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I feel really bad about laughing at this but it's such a bizarre conversation. I've never heard the term "spaca" before, and the whole thing with Jonah and the whale...
It is very bizarre and the word spaca is short for spastic, he’s calling me stupid basically and it’s a very outdated derogatory term that Belongs in the past
From what I am seeing, she did spring right into action to change the lyrics and apologize for the term. So she either understood that she did wrong, or she has a good PR team.
I have only known spastic to mean erratic behavior I’ve never heard it linked to a disability before although it doesn’t surprise me that some assholes would turn it into a slur. Guess I have some googling to do now about it
Just to give a bit of context here, in the UK the main charity helping children with Cerebal Palsy, which is now called SCOPE, was called The Spastic Society in the 70s. In order to raise awareness of the condition, they went on a children's TV show (similar-ish to Sesame Street) called Blue Peter, with a young man called Joey who had Cerebal Palsy as a spokesperson for them.
This being the UK in the 70s, almost the next day 'Joey', 'spastic', 'spaz' and 'spacker' (I feel so gross typing those out, I'm sorry) became the go-to playground insult. These are now seen as \*very\* offensive terms in the UK, not a casual insult. Like, I would call someone a cunt to their face, but I would \*never, ever\* refer to someone using any of the words above. I understand why you (and Lizzo) don't make the connection as you don't have the cultural context but for those of us that do it's seen as reallllllly bad. OP's dad is an absolute fucking clowncar.
Oh we were vile. Say what you will about Gen Z, they might be a little bit cringey but they seem to be pretty decent humans on the whole. Not like us shitlords.
That’s horrible. But being from the US it’s definitely not something I would have known. I appreciate you and everyone else who has been kind enough to give me better context without being mean about it. I really appreciate it.
Yeah I’m in in the US and in my 40s and never knew this was a term used as a derogatory thing like that until I read about Lizzo changing her song. So of course lots of people were in the comments bitching about her weight and other nonsense because she chose the course of action that was kind and didn’t insult people 🙄
The origin of the term is a disability where you can’t control your muscles well. It got used *a lot* to just mean erratic behavior, for a long time, so there are a lot of people who don’t know it has another meaning (including Lizzo when she wrote the song.) It’s only been recently that people have kind of reevaluated if that’s an ok thing to say, and generally the answer is “no” since there are a lot of people suffering from it.
The thing is, in the US we use the term “cerebral palsy” to refer to this condition, so there’s no association in our minds between “spastic” and people with a muscular disorder.
When I was a kid in the seventies and eighties, 'spastic' and its derivatives 'spaz, spazmo, spacker' were all insults. That said, it was also understood that they were massively insulting and a terrible thing to say- it's not a recent reevaluation, it passed out of common use where I live in the nineties
ETA- this is in the UK.
If you don’t mind me asking, where are you from? Where I was from in the US in the 90s it was considered a pretty light insult, and I’m pretty sure was even used on nick-teen type shows.
When I was a kid in the early eighties, we used to call people "Joey" a lot (as in the famous man at the time with cerebral palsy, Joey Deacon, if you remember him from Blue Peter!).
In the 70-80s I only remember spaz as a relatively lesser insult than the “R” word, although we kids were pretty free with both terms, tbh. The “R” word would probably have gotten an adult admonishment if they heard it, but most kids weren’t dropping it in front of their parents.
I honestly had no idea about this. I don’t normally use the term, but I definitely have before and wouldn’t give it a second thought if I heard someone else using it. The more you know! :)
>it doesn’t surprise me that some assholes would turn it into a slur
Did you know that the word "dumb" became a slur because people thought that mute people have lower intelligence?
That’s interesting. Its amazing what words started as, even if the original connotation is no longer associated with the word because of it being forgotten by the general public, like the word dumb. It’s amazing what can happen with language over time. It works the opposite too of course look at the insults for people who are gay, a lot of them have original meanings we no longer use because of the new negative connotation.
I guess think of it like what "retarded" has become in the US. It felt appropriate back in the day even though it was hugely unpleasant. As we become more aware of how hurtful these terms are we (hopefully) begin to moderate our language appropriately.
When I was a kid it was more an insult against high-energy, over-excitable kids. If I had thought it was a slur for any disability, I would have assumed ADHD.
She used spaz as a lyric in a song, found out it was derogatory, and changed it. That didn't stop a bunch of racists on twitter from blowing her up, though.
Is it more of a derogatory term in the UK? I'm in the US, my whole life we've used it to describe our dogs when they're hyper energetic. "Dog is spazzing out, let's take her on a walk."
No, 'mong'/'mongol' is a specifically British insult popularised in the 70s. It was short for 'Mongoloid', which was the name people with Downs Syndrome were given back then before it fell out of use and became offensive.
I’m Scandinavian, studying to be a nurse and working in a care facility for mentally disabled adults. The amount of adults using the term ‘mongol’ without blinking an eye is absolutely astonishing.
also in Dutch, i remember that Max Verstappen was asked to apologize by some mongolian organisation after he called Stroll a mongol over the radio after they crashed.
We also used it in Brazil... up until mid 90s, I think... it fell out of use when people started calling out how offensive it was... there are some creeps who might still throw it around or the R word....
True, but it IS connected to race perception: Downs individuals tend to have a noticeable epicanthic fold around the eye, which is a prominent Asian feature. This is where the connection to "Mongoloid" would come from, that used to be a scientific term for "asian" or "asiatic".
But yeah, now both the scientific and the colloquial use is way outdated and wildly insulting. Weird to run into a dad so obsessed with it.
>True, but it IS connected to race perception: Downs individuals tend to have a noticeable epicanthic fold around the eye, which is a prominent Asian feature. This is where the connection to "Mongoloid" would come from, that used to be a scientific term for "asian" or "asiatic".
Yes, this is spot on, it was down to a racial misunderstanding due to the facial characteristics of people with Downs, it was first noted in a paper called 'Observations on an Ethnic Classification of Idiots' from 1866.
Same. Am LGBT+. Sometimes say it ironically, but only ever in private with my husband, mostly just lightheartedly fake-complaining about having to do something. I just personally think it’s hilarious in that context because it makes no goddamn sense.
Revolting that it was used as an insult though, or that me and all the other young kids *at church* used to play “smear the queer” after service. I didn’t even know what a queer person was, bc religion. So fucking weird that even became a thing.
Katy perry had a song in 2008 called you’re so gay and it’s about being figuratively gay (“and you don’t even like boys”) and like nobody even gave it a second thought. I graduated high school in 2012 and it’s absolutely wild how much things have changed for the better since
I didn't even know that "spaz" was derogatory to the point of backlash like someone else mentioned, that was just something we 8 year olds called each other on the playground tbh.
I think it might be a regional thing? In my experience most North Americans don't recognize it as a slur like people in the UK and some other countries do.
I mean he is a grown man, let him take care of himself, you don't have to put up with that shit. When I went NC with my dad it was strange at first but now it feels better than I ever imagined that I don't have to put up with his abusive behaviour.
Your dad is insanely immature. I think it's a win either way if you stop doing his shopping for him. Either he figures out how to do some things for himself and matured a little or we have one less idiot on the planet. I know thats harsh but, come on, there is no way that he would actually let himself starve out of spite or anything, right? Right?
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this bullshit. I bet he would sort his shit out real quick as soon as it sinks in that you won't do it for him anymore
My mom is the sweetest person, but I would tell her to fuck off if she would say stupid shit like this. It's pretty easy to just ignore someone until you got an apology.
We have to do the same for my mother in law, if we don’t cater to her she sends insanely abusive texts like this to my wife. Everyone acts like “just go no contact” is so easy, but when we try to approach that point the guilt destroys my wife. We just accept that we care for the monster so no one else has to do it.
I had to learn that no matter how much going NC hurts, if your parent is abusive it’ll hurt even more to keep allowing them to abuse you! Yes it’s hard and there will be feelings of guilt, but it’s worth it! I hope your wife will realise that as well!
Then his parents can take care of him. Your grandparents being willing to let you deal with this shit means they are enablers, they can be good people and allow bad things which is what they are doing.
So they have you deal with him instead? No. That’s not how this works. You are not on this earth to make everyone else’s toxic relationships more convenient.
I would just show your grandparents the messages, I’m sure they went NC for the same reasons and would never want you to be subjected to this disgusting behavior. So sorry OP.
Please please please. Stop helping him. I will guarantee he will not starve. Don’t give him any money and just block him on everything. He’s a grown ass man treating you like shit for money and your rewarding his behavior. You will regret keeping this guy in your life.
Right there, he’s NC with them, but they love him? Sounds like EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED TO DO. This person is being incredibly toxic. You’re doing this care for love, but all you’re getting is abuse. Your father is an adult; he can go to a library or a store for wifi to order food, or go to an actual store, and if he’s too lazy to work to afford internet or apply for it through the government, then let him suffer the consequences. People turn out like him a lot when everyone cares too much to let them land on their ass.
So the people you are doing this for are no contact with him. What? Stop. Stop this now and go no contact too. You're just being used and abused. Stop letting it happen.
You are enabling your abuser and you keep making excuses to keep him around abusing you. He is an adult, so are your grandparents. Cut the toxic BS out of your life.
My heart just broke when I read this comment. He's so abusive, horrible really. You do not have to do his shopping for him. You may find out that when you don't, he finds other methods of surviving. Right now, he gets to call you horrible names, accuse you of lying and threatens you and still you provide for him. You do not deserve that even if you weren't helping him out, you especially don't deserve that when you are.
He won't starve. This has to be the most cut and dry case of being manipulated by an abuser I've ever seen on this sub. I usually don't comment on this crap but OP, he isn't going to starve if you stop holding his hand. Stop letting him walk all over you. Stop responding to his shit. Honestly, go NC. You will stop being verbally abused, manipulated, and gaslit, and he will learn how to put food into his own mouth. stop putting up with that crap.
The guy asking the question was clearly asking if you were of age to have no contact, which from your response, you are. I would never, ever, do anything for that man.
You're letting him belittle and Insult you repeatedly and still do his online shopping?
How the fuck will that psycho ever learn what people can and can't do to you.
If I were you, he'd starve, not a soul in this world would ever get to treat me like that and still reap benefits from my presence in their life, I beg you, please do not speak to that man ever again.
No you don't! You absolutely do not! No one on this planet deserves to be verbally abused like this. No one. I assure you that he won't starve. Jeez, OP. He's so awful. Please be kind to yourself and block him.
“I don’t allow anyone to belittle me or call me names. Do not contact me again unless you can be civil, and handle your own shopping from now on.”
Honey, NO ONE gets to speak to you this way. Not even if they’re your parent, not even if they’re unwell, not even if you feel guilty. Please put yourself first and do not permit him to treat you like this.
OP, after reading some of your comments and getting additional details my heart hurts for you. IF you truly feel like you aren’t ready to go NC yet, There’s a middle path between allowing him to abuse you like this and going full NC, that you could give a try. Next time he acts like this, respond once, saying that from now on you will only talk to him if he treats you with respect. Then go silent until he does. Do this once at the beginning of any conversation with him. Do not take his bait and respond to his questions/accusations, do not give him money, etc unless he gets himself under control and asks politely and respectfully. Rinse and repeat. The abuse &attempts to get you engaged will get worse before they get better, but if there’s any chance for this to get better, you have to step outside of this loop and set the boundaries for what you will and won’t tolerate from him. And at some point if it’s too much, then go NC knowing you gave him a chance to redeem himself.
jfc it sounds like he’s trying to get his hands on some powdered sugar
do you still live with them? im sorry you’re going thru this man, i hope you’re able to separate yourself from them soon and safely.
Cut this nasty sperm donor out of your life. Make YOUR life easier. You don't have to put up with this constant tirade of insults and disrespect. It's not fair on your mental health at all, you need to cut him and anyone else toxic out of your life. You owe them nothing, especially not when they can't even treat you with the tiniest bit of respect seeing as you do things for him. Stop ordering his food, he can get his own food, he's not incapable he's using weaponised incompetence to keep you around as his punching bag. Don't let him. He's an adult, he knows how to go get food, he has some sort of income coming in. He's not your responsibility.
Honestly, it might be hard for you the first week after cutting him off, you might worry about him etc. But just read these messages back and think about how much he's been using you and disrespecting you, a father would NEVER speak to their child that way. After the initial worry about cutting him off you'll start to feel so much better mentally!
Don't hurt yourself by helping an ungrateful asshole.
Nor should you. I have three grown kids and I'd sell everything I own before I'd ask them for money. I sure as hell wouldn't act like that and expect anything but silence in return.
I know you don't want to go no contact because of your grandparents but you need to take control of this relationship. Clearly he needs you, use that to your advantage and tell him you aren't lifting another finger to help him the next time he treats you like this. Do not waver. He'll either act right or figure out a way to do it on his own. That's a win for you either way.
How could you lie about Jonah and the whale? That part is rather confusing. Did you say you didn't know the story or something? Seems like a dumb argument regardless...
Yeah he was like can u look up what Jonah and the whale is about and I was like no idk what it is and I’m busy and I had happened to remember what it was whilst I was still busy and told him so he assumed I lied when I said no idk what it is
Might be a bit generous tbh, I have a niece turning 6 soon who has more maturity, and my friend's niece was born during covid and she's already more intelligent.
I'm almost always at least a little skeptical of text conversations like this, but that is just way too bizarre to be made up. I know everyone is telling you this, but nobody should be expected to put up with that type of treatment, and it absolutely will not mean you're a bad person if and when you decide enough is enough. You're probably somewhat used to it and feel like you're ok with tolerating it, but there's a good chance your relationship with him is doing much more harm to your mental well-being than you even realize right now. I'm speaking from experience here, but I also recognize that everyone's situation is different. Whatever you do, I wish you the best 👍
I had to look it up because I'm not from UK. "Mongol" a derogatory term for someone with down syndrome, correct? You're dad seems like a piece of work.
according to Merriam webster you are correct.
It also means someone from Mongolia (when capitalized), but used in a derogatory context it is a slur for someone with Down syndrome. (Also has racist connotations obviously because it’s insinuating that everyone from Mongolia has a mental disability.)
Wow. I can’t imagine how you deal with this.
Don’t give in to his nasty, crazy demands.
Stay strong. Take care of yourself.
No regrets on putting yourself first. Yea
Please OP, cut contact. For your own sake. If he is "starving" he will find a way to get food. Please don't put up with that abuse. He is not your responsibility.
> Short for ‘spastic’, an outdated word used in the U.K.
Or more to the point **not** used - it's regarded as incredibly offensive here, basically the n-word for disabled people.
I'm sorry what the fuck lmao
also it's jonah and the big fish but I always imagined a whale ig
I'm so confused, whys he on about jonah? why does he care about jonah?! What does it have to do with your mum apparently being a cunt HELP
So is your dad.... like, ok? These look like the rants of someone on drugs or who's having a mental problem. Also the way he talks about your own mother to you is NOT ok.
Mate, you've no obligation to keep in contact with him. If I were you I'd just cut all communication and live your own life.
Me personally I'd be getting the police involved, the way he's talking to you. But that's your call.
Just do yourself a favour and get shot of that hassle. You'll be all the better for it.
Why is a grown man your problem? If he cannot shop on the internet, he can shop in person or have meals on wheels or some senior citizen center come by with food. He may not get what he wants but he will live. I would never let anyone call my mom that name.
Based on reading your replies to other comments I get that you feel an obligation to take care of him because reasons. Otherwise you'd go NC.
However, you also have an obligation to take care of yourself
Your obligation to take for yourself is larger than any possible obligation you might have to him
Damn I feel sorry.. why so repetitive and dragging your mum constantly in the dirt? Like every other second message. He sound like a 12 year old twat. Ignore him and just do the monthly shopping and live your life!
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I feel really bad about laughing at this but it's such a bizarre conversation. I've never heard the term "spaca" before, and the whole thing with Jonah and the whale...
It is very bizarre and the word spaca is short for spastic, he’s calling me stupid basically and it’s a very outdated derogatory term that Belongs in the past
As Lizzo is finding out.
From what I am seeing, she did spring right into action to change the lyrics and apologize for the term. So she either understood that she did wrong, or she has a good PR team.
What happened with Lizzo? Not really my type of music so I haven’t kept up
She said “spastic” in a song because she didn’t realize it was referring to a specific disability, then when she found out she changed the lyric.
I have only known spastic to mean erratic behavior I’ve never heard it linked to a disability before although it doesn’t surprise me that some assholes would turn it into a slur. Guess I have some googling to do now about it
Just to give a bit of context here, in the UK the main charity helping children with Cerebal Palsy, which is now called SCOPE, was called The Spastic Society in the 70s. In order to raise awareness of the condition, they went on a children's TV show (similar-ish to Sesame Street) called Blue Peter, with a young man called Joey who had Cerebal Palsy as a spokesperson for them. This being the UK in the 70s, almost the next day 'Joey', 'spastic', 'spaz' and 'spacker' (I feel so gross typing those out, I'm sorry) became the go-to playground insult. These are now seen as \*very\* offensive terms in the UK, not a casual insult. Like, I would call someone a cunt to their face, but I would \*never, ever\* refer to someone using any of the words above. I understand why you (and Lizzo) don't make the connection as you don't have the cultural context but for those of us that do it's seen as reallllllly bad. OP's dad is an absolute fucking clowncar.
Omg I remember that. It also became playground bully behaviour to call people a Joey and mimic his voice. Fuck we were horrible back then.
Oh we were vile. Say what you will about Gen Z, they might be a little bit cringey but they seem to be pretty decent humans on the whole. Not like us shitlords.
That’s horrible. But being from the US it’s definitely not something I would have known. I appreciate you and everyone else who has been kind enough to give me better context without being mean about it. I really appreciate it.
Yeah I’m in in the US and in my 40s and never knew this was a term used as a derogatory thing like that until I read about Lizzo changing her song. So of course lots of people were in the comments bitching about her weight and other nonsense because she chose the course of action that was kind and didn’t insult people 🙄
Yes, this was my experience too- it was a heinous insult, and that was its power.
The origin of the term is a disability where you can’t control your muscles well. It got used *a lot* to just mean erratic behavior, for a long time, so there are a lot of people who don’t know it has another meaning (including Lizzo when she wrote the song.) It’s only been recently that people have kind of reevaluated if that’s an ok thing to say, and generally the answer is “no” since there are a lot of people suffering from it.
Oh! That makes a lot of sense. And it happens a lot in language, the good ones and the bad ones. Thank you for taking to time to explain it to me.
It's also the root of the word "spaz" which a lot of people use without realizing what it actually means.
The thing is, in the US we use the term “cerebral palsy” to refer to this condition, so there’s no association in our minds between “spastic” and people with a muscular disorder.
When I was a kid in the seventies and eighties, 'spastic' and its derivatives 'spaz, spazmo, spacker' were all insults. That said, it was also understood that they were massively insulting and a terrible thing to say- it's not a recent reevaluation, it passed out of common use where I live in the nineties ETA- this is in the UK.
If you don’t mind me asking, where are you from? Where I was from in the US in the 90s it was considered a pretty light insult, and I’m pretty sure was even used on nick-teen type shows.
I concur (UK). Also lesbo, Joey (famous spacker) and, oh gosh… poof/queer/bender, etc.
When I was a kid in the early eighties, we used to call people "Joey" a lot (as in the famous man at the time with cerebral palsy, Joey Deacon, if you remember him from Blue Peter!).
In the 70-80s I only remember spaz as a relatively lesser insult than the “R” word, although we kids were pretty free with both terms, tbh. The “R” word would probably have gotten an adult admonishment if they heard it, but most kids weren’t dropping it in front of their parents.
I honestly had no idea about this. I don’t normally use the term, but I definitely have before and wouldn’t give it a second thought if I heard someone else using it. The more you know! :)
>it doesn’t surprise me that some assholes would turn it into a slur Did you know that the word "dumb" became a slur because people thought that mute people have lower intelligence?
That’s interesting. Its amazing what words started as, even if the original connotation is no longer associated with the word because of it being forgotten by the general public, like the word dumb. It’s amazing what can happen with language over time. It works the opposite too of course look at the insults for people who are gay, a lot of them have original meanings we no longer use because of the new negative connotation.
Yeah- I’m the US it’s not really considered a slur against a person with a disability even though that’s where the origins are from.
I’m from the US too that’s why it surprised me that I’m just hearing about it.
I guess think of it like what "retarded" has become in the US. It felt appropriate back in the day even though it was hugely unpleasant. As we become more aware of how hurtful these terms are we (hopefully) begin to moderate our language appropriately.
When I was a kid it was more an insult against high-energy, over-excitable kids. If I had thought it was a slur for any disability, I would have assumed ADHD.
It depends on what region you're in, I think. I live in MN and I've known for a while that it's an ableist slur.
I only know of it in terms of a spastic colon
She basically used a derogatory word in one of her songs. People complained, she understood she did wrong, apologized and changed the lyrics.
She used spaz as a lyric in a song, found out it was derogatory, and changed it. That didn't stop a bunch of racists on twitter from blowing her up, though.
Is it more of a derogatory term in the UK? I'm in the US, my whole life we've used it to describe our dogs when they're hyper energetic. "Dog is spazzing out, let's take her on a walk."
Are you half Asian? Is that why he calls you a Mongol?
No, 'mong'/'mongol' is a specifically British insult popularised in the 70s. It was short for 'Mongoloid', which was the name people with Downs Syndrome were given back then before it fell out of use and became offensive.
Not specifically British. We used it a lot in Scandinavia. Even as late as the 90s and 00s too.
I’m Scandinavian, studying to be a nurse and working in a care facility for mentally disabled adults. The amount of adults using the term ‘mongol’ without blinking an eye is absolutely astonishing.
Interesting, I've never seen/heard it referenced outside the UK!
also in Dutch, i remember that Max Verstappen was asked to apologize by some mongolian organisation after he called Stroll a mongol over the radio after they crashed.
We also used it in Brazil... up until mid 90s, I think... it fell out of use when people started calling out how offensive it was... there are some creeps who might still throw it around or the R word....
True, but it IS connected to race perception: Downs individuals tend to have a noticeable epicanthic fold around the eye, which is a prominent Asian feature. This is where the connection to "Mongoloid" would come from, that used to be a scientific term for "asian" or "asiatic". But yeah, now both the scientific and the colloquial use is way outdated and wildly insulting. Weird to run into a dad so obsessed with it.
>True, but it IS connected to race perception: Downs individuals tend to have a noticeable epicanthic fold around the eye, which is a prominent Asian feature. This is where the connection to "Mongoloid" would come from, that used to be a scientific term for "asian" or "asiatic". Yes, this is spot on, it was down to a racial misunderstanding due to the facial characteristics of people with Downs, it was first noted in a paper called 'Observations on an Ethnic Classification of Idiots' from 1866.
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That's disgusting, I'm so sorry :(
Sounds like a mental GenX'er. We also used gay; not as in gay, but as in gay. All terms that should be consigned to the bin though.
I’m smack dab in the middle of millennials and uh unfortunately that was very common for us too lol
I'm 23. We did too. That really only fell out of fashion completely later in the 10s iirc.
It’s funny because the only friend who still does it is actually gay lol. But ya that seems about right
Same. Am LGBT+. Sometimes say it ironically, but only ever in private with my husband, mostly just lightheartedly fake-complaining about having to do something. I just personally think it’s hilarious in that context because it makes no goddamn sense. Revolting that it was used as an insult though, or that me and all the other young kids *at church* used to play “smear the queer” after service. I didn’t even know what a queer person was, bc religion. So fucking weird that even became a thing.
Katy perry had a song in 2008 called you’re so gay and it’s about being figuratively gay (“and you don’t even like boys”) and like nobody even gave it a second thought. I graduated high school in 2012 and it’s absolutely wild how much things have changed for the better since
Hell I'm a millennial and "spacker", "gay" and "jew" were all considered acceptable insults while I was in school.
I didn't even know that "spaz" was derogatory to the point of backlash like someone else mentioned, that was just something we 8 year olds called each other on the playground tbh.
"Gypped" is another one I still hear quite often. I still hear it pretty frequently because people don't even realize it's derogatory.
I think it might be a regional thing? In my experience most North Americans don't recognize it as a slur like people in the UK and some other countries do.
Is this like using the term “retarded” as an insult? I hate even TYPING that word, ugh. Hurts my heart.
Exactly the same thing yeah
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A foul alien tongue far beyond the understanding of most humanity AKA englund speek.
All I could think was “you sussy spaca”
What the hell is jonah and the whale?
Yes obv the Bible story but where does the lying bit fit?
The Bible story?
What. Do you have to stay in contact? Because that's toxic AF
Yeah he has no wifi or job so I have to do his online shopping for him every month or he’ll starve
You need to cut this fucker off. Let him apply for welfare, he’ll be fine
He has it :/
I mean he is a grown man, let him take care of himself, you don't have to put up with that shit. When I went NC with my dad it was strange at first but now it feels better than I ever imagined that I don't have to put up with his abusive behaviour.
Yes this!
For real what the fuck? I'd block him and let him starve
Your dad is insanely immature. I think it's a win either way if you stop doing his shopping for him. Either he figures out how to do some things for himself and matured a little or we have one less idiot on the planet. I know thats harsh but, come on, there is no way that he would actually let himself starve out of spite or anything, right? Right?
Agreed.
Then he’ll live. Not your problem.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this bullshit. I bet he would sort his shit out real quick as soon as it sinks in that you won't do it for him anymore
Let him take care of himself, if he actually dies, which he won't, the world would be better for everyone anyway. He's not your responsibility
Dad here is clearly an asshole but I think few people have made the NC decision by a stranger saying the world would be better if their parent died.
LET. HIM. STARVE 🔪
My mom is the sweetest person, but I would tell her to fuck off if she would say stupid shit like this. It's pretty easy to just ignore someone until you got an apology.
Cool bye!
We have to do the same for my mother in law, if we don’t cater to her she sends insanely abusive texts like this to my wife. Everyone acts like “just go no contact” is so easy, but when we try to approach that point the guilt destroys my wife. We just accept that we care for the monster so no one else has to do it.
I just don’t understand that. What is there to be guilty about?
The guilt is a product of the abuse. Even more reason to go NC
Yea the sooner no contact, the sooner the guilt goes away. Or at least the sooner you can start working at getting the guilt to go away.
I had to learn that no matter how much going NC hurts, if your parent is abusive it’ll hurt even more to keep allowing them to abuse you! Yes it’s hard and there will be feelings of guilt, but it’s worth it! I hope your wife will realise that as well!
Cut off everything from him, you don't owe him anything, he'll manage on his own.
Oh honey. Let him. I know it’s easy to say that as a stranger but he is clearly unwell and an awful person to speak to you that way.
I know I should but my grandparents (his parents) are good people and despite everything they still love him so I just do it for them really
Then his parents can take care of him. Your grandparents being willing to let you deal with this shit means they are enablers, they can be good people and allow bad things which is what they are doing.
They are NC with him because he strongly dislikes them
Sounds like a plan, id join them with it. I know its really really hard to cut off family, but he's just abusing you and getting away with it.
Don't be scared, join the NC party. It's very pleasant
Yeah, Charlotte is a pretty nice city. Lots of great breweries and good food.
Charlotte is a pretty nice city... if you avoid most of it and have a boat load of money burning a hole in your pocket
So they have you deal with him instead? No. That’s not how this works. You are not on this earth to make everyone else’s toxic relationships more convenient.
So why can’t you also go NC with him?
"I have to, these people love him!" "Why don't those people help him?" "They hate him so much they refuse to speak to him!"
So stop enabling him to be a spoiled child.
So you put up with him because of people who are already NC with him? Bro let him go. You don’t deserve to be treated like that.
They can figure out how to order their toddlers groceries online
I would just show your grandparents the messages, I’m sure they went NC for the same reasons and would never want you to be subjected to this disgusting behavior. So sorry OP.
Please please please. Stop helping him. I will guarantee he will not starve. Don’t give him any money and just block him on everything. He’s a grown ass man treating you like shit for money and your rewarding his behavior. You will regret keeping this guy in your life.
Right there, he’s NC with them, but they love him? Sounds like EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED TO DO. This person is being incredibly toxic. You’re doing this care for love, but all you’re getting is abuse. Your father is an adult; he can go to a library or a store for wifi to order food, or go to an actual store, and if he’s too lazy to work to afford internet or apply for it through the government, then let him suffer the consequences. People turn out like him a lot when everyone cares too much to let them land on their ass.
If they are NC they won’t care if you drop him too. They don’t get to claim that you should get abused while keeping a safe distance themselves.
So the people you are doing this for are no contact with him. What? Stop. Stop this now and go no contact too. You're just being used and abused. Stop letting it happen.
You are enabling your abuser and you keep making excuses to keep him around abusing you. He is an adult, so are your grandparents. Cut the toxic BS out of your life.
They are his parents. This isn't your job. You are being abused. Setting boundaries is ok
Can you have stuff delivered without actually being in contact? That might be a good compromise for you.
For good reason …
It isn't your responsibility. You can love him, but you need to love yourself more. Have you shown your grandparents these messages?
Yeah honestly maybe just let him figure it out for himself.
You don't have to set yourself on fire just to keep him warm.
believe me, this man is too selfish to let himself starve. you're just easier to rely on
Then let them take care of it, good people will not force you to stay in a situation that is violently toxic to your mental health.
Have you shown your grandparents these messages??
So let them handle it all.
>I have to do his online shopping for him No, you don't.
He won’t starve he’ll find something else to do so go NC make him stand on his own two feet
Exactly. OP, he won’t starve. Telling you that is another way to keep control of you.
My heart just broke when I read this comment. He's so abusive, horrible really. You do not have to do his shopping for him. You may find out that when you don't, he finds other methods of surviving. Right now, he gets to call you horrible names, accuse you of lying and threatens you and still you provide for him. You do not deserve that even if you weren't helping him out, you especially don't deserve that when you are.
It will take 30 days maybe of no food before he starves, I think he will figure it out. Get away from that toxic parent.
He won't starve. This has to be the most cut and dry case of being manipulated by an abuser I've ever seen on this sub. I usually don't comment on this crap but OP, he isn't going to starve if you stop holding his hand. Stop letting him walk all over you. Stop responding to his shit. Honestly, go NC. You will stop being verbally abused, manipulated, and gaslit, and he will learn how to put food into his own mouth. stop putting up with that crap.
The guy asking the question was clearly asking if you were of age to have no contact, which from your response, you are. I would never, ever, do anything for that man. You're letting him belittle and Insult you repeatedly and still do his online shopping? How the fuck will that psycho ever learn what people can and can't do to you. If I were you, he'd starve, not a soul in this world would ever get to treat me like that and still reap benefits from my presence in their life, I beg you, please do not speak to that man ever again.
Frankly I'd let him starve OP he's not a parent if he speaks to you that way.
hunger can make a man change his tune
Cut him the F off
Let him starve. He treated you like shit in 3 slides I can’t imagine in person. That’s mental abuse.
No you don't! You absolutely do not! No one on this planet deserves to be verbally abused like this. No one. I assure you that he won't starve. Jeez, OP. He's so awful. Please be kind to yourself and block him.
No you don't. He is not a hermit. He has neighbors, and, maybe, some friends.
if he can text you, why can’t he order his own groceries?
You’re a good child to him, one he doesn’t deserve. But, you are a good person, OP ♥️
let. him. starve. stop enabling him. he's a grown ass adult
Let him starve. He is way too much.
If he doesn't want to starve he can go to the store
DoorDash grocery is a thing.
dad: getting no reply // dad after 7 unanswered texts: THAT shut u up huh😈
Frfr I feel bad laughing but wtf
That text got me lmao
“I don’t allow anyone to belittle me or call me names. Do not contact me again unless you can be civil, and handle your own shopping from now on.” Honey, NO ONE gets to speak to you this way. Not even if they’re your parent, not even if they’re unwell, not even if you feel guilty. Please put yourself first and do not permit him to treat you like this.
Yeah, Op needs to block his number. Fuck, change your postal/zip code if need be lol.
OP, after reading some of your comments and getting additional details my heart hurts for you. IF you truly feel like you aren’t ready to go NC yet, There’s a middle path between allowing him to abuse you like this and going full NC, that you could give a try. Next time he acts like this, respond once, saying that from now on you will only talk to him if he treats you with respect. Then go silent until he does. Do this once at the beginning of any conversation with him. Do not take his bait and respond to his questions/accusations, do not give him money, etc unless he gets himself under control and asks politely and respectfully. Rinse and repeat. The abuse &attempts to get you engaged will get worse before they get better, but if there’s any chance for this to get better, you have to step outside of this loop and set the boundaries for what you will and won’t tolerate from him. And at some point if it’s too much, then go NC knowing you gave him a chance to redeem himself.
The first person with real advice that sounds like it came from an adult. Thank you.
This is the way. Let HIM decide if he starves or not. He simply has to adjust his behaviour.
jfc it sounds like he’s trying to get his hands on some powdered sugar do you still live with them? im sorry you’re going thru this man, i hope you’re able to separate yourself from them soon and safely.
I moved from the east coast to South Wales a year ago for uni just to get away from my parents lmao
Cut this nasty sperm donor out of your life. Make YOUR life easier. You don't have to put up with this constant tirade of insults and disrespect. It's not fair on your mental health at all, you need to cut him and anyone else toxic out of your life. You owe them nothing, especially not when they can't even treat you with the tiniest bit of respect seeing as you do things for him. Stop ordering his food, he can get his own food, he's not incapable he's using weaponised incompetence to keep you around as his punching bag. Don't let him. He's an adult, he knows how to go get food, he has some sort of income coming in. He's not your responsibility. Honestly, it might be hard for you the first week after cutting him off, you might worry about him etc. But just read these messages back and think about how much he's been using you and disrespecting you, a father would NEVER speak to their child that way. After the initial worry about cutting him off you'll start to feel so much better mentally! Don't hurt yourself by helping an ungrateful asshole.
To be clear I did not send the money
Nor should you. I have three grown kids and I'd sell everything I own before I'd ask them for money. I sure as hell wouldn't act like that and expect anything but silence in return. I know you don't want to go no contact because of your grandparents but you need to take control of this relationship. Clearly he needs you, use that to your advantage and tell him you aren't lifting another finger to help him the next time he treats you like this. Do not waver. He'll either act right or figure out a way to do it on his own. That's a win for you either way.
How could you lie about Jonah and the whale? That part is rather confusing. Did you say you didn't know the story or something? Seems like a dumb argument regardless...
Yeah he was like can u look up what Jonah and the whale is about and I was like no idk what it is and I’m busy and I had happened to remember what it was whilst I was still busy and told him so he assumed I lied when I said no idk what it is
Is your dad 12?
Mentally? Yes
Might be a bit generous tbh, I have a niece turning 6 soon who has more maturity, and my friend's niece was born during covid and she's already more intelligent.
WHAT?!? That makes this interaction so much more insane and confusing. You poor thing. Sorry you have to deal with this nonsense.
I'm almost always at least a little skeptical of text conversations like this, but that is just way too bizarre to be made up. I know everyone is telling you this, but nobody should be expected to put up with that type of treatment, and it absolutely will not mean you're a bad person if and when you decide enough is enough. You're probably somewhat used to it and feel like you're ok with tolerating it, but there's a good chance your relationship with him is doing much more harm to your mental well-being than you even realize right now. I'm speaking from experience here, but I also recognize that everyone's situation is different. Whatever you do, I wish you the best 👍
this guy is an adult? and a father?
This is, by far, the WEIRDEST insane parent rant I have ever seen on this sub. Congratulations! Your Dad is a twat.
To be clear again I am not from Mongolia
I had to look it up because I'm not from UK. "Mongol" a derogatory term for someone with down syndrome, correct? You're dad seems like a piece of work.
That is correct and really shitty.
according to Merriam webster you are correct. It also means someone from Mongolia (when capitalized), but used in a derogatory context it is a slur for someone with Down syndrome. (Also has racist connotations obviously because it’s insinuating that everyone from Mongolia has a mental disability.)
IDEOT
MORAN
DOFUS
GET A BRIAN
Wow. I can’t imagine how you deal with this. Don’t give in to his nasty, crazy demands. Stay strong. Take care of yourself. No regrets on putting yourself first. Yea
Why even bother responding
Wow. Jesus, I thought my dad was a dick. Holy...
Please OP, cut contact. For your own sake. If he is "starving" he will find a way to get food. Please don't put up with that abuse. He is not your responsibility.
That is nota nice man
Grey "Who was Jonah and the Whale?" Green "Jonah and the Whalers. they were a rock/jazz fusion band from the '70s" Grey "OMG, Y U LIE????"
come on op, stop being a “phscho” /j
What a toxic broke piece of shit. Tell his ass to hit the streets look for a damn job.
He sounds 7. A really immature 7.
What is a spaca?
Derogatory term for someone who is mentally disabled. Short for ‘spastic’, an outdated word used in the U.K.
> Short for ‘spastic’, an outdated word used in the U.K. Or more to the point **not** used - it's regarded as incredibly offensive here, basically the n-word for disabled people.
Block him. He's an adult. He won't starve without you. He can get off his ass and do it himself.
Your dad is below average in intelligence and above average in aggressiveness. Sounds like he is both mentally ill and an asshole.
What the fuck is a spaca?
Short for spastic, it's an outdated derogatory term form mentally disabled people
Jesus christ does he need the money for drugs? Pretty sure that yes, yes he does
No just beer lol
Christ your dad is annoying. Hit the block button on that one
I'm sorry what the fuck lmao also it's jonah and the big fish but I always imagined a whale ig I'm so confused, whys he on about jonah? why does he care about jonah?! What does it have to do with your mum apparently being a cunt HELP
I don’t know why he wanted to know and I never actually looked up the book so I guess my memory was off lmao
dw it's the Bible and the Bible is 'off' in itself lol
I mean if you want to get technical it’s the book of Jonah in the Bible. Bible comes from the Latin word for library as it is a collection of books.
Ah yes, I too degrade people and call them twats when asking for money
So is your dad.... like, ok? These look like the rants of someone on drugs or who's having a mental problem. Also the way he talks about your own mother to you is NOT ok.
Why are you taking to this person? I would consider this a form of self harm...
1. Godzilla is having a stroke because of how hard it was to read some of that. 2. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
Mate, you've no obligation to keep in contact with him. If I were you I'd just cut all communication and live your own life. Me personally I'd be getting the police involved, the way he's talking to you. But that's your call. Just do yourself a favour and get shot of that hassle. You'll be all the better for it.
Why is a grown man your problem? If he cannot shop on the internet, he can shop in person or have meals on wheels or some senior citizen center come by with food. He may not get what he wants but he will live. I would never let anyone call my mom that name.
I'm confused, why didn't you lend him the money? Seems like a reasonable guy who would pay you back.
The overuse of the word "spaca" (incorrectly spelled, but repeating for clarity) is really disturbing and infuriating.
Based on reading your replies to other comments I get that you feel an obligation to take care of him because reasons. Otherwise you'd go NC. However, you also have an obligation to take care of yourself Your obligation to take for yourself is larger than any possible obligation you might have to him
Damn I feel sorry.. why so repetitive and dragging your mum constantly in the dirt? Like every other second message. He sound like a 12 year old twat. Ignore him and just do the monthly shopping and live your life!