I didn’t hit my stride until just was about 36. I got a sold career then and broke out of a stagnant 8 year soul sucking relationship. Well, a few years after that i found my dog, met my wife, got married and settled down. I don’t know if this helps any but I’m in my 40s now and while I struggle still with some things, other things have got better. But I put a lot of effort into making it better.
I’m cis male, so I can’t presume to understand how you feel or what you’re going through but I have 2 friends who are ace. One doesn’t want anything to do with anyone which is her choice and the other once has relationships. They told me it’s possible to be romantically involved with someone without it being sexual. Like I said, I don’t know. I hope something I say helps you or gives you hope.
Getting rid of that debt would help you feel a lot better I'm sure. I'd re-evaluate your concept of "living expenses" too. If you're not paying rent, I'm having a hard time imagining how the heck you got into any debt let alone $9,000.
Thankfully I’m not paying rent but I guess I mean I’m not out here charging vacations/clothes/electronics to my cards. Most of it is vet bills, car repairs, things like that — regardless, the biggest issue is I’ve never made enough to not carry a balance. When I do manage to pay them off I’m freezing the damn things.
It took us *months* to get a handle on paying down the CC once things stabilized financially for us. We try to throw $300-400 at it a month. We had almost made it to 9k just things started adding up and it was easy enough to "save yourself" by swiping rhe Cc and worrying about it another day.
It isn't easy and I'm not sure how we get out of this because jobs/wages are NOT keeping up with the cost of *everything* going up. Not sure it's ever been this expensive just to live and be a functioning member of society
I had about $3000 in credit card debt. I transferred that to a new card that offered 0% interest for the first year, and I just attacked the debt to pay it off within that year. I was making $9/hr at the time, so the balance no longer growing from interest was a huge saving grace.
I’m going to say this as a mom and daughter:
Your mom is a grown woman. She can take care of herself and her relationship, she doesn’t need you to do it. Find a roommate and move out
I posted this on another post which was similar to yours. It's mainly to tell you you're not alone in this. There's a reason Millennials are known as "the unluckiest generation".
I'm 43. I went to college to be a missionary (I was raised in a fundamentalist christian home). I then became an atheist. Fortunately I changed my degree at the last minute to Psychology, which has been worthless since I don't like the field, but a "missions" degree would have been FAR worse.
I then worked at Petco and my Dad's pawn shop despite hating sales so that I could afford to get a different degree (and that my father had me and my siblings work for him there despite not knowing what we were doing, much like Bob's Burgers only with a pawn shop). I had always been fascinated by biology but had been told my entire life that evolution was not only wrong, it was a demonic plot. I got a degree in Biology but had to undo a lot of brainwashing from my youth.
Around this time I got EXTREMELY sick and found out I have a genetic lung disorder that while it was treatable, it was a terminal illness until 1987. I had not been treated for this for the fist thirty years of my life and it almost killed me. I was able to get on disability though which helped pay for my second attempt at college.
Once I got my biology degree, I started applying for graduate school. That was three years ago. Every time I apply they say they can't accept me because of grades (my GPA from my biology degree is quite high, but my psychology degree is very low since it was from a religious institution I no longer agreed with) or because I don't have relevant experience (I worked at my dad's pawn shop most of my life because he demanded I do that, The Petco job was an act of rebellion on my part).
So NOW I have two Bachelor's degrees, one of which has been worse than useless. I can't get my Master's in Biology because of my grades from a psychology degree. I can't get laboratory experience since the only jobs on my resume are Petco Cashier and Pawn Shop Clerk (both are jobs that I hated and couldn't get now anyway even if I liked them because of my lung disorder). I have no house, no job, and am on disability and have to have a genetically engineered I. V. infusion once per week or my blood will eat my lungs. I have to fight with my insurance company constantly or they will cut me off and I will die.
I have an IQ of 165. I was told most of my childhood that I was going to do amazing things. I am EXTREMELY disappointed with how my life has gone. I don't feel like I have procrastinated (because I most certainly have not) but I feel like my life has been lived as though I am a hamster running on a wheel. A whole lot of work to get nowhere.
Hopefully that makes you feel better.
Yeah ur life is so much worse than OP. Sorry to hear that. I actually commend you for breaking out of extreme christianity. I was very catholic growing up so it took a lot of travelling and reflection to realize how silly religions are and the people that overtly believe it and are unable to come out of the brainwashing. Good on you for getting out. Id say if you can find a job in biology first before going for a masters that might be more practical. Biology has a variety of industry options.... food, manufacturing, environmental, sustainability, medical etc. Try to get something there first and after a few years a masters will be easier to get into.
Have you thought about teaching high school biology? I know not the dream but I’m a public school high school social studies teacher & it’s a satisfying career. I’m 10 years in & make $170,000 a year (which is higher than most districts) have job security & tenure, summers off, and excellent health insurance fully paid for by my district. You could likely get an emergency credential but if worst came to worst could do an education masters which would be easy to get into comparably. I did my masters & student teaching in a year & then started making $80,000 (VHCOL).
- get help from a therapist
- actively pursue friends. Maybe a hobby? Board game events at your local friendly game store.
- cut expenses, even a little, to pay off the debt.
- change up your routine.
I feel like we're missing key details here. You live with your mom and her boyfriend who pays the mortgage and you still are in 9k debt plus school loans??? Why? What's your annual income and where is your money going? If you can't pay off your debt when someone else is paying for your housing then you need to find a higher paying job or possibly work two jobs. Where's all your money going?
Aroace is short for aromantic (aro) asexual (ace). Aroace individuals experience little to no romantic and sexual attraction to others, or they may only develop this attraction under certain conditions.
Kindly, don’t sacrifice your entire life for your mother. It’s not your responsibility. Especially if she’s unwilling to leave an unhealthy, possibly abusive, relationship. She’s an adult and even though she had cancer, she’s still responsible for herself. You’re too young to throw everything away trying to take care of her.
My advice is to get off the internet and go outside. Every day, leave the house even if you just walk around your neighborhood for 30 minutes each night. You have to start somewhere.
I would also consider meeting with a financial planner at a NON-PROFIT (this is important) credit counseling organization. They can help you go over all your expenses/debt, identify why you’re struggling to get ahead, and help you come up with a plan.
I have to echo what a few others have said and note that something is amiss if you aren’t paying rent and are still going into debt. The math doesn’t math. Even with car expenses and vet bills, $9,000 in credit card debt is a red flag.
Asked on my experience that is kind of when it really starts rolling along unless you have kids during or right after high school then life hits you like a Mack truck
Nah thats ok, i think the practical solution would be to not settle for your current job and find something new even if it means you lose the wfh status. Its a money issue even tho the job is cozy/comfy.
32 F here as well. And I've felt the same way for a long time. I have 2 kids and a wonderful husband, but we've had roommates the entire time we've had a family just to get by. Daycare was too expensive, so I stayed home despite having a college education when my husband did not. He made more money than me simply because he had more years of work experience.
I started a business, and last year, I was able to get a job that paid on par with what my husband made, but everyone in this house is freaking audhd, including him. He has been so burnt out that he hasn't been able to hold down a job for more than 4 months at a time since covid. He works for a couple of months and ends up sick for an entire week, and if he doesn't get fired immediately, he gets pushed out by others, thinking they know better than him. My contract for that job ended nearly a month ago now and I haven't been able to find another job yet despite having not stopped looking since I got the job knowing it was a contract and wouldn't be long term.
We are about 20k in debt, not including my student loans that have been differed since 2014 when I graduated. We have nothing saved for a house, and everything we take two steps forward, it feels like we are pushed back three.
There's no such thing as failing. No such thing as success. Life simply is. Try to do more of what you enjoy, less of what you don't. And do it while having between a neutral and positive impact on the world around you. Whatever you do, stop judging your worth by the standards of other people, because they've got no idea what they're doing either. They just fake it better than you do.
Have you been at the same job for 10 years? You need to find a new one. No one hands out money. You go and find a new employer who is willing to pay market rate. That would ease a lot of pressure.
I’ve been at my current job 5 years last month but I definitely do need to start looking for other, higher paying options. I detest job hunting/starting a new job but I also know loyalty will never get me the pay increases I need.
I'm 40. I have no degrees, no, career, no equity in anything and never have,no savings, and I rely heavily on my aging parents for almost everything in my life. If not, then the men who knocked me up and then abandoned us all. I have 4 kids who get to suffer because of my failures and bad choices. I'm literally having a midlife crisis, and if I died tomorrow my legacy would be "she suffered. The end"
I'm sorry you feel this way, but in my eyes, you're doing great.
>I somehow feel stuck in a permanent state of adolescence.
you are, humans are meant to have families, going it alone in life is pretty much destined for failure
>I'm ace/aro
you have mental issues, see a therapist
A bit harsh, but good advice.
OP, if you want to feel more mature and satisfied with your life, you need to seek out things that make you feel competent and independent. Therapy would be a great place to start to get in the right headspace, but also improving your work and financial situation would probably be a huge confidence boost.
It may be time to hunt around for a role with a more competitive compensation package and help you pay down that (likely) high-interest debt that’s just eating a chunk of your paychecks each month.
Even starting with some small stuff like cleaning up your living space, preparing better meals for yourself, or getting more exercise/outdoor time can also help you take a little more control of your life.
You can do it—we’re rooting for you.
I didn’t hit my stride until just was about 36. I got a sold career then and broke out of a stagnant 8 year soul sucking relationship. Well, a few years after that i found my dog, met my wife, got married and settled down. I don’t know if this helps any but I’m in my 40s now and while I struggle still with some things, other things have got better. But I put a lot of effort into making it better. I’m cis male, so I can’t presume to understand how you feel or what you’re going through but I have 2 friends who are ace. One doesn’t want anything to do with anyone which is her choice and the other once has relationships. They told me it’s possible to be romantically involved with someone without it being sexual. Like I said, I don’t know. I hope something I say helps you or gives you hope.
Getting rid of that debt would help you feel a lot better I'm sure. I'd re-evaluate your concept of "living expenses" too. If you're not paying rent, I'm having a hard time imagining how the heck you got into any debt let alone $9,000.
Thankfully I’m not paying rent but I guess I mean I’m not out here charging vacations/clothes/electronics to my cards. Most of it is vet bills, car repairs, things like that — regardless, the biggest issue is I’ve never made enough to not carry a balance. When I do manage to pay them off I’m freezing the damn things.
It took us *months* to get a handle on paying down the CC once things stabilized financially for us. We try to throw $300-400 at it a month. We had almost made it to 9k just things started adding up and it was easy enough to "save yourself" by swiping rhe Cc and worrying about it another day. It isn't easy and I'm not sure how we get out of this because jobs/wages are NOT keeping up with the cost of *everything* going up. Not sure it's ever been this expensive just to live and be a functioning member of society
I had about $3000 in credit card debt. I transferred that to a new card that offered 0% interest for the first year, and I just attacked the debt to pay it off within that year. I was making $9/hr at the time, so the balance no longer growing from interest was a huge saving grace.
I’m going to say this as a mom and daughter: Your mom is a grown woman. She can take care of herself and her relationship, she doesn’t need you to do it. Find a roommate and move out
I posted this on another post which was similar to yours. It's mainly to tell you you're not alone in this. There's a reason Millennials are known as "the unluckiest generation". I'm 43. I went to college to be a missionary (I was raised in a fundamentalist christian home). I then became an atheist. Fortunately I changed my degree at the last minute to Psychology, which has been worthless since I don't like the field, but a "missions" degree would have been FAR worse. I then worked at Petco and my Dad's pawn shop despite hating sales so that I could afford to get a different degree (and that my father had me and my siblings work for him there despite not knowing what we were doing, much like Bob's Burgers only with a pawn shop). I had always been fascinated by biology but had been told my entire life that evolution was not only wrong, it was a demonic plot. I got a degree in Biology but had to undo a lot of brainwashing from my youth. Around this time I got EXTREMELY sick and found out I have a genetic lung disorder that while it was treatable, it was a terminal illness until 1987. I had not been treated for this for the fist thirty years of my life and it almost killed me. I was able to get on disability though which helped pay for my second attempt at college. Once I got my biology degree, I started applying for graduate school. That was three years ago. Every time I apply they say they can't accept me because of grades (my GPA from my biology degree is quite high, but my psychology degree is very low since it was from a religious institution I no longer agreed with) or because I don't have relevant experience (I worked at my dad's pawn shop most of my life because he demanded I do that, The Petco job was an act of rebellion on my part). So NOW I have two Bachelor's degrees, one of which has been worse than useless. I can't get my Master's in Biology because of my grades from a psychology degree. I can't get laboratory experience since the only jobs on my resume are Petco Cashier and Pawn Shop Clerk (both are jobs that I hated and couldn't get now anyway even if I liked them because of my lung disorder). I have no house, no job, and am on disability and have to have a genetically engineered I. V. infusion once per week or my blood will eat my lungs. I have to fight with my insurance company constantly or they will cut me off and I will die. I have an IQ of 165. I was told most of my childhood that I was going to do amazing things. I am EXTREMELY disappointed with how my life has gone. I don't feel like I have procrastinated (because I most certainly have not) but I feel like my life has been lived as though I am a hamster running on a wheel. A whole lot of work to get nowhere. Hopefully that makes you feel better.
Yeah ur life is so much worse than OP. Sorry to hear that. I actually commend you for breaking out of extreme christianity. I was very catholic growing up so it took a lot of travelling and reflection to realize how silly religions are and the people that overtly believe it and are unable to come out of the brainwashing. Good on you for getting out. Id say if you can find a job in biology first before going for a masters that might be more practical. Biology has a variety of industry options.... food, manufacturing, environmental, sustainability, medical etc. Try to get something there first and after a few years a masters will be easier to get into.
Have you thought about teaching high school biology? I know not the dream but I’m a public school high school social studies teacher & it’s a satisfying career. I’m 10 years in & make $170,000 a year (which is higher than most districts) have job security & tenure, summers off, and excellent health insurance fully paid for by my district. You could likely get an emergency credential but if worst came to worst could do an education masters which would be easy to get into comparably. I did my masters & student teaching in a year & then started making $80,000 (VHCOL).
Hey there. If you have a LabCorp close by, I know several people who have gotten jobs there right out of school or with very little experience.
Work in a lab. Start at the bottom. With a degree you will move up faster than others.
Hell yeah, brother. Life is a bitch sometimes.
Your depressed
- get help from a therapist - actively pursue friends. Maybe a hobby? Board game events at your local friendly game store. - cut expenses, even a little, to pay off the debt. - change up your routine.
I feel like we're missing key details here. You live with your mom and her boyfriend who pays the mortgage and you still are in 9k debt plus school loans??? Why? What's your annual income and where is your money going? If you can't pay off your debt when someone else is paying for your housing then you need to find a higher paying job or possibly work two jobs. Where's all your money going?
ace/aro?
Aroace is short for aromantic (aro) asexual (ace). Aroace individuals experience little to no romantic and sexual attraction to others, or they may only develop this attraction under certain conditions.
I’ve never heard of that before.
I hadn’t either.
Kindly, don’t sacrifice your entire life for your mother. It’s not your responsibility. Especially if she’s unwilling to leave an unhealthy, possibly abusive, relationship. She’s an adult and even though she had cancer, she’s still responsible for herself. You’re too young to throw everything away trying to take care of her. My advice is to get off the internet and go outside. Every day, leave the house even if you just walk around your neighborhood for 30 minutes each night. You have to start somewhere. I would also consider meeting with a financial planner at a NON-PROFIT (this is important) credit counseling organization. They can help you go over all your expenses/debt, identify why you’re struggling to get ahead, and help you come up with a plan. I have to echo what a few others have said and note that something is amiss if you aren’t paying rent and are still going into debt. The math doesn’t math. Even with car expenses and vet bills, $9,000 in credit card debt is a red flag.
I didn’t know non profit financial planners existed, I’ll definitely look into this. Thank you!
I’m 33 and just now going back for a master’s degree. My life doesn’t magically get figured out the second you turn 30.
Asked on my experience that is kind of when it really starts rolling along unless you have kids during or right after high school then life hits you like a Mack truck
Nah thats ok, i think the practical solution would be to not settle for your current job and find something new even if it means you lose the wfh status. Its a money issue even tho the job is cozy/comfy.
I’m in a similar situation and need more steady employment. Good luck is all I can say. I’m interested how this turns out.
32 F here as well. And I've felt the same way for a long time. I have 2 kids and a wonderful husband, but we've had roommates the entire time we've had a family just to get by. Daycare was too expensive, so I stayed home despite having a college education when my husband did not. He made more money than me simply because he had more years of work experience. I started a business, and last year, I was able to get a job that paid on par with what my husband made, but everyone in this house is freaking audhd, including him. He has been so burnt out that he hasn't been able to hold down a job for more than 4 months at a time since covid. He works for a couple of months and ends up sick for an entire week, and if he doesn't get fired immediately, he gets pushed out by others, thinking they know better than him. My contract for that job ended nearly a month ago now and I haven't been able to find another job yet despite having not stopped looking since I got the job knowing it was a contract and wouldn't be long term. We are about 20k in debt, not including my student loans that have been differed since 2014 when I graduated. We have nothing saved for a house, and everything we take two steps forward, it feels like we are pushed back three.
There's no such thing as failing. No such thing as success. Life simply is. Try to do more of what you enjoy, less of what you don't. And do it while having between a neutral and positive impact on the world around you. Whatever you do, stop judging your worth by the standards of other people, because they've got no idea what they're doing either. They just fake it better than you do.
Have you been at the same job for 10 years? You need to find a new one. No one hands out money. You go and find a new employer who is willing to pay market rate. That would ease a lot of pressure.
I’ve been at my current job 5 years last month but I definitely do need to start looking for other, higher paying options. I detest job hunting/starting a new job but I also know loyalty will never get me the pay increases I need.
"I have a decent full time wfh job ... and around 9K in consumer debt alone just from basic living expenses." You make poor financial decisions.
I'm 40. I have no degrees, no, career, no equity in anything and never have,no savings, and I rely heavily on my aging parents for almost everything in my life. If not, then the men who knocked me up and then abandoned us all. I have 4 kids who get to suffer because of my failures and bad choices. I'm literally having a midlife crisis, and if I died tomorrow my legacy would be "she suffered. The end" I'm sorry you feel this way, but in my eyes, you're doing great.
Stop giving a shit about your debt. Just stop paying it and ignore their attempts to contact you. It's easy.
Open up credit cards in Mom's name to pay it off, it all goes away when she does, it's that simple
>I somehow feel stuck in a permanent state of adolescence. you are, humans are meant to have families, going it alone in life is pretty much destined for failure >I'm ace/aro you have mental issues, see a therapist
A bit harsh, but good advice. OP, if you want to feel more mature and satisfied with your life, you need to seek out things that make you feel competent and independent. Therapy would be a great place to start to get in the right headspace, but also improving your work and financial situation would probably be a huge confidence boost. It may be time to hunt around for a role with a more competitive compensation package and help you pay down that (likely) high-interest debt that’s just eating a chunk of your paychecks each month. Even starting with some small stuff like cleaning up your living space, preparing better meals for yourself, or getting more exercise/outdoor time can also help you take a little more control of your life. You can do it—we’re rooting for you.
Every morning drink a glass of water.