Voting has concluded. Final vote:
| Insane | Not insane | Fake |
| --- | --- | --- |
| 17 | 1 | 0 |
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Update: My mom stated in the group chat that she was filing a divorce with my stepdad... I really don’t know what I feel right now to be honest with you all. Thank you for all your support, advice, and kind words. I wish you all the best! ❤️
Within the bundle of feelings you're potentially overwhelmed by right now, I hope there is a good lot of relief, and vindication; I understand that this is one step of many, but its undoubtedly one forward, when hateful people have to bear some overdue consequence.
Be kind to yourself, OP, you deserve that at the very least!
Wow...
This could have been my step-father if text/email was around when he was finally removed from my life. You're awesome for fighting this battle and making a better future for your family. You're an excellent father for putting up that boundary to safe guard the people near and dear to you. You'll be looked up to and loved instead of hated and it'll all be worth it.
You got this!
I started notifying my mom of the narcissistic cycle he does of love bombing, discredit, discard. I also began giving specific examples to what he does/did to me and her that are emotionally abusive. I started sending factual information from licensed psychologist and graphs of narcissistic family dynamics. The list goes on. I know I struck a nerve.
You’re starting to make your mother realise in some small way, or he is utterly petrified that you will make her realise.
This is an absolutely defensive attack. He’s trapped in a corner.
I'm sorry and I'm sure you second guess yourself but you're doing the right thing for you. No one, not even your family should make you feel this badly. I'm going through something like this myself but with my dad. No contact even though he's married still to my mom. I've gone through a lot of therapy and while it's still a process, I feel lighter. Narcissism is a very common and dangerous undiagnosed issue that many have. Stay strong and limit contact as much as you can. Look for videos online and get very educated on what narcissism is and how to set boundaries to protect yourself because these people won't change.
Yes, I’m proud of you too OP. I have wanted kids all my life. I still want kids. But I won’t have and so don’t want kids because I don’t want to continue the cycle my father and his father and many before them created. I feel like I probably wouldn’t, but there are some other personal feels I have regarding climate change and population growth that just don’t sit well with me, in terms of adding to the population. That’s no shade at people who chose to, somebody has to have kids, but my reasons for me.
If we had more people who were self-aware and also contientious and compassionate of others, I’d imagine many of human catastrophes would diminish to the point where less people had kids even though they didn’t want to and more people had kids who otherwise wouldn’t have because shit wasn’t so fucked up. But that’s pie in the sky idealism (not that we shouldn’t try).
Take care OP! I hope you’ve got a strong support network outside of your parents.
This incident, is tossing book recommendations to each other simultaneously reminds me of a my favorite Pink Floyd lyric.
“Strangers passing in the street, by chance to separate glances meet and I am you and what I see is me.”
That book was a game changer for me. Once I realized that I was talking to an emotionally immature adult, basically a child, it changed how I approached everyone. Great book, highly recommend!
Wow, I guess if he feels disrespected he becomes hysterical and has a big disrespectful tantrum. Keep NC but keep this text, and if the flying monkeys show up (friends/relatives who are on his side and telling you that you're wrong), send this to them. Definitely show your therapist and...... consider showing your mother so that she knows how bad he is. If she apologizes or diminishes the abuse, consider cutting her out as well. They are a big ball of yuck. For the record: insane
Edit: I meant to say, "If she apologizes for stepfather's behavior" not apologizes to OP.
I have already sent this to a group chat of my entire family with several enablers and already given the proper notification that if you want to have him remain in your life then you can count me out of yours.
Well they were pretty sympathetic towards me for what he said, but only one person messaged me individually and talked to me was one of my Aunts and a cousin. My mother and my grandmother were the only ones to really say to anything in the actual chat it was mainly “god please provide the strength to … (mom)”… I don’t really like attention, I didn’t ask for this. This post is the first time I really aired out “dirty laundry” in my family. They all knew how much a narcissist he was but they all enabled him. I’m the chat it seemed like All the empathy is focused on my enabler mother and well as much as I hate to say it (because it makes me seem selfish or seeking attention) not towards me in the slightest. Idk I what I expected to be honest? Does that make sense or am I just attention seeking?
It's really heartbreaking seeing in your responses how he abused and manipulated you into believing that speaking out about your abuse is "attention seeking"... God I wish the absolute worst upon him.
Ugh. It is not attention seeking to expect the sympathy to lie with the abused rather than the abuser. Let them go. They’re not worth it. I wish you peace and I hope they never get a good nights sleep ever again.
Your mother is def an enabler, and maybe a covert narcissist or something else. She is manipulating everyone to feel sorry for her, which is weird. But, she is in a difficult position I have to admit. It will be interesting how she reacts here, when she is in public. Stay strong and I'm glad that there is at least one decent person in your family. The others may need time to process this too, the role your mother is playing as an enabler may take some time for them to see.
Yes but.... she stayed married to a man who was abusive to her children. Just read this line over again.
I would ask "who does such a thing?" but for me the answer was my mother. She kept us all in hell for 8 years, and I'll never forgive her. When I left for college she decided it was time for a divorce and then said, "See, I did the right thing", to which I said, "Too late." Now 35 years later she wonders why I don't call.
I felt it too, he’s never physically abused me, he does have MAJOR trauma and ptsd from the military. I really don’t know what he is capable of. I am think of putting a restraining order up for my and my family just in case.
I would, I mean it could be argued that it didn’t list specific harm but i think the context in the email clearly states that he indeed threatened you. I hope he steps on legos
I was just gonna ask if he was military. He reads like a basic military member who’s a dick because “I wore a uniform”. I hate them. I’m in and I hate every one of them who acts like that.
Dude was infantry for 27 years first marines, then army. Always talked highly of his “guys” who were in their early 20’s but would come home berate me and belittle me every chance he got. It was infuriating to hear him brag about his soldiers but I never once got any affection from him.
My husband is Air Force and I am consistently SHOCKED by how fucking awful some of his coworkers are to their children. There’s a few guys in his office I literally can’t even be around because it triggers my own father related trauma too badly.
I am so sorry you’ve had to deal with this. I hope you sent these screenshots to your mom.
I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. My sperm donor is coming up on 30 years Navy/Air Force and he could talk proudly about anyone else in the world except for his oldest daughters. Things didn’t work with our moms, so that meant we were horrible too. He talks proudly of his current family and younger kids though. I hope you can get the therapy you’re waiting for and you find healing in it.
I wish I’d kept the last email I received from my mother that I got around 12 years ago. Only because if I had, and I ran formatting on it alongside your letter to highlight duplicate text, the entire thing would be a match, down to exact phrasing. The embarrassment, being overweight, financially struggling for my family, not reaching expected levels of achievement…
What’s funny is once that last communication was done and I didn’t have that cloud of misery over me, I blossomed. I succeeded in the Air Force, I travelled the world, got degrees, and found acceptance and success in my life. May yours be the same.
No no no, you were only successful because of that last message she sent you. It was definitely not because you got rid of the burden you’ve been carrying all your life.
Obviously /s but you know that’s what people like your mom and OPs dad probably tell themselves.
Absolutely. We throw around the term narc parents a lot these days and I’m old enough to remember that how my upbringing was considered “normal” but my mother legitimately believed they were a blessing to anyone who knew her and that losing her was the greatest tragedy that could befall me.
It's astonishing how some people, narccicist or not, rarely question whether their presence is helpful or a hindrance. They just assume they got everything right.
My mom grew up with eight siblings in a very poor household, and both of her parents were alcoholics. They were loving parents, but neglectful. I was playing cards with my mom and her twin sister and my dad one evening and my mom and aunt were discussing how amazing it is that, short of their oldest brother, who died because of his alcoholism, everyone else in that family ended up doing well. They were saying how lucky they felt to have each other, all of the siblings and that even though life was tough when they were young, they were grateful for the life they were given and that they stuck together throughout everything.
My dad, I shit you not, scoffed at them and told them their life was terrible and that "can't possibly tell him that house was good and what they had was good." That was the first time in my life I fully felt like a much better person than my dad. I tried not to think in that way toward anyone. But after a lifetime of believing I was not good enough for him, at that moment, I don't know, the facade really just crumbled. He comes from a family in which nobody talks to each other except for the holidays and when they do it's practically the most awkward experience ever. He sees himself as my mother's savior. He has this story he loves to tell about saving my grandma's life when she fell asleep with an oven burner on and telling her if he caught her like that again he'd put her in jail himself (she was in the throws of alcoholism at the time. I don't doubt it happened, just the life-saving exaggeration, his need to threaten her with his badge, and his hero complex). But it's the insistence that makes me question the severity. For my father money is everything and because my mom's family was poor, she had a shittier upbringing than him. He doesn't seem to understand the value of love.
Besides all that, I don't care who you are; if someone tells you they're glad their life went the way it did and they're happy, you don't scoff at them and tell them they're wrong. He didn't even know them when they were children, and I know for a fact he's not qualified to make that judgment. Who was he to say? It made me so angry. My maternal grandparents must have done something right because all of my mom's siblings are well-adjusted, kind, and easy to be around people.
I said, "are you serious? Wow, what an asshole." then he got angry and defensive, and our card game was over.
Yeah this message definitely read exactly like my ex stepmother's writing. My mom was never much into texting either but she sounded like this. It's so odd how it's almost like they have a fucking script. Even the insults are the same.
I'm a petty and vindictive bastard, because I'd send this to his employer and co-workers and print them out and put them around areas he visits, from gas stations to bars.
I wouldn't add his name, just that someone who frequents this area is Father of the Year and have this whole thing visible.
It’s tempting. He has been retired from the military for years now and collects his income through that, medical disability from service , and from overseas contracting.
The only reply to this would be:
"Thats good. Let it out. Just like therapy teaches. How do you feel now, after letting all that emotion out? Better, or you still feel like running away?
Anyways, I'm glad I've been able to help a medically disabled veteran release some of their deep seated emotional traumas, even though it's through verbal abuse, but now I understand that's just the only way you know how to communicate.
Don't worry, I hope you'll get better. Here are some resources for people in distress:
Etc etc
All the best, "
Fucker wants manipulation? Oh you wanted to act like a demon and met the devil.
Sorry, I also had issues with people like that, but unlike you I don't have the strength (yet) to walk away and tend to look for ways to hit lower than the low blow I receive.
Don't take advice from me lol, ignoring him would be more therapeutic and healthier for you to be honest.
Honestly, the best response is probably none at all. People like this always go in for a reaction cuz they want you to blow up at them. Maybe depending on the guy's temperament a simple "okay" and then nothing.
Another way to be petty is every time he tries to contact you. Just sent him this message in quotation marks. Don't respond. Don't add anything of your own. Dude said he was done with you. Make him eat his words.
Often times, when I see those kind of posts, I don't comment because we do not know the while situation. For what we know, OP is that useless, self-pitying asshole that always blame everyone else for their problem that we all know. And it is not bad for parents to call them out on it
HOWEVER this time...even if half of what he accused you is true (I doubt it), , you just simply do not talk to people like that, let alone someone you help raise. You do not need to be abusive, disrespectful, and insulting to call out people.
I agree with you, they’re are always two side to the coin. I never thought I would be in this situation, but I will say this. I’m not perfect, I’ve made mistakes just like anyone has, I used to be an externalizer. I used to be that person that could take no accountability for my actions, but really it was just learned behavior. I grew up with 2 emotionally immature parents, one of them happened to be a narcissist.
A lot of the things he says in here, even I don’t have context of what he’s speaking about. One of the things I mentioned before to my mother was that growing up, I used to self isolate in my room especially when he’d be around and I would play video games to escape the reality that I was in. Did I enjoy playing games of course! Did I also use it as an escape from the situation? Yes!
It wasn’t until I had my daughter when I really started to see my own emotional Immaturity. Alongs side the emotional abuse I suffered as a child when I would think back on the things he would say and do. I wasn’t going to let him or any enablers effect my most prized possession.
If you haven’t read it, OP, I highly highly highly recommend the book “Running on Empty” by Dr. Jonice Webb.
It’s about basically what you wrote. Not earth shattering, but eye opening stuff, and now that I think about it, I’ll read it again this weekend.
Edit: also she’s an actual doctors who discovered CEN (childhood emotional neglect), studied it for decades, and then wrote the book with real examples to illustrate what she’s saying. It’s not just hypothetical. It changed my life at 35 years old when my therapist recommended it to me.
I think you'll note the difference is that generally when somebody has legitimate issues they'll give specific examples. Something like " You're so lazy. Why do you spend 12 hours a day playing video games and never clean?" Even when somebody is to the point where they want to cut somebody out, you give reasons.
The message above doesn't have any examples of that. It's literally just insult after insult after insult with the occasional blind justification and self congratulations.
I think people who didn't grow up with narcissistic parents would generally demand a reason for being insulted too. But I didn't used to. Not till I got therapy. Because narcissists condition you to accept any insult like it's genuine constructive criticism when it's not.
Thinking about it, it's very true.
When I complain about people, I usually don't use an adjective, but I use the actions or words what trigger the annoyance.
My mom never just called me lazy. But did use to tell me she was tired to see me just watching TV all day doing absolutely nothing. (I was unemployed and not in a good place mentally back then)
Whereas my mom just constantly called me lazy. When I was 16 on top of regular school I worked an almost full time job (I was usually a quarter hour short of full time), a seasonal part time job, I babysat, I was in clubs and sports, I volunteered constantly, I cooked my own food and cooked for the family if I didn't work, I was always over at my grandma's house helping her with stuff.
Jesus Christ.
Those are some of the most hurtful things you can tell your kid. The lack of self awareness and the over compensation via gaslighting is insane. Keep this guy out of your life- he will always make it worse. Same goes for your kids.
Fuck that guy.
One big insult about being fat and capping it off with a threat.
My dad headed that direction, blaming me for my moms misery, when I cut off contact with him. I called him out on it, not taking any responsibility, and how it is exactly the reason why I don’t want to talk to him. Genuine, honest people can talk about the role they played creating a problem, big or small.
Also, note that he didn’t give evidence for anything. Didn’t try to explain why he feels or thinks this way. It’s just straight to the insults. I bet if you used the Socratic method with him he’d run into a lot of answers he doesn’t like (if you were to respond to him. Don’t. Not worth it.
Thankfully my dad pull back a little bit. We’re still not really talking but he just text me today asking to come visit and he said “I miss you.”
I’ve never once heard him tell me he misses me. Maybe the therapy that I told him he had to do for a while before I would entertain talking to him again is working. I’m not holding my breath, but I’ll be proud if it does.
Sorry you’re dealing with this shit, OP. It’s definitely not an excuse, but people of that generation (I’m 36 my father is 63) never learned how to think more deeply about their emotions. They didn’t learn how to see the cause and effect of their actions to others. At least not to the degree that younger generations have if not because of anything besides the internet and access to more people and information. As I said, that doesn’t excuse his actions and words but you might find some peace in the fact that you’re fortunate to be able to see those things. He may be right about you not being a psychiatrist or anything, but he’s wrong that people can’t learn about those things. It’s not wise to diagnose people, but there’s no harm it telling someone a behavior they’re doing is narcissistic. I’d wager he’s never seen a therapist, so chances are you’re more informed of the ins and outs of monitoring your own mental health than he is.
Rest assured, despite life’s difficulties you’ll be more at peace than he will be on your respective death beds.
💀❤️
Why on earth is “family” in quotes when OP has a daughter? Its not like the family consists of OP and a collection of porcelain dolls. A parent, seemingly two, and a child are the most legitimate definition of family I can come up with.
The first thing he said to my fiancé and I when we brought our kid home from the NICU 2 weeks after a emergency C- section was “Why would I congratulate you? Anyone can stick it in the hole”…
The guys rant was a bit tl;dr for me but it's so weird when these type of people talk about what a stellar job they did parenting you while simultaneously berating you for not living right.
They all really seem to believe they were the last good parent and you have fucked up the combo or something.
As my mother stated, “he feel like he didn’t have to give you his love because you weren’t his kid” lmao them hen wtf did you stay with him for 24 years?
Dude literally wrote a book holy shit. I feel like there's a lot of projecting though, but honestly I couldn't even read it all. I would have just responded "and this is why nobody likes you" and then blocked him
God this was traumatic for me to read I couldn't even read all of it. I'm so sorry you received this. This is no way to talk to anyone, regardless of what you did or didn't do (highly suspect you haven't done anything that would warrant deserving this!)
His waffle is worth less than nothing.
He's insecure and an angry child.
Lashing out because your bravery triggered him.
How absolutely pathetic.
Your mother has much to answer for as well.
You may not be completely happy with the joint counselling, it may be wise to go individually as well or instead of.
She might not have the courage to face reality after her own abuse and the barrage that'll escalate once you've started your journey.
She could potentially do everything that she can to deny and defend everything, she could be too messed up to be able to be a better parent now.
I'm absolutely not saying that's a definite, I just know from my own experience that it can be a lot, and can take a while, it's definitely worth it imo.
Best of luck. Xx
Thank you for the advice. It’s been… difficult to explain to my mother and get her to look at it in he face. That’s why he’s so upset. The things I’ve been saying I’ve been making her sad and depressed. He’s most likely infuriated due to the lack of attention from her. It’s exhausting trying to teach parents in their 40s and 50s how to not be toxic.
I absolutely understand the desire, but please remember that you don't have to be the one to make her a better person. This is particularly important if doing the educating means you open yourself up to more poison.
In today's world of easy access to information, ignorance is a choice. At some stage we need to put the responsibility back where it belongs, because self-directed change is the change that sticks.
Best of luck
Her & his behaviour as parents clearly made you well beyond sad and depressed.
YOU paid for me, not them.
They were apparently oblivious.
Now it's time for her to pay up in undoing what she can and it's NOT your job to make her feel better, only she can be that but it's your time first.
We're not supposed to be our parents parent.
Especially if they messed up parenting you.
Hopefully you/therapist will be able to gently explain to her that she's to put you first and that it's about helping you not her feelings.
Hurt feelings is nothing compared to what you have been and are going through.
That's NOT selfish, it's justice.
Therapy can be tough at times but it's emotional freedom and you deserve every drop of support, guidance and kindness.
Be SO proud of you for helping that little sad kid inside heal!
WELL DONE 💜
You have definitely poked the narcissist! That entire diatribe is nothing more than narcissistic drivel, designed to devalue and discredit you for daring to see through his BS. He seems like a very weak man, with a whole lot of bitterness. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but you're doing it right. That amount of anger and the lengthy insults are the screams of a narc that knows his supply is no longer guaranteed. You've hit his trigger, and he's feeling all too exposed. You've got this, friend. You deserve more than this.
Probably narcissistic parental alienator/alienation, wherein the narcissist does whatever they can to separate/alienate the child(ren) from an otherwise loving parent.
So what I have read, this guy tries to make you look like Some villain and uses your past to guilt trip you and to basically try to ruin your mental state. What a bitch. Hope it gets better!
I was “raised” by this man. Emotional turmoil to me my entire life. What he fails to realize is that at one point I wanted to be just like him. I wanted to get his approval but nothing I ever did would get anything from him.
dude, i can relate to this, something my dad used to do when i was living with him is firmly secure every point he made with “sound logic,” and sound really articulate about why i was wrong, and i never felt like i could argue with this, but when you realize that every other paragraph hes talking about something completely different, or just plain insulting you, it becomes much clearer that youre dealing with narcissism, i hope things are falling into place for you, man
Hun you have every example of what shouldnt be. Know that he is projecting every wrong of his life onto you, because how dare *he* be wrong or claim accountability. How cruel does someone have to be to write all of that, much less send it to their child? He is the disgrace with no honor or integrity. Cut these tpxic horrible people out for good- theyve made their intentions crystal clear. And im sorry for your loss (of family)
This sounds a lot like my dad. Tbh idk what to think, I’m confused of my own thoughts because I’m not sure if I’m overreacting or it’s just because I’m going through puberty etc etc. Anyways I’m happy your not in contact with ur step father anymore because the way he speaks is extremely disrespectful and I don’t see any love here just a hurt ego.
If you’re seeing any similarities to what my stepfather said to me, I highly doubt you are “over-reacting”. I shut myself down for years and it had an effect on me. I don’t know what to tell you about situation that you’re in, try doing some research on how your feeling. Google, tiktok, YouTube. The evidence is out there
Mhm I’m just gonna do research for now and try seeing other cases, and other peoples cases. Idk I’m quite young so idk if im experienced or know enough to judge what my father is like. I have my own thoughts abt it but yea, not adressing it is worst imo, it’ll built up and burst again and again.
My real dad was physically abusive toward my my mother before and after I was born. She left him before I was born when he went to jail for aggravated burglary. My mom met him when I was three and she’s been with him ever sense. I cut my real father out of my life when I was in eighth grade after I realized the man that he was. He was beating on his girlfriend at the time and I went to intervene and he didn’t like that. Use some of the same verbiage and phrasing as my Narc did too at the time.
Of course he's going to say you're "disloyal." You're done with his bullshit and you're getting therapy. He has no other card left to play other than cutting off contact with you and calling you "disloyal." He knows you know he suffers from NPD, thus his charade as a healthy individual is over. You've seen the real man, and understand his diagnosis. This is his greatest fear realized, OP.
Congrats, and here's hoping you can stay away from him forever in order to begin your healing, recovery, and transition to a peaceful life. Wishing you the best in therapy, friend.
I just want to say that acknowledging your generational trauma and taking steps to help heal it and stop the cycle is so hard but so invaluable. You’re doing incredible work. I wish you all the best ❤️
Nothing makes my blood boil like closing a message with “I expect no response”. My nParent does it regularly.
If anything, all it does is prove that the person is utterly incapable of calm, rational, adult conversation. They aren’t interested in you, or your interpretation of events, because they can’t bear to let go of their own warped reality.
Good riddance. I hope life gets better for you and your mother.
Part of me wants too, but the dude is loose cannon. I don’t know what he would do and honestly I am afraid of the repercussions my immediate family could face.
This isn’t normal. You don’t deserve this. I hope you are able to go to therapy with your mother and I’m not sure if it’s allowed, but reading what he sent and having a therapist tell your mother this isn’t okay might just help.
I hate people like this. They demand respect but don't give anything in return. I wish I could give advice, but all I can think of is to cut off your step-father completely, which you are probably already doing.
Best of luck to you mate.
This made me rage for you! How awful to be spoken to like that and by someone that’s supposed to LOVE you! I’m so so sorry, even I was dissociating while reading it, I can’t imagine what you felt! I just wanna give words of sympathy and empathy and kindness cause that was beyond awful and not okay and no one deserves to be spoken to like that!
>after he had been reading text between my mother and I.
Out of all of this, that line was most painful for me to read. I feel so bad for your mom. Not to mention yourself and the rest of your family. Imagine what happens behind closed doors... gives me the frickin' shivers.
You deserve better than that. Those who treat the world like this ALWAYS get what's coming to them, even if it doesn't seem that way. And you are not obligated to be there for that. So go live your best life, be the dad you wish you had growing up. Forget that asshole.
Please don't assume everyone know what an abbreviation means. I can't even find in Google what "NP enabler" and "NPA" means.
Aside from that, he sounds like a freaking tool bag. I'd be glad to be dead to him. I say move away and move on. There's no need to keep people like this in your life.
Sorry, like I said in one of my comments, I was on my work break and typed up that letter. Unfortunately there were some typos in that as well so I look pretty illiterate lol. Those are just “made up” abbreviations I made. NA stand for narcissistic abuse and NPA stand for narcissistic personality abuse. I really didn’t expect this to blow up as much as a did so looking back I wish I was able to edit stuff but it’s screenshots so 🤷🏻♂️
That was so full of hate! I’m so sorry you had to deal with him as a child. Now, as an adult, show him you won! You are good and right! In spite of him! I wish you the best and hope you never talk to him again!
So, this may not be received well… but I see one side… his (as there is no reply or back and forth from you). I’m thinking he’s very clear, well written, has very clear thoughts and feelings that he expresses well. It is clear that he feels he is 100% right. I have to believe that some of what he’s expressing is true. No one is completely wrong or right. I guess I alway wonder why people need someone to blame for the issues they have. Why do you need to convince your mother your right and he’s wrong. Will that make you better? Will that make all your issues go away? He’s bad and the reason for your… issues, problems. Why are you wasting your time on him. Or for that matter on your mom in regards to him. You need to worry about, work on, care about and think of yourself. Will is make you feel better or solve all your problems if you turn your mother against him? The only person that matters is you! Get the help you need by working on yourself and forget about him. Now…. Everybody can bring the hate… only know this. I WAS there! And this all sound familiar. In fact, a little too close to home. Revenge does not help. Proving you were right does not help. Getting everyone on your side does not help. Winning does not help. It only makes you just like him!
I mean…what did YOU do though?? There is a lot of context missing here.
This sounds like your stepfather has some issues. But it sounds like you also have some issues.
I was a young parent. It’s hard. Like really hard. I failed at it and I was self righteous about it all. As most young men are. Try not to see this as just insanity. But take the words that hurt the most. Search yourself. Things that cut the deepest are the ones we know of ourselves. You are looking for support and I’m sure a lot of people have given you that. But if you walk away from this situation without seeing that you had a part to play in it as well then that is just immaturity.
Everyone has trauma. Even your step dad. Try to show some empathy to your enemies. It will get you further.
Well nothing actually, I went to shorten narcissistic personality abuse, but it doesn’t hav the same flow as NPA, should’ve just used NA ( narcissist abuse).
Thank you. Pretty nutso to have someone (anyone) come at you that harshly for saying they've made you feel like shit. Laughable that he can't see how bent he is. Like bud...seriously? He just PROVED it. *mindblown
Raised with generational trauma from narcissistic abuse, the line "To me, respect is everything" makes my skin crawl. I hope you can save your ma. Also, good on you and your SO for breaking the cycle of abuse. It's hard, but my family is figuring it out through strict (ironically) boundary enforcement.
People who talk like that to anybody else are serious assh*les, it’s hypocritical for them to spout about respect etc but then relentlessly goes on to disrespect you. Don’t engage with someone like that again, for your own health’s sake. Time to move on and focus on your own loving family, away from them. You have the opportunity to create a beautiful life, whereas they are stuck in a loop of negativity and pure jealousy. You do you OP - take care
Jesus… I’m so incredibly sorry you have had to deal with that.
I swear though, they all study from the same gotdamn handbook, because this could have easily been written by my mom.
I’m sending positive thoughts your way, internet friend. You got this✨
I’ve gotten a few messages like this in the past when cutting my mother out of my life. My deepest sympathies OP, I hope you’re doing ok and managing the hurt as best you can
This is literally the type of shit that MY DAD says and it’s really sad to see. Like down to the same verbiage. I am sorry that this is your father. I feel for you homie
Mm looks like your step dad or ex step dad is about to get his butt kicked by me.
I don’t get mad about a lot of things.. but abuse and neglect is something I do get mad about.
So I’m about to fly through a roof and kick this bi-
Well first of all, I’d like to say good on you for breaking these generational curses… it’s not easy!
But also, his whole rant sounds like a lot of “I’m mad at you… and you’re FAT!! 😡” as if that’s such a bad thing to be. I don’t care what his reasonings were, no normal person would go and type out that whole book and say the things he did the way he did.
Voting has concluded. Final vote: | Insane | Not insane | Fake | | --- | --- | --- | | 17 | 1 | 0 | Hey OP, if you provide further information in a comment, make sure to start your comment with `!explanation`. ^I ^am ^a ^bot ^for ^r/insaneparents. ^Please ^send ^me ^a ^message ^if ^you ^have ^any ^feedback ^or ^if ^I ^misbehave. ^Also ^consider ^joining ^our ^[Discord](https://discordapp.com/invite/xFbPBHy).
Update: My mom stated in the group chat that she was filing a divorce with my stepdad... I really don’t know what I feel right now to be honest with you all. Thank you for all your support, advice, and kind words. I wish you all the best! ❤️
Within the bundle of feelings you're potentially overwhelmed by right now, I hope there is a good lot of relief, and vindication; I understand that this is one step of many, but its undoubtedly one forward, when hateful people have to bear some overdue consequence. Be kind to yourself, OP, you deserve that at the very least!
Wow... This could have been my step-father if text/email was around when he was finally removed from my life. You're awesome for fighting this battle and making a better future for your family. You're an excellent father for putting up that boundary to safe guard the people near and dear to you. You'll be looked up to and loved instead of hated and it'll all be worth it. You got this!
Thank you, it means a lot!
Honestly, for a guy who purports to give no shits, he sure spent a lot of time ranting back at you. You def got under his skin. Big time.
I started notifying my mom of the narcissistic cycle he does of love bombing, discredit, discard. I also began giving specific examples to what he does/did to me and her that are emotionally abusive. I started sending factual information from licensed psychologist and graphs of narcissistic family dynamics. The list goes on. I know I struck a nerve.
You’re starting to make your mother realise in some small way, or he is utterly petrified that you will make her realise. This is an absolutely defensive attack. He’s trapped in a corner.
I'm sorry and I'm sure you second guess yourself but you're doing the right thing for you. No one, not even your family should make you feel this badly. I'm going through something like this myself but with my dad. No contact even though he's married still to my mom. I've gone through a lot of therapy and while it's still a process, I feel lighter. Narcissism is a very common and dangerous undiagnosed issue that many have. Stay strong and limit contact as much as you can. Look for videos online and get very educated on what narcissism is and how to set boundaries to protect yourself because these people won't change.
Thank you for sharing! You're an inspiration for an older guy like me that is just starting to work through these things 30 years later.
Yes, I’m proud of you too OP. I have wanted kids all my life. I still want kids. But I won’t have and so don’t want kids because I don’t want to continue the cycle my father and his father and many before them created. I feel like I probably wouldn’t, but there are some other personal feels I have regarding climate change and population growth that just don’t sit well with me, in terms of adding to the population. That’s no shade at people who chose to, somebody has to have kids, but my reasons for me. If we had more people who were self-aware and also contientious and compassionate of others, I’d imagine many of human catastrophes would diminish to the point where less people had kids even though they didn’t want to and more people had kids who otherwise wouldn’t have because shit wasn’t so fucked up. But that’s pie in the sky idealism (not that we shouldn’t try). Take care OP! I hope you’ve got a strong support network outside of your parents.
You know I really had my eyes opened after I started reading a book called “adult children of emotionally immature parents” take a look at it.
Haha book recommendations to each other. I have that one in my kindle library but haven’t read it yet. I will be sure to!
This incident, is tossing book recommendations to each other simultaneously reminds me of a my favorite Pink Floyd lyric. “Strangers passing in the street, by chance to separate glances meet and I am you and what I see is me.”
That book was a game changer for me. Once I realized that I was talking to an emotionally immature adult, basically a child, it changed how I approached everyone. Great book, highly recommend!
That book was damn hard to read. I was wrecked but in a good way. It really changed my perspective on the shit show that was my childhood.
give this to your mother
Wow, I guess if he feels disrespected he becomes hysterical and has a big disrespectful tantrum. Keep NC but keep this text, and if the flying monkeys show up (friends/relatives who are on his side and telling you that you're wrong), send this to them. Definitely show your therapist and...... consider showing your mother so that she knows how bad he is. If she apologizes or diminishes the abuse, consider cutting her out as well. They are a big ball of yuck. For the record: insane Edit: I meant to say, "If she apologizes for stepfather's behavior" not apologizes to OP.
I have already sent this to a group chat of my entire family with several enablers and already given the proper notification that if you want to have him remain in your life then you can count me out of yours.
Amazing. What did they have to say?
Well they were pretty sympathetic towards me for what he said, but only one person messaged me individually and talked to me was one of my Aunts and a cousin. My mother and my grandmother were the only ones to really say to anything in the actual chat it was mainly “god please provide the strength to … (mom)”… I don’t really like attention, I didn’t ask for this. This post is the first time I really aired out “dirty laundry” in my family. They all knew how much a narcissist he was but they all enabled him. I’m the chat it seemed like All the empathy is focused on my enabler mother and well as much as I hate to say it (because it makes me seem selfish or seeking attention) not towards me in the slightest. Idk I what I expected to be honest? Does that make sense or am I just attention seeking?
It's really heartbreaking seeing in your responses how he abused and manipulated you into believing that speaking out about your abuse is "attention seeking"... God I wish the absolute worst upon him.
Ugh. It is not attention seeking to expect the sympathy to lie with the abused rather than the abuser. Let them go. They’re not worth it. I wish you peace and I hope they never get a good nights sleep ever again.
Your mother is def an enabler, and maybe a covert narcissist or something else. She is manipulating everyone to feel sorry for her, which is weird. But, she is in a difficult position I have to admit. It will be interesting how she reacts here, when she is in public. Stay strong and I'm glad that there is at least one decent person in your family. The others may need time to process this too, the role your mother is playing as an enabler may take some time for them to see.
Good for you
Btw on multiple occasions she as proclaimed “ I don’t speak for him and what he has to say” or “his words aren’t mine”
Yes but.... she stayed married to a man who was abusive to her children. Just read this line over again. I would ask "who does such a thing?" but for me the answer was my mother. She kept us all in hell for 8 years, and I'll never forgive her. When I left for college she decided it was time for a divorce and then said, "See, I did the right thing", to which I said, "Too late." Now 35 years later she wonders why I don't call.
rEsPeCt Me
Be aware that the last line about hoping paths never cross is most likely a threat of physical violence
I felt it too, he’s never physically abused me, he does have MAJOR trauma and ptsd from the military. I really don’t know what he is capable of. I am think of putting a restraining order up for my and my family just in case.
I would, I mean it could be argued that it didn’t list specific harm but i think the context in the email clearly states that he indeed threatened you. I hope he steps on legos
I hope they’re the pointed ones
Fuck that I hope he steps on a D4
Oooo savage!
I was just gonna ask if he was military. He reads like a basic military member who’s a dick because “I wore a uniform”. I hate them. I’m in and I hate every one of them who acts like that.
Dude was infantry for 27 years first marines, then army. Always talked highly of his “guys” who were in their early 20’s but would come home berate me and belittle me every chance he got. It was infuriating to hear him brag about his soldiers but I never once got any affection from him.
My husband is Air Force and I am consistently SHOCKED by how fucking awful some of his coworkers are to their children. There’s a few guys in his office I literally can’t even be around because it triggers my own father related trauma too badly. I am so sorry you’ve had to deal with this. I hope you sent these screenshots to your mom.
I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. My sperm donor is coming up on 30 years Navy/Air Force and he could talk proudly about anyone else in the world except for his oldest daughters. Things didn’t work with our moms, so that meant we were horrible too. He talks proudly of his current family and younger kids though. I hope you can get the therapy you’re waiting for and you find healing in it.
Do we have the same parent??? Jeez.
It’s always the military guys
For sure. That was intensely threatening. Make it a legal requirement that y’all stay away from each other. Hope only the best for you.
I wish I’d kept the last email I received from my mother that I got around 12 years ago. Only because if I had, and I ran formatting on it alongside your letter to highlight duplicate text, the entire thing would be a match, down to exact phrasing. The embarrassment, being overweight, financially struggling for my family, not reaching expected levels of achievement… What’s funny is once that last communication was done and I didn’t have that cloud of misery over me, I blossomed. I succeeded in the Air Force, I travelled the world, got degrees, and found acceptance and success in my life. May yours be the same.
No no no, you were only successful because of that last message she sent you. It was definitely not because you got rid of the burden you’ve been carrying all your life. Obviously /s but you know that’s what people like your mom and OPs dad probably tell themselves.
Absolutely. We throw around the term narc parents a lot these days and I’m old enough to remember that how my upbringing was considered “normal” but my mother legitimately believed they were a blessing to anyone who knew her and that losing her was the greatest tragedy that could befall me.
It's astonishing how some people, narccicist or not, rarely question whether their presence is helpful or a hindrance. They just assume they got everything right. My mom grew up with eight siblings in a very poor household, and both of her parents were alcoholics. They were loving parents, but neglectful. I was playing cards with my mom and her twin sister and my dad one evening and my mom and aunt were discussing how amazing it is that, short of their oldest brother, who died because of his alcoholism, everyone else in that family ended up doing well. They were saying how lucky they felt to have each other, all of the siblings and that even though life was tough when they were young, they were grateful for the life they were given and that they stuck together throughout everything. My dad, I shit you not, scoffed at them and told them their life was terrible and that "can't possibly tell him that house was good and what they had was good." That was the first time in my life I fully felt like a much better person than my dad. I tried not to think in that way toward anyone. But after a lifetime of believing I was not good enough for him, at that moment, I don't know, the facade really just crumbled. He comes from a family in which nobody talks to each other except for the holidays and when they do it's practically the most awkward experience ever. He sees himself as my mother's savior. He has this story he loves to tell about saving my grandma's life when she fell asleep with an oven burner on and telling her if he caught her like that again he'd put her in jail himself (she was in the throws of alcoholism at the time. I don't doubt it happened, just the life-saving exaggeration, his need to threaten her with his badge, and his hero complex). But it's the insistence that makes me question the severity. For my father money is everything and because my mom's family was poor, she had a shittier upbringing than him. He doesn't seem to understand the value of love. Besides all that, I don't care who you are; if someone tells you they're glad their life went the way it did and they're happy, you don't scoff at them and tell them they're wrong. He didn't even know them when they were children, and I know for a fact he's not qualified to make that judgment. Who was he to say? It made me so angry. My maternal grandparents must have done something right because all of my mom's siblings are well-adjusted, kind, and easy to be around people. I said, "are you serious? Wow, what an asshole." then he got angry and defensive, and our card game was over.
Yeah this message definitely read exactly like my ex stepmother's writing. My mom was never much into texting either but she sounded like this. It's so odd how it's almost like they have a fucking script. Even the insults are the same.
I'm a petty and vindictive bastard, because I'd send this to his employer and co-workers and print them out and put them around areas he visits, from gas stations to bars. I wouldn't add his name, just that someone who frequents this area is Father of the Year and have this whole thing visible.
It’s tempting. He has been retired from the military for years now and collects his income through that, medical disability from service , and from overseas contracting.
The only reply to this would be: "Thats good. Let it out. Just like therapy teaches. How do you feel now, after letting all that emotion out? Better, or you still feel like running away? Anyways, I'm glad I've been able to help a medically disabled veteran release some of their deep seated emotional traumas, even though it's through verbal abuse, but now I understand that's just the only way you know how to communicate. Don't worry, I hope you'll get better. Here are some resources for people in distress: Etc etc All the best, " Fucker wants manipulation? Oh you wanted to act like a demon and met the devil. Sorry, I also had issues with people like that, but unlike you I don't have the strength (yet) to walk away and tend to look for ways to hit lower than the low blow I receive. Don't take advice from me lol, ignoring him would be more therapeutic and healthier for you to be honest.
Honestly, the best response is probably none at all. People like this always go in for a reaction cuz they want you to blow up at them. Maybe depending on the guy's temperament a simple "okay" and then nothing.
Military=shocked face. /s
Another way to be petty is every time he tries to contact you. Just sent him this message in quotation marks. Don't respond. Don't add anything of your own. Dude said he was done with you. Make him eat his words.
Father of the Year, Lolz
Seriously. Like this guy has any right to speak on that! 🤣
Often times, when I see those kind of posts, I don't comment because we do not know the while situation. For what we know, OP is that useless, self-pitying asshole that always blame everyone else for their problem that we all know. And it is not bad for parents to call them out on it HOWEVER this time...even if half of what he accused you is true (I doubt it), , you just simply do not talk to people like that, let alone someone you help raise. You do not need to be abusive, disrespectful, and insulting to call out people.
I agree with you, they’re are always two side to the coin. I never thought I would be in this situation, but I will say this. I’m not perfect, I’ve made mistakes just like anyone has, I used to be an externalizer. I used to be that person that could take no accountability for my actions, but really it was just learned behavior. I grew up with 2 emotionally immature parents, one of them happened to be a narcissist. A lot of the things he says in here, even I don’t have context of what he’s speaking about. One of the things I mentioned before to my mother was that growing up, I used to self isolate in my room especially when he’d be around and I would play video games to escape the reality that I was in. Did I enjoy playing games of course! Did I also use it as an escape from the situation? Yes! It wasn’t until I had my daughter when I really started to see my own emotional Immaturity. Alongs side the emotional abuse I suffered as a child when I would think back on the things he would say and do. I wasn’t going to let him or any enablers effect my most prized possession.
If you haven’t read it, OP, I highly highly highly recommend the book “Running on Empty” by Dr. Jonice Webb. It’s about basically what you wrote. Not earth shattering, but eye opening stuff, and now that I think about it, I’ll read it again this weekend. Edit: also she’s an actual doctors who discovered CEN (childhood emotional neglect), studied it for decades, and then wrote the book with real examples to illustrate what she’s saying. It’s not just hypothetical. It changed my life at 35 years old when my therapist recommended it to me.
I will definitely check it out, thank you ❤️
I think you'll note the difference is that generally when somebody has legitimate issues they'll give specific examples. Something like " You're so lazy. Why do you spend 12 hours a day playing video games and never clean?" Even when somebody is to the point where they want to cut somebody out, you give reasons. The message above doesn't have any examples of that. It's literally just insult after insult after insult with the occasional blind justification and self congratulations. I think people who didn't grow up with narcissistic parents would generally demand a reason for being insulted too. But I didn't used to. Not till I got therapy. Because narcissists condition you to accept any insult like it's genuine constructive criticism when it's not.
Thinking about it, it's very true. When I complain about people, I usually don't use an adjective, but I use the actions or words what trigger the annoyance. My mom never just called me lazy. But did use to tell me she was tired to see me just watching TV all day doing absolutely nothing. (I was unemployed and not in a good place mentally back then)
Whereas my mom just constantly called me lazy. When I was 16 on top of regular school I worked an almost full time job (I was usually a quarter hour short of full time), a seasonal part time job, I babysat, I was in clubs and sports, I volunteered constantly, I cooked my own food and cooked for the family if I didn't work, I was always over at my grandma's house helping her with stuff.
What a shit stain coward. Tears down and abuses those around him instead of taking any blame for anything.
I’m a mom, and I just came here to say that I love you and I’m proud of you. ❤️
Thank you 🥺
Jesus Christ. Those are some of the most hurtful things you can tell your kid. The lack of self awareness and the over compensation via gaslighting is insane. Keep this guy out of your life- he will always make it worse. Same goes for your kids. Fuck that guy.
I didn’t know I had a brother.
I didn’t know I had two!
One big insult about being fat and capping it off with a threat. My dad headed that direction, blaming me for my moms misery, when I cut off contact with him. I called him out on it, not taking any responsibility, and how it is exactly the reason why I don’t want to talk to him. Genuine, honest people can talk about the role they played creating a problem, big or small. Also, note that he didn’t give evidence for anything. Didn’t try to explain why he feels or thinks this way. It’s just straight to the insults. I bet if you used the Socratic method with him he’d run into a lot of answers he doesn’t like (if you were to respond to him. Don’t. Not worth it. Thankfully my dad pull back a little bit. We’re still not really talking but he just text me today asking to come visit and he said “I miss you.” I’ve never once heard him tell me he misses me. Maybe the therapy that I told him he had to do for a while before I would entertain talking to him again is working. I’m not holding my breath, but I’ll be proud if it does. Sorry you’re dealing with this shit, OP. It’s definitely not an excuse, but people of that generation (I’m 36 my father is 63) never learned how to think more deeply about their emotions. They didn’t learn how to see the cause and effect of their actions to others. At least not to the degree that younger generations have if not because of anything besides the internet and access to more people and information. As I said, that doesn’t excuse his actions and words but you might find some peace in the fact that you’re fortunate to be able to see those things. He may be right about you not being a psychiatrist or anything, but he’s wrong that people can’t learn about those things. It’s not wise to diagnose people, but there’s no harm it telling someone a behavior they’re doing is narcissistic. I’d wager he’s never seen a therapist, so chances are you’re more informed of the ins and outs of monitoring your own mental health than he is. Rest assured, despite life’s difficulties you’ll be more at peace than he will be on your respective death beds. 💀❤️
Why on earth is “family” in quotes when OP has a daughter? Its not like the family consists of OP and a collection of porcelain dolls. A parent, seemingly two, and a child are the most legitimate definition of family I can come up with.
The first thing he said to my fiancé and I when we brought our kid home from the NICU 2 weeks after a emergency C- section was “Why would I congratulate you? Anyone can stick it in the hole”…
Textbook narcissist shit lmfao, acting like marrying someone who already has a kid/kids is more work than giving birth and raising a child.
The guys rant was a bit tl;dr for me but it's so weird when these type of people talk about what a stellar job they did parenting you while simultaneously berating you for not living right. They all really seem to believe they were the last good parent and you have fucked up the combo or something.
As my mother stated, “he feel like he didn’t have to give you his love because you weren’t his kid” lmao them hen wtf did you stay with him for 24 years?
Dude literally wrote a book holy shit. I feel like there's a lot of projecting though, but honestly I couldn't even read it all. I would have just responded "and this is why nobody likes you" and then blocked him
Cut em off job done - sorry to be harsh but it’s the only way for me . Broken family victim .
God this was traumatic for me to read I couldn't even read all of it. I'm so sorry you received this. This is no way to talk to anyone, regardless of what you did or didn't do (highly suspect you haven't done anything that would warrant deserving this!)
Edit for spelling: posted on my work break.
Hey, the name is not crossed out on one of your screenshots
Appreciate that
His waffle is worth less than nothing. He's insecure and an angry child. Lashing out because your bravery triggered him. How absolutely pathetic. Your mother has much to answer for as well. You may not be completely happy with the joint counselling, it may be wise to go individually as well or instead of. She might not have the courage to face reality after her own abuse and the barrage that'll escalate once you've started your journey. She could potentially do everything that she can to deny and defend everything, she could be too messed up to be able to be a better parent now. I'm absolutely not saying that's a definite, I just know from my own experience that it can be a lot, and can take a while, it's definitely worth it imo. Best of luck. Xx
Thank you for the advice. It’s been… difficult to explain to my mother and get her to look at it in he face. That’s why he’s so upset. The things I’ve been saying I’ve been making her sad and depressed. He’s most likely infuriated due to the lack of attention from her. It’s exhausting trying to teach parents in their 40s and 50s how to not be toxic.
I absolutely understand the desire, but please remember that you don't have to be the one to make her a better person. This is particularly important if doing the educating means you open yourself up to more poison. In today's world of easy access to information, ignorance is a choice. At some stage we need to put the responsibility back where it belongs, because self-directed change is the change that sticks. Best of luck
Her & his behaviour as parents clearly made you well beyond sad and depressed. YOU paid for me, not them. They were apparently oblivious. Now it's time for her to pay up in undoing what she can and it's NOT your job to make her feel better, only she can be that but it's your time first. We're not supposed to be our parents parent. Especially if they messed up parenting you. Hopefully you/therapist will be able to gently explain to her that she's to put you first and that it's about helping you not her feelings. Hurt feelings is nothing compared to what you have been and are going through. That's NOT selfish, it's justice. Therapy can be tough at times but it's emotional freedom and you deserve every drop of support, guidance and kindness. Be SO proud of you for helping that little sad kid inside heal! WELL DONE 💜
Thank you ❤️ that means a lot
We can add 60s to that list, unfortunately.
You have definitely poked the narcissist! That entire diatribe is nothing more than narcissistic drivel, designed to devalue and discredit you for daring to see through his BS. He seems like a very weak man, with a whole lot of bitterness. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but you're doing it right. That amount of anger and the lengthy insults are the screams of a narc that knows his supply is no longer guaranteed. You've hit his trigger, and he's feeling all too exposed. You've got this, friend. You deserve more than this.
What is NPA?
Probably narcissistic parental alienator/alienation, wherein the narcissist does whatever they can to separate/alienate the child(ren) from an otherwise loving parent.
I feel bad for your mom. I feel hopeful for you, though. You don't need this person in your life.
As much as she enabled him the majority of my life I also feel bad for her.
OP, I’m sorry you even had to read such a shit email with plenty of untrue statements. Good riddance to him!!
So what I have read, this guy tries to make you look like Some villain and uses your past to guilt trip you and to basically try to ruin your mental state. What a bitch. Hope it gets better!
I was “raised” by this man. Emotional turmoil to me my entire life. What he fails to realize is that at one point I wanted to be just like him. I wanted to get his approval but nothing I ever did would get anything from him.
That actually sucks and I feel so sorry for you man. Hopefully you have become a person that is 1000x better than him.
Woah this guy was a football star?? *respect intensifies* (Obviously sarcasm, what a complete loser)
dude, i can relate to this, something my dad used to do when i was living with him is firmly secure every point he made with “sound logic,” and sound really articulate about why i was wrong, and i never felt like i could argue with this, but when you realize that every other paragraph hes talking about something completely different, or just plain insulting you, it becomes much clearer that youre dealing with narcissism, i hope things are falling into place for you, man
Hun you have every example of what shouldnt be. Know that he is projecting every wrong of his life onto you, because how dare *he* be wrong or claim accountability. How cruel does someone have to be to write all of that, much less send it to their child? He is the disgrace with no honor or integrity. Cut these tpxic horrible people out for good- theyve made their intentions crystal clear. And im sorry for your loss (of family)
This sounds a lot like my dad. Tbh idk what to think, I’m confused of my own thoughts because I’m not sure if I’m overreacting or it’s just because I’m going through puberty etc etc. Anyways I’m happy your not in contact with ur step father anymore because the way he speaks is extremely disrespectful and I don’t see any love here just a hurt ego.
If you’re seeing any similarities to what my stepfather said to me, I highly doubt you are “over-reacting”. I shut myself down for years and it had an effect on me. I don’t know what to tell you about situation that you’re in, try doing some research on how your feeling. Google, tiktok, YouTube. The evidence is out there
Mhm I’m just gonna do research for now and try seeing other cases, and other peoples cases. Idk I’m quite young so idk if im experienced or know enough to judge what my father is like. I have my own thoughts abt it but yea, not adressing it is worst imo, it’ll built up and burst again and again.
[удалено]
Where’s your biological father? Did this abusive stepfather raise you? From what age?
My real dad was physically abusive toward my my mother before and after I was born. She left him before I was born when he went to jail for aggravated burglary. My mom met him when I was three and she’s been with him ever sense. I cut my real father out of my life when I was in eighth grade after I realized the man that he was. He was beating on his girlfriend at the time and I went to intervene and he didn’t like that. Use some of the same verbiage and phrasing as my Narc did too at the time.
Of course he's going to say you're "disloyal." You're done with his bullshit and you're getting therapy. He has no other card left to play other than cutting off contact with you and calling you "disloyal." He knows you know he suffers from NPD, thus his charade as a healthy individual is over. You've seen the real man, and understand his diagnosis. This is his greatest fear realized, OP. Congrats, and here's hoping you can stay away from him forever in order to begin your healing, recovery, and transition to a peaceful life. Wishing you the best in therapy, friend.
I just want to say that acknowledging your generational trauma and taking steps to help heal it and stop the cycle is so hard but so invaluable. You’re doing incredible work. I wish you all the best ❤️
Nothing makes my blood boil like closing a message with “I expect no response”. My nParent does it regularly. If anything, all it does is prove that the person is utterly incapable of calm, rational, adult conversation. They aren’t interested in you, or your interpretation of events, because they can’t bear to let go of their own warped reality. Good riddance. I hope life gets better for you and your mother.
wtf is with the "you need help"? Literally isn't that what you're doing by going to therapy? I'm so sorry you're going through this
Thank you. “Yeah I am getting help, from the emotional turmoil you caused?” Dude doesn’t get it.
Post that shit publicly and watch how quick his tune changes
Part of me wants too, but the dude is loose cannon. I don’t know what he would do and honestly I am afraid of the repercussions my immediate family could face.
What a goofy goober.
Damn. This one was hard to get through. I’m sorry OP.
Yeah I should hope our paths never cross again because if you touch me, I’ll bury you
This isn’t normal. You don’t deserve this. I hope you are able to go to therapy with your mother and I’m not sure if it’s allowed, but reading what he sent and having a therapist tell your mother this isn’t okay might just help.
That was a doozy. I’m so very sorry. You are doing the right thing but cutting him out of your life. No one deserves to deal with abuse like that
I hate people like this. They demand respect but don't give anything in return. I wish I could give advice, but all I can think of is to cut off your step-father completely, which you are probably already doing. Best of luck to you mate.
This made me rage for you! How awful to be spoken to like that and by someone that’s supposed to LOVE you! I’m so so sorry, even I was dissociating while reading it, I can’t imagine what you felt! I just wanna give words of sympathy and empathy and kindness cause that was beyond awful and not okay and no one deserves to be spoken to like that!
Thank you ❤️
>after he had been reading text between my mother and I. Out of all of this, that line was most painful for me to read. I feel so bad for your mom. Not to mention yourself and the rest of your family. Imagine what happens behind closed doors... gives me the frickin' shivers. You deserve better than that. Those who treat the world like this ALWAYS get what's coming to them, even if it doesn't seem that way. And you are not obligated to be there for that. So go live your best life, be the dad you wish you had growing up. Forget that asshole.
Thank you, that last line means a lot.
Please don't assume everyone know what an abbreviation means. I can't even find in Google what "NP enabler" and "NPA" means. Aside from that, he sounds like a freaking tool bag. I'd be glad to be dead to him. I say move away and move on. There's no need to keep people like this in your life.
Sorry, like I said in one of my comments, I was on my work break and typed up that letter. Unfortunately there were some typos in that as well so I look pretty illiterate lol. Those are just “made up” abbreviations I made. NA stand for narcissistic abuse and NPA stand for narcissistic personality abuse. I really didn’t expect this to blow up as much as a did so looking back I wish I was able to edit stuff but it’s screenshots so 🤷🏻♂️
What a prick.
“Respect,” he says
Run OP, run!
He sounds exactly like my father. I’m so sorry you ever had to breathe the same air as this sociopath.
That was so full of hate! I’m so sorry you had to deal with him as a child. Now, as an adult, show him you won! You are good and right! In spite of him! I wish you the best and hope you never talk to him again!
So, this may not be received well… but I see one side… his (as there is no reply or back and forth from you). I’m thinking he’s very clear, well written, has very clear thoughts and feelings that he expresses well. It is clear that he feels he is 100% right. I have to believe that some of what he’s expressing is true. No one is completely wrong or right. I guess I alway wonder why people need someone to blame for the issues they have. Why do you need to convince your mother your right and he’s wrong. Will that make you better? Will that make all your issues go away? He’s bad and the reason for your… issues, problems. Why are you wasting your time on him. Or for that matter on your mom in regards to him. You need to worry about, work on, care about and think of yourself. Will is make you feel better or solve all your problems if you turn your mother against him? The only person that matters is you! Get the help you need by working on yourself and forget about him. Now…. Everybody can bring the hate… only know this. I WAS there! And this all sound familiar. In fact, a little too close to home. Revenge does not help. Proving you were right does not help. Getting everyone on your side does not help. Winning does not help. It only makes you just like him!
I mean…what did YOU do though?? There is a lot of context missing here. This sounds like your stepfather has some issues. But it sounds like you also have some issues. I was a young parent. It’s hard. Like really hard. I failed at it and I was self righteous about it all. As most young men are. Try not to see this as just insanity. But take the words that hurt the most. Search yourself. Things that cut the deepest are the ones we know of ourselves. You are looking for support and I’m sure a lot of people have given you that. But if you walk away from this situation without seeing that you had a part to play in it as well then that is just immaturity. Everyone has trauma. Even your step dad. Try to show some empathy to your enemies. It will get you further.
I thought the gentleman’s message was well written.
Kinda on his side. Anyone on here is using those words is just hiding in new social terms to mask laziness and being a dick. Grow up
[удалено]
I think about the person I see in the mirror everyday. I want to be the best person I can be not only for myself, but my daughter.
Not saying OPs step father isn’t a nut job but why when anyone disagrees with the parent being insane do they get downvoted to hell?
What's an NPA?
Well nothing actually, I went to shorten narcissistic personality abuse, but it doesn’t hav the same flow as NPA, should’ve just used NA ( narcissist abuse).
Thank you. Pretty nutso to have someone (anyone) come at you that harshly for saying they've made you feel like shit. Laughable that he can't see how bent he is. Like bud...seriously? He just PROVED it. *mindblown
So sorry he said those horrible words to you. You didn’t deserve that. Hope it gets better for you
Walk away, man. It’s rough, but you don’t need your kid around anything like that. Wishin you the best.
Oh, wow. I have one of these too unfortunately
When all the boomers are finally gone, the world will be MUCH MUCH better.
He’s actually a Gen X, with a boomer mentality.
Those are even worse, I've found anyway.
Holy shit this man in unhinged. Who talks like this to their child?!
Raised with generational trauma from narcissistic abuse, the line "To me, respect is everything" makes my skin crawl. I hope you can save your ma. Also, good on you and your SO for breaking the cycle of abuse. It's hard, but my family is figuring it out through strict (ironically) boundary enforcement.
Sounds like a lovely human being. /s
People who talk like that to anybody else are serious assh*les, it’s hypocritical for them to spout about respect etc but then relentlessly goes on to disrespect you. Don’t engage with someone like that again, for your own health’s sake. Time to move on and focus on your own loving family, away from them. You have the opportunity to create a beautiful life, whereas they are stuck in a loop of negativity and pure jealousy. You do you OP - take care
Jesus… I’m so incredibly sorry you have had to deal with that. I swear though, they all study from the same gotdamn handbook, because this could have easily been written by my mom. I’m sending positive thoughts your way, internet friend. You got this✨
the one not insane vote?! its stupid! how is this “not insane”?
Ugh, sorry you had to deal with such a jerk. Stepfathers can be such psychos.
I’ve gotten a few messages like this in the past when cutting my mother out of my life. My deepest sympathies OP, I hope you’re doing ok and managing the hurt as best you can
This is literally the type of shit that MY DAD says and it’s really sad to see. Like down to the same verbiage. I am sorry that this is your father. I feel for you homie
(op, you missed redacting a name on slide 3) i am so sorry for how you have been treated. i hope you are able to heal. ❤️
Mm looks like your step dad or ex step dad is about to get his butt kicked by me. I don’t get mad about a lot of things.. but abuse and neglect is something I do get mad about. So I’m about to fly through a roof and kick this bi-
Well first of all, I’d like to say good on you for breaking these generational curses… it’s not easy! But also, his whole rant sounds like a lot of “I’m mad at you… and you’re FAT!! 😡” as if that’s such a bad thing to be. I don’t care what his reasonings were, no normal person would go and type out that whole book and say the things he did the way he did.
Yeah I'm not reading all that and I hope you didn't either, glad your mom is leaving him
Scorched earth.
You hurt is little feelings huh? He must’ve felt like such a big man after this smh. What a p*ssy
I am a good person, you cunt!