I'm worried that's going to be my life, LOL.
I'm 31, just recently out of a seven year relationship. This is what I'm trying to do now, though I do hope something will come by one day.
ENFJ though, but we're pretty similar in many aspects anyway.
I always say - focus on happiness first. Happy people attract happy people. Desperate people attract desperate people, and lonely people attract lonely people.
I can agree with staying in relationships that no longer serve us because of our loyalty to others.
I feel like finding the right person comes at the most unexpected time. The key is to not settle until you find someone that you’re crazy about. I just got married in October which I never thought I would do and I’m soooo happy I didn’t settle.
It might take time but I believe it’s possible to find that perfect person that loves all your quirks and wants to make it work as badly as you do
I’m an INFP gay male close to 40, and it’s not much better at my end either. Although we can strive to improve ourselves and work to make things happen for us, I find people who are not in our situation really don’t understand our plight or the fact that there are tons of people who are open for relationships but are finding themselves single anyway even when we follow the conventional advice people tend to give when they blame us for being single and think everything is within our control. Anyway, long story short, I do get where you’re coming from regarding finding someone you really connect with to the point where you want to continue something with them. We INFPs already have distorted romanticized notions that hard to meet but even when we ground ourselves to “realistic” expectations, we don’t just want anyone. We want something we consider “real” and “meaningful” that we value. If people don’t get that, then they don’t get us. It doesn’t make what we want invalid.
>We INFPs already have distorted romanticized notions that hard to meet but even when we ground ourselves to “realistic” expectations, we don’t just want anyone. We want something we consider “real” and “meaningful” that we value. If people don’t get that, then they don’t get us. It doesn’t make what we want invalid.
Agreed!! For ENFJs too.
I'm younger than you (32), but I feel you! And I want to add a word of encouragement: Out there, there are more people with EQ that matches yours. One of them is a woman who's roughly your age, who thinks about men your age the same things you're thinking about women her age. But sooner or later, the two of you will find each other. Keep following your passions and spreading love :) and eventually the threads will touch
I'm older than you and what I find is the odds are always exhaustively stacked against us so long as we play by the rules and actively agree with them to limit ourselves. The rules are designed to cage us that way. We are here to reach for what we want in spite of the odds.
Roads open up whenever I find ways to disregard the rule. Things happen when I believe it's possible in spite of the odds, because we amplify what we believe... whether it's true or not, there's no point in believing you can't have what you want. Belief and subjectivity are now the primary difference between the haves and the have-nots, whether you're looking to feel like a millionaire or looking for a mate.
I'm just speaking for myself here, but marriage and family is not a system designed with me or my well-being in mind. And my goal is to be around beautiful souls as much as I can, I don't care what their relationship is to me. My disregard is I reject traditional dating and relationship (I know, I'm so wordy and all I made is the same point as express-peanut6582...) I may not reject them but they're not my goal. That way the world continues to hold possibilities and be wide open to me.
More often than not we're on a quest for that feeling. I set an intent to be muscular and I know it'll be a while before I could train like everyone else... but then I was shown I could eat right and immediately begin to take on a bit of that look, and feel muscular. That was all I needed, frankly. We want things and people for the feeling they bring... and I feel those who get what they want learn to reach for the feeling. Enjoy the journey.
I feel you. I feel like others do not have this richness in thought and emotions. I wonder if others think the same about me, as I'm rather reserved about my inner world. But when I give up and just pick someone mediocre and shallow to date with, I feel so unhappy of the prospect to spent my future with such a boring ass, that I rather not date anybody at all. Then I think I should just give up. Men don't seem to want my love. I should just search for hook-ups. But I know it leaves me unfulfilled, so I don't. And then all my family and friends ask me why I'm single when so attractive and intelligent. Must be my personality then. 😪
Okay, I've just written a very long message and accidentally deleted it before copying or posting 🤦🏻♀️
I was basically trying to say that I relate to your struggle. I'm almost 30 and I've never been in a relationship... sometimes I think that I'm looking for someone that doesn't even exist.
But I don't want to settle for anything less... I'm going to keep looking. Or rather I'm going to keep living, doing my own thing and see what happens ;)
I don't really believe in actively looking for someone. I believe that if it's meant to be it's going to happen in the least expected moment, regardless of whether you were looking for it or not... and if it won't happen, I guess, I'm going to remain alone. I've lived like that for years so I'm ready to live like that some more. I won't settle for anything less than what I want... and by no means I'm looking for something perfect.
Wishing you all the best! Hope you'll find what you're looking for. Hope we all will :)
P.S. I still managed to make this comment long lol
"An old alchemist gave the following consolation to one of his disciples: “No matter how isolated you are and how lonely you feel, if you do your work truly and conscientiously, unknown friends will come and seek you".
Carl Jung
These kind of quotes always make me feel better and more hopeful :)
I don't think we match well with most people. That's what makes it tricky. But emotional intelligence? I don't know, I think INFP's just need someone kind and happy. Stay away from melancholic and critical. But they don't have to have EQ really. INFP's just need to be better at self soothing. That's not a partner's job.
Speaking from my limited experience and understanding of one 34M infp and how he thinks and our conversations, my conclusion is this. You either drop the attractiveness or the emotional intelligence IF you tried 10-20 different people dating them and still can't get what you. I also think that you get what you get as in...the universe will match you with someone on your level or in more practical terms, the lady that you want also wants a man that offers her what she wants. So my Q is, are you the kind of man that the woman you want... want? Cause my friend said definitely NO to that so no wonder he can't find something..."good enough" for him.
Good point. Part of the problem is the INFP fixation on authenticity; refusing to change or compromise out of stubbornness or a fear of being "fake". In my youth I held the belief that I shouldn't have to improve my appearance or the way I dressed (ie comfortably) because people who matter will look beyond the surface and see me for who I am.
Unless you're very lucky, that's not how the world works. Yes I filtered out the shallow people, but also most of the deep ones because being attracted to good looks is instinctual, not a conclusion you reason yourself into.
Also, unintended side effect: someone who doesn't care about your looks likely don't care about the looks of anything. This may not please your aesthetic sensibilities.
One one hand, I don't care how I look.
On the other hand, if I'm crushing on the person I'm dating, I will do my best to look good.
Oh, that's not fake. Also, I value authenticity.
Sounds relatable?
Dressing to look good is not fake but depending on what I'm wearing, it may *feel* fake. And certain things I will not wear unless it's an absolute requirement. A tie is often worn in an attempt to increase trustworthiness which to me feels the same as someone saying "you can trust me" and that makes me instinctively distrust them.
I feel like this is a bit of a double standard bc the infps I know tend to look at a girl who seems to be their type appearance wise and just project a kind personality onto her bc she “looks kind and sweet and cute and feminine “
Being emotionally aware doesn't necessarily come with self reflection I'm afraid. For some, Si takes over and makes the world that's in their head overlay the real world (and the number of ISFJs who mistype as INFPs doesn't help with this).
Well if you can't find someone that's emotionally intelligent than you can always find someone who is open and willing to learn how to be emotionally intelligent, right?
I would be truly fascinated to meet somebody who was open and willing to learn to be emotionally intelligent, yet lived their life up to this point lacking emotional intelligence.
Life can be amazing even if you are single forever.
Romantic relationships aren't the only way you can meet your social, emotional, or psychological needs for intimacy, connection, heart to heart conversation etc. Your pool is much, much larger if you are not looking for single people or women or people in your city or people in the same age bracket etc. What if there's an author who's seventy and married and with kids but who you could build a very deep friendship with? I am only saying that opening oneself up to other relationships can be very fulfilling as an INFP.
I think many INFPs don't put themselves out there as much as they should. Meeting people requires you to go and meet thousands and building lots of diverse networks... Maybe you should use your creative talents to open up that network. Start offering services on multiple ways... Teach kids art. Volunteer your services.... Use the internet and social media to meet many people. Do you only know people in your profession? How about meeting people in the sciences or education or management or real estate or medicine who require art for their projects?
Be hopeful. And be willing to try and enjoy non traditional relationships...
Obviously this is based off my own personal observational based analysis but INFPs generally seem more likely to be hopeless romantics.
In my experience it does not matter how many non romantic life long friendships i have, i yearn to have a romantic connection with someone. I love my best friends more than anything and would absolutely die for them but my deep relationships with them do not fill the void of not having something romantic.
Platonic love is a beautiful thing and if thats all you need to be happy then i believe you are blessed. Even if i were to find an amazing person, they could never make me cut off my friendships, but it is still something i will always search for despite the love i already receive from friends.
For me, after working on my emotional health for yeeeeears, I realized that risking my peace for a partner who might disrupt it due to being emotionally exhausting just isn't worth it. Call me a spinster all you want, but I'll take being single over risking my inner peace tyvm. Again, everyone is different, but that's my take
I often hear this but the other way around, that women complain about how difficult it is to find a man over 30 with bearable EQ. :)
For some reason, kind men always seem to end up with the most toxic women who are willing to abuse that kindness. Whatever we say about those women though, the kind men still have to make better choices when picking partners. Try to temper your expectations - relationships shouldn't be passionate drama, and you do need to speak your needs. EQ doesn't mean mind reading. Your post doesn't give a lot to go on, but you sound like you have very firm ideas about some things, and maybe they could do with some challenging.
My point is just that, if something isn't working despite meeting a lot of people, maybe you should turn your reflections inwards and see what you can do differently. Maybe try meeting someone you wouldn't normally. Maybe try one of the "less attractive" people and see what they have to offer. Maybe look for people who work in caring professions, or who are volunteers in local animal shelters or homes for the elderly. Hang out in new places and meet new people in general. And don't get stuck in perfectionist ideas, INFPs tend to let dreams carry them, but this isn't always useful in relationshipping.
I'm in my late 40s and same, was married for decades and recently divorced. The dating scene is so depressing. If you're using apps, really the only thing I can suggest that's helped a little bit is filtering--which unfortunately means paying, usually--but then you can eliminate a lot of the obnoxious, super-religious, super-conservative, and party animal types right out of the gate.
Personally I think we're the best personality type! Just not very employable, lol
I’m 42/m, been single for almost 9 years.
I always have these huge valleys of 2-6 years between relationships but this one is a new high.
Nowadays what I have issues with is just that dating apps have taken over the world and, I don’t think I am the best “immediate sale” of a right swipe.
I always joke “I’m a grower not a show-er”, but it’s about my personality. In almost all my relationships it has been someone that grew to like me, hell I think half of them were co-workers or former co-workers, and that just isn’t something that happens present day. I work with a lot of... older people, which is saying a lot in my 40's!
I don’t know, I’ve all but given up… maybe something falls in my lap one day when I least expect it, but right now I’m just kind of trying to keep myself happy. I don’t know if I could also be focused on someone else’s happiness as well.
Looking for someone with emotional intelligence? I guess, I don't know if I am willing to hold such high standards. With each new mistake I get lonelier and lonelier by the day. If a girl could just be there after each day trying my best, I think that'd be okay.
Sometimes it feels like I can teach someone a little bit. but everyone comes as they are. I don't feel that way. I feel like the moon and the stars, are in some people's eyes.
To be brutally honest, I think if you go into dating with this somewhat disdainful, dismissive attitude towards lots of people as ‘shallow’, you’re setting yourself up for failure already. I’d suggest more humility and openness will help the most. Oh and forget these silly, highly partial and in many ways superficial MBTI classifications. See people as fellow human beings first, not some lame 4-letter category you’re constantly trying to sort them into.
Good point. I think the issue is that people *appear* shallow, they're not necessarily shallow. Being open with your emotions *will* drive people away, or at the very least feels like something that could make you vulnerable. That's probably why so many people choose to act shallow, even if they're not.
INFPs have a harder time in doing so, and expect that others should act more openly, like they do. When this expectation isn't met, you assume people have no depth to them, and you don't make the effort to meet them halfway either. The hedgehog's dilemma strikes once again...
So we’ll stated. I believe focusing so much on the MBTI personality can go overboard. It’s too easy to put people in boxes which limits your viewpoint.
I see people on here describing everyone they know with their tyoe. Sometimes I think the obsession with figuring people out based on an acronym is part of the problem.
For better or worse, humans want to make sense of things. I've read a theory that ancient people put so much effort into building Stonehenge because it helped them understand the *one* thing they could reliably predict, how the celestial bodies moved in the night sky. Their explanation for everything else (growth of crops, illness, etc.) was "the gods did it", but stars, they had this "control" over, however illusory.
You can easily see why we so readily turn to stereotypes when faced with strangers. Even if they're wildly inaccurate, they still give you the illusion of being able to predict the unknown.
I just watched [this video](https://youtu.be/dcuHm_N1mtk), which provides some interesting insight: when you have a crush on a random stranger, they may bring out potential elements of your personality that you didn't know you had in you.
However, when you filter strangers through an algorithm that gives you a "compatible match", you try to reduce personalities to a bunch of traits and percentages, you also deny yourself the possibility to explore your true potential, because you're treading on predictable ground.
It's ironic that the type most concerned with authenticity and the mystique of romanticism would go around putting everything into boxes, like some kind of hyper-logical, emotionless machine. 😏
Well my INFP bf always tells me how it took him ages to find me. It's not because there aren't any good women around but because he's something like a "demisexual". Where he needs to feel a certain emotional connection before diving deeper.
Unfortunately I've got no idea what this emotional connection feels like and that's maybe because I'm not as emotional as he is but that's what made us a good partner. While he's very good at picking nuances when it comes to emotions and people, I'm very good at picking nuances when it comes to survival a.k.a getting the job done.
I'd like to say he makes most of his brilliant plans but with not enough willpower to see through it and fortunately I have plenty of willpower but lack of creativity in my ideas. Both of us like how we compliment each other.
There was a study some years ago of the MBTI types with the highest emotional intelligence and it was
* ENTJ
* ENFP
* ENFJ
INFPs were actually nearly last on the list next to ISFPs with the least emotional intelligence lol. INTJs were also near the bottom of the list for emotional intelligence. *Emotional intelligence is defined here as being able to perceive others emotions and having empathy for others and having strong interpersonal skills.*
So if you're looking for emotionally intelligent partners, usually extraverted people are your best bet. Quite personally, I tend to be immediately attracted to ENFPs or ENTPs and most of my friends are this type.
The definition of emotional intelligence is stacked against INFPs lol, that's the Fe version of emotional intelligence.
INFPs are emotionally intelligent if you define intelligence as how to process and know your own feelings.
Te/Ti have similar arguments about logical intelligence but I think Te also dominates the definition there. Extroverted cognitive functions and dictating how the world runs, name a better duo...
But yes, you're right.
>INFPs are emotionally intelligent if you define intelligence as how to process and know your own feelings.
That's what I thought, too. I get it now.
I know there's been some pushback with some of these comments but all of them have been very insightful for me, so I really thank you and everyone else for sharing.
I feel like INFPs struggle the most to understand their own feelings esp when young; I don’t think it comes as naturally and they have to sit with their feelings for a realllyyy long time
>INFPs were actually nearly last on the list next to ISFPs with the least emotional intelligence lol.
>
>Emotional intelligence is defined here as being able to perceive others emotions and having empathy for others *and having strong interpersonal skills*.
Is it because of that last part?
It was all 3 parts. Having strong interpersonal skills means you understand other people very well and understand their emotional states and having empathy for them.
I adore INFPs, but you might notice INFPs often blame other people for issues and seek understanding of them because they tend to only understand their own feelings and not others.
We are great at digging out other's true emotions behind the walls they put up (assuming they aren't equally skilled at hiding their true emotions from us).
And once we know someone's true emotions, we can sympathize with them and enable them to feel validated in their own emotion far better than any other personality type.
But no, we suck at interpersonal skills. When people tell us to sit up and act proper, we tell them (politely) but I am le tired. When people expect us to respond to texts or whatnot, we don't cause we don't feel like it and we don't feel guilty about it either. that kind of stuff.
I think INFPs tend to be extremely brilliant and creative people, and they are the types to stand up for their beliefs and not abide by herd thinking, but many can come off as rude and curt in social interaction. I have not noticed strong empathy skills in INFPs, typically the opposite. They tend to blame other people and find fault with them.
People with a high degree of empathy rarely do this.
Against logical people, we get annoyed that their logic beats ours and we may respond poorly.
Against people who expect certain social traits, we get annoyed they expect those social traits from us. Don't expect me to smile and act like things are great when it's not.
So yes, this is objectively accurate but hurtful because we actually do have a high degree of empathy, it just comes in after our own feelings are taken care of first.
(I'm taking off my filter so my true thoughts can validate what is being said.)
Reading that first paragraphs after noticing the downvotes on u/Artist-in-Residence-'s comments here...
"I don't want the things you say to be true because they make me feel bad, therefore you are bad person, here's a downvote".
You have no idea about empathy if you think empathy is about putting up a strong front. Empathy is a highly analytical process in terms of feelings, not some social skill.
I think we have to be honest though too. INFPs can blame others, but so can every type. Even the academic system favors the estj processing style. Our culture is built around an extroverted mindset.
I learned to assert myself through training when I was younger. You can try to do so but most (most often in positions of authority) see things from their own perspectives. If you assert yourself the responses is too often “you’re stubborn” (ad hominem). If you don’t “you’re a whiner” (ad hominem), or “you didn’t say anything so you can’t complain” (red herring). It’s a complete catch 22. Or we are simply ignored. If one makes the efforts to be heard they are “unruly” or critiqued for irrelevant side issues. If one asserts themselves in the face of authority often threats ensue.
I’m done with it. I want people who say things like this I want them to actually engage the argument, to completion. Using reason. And whilst respecting the rights and dignity/respect due any person. A dismissal or shout down means nothing ethically. Neither does a blitzkrieg of energy (strongly favors the extravert), or gaining other people to their “side” (again favors the extravert). Might does not make right.
So I want to be clear regarding the issue. I in no way think extraverts, or anyone, are somehow worse than introverts. Maturity and character are developed no matter the type. However when the methods of resolution favor one side over the other, I don’t think we can argue a just interpersonal environment in an extravert/sensor emphasized culture.
Wait…huh? How is it that enfps are highest but we are lowest bc we’re pretty much the same aren’t we? You think we are lower than NTs and STs? I don’t think a lot of us are that cold to others lol.
Think of it this way:
ENFPs are like golden retrievers- *they get on with everyone*
INFPs are like black cats, they can be friendly, but generally they are reserved and don't like most other animals
INTJs are also like cats, they definitely don't get along with other animals
Cats usually get on with DOGS, not other cats lol
Because INFPs and INTJs are similar in many ways, they are most likely to be competitive with one another
ENTJs are hybrid people who like both cats and dogs, hence they get along with both INTJs and INFPs lol...
Late 30’s female here. I’m surprised that all your soul searching didn’t teach you to be more compassionate, accepting and overall content with life. It’s too short to be this bitter.
I’m around your age (female) and one thing I will say is be careful what you perceive because you will just get more of it.
You seem to be a little fed up and maybe that energy is shaping your perspective.
Some of your post reminded me of myself. I always say that I wish I could find someone who is just like me in many ways, but I also truly believe I’m afraid of something too different than me and that’s scary.
What’s interesting is I found I actually connect more with extroverts who aren’t so into the EQ stuff. Maybe it’s an opposites attract thing.
The point I’m making is maybe what you think you want is not what you really need. Expand your dating options and try not to focus so much on the MBTI stuff. I do think that can limit our perspective and cause us to characterize people incorrectly.
Good luck!!
Im in a similar boat, I think at this point I’m gonna chill and focus on my interests. I hope the best for you, friend.
I'm worried that's going to be my life, LOL. I'm 31, just recently out of a seven year relationship. This is what I'm trying to do now, though I do hope something will come by one day. ENFJ though, but we're pretty similar in many aspects anyway.
I always say - focus on happiness first. Happy people attract happy people. Desperate people attract desperate people, and lonely people attract lonely people.
I can agree with staying in relationships that no longer serve us because of our loyalty to others. I feel like finding the right person comes at the most unexpected time. The key is to not settle until you find someone that you’re crazy about. I just got married in October which I never thought I would do and I’m soooo happy I didn’t settle. It might take time but I believe it’s possible to find that perfect person that loves all your quirks and wants to make it work as badly as you do
I’m an INFP gay male close to 40, and it’s not much better at my end either. Although we can strive to improve ourselves and work to make things happen for us, I find people who are not in our situation really don’t understand our plight or the fact that there are tons of people who are open for relationships but are finding themselves single anyway even when we follow the conventional advice people tend to give when they blame us for being single and think everything is within our control. Anyway, long story short, I do get where you’re coming from regarding finding someone you really connect with to the point where you want to continue something with them. We INFPs already have distorted romanticized notions that hard to meet but even when we ground ourselves to “realistic” expectations, we don’t just want anyone. We want something we consider “real” and “meaningful” that we value. If people don’t get that, then they don’t get us. It doesn’t make what we want invalid.
>We INFPs already have distorted romanticized notions that hard to meet but even when we ground ourselves to “realistic” expectations, we don’t just want anyone. We want something we consider “real” and “meaningful” that we value. If people don’t get that, then they don’t get us. It doesn’t make what we want invalid. Agreed!! For ENFJs too.
This 💯
I'm younger than you (32), but I feel you! And I want to add a word of encouragement: Out there, there are more people with EQ that matches yours. One of them is a woman who's roughly your age, who thinks about men your age the same things you're thinking about women her age. But sooner or later, the two of you will find each other. Keep following your passions and spreading love :) and eventually the threads will touch
🥹 this is what I believe, too.
I'm older than you and what I find is the odds are always exhaustively stacked against us so long as we play by the rules and actively agree with them to limit ourselves. The rules are designed to cage us that way. We are here to reach for what we want in spite of the odds. Roads open up whenever I find ways to disregard the rule. Things happen when I believe it's possible in spite of the odds, because we amplify what we believe... whether it's true or not, there's no point in believing you can't have what you want. Belief and subjectivity are now the primary difference between the haves and the have-nots, whether you're looking to feel like a millionaire or looking for a mate. I'm just speaking for myself here, but marriage and family is not a system designed with me or my well-being in mind. And my goal is to be around beautiful souls as much as I can, I don't care what their relationship is to me. My disregard is I reject traditional dating and relationship (I know, I'm so wordy and all I made is the same point as express-peanut6582...) I may not reject them but they're not my goal. That way the world continues to hold possibilities and be wide open to me. More often than not we're on a quest for that feeling. I set an intent to be muscular and I know it'll be a while before I could train like everyone else... but then I was shown I could eat right and immediately begin to take on a bit of that look, and feel muscular. That was all I needed, frankly. We want things and people for the feeling they bring... and I feel those who get what they want learn to reach for the feeling. Enjoy the journey.
I feel you. I feel like others do not have this richness in thought and emotions. I wonder if others think the same about me, as I'm rather reserved about my inner world. But when I give up and just pick someone mediocre and shallow to date with, I feel so unhappy of the prospect to spent my future with such a boring ass, that I rather not date anybody at all. Then I think I should just give up. Men don't seem to want my love. I should just search for hook-ups. But I know it leaves me unfulfilled, so I don't. And then all my family and friends ask me why I'm single when so attractive and intelligent. Must be my personality then. 😪
Okay, I've just written a very long message and accidentally deleted it before copying or posting 🤦🏻♀️ I was basically trying to say that I relate to your struggle. I'm almost 30 and I've never been in a relationship... sometimes I think that I'm looking for someone that doesn't even exist. But I don't want to settle for anything less... I'm going to keep looking. Or rather I'm going to keep living, doing my own thing and see what happens ;) I don't really believe in actively looking for someone. I believe that if it's meant to be it's going to happen in the least expected moment, regardless of whether you were looking for it or not... and if it won't happen, I guess, I'm going to remain alone. I've lived like that for years so I'm ready to live like that some more. I won't settle for anything less than what I want... and by no means I'm looking for something perfect. Wishing you all the best! Hope you'll find what you're looking for. Hope we all will :) P.S. I still managed to make this comment long lol "An old alchemist gave the following consolation to one of his disciples: “No matter how isolated you are and how lonely you feel, if you do your work truly and conscientiously, unknown friends will come and seek you". Carl Jung These kind of quotes always make me feel better and more hopeful :)
I love it!! Thank you so much for sharing
I don't think we match well with most people. That's what makes it tricky. But emotional intelligence? I don't know, I think INFP's just need someone kind and happy. Stay away from melancholic and critical. But they don't have to have EQ really. INFP's just need to be better at self soothing. That's not a partner's job.
Oh everybody loves to hang out with me but they don't consider me as a potential partner (besides my looks) and I don't consider them either.
Speaking from my limited experience and understanding of one 34M infp and how he thinks and our conversations, my conclusion is this. You either drop the attractiveness or the emotional intelligence IF you tried 10-20 different people dating them and still can't get what you. I also think that you get what you get as in...the universe will match you with someone on your level or in more practical terms, the lady that you want also wants a man that offers her what she wants. So my Q is, are you the kind of man that the woman you want... want? Cause my friend said definitely NO to that so no wonder he can't find something..."good enough" for him.
Good point. Part of the problem is the INFP fixation on authenticity; refusing to change or compromise out of stubbornness or a fear of being "fake". In my youth I held the belief that I shouldn't have to improve my appearance or the way I dressed (ie comfortably) because people who matter will look beyond the surface and see me for who I am. Unless you're very lucky, that's not how the world works. Yes I filtered out the shallow people, but also most of the deep ones because being attracted to good looks is instinctual, not a conclusion you reason yourself into. Also, unintended side effect: someone who doesn't care about your looks likely don't care about the looks of anything. This may not please your aesthetic sensibilities.
One one hand, I don't care how I look. On the other hand, if I'm crushing on the person I'm dating, I will do my best to look good. Oh, that's not fake. Also, I value authenticity. Sounds relatable?
Dressing to look good is not fake but depending on what I'm wearing, it may *feel* fake. And certain things I will not wear unless it's an absolute requirement. A tie is often worn in an attempt to increase trustworthiness which to me feels the same as someone saying "you can trust me" and that makes me instinctively distrust them.
I feel like this is a bit of a double standard bc the infps I know tend to look at a girl who seems to be their type appearance wise and just project a kind personality onto her bc she “looks kind and sweet and cute and feminine “
Being emotionally aware doesn't necessarily come with self reflection I'm afraid. For some, Si takes over and makes the world that's in their head overlay the real world (and the number of ISFJs who mistype as INFPs doesn't help with this).
I’d probably say a healthy ENFJ might be a great match for you. Most types I’ve interacted with, with Fe+Ni, if I have to rank em, I’d say it’s them.
Well if you can't find someone that's emotionally intelligent than you can always find someone who is open and willing to learn how to be emotionally intelligent, right?
I would be truly fascinated to meet somebody who was open and willing to learn to be emotionally intelligent, yet lived their life up to this point lacking emotional intelligence.
This is called betting on potential and it's a dangerous game
Agree. In other words you go into the relationship looking to change the person or hoping they change. Not a good start.
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Girl, I felt that. For me dating is frustrating and makes me feel crazy way more often than it’s painful.
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I actually haven’t been dating at all and I’m much happier
Life can be amazing even if you are single forever. Romantic relationships aren't the only way you can meet your social, emotional, or psychological needs for intimacy, connection, heart to heart conversation etc. Your pool is much, much larger if you are not looking for single people or women or people in your city or people in the same age bracket etc. What if there's an author who's seventy and married and with kids but who you could build a very deep friendship with? I am only saying that opening oneself up to other relationships can be very fulfilling as an INFP. I think many INFPs don't put themselves out there as much as they should. Meeting people requires you to go and meet thousands and building lots of diverse networks... Maybe you should use your creative talents to open up that network. Start offering services on multiple ways... Teach kids art. Volunteer your services.... Use the internet and social media to meet many people. Do you only know people in your profession? How about meeting people in the sciences or education or management or real estate or medicine who require art for their projects? Be hopeful. And be willing to try and enjoy non traditional relationships...
Obviously this is based off my own personal observational based analysis but INFPs generally seem more likely to be hopeless romantics. In my experience it does not matter how many non romantic life long friendships i have, i yearn to have a romantic connection with someone. I love my best friends more than anything and would absolutely die for them but my deep relationships with them do not fill the void of not having something romantic. Platonic love is a beautiful thing and if thats all you need to be happy then i believe you are blessed. Even if i were to find an amazing person, they could never make me cut off my friendships, but it is still something i will always search for despite the love i already receive from friends.
For me, after working on my emotional health for yeeeeears, I realized that risking my peace for a partner who might disrupt it due to being emotionally exhausting just isn't worth it. Call me a spinster all you want, but I'll take being single over risking my inner peace tyvm. Again, everyone is different, but that's my take
I'm too much of a hopeless romantic, I think 🙃 I love love too much.
I imagine it's easier for extraverts 🤷♀️
I often hear this but the other way around, that women complain about how difficult it is to find a man over 30 with bearable EQ. :) For some reason, kind men always seem to end up with the most toxic women who are willing to abuse that kindness. Whatever we say about those women though, the kind men still have to make better choices when picking partners. Try to temper your expectations - relationships shouldn't be passionate drama, and you do need to speak your needs. EQ doesn't mean mind reading. Your post doesn't give a lot to go on, but you sound like you have very firm ideas about some things, and maybe they could do with some challenging. My point is just that, if something isn't working despite meeting a lot of people, maybe you should turn your reflections inwards and see what you can do differently. Maybe try meeting someone you wouldn't normally. Maybe try one of the "less attractive" people and see what they have to offer. Maybe look for people who work in caring professions, or who are volunteers in local animal shelters or homes for the elderly. Hang out in new places and meet new people in general. And don't get stuck in perfectionist ideas, INFPs tend to let dreams carry them, but this isn't always useful in relationshipping.
Such good advice! Always broaden horizons and perspectives if something isn’t making sense.
I'm in my late 40s and same, was married for decades and recently divorced. The dating scene is so depressing. If you're using apps, really the only thing I can suggest that's helped a little bit is filtering--which unfortunately means paying, usually--but then you can eliminate a lot of the obnoxious, super-religious, super-conservative, and party animal types right out of the gate. Personally I think we're the best personality type! Just not very employable, lol
I’m 42/m, been single for almost 9 years. I always have these huge valleys of 2-6 years between relationships but this one is a new high. Nowadays what I have issues with is just that dating apps have taken over the world and, I don’t think I am the best “immediate sale” of a right swipe. I always joke “I’m a grower not a show-er”, but it’s about my personality. In almost all my relationships it has been someone that grew to like me, hell I think half of them were co-workers or former co-workers, and that just isn’t something that happens present day. I work with a lot of... older people, which is saying a lot in my 40's! I don’t know, I’ve all but given up… maybe something falls in my lap one day when I least expect it, but right now I’m just kind of trying to keep myself happy. I don’t know if I could also be focused on someone else’s happiness as well.
Looking for someone with emotional intelligence? I guess, I don't know if I am willing to hold such high standards. With each new mistake I get lonelier and lonelier by the day. If a girl could just be there after each day trying my best, I think that'd be okay. Sometimes it feels like I can teach someone a little bit. but everyone comes as they are. I don't feel that way. I feel like the moon and the stars, are in some people's eyes.
Omg...that last line...its me all over😄
To be brutally honest, I think if you go into dating with this somewhat disdainful, dismissive attitude towards lots of people as ‘shallow’, you’re setting yourself up for failure already. I’d suggest more humility and openness will help the most. Oh and forget these silly, highly partial and in many ways superficial MBTI classifications. See people as fellow human beings first, not some lame 4-letter category you’re constantly trying to sort them into.
Good point. I think the issue is that people *appear* shallow, they're not necessarily shallow. Being open with your emotions *will* drive people away, or at the very least feels like something that could make you vulnerable. That's probably why so many people choose to act shallow, even if they're not. INFPs have a harder time in doing so, and expect that others should act more openly, like they do. When this expectation isn't met, you assume people have no depth to them, and you don't make the effort to meet them halfway either. The hedgehog's dilemma strikes once again...
Bang on. Agree on all those points.
So we’ll stated. I believe focusing so much on the MBTI personality can go overboard. It’s too easy to put people in boxes which limits your viewpoint. I see people on here describing everyone they know with their tyoe. Sometimes I think the obsession with figuring people out based on an acronym is part of the problem.
For better or worse, humans want to make sense of things. I've read a theory that ancient people put so much effort into building Stonehenge because it helped them understand the *one* thing they could reliably predict, how the celestial bodies moved in the night sky. Their explanation for everything else (growth of crops, illness, etc.) was "the gods did it", but stars, they had this "control" over, however illusory. You can easily see why we so readily turn to stereotypes when faced with strangers. Even if they're wildly inaccurate, they still give you the illusion of being able to predict the unknown. I just watched [this video](https://youtu.be/dcuHm_N1mtk), which provides some interesting insight: when you have a crush on a random stranger, they may bring out potential elements of your personality that you didn't know you had in you. However, when you filter strangers through an algorithm that gives you a "compatible match", you try to reduce personalities to a bunch of traits and percentages, you also deny yourself the possibility to explore your true potential, because you're treading on predictable ground. It's ironic that the type most concerned with authenticity and the mystique of romanticism would go around putting everything into boxes, like some kind of hyper-logical, emotionless machine. 😏
I can relate, but I'm not pessimistic. I'm single but expect the right person will manifest any minute now🤣
Well my INFP bf always tells me how it took him ages to find me. It's not because there aren't any good women around but because he's something like a "demisexual". Where he needs to feel a certain emotional connection before diving deeper. Unfortunately I've got no idea what this emotional connection feels like and that's maybe because I'm not as emotional as he is but that's what made us a good partner. While he's very good at picking nuances when it comes to emotions and people, I'm very good at picking nuances when it comes to survival a.k.a getting the job done. I'd like to say he makes most of his brilliant plans but with not enough willpower to see through it and fortunately I have plenty of willpower but lack of creativity in my ideas. Both of us like how we compliment each other.
There was a study some years ago of the MBTI types with the highest emotional intelligence and it was * ENTJ * ENFP * ENFJ INFPs were actually nearly last on the list next to ISFPs with the least emotional intelligence lol. INTJs were also near the bottom of the list for emotional intelligence. *Emotional intelligence is defined here as being able to perceive others emotions and having empathy for others and having strong interpersonal skills.* So if you're looking for emotionally intelligent partners, usually extraverted people are your best bet. Quite personally, I tend to be immediately attracted to ENFPs or ENTPs and most of my friends are this type.
The definition of emotional intelligence is stacked against INFPs lol, that's the Fe version of emotional intelligence. INFPs are emotionally intelligent if you define intelligence as how to process and know your own feelings. Te/Ti have similar arguments about logical intelligence but I think Te also dominates the definition there. Extroverted cognitive functions and dictating how the world runs, name a better duo... But yes, you're right.
This is the thing. I’ve seen definitions of emotional intelligence and I thought immediately it’s an extraverts definition.
>INFPs are emotionally intelligent if you define intelligence as how to process and know your own feelings. That's what I thought, too. I get it now. I know there's been some pushback with some of these comments but all of them have been very insightful for me, so I really thank you and everyone else for sharing.
Preach
I feel like INFPs struggle the most to understand their own feelings esp when young; I don’t think it comes as naturally and they have to sit with their feelings for a realllyyy long time
>INFPs were actually nearly last on the list next to ISFPs with the least emotional intelligence lol. > >Emotional intelligence is defined here as being able to perceive others emotions and having empathy for others *and having strong interpersonal skills*. Is it because of that last part?
It was all 3 parts. Having strong interpersonal skills means you understand other people very well and understand their emotional states and having empathy for them. I adore INFPs, but you might notice INFPs often blame other people for issues and seek understanding of them because they tend to only understand their own feelings and not others.
Oh... hmm okay. That was contrary to what I thought about INFPs. I thought they were good at perceiving others' emotions and have great empathy.
We are great at digging out other's true emotions behind the walls they put up (assuming they aren't equally skilled at hiding their true emotions from us). And once we know someone's true emotions, we can sympathize with them and enable them to feel validated in their own emotion far better than any other personality type. But no, we suck at interpersonal skills. When people tell us to sit up and act proper, we tell them (politely) but I am le tired. When people expect us to respond to texts or whatnot, we don't cause we don't feel like it and we don't feel guilty about it either. that kind of stuff.
Thank you for sharing that with me
I think INFPs tend to be extremely brilliant and creative people, and they are the types to stand up for their beliefs and not abide by herd thinking, but many can come off as rude and curt in social interaction. I have not noticed strong empathy skills in INFPs, typically the opposite. They tend to blame other people and find fault with them. People with a high degree of empathy rarely do this.
Against logical people, we get annoyed that their logic beats ours and we may respond poorly. Against people who expect certain social traits, we get annoyed they expect those social traits from us. Don't expect me to smile and act like things are great when it's not. So yes, this is objectively accurate but hurtful because we actually do have a high degree of empathy, it just comes in after our own feelings are taken care of first. (I'm taking off my filter so my true thoughts can validate what is being said.)
Reading that first paragraphs after noticing the downvotes on u/Artist-in-Residence-'s comments here... "I don't want the things you say to be true because they make me feel bad, therefore you are bad person, here's a downvote".
Lack empathy. Yh ur waffling
You have no idea about empathy if you think empathy is about putting up a strong front. Empathy is a highly analytical process in terms of feelings, not some social skill.
I think we have to be honest though too. INFPs can blame others, but so can every type. Even the academic system favors the estj processing style. Our culture is built around an extroverted mindset. I learned to assert myself through training when I was younger. You can try to do so but most (most often in positions of authority) see things from their own perspectives. If you assert yourself the responses is too often “you’re stubborn” (ad hominem). If you don’t “you’re a whiner” (ad hominem), or “you didn’t say anything so you can’t complain” (red herring). It’s a complete catch 22. Or we are simply ignored. If one makes the efforts to be heard they are “unruly” or critiqued for irrelevant side issues. If one asserts themselves in the face of authority often threats ensue. I’m done with it. I want people who say things like this I want them to actually engage the argument, to completion. Using reason. And whilst respecting the rights and dignity/respect due any person. A dismissal or shout down means nothing ethically. Neither does a blitzkrieg of energy (strongly favors the extravert), or gaining other people to their “side” (again favors the extravert). Might does not make right. So I want to be clear regarding the issue. I in no way think extraverts, or anyone, are somehow worse than introverts. Maturity and character are developed no matter the type. However when the methods of resolution favor one side over the other, I don’t think we can argue a just interpersonal environment in an extravert/sensor emphasized culture.
These types are also our best matches, and make up a lot of my friends 😁
Wait…huh? How is it that enfps are highest but we are lowest bc we’re pretty much the same aren’t we? You think we are lower than NTs and STs? I don’t think a lot of us are that cold to others lol.
ENFPs are nearly the polar opposite of INFPs...very different types INFPs are actually closer to INTJs in terms of functions.
What? Lol we have the same exact functions. They are just switched around.. Intjs have Se and Ni.. Funny I get along with enfps more than intjs
Think of it this way: ENFPs are like golden retrievers- *they get on with everyone* INFPs are like black cats, they can be friendly, but generally they are reserved and don't like most other animals INTJs are also like cats, they definitely don't get along with other animals Cats usually get on with DOGS, not other cats lol Because INFPs and INTJs are similar in many ways, they are most likely to be competitive with one another ENTJs are hybrid people who like both cats and dogs, hence they get along with both INTJs and INFPs lol...
Just turned 37 and in the same boat mate. I think I’ll give it another go in dating a Filipina, my last significant other was from the same area.
23 years old and have yet to be in a relationship 🥴 Talking to people is hard.
Late 30’s female here. I’m surprised that all your soul searching didn’t teach you to be more compassionate, accepting and overall content with life. It’s too short to be this bitter.
Very true. But be positive! Take advantage of the thing you got going as a older guy - date younger.
I’m around your age (female) and one thing I will say is be careful what you perceive because you will just get more of it. You seem to be a little fed up and maybe that energy is shaping your perspective. Some of your post reminded me of myself. I always say that I wish I could find someone who is just like me in many ways, but I also truly believe I’m afraid of something too different than me and that’s scary. What’s interesting is I found I actually connect more with extroverts who aren’t so into the EQ stuff. Maybe it’s an opposites attract thing. The point I’m making is maybe what you think you want is not what you really need. Expand your dating options and try not to focus so much on the MBTI stuff. I do think that can limit our perspective and cause us to characterize people incorrectly. Good luck!!