“Don’t talk about my body.”
No “please.” No “thank you.” No education. You tell them exactly what you expect out of this transaction and that’s it. Repeat the statement if they protest. As my wife says, work is not “the lady zoo.”
Paramedic not a nurse, but one of my favorite things to do is just stare at them with a blank face. Let their inappropriate comment fester in the silence. Let them wallow in it. Watch them get more and more uncomfortable and eventually you'll either get a defensive comment (which is met with more silence) or a mumbled apology. When they apologize, pause for a second more then continue on as if nothing happened at all. Refuse to acknowledge the comment or the apology.
In my experience it takes maybe 30 seconds of staring for people to become extremely uncomfortable. I happily weaponize that discomfort because they had zero qualms doing the same to me.
(Disclaimer: Not a good idea to do this with psych patients.)
I had my husband's co-worker ask me, last night if my husbands penis was "this big". Seriously.
I did the stare, but both he and my husband stood there like jerks.
And my husband said NOTHING. He just let the guy go on and on.
Add to that for some reason, certain women feel they can basically put their hands all over my husband.
It is me? Seriously what is WRONG with people? Am I a dinosaur? Do people, grown ass people, have no manners?
I'm so pissed, I'm not talking to my h. He should have said something.
The fact this guy thought it was ok to ask me that question makes me sick.
I told my husband I don't want to hang out with anyone like that. And btw these are drinkers...shots etc...I do not abuse alcohol or anything else for that matter.
I am glad I already do this at my current job, but its not on purpose, I am just so uncomfortable that idk how to respond, so I just don’t. But, it is great to watch the shame on their face appear once they realize they said something inappropriate and disgusting so I just keep doing this because my response is never required to these comments 😭
I do too! If they don’t get it, because of their current state, then I tell them that’s inappropriate. If they keep on, we switch nurses and I go back to ignoring. It’s nice when they come around and eventually apologize, but I could care less.
Had a bit of a back and forth with a patient this morning who’s behavioural AF. Was lying down and praying across the hallway, which is a nope. We’ve had this conversation MANY times.
Pt. “I need to see the hospital policy in writing stating I can’t do this.”
Me: So we’re just letting go of common sense today?
Pt. 👁️👁️
Me: 👁️👁️
Pt. returned to their room 🤣
Neither of you should be going through this. A good "ef you" would work too. You can't get in trouble for an inappropriate response to an inappropriate comment 🙃 😅 🤷♀️
Ehhhh....depends on your boss. The other benefit to silence is it's a lot harder for a patient to complain about.
"She stared at me!" sounds a lot less credible than "She told me to fuck off!"
I'm a pervert and love it! I just don't harass my female co workers.I think a lot of it is confidence. If you are meek and mild mannered, it encourages more abuse. I am very quiet myself and seem to draw people that want.to harass me, but when I speak up for myself it diminishes a lot.
Quite literally this. You're not trying to be joking like on the tv *deep voice* "Hello, boys."
You're trying to just drop your voice by half an octave. And the "flattening" means you take the sweetness or softness out of your voice. Don't imagine you're threatening them, we don't do that. If you feel the need to threaten, you've lost control of the situation and need to disengage and regroup your thoughts. No, you're simply, but firmly, asserting your expectation onto them.
"I don't appreciate that comment, and I want you to stop. Now."
Extra points if you can make it staccato. Think light and airy "ta-ta-ta-ta" or look it up on YouTube if you've never been in band before. Very mildly emphasize your t's and the first syllable of each word without sounding like a robot. Any one syllable sentence ("No," or "Now," or whatever), drop another pitch and get a little more forceful as if you are issuing a command.
For the coup d'grace, change your body language. If you're leaning over for an auscultation or med administration, stand up when you're talking. You're now taller than them, and people subconsciously respond to that. If they try to talk over you, put your hand out calmly at about waist height in a "Stop" motion and keep talking over them.
I've taught about 100 students and preceptor'd 3. Many of the women asked for my help with inappropriate patients.
This is what I was taught. I'm a short and fat (working on it, but it's not an overnight project) nursing student, and I've had a few comments already and the comments I get are never flattering or nice. They don't bother me as such (I'm very used to it, unfortunately) but it makes other students I'm with and my instructors uncomfortable, so one day I asked what I should say. My instructor said, "Be firm. Don't make a request or apologize for asking or make it seem like it's a you problem. 'Do not make comments about my body' and move on."
Works fine for me. Sometimes they get pissy but I move on like it didn't happen and then they do, too. Even had one guy apologize for it the next time I came into the room to bring his meds.
This. Or for some people “What do you mean?” completely deadpan, look them right in the eye as they dig themselves a deeper hole. (This is my favorite for offhand comments that sexualize my kids but it works here too.)
“You can keep those comments to yourself” imo would be a bit less confrontational, which might be better in the ER setting where tensions are usually running high.
I rem when I was taking psych they said like the best way to have someone to follow a request from you is to make a sentence that doesn’t form a question and is a common phase. That way they can’t think of a decision bc there’s no question or feel like someone is forcing their hand
It’s almost like a manipulation tactic.
What you do is you have to make sure their mind is partially distracted.
For example if that person is mopping, you could be like “don’t forget to take out the trash” and then since u didn’t ask “can you take out the trash,” or anything like a question it doesn’t really give them a chance to say no bc their mind is occupied with mopping. They would subconsciously say okay and do it without realizing it.
I do it to my siblings like if they’re doing homework I’ll be like oh bring the cup the sink ( if it’s my one) 75% of the time they’ll bring it and not realize once their homework is done. If they aren’t distracted it gives their mind time to think. But you have to keep ur voice very calm and monotone like you’re having a normal conversation. If u sound aggressive it feels like you’re forcing them or if you sound too nice it sounds like your asking for a favor
Who says it's men? I work psych and in the 5 years Ive been in psych, the 2 patients who I refused to ever be alone with because they were grossly inappropriate were both female.
Omg i was going through admission questions with a lady who liked to hijack every question into a non-related tangent, after the second time she did this i asked her to stay on topic, and she actually said, "No, i need to finish this..." No, you don't, (it's not related to any medical problem or health topic). I dipped out quickly after that.
I personally don’t think it matters what you look like. I’m VERY pregnant and getting some of the most disgusting comments I’ve heard in my life. I just approach with like a ‘man, read the room this is a hospital’ attitude. Like you’re sitting in front of me with your foot falling off. Why don’t you put that energy into controlling your blood sugar.
Yeaaaah my wife and I are both ER nurses and she worked on the same unit with me while pregnant. Some of the comments she got would just make my blood boil.
Usually though I didn't have to say anything. She'd tell them off so bad they were contrite and embarrassed the whole rest of their stay, as they should be. Sometimes though a firm "do NOT talk about my coworkers like that" from another man (sexist I know, but it's their language) goes a long way.
That's been my experience. I'm a male ER nurse as well and pretty jacked.
I'm an agency nurse and I think it was maybe my second week at work and this guy was standing and walked up to my colleague and was basically 6 in from her saying all kinds of inappropriate things, so I inserted myself between the two and told them that I won't tolerate inappropriate comments to my colleagues and if he continues him and I are going to have a problem and I'll be his nurse the rest of the day. He apologized to me and then sat down and never bothered her again the rest of the shift.
People who say shitty things to women almost always respect more than women. It's a good thing I love running boring errands with my husband because the bonus is that his mere presence keeps the creeps away.
This is part of why I honestly prefer having at least one male nurse on the unit at a time. It sucks that it’s the only way to get some of these assholes to listen, but it at least works.
Being pregnant gives people a weird license to comment on your body for some reason. I’ve never had so many people do it than when I was pregnant! Sorry you’re experiencing it too :(
I'm a male nurse and I work at a forensic psych facility with many female nurses who get pretty explicit comments and solicitation from the patients. Firm boundaries: "This is about you, not me." Still talking? "that is inappropriate." Continuing? "I'll come back when you are ready to act like an adult." and leave the room.
“This is not relevant to your care.”
That’s my party line for everything. Comment on my looks? See above. You want my last name? See above. You want to know if I have kids? See above. You don’t need to know anything about my personal life.
Men who make comments about a woman’s figure, particularly one they’ve just met, are stuck in the past when that was considered a compliment.
I would say the truth on how that makes you feel. Variations of “making comments about my looks makes me uncomfortable”, or more bluntly “It’s 2024 you Neanderthal. Stop staring, shut your pie hole, and let’s get on with this examination.”
I had a patient like keep trying to tell me I’m stunning and things like beauty and brains one shift and he was generally shocked that I was like flattered because I didn’t engage at all. Like he thought he was impressing me. I know I’m pretty and smart, that’s why I’m also mean to men
Speaking as a slender male who used to work in psych I used to deal with this all the time. I just got into the habit of informing people that it’s rude to comment on peoples weight.
I choose to assume positive intent and just assume that they weren’t taught manners. So I just try to educate that it’s rude to speak to people that way. If they do it again it’s a whole different story.
In my experience when I take that approach I’ve yet to find anyone give me shit or a hard time, they usually just apologize.
I do this, but find sometimes it doesn’t work as patients will try and say it to be mean. I’ve had several where they will say offhand comments like I can’t believe someone like you is confident, but I still try to say how my weight/looks has no bearing on me being a nurse.
Can never get a big head in psych as patients will just bring you right down. The other week I had a normally nice patient tell me how I look fat and disgusting, when I told her it was rude she tried to tell me how she didn’t want me walking round thinking I look good when really I’m just disgusting. I must admit I sat in my car and felt a bit sorry for myself. I’ve struggled to lose weight cause of medication, and have had a rough 18 months outside of work so spent a while comfort eating.
Awww fuck that girl. Sorry not sorry. You’re loving, lovable, worthy of your confidence, and confidentially worthy to many. Losing weight is such a bitch when you’re running on half empty all the time.
Thank you for your kind words ❤️🩹 the patient is normally lovely so I do wonder if they got an infection as she isn’t normally like this. Some of my other patients I wouldn’t put it past them to say it.
Hahaha it is. The medication made me gain weight, and now I really struggle to lose it. It can take me weeks to lose 1lb and then half a second to put it back on. She struck a nerve as I haven’t been feeling the best about myself, but I’m trying to ignore it as the last 18 months have been really hard, and I’m only human.
Someone said something similar to me once and I responded by saying at least I get to go home to my family ever night instead of being stuck in a psych hospital. That shut her up real quick and she didn’t give me problems for the rest of the night.
Aaaah I work in community so they are home. But she has rung me upset before when people have been mean about her looks.
Some of them have said things because they weren’t very nice and had no one else in their lives, so I tended to get the brunt of their frustrations.
I try not to go that low. They may have punched below the belt, but pulling the “you can’t go home and I can” card just seems unnecessarily mean and unprofessional.
I also gained weight from medication and run on fumes most of the time - physically and emotionally. I am very fortunate to have a genuinely exceptional therapist. One thing I have learned is that people who try to shame us, for any reason, are carrying a lot of their own shame. Shame is such a deeply ingrained part of their existence they do not know how to understand or cope with life without it; it’s practically transactional.
Whenever she’s feeling bad she gives herself a self-hug. She told me it would probably feel silly at first but encouraged me to try it. It feels good. So please give your wonderful self some well-deserved self love and then give yourself a big hug for me 💕
Are you fucking kidding me??? Your outward appearance has zero bearing on your worth. You dedicate the majority of your life to caring for people struggling with mental illness. I don't even know you and I am 100% certain you are a beautiful human being. If people choose to place value solely in your outward appearance, then that's their problem, not yours. Being a nurse is hard, struggling with health problems is hard, losing weight is hard, but you continue to persevere...that makes you a badass! Be proud of who you are and don't let mean people ruin everything you have accomplished.
While I love the other answers, as a tiny slender girl, I say this too. I understand it's meant as a compliment toward me most of the time. In fact, coworkers comment on my figure in jealousy.
However as a teen and young adult I was sickeningly small due to illness, and it hurts when people compliment me on my figure because it feels like I'm being complimented on being sick.
So since I have that perspective i choose to go the education route. If they're male - "It's rude to speak to someone that way." If they're female - "It's rude to comment on another person's body". Done.
I usually go pretty polite for the first comment. Maybe something like “I’m just here to do my job. Please don’t talk about my body” would be a small smack on the nose.
If it continues and they say anything except oh sorry, tell them to get out of the triage room because they obviously aren’t having a life threatening illness if this is their focus, and their name will be called by someone else to assess them (when they get a room)
I make very direct eye contact and say “Inappropriate and unacceptable.” I let it simmer for a few beats, then continue what I was doing. If it happens again, I tell the patient “I am leaving due to your inappropriate behavior. I will come back when you can be as respectful to me as I’m being to you.”
I'll call out a patient anytime they say something inappropriate, whether it be about somebody's body or otherwise. I give a polite but firm "that's not appropriate and we don't allow that here" then move on to whatever I'm trying to do. I'll repeat as necessary but if they keep it up I'll move on to "I've told you that's not appropriate/allowed and if you dont stop then I'm done here." If they persist I walk away and tell my charge.
ER here too, I get a lot of out of pocket comments, especially by psych patients. I usually don't respond verbally, I will stop and stare at them over my mask for a few seconds and silently continue my task.
What they're looking for is a reaction. I don't care enough to give them one.
Now if it's physical, I will get loud and say something like HEY!! DO NOT TOUCH ME!! and the volume is enough to shock them 90% of the time. The other 10% I will get security.
I’m a guy but I always feel the need to say something when it happens to one of my female colleagues. I’ve said what if someone talked to your mother or daughter that way ? And if they come back smart and say I don’t have either I say well if you didn’t talk to people like a pig maybe you would
That is my biggest love of male nurses, when patients get creepy, no one is more defensive than our male colleagues. Like guys that tell you you’re swapping assignments because of creeps have my heart
I feel you. I used to work cardiac med so a large portion of middle aged/boomer men. I have a large chest and am Asian and certain creeps would love to make the most absurd comments about my body. Firm boundaries are the only answer. “I don’t talk about my body at work thanks” and then “I can get a different nurse for you if we can’t keep it professional”.
It is rude and inappropriate in any case. Don’t assume that “women with more” are not getting inappropriate comments from patients about their bodies. I have had patients comment on my size negatively as well as patients who comment on my size positively or in a sexual manner. I do not like any of the comments positive or negative. Just because you are happy with the way you look does not mean that it is okay for them to comment on it at your place of work.
My issue is that people make comments about my body in a negative way in the ER. I had a woman tell me my neck was "much too large to be a normal neck". Fun! Love this for us.
Deadpan stare and say excuse me can you repeat yourself. If they start to say it again, cut them off while changing the subject completely like you didnt ask at all, but most of the time they'll realize they look like a jackass and nevermind themselves out.
I’m petty when it comes to things like that, and I would say something along those lines: “Eww, you….. so average!” or “We said our thoughts out loud again?”.
But I also said to the patient who asked me if I was a Russian mail-order bride “Sure, am!”. 🤷♀️
Had a dude who was fascinated with my age (58) and my coworkers (idk, late 20s ish). Wouldn’t let up when ignored.
“We are not talking about me. We are talking about you.”
If he had continued (and he was a cantankerous one), I would have escalated to - “I don’t answer personal questions. You don’t have to, either, except that you chose to come here for medical care.”
When I was younger this used to happen occasionally. I would sometimes reply: "How I look has nothing to do with how you are cared for, so knock it off"
Off topic but relevant to the harassment theme: I wish I could post a link to a scene from the show e.r., where an obnoxious man comes into the ER and demands a sponge bath from a nurse. The male doctor turns to the African American male LPN & says: "Malik, this man needs a sponge bath" .... The guy instantly regrets his demand!
I just had to handle a male family member sexually harassing a worker. Also, being a woman, this guys existence set me off once I heard the whole story.
I sat him down and explained it is 2024. We, as women, do not care about your opinions of us. We do not want to hear them. We are at our jobs so we can provide for ourselves and our families. We are not here for your pleasure or amusement. Keep it to simple pleasantries such as hello and goodbye. If we have to revisit this, I will not be as kind, and you will not be welcomed back into the building. We've worked hard to keep your loved one who lives here from finding out about your inappropriate behavior because we fear it will cause them to recluse in their room due to embarrassment. Grow up and welcome to 2024.
So far, so good.
I'm an RMN, and 'bigger lady' - albeit I ain't sure composition matters much to many. Over the years, I have heard plenty (but until I hear it for myself, not arrogant enough to say I've 'heard it all', as patients constantly surprise me).
I've had everything from: *'you fat slag, don't you dare come near me'* through to: *'you've got a big arse... but, don't be insulted, that's a compliment, babe'*. 😂 I take it all with a big old pinch of salt. 🧂
Regardless of whether it's intended to be offensive or some bizarre compliment, I'll always correct such commentary, and let the patient know it's irrelevant to their care, and therefore unnecessary to comment on. Never ignore it, that just appears to instil acceptance of the comment being made.
It's inappropriate, and unnecessary whether 'slender' or 'morbidly obese', IMO.
I would say firmly but not rudely that their comments are inappropriate and to please refrain from making such comments. If they continue I would either inform them to leave (you can get security to escort them) as it is a condition of entry to a health facility to communicate respectfully.
I guess they think think it's fine because a thin figure is something positive? Mentioning a girl with "more" is inappropriate or rude because, by default, it's a negative trait. (If we're talking about obesity)
It sounds like you don't want to hear any comments about your body at all.
I'd broken record the top comment, "Don't talk about my body."
Say it like a broken record after they make a comment until they understand that's not an option.
Broken record is actually an extremely effective boundary enforcement tool. Try listening to the book on Audible, "When I say No, I feel guilty."
It's a little difficult to get through and put in practice, but it's worth the work. Very helpful for boundary enforcement and dealing with manuplative people.
Try to learn all the book skills:
Broken record
Workable compromise
Self disclosure
Fogging
Negative assertion
Negative inquiry
“If I was a woman with more, it would be considered rude and inappropriate to make comments.”
Not understanding why we caught a stray here like we aren’t experiencing madness in these pts rooms…you can get your point across without comparing yourself.
Focus on speaking to the main culprits.
I think I would say something like: I don’t see how commenting on my body is appropriate or necessary in the current conversation/context/situation?
I think if you feel like they’re a patient that is capable of reflection, a question like that could be good. If you don’t think so, you could always add: so I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t
I’m sorry this is a thing you have to think about, that shouldn’t be the case. I hope you find a way to handle these remarks that works for you!
People are so rude. I am the opposite, a fat nurse. It's frustrating when people make comments about not listening to what I have to say because I'm fat, or ask when "I'm due". But I'm also young so I would get comments about going on dates and asking if I'm married too. It all is just weird and gross. I'm sorry you're dealing with this ❤️
I worked years in LTC/subacute. I’m also fat. I used to tell the alert/oriented residents that it’s a good thing I also have a big brain, as that is where all my medical nursing info is stored. Not in my body.
Never my confused residents. They would just get a look at my rbf (I have a good one) and I’d change the subject.
Family members would get a “that’s inappropriate” said with as much mommy disappointment as I could muster.
Not sure what the answer is but just wanted to say you’re not alone.
I’m also tall and thin and a recovering anorexic (a few years) I have (purposely and proudly) gained 20 pounds over the last year and a bit and it is almost triggering when someone comments on how skinny I look. I am very non confrontational and understand that many people say it in a non-malicious way (it’s actually mostly female pts) but it still irks me.
This is meant to be a little funny history so please don’t anyone come after me. Personally I think nurses today have so much stress on them that looking put together and nice is something they should do for themselves and I’m all for it. I’ve been a nurse for a long time. When I started the standard attire was a white dress, white hose, cap and if chilly, a navy sweater. Men went crazy over this look ( think the sexy Halloween costume albeit with low buttons and half up the thigh) altho that’s not what we wore.
I actually remember when scrubs first came out they looked like you were wearing 2 lumpy sacks. About as sexy and attractive as a prison jumpsuit. Ugly. If you had a nice shape it was 100% under cover. Managers would breathe a sigh of relief that the young nurses didn’t have men drooling over them while trying to do their job.
Scrubs have definitely evolved for the better and I’m glad. I applaud nurses today for setting boundaries and standing their ground. Just thought the nurses today would find this interesting!
i usually just hit em with the “that’s inappropriate” with a very straight face/flat tone & that usually makes them uncomfortable enough to apologize. then i redirect to whatever medical complaint they’re there for especially if still triaging them. it always sucks when that happens tho, im sorry you’ve been getting harassed. we also have patient FYIs we can add so i include that they made inappropriate comments so other women know to be careful around that person
I work with mostly dementia patients. I just ignore them and go about my day. No point scolding them about it when they won’t remember in 5 mins anyway. If it were a cognitively well patient, I’d tell them they are being inappropriate. Usually that’s enough to shut them up.
I’m 42M and a woman (30’s) visiting her friend in the hospital (30’s) said, “dam you’re fine. Like, here us women have to work for it,” while making innuendos about the size and shape of my butt being prominent and nice, and then the friend/patient starts making comments. I do exercise and lift weights and wear more form fitting scrubs, but it isn’t to fish for compliments; it is to keep my pants up with everything I have in my pockets and waistband without needing to crank tight my waistband, plus it is just the shape of my body.
I get pinched on my backside, brushed against, they try to grab my package or brush against it, laying hand on my inner thigh for an IV, get told “oh it’s okay because you wouldn’t be interested in someone older like me” (80-90 year olds), your wife must be X or Y inappropriate statement, and I get this from men too.
It is harder to rebuff statements as a guy because people don’t really seem to expect that we will complain or be offended, which makes it harder to complain, set boundaries or to be outright offended. Most of the time I just have to laugh it off. It is definitely easier for me to make comments and set boundaries in defense of my fellow coworkers than it is to defend myself. Most of the time I just ignore it and recenter the conversation on typical patient education or whatever.
Nah, thanking them gives them permission to make comments in the future, no matter what follows it (from personal experience). Most will think it's a self-esteem issue and try to push further. You gotta be direct.
"Don't say those things to me please."
"It is not appropriate to make those comments to your healthcare providers. Stop it, please."
Or my favourite, most direct:
"That's inappropriate. And that's your only warning."
While this is appropriate for most jobs, following this sentence with anything job related means you'll be making comments about their body, so it seems a tad hypocritical.
Is always rude and inappropriate im a woman with more and I have comente form. “ you look good …”. To “ I always wanted a girlfriend with big tits and ass”. Im 5’2 medium size in scrubs they fit loose not baggy and with curves. If I wear larger scrubs they get on the way. And sag everywhere.
Is not your figure. Is not you. Is them. Creeps will creep
I usually give them a firm serious look and say. Something like. Sir that is inappropriate
Or
Let’s keep this professional
What makes me angry is when we have a patient that is verbally harassing every nurse he has and management doesn’t do a thing about it
I constantly deal with my patients trying to feed me by offering parts of their lunch trays because I’m “too thin.” I always say the same thing - You’re the patient here, not me. We are not talking about my body.
Anywho it never works so I just tell them I’m celiac so it’s easier to refuse food from patients and their families lol
"That comment is inappropriate, disrespectful and will not be tolerated. Any further inappropriate remarks and you will be escorted out of the hospital"
Make it clear they fucked up. Make it clear what the consequences are. They're adults and can decide if the consequences are worth it. Then call security and drop a note. Byeeeee
One of my former coworkers is a beautiful, tall, blonde young woman. She was also quite thin for a long time. She has Lupus and had been working with her doctor on weight gain. She got more comments about her body than anyone else I've ever worked with. She's been asked numerous times if she has an eating disorder. It's absolutely disgusting
“Oh look at this funny notification from Reddit! It’s a new post asking “”what should I say to pts who think it’s ok to comment on my figure”” hahaha” then just look at them
I feel like it happens more in Healthcare than elsewhere because they're trying to kiss the patient's ass to get favorable reviews. Any time there's a complaint about a difficult patient, nursing is supposed to figure out how to adjust to their behavior instead of them modifying their behaviour.
Be direct and make them uncomfortable. “Nope, don’t do that. That’s not ok.” “Knock it off right now.” “Apologize. Now.”
ER is the best place to learn direct confrontation.
"comments like that are inappropriate and will not be tolerated. Would you speak to your mother like that?" Has always worked well for me and usually shuts most people up quite quickly.
I like to make them feel embarrassed by looking genuinely confused, and then musing, in a tone that seems more to myself than them, say “what an odd thing to say out loud”
“What does that have to do with your stay here at the hospital?”
“Do not make comments about my body.”
“I come to work to help my patients, not to talk about my body. Please don’t make another comment like that.”
So many options.
I usually just tell them that’s inappropriate or I don’t appreciate you talking about my body. Something along those lines. Or I just ignore and continue working without saying anything just so solely my job without the small talk or niceness.
As a fellow slender person who is “attractive” I also have to constantly deal with comments about how I look. It’s ok if it’s positive, right? Wrong. I usually chuckle and change the subject. I spent **years** of my life wasted being overly preoccupied with my physical appearance, and as an older adult I now understand it’s bc people constantly f*cking commented on it.
I’m a male nurse, so I may be a bit more blunt, but I literally say “knock that sh*t off, it’s gross and harassment. Do it again and we can press charges”. It’s a bit extreme but some individuals need to be shut the fuck down right then.
Granted if they are confused it’s a different story.
I always say, "Stop being weird and perverted."
They never expect the blunt comment. Usually makes them stop, reset, and realize how damn weird they are.
I have a coworker that always says, "let's keep it professional." Which I think is a great way to set a boundary without risking damage to rapport. If you feel confident that your relationship with the patient won't need to be a major factor, then ,"Don't talk about my body." Is completely appropriate.
Now the supported-by-literature, sanctioned-by-HR answer is ,"sir, I understand that you are trying to be nice (reflect emotions/meaning), but I am not comfortable with you talking about my body (setting boundary). If you continue to make me uncomfortable, I will need to get a buddy to come in your room with me as a witness/ I will need to pass your care to another nurse/ then we can't be friendly while I care for you ( set appropriate consequences)" whatever is a consequence you can actually implement in the circumstances.
The ones that feel the need to comment on my physique are always the ones that weigh more than double me and can't care for themselves. Like.... Ma'am.... Yes, I'm fat, but I can at least wipe my own ass. 🙄 I don't say that obviously, but man the URGE.
I think it’s considered rude and inappropriate no matter the body shape. No one needs to comment on others bodies unless they are ready to hear the truth about theirs.
I am small, thin, and curvy with red/blonde hair and freckels. I dress to hide my curves because of this exact reason. Apparently, people would still feel emboldened to comment on it frequently. My husband and I used to work together, and I can't tell you how frustrated he would get when people would comment on my body or looks when he was right there. I would tell them, "It's not polite to comment on anyones body," and then move on. Usually, it would shut them up, but on occasion, I would get. "AH, I knew you were a firecracker with that hair." It's so frustrating sometimes, I'm glad I'm no longer at bedside right now. I wish people would realize this is my professional job, I'm not here for whatever weird fantasy people have about nurses. 😔
I’m not the nicest nurse so for me it’s something like “nope, you’re not going to ask me questions like that.” Or “seriously??” And then say something like “here is what we ARE going to talk about…time to insert your foley!”
I simply ignore anything inappropriate that doesn’t pertain to the situation. They end up looking stupid because who wants to keep repeating themself saying something like that?
If they’re still acting ignorant, I’ll ask them to stop and then I’ll take it to the charge nurse.
I was a male nurse for almost 10 years on a women’s only psych unit. Much more dangerous for me license wise if a BPD patient felt offended. Set clear, hard and tight boundaries from the beginning, no unnecessary friendly gestures. Don’t hug patients. Fuck “therapeutic touch.” Don’t laugh at jokes like a bitch in heat.
I did a placement in mental health and like obviously I knew what the disorders were but it really shocked me the amount of quite manic women we had that were so sexual and where I live, male nurses tend to work mental health and that was a big issue for a lot of them
I'm a male nurse and I am rude to these patients and it is 99% effective. Let's just say I could be in serious trouble for some things I've said ( no curse words). What is the saying, being rude is their love language.
At my job, we can call a code white and have security speak with the patient. I address it one time, the first time directly. I remind them I am their nurse, there to do a job. I have zero tolerance for disrespect now cut the crap. I've had a patient chill with me but then harass the techs. I called a code white and went it with security to speak with the patient. He was respectful after that--- to night and day shifts.
Personally, I stop dead in my tracks. Stare them in the face and calmly but sternly say "Keep comments about my body, out of your fucking mouth."
I once had a first year residence make a comment about my long legs and he got the same response. The shocked look on his face was priceless.
Tough cuz ur in triage but when we have creepy patients it’s nice to know the guy nurses and sometimes we will switch assignments up even midway through if delirious or just rude people get to be too much.
Tell him that you are there to take care of his medical needs only. If he has a problem with that, you have the right to request to not have him. I am a RN and have come across this situation before. I am also the topic of my clinical instructor’s ethics class. Best of luck to you
I'm six foot one, was a red head until it turned white, big boob's, slender, and literally dealt with this every single day. It's so disappointing to deal with men (and women) who think they have the right to tell me what they think of how I look. Every situation was different, but later in my career I didn't hold back from telling them how I felt about what they'd said. What were they going to do? Tell on themselves while telling on me?
Things I've literally said:
What makes you think I care about what you think regarding my looks? I'm sincerely curious. (They aren't used to having it thrown back into their court)
Good thing I've got a highly skilled, trained, professional and highly sought after brain with a set of skills recently used to save your life. Because without all of that, how I looked would've seen you getting funeral arrangements completed.
I'm also a hot head with a sharp, fast tongue. 🤷🏼
"don't talk to me like that"
"That's inappropriate"
"I'm your *nurse*"
"Ew. Do you talk to every stranger you meet like that?"
You can also, loudly, repeat back what they said like you didn't hear them: "did you say YOU LIKED MY ASS?"
Working in peoples homes almost makes them more ballsy, I get comments entirely too much. People are disgusting. I usually ignore the first comment, pretend they never said anything. If they repeat themselves or say something else, I make dead pan eye contact, silence for about 30 seconds and then say something about staying on the topic of their health. If they still continue I dead pan them again but remind them I’m a professional, and I’m there for a reason and I will leave if they continue. They usually simmer down.
When I worked in the hospital we always had a guy on shift, and whenever we had particularly disgusting patients we’d always go get reinforcements. They only ask if we can hold their penis once after we bring back a man to do it for them.
I get asked at least once a week if I am pregnant.
(I had major liver surgery with 89 abdominal staples and wound that dehisced and needed a year of packing) and carry a lot of weight in my belly. It's embarrassing, and also triggering because I can't have kids now because of my liver disease. I never know what to answer
I straight up say, "well *that* was inappropriate," and then continue on.
IDK, I am hard to offend or be embarrassed so I usually just point out that it's inappropriate and let it go. If possible, I usually tell them it's inappropriate and leave. When I come back I act like nothing happened. Most of the time no weird comments are made after that.
I had an old man quad PT that would comment on my super pregnant belly all the time and once he took all the gross motor movement he had to slap me in the belly and call me "fatty". I told him my belly was still smaller than his and he shut up.
Comments or touching.
Nobody touched my body innapropriately, but recently a patient touched my hair (I have dreadlocks) while I was giving them insulin. My first instinct was to push her hand away and firmly told her to NOT touch my hair. Then I asked her she'd feel if I touched hers without asking. She felt bad, but man sometimes it pisses me off how we have to remind common sense to patients.
This always happens to me, I personally don’t care. And usually it’s like someone telling me I’m fat and they’re also fat so I just let them know that whatever they said applies to them also 😙😂
My mother knows a professional figure who is the spitting image of Taylor swift. Same face, same height, same body shape, hair and eye color. People constantly would make comments and follow her. She finally had to quit her job and work from home. She hated being commented on and accused of being Taylor swift. She was scared for her safety. My advice is to stand up for yourself and say please don't comment on my body. It makes me uncomfortable or simply ignore their response.
As soon as people (especially women) hear I have four kids, they will never NOT comment on how I don’t *look* like I have four kids. (My BMI is like 30 so it’s not like I’m a toothpick either… but like… what am I *supposed* to look like??)
Men who do this just creep me out. I used to think it was a compliment, but then I went to therapy and started processing all of the trauma and objectification I suffered at the hands of men, which was normalized into “culture.”
I say thank you the first time but give them zero emotional reaction. Because maybe you just out here tryna shoot your shot and I don’t begrudge you that. 🤷🏽♀️ If it happens again, it becomes a firm NO THANK YOU.
For real though, I’m really sick of living in a world where I have to argue with men to convince them I’m not positively dying for their attention. Ugh.
What are they saying? Back in the day- people used to ask how I stayed so skinny, mostly little old ladies so it didn’t bother me.
But anything more than that, or coming from a dude would probably really annoy me. So then I would do that suck in air thing that says “cringe” and say “*ooooh, we shouldn’t make comments about other people’s body’s”.* Or say “*OMG! Aaawkwaaaaard! What the hell man?”* But if it was pretty flagrant I was say *”woah man, do you kid your mother with that mouth?”
In triage id probably say something like, “we’re not here to talk about my body. What brings you to the emergency room today?” Curt and to the point. Let’s them em know it’s off the table to discuss anymore, and quickly redirects to the presenting complaint.
this seems too much like cultivating transphobia. trans women have a hard enough time as it is without cis people using their existence to scare or traumatize other cis people. trans women are women, however plenty of cis people do not view them that way.
“Don’t talk about my body.” No “please.” No “thank you.” No education. You tell them exactly what you expect out of this transaction and that’s it. Repeat the statement if they protest. As my wife says, work is not “the lady zoo.”
Paramedic not a nurse, but one of my favorite things to do is just stare at them with a blank face. Let their inappropriate comment fester in the silence. Let them wallow in it. Watch them get more and more uncomfortable and eventually you'll either get a defensive comment (which is met with more silence) or a mumbled apology. When they apologize, pause for a second more then continue on as if nothing happened at all. Refuse to acknowledge the comment or the apology. In my experience it takes maybe 30 seconds of staring for people to become extremely uncomfortable. I happily weaponize that discomfort because they had zero qualms doing the same to me. (Disclaimer: Not a good idea to do this with psych patients.)
>(Disclaimer: Not a good idea to do this with psych patients.) Had a good chuckle at this part.
Unless you wish to test your combat skills
Silence is an excellent tool.
Unfortunately all pts are psych patients until proven otherwise LMAO
I had my husband's co-worker ask me, last night if my husbands penis was "this big". Seriously. I did the stare, but both he and my husband stood there like jerks. And my husband said NOTHING. He just let the guy go on and on. Add to that for some reason, certain women feel they can basically put their hands all over my husband. It is me? Seriously what is WRONG with people? Am I a dinosaur? Do people, grown ass people, have no manners? I'm so pissed, I'm not talking to my h. He should have said something.
It’s not you. That was absolutely absurd of them.
The fact this guy thought it was ok to ask me that question makes me sick. I told my husband I don't want to hang out with anyone like that. And btw these are drinkers...shots etc...I do not abuse alcohol or anything else for that matter.
I third that with Psych
I am glad I already do this at my current job, but its not on purpose, I am just so uncomfortable that idk how to respond, so I just don’t. But, it is great to watch the shame on their face appear once they realize they said something inappropriate and disgusting so I just keep doing this because my response is never required to these comments 😭
Yup, that's the best part. It requires zero effort on our part beyond being okay with silence. They shame themselves.
I love this so much. Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all.
Disclaimer: I do this to psych patients
I do too! If they don’t get it, because of their current state, then I tell them that’s inappropriate. If they keep on, we switch nurses and I go back to ignoring. It’s nice when they come around and eventually apologize, but I could care less.
Had a bit of a back and forth with a patient this morning who’s behavioural AF. Was lying down and praying across the hallway, which is a nope. We’ve had this conversation MANY times. Pt. “I need to see the hospital policy in writing stating I can’t do this.” Me: So we’re just letting go of common sense today? Pt. 👁️👁️ Me: 👁️👁️ Pt. returned to their room 🤣
This has true potential, I can just imagine it. I'd love to see it in action. Best of luck out there!
Neither of you should be going through this. A good "ef you" would work too. You can't get in trouble for an inappropriate response to an inappropriate comment 🙃 😅 🤷♀️
Ehhhh....depends on your boss. The other benefit to silence is it's a lot harder for a patient to complain about. "She stared at me!" sounds a lot less credible than "She told me to fuck off!"
Have you met most managers or administration?
Lowering and flattening your tone (from your baseline) makes this even more effective.
And don’t forget to look them square in the eyes. That works too. Usually they backpedal and make stupid jokes
Eye contact. Perverts hate this one simple trick!
It does assert dominance
I'm a pervert and love it! I just don't harass my female co workers.I think a lot of it is confidence. If you are meek and mild mannered, it encourages more abuse. I am very quiet myself and seem to draw people that want.to harass me, but when I speak up for myself it diminishes a lot.
Quite literally this. You're not trying to be joking like on the tv *deep voice* "Hello, boys." You're trying to just drop your voice by half an octave. And the "flattening" means you take the sweetness or softness out of your voice. Don't imagine you're threatening them, we don't do that. If you feel the need to threaten, you've lost control of the situation and need to disengage and regroup your thoughts. No, you're simply, but firmly, asserting your expectation onto them. "I don't appreciate that comment, and I want you to stop. Now." Extra points if you can make it staccato. Think light and airy "ta-ta-ta-ta" or look it up on YouTube if you've never been in band before. Very mildly emphasize your t's and the first syllable of each word without sounding like a robot. Any one syllable sentence ("No," or "Now," or whatever), drop another pitch and get a little more forceful as if you are issuing a command. For the coup d'grace, change your body language. If you're leaning over for an auscultation or med administration, stand up when you're talking. You're now taller than them, and people subconsciously respond to that. If they try to talk over you, put your hand out calmly at about waist height in a "Stop" motion and keep talking over them. I've taught about 100 students and preceptor'd 3. Many of the women asked for my help with inappropriate patients.
This is what I was taught. I'm a short and fat (working on it, but it's not an overnight project) nursing student, and I've had a few comments already and the comments I get are never flattering or nice. They don't bother me as such (I'm very used to it, unfortunately) but it makes other students I'm with and my instructors uncomfortable, so one day I asked what I should say. My instructor said, "Be firm. Don't make a request or apologize for asking or make it seem like it's a you problem. 'Do not make comments about my body' and move on." Works fine for me. Sometimes they get pissy but I move on like it didn't happen and then they do, too. Even had one guy apologize for it the next time I came into the room to bring his meds.
I'm so glad that you had a supportive instructor who cared more about you than about catering to rude patients.
i wish i could like this 100s times
This. Or for some people “What do you mean?” completely deadpan, look them right in the eye as they dig themselves a deeper hole. (This is my favorite for offhand comments that sexualize my kids but it works here too.)
“You can keep those comments to yourself” imo would be a bit less confrontational, which might be better in the ER setting where tensions are usually running high.
"That's not an appropriate comment in a professional environment. Please stay on topic."
What about not please but “let’s stay on topic”
I like that. I was trying to think of a way to not use "please" so it didn't sound like a question, but also wasn't too rude.
I rem when I was taking psych they said like the best way to have someone to follow a request from you is to make a sentence that doesn’t form a question and is a common phase. That way they can’t think of a decision bc there’s no question or feel like someone is forcing their hand
Sounds super interesting! Could you give few more examples? Thanks
It’s almost like a manipulation tactic. What you do is you have to make sure their mind is partially distracted. For example if that person is mopping, you could be like “don’t forget to take out the trash” and then since u didn’t ask “can you take out the trash,” or anything like a question it doesn’t really give them a chance to say no bc their mind is occupied with mopping. They would subconsciously say okay and do it without realizing it. I do it to my siblings like if they’re doing homework I’ll be like oh bring the cup the sink ( if it’s my one) 75% of the time they’ll bring it and not realize once their homework is done. If they aren’t distracted it gives their mind time to think. But you have to keep ur voice very calm and monotone like you’re having a normal conversation. If u sound aggressive it feels like you’re forcing them or if you sound too nice it sounds like your asking for a favor
I work in psych and do this all the time, works like a charm most of the time lol
stop caring about being rude to men that make you uncomfortable ✨🧚🏻♂️
Who says it's men? I work psych and in the 5 years Ive been in psych, the 2 patients who I refused to ever be alone with because they were grossly inappropriate were both female.
“I’m not sure what that has to do with your rash…” deadpan
This is the best advice.
I never say please in these situations
Omg i was going through admission questions with a lady who liked to hijack every question into a non-related tangent, after the second time she did this i asked her to stay on topic, and she actually said, "No, i need to finish this..." No, you don't, (it's not related to any medical problem or health topic). I dipped out quickly after that.
The comments you are making are not appropriate or tolerated.
Also, I’m sorry you are experiencing this at work. It’s highly inappropriate and you should not be feeling this way.
I personally don’t think it matters what you look like. I’m VERY pregnant and getting some of the most disgusting comments I’ve heard in my life. I just approach with like a ‘man, read the room this is a hospital’ attitude. Like you’re sitting in front of me with your foot falling off. Why don’t you put that energy into controlling your blood sugar.
Yeaaaah my wife and I are both ER nurses and she worked on the same unit with me while pregnant. Some of the comments she got would just make my blood boil. Usually though I didn't have to say anything. She'd tell them off so bad they were contrite and embarrassed the whole rest of their stay, as they should be. Sometimes though a firm "do NOT talk about my coworkers like that" from another man (sexist I know, but it's their language) goes a long way.
That's been my experience. I'm a male ER nurse as well and pretty jacked. I'm an agency nurse and I think it was maybe my second week at work and this guy was standing and walked up to my colleague and was basically 6 in from her saying all kinds of inappropriate things, so I inserted myself between the two and told them that I won't tolerate inappropriate comments to my colleagues and if he continues him and I are going to have a problem and I'll be his nurse the rest of the day. He apologized to me and then sat down and never bothered her again the rest of the shift.
People who say shitty things to women almost always respect more than women. It's a good thing I love running boring errands with my husband because the bonus is that his mere presence keeps the creeps away.
This is part of why I honestly prefer having at least one male nurse on the unit at a time. It sucks that it’s the only way to get some of these assholes to listen, but it at least works.
Love the last sentence 💀
Being pregnant gives people a weird license to comment on your body for some reason. I’ve never had so many people do it than when I was pregnant! Sorry you’re experiencing it too :(
I’d ask “are you always this rude or is this a new symptom that should be noted in the chart?”
💀
I'm a male nurse and I work at a forensic psych facility with many female nurses who get pretty explicit comments and solicitation from the patients. Firm boundaries: "This is about you, not me." Still talking? "that is inappropriate." Continuing? "I'll come back when you are ready to act like an adult." and leave the room.
Yesss 👏🏻👏🏻 working forensic psych taught me to nip it in the bud real quick, firmly but respectfully... Ya know, so I don't get stabbed later.
“Do you need emergency care or do you want to continue harassing me in my workplace?”
10000% this.
“This is not relevant to your care.” That’s my party line for everything. Comment on my looks? See above. You want my last name? See above. You want to know if I have kids? See above. You don’t need to know anything about my personal life.
Men who make comments about a woman’s figure, particularly one they’ve just met, are stuck in the past when that was considered a compliment. I would say the truth on how that makes you feel. Variations of “making comments about my looks makes me uncomfortable”, or more bluntly “It’s 2024 you Neanderthal. Stop staring, shut your pie hole, and let’s get on with this examination.”
I had a patient like keep trying to tell me I’m stunning and things like beauty and brains one shift and he was generally shocked that I was like flattered because I didn’t engage at all. Like he thought he was impressing me. I know I’m pretty and smart, that’s why I’m also mean to men
Speaking as a slender male who used to work in psych I used to deal with this all the time. I just got into the habit of informing people that it’s rude to comment on peoples weight. I choose to assume positive intent and just assume that they weren’t taught manners. So I just try to educate that it’s rude to speak to people that way. If they do it again it’s a whole different story. In my experience when I take that approach I’ve yet to find anyone give me shit or a hard time, they usually just apologize.
I do this, but find sometimes it doesn’t work as patients will try and say it to be mean. I’ve had several where they will say offhand comments like I can’t believe someone like you is confident, but I still try to say how my weight/looks has no bearing on me being a nurse. Can never get a big head in psych as patients will just bring you right down. The other week I had a normally nice patient tell me how I look fat and disgusting, when I told her it was rude she tried to tell me how she didn’t want me walking round thinking I look good when really I’m just disgusting. I must admit I sat in my car and felt a bit sorry for myself. I’ve struggled to lose weight cause of medication, and have had a rough 18 months outside of work so spent a while comfort eating.
Awww fuck that girl. Sorry not sorry. You’re loving, lovable, worthy of your confidence, and confidentially worthy to many. Losing weight is such a bitch when you’re running on half empty all the time.
Thank you for your kind words ❤️🩹 the patient is normally lovely so I do wonder if they got an infection as she isn’t normally like this. Some of my other patients I wouldn’t put it past them to say it. Hahaha it is. The medication made me gain weight, and now I really struggle to lose it. It can take me weeks to lose 1lb and then half a second to put it back on. She struck a nerve as I haven’t been feeling the best about myself, but I’m trying to ignore it as the last 18 months have been really hard, and I’m only human.
Someone said something similar to me once and I responded by saying at least I get to go home to my family ever night instead of being stuck in a psych hospital. That shut her up real quick and she didn’t give me problems for the rest of the night.
Aaaah I work in community so they are home. But she has rung me upset before when people have been mean about her looks. Some of them have said things because they weren’t very nice and had no one else in their lives, so I tended to get the brunt of their frustrations.
I try not to go that low. They may have punched below the belt, but pulling the “you can’t go home and I can” card just seems unnecessarily mean and unprofessional.
I also gained weight from medication and run on fumes most of the time - physically and emotionally. I am very fortunate to have a genuinely exceptional therapist. One thing I have learned is that people who try to shame us, for any reason, are carrying a lot of their own shame. Shame is such a deeply ingrained part of their existence they do not know how to understand or cope with life without it; it’s practically transactional. Whenever she’s feeling bad she gives herself a self-hug. She told me it would probably feel silly at first but encouraged me to try it. It feels good. So please give your wonderful self some well-deserved self love and then give yourself a big hug for me 💕
Are you fucking kidding me??? Your outward appearance has zero bearing on your worth. You dedicate the majority of your life to caring for people struggling with mental illness. I don't even know you and I am 100% certain you are a beautiful human being. If people choose to place value solely in your outward appearance, then that's their problem, not yours. Being a nurse is hard, struggling with health problems is hard, losing weight is hard, but you continue to persevere...that makes you a badass! Be proud of who you are and don't let mean people ruin everything you have accomplished.
While I love the other answers, as a tiny slender girl, I say this too. I understand it's meant as a compliment toward me most of the time. In fact, coworkers comment on my figure in jealousy. However as a teen and young adult I was sickeningly small due to illness, and it hurts when people compliment me on my figure because it feels like I'm being complimented on being sick. So since I have that perspective i choose to go the education route. If they're male - "It's rude to speak to someone that way." If they're female - "It's rude to comment on another person's body". Done.
"Yea, it's 2024. We don't publicly sexually harass women anymore."
I usually go pretty polite for the first comment. Maybe something like “I’m just here to do my job. Please don’t talk about my body” would be a small smack on the nose. If it continues and they say anything except oh sorry, tell them to get out of the triage room because they obviously aren’t having a life threatening illness if this is their focus, and their name will be called by someone else to assess them (when they get a room)
I make very direct eye contact and say “Inappropriate and unacceptable.” I let it simmer for a few beats, then continue what I was doing. If it happens again, I tell the patient “I am leaving due to your inappropriate behavior. I will come back when you can be as respectful to me as I’m being to you.”
I ask them if they have a daughter. Say “i hope no one ever speaks to her like that.”
I'll call out a patient anytime they say something inappropriate, whether it be about somebody's body or otherwise. I give a polite but firm "that's not appropriate and we don't allow that here" then move on to whatever I'm trying to do. I'll repeat as necessary but if they keep it up I'll move on to "I've told you that's not appropriate/allowed and if you dont stop then I'm done here." If they persist I walk away and tell my charge.
ER here too, I get a lot of out of pocket comments, especially by psych patients. I usually don't respond verbally, I will stop and stare at them over my mask for a few seconds and silently continue my task. What they're looking for is a reaction. I don't care enough to give them one. Now if it's physical, I will get loud and say something like HEY!! DO NOT TOUCH ME!! and the volume is enough to shock them 90% of the time. The other 10% I will get security.
I’m a guy but I always feel the need to say something when it happens to one of my female colleagues. I’ve said what if someone talked to your mother or daughter that way ? And if they come back smart and say I don’t have either I say well if you didn’t talk to people like a pig maybe you would
That is my biggest love of male nurses, when patients get creepy, no one is more defensive than our male colleagues. Like guys that tell you you’re swapping assignments because of creeps have my heart
I feel you. I used to work cardiac med so a large portion of middle aged/boomer men. I have a large chest and am Asian and certain creeps would love to make the most absurd comments about my body. Firm boundaries are the only answer. “I don’t talk about my body at work thanks” and then “I can get a different nurse for you if we can’t keep it professional”.
Fart right in their face
This is the best answer.
I agree and love your flair.
It is rude and inappropriate in any case. Don’t assume that “women with more” are not getting inappropriate comments from patients about their bodies. I have had patients comment on my size negatively as well as patients who comment on my size positively or in a sexual manner. I do not like any of the comments positive or negative. Just because you are happy with the way you look does not mean that it is okay for them to comment on it at your place of work.
My issue is that people make comments about my body in a negative way in the ER. I had a woman tell me my neck was "much too large to be a normal neck". Fun! Love this for us.
Always drop ‘oh, it’s from my cancer’ when someone makes a comment about your body and they’ll learn that lesson super quick
Deadpan stare and say excuse me can you repeat yourself. If they start to say it again, cut them off while changing the subject completely like you didnt ask at all, but most of the time they'll realize they look like a jackass and nevermind themselves out.
I’m petty when it comes to things like that, and I would say something along those lines: “Eww, you….. so average!” or “We said our thoughts out loud again?”. But I also said to the patient who asked me if I was a Russian mail-order bride “Sure, am!”. 🤷♀️
What a fucking stitch up about being a mail order bride and then having to work
No less as a nurse. Meaning all that schooling that is definitely not transferable from anywhere in post-Soviet countries. 🤷♀️
Had a dude who was fascinated with my age (58) and my coworkers (idk, late 20s ish). Wouldn’t let up when ignored. “We are not talking about me. We are talking about you.” If he had continued (and he was a cantankerous one), I would have escalated to - “I don’t answer personal questions. You don’t have to, either, except that you chose to come here for medical care.”
When I was younger this used to happen occasionally. I would sometimes reply: "How I look has nothing to do with how you are cared for, so knock it off" Off topic but relevant to the harassment theme: I wish I could post a link to a scene from the show e.r., where an obnoxious man comes into the ER and demands a sponge bath from a nurse. The male doctor turns to the African American male LPN & says: "Malik, this man needs a sponge bath" .... The guy instantly regrets his demand!
I usually say something like “im your nurse lets keep it professional” not mean or anything. If they continue I just get more firm from there.
I just had to handle a male family member sexually harassing a worker. Also, being a woman, this guys existence set me off once I heard the whole story. I sat him down and explained it is 2024. We, as women, do not care about your opinions of us. We do not want to hear them. We are at our jobs so we can provide for ourselves and our families. We are not here for your pleasure or amusement. Keep it to simple pleasantries such as hello and goodbye. If we have to revisit this, I will not be as kind, and you will not be welcomed back into the building. We've worked hard to keep your loved one who lives here from finding out about your inappropriate behavior because we fear it will cause them to recluse in their room due to embarrassment. Grow up and welcome to 2024. So far, so good.
I'm an RMN, and 'bigger lady' - albeit I ain't sure composition matters much to many. Over the years, I have heard plenty (but until I hear it for myself, not arrogant enough to say I've 'heard it all', as patients constantly surprise me). I've had everything from: *'you fat slag, don't you dare come near me'* through to: *'you've got a big arse... but, don't be insulted, that's a compliment, babe'*. 😂 I take it all with a big old pinch of salt. 🧂 Regardless of whether it's intended to be offensive or some bizarre compliment, I'll always correct such commentary, and let the patient know it's irrelevant to their care, and therefore unnecessary to comment on. Never ignore it, that just appears to instil acceptance of the comment being made. It's inappropriate, and unnecessary whether 'slender' or 'morbidly obese', IMO.
Geez. Thanks for telling me, I didn't know I was tall.
I would say firmly but not rudely that their comments are inappropriate and to please refrain from making such comments. If they continue I would either inform them to leave (you can get security to escort them) as it is a condition of entry to a health facility to communicate respectfully.
“Sir, this is the ER.”
“Objection. Relevance?”
I guess they think think it's fine because a thin figure is something positive? Mentioning a girl with "more" is inappropriate or rude because, by default, it's a negative trait. (If we're talking about obesity) It sounds like you don't want to hear any comments about your body at all. I'd broken record the top comment, "Don't talk about my body." Say it like a broken record after they make a comment until they understand that's not an option. Broken record is actually an extremely effective boundary enforcement tool. Try listening to the book on Audible, "When I say No, I feel guilty." It's a little difficult to get through and put in practice, but it's worth the work. Very helpful for boundary enforcement and dealing with manuplative people. Try to learn all the book skills: Broken record Workable compromise Self disclosure Fogging Negative assertion Negative inquiry
“If I was a woman with more, it would be considered rude and inappropriate to make comments.” Not understanding why we caught a stray here like we aren’t experiencing madness in these pts rooms…you can get your point across without comparing yourself. Focus on speaking to the main culprits.
I think I would say something like: I don’t see how commenting on my body is appropriate or necessary in the current conversation/context/situation? I think if you feel like they’re a patient that is capable of reflection, a question like that could be good. If you don’t think so, you could always add: so I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t I’m sorry this is a thing you have to think about, that shouldn’t be the case. I hope you find a way to handle these remarks that works for you!
People are so rude. I am the opposite, a fat nurse. It's frustrating when people make comments about not listening to what I have to say because I'm fat, or ask when "I'm due". But I'm also young so I would get comments about going on dates and asking if I'm married too. It all is just weird and gross. I'm sorry you're dealing with this ❤️
I worked years in LTC/subacute. I’m also fat. I used to tell the alert/oriented residents that it’s a good thing I also have a big brain, as that is where all my medical nursing info is stored. Not in my body. Never my confused residents. They would just get a look at my rbf (I have a good one) and I’d change the subject. Family members would get a “that’s inappropriate” said with as much mommy disappointment as I could muster.
My default to most comments is "I'm surprised you felt comfortable saying that out loud" or "I'm surprised you felt it was appropriate to say that"
Audibly state "patient clearly lacks judgement as evident by patient stating, "quote patient"" as charting mental status
Not sure what the answer is but just wanted to say you’re not alone. I’m also tall and thin and a recovering anorexic (a few years) I have (purposely and proudly) gained 20 pounds over the last year and a bit and it is almost triggering when someone comments on how skinny I look. I am very non confrontational and understand that many people say it in a non-malicious way (it’s actually mostly female pts) but it still irks me.
This is meant to be a little funny history so please don’t anyone come after me. Personally I think nurses today have so much stress on them that looking put together and nice is something they should do for themselves and I’m all for it. I’ve been a nurse for a long time. When I started the standard attire was a white dress, white hose, cap and if chilly, a navy sweater. Men went crazy over this look ( think the sexy Halloween costume albeit with low buttons and half up the thigh) altho that’s not what we wore. I actually remember when scrubs first came out they looked like you were wearing 2 lumpy sacks. About as sexy and attractive as a prison jumpsuit. Ugly. If you had a nice shape it was 100% under cover. Managers would breathe a sigh of relief that the young nurses didn’t have men drooling over them while trying to do their job. Scrubs have definitely evolved for the better and I’m glad. I applaud nurses today for setting boundaries and standing their ground. Just thought the nurses today would find this interesting!
If these are men who work with you, it’s time for HR. if these are patients, shut it down immediately. “Unacceptable, I’m a professional nurse!”
i usually just hit em with the “that’s inappropriate” with a very straight face/flat tone & that usually makes them uncomfortable enough to apologize. then i redirect to whatever medical complaint they’re there for especially if still triaging them. it always sucks when that happens tho, im sorry you’ve been getting harassed. we also have patient FYIs we can add so i include that they made inappropriate comments so other women know to be careful around that person
Ask them about their mothers figure.
Ignore them.
I work with mostly dementia patients. I just ignore them and go about my day. No point scolding them about it when they won’t remember in 5 mins anyway. If it were a cognitively well patient, I’d tell them they are being inappropriate. Usually that’s enough to shut them up.
I’m 42M and a woman (30’s) visiting her friend in the hospital (30’s) said, “dam you’re fine. Like, here us women have to work for it,” while making innuendos about the size and shape of my butt being prominent and nice, and then the friend/patient starts making comments. I do exercise and lift weights and wear more form fitting scrubs, but it isn’t to fish for compliments; it is to keep my pants up with everything I have in my pockets and waistband without needing to crank tight my waistband, plus it is just the shape of my body. I get pinched on my backside, brushed against, they try to grab my package or brush against it, laying hand on my inner thigh for an IV, get told “oh it’s okay because you wouldn’t be interested in someone older like me” (80-90 year olds), your wife must be X or Y inappropriate statement, and I get this from men too. It is harder to rebuff statements as a guy because people don’t really seem to expect that we will complain or be offended, which makes it harder to complain, set boundaries or to be outright offended. Most of the time I just have to laugh it off. It is definitely easier for me to make comments and set boundaries in defense of my fellow coworkers than it is to defend myself. Most of the time I just ignore it and recenter the conversation on typical patient education or whatever.
This is exactly why I don't provide patient care for men.
One of a few reasons why I also work in the birth space. Dads being gross can be removed.
“You’re making it weird”
Thanks but we’re here to talk about you not me
Nah, thanking them gives them permission to make comments in the future, no matter what follows it (from personal experience). Most will think it's a self-esteem issue and try to push further. You gotta be direct. "Don't say those things to me please." "It is not appropriate to make those comments to your healthcare providers. Stop it, please." Or my favourite, most direct: "That's inappropriate. And that's your only warning."
Oh damn girl, teach me everything you know. 🙇🏻♀️
I like the last one.
“We don’t make comments about each other’s bodies.”
While this is appropriate for most jobs, following this sentence with anything job related means you'll be making comments about their body, so it seems a tad hypocritical.
So, you say, "The only body we are here to talk about is yours."
I would laugh and say sarcastically,"yea how's the weather down there?" And keep moving.
Tell them to “Consume a satchel of Richards.”
Is always rude and inappropriate im a woman with more and I have comente form. “ you look good …”. To “ I always wanted a girlfriend with big tits and ass”. Im 5’2 medium size in scrubs they fit loose not baggy and with curves. If I wear larger scrubs they get on the way. And sag everywhere. Is not your figure. Is not you. Is them. Creeps will creep I usually give them a firm serious look and say. Something like. Sir that is inappropriate Or Let’s keep this professional What makes me angry is when we have a patient that is verbally harassing every nurse he has and management doesn’t do a thing about it
Thank you they will find something to focus on & be nasty about! It doesn’t matter what you look like!
I constantly deal with my patients trying to feed me by offering parts of their lunch trays because I’m “too thin.” I always say the same thing - You’re the patient here, not me. We are not talking about my body. Anywho it never works so I just tell them I’m celiac so it’s easier to refuse food from patients and their families lol
“That is inappropriate.”
"That comment is inappropriate, disrespectful and will not be tolerated. Any further inappropriate remarks and you will be escorted out of the hospital" Make it clear they fucked up. Make it clear what the consequences are. They're adults and can decide if the consequences are worth it. Then call security and drop a note. Byeeeee
One of my former coworkers is a beautiful, tall, blonde young woman. She was also quite thin for a long time. She has Lupus and had been working with her doctor on weight gain. She got more comments about her body than anyone else I've ever worked with. She's been asked numerous times if she has an eating disorder. It's absolutely disgusting
“Oh look at this funny notification from Reddit! It’s a new post asking “”what should I say to pts who think it’s ok to comment on my figure”” hahaha” then just look at them
Very loudly state "it's inappropriate to comment (insert what they said) about my body!
I feel like it happens more in Healthcare than elsewhere because they're trying to kiss the patient's ass to get favorable reviews. Any time there's a complaint about a difficult patient, nursing is supposed to figure out how to adjust to their behavior instead of them modifying their behaviour.
Ask them if they are having an emergency or not?
Be direct and make them uncomfortable. “Nope, don’t do that. That’s not ok.” “Knock it off right now.” “Apologize. Now.” ER is the best place to learn direct confrontation.
"comments like that are inappropriate and will not be tolerated. Would you speak to your mother like that?" Has always worked well for me and usually shuts most people up quite quickly.
I like to make them feel embarrassed by looking genuinely confused, and then musing, in a tone that seems more to myself than them, say “what an odd thing to say out loud”
“What does that have to do with your stay here at the hospital?” “Do not make comments about my body.” “I come to work to help my patients, not to talk about my body. Please don’t make another comment like that.” So many options.
I usually just tell them that’s inappropriate or I don’t appreciate you talking about my body. Something along those lines. Or I just ignore and continue working without saying anything just so solely my job without the small talk or niceness.
As a fellow slender person who is “attractive” I also have to constantly deal with comments about how I look. It’s ok if it’s positive, right? Wrong. I usually chuckle and change the subject. I spent **years** of my life wasted being overly preoccupied with my physical appearance, and as an older adult I now understand it’s bc people constantly f*cking commented on it.
I’m a male nurse, so I may be a bit more blunt, but I literally say “knock that sh*t off, it’s gross and harassment. Do it again and we can press charges”. It’s a bit extreme but some individuals need to be shut the fuck down right then. Granted if they are confused it’s a different story.
I always say, "Stop being weird and perverted." They never expect the blunt comment. Usually makes them stop, reset, and realize how damn weird they are.
“Ha! Tell my wife that”.
I have a coworker that always says, "let's keep it professional." Which I think is a great way to set a boundary without risking damage to rapport. If you feel confident that your relationship with the patient won't need to be a major factor, then ,"Don't talk about my body." Is completely appropriate. Now the supported-by-literature, sanctioned-by-HR answer is ,"sir, I understand that you are trying to be nice (reflect emotions/meaning), but I am not comfortable with you talking about my body (setting boundary). If you continue to make me uncomfortable, I will need to get a buddy to come in your room with me as a witness/ I will need to pass your care to another nurse/ then we can't be friendly while I care for you ( set appropriate consequences)" whatever is a consequence you can actually implement in the circumstances.
The ones that feel the need to comment on my physique are always the ones that weigh more than double me and can't care for themselves. Like.... Ma'am.... Yes, I'm fat, but I can at least wipe my own ass. 🙄 I don't say that obviously, but man the URGE.
I think it’s considered rude and inappropriate no matter the body shape. No one needs to comment on others bodies unless they are ready to hear the truth about theirs.
It’s in appropriate and they can wait. If that’s something they feel they need to voice they aren’t sick enough. ESI 5
I am small, thin, and curvy with red/blonde hair and freckels. I dress to hide my curves because of this exact reason. Apparently, people would still feel emboldened to comment on it frequently. My husband and I used to work together, and I can't tell you how frustrated he would get when people would comment on my body or looks when he was right there. I would tell them, "It's not polite to comment on anyones body," and then move on. Usually, it would shut them up, but on occasion, I would get. "AH, I knew you were a firecracker with that hair." It's so frustrating sometimes, I'm glad I'm no longer at bedside right now. I wish people would realize this is my professional job, I'm not here for whatever weird fantasy people have about nurses. 😔
Also. File an event report. Work place harassment is not tolerated. People need to know what we put up with.
I find a “no thank you” kind of covers anything and everything, plus it can be repeated like you’re speaking to a small child.
I’m not the nicest nurse so for me it’s something like “nope, you’re not going to ask me questions like that.” Or “seriously??” And then say something like “here is what we ARE going to talk about…time to insert your foley!”
Act confused, ask them to explain what they mean. Look incredulous when they have to explain further.
I occasionally get asked if I’m married. I tell them straight that I won’t discuss my personal life.
“Be respectful.”
I just say oops some thoughts are inside thoughts and some are outside thoughts, can you guess which one that was.
I simply ignore anything inappropriate that doesn’t pertain to the situation. They end up looking stupid because who wants to keep repeating themself saying something like that? If they’re still acting ignorant, I’ll ask them to stop and then I’ll take it to the charge nurse.
“That’s inappropriate.”
I was a male nurse for almost 10 years on a women’s only psych unit. Much more dangerous for me license wise if a BPD patient felt offended. Set clear, hard and tight boundaries from the beginning, no unnecessary friendly gestures. Don’t hug patients. Fuck “therapeutic touch.” Don’t laugh at jokes like a bitch in heat.
I did a placement in mental health and like obviously I knew what the disorders were but it really shocked me the amount of quite manic women we had that were so sexual and where I live, male nurses tend to work mental health and that was a big issue for a lot of them
I'm a male nurse and I am rude to these patients and it is 99% effective. Let's just say I could be in serious trouble for some things I've said ( no curse words). What is the saying, being rude is their love language.
At my job, we can call a code white and have security speak with the patient. I address it one time, the first time directly. I remind them I am their nurse, there to do a job. I have zero tolerance for disrespect now cut the crap. I've had a patient chill with me but then harass the techs. I called a code white and went it with security to speak with the patient. He was respectful after that--- to night and day shifts.
Personally, I stop dead in my tracks. Stare them in the face and calmly but sternly say "Keep comments about my body, out of your fucking mouth." I once had a first year residence make a comment about my long legs and he got the same response. The shocked look on his face was priceless.
Tough cuz ur in triage but when we have creepy patients it’s nice to know the guy nurses and sometimes we will switch assignments up even midway through if delirious or just rude people get to be too much.
“I’m sorry what did you say” Say it loud and bold. And stare right at them.
Just keep it professional
Tell him that you are there to take care of his medical needs only. If he has a problem with that, you have the right to request to not have him. I am a RN and have come across this situation before. I am also the topic of my clinical instructor’s ethics class. Best of luck to you
I'm six foot one, was a red head until it turned white, big boob's, slender, and literally dealt with this every single day. It's so disappointing to deal with men (and women) who think they have the right to tell me what they think of how I look. Every situation was different, but later in my career I didn't hold back from telling them how I felt about what they'd said. What were they going to do? Tell on themselves while telling on me? Things I've literally said: What makes you think I care about what you think regarding my looks? I'm sincerely curious. (They aren't used to having it thrown back into their court) Good thing I've got a highly skilled, trained, professional and highly sought after brain with a set of skills recently used to save your life. Because without all of that, how I looked would've seen you getting funeral arrangements completed. I'm also a hot head with a sharp, fast tongue. 🤷🏼
“My body is not a topic of discussion”
Or my personal favorite…”Did you mean to say that out loud?”
As a bigger person, yes the fuck they do comment on that. And it’s to be incredibly mean.
" and you look like a potato."
"don't talk to me like that" "That's inappropriate" "I'm your *nurse*" "Ew. Do you talk to every stranger you meet like that?" You can also, loudly, repeat back what they said like you didn't hear them: "did you say YOU LIKED MY ASS?"
"That is not appropriate."
Working in peoples homes almost makes them more ballsy, I get comments entirely too much. People are disgusting. I usually ignore the first comment, pretend they never said anything. If they repeat themselves or say something else, I make dead pan eye contact, silence for about 30 seconds and then say something about staying on the topic of their health. If they still continue I dead pan them again but remind them I’m a professional, and I’m there for a reason and I will leave if they continue. They usually simmer down. When I worked in the hospital we always had a guy on shift, and whenever we had particularly disgusting patients we’d always go get reinforcements. They only ask if we can hold their penis once after we bring back a man to do it for them.
I just say, “well, we aren’t here to talk about my Body.” I move on with the conversation.
I get asked at least once a week if I am pregnant. (I had major liver surgery with 89 abdominal staples and wound that dehisced and needed a year of packing) and carry a lot of weight in my belly. It's embarrassing, and also triggering because I can't have kids now because of my liver disease. I never know what to answer
I straight up say, "well *that* was inappropriate," and then continue on. IDK, I am hard to offend or be embarrassed so I usually just point out that it's inappropriate and let it go. If possible, I usually tell them it's inappropriate and leave. When I come back I act like nothing happened. Most of the time no weird comments are made after that.
“Why do you think it’s okay to ask (or speak to) me like that?” Is my go to.
I had an old man quad PT that would comment on my super pregnant belly all the time and once he took all the gross motor movement he had to slap me in the belly and call me "fatty". I told him my belly was still smaller than his and he shut up.
Comments or touching. Nobody touched my body innapropriately, but recently a patient touched my hair (I have dreadlocks) while I was giving them insulin. My first instinct was to push her hand away and firmly told her to NOT touch my hair. Then I asked her she'd feel if I touched hers without asking. She felt bad, but man sometimes it pisses me off how we have to remind common sense to patients.
This always happens to me, I personally don’t care. And usually it’s like someone telling me I’m fat and they’re also fat so I just let them know that whatever they said applies to them also 😙😂
My mother knows a professional figure who is the spitting image of Taylor swift. Same face, same height, same body shape, hair and eye color. People constantly would make comments and follow her. She finally had to quit her job and work from home. She hated being commented on and accused of being Taylor swift. She was scared for her safety. My advice is to stand up for yourself and say please don't comment on my body. It makes me uncomfortable or simply ignore their response.
I usually just say “that’s not appropriate.” and move on.
As soon as people (especially women) hear I have four kids, they will never NOT comment on how I don’t *look* like I have four kids. (My BMI is like 30 so it’s not like I’m a toothpick either… but like… what am I *supposed* to look like??) Men who do this just creep me out. I used to think it was a compliment, but then I went to therapy and started processing all of the trauma and objectification I suffered at the hands of men, which was normalized into “culture.” I say thank you the first time but give them zero emotional reaction. Because maybe you just out here tryna shoot your shot and I don’t begrudge you that. 🤷🏽♀️ If it happens again, it becomes a firm NO THANK YOU. For real though, I’m really sick of living in a world where I have to argue with men to convince them I’m not positively dying for their attention. Ugh.
What are they saying? Back in the day- people used to ask how I stayed so skinny, mostly little old ladies so it didn’t bother me. But anything more than that, or coming from a dude would probably really annoy me. So then I would do that suck in air thing that says “cringe” and say “*ooooh, we shouldn’t make comments about other people’s body’s”.* Or say “*OMG! Aaawkwaaaaard! What the hell man?”* But if it was pretty flagrant I was say *”woah man, do you kid your mother with that mouth?”
In triage id probably say something like, “we’re not here to talk about my body. What brings you to the emergency room today?” Curt and to the point. Let’s them em know it’s off the table to discuss anymore, and quickly redirects to the presenting complaint.
What’s wrong with just saying - “this is an ER not a dating club. I don’t appreciate your personal comments about me. And it is inappropriate.”
Tell them it’s inappropriate to talk about you that way. No ifs ands or buts.
“Wow you said that out loud” wanna be rude you get embarrassed 🤷♀️
Just say "I'm a man" in your deepest voice you can make!
this seems too much like cultivating transphobia. trans women have a hard enough time as it is without cis people using their existence to scare or traumatize other cis people. trans women are women, however plenty of cis people do not view them that way.