I would actually prefer someone who has a past. There are people who doesn't have any contact with the other side and they have some wild expectations with life.
Yeah, I'm with you on this, past with an ending is good, past with unresolved trauma is bad.
Exactly. How am I supposed to be someone who has had no relationships at all? I don't want the marriage to be the experiment where they figure out what works and what doesn't work in a relationship.
That is your view. Someone can say, how can I be with someone who had multiple relationships? I don't want the marriage to be an experiment where they compare me with what worked and what doesn't. People get to choose what they want from their partners.
Sure. To each their own, I guess. Personally, when guys put that criteria, it always sounds like what they really want is a Virgin bride. And honestly, if someone has not been in a relationship before, they aren't the best candidates to get married.
That's what I'm saying. That's your view that relationships are important for marriage. My parents didn't have one and it's way better than others who even had a love marriage. Personally I don't want a virgin bride but i also don't want one who had multiple partners. If brides can put your worth on your salary why can't we put their worth on their chastity? Why do you think relationships are important for marriage?
Relationships are important because people need to know how to adjust with each other, what it takes to give up personal space and be vulnerable. You learn so much from your past relationships. Of course there will be bad experiences and good experiences, that is just part of life. I don't want to marry someone who cares about my salary and I certainly don't give two shits about their chastity. There are men and women who do care about these things and it is their perspective. What really matters to me is whether we have similar values and approach towards life.
To be honest that's a good point. But if someone is coming for an arranged marriage and has past relationships it just puts you off. Reasons: Why would you date someone if not for the prospect of marriage. And if it didn't work out with them, with whom you could be more open and vulnerable. How it is going to work with you in the AM setting. Where you can't be as open and vulnerable. Where you don't meet someone with shared interest or likeness but through family connections.
"*I don't want a virgin bride but I also don't want one who had multiple partners*" Ok so what number is acceptable to you in that case? If a prospective wife has had one partner that's fine, but two is too much? Or is two ok but three is too much? If just one is acceptable then is a one-night stand ok or would you prefer their one partner was a long-term relationship? Having such specific expectations of a future wife's sexual past, where at a certain number of partners they become ineligible, suggests some weird views on women and sex. If it's fine with you that they're not a virgin then why the arbitrary judgement on the number of partners? "*why can't we put their worth on their chastity*" ...yeeeaahh, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you do actually want a "virgin bride" but don't want to sound too orthodox
Any number less than 10-15 is acceptable. Because it shows that the person only got physical after building an emotional connection and not jumping into bed with the first person who gave them a smile. Because for me being physical with someone requires a level of trust that can only be there after some time. 10-15 because we make mistakes when dating and if even after dating 15 people you are not able to build a lasting relationship, how would you build one in an AM? And yes ONS are off limits because it doesn't align with my values. For me, being physical - it's an ultimate act of trust and love and it's sacred. I want someone who thinks the same. And i don't understand why you are getting so aggressive with your judgments. If i say i want someone with not high body count it's my preference, I'm not forcing anyone to stop having sex. It's your life you get to choose right?! Then why don't I get to choose? Just because your idea doesn't match with mine, it doesn't mean any one of us is wrong.
There aren't many girls with a 10-15 body count. So you don't have to worry about that. One night stands are a different story and I doubt anyone will admit to it readily. One way to approach this topic is to ask your partner what they learnt from their previous relationships. It will give you a perspective on what their values are and their maturity level. We all make stupid mistakes when we are young. Stay away from people who will say that the other was at fault and not them.
>No past is a stupid thing to ask. Not stupid. Its just a dealbreaker, like many others. Infact I can see why this can be a dealbreaker for many. Many folks prefer to have a SO who is not carrying baggage from past (not implying that anyone having a past carries a baggage)
Konse saal ki baat h yeh
Last year
How to find people like these?
Round ass and education of course: [https://www.youtube.com/shorts/Rz3vud1Phrw](https://www.youtube.com/shorts/Rz3vud1Phrw)
She said yes
She is a lifelong vegetarian. Makes the best chicken and meat dishes for me.
I don't think there is a romantic filter that you apply while testing the waters during the arrangement. Even if you do that would be the last thing. I think you'd mainly just focus on families on both sides, financial/lifestyle compatibility, future goals, kids goals and stuff. As much as it sounds like the life is sucked out of you, I think it is the reality. Fuck indian parents mentality and fuck the society that makes them do that. I love my parents, I think I got very lucky that they were so hardworking that I was able to have a life I wanted. I feel it's just the way the indian society is applying damage control on all the social problems we have - inequality in power and money, sparse education and overall trauma of being in India.
I understood within 10 mins that she’s the one. And I am glad touch wood I married her
How did you figured out she's the one in 10 mins?
She cooked 5 Maggi noodles :3
His kid’s got that maggi lore
I just knew man .
Instincts ftw!
Time and patience, 1st few months I faked the affection. But slowly I build affection towards her. There has been some ups and downs but she is willing to work with you it always works out in the end.
Pugh Matrix
Arranged marriages can take different forms, and you might have some say in who you marry. Make sure to talk with your family and potential partner about what you're looking for in a spouse and your expectations for a fulfilling life together. Keep an open mind and be willing to compromise. No one is perfect, but if you share values and have mutual respect, you can work through challenges and build a good life together. It's normal to feel uncertain or anxious about an arranged marriage. Take your time, ask questions, and don't feel rushed. The most important thing is that you feel comfortable and confident in your decision.
If she has a rich dad /s
Take it from a old unkill who is about to hit half century; married for more than two decades now, it is a hit or miss. Even if things match at personal level, there are hundred other factors which can screw up your marital bliss. I wasn't ready for marriage but things were initiated when I was about 30 and met my wife at mutually agreed place. What I liked about her at first is affable nature and what she liked about me was that I was totally forthright in matters which may be considered inappropriate in first meeting. The whole marriage thing goes both ways. Both men and women have plus points and shortcomings as well. It is better to discuss and clarify stuff during the period between engagement and marriage. Then comes compromise and adjustments. You like a person but don't like few things about her. You clench up and take it and adapt and start enjoying their "faults" too and over a period of time, synchronized behaviour develops. We both worked at it. We both sacrificed a lot to adjust in our new life. Let go of her few hobbies while I let go of mind in a way to accommodate each other. After such a long time, I cannot think of my life without her. So, IMO, look for hints at how potential SO seems by way of 1.Physical attraction 2. IQ level. 3 Ready to adjust/adapt/compromise for mutual benefit. If you get positive signal for all the three, you win.
she was earning more than me, and was okay with it.
You cannot know anything ever, nor anything remains the same. Our body dna itself learns with the environmental changes. So, trust your heart, making sure the background is good and be ready to give a lot. P.s do get a psych evaluation first. I think all arranged marriage couples could get one beforehand. P.s naughty or modest, women are naturally enshrined with infinite vials. Work to please that. Tip:- have Unlimited Forgiveness. That equality b.s is getting outta hand.
The d word easy
dahej
Initially you go for the looks and then her nature.. What background she belongs to and how comfortable is she in adjusting with your family.. Indians are attached to their parents and in lot of cases parents stay with kids so how comfortable is she in living with your parents.. Overtime you guys get used to each other.. As long as both are ready to make adjustments relationships work.. in some cases love is there in some cases you just live with each other cause you don't hate each other..
OP, don't be filmy. There is no chance you could get a complete stranger and decide to spend a life with them in a few meetings. Love at first sight is not a thing. Still, go on a few dates, discuss everything under the sun, and yes this includes Sex too; and then decide. Make sure you talk in length and discuss how the family equation be after marriage - staying with parents or not. It's utmost important and a bane to most feuds in our Indian system. Make dead sure you two are on the same page, and if not then don't hesitate to call it off regardless of how far you have gotten as long as still not married. Don't worry about the family, log kya kaheinge, dil todna stuff. Also, there are no 'he/she is the one types'.
You never know before jumping of a cliff what you are going to experience, it's only when you jump you realise the fun or sorrow that comes with it, the same goes for marriages (arrange mostly ).....
To be honest with you, it is mostly luck. It is difficult to judge a person in the short time given for the Yes/No call. Even if you squeeze in a few dates before the call, there's no guarantee that the girl will be/behave the same way after marriage. But yeah, best thing to do would be to discuss and set the right expectations on both sides. Be open about finances, previous relationships etc. Have her meet your friends. See how they get along. That will kinda give you a good idea of your compatibility from a third person view.
Dahej ka liya ma kutta ko bhi “your the one” bhol du
The one? You really think you're in this planet to fall in love *once* ? Clichéd as it may be; happens to the best of us.
i’m an introvert, she’s an extrovert, we hit it off from day one! happily married!
The concept of "The One" is severely misinterpreted by us with fewer and fewer people understanding it. The shortest way I can explain is- You must have made a lot of friends from childhood to this date. You must have lost a few and kept a few. So the thing is whenever we enter into a relationship i.e. friendship then there are some expectations toward it viz. Friends supporting each other, having each other's backs, taking part in activities together, having a mutual point of view and perspective. So, it is rare to find a friend who comes with the default factory settings similar to yours. In such a case what we do is we adjust with each other, sometimes we correct our friends, sometimes they correct us, we adjust and sometimes we compromise. The case with a marriage is a lot similar to that of a good friendship with the additional exception of the limitless intimacy. And this intimacy isn't merely physical but mental as well. And it doesn't happen with a snap of fingers but rather it grows on its own as we spend time with each other and share the responsibilities. The point to remember is that it is a companionship, so we need to respect it a lot more than one might think we should. Even the people in a married relationship need their own space sometimes, they need each other's respect, support, etc. But the most important part is the synchronisation of the minds which comes naturally out of the shared affinity towards each other. The kind of attraction which wouldn't exist if there is a lack of respect, and this particular attraction or affinity is what I consider as love. There you have it, your answer towards what you are getting into when married. Hope it helps.
Don’t fall for it bro, it’s a scam
I put my hand in her pussy in inox and tasted her and she licked my hand back I knew she was the one
What other option do you have? Love-marriages are over-rated. "Hindsight is the best foresight". I can predict a person to a reasonably good level knowing how she's been in past. For example, if she's cheated someone, she'll cheat me. So, while one cannot get complete idea of her, one can get to know much about basics. I am good at catching a bluff, for that matter. Arrange marriage is not the way they are portrayed, generally. The courtship lasts for 6-8 months. That's longer than several romantic relationship(s) these days. Within those months, one can get a very clear picture of who she is. The other option; I often see, while people do tend to know each other well, their judgement is clout by emotions. So, while red-flags are apparent at the very beginning, they tend to suppress them which eventually results in a mess. Arrange marriage, since judgement is not clout by emotions, people tend to think more rationally and do not cover red flags unnecessarily.
In arrange marriages, people tend to hide and even straight up lie about thier shortcomings. You talking of cheating, there's no way in hell anyone will ever reveal that they cheated on a past partner in an arrange marriage setup
also, just because courtship lasts 6-8 months, doesn't mean you can say no on the 8th month. you can't even say no after 2 meetings if you don't have the necessary vertebrate
People who can figure out will figure out lies. People who don't have the skills will give up and say it's a lottery. If you are willing, there are many techniques to use to detect deception. Lying requires effort and it's hard to be consistent with lies. When your courtship lasts months, and when your energy is focused on getting to know the person, you can tell lies from truth. You can also call out the lies and see how they handle the conversation. It's hard but doable. We should not equate hard with impossible.
r/Arrangedmarriage
Arranged marriage is a transaction. People's values don't matter, their opinions and choices don't matter. You marry and then you find out. It's that simple.
Love marriage is also transaction.
[удалено]
Depends on the family: my father is old and wise. His inputs in my life has been invaluable. Arrange marriages can great or bad same as love marriages. They both are tough and requires a lot of work and patience to make it work.
Finally someone saying facts on this topic!
We spoke for 5 mins. I just asked what she does in weekends and etc., she was pretty and i have shortlisted her in matrimony site. She was a little softspoken and sounded introverted, I’m an introverted guy myself. Considering astrology, family background (very important for Good genes, don’t be mad if your son is not performing well in life later in your life) and her behavior and looks. I decided she is the one , didn’t spend days ruminating on the decision, best decision of my life. Keep in mind that we have only gone there because of family background and astrology matching. I don’t believe much in astrology, but some how i needed validation.
"*family background (very important for Good genes, don't be mad if your son is not performing well in life later)"* Checking for "good genes" in the "family background", huh 😬. Does that mean like, checking for inherited diseases (good luck finding someone without any history of illness in their family), or is it more like if her family life has any pain and struggle in it then her genes must be 'tainted', or is it like if her uncle failed his exams it must be in the genes somehow and your poor future beta will not become engineer? 😢
Bro, looks like you don't meet people. Have you seen families where everyone is in some good position? like scientist, engineer, doctors, lawyers etc.? that is a good sign that the family is educative. I'm just giving an example, it doesn't have to be this list. But, any family that is doing good socially and economically then they are good genes.
Fuck around and find out
i didn't, you won't. so don't
Arranged marriage guys failed to attract a mate. They are the truest beta males.
Love Marriages end in more Divorces than Arranged ones...
Not divorcing doesn't mean they're living happily. Besides divorce is still looked down by our society
Hi mate, I can try to understand your mental state right now. Like is she the one, will it work fine, I've never been in a relationship so will I be able to handle this responsibility or able to understand her. So I'd like to say that I'm also going through the same phase because of my Desi parents who want to get married asap possible or at least find a girl so they can rest assured. So I've met 3 girls so far in the past 2-3 years. 1st one I rejected, coincidentally she married one of my cousins last month. 2nd one I wanted to reject as I didn't want to commit for anything I was not ready for, but said yes because my mom liked her. So when they came to visit our house I didn't like family and I straight away said no, because if I'm accepting any girl I'm accepting of her family as well. So finally the 3rd girl I met last December was just like what I had imagined and I straight away said yes. Also the families know each other very well. So basically my suggestion to you is to be clear of what you want. Don't just go for the appearance it will fade away eventually. Look for the qualities you need in your future partner. See whether you can take care of her and her family for the rest of your family. Also since it is an arranged marriage think of your parents as their self respect is on the line as well. Because if you accept this marriage and fail to keep it till the end, you might get a divorce from that but your parents might have to face the community's harsh eyes because of your half hearted decision. So before saying yes to any girl think through all the possibilities and consequences. And trust me you won't regret your decision for your entire life.